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mostlysignssomeportents · 10 months

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The (open) web is good, actually

I'll be at the Studio City branch of the LA Public Library tonight (Monday, November 13) at 1830hPT to launch my new novel, The Lost Cause. There'll be a reading, a talk, a surprise guest (!!) and a signing, with books on sale. Tell your friends! Come on down!

The great irony of the platformization of the internet is that platforms are intermediaries, and the original promise of the internet that got so many of us excited about it was disintermediation – getting rid of the middlemen that act as gatekeepers between community members, creators and audiences, buyers and sellers, etc.

The platformized internet is ripe for rent seeking: where the platform captures an ever-larger share of the value generated by its users, making the service worst for both, while lock-in stops people from looking elsewhere. Every sector of the modern economy is less competitive, thanks to monopolistic tactics like mergers and acquisitions and predatory pricing. But with tech, the options for making things worse are infinitely divisible, thanks to the flexibility of digital systems, which means that product managers can keep subdividing the Jenga blocks they pulling out of the services we rely on. Combine platforms with monopolies with digital flexibility and you get enshittification:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/01/21/potemkin-ai/#hey-guys

An enshittified, platformized internet is bad for lots of reasons – it concentrates decisions about who may speak and what may be said into just a few hands; it creates a rich-get-richer dynamic that creates a new oligarchy, with all the corruption and instability that comes with elite capture; it makes life materially worse for workers, users, and communities.

But there are many other ways in which the enshitternet is worse than the old good internet. Today, I want to talk about how the enshitternet affects openness and all that entails. An open internet is one whose workings are transparent (think of "open source"), but it's also an internet founded on access – the ability to know what has gone before, to recall what has been said, and to revisit the context in which it was said.

At last week's Museum Computer Network conference, Aaron Straup Cope gave a talk on museums and technology called "Wishful Thinking – A critical discussion of 'extended reality' technologies in the cultural heritage sector" that beautifully addressed these questions of recall and revisiting:

https://www.aaronland.info/weblog/2023/11/11/therapy/#wishful

Cope is a museums technologist who's worked on lots of critical digital projects over the years, and in this talk, he addresses himself to the difference between the excitement of the galleries, libraries, archives and museums (GLAM) sector over the possibilities of the web, and why he doesn't feel the same excitement over the metaverse, and its various guises – XR, VR, MR and AR.

The biggest reason to be excited about the web was – and is – the openness of disintermediation. The internet was inspired by the end-to-end principle, the idea that the network's first duty was to transmit data from willing senders to willing receivers, as efficiently and reliably as possible. That principle made it possible for whole swathes of people to connect with one another. As Cope writes, openness "was not, and has never been, a guarantee of a receptive audience or even any audience at all." But because it was "easy and cheap enough to put something on the web," you could "leave it there long enough for others to find it."

That dynamic nurtured an environment where people could have "time to warm up to ideas." This is in sharp contrast to the social media world, where "[anything] not immediately successful or viral … was a waste of time and effort… not worth doing." The social media bias towards a river of content that can't be easily reversed is one in which the only ideas that get to spread are those the algorithm boosts.

This is an important way to understand the role of algorithms in the context of the spread of ideas – that without recall or revisiting, we just don't see stuff, including stuff that might challenge our thinking and change our minds. This is a much more materialistic and grounded way to talk about algorithms and ideas than the idea that Big Data and AI make algorithms so persuasive that they can control our minds:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/11/06/attention-rents/#consumer-welfare-queens

As bad as this is in the social media context, it's even worse in the context of apps, which can't be linked into, bookmarked, or archived. All of this made apps an ominous sign right from the beginning:

https://memex.craphound.com/2010/04/01/why-i-wont-buy-an-ipad-and-think-you-shouldnt-either/

Apps interact with law in precisely the way that web-pages don't. "An app is just a web-page wrapped in enough IP to make it a crime to defend yourself against corporate predation":

https://pluralistic.net/2023/08/27/an-audacious-plan-to-halt-the-internets-enshittification-and-throw-it-into-reverse/

Apps are "closed" in every sense. You can't see what's on an app without installing the app and "agreeing" to its terms of service. You can't reverse-engineer an app (to add a privacy blocker, or to change how it presents information) without risking criminal and civil liability. You can't bookmark anything the app won't let you bookmark, and you can't preserve anything the app won't let you preserve.

