#the secret good spn that lives in my head

[youre-only-gay-once]

demon!Bela x Anael // "cowboy like me" - Taylor Swift

For sapphicnatural week 2024 ◈ day 1: heaven & hell

[shinelikethunder]

like i know I've probably said it before, but. as much as s11 is my favorite of the late seasons of SPN, Dean's half of the season plot is boring and any potential it ever had is consistently squandered, and Sam's half only works if you're seeing the shrimp-colors cage-trauma version that jarpad is acting, not the "enemies to reluctant team-up to celestial-family reconciliation" nonsense that the writers think is a neat way to arrange their toys in the Big Epic (Unspeakably Stupid) Arc Plot dollhouse.

and i can't speak to how much of it was really intended or by whom, but there IS a throughline in there that may not be well developed or resolved, but still reawakens the good old "oh right that's why i ever went apeshit feral over either of these guys to begin with" feelings. the one where every step along the path of the Lucifer plotline is one of the most pants-shittingly terrifying things Sam has ever had to do, and every encounter brings a fresh kind of betrayal and violation that he somehow was not expecting, and every escalating step of the team-up is far too much to ask of anyone with the kind of history he has with this fucker. and he does it anyway, even though it's unbearable. and it just makes him more determined to stay capable of faith and charity and trust in the face of all this, because he needs to, because it's been foundational since season 2 that some kind of faith in a benevolent higher power is a psychological need for him to keep going in the crapsack world they inhabit.

that's the version jarpad is acting, the one where okay fine, sam will do it, but he'll look like he wants to fucking die the whole time. and the instant he (visibly! you can see it! like a switch got flipped between episodes!) gets told to stop harshing the vibes of their stupid "god and lucifer do family therapy" comedy bit with all that buzzkill Resting PTSD Face... that's the exact instant s11 dissolves like tissue paper. and i stop being able to suspend my disbelief that it's anything but a collection of unusually solid one-off episodes held together by the dumbest excuse for an arc plot on god's green earth. like oh, shit, this entire time they were literally just finding neat ways to arrange the toys in the dollhouse without any attempt to delve into what makes these characters tick in that configuration. even though it is RIGHT! THERE! and at least one of the actors is serving it up to them on a platter. they TOLD HIM TO STOP SERVING UP THEIR UNDONE CHARACTER WORK ON A PLATTER.

so yeah. entire season arcs propped up by jared padalecki's acting. who'd've guessed.

[amaliabalash]

today i had a good reminder of how important it is to reconnect with the source material you’re writing fanfic for if you care at all about staying in character

i wrote like 5k words this weekend and read them over and was like. this feels wrong but why? and then i listened to chip on my shoulder on the way to an appt today and it clicked, i’d managed not to be any snark into any of their interactions! it was wrong because it was too sappy and sincere to be in character at that point in the story!

[hereditary20l8]

now i'm remembering when i first watched spn and how the notion of hell had been 100x scarier simply bc we had no idea what it looked like.... but then the very last moment of the 3rd season decided to show dean like that and it shattered all the horrible images i had come up in my head and it just automatically made it so underwhelming... i'm mourning those times when we had no clue about heaven or hell or angels or god beyond ppl's descriptions bc it effectively made everything so much more terrifying. what a loss

[kerryweaverlesbian]

Cas: Dean I think you should take some time to heal. Heaven and Hell are mostly calm. Maybe the timing is right.

Cas: [Leaves]

Dean: 🧍‍♂️

[fuckspn]

oh my god sorry i think it's just now 3 years after the fact really hitting me that cas is CANONICALLY queer. it is a canon fact of the show supernatural that cas is not straight. cas fell in romantic love with dean and that is not something we had to will into existence like the secret good spn that lives in our heads, that is something that textually happened in the story of supernatural that we and the general audience all watched play out on our screens. i'm looking at a gifset of cas rn and that is the face of a character who is canonically attracted to men and specifically to dean. the angel is literally gay why are we not talking about this 24/7

[iamawolfstarsimp]

Sup bitches im back

And I've come bearing gifts of yet another spn fic (I'm in my active writing era 😌💅)

(this is set in season 13 or 14)

So yeah enjoy

Jack was a curious kid, obviously. It was no secret the kid loved to learn about most anything and everything. Even just listening sometimes was enough for him.

Once Dean had gotten attached to the kid, he didn't really mind answering all of Jack's questions.

Jack was especially curious whenever he was allowed on a hunt with them, wanting to know everything about what kind of monster they were hunting.

On an ordinary day though, Jack was more quiet. You could usually find him in his room reading while listening to rock music (Dean had told him that it was the only 'good' kind of music) or watching cartoons on the TV that Cas had given to him from his room. Mostly, they all kept to themselves on the days between hunts.

But often times Dean would gather everyone in the living room area for a movie night while they ate dinner. Cas would usually make some kind of warm drink after they all ate, Dean always got to pick the movie (regardless of how many protests were shouted at him), Sam had taught Jack how to make popcorn and Jack used that skill whenever he got the chance, and Sam took the opportunity to just relax on the couch with them.

