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dreamboundedstar · 2 years

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More Bob’s Burgers Headcanons For Tina and Zeke Because Why Not!

Tina: 1. Her full first name is Martina which makes her Martina Ruth Belcher. Linda thought the name Martina was a good idea at the time, until it wasn't. Now she is forever known as Tina except for her birth certificate and other legal documents.

2. Her eyes are blue (I don't care that Tina's eyes were brown in the Archer episode, I'm going with her blue eye color that was revealed in the Bob's Burgers story, "The Makeup".

3. Tina has a hard time with romance at her age because she loves the longing. Even when drama happens in her romance she secretly is okay with the negative outcomes because it fuels her limerence. That's why she struggled with asking Jimmy Jr. to be official with her in the movie. She was so afraid of him saying yes because then things would become real and she wouldn't have her limerance to fall back on anymore once the real Jimmy Jr killed fantasy Jimmy Jr for good. She fears having trouble finding romance in the mundane and never being satisfied because of all the fantasy hours she built up over the years. With Jimmy Jr finding her barrettecklace though, she realizes she's willing to try and move past her limerence because she learns that she can still find romance even in the smallest gestures. It may not be the Romeo and Juliet, star-crossed lovers drama she always wanted, but it was hers and she would be okay with that. 4. Another reason for her limerence is because she fears once things become real for her, they will be gone in an instant once the guy decides she wasn't enough. At least in her fantasy she can believe she will always be enough, the apple of her dream boy's eyes, and she will never have to worry about being tossed aside like trash.

5. After her break up with Jimmy Jr. around the end of high school, she vows to never put in as many fantasy hours for a boy as she did for him at least until she's sure she's safe to do so. She just can't handle that pain anymore. She still will be boy crazy, she just has a limit to how long she will fantasize about her crushes before she dates them now.

6. She has a box full of wedding plans/ideas for herself and her whole family, even Bob and Linda just in case they ever have the money to want to renew their vows with a fancier wedding. Gayle is also included as well. 7. As she gets older, she slowly starts dating more guys against her type of tall, skinny guys with long necks, perfectly shaped butts, and accents because she desperately doesn't want to end up like Gayle all because she had too high standards.

8. Tina's birthday is July 8th, 2008, I will accept nothing else. (Blame the Bob's Burger wiki for saying that it was her birthday! It's gone now but it was there! I refuse to let go that Tina, a character I kin has the same birthday as me! XD) 9. Tina is autistic but undiagnosed. That's not breaking new ground but that's my headcanon. 10. Tina grows up to be the smallest of the Belcher kids. She's slightly smaller than Linda while Gene is his mom's height while Louise is the tallest in between Bob's and Linda's height.

11. When Tina is 16 she will juggle working at her family restaurant, babysitting, and at a book store to afford college or whatever if she decides not to go to college. She has her hands full especially when she still has two more years of school.

Zeke: 1. Zeke's full name is Ezekiel Anthony Connor. 2. His birthday is March 11th, 2008 ( March 11th is the release date of "The Belchies", Zeke's first appearance. I couldn't use Bobby Tisdale's birthday because I couldn't find it so this was the next best thing). 3. Zeke's grandma's name is Daniella and his grandpa was named Anthony. 4. He was raised mostly by his grandparents until his grandpa died and his grandma couldn't take care of him anymore and had to be put in a home. 5. Curt from Bob's flashback in "Two for Tina" is Zeke's 44-year-old brother (assuming it's a half-brother) because I think it's funny and they share a voice actor. 6. Zeke's dad is a con artist that sells cheaply made crap of all kinds and that's why they moved around a lot. Zeke's dad would be good at what he does since it is revealed he owns a jacuzzi tub in "Tina and the Real Ghost". Though he could be bad at it and just squanders his money anyway instead of providing for his kid. 7. Zeke's mom was held back 4 times in school (if Harold from Hey Arnold can do it then so can she lol). She was 21 when she went to prom and was pregnant with Zeke. Still creepy as heck for a hypothetical 46-year-old to impregnate a 21 to 22-year-old, but not illegal. (I'm assuming Curt was born when Zeke's dad was 15 to be generous) 8. Zeke was an unwanted pregnancy. I can see Zeke's mom as a gold digger that was tricked into thinking Zeke's dad was more wealthy than he actually was. Zeke's mom wanted the easy way out because she was doing terribly in school and thought Zeke's dad could be her way in. She got pregnant by accident and neither of them was ready for it. Zeke's parents got married and tried to make it work but they just didn't work as a couple. Zeke's dad got more custody than Zeke's mom in the divorce because he seemed slightly more stable at the time.