Despite being built on the same underlying open frameworks – HTTP, HTML, etc – as the web, apps have the opposite technological viewpoint to the web. Apps' technopolitics are at war with the web's technopolitics. The web is built around recall – the ability to see things, go back to things, save things. The web has the technopolitics of a museum:

https://www.aaronland.info/weblog/2014/09/11/brand/#dconstruct

By comparison, apps have the politics of a product, and most often, that product is a rent-seeking, lock-in-hunting product that wants to take you hostage by holding something you love hostage – your data, perhaps, or your friends:

https://www.eff.org/deeplinks/2021/08/facebooks-secret-war-switching-costs

When Anil Dash described "The Web We Lost" in 2012, he was describing a web with the technopolitics of a museum:

where tagging was combined with permissive licenses to make it easy for people to find and reuse each others' stuff;

where it was easy to find out who linked to you in realtime even though most of us were posting to our own sites, which they controlled;

where a link from one site to another meant one person found another person's contribution worthy;

where privacy-invasive bids to capture the web were greeted with outright hostility;

where every service that helped you post things that mattered to you was expected to make it easy for you take that data back if you changed services;

where inlining or referencing material from someone else's site meant following a technical standard, not inking a business-development deal;

https://www.anildash.com/2012/12/13/the_web_we_lost/

Ten years later, Dash's "broken tech/content culture cycle" described the web we live on now:

https://www.anildash.com/2022/02/09/the-stupid-tech-content-culture-cycle/

found your platform by promising to facilitate your users' growth;

order your technologists and designers to prioritize growth above all other factors and fire anyone who doesn't deliver;

grow without regard to the norms of your platform's users;

plaster over the growth-driven influx of abusive and vile material by assigning it to your "most marginalized, least resourced team";

deliver a half-assed moderation scheme that drives good users off the service and leaves no one behind but griefers, edgelords and trolls;

steadfastly refuse to contemplate why the marginalized users who made your platform attractive before being chased away have all left;

flail about in a panic over illegal content, do deals with large media brands, seize control over your most popular users' output;

"surface great content" by algorithmically promoting things that look like whatever's successful, guaranteeing that nothing new will take hold;

overpay your top performers for exclusivity deals, utterly neglect any pipeline for nurturing new performers;

abuse your creators the same ways that big media companies have for decades, but insist that it's different because you're a tech company;

ignore workers who warn that your product is a danger to society, dismiss them as "millennials" (defined as "anyone born after 1970 or who has a student loan")

when your platform is (inevitably) implicated in a murder, have a "town hall" overseen by a crisis communications firm;

pay the creator who inspired the murder to go exclusive on your platform;

dismiss the murder and fascist rhetoric as "growing pains";

when truly ghastly stuff happens on your platform, give your Trust and Safety team a 5% budget increase;

chase growth based on "emotionally engaging content" without specifying whether the emotions should be positive;

respond to ex-employees' call-outs with transient feelings of guilt followed by dismissals of "cancel culture":

fund your platforms' most toxic users and call it "free speech";

whenever anyone disagrees with any of your decisions, dismiss them as being "anti-free speech";

start increasing how much your platform takes out of your creators' paychecks;

force out internal dissenters, dismiss external critics as being in conspiracy with your corporate rivals;

once regulation becomes inevitable, form a cartel with the other large firms in your sector and insist that the problem is a "bad algorithm";

"claim full victim status," and quit your job, complaining about the toll that running a big platform took on your mental wellbeing.

https://pluralistic.net/2022/02/18/broken-records/#dashes

The web wasn't inevitable – indeed, it was wildly improbable. Tim Berners Lee's decision to make a new platform that was patent-free, open and transparent was a complete opposite approach to the strategy of the media companies of the day. They were building walled gardens and silos – the dialup equivalent to apps – organized as "branded communities." The way I experienced it, the web succeeded because it was so antithetical to the dominant vision for the future of the internet that the big companies couldn't even be bothered to try to kill it until it was too late.