Often times Sam would fall asleep during the movie, and Dean would bitch about it afterwards as loudly as he could. Jack had recently taken up Sam's habit though. Every time they all sat down to watch something you'd turn around Jack was dozing off, usually leaning against someone's shoulder.

As cute as it was, Dean couldn't stand for Jack to miss the death star exploding.

Dean had been chosen that evening as Jack's human pillow, so it was easy enough to reach over and poke him several times in the side to try and rouse him.

Jack shifted over and ignored the pokes, snuffling into Dean's arm.

Dean repeated the action a few more times, until he noticed a small sleepy smile on Jack's face that he was trying to hide.

Dean hummed quietly but let the kid sleep, saving that information for later.

After the movie ended (and, yes, Jack did miss the exploding of the death star but it wasn't like this was his first time seeing A New Hope) they all stayed seated, relaxed in their spots making idle conversation.

Jack was now awake, listening to Sam and Cas' conversation about which star wars movie was the best. Dean turned his attention from the pair to look at Jack.

"I can't believe you-" Dean said, rapidly poking Jack's side causing the kid to curl up and swat and Dean's hand. "fell asleep during the best star wars movie and the best part of it."

"I didn't mean to!" Jack giggled, using one hand to protect his side the other to hold onto Dean's hand.

"Mhm, sure you didn't." Dean eyerolled, now launching a full on tickle attack on Jack.

Dean leaned over and dragged Jack into his lap, using one his hands to hold his outer arm above his head leaving his entire left side exposed. His free hand darted around Jack's torso, tickling as many places as he could. Jack attempted to grab Dean's hand but was too slow to catch him and couldn't predict correctly which spot Dean was going to go to next so he just resorted to holding onto Dean's forearm and trying to control his laughter.

"Do you know how to play guitar, Jack?" Dean asked while still tickling him.

"No!" Jack said through his giggles.

"Well, what we have here," Dean pat Jack's stomach. "is a good old fashioned guitar."

Jack's eyebrows knitted together in confusion, his head tilting to the side.

"~Juuust gotta make sure it's in tune before I can play anything on it, of course." Dean grinned at him.

He held his right hand as if he had a guitar pic in his hand and pressed his fingers against Jack's ribs. He pretended to "play" the guitar, Jack's ribs being the strings.

He tested different ribs, listening to Jack's different laughs as he did so.

"Sounds tuned to me." Dean nodded. "That means we can play it now. "

Jack was about to make his protests known but Dean had already started, picking up and down Jack's whole side.

He threw in some light scribbles every now and then when he got up high on Jack's ribs, just to hear him squeal.

Jack promptly lost his mind, lost in his own mirth. He threw his head back against one of the couch pillows, cackles spilling out of him freely. His squirming intensified too, wiggling in every direction to get away from Dean's wiggling fingers.

He noticed that Sam and Cas had been watching for some time now, fond smiles on both of their faces. Dean noticed too and grinned at them.

"Do you guys like my guitar?" He raised an eyebrow. "Probably the nicest one I've ever played."

"Oh, I bet." Sam nodded. "I mean considering that you've never owned a guitar and nor do you know how to play, but if that one can give you the skills to play like that then that's one nice guitar."

Dean chuckled. "Wanna hear how it plays?"

"Dean, nohohOHO!!" Jack shrieked, arching his back. Dean alternated spots, going from right next to Jack's armpit to down low next to his hip. Jack's giggles jumped in both pitch and volume several times.

"I like this note." Dean teased. He scratched on Jack's highest rib, his laughter jumping up to a near screech. He squirmed violently twords the ground, almost falling out of Dean's arms before he was pulled back into Dean's lap.

"My guitar likes to wiggle apparently," Dean laughed, going back to the same spot that he was tickling before. Jack squealed again, giving up on trying to escape and just taking the tingly sensations overtaking his entire being. It was as if he could feel the tickles through his whole body, from his ears, to his neck, all the way down his torso and legs, electric tingles shooting down his knees, to his constantly moving feet which were currently kicking the couch in an effort to help give himself some relief from the sensations that were surging throughout his body.

After a few minutes when Jack had properly melted in Dean's lap from exhaustion, Dean finally stopped, releasing Jack's arm and letting him roll over onto his stomach. Dean rubbed up and down his back grinning down at the kid, though he couldn't see.

"You okay, Jack?" Sam asked after a few minutes.

"Y-yeah," Jack answered.

Dean rubbed a soothing hand through his hair, letting him fully relax.

"Hey, if you ever need any help getting Dean back, I'll gladly help you out Jack." Sam said. "He's ridiculously ticklish just like you." He smirked.

"Shut up." Dean glared at him. "You're just as bad."

"Statistically, Sam is less sensative than you are, but you and Jack seem equal in ticklishness." Cas held back a smile.

"You shut up too." Dean pointed at Cas. Sam laughed at them both.

Once again, Jack felt himself falling asleep but this time to the sounds of his family getting into a silly argument rather than the sounds of blaster fire and exciting background music.