9. Before Cheryl, not a day went by without Zeke's dad making Zeke feel like a screw-up. No matter how much he tries to help with his dad's business, it's never enough. 10. Zeke's relationship with his mom is not much better. She acts like she loves him but he can tell she's only doing what she thinks a mother is supposed to do and going through the motions. He can't help but feel that all she can see in him was her own mistakes. He still tries to see the best in both of his parents because he would go insane otherwise. 11. Zeke's grandparents were the few good role models in Zeke's home life. Cheryl, Zeke's stepmom later on would help get his dad's act together and Zeke will be forever grateful to her for that. She still has an issue with alcohol and is a shopaholic, but she is more present in Zeke's life than his bio mom is. 12. Zeke gets his love language from his grandparents. 13. Zeke has undiagnosed ADHD which explains his impulse control problem and why he gets bored very easily in "Tina and the Real Ghost".

14. Zeke grows up to be as tall as Bob but still shorter than Jimmy Jr. He's still stocky but his muscles balance out his stocky physique. He doesn't have a problem with being a big guy and is comfortable with himself. Just don't ask him why he's been putting more on his glutes lately because you won't get an answer. Definitely doing it for himself and not for anybody else yes siree bob. 15. At 16, Zeke would volunteers to help cover for Tina at Bob's Burgers during the times she's doing either at her book store job or babysitting job. 16. Zeke has green eyes.

Anyway, that's all. I tried to do more headcanons for them as characters rather shippy headcanons. Though a bit slipped through the cracks for both of them. Here's the height chart to compare the heights.

(Blue Bob is supposed to be Jimmy Sr Pesto's height but I guess like the show I'm trying to erase the character's existence on a subconscious level. XD)

Figures come from here. http://www.mrinitialman.com/OddsEnds/Sizes/compsizes.xhtml

When I think I'm done with the headcanons they just keep coming for some reason. Fingers crossed that I'm not too off base when it comes to Zeke's family. I'm basically placing my bets that his bio parents are terrible people and only his grandparents and Cheryl were good to him. I would hate to be eating crow later. XD

#Bob's Burgers #headcanon #Zekina #less ship heavy #ZekexTina #TinaxZeke #Tina Ruth Belcher #Zeke

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nellie-elizabeth · 10 months

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Bob's Burgers: The (Raccoon) King and I (14x07)

This one was so fun! The return of Little King Trash-Mouth!

Cons:

I don't really have many complaints, other than that I thought the shenanigan-level could have been higher with the kids? When Louise realized her bid to sell a concert experience for candy wasn't going to work out as planned, I was sort of expecting her to go way more wild with it. I wanted those kids sneaking around backstage, tripping over wires, interrupting the concert, all that jazz. As it was, it was a dinky little subplot that was just fine, but nothing special or memorable.

Pros:

In the main story of the episode, Linda discovers that her favorite raccoon friend has a hurt paw, and calls Animal Control for help. Teddy then informs her that Animal Control isn't going to help Little King Trash-Mouth, but rather take him away and kill him as a pest! The rest of the episode features Linda, with help from Tina and Teddy, trying to keep their poor raccoon friend away from the Animal Control worker who is just trying to do her job. In the end, we see our raccoon friend reunite with his partner Gary, which is so heartwarming! I actually smiled with real affection when I saw them nuzzling faces like that.

