#the logical stoic one who must get the job done but he is the constant reminder that they are human

[astrangertomykin]

Van Helsing is a man so dedicated to his task and the way it wrecks his very soul is just heartbreaking. He is such a loving man that even after he plunges his stakes into their chests, knowing who they are and a fraction of the horrors they had done, weeps for their corrupted souls. There he is at the edge of the end still clinging to the humanity of them all.

[camillemontespan]

finding athenais [m!kayden x mc] [part two: the necklace]

Part One if you want to catch up.

Warnings: NSFW. Violence. Angst. Fluff. Angssssst.

@jovialyouthmusic​ @ibldw-main​ @burnsoslow​ @sirbeepsalot​ @dcbbw​ @fromthedeskofpaisleybleakmore​ @moonlightgem7​ @pug-bitch​  @saivilo​ @gardeningourmet​ @mskaneko​ @walkerswhiskeygirl​ @dailydoseofchoices​ @of-course-i-went-to-hartfeld​ @msjr0119​ @chaotichuman0090​ @jamesashtonisbae​ @krishu213​ @katedrakeohd​  @emichelle​ @emceesynonymroll​ @stopforamoment​ @notoriouscs​ @rainbowsinthestorm

Kayden pulled himself up from the floor and took a deep breath.

Be calm. Remember your training. Losing it now will only bring you defeat.

Yet, despite his training that required him to be stoic and unflinching, Kayden feit lost. Adrift. His house was destroyed and his family had vanished.

He knew he had told Athenais to escape with their son. He had even given Enzo premeditated instructions on how to get away with it. Kayden had acted like the Captain he was, ignoring every instinct that urged him to just forget his job, forget the crown for one moment and just be the family man he was.

But Kayden had been taught by his mentors that to feel emotion like that was dangerous. He had to think logically and he knew he had done the right thing by telling his wife to escape with their son.

His pregnant wife.

Kayden blocked out the thoughts in his mind and willed himself to focus.

He had told them to ride their fastest horse to the city gates and keep going. That in itself was good thinking on his part because their fastest horse, Atlas, was actually the fastest horse in Cordonia. He was a loyal companion and had been Kayden's one constant through his darkest moments. Atlas would get them to safety.

Atlas had to get them to safety.

************************************************************************************

Kayden heard a commotion outside and with his hand clasped around the handle of his sword, he stormed through his destroyed home and threw open the front door.

It was Atlas.

The black horse was wet and panting. He stamped his hooves furiously on the ground. He had no riders.

Kayden's heart stopped.

'Atlas..' he croaked, rushing down the steps to calm the animal down. 'Where's Athenais and Enzo?' he asked.

The horse looked down, as if ashamed of himself. Kayden closed his eyes. If Athenais and Enzo had been killed...

Stop thinking like that. Athenais is a warrior. She is the strongest woman you know, even more than Sunshine. She will be safe. She will have kept Enzo safe. They are not dead, don't be such a fool.

Kayden rested his head on Atlas' neck. His mind was drowning but he had to keep afloat. He had to think.

If Athenais and Enzo no longer had Atlas then they would be on foot. That was obvious. They would have ran for their lives but knowing Athenais, she would have carried their son because despite his bravado, he was still an eight year old boy.

If Atlas had just returned, then his wife and son wouldn't be far at all. The old town square was close, just around the corner, while the city gates were just past that. There was still a chance they were there.

With fresh resolve Kayden flung himself onto Atlas' back. The horse reared up on his hind legs and turned to bolt through the passage way that led to the Old Town Square. As Kayden dug his heels into the horse's sides, he refused to think the worst. He couldn't drown now. He had to keep going for Athenais.

***************************************************************************************

Blood ran down the gutters of the Old Town Square. The rioting had stopped and now an eerie silence hung over the city, as if nothing had happened. The blood and dead bodies were the crucial evidence of what had passed tonight.

Smoke cloaked the air. Kayden made Atlas slow down so he could study their surroundings.

Everyone had vacated the square, it seemed. Who would want to hang around in this place now? The fact that only Kayden and his horse were in the square showed Kayden that Athenais and Enzo were not.

Gripping the reins, Kayden guided Atlas forward towards the city gates. The gates, once golden and proud as they protected the city, had been decimated. The city gates no longer stood.

Athenais and Enzo will have made it out. They're not here.