Hope you liked

[theyarebothgunshot]

jackles con answer hinting at "reasons" for cas not coming back in season 1 of spnwin has got me believing that he's out there not only with his long con but essentially has this whole slow burn arc planned and absolutely needs to make sure that dean will be the one to get cas back (as opposed to prev canon where jack yanked him out and cas is "in heaven somewhere"). that man is as unwell about dean as all of us combined. (i know i am clowning and or projecting, but let me have this, okay. it's the secret good spn that lives inside my head) 🧩

getting my clown nose ready like

[loki-laufeyson223]

The Secret

Warnings: Morning Sickness, pregnancy scare, regular (if not lighter) spn violence, tittle bit of cussin, some suggestive things........

Word Count: 2.9k

“Scarlett! Come on. Sammy’s waitin’ for us in Baby.”  I flushed the toilet to wash away the last ten minutes I’d been in the bathroom for and got up off my knees from my place  on the cold tile floor. The entire time I had been locked in there with morning sickness. My husband, Dean, didn’t know I was pregnant yet because I was waiting until the  second trimester to tell anyone. I had a high risk pregnancy and I didn’t want to get him excited about having a baby just to lose it to a third miscarriage. I was already twelve weeks so I only had to wait two more before I told Dean. “Hold up. Lemme brush my teeth real quick Hun.”  “Alright, I’m headed to the garage.”

I slid into the leather seat of the Impala, the usual scent of Dean and Sam’s cologne combined wouldn’t usually bother me but I was pregnant so of course it did. I cringed a little, enough for Dean to notice, when the smell invaded my nose.  “Sweetheart? You okay?”  “Yeah Dean, just a little off this mornin.”  “If we need to stop you let me know. Sammy can get over it.”  There was some humor in that but he was still dead serious. I nodded and gave Sam a small smile then Dean started the car and took off.

After about five hours in the car and a four hour nap, we pass the welcome sign into Sidney, Nebraska. There was a witch who was placing hex bags on people who had “done him wrong”, leading them to private yet gruesome deaths.  We pulled up to the motel just on the outskirts of the town and Sam went to go get us a room. We grabbed our stuff and headed towards the door that matched the key Sam gave us while he went on a grub run. As soon as we got in the room Dean pounced on me with questions. 

“Scarlett, Imma need ya’ to be serious with me.”  “Ok.”  “Are you okay?”  “Yeah.”  “Do you feel off at all? Was it a bad idea bringin you on this case?”  “No. I feel just fine and also no, there was no mistake in bringing me on this case.”  “Ok. I’m trusting you.”  “You always can.”  “Good, now come here.”  There was a mischievous smile forming on his face as I rose off the bed and walked towards his spot in the small kitchen area, in front of the counter. 

He grabbed my waist with a gentle touch, though Dean is one of the most famous and rough hunters known to the world we live in, he’s as harmful as a stuffed animal with me and the rest of his family. Dean turned us around so my back was to the counter and lifted me onto it. I felt his breath against the shell of my ear when he leaned in to press kisses along my neck. “Let’s hurry before Sammy gets back.”

Sam walked in thirty minutes later on Dean and I in a heated kiss. “Hey! Not in here. I was gonna set our food on that counter.”  “Yeah, yeah Sammy. Always interrupting.”  “Maybe don’t wait till we’re sharing a room.”  Dean just scoffed and went to grab the food from Sam. We sat down to eat and when we were finished, Dean clearly wasn’t on the subject of Sam walking in when things are getting heated. I knew he wasn’t in the wrong though, Sam anyways.  “Y’know you’re always killin the mood Sammy.”  “Well Dean, maybe don’t wait until we’re sharing a room.” Dean whipped to me as if I was gonna be the one to defend him. “Come on Scar, help me out.”  “Nope. Gotta go get dressed.”  On my way to the bathroom I grab my FBI pantsuit and walk in, shutting the door with my foot. 

When I walk out of the bathroom Sam and Dean are already dressed and are sitting on one of the queen beds playing bloody knuckles. God, I married a ten year old.  “You two ready to go?”  “Yep. I’m just tryna get your husband to give up.”  Sam gave one more good punch and Dean yielded. “My day has just been made. Now we can leave.”  

We pulled up to an old junkyard where we had tracked the witch to and once we were parked, Dean grabbed the dark tarp we keep in the trunk for cases like this. We pulled out the guns we already had loaded with the witch-killing bullets and made our way to the small building off to the side of the yard. It was completely surrounded by trees and kudzu. We somehow managed to work our way past the spiked plant and towards the door. 

The moment we walked inside there was the sound of something shuffling around then, a figure stepped out of the shadowed corner. Though due to the dark room and only a sliver of moonlight shining through the boarded up window, we could only make out the not so grand height of the man we knew as the witch killing and taking all of the innocent lives of people who did no wrong though he claimed the opposite.

  “Don't take another step.”  “And if we do?”  Sam’s voice boomed.  “Then that girl I can presume as the wife of the great Dean Winchester, much less Scarlett Abbott, will die.”  Dean went to move the gun he had out of his pocket when all of a sudden the witch nodded his head towards me then the wall. 

