#the point of it and the joy of it is imperfectly moving toward better understanding TOGETHER.

[bellshazes]

man. had a convo with my fave [state] coworker and she is so, so lovely. i love her, truly, from the bottom of my heart. you can just tell how much she cares about our members and I learn so much from her. and she comes across as blunt often, but she's always saying things that need heard. sometimes, it's with imperfect language. we were just talking about a trans member who had stopped seeing his gynecologist because, in his words, he's trans and didn't need to see a gyno - and had discovered he had ovarian cancer. my coworker was using she/her pronouns for him - not great! - but she was trying to get the group to focus on what barriers there were to that gynecological care, the ovarian cancer. they kept getting on her for the pronoun thing, which, yes, i also told her that if you're unable to hear the preference from the person themself, opting for the gender they're transitioning to (and this isn't "optimal language" i'm using, but it's where my coworker is at) is better. but she was right about trying to focus on helping the actual situation.

i talked it through with her and about my experiences with being out at work but not with my family, about whether there's trans-friendly gynecologists at all in the member's area or if there was trauma there (how likely that is!). and she immediately lit up talking about how awful it is that providers will claim they are trauma-informed or whatever and then fall short. she cares. she gets it, on some level. her use of she/her was a misguided attempt to express in the only way she knew how to focus on the issue of a person not receiving adequate care and needing support through cancer treatment. despite her ignorance, she was doing her damnedest to be this person's best advocate.

and she was so grateful and open to talking through the complexities! it is in fact important to validate to allies that it is hard sometimes to know what pronouns to use when a coworker is out at work but not in the community but that's part of why we do it anyway, because it's hard and important. she cares so much about trying to keep up with terminology she's unfamiliar with and not being seen as bigoted but she's not got a lot of experience talking to people in contexts where she can really learn. and she talked about being black and knowing as an adult culturally her family and friends just didn't openly talk about being trans or queer but she knows there were and are people who are and were. i brought up the complexities of how race plays into gender and transness, where black women can be denied "true" (quote unquote) womanhood because of their race and so how does that factor into being familiar or not with trans experiences? and if you're not white and you're trans, the ways in which you might be denied a gender you're not IDing with, but that's, well, intersectionality. and she had a lightbulb moment, i think, because i don't know she's ever had anyone say it in a way she's allowed to have something in common with. solidarity forever is the way.

there are a lot of willfully ignorant people, but if you connect with someone who's falling short on the "right" words and language and feelings, there are plenty who want to understand better but don't, who want to keep practicing, who care about you even if they don't know how best to show it. i'm really lucky to know people who keep reminding me of that, and who i know want a better world for the youth they serve.

[weaverlings]

memorial

so this was definitely the @cecilos-week prompt I struggled with the most, although I think it may in fact be one of the better pieces I’ve turned out/end up turning out for this.

I guess it’s more “Night Vale” than “Interloper” although my original conception of it was geared more toward... an instance of Cecil maybe feeling a bit like an outsider himself?

it ends on a pretty positive note! but the best idea I can give you of the tone is probably just: this is immediately after The Hierarchy of Angels

                                                      - - - - - -

Grief was not such a complicated thing, while it was fresh.

It manifested in different ways, some which were small and tearful, and unfolded into the vast, messy thing most people thought grief to be. Some which were almost grand, but hollow, gilded and silent, and which filled in over time. With grief. Or with your other feelings, which were pieces of grief's more complicated and final shape, but no one had told you that, so you hated these pieces as wrong, as something other than what you were supposed to be feeling according to the shapes other people had drawn for you.

Some of which were screaming, plunging down at over one hundred miles per hour. Knees touching under guardrails, and hands joined over knees, hands tight together with the same feelings they screamed. Joy and sorrow and the emotion that was sheer, implacable velocity in the gut.

Down somewhere below them were thin splashes of color, the flowers that they and other mourners had left at the foot of the sculpture. Cecil had never felt lower than in that moment. Not that he could recall, which admittedly left a fair amount of his life open. But, standing there, of course. Of course he had felt low, standing before a metal tower so many times his size, before a sculpture that twisted apart the sky above him. It did not exist on a scale that he could imagine interacting with. It was so much bigger than him, such a complicated thing.

Like grief, he thought. Not incorrectly, just at the wrong time.

He was wrong about the scale of it, though. Not even half an hour later, the tall, winged attendant had helped him and Carlos into their seats. Cecil's arm still felt detached from the rest of him, where the attendant had accidentally brushed it, leaking a little divine power onto his sleeve. It gave an extra edge to his screams as they tore down the sculpture's final drop, not merely interacting with, but participating in it. Breathlessly, joyfully, agonizingly participating in it.

