#feelin unable to function so often

[thealternatemind]

after realizing I’m autistic my whole life makes sense

[uzumaki-rebellion]

“Wet Sugar” [Part 14 of 30]

Summary: Erik and Yani grow closer, but he’ll have to leave soon...

NSFW. Mature Audience. Smut. You know what it is.

"Girls can't never say they want it

Girls can't never say how

Girls can't never say they need it

Girls can't ever say now

Give it to me like you need it baby

Want you to hear me screamin'

Heavy breathin'

I don't need a reason baby

I want it 'til you can't fight

I can give it to you right babe oh

I wanna be your healing

I can be real good

Please don't get in your feelin's…"

Summer Walker—"Girls Need Love"

She was his Adhan.

If Tahir were to hear him call Yani that, Erik would have to beg forgiveness from his mercenary chum. He did not mean any disrespect to the Muslim faith by it. It was the truth.

Before the sun rose on most mornings, Erik laid back on the bed he shared with Yani and watched her raise up and down on him, her body facing away from him. He would watch the muscles in her back flex and tense and see a warm sheen of perspiration slicken her skin. He would admire the indentations in her ass cheeks, the little pockets of cellulite dimpling the back of her heavy thighs and her shorter legs. He would reach out sometimes to hold onto her cute feet that he would tease her about. They were cute, chunky, wide, and he would make fun of all the weight they had to hold up from her thighs and ass. She hated when he did that, but he found them sexy and told her so. She was perfectly loving and round and soft and made him happy to wake up every day. What more could a man ask for? Especially when he was crazy about her. More than crazy. In love. Deeply. With her and her child.

They both tried to keep the intense pleasure of their lovemaking from escaping their lips and waking the baby in the next room, but Erik found himself unable to keep quiet for long as the soft rays of sunlight rose to illuminate his woman, her soft skin glowing a luminous coppery brown, and her wide round backside rolling on his hips that thrust gently into her. The moist sound of her wetness on his morning erection forced loud gasps to erupt from his lips.

By the time their bedroom was fully brightened and warming up from the sunshine, Erik would be twisting up the sheets with the grip of his fingers trying to anchor himself while shouting out Yani's name as his manhood swelled inside of her. The force of his semen leaving his body would render him speechless, especially when Yani glanced back at him and he caught the side view of her breasts bouncing. The expression on his face at that moment always propelled her to her own release, and her already tight walls would clench around his thickness even tighter forcing him to shout out a final curse word or two once he caught his breath again.

He had to have her every morning like that, had to see the sunrise with her on top of him moving those big hips and big ass…had to see those luminous eyes of hers on his face when he released hot and heavy into her womb.

Every morning she had him crying up to heaven, and every morning she would respond in kind toward him. Afterward, she would clean herself up and check on Sydette while he stayed on the bed wondering how his life had functioned the last two years without her in his world. He couldn't fathom an existence without her or Sydette now, and those thoughts made him anxious.

He could sleep soundly with her next to him without the help of medication. The focus on his work with Klaue's arm was acute and productive because she was always near him. His overactive brain learned to wind down easily when she was around. His life had a new clarity, a new purpose…a new needed daily routine.

After morning loving Yani would bring Sydette into their room to greet him, and he would shower the baby with kisses and hold her up in the air where the little girl would giggle and wave her arms and legs around like she was flying. Those moments were his favorite of the day, his body thrumming with the warm feelings he received from Yani and the joy on Sydette's face when her eyes saw him in the morning. He had formed a tight bond with the baby, and Yani said nothing when Sydette started calling Erik Baba the way he taught her. He didn't feel it was appropriate to have Sydette calling him Daddy. That was Chez's right as the birth father, but the reality was that Erik was caring and providing for the child more than her biological Dad, and he did feel like a father to her. They were a family now. A solid unit and Sydette thrived while living on the compound.

Her vocabulary picked up immensely because both Yani and Erik spent so much time talking around Sydette. They were both surprised when new words would pop out of her mouth because they would stare at each other and swear up and down they didn't teach her those things. All the deep conversations Erik had with Yani every day and every night rubbed off on Sydette.

Yani took Sydette to the cove before breakfast when it was Erik's turn to cook the first meal of the day. There was nothing like watching Yani stroll down the path topless with Sydette in her arms. He would blow kisses to Sydette and when they returned for breakfast, there was the tugging of his heart when Sweet Pea would reach out for him saying, "Baba! Baba!" He fed her in the high chair as Yani planned out their day.

After breakfast he would shuffle off to do work and Yani would spend time reading nursing books and studying up on subjects she would take up soon in school while looking after Sydette who played with her toys on the floor. Yani complained that Erik bought the baby too many toys, but he argued that a lot of the stuff he purchased was educational.

When he needed a break from his work, he would saunter down to the cove for a swim. On his return, Yani typically had Sydette down for a nap and he would lay himself on Yani's lap on the couch or back in the bedroom where he would suck on her tits for a long session while she edged him until he was spurting in her hand. She would fix them lunch afterward and then they would settle down for a nap together until the baby woke them up.

More work, then a quickie session with his mouth between her legs before dinner which was Erik's favorite meal to prepare for them. Depending on what he was cooking, the three of them would go to the cove together and swim, helping Sydette to become a mermaid like her mother. Erik would stand in the water up to his hips as Yani stood twenty feet away with Sydette in between them. He would laugh so hard with joy when Sydette would kick her little legs and wind her arms in the water making her way to him. Half dog paddle, half baby sea turtle scramble, he watched her swim to his open hands as he lifted her up and wiped her eyes. Kissing her cheek, he'd flip her around and watch her head back to Yani the same way.

Nervous jitters would sometimes grip him when a sudden wave rolled through and lifted the baby away from them. Yani didn't panic, but he would, worried that too much water would go down her nose or throat, and he often found himself scrambling after her.