I was flung against a nearby wall just behind the witch. A sharp pain ran through my entire body, reaching my head creating a dull ache behind my eyes. Dean stepped up, “You let her go you bastard!”  “Not until she tells the little secret she’s been keeping from you and the rest of your pathetic little family.”  Dean looked to me with worry edging his eyes, along with rage.  “Scarlett, what’s he talking about?”   “Dean, please don’t be upset with me.”  “I won't, but please just tell me. What the hell’s goin on here?”  “I’m pregnant.”  “What?”  It was so quiet it was almost never said. Then, it all went black. 

Dean’s POV

“I’m pregnant.”  “What?”   

Those were the last words exchanged between my wife and I before the witch dropped her from the top of the wall, to the floor. She was limp, almost lifeless. “SCARLETT, NO!”.  I turned to the witch then my brother. I nodded towards Scarlett, letting him know to go check on her. Once he took off, the witch turned to me with a devilish smile, laughing. “You know, by now, that baby she’s carrying is probably dead, right?” 

 “Lemme give you a piece of my mind. Come here!”  “I think I’m good, ya know.”   “If you don’t get over here right now, I’ll kill your ass.”  “With what exactly?”  “Witch killing bullets.”  “There’s no wa-”  I cut him off by aiming for his arm and firing. He looked at me with wide eyes, seeing as his magic wasn’t healing the wound. I stalked over to him and sent a right hook, breaking his nose.  “That’s for my wife!”   

Once he was on the floor bent over, I kicked upwards into his stomach. I swear I heard a sickly bone crunch, as if I had broken some of his ribs. Good.  “Oh my God! What was that for!?”  “My unborn child, you bastard.”  I grabbed my gun, aiming for his head, I pulled the trigger. “That was for all the innocent lives you took.”   

Sam ran up to me with Scarlett in his arms.  “She’s fine. Breathing, though a little shallow, but alive.”  “Good. He’s not though.”  “That’s good too.”  “So, are we just gonna stand here or are we gonna go to the car?”  “Yeah, yep. Let’s go.”

Scarlett’s POV

I woke up in the motel with Dean sitting beside me tending to the small gashes on my arms that I had acquired at the junkyard. He immediately noticed I was up. “Hey Sweetheart, how ya feelin?”  “Like I’ve been hit by Baby goin 120.”  

 “I bet. Hey, about what you said earlier. You thought I would be mad? You know how long we’ve waited for this to happen.”  His voice was deep and strained.  “Yeah well, I thought you’d be mad cause I was hiding it and to add on to that, I went on a case. Who knows, the baby could be dead.”  

“Sam’s already workin on gettin Cas down here so we can see if there really is anything wrong but until then we’re stayin here, just in case. As for the hidin part, I get it. You didn’t want to disappoint me if anything happened to the baby and that’s fine. But, if 

something does happen we will work through it together, like we have before. I love you and you know that I’d do anything for you and that baby, even if they haven't been born yet.”  

I could feel tears blooming in my eyes and falling down my cheeks just at his words. Damn hormones. Dean brought his hand to my cheek and I could feel the heat radiating off of him. As my tears fell he wiped them away just as fast as they came. “I love you Scarlett. You know that right?”  I nodded, “I love you too Dean.”  It was barely a whisper and shaky.  

“Do you want to shower? Sammy and I already have. I can help you if you need it.”  “Yeah, I wanna shower.”  “Help?”  I just nodded and made the motion to get up when I felt light headed all of a sudden and I stumbled back about to fall. Dean caught me and brought me back up straight. “Woah, easy there tiger.”  He bent down slightly and put one of his arms under my knees and the other on my back, pulling me into a bridal style carry and walking to the bathroom. 

Dean set me down on the counter and walked over to the bath and turned back to me. “Bath or shower hun?”  I shrugged and just looked at him through blurry eyes. “Bath then.”  He started the bath, making sure that the water was at the right temperature before coming over to me and kneeling down. Dean untied my shoe laces removing the muddy boots then he unbuttoned my jeans. 

After sliding the torn denim off my legs he stood up and removed my shirt. With the same gentle manner he helped me get rid of my underthings. Dean slowly and steadily stood me up off the counter. “C’mere babe.”  Reaching out he slid his arm underneath both of mine and walked me to the bath and helped me lower myself into the warm water. “I’ll be back.”  

He came back from the main part of the motel with my emergency bottles of anxiety body wash and shampoo. I always kept them in my duffle just in case we had a really bad hunt. All three of us used it from time to time. Sam even went out and bought his own. 

Dean sat down on the side of the tub and began getting my hair wet. As soon as he was satisfied with his work, he grabbed the bottle of shampoo and poured enough in his hand to fully saturate my hair. Dean began massaging my scalp, pulling relieved sighs from deep in my throat. 

He rinsed out the shampoo and put in some conditioner and left it to sit for a few minutes. He got up once he was finished and grabbed his phone. “I just thought of this, do you wanna listen to music?”  “Yeah, sure.”  One of my favorite songs, Patience by Guns N’ Roses started playing and both Dean and I began humming along to the song while Dean grabbed a washcloth and poured some of my purple lavender body wash on it. 

