#the place was soooo expensive but i deserve to treat myself!

[cheekblush]

finished my last written final today 🥳💃🏻🎉👯🏼‍♀️🍾

[what-a-messsss]

1x10 rewatch

Ok, let’s get back to Walt Longmire: Disaster Boi of S1 and finish this season off with a...something.  Pleading look to the heavens, maybe?  

How do I keep forgetting that Lizzie is a thing, even after our decision to find her some nice Smitten Cowboy to be with?  Holy hell, but why are you still keeping your dead wife’s ashes in the kitchen?  At least you kept Lucian in your fucking truck.  In a coffee can.  What is with you and breakfast beverages??  We all know you need lots of therapy, but this seems like a kind of niche issue.

“Trust me, you don’t, uh, you don’t want that tea.”  Buddy.  

Poor Lizzie.  She really is so nice.  And he’s such a fucking disaster.  “You seem weird,” she says, in reaction to him going bug eyed from having to convince her not to drink his dead wife without her realizing that’s what he was doing.  Sweetie, you have no idea.  And she really does like him.  

This is.  So.  Gloriously awkward.  And Lizzie’s there in her bare feet.  And all we need is for Branch to show up and we’ll have a full house, and aaaaahahaha, Walt is so trying to freeze time with the power of his brain.  Staring off into the Not Here place with his mouth pressed just so...  Awwwww, suffer.

I had forgotten that Ferg was the one who actually did the body work on the Bronco!  Even did the paint work, because that old truck has never looked so good.  I know Omar loaned Walt his truck while the Bronco was “in the shop,” but I like that the writers gave Ferg the skills to do that.

“If anybody... has something they want to say, I suggest you think twice about it.”  We don’t need to say anything; we’re too busy laughing at you.

Oof, and then Lizzie hearing Martha’s voice still on the message greeting.  She’s really quite a good actress.  Lizzie isn’t a terribly subtle character generally, but she gives her these really fine microexpressions that give you occasional glimpses that there is more going on under the surface, and she’s not just an open book.  : (  Making me actually like her and feel bad, not just cringe when she comes on.  Dang iiiiiiiit.

Ok, that does NOT look like Sharpie.  I’m sorry, but that looks like a paint pen or lipstick more than it looks like a Shapie on the dead kid’s forehead.  Even if it were one of the jumbo Sharpies, they don’t write like that, they aren’t that colour on skin, and the thickness of the lines are all off.  Which is not really relevant, but it buuuuugs meeeee.  Pedantic little shit that I am.

Ope, Branch is basically past the angst about Walt not liking him and straight into just giving him nothing but attitude.  Which, while I can hardly blame anyone for giving Walt shit, does get old pretty fast.

Walt, you are So Bad at talking to people, even when it’s for the damn job!  Yeah, it’s fine to have Ferg fill Vic in, but at least acknowledge that she’s there, damn.  Honestly it would have been good for both Vic and Ferg for Walt to tell her to follow Ferg’s lead on this one.  He knows the case, the local history, the players, the situation, and probably more about archery than her, and she could stand to take the reminder that working 5 years in big city homicide still doesn’t make her the senior deputy and that she needs to be ok learning from even Ferg.  Shit, I keep finding more and more reasons to be annoyed at Walt.  Is he even really that good of a sheriff?  I’m shaking the ol’ Magic 8 Ball here, and signs point to frickin’ NO.  Ugh.

Five HUNDRED dollars says that he didn’t check with Mathias before going on the Rez for official police business again.  Jackass.

Can’t really blame Viho for being super bitter.  And Ayasha is so sweet.  This whole family dynamic is so well done.

Aw, Ferg is so excited about the gum wrapper.  “Still minty!”  How are you such a sparklebunny?  Bless.

Detective Falessssss.  His opening line is so great, but uuuuuuuhg, he’s as bad as Walt with his singlemindedness about the case.  

“Talk to Ruby.  She runs my life.”  She runs the department, bucko, and you’d be lost without her!  Lost, I say!  But you treat her like your personal social secretary, and that’s crap.

In Fales’ dubious defense, you were just super weird about that whole encounter.  

Omar!  You creepy little lecherous jackass.  Why am I still fond of you?  It’s really rather galling that I enjoy your character at all, but I doooo.  Thank gods he has the beard now; cleanshaven was just wigging me out.  “Vickie’s never shot before--”  “That is the second-to-last time you will ever call me that.”  And I chortle myself to distraction to the point that I have to rewind to catch the lines that I missed.  With her horrible plans when she gets drunk (I’m still cringing at that flashback of her with Travis) and her obvious thing for older men, I’m honestly kind of surprised she didn’t end up having a deeply regretted something with Omar at some point.  They do have good chemistry in an antagonistic way.  And he does so enjoy tugging her pigtails.  ...ew.  Why is my brain like this?  

“A little bit of practice, even a girl can make that shot.”  Aaaaaaand we’re back to kick him in the nuts.  Not that we ever really left there.  Such a butthead.

Boy oh boy, it sure is great the tone that all these shitty rich white people take saying “Indian.”

“That is what a normal person would do in your situation.”  Henryyyyyy, I love you so much.  Why can’t we spend more time with him in the early seasons?  Why are you drinking a Rainier?  Nooooo, please have better taste in beer than your boyfriend!  You have expensive tastes in bourbon, why can’t you have decent taste in beeeer?

Walt, what is the point of practicing darts when you are FIVE FEET from the board?  Seriously, you’re supposed to be like...  (a google later)  7 feet 9.25 inches away!  That’s...  That’s an oddly specific measurement.  Wtf.  No quickly apparent reason for that specific measure.  Resisting the pull of this particular rabbit hole to continue the ep.  