This was a good use of Teddy, I feel, I liked that he was backing Linda up and trying to help but also just kind of confused about the situation. And Tina pretending to have won the lottery to provide a distraction was pretty funny.

Bob's plot thread was a quieter, more contemplative one that I really enjoyed. He's excited to see a band come through and perform on the street that had one big hit back in the day. The band is still together touring, and Bob thinks this is inspirational. That is, until the tour manager comes in and tells him that the whole group is miserable. Imagine just doing the same thing over and over and over for the rest of your life, knowing you'll never do anything new or innovative again... Bob flashes forward to the thought of growing old making burgers, and it majorly bums him out.

But then? When the band gets to their one big hit, the manager says that sometimes they have a great time: sometimes everything clicks into place and the music is flowing and the crowd is locked in, and they remember why they were passionate about this in the first place. And Bob is invigorated by this thought, that even if his life becomes a drudgery some of the time, he will have moments of passion in his chosen career. I don't know, I just found that kind of moving! It feels true to my own experience with some things in life, where I know a lot of things will be more of the same, but I'll have these shining moments of connection and joy that light up the rest of my life around it.

So that's that! A fun episode. It almost felt like the stuff with the band and the stuff with the raccoon could have been two separate A-plots in two separate episodes rather than both happening here, but for what we got, I really did enjoy it!

8.5/10

#review #bob's burgers #bob's burgers review #bobs burgers #bobs burgers review

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curious-minx · 4 years

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A ranking of four 200 Hundredth Episodes: Bob’s Burgers’ recent victory lap stands above the rest

The Bicentennial. How many among us get to be a part of something that get’s broadcasted for over 200 episodes? In the world of animated sitcoms it is a small, Fox dominated burrow. Bob’s Burgers is the latest series to become bestowed with this particular honor, and is possibly the best of the Fox line-up to do so. Family Guy’s 200th episode, Season 11 - Episode 12, is the only Fox series to be given a full blown on-air anniversary treatment. The episode is a Valentine themed Brian and Stewie lark and like all of the other entries on this list celebrates it’s 200th episode anniversary in a more casual, blithe fashion. Family Guy is the only show Fox has bothered to air an entire half hour special, but months before the actual airing of the 200th episode in Februrary. I am deliberately skipping over Family Guy and South Park’s 200th episodes. In the former’s stead I chose to watch American Dad’s 200th episode, because McFarlane is such a titan in adult animation that deserves recognition. The South Park episode is too exhausting for me to get into. South Park’s 200th episode, Season 14 - Episode 05, is the one that evoked the wraith of a New York based Radical Muslim organization that would soon be “shut down” (i.e. members arrested) a few months after the episode aired on April, 2010. The 200th episodes of South Park and the Simpsons are the only two series to have received Emmy nominations, and in Simpsons case a win, due to their 200th episodes. Here’s hoping for Bob’s Burgers to get a similar recognition, because I think its 200th episode is pretty special and straight to the point.

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1.) Bob’s Burgers - “Bob Belcher and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Kids”

Out of all the 200 episodes is episode the most consciously in conversation with itself. The 200th episode has been treated with a reasonable amount of respect with The A.V. Club bringing their Bob’s Burgers coverage out of retirement and Variety and Salon also got into the mix. Gotta be honest a part of me over at The Curious Minx would prefer if the Bob’s Burgers recap lane was kept on the narrower side, but on the other hand this is a fabulous series that should be written about by as many different publications.

In a recent tired and routine zoom Variety interview (https://variety.com/2020/tv/news/bobs-burgers-remote-recording-200th-episode-1234830796/) BB’s creator Loren Bouchard touches upon how this 200th episode is supposed to serve as something of a pilot. An episode so fully realized that even if you are someone with no active bank of knowledge about the Bob’s Burgers minutiae of the Belcher family dynamics and still enjoy this episode as much as a full blown series fan. The episode is written by Steven Davis, a producer and writer with an extensive amount of episode writing and producing credits on Bob’s Burgers. The quality of a Bob’s Burgers script in the pandemic era is becoming more relevant, because of the diminished role of improv, and this episode definitely feels crafted by a creative team fully in touch and aware of their characters and how to put them in satisfying situations.