And all of these things were part of his grief, he thought, as he and Carlos staggered together back onto the platform, laughing with what little breath they had recovered. And he was right, because no one could tell him what shape his grief could take. Only he had a say in this.

Cecil pulled Carlos aside by the exit, taking him by both hands, pressing their clasped fingers together between their chests as they kissed over and over. Each lightly touching his lips to the others', and to cheeks and foreheads. Still laughing, but now there were tears on their cheeks, now that they had the air to cry. Other riders slipped out around them, some sparing them a fond or understanding glance, but most just passing through the gate.

"Thank you, Carlos." Cecil spoke with their faces only an inch apart, his hand on the back of Carlos' head to hold them together. "I need to get going, but I'll see you later tonight. I had a… a good time. I'll see you later, okay?"

"What?" Carlos said, not really a question, not even a statement of surprise. Just a beat where anxiety knocked the silence out of him. "No. I know what."

And then Carlos put his arms around Cecil, hugged him with his eyes squeezed shut, his hands tight together between his husband's shoulder blades.  "I want you to know something. That thing is: your show tonight was beautiful, and I'm proud of you for it."  

"Thank you. I should have said it before… I should have said something, but-" Cecil bit his lip. "Or no. No. There's no point to thinking like that. Is there?"

Carlos shook his head, nuzzling into Cecil's chest with the movement. "No. There isn't."

"Okay. Listen, I know you're going to worry - I'm worried, too, about what I said, and... about… even more that I haven't. But not about the City Council. I know how to deal with the City Council. So, try not to worry too much tonight?"

"I'll do my best." Carlos looked up, and said mildly, "It's a pretty good best. Yours is, too, and I know that that is exactly what you're doing."

Cecil laughed, a single, humorless syllable. "Yes. And there'd be even less point, like a negative point - a hollow, or maybe a concave? - to worrying about if it will be enough…" His breath caught, and he rested his face in Carlos' hair, taking a moment to recover in the friendly scents of lavender shampoo and bright chemicals. "But. But I am, Carlos. I've never… I mean, no, it's not like I've never… It was so easy, earlier."

Carlos leaned in further, at an angle that made it easier for Cecil to rest against him in turn.

"It was sweet, you know? You were so excited, and, oh, honey-voiced honey… You could really hear how much you loved her. How much you still do. So. It's okay if it's not easy right now. I think it will be easy sometimes, and difficult at others, maybe more difficult than in this moment, even. Which means, I am not trying to discourage you - I just don't think it would help to - in scientific terms - sugarcoat it. Still, let me say something I mean just as much to encourage you: I'm here for you. No matter what you need to say about it, I love you."

“That’s right. I love her, and that won’t change. And so I will do this. For her. And for Night Vale. And for...” He brought one hand up, curving his hand to fit against Carlos’ cheek.

“For me?”

Cecil sighed, and nodded. "Carlos. Dear Carlos. Beautiful and imperfectly perfect. Filling my head even now with romance and disbelief and wonder at just how much one person can matter to another. I love you."

He kissed the top of Carlos' head. There was a cough from past the exit, and they turned just in time to see a secret police officer ducking back behind the wall.

Cecil rolled his eyes. "Okay, I really do need to go. I'll be home before you know it."

Carlos considered this statement and nodded. "Statistically, that is likely. It will depend where I am in the house, and what I'm doing - if I'm in the living room, I'll hear you, and know exactly as you come home. And I'll come see you. But if I'm in the bedroom, or in the kitchen and doing something there that involves moving pots or utensils, which most activities in the kitchen require, I may not. So, in that instance, you would definitely be home before I knew it. Whatever this order of events - see you later, Ceec."

Cecil stepped away to meet his escort. They came apart slowly, even so, arms stretching to their full lengths and fingers disentangling deliberately. Carlos waved as Cecil went through the gate, and Cecil blew him what would be their last kiss - at least, for the next several hours.

[apolllloo]

nicole.

I’VE SEEN BETTER DAYS.

apollo could remember the day clearly. it was a typical wednesday, a day just like every one day. axe had missed the bus again, either that be on purpose or the thirteen year old was just that thick headed that the alarm didn’t get through to him - whatever the reason was, axe and him were yet again tardy which brought yet another letter to their mother arising concern for their uncanny talent of being late. it something their mother wouldn’t get the chance to read. i learned to sign her name at the age of five.. it was just another white envelope added onto the growing mountain of over due bills that seemed to grow bigger while the number of hours his mother was working lessened. apollo couldn’t help but wonder what would be turned off the month, electricity or water. 