But his positive thoughts seemed naive to Kayden. He turned the horse back and for the next hour, he rode gently through the surrounding streets, making sure to look out for his wife and son. Years of being part of the Royal Guard had served to make Kayden paranoid of all areas and to check every perimeter.

He didn't find them.

They must have gone through the city gates. They're not in the city or near home. Athenais would have ran to me if she saw me. They must have escaped.

But Kayden couldn't be too confident. Urging Atlas on, they rode back towards the square.  The horse jumped over a body which Kayden glimpsed before realisation hit him. Pulling the horse to a stop, Kayden jumped down and knelt before the dead body before him. 

‘Sunshine,’ he croaked. His colleague and friend was lying dead with an arrow through her chest. Kayden pulled her up and wrapped his arms around her, holding her tight. 

They had been colleagues for fifteen years. They had trained together. They had drank together. As the youngest, Sunshine was the little sister Kayden never had. He had looked out for her but oftentimes, it had been her looking out for him.

Kayden gently placed her back to the ground. ‘For Cordonia,’ he whispered, the Royal Guard’s motto. ‘You served with honour.’

As he clambered clumsily back onto Atlas, Kayden realised that the death of Sunshine meant that Athenais and Enzo had no protector. Willing the negative thoughts to disappear, Kayden turned his horse and rode away from his friend.

***************************************************************************************

As they neared the entrance where the gates had once stood, Atlas stopped and pawed his hoof against the dirt ground.

Frowning, Kayden looked down to see something glimmer. Wearily, he climbed off the horse and crouched down to inspect.

His throat caught.

The necklace I gave to her on our wedding day.

**************************************************************************************

After hours of love making, Kayden and Athenais had finally dragged themselves out of bed to eat. They were starving.

Their honeymoon suite was gifted to them by King Hunter as thanks for their friendship. Situated in the west wing of the palace, Kayden and Athenais had a panoramic view of Cordonia as they reluctantly made their way out onto the suite's terrace. A table and two chairs stood with a plate of cheese and grapes, complete with a bottle of red wine.

'Cordonia is beautiful..' Athenais breathed, taking in their view. She turned to see Kayden leaning against the door with a dopey smile on his face and a bed sheet wrapped around his torso.

'You're more beautiful,' he murmured.

Athenais blushed and tucked a lock of her dark wavy hair behind her ear. She was completely naked, much to Kayden's delight. Her lithe bronze body shone against the setting sun and her long hair hung down her back to graze her tailbone. Her breasts were pert and her waist was slim. She looked like a goddess come to life.

Kayden grinned and gently pulled away the sheet that covered him to drape it around her shoulders. Although he loved her like this, naked, uncovered, he didn't want anyone to look up and see his new wife in all her glory. She had a reputation to uphold. Besides, she was his and only his. Only he was allowed to see her bare.

Athenais raised an eyebrow as Kayden sat down, naked.

'Enjoying the breeze?' she asked.

Kayden chuckled deeply. 'I'm enjoying my freedom, yes.'

Athenais smiled and moved towards him. He watched as she settled down on his lap and pulled the sheet from her body to surround his. Her breasts were pressed up against his chest. Kayden let out a groan.

'Our own little cocoon,' Athenais whispered. Indeed the sheet now enveloped both of them but only they knew they were both nude inside of it.

'I like our cocoon,' Kayden remarked. 'You're a homemaker already.'

Athenais giggled and reached out to pop a grape in her mouth. Kayden watched as she swallowed and licked her lips. Athenais smirked as she felt his erection spring up against her.

'You need to eat,' she told him firmly.

Kayden's fingers reached out to stroke the space between her thighs. 'I can do that.'

Athenais shook her head. 'I meant cheese and grapes.'

Kayden smiled a delicious smile, the one he only reserved for Athenais. The smile she loved. 'I meant you.'

Athenais teasingly ground her hips against his. Kayden closed his eyes. 'You're a cunning woman, Athenais Vescovi.'

Athenais kissed his closed eyelids and then moved to pick a grape. Kayden opened his eyes to find her offering it to him. Rolling his eyes, he opened his mouth and Athenais popped the grape onto his tongue, watching as he ate.

'I have something to give you,' he said after swallowing.

Athenais' eyes looked down at his cock. Kayden burst out laughing and pulled her close to kiss her deeply.

'Not that,' he said. 'Wait a moment.' He gently lifted her off his lap and pressed a kiss on her forehead before he turned to go back inside.

