#the water is safe I objectively know this lmao I am not dying but boy if I can't convince my lizard brain of this one simple truth rip

[painted-bees]

It's 2 am and I am having an anxiety attack because I drank water from a different source than the one my brain has deemed "safe"--and now it thinks I am dying.

[vento-di-fata]

Heilig - Kaminari Denki x OC

Hello everyone! This is my entry for @kazooli 's contest, for which I chose the following prompt:

While I love my beautiful tired boi, I decided to change the destination of the prompt to Kaminari Denki a.k.a my pikachu prince <3, for which I can write better and also I know better as a character.

Hope you like it!

Trigger warning: graphic description of panic attacks and depression, implied/referenced self-harm, suicidal thoughts and medication overdose

If you feel like any of these warnings may affect you, please refrain from reading further. I tried my best to portray my character's disability and her and Kaminari's struggles with mental health as realistically as possible.

The title is inspired by the song Heilig by Tokio Hotel. Yep I still like Tokio Hotel because I’m still in my emo phase since I was 7, sue me.

Heilig

It wasn't the first time it happened.

Actually, it happened so many times that Moe had gotten kind of used to it.

It had been a stable occurrence since her childhood, and so many time there were mornings when she would wake up and know that she couldn't do it that day.

First it was the weight on her chest, then the numbness that seemed to fill her head with white static noise, like the one made by her hearing aids that time she broke them.

Then, it was the whirlwind of thoughts and anxiety, that made her heart race and her hands tremble uncontrollably.

On those times, if she managed to get out of bed, she just plugged out her hearing aids and took her medications, then went to class like always, completely zoning out until it was time to go home.

If anyone noticed, no one ever asked, for there was nothing to say.

Nothing for her to hear.

On those times, Moe wondered if joining U.A. had been a good decision. She never knew about heroes like her

(Disabled, said her mother.

Broken, said the rest of the world.)

and on those times she thought that maybe there was a valid reason why.

On those times, the colorful line of pills disposed neatly on her bedside table that she had to gulp down every morning felt like a constant reminder that something was wrong with her, that she was flawed, not good enough because heroes shouldn't be like this.

But she still swallowed them, childishly telling herself that it was the last time, this time the pills would fix her.

But it never was.

With a sigh, Moe rolled onto her back and blindly reached for her phone, squinting her eyes as the light of the screen blinded her for a second.

11:30 am.

She overslept again. Fuck.

With trembling fingers she typed a message to her boyfriend Denki, asking him to come over in the afternoon, and her thumb lingered on the send button for a while.

He probably had homework to do and didn't have time to deal with her. She should probably just let him be.

Just as she stared blankly at the screen, thumb barely brushing on the button, a message from said boyfriend popped in the chat.

PikaDenki: Hey Moe-chan, do you mind if I crash at your place after school? I have homework and cookies! Plis I luv u babe <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Cloudy Freckles: I wanted to ask you the same thing lmao also cookies sound fantastic please tell me they're with chocolate chips

PikaDenki: Chocolate chips it is! See ya after school love <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3 remember to drink something and take your meds <3 Love you fluffle puff <3

Cloudy freckles: Love you too Pika

Once she turned off the phone, the white static filled her head again. All she wanted was to go back to sleep and drown in nothingness so she would stop shaking, and the weight on her chest would disappear.

But Denki said she had to take her medications and drink water... she didn’t want to disappoint his boyfriend further, did she? She was already a disappointment as she was.

With that thought in mind, Moe forced herself to get up and do the things she was asked to do, but soon – too soon, right when she poured the pills in her hand and realized how easily she could take an extra pill and forget – she found her thoughts swirling in her head again.

“I can’t do this. I’m useless and weak and broken and weird and” The broken string of words that she slurred out, not actually hearing them because she didn’t have her hearing aids, was choked, breathless, waking an ancient terror that never left her body and soul.

Her hands felt cold and she let the pills fall down between her fingers to start idly scratching at her arms in an attempt to get some feeling in her frozen fingers, her eyes burning with tears, she felt so upset and useless and she couldn’t breathe, oh kami she couldn’t breathe.

She didn’t remember falling on her side, but the feeling of the floor beneath her and the throbbing of her head where she banged it helped her try to focus. But everything was blurry and her head was buzzing, she was so tired, she should probably have stayed in bed for a while longer. Sleep sounded really good right now...

She closed her eyes and went to sleep.

*

"Moe, wake up please. C'mon baby, you're fine aren't you?"