Aaaah, that’s right, this is still when Walt thinks that Henry may have killed the guy for him.  And BestDad Henry talked to Cady after the blow up about Branch, and he is a wonderful human being.  “It’s really none of your concern.”  Hoooooow dare you.  It is clearly a function of being bffs with that butthead that Henry just smiles (somewhat bitterly) at this instead of tripping him into the bar or shoving his head into the cigarette machine.  (Is that a cigarette machine?  Wtf is that thing with the yellow lit up portion towards the top? [14:05])  

“What a rich inner life you must lead.  From time to time, you should consider sharing some of it with the rest of us.”  The sass!  Swoon.  Henry.  Marry me.  

“I’ve got other problems.”  Buddy, you are other problems.

I wonder how many people/places Ruby just has on speed dial so that she can zoom through her list of “Where the hell is Walt now” to get in touch with him.

Aaaaand we’re back to Branch getting a bit big for his britches.  Whee.  Better fight about it like Big Boys.  Ffs.  “Go ahead.  Give me your best shot.”  ::Pat Benatar starts playing in the background::  Oh holy shit, I wish so damn much that I had any know-how about making vids.  I would be beyond amused by a spoofy hate vid of Walt and Branch being assholes to “Hit Me With Your Best Shot.”  Ooo, oo, or “Hit Me Baby One More Time!”  Aaaahahaha, these fucking losers and their fragile masculinity.  Get rekt.

Children.  Childreeeeen.  Stop it, or you can’t go to Timmy’s birthday party next week.

The irony of Vic being the one who is actually calling them on their shit and getting to do their damn jobs.  Well shit, they actually have a warrant this time.  Will wonders never cease.

Damn, Viho is smart.  Politically savy, pointing out the election coming up.  He’s got the wrong end of the stick this time, but the fact that he’s seen these angles and considered a bunch of things about the consequences already is telling about how smart he is.

Ruby is so pleased to see Henry.  She sounds tired (dealing with Walt and Branch and the sheer volume of bs that is accumulating in that office, no wonder) but still fond.  And the look she gives him.  I love her so much.  She puts up with so much.  And I love Henry continually calling Walt and the department on their shit and just being a dedicated activist for his community.

Fuck right off, Branch.  “Woah.  I know you’re Walt’s friend, Henry, but you don’t have any particular rights here.”  You are sliding into being a full on trashbag of a human being so fast, Brancheroo.  Reminding a young man of his rights and helping him avoid getting railroaded by your biased ass isn’t a bad thing, you rusty wingnut.

Ok, it might not be Glasses!Henry, but cowboy boots!Henry with the glow of righteousness upon him is also quite A Look.

Aaaaahahaha, for once Vic’s unholy yelling saves the day.  Being able to shout over a mass of raucous teens is usually reserved for teachers, camp counselors, and stage managers.  Looool and using detention as the threat.  And then jail.  Heeeh.

This is soooo weeeeeird: I’m starting to genuinely like Lizzie.  She just showed up and I remembered that it’s for dropping off that present, and then Vic is such a butt about it, and this poor lady is just trying to date a guy that she really likes and even gave him about 5 different outs that morning and he pointedly didn’t take any of them and dammit, Lizzie deserves better, too.  Fuck, Walt, you are such a disaster zone.  And Vic is a whole other disaster area that’s looking to, uhhhh, share a border.  Yike.

The present is definitely more Lizzie than it is Walt, with the wrapping and everything, but it’s still a sweet impulse.  AND THEN VIC, who told Walt how many times that he should call her?? gets all up in her business?  Poor Lizzie trying to figure out what the fuck this has to do with Vic or how it is even on the same planet as any of her business.  She does have some issues from her previous marriage, but she owns them.  And her BS meter is actually pretty finely tuned.  Sure picks up on Vic’s awkward boner for Walt in no time flat.  Not that it’s particularly well hidden, damn.

This kid is a rapist and a murderer and The Bad Guy, but at the same time, he is a high school kid, chances are he’s a minor, and Walt is talking to him alone in his office without any parent, much less a lawyer.  What the fuck.  

“Because Ayasha Roundstone told me so,” is a good line, solidly so.  And Walt’s all in The Righteous Hand of Justice mode or whatever, with the gravelly voice and standing over the kid, staring him down.  Effective.  (But where are that kid’s parents?)  Ah, that’s right, his dad is taking a shot at whatshisnoodle to make it look like he’s the killer.

Awww, Cady.  Honey, how long have you been waiting for you FailDad to show up?  Fuck.  Right.  This was how she found out that Martha was murdered.  He lies to her so much.  He manipulates her so much.  He passes all of this off on it being Martha’s wish, but he even acknowledges that Cady had a right to know and he chose not to tell her.  He denies Cady her own agency again and again.  He makes decisions for her without ever giving her a chance to choose for herself, and punishes her when she makes a choice that he doesn’t agree with.

It’s not “protecting” her from the pain.  “Protecting you from the pain,” is not a father’s job; it’s to teach their child how to manage it, help them live through it, and how to grow past it.  You’re damaging her.  Into the suuuuuuun, Walt!  Into the fucking SUN.

But fuuuuuuuuuuuck, her delivery of that same line, “Well, let me relieve you of that burden,” is sooo good.  You done fucked up, buster.  And you just keep fucking up.  I would say in new and exciting ways, but it’s generally in the SAME DAMN WAYS, dammit Walt.

This flashback is really difficult.  

They’re right about that technically being kidnapping, too.  Wyoming  § 6-2-201 specifically includes defining kidnapping as unlawfully confining another person, with the intent to “facilitate the commission of a felony; or Inflict bodily injury on or to terrorize the victim or another,” with unlawful confinement defined as “accomplished (i)  By force, threat or deception; or (ii)  Without the consent of a parent, guardian or other person responsible for the general supervision of an individual who is under the age of fourteen (14) or who is adjudicated incompetent.”  Meaning that not only could Walt charge Jake with the kidnapping of Rich, but also probably of Ayasha, since she was ruled an unreliable witness and would more than likely be legally considered a “mentally incompetent person” according to the states’ legal definitions.  

