#the way I was socially ostracized but didn’t rly realize or understand why in my younger years

[thealternatemind]

after realizing I’m autistic my whole life makes sense

[shriracha]

i wasn’t bullied rly

I just realized that though I was a loner at school, I wasn’t ostracized by peers, but I did ostracized myself. Often, when I have been reading outcries of real people or fictional characters ostracized, I wondered why peers opinions matter to them so much (in case if it wasn’t a physical bullying ofc). I guess, it’s actually more normal reaction than mine? I wasn’t exactly interested in people, so it was easy to me to ignore whatever peers were talking about. I had never go out of my way to make a connection first, never tried to have more common interests, never tried to be normal (I didn’t try to be weird though. I was just weird enough for kids to beware me, but not enough to dislike). 

I guess, I was blessed to study in a relatively good school. 

We had one odder classmate who have been shoved in a cupboard once (just for fun as much as I know) and once got tied up with a belt and left struggling on snow, ah, but he really got upset everyone back then!

That time the class went to 2 days trip on winter holidays. All girls spent night in one room, all boys in the other. We were... 13 or so, mutual (their) interest growing. Boys took a trip to the girls room through a window for a couple of hours of chatting, everyone, but him. All went fine, giggling, flirting (I didn’t participate in fun, as usual), all smooth. But when boys tried to return to their room, they couldn’t open the window- the boy closed it and fell asleep hard. There were caught in the end and told off. So, boys punished him like that when we waiting for train on a train station. (he was released after a ~5 minutes). 

I personally think it was pretty mild bullying. He pissed everyone a lot, and he wasn’t likable in the first place. I didn’t like him probably even more than other classmates, since we were sharing a desk and I was a constant witness of his antics. To be fair, I just didn’t like anyone (but he was in the top).

I mean, as much as I read/saw in fiction and read/heard from people, people are getting much harsher bullying for much less, sometimes for just having a bad luck. That boy wasn’t even a loner. He was mainly disliked, but classmates still talked to him. Classmates almost didn’t talk to me, if they weren’t needing my help for a test. I’m not salty here, I truly didn’t care.

I mean, if I had more aggressive classmates I probably wouldn’t be just ignored. I disliked my peers, despised their interests, didn’t understand the meaning of their conversations (now I know that I have been missing hidden meaning - I’m not good in social games). It wasn’t open, but probably evident. I wasn’t just shy (though I was shy), but I loathed people I’ve been put around.

Now we do sometimes partial class reunions. They are good and intelligent people, my ex-classmates. I am not sure if they were always like this, but I’m definitely sure - I am not what I was.

And I would never really be able to understand what it is - to be ostracized. I was a loner by own choice. I stopped being a loner when I started to be more interested in people. I won’t understand how it is, to desperately try to fit in and to fail. 

I don’t really have... words of  consent or working advices.

Just a reminder to myself.