#their story is that of a single mom deciding to raise her brilliant scientist daughter in a fishing town on the gulf coast

[attractthecrows]

i think the main thing that bothers me about fanon families (because i am a picky pedant) is that for the most part, they ignore things like how said families would impact the characters and overall story. like it's one thing to add siblings and other random relations just for flavor, I can't judge there, I do it myself... but you gotta keep in mind how they slot in. who are these people related to? how are they similar? what are the common learned behaviors of the family - because they're there even if said character makes a purposeful break from said family - and how do they manifest? why and where is this person even involved in the story?

like don't get me wrong, this sort of playing around is a lot of fun. but it's fun (to me anyways) because people are so complex and there's so many facets to them, so there's all sorts of ways for their bonds with others to interact and add flavor to the plot.

[morfinwen]

For the ask: Drops of Jupiter, King and Lionheart, If My Heart was a House, and No Light, No Light, if you please. (Have I mentioned lately how much I love your ship names? :D )

Thanks, i’m really happy with how that whole using song names for ships has worked out so far!

drops of jupiter (fitz/simmons)

who’s the werewolf and who’s the hunter

Simmons is the scientist who is absolutely fascinated with recent evidence suggesting the existence of werewolves, and doesn’t quite realize her eagerness to find out the truth can be a bit … alarming. Especially for the Scotsman, living on his own in somewhat remote circumstances, whom she keeps dragging along on her fact-finding mission, who is secretly, constantly worried that some full moon he’s going to lose control and hurt someone.

who’s the mermaid and who’s the fisherman

If Fitz had grown up in a bigger village, then maybe he could have done something with his life instead of just fishing like everyone in his family before him, but then this curious mermaid starts visiting him whenever he’s out fishing on his own, asking him all kinds of questions about everything in the human world. No one believes him about her, of course, but maybe it means being a fisherman isn’t terrible? … No, it’s still terrible, but less terrible.

who’s the witch and who’s the familiar

Fitz is Jemma’s familiar. They constantly bicker with each other, disagreeing over the proper way to use magic to handle a conflict, but no matter how many times he refuses to answer her summons or she bans him (temporarily), they are both willing to die for the other.

who’s the barista and who’s the coffee addict

Simmons falls in love with this adorable little coffee shop that is the perfect distance from work to get a cup before going to work. She always chats up barista Fitz, completely oblivious that he barely talks to anyone except for her, and that he’s rapidly developing a massive crush on her.

who’s the professor and who’s the TA

See, this could go either way – Simmons as the eager student who starts off the relationship by stepping on Fitz’s toes, and she didn’t mean it like that, but seriously how is he a professor when he’s only as old as she is? or Fitz as the student who worked so hard to be good enough to be a TA for the brilliant professor Simmons.

who’s the knight and who’s the prince(ss)

Simmons is proud to be one of the first to be breaking all these expectations about female knights, and Fitz isn’t all that embarrassed at being rescued by a woman, but they both grew up on all those stories about princesses being saved by heroic knights and getting married, and frankly it’s a little awkward to be living out those stories flipped.

who’s the teacher and who’s the single parent

Simmons is the teacher who dotes on the tiny Scottish boy in her class, and wonders exactly how long it’s going to take his dad to realize that half the reasons she asks for all these parent-teacher meetings is to see him.

who’s the writer and who’s the editor

Fitz is the writer who wants so badly to put the stuff in his head into words, but the concepts are so intense it’s hard to put them coherently. Simmons is the editor who loves his work, but if she has to use up another whole pack of red pens editing his next manuscript, she’s sending him the bill.

king and lionheart (peter + neal); all platonic, thank you

who’s the werewolf and who’s the hunter

Neal is the werewolf who doesn’t mean any harm, but every full moon winds up stealing chickens and scaring cows. Peter is the beleaguered hunter who wishes that he could go just one month without having to talk down irate villagers, but never lets anyone lay a hand on Neal.

who’s the mermaid and who’s the fisherman

Peter is the fisherman who doesn’t get why this merman has suddenly decided he must be lonely out there, and is always showing up to talk to him. Not that he wants him to stop, but sometimes quiet is nice, Neal.

who’s the witch and who’s the familiar

It would just be Neal’s luck that he gets the grumpy, law-abiding familiar who refuses to help him perform any sneaking, invisible, thief-friendly magic, and is always lecturing him about using his powers for good. 