Not... that I have the Wyoming State Criminal Code downloaded on my computer.  >_> Certainly haven’t skimmed about 80% of it trying to figure out what charges would most make sense to be levied against Jacob at the end so that I don’t have to deal with him going in to a Federal prison on RICO charges.  <_<  Or what Cady probably should have been charged with after that mess with Tate and Catori.  Nnnnnnope.  Sure don’t, didn’t, haven’t. o_o

This is about the only time I can remember there being a legitimate reason for Walt not to have backup.  Since they’re off checking other locations.  Also, damn, that was some classic Old West quickdraw shit, Walt!  Noice!

“Why did you stop me?”  Because you have to testify, you little shit.  HE is not terribly bright.

Ooooooo, somehow I forgot that it was Branch who went to Jacob.  But that makes total sense; I can’t really see Jacob seeking Branch out, but once he walks himself into his office, Jacob will certainly play those new cards for all they’re worth.  Ooooooooo, and the Hotamétaneo’o headdress!  I’d forgotten about Branch seeing it, too!  Nice call back and foreshadowing to finish off S1!

“You will not find a chili cheeseburger of this caliber anywhere in Colorado.”  And now it’s 4:30 in the morning and I want a chili cheeseburger.  Thanks, babe.   Some daaaaaay, I will figure out which is my favourite Henry, but it is not this day, because godsdaaaaamn, the red checked shirt with that vessssst, is *chef kiss* a wonderful thing.   And the director knoooooows it = that pan down Henry’s back as he turns after saying, “I said nothing,” for noooo reason other than to have Henry’s ass on screen.  Seriously.  He says his line, it pans down, we get a primo shot of his jeans, and then it cuts away.  Solely a pan for Henry Butt.  Who directed this, and where do I send the fruit basket?  Dang, it was Nelson McCormick, and this was the only ep of Longmire he directed.  Huh.  In S1, there’s only one repeat director, who did eps 1, 3, and 7.  Interesting.

Focus, kid.  You are less than 3 minutes from the end and you’ve had it paused for over 5 minutes to wander around IMDb.  No wonder it takes you three flipping hours to watch one of these episodes.  What a mess, indeed.

“We all process grief in our own way.”  Buddy.  You have not processed.  You are a human <BUFFERING> screen.  You’re a walking loading symbol.  Walt, he gives you some basic vital statistics on the guy, but...  You haven’t even asked who it was.  Walt, you are so bad at this.  Fffffffff---  And there’s season 1.  lawd.

[purplesurveys]

777

do you think weird it's for someone to have never tried soda? I’d be surprised that they were never curious enough to try it if they can access soda, but then again I live in a third world country and not everyone gets to try everything. I’ve learned to judge less when it comes to opportunities like this. is there any foreign film you recommend? Portrait of a Lady on Fire was fucking intense and so, so so good. do you have the same religious beliefs as your parents? My dad might also be atheist, but I’ve never known for sure. He once confided in me that he was atheist in college but “it changed” when he met my mom... but honestly we’ve always grunted the same way whenever my mom tells us it’s time to pray or if we have to watch our weekly mass livestream. So idk. I think he just acts Catholic to appease her, but yeah he’s definitely weird about it. which floor of your house/building are you on now? Second floor. It’s my first time to want to hang out in my bedroom in months because IT’S ACTUALLY RAINING and it’s cold enough in my room to wanna stay here. are there any maps hanging in your room? No maps here.