SO UNAFRAID IN MY YOUTH.

everything was normal, imperfectly perfect - if  his eyes hadn’t made contact with a certain crying angel near his locker. maybe if i hadn’t helped her to the nurse at the age of nine - we would have never gotten themselves into this situation. apollo hugged his weeping angel, rocking her just slightly before asking the question that would change the course of his life forever. a meteor crashing into their lives at the wrong time, too soon for the two seventeen year olds. the meteor had a name. his name? ryder james murphy.

fuck.

I CAN’T BREATHE, MUCH LESS BELIEVE

nicole had always had a hard time with ryder. it was never that she didn’t love her son, her small bundle of joy. no, it just wasn’t what she wanted. the pregnancy had been hard on her petite frame. her alcoholic father kicking her out, causing one more person to be housed under the murphy roof. apollo always looked on the bright side of things. he worked toward the future, one with his family fully supported and happy with everything they could ever want. that was apollo’s dream and he did everything he could to achieve it. even if that had meant he had to drop out of swimming - something that could’ve gotten him an almost free ride to any college he wanted so he could pick up another job over night at the gas station on the corner, just to try to save money for their big move out of ashland and to new york.

YOU’RE GETTING EVERYTHING YOU HAD.

it would’ve been more than a small bluff if apollo had said he wasn’t incredibly t i r e d. between his classes at NYU. i had always wanted to be a psychiatrist much to my girlfriend’s dismay. she was always pushing me to do better, and better, and B E T T E R. what she didn’t understand was just how hard i had busted my ass to even be able to pay for our move to the city. and the two jobs he had taken to working between those classes. JUST so nicole wouldn’t have to. everything apollo had done in the past two years had been for nicole, but it felt more and more lately that nothing was enough. the past two years had drained the man, but he was determined to never give up on his dream.

EVERY LITTLE THING YOU HAD.

the date was january fifth. exactly seven days until mister ryder turned the old age of one. apollo was excited, birthday’s had always been one of his favorite days. the small boy had such an excitement and positive view of the world around him. always smiling and giggling. you couldn’t help but smile and feel good when you were in the presence of ryder. well, at least, apollo felt so.

A PURE LOVE UNREHEARSED.

the sharp winter hair cut through his nostrils as he briskly walked through the streets. the warmth of his coffee seeping into his hand, warming it from the outside. their home was a run down apartment building. it was small, one bedroom and a laughable sized bathroom, but it was home to apollo so he’d never complain. he rarely complained - that was nicole’s job. complaining about the weather, their bills, rent, her classes, her job, or how much ryder’s medicine cost them. the child was prone to getting ill. i swear he’s been sick more times than he’s been unsick. but apollo could understand. this was stressful, being on their own, hundreds of miles from home was really getting to the both of them. nicole never complained before ryder, so apollo wasn’t very sure why the non stop complaining started after.

I’VE SEEN YOUR BEST AND YOUR WORSE.

his keys jangled in the lock. the lock was always getting stuck, meaning he had to try more than once to try and open that creaky wooden door. the hinges needed oil, squeaking loudly as apollo pushed the door open. something seemed off from the moment he had entered their tiny apartment. the air almost felt thick as he walked through the space. ryder was crying in his crib well it was more like screaming briskly, the tall male made his way towards the crib, picking up the crying child with a coo. the small boy’s face colored red with big crocodile running down his chubby cheeks.

“now, what seems to be the matter buddy?” 

apollo bounced the boy in his arms, his brain completely focused on soothing his distressed son. his screams raspy from the amount of time he had been crying. soon a bottle calmed his screams of displease almost instantly. his small body tucked against his chest.

AND AT YOUR WORST, YOU’RE STILL YOUR BEST.

it wasn’t until his son had calmed had he began to wonder where exactly nicole was. a wave of anger ran down his spine. how dare she leave their son screaming in his crib like that. how D A R E she.

“nicole?” he called out from his place in the kitchen, beginning on his search for his blonde haired girlfriend. 

“nic, this isn’t fucking funny. he was screaming.”

there wasn’t many places she could have disappeared to in their apartment. her shoes were still by the door, phone on the nightstand. she was here. he gave a huff of annoyment, coming face to face with a closed bathroom door. the only place she could be. he could hear the shower running from out here, yet no singing nicole as per usual. to be polite he knocked on the thin wooden door - no response.

 the handle - l o c k e d. 

at this point apollo was angry, beginning to pound at the door. 