Companies have been trying to correct that mistake ever since. After three or four attempts to replace the web with various garbage systems all called "MSN," Microsoft moved on to trying to lock the internet inside a proprietary browser. Years later, Facebook had far more success in an attempt to kill HTML with React. And of course, apps have gobbled up so much of the old, good internet.

Which brings us to Cope's views on museums and the metaverse. There's nothing intrinsically proprietary about virtual worlds and all their permutations. VRML is a quarter of a century old – just five years younger than Snow Crash:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/VRML

But the current enthusiasm for virtual worlds isn't merely a function of the interesting, cool and fun experiences you can have in them. Rather, it's a bid to kill off whatever is left of the old, good web and put everything inside a walled garden. Facebook's metaverse "is more of the same but with a technical footprint so expensive and so demanding that it all but ensures it will only be within the means of a very few companies to operate."

Facebook's VR headsets have forward-facing cameras, turning every users into a walking surveillance camera. Facebook put those cameras there for "pass through" – so they can paint the screens inside the headset with the scene around you – but "who here believes that Facebook doesn't have other motives for enabling an always-on camera capturing the world around you?"

Apple's VisionPro VR headset is "a near-perfect surveillance device," and "the only thing to save this device is the trust that Apple has marketed its brand on over the last few years." Cope notes that "a brand promise is about as fleeting a guarantee as you can get." I'll go further: Apple is already a surveillance company:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/11/14/luxury-surveillance/#liar-liar

The technopolitics of the metaverse are the opposite of the technopolitics of the museum – even moreso than apps. Museums that shift their scarce technology budgets to virtual worlds stand a good chance of making something no one wants to use, and that's the best case scenario. The worst case is that museums make a successful project inside a walled garden, one where recall is subject to corporate whim, and help lure their patrons away from the recall-friendly internet to the captured, intermediated metaverse.

It's true that the early web benefited from a lot of hype, just as the metaverse is enjoying today. But the similarity ends there: the metaverse is designed for enclosure, the web for openness. Recall is a historical force for "the right to assembly… access to basic literacy… a public library." The web was "an unexpected gift with the ability to change the order of things; a gift that merits being protected, preserved and promoted both internally and externally." Museums were right to jump on the web bandwagon, because of its technopolitics. The metaverse, with its very different technopolitics, is hostile to the very idea of museums.

In joining forces with metaverse companies, museums strike a Faustian bargain, "because we believe that these places are where our audiences have gone."

The GLAM sector is devoted to access, to recall, and to revisiting. Unlike the self-style free speech warriors whom Dash calls out for self-serving neglect of their communities, the GLAM sector is about preservation and access, the true heart of free expression. When a handful of giant companies organize all our discourse, the ability to be heard is contingent on pleasing the ever-shifting tastes of the algorithm. This is the problem with the idea that "freedom of speech isn't freedom of reach" – if a platform won't let people who want to hear from you see what you have to say, they are indeed compromising freedom of speech:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/12/10/e2e/#the-censors-pen

Likewise, "censorship" is not limited to "things that governments do." As Ada Palmer so wonderfully describes it in her brilliant "Why We Censor: from the Inquisition to the Internet" speech, censorship is like arsenic, with trace elements of it all around us:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uMMJb3AxA0s

A community's decision to ban certain offensive conduct or words on pain of expulsion or sanction is censorship – but not to the same degree that, say, a government ban on expressing certain points of view is. However, there are many kinds of private censorship that rise to the same level as state censorship in their impact on public discourse (think of Moms For Liberty and their book-bannings).

It's not a coincidence that Palmer – a historian – would have views on censorship and free speech that intersect with Cope, a museum worker. One of the most brilliant moments in Palmer's speech is where she describes how censorship under the Inquistion was not state censorship – the Inquisition was a multinational, nongovernmental body that was often in conflict with state power.

