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artificialqueens · 5 years

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Another Soulmate (Raja x Raven) - Chardonnay

A/N: Got a request from one of my lovely followers for a more angsty fic involving old feelings being looked back on. This isn’t set in present day (in order to be respectful to all current partners of the queens) so I’ve set it a little while back, maybe 5 or 6 years ago. Its definitely much sadder than anything else that I have written, but I really enjoyed trying something a little bit different. Enjoy! (disclaimer: quote at the beginning is not mine)

“It’s painful, loving someone from afar. Watching them – from the outside. The once familiar elements of their life reduced to nothing more than occasional mentions in conversations and faces changing in photographs.

They exist to you now as nothing more than living proof that something can still hurt you…with no contact at all.”

Another warm July night in West Hollywood and the latest Monday night showgirls performance at Micky’s had just come to a close. The air was sticky and humid in the club, but that never stopped the gays from partying until the early hours of the morning. The atmosphere was extra lively tonight. The entire line-up of girls were some of WeHo’s best local queens, and the show was exactly what you would expect of a classic California gig. Raven had been out of town for the last couple of weeks, but tonight she was back in all her hosting glory along with her sisters Morgan and Mayhem. Sonique, Mariah and Raja rounded out the rest of the line-up and between the 6 of them, the club was already a crazy party. The drinks were flowing and the crowd was hyped, including the queens themselves now all out of drag and ready to get completely fucked up. A few other local girls had shown up to watch and Sutan invited everyone back to his apartment later for more drinks as a very belated birthday celebration (it was over a month late but this was the first time everyone was together and back in town to celebrate).

The queens downed shots, drinking and dancing the night away. Sutan was so glad to finally be with some of his closest friends again, with the show becoming more and more popular the girls were constantly on different schedules, touring around America and even occasionally travelling to places like Europe and Brazil for international shows. He was living his dream as a famous drag superstar, supermodel of the world, but sometimes he really longed for the familiarity of his friends and his hometown where he could really let loose and be surrounded by people he cared about. He was having a blast tonight, drinking and laughing with people he hadn’t seen in months. Sharon and Manila had come by out of drag to join the party and he always had a great time with Morgan and Mariah as well. However he was most excited to see Raven again, they had been on opposite schedules for the last little while and for some reason he hadn’t seen David out partying as much as he used to, probably something to do with this new guy he’d been seeing for however long. David was one of those people who always liked to have someone in his life, but as with many drag queen relationships, it never lasted much longer than a few months with all the crazy travelling. This time seemed different though. Now he was staying in more, not getting super wasted like they used to, and he hardly ever came to LA for anything other than work. Sutan missed his friend so much, and he couldn’t deny that there was a tinge of jealousy mixed into his emotions as he thought about all of the fun times they used to have together when they were both single and free. Its partially why he waited so long to have this little get together, he wanted to be sure David was back in California so they could party together again like they did only a year ago.

Sutan had been casually looking for him all night, not wanting to seem to obvious and desperate but also hoping that he could manage to find David and get him drunk enough that he’d actually live a little and have fun again. Despite Sutan’s efforts, there had been no sign of him all night. He was beginning to think David was avoiding him on purpose, at his own extremely-belated birthday party. The nerve! After almost an hour and a half of discreet searching, Sutan finally found him standing at the bar with Mariah, the two of them chatting and laughing over a drink. Sutan excused himself from his current conversation and made a beeline for them before he lost David in the crowd again. Mariah saw him first, smiling and giving him a wave as he approached. David turned around to see who was behind him, and couldn’t stop the warm, enthusiastic grin that spread across his face at the sight of his friend. He felt a little bad that he had been consciously avoiding Sutan tonight, but they hadn’t really seen each other much since David had started seeing his current boyfriend and he knew how Sutan could be sometimes when they were drinking together: overtly touchy and even more openly sexual than usual. Combined with his own lack of self-control and poor judgement when he’d had too much liquor, it was a recipe for disaster and David wanted to avoid any possible incidents. But despite all his worries, he’d also missed Sutan terribly over the last 6 months. He always had this calming yet slightly intimidating effect on David that was both comforting and daunting at the same time.

“Hey guys!” Sutan smiled over his drink as he approached. “Rave, I haven’t seen you all night. I’ve been looking for you, where have you been? And please don’t tell me you’ve been here the whole time sipping this same drink…”

“No, for your information I’ve had a couple of drinks actually.”