There was a little tv watching in the evening, a final goodnight for Sydette, and then nighttime loving would begin. Erik always made sure to put Yani's ass to sleep. But then the midnight hour would creep around, and he was nudging her awake to put it on her again. Pure bliss…

Until she started going out on too many brunches and day trips with her friends.

At first, it was nice knowing she had the time now to spend with her pals. He had heard the horror stories of what Chez put her through, cutting her off from relatives and friends. He was happy to see her happy until she did it more often to the point of switching up their daily routine. He was accustomed to having her whenever he wanted and now found himself calling her when he wanted pussy. Calling her and having to wait for it for hours.

Nah.

Sex with her was just as important to him as their family time together, and he would have these intense urges for her. She was a habit he couldn't break and most times she was a good girl and would bring that good puss home to Daddy when he demanded it.

Lately…she was being a brat.

On her excursions away from him, he would kiss the baby goodbye as Yani strapped Sydette in the car seat to drop her off with Twyla or her parent's. Before she sat in the driver's seat of her car, Erik would kiss Yani deeply and play with her pussy, getting it wet and puffy.

"Don't be gone long," he would tell her.

Yani would nod and let him feel on her titties. He'd make sure she saw the slight bulge in his pants before he'd turn her around and spank her ass a few times. Sometimes if he was feeling a type of way, he'd take her behind the car and fuck her standing up, nut inside her deep, but refuse to let her cum. She had to return home in a timely manner if she wanted him to finish the job he started. He'd then insert one of the toys he bought for her and send her on her way.

The toys weren't making her get to him fast anymore.

In fact, he suspected that she liked disobeying him. It frustrated the fuck out of him and made him much more aggressive when she finally did drag her ass home. He would be aggravated with her but horny as fuck. Horny to the point of being brutal with her pussy. He'd be in her guts an outrageously long time and so worked up chasing that nut so strong that it would take him hours later to realize that she was playing him. Making him think he was in control when he was the one wrapped around her finger. Pussy whipped. Correction. Pussy stomped.

He would just get riled up and have to fuck her hard and fast with his hand on her throat to keep her in check. Even then, she'd have a sly smile on her lips as if to say, "Nigga, you ain't shit."

She stared at him like that after he pressed her face into the mirror as he took her on the floor. The cushiony pallet they built for that purpose was rumpled, his knees starting to hurt from the hard position he locked himself into. His punishment for taking so long to return to him ticked her off, but she licked his cum from the mirror. Plunging back into her, she came on him when he begged her to and his confession of love came tumbling out of his mouth. The sweet questioning look on her face as she stared at him in the wall mirror let him know it was safe to confess his feelings for her.

Yani's eyes welled up and he felt a loosening and a tightening in his heart. That he felt open enough to tell her he loved her was freeing…but telling her he loved her was also a stone block he placed around his own neck. It was foolish. He had to leave her at the end of the summer, would have to go wherever Klaue sent him. Why tell her this when it wouldn't matter after two more months? It was like planting I.E.D's inside his body and hers for no damn reason. It was self-destructive. Unfair really.

But oh how she kissed him afterward.

He wanted her to say it back to him but he was glad that she didn't. It might have paralyzed him at that moment. Her lips and tongue on his let him know how she felt. The tears on her face that traced a wet trail down her skin and his showed him all he needed to see. She was there in the thick of it like him.

After cleaning themselves up he made the decision not to push her about getting to him when she was out with her friends. She was twenty-one. He remembered what that was like. Wanting to party and hang out. He told her she was free to do what she wanted. Rushing her home for his needs was not the way he wanted her summer to be. There was deep pleasure in dominating her sexually. But the deeper pleasure was seeing her happy. Relaxed. Care-free. Being a loving mother to Sydette around the compound. Watching her put on make-up and pretty clothes to be out on the town with her buddies.

He kept her body on top of his on the couch as they watched television until it was time to pick up Sydette from her parents. They were going to dinner together with the baby, and Erik was going to drive her to her parents. She was nervous about it, evidenced by the deep sigh she gave when her cell alarm went off.

Her people knew what was up with them. No point in lying about it and making unnecessary tension whenever she dropped the baby off.

The ride over to her parents was tense.

"Yani…baby, relax. We agreed to keep it simple. I pull up in the car, you get the baby, and then we leave. Let them get used to seeing me drive you over…"

Her eyes were wide with fear.

"Have they made a big deal about me still?"

"No…they just don't say anything. But I can feel it when I come back to get Sweet Pea. It's like they don't want to give her back to me. Sometimes I wish they would say something. It would be better than that weird energy they give me."

"I should just come to meet them—"

"No! It would be too much for them."

"I know how to act around people who don't like me."

"They don't know you. That's the problem. They would like you a lot I think…"

"I'll do what you want. You know that. But I think we should just—"

"Damn…"

Yani leaned forward in her seat.

Erik pulled in front of a nice-looking home where Yani's parents stood outside talking to a neighbor with Yani's father holding Sydette in his arms.

"I just wanted to run in and out, but—"

Erik turned off the S.U.V.

Yani's parents and the neighbor stared at the car. She stepped out and Erik rolled down his window watching her approach them. Sydette wiggled and cried out "Mama!"

"Hey, Sweet Pea. Hello Mrs. Anson," she said.

Mrs. Anson and Yani's mother were busy staring at Erik through the windshield.

"Your friend is not getting out?" Yani's mother said.

"We have a dinner reservation—"

"Introduce us," her father said, his eyes taking in Erik's face.

Yani turned to look at Erik, a helpless expression on her face. Erik rolled up the window and stepped out. He walked up to her father first.

