#the only problem rn is that I keep picking at a scab and if I do it too often it will never heal over. rip

[anglerflsh]

solution for intrusive thoughts

[i-did]

i have this hc that neil picks at his scabs (just bc i do too) and his legs are full of scars from some little injure and it sometimes becomes a huge mark bc he just can't stop to do it

and i believe this so firmly that i don't even know if it's consistent to canon neil anymore (i am not too worried if its not)

i have thought of some things to put some depth in this hc but honestly i can't remember them and its 3am so I'm not bothering rn

i just wanted to hear what u think since this is a blog i like a lot, no need to worry if its just not something u don't want to answer or anything, I'm not gonna be upset

hope u're better

We definitely see evidence of this in canon, Neil idly scratches at his bandages multiple times and Andrew slaps his hands away to stop him. I definitely agree with you.

Maybe it's because I HC Neil to have ADHD, or maybe it’s because of his canon actions of being a bit of a meddler, but I definitely see Neil as someone who fiddles with things and struggles to stop picking at them. He peels his water bottle labels and twists the empty plastic ones in his hands. He continuously rubs his shirts down to make sure they're covering his scars and bounces his leg. He has a lot of numerous nervous ticks that most people don’t care to pay attention to but become easier to read when you get to know him. Andrew catches him picking at his cuticles. But Neil never puts his fingers in his mouth, his mother would hit his hands, she did this because it's rude to keep your fingers in your mouth, and later on because she didn’t want him to get sick.

Neil’s shins are perpetually bruised and pockmarked with more common scars. He scratches at mosquito bites endlessly and scabs are his victim. Even small scrapes will scar with the amount he’ll scratch at them without thinking. He gets ingrown hairs from scarring that covers stubborn follicles, ones from his chest hair, patchy happy trail, stomach, nip hair, the whole deal. He doesn’t notice the sore bumps often since he can’t feel it though the scar tissue often, and he used to avoid looking at his chest, but later on he starts to see them and go ‘hm’ and pick at them in the shower. Andrew stops him of course, instead buying him a shower cloth to rub over the skin and gently exfoliate.

Neil’s lucky he didn’t ever really have face acne, otherwise he never would have left it alone. He got some sometimes in his hairline and on his back and chest, but Neil seems like the type who used dish soap for his body, hair, and face, saying it lasts longer. The only reason his skin wasn't cracking was because he’s got naturally oily skin and hair and didn't bring it to the locker room showers, where instead he used no soap at all.

Neil definitely picks at his scabs, and I also think Neil’s body tends to keloid scar for more intense injuries. There isn’t a square foot of skin on his body that doesn't have some sort of scarring, maybe not even half a square foot, even if said scar is just a bug bite he couldn't leave alone. His palms, elbows, and knees, are also very scarred, just from falling and getting back up a lot. Before the scars on his hands and face he looked in general pretty scraped up, more than the average person, but people typically assumed he took some kind of fall last week instead of every week. Maybe they think he goes camping from all the smaller scars on his legs they see when he wore shorts. Usually Neil wore long sleeves and jeans when he could, and no one really asked. They never seemed like a concerning amount anyways, more like a clumsy kid with a skin picking problem than anything, and considering how jumpy he was and how much he picked at his cuticles in class and looked out the window, no one really thought much more of it than that.

[depressed-x-bitch]

