#the sad thing is... idek how to talk abt what's sad

[paradoxikaa]

a whole lot of whatever

[dockaspbrak]

A big thank you to my mutuals who like my nervous breakdown 2-4am posts. You're the backbone of my blog

[mangoposts]

girl i need to know ur thoughts on alahna. like for me i genuinely miss her sm bro and it makes me so upset that she still wishes they could be friends -but they’ve just like fully ignored the whole thing and have never said a WORD abt it whereas she’s constantly like reposting stuff about old friendships and such that’s def about them. also i always think about how like even IF they became friends again and like we all found out, there would always be like a sense of awkwardness knowing abt the friendship breakup. like obvi it’s happened before with youtubers and stuff where they’ve stopped hanging out but then a couple years later theyre friends again, but i really don’t know if i see that happening, and like she’s a childhood friend as well so it’s a bit different. ALSO it makes me so sad too how they make such an effort with nate and see him all the time, i just don’t get what happened with alahna like that’s my girlll. AND (sorry i keep thinking of more stuff), with the whole unfollowing thing that started it all, that really caught me off guard cos like they have other friends from boston who i bet they dont see that much, but they still have each other on insta, like there’s no need to fully remove them off all their socials ykwim?

also just another thing (IM SORRY😭) in regards to madi, i love her and think she’s so cute, and honestly by no means do i believe she’s replaced alahna cos their friendships were always so different, but for me no matter how close they get with her, it’s just not gonna compare to their childhood friendships, cos it’ll always be through her mom being their manager, so it lowks work related?? STAWP it sounds like i’m hating on her NO I LOVE HER PLS - and i do think their friendship with her is very genuine i’m just saying like the vibes i get are so diff to their boston friends

like in their videos with alahna/nate/chloe etc the friendships are just so real it just like makes me so upset bro idek( obvs it’s cos they grew up tg but yk😭😭)

sorry for this long ass rant ik its sooo not that serious and none of my business at all but like i genuinely mourn their friendship constantly ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

PLEASE.

PLEASE.

PLEASE.

DONT GET ME STARTED.

I don’t think anybody understand how much i love and adore alahna. No doubt i miss her ass soooooooooooooooooooo bad. I literally talk about it every single day it’s my disgusting roman empire i never stop thinking of her, I’ll die without ever knowing what happened between them. But im sure it was all for a reason, i know it doesn’t look like it makes sense but we weren’t there and we never know what goes down behind the scenes. I don’t think it was anything messy i don’t believe alahna has ever had bad intentions and she never will. But i mean it’s obvious something rough happened if they treat her that differently from the other friends in boston, ill never fucking knoooowwww and i have to get over it one day but i miss her so so so so so so sos is sos sosososowowowowowo BADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD. Fuck. Im not saying anybody is trying to compare, but nobody will ever compare. That’s all and if u don’t like alahna i hate you and block me

[my-castles-crumbling]

Hiiiiiiiiiiiiii Omg i havee SOOO much to tell and ask you its both sad and fun stuff, First off i wanna tell you that you are such an amazing person like seriously omggg how do u even exist like you must not be allowed away from heaven. Btw random: i heard u mention abt u in university so hows that going and whats ur majorr???? :)) And now the very very bad stuff: i messed up. not very uncommon you see, but very bad. my cousin whom i rllyyy love shes amazing shes like the andromeda to my sirius. nd my dad's side is very cruel to my mom before i ws born and they also shamed her for having a kid (my sis) that has problems (they refuse to tell me what it is but she has 2 problems idk the first one she has since birth and the second is that she had um.. men parts but when she was around 4/5 we founf out shes.. female? im a minor i rlly dont undersrand how ths works so..yeah. shes 8 now btw this year shes gonna be 9 y/o) basically very cruel people very very bad and so my cousin, whos from my dad's side, she came for like a sleepover thingy and my father commented on my mom's side and how they arent close to me even though they are my basucaly everything.. and in reply, i said how i like them and they are good and i said "my mums side is great... better than father side atlst" and she said "i can hear u yk" and i said that shes a excpetiion but when she wnt home she really felt upset and she had an exam but she stll didnt come to my house (my house is closer to her school so she stays here in exam time so it takes less tme in travelling) so my father cmpletly blamed me and now im so upset idek what to do i dont wanna apologize to her cz she doesnt know that i know that she said shes upset. my father confronted me about it and he got to jknow from my cousins mom so there was no direct contact but basically yeah thats it. i need help in what i should do to fix things again :( but this is the reason that simply talking wouldnt work and its rlly hard :( btw random: how do i start my microfic thing like do i just upoad a micfic or do i post smgthn else first if ykwim? another thing:

yeah idk but i think m bisexual and i have a bestfriend shes straight and supports lgbtq+ community but i rlly like her and cz were besties i dont wnanna ruin anything at all and im cool with how we r rn but at the same time i want more ykwim? and.. were like the touchy-feely kinda bestfriends so we hold hands n stuff as a joke nd people ship us and its so asdxdfgkhljhxx idek if i rlly like her as a frnd or i like her as in like like her.. but i also have a crush on a boy but it only lasts for 2 secs but when i see him again i start to thibk i like him again but my other rlly gud friend likes him so is it that i like hm and ignore my feelings js cs my frnd liks him or do i just like him as frnds,, idek were close we play games togheter n stuff but thtas about it..

also have i mentioned how much of an angel you are??? i literally scream and jump off a cliff casually when u reply to my texts <333 ilysm ur such a great person <333

xoxo, sweet potato <33

hi!

Aww you're so sweet! I'm not in university anymore, at least not in the traditional sense: I'm working on my master's degree. It's going.....not terrible lol. I'm majoring in ESL Education (English as a Second Language).

For your first question: I think this is a really good example of how talking through other people isn't the best solution. Do you have any way of getting in contact with your cousin directly? Because things are definitely going to be changed and exaggerated if you are talking through your aunt and dad. Once you talk to her, be truthful. Be sincere and tell her how important she is to you. I'm betting she'll come around.

For microfics: Nope, just go for it! You don't have to do anything beforehand, just start! I can't wait to see what you write!

For the last part: First, are you sure you friend is straight? If she definitely is, then yeah, it might not be worth it to say anything? But I mean, you could always try bringing it up casually. Like "Oh, I think you're really pretty!" and see what happens?

