#the signs are lining up esp as i didnt want to go home for my birthday and my bestie was tryna convince me to stay for it

[nerdie-faerie]

Me: *still hasn't started my assignment that's due at noon tomorrow*

Spotify: hey did you know there's a concert being held nearby for an artist you like on your birthday next year :)

Me, doesn't even like celebrating my birthday but needs no prompting to be distracted: oh really? Well I need to know more right this second

[yiqiie]

i hv to say i disagree respectfully with the last ask saying the jiang siblings turned away from wwx! the way i see it, jc has always been showing how he cares abt wwx, he was the one to pick up pieces after wwx messes up, he lost his golden core to protect wwx, he went to burial moulds bc he wants to protect wwx, he didnt tell wwx he lost his core bc he was trying to protect wwx & make wwx feel guilty... & i agree w your reply, cause jc is a sect leader he cannot afford to do things 1/?

like wwx, he has too much to consider. i honestly cant see how jc has turned away from wwx. & jyl was always the most selfless & kind, she cared for her brothers so much, she only got w jzx after he became better, he was a jerk when hes young but he even agreed to let wwx come to see jl, he really did love jyl, he didnt even do anything that terrible. but the point is how could we say jyl turned away from wwx when she literally DIED FOR HIM? 2/3

anyway i am passionate abt jiang siblings they could hv been SO much more, i loved their dynamics & yunmeng shuangjie will forever hv a place in my heart, healthy relationships are maintained by all parties & none of them are faultless because they are human ! 3/3

i’ll chuck my answer under a keep reading! 

i agree with you 100% i think the yunmeng bros relationship is very complicated and there’s a lot of factors that actually play into it 

the thing is he does sorta turn away from wwx in the end though, the whole reason why lwj is so antagonistic towards jc is that he didn’t do more when he could’ve, showing his support for wwx as a sect leader and as a brother would have meant a lot more than the bare minimum lwj was able to do (he blames himself for it too but that’s another lwj character study to go into that will get way too long here) 

yes he does do a lot to protect wwx esp at the start when they’re ‘estranged’, he makes sure wwx gets to see his sister in her wedding clothes he does truly care about him because they’re brothers at the end of the day but he also lets the gossip and sect leader talk get to him and to me that’s his biggest character flaw 

and his incapability of talking about his emotions but that’s apparently common for everyone alskdjasd 

there’s a fine line to walk between not caring about what others say about him, yunmeng jiang and wwx and maintaining his reputation and respectability as a sect leader; he’s allowed to not let what others say behind their backs get to him and still be a sect leader, he didn’t have to have such violent reactions and let everything people say affect him so much but that’s literally just jc’s personality, he cares about wwx but at the same time he’s thinking ‘why did you have to go and do this, why are you making it so hard for me to try and help you’ and it quickly turns into pretty ugly thoughts 

when wwx comes back, his first reaction is ‘why didn’t you come home to lotus pier the minute you came back to life’ and he’s so majorly pissed off about it, it shows that deep down he does care about him and he misses his brother but tbf it’s been 16 years (or 13 years in mdzs) and he’s spent every waking moment searching for any sign of demonic cultivation and literally just torturing them + jin ling is a reminder every day that wwx is reason why his only nephew doesn’t have parents any more SO i can see why he is a little bit more emotionally inept than usual

i personally don’t think reconciliation is possible for them in the future; respectfully maintaining distance and not at each other’s throats, yes, but i don’t think they can ever be what they were before (doesn’t mean i don’t enjoy reading yunmeng bro reconciliation fics alskdj) they’ve both said too much and hurt each other beyond their breaking points and i just don’t think a relationship that’s broken down this much can ever really be repaired 

i honestly don’t know what my point was i’ve gone on such a tangent i’ve like lost track BUT IN CONCLUSION jc is a complicated angry grape and while i’m not his biggest fan (personal opinion) i can recognise that beneath all that there’s a little part of him that will always care about wwx and value his wellbeing even if he hates seeing wwx with lwj lmao 

QUICK NOTE ABOUT SHIJIE, in this household we stan shijie and all the women in the untamed who all deserved better but unfortunately mxtx hates women

[milkie-yoongi]

21 Questions Tag

yay i love these! especially because i cant go anywhere right now so imma try to find more! thank you @honeyvoicehwang for the tag :)

Name: starts w an S. read the about me section on my blog 

Gender: female

Star Sign: pisces !!!! 