are you often a third wheel? or is someone a third wheel to you? Yep I third wheel pretty often. My girlfriend and I study in different schools and I have friends in my school who are couples, so if Gab isn’t visiting my campus for the day I just tag along with my couple friends. I don’t get bothered or feel insecure by it because I have my own relationship lolol what's the last dvd you bought? Holy shit...DVD? I don’t even remember anymore. It was most likely an Audrey Hepburn film, back in 2013 when I was really into her. That or Beyoncé’s Life Is But A Dream documentary, which was the last thing she ever released on DVD. Also came out in 2013. tell me about your favorite pair of jeans. High-waisted 90s-styled jeans. Nothing much to say other than they fit me well, I got a lot of compliments whenever I have them on, and they match any t-shirt I paired with, which made me like wearing t-shirts again haha. would you ride a motorcycle if given the chance? (or have you?) I would but only if someone super experienced was driving. I haven’t been on one because my parents don’t allow me to, and tbh I don’t mind the rule because I’m mostly scared of motorcycles anyway. is your hair healthy? No. Some hair salon I went to around ten years ago put some cheap products in my hair when I had it rebonded and it never felt 100% healthy again. Until today it gets very stiff when it gets into contact with water and only shampoo, and I always have to pair it with conditioner. if a hotel offered free breakfast in bed, what would you order? Eggs Benedict and some very creamy warm coffee. how often do you take a train? Never. I don’t trust the public transport here and I’m better off driving in my own car. what are your thoughts on reincarnation? (have you ever read up about it?) I don’t think of it at all because I don’t believe in it. I don’t mind others who are into it, just don’t shove it down my throat.  what's your favorite led zeppelin song? I don’t have one. does your home have a balcony/deck/porch? Yeah we have a balcony. We used to have a full balcony, but we transformed 3/4 of it into my brother’s current room a few years ago because he was starting to grow up and he needed his own room. We retained 1/4 of the space so that it can be the place where my dog can still do his business. what does your closet/wardrobe say about you? It says I am a very messy person who can’t keep her closet consistently organized lol. It will also tell you I’m quite girly based on the clothes I own. do you enjoy theatre? I was never a fan. how would you feel about traveling abroad alone? If I was offered the chance to do it I certainly wouldn’t give it up, but I really, really, preferably would travel with at least one companion. Traveling is one of those experiences I’d want to share with someone, and I would hate if I had to go back to my hotel room at the end of the day with no one to talk to. who would you call a lyrical genius? Laura Jane Grace. how do you treat yourself? My go-to gift for myself is giving into my cravings hahaha. Nothing speaks more to me than food, and if I feel like I deserve a reward for a job well done, I’ll go to a slightly more expensive restaurant to celebrate. do you have an interesting passport? Idk, it’s a normal one and I never had it customized or anything. are you going to pursue a career according to what you enjoy? I hope I get to. I really enjoyed my PR internship and I’d love to be headed there. what happens to your old clothes? They go to the very back or the very bottom of my wardrobe for the most part. My mom will make us throw out clothes we don’t like anymore once a year, so that’s the time I get to get rid of them. what's your favorite frozen treat? Cornetto ice cream is one of my faaaaavorite comfort snacks. The end of the cone where they save chocolate chunks is the best part. who supports you financially? My parents. Getting increasingly guiltier about it by the day, too. if you wanted to go to the movie cinema, how would you get there? I would wait for the clock to strike midnight tonight, because in 48 minutes they’ll finally loosen lockdown rules AND I CAN FINALLY GO OUT. Hahaha. After that I’ll jump to my car, drive out of the village, take a u-turn, and I’m there. how many pillows are on your bed? Two big ones. would you pay more for organic food? Only if I had the money for it. Organic food is a thing of the (very) privileged here and is not very accessible to begin with, unless you’re in posher grocieries. have you ever had a crush on a sibling's friend or a friend's sibling? I haven’t. I’d find it weird considering they’re all a bit younger than me. do you have a friend who mooches? what to do about it? (or is it you?) She’s never done it with me but I’ve heard enough horror stories about her to know that she tends to do this, but yeah Mils is apparently quite the moocher. I’m soooo not one; I’d wait for my friends to offer to pay for stuff, but otherwise I’m fighting them over the bill lmao. do you know much about feng shui? (do you use it?) I’m not knowledgeable on it but I’m definitely familiar with it, because we have a rather large Filipino-Chinese community/culture in the country that glorifies feng shui during Chinese New Year season. I don’t really have a choice but have Chinese culture shoved down my throat whether it’s in the news, the media, or my Chinese friends.  how would you make friends in a quiet class? I preferably wouldn’t because I’m only interested in getting good grades and getting that class over with hahaha. But if I was interested in making a friend or two, I’d typically scan the classroom and see who seems to be responsible? Like if they take notes as hard as I do. are you generally a quick learner? No. I take some time, and I especially take long if the thing being taught is more hands-on, like origami. I’ve just never been good at following certain tasks, and I prefer learning from reading instructions. what's your favorite spot to read? Skywalk or the dining table. has anyone given you a nickname you didn't like? (what was it?) Not that I can recall. I’m okay with all of them. did you know that buddha is not considered a god to buddhists? Yes. do you save tickets from movies, etc.? If it’s a significant enough date or event, sure. I’ve kept my 2018 Paramore gig ticket to this day, but like I’ve thrown out my ticket for Knives Out because I hated the movie lol. without looking him up, who was jim morrison? Vocalist for The Doors. when's the last time your bedroom was painted/wallpapered? Idk, 2006 or 2007 when the house was being made? It’s never been repainted. teach me something in another language. (not french/chinese/german/arabic) Why so language-ist lmaooooooo uh “Nakauwi ka na?” means “Did you get home? / Have you gotten home?” what type of body wash did you last use? Idk, I never read the labels on it actually. what type of music do you like and why? Right now I’m into lo-fi because it makes me feel relaxed, but I’m also starting to get into the recent trend where today’s artists put out songs that sound like they’re from the 80s, like Dua Lipa’s Physical or The Weeknd’s Blinding Lights - I think the genre is called synth pop/synthwave. They simply sound cool haha and they’re awesome to listen to while driving. if you randomly want to eat something in the house, do you eat it or wait? I check the time, like if we’re supposed to be having dinner soon, then act accordingly. who knows the most about you (besides yourself)? My girlfriend. do you have a nervous habit? (e.g. biting nails, tapping feet, smoking) Plucking eyebrow or eyelash hair, but that behavior is reserved for extreme cases where I’m incredibly and inconsolably anxious. On a milder day I would vape, sigh a lot, or bite my nails. how's your favorite pro sports team doing lately? I don’t watch sports with teams. would you be/are you a good role model to a younger sibling? I don’t get into trouble but I’m not the best influence either.

[ol-razzle-dazazzle]

For Elise

I’d just like to preface this saying that THIS RELATIONSHIP IS NOT MEANT TO BE ROMANTIC OR SEXUAL. ANY MENTIONS OF SHIPPING AND PEDOPHILIA WILL BE BLOCKED. I DO NOT CONDONE SHIPPING WITH MINORS

Also tw for physical child abuse (between mori and his dad), murder, graphic depictions of violence, that kinda thing so please don’t read this if you will be discomforted by these.

This is meant to be an exploration into Mori’s backstory and Elise’s relationship, autonomy and how they both develop. The two are not shown in a romantic way, and the things Mori does are meant to be wrong. Critiquing this work is totally fine, and additions onto your thoughts are welcome, but anything resembling a minor adult relationship will be blocked immediately.

When I was younger I had an imaginary friend, as most children do.

I myself, was an imaginary fairy tale child never meant to be. A glorious fling at some long forgotten golden day ballroom. The only memory I have of her is seen only through her porcelain beauty in dolls. Father was a doll maker. I based my imaginary friend off her.

There is nothing stranger when you’re a child then being able to configure a person. I remember when I was the ripe age of 8 that I saw no longer the invisible then a mannequin, untouched girl my age lying down. Flat, soulless eyes.  Fair blonde hair like spun gold. Her eyes made no attempt to stare. Is this her? “Rinny?” I had never been called that name.