With the guy- I know it sounds cliche, but if your friend likes him, stay away. I've been there. I've seen friendships fall apart. It's not worth it, especially since you're not even sure of your feelings. I know I probably sound like a parent, here, but there was a full-on FEUD I experienced in eighth grade because two people were fighting over a guy and....yeah.

Thank you so much for the compliments, you're so nice!! <3 I hope you have a great day!

[loreofthegayuma]

Content: realizations on being a system this entire time

Ok wow. So the entire time the "i was nonverbal before but was traumatized" was the old host? ok yeah, that makes sense actually bcs ive never said it like i was changed. I always just say that the nasty ppl killed that person. I always say it like that... yet i still didnt get it

and i always say it like "yeah. the surroundings really needed me to be the perfect student (16yo) which also means a "social upgrade" thats why i erased the old me and transformed into that" you know.,, you know what?!??!

which is really sad actually. bcs idek if theyre still here at all. Idk how to feel abt that bcs it felt like it was one of our choices that lead to that.

this is like the wrong time to be dealing w a headache but im going to keep going...

I do think im semiverbal rn tho. But about the last time i was in college i was verbal. I'm sure because I never had any difficulty in expressing myself and being chatty with classmates and i was my most active in class during this time.

Another ig question yesterday that made me rethink everything is... "do you feel any attachment to your age?" Because. I was really consistently inconsistent with my answers throughout the years with this. Last year my sibling said that i said on multiple occassions that im a 30 something year old namekian (dragon ball) jokingly. But i said it a lot and i was happy saying that again and again. But when i was teased again two months ago with "hey 30yo namekian" i had a poor reaction to it. Like "ah hey, im not like that actually haha. Idk why i said that." But i was not cringing about it or anything. Just that: "oh yeah, that's weird. Why did i say that. Heh, my whimsy"

right now i can say that i feel like im beyond age. Like ofc i still change my age in my bio whenever my bday arrives. But it's not like i have any attachment to that age or to that bday. It was just something i needed to do to make sure i place a boundary on subjects that i can and cant talk abt w another person. It was a social responsibility.

But do i think i'm 26 right now? Do i feel like im currently 26??? I dont. I feel like im at a stale age thats beyond 100+. And wherever that number lies, im forever that age. That is so weird to me but it's the only way i understand it. Unlike when I was in college where I confidently even say "hah. actually i'm 25" when im not, i was so much younger than that that time. but i told that to all of my friends as a joke and they just always say "haha yeah, okay sure" bcs it was a harmless one

THE BIGGEST ONE IG IS HOW, APPARENTLY, BEING NONHUMAN IS AN ACTUAL THING, YEAH, THANK THE GODS. GUESS WHO WAS CONSISTENTLY INCONSISTENT ABOUT THEIR ATTACHMENT TO "HUMANNESS" AND OTHER BEINGS THROUGHOUT THE YEARS?! GUESS WHO?!???

Not even 10000 years of rest can help me think this out i think

[taegularities]

So, about the fighting over jungkook's new album, i saw that too. You see, you guys a fanfic writer, a creator, that makes you guys artists too somehow. So lemme ask you a question;

Say you posted a snippet of your upcoming fic just some tags abt it, after coming out of long long writer block, the fic was about some topic you never touched before. People went batshit crazy, calling you names, a sell out, lazy ass mf, how they didnt 'expect it' from you, but they havent even read the whole fic, let alone hearing to you out about the whole process?

so, what would you do about it? what would you FEEL about it?

Oh i bet you'd feel awful, let down, confused, maybe a lil bit anger with attitude of "Oh you know what, I dont owe YOU anything. MY fic, MY story." or something along the line some of you writers always preach up, right?

Hell, yes. it is true. just like you people dont owe us anything, NEITHER does Jungkook. Whatever feeling you have abt the album thats NOT EVEN OUT YET, it's a YOU problem.

acting like you're on a high horse just bcs you think you KNEW better than him and then acting out when people confront abt it. you're the one who's disrespecting him. why does this happen everytime and why do some of you still care.

This ONE album does not ERASE Jungkook's and BTS history. it's just an album. If it doesnt 'vibe' with you no more then the way out is over there. Easy.

see, with messages like these i can never tell whether you're talking about a general 'you' or me specifically, too. bc the only thing i said was that i'm sad he didn't write or produce any of the songs bc i'm more a still with you kinda girly.. that's just my personal taste in music, and the songs he didn't write/produce were good but not 100% my style, is all. i'm still curious about his album and would never judge its sound when — as you said — idek what it'll be like.

your comparison to fics makes sense, and yes, most of us creators would be offended if someone said these things, but i still think people are allowed to say what they feel. i haven't seen anyone blatantly discredit or invalidate the work bts has done so far, and if they did, i'm sorry you had to see it. most of the discourse i've seen is more about ppl either not vibing with the album or others bashing others for not vibing with it. we all still love bts and consider them a safe space — one album will definitely not make anyone forget the things they've done for us. those who do... i don't claim those armys lol. and i think people can have opinions without thinking jungkook owes us anything, just like i know some ppl might not like my fics without thinking i owe them good stories, does that make sense? just. in general, as you mentioned, we should just stop caring about what other people think, yk.

bc if we told armys who are disappointed or not liking this phase to keep their opinion to themselves, ppl will stop expressing themselves altogether, and that's not fair. and i guess that's why armys are often scared to air their thoughts, too.

[sopebubbles]

omg ur reply got me all giggly & jumping up n' down on my seat!!

TNX U SM!!

tnx u 4 takin' your time to reply & esp to talk more abt the inner voices of y/n & explain all the details,differences & origins of them!!🥰🥰🥰

& now that ik it's a thing,i'm super excited to see how u will write the development of her voices & how her relationship w/ her inner child will change & what is going to be the catalyst of that shift in her!!

also how the voice in bold,the one that comes from having to internalise bigotry to learn her way around it in order to keep herself safe as much as possible,the one that "tells her not to do things that she needs but knows will get her in trouble, like nesting" that she needed up untill now to kinda protect herself in her specific toxic environment, i look forward to seeing how it will change from smth that she needs & depends on 4 her safety,to smth that she slowly learns to leave behind bc is actually holding her back from actually healing & finally being truly safe & happy

dw,i'll wait till the end of times to get to the point in the story where we get to see more of tae's sad past & jin's development & all the beautiful creative things u have /will have in store 4 us,at your own pace & w/ your own timing ofc!!🤗

i absolutely love hobi w/ all my might, but if he doesn't realise he needs to change some things in his dynamic w/ jin as to not indulge jin in feeling like his care & love 4 hobi justify any reaction & treatement he may have towards others,i'm gonna do it myself & put that alpha in a corner to reflect abt what he's doin'💀👉🚪

