#the whole game cant be long. but i dont know if in succeeding at telling the story

[tortademaracuya]

😥

[heyitsyn]

Keeping Up With Seijoh Ep. 3

a/n: uwuwuwuwu this is an au since yanno,,,, they didnt really make it to nationals :(

for more seijoh content, check this masterlist out!

GUESS WHOS BACK! BACK AGAIN!

anon:

may i request a scenario where seijoh made it to nationals and atsumu flirts with reader🥺

CAN WE BLS STOP THIS SANGWOO/ATSUMU TYPA BEAT BC I HONESTLY DONT VIBE W IT AND IT LOWKEY SCARES ME A LITTLE :o

OMLOMLOML YALL MADE IT TO NATIONALS

to be honest, it was,,, unexpected

you were sitting there, on the bench and gripping it in anticipation as seijoh and shiratorizawa were once again at a match point thanks to kyotani’s angry spike

going past 31, they were now 31-30 with seijoh in the lead

you could tell ushijima was getting antsy despite him covering it up and encouraging his team with a one-liner

your own team was buzzing with both nervousness and hope and iwaizumi was clenching and unclenching his fists in anticipation for the last toss

when the ball went up, oikawa’s eyes flashed, arms moving to set and the red-haired spiky guy was now watching which spiker he was going to give it to

however

he tossed it to no one

instead, oikawa’s hand flicked and he dumped the ball

it was like in slow motion and as shiratorizawa’s players scrambled to the floor, 

it was too late

the ball bounced on yellow polished floor before rolling away, completely unaware of what just happened and the lives it just changed

your mouth hung open, eyes trailing after the rubber ball like every single people in the gym

then it finally hit you

‘YOOOOOOOOSSSSHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’

a scream from iwaizumi lit the candle of happiness and you didnt even care, running out to the court to jump on your captain, tears flowing down his face and his arms squeezing you tightly against his chest

‘AKLDFJJSHKFEOIOWIHFSKESIFOEWIHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’

it was all a jumbled noise from everyone, your team, your coaches, the fans in the stand, and even from that orange boy and his team

the boys were hugging each other and crying and sobbing but oikawa’s hold remained on you, your own tears mixing with his sweat and coating his neck

‘you did it, oikawa-san. you did it’

you whimpered and he laughed and you felt him nodding

‘we’re going to tokyo. nationals!’

he choked out 

‘OIKAWA!’

the entire gym rumbled and you basked in the joy that the entire team radiated before having to stand with the coaches so they could shake hands with shiratorizawa for a good game

the locker room was loud, even much louder than the gym, with kindaichi’s loud sobbing and mattsuhana’s loud celebratory singing and iwaizumi’s joking shouts and eventually joining in

iwaizumi held his arms out for you and you giggled, crashing straight into him

you wiped his sweat filled face and he sat down on the bench, with you standing between his legs and his large hands gripping your waist

‘it’s not a dream, right?’

he whispered, eyes closed at the gentle feeling of you caressing his face

‘no, iwa-san. nationals is ours’

you soothed and he let out another loud laugh before pulling you close and burying his face in your stomach, probably crying again but this time, out of joy

for years theyve tried

and now, they succeeded

well,,, nationals should be a good thing, right?

hmm,,, maybe the honor of going

but the other players??

oh god

it was obvious when miyagi’s representative entered through those doors and eyes immediately went to their manager

it wasnt like you were the only female manager but you were an unfamiliar team so you have never been seen before

uwu youre so pretty like bow down to the goddess

oikawa’s hold on your hand was tight and his eyes flitted to everyone who looked at them, as if signalling them to back off and you were his

‘wahh, oikawa-san! kageyama told me that the best of the best are in here! he told me to look for fukurodani and nekoma!’

seijoh’s eye twitched at the mention of your new-found friend who you’ve been texting back and forth and him secretly teaching you everything about volleyball since your own team has been too busy preparing for nationals

they watched you try and stand in your tippy toes to find the apparent red and black jerseys and the black, white and gold jerseys

hmm,,,, it seems everyone had the same colors

‘ne, y/n-chan, you trust our team, don’t you? if anything, we’re part of the best of the best! you got the best setter right here!’

oikawa grinned but you nodded distractedly

‘come on, we got to go unpack and train’

iwaizumi nudged so you had to stop looking and you followed your captain, who still held your hand

but this is a typical fanfiction ladies and gents

as you were walking towards the locker room, there was a team that wore maroon colored jackets and were walking towards you

again, this is seijoh’s very first nationals so nobody really knew of them

they were more familiar of the white and purple jackets of shiratorizawa rather than the mint green and white of seijoh

however, oikawa seemed to know them

‘ah’

he whispered out, making you look up at him but his sights were straight towards them, a hard and cold look

‘ara? fresh blood?’

you cringed at the weird analogy and the guy with the black tips, who you infered to be the captain, elbowed him

 ‘excuse us’

he nodded in greeting and you noticed the guy with the bleach hair and you did a double-take, blinking rapidly

‘oh sangwoo?’

KSLDFJKDLFJSLDK KILL ME ALREADY

watari coughed, knowing exactly what you meant and it seems nobody else did except for the sangwoo look-a-like

and he raised an eyebrow in interest

‘hm? you called?’

another guy with gray hair, who looked exactly like him, rolled his eyes and he pulled him forward to walk after their captain

but he didnt let off yet

as he passed you by, he leaned close, breath fanning your ear

‘but its miya atsumu, baby girl’

ON GOD I WANT TO COMMIT WITH HOW GROSS HE IS LIKE BLS

kyo, who was behind you, growled at him and pulled you behind himself

‘she has name, fcker’

atsumu faked a surprise and backed away with his hands up

‘alrighty, then. didnt know you had a bodyguard, girlie. but maybe,, later on, we could get to know each other. alone’

YALL THIS IS GOING TO GET BETTER LATER I PROMISE HES NOT A WEIRDO PERVERT AS HE SOUNDS

osamu was annoyed and dragged him away, leaving you with your team, who were also extremely pissed off, especially oikawa

‘heh, the best setter in the country and yet he acts like a horny dog’

oikawa seethed, a pointy smile etched on his face

‘eh? best setter?’

you wondered but not given an answer because your captain would be damned if that atsumu decided to show up again

the locker room was actually the same back home

but kindaichi was sobbing again

‘t-this room! the best of the best! i cant-too much-’

you were busy hugging him and wiping his tears to notice the third years huddling over by the corner

oikawa was sitting on the bench while iwaizumi was changing into his practice jersey and the other two were flanked beside the captain