Denki cursed himself for being so stupid, he should have picked up something was wrong right when Moe skipped school: she never skipped unless it was really bad.

And when he went to her house and knocked he just assumed she had her hearing aids off. How could he have been such an idiot?

He gently patted her cheek, trying to get the girl to stir and wake up. When he saw her eyelids flicker and open slowly, grey eyes hooded by pale lashes, he breathed in relief and kissed her forehead. "Good girl sweetie, you're doing amazing." He praised and gently held her hands as she woke up groggily, blinking confused at him.

"Mhmh... Denki...?" Moe slurred.

Denki nodded and gently kissed her forehead. "Let's get you in bed okay fluffypuff?" He said, more to himself than to her, since she obliviously couldn't hear him. He helped her on her feet, legs shaking as a newborn foal as she clutched his hands tightly.

Once his girlfriend was safely lying on the bed, still looking pretty confused and lost, he sat beside her and tucked a strand of curls behind her ear, taking note of the angry red of her earlobes, as if she had been scratching them.

It wasn't the first time Denki found his girlfriend in a state like this, he knew about her anxiety and how it took an heavy toll on her life and health. More than once Moe had confessed to him that she felt like she was losing her mind every time she had a panic attack, the fact that it was always when she had her hearing aids off only made her more terrified because there were no sounds, nothing that could anchor her to reality.

With that thought in mind, he reached for the small box containing Moe's hearing aids on the bedside table, placing the other hand on Moe's shoulder and giving it a gentle squeeze. "C'mon Cotton candy, sit up for me?" He asked. "Let's put your hearing aids on, 'kay?"

The girl only blinked slowly at him, sitting up with his help and letting him put on her the small objects.

With a soft click, Moe's world was not silent anymore.

Wind outside.

The neighbor's dog barking.

Kaminari's breaths and his voice.

"Can you hear me, sweetcheeks?" She nodded. "Great!" He smiled and gave her a soft kiss on the tip of her nose. “How are you feeling now?”

“Better...” Moe’s words were still slow and slightly slurred, but she was starting to look more focused on reality and Denki internally took a breath of relief for this.

“Did you do what I asked? Drank a glass of water and took your meds?”

Moe frowned, lost in thought. She didn’t remember if she did it or not... she probably didn’t. she was taking her pills and they fell because...

God, she was such a disappointment, wasn’t she?

Denki noticed her confusion and the panic that she was starting to feel, and gave her a tight squeeze on her hand. “Hey hey, it’s not a big deal, okay? You can take them tomorrow. Now you need to eat some cookies and rest!” He declared. Cookies sounded really good to Moe and she perked up at the mention. “I have the ones with chocolate chips!”

In a matter of minutes, the both of them were safely tucked under a blanket, a bag of cookies on Moe’s lap as she laid her head against Denki’s shoulder and kept an hand on his chest, gripping lightly at his shirt as her boyfriend played with her hair and made stupid jokes. His other hand was gently tracing circles on Moe’s wrist, feeling under his fingertips the light rise of the scars he knew littered her arms.

In those moments he wished he could protect her always, not letting anything hurt her, much less her own mind that turned against her for no reason. He wished that Moe could always smile and laugh and be happy, like she deserved to be, and not be haunted by anxiety and nothingness.

Denki hated not being able to help Moe like he wanted to. He loved her so much, and it hurt to know he couldn’t do anything but try to be always here for her when it all became too much. He could just be there and hold her, try to distract her from the storm of her mind and hope it was enough.

“I can hear you thinking, Arashi.” Moe mumbled suddenly, munching on a cookie.

“Sorry, Kumo.” He kissed her forehead, smiling apologetically. She hummed contentedly and closed her eyes, a soft smile on her face.

He would have done anything to see her smile like this.

“du wirst für mich, immer heilig sein Ich sterb' für unsere Unsterblichkeit Meine Hand von Anfang an über dir, ich glaub' an dich du wirst für mich, immer heilig sein”

“To me you'll be forever sacred I'm dying but I know Our love will live Your hand above Like a dove Over me Remember To me you'll be forever sacred” – Heilig, Tokio Hotel

[trans-shuichisaihara]

instead of working on my other projects, I decided to write almost 2k words of another spaceship au fic. where are my priorities

(you don’t really need to read the previous two fics, but it’ll explain where kaito is lmao)

small tw for implied(?) suicidal thoughts, it’s nothing huge though

---------------

Shuichi thought the whole plan was doomed from the start. The progression of life on the spaceship just confirmed that in his head. It wasn't the picture of chaos, sure, but it was plain to see - as Shirogane would say - that everyone was bored out of their minds. The only ones content were Shinguuji and Angie, the former in finding entertainment in their descent and the latter living in her own fantasy land with her god.