"Thats exactly what this story is about! Its bts so i feel like they’re perfect for a Love Yourself journey!" BTS fits perfectly this concept ofc,but it's the mastery of your execution & how well your able to mold a whole universe around it that is selling this story!! this concept already wrks nice bc it's bts, but the story is so succesfully immersive & captavating tnx to nothing but your own writng ability & how your mind wrks & then is able to put that down on a keyboard,to create such an amazing story!

the amount of thinking,details, parallelism, sensitive & intersectional topics treated very well & included smoothly into the plot & depth given to each character & their interactions is at the base of this story & it's a constant in your writing, which i'm sure i couldn't even catch all of it(srry 4 that😭) is what makes reading your wrk so mesmerising, like actually seeing the lives of the characters unfold & being a part of how they progress! it puts me in a position in which i can't help but be impressed by your talent & be passionate abt your creation & process behind it!!🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰

ps. i didn't bring him up cause i didn't want to turn half of my ask in me screaming abt how u wrote him!! cause i'm definitely madly in love enough as it is but u took it to a whole 'nother level.🤣

pps. saving ch 7 as a lil' treat 4 later^^

take care of your precious self & i hope you'r doing well!!💜💜💜😊

This ask just made me a blushing mess. Idek how to respond but i really appreciate you saying such nice things about my work 🥺 Im just so happy that it engages you and makes you think deeply about it. I honestly couldn't ask for more. And just thank you so much for generously sharing your thoughts with me.

You've really made my day and i hope you have a great one as well you beautiful human. 💕💕💕

[exactlysizzlingdonut]

I. JJTS FINISHED WATCHING MONSTER AND HOLYYYYYYY FUCK

IM SO SAD THAT THIS IS THE END 🙁

SPOILERS!!

NO WAY JOHAN ESCAPED AGAIN BRO HE'S GONNA FUCK EVERYTHING UP 💀

ALSO TENMA IS SUCH A SWEETHEART WHAT THE HELL.. JOINING DOCTORS WITHOUT BORDERS HES A GEM I CANT BELIEVE THE LACK OF TENMA CONTENT AFTER ALL THE GOOD THINGS THAT HE HAS DONE FOR EVERYBODY IN THIS SERIES

ABSOLUTE GEM OF A MAN I CANT EVEN EXPRESS HOW I FEEL ABOUT JIM WITHOUT SOUNDING FERAL AND CRINGE CRONGE (potential verbal appreciation post? It’ll probs be rotting in my drafts HAHSHD)

Also can we talk about how pretty Nina’s voice is when she’s serious, it really reminds me of nausicaa’s voice WHIHC IS A WIN WIN!

Really wanted to find out their real names

ALSO WHEN ROBERTO WAS ADOLF REIN WHATEVER??? THINKJNG ABOIT HOW GRIMMER WAS TALKING ABT HIS BESTIE OMG I NEARLY CRIED BRO.

THAT ALSO LEFT ME WITH MY JAW DROPPED BECAUSE NAW WHAT THE HELL HOW DO U EXPECT ME TO CASUALLY REGISTER THAT INFORMATION WHEN YOU DROP SUCH A BIG BOMB ON ME. AT LEAST WARN ME 😀

Johan being a menace to society (in the worst way possible) never fails to make me giggle

Adding on, Roberto is a meme of a character cos just when you think everything is going okay, he makes an appearance and suddenly you know damn well everything is not going okay anymore

ALSO I DIDNT KNOW GRIMMER WAS GOING TO FUCKING DIE??? WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ABOUT

FRANZ BONAPARTA BEING SUCH A SISSY,, GOING ON A MF TANGENT OF HOW HE FUCJED UP LIKE YEAH NO SHIT STFU

wim being so adorbs <33

EVA AND MARTIN BRO THEY HAD IT GOING;;;(;;(::-6;;) WHY DID HE HAVE TO DIE

Eva redemption arc I mean queen was lowkey killing it throughout the series.. sometimes questionable but otherwise ily (but I HATED how she treated tenma 😒)

NINA GETTING THE BEST SCORES GO YOU QUEEN YOU DESERVE IT

What was Johan and Nina’s mum doing bro- did that favouritism play a role in this outrage.. guess we’ll never know!

OH NOT TO MENTION MONSTER SOUNDTRACK SLAPS SOOOO HARD. SKIPPING THE OPENINB FEELS LIKE A CRIME. FULLY LISTENED TO THE ENDING IN THE LAST EPSODE BC YK I WANT TO GO OUT PROPERLY AND DAMN IT’S RLLY NICE? BUT I DONT THINK I WOULDVE BEEN ABLE TO LISTEN TO IT AT THE END OF EACH EP BECAUSE MAN THESE CLIFF HANGERS AND HOOKS MAKE ME GO FERAL FOR THE NEXT EP

WHENEVER “THE SEEDS OF TIME” STARTED PLAYING IN A SCENE I WOULD GET SO EXCITED IT’S PROBABLY MY FAV OST RN. OMG AND “Present” IT’S SUCH A CUTE OST AARGRGEGSGESHSGDFFEDD

THIS AJIME IS SO GOOD HOW COME I BARELY SEE OR HEAR PPL TALKING ABT IT… ???DEFINITELY TOP 3 BRO MAYBE EVEN TOP 2 (idek what my anime ranking list looks like 👹)

LUNGE CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT ARC REAL?? When he said he’d buy a beer for grimmer n they can talk about this whole case 💔💔

Nah Lunge was mad funny, his only personality trait was hunting tenma down,, then half way through the series he goes “I’ve made a fatal mistake 😗” n reconsiders his life decisions. The audacity,, and I was loving it.

Milan bro 😢 AND TENMA TELLING THE KIDS TO STUDY HARD AND NOT GIVE UP?? I NEED A TENMA IN MY LIFE.