Current Time: 1:15 PM

Favorite Artist(s): bts, bap, taeyang, song ji eun, eaeon, any OST artist tbh and theres lots more but im only listing the korean music ones

Favorite Song: sweet night - taehyung its just refreshing and sentimental i dont know how to describer  

Song Stuck in Your Head: this one annoying song song by this lady i dont know that i keep hearing everyone dance to on tik tok because my friend keeps showing me can she stop tanks 

Last Movie You Saw: in theatres? the star wars one, i love D-O i shouldve asked for that remote control robot for birthday i love dumb silly robot

Last Thing You Googled: “reddit” lol im looking for answers for lots of stuff rn

Other Blogs: nothing on here, one blog is enough to keep up with ehe

Main Blog: @milkie-yoongi

Do You Get Asks: i used to, now its rare but people be busy and im not consistently active so i get it, i love asks though please send some in esp at this time in life

Reason For Your URL: lol i don’t even know if there was a real reason behind it, i originally wanted to make a yoongi instagram fanacc but i liked tumblr more so i thought, why not make one there and just see how it does? it was only supposed to be for my personal entertainment and i didnt expect to meet so many wonderful people on here or for it to blow up as quickly as it did when i posted constantly. i didnt expect to be this invested in it either, but here i am today c: . i think i chose “milkie” as the first part of the name because i wanted a pastel/soft theme that was whitish/blueish and yoongi is baby to me and i associate that with that with “milk” and to make it flow better i just added “ie” then of course it was meant to be a yoongi blog so i added yoongi at the end because his name just as it is is beautiful. 

Following: 193

Average Amount of Sleep: when im stressed or have to wake up early its around 5-6.5 hours (kinda like yoon yeh), and if i dont have to wake up early and am not stressed i sleep around 7-10 hours. i feel dead everyday though, how do people have energy? 

Lucky Number: 13! idk, i dont believe in luck but 13 is a cool number and i always liked it! 

Currently Wearing: why do you wanna know? some of these asks make me feel like im being interrogated by the fbi hahaaa but im staying at home today soo a black long sleeve with white small dolphin sillhouetes on the side and sleeves and black leggings. fun right? 

Dream Job: at first i never had one, but now i realized i really want to work from home with my laptop. i dont mind what it is as long as i have fun doing it and that it lines up with my values, and i do have a few ideas regarding this, im not gonna put them out here so no one STEALS. because why work for someone else on someone else’s time when you can thrive the best doing what you like and taking advantage of the technology given? i know its gonna be a long road with lots of trial and error but thats what i really want so i can spend more time on what matters in life later on, like taking care of myself and being with family/friends! aside from online jobs though id love to be a piano teacher/piano accompanist because thats the only thing job wise that gives me joy right now. 

Dream Trips: anywhere with good food :D right now definitely korea, japan, new zealand, the more nature-y islands in hawaii, anywhere in europe, probably more places but i cant think of any right now. also ive only been on an airplane once in my life! 

Favourite Foods: anything with white rice it just makes eating so much easier and enjoyable. meats. seafood like the ones at the restaurants where they give you the bibs which i do not wear and they dump the lobster shrimp and crab and corn all over the table and you can just eat it however you want. 

Play Any Instruments: pianopianoapinaoooapinaooapianoo! i used to play violin too in middle and HS but it made my head and jaw hurt and it was gross to me at the time i could not play in tune and i ate in orchestra class all the time instead of paying attention maybe thats why i got worse as i got older, but thats okay because with pianos you dont need to worry about playing in tune but im tempted to pick the violin up again and maybe even try viola...because violas are better i dont care what violin nerds have to say :P

Tagging:

@smolshooky @jincendio @yosunyoongi @heyitsminyoongi @yoongisugameow @xbabyboysx @cpt-falcon @roseghostly @kpoplittleheadcannon @shin-kun1995 @weezbelyse @blackzwaan-yoongi @minsugas-ass @sunshines-babie @agustkeys

if you see this but arent tagged, feel free to do it anyway! 