“what the FUCK  nicole! open the damn door!”

BUT AT MY BEST, I AM MY WORST.

five minutes later, apollo had begun to get frantic as he pounded at the door. hollow thuds echoing around the silent apartment. apollo only receiving radio silence in return. what was she doing in there? why did she refuse to even make a sound in response to his relentless pounding at the door? there were too many thoughts swimming through his brain. so many dark thoughts flooding from the deepest and darkest parts of his skull. 

‘i am pushing this door down’ he thought before there was a sudden loud crash and the wooden door came crashing into the small bathroom.

“nicole what the -” 

he stopped. his body instantly going cold, pale skin becoming even paler at the sight below him. 

there was the love of his life. the only girl he had ever looked at. there she was laying there lifeless in the bathtub. the stream of water now gone cold, plastering her clothes to her skin. her skin was pale, head tilted against against cold tiled wall, eyes open, indefinitely staring at the white tiles. the once joy filled, love filled blue eyes now cold and lifeless.

the pills she had used scattered across the tilted floor in the bathroom. 

apollo sunk to his knees, reaching forward to shut the water off. a sob filled breath escaping his chest, unable to tear his eyes off of the lifeless body of an angel in the shower. 

a man shattering to pieces on the bathroom floor as everything began to crash down around him in that small and cold bathroom. 

I AM A CURSE.

[punkwhodrinkstea-blog]

Addicted to Solitude (+Rant)

Hello web surfers, It’s been awhile since my last post so let me just start with a quick update. E3 has been a joy to watch though a bit underwhelming in regards to new games but the Virtual reality games are coming in nicely. Xbox is adding backwards compatibility to the Xbox One for the original Xbox which is awesome. Nintendo surprised me with a few good games unlike the past 9 years where the only good games are Zelda or… nope that’s pretty much it. The new Assassins Creed Origins, Battlefront 2, Far Cry 5, Project Cars 2 and LIFE IS STRANGE season 2! Are on my watch list. I am doing my best to not buy any games but depending on how many hours I work over the summer, I just may cave in get one or two. A game that really saddened me was “The Crew 2”. I was a huge fan of the first game and I was so excited for a second one and I thought for sure it was going to be a ‘must buy’ for me but they seemed to have taken the game into a new direction. Instead of building on street racing and the social side of co-op and PvP racing, they added boat racing, plane racing and dirt bikes. Now dirt bikes I’m cool with but seriously, who wants to race a boat or a plane? Anyway I’ve gotta stop going on about gaming… it’s just so awesome. Anyway my depression has been numbed I guess, I can still feel it and I’m sure it’ll strike and haunt me anytime but with all the excitement  of E3 along with busy school stuff right now a few other fun plans, there hasn’t been much time for me to stop and hate myself. Except now I’m thinking about it… hmmm let’s move on. The last update is about how I came across more evidence to support the theory that my parents and siblings are a major contributor in my depression. I got into a few different fights with my parents and/or siblings, within a span of 4 days. The results were me wanting to cut myself and the only thing that stopped me was that my girlfriend wouldn’t want me too. It does make for a great coping method but it’s not healthy. Next is my sister she’s a special type of evil, she’s was around this past weekend and dang I would need to dedicate an entire post towards how evil, mean, judgmental, degrading and toxic she is. The worst part is that she has everyone fooled, she acts so nice and perfect and socially acceptable and complies with all social norms when people are watching but around the house she rips on me like it’s her day job. Also she does it right in front of my parents too and they say nothing! Actually they are more likely to join her, they’ve done that several times. No wonder I feel worthless and hate myself, everyone who says they love me (lies) rips me down and tears me apart. I don’t feel socially, emotionally or mentally safe here. I’m at the point where before I open my mouth I ask myself “is this 100% required to be said” and if the answer is no then I say nothing. If I word something imperfectly I will get a lecture and be told I suck at socializing or I suck at English. If I spill a glass of water then I’m clumsy and uncoordinated. If I ask for the car to see my girlfriend (which is less than once a week) then I’m selfish and entitled. If I eat some food which is expensive (basically any fruit or meat) then I’m hogging all the good food. If any sound comes from my room: music, game sounds, loud laughter then I am inconsiderate of my sister who is watching netflix or listening to music in her room adjacent to mine (but it’s ok to hear hers because my parents like her genre of music). If I use the bathroom and someone else needs it then I am inconsiderate but if I need to use the bathroom and someone else is using it then I need to either plan better or wait my turn. (waiting my turn is fine, as should everyone, but this double standard really gets to me). I have a brother too but he moved out… but he may be moving back in once we move to our new house, I guess I’m just gonna live in a certain stage of hell because he’s no better. My parents and my siblings just beat up on me at every chance they get and call it “constructive criticism” which some times it can be but 99% of the time it’s just straight up bullying and there’s nothing I can do about it. I mean what can I do when my parents, the people with all the power and authority don’t even see how unjust everything is. I can’t wait to move out. Heck if I could move in with my girlfriend and her family I would. There’s just several problems with that… it’s a bummer. Anyway this kinda turned into a rant. Let’s move onto the other thing I noticed.