“Lemme see your arm hun.” I raised up my right arm and Dean began washing the dirt and blood off of the bare skin. Carefully, Dean rinsed all of the conditioner out of my long blonde hair and walked over to the cabinet in the bathroom and grabbed two towels.  I grabbed onto the shower wall and raised myself up. Dean handed me one of the towels and I wrapped my hair into it before grabbing the other and tying it around myself.  

“Do you want to wear your sweats or t-shirt before bed?”  “Zepps shirt.”  “Ok. Lemme grab it real quick, I’ll be back.”  I nodded and when he walked out I grabbed my hairbrush and let the towel holding the mess together loose. I made sure to fully work through every knot and tangle, making sure that I didn’t pull too hard due to the dull ache that settled in the back of my head. 

Dean came back into the bathroom with his 1977 Led Zeppelin tour shirt and a fresh pair of underwear. “Do you need help with these or do you got it?”  “S’ok, I got it.”  “Alright Sweetheart. I’ll be out here if you need me.”  I nodded and he shut the door with a soft smile. 

When I walked out of the bathroom, Dean was sitting on the bed typing something out on his phone. I supposed it was Sam, hopefully with an update on Cas.  “Hey Sweetheart.”  Dean quirked a brow as if he somehow sensed the looming cloud of doubt over my head.  “Where’s that head of yours at?”  “Somewhere it shouldn’t be.”  “I figured as much.”  Yup, knew it. 

Dean got off the bed and walked over to me. Once he reached my spot in front of the bathroom and placed his hands on my shoulders. “Darlin’, what is it?”  I avoided his question with another.  “Is there an update with Cas’ eta yet?”  Dean shook his head and sighed, knowing he wasn’t getting anything out of me until I knew that the baby was okay and my fears had been relieved. Even then I might keep it all locked up. 

“Yeah. Sammy said Cas was dealin’ with some stuff in Heaven, just helpin’ Jack out a little. He said he’d be back down here as soon as possible.”  “Alright. Can we just lay down for a while then?”  “Of course Sweetheart.”  

Dean grabbed my hand and turned towards the bed. We walked over to the bed and Dean pulled all the covers back, adjusting a pillow for him to prop up on. Once he was fully settled, I climbed in the bed, laying down half on top, half off of my husband. Dean rubbed a gentle hand up and down my back, causing me to drift off into sleep.

Three Hours Later

Dean’s POV

I finally woke up from a well needed nap when Sam entered the motel with Cas following behind.  “Hello Dean.”  Cas greeted me with his usual deep and gravelly voice. He stalked over to the bed where Scarlett and I were laying. “Hey Cas.”  It came out more strained than I meant. The amount of stress I’ve been holding back is killing me. I’ve been praying as hard as I can to Jack that our child is okay. 

While Cas and Sam were talking about some shit going on in Heaven, I went to try and wake up Scarlett. I walked over to the bed where she was sleeping and sat down beside her. I took a moment to admire the absolute goddess in front of me. This was the woman I had the privilege to call my wife. Now she’s carrying my child and I couldn’t be more proud.

I reached out and placed my hand gingerly on her shoulder. “Sweetheart, you gotta wake up. Cas is here.”  Her hazel-green eyes fluttered open and she looked up at me with a tight lipped smile. I knew she wasn’t ready for this and neither was I but I knew we both couldn’t live with the anxiety that there could possibly be something wrong with our baby. I helped her sit up and I propped up a pillow behind her so she could rest comfortably. Cas walked over to the bed with a grim look set upon his face. “Are you two ready?”

With Castiel on the right side of the bed, I rounded the bed to sit down on the left side with Scarlett. As soon as I was within her reach, she grabbed a white-knuckled hold of my right hand with her left. I ran my thumb over her solid silver wedding band letting her know that I was there with her through anything, remembering the day that I’d made the promise to love her till the day I die, all those years ago. 

Cas finished his examinations, more like his grace did, with a small smile on his face. Scarlett spoke up. “Is the baby ok?”  “Moreover, you’re currently pregnant with an extremely healthy baby girl.”  A. What.  

Scarlett’s POV

Did he just say a girl? I turned to Dean with a beaming smile on my face, his the same. “We’re havin’ a girl Sweetheart.”  Dean whispered. Tears were running down both our faces, unable to contain our relief and excitement. I nodded and pulled Dean’s face closer to mine. Our foreheads pressed against one another, breathing the same intimate air. “We’re gonna be ok.”  Dean leaned forward slightly to capture my lips in a short, sweet kiss. “Yeah.” He breathed. “Yeah, we are.”  