He came back out with something in his hand. He looked nervous. Athenais smiled encouragingly and watched him as he held out his hand. 'It's a gift,' he told her. 'A wedding gift.'

Athenais clapped her hands together and reached out to take it.

She gasped. 'Kayden.. This is beautiful.'

It was a necklace with the Vescovi emblem of a lion. It was made of simple material but the lion was heavy and the craftsmanship showed the details of the lion's mane perfectly.

Kayden reached out to place the necklace around her neck and gently clasped it. 'You are my family now,' he murmured in her ear, making the hairs on the back of her neck stand up, 'which means we're a pride. A pride of lions. I will keep you safe and love you with everything I have, Athenais. I promise.'

Athenais turned to catch his lips with hers. 'I know you will,' she whispered, 'and I will keep you safe and love you with everything I have too.'

*****************************************************************************************

Kayden sank to his knees with the necklace gripped in his fist. Athenais never took the necklace off - never. She wore it when she slept, she wore it when she bathed. It had become a part of her. Now here it was, off her neck, in his hands.

Think clearly. Don’t drown in negative thoughts. Keep afloat.

Sunshine was dead which meant Athenais had no protector. Kayden’s mind raced as he realised, deep down, that this was a sign for him. Athenais had pulled the necklace from her neck and left it for him to find. It was like a trail of her movements, which he had previously told her not to do but now he felt grateful to her. 

The necklace had been found near the gates which meant either she managed to escape through the gates with Enzo or, worst case situation, had been taken. Kayden couldn’t allow his anger to seep through as he considered every possibility.

Be the Captain of the Royal Guard. Think like him. Be him. 

Athenais never took off the necklace. To do so now meant she was in danger. She needed to find a way to tell him this and so, she used the one thing she had at her disposal. She truly was Kayden’s wife.

Kayden tucked the necklace inside his armour close to his heart.

***************************************************************************************

Kayden rode Atlas through the city gates and up the hill towards the palace. The roads were deserted but the wreckage remained.  

The palace was guarded now by Kayden’s men, just as he had left it. The blood that had been spilled in the courtyard had soaked into the limestone pavings, tainting this once beautiful palace. 

Kayden jumped down from his horse and ran into the palace, ignoring his men as they saluted him. He rushed up the stairs to the King’s quarters and was granted access. 

King Hunter was in his rooms with Percival Beaumont, the head of House Beaumont. In the corner was Percival’s wife, Annalisa - Athenais’ sister and Kayden’s sister in law who was watching her husband and the king discuss next moves.  Annalisa jumped up from her chair and rushed to Kayden.

‘Kayden! Are you alright? Where’s Athenais and Enzo? They’re safe?’

Kayden looked down at Annalisa and cleared his throat. ‘They’re missing.’

Annalisa stepped back. ‘What?’

Hunter and Percival had now come forward, their faces white.  ‘Missing?’ Hunter asked. 

Annalisa sat back down, her eyes bulging with shock. Percival went down on his knees beside her, trying to soothe her by whispering quietly that it was alright, everything was going to be alright.

‘SHE’S MY SISTER!’ Annalisa shouted at Percival. 

Kayden closed his eyes. He wished Annalisa wasn’t here right now. He wished he was home, with his family, and not living this nightmare. 

‘Hunter, I’m going to find them,’ Kayden said, keeping his voice steady, ignoring the sound of Annalisa crying. ‘I told her to escape if the house got broken into and now she’s gone. I don’t know where she is but I can only hope she is safe.’

‘I’ll find her with you,’ Hunter said urgently.

‘No,’ Kayden replied. ‘You’re the King. Cordonia needs you right now. They need their ruler to protect them-’

‘I have watched my palace be destroyed,’ Hunter interrupted. ‘I have watched my courtiers dragged out to the courtyard  by these masked monsters and killed. I have heard the screams of Cordonia which will now haunt my dreams forever. Trust me when I say, Kayden, I have not protected them. Not in the slightest.’

There was a loaded silence. Kayden looked down at his boots then back at his king and friend. Hunter, who was always so good and so kind. Selfless. 

‘I appreciate your offer,’ Kayden told him delicately, ‘but your place right now is to be there for your people. Protect them now.’ 

‘But you can’t do this alone-’ 

‘I can-’

‘I’ll help you,’ Percival interrupted, eager to stop the two men from fighting. Kayden whipped around to stare at Percival. 

‘You’re a Lord, your duty is to your house,’ he began to protest but Percival held up his hand. 