who’s the barista and who’s the coffee addict

Neal is a barista at the coffee shop Peter always goes to before work. He does his best to get Peter talking about whatever case he’s working on, and secretly imagines they’re actually partners working on cases together.

who’s the professor and who’s the TA

Peter is the professor. Neal is the TA who offers lots of wonderful professional assistance, and lots of totally unnecessary personal advice. Unnecessary in Peter’s mind, at least. Neal isn’t sure how Peter has managed to stay alive all this time, even with his beautiful, attentive wife.

who’s the knight and who’s the prince(ss)

Neal is the prince who grew up following Sir Peter around all the time, because being a knight is so cool and Sir Peter is the best, and Sir Peter pretends to be annoyed but everyone sees right through it.

who’s the teacher and who’s the single parent

Peter is the teacher who lends a hand to an overwhelmed Neal so often he sometimes wonders if he’s doing more for Neal than for Neal’s kid.

who’s the writer and who’s the editor

Neal is the writer who loves needling his grumpy editor. Peter is the editor who constantly talks about dumping Neal but buys like twenty copies of every book he writes and talks him up to anyone who’ll listen.

if my heart was a house (chuck/sarah)

who’s the werewolf and who’s the hunter

Sarah is the hunter who was raised her whole life to believe werewolves were universally dangerous and need to be wiped out, and really doesn’t appreciate having the foundation of her entire belief system shaken by this sweet, adorkable nerd who also happens to be a werewolf.

who’s the mermaid and who’s the fisherman

Sarah is the mermaid who finds herself inexplicably fascinated by this one lanky fisherman, and follows him whenever he goes out, taking care not to be seen. She’s not quite as good at it as she thinks; Chuck isn’t sure if he actually saw that gorgeous mermaid following him, or if maybe he’s losing his mind, but either way suddenly it doesn’t matter so much that every other career plan fell through.

who’s the witch and who’s the familiar

Chuck is the struggling warlock who feels like he’s ruining … whatever kind of future a familiar could have by having Sarah work with him, but she thinks he’s sweet and deserves so much more respect than anyone’s giving him, and determined to see him become accomplished.

who’s the barista and who’s the coffee addict

Sarah is not a morning person, so she’s always three-quarters out of it when she comes into the coffee shop, but after all these weeks, everyone (the other employees, the friends or coworkers who come in with her sometimes, the other coffee shop regulars) is starting to wonder how she hasn’t noticed that that one barista has a major crush on her.

who’s the professor and who’s the TA

Chuck is the professor who, when not lost in thought about the computer sciences, wonders when and how he got the most beautiful woman on campus to be his TA. Sarah is the TA who can’t believe she went and fell in love with the professor she’s working for, what a cliché, oh lord please don’t let him notice …

who’s the knight and who’s the prince(ss)

Sarah is the knight, who wishes the prince would remember that she’s supposed to be the one rescuing him, because if he ever gets hurt trying to help her she is never going to be able to forgive herself.

who’s the teacher and who’s the single parent

Chuck is the single parent who wonders if it’s fate that he’s fallen head-over-heels for his child’s favorite teacher, or just the lead-up to another disappointment.

who’s the writer and who’s the editor

Sarah is the editor who is totally not spending more time with this one author than any of the others, and Chuck is the writer who is totally not fabricating writer’s block or technical difficulties as an excuse to call her for help more often. 

no light, no light (peeta/katniss)

who’s the werewolf and who’s the hunter

Katniss is the hunter who doesn’t realize that the golden wolf that follows her some nights, never interfering but always watching, and the baker who gives her discounts are one and the same. 

who’s the mermaid and who’s the fisherman

Peeta is the merman who doesn’t care that there aren’t any happy stories about merfolk and humans, he’s going to make friends with the beautiful, lonely fisherwoman he’s fallen in love with, no matter how hard she makes it.

who’s the witch and who’s the familiar

Katniss is the witch who wonders if something’s wrong with her that she ended up with a healing familiar, because in what imaginary world does fire magic heal anything?

who’s the barista and who’s the coffee addict

The obvious answer is Katniss is the addict and Peeta is the barista, but i’m gonna mix it up a little. Peeta runs the bakery across the street, and at first his regular visits to the coffee shop are solely for his caffeine fix, but then he starts bringing over various pastries for Katniss to “test”.

who’s the professor and who’s the TA

Katniss is the professor who does not need her TA to take care of her, thank you … but it is nice that he tries.

who’s the knight and who’s the prince(ss)

I’m gonna mix this up too – Katniss is the princess who feels overwhelmed by all the fancy parties and diplomatic meetings she keeps getting called to, and Peeta is the knight who is somehow always at her side, whispering advice when she needs it.

who’s the teacher and who’s the single parent

Peeta is the teacher who wishes he could do more for the clearly overworked single mom Katniss, whose world is so wrapped up in her daughter she can’t see him clearly.

who’s the writer and who’s the editor

Katniss is the editor who wonders why Peeta keeps asking for her when he doesn’t really seem to need one.