Compared to any of the other animated sitcom families, the Belchers are noticeably the more lower middle class. There is a pervading sense of an overall struggle for survival and prosperity that is cooked right into the series pilot debut. Season 1 - Episode 01 “Human Flesh” sets the tone of the series, despite the overall writing and characters being sharper, the stakes have not changed much. Bob’s Burger’s like any American restaurant not under the protective aegis of a Big Franchise is in a state of perpetual turmoil. In the pilot episode the difficulties of running a standard American restaurant are made even more complicated by dysfunctional family hijinks.

The 200th episode differs from the pilot in one dramatic way and that is the presence of the extended Belcher family member Teddy. In the original pilot Teddy is completely absent, whereas in the 200th episode Teddy’s role as surrogate family member is made even most distinct by having Teddy being invested above and beyond in helping save his pal’s Bobby’s restaurant. The return of the ornery and quirky Health Inspectors Ron and Hugo are serving as the most obvious form of echoing of the pilot. I highly recommend rewatching the pilot after viewing this episode, because I had completely forgotten that the Belcher’s saving grace is that Hugo and Linda were once in a relationship together. The pilot is noticably very contained setting wise, focusing exclusively in and around the Belcher family restaurant. Whereas, the 200th episode explores more settings with the Belcher children going across town to find a replacement for Bob’s broken oven part, an oven that they feel they are entirely to blame for destroying. A couple of celebrity guests Stephanie Beatriz and SNL’s Kyle Mooney that true to Bob’s Burgers spirits are usually just playing characters of little to no consequence. Unlike the other Fox family in this list that really leans in on having celebrities playing themselves, the best celebrity guest appearances on Bob’s Burgers tend to be the most anonymous, and Kyle Mooney’s put upon hardware store clerk is a great example of this.

Finally, I’d be remiss if I didn’t dwell on the satisfying Linda contribution of the episode. Linda makes the critical set piece that ignites the restaurant fire. Linda’s gnarly mermaid sculpture is a great visual metaphor for the series. Especially when the Mermaid Statue is used to build up a very well constructed song-based gag. The whole episode made me feel really good about the state of the series and especially the Movie (And Loren Bouchard backs this up by giving interviewers the impression that the film’s delay has only improved its quality). As far as 200 episodes of long running animated sitcoms go, you certainly can’t go wrong with this one!

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2. King of the Hill - Hank’s Bully

By all accounts the most unremarkable episode on this list. An episode that also has a trollish spirit that gets a sadistic glee in tormenting the fuddy duddy Hill patriarch. This is the also the 200th episode with the lowest stakes, the least of a spectacle, and most unassuming 200th episode. While trying to research anything of note to include in my review of the episode all I could find was this reddit post (https://www.reddit.com/r/KingOfTheHill/comments/bpl235/hanks_bully_was_near_impossible_to_watch/) where a user is criticizing the way in which Hank it mistreated. When I was rewatching this episode my partner also found this episode hard to watch and sympathized with Hank’s plight against a Clifford-like malicious imp of a hateful child who’s sole purpose is to make the lives of everyone else around him more difficult.

To me what most stands out about this episode is the fantastic direction by longtime King of the Hill animator, former Bob’s Burgers animator, and current Rick and Morty director, Kyoung Hee Lim. A seemingly badass woman working in a field that is not particularly kind to women or to women of color. I am pretty shocked that no one in all of her years as a director on some pretty important shows has brought her up or did an interview piece on her. Maybe this is something the good folks at The Curious Minx can aspire to? I am definitely going to be taking a further dive into the 22 episodes of King of the Hill that she directed and revisit the 15 episodes of Bob’s Burgers to see if I can discern what makes a Kyoung Hee Lim episode.