i’m really trying to get back on my shit with school work and taking care of myself. this week has by far been my best week so far. i actually participated in a majority of my classes this week. i took the constitution test tuesday i think ? and i got an 80 on it so that’s good ! a majority of my grades are in the 50’s percentage wise, i have a 1.71 in algebra.. don’t ask i haven’t done anything, i used to have a 0, no idea how i got 1 percentage lmao. but today was my first day actually participating in algebra class in weeks woweee. surprisingly i didn’t do as bad as i thought, but we do have a test or quiz tomorrow i think ?? idk what imma do about that. then i have a 17 in english (along with 8 absences 😬) so i have to get started on the essay we’re doing rn. uhm then i have a 28 as one of my finance grades (i have 2 periods of finance so 2 different grades) from not turning in guided notes from our first unit. but it should go up soon as i’ve been doing all the work and we have 2 tests tomorrow that i’ll hopefully do good on. spanish is currently my highest grade and it’s about a 65 rn, i’ve been doing really good in spanish, mainly because she doesn’t take late work so if i want to bring my grade up i have to actually do stuff on time. i’ve been semi-regularly washing my face and brushing my teeth. i’ve never had too much of a problem with showering, i don’t shower everyday but i shower every 2-3 days, 4 days max. i’ve also been trying to actually change my clothes every couple days cuz uhm,, wearing the same underwear for 4 days is not hot. i’ve been good about using moisturizer a few times everyday on my arms and anywhere else i feel dry and my eczema is getting a lot better. i’m still itchy but definitely not as bad ! i just have to get these last few scabs healed up and hopefully i’ll be okay, i just need to stop picking them and accidentally itching them. uhm yea. i need to call my psychiatrist and tell her that the medications she prescribed do nottt work out for me. i wasn’t able to get ANYTHING done while on them because i was so drowsy and woozy. i only took them for a few days but i felt like shit everyday and it just kept getting worse. i’ve been off them for like a week already and i haven’t called her because i hateee making calls ;( i get so nervous. like the ladies that answer the phone are always super nice but i’m still sooo nervous and embarrassed for some reason. and i haven’t even brought up seeing a therapist to my mom, i don’t even want to think about what she would say or ask if i asked her to see a therapist. not to mention it would probably take forever unless i actually did something. like she was confused why i wanted to see my psychiatrist again, what’s she gonna think when i ask to see a therapist. i just don’t want her to be like “well you can talk to me” because,, no tf i can’t. you are literally part of the problem, and if i was to talk to you i’d definitely fucking hurt your feelings. not to mention how you don’t like to believe you are ever the problem, or part of the problem yk. so yea can’t talk to her, never have been able to. and trust me i already fucking tried. it just results in her getting frustrated because she can’t understand the problem. and she always gives up in the end. so idk when i’ll get around to asking her about seeing a therapist. hopefully i’ll be able to get all my grades up to at least C’s before this quarter ends, i should be able to if i keep up with everything. then after my grades aren’t failing and i’m on top of my work i can actually get a job !! i need to start saving up for a car and to move out. hopefully i won’t have to stay in this house for too many more years. me and my cousin are gonna save for a car together. and me, her and her boyfriend are gonna start saving up so we can all get a house together. so hopefully it won’t take too long seeing as it’s not just me. then i also need money to buy weeeddd !!! gots to support my love (addiction) for weed !! but yea, just wanted to let that out. i’m somewhat proud of myself haha

[donghun-s]

the very large sp3arb tag

so @sp3arb has tagged me in a total four tags recently and i’m finally getting around to all of them!! tysm for all the tags, meri (btw i love your name?? i think its super cute!) and i hope you learn a bunch of unnecessary stuff abt me lmao (under the cut bc this is a long ass post)

i dont have a name for this tag

1ST RULE: Tag 9 people you want to get to know better

im not tagging anyone bc im bad at things and most ppl i wanna know about, meri has already tagged so

2ND RULE: BOLD the statements that are true.

APPEARANCE: - I am 5'7 or taller - I wear glasses - I have at least one tattoo - I have at least one piercing - I have blonde hair - I have brown eyes - I have short hair - My abs are at least somewhat defined - I have or had braces

PERSONALITY: - I love meeting new people - People tell me I am funny - Helping others with their problems is a big priority of mine - I enjoy physical challenges - I enjoy mental challenges - I am playfully rude to people I know- I started saying something ironically and now I can’t stop saying it - There is something I would change about my personality

ABILITY: - I can sing well - I can play an instrument - I can do over 30 pushups without stopping - I am a fast runner - I can draw well - I have a good memory - I am good at doing maths in my head - I can hold my breath underwater for over a minute - I have beaten at least 2 people arm wrestling - I can make at least 3 recipes from scratch - I know how to throw a proper punch

HOBBIES: - I enjoy sports - I’m on a sports team at my school or somewhere else - I’m in a orchestra or choir at my school or somewhere else - I have learned a new song in the past week - I exercise at least once a week - I have gone for runs at least once a week in warmer months - I have drawn something in the past month - I enjoy writing - Fandoms are my #1 priority  - I do some form of Martial arts

EXPERIENCES: - I have had my first kiss - I have had alcohol - I have scored a winning point in a sport - I have watched an entire TV series in one sitting - I have been at an overnight event - I have been in a taxi - I have been in the hospital or ER in the past year - I have beaten a video game in one day - I have visited another country - I have been to one of my favorite band’s concerts

