#the thing im upset about is sort of regarding my views abt it but not a ref to anything on here ugugugghrg

[strwbrymlkshake]

so upset and disgusted my stomach hurty </3

[guideaus]

so in recent hgsn chapters, we've got 'hikaru' acting real unusual, more than normal. the first time it happens is a bit after hikaru pulls out "half his insides", the 2nd is a more drastic version, hikaru does his eye thing (whether its mentally or physically) in the same way he previously did to asako where he admits he thought he should kill her, the only difference is his eyes beforehand. the third time happens again very soon after the second, hikaru now seemingly completely different. we'd probably guess he's not in control, but i want to say he doesnt even remember these events.

so first off im gonna talk abt hikaru lying. obviously, we've got 'hikaru' being introduced lying about his identity, the entire 1st vol revolves around the revelation and how both boys react to it. hikaru tries his best to act as hikaru and is very upset when he's found out. they get over it and yoshiki is now in on the secret,

our 6th month old ghost-god-boy's got terrible social skills for certain situations, dismissing certain concerns, laughing things off, reacting in an extreme, not normal way, or sheepishly not wanting yoshiki's disapproval. he clumsily struggles to follow yoshiki's reasoning why murder is bad and at that point already gleans that yoshiki probably wont like an admission of "yeah, i killed the neighborhood grandma",

hikaru's probably being more anxious about yoshiki's perception of him than his act morally, therefore he avoids telling the truth, he also spends half of ch 16 stressing over yoshiki's reaction. asako flat out says she wished to speak to the spirit, and hikaru literally doesnt react to that at all outside of thoughts about himself, and is still just a little guilty talking abt it later on.

hikaru did gain a bit of confidence before yoshiki momentarily gave up on him, or calms down at least to be able to suggest showing his inhuman qualities to yoshiki again, but isnt clear in what he says he'll do, once again freaking yoshiki out, even though it supposedly did help him against other spirits. hikaru's probably got a tied "love" of yoshiki and absorbing things, and got a little greedy, still not understanding how to even broach the request.

my point with all this is that he usually feels guilty, or some sort of emotion, about his actions, especially in regards to yoshiki and that does show he remembers what he's done. but in contrast to those moments, on this page where yoshiki asks him why he went to his door, hikaru cant come up with an answer. hikaru, who gives a dopey smile to asako once again accusing him of not being human, doesnt show a hint of hiding a secret for going to yoshiki's house before. hikaru looks more confused at even trying to recall what yoshiki's referencing, as if yoshiki asked him abt some unimportant comment from long ago

hikaru marvels at yoshiki's soul, and is very sure he doesn't want yoshiki to die, and even includes asako in his thoughts, and becomes extremely upset at the thought of yoshiki dying.

later, after hikaru decides to prove himself to yoshiki, he got his head lopped off by a special ghostbusters sword, and has a scar duct tape apparently cant fix, so i wonder if because of this he cant balance his body too well and is acting too much like his original, spirity self, viewing yoshiki first as only soul, not even with a body, maybe in the same way the other spirits view humans?

anywayss, hikaru's said he cant quite remember his role as a being and what he even did before, hence yoshiki carrying their ghost project, but also, before, he at least acted in yoshiki's defense. he declares he'll protect yoshiki and uses his funky eye to be all ghosty, but now he does it in a different way completely, the eye making a diff shape. yoshiki might become a snack instead of hikaru's wish and hikaru might not even remember what happened

[monochromemedic]

Same spamton honkers anon here dhsnsns

Your entire rant resonated hard w me bc i acc have an art blog myself but its kind of underground (i made it at the beginning of 2020 in hopes that i could gain some sort of audience cuz i occasionally post on it) and i always wanted to be a [big shot] artist. I have been struggling with severe negative artistic self view and i also do the grave mistake of comparing my art to others every so often WITHOUT EVEN REALIZING AT FIRST like i see some art i like, i rb it then my mind does this thing where its like "ok god i WISH THAT WERE ME tho" and i just ????? Damn shawty ok!!!

I feel the same regarding doodles and studies, as u said, i'd prob feel better breaking and twisting my spine on a piece continuously for one week but i legit dont have the time, patience and overall energy for that kinda shit☠☠☠ i think it boils down to every individual, some love posting and spending hours and hours on a piece, others center around doodles and small projects. Trust me im still so mf overly critical of myself despite the fact that im doing relatively better compared to last year but its almost as if when im rlly proud of smth and i post it and it doesnt gain as many notes (which ik isnt a clear indicator of quality but yknow) i just go like "damn ok then" dbsbxbns if u would like to talk abt such matters im here🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶

All in all i'd say give it time, maybe dont straight out post smth as soon as its done bc i find taking a break then coming back to it sometimes helps change my perception of the drawing??? But fr i absolutely love ur art myself no cap💔

I really do feel you. I know being negative and beating myself down about my art is like very counter productive but I got into the habit a long time ago and now I can't seem to get out of it as easily as I started. I know every artist struggles with some form of it and you only see the finish product not the time it took to make it or progress. It's a very shitty situation because most of the time you only see the creative process from YOUR point of view and only see the end products of others. But even with all this information it's like it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if other artists struggle or feel the same way, they push something out, they get a good piece and yet you don't. You still compare even if you don't mean to, you're upset you can't be them or at their level and you wanna get feedback, you wanna have people look at your art you wanna make people laugh or whatever it is you hope to accomplish but to you it just looks incorrect because it will forever be YOURS. And I don't know how to get comfortable with my progress, where I am with my art currently or the fact my art will always be mine. I'd say it's nice to hear you feel that same way but I never like hearing people suffer the same viewpoint about their art, it just makes me sad that they gotta deal with the same shit. Makes me wish I could help but ya know kinda hard to. I guess I hope we both push past it. That's a good idea though. sitting on something and maybe coming back to it at a later date even if it is finished. I hear artists do a lot of WIPs. I honestly never have, I think I have one but I've never really strived to make art that took more then one session or I was too fast and quickly finished it up in the one session it took. I'm just learning I gotta take more time with my art, think things through, give it the love it deserves even if it's kinda stinky. Which ya know fights the 'why are you taking so long on this piece, people could have finished it by now' mentality. It's an endless circle. I go too quick? Why didn't I take longer on it, it could have been better if you spend 24 hours on it. I go too slow to draw something? Someone could have done that in half the time! How artists get over their art struggles, has got to take some serious determination. Or maybe it's just some [BIG SHOT] attitude adjustment I gotta get into *wink*