[tiktaalic]

If you have the energy I would be very curious for your top book recs and/or your top destiel fic recs

i started using storygraph this year and here's what i put on it and liked:

manhunt by gretchen felker-martin

leech by hiron ennes

the devil and the deep by ellen datlow. short story collections, 99.9% of them good

the devil takes you home by gabino iglesias

dark places by gillian flynn. this is one her pre gone girl novels iirc. it's gillian flynn. if you like her other ones you'll like this one. it's a little clunkier than her others but still pretty good.

disappearance at devil's rock by paul tremblay. i love the majority of his novels and short stories. i dont love paulbearer's club though. that one i didn't like. the rest thumbs up. also read a head full of ghosts by him which pairs GREAT if you precede it with we have always lived in the castle (shirley jackson).

the dinosaur artist by paige williams. i read a lot of science nonfiction because i love to get really mad. it's good! but you'll get mad.

the little friend by donna tartt. little friend a book about women by donna i was also shocked. stylistically similiar to the goldfinch. little miss 600 pages of doing fuck all as a plot. and i like this author i love her. NOT the secret history though.

the feather thief by kirk wallace johnson. another one that will make you so fucking mad so so so mad. 👍

annihilation by jeff vandermeer

into the raging sea by rachel slade. getting mad about boats this time

the authentic animal by dave madden.

i'm glad my mom died by jennette mccurdy. listened to this on a 12 hour drive. good god.

and this is a link to my ao3 bookmarks. you can filter it to spn. i'm fairly good about bookmarking things i really really enjoy. i'm less good about keeping up my tagging system but there is a semblance.

[angelsdean]

in the good Bloody Mary episode that lives in my mind neither of them can properly say “Mary.” They both get choked up, throats constricting, voices shaky and stuttering. “Bloody M-Mary. Bloody Ma-ry. Bloody M-m-mary.” When they’re researching Marys that died violent and unusual deaths and Dean says he’s doing a nationwide search his voice should waver a bit, his eyes glassy as he stares at the screen. Their Mary isn’t there of course, because her death was ruled an accident. And at this point in the case they’ve already narrowed down the search parameters to included only Marys that died in front of mirrors, but still. He’s haunted and waiting for the ghost of his mother to show up in the search results. Like, the whole time they’re both thinking, what if Bloody Mary is somehow Mom. 

And then when one of the friends of the girl whose dad died asks, “Oh my God. Do you really think her dad could've killed her mom?“ Sam says, “Maybe” and Dean makes a face, but once again in the good spn that lives in my mind, one flavor is that John killed Mary and Dean found out recently and then killed John before the pilot, and finally got the ‘thing that killed Mary’ and that’s Dean’s secret, the one Bloody Mary is after him for. And anyways, in the good Bloody Mary that lives in my mind the friend asks that and Dean’s eyes grow dark, because yeah, it’s possible. And he knows just how possible. And maybe he thinks Bloody Mary is doing the right thing. Because even though he killed his dad and he thinks John deserved it, he’s still Dean and conflicted by guilt and shame. And he doesn’t think much of himself and maybe Bloody Mary, who he can’t stop thinking of as his mom, should kill him for what he did. Maybe he deserves it. 

So when Sam  decides he’s going to be the one to summon Bloody Mary, Dean goes along with it, but at the last second intervenes. He knocks Sam out (”sorry Sammy”) and says in shaky breaths Bloody Mary three times. And for a second he sees Mary, in her nightgown, staring back at him in the reflection of the mirror. But then he blinks hard, squeezes his eyes shut, and the real Blood Mary is there. And she’s taunting him, “I know what you did. You killed your Daddy. What kind of son does something like that?” And the real Bloody Mary keeps flickering to the image of Mary in her nightgown, and Dean’s sobbing, tears mingling with the blood streaming down his face, and he’s just choking out, “I’m sorry, Mom, I’m sorry. But he killed you, Mom. It was his fault and he lied to us--and I had--I had to kill him.” And Bloody Mary is getting closer and closer and Dean is just delirious sobbing, “Please, Mom, please.” And that’s when Sam wakes up, just in time to flash a mirror in front of Bloody Mary to stop her. 

Afterwards, Sam is like, “wtf happened back there? You--you called her m-mom...” and Dean shakes it off like, “Ah, she was just fucking with my head.” And Sam’s like, “...What was your secret? Who--who died?” And Dean laughs, hollow, and says, “Who hasn’t? This job...there’s so many people I couldn’t save. So many people that died because of me, because I wasn’t quick enough or--or smart enough to figure it out.” And they leave it at that but there’s tension in the car and Dean flips the question on Sam, and Sam says what he says in the episode. And they both know they’re lying to each other. And Sam looks out the window and sees Jess’ ghost, and Dean looks in the rearview mirror and sees nightgown-Mary sitting in the backseat. 

[drsilverfish]

Legend of a Mind 1x05 The Winchesters - Holy Ghost Dean as Therapeutic Narrator

I’m just catching up, on my delayed British-time watching, so I haven’t jumped in to see what everyone else has been posting yet, but you’ve got to have been screaming at the TV during this episode, as a Supernatural fan, right?

A Djinn, the SPN creature which can enter and alter dreams (whilst it feeds on the blood of those it has enthralled) takes John (and us) into Mary’s mind to face her deepest trauma: 

First to a younger self traumatised by slaughtering a were-wolf boy (who turned back into human form and begged Mary not to kill him)::

Then to an even younger self, who’d just been told monsters were real by her hunter parents, and that she would have to grow up learning how to kill them::

Mary expresses how that took away her choices, and was fundamentally traumatising for her:

And John Winchester, John freaking Winchester, who traumatised Sammy and Dean the same way, recognises that trauma and says:

Then Mary gets to tell her younger self this:

My theory that The Winchesters is a therapeutic narrative in which Holy Ghost Narrator Dean gets to re-write his family trauma, feels like it’s manifesting. 