DIETER IS SUCH A CUTIE PATOOTIE OMLLL

okay after some reflection johan saying "which one didn't she need" or stmhn like that at the end BAFFLED me. it made me really sad too

oh yeah HAHAHAHA johan being an iconic cross dresser. you can't tell me he wasn't rocking that outfit when he was with suk... also when he dressed as young anna HIS FACE WAS SO FUNNY "welcome back! :D" bro is so devious HEGHAHSDG

just thhnking about that tenma push up scene it had me giggling and swinging my feet OGH LET;S NOT FORGET WHEN HE WAS LIKE "good girl" TO NINA .... that's the stuff i want to hear frfr

on a serious note though, he's such a good father figure. this man would make the best father ever.. i've seen multiple comments saying that even johan saw him as a father figure and LORD DOES THAT MAKE ME UPSET :(((((

that nameless monster book spoke facts at the end tho, johan is such a beautiful name no joke

his hair looks so fluffy too

HAHA no how about the scream he scrumpt i was lowkey embarrassed like johan you can scream sm better than that.

idk why but he's so fine when he drops the ground- both times in the library and in the rain. i swear it's the hair and his back

yk this anime reminds me of that one tiktok sounds with the garden song that says "no matter where you are, everyone is always connected". it's quite cool to think about it holistically, but in a sense it's also so surreal, and even scary. this masterpiece is an extreme reflection of our world imo, with many elements of truth and reality. anyways i'll leave this kind of stuff for another post (draft lol). but honestly though, i really liked this series. maybe since it's older, it has that sense of authenticity?? not invalidating other anime series but idk. i really enjoyed it.

RAHAHGSHJDHFGHJG LET'S STAY TOGETHER BEING TENMA'S FAVOURITE SONG OMG THIS IS KILLING ME HES SO my heart is aching sm..

im jus reading about tenma's childhood rn :')

WAIT THETRS;S SOMETHING CALLED ANOTHER MONSTER?/ IS THIS A SEQUEL OR SMTHN... well yk what time it is then!

[lovemars]

hm. time to psychoanalyze myself i think. cw traumadumping cw long ass post cw oversharing 😭

the srs cws are talk of sex and stuff but in a sad way not a horny way, sa, men on the internet being gross, bad coping mechanisms, etc

like. idk. i was thinking abt this last night and now im thinking abt it more and like. i feel like. the way i appear in headspace and stuff is just. completely based after. OH MY GOD SOFT BOY CAME OUT? um. sorry it just came on shuffle. ANYWAY. 😭. i feel like how i appear and everything is just based off of like our brain trying to be attractive to- well men mostly. other genders nd stuff but mostly men Specifically cis men. and like. literally none of us actively want to have cis (esp cishet) men attracted to us ❤️. but its like, i know Why like i know its cuz one of my roles is a sexual alter and our brain made us appear the way we do in headspace as part of it trying to keep us safe etcetc WHATEVER i dont care 🫶. like. i literally even- like for instance when we were dating our ex i remember trying to like. be attractive to her and make her like me/us even tho like. i was uncomfortable as fuck and like. i did the same with redacted from irl and just didnt set boundaries at all- no thats not true we definitely did set boundaries. i was just bad at enforcing them- i guess cuz i was like. idk completely lost in this mindset of like, not being able to say no and not feeling safe and feeling like it was my only purpose inguess?

and then like- i also feel like. imean i dont really get the love languages thing but if i had to pick one it would definitsly be words of affirmation and like- i feel like. okay 😭. im not a good person by. whoever the fuck uhh. pat the bunny i think? plays in the background. like for years and by for years i mean ever since 4 days after i turned 18. my thing had been like. posting on reddit . in various subreddits that like, Well the men in them are not very nice to me or to women . and like. i feel like that ties back to the words of affirmation thing cuz i was like intentionally seeking out people who would hurt me (<- which also ties into being a persecutor). and i dont do it anymore because months in the getalong shirt with nik made me feel bad abt it 😭 and then i started to realize that i like when people are nice to me actually. and then i was like Huh maybe tjats not super healthy for me probably. (it is not). well and thats the reason im banned (by nik) from reddit and sex with cis people forever.

but like. 😭 SORRY THIS IS SO LONG. writing a damn novel here. ANYWAYYYY. the whole posting images on reddit dot com -> talk to creepy men on reddit dot com -> intense self hatred and shame -> nik fronts and freaks out and deletes everything -> i feel bad -> i do it again next time i feel like making myself feel terrible on purpose for fun Spiral. like. ive spent all this time gojng down that spiral and now its like. bro i jusr want someone to be nice to me. like i spent ages convincing myself that actually i didnt care abt the shit those men were sayinh & that i liked it and now im like. i literally dont. like. i dont wabt someone ive never spoken to who didnt even say hi or ask what im ok with to say like. waves hand. stuff im not repeating just make up something genuinely disgusting and a bit terrifying and ive probably heard it. and now i dont even KNOW like. what i want i guess. idek my sexuality cuz ive never bothered to think abt what i want cuz i was too focused on what people i dont like/am scared of/etc to think abt how i felt. which in retrospect. bad and scared and. etc.

anyway. idk its just dawned on me the other night how much of who i am is wrapped up in how much i want everyone to like me all thw time and also how much i dont like myself. and like im working on it. and if working on it means thinking about drm from minecraft youtube ******* ** ** ***** so be it i guess 😭. idk man if nik can read dr*amnotnap fic and call it coping i can thirstpost abt drm in my head. idk.

ig im just. now that im able to be more normal and rational and stuff im able to see like. damn i was really bad at dealing with my emotions and tried to do that in ways that were not healthy for me or anyone else. and now all my sense of. who i am is wrapped up in that i guess. which sucks. and im working on it . SLOWLY! but im working on it

tldr: damn this guy should probably talk to a therapist abt all this shouldnt he. well thats okay at least hes hot

[iwillneverforgiveyousunghanbin]

im actually doing a lot better these days (literally just for 2 days, but thats better than nothing) so thanks for wishing me luck.

i actually dont know that many Tauruses eirher... im not super into astrology so idek how theyre supposed to act . i just know that im super super compatible w taerae & thats all that matters 🤷‍♂️

ive been on the grind 💯 lagely so i barelt bave anh time to keep up w kpop and to vote and stfeam and check what jebi r doinf every second anymore. it makes me sad too bc i used to be rly obsessed (i still am bur significantly less) and id know their schedule and everything and check twt every day for updates. for boys planet too. Man in love genuinely changed the trajectory of my life like ik its basic but the momrnt i saw taerae do the hand thing it was over for me. now im a crazy kkultarae.