‘of course theyve got their eye on her now’

oikawa mumbled, fingers laced together and touching his lips

‘what can you expect? y/n-chan is an extremely pretty girl’

mattsun shrugged

‘but ugh, if i see that cheese face again,, i will fight’

iwa threatened, angrily slipping his arms through the holes

‘he reeked nasty! gross!’

makki agreed

‘so we’re agreeing to keep her in our sights right?’

they agreed to oikawa’s question and were going to stick by that word

but,,,,

what can you expect from star-struck players?

maybe its because theyve worked for so long to reach this point that the fact that they’re even standing in the tokyo stadium felt like a dream

‘guys, i need to go and fill the bottles really quick’

they mumbled distracted agreements so you sighed and lugged the crate of bottles

thank god there was a fountain nearby and as you were capping the last one, a familiar voice rang from behind you

‘oh? baby girl?’

you flinched at the weird nickname and thought that if you stayed quiet, hed leave

‘chibi? hey?’

he asked and made his way to your side, you closing your eyes and looking off to the side

atsumu thought you were interesting, not like every girl who would spread their legs at him and press up to him

the fact that you even AVOIDED looking at him was so foreign to him and your dismissive attitude made him so drawn to you

‘look, im sorry if i made ya uncomfortable earlier’

he,,, apologized?

but you didnt know who he was so you didnt know how out of character it was for him to even say ‘sorry’

'miya-san, hello’

you mumbled, eyes now opened but still focused on the bottle you gripped

he cracked a smile and was he,,,, nervous?

usually, hed say something dumb or sarcastic to cut the tension, but it was like he was even,,, careful,,, with what he wanted to say next

‘how-um-you like it ‘ere?’

if osamu was to see him now, he’d think his brother was kidnapped by those aliens oikawa swore up and down were real and was replaced by some opposite dimension version of atsumu

you gulped, mustering up a small smile before turning to look at him

‘miya-san, dont take offense to this, but just know i have a very loud voice and i can lift 80 pounds. and im the first one to ever beat iwa-san in an arm-wrestling match’

you puffed your cheeks in intimidation with your eyebrows furrowed but accidentally looking more cute rather than scary

were you,,, threatening him?

atsumu paused for a second to assess the situation and really understand the underlying meaning of your words

then he laughed

a real hearty laugh that made him go for a whole minute

‘-ahahaha!! whew, chibi-chan, ya’r a rare one’

wait i dont know how to type you’re with an accent !!!!!

he let out a few more chuckles then wiped a tear that fell

you just stood there 🧍‍♀️ 

‘you think its funny, miya-san? yahaba-kun and i also have a supernatural telepathy phenomenon-’

‘chibi-chan, i swear i wont hurt ya’

he promised but you backed your face away, an eyebrow raised

‘thats what they all say. if anything, youre scaring me more so i’ll-’

‘wait’

he held out a hand out but he quickly curled it, pulling it back to his chest

‘i,,,, listen i know how basic this may sound but,,,, youre the first to ever be like this to me’

you rolled your eyes

‘you think i havent heard that before? i have oikawa-san in my team, for god’s sake! ‘youre one of a kind’ ‘youre not like other girls’ yadda yadda’ try harder, miya-san’

you tilted your head with a crooked smile 

were you,,, playing hard to get?!

atsumu’s eyes shined, wanting to finally do the chasing rather than being chased

‘well, first off, chibi-chan, i need to know your name’

he leaned forward with his hands buried deep inside his maroon jacket pocket

‘my name? what good will that do? you already call me something else dont you? a name is meant to help people call each other and youve been calling me ‘chibi’ so what’s the point of giving you my birth name?’

even with a straight face, atsumu right away knew of your teasing as your eyes were shining brightly and had a hint of amusement in them

oh my god hes in love with you

he was in disbelief of your attitude towards him so he nodded slowly and laughed again

‘what can i do to earn that name then, chibi-chan?’

ehehehe kuroo,,,,, im in danger

you crossed your arms and pouted, leaning forward

‘ehh? why do you want it so bad? do you call others ‘chibi’ too?’

your expression of suspicion was so adorable that he couldnt stop himself from lunging forward and squeezing your cheeks between his fingers

‘so cute. youre my only chibi, chibi-chan’

you hummed, swiftly wiping his touch away from you

‘doubt it. ive only met you today and you’re already acting like this. what makes you think i think youre genuinely interested in me, miya-san?’

‘fate?’

this time, you chuckled, head leaning down

and as you looked back up, your heart stopped

by the distance, there was a familiar-looking haired boy with golden eyes and an also familiar black hair and steel blue eyes

oh dear

your emotions went sour but you saw the black and white-haired male laugh and the steel eyed male shake his head in disapproval but had the hint of the smallest smile

they,, were now happy

‘fate, you say’

you mumbled distractedly

‘fate instilled magnets in us so i just cant help but be drawn to ya’

atsumu grinned but you averted your eyes to look at him, a soft and genuinely happy look

‘would those magnets be strong enough to draw us together, even if we were in another life? if we were fated, would we meet again?’

you looked up at him, your eyes still glistening but this time, with the slightest bit of hope

atsumu sent you a confused glance but he still shrugged

‘i guess so, if i’m so drawn to you right now. maybe in our past life we were,,, together?’

he tested out, expecting you to roll your eyes and walk away but you laughed

‘well, i just witnessed it happening so maybe its possible?’

you wondered out loud

atsumu blinked again, getting more and more interested in you

‘chibi-chan?’

he asked you and you jumped slightly to look at him with a smile

‘say, miya-san, what if i told you that i remember my past life? and what would you say if i told you that you were in it?’

you grinned but atsumu scrunched his face together before smiling

‘hmm, i dont know what youre sayin but it proves my point!’

he exclaimed but you cocked an eyebrow, a sad smile resting on your lips

‘now what would you say if i told you that you were my nurse?’

a/n: omg i actually hate how this turned out like bls blast me on this

a/n pt 2: during my break, i actually re-read ‘in another life’ and i wrote this up after i finished it again and can i just say? I WILL NEVER SHUT UP ABOUT THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CREDITS TO LITTLELUXRAY ON AO3

a/n pt 3: hewwo im back again and since no one replied with a link, i can,,, guess??,,, that the book is gone??? or taken down?? but anyways, i just really wanted to post something and tbh, stuff like this cant be helped but i really do hope that it’s gone and if its not, dkasjdfkslf again send me the link

[thelittlehansy]

How many things Hans share with domestic abusers ?