"Erik, this mi father Halston Galiber, and mi mother, Paula Galiber…"

Erik shook Halston's hand firmly. The man's eyes took in Erik's slugs and the scars on his arms. Yani's mother did the same.

"Baba!" Sydette shouted. She reached for Erik and he took her from Yani's arms and held her on his hip. Sydette's hand went to his mouth and he pretended to snack on her fingers and she squealed like she normally did, their normal little game for when they greeted one another.

"Go home," Sydette said, her legs bouncing on his hip.

"Nice to meet you, Erik," Yani's mother said, "this is our neighbor Mrs. Anson."

Erik nodded to the woman who stared at Erik as she gave him a warm smile.

"Hello, Mrs. Anson."

"Nice meeting you. I'm heading home, Paula," she said walking away from them.

"We're going to be late for our reservation," Yani said once more moving next to Erik.

"Bring Erik to the BBQ next week. Give us more time to know him," Paula said scrutinizing Erik harder than Halston was.

"We'll think about it—"

"Would love to come," Erik said.

Yani glared at him.

"Good. We'll expect you there," Halston said.

Yani took a deep breath and moved back toward the car.

"Thanks for taking care of Sweet Pea," Yani called to them.

"Have a nice dinner," Halston said.

Erik placed Sydette in the car seat as Yani climbed into the front passenger seat. The baby safe and secure, Erik walked around the car, waved at Yani's parents and climbed into the driver's side.

"God, why are they standing there just staring," Yani said through gritted teeth.

"I'm the big ogre from the hill stealing the Princess and the Pea," Erik joked.

He drove past her parents and Yani finally relaxed in the car.

"That wasn't so bad," he said.

"I know. And it worries me."

"Why?'

"They don't like me being with you."

"But now they've seen me. Invited me to the family cookout. I'm in baby!"

"It's suspect—"

"Suspect?"

"A setup."

"Nah. They met me. They can see I'm a regular dude—"

"You not regular, man."

"On the surface…"

She glanced over at him, a smirk on her face.

She was too damn cute. He reached over and squeezed her hand, lifted it to his mouth and kissed it.

Dinner was simple and filling, a local spot for fresh conch and beef patties, and afterward a calming stroll along a public beach. Erik dipped into a public restroom, and as he washed his hands, he heard Yani screaming outside. Running out and ready to beat ass for whatever danger harassed his girls, he slowed down when he saw Yani holding her phone to Sydette who was crawling on the sand.

"What's wrong?!"

"She was walking! My baby was walking!"

A relieved sigh came out of his mouth as he watched Sydette lean forward on her hands, push up from the sand and toddle over to Yani three full steps before tumbling again. Erik clapped his hands.

"Aye Sweet Pea! Big girl!"

Sydette looked up at him as she sat on her rump and clapped her hands eagerly too before trying again. Erik took out his phone and recorded her taking five steps over to Yani. Sweeping the baby up into her arms, Yani smothered Sydette with kisses.

"Got you both recorded!"

Yani put her daughter back down and held her hand, allowing Sydette to go at her own pace. Erik walked behind them still recording as Yani let go of Sydette's hand. She took wobbly steps but kept her balance, making sudden stops to clap her hands again and to also look back to make sure Erik was still following.

"Keep going, Sweet Pea!" he encouraged.

The baby turned around and took a fast toddle back to him grabbing his left leg. She giggled and looked up at him.

"Look at Baba' big girl!" he said.

"Big!" she called up.

He put his phone away, and when he looked over at Yani, she had her eyes on Sydette.

"I thought I was going to miss this moment," she said softly.

They both watched Sydette experiment a little more with steps before she was reaching up to Erik. He lifted her up and kissed her forehead.

"I would've missed this. Right now, I would normally be at the restaurant, and she would be with Twyla, or Monice, or my Auntie…I wouldn't have seen this…"

She took a long exhale and wiped her eyes before linking her arm in his free one.

So many new milestones he was witnessing with Yani.

His own parents were together when they told him about his first steps. His father teased him about trying to have alone time with his mom and how Erik had woken up from their living room floor and waddled over to them trying to get to his mother. As a kid, he didn't get the big deal about his first steps, everyone took them.

But seeing Sydette do it, and witnessing the awe and gratefulness in Yani's face, he now understood what it meant to a parent. Even in the short amount of time he had known Sydette, he had watched her change and grow so much. He was there and Chez was not. He felt a slight bit of guilt like he had stolen something from Sydette's father. Did Chez even care? Yani's belly had been swollen with the little girl when he cheated on her making another child. If he had no concern then, would he really care if he saw her walking for the first time? Yani deserved that all for herself. Fuck him.

Heading back to the car, Yani sent the video she took to all her family. Her phone blew up quickly. Once they were back at the car she was gabbing to Twyla and Cee Cee on speakerphone. Erik sent his video to Yani's phone so she could send the shots he took of Sydette walking to her.

"Big nigga, you in trouble now," Twyla teased him, "baby girl will be runnin' up on you two. Can't be fuckin' freely no more!"

Yani's face crumbled with embarrassment.

"Goodbye!" Yani said and hung up on her cousins.

"They're right you know. She can already climb down from her bed."

Yani glanced back at Sydette.

"You knock before you enter our bedroom? Hear?"

The comfort of home eased them both into quiet contemplation. Yani cleaned and changed Sydette as Erik scanned the tv for news and sports updates. There were no warning messages from the security system that guarded the compound, and he shot off his weekly check-in email with Klaue. The man was bugging him about his arm. Erik told him he'd have something workable in two weeks. He'd have it done sooner, but he wasn't ready to make a short trip away from Yani and Sydette so soon.

"She is out already. Mommy and Daddy must've had her busy over there to make her so wiped."

She crawled onto the couch and curled up in his lap. A yawn escaped her lips.

"You are beat too."