“That’s not my name.” I wave a hand and she gets up. “I like it! It’s cute.” She looks around, seeing the surrounding dolls. “Well?” She turns to me, and the childish mythical light returns to her. “Well what?” “Aren’t you going to make me wear one of these?”

I look around at the dolls, as she follows around me. “What’s you’re name?”

She giggles, “Elise, you know that already, Rinny.” Out of the corner of my eye I find a nice pink dress with frills and before I know it she’s already dashed towards it. “It’s lovely!” “It is…but…” It doesn’t fit, it doesn’t feel right. “Oh, at least make me try it!” How could I go against the emerald sparkle in her eyes?

“Okay…how do I do that?” “Just configure me like you did to make me move.” “Right, so I move my hand onto-” “You can’t just watch me change, jeez!” She sticks her tongue out, despite the fact that she’s just dashed around normally. “R-Right…” I turn around, and do some strange orchestration with my fingers, and… “Don’t I look adorable?” “Yes, you do.” I smile. “You’re not even looking!” She huffs, walking over to me, the soft clack of wooden clogs that almost slip off on her. “Haven’t you heard of fastening?” She chuckles. “What do you think?”

“…I don’t like it.” The words spill, it’s surprisingly easy to be honest with her. “Ah I know right! I hate it!” She grabs the dress, her eyes look different…pale, thin, reptilian almost. She grabs the frock, nails ripping into the expensive fabric and tearing it into pieces.

“E-Elise, what are you, stupid?!” I run towards the fabric, but to no avail- it’s merely a pile of rags.

Father would kill me.

“No…” She raised an eyebrow. “You didn’t like it, so I destroyed it.”

I groan, “Just because I hate it doesn’t mean it doesn’t deserve to exist.”

“Well you like me, and I deserve to exist, don’t I?”

“…” I can barely stare at her.

“See?” And with that laugh, I can’t stay mad- not that I was in the first place.

*****

Until he comes home. Father usually worked in other rooms, but when he needed to get lace…he noticed one of the dresses was missing.

Father usually drank. Drank to forget, forget ‘her’ and to forget me. As if my existence was some fairy tale like dream, just born from imagination.

However, the blows he struck upon me were reality.

I had always been a mouse. Quiet. I never made a sound. I cleaned, I helped Father when he was sick, it was if I was the one playing house. With my imaginary friends.

Where is she? I yelp as he throws me into the wall. If Mother was here, would she allow this? Is there any reason for my existence, aside from being spit at that I’m just a “Bastard.”

There’s a chuckle. As if the cherubs in heaven are laughing at my bruises. I look up, and am rewarded with another punch.

I stare at Father. I hate him. I want to kill him. But I could never, I’m not an idealized hero or whatever bullshit, I’m a scared little child.

He stopped moving, as if I willed it.

Father fell down, and I see her there.

“E-Elise?” She’s covered in blood, she clawed his organs as easily as fabric.

“Rinny.” She smiles, and she lets out a hand. “You control the world around you now.”

This was my first time my hands became covered in blood.

*****

School wasn’t particularly better. I had sold most of the dresses and dolls (much to Elise’s dismay), but I left all the red ones alone, she liked those best, and they suited her.

There was one problem though, as schoolchildren grew up, and nattered on about love and whatever else, I found no such thing. Despite the fact that we played house together, and she did my school tie in the mornings, I felt no need to set my lips upon anyone, let alone all that other…insanitary matters.

As time went on, she needed a bigger chair as she insisted fixing my collar.

Elise had stuck through everything with me, except one thing.

She never aged.

“Elise…can you come here for a moment?” I call out to her, wincing at my legs. It was to be expected, a bastard orphan with an imaginary friend, and a weakling at that. I was always frail. I never felt the need to run away.

“Of course!” She skipped over to me, but halfway through her smile dissolved, but continued nonetheless.

“Can I hug you?” It was rare that my voice shook, but I had realized that I haven’t felt human affection in…decades, at least. Even the batterings were somewhat bearable to simply feel skin.

She laughed. A long time, a strained time.

I stepped closer, she stepped back.

“…You know the answer to that. I’m not going to give you a false hope.”

She’s not real. She’s not real. She’s not real.

“Can I pretend?”

I felt plastic-like arms around me. “As long as you know you are.”

***** Another problem that came with school, is what would come after. I was smart enough; excelling at most things, be it writing or science. In true ‘nerd’ fashion, my only lacking subject was Physical Education.

I liked the feel of wearing a labcoat. It was like my very own ballgown, where I would twirl. Sometimes, if I could conjure her, Elise would appear, and (as she had learnt to float by now) we would dance and laugh until the world seemed to dull.

“You know, Rintarou- you could always give them some nice chemicals.” She peers over an experiment, poking at a beaker. “This one’s really pretty! It’s such a lovely shade of purple, anyone would want to drink it!”

“You know that would shut down your internal organs, right?” I can’t help but chuckle, but I would never do such a thing.

“Even soooo…lemme have it!” She smiles gleefully, and I flick her away.

I hear a set of footsteps. It’s not the same clack as Elise’s shoes.

“What’s he even doing here? Does he want to burn the place down?” “I hear that’s what happened with his dad.” “Really? Nah, such a pathetic idiot couldn’t even fight back.” “Let’s make him drink it!”

My mouth was clasped open, and my eyes widened at the poison, before flickering shut.

Ah, so this is how it ends. At least I’m wearing my borrowed labcoat. On second thought, maybe burning this school would be better…I want them to suffer. I want them to die.

Glass shattered on the floor.

And when I opened my eyes, they were dead.

I looked over at the cut open corpses, and Elise smiling innocently with a scalpel in her hand, eyes thin and dimples showing.

“Thank you.” The words came out of me breathlessly, but were said…nonchalantly. I was amazed at myself, for not crying or screaming. Before me are three dead bodies.