Sutan rolled his eyes. “Oh my god you can’t be serious. Everyone is out there taking shots and getting shitfaced and you’re just standing around talking. Why are you being boring?”

“I’m not being boring!”

“Yes you are. Mariah, isn’t he being boring here by himself?”

Mariah gave an apologetic look. “You’re being kinda boring girl.”

“See!” Sutan argued as David looked insulted. “What happened to fun Raven that used to get hammered with me every weekend? I miss that Raven.”

“What do you mean? I still like to party and have fun!”

“Does this have to do with that guy you’re seeing?” Sutan crossed his arms. “I don’t like that he’s making you all blah and boring.”

“No, it’s not that. I like to drink and get crazy sometimes, I just don’t fuck every guy at the bar that I see.”

“Ugh, see boring.” Sutan scoffed. “No one is saying you have to sex with anybody Rave, even if it is my birthday…” he gave David an expectant and flirty look.

“You know it’s not actually your birthday right?”

“Whatever, it’s still my party and I say you’re not allowed to be a drag.” He reached for David’s hand. “Come get drunk with me!”

“Raj, I really don’t think-“

“David!”

Sutan’s grip tightened slightly as he gave David a look that said he was not interested in hearing any more of this conversation, generally only using his boy-name in very serious situations. The look in his eyes sent a cold shock up David’s spine, reminding him of past encounters that often began with pain but ended in immeasurable pleasure. It was the exact feeling he was hoping to avoid tonight, but he knew there was no arguing with Sutan when he really wanted something.

“Okay fine.” David gave him a slightly defeated smile. “But please anything but-“

“Three shots of whisky please!” Sutan shouted at the bartender. David let out an exasperated sigh, exhausted by his failed attempt to evade Sutan’s plan, but still he couldn’t help but smile at Sutan’s little shrug and the smug satisfaction on his face at getting his way once again.

…………………………………………………………………………………….

The remainder of their night at the bar was spent the same way, full of shots and poppers and weed and all of Sutan’s favorite things, everything getting consistently blurrier as the evening progressed. He stubbornly tried not to admit it, but David was actually having a really good time. He hadn’t let loose like this in a long while, and even though he had noticed Sutan being a bit overly touchy while they were dancing, for the most part they had both been able to behave themselves around one another. By 1am the crowd of queens and some of Sutan’s other friends were getting ready to move on to their next location, hoping to keep the party alive into the early hours of the morning. As everyone was busy scrambling to make travel arrangements, figuring out who was riding in which cab or if it was worth it to just walk the moderate distance, Sutan spotted the back of David’s head drunkenly floating amongst the mass of people still dancing. He ran over and instinctively grabbed onto David’s hand to turn him around.

“Hey, you coming back to my apartment?”

David stopped and tilted his head in confusion, feeling his stomach drop at Sutan’s casual invitation.

“With everyone else! We’re all heading back there to party some more. You’re coming right?”

David let out a breath of relief and felt the nerves dissipate. “I don’t know Su, I’m kinda tired maybe I should just-“

Sutan was already shaking his head. “No, you’re coming. Let’s go, we can ride in the cab together.”

He wasn’t letting David out of his sight. Sutan needed to ensure he got back to his apartment and didn’t predictably sneak home early. He took David’s hand so they didn’t lose one another while they weaved through the crowd towards the front entrance, David following behind and drunkenly smiling as they walked. Sutan was so insistence that he be in attendance for the entirety of this get-together. He was always thinking of David, ensuring that his inner 70-year-old woman didn’t completely take over his life. He was a good friend and David was happy that he could still manage to keep Sutan in his life despite their past together. He worried at first that things might be too awkward between them or that the sexual tension would inevitably become too much too handle, but tonight was proving that their friendship was stronger than all of that. Sutan was making an effort to ensure David was still an important part of his life, and he needed to reciprocate and make certain their friendship would never fade. Sutan seemed determined to show David a fun time tonight, so he willingly went along to Sutan’s apartment to make him happy. It was his birthday party after all.