"Because of you," she said.

He kissed her cheek.

"My baby is walking," she whispered.

"Swimming. Walking. Running is next."

"Thank you," she said.

"For what?"

"All of this."

He kissed her and rubbed her hip.

Her eyes wouldn't leave his.

"Go on to bed. I'ma stay up and watch a little tv," he said.

She nodded and kissed him on his cheek.

The sway of her hips was enticing, and for a second he thought he would follow her. But she needed a break. Physically from him.

He stayed up a few hours until it was past midnight. Slipping into their bedroom, he stripped out of his clothes and climbed under the covers next to her. It was cooler that night and nice to feel covers surrounding them as opposed to their usual slumber on top of the covers. He spooned around Yani, but she turned around and snuggled into his chest, her warm body molding around his.

"Killmonger," she whispered.

"Yes?"

"I love you too."

He squeezed her and felt his throat get tight.

"I was scared to tell you that," she said.

"I was scared too."

"It feels different."

Her hand stroked his arm. He pulled back to look at her. Even in the darkness and the pale light of the stars, he could make out her face.

"How does it feel to you?" he asked.

Her fingers touched his lips.

"It feels real this time."

He nuzzled his face against her cheek.

"I've only been in love one time before this. I didn't think I could feel that way again. Not this fast. Not with two people," he said.

"What scares you?"

"The hurt I know I will cause you and that baby—"

"Killmonger—"

"I didn't want to tell you I loved you, Yani. I wanted to keep that to myself. Make it easier on you and her…the closer we get…I don't want to disrupt Sweet Pea's life… or yours—" "We knew what we were getting into—"

"But the baby, Yani. She… she's…"

Erik closed his eyes.

"She's attached to you now. I know."

Yani tucked herself into his chest once more. She calmed the shuddering there.

"Don't think about nothin' bad, okay? Let us just love you back," she said.

###

One whole week.

He didn't touch or initiate anything solely intimate for one whole week.

He worked an insane amount of time in the workshop, and instead of taking his afternoon breaks to the cove and coming back to suckle her breasts, he went to the gun range and shot weapons.

Yani worried that all the love talk stressed him out the night she shared her feelings back to him, but he was still affectionate with her. It was just all the sexual play that lapsed between them.

She tried wearing sexier outfits around the house instead of just being straight up nude. Titillation was often more exciting to men than full nudity. But that didn't entice him, his focus was on completing the task Klaue had for him. Even when she went out with her friends, he didn't even bother to play with her body or insert toys into her vagina or ass. No more urgent phone calls to come home.

Morning loving was just intense kissing. No more quickies. No more coming after her when the urge struck him throughout the day. Bedtime was just a bit of smooching, a little bit of rubbing all over her booty and then he was out…snoring.

Nude text messages didn't even stir him when she would send him personal selfies of her breasts or her hands between her legs to his cell. It was like he was over her. She couldn't figure out what was going on with him. Even when she asked, he just said work was on a tight deadline. She even took over cooking their evening meals when he worked through the night, stopping to grab a bite for a few minutes before returning to the workshop and working until two or three in the morning.

Sometimes she caught him staring out at the ocean on the porch of Klaue's main home only snapping out of his reverie when Sydette walked to him and tugged on his pant leg.

"C'mere Sweet Pea,' he would say and take the baby on a walk around the property, guiding her baby steps and helping her up if she stumbled. A lot of time was spent on Klaue's private beach where he would play Brazilian music on a small set of speakers and jump around wearing white loose pants and fight an imaginary opponent with his hands and swipes of his legs. He was acrobatic and so fast. She would come looking for him with Sydette and find him down there, He'd pretend to fight her or move in front of Sweet Pea doing cartwheels and backflips. Sydette would try to copy him and roll around in the sand and kick out her chubby legs toward him.

"Jinga, Babygirl!" he would call to her and Sydette rolled in the sand to please him.

She missed him physically.

She asked her cousin Monice to watch Sydette for a few hours. She needed some alone time with Erik, and she needed to do it in a way where she didn't have to worry about looking after Sydette too.

###

Klaue wanted two things:

An arm that wouldn't explode on him because of the vibranium.

An arm that looked realistic.

One out of two wasn't bad because the materials used to make a white person's pale flesh-tone arm would not work. It melted and couldn't contain the energy and power of the Wakandan metal. He experimented with many polymers on metal exoskeletons until he found one that would do the trick. The man would be stuck with a pale egg-shell white outer arm with internal protective alloys that Erik created and mixed that could contain the power of the vibranium power surges that threatened to blow up his old arm. He played with thermoplastics, metal oxides and the like until he found the proper balance of surge suppression.

He spent a short lunch staring at Yani's human anatomy figurine, taking it apart to look at the structure of the human arm with plastic pieces as opposed to online 3D diagrams. He asked Yani a few questions about tendons and ligaments, so tempted to take her into the workshop but deciding to keep her in the dark. He eventually mastered the inner workings of the arm design. The goal now was to get it to seal up properly once the weaponized firepower was used.

He was so wrapped up in getting Klaue's arm perfected that he ignored the blatant attempts by her to get his attention. He was so close to getting the prosthetic finished that he used that energy he once showered on Yani to push through with his work. He clearly saw Yani trying to catch his eye, and she did, but he pushed through regardless. Nude photos sent to his phone didn't even move him. When he was hyper-focused like this, nothing could sway him.

Sitting in the workroom, he took his time assembling components to secure the arm. His cell gave off a chime and he glanced at it. Yani had a close up of her bikini top. The orange one he liked.

I want some dick.

Erik stared at her text.

"My girl is hurtin'," he said out loud a wide grin on his face.

He ignored her words. The cell chimed again.

I'm so wet.