…. wow, that was way easier to answer than anticipated. I’m still amazed.

Thanks for asking!

[veronica-rich]

POTC5 thoughts, spoilers

GIANT MASSIVE MOVIE-RUINING SPOILERS AHEAD FOR DEAD MEN TELL NO TALES.

I've only seen the movie once, but I wanted to put a night of sleep between me and it before I tried to convey my thoughts on it. I see my job as a fan here to tell you generally what happens and my thoughts on it, as well as whether you should spend your time going to see it. All only opinions of course. (I'll refer to the movies in numerals - 1 for the first, 5 for this, and then of course the in-betweens. Mainly because I don't want to try to remember the abbreviations OST and DMTNT. See how annoying? LOL)

Here we go ...

Except for where the regulars have ended up and the state of the Black Pearl in movie 5, you really don't need to have seen 4 to understand this one. You don't strictly HAVE to have seen the first three movies, either - this movie can stand on its own as an entertaining single viewing. If you've never seen a POTC movie and you come in with this one, you will probably laugh at most of the jokes (if you have that kind of sense of humor) and like some of the characters.

Since I doubt anyone who hasn't seen at least the first movie is going to read through this, I'll assume you all are familiar with the original characters from 1-3 as I go forth.

THE SPOILERS The movie opens with young Henry Turner tying rocks to his foot to drown himself in the bay just off the land where he lives; he's anywhere from 11-14 years old. His father is Death's Ferryman of the ocean, you see, so the fastest way to raise Will Turner is to get himself killed or nearly killed. He lands on the deck of the Dutchman, it surfaces, and Will emerges to talk with his son. Henry tells him he may have found a way to break the curse that ties Will to the ship, but he needs to find Jack Sparrow to help. Will commands him to not go anywhere near Jack and to go back home and leave him to his fate. Will is barnacled in Davy Jones-lite fashion; just enough to see the sea is winning against his resolve not to succumb to the hopelessness of the job. Unlike Davy Jones, he is not bitter or angry, but resigned and almost tired. We also get a hint that he is not exactly in command of his crew anymore, by how quickly he ushers Henry away and sinks the Dutchman to put distance between them and the boy. (This may also explain why you don't see Will again until the end of the movie, despite all the water-based shenanigans and near-death experiences throughout ... like he's not really in charge of the Dutchman anymore.)

Nine years later, Henry, now anywhere from 20-23 ish, is a low-ranking sailor on a Navy ship. We find out he's searching for Jack and the Pearl. He sees the ship is headed for the cursed Devil's Triangle and tries to warn the captain, telling the man he's read all the lore of the sea and this place is Bad News. The captain not only scolds and mocks him, but strips him of his lowly rank as a traitor and jails him. Of course the ship goes in; of course the cursed Captain Salazar and his undead crew overrun the ship and kill everyone on board - save Henry, whom Salazar tells to relay a message to Jack when he finds him. (We'll find out later Salazar used to be a pirate-hunter and perished in a fire in the Devil's Triangle while chasing newly-captained Jack Sparrow, while Jack escaped. So, he's hunting Jack. Trouble is, he can't leave the Triangle unless something happens - which it will, later.)

Through a series of events, Henry ends up at the same Caribbean English outpost as Jack and a young woman roughly Henry's age, Caryna Smith (Smyth?). Caryna keeps landing in Navy custody and escaping it - she's a scientist, and female in the 18th century, which is enough to get her convicted as a witch. Caryna is an orphan who is amazingly well-educated for having no resources other than a mysterious diary left to her by her father, a man of science who was searching for the Trident of Poseiden - which can break any curse laid at sea. The island shenanigans are pretty entertaining; suffice to say they all end up stealing the same ship with Gibbs, Marty, and the rest of Jack's paltry, pissed-off (at Jack) crew. Also, Jack trades his magic compass away for a bottle of rum (more on this later) and, in willingly giving it up, breaks Salazar's imprisonment miles away, allowing him to sail out on the open waters in his ship-eating ship (you read that right).