Dean, who took years to un-learn the black-and-white view of humans vs monsters his father taught him... And here we are in an episode where Tony the part-human, part-Djinn boy is a “monster” who isn’t, who helps people (and now a love interest for Lata). 

Dean, who didn’t get a version of John Winchester who recognised hunting and monsters were inappropriate for child-Dean. And here we are, with a version of John Winchester who can see that.

Dean, who would have saved himself so much pain and self-loathing, if he’d been able to talk kindly to his younger self and acknowledge how scared he was, as a kid, and as a young adult. And here Mary is able to do that for herself (at around the same age Dean was at the start of Supernatural). 

And, if we remember that SPN was playing consciously with the narrative form of the ouroboros by the end (the circular narrative which ascends as it swallows its tail) this is another turn of the wheel. SPNWin 1x05 Legend of a Mind echoes with the start of the Supernatural narrative (Season 1). 

1x05 Bloody Mary (of course a deliberate name-echo of dead Mary Winchester) is all about mirrors and reflections and guilt:

And look at the mirror images and reflections in the cinematography of SPNWin 1x05 Legend of a Mind, like this one of Ada and her son Tony-the-Djinn:

And this one of John and his mother Millie (note the crack in the mirror):

Both parent-child shots tell us to think about the narrative mirroring between Mary and Dean.

In SPN 1x06 Skin we really see Dean’s self-loathing when he confronts the shapeshifter which has taken his form:

Mary’s therapeutic conversation with her child self in SPNWin 1x05 is the antidote to that self-loathing. 

I realise this post might seem as if it belongs to the “Secret Good Supernatural/ The Winchesters which lives in my head” genre of post, but I do think that what is, on the surface, a cute Scooby-Doo with insectoid aliens show, becomes something else entirely once it is read as a continuation of its parent-text Supernatural. 

And it’s all there (the narrative spiral) in the Dusty Springfield song Windmills of Your Mind which plays out the episode:

Round like a circle in a spiral, like a wheel within a wheel Never ending or beginning on an ever spinning reel Like a snowball down a mountain, or a carnival balloon Like a carousel that's turning running rings around the moon Like a clock whose hands are sweeping past the minutes of its face And the world is like an apple whirling silently in space

[shinelikethunder]

i think one of the reasons SPN makes for such an endlessly gnawable chew toy for people's brains (ok yeah it's me i'm people's brains) is that you never run out of material for three key ways to engage with it in utter sincerity:

"this FUCKS and i am UNWELL in the HEAD about it" (applies whether "this" is objectively good or a trashy-compelling tire fire or both)

".....baby i can fix you. babygirl you have sooo much wrong with you, your issues have issues, but please pspspsps c'mere there IS a secret good version of you that can live in my head i swear"

going "fuck it" and being a spiteful petty little hater for fun

[soullessjack]

saw ur post abt wanting asks and i unfortunately cannot think of anything worthwhile to say. have been sitting here typing up and deleting asks for a little while. anyways. so tired i am going to die. in the secret good supernatural that presumably lives in your head, what happens to jack? like instead of becoming god because i'm aware you do not approve of his canonical ending (and i agree it was shit and unnecessary) what do you think would be his real happy ending. i have a fix-it au in my head for all of the spn characters because the finale did them all dirty and i am wondering if ur the same

I mean the closest we get to seeing what jacks idea of real/true happiness is in Byzantium when his heaven was shown to be the case in tombstone, eatin rest stop burgers and learning how to read a map with TFW, so I think just being with them again would be the best ending for him overall

but ofc leading up to that I’d want some proper redemption + reconciliation between them (especially dean and jack) ,, perhaps jack actually lashing out at everyone who continuously used him & the overall unfairness of his life ……. Perhaps having actual friends and and all the mundane human things he wanted out of life ….. im a girl of many wants

[follows-the-bees]

I'm celluloidbroomcloset's anon about SPN fandom. You're very lucky! In my corner of the fandom the fans don't even know Buckleming are two people, think Bobo (BOBO!) is pro-wincest, and are convinced "the writers" have been gaslighting us all along. To these fans there's no such thing as corporate interference, "the writers" hate us and call us crazy, queer coding is just another word for queerbait, and Destiel only exists because of Misha and the fandom. They're on every script release post and deleted scene gifset screaming how dare "the writers" cut this and how dare they call us crazy for seeing Destiel.* "The secret good SPN that lives in my head" is their favorite phrase and calling everything good "the writers" did just a happy accident is their favorite hobby. That bit I said about people saying the writers suck on the scripts they wrote is not hyperbole. I have seen it said, right after going on about how shippy the cut scenes are, far more often than should ever happen.