 So folks, I noticed that I’m addicted to solitude and after reading the paragraph above you can imagine why. I go through great efforts to avoid my family and most people. I was at a church meeting and a work meeting this week and both times I sit in the far back corner and do my best to look unfriendly (not mean just not socially friendly) so that no one will sit next to me, or near me. It works well and when I get home I go to my room with a headset on. I am almost always alone in silence. Writing, reading, working on art or gaming which has sound. I sometimes listen to music but I am trying to cut it out so I am not too over stimulated. I found that over stimulation and especially loud environments and sounds encourage my depression to kick in and make me suffer more and more so I’ve cut back on music. I no longer even care to try and be social. I just crave to get back to my room and disappear. The only time I’m happy and free to leave is when I’m going to see my girlfriend, she really has become the closest person I have to family and so has her family, though I’m not totally sure where I stand with her dad but I’m not sure if I am free to go into details nor do I want to. I really savor my peaceful, quiet, alone time when I’m at home because at any moment my brother could walk through the door; “hey big guy” or hey little buddy, I’m here to tell you that you’re wasting your life, I mean I don’t know anything about you but you like videogames and I’m perfect so I can tell you that you’re a waste”. Or my sister could be home and tell me to shut up, yeah she straight up tells me to shut up if I say something that she simply doesn’t want to hear; because obviously she has total control over everything or if I use a plate or cup I am basically crucified for it because that’s an extra dish which needs to be washed like big whoop it’s a freak’n cup! I could go on and on about this but I’m gonna try and stop now. Anyway about solitude. I read somewhere that solitude actually can be addicting, however I have a feeling it’s not any different from other things that seem to be addicting. For example alcohol is not addictive in itself but avoiding your problems or temporarily forgetting your problems by using alcohol can make the use of alcohol addictive. Now you only become addicted alcohol because you are trying hard to avoid or forget your problems. I am using excessive solitude for that same reason, though my problem is the environment made by my parents and siblings actions, words and overall mindset towards me. It really sucks living somewhere where no one knows you. My parents didn’t know I liked to write until I told them, they still thought I liked playing Call of Duty when I haven’t played Call of Duty since 2013 (4 years ago!), they still think I’m violent even though I haven’t got in a real fist fight since elementary school (over 7 years ago). The only thing they know about me is that I love chicken fingers… who doesn’t? They’re the best. Anyway I don’t have much more to add about my love/addiction for being alone since it’s pretty simple to understand and I think I’ve done enough ranting for one night.

 So I end things off, I thought I should mention that I am still working on my book, I’ve just been super busy with school, E3 gaming stuff and a few other life events the past week or two. Also  I realized recently how lucky I am that I never got addicted to cutting, I may have my girlfriend to thank for that… but it feels so good… no wait what! No. Never mind. I should go, I’m gonna go eat chicken fingers now for a 3am DESERT! : )    Good night everyone and sorry for being so ranty… actually never mind this is my blog, I can rant as much as I want. Peace out!      

[sparknewthinking]

When I read  book I really like/enjoy/benefit from, I feel compelled to share it with others. One way I can do that here is to share with you the passages that resonated with me the most — the ones I literally ran over with my bright yellow highlighter.

I’ve been a big fan of Jonathan Fields, the founder of Good Life Project, for a while. We have a similar outlook on life, and yet I always learn something when I experience his work. He’s not only written a few great books, he has one of the few podcasts that I’ve kept in my playlist for multiple years and still listen to every episode.

Jonathan’s latest book is called How to Live a Good Life. It’s part how-to manual, part memoir, and all good advice. If you’ve followed my work for any length of time, I know this book will resonate with you, too.