Baby, I'm working. Gotta finish this shit. I'll take care of you soon enough. Promise.

But I want you now. The baby not here. Just you and me. Come get this pussy, man.

Calm yourself.

Calm this pussy.

He laughed.

"Thirsty," he said pulling his goggles back down and picking up Klaue's arm. Time for more tests outside on the gun range.

Yani knew better than to come around there while he was testing. Strict guidelines were set for her and Sydette while he was working on Klaue's prosthetic.

The random targets Erik prepared for his tests were hung about at various distances. Bags of cement twenty, fifty, and one hundred feet away. Groupings of twisted metal close and far away. Slabs of beef to simulate human flesh propped up too.

Erik placed Klaue's arm on a metal post and turned on his remote-control unit. Glancing around at his set up, he opted to go back into the workshop and grab a protective apron to wear on his chest. Better safe than sorry.

He texted Yani.

About to do some testing. You hear some explosions, don't freak out.

No response.

Erik draped the apron around himself.

"Killmonger…"

Yani's voice. Clear and loud and sexy as all get out surrounded him.

She was using the intercom system.

"Whatchu want, girl?"

"I need it…"

He pulled the goggles from his eyes.

Shit.

The treble in her voice made his stomach react.

"Yani, I told you—"

"Listen to it…"

A drawn-out moan surrounded him and his dick jumped. He could hear the unmistakable and unrestrained gushy sounds coming from her pussy.

He yanked the protective apron away from his body.

"So juicy for you…"

She was slapping that fat puss now and he lost his breath for a second. Squeezing his eyes closed, his fists balled up tight.

"Where are you?"

He swallowed thickly and grabbed at his dick, adjusting the swelling he felt there.

"Come find me, Daddy…"

This girl. Fuck.

She couldn't be around the workshop or gun range. That was a given. She knew better and wouldn't play around there. He decided to check her house first.

"I need you to make a mess in this pussy…"

The outdoor speakers were crisp and clear. Her voice had his skin prickled with goosebumps. Like a ship searching for a lighthouse, Erik stormed into the middle house and checked all the rooms. She wasn't there.

"Ooh, baby…"

"Yani…fuck…where are you?"

He jogged up to the first house and looked in rooms, under beds, deep inside closets, around the foliage outside. He ran down to Klaue's house.

"So close, Daddy…"

He was so crazed at that point that he even checked the secret space under Klaue's globe that housed his liquor.

The cove.

Erik moved like a cheetah chasing a gazelle expecting to see her. Her voice could be a recording. When his eyes gazed across the horizon of water hoping to see her wet and naked and waiting for him in the balmy sea, he let out a loud yell of frustration when she wasn't there.

He stalked back over to Klaue's main house and checked the other private beach.

Where the fuck was she?

Feeling aggy, he checked the garage and other non-domicile buildings for her.

"Killmonger…please…."

Maybe she was near the forbidden zone.

He swept around the gun range and checked the rest of the grounds. Was she fucking with him?

He stomped back to Klaue's main house.

"Yani…I don't wanna play no more!"

Their bedroom was spotless, the bed made, the windows open, the pallet on the floor pristine. Her fingers were working her depths and he could hear every slick and wet sound. Dick jutting out, there were wet stains on his loungers already.

He stepped into the master restroom and washed his hands and rinsed his face. Returning to the bedroom he tried to think of how she could be so hidden.

"Give me a hint or somethin' girl…damn."

"Keep playin' with that dick…"

She was watching him. His eyes went to the hidden cameras in the room. He had disabled every camera that Klaue could try and spy with. He was aware of every power surge or strange attempts to hack into the mainframe of security.

Unless…

There was another room he was unaware of. One that Yani knew about and Klaue didn't reveal to him. A panic room of some sort…

Erik took off his shirt and slipped out of his Nike track shoes.

She had to be in Klaue's house.

He ran his hands down his chest and he heard her voice give off a sigh.

"You like that?" he asked.

"Yessss…"

Fuck. Her voice curling around the end of the S's.

"Stroke that dick…"

He reached into his loungers and gripped himself.

"Lemme give you all this," he said.

"Mmhmmm…mi want it all…"

His balls jumped. She probably had them big legs wide open, fingers dripping with all her slick. Clit engorged and ready for his lips.

He fisted himself.

"You nuh wahn this?" she groaned.

"Oh shit…"

He was so swollen. Her vocal inflections would make him cum if she kept talking to him through the speakers. His eyes felt watery and blurry.

"Look for the heartbeat," she said.

Heartbeat.

His eyes blinked and he shuffled out of the bedroom, heavy girth bobbing as he walked. Once he found her it was going to be over. Ain't no way she was having him on a pussy scavenger hunt without him tearing that ass up at the end.

His fingers stroked the head of his dick through his thin pants. The entire shaft throbbed from root to tip because of his touch.

"Baby…" he gasped.

Eyes darted about the living room. They once had a conversation about the artwork and artifacts decorating the space. He played with several djembe drums and let her strike the skins to hear the different tonal sounds, teaching her a basic drum pattern to play. The tighter the skin, the louder the sound.

"The drum is the heartbeat of the people," he told her.

Taking in the drums now, he scanned each and every one within sight.

"Warmer," she whispered.

He stepped in front of a small drum set made with goatskin.

"So cold, baby…"

He swung around.

There had to be another secret opening.

Heartbeat.

Scanning a shelf display of ancient drums, Erik walked in front of a centerpiece.

"Warmer…hmmmm…"

His ears tingled from her sound and his left hand tugged on his nuts. The center drum was from the nineteenth century. The ones shelved next to it were twenty-first century. But the one on the bottom left shelf display was the oldest. Fourteenth-century from what Klaue told him. Erik's hands reached for it and rubbed the edge of the skin.