MY LIFE: - I have one person that I consider to be my Best Friend - I live close to my school/work - My parents are still together - I have at least one sibling - I live in the United States - There is snow where I live right now - I have hung out with a friend in the past month - I have a smart phone - I own at least 15 CDs - I share my room with someone

RELATIONSHIPS: - I am in a Relationship - I have a crush on a celebrity - I have a crush on someone I know - I’ve been in at least 3 relationships - I have never been in a Relationship - I have admitted my feelings to a crush - I get crushes easily - I have had a crush for over a year - I have been in a relationship for over a year - I have had feelings for a friend

RANDOM: - I have break-danced - I know a person named Jamie  - I have had a teacher that has a name that is hard to pronounce - I have dyed my hair - I’m listening to a song on repeat right now - I have punched someone in the past week - I know someone who has gone to jail - I have broken a bone - I have eaten a waffle today - I know what I want to do in life - I speak at least two languages [i don’t speak two, i speak one and sign in another] - I have made a new friend in the past year

alphabet tag

Rules: answer the questions in a new post and tag 10 blogs you would like to get to know better

I was tagged by Roxanne ( is it ok if I call you Roxy? I like Roxy) Actually @lxx-fxlix  And for some reason it did not give me the notification you did, I was casually stalking your blog when I saw:

A: age? 16 (01 liner)

B: birthplace? North Carolina

C: current time? 7:53 pm

D: drink you had last? Arnold Palmer (half sweet tea, half lemonade)

E: easiest person to talk to? for me, it’s my irl best friend gwen and my best friend on here, krys

F: favorite song? oof i’m super indecisive so i’m just gonna commit to mayday by got7 (it always changes but mayday has stayed on my constantly rotating playlist for nearly six months now; most are on for six weeks, max)

G: grossest memory? uh probably when one of my swim lesson kids tried to eat a bug (they were like four) and i had to make them spit it out into my hands 

H: hogwarts house? proud slytherin!!

I: in love? i love a lot of people, but i’m not IN love

J: jealous of people? not anymore, my self-esteem has gotten so much better in past years

K: killed someone? uhm a couple of times in fics (*cough* jinjin in not like this *cough*)

L: love at first sight or should i walk by again? not love but pls walk by again bc i’m probably enjoying your aesthetics

M: middle name? christine

N: number of siblings? one, an older sister

O: one wish? to adopt a kid with no family or an unhealthy one (obvs when  older and financially stable)

P: person you called last? my sister called me yesterday morning, and before that i had called my friend to tell him abt a near death experience when i was driving

R: reasons to smile? something good will happen to you, you’ll meet someone wonderful, and there’s always new experiences to happen

S: song you sang last? poet by bastille (an underrated fave)

T: time you woke up? about 8 am

U: underwear color? light heathered grey

V: vacation destination? i’d love to go to greece someday! santorini would be my first choice, and then my great-grandparents old village near thessaloniki

W: worst habit? probs my dermatillia (picking at acne on my face until it bleeds, then picking at the scabs, leaving a bunch of scars that will never go away)

X: x-rays? i got one on my tailbone one time, two years after i sprained it bc my mom didn’t believe me

Y: your favorite food? uhhh most anything tbh; i quite like the honey butter chicken sandwich from pdq

Z: zodiac sign? libra

✨ Fun Facts Tag ✨

Rules for this are:

Have fun with it!  

Tag some of your mutuals

1) Favourite colours:

orange!! and after that, any kinds of pastel or muted darks

2) Favourite song at the moment:

lotto by exo has been on replay in my head, my car, and my earbuds

3) Last book you read:

the sun and her flowers by rupi kaur

4) Last TV show you watched:

i tried to watch part-time idol bc hyunbin from jbj was in it, but within the first 15 minutes they set up an unnecessary relationship so i had to nope out of there real hard; i then reverted back to rewatching white collar for the fifth time

5) Last movie you watched:

does john mulaney’s nerflix comedy special comeback kid count?? if not, probably nightmare before christmas way back around christmastime

6) If you have a pet whats their name?:

four dogs: pheonix, kino, midge, and bess; three horses: little man, gem, and andy (ironically i’m allergic to dogs and horses, and my dad keeps buying more)

7) If you have siblings how many?:

one, my older sister

8) Favourite thing to do on a weekend:

i love doing my swim lessons and seeing all my kids!! i haven’t been able to lately bc of the weather, 

9) Best tumblr friends:

i only talk to @cheesyramynry on a daily basis, but i have a lot of blogs that i consider friendly acquaintances or casual friends as well!!