idrc abt jay tbh. he doesnt rly appeal to me but hes so talebted and so so good at singing. have u been watching build up?

xoxo 🎻

honestly, you're right. being compatible with taerae is literally all that matters. i promise i'm working hard (kinda, sorta) to get that taerae bully chapter out... i hope it's as devastating as i want it to be.

i'm not really a vote/stream kind of person so i understand. there's a lot to be done in life, but i appreciate everyone who does vote/stream to help out my faves. i just am kind of "march to my own drummer" in the way i support and just listen and watch variety content and write my little fics and stuff. but i wish i had more friends to talk to about kpop. it's hard to hold my tongue around my irl friends all the time 💀

i love jay bc he's a new jersey boy tbh. i live one state away so i could easily maladaptive daydream about bumping into him some day in the city 😭😭 i'm not watching build up, even though i like a bunch of the boys on it (i was a huge peak time fan last year too). but i don't want to see my faves stressed out anymore, i've had enough for now lol.

i'm glad you've been feeling better!! sending more positive energy your way 💕💗

[sunnybubblezzz]

feb 1st

okay so like.. we KNOW this past few months have been weird. i dont even know when it started. maybe it was the movie, maybe it was the paris thing, maybe it was on my birthday, i-i dont know.

but anyway on yesterday my brother told us that she invited him to her birthday party. it was kind sweet bc he felt bad about saying it cause i said that she didnt tell me about it..

my heart hurt.

i dont even know how to explain it. i was washing the dishes and all i could hear, all i could feel is my racing heart. it felt like.. anxiety? but it was weird bc idek why im anxious. i should be feeling super sad right? but i just feel. i feel. idk panicked if that makes sense.

ngl this is the first time im really dwelling on it since then so this is gonna be just my mind going wild rn and rambling.

first of all, WHY HIMMMM LIKE HELLO??

okay ngl im happy he got invited though- but STILLLLL

you just KNOW she had to have THOUGHT of me and just went, “man let me invite this boy i barely talk to and the only reason im friends with him is bc of his sister AND LET ME JUST NOT INVITE HIS SISTER???”

like SHEESH? you know she just wants to hurt me and- and i dont.. i don’t understand why..

secondly, she has to invite me.

THERE IS NO WAY no SHOT she doesn’t invite me and invites my BROTHER. like WHAT? im just shocked.

i’m lowkey just waiting for my invite to come.. like it HAS to come RIGHT? or am i just delulu.

but anyway, just as i’m surprised she didn’t invite me- i’d be the same amount of surprised is she doesn’t. wait that doesn’t make sense 😭 but whatever.

edit: future me in june lol- i cant believe i actually thought she was gonna invite me. like i was genuinely so sure i was gonna eat my words and this was gonna age so well- little did i know all of this aged PERFECTLY and i was NOT overreacting.

i remember on the spare moments she would text me- or talk to me i always thought she was gonna invite me or explain why i didnt get invited.

i would have dreams that she told me/invited me. i would have fake scenarios of what i was gonna do. i was so freaking sure i remember me telling myself to say “no.” like i remember me being more worried abt how i was gonna decline bc i was soo sure.

i remember even a weeek before the party i was SO sure i was gonna get invited- lollllll.

thirdly, even if she does want to invite me.. i dont even know if i would want to go.. - HELP i was so confident…

i was just a second, a second to my brother. a second. a second thought, a hesitant invite, a- not enough.

and then, if she doesnt invite me-

if she doesnt invite me, would i still even buy her a gift.. do i still get her a card? if she doesnt invite me, will we still talk.. do i still love her.

and there we go-

do i still love her?

i dont even know.

i dont love people who hurt me. and you- you definitely hurt me. you hurt me bad.

[tinybitofhope]

my life rant bc i need this of my chest xxx (ill divide into paragraphs)

okay so the reason i think im aroflux is bcuz i dont feel attraction duh. but fr cuz i need to get this out. saw this one post abt leo valdez and it was like percy telling leo abt what his luv for annie feels like and leo was like ‘ya ill get crushes but i wont find luv bc i am fire and fire burns out and cannot be contained’ and shit like that and i was like…. crap. uhm i relate to that a bit too much. ik im young but like.. my crushes rlly js feel like interests and spending too much time w them. also idek if my most recent sapphic crush was rlly a crush or if i was js tryna prove it to myself im rlly bi. anyways back to my aro rant. and sometimes when i see people in luv im like ‘lmao couldnt be me’ like… okay next rant

omg so i used to be always happy for little and big things but like…. my vball tournament was yesterday and we won against our best opponent but i didnt feel happy??? like i barely even cried. i mean im glad we won but it feels like im holding smth that i like in my hands but js not enjoying ig??? i feel vv empty rn and i dont like the feeling of that but then again thats how ive been feeling for a while so im trying to ignore it.

its so sad on how i keep being friends w him (ill name him kris) even tho he literally outed me, but this is such a small skl and i dont think i could ever leave my friend. tbh loyalty is a big thing for me, ever. thats why it hurts so much when i think about everyone having someone except for me. its like being the third wheel in every single relationship (familial, friendship) i have with anybody. anyways i rlly have to stop being friends w people who wronged me but when i think abt them i think abt all the good times w them and then think that they (alliteration) could still be my friend. but like i said before its a small skl and everyone knos eachother…

back on that third wheel thing, like i said b4 loyalty is big for me. so when someone betrays me or like leaves me out i get soooo anxious and start going into frenzies like ‘oh ofc theyre hanging out together’ bc now my trio feels like m&a plus me. and everyone has their pair they talk to all the time, so what abt me? nonzo. its so hard during family shit bc im the middle child whereas there is only two children in each family and somim stuck w the older cousins (dw i luv em) but like… i feel so out of place.

i hate hate hate doing big things and then right after i have to go socialize? like no.. im tired asf. sometimes talking makes me want to cry and hide ipunder my sheets and scroll on pinterest while listening to my peaceful playlist. and it sucks bc i share a room w my sister and so i cant even do that in peace. i turned off my crying mode aswell and i dont kno how to turn it back on so at most i can shed a few tears so thats not fun. bc yknow how people say ‘crying is good for u’. me rn: 🤠

so what did we learn? that my life sucks ass and i want to curl up and die. and on that happy note goodbye!!!