"So close, Daddy…"

He ran his fingers along the ropes on the side of the drum and stroked the wood wedges. On the drum stand, Erik noticed a discoloration of dark brown wood mixed with a lighter hue. He flicked his thumb across an unusual marking on the side and a small section of the wall shelving opened up.

Erik smiled and slipped through the opening and found himself standing above narrow stone stairs. He walked down and found what he suspected, a panic room filled with wall view screens that were turned off. There was a small generator, an air filter system, and a supply of canned foods, water, and a fridge. He stepped into another narrow room and found Yani naked on a twin bed, her legs wide open, her fingers sinking in and out of her glistening slit. The wings of her labia sat welcoming.

He shook off his pants and dropped to his knees.

Yani's eyes were pools of lust. Erik pulled her thighs closer to him. Wrenching his eyes away from hers, they dropped down to stare at her opening. He fought to calm himself, his breathing uneven from the excitement of finding her. He stroked the skin of her belly and let his fingers drop to the meeting of her thighs and legs.

"Killmonger—"

"Shh…"

He reached up and stuck his fingers between her lips and she licked them before sucking them gently, her eyes still on him.

"You want this dick?" he asked, letting the weight of it drag against her folds.

She nodded her head, gasping when his slick glans grazed her clit.

"Made me do all that work looking for you…damn…girl—"

The squelching from her fingers inside her pussy made his face grow tight. His lips poked out and he groaned hard when he saw how frothy her digits were when she pulled them out. She presented her slick fingers to him and he licked them clean, the sweet taste of her making him weak.

She circled her nipples and pushed her breasts up close to her face. Her tongue snaked out and circled each plump tip licking them slow.

Thoughts of eating her out first went out the window. He gave her no warning and plunged into her opening rough and raw.

Yani gasped and released her breasts, her elbows trying to balance her weight as he fucked her with little tender mercies.

"Pussy wet as fuck!" he yelled.

The bed she was on was firm and handled the weight he was throwing on her.

"Yes…yes…yes!" she wailed at him.

"…impatient…couldn't let me finish my work…"

"…fuck me…"

Her eyes held him hostage.

Despite the beauty of her breasts bouncing, her big dark nipples enticing his lips to suckle them, despite the bounty of her thighs and thick ass rocking against his balls, Yani's eyes trapped him with all the love he saw there. He tried to blink away the sudden rush of tears he felt growing on his lids, but they fell on her and she lifted up to hold his face. Wiping away the wetness he felt falling, she stopped his hands.

"Don't," she whispered, "if this is what you are feeling, let it come out, yeah?"

His face dropped down to hers.

"I don't even know how to act around you anymore," he mumbled into her ear.

"Just love me," she sighed into his ear as he thrust into her once more.

He moved her further back onto the bed and held up her left leg.

"…gripping me…"

"Been wanting you for so long."

"I know."

"Daddy, right there….right there…"

"Being a good girl…shit…"

"Erik."

His eyes went back to her the moment he heard his name.

Her lips were slightly parted and her pants for breath matched his slow deep thrusts inside of her.

"Erik!"

Her eyes shut tight and he saw tears press out from her lids.

"I'm right here."

He felt her insides clamp down around him and he held her tighter against him. Heavy exhalations filled his ears as she clutched onto his back, her nails pressing into his muscles. She cried out again and he felt her body spasm against him hard.

"God…I'm cumming in your pussy baby!"

The surge from his balls erupted. He felt the hard spurts fill her up, his eyes rolling back. Her thighs pulled his ass back down.

"You runnin' from me?" she teased.

"Fuck!" he shouted.

They both started laughing.

"I wasn't running."

"Yes, you were," she said.

His body hunched up when he felt the last of his ejaculate release into her.

"Goddamn…that was...damn."

She laughed at him more and he grinned.

Lifting up from her he caught her eyes again.

"You mine…" he whispered.

She stroked his cheek and neck.

"I'm yours," she said.

Leaning back, Erik pulled out from inside of her.

"Girl, we done fucked up this man's emergency bed."

He slapped her thighs and felt a rush when a bit of his semen drizzled from her opening.

"Your shit is all sloppy now," he said thumbing her labia and coating her folds with more of his warm cum.

He leaned his face back down to hers and kissed her.

"You made a big mess," she said watching more of his semen spill out from her.

"That's what you wanted. I delivered."

"Yeah, you did."

"What's that look for Lil Mama?"

Yani sat up and eased her shoulder against his.

"You make me happy."

"Yeah?'

"Yeah—"

A loud hissing sound disturbed their reverie. An automated voice came through the intercom system.

"Incoming message from Klaue, Ulysses"

Erik slipped on his pants quickly.

"I'm going to take his call in the living room. Go out the back door and stay up at the middle house until I come for you, okay?" he said.

Yani nodded and threw a pale yellow dress over her head and grabbed her sandals.

He kissed her cheek and slapped her ass.

"I'm not done with you, Ma," he said following her out of the panic room.

He watched her scramble out of the main house through the back exit before he touched the main viewscreen in the long side wall of the living room.

"Klaue, talk to me," Erik said, stretching his neck and feeling sated after having his woman.

"Tell me about my arm," Klaue said.

Erik could see the man sitting at a desk in South Africa somewhere.

"It's almost ready—"

"I need it next week."

Erik wasn't ready to leave St. Thomas. Even if it was for a short period of time. Love was making him feel rooted.

"Okay," he said.

Klaue smiled.

"That's my boy!"

###

Chapter 15 Here.