[strigiiformes]

11, 22, 33, 44, 55, 66, 77, 88, 99

O BOY okie dokie lets gooo

11. favorite social media account

uhhH of mine? i like using tumblr tbh. just in general??? @woogwoo-wren lol

22. do you go to the gym? 

nervous laughter....no.... i should? tbh? back when i was at home i just exercised in the backyard but now i live in dorms and theres always lines for the gym + so many people there + im literally just super lazy oops

i should probably go for runs or something....take my bike out...will consider

33. favorite actor? 

not to be predictable or anything but jeremy jordan. when i realized he played varian i was like oh hes going to be my favorite. and i was RIGHT

44. what is your biggest fear? 

hm. permanently losing motivation. not measuring up to how others perceive me. my parents looking at my internet presence and kicking me out of the house. wasps. it’s the little things, yo

55. dream job?

oh! i wanna get a job working in a lab on a team in some kind of bio-related research. i love animal science (esp animal behavior) and i also dig genetics so id love to get a chance to incorporate + learn more about both. a lab relating to making new stuff or maybe museum work would be super cool? i havent really nailed anything down.

and then the other half of me wants to go back to being an actor! i’d say writer but i prefer that as a hobby rather than a job. motivation sure is a fickle thing.

66. have you ever won a spelling bee? 

LOL i have not!! i’m pretty good at spelling but i was homeschooled before high school so we didnt really...go to those....... pfft

77. do you miss anyone right now?

i SUPER miss my brother and my friends from high school because im the only one from my school to go to my current university and we’re only like a few weeks into the year and everything’s online so ... safe to say no familiar faces. yet. and it’s been so long since ive seen any of my hs friends

also my cats :CCCCCC

88. do you like it when people play with your hair? 

if you play with my hair (unless i actively dislike you, which is like two people on earth period) i will love you like forever? please? please do that? thanks?

99. what is your zodiac sign 

i think my friend told me i was a libra once but i actively do not believe in zodiac stuff and i love nepeta so im claiming her sign. i think that’s how astrology works. i make the rules

[hiraethstill]

THIS WEEK AND LAST WEEK ON DAIYA NO ACE (7/16 and 7/23)

SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT!

7/16 LIVEBLOG:

IMMEDIATE assault by eijun's handsome face

and his DETERMINATION

every time the OP comes on im like where are the babies? THERE THEY ARE @ firsties

the way i GASPED

THIS IS HOW WE FELL IN LOVE WITH EIJUN I TELL YOU

haha poor audience member doesnt know sawamura is mostly good at swinging from the bunt stance

eijun... you have every right to be frustrated

ugh... the way he looks when he was a doormat to the ace... i feel this too much my chest hurts

"if i had pitched like furuya did today i wouldve been subbed out" TOO TRUE AND OUCH

HE HITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

THE BOIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

THE MAN THE MYTH THE LEGENDDD

AND JUST LOOK AT ASADA AND KUKI'S F A C E S

DOUBLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

lmao did eijun learn to run bases from mochi? now i want this

uhhh the announcer was wrong? the STANDS were all cheering and happy, it was mostly the dugout that was surprised

bc this is level of trust he gets from first string sigh

sorry all my frustration is here

HAHA OKAY BUT why does this look gayalso sawamura's little "na!" with the pew pew is so cute wtf

his lil cheeky face in the corner im hashjdlkdgj

haruichi and toujou in that shot look like they'd been helping him practice batting and it paid off 

hslkhg eijun and his "hips!" i cant

KANEMARUUUUUUUUU

HELL YEAH TAKUMI NICE SHOULDER

nice eijun is safe

haha i never know who to root for bc i love all the bois

okay but

has anyone ever talked about how cool amahisa's eyes are???

i mean

look at this

so cool

yoooo wtf amahisa's voice in this part is really appealing??? damnn

so... kanemaru's a capable batter even if he's not top tier, why you gotta keep making him bunt

oh well, i like that face you're making kanemaru

noooooooooooo

it's okay kanemaru you did your best

cmon mochi bring him home!!!!!!!!!!