My Top 10 Highlights From How to Live a Good Life

“For years, if not decades, we’ve been living with an undiagnosed condition: Reactive Life Syndrome. Living each day not by choice, but by default.”

“If you don’t have your health, we’ve all heard, you don’t have anything. You can’t buy your way out of a tumor. Or depression. Or illness. Or pain. You can’t feel alive, happy, and joyful when your body is abandoning you. And you can’t drink in all that life has to offer when your body is limited in its capabilities. Not only that, but a vital body is the vessel for that three-pound bundle of consciousness called your brain, the thing that processes whether you’re living a good life or not. The thing that feels and chooses, that controls your organs, systems, and movements. There is a powerful feedback loop between your mind and body.”

“By the time we reach adulthood, we’re so distracted by the pull of speed, connectivity, expectations, and rules, we lose the ability to see and experience what’s right in front of us. We become 99 percent unaware, and in doing so we lose the ability to choose and to act rather than react. By the way, those who tap into that 1 percent, who are awake and aware, not only tend to own their own lives but end up running the world.”

“There is a certain heaviness that seeps into every part of life when you walk through each day trying to be someone else. The energy put into hiding who you are and then building any number of alter egos to satisfy society’s expectations of who you are eventually becomes crushing. You may be able to keep up the illusion of survival or even joy for a short time, but in the end it always drags you down. The longer you wear the mask, the harder it is to keep up the facade, to muster a modicum of civility, let alone joy. At some point, you have to choose. Will you continue to hide, living under the weight of expectation, or allow yourself to be seen?”

“It’s stupid to be safe. Because ultimately, usually whatever that is, wherever you don’t want to go, whatever that risk is, whatever the unsafe place is, that really is the gift that you have to give. . . . And whatever you think is just going to be pleasing, and whatever you think will make people like you, that’s not your gift.”

“Life’s greatest moments live in the space between desire and attainment.”

“There is no perfect moment. No time when you will know enough to guarantee you will get what you want. No time when you’ll be 100 percent sure that you’re ready to have a child, fall in love, take a job, move cross-country, build a business, show your work, stand in your truth, pursue your dream. Still, at some point, imperfectly informed, with butterflies in your belly, you’ll still need to act.”

“Simple truth: fast and busy are a choice.”

“Rolling breathlessly from one digital dopamine hit to the next isn’t a sign of being alive and informed. It’s not a sign of being connected and engaged. It’s a sign of being a digital junkie.”

“Real happiness comes not when you choose to be happy, but when you discover the things that will make you happy and then do them.”

More highlights below…

BONUS HIGHLIGHTS

Ok, there are WAY more great quotes in this book than just ten. As usual, when I find a book I love, I have a very hard time picking my top 10 favorites, so I’m including the rest of my highlights here.

“I came to understand that we are all capable of contributing to the world in a way that makes a profound difference. A rare few go big. Make the big gesture. Take the big risk. Expose themselves on a grand scale. Create and then ride the big wave. But most of us, myself included, take a different yet equally valid path. It’s the path of the ripple. Simple actions, moments, and experiences. Created, offered, and delivered with such a purity of intention and depth of integrity and clarity that they set in motion a ripple that, quietly, in its own way, in its own time, expands outward. Interacting with, touching, mattering to people we’ve never met in ways we never conceived.”

“Complexity is a leech on my soul. I want to do epic things. I want to “go big.” I want to matter. But I also want to be able to breathe. And sleep. And allow as often as I incite. That’s where the ripple comes in. It gives me a way of thinking about making meaning (and money— hey, I’m a realist) on the scale that supports my good life while keeping it simple. Instead of a company, I’ll write a book or give a talk. Instead of a large organization, I’ll license my ideas. Instead of having to be in the middle of everything, I’ll surround myself with people who are natural-born complexity sponges.”

“Exercise and movement. There are perhaps no better therapies for nearly everything that ails us.”

“Moments of adversity, when things get hard and you need to be able to push through, rather than run, exist in nearly every part of life. If you run and hide every time you bump up against one, you end up closing the doors to what are often the most beautiful, though challenging, parts of life.”

“Over the next 24 hours (and hopefully beyond), any time you find yourself thinking, “I’m not good at this, I can’t do, I don’t have the capacity to [fill in the blank],” add the word yet to the end. Remind yourself that your ability to do almost anything is about your willingness to invite, engage with, and learn from challenges and tests. The faster path to improvement and success is to embrace rather than run from adversity. Think about every opportunity to do something you can’t yet do, to learn something you don’t yet know, as a gift. A success catalyst.”