I controlled the world around me.

I smiled.

“Elise, hand me the scalpel.” She did, and I could swear her skin almost had some flesh to it.

The human body is such a fascinating thing, isn’t it? There’s so many complex things to it, so much filth, so many cells… and yet, Elise was merely…a thing. Not human, but even devoid of such things as guilt, she cared about me.

Maybe she was more human than I could ever be.

Three months later after the deaths of students were forgotten, I got asked what I wanted to do.

“I want to become a doctor.”

*****

And so I worked. Elise was upset, but managed to satisfy her imagination with designs of cute doctor attire. During all nighters where she held crayons cradled in her arms, I set a blanket over her, and reminded myself I needed sleep.

She was just as determined as I was to study, and with the help of all nighters and comically shaped flash cards, I managed to get into a med school.

It was then everything…ah, got better as much as it got worse.

*****

I met someone very strange there. For you see, I’d never met someone that had something like I did. An ability.

A woman who was probably the closest person befitting of a title such as 'friend’.

The next two years passed without a hitch. I noticed that Yosano’s patients during our internship were at 100% success rate, and she was taken into emergency.

As someone who was relatively calm myself, and had experienced death, I was alongside her, though sadly my patients died due to internal bleeding.

Yosano was an empathic doctor, as she grieved for the patients I lost more than I did. It was her only weakness, and soon she started to adopt some sadistic state to deal with it. Our patients were probably too scared to die ahahaha~

But there was one.

It was at 3 in the morning, Yosano had treated most of them, or they were sent into other sectors. 'You really shouldn’t let her do everything, you have to be the best doctor Rinny…’ Elise pouted, she finally stole away some medical equipment and wore a nurses’ garb with glee (even the initially 'tacky surgery stuff’)

But I wouldn’t be so cruel, and Elise knew that, as she flopped on the bed with a sigh. 'This is taking too long! Why do you want to be a doctor anyway?’ She kicked the sheets up.

Then he came in. A man of about sixty stepped shakily through the door. I could see the problem already in his leg, and it was my shift and Yosano’s to try and sleep.

“Shit…I think…yes, I found you.”

A strange thing to say to a doctor, as I didn’t recognize the man himself, and it was dark besides. I switched on the lights, and ushered him to the bed.

“Sir, you have a blood clot. In around 5 minutes we can treat it, though you’ll have to be careful to not put pressure on your leg.” It was a simple diagnosis, it wasn’t that bad. The man’s break was laboured and shook, even despite no further injury. He must’ve been running.

“Thank you…Doctor Rintarou.”

I glanced down at my name tag. How would he know my first name?

“I’m afraid I don’t recognize you, sir.”

He grabbed my coat to lean closer. “Don’t these eyes look familiar, Rintarou?”

“Like the eyes of my son, who was cut open in his final year.”

The grip tightened. He was choking me, but his feeble hands broke away as I wrenched free.

I’m not weak.

“Sir, I have a duty of care to save your life. The clot could prove harmful if left unchecked.” I smiled, despite sweat dripping down my collar.

“I’d rather be burned alive. I’m here because you killed him. I know you did.”

“But sir, you do know the official archives depicted a knife fight? Your son was taken in by the wrong group, it’s only natural…”

“You’re a fucking liar. I know it was you. Little Rintarou didn’t cry after that.”

“Your son was a miserable excuse of a human being.”

“I saw. Because when I was picking him up…”

“What a kind, lovely father you are. I wish I had one so respectable.”

“I saw your face was stained with purple. You were there with a child. Were you going to kill her too?”

I sigh, getting a scalpel. “Her name, sir, is Elise.”

“You didn’t even know his name. You don’t even know who he was.”

“His name?! His name means nothing! I know what he was. If it wasn’t for work reasons I could strip down and I could show you every little scratch your son wrote on me. His name! That’s what you’re here for, I’m here to make something of myself-”

“Everyone will know.” He smiles. He does share a smile with his son. Deplorable.

“I’ll tell them all.”

“The dead have no mouths.” I sneer, and plunge the scalpel into his throat.

“…What are you doing.” I turn, and I see her there. Yosano, eyes weary and gasping in horror.

“What have you done?!”

“You don’t know? Why, now how did you even pass the exam then, dear?” I feel a smile. I can’t stop, this is what it must be like when Elise finds a new ribbon.

She shoves me aside, and plunges the scalpel into his heart. “Come on… come on.”

“Yosano, why are you hurting our patient further?”

“Please…bring him back. Please, please. You shall not die.”

“Oh my.” The realization dawns on me. “You have an ability.”

She turns toward me, eyes wide. “What do you-”

“That’s why they all live.”

“That’s not true…”

“You can’t save him, he had too many internal injuries.” I smile, “He’s already dead.”

“You’re a monster.”

“I’m a doctor. And I will continue to be such…” I retrieve another knife, and stab her in the back.

“No you won’t. Get out.” She reaches for the knife behind her back, she’s fine.

For the first time, I ran.

*****

“Rinny, you should’ve been more careful.” Elise calls out. We’re in an alley, I clutch at my coat and it’s red.

“Now everything’s gone away. All that hard work.” She floats up to me.

“It’s fine. It’ll be fine.” I murmur to myself.

“He was a nice father… I’ve never seen someone defend family so much before.” Her words cut through me, but I know it’s what I think.

It’s tiring. Everything I had built up…two decades of work, and what for?

“The boss has been shot!”

Hmmm, perhaps my choice in alleyways was a bit /too/ dingy. “He needs to see a doc, right away!”

“Are you stupid? What, and just tell them, oh yeah, the port mafia boss wants a little patching up.”

Elise is tugging me. She knows where we’re going.

There’s a man bleeding out. Well, there are lots of men bleeding out, or dead. He’s murmuring, “Kill them, all of them, kill them all! ”

“They’re already dead, boss.” I see a man twice my age, smoking a cigarette as if he wasn’t standing in a field of death.