They rode back to Sutan’s place in a cab with two of his other friends that David didn’t really know. Everyone was drunkenly slurring and shouting and messing with the poor driver’s radio trying to find a song to keep them in the partying mood. David was uncharacteristically quiet for most of the ride, laughing occasionally but mostly thinking about all the different cab rides he’d taken back to Raja’s apartment before. Most of them were filled with the excitement and anticipation of intimacy, but this time of course was much different. David was trying to remember what it felt like to just be Sutan’s friend, before they were anything more than that. It seemed like an eternity ago rather than just a few years, but so much had happened between them in such a short time. Sutan’s hand softly squeezing his knee startled David back down to earth, the slight contact combined with his previous thoughts made his nervous butterflies start up again, the alcohol heightening every small touch.

“Are you okay?”

David looked at him and tried to remain casual, not wanting to expose any of the uneasy thoughts that were currently racing through his inebriated brain.

“Yeah, I’m good.”

“Okay” Sutan gave him a soft smile, his hand still notably touching David’s leg “I’m happy you came tonight Rave.”

“Well I didn’t exactly have much of a choice, did I?” David teased back, clearly poking fun at his previous persistence.

“I mean you didn’t have to come. It’s not like I dragged you here.”

David gave him a look that you’d give a small child who just told the most outrageous story “Bitch you literally took my hand and pulled me all the way out of Micky’s!”

“Ugh shut up you’re so overdramatic” Sutan rolled his eyes and smiled “You followed more than willingly”

David just smiled back in response, knowing Sutan was right but wanting to admit it out loud.

“I just really wanted you to be here tonight cause it’s been a long time since we’ve hung out. I missed you so much while I was gone and travelling” Sutan slipped his arm to intertwine with David’s, leaning on his head and continuing quietly “I always think about you when I’m away for a long time, we have so much fun together.”

David stayed still but closed his eyes, appreciating the contact between them after being apart for 6 months but also trying not to enjoy it too much. “You are really drunk.”

Sutan laughed softly and closed his eyes too, silently agreeing before letting David go and joining in to the other loud, drunken conversations happening.

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

Sutan’s apartment was packed with people, or at least it felt packed with the small amount of floor space he had. His entire kitchen and living room area was filled with queens and porn stars and practically half of west Hollywood enjoying more alcohol and other illegal substances being discretely used in the bathroom. There were people crowded in the living area, pushing back furniture to create space for a makeshift dancefloor, bopping and vogueing and throwing themselves about like drunk fools. David stood in the kitchen where he and a whole group of queens were gathered around the small island. He stood between Morgan and Manila, sipping his drink and watching Sharon explain this drinking game to Sutan who was trying very hard to concentrate despite already being extremely intoxicated. David watched Sutan’s eyes trying to follow along with the cards in Sharon’s hands while simultaneously listening to the words being said. He swore he could actually see the wheels in Sutan’s brain turning as he tried to understand, but David knew for a fact that as soon as Sharon would finish explaining, absolutely nothing will have sunken in to Sutan’s head. Just as David had suspected, the 2 queens played a few trial rounds of the game and Sutan was terrible, putting cards in the wrong place and drinking when he wasn’t supposed to. David snickered behind his drink at Sutan’s very obviously drunken ineptitude.

“This is too fuckin complicated, lets just play something else.” Sutan complained with a slight slur, throwing up his hands in frustration. He hated not getting things and he was far too drunk to understand these rules.

“Who isn’t drunk enough yet?” he looked around the small group of queens in the kitchen. “Rave! Come ride the bus and finish your drink!”

David gave an exasperated look, he was already buzzed and was not planning on taking it any further tonight, but he should’ve known as soon as Sutan insisted David come back to the apartment, he had a plan to get David completely shitfaced.

“Make every 5th one a shot!” Morgan shouted from beside him. David gave him a warning look.

“Yes!” Raja wore a huge grin “Let’s do it, Raven get over here.”

David laughed as he shook his head and reluctantly walked around the island, Sharon and Morgan clapping and hollering in excitement. He looked at Sutan right in the eyes. “You are not feeding me that many shots.”

“Oh you bet your ass I am. You want whisky or tequila?”

David played along through the entire deck of cards, getting progressively more drunk as the game progressed. He was always so terrible at this game for some reason, even with a 50% chance of guessing whether the next card was red or black, David always somehow managed to get it wrong. He had taken 6 shots of whisky by the end of it all, Sutan watching with a gleeful smile on his face each time, and he could already feel the room spinning as he finished and stumbled away from the kitchen island.