EIJUN ENOUGH WITH THE HIPS LMAO

yeah thats right mochi + other batters, give him the run support he deserves

AMAHISA THE DISASTER BI IM

"did he shave his eyebrows? he looks like a strong fighter" are you just checking him out

you'd want him to do those jump kicks amahisa

moon-face?????

omg i feel the tinglings... of a rarepair... amakura.....................

what was i saying about his EYES??

come the fuck ON dont leave eijun stranded on second!!!!!!

H

HHHHH

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

MY BOISSSSSSSSSSS

SHOW ME YOUR FACEEE

(and u rite yall amahisa is yabai)

THERE BE YOUR FACEEEE

IM SO EMOTIONAL

AND HIS VOICE

FUCKLE

AND HIMSTDVEEE

whoaaa that slowmo pitching sequence!

HARUCCHIII

oh hello eijun upping the tempo and looking great doing it

wow this super HD sparkle miyuki

EIJUN IS BEAUTIFULLLL and lowkey this looks like the OP

ASADA AND KUKI MY SONS I WOULD DIE FOR YOUUUUUUUUUUUU

BEING SO EXCITED ABOUT THE CUTTER KAI AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I ALSO LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

HLKDHFS AURA

okay sun we gettin a lil cap happy

another pretty eijun shottttt

WHOA 3D BALL

3D SLOWMO BALL

N* H* TT * R

i feel like i jinxed him sorry eijun

also i LOVE when the stands yell OSH OSH OSH back

wow toujou's voice was. so cute??

noriiiii i love you so much and thank you

furuya silently reflecting huh?

YO WTF IN THE MANGA NORI'S CAP COVERS FURUYA'S NUMBER WTF ANIMATORS ITS ICONIC

awww theyre all patting him i wanna pat eijun too

NORIIIIII YOU ARE SO PRECIOUS

kanemaru's eyes are gray??

kousei-san.......... mayhaps i have.......... Feelings about this

"gureato" man tahara is great

HLJSKDFHKGSFJGKFHDGLDF BLONDE AMAHISA

THIS IS JUST FUELING MY AMAKURA LMAOOO

WHY IS BLONDE HAIR IN MIDDLE SCHOOL A RUNNING JOKE IN ANIME

kuramochi, amahisa, hyuuga from knb, alla dem yankees

oh my god is that suddenly shaved head amahisa still in first year he's so smol

wow kousei is so eccentric haha i love it

YESSS BRINGING BACK MANAKA-BOY

omg yakushi cameo!!

wow this is so pleasant to look at and idk why??

his eyeeesss

and this too omgg

I SEE NISHINO

omgggg are they who i think they are

YES THEY AREANIMATORS REALLY BE FEEDING ME TODAY

sorry mimei that was too much tension in a single glance not to be homoerotic

go shirasu-senpai!

wellll shit, rip zono and rip seidou

142 pitches???????? are they throwing out amahisa's arm imma fight

YO OKAY BUT DOES THIS MEAN INAJITSU VS ICHIDAI

"that wouldnt be any fun" uh you do realize you're talking about a person's physical health right audience member???

the. ace. is. not. the. only. player.

its okay this is the peanut gallery they dont matter in the long run

omg are the first years wearing their school uniform slacks

AWWWW TAKU OFFERED TO CARRY SAWAMURA'S BAG

taku always worried about everyone and sawamura looking rather nice actually

HLJSKFDHGD AMAHISA'S FACE LIGHTING UP AT EIJUN

omg was that a little bow eijun made at amahisa before moving on?