‘Athenais is my sister in law,’ he said. ‘She is family.’

‘I’ll go too.’

The men turned now to stare at Annalisa this time, who was standing up with her fists clenched. Percival couldn’t mask his horror. ‘No!’ he cried. ‘You are not putting yourself in danger-’

‘My sister is in danger!’

‘Yes but you’re my wife and I refuse to put you in harms way!’ Percival shouted. Annalisa stepped back, her eyes brimming with tears. Percival never shouted; he was always calm. Always. 

‘I will never live with myself if I let you ride your horse into unknown danger!’ Percival continued. ‘What kind of husband would I be?!’

Kayden let out a dark laugh. ‘A husband like me.’

Percival stopped shouting and turned red. He cast his eyes down. ‘Kayden, I didn’t know.. I’m sorry, I was being emotional, I didn’t mean it-’

‘Yes you did,’ Kayden said bluntly. ‘And you were right to say it. It’s my fault Athenais and my son are missing because I told them to escape on our fastest horse if the house was broken into. Athenais listened and now she is gone. I failed her as a husband and I will forever regret sending her out into unknown danger.  But I made a promise that I would find her and I will do it.’ 

Percival closed his eyes. ‘Let me help you,’ he whispered. ‘Please.’

When he opened his eyes, he lingered on Annalisa then back to Kayden. It was then the Crown Shield realised; Percival wanted to find Athenais for his wife. Her sister. He wanted Annalisa to be reunited with the only person in the world who made her whole. 

Blood trumped everything. Everytime.

*******************************************************************************************

As Kayden and Percival bid goodbye to the King and Annalisa, they wandered through the empty palace corridors to the exit.  

‘Where will we start to look for them?’ Percival asked. 

Kayden sighed. ‘The woods near the city gates,’ he said.  He continued to walk through the foyer but was stopped by Percival, who took his arm. 

‘We will find your family, Kayden,’ Percival told him, his voice filled with determination. ‘Knowing Athenais, she is one step ahead, as always.’

Kayden was about to respond but was interrupted by a familiar voice. ‘Athenais?’

Kayden turned to see a man dressed in full armour with a helmet on his head. ‘...Frisk?’

His colleague. Thank God one of them had survived. Kayden rushed over to Frisk and pulled him in for an uncharacteristic hug. Frisk cleared his throat. ‘Uhh good to see you too, sir.’

Kayden pulled back. ‘My wife and son are missing.’

Frisk opened the shield that hid his eyes. Kayden started at the green eyes that looked back at him, edged with laughter lines. 

‘Then let’s go find them,’ Frisk said, before sliding the shield back over, obscuring his face and those friendly eyes from view.

[starlitesymphony]

Timelost Worldbuilding #4: The Birth of Keitu

This week, we’re going back in time to thirty years before the beginning of Ark of the Timelost. To switch things up, instead of the usual vignette from Quin, I made a montage of lines from the actual book. The real juicy worldbuilding details.

To save getting really confused I’d recommend checking out this previous post, The Collective’s Troika. No worries, it’s short. If you’ve got questions, I’m happy to answer them!

Other links for my dystopian science fiction (…solarpunk?) WIP - Timelost Worldbuilding series - novel blurb/snippet - long snippet - moodboards - everything else

In the AOTT universe, humans have been profoundly connected to their nanotech-enriched environment for eons. They reproduce by appealing to their city. The primal AIs put potential parents and their genes through an arcane screening process, part of which requires allowing the city to read the entirety of one’s own memories. Kids are then grown in pod-like structures and emerge being able to walk. (Pods have their own requirements, like a constant mental connection to parents, among other things.)

The Troika, though, are barred from ever becoming parents. Because once you’re implanted with an armor seed, you change. You’re no longer human.

Not just anyone can be implanted. Troika rely on the city of Gallanthius to seek out possible candidates to become apprentices. Over the centuries, candidates have become increasingly rare, to the point where Maddox, Quin’s mentor, waited over a hundred years. And still, years ticked by without a peep from Gallanthius.

Keitu, my apprentice, was Ash’s idea. Your family is all gone? he asked me one day. Yes, I told him. They died of old age. Their great-grandchildren think I did, too. He asked what I thought of having children of my own, which prompted me to inquire what brought that on. If you can’t find an apprentice, he said, what if you could do that? Because wouldn’t your armor-altered DNA make the child compatible with your armor? That was a question I really didn’t know the answer to. Twelve years later, I still didn’t have an answer, and I could not get it off my mind.