Tag List:

@fd-writes​ @soufcakmistress  @cherrystainedlipsbaby @tclaybon  @thadelightfulone

@allhailqueennel @bartierbakarimobisson @cpwtwot @shookmcgookqueen @yoyolovesbucky

@raysunshine78 @the-illllest @terrablaze514  @l-auteuse @amirra88 @jimizwidow @janelledarling

@chaneajoyyy @sweetestdream92 @purple-apricots @blackpinup22 @hennessystevens-udaku

@scrumptiouslytenaciouscrusade @bugngiz @stariamrry  @honeytoffee @meilintheempressofdreams

@tyees @eye-raq @writerbee-ffs

[insidethecrack]

Make Schizophrenia Great Again

I realised a few weeks ago that I was living with schizophrenia for 10 years now. HAPPY BIRTHDAY I guess. I was asked when was the birthday day, but I don’t think there is such a thing. This whole thing started when I was 16, then it got worse and worse until The Worst happened around my twenty, since then, we’re slowly recovering. So basically I guesss it’s more 11 years now… (in French we say “time goes by so fast when you’re having fun) Anyway, I think it was time to celebrate. There is a lot of negativity on this blog, not because my life is always dark, but because the dark parts are the one in need of explanation. So today, we’re going to talk in a more lightful way. We’re going to talk about what I’ve learned so far, what has been improved. Sometimes, it’s good too to look at the bright side !

[1] We were right on how to deal with this It might sound silly or childish - and perhaps it is, I don’t really care for what it worths, it’s not the point - but it is very important. My scchizophrenia has filled my mind with thoughts that weren’t mine, with words that weren’t mine. I wake up and don’t know whose body it is. Etc. We already covered this isssue I think. It is already a terrible thing to experience, but the shrinks made it worse. Yes,the people who were supposed to help made it worse. They didn’t listen when I said the meds were killing me. They said contradictory things. Some even threw things like "this is not what you feel” at my face. This is one of the most violent thing I ever lived (and I am schizophrenic so…). I cut my treatment against all medical advices. I don’t say this is the thing to do (or maybe I do, but maybe don’t do it the way I did), but no one would listen to me. Seriously, here is a conversation I had with the psychiatrist :

me : meds are killling me… I’m afraid I’m getting addicted to them. My body is not functionning well. The voices are louder. I want to stop, I need to stop. him : we should raise the dosage

This is verbatim. We could write a whole article about violences like this one, and we probably will. So it felt like our only option was to jump the cliff. We stopped everything : meds and shrinks. Because they were only proving that my mind was a wreck you couldn’t trust, I couldn’t trust. “not all shrinks” but at that time, I wasn’t lucky. I am still struggling with the idea that my mind worths something. But I was right and they were wrong. There are other answers, better answers, answers that fitted my needs way better.

[2] We learned to listen This is probably the most important thing to learn, whether you’re neurotypical or not. Sometimes I wonder if it’s not harder to do when you’re neurotypical. I mean, I litteraly have voices screaming when something is wrong. And monsters appears when something scary is happening. So… I wonder how you do that without any material manifestation of your thoughts (or maybe neurotypical are all geniuses living in a world of abstract ideas ?)(don’t worry, so many neurotypicals cried on my shoulder, I know this is all as confused for you as it is for me, it’s jut not the same kind of confused). There will be a whole article on this, about what I call the “schizophrenic linguistics”. I call it this way because it’s my discovery of the linguistic sciences which really helped me. It’s a bit complicated and I’ll explain further later, but for now on, just consider this : monsters and voices are not happening randomly. They mean something. They happen to say something. Something I can’t deal with, or I can’t handle at the moment. So these thoughts I can’t process (too violent, too dangerous, or just out of words and language) take the shape of voices / monsters. And you know how they say that a soap bubble is round because it’s the most suited shape for its purpose ? Well, it’s the same for schizophrenia. Voices and monsters don’t have random shape. There is a reason why a voice gets mean and insulting, or why carnivorous plants are suddenly growing in my bed. As scary as they are, we learned to listen to them, to decode them, to translate them. And the difference is huge. 10 years ago, life was a permanent nightmare only interrupted by the moments I passed out. Now, the number of delirious crisis a year can be counted on my hands. I hear or see things on a daily basis, but most of them are now unharmful. Because we listen, we pay attention. So they don’t need to yell or throw things at me to get my attention. It’s still not perfect, and shit happens every once in a while. As I say, schizophrenia is no exact science. But we’re getting better.

[3] There are many ways to understand the world Chemistry was not the solution for us. Linguistic was. And believe me, I don’t think it’s something anyone could have planned. I don’t even pretend it’s the solution for other schizophrenic people. This confirmed something I knew for a very long time : words rule my world. Language was my only solution against the madness. What can be named can be understood can be explained can be mastered. So I clung to them even tighter than before and I dived even deeper into linguistic, making it a central piece of my PhD work (in theatre!). I rely on words, language and linguistic to understand the world, a world full of monsters and mean voices that I decided to consider real.  And this, this taught me to accept any vision of the world. Not to say that I agree with any visions. But I am able to accept that your world can be completely different from mine. You believe in God and your faith has tons of proofs of his existence? Ok. You believe you’re a wolf trapped in the body of a human ? Ok. You believe abortion should be forbidden because you defend life at all cost (including the mother’s life) ? Ok, I think youre an ignorant assholes but ok, I can understand how someone comes to think so. Sometimes, I feel like my mind is water : it has no hape of its own and will simply embrace the shape of the bottle. It’s not always easy, but thanks to this, I’m able to switch from one point of view to another in a very short second. Therefore, I’m an excellent mediator and translator... 