[blackvail22]

9/24/23 — 1:10am

theres a lot that happened within the past two days its insane. on the 22nd, i had to train this new associate for the whole day. he's rlly nice, and he's fun to talk to. he caught on really quick! im excited to work with him

also, that same day, i got back with my ex!!! it could be a dumb decision (because this is the 3rd time) but i really want things to work out. again, no one is going to know besides you... and... my coworkers, but thats different

the coworker that gave me his number, he gave me a note at work that says "im awkward so i dont know how to say this out loud, but i like you" and then taped a soda tab on it (it was the "hug" meaning one, which... i dont like but could be worse). so! ive told the new associate i have a boyfriend. im going to tell them i have a boyfriend, but im telling those im closest to at work that its because i dont want my worker to hit on me anymore

if he keeps going after that, i have to report him. im not letting someone get away with that, not this time.

i have to start standing up for myself... im just scared because of that teenager who got killed because she rejected her (adult) co-worker, im afraid its going to be me. this is the reason i dont like hearing abt death.

on another note, back to abt my boyfriend....

im writing this as soon as i ended the call with him. i miss him already. i wonder how and why my brain changes how i react to things because of a label. i feel so clingy. i want to talk to him more. he does make me happy, and i hope i make him happy too

oh, i also bought this candle... its supposed to "smell like london" and it says the scent is "afternoon biscuits and tea" so thats nice. i bought it to think of you, nd its nice that the color of the candle matches my room

oh last thing ! i took my permit drivers test and i passed it! feels so surreal because i never thought i was ever gonna end up driving but here we are lol

anyways i like this song

6:06am —

dude i couldnt fall asleep until like 4:30am and my mom woke me up at 5:30, screaming at me to find something i didnt have!!! i found it! and it was in her bag, a place she didnt look (because she only looked one place!!!!!!) at least i can sleep now, but idek if i can do that because i feel awake now. im going to sob. FUVKKK I HAVE A HEADACHE AND SINUS PAIN NOW IM GOING TO CRY DUDE. and the fact that she walked up the stairs to scream at me (she never walks up the stairs)???? ooo. im so mad bro! like im going to wake up whenever i have my alarms set and im going to punch a wall because i cant sleep without getting interrupted. IM PISSED TF OFF NOW bevause i havent had adequate sleep since my last off day (a week ago) and i dont have a lot of sleep for tomorrow because i have to wake up at 6am for an appointment thats 2hrs away. sure, ill sleep in the car, but with my mom? she wont let it happen. and i dont have another off day untl thursday, and i cant sleep in for that one either becahse i have another goddamn appointment in the morning. like, is this what being an adult is? being harrassed by coworkers, never having enough sleep, never able to fall asleep.... it cant be cause those all haopened when i was a teenager too. stuck in that cycle, though, and i cant wait for that cycle to finally end.

bad things always tend to happen to me. is it because i bring bad energy? AHHHHHHH i just need to scream cry

i am going to try to sleep now. I've rambled on for way too long

11:17pm

been incredibly sad today. i think it was my lack of sleep, or maybe it was my mom yelling at me and waking me up. still, my heart feels so ... heavy. i cant help but feel bad for people who love me. if i was them, i would choose anyone else to love endlessly. im undeserving of it all, anyway. i dont feel happy tonight. i hope tomorrow's better. i dont know what changed and made me feel this way because when i woke up and went to work, everything was fine until half way through my shift. it didnt really effect me, but them saying "oh, fun's over.. [my name]'s in a bad mood again.. everyone get away" keeps playing in my mind. it didnt affect me then, so i dont know why i keep thinking about it

i just want to fit on my roof and look at the moon, but its been rising really early so i dont think ill be able to see it now. ill watch some livestreams from space of the earth/the moon instead. something to comfort me while listening to music. i havent been able to watch any videos all the way through recently.. havent even been able to watch those gaming streams i like. hopefully ill feel better before i go to sleep

[amakumos]

the thing is i feel so stupid still going on about it bc … theres no update theres still nothing 😭😭😭

and p much all of my friends have gotten to the point where it’s like ‘he’s stupid !!! his loss !!! fuck him u deserve better ❗️’ like girl i even told one of the teachers who was on the trip that he’s still not replied and she was like ‘maybe it’s time to get over him’ 😭😭 so thats why i dont wanna go back ranting to my friends bc they’ll just be like ‘he wasn’t worth it anyway stop thinking abt him’ 🥲

and i know ‘getting over him’ sounds a bit silly bc there wasn’t much there to get over in the first place but ig i have been ‘getting over him’ in the sense that i’ve been feeling way better this past week than i was before and i’m not thinking abt him as much or checking his insta as much anymore (i still checked if he was in my recent story views tho and 🙃 he wasn’t ofc)

but idk yesterday randomly a wave of … idk what feeling but the FEELS just hit me yesterday and i was like dang :/ do i actually want him to reply or do i just miss being able to talk abt him and theorise about him to my friends 😭

bc at this point idek if i would even want a reply??? like i had to ask myself is it a crush or was it just a holiday fling (if u can even call it that bc barely anything happened 😭)

i can’t even answer that question bc yes i did find him attractive and charming in the few minutes i spoke to him and the maybe,,, six hours i saw him for?? so i barely know him enough to even crush on him but at the same time not just any guy would affect me this much if u get what im saying? like if i didnt have some sort of interest/feelings i wouldn’t be this bothered by it yk?

i just can’t afford to be stressed over a boy when i have exams coming up so if, by some miracle, he did reply… there’s a chance that reply comes during my exam season and idk how i’d even begin to deal with that 🥲 like as of right now it’s not too bad, i can concentrate on college just fine bc there’s nothing from him but if there WAS a response my brain would be absolutely frazzled 🫠

this was a lot longer than i anticipated i am so sorry but ty for letting me get this out 😭🫶🏼

i Literally understand EXACTLY how u feel rn bc i did not get one last chance to shoot my shot at lulu guy bc he wasn’t here today ☹️ and i feel like . when someone shows that they might be a little into you i think it’s normal that we overthink it quite a lot ?? i think you might just wanna get to know him a bit better because like you said nothing rlly happened ,, and maybe ure disappointed that u think that u don’t rlly have a chance to get to know him better ??? (at least that is me with the lulu guy .. and i still don’t know his name LMFAOOOO) but i think it’s normal to want a reply or wanna talk more if someone leaves a rlly strong and lasting impression on you !! and maybe u want a reply cuz u want some sort of closure cuz it all ended sort of abruptly??? i don’t know exactly everything abt it but if i met some guy and we were kinda talking and it all stopped out of the blue i would want some sort of response to tell me to not keep having false hope ?? i think that’s better than being ghosted tbh ,,, like i’ll be sad for a bit but then it’s easier to get over it bc ure not waiting for anything else to happen ?? and if there was a response from him tbh i would make him wait (considering how long he made you wait) but i feel like it’s probably best to not hold out hope (IM SORRY IF THATS UPSETTING) but if he replies then great! and if he doesn’t then that’s okay cuz it’s his loss anyways <3