I just cant count the number time i read that hans remind them of their toxic abusive ex. Hans has already be link to "domestic abuser " in fanfic.  in some modern AU fanfic  i read Hans beats anna because you know...he is the villain. I also saw that there was some fanfic where Hans rapes anna and elsa 🤢 because you know....he didnt even kiss anna but he would totally do it because yeah....he is the villain.

And just people imagine the worst about what if hans succeed into marrying anna.  So lets back to one of my favorite things.

List 🤓🤓

This times how many signs hans share with abuser in the movie ? i took an article on the web about the subject.

1-CHARMING.

“Initially, he showers his woman with praise, adoration, and attention. His courtship is sweet and intense filled with phrases such as, “I can’t live without you.” He quickly pushes for an exclusive relationship or engagement.”

Yes he is charming ! There was love at first sight this is  very much possible hans said things describe above maybe he even means some of them because again...that scene when he is alone smile smitten  by anna under the boat. The only difference is that there was specific reasons about the fact that he ask quickly Anna to marry him he didn't have times the gates were going to be closed and he could said goodbye to his key to the throne this is why he propose so fast to anna. So the comparison with abusive relationship and what is describe above dont seems really honest as they was an explication to his behavior if he could have times to seduce her during a long time ,  he would have done it  i think (?) one the thing we know about him is that he is a very very patient person.

2. JEALOUS.

“He views other men as a threat to the relationship and accuses you of flirting with everyone from his brother to the mailman. “I know you are looking at him.” The irony is that he often is the one who is cheating.”

Behavior never show in the movie we dont know how he would have reacted to kristoff presence. when his show his "true colors" hans show us that he dont cares about anna and that   she is last of his worries.

X

3. MANIPULATIVE.

“This man is very intelligent. He knows how to detect your weak spots, and he uses your vulnerability and past pain to his advantage. “You were abused as a kid because you are so ugly.”

He never said such an horrible thing like what is described above but...he is smart he us manipulative he did use others people vulnerability ! So very much positive !

but again there is still these problem  about hans being manipulative ? ..who put totally in question hans manipulation in the movie toward anna and seriously put doubt about how much he actually manipulate anna.

 His smitten smile when she left also present in kids book who tell “ hans is smitten by the princess”  the fact that anna called him lunatic and not a liar in the book a  frozen of shadow. and hims admitted he did not manipulate her at all in a frozen heart

4. CONTROLLING.

He wants to know where you are going and who you are with at all times. He may check the mileage on your car or follow you to the grocery store. He often refuses to allow you to work because you might “meet someone.”

Behavior never show in the movie again once hans reveal his true colors he show us that he dont give a damn about anna.

X

5. A VICTIM.

“His poor choices are everyone else’s fault. When he loses his job, gets into a fight, or a business deal falls through, it’s always because of the other person. He is never at fault. “You make me hit you.””

Behavior never show in the movie when he reveal his true colors we dont know.

X

6. NARCISSISTIC.

“The whole world revolves around him. As the “little woman who is beneath him,” it is your job to meet his every need. He is the master; you are the unworthy slave. It’s invigorating for him to know that everyone around him “walks on eggshells.””

Behavior never show in the movie with anna or with the others people  also we dont know.

X

7. INCONSISTENT.

“Mood swings are a common trait for an abuser. One minute he seems happy and sweet, the next he is pounding his fist.”

Honestly i will not say behavior not show in the movie but more contradictory behavior hans really knows how to stay calm , tolerate frustration and Someone like that would have never succeeded  to did what hans did. I think He will act more like the duke of weselton if he had mood swings.

X

8. CRITICAL.

“No matter how hard you try you will never be able to satisfy this kind of man. He thinks nothing of degrading and verbally assaulting you. “You are a stupid, fat, disgusting tramp. You can never leave me. No other man would have you.””

Behavior not show in the movie at all.we dont know if we cant satisfy hans or if he degrade others people and verbally assault them. Then  again he left anna at the end he didnt tell her "no man expect me would want you" but the contrary he break her heart and leave her.

he said to anna that she was desperate for love and was willing to marry him just like that which was true and also an opinion shared by both Kristoff and Elsa and the audience.

the part when he said “you are not a match for elsa” he was responding to anna.

So thats left us with only one thing the “ oh anna if only there was someone out there who loved you”. and trying to deduce that from  this line Hans will said to anna the kind of stuff describe above is....extremely exaggerated. Behavior not show in the movie

not enough evidence.

X

9. DISCONNECTED.

His main goal is to isolate his victim from family and friends so that you are totally dependant on him. “Your family causes too much trouble for us. I don’t want you seeing them anymore.”

Again behavior not show in the movie he never tried to isolated anna when he show his true colors hans dont give a damn about anna anymore. Even the argument between the sisters was not intentional on his part anna arguing with elsa was far from being his goal since him what he wanted was elsa benediction and anna behavior was the last thing that he needed and just the fact that he wants to kill elsa as we all know is in order to be king not to isolated anna from her family. 

X

10. HYPERSENSITIVE.

The slightest offense sends him ranting. Everyone is out to “get him.”

Behavior never show in the movie  there was the moment with the duke of weselton  but the duke was not even criticized Hans but anna and Hans reaction was to assure his plan.

so we only have hans responding to anna that not this is her that is a not a match for elsa during his betrayal scene. So again based yourself on that and deduce “omg he is hypersensitive” is...exaggerated. We need more evidence. So in the end we just dont know again !

X

11. VICIOUS AND CRUEL.

A significant number of abusers harm children and animals as well as a partner. Inflicting pain and intimidating others is what gives him power. “I’ll kill you before I’ll let you go. If I can’t have you, no one will.”

Behavior not show in the movie he is able to show kindness to animals as he show it with Anna horse. We dont know about hans relationship with children and his whole relationship with animals. 

X

12. INSINCERELY REPENTANT.

He will swear to never “hit you again.” But unless he receives professional help and strong accountability it’s very unlikely that he will change.

Behavior never show in the movie the betrayal scene.