[4] I can translate neurotypical I’ve learned how to communicate with neurotypical. I often say I should have a personal life translator to communicate with them, because neurotypical doesn’t know how to language properly. Sorry to tell you, this too will probably fill a whole article, but it’s terrible how neurotypical people never ask the question they truely want to be answered. You always have to guess. This might sound obscure to you, so here are a few examples (all true stories, obviously) :

him : would you be interested to watch this movie ? > true question : would you like to watch it with me ?

her : do you want to see the pictures of my travel ? > true question : can I show you the pictures of my travel because it’s important to me ? (important = her need to share, not what I want)

him : what are you reaing / watching ? > true question : hey I’m bored and trying to connect with you

her [at a funding interview] : it’s not a question but there are plurilingual plays in the Middl Age. *silence implying I have to speak* > true meaning : WTH I STILL DON’T KNOW PLEASE SOMEBODY  FUCKING TELL ME

As you can see, I know the translation for some of them now. Unfortunately, I still got lost in translation every once in a while (which can be hurtful both for me and the other person, and this is terrible because the person doesn’t even know why they’re hurt and I have no clue how I could have avoided it since I just answered their question). I’ve developped tools to translate : some kind of idiomatic lexic, ways to reformulate the person’s question so I can make sure I fully understood (or they can correct it). In case of despair, my tendancy to overrecord every information is useful because it allows me to ask friends for a translation by telling them the whole story with all the details. Neurotypical can’t language and I can’t communicate. But I’m improving, so the neurotypical around me are getting better at languaging too since they have to be very clear when they talk to me, and they keep this ability with others. EVERYONE WINS... thanks to my broken mind. (you’re welcome)

[5] I help neurotypical better languaging So my relatives are now way more careful when they talk because they had to use a most accurate language. But I keep fighting for a better use of language (because, once again, I am not its only victim, it’s just that I am a conscious victim of language). And I happened to be at the perfect place for this fight : I’m a teacher. At the university, I taught methodology and theatre analysis to the first years students. I overexplained all the university rules,  their how and why, translated the new words they will constantly hear, explained them when to worry when to take a step away. When I could, I did my best to say outloud what was just implied (but still required !). It was very important to me that the first years students understand this universe as soon as possible, maybe it’s even more important than their studies. My thought was : if you know the rule, then you can properly play the game and even play the rules.But if you don’t, you will be eaten by the rules, sooner or later, no matter if you worked hard... University can be a very obscur and absurd world when you first come to it and I remember the frustration of not even knowing where to look for an information... And today, every once in a while, I still waste time and energy and credibility because I can’t catch the underlined rules that everyone consider granted but never explained.

I’m also a private teacher of... English ! And I think I’m a good one. Because I understand so much how you can find yourself fighting with the words. I know the frustration of being unable to be understood, or to understand the other. I know the fear of talking. I know the “it should be simple but it’s fucking hard for me” feeling. I get it. Even if English is now obvious to me, as obvious as my natural French, I understand all of this. So I’m very patient with my students. I always say : my job is not to teach you English, my job is to learn how you think, how your thought process goes so I can help you learning English. The rest is nothing but grammar. And grammard is not so hard when you know how to put it in your brain. I love the way my students always ask me unexpected questions. Nothing in language is obvious, nothing is definitive. And their questions always move me to a new point. It changes my view on things. Which can help me better understand the problem of the next student. I never sell my students miracle or magic ways. I’m always honest with them “no, I have no idea how much time you’ll need to be fluent” “no, there is no absolute rule”. My ability to listen and my extreme empathy help me be a better language teacher : I know the intimate relationship we have with language. 

[6] I create new unexpected connections. Schizophrenic brains don’t have boarders. This will be better explain when I’ll write the article about linguistic (because this is what helped me understand that part too)(linguistic is my new sexy religion), but my thoughts are not stocked into clear boxes. And when I say “thoughts” I mean : feeling + knowledge + memories + cooking recipe + songlyrics + random unnamed stuffs + probably something that was chocolate before being forgotten here for years. My thought process is a train : one wagon pulls another which pulls another which pulls another and by the end of a sentenc I may not remember how I started it and how I ended up here. It may sound very messy, and it is, but sometimes it’s a very good thing. Because I create new connections neurotypical don’t or can’t see. And these connections are obvious to me.  

Maybe you need a concrete example on this one. My PhD subject is about multilingual theatre. It was already the subject of my master’s thesis. The first thing you do when starting a research like that is check what have been done. And gues what was done for my subject ? Nothing. Or so little... The way I wanted to work on this has never been experienced before. I was even told it was impossible. But I’m one of this people who answer “CHALLENGE ACCEPTED” when you tell them they can’t do something. And I fucking did it. And I had all the possible congratulations. So I moved on with the PhD, still on multilingual theatre, but with a different approach. (I want to work more on the connection between music and language on these plays) Lately, we had to asses the work I did during my first year. One of the teacher of the committe told me that “it’s very new what you’re doing. Usually, people work on this question either with socio-linguistic or musicology, but not both in the same time. Plus, the way you connect music and lanugage through the voice sounds very promising and new”. Yep, voices may be the key. All it takes to get that was a schizophrenic PhD student. 

[7] I’m still alive, still not crazy Maybe it’s the most important thing. Here is a list of achievements :

I went back to university and finally found my place. I did a great master’s thesis, currently fighting for my PhD

I directed two theatre plays

I acted in many others, including some with professional directors with whom I got out of my confort zone

I met some of my best friends today, tolerant and inclusive friends who are always here to translate the world for me. I was also in a couple and had some one night stands.

I published a novel, wrote several theatre plays, still writing 

I tried to enter in many theatre school (even if it didn’t work, that wasn’t something I could imagine doing 10 years ago, when I chose univeristy because there is no selection to go in)

I teach ! I’m scared to hurt people whenever I open my mouth to talk, but... I teach. And I’m good at it !

I’m still not very good to defend myself but working on it.

Some of the voices are now able to communicate in less sybilin messages. 

It’s been some hell of a roadtrip. And we’re far from over. 

It’s a long way home.  Luckyly, we learned what were the best shoes to walk such long distances.