Well that’s a little hypocritical, considering…

“I know a doctor!” Shock courses through me, as Elise tugs on the man’s coat. “Rinny’s a doc! He can patch the boss up real good!”

They all stare up at me, as if judging whether I was fit to live.

“This scrawny guy?”

Elise kicks his shins, “Yeah! If anyone can, he can!” She stares up at me.

Do I really think that of myself?

“I’ll see what I can do.”

It was a bullet stuck in his shoulder. I still had some blades on me, so I managed to make short work.

However, I would like to add that it’s probably painful when you’re hearing, “Fuck it hurts! I swear, I’ll kill you! I’ll kill your whole family!”

I decided I didn’t like this man. As I was working on saving him I thought to myself 'I feel as if one day I will kill him’.

“We need something to stop the blood flow…Elise?”

She pouts, “Fine…” As she cuts at the sleeves on her dress, wrapping him up.

“Wait a sec… he’s got one.”

“What are you talking about?” Elise looks up.

“An ability? We’ve never even seen him before…”

“Let alone one that makes…this.” A man rustled Elise’s hair.

“She’s mine.”

“Yeah! He’s mine!” Elise quickly grips him away, sticking her tongue out. “He’s my ability.”

“Eh really?”

“Nope!”

“Elise…” Mori sighs softly, before smiling.

“So, you’re a doctor huh?”

“Of sorts…”

Elise smiled, “He’s going to get kicked out of med school because he killed people.”

Despite Elise’s slip, the people seem nervous, there’s an exchange of nods. The boss has passed out.

“So…how would you like to be a vet, uh…Rinny was it?”

“Ougai, its Mori Ougai.” I take extra measure to make the city light glint on my scalpel. “And I’m a doctor.”

“Well how about you take care of some ol’ dogs like us?”

***** “Hey Rinny, how come if you can 'configure me’, you never let me age for all those years?”

“Hm?” I turn towards Elise, who’s busy drawing the Mafia, in crayon. “Well…I’m not sure.”

“You said I looked like Mother, when you first made me up.” She muses, “But you never saw her aside from pictures, right?”

“Right…” I scoop her up, adjusting her ribbons. “Well, Elise was always there, and so I’ll leave you as you always are.”

“The perfect Elise.” She snickers.

“I wouldn’t change her any other way.”

Yes, she was the one constant in my life. Even as the world around me changed, as I changed from a meek worthless bastard to a much more confident and murderous bastard…she was always there.

'You can control the world around you now’.

And she finishes my thought, “But I’m your whole world, right?”

[chelsiealvin-blog]

The Overall Wedding Planning Process

I am a planner. Obviously if you have read any of my other articles, I LIVE to plan. Planning my own wedding was going to be just as fun right? Just a month after getting engaged and with the declining health of my Grandfather we decided to get married in one year in June 2016. We started by researching florists, day of coordinators and bakeries; the stress of planning really set in. Within a month, with a little luck, we found this incredible company called John Michael Event Services. I knew that I wanted to be involved with the personal things like our cake topper and guest book; but I realized I  REALLY needed help with the everything else.

We had a strict budget of 13K for our wedding, so we went in with low hopes that they could assist us. To our surprise, they offered us a customized event planning bundle at 10K to include a custom cake, wedding planner, day of coordinator, custom floral, catering and drinks. We were lucky enough to have friends do our DJ and photography services for free. We signed the paperwork that day and we immediately felt relieved. The wedding planner planned every single appointment for us; we would just show up and pick out what we wanted. They even spaced out payments for our wedding throughout the year to make it even easier on us.

  Before we get started on this nonsense of weddings. Take away this one piece of advice.

The VERY FIRST THING you need to pick up is large 10 gallon Tupperware bins. The bins saved my life. Put these somewhere you can easily reach them and as items come in the mail for your wedding, pop them into the bins. This way everything is packed for your planner or wedding party to put out on your wedding day. Even use these bins to store ALL of your paperwork. TRUST ME.

The Venue – 1 Year Away from our Wedding Day!

After booking our Wedding Planner/Coordinator, one year out we needed to pick our venue. We looked at only one venue; we knew when we walked through the door. Lake Mary Events Center in Lake Mary, Florida is an incredible venue. It featured a beautiful rotunda with high glass windows overlooking Lake Mary. It took our breaths away from the moment we walked into the building. Our ceremony was to be held in the beautiful rotunda just after sunrise, our reception in their grand ballroom.

Food, Flowers, Music, Cake and THE DRESS! – Eight months away from our Wedding Day!

A few months after booking our venue, our wedding planner scheduled us a meeting to pick out our flowers, food and cake. We also met with our DJ to pick out different songs to play during the event. OH and I bought my dress! You always want to get your dress with as MUCH time as possible, with all of the stress my weight fluctuated a lot and I need alterations to my dress.

Flowers – I went with lambs ear and light colored peonies. I really wanted to stick to lighter colors, to go with the morning/breakfast vibe.

The Dress – I didn’t actually have a plan for what I wanted my dress to look like. My Man of Honor actually picked out my dress, forced me into and I fell in love with it. He picked out a beautiful ball gown layered with tulle.

Music – was pretty easy too. My husband to be and I turned on music in our living room and wrote down each song we wanted for the different parts of the event. We sent the list over to our DJ and POOF that was checked off our list.

The very best part? Picking out the food! Andrew and I wanted a brunch wedding, so we decided on a Make Your Own Waffle Bar, unlimited bacon and unlimited mimosas. CAN’T GO WRONG WITH THAT! (plus breakfast food is a LOT cheaper than serving dinner)

The cake – We still wanted to keep with our brunch vibe here. We picked out a citrus, orange flavored cake with cream cheese frosting. YUM.

It’s all in the details – Four months away from out Wedding Day!