One major ploy detail that I noticed in this episode, a detail that is also oddly prevalent on the other two 200th episodes, is the trash talk. And by that I do mean literal trash talk. The B-plot of this episode is what makes the episode pop for me in that the pairing of Dale and Peggy is a really successful one. The episode finds Dale frustrated with the Arlington Waste department and how they won’t take his refrigerator full of dead squirrels and his freeze full of dead crow. Dale then takes advantage of this dead blessing in disguise by getting into the world of competitive taxidermy with Peggy’s creative eye complimenting Dale’s gruesome technical prowess. Both of these characters operate on such an oddly similar wave lengths that watching the two of them embark on a taxidermy journey together was strangely touching and fun to watch. And I am a vegan that feels weird about killing animals in video games, but the ending visual gag of the episode is especially inspired. My one complaint is that the episode is severely lacking in Bobby Hill. Probably because I just recently finished watching Better Things and basically want every show to be the Pamela Adlon show all the time.

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3.) American Dad - “The Two Hundred”

Visually and conceptually this 200th episode really impressed me. As previously mentioned at the start of the post, I am not someone that is particularly warm to the McFarlane brand of comedy, but American Dad really is where he saves his best work for. This 200th episode got the complete opposite treatment of Family Guy. Airing on a Monday night on TBS this episode was pretty much given a shrug, but that does not tamper down any of its ambitions. The whole episode is basically a pastiche of Apocalyptic Dystopian alternative timeline tropes centering around an alone and traumatized by his past Stan. The episode has one of the most clever ongoing visual gags I have seen on a show where flash backs are teed up by Stan’s ridiculous new post apocalyptic tattoos. The core family and ancillary characters of American Dad are all given terrific moments to shine in this heightened post apocalyptic hellscape, and the key to any enduring series success if whether or not you can tell that the creatives involved respect and enjoy the characters that they are writing for. This being a McFarlane project there are a couple of embarrassing lines of dialogue from the show’s respective gay and Black characters and an over indulgence on Rodger based humor, but overall this 200th episode left me with more appreciation for this series as a whole. I will still always make sure to appreciate whenever a long running creative property takes stylistic swings and risks.While there is nothing particularly fresh or novel about a cannibal laden post apocalyptic wasteland this 200th episode managed to find some find fun character beats to subvert tropes or double down on them. The visual of a consistently on the move runaway train that is also mysteriously always on fire was also especially well executed. This episode could easily have been a series finale if the series hadn’t already played around with alternative timelines like in their Christmas specials.

This episode also features more trash talk! One of Stan’s tattooed regrets revolves around Francine failing to get the trash picked up on trash day because Stan had purposely neglected to take it out. This rather odd pattern is about to make a whole lot of sense with the fourth and my least favorite 200th episode by the Simpsons.

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4.) The Simpsons - Trash of the Titans

How many more times can I impress upon you that the 200th episode of your animated sitcom is an an occasion for trash talk? One more time. This 200th episode of The Simpsons is by far the most trash centric 200th episode of them all. The first animated adult sitcom to get over the 200th episode hump, the 200th episode “Trash of the Titans” has some fun real-world trivia attached to it, but other than that this is one of the lesser “Golden Era” Simpsons offerings by a long shot.

My primary source on contention with the episode lies in the direction Homer takes in most of the episode. A 2016 Uproxx (https://uproxx.com/media/simpsons-donald-trump-hillary-clinton/) article gained traction and a Wikipedia citation by comparing Homer’s antics to that of possible former rising Dictator Donald Trump. The episode involves Homer acting at his absolute most abhorrent in an election to boot, and his behavior in this episode is some of the most irredeemable Homer has ever been. The article oddly neglects to make note of the fact that Homer in this episode also makes similar slights against Mexico, referring it to an inherently “dirtier” country. The episode ends on a truly groan inducing aged as fine as old socks in the cheese drawer with a crying Native American gag. Ah 1998 when we could pretend that the Crying Native American commercial was just silly social commentary and not racial minstrelsy.