10) Favourite thing about yourself:

i value my compassion and empathy above all else; i am very much the mom friend and love to be it

11) Favourite memory:

ah i have so many; i think rn i’m gonna go with this past christmas, bc it was my last one with my grandfather

12) 3 weird habits:

swallowing gum, taking all my pills in descending size order, i tend to mimic how a singer sounds when i sing along to the song (ex: if they have a british accent, i’ll subconsciously sing in a british accent; if they stress certain syllables in certain ways, i’ll do it too)

13) What would you call your style?:

comfortable (stretchy jeans, t-shirts, hoodies) and with a few signature Gay Things (jean jacket, flannels, oversized mens’ button ups, a couple gay/bi pride shirts)

14) Odd talent:

if i have lyrics in front of me to a song i’ve never heard before, i can predict the pattern of the tunes and rhythm and sing along the first time

15) Do you have a tumblr crush?:

literally all of aroha and all of the sk fandom (y’all are the loveliest fandoms i’ve ever been a part of)

the stray kids tag

Rules: answer the questions in a new post, and tag 10 blogs you would like to get to know better.

I’ve decided that in celebration of Stray Kids pre-debut album I needed to create a tag. The ultimate goal for The Stray Kids Tag is to learn about your Tumblr mutuals, and have fun answering the Stray Kids related questions!  Here we go:

1: When did you decide to join the Stray kids fandom?

i saw a thread of information abt the suspected nine members before they were officially announced and was like ‘yes i must stan them and love them with all of my heart.’ so uh,,,,, back in august or september??

2: What is your favorite episode of Stray Kids? uhm, i’m gonna expose myself rn and let y’all know that i’ve never actually seen a full episode of the show; as soon as i heard it was gonna be a survival show, i knew that i couldn’t watch it bc my heart was too weak and i was emotionally incapable of becoming too invested while watching it; but from clips, i quite like the episode with the 3:3:3 mission, and also the last episode when all nine were reunited and told they were going to debut together

3: Who would you say is your bias in Stray kids?

my initial one was chan, and they i got rlly confused, and then slowly came to realize that it was jeongin (anything else after that is a fucking mess)

4: Who would you say is your bias wrecker in Stray kids?

literally kill me all of them bias wreck me so hard bUT hyunjin, jisung, seungmin, and chan have been wrecking me so hard in particular lately

5: What line would you want to be apart of in Stray kids? uHHH not dance line bc swimmers have 0 coordination on land; i quite like singing even tho i’m not good at, so probably that, but i can also hit all of chan’s english rap parts in 3racha songs, and keep up with lafayette’s raps in hamilton, and a lot of the english rappers i like too so uh,,, sign me up for rap line too

6: What is the first song you heard of Stray kids? hellevator

7: What is the first song you heard of 3racha? i think it was either hoodie season or runner’s high

8: What is your favorite song on their pre-debut album?

young wings or school life or yayaya (or grr or 4419 or glow or hellevator)

9: What is a concept you’d like to see Stray Kids try in the future?

i love their current optimistic and slightly rebellious teenager concept rn bc its an Eternal Mood; but i always love myself a soft boyfriend concept 

10: if you could meet with the members of Stray kids for one day what would you say to them?

how proud of them i am, and how proud of themselves they should be; i would tell them about how they’re saying things that resonate deeply for their fans and i love that they’re talking abt real world problems; i would also make sure to tell them (chan and 3racha especially) to make sure to rest more, and eat well, and take care of themselves emotionally as well as physically; and finally i’d like to tell jeongin how wonderful he is and that he’s doing so much at such a young age (lmao he’s actually eight months older than me but that’s no the point) and to never lose his cute little smile

finally done!! meri, if you actually read all of this, uh thank you????? i hope you now know everything you wanted to know abt me, and probably more than you wanted to know

i’m bad at tagging people, so if you also made it this far and haven’t done some of these tags, choose one, or a couple, or all of them and do them yourself!! just say that i tagged you!!

[fourteenacross]

I NEED TO KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT THE SHARING A BED STORY. I NEED ALL THE BACKGROUND ON THAT ALEXANDER AND lAURENS. pLEASE SHARE.

Haha, thanks, buddy! :D

I don’t plan on expanding that rn as my docket is currently ghosthunters shitty summer, fem4ham, ghosthunters fall term, ghosthunters mirrors, so here’s what was going on in my head while I was working on that.