Maybe it's not fair to paint all of us transplanted SPN fans with the same brush, but I do know some of those same people I fought with over things like the Cas and Crowley "maybe he's your boyfriend" scene or the script-cut scene of Dean spreading Cas's ashes at the windmill are here as well. I am also a fandom old, been here since the beginning, and have been fighting against the nonexistent monolith of "the writers" since about season eight. "The Writers Suck" has been an SPN fandom mantra for a very long time and it does spread to other fandoms SPN fans who shout it have moved into.

You are, again, very lucky and I am glad you've gotten to see some of the best of the SPN fandom. I am not so lucky and have seen all of the worst and it is getting a foothold in OFMD. I don't want it to spread more than it already has.

*"The writers" calling us crazy is entirely made up, twisted from an incident when an executive for WB was bullied off twitter by Destiel fans because he didn't know Destiel was a thing. It led to a hard pushback on Destiel from corporate, which led to the infamous "three straight guys" press releases for season nine, and is the origin of Misha's "you're not crazy" tweet. It had nothing at all to do with "the writers" save for forcing them into even more heavy queer coding and dodging censorship.

Hello!

I will start by saying that I too have seen instances of people blaming the writers, but they have not been the most prominent. So, I know it is a thing. But for the most part, I have seen mainly CW and WB said as the queer censors.

I think our experiences are very different for two reasons: while I watched SPN pretty much from the beginning, I did not join the fandom until after the finale. And I joined SPN twt, which you have to heavily start muting or blocking people. I highly curated my tl, so most people who told me Cas' love confession was platonic or would tell me that I was wrong for saying the finale was bad were not present. Of course, I still get those people coming onto my posts, but not as much.

I joined Tumblr just over a year ago, and I have just started moving over my filmmaking metas.

And living in the trenches of it like you have as everything has been developing, and coming in after, being able to look at SPN as a whole can lead to very different outcomes and experiences.

I did not have to experience live the disagreements, but I have caught up on many of them as well as all the new stuff that has happened after the finale.

I am very confused about what side of the fandom you are on - at first I thought it sounded like the brothers first side, but then you talked about the "good spn that lives in my head" and I have seen that a lot with the Destiel side (to be fair, I have heavily blocked bronlys since I am a TFW fan). I'm not quite sure how someone can think Bobo is pro-wincest. He wrote the second divorce arc and Cas' love confession, tying phrases from as early as Cas' introduction into the speech. And for Dean's side, just like when Mary died the second time, he cries and goes mute (which is what he does when he is overwhelmed emotionally). Sam called him and he didn't pick up, crying on the floor. That shows how much he cares about Cas, he's in so much grief he cannot pick up the phone for Sam.

Ok, moving on. I guess my "side" of the fandom is analytical. I personally study the writers and the filmmaking (cinematography and camerawork) and how those aid in the character and plot development. I am also personally in the middle where I love all of TFW (honestly every character on the show) but also ship Destiel. I can tell you exactly which writers I like (Edlund, Thompson, Carver, Perez, and such) and which I don't (Buckleming - they will always have a weird sexual thing or take Dean back down to S1 basics in their episodes.)

One of my biggest pet peeves in fandom are people blaming writers for decisions that were made later on down the line. And I have pushed back on that numerous times. It makes me sad to know that this is still prevalent and that it is being spread to other fandoms. I can only hope that changes in the future.

I have seen a huge divide in the people I know who are both SPN and OFMD fans. And most of that revolves around Izzy's character. But that's another topic for another day.

I'm trying to remember if I have seen any "blaming" of the writers in the OFMD fandom. I have unfortunately seen some: mainly criticism of DJ and how the ending of S2 went down. I think most of that deals with how you felt about Izzy's death (I've seen several people say it is exactly like Dean's - I personally do not agree with that, yes it has echoes, but Izzy and Dean are entirely different characters and represent entirely different arcs and ethos in the show).

Also used to weaponize the OFMD ending is the "the ending will be satisfying." I could write a whole essay about this, but just like with SPN, a very divided fandom, I've come to see OFMD is also very divided, so no, the finale was not going to be satisfying to everyone. Especially because it is the end of an Act II of III, the famously darkest moment/plotpoint of a story. BUT there was no cliffhanger, there are threads to follow with everyone's story. There is hope and love and joy. And that is "satisfying."

I feel like this is a long response and I apologize if it turned into rambling. I guess that's what happens when you're a writer. Lol.

I completely agree with you. I am worried about blaming the writers gaining a foothold in another fandom. Especially on a show that at every turn has shown how much care they have put into the show. That allows a collaborative environment for the cast and crew. That makes sure not to punch down. And has not made fun of fans and their beliefs and readings of the show (yes, that is a dig at SPN and how they treated fans) but instead embraces them. Samba went to set on days he didn't have to just to take videos for us!! I hope the fandom can embrace the love and hope the show radiates instead of giving into poison.

[mattmaesonnatural]

in the secret good spn that lives in my head. Jack was always born as a baby and that anger but need to nurture and care for this helpless powerful being. The toll it would have on dean would literally destroyed worlds. jackles would’ve gotten emmy noms.