There is also one other instance that didn’t sit well with me and that’s when Homer is seen physically assaulting a woman working the booth at a U2 concert. I could handle the bullish descent into crooked politician, but watching Homer violently push a woman out of the way felt out of place. A retread of all the growth and development we’ve seen him go through over the course of 200 episodes. Of the other three patriarchs discussed on this list a Homer Simpson centric plot tend to not work as well for me especially if you compare him to the other animated TV fathers.

The episode also features two celebrity guest spots. One made by Steve Martin who does a good job becoming more or less unrecognizable as the original Springfield Sanitation Commissioner Ray Patterson. The other celebrity guest appearance is more of an ill-portent of signs to come with U2 playing themselves. Whenever a celebrity is playing themselves on The Simpsons it usually does not work out. Not everyone can be used to advance a plot as seamlessly as Barry White. Although it is funny, funny in a “oh, we were so much simpler” sort of way that this episode garnered controversy and a ban on UK television over U2 and Mister Burns’ use of the word, “wanker.” Flash forward to 2009 and Bono is once again throwing around his favorite cheeky pejorative this time in reference to fellow earnest bland frontman Chris Martin (https://www.music-news.com/news/UK/24741/Read).

Resting Wanker Face

The other fun factoid about this episode once again is not related to the show, but the show’s influence spilling out into the real world. In the late 80s and throughout the 90s, Adams Mine was an abandoned pit located somewhere in Ontario situated in a term I’m learning for the first time, the “Canadian Shield.” An exactly similar proposal is made by Homer Simpson during his reign of Sanitation Commissioner. This sweeping of trash under the rug does culminate into a satisfying visual gag as a climax that feels like a Garbage Pail Kid/Toxic Avenger version of Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs. More bizarrely and unfortunate, this episode also aired a week after the passing of Linda McCartney. How messed up is that? Couldn’t they just have waited at the end of the season or at least on an episode that doesn’t involve wallowing in filth?

The episode features another developing bad habit in terms of the inclusion of songs and song parodies. There is virtually no connection to Willy Wonka in this episode other than the fact that both “Candy Man” and “Trash Man” have share a similar pronoun. Unlike the use of songs in Bob’s Burgers where they tend to be unique to the character’s reaction to dramatic consequence, on the Simpsons it’s more often than not a a song for the sake of a song. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but why not go for a joke about parodying real musical trash titans, The Cramps, or even trash up a U2 song? On the episode’s Wikipedia entry in the Production section Matt Groening is quoted to saying that the visual gag of a department store sporting the slogan, “Over a Century Without a Slogan,” wasted a lot of man hours. So much effort and reach for a joke with a fraction of a minimal of pay off is essentially the Simpsons ethos in one visual gag.

Once again, it bears repeating that this episode is also rewarded for an Emmy. If you break down the episode as starting off as a satire of Holiday Commercialism with the creation of the cynical Love Day holiday and ending the episode as a foreboding parable about the very real ecological repercussions of improper waste management. This clearly sounds like classic Simpsons reverse engineering management. Instead this is a classic case of an episode of the Simpsons being more interesting to think about than it is to actually watch. This is also the 200th episode that least honors its central cast of characters. Marge and Lisa are both afforded meager moments of wisdom and decency, but Bart is more or less even more irrelevant to the plot than Bobby Hill was on his 200th episode.

As for today it seems like the only Simpsons anniversary that will likely rouse any more attention it’s way will be the 1,000th episode.. Think how much more trash we as a collective species will have made by the time that milestone roils around!

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In Conclusion:

When you start to make 200 episodes of anything the one feeling that seems to creep up is one of, “taking out the trash,” or you’re making art out of trash. Trash being a metaphor for the entire medium of Television. The TV market is an ever growing landfill, one of America’s Rapiest Dads made a whole cartoon about kids living and learning life lessons in a junk yard. So much of Television is only a means of mass marketing ground up pieces of detritus. Then you’re supposed to be grateful that your detritus gets to be a bumper for advertisements and the occasional merchandising. You’re an adult, you’re not supposed to take cartoons seriously. They are empty calories, brain noise, and at best background noise. Yet they are the only types of shows that can consistently manage to get over well over the 200 episode mark. At least back before the Netflix business model of show’s only deserving 1.5 seasons.