(as a refresher, here’s the original ficlet)

So, John and Alex grew up together, at least for the bulk of their adolescence. Something something Alex came to the US as a child and ended up in South Carolina, I guess, and they met and became instantly inseparable. There were probably a lot of sleepovers contingent on whose parents were annoying them at the moment, lots of exploring and secrets and crushes and finally, maybe their sophomore year of high school, they started dating.

This John’s depression and anxiety are a little amped up from how I read him historically and how I write him in ghosthunters (…for the most part. Uh. To be continued, there.), but he’s more or less coping, sometimes much less, and Alex has made it His Job to be there constantly, whenever John needs him, to do whatever it takes to de-escalate him, an unfortunate symptom of Alex’s own issues. His problems stay kind of below his father’s and teachers’ radar because a) when he goes on an anxiety spiral, unlike every other aspect of his life, instead of lashing out in anger, he turns his pain inward and gets quiet and hurts himself (minorly. Not so much self-harm as looking down after a panic attack and realizing that he was trying so hard to be quiet that he chewed his nails down to the quick or stabbed his nails into his palms hard enough to draw blood or picked a scab open or, not infrequently, yanked his hair so hard that his scalp is red and throbbing and he tore some out) and b) John is ashamed and goes out of his way to cover it up and Alex believes that He Can Handle Everything, so he sort of facilitates that.

Anyway, they do dumb high school sweetheart shit, they go to dances, they lose their virginity, they have huge fights and tearful make-ups, they talk about the future, etc. When the time comes, they both apply to a bunch of different colleges and promise that neither of them will throw their future away for the other. If they both get into the same place, great, but if not, they can handle long distance. Alex secretly fears that John won’t be able to handle long distance, but it doesn’t matter because they both get into Columbia and Alex gets enough financial aid that he doesn’t have to worry about going into debt for the rest of his life.

And John is sure that things will get better in New York, away from his hometown and expectations and terrible memories of things in his past. Alex is, again, doubtful, but he hopes as much as well. And, tragically, Alex is the one who’s right in this case. The stress of trying so hard to leave his anxiety behind just makes him more anxious. He’s overwhelmed and depressed and doesn’t know what to do or how to be a person and eventually Alex gets a call at three o’clock in the morning and it’s John, sounding drunk, saying, “Alex, I did something stupid” and then dropping the phone. And Alex gets the pleasure of running to John’s room and making the RA unlock the door and discovering that John drank quite a bit of vodka and chased it with all of his ativan.

So John–unconscious–and Alex–hysterical–are transported to the hospital, where John’s stomach is pumped and his system is flushed and all that good stuff. Someone at the hospital calls John’s dad when Alex discovers he’s shaking too much to use the phone and, thank god, he’s listed as John’s emergency contact, so at least he gets updates from the doctors as he waits to see how John’s doing.

The long and short of it is that they have John admitted for a mandatory psych eval and, though at first he’s insistent that he’s not crazy and he should be allowed to leave, by about twenty-four hours into his seventy-two hour stay he starts to realize how messed up he’s let himself become, so he agrees to be admitted for a slightly longer stay.

It ends up being a few weeks, I think, and Alex visits him religiously,  every single chance he’s able. His dad stays in New York for the length of his admission and he starts to put his life back together and begins the search for more helpful medication and starts therapy for the first time and mostly just has a few weeks when the world stops. Which is all he’s wanted for years and years, since his mother and brother died. A few days when everything just stops and he has time to breathe and think and make decisions.

Alex comes up a lot in his therapy, obviously, and one of the things that’s been making him extra anxious is his desire to please Alex, his desperation to be good enough for him, to be someone he deserves. And no matter how many times Alex tells him he has nothing to live up to, he’s perfect the way he is, it’s something that John struggles with. So his therapist suggests that maybe he and Alex should take a little break so John can focus on being good for himself instead of being good for his boyfriend. And it is the last fucking thing that John wants to do, but it makes sense. And, in family therapy, Alex very earnestly tells John that John is his best friend and he will always be there for him, and if he needs some time to himself to get his shit together, Alex understands. Just because they’re not together doesn’t mean Alex is going anywhere.

Which kind of seals it for John. He likes the idea of being able to spend a few weeks breathing and existing without losing Alex’s emotional support. As long as he still has Alex as a friend, he’ll be okay.