The Troika keep their own secrets from the Collective. Only we can grow nanoseeds, and they’re microscopic. The Collective can’t spy on us with any sort of efficiency because nanoarmor can sense observers, not just devices. What we are is largely a mystery to them. They know our genetic patterns, of course, and the technical details of the nanotech. But why can’t you hack the building and grow a nanoseed? Why is it that even if the military conscripts a child who’s nearly identical to you, there’s no guarantee they’re compatible?

… By then, Ash and I were fighting nationalists on Taru Luna. He asked if I’d put any more thought into growing an apprentice.  And this time I told the truth. I wanted to do it. But I didn’t want a clone.

We took eighty nine percent of my genes, eleven percent of Ash’s, and submitted the template to the wills of the city. We hacked the building’s settings and grew a gestation pod in my study, and watched Keitu develop there.

Ash made me promise to tell Aneke, our mentor, about her by the time her neurons started firing.

It was a big spectacle of Collective meetings and Troika uproar. My inbox was a warzone.

Frankly, I didn’t care.

…

Keitu had just achieved full Troika status when Aneke’s ship vanished in warp.

With nothing to do but hope for the best, we waited to see if she would come through. Keitu and I left on separate assignments after weeks of nothing. I got a strange message from her while we were gone. She claimed she saw Aneke—while passing through warp. She saw her not in a ship, but standing on a world somewhere out in spacetime, like she’d been blown off course and Keitu managed a passing glimpse of her through layers of reality.

Everyone dreams in warp. Everyone sees things.

I didn’t think anything of it.

Keitu did.

… Since I had a full schedule and couldn’t talk her out of it, I had Ash go in my place.

All data feeds from their ship ceased when they entered warp.

No one knows what happened after that.

I called in every favor, every contact, every name from the Collective I could come up with. I wrote requests for personal travel until they ordered me to stop and informed me they were working on the problem. A Troika and her apprentice had been sent to the coordinates in question.

They did bring Ash back. Delirious, memory in shambles, armor compromised within a hair of his life.

There’s a thing the Collective believes about Troika. They wouldn’t say it to your face, of course, but they like to imply that the Troika are brainwashed, or deadened emotionally, mechanized to the point of unfeeling logic.

No matter how irrational it was, I still wished I’d been there with Keitu.

It was just as they said. I didn’t deserve an apprentice. I’d failed, and it was time for me to accept it. Another century alone.

… From the moment anyone steps inside the city, it reads them, subtly. The weight and pattern of your footsteps, the composition of your exhale. The city itself alerted the Collective to your presence, Quin. You fit a niche in the ecosystem, so to speak.

The Collective came to my door.

There are three of them appointed to interact with us, and while you might receive assignments from any number of individuals, these are the only ones you’ll ever meet face to face. They call themselves the First Three. They stood in the hallway in ridiculous matching suits, like they’d escaped from a marching band.

I never invite them inside. This was no exception.

The First said, You haven’t answered our messages.

The Second said, Is there a chance you would like to withdraw your application for an apprentice?

The Third said, It’s understandable if you’ve changed your mind.

Taking a moment to answer seems to make them uncomfortable, and rather…shifty. Like their features get fuzzy if you stare too long.

You see, the Third continued, you have given us a nanoseed. We presume you have not grown another since your last apprentice. We would be willing to strike a bargain.

We’ll have to talk about interest.

Personal travel.

Priorities.

Favors.

But if you’re unwilling to commit at this time, we must warn you, the candidate will not be available at a later date. She is most valuable as a future Troika but there are other options.

I wanted to step back and shut the door right in their unnatural doll faces. But I asked, What options?

As soon as I said the words, I knew the answer. Before this, it had never occurred to me that the nanoseed I gave them could have remained intact. I assumed they would study it. Not keep it in storage. Perhaps it seems obvious in hindsight that they would implant someone with my nanoseed without my consent, not to mention without official conscription documents.

The First Three said, in their plain, toneless voices, that the candidate would be joining a separate program.

I couldn’t tell what they thought of my silence. I had to play the part of the indifferent Troika. Used to working alone. What would I know about Collective programs?

So, I said, Let’s talk favors. I’ll give you a fully trained Troika in fifteen years. But Ash stays with Aneke. 

Fine. But you will have extra assignments. Some you might not like so very much. No protesting. No spamming inboxes.