David spent the better part of the next hour mingling with queens and meeting new people. He always felt so much more relaxed and comfortable under the influence of alcohol and weed. Despite his somewhat bitchy demeanor in drag, David was surprisingly a very shy person and often found long periods of social interaction exhausting. However when he was out and partying and the liquor was flowing through his bloodstream, everything just seemed easier. Tonight David felt like he could do anything. He was happy and drunk and being uncharacteristically social, moving from group to group with his friends by his side, introducing himself to strangers and chatting with queens she hardly ever got to see anymore. While he was floating around the apartment David also couldn’t help but notice Sutan hanging very close by wherever he went, that familiar feeling of his eyes subconsciously watching every move. Eventually David found his way into the living room, drunkenly singing and dancing with Morgan and Mariah to an old Madonna song. About halfway through he suddenly felt a pair of arms wrap around his centre and a cheek pressing to his from behind.

“Hey.” He heard Sutan’s voice low by his ear. “You having a good time tonight?”

David smiled and closed his eyes, instinctively leaning into Sutan’s face in a drunken bliss. “I am actually, I’m happy you made me come tonight.”

“Well I mean I haven’t yet, but if you wanted me to I could…”

“Ugh gross.” David laughed and tried to squirm away from Sutan’s grasp.

“I’m kidding! Oh my god I’m kidding.” Sutan quickly raised his hands in mock innocence, releasing David from his hug.

David turned around to face Sutan, still smiling and shaking his head. “You are so disgusting.”

Sutan just giggled and shrugged his shoulders in that adorably impish way he sometimes acted when he was intoxicated, but still the two of them continued to dance, holding hands and twirling each other around in a silly, friendly way. Morgan and Mariah joined back in and the four of them pranced and performed around the living room to the next few songs as if they were back performing at Micky’s, eventually making their way outside together for a cigarette.

As the night continued into the soft hours of the morning, the party was winding down and people began making plans to either find their way home or find the next live spot for those who never wanted the party to end. Sutan didn’t have much space for people to stay, so other than the partygoers who were already drunkenly passed out on various pieces of furniture, most people made arrangements to share cabs and stay at friend’s houses. Morgan and Raven being here all the way from Riverside didn’t have much choice other than to stay there at the apartment, so they started to help clean up as the crowd became more and more scarce. Both queens were still drunk themselves trying to pick up empty cups and cans and throw them into a big garbage bag, occasionally dropping and spilling more liquid in their clumsy, inebriated state. At one-point Morgan decided to turn it into a game and tried to throw garbage across the kitchen and see if he could make it into the bag David was holding. After Sutan saw the last few people off he walked back into the apartment and stood confused at the scene in front of him, Morgan and Raven laughing and throwing empty beer cans at each other.

“What the fuck are you guys doing?”

Both queens froze and turned towards Sutan, caught in the act. They stared at him for a second before dissolving into a fit of hysterical laughter.

“We’re cleaning up!” David said as if it was the most obvious answer in the world.

“Yeah, stop being so unappreciative.”

“Unappreciative? The kitchen looks worse now than it did before!” Morgan gave David a mocking face that made him laugh before Sutan continued. “Just leave it alone, I’ll deal with it in the morning. Let’s just go to bed.”

“Sweet. I call the couch.” Morgan dropped what he was holding onto and dashed into the living room, claiming the last spot not taken up by someone too drunk to move.

David looked around the rest of the apartment. “Well fuck, where am I supposed to sleep then?”

Sutan made his way towards him, taking the trash bag and throwing a few discarded cans in. “Just come sleep with me, my bed’s big enough.”

David hesitated for a moment before joining in and picking up garbage from the floor, uneasy at Sutan’s suggestion. He may have been drunk but he still had at least a basic level of self-awareness. “Uh, I don’t know if that’s really a good idea Su…”

“Oh relax, I’m not gonna try anything. We’re just sleeping.”

“Yeah, right” they heard Morgan shout from the next room.

“Shut up whore!” Sutan shouted back. David laughed, always amused by their constant bickering. “Seriously though,” Sutan looked back at him and continued softly “it’s fine. Plus there is literally nowhere else to sleep right now. I’ll take the floor if you really want me to.”