X

IN CONCLUSION : , we dont know. we just dont know if Hans had a behavior similar to domestic abuser with their girlfriend/spouse and if Anna would end up in a abusive relationship with him. 

honestly (that’s  only my opinion ) but judging by his behavior in the movie , his plans , his desire i think Hans would not have been an abusive Husband but an Absent Husband only interest by his job and not his queen since the start even if he liked Anna at some point his big dream to be king is what is the most important to him.

So  again  the only thing he has in common with domestic abuser is that he is manipulative but even that...hans manipulation on anna...is put in question everywhere in the beginning of the movie...books...vidéo games where it say he has a crush on her.All of the rest we just dont know or he saw contradictory behavior.

Hans never show us to be jealous , controlling, possessive, physically abusive , oversensitive , blame others and play the victim , oR inconsistent.  and even based on the movie we just cant affirm that hans is someone that verbally insult person since he never show that behavior again in the movie.

So hans acting like a domestic abuser is as true as a headcanon for someone who will like the idea of him being one. 

We just dont know how would have been his marriage with anna. All of this assumptions about hans characters to me really as based on the fact that we compare abusing someone and someone trust and put them in the same case.  This is not any better but this is believe  are two very different things. 

 i also have read lot of time woman said " hans was nice to anna and then show his true colors" then they compare that to abusive domestic relationship. But the thing is that an abuser once he show you his true colors he began to be controlling, jealous, physical abusive , emotionally abusive. Hans once he show his true colors. he leave anna he abandon her the comparaison is not very great here since in the end Anna yes would have trust issues but did not  suffer of abusive relationship victims suffer. 

We also learn think about Hans in his backstory in the frozen Franchise so yeah we dont have confirmation this is canon to the movie but this is very much canon to the frozen franchise and officially publish and approve by disney : He was not an abusive child.  he never abuse people on the contrary he was abuse by his father and brothers both physically and emotionally.  (the majority of people dont reproduce this behavior once adult but reject it) he Hates violence and is someone peaceful. He is not controlling over person but situation. He has all his life being bully because he is not cruel  and hates his father view on social darwinism and how he treat their citizens. He is used to criticized and be called a disappointment. He also dont play the victim. again the only thing confirm by his backstory is that he can be manipulative.

so i m gonna finish that post with that gif who show us that Anna is not scared of Hans. something again that rarely or just  dont have in domestic abusive relationship in real life.

[blookmallow]

i got really intensely involved in the dark brotherhood questline for a while, here’s part 2, wherein things ABSOLUTELY ALL GO TO SHIT 

---

i literally just walked in, said hi to the soldiers, killed the target and left and nobody suspected a goddamn thing 

it was an imperial fort so everyone was just like “oh hi what’s up” lmao

that’s the really scary thing about medea is she’s not just a really good assassin, she has friends and connections all over skyrim. she doesn’t have to lie and bribe her way in to get at her targets. most of the time they invited her in themselves

my god ive killed 722 people now. thats more people than fuckin draugrs 

granted like almost all of them were just swarms of bandits or pirates or whatever but Still

also can u tell i dont know how to do a backstab :’) 

only 13 of them counted as murders though but thats still..... 13 confirmed murders

and yet i have somehow never been to jail, ever

also im really bad at pickpocketing lmao 

im good at every stealth thing except that for some reason

also the stolen horses were bandit horses, i didnt like. steal from a stable or something 

i felt really bad about killing anoriath because like, i know that guy, y’know, not Well, but i see him around whiterun all the time, 

elrindir didn’t see me do it (no one did, i got away with that one too) but occasionally his dialogue slips into shit like this as if he Knows so i think the game can’t quite figure out whether he knows what i did or not :’) 

im taking that as “he’s pretty fucking sure but he can’t prove it so he can’t do anything about it” which upsets me 

ANYWAY then i had to impersonate the gourmet in order to attempt to poison the emperor. because that’s the kind of life I’ve gotten myself into now, apparently,

thats a lil racist but ok 

also this is VERY uncomfortable given that my entire face is visible and like, my family lives in solitude, im a member of the imperial army, but, uh 

the temptation to say these ridiculous answers was ungodly but i did Not want to get found out lmao 

,,,,im. sure he is, 

i feel SO bad about this, this poor girl probably thought this was the opportunity of a lifetime, getting to meet the gourmet and cook for the emperor himself and now she’s just gonna be implicated in an assassination plot she had nothing to do with 

i haven’t been able to find her since all this happened i want to know what happened to her : ( she didnt deserve this 

hhhhhhhhhh

STEALS THE FUCKING EMPEROR’S CLOTHES AND RUNS 

oh

well. uh. fuck 

WAIT EXCUSE ME FUCKING WHAT 

so i just was caught attempting to murder the emperor of skyrim (and succeeding in murdering the emperor’s double, who was less important but also a real guy) and this guard caught me and tried to arrest me.... but then just.... let me go...... bc i asked nicely.... thanks bud

:’) 

so uh. we have a SITUATION now, and i ran off for the sanctuary the first chance i got. every goddamn thing was on fire 

WAIT FUCK.... VEEZARA!!!!!  NO......................

why did they take his clothes what the FUCK

not like this..... not like this 

OH NO THE SPIDER :( :( :( 

her name was lis.......... i never even knew 

i was getting INCREDIBLY frantic at this point, found gabriella dead too, couldn’t find astrid, festus, or babette anywhere (and assumed if babette was dead i probably would just hear about it later as they’d probably want to avoid showing a “child” corpse) 

NAZIR

THANK FUCKING GOD SOMEONE’S STILL ALIVE

BABETTE!!!!!

everything was destroyed. the whole place is in fucking ruins and i am so upset i was not remotely prepared for this to happen 

i still couldn’t find festus anywhere but babette and nazir were alright, and the night mother told me astrid was still alive somewhere 

but.

uh.

well,

jESUS FUCKING CHRIST 

she was the one who sold us out, all of this was her fault, everyone is dead because of her but somehow, especially seeing her like this, i cant bring myself to be angry 

she couldn’t have known this was going to happen, she wanted me dead but she was trying to protect the family

i was NOT prepared for shit to get this intense this was SUCH a shock (not in like, a ‘i needed a warning’ way just, wow, i have not been this completely thrown off guard by a game in a long time) 

i guess i have to, huh

it... doesn’t look like there’s any chance she could possibly come back from this, so. killing her now would be a mercy more than anything 

so i did it 

god. we could not have fucked this up any worse, huh. what a disaster 

so... this place is completely destroyed now, we’re moving to the dawnstar sanctuary

oh my FUCKING GOD!!!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!