Bob’s Burgers is reaching its 200th episode in an unfathomable media landscape, one that is completely demolished and in the process of being rebuilt from the aftermath of the coronavirus. The 2020s could be a turning point for animation going forward, animation is a severely grueling and technically difficult sector. This newfound interest in the medium may finally be the financial boost and support that it dearly needs in order to properly pay artists for their work. The creators of these series may not think of what they do as art and to keep themselves afloat have to think of the act of bringing an animated sitcom into the world as necessary as taking out the trash. Our trash is a mirror. Inside the landfill we see our own morals and values reflected right back at us. Bringing forth life means a lot of shit. With every year you keep an infant human alive that means (x) amount of disposable diapers piled up. I suggest we make like the Belcher children and try to salvage our trash, put a wig on our trash, put a crop top on our trash, paint some lashes on your trash, because we’re all in the end up going to be put into the ground (beef).

#Bob's Burgers #The Simpsons #American Dad #King Of the Hill #TV #TV Review #TV Series #Animation #Cartoon #Anniversary #200

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loverofallthingspink · 4 years

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Script Writing Part One

Day One:

“Were the dishes put away?” / “I was going to. I just haven’t yet.” / “I asked Audrey to do it this morning.” / (Motions for a hug) / “Wha-? I gotta go back to work.” (Hugs)

“Is she still asleep?” / “Quite possibly.”

“Don’t get distracted Linda. ‘Cause last time-” / “I’m not getting distracted!”

“I want another cinnamon bun, but I’ve already had three today.”

“Do you want the AC on or no?” / “No.” / “Do you want the door closed or no?” / “I don’t care. I don’t care! I can’t do this anymore. It’s like when babies can’t sleep and they’re restless. I need mommy to pat my back.” / “Oh god. She’s working.” / “She’s not gonna pat my back?” / “No. Don’t text her. Audrey.” / “I’m not. I’m on Snapchat.” / “I’m gonna go do work.” / “You do that.”

Day Two:

“Don’t miss me too much.” / “Okay.”

“Hello.” / “Hello.” / (Throws mail) / “Trash. Trash. Is it fend for yourself dinner or are you actually going to eat something?” / “I’ll probably have...meatloaf.”

“Mom look! He loves me!”

“You suck.” / “You suck toes.” / “I don’t enjoy sucking toes. That’s why I choose not to do it.”

“I’ll make just enough carrots for you.” / “Aww. Thank you.”

“Why don’t you calm your titties.” / “Why don’t you get some titties.”

“Sweet baby Jesus.”

“That’s just simple facts right there. If you tell me to do something, I’m not gonna want to do it.”

“You need me to hang out with you?” / “No. Read your play.” / “I can multitask.”

“Your headphones are underneath the couch. Please be careful.” / “Your mom’s underneath this couch.”

“I finished my play!” / “About dang time.”

“Do you peel a plum before you eat it?”

“I’m not talking to you anymore.” / “Why not?” / “Because you’re crazy.” / “No I’m not. If I’m crazy it’s cause you made me this way.”

“The only person that can make new words is Mary Poppins.”

“I know. I was joking with you my dear.”

“You want a chip?” / “No. I’m good.” / “I found a small chip in the couch.” / “No. I’m good thanks.” / (Throws it and laughs) “It fell off.” / “Gross.” / “It’s probably you or Chris over here that’s eating it.” / “It’s definitely Chris.” / “So yeah.”

Day 3:

“This is what happens when Anna drinks water at twelve am.”

“It’s cause Moore township is fucking beautiful.”

“‘How did you get that picture of my chicken coop?’ he said.”

“We have to see the chickens!”