More shenanigans happen, McGuffins are pursued (chiefly the Trident, which everybody wants for different reasons), innuendos are made, young romance is set up (of course), we run into Barbossa and his crew, which includes Murtogg and Mullroy (but no Pintel and Ragetti!), Salazar's in the mix, and we find out his crew can't set foot on land any more than the Dutchman's crew or captain (they vanish in a puff of black smoke if they get out of the water). Shenanigans, shenanigans, it turns out Caryna is totally NOT the daughter of Jack Sparrow as most of us suspected (mainly because making Jack and Will co-parents-in-law would have been too delicious) - but the reality is possibly more entertaining, since it turns out Barbossa is her father.

(I really did want the after-credits scene to be Will and Elizabeth finding out their daughter-in-law-probably-to-be is a Barbossa, then the camera pans back to a general shot of the island, a la "Home Alone 2" while in the far distance you can still hear the two of them screaming "NOOOOOOOOOO!" with birds flying off in every direction.)

So - they find the Trident, break the curse on Salazar's ship (and we'll find out later, on Will Turner, too, elsewhere in the ocean) turning them all back human, and the good guys manage to escape back to the Pearl while Salazar falls to his death. Well ... not actually. Caryna briefly finds out that Barbossa is her father, after which he sacrifices himself to drown with Salazar to ensure her ability to escape his clutches unharmed. Once they're all safe, Caryna decides to change her last name to Barbossa from Smith. Cut to the cliffs outside Henry's childhood home, where he and Caryna are engaging in their form of verbal foreplay and smooching, when the Dutchman shows up in the distance, uncursed and gleaming brown and beige sails. Will climbs the hill to hug his son, confused as to how he's come to be uncursed and human again ... but just as Henry's going to take old man to the pub for a grog and a tale, Elizabeth appears in the distance hiking her skirts. She and Will run to each other and embrace, then kiss, while Henry and Caryna look on from a distance ... and from an even further distance on the Pearl, Jack watches through his spyglass, revolted by the whole picture of domesticity porn. And then he and his crew sail off.

The after-credits scene is Will and Elizabeth sleeping in their seaside bedroom - they are both dressed in clean white linen sleep-gowns, and they've had baths, and all I could think was This is the cleanest I've ever seen these two. Something menacing is coming up the steps and creaking open their door and looming toward the bed, and we catch a glimpse of some barnacled sea creature reaching for them when Will jerks awake from his bad dream. He looks around, turns over, hugs Elizabeth, and goes back to sleep ... and the camera pans down to the floor to close on a puddle of water and corals snapped off in it.

WHAT I WAS 'MEH' ABOUT OR DISLIKED: For me, it's easier to start with what I don't care for about a movie, if I'm ambivalent. And I sure was about 5.

Plot holes - SO many. I won't list them all, but there is not adequate explanation for many things. Of course, 1-3 also had fantastical elements, but they were explained and largely made sense in-universe. People do things that don't always make sense; magical objects aren't always explained. There's a lot of suspending of disbelief you have to do for this one.

Characterization - The nuance of the first three movies is lacking in a lot of characters here. Everyone who's Navy is efficient, duty-driven, and arrogant or head-down-following-orders. There's no Norrington-type in this movie (BTW, Norrington is not mentioned - which I think will actually make a lot of his fans happy, especially after movies 2 and 3). Nobody in authority seems to be a benevolent person - they're not all Trump, but neither are there any Bernies. The pirates are kind of dumb, more than they need to be. Which brings us to ...

Jack Sparrow - Oh, man. I gotta limit myself on this one. I don't know if Depp had much input into Jack's characterization in this one, but if he did, it honestly looks like his IRL troubles were leaking in to the point of almost drowning the character. In movies 1-3 Jack is a buffoon only insofar as it serves his purpose to make people think he's not as smart as he really is, so he can sneak under the radar with his cleverness and charm a lot of people he needs to do things for him. Conversely, if you only saw this movie and not the earlier ones, you would think Jack is a fall-down dissolute drunk and whoremonger who isn't very bright and whose fortunes come almost entirely on luck and other people's allowances for him. There are only a handful of flashes of the old brilliance and character, and I really miss That Guy. Whereas young Will Turner was trying to second-guess what Jack was really up to in 1, young Henry Turner seems most of the time like he's Jack's guardian trying to keep him propped upright and marching forward like you would that uncle you always heard used to be ripping brilliant but now is "ehhhh."