“The question you always need to ask when thinking about belonging to a new group is whether the value of what you’re being asked to give up is exponentially exceeded by what you’re going to get in return. If the answer is yes, lean in. If it’s no, run like hell.”

“Spend more time looking into someone’s eyes than you do looking over their shoulders.”

“What if you don’t so much have a passion or purpose as much as you pursue something, or a bunch of things, with passion and a sense of purpose?”

“Rather than working entirely on the job of fixing what’s wrong in our life, Seligman argues, if we understand our strengths, then build as much of our life as possible around them, much of what’s wrong seems to fall away. We feel like we’re tapping the most essential positive parts of ourselves to contribute to the world in a way that makes us feel immensely satisfied. We begin to become our strongest, most aligned, best selves. We come alive.”

“Epic is as much the ripple as it is the wave. But the way we talk about it, the way I’d framed it, implies the only way to live an epic life, to contribute meaningfully, to matter, is to go big. Not only is that wrong, but for many it’s crippling.”

“In order to fill our Connection Bucket, we need to find and be with “our people.” Those we can love and those who’ll love us back. Those we can befriend and play and laugh with. Those who will serve as a source of acceptance, allegiance, and belonging. In other words, those who just plain get us.”

“There is no magic to awesome outcomes. Whether we’re looking to build a great career, a great relationship, great health, or a great life, it’s all about consistent action over time. It’s about coming back after things blow up, over and over and over.”

“We are wired to focus on the sucky side of life. Scientists call it the negativity bias. We latch onto the stuff that goes wrong and refuse to let go, sometimes for years. Meanwhile, the stuff that goes right we barely acknowledge. This can lead to a pretty warped situation. From the outside looking in, we’re living awesome lives and everything seems to be going right. But from the inside looking out, all we see are the stumbles or negative experiences. The drag can become obsessive and even, poorly handled, pull us toward not just pessimism and compulsion but anxiety and depression.”

“Most people will find you interesting if you are deeply interested in them. Stop thinking about what to talk about; start thinking about what to ask.”

“Here’s the thing about ideas. They’re worthless. Okay, so maybe they’re not worthless, but they don’t matter unless and until you do something with them.”

“Picasso said it beautifully: “To know what you’re going to draw, you have to begin drawing.” Get out of your head. Draw. Play. Move. Love. Hug. Ask. Write. Speak. Test. Make. Build.”

“Leaving anything, even something you hate, will cause a certain amount of pain and disruption, both for you and for anyone else who counts on you. The more you’ve built around the money and security of your current career, illusory as both may be, the more the pain of blowing it up. Few people are willing to endure that, no matter how much the pain of staying eats at their soul. So they just sit tight and suffer.”

“As author and visionary thinker Derek Sivers offers, ‘If information was the answer, then we’d all be billionaires with perfect abs.'”

“The single most powerful driver of action and success is social support. Put another way, we need people to keep us accountable to even the most enjoyable actions in life. And not just any people; we want people who are along for the ride, on the same great adventure as us. People who get what we’re doing because they’re doing it, too. Together we provide love, support, accountability, celebration, insight, and belonging.”

“You’ve been busy, so busy, you really must be important. You’ve gotten so much done. But you can’t remember a thing you’ve accomplished. You feel like your checklist for tomorrow is already longer than what you started with today. And very little of it is meaningfully connected to anything you care about.”

“When we were kids, we ran around all day, climbed, danced, rolled, threw, caught, wiggled, jumped, cartwheeled, and kicked our way through the day. We worked hard, really hard, and loved it. The only reason we stopped is because we had to. Homework or dinner called us in. For those who played sports, there was the added experience of camaraderie, collaboration, shared effort, friendship, and belonging. We didn’t call it exercise back then; we called it play, and we couldn’t get enough. Our job today is to turn exercise back into play. To change repetition and boredom into novelty and engagement. To turn isolation and intimidation into friendship and belonging. To turn forced participation and futility into craved activity and transformative results.”

“Hike, ride, surf, trail run, Hula-Hoop. Join a group, team, or club. Take different classes. Whatever it is that makes you want to do more, find it, then do it.”

“A recent study revealed sleeping less than six hours a day for two weeks has an effect on your brain similar to blowing a 0.10 on an alcohol test, which would make you too drunk to drive.”