i. found festus, i guess. god. i was almost hoping i could at least pretend maybe he got out somehow even if i never see him again but. that sure took out any possible room for doubt, huh

you dont fucking say 

[swampgallows]

i just woke up, it’s close to noon here, five hours is good enough i guess. i keep thinking about college and how fucking suicidally depressed i was then and how ive spent half of this year being unemployed and generally just struggling to take care of myself in the most banal and basic ways possible, and how depression really does just delete years from your life. you live through them in a daze,  you’re already a ghost, you’re already dead. questing in wrath of the lich king is honestly some of the last shit i remember concretely before going into a two year gray area of passing my classes and nothing else. i remember breaking up with my boyfriend because he chose raiding over me. i dont want to talk about it again. the memory is still painful. still, even still, ten years later. and in late 2008 i was attacked in my dorm room and i was screaming and my roommates thought i was being a big ol slut. they thought any guy that came over was someone i was fucking. when i went to blizzcon in 2008 and my brother stayed in my dorm they thought i was fucking him too until i told them he was my little brother. they tried so fucking hard to suppress my interests and make me “like them”. “there’s more to life than world of warcraft and pokemon” they said as if going to college basketball games and rewatching disney movies has any more enrichment or depth beyond what i was fucking doing. my life is so full of hatred, from myself, from other people, just being fostered in me in general, and it’s only within the last few years that i’ve gotten to heal from it at all, all the time being hurt more and more

i was talking to a friend yesterday who is just 19 and thinking about where i was when i was 19, which of course puts me in 2009 again, the year i dropped out of existence, and i was telling them about how i was essentially raised by the ilk of 4chan and the piece of shit community on wow that, like, since i’m around ~liberal genderqueer~ tumblr-type spaces all the time, genuinely shocks me to remember still exists, of those fucking hypermasculine overcompensating military dudes. and we were talking about how like, nerds in general tend to have shit social skills or anxiety or are Othered in ways that have them reinforce this piece of shit pecking order where the loudest and meanest proclaim themselves the Leader and everyone just follows them because theyre too meek to challenge them or they mistake arrogance for confidence and assume any asshole crowing that loud about how Right they are all the time Must Be Right. 

and i thought of my own life, my ex QP, my old friend groups, my abusive ex boyfriend, how i mistook so long their malice as strength, how i was duped by their self-aggrandizement. they had no skills, no talents, no girlfriend (except when i dated them), no women in their lives in general, no real friends they could count on (except, for my abuser, an older man with 3 children and a brand new divorce whose house he muscled and manipulated himself into—”i cant even bear to be in the old master bedroom anymore”—and my abuser promptly MOVED HIMSELF INTO IT) no hobbies, and the one or two hobbies that they had—fishing, video games—they were fucking less-than-passable at. my ex-qp wasn’t good at video games. he would use cheat codes or just play the strongest character and rely on everyone else to pick up his slack. warrior, carry, tank, what have you; all of us his underlings to support him to victory—”I’m doing all of the damage and getting none of the kills”—he would whine, oblivious to the concept of teamwork and seeking credit within the only realm he had a semblance of succeeding in. 

anyway so when i first joined tumblr i swung the pendulum in the other direction because i absolutely had to, it was for my survival to become a virulent feminazi as they put it, and i was obnoxious about it, and i reposted rape statistics all the time and challenged people all the time because i had to. i had to let it overtake me in order to purge all of the 10+ years of toxic social conditioning that places like 4chan and their little infestations in WoW and all of my abusive partners instilled in me. i had to be vocal about rape this and sexual assault that because i spent the better part of my adolescence trying to laugh away the fact that i was raped as a child, trying to make jokes about my “delicious flat chest” and pedobear and “surprise buttsecks/it’s not rape if you yell surprise” and “delicious loli”; some of the images i had willingly saved on my ancient hard drive are absolutely harrowing to go through now as an adult knowing my mushy impressionable 14 year old traumatized mind was trying to cope with and gloss over what had happened to me and with the future i was facing as a budding adolescent in this kind of environment. men didnt want to be responsible for what happened to me or with what would happen to me, it made them uncomfortable for me to talk about it, so i was told to laugh it away, that nobody cares that i was raped, that i was stronger if i could just laugh about it, that no topics were beyond reproach or off limits, and that if i wasnt desensitized to my own suffering then i was weak, i was a sheep, i was a burden, i was letting my emotions get the better of me.

obviously, tumblr as a whole DIRECTLY acts in opposition of this: everything is rooted in our traumas, which we are expected to lay bare for all to be taken seriously: 4chan demanded that we invalidate the trauma by making a joke of it and allowing the masses to pick it apart for their own entertainment, to become part of the anonymous “legion” by offering up our individuality to be consumed by the group (as a currency of “lulz”, basically); tumblr, reflexively, demands we validate the trauma by making it an open and public integral asset to our identity, to have easily digestible and categorized characteristics so as to fit into the tumblr hierarchy of needs, their own misinterpreted facsimile and microcosm of existing systematic oppression, and obtain a sort of fixed currency of privilege or “woke points” dependent on identity politics. so i definitely needed to purge my previous conditioning with this reclamation of my identity as a survivor, etc, and had about 7 years of misplaced anger and fury condensed into a good two or so years instead, and even now im still parsing details. 

it wasnt until i was 22 that i had even heard the term asexuality and it wasnt until i was 25 that i realized i was bi (or “could be” bi), even though i had already been in love with and sexually active with women years prior lmao. i had been told by every possible source that having a dick inside me would change my life and change my outlook and change me into a better person or whatever the fuck, that i would “understand” and “grow up” and “become a woman” or whatever and guess what it did fucking NOTHING, just like every teen drama romance or whatever tries to stress over and over, sex is not a magical lifechanging event that hands you a million dollars and a healthy brain. it changes your life in some ways and it’s definitely not something to be taken lightly but in no way is it a cure for anything.