The lack of callbacks - I wanted more callbacks in this movie. I wanted Henry to talk more about his mom and dad and stories he'd grown up hearing, and what his mom was doing, and some line from Barbossa or Gibbs about something they remembered of his parents, bad or good. There are a couple of little moments, but it's not enough. Which brings me to ...

The retconning - I won't wade too deep into this, except to say it's very clear these are different screenwriters than worked on the first three movies. I won't say Jack's entire backstory is retconned, but you have to be a somewhat skillful fanfic writer to take what they give us and work it in with what we've learned in movies 2 and 3, particularly. Also, I'm not wild about what they did to Will Turner's personality as captain of the Dutchman, but we can discuss that later - at least it *might* have a basis in logical explanation.

Green-screening - I shouldn't say this was "bad" so much as there were moments it was too obvious some actor was hanging from something or standing on something to look like they were hanging on something, and the camera was too close and it just looked a little fake-y. Still, I understand FX isn't an easy thing (and where were a lot of FX shots that were really good in this one, so maybe this isn't a "MEH" so much as "A FEW SHOTS THAT COULD HAVE BEEN EXECUTED BETTER").

Too little Will and Elizabeth - There should have been more of both in the movie. If you're going to pay your actors as much as they likely got (as much as I HOPE they were paid to be in it), use them. I'm just saying. I wanted some more of them.

THINGS I LIKED: Henry and Caryna - As separate characters, that is. I have nothing against their romance; they're cute, and their style of banter is something I could see them keeping up into old age. But I prefer a character to stand on their own, and they're all right. The actor who plays Henry is not quite the treasure young Tom "Spider-Man" Holland is turning out to be, but he's got talent and he does a pretty good job of getting across an amalgamation of the personalities of Will Turner and Elizabeth Swann. My favorite thing about Henry is that he seems to be only an OK swordsman; he's not his father - but what he lacks there he makes up for in what seems to be a preternatural affinity for hand-to-hand combat. He hits, he kicks, he kneels to trip people over him, he even grabs a couple and bodyslams them like The Undertaker. (I am sincerely hoping Elizabeth taught him these moves.) And Caryna - she's not like Elizabeth. She doesn't fight or confront the same way, but she's direct and unafraid, and good at getting herself out of jail and other tight spots. Plus, she's book-smart and scientifically literate. I swear to Christ if their kid inherit both their traits, they're going to be either Sherlock Holmes or Lara Croft.

Will Turner - Shut up. Of course I like him. I'm not entirely wild what the writers did with him or the fact he's in this so little, but I enjoy the fact he's middle-aged and looks like it with facial lines and sadness in his eyes at the right time (and some humor), and it was nice to see him and Elizabeth happy again. Of course, I can still pair him just as easily with Jack in fanfic, which brings us to ...

Jack/Will potential - Yes, it's still there. If you're an industrious fanfic writer or reader, you can make it happen. They're both older and a little more defeated, and Will definitely wouldn't be putting up with any of Jack's bullshit at this point, but you can slash them. What I really liked is how Jack didn't really show any favoritism or fondness for Henry 94 percent of the time, but there were 3-4 instances he did something to save the kid, because why not. He does ask after Elizabeth at one point and if she said his name in her sleep (LOL), and Henry is "no ... no." (I saw someone online comment that this is patently untrue, since how else would Henry know about Jack in the first place, and that the more likely explanation is that Elizabeth probably shit-talked Jack through most of the kid's childhood, sprinkled with some fond allowances for the fact Jack wasn't always a selfish prick or one or both of Henry's parents would be dead, okay?) Granted, I think most of the slash at this point in their lives would be less about Jack and Will having sex everywhere and more about Will overlooking the fact Jack cheats at cards and drawing a sword on anyone who tries to shoot him for it at the pub. But, you know. You can have the nookie too. (And yeah, there's OT3 fic to be had too, probably in Elizabeth being the one every so often who pulls the gun on Jack and Will lets her. Or she bodyslams Jack.)

ANYWAY ... I won't say it's a bad movie and I won't say it's a really good movie. It's entertaining. Had this been the first POTC movie, I don't believe there would be any sequels. There are things I could've done better if they'd hired me to write it, easily; there are things a lot of us in the old fandom could've done better if they'd only hired US instead. But it has enough holes in it that if you like the fanfic thing, you can spend lots of time patching up missing scenes and what-not.