I demanded official conscription documents for the candidate in question.

I agreed to a few specific jobs they had in mind, and the donation of a lock of hair.

It grew difficult to remain stoic. With each concession I made, my lungs seemed to shrink. Finally, I said, I’m yours for six years. Whatever you ask, consider it done. At the end of that time, the candidate will be past childhood, and will become my apprentice. Until then, this conversation stays between us.

The First Three sniffed, exchanged looks, and agreed to my terms as if it was what they’d wanted all along.

(Thank you so much for reading!)

[will-iswriting-again]

Squish

Title: Squish

Fandom: Sander Sides

Pairing(s): Logicality

Genre: Angst with a happy ending

Word Count: 2564

Warning(s): Weight Mention

Tag List: @irish-newzealand-idian-dutch

Finally finished @lamp-calm-sanders fic, so sorry it took so long (I say knowing full well this is sadly the shortest amount of time it has ever taken me to write a fic, I am so sorry) (also spent like and hour trying to fix this because tumblr hates the copy paste option)  

~~~

Logan hadn’t always felt bad about his body. Logan hadn’t always looked at his chub with disdain or fantasized what it would be like to be skinny, he hadn’t always wondered what it would be like to not be fat. God, he hated that word, he hated it’s definition, the connotations it brought when he said it, he even hated the ugly way it seemed to roll off his tongue. But he hated that he hated his body even more. He knew he wasn’t unhealthy (He encouraged Thomas to eat healthily often and Logan was not much of a hypocrite) it was just how his body metabolized food and he understood that. He knew the other three loved him and his body but he still couldn’t stop the negativity he felt when he thought about it.

Like he said though, he hadn’t always hated his size, for most of his life the thoughts never dared cross his mind. He wasn’t really sure when they had started, when Thomas was younger he hadn’t minded his size, if anything he liked his body. And he knew the other sides had no problem. Roman didn’t really care, he could playfully quip with Logan no matter how skinny or fat he was. Virgil liked to act like it didn’t bother him but he secretly loved the comfort that came with Logan’s hugs that wouldn’t have felt the same if Logan were any skinnier (he had always taken pride in being the only one besides Patton who could calm the anxious trait down.) And Patton, of course, loved Logan’s size, when they were younger Patton would always gush about how adorable Logan was, calling Logan his favorite “squish.”

Squish (adj)- a way of describing someone who is smol (see card 37), loveable, and sometimes even physically squishy.

Logan pretended he thought it was annoying but he secretly loved the endearing nickname. A warm fuzzy feeling would erupt in his chest whenever Patton said it, his heart would swell and his cheeks would turn bright red (when he was older and could understand emotions better he defined this feeling as happiness.)

Happiness (n)- the state of feeling happy (showing or feeling pleasure/contentment)

But that all changed during Thomas’s teenage years. It had started off small, Thomas would watch a movie with his friends, the coined “fat kid” was always the butt of the jokes. Logan had brushed it off at the time, high school children were often harsh for the sake of it, there was nothing wrong with him, the cruelties of high school were to blame. Then Thomas’s chubbier friends would get picked on at school, Logan once again would brush it off as useless teenage bullying but now there was an inkling of doubt (what if they were right? What if he was the wrong one here, what if they were right) Then social media began to take off and everywhere Logan would people just like him endlessly picked on for no other reason than how big they were. They were accused of being lazy, fat, disgusting, unhygienic, unmotivated, wrong, bad, wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong

After careful data analysis and consideration Logan finally concluded that being fat was bad. If so many people hated it (hated him) then statistically it must be true. Fat was wrong, he was wrong.

If Logan was younger he would have talked to Patton or Virgil about it. He would have crawled in their beds and cried his feelings away until he felt better. He could’ve sobbed into Patton’s chest and laid his insecurities out as they cuddled in his bed. He could have leaned on Virgil’s shoulder as they watched rain trickle down the their windows, just enjoying the quiet content of it all. 

But it was too late for that, they had grown distant as Thomas had gotten older. Virgil was much more controlling during high school, he knew all the horrible things kids in school could do and he just wanted to protect Thomas from it all. But the other sides never thought that was the right way approach to high school and soon it became a constant war of Virgil vs. everyone else. So it hadn’t really surprised Logan when the other’s bickering had grown so tiresome for the anxious side that he had decided he was done with it all and retired to his room. Patton had been upset at first but Virgil could still do his job and he came out eat when he needed to so eventually Patton relented. By the time Thomas started making vines Logan had only seen Virgil a handful of times.

And Logan, too, had become more distant, Patton and Roman were too emotional most of the time (this was when he missed his left brain bro... the name was Virgil’s suggestion) and he did not have the time or energy to deal with them. He and Roman started disagreeing more often, Roman’s outlandish ideas sometimes overpowering any logical thought. Patton, of course, tried to bond with him every once in awhile but each time Logan would brush it off, so yeah, Logan was not in any position to ask any of them for help.

So he dealt on his own, and he was good at it. He learned to bottle his emotions up into this tiny spot in his chest and never touch them again. Using that method he could cope with all his issues without any negative connotations for Thomas. He was fine.

Until he wasn’t.