And it’s just a few weeks to start, but by then the new semester is starting and John is severely behind due to his leave of absence the year before, so he needs more time to focus on that. He figures they’ll stay apart as long as it takes him to catch up on classes. But then spring semester ends and John’s got a summer class to make up a class he had to drop in the fall and Alex has a job and he doesn’t want to distract either of them. And then it’s fall and John starts to backslide, so he takes more time and then, before he knows it, it’s spring of their sophomore year and Alex is awkwardly asking him if it would be okay if he went on a couple dates with someone else.

“Just, like, messing around,” Alex says quickly. “Not–just until you’re ready. I love you. But I want you to be ready and I don’t want to rush you and–nevermind, this was stupid, I can’t believe I asked–”

“No,” John says quietly. “No, that’s…that’s a good idea. I think you should do it.”

It’s feels like the hardest and worst thing John’s ever had to do, even though he knows, objectively, that’s not true. But he doesn’t know when he’ll be ready for a relationship again and he doesn’t want Alex to wait forever. That will just brew resentment, eventually, and he wants Alex to be happy. If that means he’s gonna go out and fuck some other guy…then so be it.

Alex is simultaneously surprised, relieved, and disappointed. He didn’t expect John to give him a straight answer and certainly not immediately. And he’s interested in a guy and kind of wants to explore the world outside of his relationship with John before they settle down forever. He’s only ever been with one other person–John hasn’t been with anyone outside of Alex. But at the same time, it feels like something is ending. Part of him had hoped that John would say, You know what, let’s try being a real couple again, and that they’d pick up where they left off and everything would be okay again. And things are good now–he still has John in all the important ways, John is still his world, but there’s a part of him that misses kissing him and being kissed and touching him and the fragile intimacy of having sex with someone he loves so wholly.

But John has to move at his own pace. So Alex asks out this guy and John hates him. He pretends, for Alex’s sake, to tolerate him, but he thinks he’s vain and selfish and stupid and not nearly as hot as Alex thinks he is. He knows that most of the reason he hates him so much is because he’s kissing Alex and John isn’t, but he figures as long as he doesn’t say any of that to his or Alex’s face, he’s okay.

And after that guy, Alex has a couple more flings, guys and girls alike. And by the time they’re getting ready to graduate and John feels like he’s maybe ready to be Alex’s boyfriend again, Alex has been accepted to law school and John finds out he’s short a couple credits, so he has to take some summer classes and they’re just so busy. And Alex has this friends-with-benefits thing with their buddy Angelica and he actually seems like he’s taking it kind of seriously? And John doesn’t want to fuck that up, especially when Alex says, sheepishly, that he’s been invited to spend the summer with Angelica’s family. John tells him to go and have fun and, based on the pictures on social media, he totally does. And John is alone and bored in New York, trying not to be resentful of Alex’s summer with Angelica and her sisters, and there’s this cute guy in his building who keeps bumping into him in the halls and one night he’s drunk and lonely and they bump into each other and John let’s the guy take him back to his apartment.

And, two days later, he’s trying to figure out how to tell Alex that he slept with someone else when Alex calls him and starts the conversation with, “You can say no.”

John says, “What?”

And Alex says, “Um, I met this girl.”

And John says, “I thought you were there with Angelica and her sisters.”

And Alex says, “I am. Uh, it’s one of her sisters. You know me and Angelica were always just casual. But. I kind of like her sister.”

And John says, “Then you should ask her out.”

So Alex does and John waits a couple weeks and then casually says, “There’s this guy in my building who’s really hot.” 

And Alex pauses for just a second too long and then says, “Then you should ask him out.”

And John is a little sad, a little wistful at giving up his first love, but he figures that’s just the way it was supposed to be. He feels better about it when Alex comes home from the shore and is still everything he was before–John’s inseperable best friend, always there for him at a drop of a hat, eager to spend as much time together as they can manage. Alex was, before anything else, his best friend and as long as he has that, he thinks he’ll be okay.

Alex, meanwhile, panicked the moment he felt that first pull towards Eliza, sitting up around the bonfire with her, talking about everything, hours after Angelica and Peggy went to bed. He tells her all about John and she listens and nods and he realizes he wants to kiss her and realizes she’s not the kind of girl you kiss and few times and fuck for a couple weeks and then move on. When he calls John, he almost wants him to say no, but he doesn’t, so he goes ahead and asks her out.