“The secret to long-term success in any endeavor is not magic but sustained action over time. And we don’t do anything for long unless (1) it is easy to start and (2) we can keep doing it long enough for it to become a habit. The more we repeat something, the more automatic it becomes. And, here’s the thing: once we’ve built that basic behavior into our lives and it has become a habit, the duration and intensity often expand on their own.”

“There’s this odd irony in life. I wish it weren’t so. Every breakthrough is preceded by great uncertainty.

I believe that talent matters, but when it comes to success in nearly all parts of life, effort and a willingness to ask for help are far more determinative.”

“We choose to go fast and be busy because we think it’ll get us what we want. All too often, it doesn’t. Fast and busy makes life brittle. It makes us feel like every inch of space in life is locked in and there’s no room to move. Instead of unlocking productivity and potential, it throttles both. It deludes us into feeling like we’re getting more done faster, but in reality, we could get the same done in the same or less time with more grace by dialing it back, not forward. In the end, we’re left feeling dissatisfied and helpless to extract ourselves from the process. Except we’re not. It’s all an illusion.”

“Find the right people, then find or create a way to be with them in a setting and context that allow you to leave feeling filled up, rather than emptied out.”

“Knowing your social orientation is important in your quest to fill your Connection Bucket. It lets you better understand what types of social settings will allow you to flourish, both personally and professionally. It helps you understand which people and conversations will fill you up and which are likely to empty you out. It also gives you a much better sense of how to move into and out of social situations, how to connect with and step away from people in a way that leaves you feeling energized and connected, rather than gutted and disconnected.”

“Belonging begins with safety. There needs to be an understanding, either explicit or strongly implied, that this is a place and a relationship where you feel safe enough to be the real you.”

“We spend so much time looking into our own palms, we’ve forgotten what it means to look into one another’s eyes.”

“Having people in our lives to love and be loved by changes everything.”

“Commit yourself fiercely to doing something every day to fill your Vitality Bucket. The more optimized your mindset, the easier it becomes to stay positive and full in the face of potentially draining interactions.”

“Conversation is the gateway to connection.”

“Set your intention to give, not take.”

“Thing is, we can’t make good decisions until we know what matters to us. Until we have some sense of what’s important, what we believe, what we value. When we know these things, decisions get easier. Something’s either aligned with our values and beliefs, or it’s not. If it’s aligned, it’s a yes. If not, it’s a no. If we have two options, both well aligned, we choose the one that’s a better fit.”

“Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. For the most part, the way you become really good at something or develop some level of expertise is to work really hard at it. That level of effort is most often fueled by something internal, your spark. But on occasion, and this happens more often when you’re younger, you or those around you will notice you have a natural affinity for something. So they push you to do it more and more, until eventually you become great at it. If the early, external pushes lead to a level of proficiency that starts to light you up from within, that’s awesome. But if the only reason you’ve become good at something is because someone else forced you to— and maybe continues to force it on you— then doing more of it may not, in fact, lead you to feel better. It may do the opposite. So beware the source of mastery when you think about integrating more of what you’re good at into your life.”

“If you’ve spent your life being warned away from ever being the tall poppy or shining light in the room, going public with your great big self may trigger feelings of unease. But at some point, you’ve got to get comfortable with a simple truth: the pride that rides in the saddle of extreme competence is not, by default, arrogance or hubris.”

“If you are selfless to the point of self-sacrifice, at some point you run out of energy and resources to be able to contribute to others. Whereas people who are able to work toward their own goals, or at least keep their own interests in their rearview mirror when they’re helping others, are able to sustain their energy and their resources, and that allows them to give much more over time.”

“When we think about giving, we often think about grand gestures, setting aside hours or days to volunteer, mentor, or contribute to some person or group we want to see rise. Or we think about specific charities, foundations, and organizations to donate to. But giving even on the smallest level has power. So often, we miss the momentary opportunities to contribute, the countless moments to be generous, to help, to be of service in the moment, for a moment.”

“There’s this weird, counterintuitive thing we do when we’re working at a life-sucking job. Instead of becoming aggressively proactive in the name of making it as good as we can, we get relentlessly good at making it as bad as we can. We often have no idea how complicit we’ve become, that we’re actually a big part of the problem.”

Check out my other “book reviews”:

The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz

Start by Jon Acuff

Wellth by Jason Wachob

Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert

Ordinary Superpowers by Mark Henson

Creativity, Inc. by Ed Catmull

Life is Good, The Book by Bert & John Jacobs

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The post My Top 10 Highlights From How to Live a Good Life by Jonathan Fields appeared first on Mark Henson.