~~~

“This one’s for you Patton!” Thomas exclaimed, phone in hand. It was a late Tuesday night and they had yet again been subjected to Sides Q&A. “What’s your favorite cartoon?”

“Ooh! It’s so hard to choose,” Patton gushed. “But if I have to choose I’d saaaaaay, Steven Universe but Legend of Korra is always a close second.” Patton said with a grin. It’d been a bad day for Logan, nothing particular had happened it was just one of those really bad days where the mirrors seemed to distort his image until he felt like he was looking at an ugly monster. It was one of those day where he didn’t want anyone to see him, it made him feel open and vulnerable and he couldn’t deal with that right now.  It was just one of those days where he just wanted to lay in his bed and hide under the covers until the sun went away. But life was never exactly kind to Logan when exactly kind when he wanted it to be.

“Virgil, in your opinion, who gives the best hugs?” Thomas queried, breaking Logan from his train of thought.

“I don’t really have many options considering Patton’s the only one who hugs me but I guess I’d say Patton,” Virgil said, bitterness from his years of exclusion leaking through. Pain pierced through Logan’s heart, he used to be Virgil’s favorite hugger.

Longing (n)- a yearning desire for what once was or what could be

“I will make an effort in the future to engage in more comforting physical contact.” Logan managed to squeeze out of his chest, stoic as ever, determined to hide the swell of emotions threatening to break the surface.

“As will I!” Roman declared. “I shall become the best hugger you have ever seen Virgil dear.” Virgil rolled his eyes but everyone could see the light blush that dusted his cheeks.

“Ah! Here’s another one for Logan,” Thomas interrupted. “What’s your favorite vocabulary card?” The interests of the other three perked up. It seemed like Logan had hundreds of cards and they’d only seen a handful.

”There are many that I’ve grown fond of but at this time my favorite is Extra.” Logan replied, flipping the card out from his back pocket.

Extra (adj)- Someone who is over the top, flamboyant or dramatic when it is not necessary

“It was not only one of the easier ones to learn but it is also an adequate insult for Roman.” He said with a mischievous smirk. Roman feigned an affronted gasp.

“I’ll let you know,” He cried, hand over his heart “I take that as a compliment.” He said dramatically and sniffled.

“See, case in point. You are extra.” Logan said, pointing at him, earning a chuckle from Virgil and another gasp from Roman. Thomas chuckled but pulled up another ask.

“This one’s for all of you,” He said. “Who do you all think is the hottest?” Immediately, they all jumped in, putting in their thoughts.

“Noooo, I can’t choose we’re all beautiful.” Patton said in distress eyes bouncing to all of them wildly.

“Oh it’s me of course,” Roman said gallantly, striking a pose.

“Why are you forcing us to choose who is what society expects to be ‘hot?’”Virgil asked, shaking his head. 

“I hate to say it, but I do agree with Roman,” Logan spoke up and everyone paused to stare at him, even Thomas, Logan rarely agreed with Roman, much less on frivolous things such as this. “While you all are beautiful in your own way, Roman is the only one who fits the societal version of a hot version and actively tries to maintain this image.” No one spoke for a moment, the air tense and uncomfortable. Everyone was staring at Logan like he’d just grown two more heads, he looked away, not used to so much attention on him at once. Finally, Patton broke the silence.

“You mean, we are all beautiful, you forgot yourself.” He whispered and Logan tensed, Patton was the type of person who just sort of knew when someone wasn’t feeling like themselves and Logan didn’t want Patton to know right now.