"something i want to ask you" are you boutta ask him out amahisa

im sorry i love eyes too much

and also! eijun getting the recognition he deserves!! buuuut from another team rip

cmon eijun he's trying to be nice tbh

lmao koushuu and shirakawa should meet... resting bitch face club 

"i've never seen kousei-san take interest in another pitcher" THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS TO UNPACK IN THIS STATEMENT

LMAO HE DID HE DID ASK FOR HIS LINE

my sonsssss

yes asada and kuki, be free! go move around!

asdkfh i just squee every time taku

and these lines on koushuu look so nice??

intense son

scremmm

he's so happy and fired up to see koushuu fired up im

wholeass Sons™

lmao koushuu getting mad for sawamura

my inexperience... yes kataoka

teito and inajitsu coaches lmao

500K rivals to fwb to lovers

ive always thought kunitomo's neck crack is so funny

UHHHHH CARLOSHIRA REALLY TOYING WITH MY HEART HERE

THIS IS NOT OKAY

IM NOT OKAY

mochi looking mighty fine in this shot

aw... ejun sitting alone....

just wanna say oda and kuroki very lesbian in the ED

preview

ooh mei batting

sawamura and furuya watching so intently!!

INUI KENGOOOOOO

aw... eijun turning to harucchi for support

oh man third years...

SUMMARY (7/16):

eijun DOUBLES!! 

rip seidou tho 

amahisa's eyes??? pretty??? 

ATTACC BY INAJITSU CAMEO 

taku offering to carry eijun's bag + serious senpai face 

careful amahisa your gay is showing 

koushuu mad on eijun's behalf lmao

inajitsu vs teito next!

7/23 LIVEBLOG:

ah yes, that tension-filled mimei look

CAN THEY STOP TESTING ME WITH CARLOSHIRA SCREENS

ooh this parallel of mei and mukai #1s

why does mei look so young at bat lmao

rather nice shot of mukai tbh

omg that tiny background akamatsu is adorable

WOW i love this shot

hell yeah mei kicking ass and taking names

boi... what you doin

KANETOU RIGHTS

kuraharu rights too!!

wow mochi's voice, never over it

BOI ARE THEY JUST SHOWING SHIPS LOOK AT MINORI

lookit mochi bein a good senpai

ooh eijun finally said no huh

mochi and harucchi look so concerned tbh i am too

mm and miyuki and furuya too huh

WHAT IS THIS BLEP STAHP

oowada always cracks me up lmao

esp when mine is so grave next to her

oh so mukai likes gambling? im not surprised lmaooo

INUI-SANNN I LOVE YOUUU

THE BOIIII

HE

H E

H I M S T

omg the way tetsu says carlos sounds all proud and im soft

PRETTY BOIS DOIN J O B S

GETTIN THAT BREAD

omg two RBIs too good job shirakawa!!!

omg im so glad mei encouraged itsuki

have i ever mentioned

inui x mukai RIGHTS

ESP THIS SEQUENCE OF MUKAI (AND INUI) PRACTICING

BOIIII

that toujou face... some toujou and mukai art i saw comes to mind

DAMN THE IMAGE WHEN INUI HITS IM WOW

also is carlos actually wearing his compression undershirt holy wow

he didnt used to at least

ANYWAY INUI DINGERRRRRRRRRRRRRR

HELL YAHHH

omg was that a little tiger next to inui SO CUTE

oh my god "mei-san mei-san" too cute

LMAO TOO LONG

MEI I SWEAR

yoo mei you okay there

SLOW MO BALL

okay why does he look so good please

OKAY WHY DOES HE LOOK SO GOOD PLEASE

do you know how many times i had to rewind for this screenshot

shirakawa also looks good frustrated fuckle

mei stop shakin off signs dammit

ooh nice akamatsu shot

seidou shares one (1) brain cell in this screen

much too short a game damn...