i dont know where i’m going with this, im just fucking pissed off about my life, im pissed off that healing takes so long and that i had to do any of it in the first place. im so pissed about all of my time wasted with this fucking piece of shit body and fucking piece of shit brain and i wish i could just go back to work and be a functional human being but im like just a short leap away from doing any of that. i have to get in touch w my previous HMO once the new year starts now that im confirmed for medi-cal, and i should have done it months ago, but i have to just accept that this whole time ive been not USELESS but just utterly CONSUMED by self-preservation, that it is taking most of my effort to want to be alive and stay on this planet any longer. especially now with my teeth bugging me so bad because i cant fucking take care of myself so im grinding my teeth and clenching my jaw and i guess eating improperly or what have you idont fucking know. im going to buy a waterpik even though it’s fifty dollars and i have not made ANY MONEY in the last 6 months or done ANY of what i wanted to do and i still have a number of commissions needling at me that i genuinely like cant fucking even look at withotu fucking hitting myself and crying, and im seriously not trying to make fucking excuses, i am so fucking ashamed and consumed by self-hatred about this, this has been a problem for me SINCE COLLEGE where i was an ART MAJOR that i had to fucking beat the shit out of myself to try to draw anything “seriously”, and i do mean literally beating myself, bludgeoning myself with my morris sticks and smacking myself in the face/head and clawing at my skin, and i fucking hate it

i just know i need like SO MUCH recovery or healing or whatever the fuck, i feel so long overdue for very basic shit, and part of me feels like a withering plant, like pouring water over dry leaves thinking it’s just going to saturate itself and be instantly rejuvenated. im losing leaves in the process, as it were, and getting no “water” all this time. i feel like i’m in drought mode. these last six months are me basically conserving all i have, toeing away from the edge of the cliff because iw as so ready yall i was so fucking ready, i was ready to jump off, i spent whole lunch hours just ready to fucking leap, staring down the void, staring at the winding road that went up the mountain, staring at the deer who stared back at me, hiding my face from Adults who treated me like a wind-up doll, i just couldnt take it, ic ouldnt be somewhere that sterile, i couldnt be spending so much of my life getting so little back, i coudlnt see my friends ever, i couldnt breathe, but in general my brain is sick and i need to heal from all of these things, i need to figure out how i can cope with being alive because i am going to be alive at least a little longer and i need to not fear and crave death simultaneously. i do not want to die, I DO NOT want to die, but i cannot live in a constant state of recuperating. my life has just felt like the Shutting Down... screen for the last 2 years. 

NEED a new dentist NEED my teeth fixed PLEASE GOD open the stem cell dentin treatment to clinics worldwide GOD fix my TEETH PLEASE let me REGROW my TEETH NEED therapy NEED to fix my brain NEED to figure out how i can cope with being unable to support myself in this shit fucking economy NEED TO RECOVER NEED TO GET BETTER PLEASE IM FUCKING SUFFERING 

[celestialallstars]

Episode #2: “also I’m lying about being vegan” - Bryce

So the vote off was okay. I was slightly worried it was going to be Alyssa.

For the challenge I sat out. I hate sitting out. It makes me feel nervous because I can know if they are trying their hardest or not. I hope we can win because i dont want to go to tribal. The good thing is that I think I may be social good in my tribe.

I've done more reflecting and like I think I need to just count on a good swap. While I do enjoy this tribe I have to be prepared for worst case scenario. I do think perhap I jumped the gun a little with the alliance stuff on my tribe though I at least trust a few people around here. Kori and Bryce are cool yet it is interesting seeing perspectives from Stephen and Jared, the latter of which has admitted to feeling weary about the other. Still I find that Cyrena is my blindspot. I talk to Rhys, Alyssa, Mo, and Jack here and there but I am thinking about trying to get deeper connections. Hmm we will see!!

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I'm just running Loris' chance of finding an idol lol so far despite talking up a storm we have succeeded in having the same idol hunts lol communication is our strong suit.

I really hope we win, if we lose and I did the worst... I’m gonna be devastated... I’m hopeful we can pull through. Also real quick my dumbass took the time to write chrysanthemum for a flower category.

KARTHIK GOT BOOTED I REPEAT KOMNATA TOOK A HIT AND HE DRAGGED ANNA!! SHES A KRADHAKA!! (if thats a slur im so sorry i do not know NNNN). anyway. category is IS my comp but I SURELY FLOPPED!! BYEE!! i got 58 last season i got 99 like bokay lol

anyway this isnt my actual confession for the round but WHEN ALYSSA CALLED ME AND TOLD ME TO NOT TRYHARD COMPS IT REALLY HIT DIFFERENTLY HUH!! IVE BEEN FLOPPING

also i feel like my tribe hates me oh well they can eat my pussy n call me the winner :p

Im so nervous. I dont want to go to tribal. Im really scared. Kinda.

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This really sucks. Dont think i would have helped. It just sucks we have to vote someone off now. Im kinda nervous.

SO! My alliance searching has gotten off to a very strange start. I started by approaching Jared, someone who I've spent a lot of time talking to and seems like he'd be very useful to my game in the long run. I wanted to make a 4-person alliance with him, Mitch, and Kori. He didn't want to pull Kori in though, because he's apparently close with Bryce. So, whatever, I'm not gonna complain, three person alliance is still decent.

Almost immediately after I finish settling that deal, KORI comes to me saying he'd like to make an alliance. The initial idea he proposes is with Me/Him/Bryce/Rhys/Mitch. This is fine too! Being a part of more than 1 alliance sounds like it could be a good time assuming we don't go to too many tribal councils. SO I said yes.

Of course, I wanted to avoid this whole situation blowing up, so I go to talk to Mitch about it so he knows what's up and hopefully keep him from thinking I'm a two-timing mfer. He's okay with the idea but wants to stay loyal to our alliance with Jared. Fine. Totally fine. A little dicey if we have to vote more than 1 person out, but it should keep people from talking about getting rid of me for the time being.

This is where shit gets BAD.

Kori talks to Rhys and Bryce about this group, and apparently RHYS told him he'd prefer to have Jared instead of Mitch. What the FUCK RHYS? I ALREADY TOLD MITCH! LMFAO

Jared wants to tell Mitch about it, which is uh... fine. BECAUSE HE ALREADY KNOWS BECAUSE OF ME AHHHHHHHHHHH!

If Maynor is voted out everyone on the tribe is gonna know about this alliance I'm shook. I wanna get Rhys out a little bit now. He has enough sway over Kori to get him to change his mind on this hours later. But how the FUCK am I gonna pull that off if there's only 6 of us? Whatever, that's down the road. Hopefully we'll win the immunity challenge and not have to worry about this.