“No, it’s okay.” David was too wasted and tired to argue and ended up just following Sutan into his bedroom. Similar to the cab ride home, he felt an initial sense of confusion and uneasiness at the memories he had of stumbling into Sutan’s bedroom, discarding clothes and falling into his plush comforter on many other drunken nights that were so different to where they were now. All of these thoughts combined with the spinning in his head forced David to sit delicately on the edge of the bed.

“Are you okay?” Sutan had come back from the bathroom and saw David perched on his bed, staring at the wall in front of him.

“Hm?” David forced himself to look up at Sutan. “Yeah I’m fine.”

“Are you sure? You look like you’re gonna be sick. You better not puke in my bed bitch.”

“I won’t! I’m fine, I promise.”

Sutan looked skeptical. “Okay…I’m gonna smoke a blunt, you want some? You look like you really need to chill out.”

David rolled his eyes but of course agreed, never turning down a smoke. Sutan gave him a pair of boxers to change into while he rolled a quick joint, and when David got back from the bathroom Sutan was already laying on the far side of the bed with the blunt in his mouth, getting ready to light it. He motioned for David to come over and lay beside him, which he tentatively did, feeling a bit more relaxed now that he didn’t feel that sexual tension in the air. David crawled up into the bed opposite Sutan, leaning on one elbow to face him and waiting patiently for his turn. Sutan always had good shit to smoke, and he wasn’t wrong that David could use something to calm his racing mind right now.

As they passed the blunt between them, taking a couple puffs each time, of course Sutan couldn’t help himself from gossiping about all the things that had gone on that night. It was one of the craziest they’d seen in recent memory with so many people in one spot together, and of course when you have that many drag queens in a room there is bound to be drama. David filled Sutan in on everything he’d missed while playing host, both of them laying down and casually chatting and giggling together until they’d finished their joint. By now David was feeling totally relaxed, the mix of weed and alcohol had released his inhibitions completely and he felt much better as he snuggled deep under the covers. Even still, he couldn’t ignore the discernable wave of butterflies in his stomach when Sutan leaned over him to turn off his bedside lamp. Though both men knew there were no sexual intensions in the bed that night, David could still never deny his own personal attraction towards Sutan, and he finally realized that this feeling would probably never go away for either of them. They would just have to learn how best to deal with it. David usually tried to simply ignore his feelings and wait for the moment to pass, not wanting anything between them to become even more evident and palpable. Sutan however clearly preferred to lean into it and instead would make very obvious sexual jokes, almost intentionally trying to make David even more uncomfortable. Luckily this time he let the moment pass and leaned back down to bury himself under the blanket as well.

For a few minutes there was only silence, both not used to having this strange amount of distance between them when sharing a bed, neither knowing whether to simply pretend to sleep until it actually happened or say something. After a while David heard Sutan’s voice whispering in the dark.

“Rave. Hey Rave are you still awake?”

“Yeah” he whispered back.

“Me too. I can’t sleep.”

“I know, every time I close my eyes the room starts to spin.”

“Yeah…” Sutan paused “and I keep thinking about stuff.”

“What kinda stuff?”

“I don’t know, all kinds of stuff. I’m really fucking drunk, my minds going crazy.”

David laughed to himself, drunk Sutan was always fun, especially when he was drunk too.

“Yeah, me too.”

“Actually, y’know what I was thinking about?”

“What?”

“That you’ve never introduced me to your boyfriend who you’ve apparently been seeing for almost 6 months!” Sutan accused “Why have I never met him?”

“Uh, I don’t know because you weren’t really home much for the last little while, and I didn’t really think you’d want to meet him that badly?”

“What? Why wouldn’t I?

“I don’t know. Why do you want to?”

“Because we’re friends and that’s what friends do. You introduce them to your boyfriends so that they can make sure that they aren’t…..bad.”

“Why would I be dating someone that’s a bad person?”

“I don’t know! But sometimes people make mistakes about who they date, believe me I know. But their friends are the ones that have to look out for them.”

“Okay. You can meet him I guess…” David wasn’t sure exactly where this conversation was going. He could tell that Sutan was really wasted and just rambling, but this was relatively new territory for them, usually when they were both drunk and alone there wasn’t much talking going on. After a few more moments of silence and thoughts racing through his brain, Sutan continued.