[icannotgetoverbirds]

swifties look away im so sorry

okay so i heard a song on the radio today that is apparently one of taylor swift's pieces.

this is by no means an in-depth analysis, nor unbiased or even well-written.

so for reference i'm talking about anti-hero. keep in mind, this is pretty much just a vibe check.

vibe check: it feels to me like she's upset that people are attempting to hold her accountable for her actions wrt the whole private jet thing, and it's kinda sad. Not like, i feel bad for her sad, but like, girl, get it together, sad.

evidence:

anti-hero released in october of 2022. for reference, those articles about celebrity private jet usage - which you may remember left taylor at the top of the list, garnering serious backlash - came out in august of 2022.

in this song, she is the anti-hero (afaik - if it's someone else, that could change the meaning entirely). she sees herself as hated, as someone viewed as an enemy. she bitterly refers to her narcissism as though she's been called one and is tired of the accusations.

she says she dreams about her daughter-in-law killing her for the money, then screaming that taylor's laughing up at her from hell because the in-laws were left nothing in the will.

worth noting that she has children, all of which are under the age of ten. not sure how to feel about the implications of her presenting this hypothetical situation in a song long before her kids have the chance to bring a partner home. somehow i doubt they're going to be comfortable doing that.

some lyrics that were what really sent up the red flags for me:

"It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me (I'm the problem, it's me) At tea time, everybody agrees"

this sounds exactly like the kind of shit someone says when they're trying to dodge responsibility. guilt-tripping the person calling them out by exaggerating what they're saying. "I'm always the villain. I'm always the bad guy. Everybody's on your side. You always have to be right."

(that last one is one i've personally heard from an abuser. again, this is biased and my vibe check is definitely imperfect.)

it's just. pathetic feels too mean but it's the only word I can think of. taylor swift has a lot of reach and her music meant a lot to me as a kid, but as i've gotten older i've kind of grown apart from her work.

which, you know, nbd. then the shit about the plane drops and it's like Oh Wow Okay. Fuck Me I Guess. idk. it seems like it was made to garner sympathy and support, which isn't inherently bad, but i'm having trouble being sympathetic when she's contributed so much to climate change and pollution.

i don't hate swifties, i don't even hate taylor swift. i just... don't have a lot of sympathy for her when that article could've been a wake-up call, and the memes could've been a wake-up call, but instead it seems like she's whining about people being mean to her - and don't get me wrong, people are absolutely being mean, but when she's literally directly, massively, and unnecessarily contributing to the destruction of the planet, i think they have a right to get a little pissed.

so instead of stepping up and doing better, she just wrote a song that feels like a pathetic attempt to get people to stop calling her out for her bullshit, whether it was intended to be manipulative or not.

swifties, if you read this, i'm sorry, but that's just my perspective on it. i have no issues with people being fans of her or liking her music or whatever, i just... i guess i felt like this was something worth discussing.

like, idek if this is too harsh or too nice. i have qualms with the concept of punishment in an attempt to bring about change, even for the privileged, but people have a right to be angry about what she's done. is there something to be said about the fact that people mostly went after her for being at the number one spot and almost nobody is making memes about other celebrities on the list? probably.

anyways. just my unorganized thoughts abt it. someone else can probably put it better than i can - i don't have the spoons to do a proper analysis right now, but i can provide this lens to view it through, i guess.

[troglobite]

no better time than 6 fucking am to just be hit with how utterly, crushingly lonely you are

how even friends that you love are moving on w their lives without you

you’re not a priority, and you can’t make them one bc they have other more important things

how even ppl you thought were safe to be around can say something so casually hurtful that’s not even about you but it hurts. and you don’t realize until it’s 5:30 and you’re trying to sleep. 

amazing that having met w 2 friends today and meeting w a different one in 5 hrs, i feel so utterly, pathetically alone. 

i feel like i’m cutting tiny portions of myself off to hand to other ppl to make friendships and keep communication open sometimes

but i just

i stayed up too late reading. i was gonna go to sleep 3 hrs ago. and instead i stayed up late reading.

and it was probably a mistake. i really enjoyed it but it just hurt. bc it was this beautiful prose abt ppl who had built lives for themselves by age 30. who had friends who could see all these pieces of them without it needing to be said. who could understand each other. who still did say things, but didn’t always need to say the small things. who felt safe in disagreements and discomfort. 

who weren’t alone. 

and i loved it and it hurt my stomach all the way down to my pelvis the way some emotions hit me. and i’m just sad. 

i don’t feel like anyone actually knows or understands me. i do my best to do that w or for others. 

and part of the problem is that i simply don’t trust anyone enough to be myself and part of that is that i’m tired of handing myself to someone only for them to go “oh. no thanks.”

i’m tired of being alone. i’m tired of being lonely. i’m tired of only mattering in pieces. i’m tired of not having energy for people, and them never having the time or energy for me. 

i’m tired of having to be someone else around/with everyone i talk to. and “everyone” sure is doing a lot of heavy lifting that isn’t accurate.

the number of ppl i talk to w any frequency right now: 7

it’s usually more like 4 or 5. i’ve had an unprecedented uptick in communication from a few people. 

the number of ppl that i feel like i can be 1000000% of myself around, whether or not it has anything to do with them: 1

and i don’t know if it’s reciprocal. 

i didn’t budget or plan for or anticipate a complete fucking meltdown at 6 am, sorry

oh i guess i could count my therapist for a whopping 8, bc i talk to her once a week. and then 2 bc the whole point is to be myself in therapy. 

my life is nothing that i wanted right now

i’m almost 30 and i barely have friends. i don’t have a life. i have no marketable skills. i’m on medicaid bc i can’t find a job, and even if i did, it would pay me nowhere near even half a livable wage. 

i’m so tired and miserable and i just can’t take any of this anymore. 