SO I’m really freaking out about how bad I did on the tribal what the fuck! But whatever I can work my way out of this, I think I’ve connected well socially to the other tribe members and they’ve all done so well maybe I’ll be carried thorough but I’m incredibly worried GAH

So I've got my alliance of 5 together, and timing could not have been better because we unfortunately lost the challenge... which sucks this'll be my first premerge tribal in Celestial history.

I'm praying that I've got the baseline connections that I needed to get a Maynor Boot out of this tribal since the idea of a winnergeddon is pretty depressing.

I've got the vote reveal that I found too which is pretty cool but also fundamentally not something I know how to use in any productive manner to help my game. Just a fun thing I can do during the season provided I make it to merge to make it do the most it can.

I'm honestly pretty nervous, I've been trying to be lowerkey in the way things have gone down. I'm hoping that I've at least made the social connections and contributed enough to the tribe that they want to keep me, and nothing meta like Kori's a winner is gonna kill me immediately.

IM SO SAD UGHHh like not to be ott but i hate my tribe so much KJHFASDKJFHA  like how come they cant do good at any challenge its literally just naming some categories u could use google how do u not do much just GOOGLE KJAFHSDJ like AND ITS SO ANNOYING i dont wanna be 2nd boot thats so ugly and its like ppl dont give me a chance. mitch literally just doesnt respond to me like how do i play around that and yet he cant even go this round bc stephen loves him and so does jared like idk how hes just so frustrating i want him OUT. and ppl thrown out maynors name and yaa hes inactive and doesnt talk to me but still i know he doesnt hate me like mitch does and will actually reply to me when i msg him. jared my king but he FLOPPED THIS CHALLENGE JKASDFHKASHDFKJ but i forgive we all have bad days. also im lying about being vegan yaa

Phew! I was far too nervous for this challenge. I was feeling sick and all and had lost all hope but to see we kept immunity by a few points makes me feel good about our chances! Hoping none of the people I talk to on Tuatha go but I have to prepare for one of them to go sadly.

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Honestly I kinda hope it is Maynor who goes only because I talk to him the least. It sucks but I have to try and keep as connected as possible. Kori and Bryce are givens but Steph and Jared are like priority! Rhys and Mitch I am gucci with a little bit so it leaves Maynor...we'll see though!

WE’RE SAFE BEEEEEEEEECH IM SO HAPPY.

I would of been fine with coming in second but when I saw we came in first I got so excited. We were rewarded with a bunch of animals and I picked the alpacas in which I got nothing, but oh well. I hope I can manage to stay safe from now on.

Okay, day 6. Not sure what I said in my last confessional. So sorry for repeats?

So, me and Bryce are potatoes and love each other and cemented the Supddies duo. So right now he is my closest ally. Since this challenge started I've been worried about loosing, so I've been trying to a grasp on this tribe. So far, it *seems* everyone is good with me. However would they tell me otherwise, probably not.

So I want to push an alliance to keep me and Bryce safe. So I approach Jared and say we should make one and he agreed , but we didn't quite make one. Anyway fast forward like 2 hours, Kori approaches me saying he wants an alliance between Bryce, Mitch, Stephen, Himself and myself. I say sure whatever, cause this is survivors and I'm not turning nothing down. I express concern for Mitch though as he leaves both me & Bryce on read alot?! So he changes him out with Jarred. Which is awesome.

So currently, we are going to tribal. I'm in an alliance of 5, and within that 5 I feel like I'm in a unofficial 3 of me Bryce and Jarred. So that leaves Maynor and Mitch up for tribal. Some reason people like Mitch? guess hes not leaving them on read huh. So people want Maynor out. I'd prefer Mitch, but there isn't any point in pushing a vote this round as Im still in a strong place.

so here is my customary "must have a conf in before the round is over" conf. idk not a lot has seemed to have happened since my last one. Karthik left which was obvious and then it made sense why bodhi was being shady cause he couldn't fucking vote LOL. ugh the memories <3. and it wasn't even MY vote from marmoreal it was justin's from wakea LOL.

jack, alyssa and i are a tight 3 it seems like. we are sharing idol clues and just generally having a merry old time. Mo and I are also getting along really well, we are definitely vibing and i don't want him to go any time soon. Tobi i already new previously so there is a relationship there already, but i'm trying to overcome that and i want to start talking game with him soon. Bodhi, to me, is still a bit of an enigma. I still don't really know him that well, which is weird cause we've talked a bit. idk, when he do speak there isn't a lot of substance and its just slightly off putting. i also know him and alyssa have spoken a bit cause he told her about the doors on the middle branch so im watching on that.

the rest of the cast i seem to be getting along well with. I'm definitely putting less time into talking to them because previous org experiences tell me that tribe first, then OW. Rhys, Chloe and Michael i all love. Zach and bryce too, but i know there is a friend group in them and tobi so i would like one of them gone before a merge situation for sure. I find kori kinda annoying, you can definitely tell he's doing the rounds talking to everyone. Chris and Mitch i still don't really know either.

Idk maybe i'm not taking this as seriously as i should but like as i said coming into this, i've already proved myself in S4, so i don't need to go mad this game trying to prove myself. i'm taking a more laid back approach, which might come to bite me in the ass so who knows what it will do to me looking ahead.

So I have a plan to possibly use Chloe's not wanting an alliance to my advantage should we swap with majority...essentially I sell to people how I wanted to work with other people and start an alliance with, say, Zach and Loris. Though when Chloe was asked, she rejected it. As a result, this cause a rift to form in that it left mistrusts and sides to form and then Wallace, no united tribe! Only downside is this being one world so somebody can go to Chloe and tell her this....what to do what to do

IM SO AHHHH WOOH JARED FINDING IDOL SO HAPPY im so sad tho bc like he wont votemitch so maynors going i just know this is a bad idea but w/e at least having jared have the idol gives me a little more confidence

So in regards to this idol messiness, I've talked with Stephen, Kori, Jared Zach, Loris, and all. While some did make it weird, the last two I've been talking the most as far as info and it has been rad because we talk about things that others tell us. But last night Loris and I told each other where we can go before to avoid us going to the same places again. WELL this morning I told him where I went and found nothing. He told me that he'd go to mid branch and do Mitch because he never played his idol and I'm like ok makes sense. Now he avoided the question when I asked if he had anything but was talking just fine before it so now I'm like oh okay...is this an idol finder? I guess I'll see but if it is then good for him I guess LOL still I have a suspicion but maybe I am overreaching

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I just realized Loris in fact did send a message about his response to the idol so I guess I'm a fool...but it was still missing exactly where he went so I wont let him off that easy!

lol nvm! Chloe said it was too early for an alliance so that flopped. so that scares me bc I feel like chloe has the power to be close with everyone to the point where even if anyone tried to get her out people wouldn’t want to do it... yikes.... I’m slightly excited for a swap? I’ve barely spoken to jack kori and alyssa and me and maynor haven’t messaged each other once NSMDMDMFMFFMFM... but on the other hand I’m close with bodhi , Jared, Bryce and probably other ppl I��m forgetting so I mean the chances of me being utterly fucked aren’t that high...