Intuition (n)- the ability to understand something immediately, without the need for conscious reasoning

“Yes, yes, of course, merely a slip of the tongue,” Logan lied, his fingers tapping on his wrist to the beat of his nervous heart rate. “However, this question was shallow and I’d prefer not to take part in ones like these again, therefore I shall be going. Goodbye everyone.” He sunk out as quick as he could, he could hear the others saying their goodbyes and following behind him as he willed all his strength into not sprinting into his room and collapsing into his bed.

“Hey, Logan,” Virgil mumbled from behind, managing to catch him in the commons. “Umm.. sleep well.” He said, smiling softly, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. It may not have seemed like much but Logan knew it was so much more, when he was ready he would go to Virgil and finally talk about what was bothering him but he wasn’t ready yet and Virgil understood that.

With that comforting thought, he finally made it into his room and collapsed on the bed, the metaphorical damn breaking as his chest seemed to cleave in two, silent tears leaking out as he curled in on himself, bringing his knees to his chest. But he surprisingly didn’t feel particularly bad, there wasn’t any of the usual uncomfortable ball of sadness weighing on his chest, instead there was nothing. But he didn’t feel good either. It wasn’t like the weight had been lifted, it seemed more like a pleasant numbing. If he was being honest, he didn’t really feel anything at all.

He could deal with that, not feeling was fine, Logan was perfectly okay with not feeling. It probably wasn’t healthy but it was something different from the aches that usually plagued him everyday and Logan could use every break he could get. Patton, on the other hand, was not fine with that and chose a very poor time to barge into Logan’s room.

“Hey, kiddo, I noticed you were feeling down earlier and wanted to know if-” Patton paused, noticing the strange emptiness of the room. “Logan?” Logan didn’t move, laying still in his void of nothingness, he wanted Patton to go away and take all his feelings with him, Logan did not need them right now, he couldn’t breathe when they were there and needed them to leave.

“Oh honey,” Patton cooed and hurried over to the bed to sit next to Logan, his hand resting soothingly on Logan’s knee. “Is this about the Q&A question earlier?” Logan hesitantly nodded numbly, staring right past Patton. It was useless lying to Patton, he’d pester Logan until he confessed if he didn’t.

“I-I was not feeling my best.” He managed to mumble, the salty sensation of his tears shocking him closer to reality.

“Why?” Patton asked softly.

“It.. reminded me that I-I do not have a.. d-desirable body type.” He said slowly and Patton frowned.

“Is it because you’re chubbier than us?” Patton asked and Logan nodded again, more tears flowing as a silent sob wracked through him. Patton frowned and turned to face the crying boy. “You know that your size has nothing to do with your beauty right?” Logan paused.

“B-But it does,” Logan said earnestly. “I have looked over so much data, and the data shows that fat people are ugly. So I must be ugly... It’s only logical thinking.” He trailed off at the end, looking away from Patton and focusing on a tiny speck of dust in his covers.

“Can you sit up kiddo? I want to prove you wrong.” Patton said after a moment, an unidentifiable look in his eyes. Logan frowned but relented, sitting cross legged across from Patton, who smiled and poked his arm.

“See these arms? You may only see flab, but I see that these arms are the same arms that give the best hugs in the mindscape, even Virgil will agree with me on this one.” Patton lightly squeezed his arm and Logan rolled his eyes.

“And this tum?” Patton lightly pinched a bit of fat around his stomach. “This is the cutest tum I have ever seen. Even if you don’t think so.” He gave Logan a quick tickle as Logan giggled slightly and squirmed away.

“And you said your body isn’t hot? Well we must be talking about different people because Logan baby those hips do not lie.” Patton whistled, gaining a small chuckle from Logan. “You are perfect just the way you are Logan, your size is beautiful and just the right size for you. Your size is a part of who you are, you wouldn’t be my favorite squish without it.” The childhood nickname sent Logan over the edge as he launched himself into Patton’s arms, sobbing as Patton cupped Logan’s head against his shoulder. He let years of anguish and self loathing overflow as he clung to Patton like a frightened child. Patton calmingly shushed him and whispers words of kindness into his ears as they fell back against Logan’s bed, content in each other’s arms.

Logan knew he’d always have bad days. He knew there would be times where he couldn’t stand to look in a mirror. There would be days he’d want to hide away and never let anyone in but he knew Patton and the other sides would always be there for him and in that moment, for Logan, that was enough.

Also, Logan lied, extra was not his favorite vocabulary word.

Squish (adj)- a way of describing someone who is smol (see card 37), loveable, and sometimes even physically squishy. (i.e Logan)