trying just HURTS because NO ONE i know is in the same situation as me. and that sounds so egotistical and pathetic. 

but i just mean

idfk what i mean

no one gets it and i guess it’s unfair and stupid to want someone to get it about everything

maybe it’s me

maybe i’m broken and fucked up

i wish i could kill my past

every day without even trying i just don’t think abt who i used to me, i’m just living in the now and recent past and thinking abt that

and i just wish past me didn’t exist and i didn’t have to carry them around w me all the fucking time

idek how to articulate what’s WRONG right now i just HURT i hurt so much i feel sick and i can’t stop crying

i guess i’ll just take an anti-anxiety thing and shove it back down to get a whopping 4 hours of sleep before i have to pretend to be fine again in front of someone i’ve “known” for 16 years who’s going out without masks, whose whole current drama and life struggle is about this woman she loves and who loves her

every time i just have to try and accept that people have been awful to be bc i’m short and fat and mexican and queer and trans and autistic

i just see other ppl who share these traits who don’t share the bullshit i went through or am going through

or who are in loving relationships

or have so many friends

or who are so successful

and i just want to die

what is WRONG with me? why is it like this for me, why am i like this?

i just want to know what’s so fucking unlovable about me bc i wasn’t 

i wasn’t always this pathetic in this way

but my stupid fucking life is just and has just not been that fucking awful

why am i so weak?

and i can’t just SAY this to people. to the people who are my friends. that i’m supposed to trust. 

you can’t just DUMP taht on someone.

which is why i just bullshit it into the void on here for ppl to choose whether they read or engage or not.

i know it’m annoying and pathetic. i put it under read mores. you know what this is, you can (and should) scroll right past without reading. i know most ppl do. and good. i’m not trying to manipulate or guilt anyone into this. 

i need to be out of my own head with this stuff like i’m explaining it to someone else bc if it’s a journal or a diary i get sick of my own bullshit too fast and i know what i’m going to say before i type it so it’s pointless

i’m just sorry

i feel like i have to justify everything

i don’t want to hurt anyone--at least not due to negligence. accident, it happens. 

i have so many plushies now. and my new one that i can’t let go of. it just feels so sad and pathetic. holding them all the time. 

i’m 27, almost 28, i’ve never dated, i’ve never been myself in any friendship. idk who myself is bc i’m so twisted around and busted. and i’m so afraid. constantly. and i feel. insane. with fear and with seeing so many people i cared abt just. not. care. about any of this anymore.

and there’s nothing i can do to fix it. 

i wish i had gone to sleep 3 hours ago like i had planned to. i’ve been tired this whole time. my eyes burning. 

all i know abt myself is that i can never shut up or leave well enough alone. idk what close relationships look like. idk how to be a person. i can’t do this. i can’t carry this. i’m so tired of burying how i feel and biting my tongue or choosing anger bc it hurts less and fades quicker. i’m tired of losing track of time and days. i’m tired of being a disappointment. i’m tired of being disappointed. 

i should take a fucking anti anxiety thing and go to sleep and stop. bothering everyone. i’m going to be a mess when i have to talk to my friend in a few hours on like no sleep and puffy eyes and i’m going to have to help her manage her traumas and feelings and other sundry bullshit (not derogatory) so that she stops getting herself hurt bc if i’m being given the power to help then i have to take it. if i don’t then i’m letting her get hurt. i will have done nothing. 

i’ve already spent weeks and hours and thousands of words via IG DMs. she couldn’t be there for me when i needed her. she doesn’t pay attn to where i am in my life. she’s trying to figure out who i am but doesn’t listen to me when i try to tell her. 

she acts like i’m always putting myself down.

i’m not. i don’t. i try not to.

i’m just stating facts about who i am and what my life is. 

and if that feels like i’m insulting myself then you’re just making me feel even worse bc my life is apparently so pathetic it sounds like an insult.

no, i’m not qualified for that job you sent. i’m flattered you thought of me and i appreciate it, but i’m not qualified.

no, i’m not selling myself short. i know ppl in the industry and i know it takes more than what i have. it would take years to be anywhere near capable of being ready for that position--and it’s not even in an area that i would want to pursue. 

but pushing back and pushing back against that as if i’m insulting myself

and i just keep

“by then i’ll be hotter than the cheerleaders [because i’ll be thinner]” and “you’re not fat!” and her fucking ex-girlfriend making fun of fat americans while my mom and i fed her pizza that we paid for. her paranoia about fitness and thinness and how she sucks her stomach in in all of her pictures. 

all of the ways i am made to feel shame for who i am right now. it’s alien to them, to everyone. 

i don’t have. a social life. i barely have friends. and the ones i have just. say things. 

and i feel ungrateful, or cruel, or judgmental, like i’m holding people to impossible standards that they can never meet.

and maybe i am. bc why would i ever trust anyone. 

i don’t want to deal w my stupid fucking inner child, the pathetic kid who was weak and clueless and who no one actually liked. 

i was just amusing. or they could cheat off of me. or i was convenient. 

or i did things for them, emotionally. i supported them. we had jokes and fun.

but it was never anything more--not for me. not towards me. 

i’m so good at not needing anything and no one ever seems to complain.

and then when they do and i take them up on it and try to change my behavior it just doesn’t go well.

i’m perpetually too much. 

just look at all this fucking bullshit i’ve typed out after telling myself to just take a pill and go to sleep. TWICE. 

i don’t like knowing what loneliness feels like. it’s so crushing and all-consuming. i’ve already been here before. i never wanted to be here again, but somehow worse. 

bc i’ve worked so hard. to get better. to build things up. to have a life. and i failed. just like i fail at most things.

imagine changing your expectations and goals in life so many times, continuously making them less and less ambitious, and still managing to fail and fall short. imagine. well, i’ve done it. i’ve managed it. and i hate it. 

“everyone’s afraid of rejection, but you just have to push through”

i’ve known almost nothing except rejection for all of my 27, almost 28, years of living. i’m tired. i had gotten over it, i thought i was stronger and could move on bc it wasn’t always rejections. 

then grad school happened and the pandemic happened and it just became rejections all over again, implicit and explicit. 

when will anyone else take responsibility for everything so it’s not my fucking job to have to deal w everything myself, entirely alone?

and all of this bullshit. isn’t. enough. i cannot. go to other people w this. why would i? why sympathy would they have for any of this? pathetic. weak. i’m so tired.