“What about John?” she asks.

“I talked to him,” Alex admits. “And he told me to ask you out.”

“I’m not going to be a distraction while you’re waiting for him to want you again,” she warns him. “If we’re together, you’re with me. You’re not biding your time.”

“I know,” Alex says. “And I love him more than anything. And I always will. But I get to have a life too. And at this point, I don’t think we’ll ever be on the same page, so I might as well go out and make one.”

When he hears about Francis a couple weeks later, his heart freezes in his chest. He feels like he wants to throw up, which is selfish–he has Eliza, now, he doesn’t get to have a say in who John fucks. And maybe it’s just fucking. Maybe they’re not even going to date. So he sucks it up, only a second or two too long for polite conversation, and tells John to ask him out.

He drinks a lot that night and Eliza doesn’t ask why, but she does hold his hair back when he pukes the next morning and hold onto him while he cries.

And after that, life just…goes on. Alex gets caught up in law school. John gets a job as a freelance illustrator as he tries to figure out what he wants to do with his life. Alex and Eliza stay together, then break up for a few months after Alex cheats on her (and John never has to know about how she shouted, I always knew you’d do this, but I just assumed it would be John you fucked! in a moment of petty weakness that Eliza is too ashamed to mention again and Alex is too guilty to mention again, because he thinks if John asked, he would have), and then get back together. John breaks up with Francis and dates a few other guys, a couple he even thinks he might be able to love one day. John starts his own photography business and manages to do pretty well for himself. Alex graduates law school and accepts a position at his mentor’s law firm. John and Francis get back together. Alex gets offered substantially more money to move out to Philly and work in the office out there. Eliza moves with him and John’s a little surprised they haven’t gotten engaged yet, but doesn’t like to think about it too hard, though he doesn’t examine why. After six months, Eliza gets offered a job in California and, after a long conversation with Alex, decides to take it, even though Alex won’t leave his job to come with her. A few weeks after that, Francis and John have one last shouting match that ends with Francis shoving all of his stuff in John’s apartment into a garbage bag and storming out.

And then, about a month later, after the holidays, Alex calls John at two in the morning and says, I think I made as mistake.

And then, here we are.

[teamsteffy2point0]

#dontcomeforme

Hey Team, feels like it’s gonna be one of those weeks for me. I have given more “sideeye” stares of the late then I probably did for the whole year last year. Definitely feeling TESTED. But I do feel that it’s the “air” in which I am in, so I planned to breathe more slowly and seek calmer spaces.

Are you feeling a little “off” or being pushed out of your zone? Well maybe this Weekly Horoscope can be sort of a guide for you this week...for those who care to indulge for some answers within the stars. lol

Horoscopes Written by Jessica Lanyadoo

WITCH TIPS:

Just when you thought things were ready to calm down: supriiiiise, they’re not! This week there’s a New Moon in heady Aquarius. New Moons are usually a wonderful time to open up to possibility and mark the start of a new cycle. This one, not so much. Tenderhearted Venus will take a swift kick in the gut from hardheaded Saturn, and it’s likely to make for some defensive and sad feels all around. This is a great time to get clear about what you are and what you ain’t, because gurl, if you’ve been letting someone else define you, it’s gonna hurt. By the time Mercury catches up with Pluto on the 28th, you’ll have plenty to obsess over, but whatever you do, don’t pick fights. The energy from the 27th-1st is going to be too wild to tame, so investigate, gestate, and meditate for best results. Ask yourself if the reason you’re pressing for answers is because you want to avoid the stress of sitting with things as they are rn or if you actually think you can change things up. When in doubt, wait 72hrs before saying your piece because this week, motive means everything. Keep yours squeaky clean, bbs.

ARIES

March 21-April 19

There’s no value in trying to push past obstacles this week, Aries. Allowing yourself to react on impulse is going to make you feel all kinds of ways, but none of them will be terribly comfortable. The forces in motion in your life are powerful, and the best approach is to cultivate a big-picture plan. Getting caught up in the details will be satisfying, like picking off a scab, but it won’t help you to heal. Pace yourself, and when you can’t do that, at least don’t let your fears guide you.

TAURUS

April 20-May 20

This week’s New Moon is a solid time to up your professional game, Taurus. Carve out time to do the things that require either concentration or innovation, whichever feels more important for the tasks at hand. If you follow through with your goals, you can make meaningful headway that will breathe fresh life into your projects, so don’t waste this opportunity. If you are suffering from the doldrums, don’t worry about it too much; let work serve as a distraction for a few days, and your heartaches should ease.