He certainly wasn't happy. He never wanted to be on the Ark, and he definitely didn't want to be woken up from cold sleep to an empty meaningless existence. But the others outvoted him, and when it came time to set the cold sleep mechanisms Iruma was sure to sabotage his pod as well along with all the others.

He wanted to die with everyone else, but not like this. Not wasting away, falling asleep every night with the hope that he wouldn't wake up in the morning.

The only motivation he had not to find a secluded part of the school to lock himself up in and just get it over with was his budding friendship with Momota and Akamatsu. The two of them had gravitated towards him quickly after awakening, the former citing his "emo aura" as something needing fixing. And by that, he meant lots of exercise and little time to himself. If he wasn't with Momota helping him dig through files on the computers and in the library, he was sitting watching Akamatsu play the piano, and even learning to play himself.

He supposed he should be grateful. He never really had friends that would go to such extremes to keep him engaged and distracted. Yes, there was always a part of his mind whispering to remind him of their inevitable fate, and that their actions were as much to distract themselves as they were to distract him, but he could pretend that things would be okay for at least a little while.

At least, until Ouma shoved himself into his quiet existence.

"Hello, Saihara-chan, Akamatsu-chan!" He grinned from their bundle of blankets on the floor, clearly inviting himself into their neverending makeshift slumber party.

"Ouma-kun," Akamatsu greeted, "Why are you here?"

He stood, wearing one of the blankets around his shoulders like a cape. "Momota-chan said I could stay! I- I was just so lonelyyyy," he sobbed, though from Shuichi's little experience with the Ultimate Supreme Leader, it was highly likely that his tears were fake. In fact, his whole statement could be a lie.

"Did he really?" He asked, unable to keep the doubt out of his voice.

Ouma glanced to him, humming, "Hmmm, welllll, I meannnnn... I didn't aaaask... But he didn't kick me out when he left for dinner, so I figured that was permission enough! Where is he, by the way? He said he'd bring me food." He pouted.

"He said he wanted to shower before joining us." Shuichi shrugged, silently accepting that Ouma probably wasn't leaving.

He was quiet while the two of them fixed up the bed area, though the self-satisfied smirk he wore made Shuichi feel antsy. He hoped Momota would come back soon.

As they sat down, Ouma spoke up again. "Soooo, like, do you guys just go straight to sleep, or do you play fun party games before? Because I've been dying to play Truth or Dare."

"Um, we normally just talk and do some exercise, I guess," Shuichi answered, looking to Akamatsu for support.

She nodded in agreement. "Yeah, Saihara-kun's right. But Truth or Dare would be fun." Really? He didn't see it being fun...

"I'm glad you agree, Akamatsu-chan! Let's start while we wait for Momota-chan!"

"H-Huh?"

He ignored both of their shock, running over to Momota's desk. He returned with an empty water bottle and a grin still fixed on his face. "So, who wants to spin first?" When neither of them responded, he shrugged and sat down. "Guess it'll be me~" He placed the bottle down, spinning it. It wobbled and clattered, but quickly settled on pointing at Shuichi. "So, Saihara-chan, truth or dare?"

"Truth." Like he would trust letting Ouma dare him.

"Hmmm..." He tapped his finger against his cheek thoughtfully. "So, who do you think is the most attractive boy here?"

"W-What?!"

"Isn't that what normal teens ask at this sort of party?" He asked with false obliviousness, "I'm not asking if you would bang them, if that makes you feel any better. Aesthetically, who's the prettiest or most handsome?"

Akamatsu didn't hesitate chiming in her own opinion. "Amami-kun's a good choice. He definitely has that player vibe to him, though don't tell him I said that." She laughed. "I know he doesn't like being told he looks like someone that sleeps around."

Ouma nodded in approval of her choice, but still looked at him expectantly. He swallowed. "Um, ah, I, I guess Amami-kun's pretty, yeah. Um, but, I don't think Momota-kun's that bad looking either..." He mumbled, hiding his mouth behind his hand. Revealing the truth was never kind to him. Maybe this game was absolutely horrible both ways.