Some of the smaller things I of course wanted to do myself. We included a custom wedding hashtag #herecomethealvins and printed it on mostly everything we made, this way all photos that our guests posted we were able to see later on! The small details do not have to be expensive either, we mostly used the Dollar Tree and Oriental Trading Company. I ordered everything online, had it delivered to my door, packed it away in our large Tupperware bins for our wedding planner and POOF it was done.

A photo booth – Our photographer snapped soooo many cute photos of our guests! Get creative with it! We picked out a Flamingo Themed booth! I purchased the photo booth props from Esty as a PDF ($10) and printed them at Staples for another $5. We included some dollar tree items as well, a feather boa and inflatable bird.

A guest book – This doesn’t have to be a traditional book, we ended up using our favorite board game! We got it on sale for about $30 and picked up two sharpies for guests to sign.

Cake topper – We had custom bride and groom flamingos made for the top of our cake. This was the MOST expensive thing we purchased. We picked them up off Etsy for $30.

Guest favors – Something small (and cheap) we hand folded paper boxes, filled with colorful tissue paper and placed a small gold animal. The small gold animals matched the larger version in the reception as “table numbers.” A guest favor/place card! The cardboard boxes came from the dollar tree ($50), tulle from Michael’s ($15) and plastic animals from the dollar tree ($25).

A unity ceremony of some sort – We used a Tree Planting Ceremony for ours. Each guest was invited to place dirt in the pot so show their support as we planted the tree to show the foundation and strength of our relationship. We brought a pot and watering can from home and picked up the plant from IKEA.

Signage – We had plenty of different signs throughout our wedding. A welcome sign, photo booth entrance, small table signs. These are easy to purchase! We bought everything from Etsy for around $50.

Small treats – A LOT of people are using a candy bar in their weddings, but we wanted something brunch themed! We purchased the same containers as a candy bar, but filled them with fun cereal. We folded small pink popcorn containers with our hashtag sticker on the front, so guests were able to make their perfect mix.

I had custom newspapers printed! Around $100 for 100 copies, we had a company print a custom wedding newspaper printed. Each small article was about someone in our wedding party, funny stories about how we met and tons of pictures of our pup. There was even a word search on the back and we passed out Starbucks gift cards for winners!

Menus – During the reception I printed out menus on card stock (costing around $15 at Staples) and created a word search on the back. We also had custom pencils made with our hashtag (you can get these from Oriental Trading Company for $15).

All of the other events that come with Weddings – One month before our Wedding Day!

I was actually shocked to know that it’s just not your wedding day you are planning for. There are so many more smaller events that take place to celebrate for upcoming marriage. A month before our wedding I had a bacholrette party with friends, a bridal shower with family, an engagement party, a rehearsal event and I planned a bridal party slumber party the night before my wedding

(I will be posting all of these events separately later on).

Weddings are EXHAUSTING.

Take your time and enjoy all of the wedding festivities. OH! And take lots of photos!

Our wedding planner was INCREDIBLE; she was there with us the entire process of planning and the stress the day of. Even if you think you will not need a planner, please consider it! Even with my passion of planning events, I needed her more than I could imagine on my big day! We were surprised how much we actually NEEDED a planner.

There are two large things that I have gathered from my own wedding and for those weddings I have helped out at throughout the years.

First, delegate but delegate selectively! Rely on your bridal party and your family to come through for you, but make sure you are demanding on what you actually WANT. A lot of family remembers have their own ideas and values for what a wedding should be/have, it’s your wedding; do not let anyone (including family) push you into anything that will not make you happy.

Second, it’s all about the details. You can have a beautiful venue and you can have a perfect dress; but it is all about the tiny details that make your wedding special. Things like a special cake topper and guest favors make ALL the difference when it comes to making your day special. These small details do not have to be expensive (you know how much I love the Dollar Tree), but they have to be personal for you and your spouse.

Smaller things that no one ever tells you that will change your day

Pack spare clothes in your “getaway car” do not let anyone move them

Pack valet money in your “getaway bag” you do not want to have to park in a parking garage at a hotel and have to carry your dress and your belongings five miles to the lobby. You are tired and you deserve it

Go to David’s Bridal and get your dress there. You will get your dream dress for cheap, along with a PACKAGE OF COUPONS for discounted tux rentals and spa treatments for your ladies

Do not spend money on a nice wedding band for your husband, you will eventually have to get it replaced….several times

Use a poster board and sticky notes to map out your reception guest seating (they are easier to move around)

On your wedding night (after parking in valet) go into the hotel lobby in your dress – you will immediately be upgraded to a fancy room with free drinks

Brides listen. You will miss out on your guests arriving and your bridal party walking down the aisle. You are going to want to have someone film this for you

Drive to the Courthouse 60 days before your wedding to pick up your license and take the pre-marriage consoling; it will save you $30

Make sure you officiant fills out the form correctly or you will have to get it re-signed. You can send this in the mail, instead of having to worry about dropping it off on your Honeymoon

Do not screw around with your birth control. Let it do what it needs to do. Do not change your routine weeks before and have your period on your wedding night!

Take two honeymoons. You and your hubby are two different people; plan a week for each of you. (We stayed in a cabin and hiked for my honeymoon; we went on a beach cruise for his). You are exhausted from all of the festivties, you DESRVE to take some time off.

Use VISTA PRINT for everything wedding related. Wedding invites, announcements, thank you cards, even the hashtag stickers. Having everything printed through them was cheaper, they shipped everything right to my door.

I know this is all over whelming. Trust me though, keep this list!

Remember though, it’s your day. It’s all about you and your spouse. Spend the day with each other and enjoy every single moment! I would love to hear about your wedding below!! 

  Weddings are stressful, beautiful, WONDERFUL and a whole LOT of work. The Overall Wedding Planning Process I am a planner. Obviously if you have read any of my other articles, I LIVE to plan.