GEMINI

May 21-June 21

It’s easy to connect with people when your role is clear but what about in emotionally intimate situations or when you don’t know if the other person likes you? This is when you have a tendency to escape into the fun house of your head and stop actually connecting. Closeness and connection happen when you show up, Twin Star. The only way to get intimate this week is by stomaching the discomfort of the unknown. There’s nothing to figure out; just show up.

CANCER

June 22-July 22

This week may bring up some seriously obsessive thoughts and the bad vibes that come up with them. The truth is complicated and messy, but it’s still true. Don’t act like you are blameless when you know you had a role to play in your broken situations. Be humble and own your part, even if the other person is more wrong. There’s a serious risk of confrontation, especially later in the week, so be prepared to show up instead of just defend your position, Moonchild.

LEO

July 23-Aug. 22

What do you want for yourself, Leo? Do you want to be at the job you have? Do you want to keep spending time with your same group of people? You have choice, even though it’s easy to fall into a lifestyle that perpetuates itself. Use this New Moon energy to get clear about what partnerships and collaborations you’re aligning yourself with. If you don’t like your options, it’s time to seek out new ones. You can’t get what you want if you don’t make a beeline for it.

VIRGO

Aug. 23-Sept. 22

Love is so complicated; you think that things are going one way, and then people go and do something that take them in a whole different direction. The problem is that relationships involve people – pesky, unpredictable, nonsensical humans. Gah! They go left when you think they ought to go right, and it’s a huge mess. So let it be, Virgo. Accept what others are showing you of themselves because that’s the truth. If you can’t accept the truth, that might mean you’re the nonsensical one. It’s time to get real, my love.

LIBRA

Sept. 23-Oct. 22

It’s hard to be direct about what you’re feeling all the time; sometimes you don’t know for sure what’s going on inside of you (indecision), and other times it feels too risky to rock the boat. This week brings with it some choppy waters, and trying avoid that will be ill-fated. Confront the uncomfortable, Libra. Go for authenticity over accommodation. When it’s tempting to be fake, you always have a choice to placate or show up. Choose wisely.

SCORPIO

Oct. 23-Nov. 21

When you're in a state of anxiety, you can’t hear the voice of your inner wisdom over all that mind chatter. Your top priority this week should be to get some calm. You’re unable to see all of your choices from a panicked place, so bring it down a notch, Scorpio. For support, lean on the people and resources that you have access to. How you take care of yourself is an important part of your long-term wellness; commit to the highest quality of life that you can create this week.

SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 22-Dec. 21

You don’t need to convince anyone else of your perspective in order to substantiate it. It may feel that if you explain it correctly, people will have to see it your way and agree with you, but it’s not so, ‘Tarius. Your feels and perspective are valid because they’re yours – not because they’re ‘right’. Don’t get into power struggles as a result of not being able to accept the very real differences between yourself and others, no matter how tempting you may find it this week.

CAPRICORN

Dec. 22-Jan. 19

You are likely too find yourself preoccupied by intense thoughts and ghosts from your past. The worst things you can do is to either indulge obsessive thinking or pretend it isn’t happening at all. Try and understand what’s going on for your heart underneath all that stressing, Cappy. It’s possible that someone will come your way with a truckload of drama, and there’s not much you can do about that beyond how you respond. Be the bigger person this week.

AQUARIUS

Jan. 20-Feb. 18

It’s super vulnerable to not know where you’re at. This week you’re likely to feel all over the place and long for a clearer sense of purpose. Instead of forcing an answer that you just don’t have, be open to seeing new sides of your problems. The New Moon in your sign on the 27th may shed light on stuff, but it’s not likely to be a spotlight. Allow space for your instincts to fill in the blanks by creating downtime to retrospect in, Aquarius.

PISCES

Feb. 19-March 20

It’s not mean to say no to someone, Pisces. You’re going through a crash course in boundaries, and you need to experiment with what your limits are and how to express them. Through this process you may step on toes or cross your boundaries, but don’t worry – it’s OK to make mistakes! If you allow your fear of being wrong to stop you from finding new and better ways to be right, you’re limiting yourself unnecessarily. Be brave in the name of self-love.

http://www.thehoodwitch.com/blog/2017/1/24/the-hoodwitch-weekly-horoscopes-125-31-2017