I dont know if im paranoid or what. But im having a bad feeling. I feel like I may be a target but if people are saying voting for someone who is ‘inactive’. If thats the reason i may be target then its a lie cuz ive been talking to my whole tribe. Im really nervous mostly because dont wanna let the hosts down for picking me to come back.

My sheer power won us immunity and I will not accept any other description. 86 fucking points yall i was NOT going back to tribal again. Alyssa Matt and I are collabbing on an idol search for the bridge but someone is apparently beating us to it? I'm kinda confused but also don't try to worry about idols that much. I feel like I'm in a good spot in this tribe between my trio and Bodhi, but he is admittedly hard to read lately. Mo is very sweet I'd love for him to stick around and Tobi has kinda dipped a little bit. All in all glad i'm immune for once, final 19 baby!!

Rhys has told me that the target is Mitch tonight. Im still kinda scared that itll be me but Jared also confirmed the Mitch vote. Unless they are both playing me hard (i hope not) then Mitch is suppose to be leaving. Going to try and talk to Bryce, Stephen, and Kori and hopefully its true. Dont want to leave this early.

So me and Jared chatted and thought hey let's make a chat for friends and just use it as such! I honestly would love it but also it's like beneficial for me if it can be an alliance. Three Kings is already nice but we needs some protection and even if it's just Loris and Jared, something is better than nothing!

SOOOO we are going to tribal! Before i get started on that, I want to talk about my relationships. I really like Jared and I tell him pretty much everything. He is my number 1 as of now. Stephen is my number 2, but he also tells me everything. Stephen decides to form an alliance between us 3, not knowing that Jared and I are closer than he is to either one of us. Jared and I made it to the end of the bridge only for someone else to beat us to it. How AGITATING. Me, being the social god that I am, got crucial information from Stephen that Kori wanted to create an alliance with me bryce himself and stephen so I should watch my DMS. Funny thing is, Kori never contacted me ONCE about an alliance; even when I saw him online throughout the day. Turns out, Jared REPLACED me in the alliance and now its a 5 person alliance with everyone except me n maynor (love that for us!!!). This got me thinking, RN maynor is the easy boot because of his activity, but what if we blindside the Kori/Bryce duo. Then I realized I don't have time today to cause chaos in the vote, so I'm gonna just let Maynor bite the bullet and hope we never return to tribal council. If we do, the vote will likely tie 3-3 the first go around and then maybe rocks? It'll be interesting for sure. Stephen and Jared both have been telling me everything in this alliance Kori created, so I am pretty sure they are both more loyal to the alliance with me. I'm kind of hoping we swap soon? I've been building solid relationships with Drew, Michael, Bodhi, Tobi, Mo, and others.

In a miraculous turn of events, I sat out of the challenge and my tribe is still immune! They tried hard to lose though.

Maynor is probably leaving, I'm sad but I haven't told him. If he hasn't been putting in the effort to connect with his tribe enough and they're calling him inactive, I'm not gonna be able to fix that in two hours, and if it gets out that I told him, it's only gonna fuck me up down the road. We're hosting a season really soon anyway that probably would have started casting while this season is going. I'll take a little distance from that to find my footing here.

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https://www.npr.org/2019/09/11/758080813/come-from-away-tiny-desk-concert

Also watch this. Hosts now, everyone else when confs come out

Ok karthik went. This is boring. Hope Kori and Jared are safe. Crazy stuff is probably happening this round but do I care? Maybe. I haven’t decided. As long as I’m safe I’m just here for the social game until merge.

Then it’ll be Big Move Bodhi >:).

I’m immune again tonight yeeehaw. I fully thought I’d fucked it and I got the lowest score on the challenge but also I was sick so I’m gonna blame it on that. This new feeling of being immune in celestial is kinda the best feeling so I’m a happy chloe rn and I love my tribe and I love this cast and I love one world and everything is good and nice

So i'm just. so. relieved. that we didnt have to go to tribal after last one... i think that vote has been the earliest vote i've ever received in an org... all bc of his nasty annoying bitter ass... not over previous beef which is super minor and I SHOULD BE THE ONE WHO'S BITTER OVER IT... but i wasn't and he was and he went from a winner to first boot so he can suck it. i just realized i haven't guessed for idols for the last 3 openings... love being in pst where i'm confused all the time... but anyway i heard from jared that maynor is leaving and he's one of the few people in the cast of whom i have zero connections with so i'm not too pressed about it tbh... even though i've heard he's super sweet but we haven't talked yet... i think... i'm honestly like a little terrified if we go to tribal again because i really don't feel like i have much pull in my tribe even though i've been trying hard socially its just been so flat... idek what more to do bc i already got a vote last tribal and if we go again i have no idea what's gonna happen UGH I HATE THIS!!! im so nervous all the time and i feel like im on the outs so i hope i can survive till swap so i can get something solid going on... this tribe is too straight for me

One hr left and still so nervous. People stopped talking a while ago. Im hoping it stays on Mitch. Ahhhhhhhhhhh. why I’m PAN-icking. Just need to trust the bonds i made with my tribe.

Okay I really think I'm making a comeback! I've kicked my socializing into another level after being so MIA. So far I've done well in the challenges which makes me an asset to the tribe. And I've been trying to talk with EVERYONE. I get a long really well with Zach, Michael, and Chloe on my tribe. And I love Drew but I know he always tries to make a 4 man alliance and he hasn't mentioned one to me so I think I may not be part of his plans, we'll see. On the other tribes I get on well with Matt and Jack and Tobi, I love those boys. I'm hoping to maybe make an alliance with everyone I mentioned, but I have to play it safe for now. Can't come in too hot.

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Maynor is voted out 6-1.