ive heard we were robbed of itsuki's blush??? cause hello i need catcher catcher goodness with him and inui

omg... they're literal children

SSLKDFHLSKDHGSSTOPPPPPPPPP

IM WEAK OKAY

I KNOW IT

I ACCEPT IT

HOW DAREMSTDVE

AND HIS V O I C E

WTFFFFFFFFFFFFF

hahaha anyway im just laughing at carlos being a momentary harada

"mei-san" !!!

mei x mukai... so chaotic

wow amahisa looks so nice???

lmao they really didnt HAVE to put harucchi in the bg when miyuki's talking to furuya but they DID

miyuki... looking at mei too long not to be homo there

eijun :c

oh man

that really hurt

the face of a SON tho

"so you are human after all" so many things i want to say about this

sawamura... doesn't seem to hold a grudge against furuya at all and honestly wow...

tho its def not furuya's fault i think thats a mark of him being pretty mature!

anyway im glad furuya wants to watch the video too

also nabe!!!!! i wonder how close eijun and nabe are and how many times eijun has bothered him for the videos haha

ochiai, a backup catcher... interesting

"he must overcome this on his own" do you know how many problems there are with this statement

yeah it wasnt fair

"for better or for worse" are you kidding

oh furusawa lmaoo

and nabe just patient over there

oh hello masayui and kanetou

anime fist clench

koushuu!!!

oh man miyuki introspection......... i know where this is going.........

appreciating sawamura's hard work and optimism!!!!!

HE IS READY DAMMIT

how many more times does he have to prove it to you

loveLY but also reused?

WOW IM EMOTIONAL ALL THESE MEMORIES...

ALSO THIS IS PRETTY DAMN GAY...

and the shadow of miyuki in the background... WOW

three months............. until the third years retire...........................................

im not okA Y............................

all the things this smile hides

preview

BOI YOU ALREADY PITCH THAT WELL

wow too many sons

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

BABY TAKUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

AND BABY KOUSHUU

END CARD WITH MANAGERS AAA CUTE

SUMMARY (7/26):

mei kicking ass and taking names 

mukai and his fooken BLEP 

PRETTY INAJITSU BOIS DOIN JOBS 

INUI DINGERRR 

inui/mukai rights 

mei + mukai actual CHILDREN 

carloshira stop attaccing sun challenge f a iled 

eijun @ harucchi :c 

three months... 

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! 

[divermoon]

thoughts on m.i.a.

loved seeing more of root and reese working together

maple town was so scary i mean that is what the whole world could maybe look life for a time with the neural grafts and everything under samaritan

and it was so clear that samaritan just wants to understand humanity so it can control. i mean that’s its purpose really, it has no moral code. greer keeps referring to it as a god who will decide what humanity will look like i keep wondering if samaritan has been given an idea for that or if its supposed to develop that itself after understanding humanity

my heart broke so many times throughout the episode

esp at the end

root and john desperately hunting sameen down. the scene where they torture that woman

“samantha” just call her root harold please (i think i has eeverything to do with her reverting more to what she used to be like, idk if ms groves has  to do with harold sense of propriety sometimes)

and like you could see that john got it. but at the same time like in death benefit he is loyal to finch

i mean i think a lot of it is he sticks to it bc its finch. he already does all the violence he cant but he wont cross that moral line :((( these two

as far as questioning orders go i like that he was so harsh to that woman. its also another reminder of all the things he blames himself for

a tiny part of my wanted her to blow up the factory at the end but thats probably a bit too action movie lmao and samaritan withdrew. its almost strange how cautious it can be

root flirting with that guy was painful and when he groped her i was ready to punch him

john eyeing all those guns was a funny moment

im glad we saw the police officer from the ep earlier in the season i mean her story with fusco filled the time and i like that she got to come back not a different number and the twist was good (i was fooled thinking she was striking out on her own when she went home and thought this isnt like poi.... heh)

the whole thing abt the burden of heroics yeah...... thematically that fits well. the reminder of what john blames himself for. the cost of the team losing sameen to bring the world back from the brink at the stock exchange....

seeing how much losing shaw effects everyone is good but so sad

the scene at the end though!! !

i get harolds point of view i really do but idk if he would think the same if it was john

i mean john was ready to tear ny apart looking for harold when root took him

but at the same time i hope he does believe TM has a plan, that he wasnt just saying that to placate root i changed my mind

i mean harold and hope.......... 