“I shouldn’t have gone on that last BOTS tour.”

“What do you mean? Didn’t you have a good time?”

“Oh no, yeah I had a great time!” Sutan paused, thinking of the memories. “But I dunno, I kinda also really missed you here.”

“Really?”

“Well, yeah. I thought about you a lot. I wish I thought about you more actually.”

“What? What are talking about?” David was having a difficult time following Sutan’s drunken babbling, too fucked up himself to let the words sink in properly.

“I was stupid leaving for months to go on this tour” Sutan whispered “I was stupid because I just wanted to travel around and fuck random people all over the world, and meanwhile I left you here and now you’ve gone away from me.”

David was quiet for a moment, slowly trying to process what Sutan was saying. “What are you talking about? I’m right here.”

“Yeah but you’re all the way over there,” using the physical distance between them to explain, “not like you used to be so close. I missed you and I missed my change because I wanted to sleep around.”

“So are you angry at yourself or angry at me here?”

“Myself obviously! Its not your fault you found a boyfriend.”

David couldn’t believe the words he was hearing come out of Sutan’s mouth right now, words he’d always dreamed about but never in a million years thought he’d hear out loud. Sutan had always seemed like the type to want to evade any and all romantic feelings, and now here he was confessing something David yearned for years before. But somehow it confused and hurt him now even more because David knew that Sutan was only expressing these feelings due to the amount of alcohol he had consumed.

“Raja, I thought you made it very clear that anything we had was casual? That you didn’t want to involve any serious feelings and we could fuck around however we liked.”

“Well obviously that’s what I wanted at first, and I tried to keep it like that but it got a bit fuzzy sometimes. C’mon you can’t tell me you never felt anything too.”

David felt his heartbeat quicken, the nerves returning with Sutan’s uncharacteristic confession. “Su, I don’t think this is a good time to talk about this. You’re really drunk-“

“Which is exactly why I’m talking about it!” he snapped back. “Am I just supposed to ignore this feeling forever and keep it to myself and never tell you?”

David stayed silent for a couple moments, tears welling up in his eyes as he tried to figure out what to say. Eventually he took a deep breath and reached his hand across the bed, taking Sutan’s under the blanket and speaking softly.

“You shouldn’t keep your feeling to yourself, and I’m happy you told me instead of letting it eat away at you. And to answer your question, yes I did feel things for you as well, but I honestly never had any idea that you felt the same way. You always seemed like such a free spirit and wanted to keep things casual so I pretended I did too. Eventually I just had to try to turn off those feelings so I wouldn’t get my heart broken.”

Sutan sat completely silent, listening to David tell him exactly what he already knew, that he was the only thing standing in his own way. But at the same time he also couldn’t deny his true nature.

“But I needed more than that Sutan.” David continued. “I can’t just be somebody’s semi-regular casual friends-with benefits forever. I want more.”

“I want more too!”

“Do you? Su come on, you fucking love hooking up with anyone you can in whatever city you are performing in. I know this because you’ve told me, and I can see the excitement in your eyes when you talk about it. You can try to pretend all you want, but I don’t think you’re ready to settle down yet” he paused, “and there’s nothing wrong with that! You and I are just 2 different kinds of people.”

Sutan laid beside David, running his thumb over their conjoined fingers as he heard David speak the truth that he had known already but couldn’t admit. Forever a Gemini at heart, he wanted 2 very different things that unfortunately could not co-exist with each other. On one hand Sutan knew that he was a free spirit and having that freedom in his life was so important, but on the other he was just now starting to realize his more serious feelings for David, sadly after it seemed to be too late.

“Tell you what,” David went on, trying to feign a happier tone. “I’ll introduce you to my boyfriend later this week. Then you can meet him yourself and see that he’s actually a really nice guy, I think you’ll really like him.”

“Yeah, okay.” Sutan couldn’t keep the heartache out of his voice.

“I’m really happy now Su, I want you to be happy too.”

“I know, I’m happy for you.”

“And y’know one day when the time is right and you’re ready, you’re gonna find someone who is absolutely perfect for you, and none of this will even be important. I know it will happen for you eventually.”

Sutan disappointingly nodded his head, only one thought echoing in his mind. “What if I already did meet someone perfect for me? And I let them slip away.”