“His parents fucking killed his chickens ‘cause he wouldn’t feed them!”

“Are chickens cannibals?” / “Pigs are cannibals, aren’t they?” / “Don’t they eat their youngs when they’re hungry?”

“Welcome to Moore township. They’re here to run you over.” / “What the fuck! And there’s a horse!?” / “This is normal.”

“Maybe one day we’ll go boating. Maybe.”

“Chickens are lowkey scary.”

“It smells like the Allentown fair.” / “That’s why I’m moving to Chicago.” / “Is this what the Gin Mill smells like?”

“She was like ‘Dakota you cow.’“

“If you’re taking us to your local strip club I am not going to be happy.”

“Dakota! Why do you live in Children of the Corn!?”

“Teehee that’s so funny.”

“Can we just drive into the river?” / “Yeah!” (Singing) “Drive into the river Bob. Drive into the river.”

“I miss this album.”

“I’m typing it down I’m not recording it. Calm the fuck down!”

“Time for your medication Karen.” / “It’s just 20 ounces of ketamine.”

“Should I take my chickens on a walk?”

“I don’t wanna get kid germs. I’ve already been around you guys today.”

“Anna’s a nature woman.”

“All I know is the Wildkrats from PBS.”

“She still owes me fifty dollars. Remember that?” / “Yeah.” / “She still owes me fifty fucking dollars.”

“Molly I dare you to crawl into the pipe.” / “Pennywise is in there. Heya Georgie!”

“It’s fuck bitches get paid.” / “Fuck bitches get money.” / “Fuck bitches get LEGOs.”

“Hold on guys. I’m afraid of heights.” / “How are you afraid of heights? You’re tall!” / “Shut up.”

“Just because I’m...just because I’m CPR certified doesn’t mean I wanna use it.”

“No poison ivy will ever be as painful as my parents’ divorce.”

“Anna, being Greek is not a personality trait.” / “Ha!”

“If I fall I’d probably die.” / “Wouldn’t that be a shame.” / “Wouldn’t that be a Shame Dawson. Hahaha.”

“Warning. Warning. Massive legend entering the building.” / “Warning. Warning. Swag levels are off the charts.”

“Kiersten’s got me hooked on Ketamine jokes. Get it?”

“The bugs are gonna use Anna’s back as a slip n slide.”

“Pfft. Jesus Christ Molly.”

“You guys remember when Anna would meow in her sleep?” / “Shut the fuck up!”

“And I was like ‘Fuck you. I’m looking for my nose plug.’“

“And I was like ‘Fuck that’ and I broke his heart.”

“I hate snapping turtles. That’s the scariest thing to me.”

(Burps) / “Bless you!”

“I honestly did math wrong when I said that.”

“Yo bro I’m a whole aquarium. I got crabs and everything.”

“1700′s hotties.”

“Get a perm or a personality.”

“Molly looks like she’s about to throw it back.” / “Throw what back?”

“Dakota tell a joke.” / “What do you get when you cross a walrus with a bus?” / “What?” / “My wife.”

“You don’t question Snoop Dogg’s presence.” / “What?” / “You don’t question his presence.”

“Remember when he made cookies with Martha Stewart?” / “Remember when Martha Stewart went to jail?”

“Rebel alert. Let me see that.” (Takes microphone) “Rebel alert.”

“Why don’t you like singing?” / “I don’t know.”

“Is it illegal to drive barefoot?” / “My sister drives barefoot. Besides, what officer is gonna pull you over and be like ‘Let me see your feet ma’am.’?”

“Look at his nails.” / “They’re so bad.” / “Cashews.” / “They are cashews.”

(Screams) / “Shut up!” / “We’re fine!”

“How are you so nice to Siri?” / “‘Cause my mom taught me to be nice to strangers.” / “I’ll be like ‘Send it bitch!’″ / “She’s not a bitch!” / “Yes she is! She’s annoying!”

“I think it’s here.” / “Yeah it’s here ‘cause Molly and I fucked it up last time.” / “Shut up!”

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