"Ooo, nice choice," Ouma commented, "Oh, but that was a lie; he's pretty, but only as in pretty dumb." He nudged the bottle towards Shuichi. "Anyway, your turn!"

He picked it up and spun it, feeling a bit relieved when it landed on Akamatsu. He wasn't sure what he'd ask Ouma yet. Assuming he'd pick truth at all. "Ah, um, truth or dare?"

"Well, I want to pick dare, but... I'll go with truth this round." She smiled at him. His gut twisted uncomfortably at the implication that it was his fault that she had to pick truth.

He tried to ignore it as he thought of a question. "Um..." He couldn't think of anything. He was horrible at this game. Think. Treat it like a criminal interrogation. "Where were you the night before last?" SHIT. NO. NOT LIKE THAT. "Ah, ahahaha, um, you don't have to answer-"

"I was with Tenko-san. She asked if I wanted to stay over, so I said yes."

"Given names already? So forward," Ouma teased.

Akamatsu flushed. "Well, it's, I don't think it's that weird. Momota-kun calls Saihara-kun by his first name."

"Yeah, but he's an idiot. Calling people like that means nothing special to him." He picked at his fingernails idly.

Okay, Shuichi was officially uncomfortable with this conversation's direction. "Um, so, it's your turn, Akamatsu-san," he interrupted. Thankfully, she took the hint and spun the bottle. It landed back on him.

So, it would probably be safe to pick dare this round, right?

She gave him a wide smile. "I dare you to sing the first song that comes to mind." She paused. "Oh, but if it's classical, humming works too." For her, of course it would be classical above all else. Unfortunately, to him music meant either Detective Conan openings or American emo rock music.

He quivered. "Um, can, can I pass?" That was a rule of Truth or Dare, right?

Akamatsu pouted. "Aww, but I wanna hear you sing. Please, Saihara-kun?"

Ouma grinned. "I wanna hear it too!"

He sighed, relenting to his punishment. Quietly. Hopefully neither of them would go running to Shirogane and tell her that he liked one singular anime, assuming they recognized it at all.

He spun the bottle, almost unsurprised when it landed on Ouma. "So, um, truth or dare?"

"Dare, of course! Oh, but don't dare something stupid like, 'oh you have to tell the truth', that's just boring."

He needed a break. "I dare you to go downstairs and bring something back from the warehouse."

Ouma blinked. Then gasped dramatically. "Saihara-chan's so cruel! How could you dare me to do something so boring?!"

"You think a lot's boring, Ouma-kun," Akamatsu pointed out.

"Oh, I guess so." He hopped to his feet. "Well, I'll be back~ Don't have too much fun while I'm gone!" With a wink, he darted out. Shuichi sighed in relief, letting himself fall back onto the bedding.

"He's tiring, huh?" Akamatsu said sympothetically, "Don't worry, I'm sure Momota-kun'll be back by the time he returns. Oh, and you have a really nice voice; we should find some piano songs you can sing to while I play."

"Um, I don't know... Maybe..."

The door slammed open. "I'm backkk!" That was too fast. How long was he gone?

"What did you bring back?" Akamatsu asked as Shuichi pulled himself back up with a groan.

He showed his goods. "Some playing cards and another blanket. But they're mine; you didn't say I had to share what I brought back."

"Okay, well, it's your turn then."

His grin felt almost malicious as he spun it, landing right back on Shuichi. "Should I assume truth?" At his nod, he continued, "So, remember when Angie-chan threw that pool party the week before last and you refused to participate? You said it was because you couldn't swim, but I know that's a lie. So, what's the truth?"

His heart lept into his throat. "Um, pass?" He looked to Akamatsu pleadingly.

"I'm okay with a different question. Ouma-kun?"

He paused, covering his lips with a finger. "Are you sure? My next question might be worse." When he didn't object, Ouma bypassed the pretense of the previous question straight to the actual question he wanted answered. "Are you trans?"

He swallowed, shaking as he pulled his knees to his chest. "Um, huh?" Please accept his false ignorance. Please ignore all the body language betraying him at this very moment.

"I won't care if you are," Ouma added, "I was just curious."

Akamatsu stayed quiet, but reached forward to place a hand on his shoulder, gently squeezing. Finally, she softly said, "I think we should stop. I'm getting tired." She removed her hand, gathering her blankets up and dumping them in the space next to Shuichi's.

"I... I am," he quietly confessed, not meeting Ouma's eyes as he turned to lie down, retreating into his bed.

His gaze felt heavy on his back. "Sorry, Saihara-chan."