“sooner or later one of us will wind up dead” MAN he just wants to keep doing good until his dying breath and he doesnt shy away from hard choices like with controlling TM, with faking his own death, with having a new fake identity at 17 i think but at the same time i have a suspicion there might be development in that particular line of thinking in the next eps? idk i mean he’s right but at the same time i want them to find shaw asap

hes thinking of the long game and yet he went so cold and calls her a dear friend idk i think he probably drew a line in his head and said no further without something from TM i guess thats also a sign of trust in her. 

i cried root is so heartbroken not only has she lost shaw but now TM wont help her or explain she must feel even more alone now :(((

ROOT’S FACE WHEN SHE REALISES IT ISNT SAMEEN

STOP i mean i wish i knew how much TM knows.......if shes trying to honour sameens sacrifice for a while, if she knows theyre keeping her alive and she can hold on until their situation improves

does root know that TM didnt knowingly sacrifice shaw in if then else

:(((((((((( 

[jess-oh]

Reflection

HELLO JOURNAL!

im doing better! I made a few mistakes today but it’s okay bc i own up to it! i chose to stay up late last night with jason and help him with his homework and honestly, i think my crush is going away, haha. mostly bc i was trying to give him advice last night and he just kept brushing it off and avoiding the problem. i also found out hes really bitter. i think it’s partly a result of angela’s attitude and her influence bc hes normally so selfless and grateful. thats part of the reason why i took a liking to him in the first place. but now hes just so bitter and i didnt really know what to say. i guess my words came off like a lecture. but i was just frustrated bc he seemed so unhappy with his situation but wasnt willing to do anything about it or own up to the problems at hand. and this is definitely me being swayed by my emotions and i want to process this and approach this in a more loving, compassionate, and understanding way. i know it sucks when the community feels cliquey and toxic and i really dont know what to say to him. i would be lying if i said i didnt want to leave bc of that last semester. but God showed me clear signs to stay and invest so i will. and it’s been tough but I trust that I am doing good work here. Earl keeps offering his church to me but I’m sticking with Lakeview. At least for now. I know that I am called to be here and maybe that will change in the future but for now, this is where God wants me to be and I intend to carry out His will. But I don’t think Jason had that calling. He just came and stayed bc it’s where he was introduced and by default, convenient. I don’t want him to leave bc I think he has a lot to give, especially regarding his unique experiences in a “worldly lifestyle” that many of us lack an understanding/exposure of. But I trust in you God. I think the best thing to do is to just genuinely pray for him.

Dear God,

I do really care about Jason as a friend and it’s been pretty rocky for him. But I remember how excited he was to share his life with me when we met up for bibimbap last time and it was so encouraging. He’s so selfless and cares so genuinely for others and I know that you are going to use those gifts in really powerful ways for your Kingdom. And I am so excited for him! But right now, he isn’t doing too well and you know his heart better than anyone. I think he is secretly longing for you but keeps falling victim to the temptations of the world and is just too afraid to face the reality of the situation. But I pray that you will warm his heart and let him know that you are here. Not even just near. You are here. Within his heart. And you’re never letting go. I don’t want Jason to think or assume we’re going to judge him for his negative habits. I like to think that I’m pretty understanding of that kinda stuff but the truth is, I’ve never done it either and I’m still a prude at the end of the day. But I don’t have any room to judge and I just really pray that he doesn’t feel so ashamed of his own habits and mistakes and even if he doesn’t feel comfortable coming forward and telling us, I pray above all else that he feels and knows that he can always come to you. You love to unconditionally and recklessly, Lord. And I pray that he would know that too.

I pray all this in your name,

Amen.