David smiled sadly and gave Sutan’s hand a squeeze, bringing it up out of the covers to press a kiss to their conjoined fingers. Tears spilled out of his eyes that were lost in the darkness between them.

“Now turn off your brain and go to sleep, no more drunk heart to hearts tonight.” David tried to mask his own sadness with light-hearted teasing. “You probably won’t even remember this conversation tomorrow anyways.”

Sutan silently let go of David’s hand, knowing that there were no words left to say. In his intoxicated state he had shared every emotion that had been racing through his mind that night, and he knew that unfortunately he would remember all of this conversation tomorrow. That he would be reminded as soon as he wakes up to David all the way across the other side of the bed that he lost his only opportunity to be happy with someone who knew him better than almost anyone else. He would be forced to remember it tomorrow, for the next year and eventually for the rest of his life.

#rpdr fanfiction #raja gemini #raven #raja x raven #hurt/comfort #Chardonnay #canon compliant

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ouraidengray4 · 8 years

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I Took "Walk It Off" Literally, and 5,000 Miles Later, I Feel Better

In the summer of 2012, I stood at the foot of the Pyrenees, about to embark on a 500-mile Christian pilgrimage. Up until that moment, it would have been hard to convince me that the "I" in that sentence was actually referring to me, Masha. As a child in the USSR, where religion was practically outlawed and never discussed, I grew up with zero spiritual education, Christian or otherwise. I have never been someone you might call athletic, in either body or in spirit, and I always found the outdoors scary; I have a wild snake phobia that has often sent me shrieking at the sight of an extension cord in my own apartment. I’ve always liked light pollution and pavement, and up until I started the Camino de Santiago, I’d never carried a hiking pack for a minute, let alone for an entire month.

I have spent most of my adult life trying to satisfy an insatiable thirst for contentment. I looked at other people and wanted so badly to be like them, to feel at ease in the world, as they seemed to be. When I met people who oozed happiness—you know the types—I tried to be like them by being exactly like them. So when I met an admirable woman who loved 17th century English drama, I forced myself to swallow plays drier than torched steak, with a flavor I found just as palatable. After being introduced to an especially magnetic lover of Cubism, I went to Picasso exhibits and tried to feel anything other than sleepy. I became involved in everything from Japanese art films to SoulCycle, but the former just left me confused and the latter made me unable to walk normally for a full week.

My life fell into place around me, although the pieces never quite matched up. I married someone I loved despite enormous differences in the vision we had for our lives. I freelanced at a glossy fashion magazine, though I showed up more than once wearing one brown and one black boot—not as a fashion statement. And for the most part, I was happy; I had great friends, a family, and dinner plans on the weekend.

Still, even though it was all my own making, my life didn’t quite feel like mine, and I suffered from depression and panic attacks. I felt guilty. I had everything—I lived in New York City! With a view of the Hudson River! What was wrong with me? Why did my life, a life that should feel like a luxurious cashmere wrap, feel like an itchy polyester sweater instead?

Five steps into the pilgrimage, I knew that I had stumbled onto the right path, literally.

I had always had this nagging feeling I was supposed to be somewhere else. I’d look out my window and feel that miles away, my real life was unfolding, with or without me. And then, through a series of perfectly synchronistic events that felt a little like divine intervention, I found myself on the Camino de Santiago, an ancient walking pilgrimage route in Spain. In the span of a few weeks, I’d met two people who had just walked the Camino and raved about the experience, my job was flexible enough that I could take a month’s leave, and I had just gotten paid for a project that had fallen into my lap after a chance encounter at a party. For the first time in my life, I had a chunk of money that didn’t need to go to rent. The trail in Spain was on my mind, igniting a longing for elsewhere that I had been pushing away for so long. Before I’d ever worn a pair of hiking boots, I booked a plane ticket.

Five steps into the pilgrimage, I knew that I had stumbled onto the right path, literally. My life felt enormous, expansive. I couldn’t get enough of watching the sun rise from behind smoky mountain silhouettes, and I loved the weight of my pack, grounding me and letting me feel my own strength. Positivity came pouring out of me. I fell in love with nature and didn’t even spend that much time looking out for snakes. By the time I reached the end point of the pilgrimage in Santiago de Compostela, I was certain I had found my cashmere sweater, even though it looked suspiciously like a pair of sweaty hiking pants.