I only walked 7k steps yesterday and I was pretty disappointed :( I woke up just as the train was leaving the 47 red line station and decided to take the 55 bus from the next stop, Garfield instead. And the bus came quickly which was nice. A man and his daughter sat across from me and we generally minded our own business. And I don’t know if I was afraid of being judged or rejected or if I was just too tired and half awake, but once they got off, I saw a bag of food left behind and wanted to ask if it belonged to them. But I was too slow. So I got off at the next stop instead and started running back. I do wish I ran faster or just continued to run so that I could’ve caught them but I didn’t. I was admittedly a little nervous venturing into the area but I just kept praying in my mind for God to protect me and lo and behold, He came through! I didn’t end up finding them but left the bag at a soup kitchen and posted a status on Facebook trying to spread word instead. I don’t know why I did it. Was it to prove that I’m a good person to myself or Jason? Was it to make me feel good? i don’t know. But what matters is that I did it. I got off that bus when I could have just as easily stayed and let someone else deal with it and just gone home. I knew that I really wanted to do my laundry tonight too and walking home just delayed the whole process. But I did it anyway and got my steps in as I walked home. I could’ve taken the bus but I really wanted to push myself. The only thing is, it was super humid. But I did my best not to complain and just keep on forging on ahead. And I did it! I got way more extra steps in and I was pretty proud of myself. I’m finally catching up to my other friends on the map! >:D Hehehehe. 

Oh, also, on my way home, Edgar sent me a funny gif of a giraffe and hoped that my day would get better. I’m still not really sure what prompted that message but it was nice. I thought about my few mishaps and it helped me realize that I have grown. I would’ve definitely complained about my misfortunate immediately and documented it via snapchat in the past but i didn this time. i just owned up to it and moved on. i was lowkey freaking out that i hadnt actually grown at all while thinking on the bus ride home and pulled out my phone to distract me instead. but that message from Ed was a nice reminder and sign from God that I have changed and grown and become a better person.

I saw James Kang’s insta today and his post about how this past year has really sucked but how he continues to have faith in the Lord and I’m genuinely happy he’s doing well. And I only want to take the time to apologize to him for my behavior during high school. I was so judgmental, and quick to make assumptions at that. And I ruled with an iron fist. I didn’t know what he was going through or what his life had entailed. I just assumed it was sheltered and well off like everyone else but that doesnt seem to be the case, esp according to what he wrote about. And I do want to be there for him. Really. I’m very sorry James. And I can’t promise that I won’t judge or act out again because I’m still growing and am not yet in a place so stable where that is a firm possibility. But I want to continue to try and get there. Please support me along the way.

Jason messaged me while I was typing this earlier and I was surprised to see him make the first message instead of me always trying to get a response out of him. And I was glad but the butterflies I previously would’ve felt were significantly quieter. I think I’m basically over it at this point. But I do still want to be there for him as a friend. And I’m not so worried that I’m going to accidentally replace Angela either. I think I was before bc I liked him in a romantic way and did want something more but not anymore. Now I just want to be a good friend for him.

And finally, I finally asked for Andrew’s advice regarding how to approach taking care of my friends from HS since theyre all pretty depressed Especially Jude and Keylee and I don’t know what to do to help. And he basically just said to be there for them and continue to offer help, support, and encouragement. Even if it feels like it isn’t working, I never really know what’s going on in their heads and it could be making a difference. Lowkey, I was pretty afraid that Jude was going to kill herself and could not even begin coming to terms with that horrendous future. But I want to be there for her bc she means a lot to me and deserves the best. She’s led a pretty shitty life thus far just as a result of her mom and family life and it really breaks my hear whenever I see her view herself so poorly. But I hope that at the very least, I can continue to be there for her.

Thank you God.

I pray this all in your name, Amen.

P.S. I finished choreographing “My God is Powerful”! Or mostly at least. I want to film and watch how the moves flow with the song and then send that to Jenny. I was going to do that tonight but it’s already 12:14am now and I texted Michaela to see if she was a mistake so as to not disurb her and she never responded so she probably is. Hopefully I can wake up early tomorrow morning, do the dishes, and film the video. It’s unlikely but it’s what I’m hoping for.