Not all intermediaries are bad for speech or access. The "disintermediation" that excited early web boosters was about escaping from otherwise inescapable middlemen – the people who figured out how to control and charge for the things we did with one another.

When I was a kid, I loved the writing of Crad Kilodney, a short story writer who sold his own self-published books on Toronto street-corners while wearing a sign that said "VERY FAMOUS CANADIAN AUTHOR, BUY MY BOOKS" (he also had a sign that read, simply, "MARGARET ATWOOD"). Kilodney was a force of nature, who wrote, edited, typeset, printed, bound, and sold his own books:

https://www.theglobeandmail.com/arts/books/article-late-street-poet-and-publishing-scourge-crad-kilodney-left-behind-a/

But there are plenty of writers out there that I want to hear from who lack the skill or the will to do all of that. Editors, publishers, distributors, booksellers – all the intermediaries who sit between a writer and their readers – are not bad. They're good, actually. The problem isn't intermediation – it's capture.

For generations, hucksters have conned would-be writers by telling them that publishing won't buy their books because "the gatekeepers" lack the discernment to publish "quality" work. Friends of mine in publishing laughed at the idea that they would deliberately sideline a book they could figure out how to sell – that's just not how it worked.

But today, monopolized film studios are literally annihilating beloved, high-priced, commercially viable works because they are worth slightly more as tax writeoffs than they are as movies:

https://deadline.com/2023/11/coyote-vs-acme-shelved-warner-bros-discovery-writeoff-david-zaslav-1235598676/

There's four giant studios and five giant publishers. Maybe "five" is the magic number and publishing isn't concentrated enough to drop whole novels down the memory hole for a tax deduction, but even so, publishing is trying like hell to shrink to four:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/11/07/random-penguins/#if-you-wanted-to-get-there-i-wouldnt-start-from-here

Even as the entertainment sector is working to both literally and figuratively destroy our libraries, the cultural heritage sector is grappling with preserving these libraries, with shrinking budgets and increased legal threats:

https://blog.archive.org/2023/03/25/the-fight-continues/

I keep meeting artists of all description who have been conditioned to be suspicious of anything with the word "open" in its name. One colleague has repeatedly told me that fighting for the "open internet" is a self-defeating rhetorical move that will scare off artists who hear "open" and think "Big Tech ripoff."

But "openness" is a necessary precondition for preservation and access, which are the necessary preconditions for recall and revisiting. Here on the last, melting fragment of the open internet, as tech- and entertainment-barons are seizing control over our attention and charging rent on our ability to talk and think together, openness is our best hope of a new, good internet. T

he cultural heritage sector wants to save our creative works. The entertainment and tech industry want to delete them and take a tax writeoff.

As a working artist, I know which side I'm on.

If you'd like an essay-formatted version of this post to read or share, here's a link to it on pluralistic.net, my surveillance-free, ad-free, tracker-free blog:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/11/13/this-is-for-everyone/#revisiting

Image: Diego Delso (modified) https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Museo_Mimara,_Zagreb,_Croacia,_2014-04-20,_DD_01.JPG

CC BY-SA 4.0 https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/

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anhed-nia · 2 years

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BLOGTOBER 10/5/2022: THE ISLAND OF LOST SOULS (1932)

Rewatching this movie had me looking up the history of mules. I guess we've been making them since before 1,000 BC, out of usually a female horse and a male donkey. (This is apparently easier than the other way around for some reason that I'm too lazy to sort out) We like them because, as George Washington put it, "more docile than donkeys and cheap to maintain"—that is, it's easier for them to get and keep a job. You may have guessed already that I'm siphoning all this off of Wikipedia, so I'll add without further worry of sounding especially educated that Charles Darwin wrote: "The mule always appears to me a most surprising animal. That a hybrid should possess more reason, memory, obstinacy, social affection, powers of muscular endurance, and length of life, than either of its parents, seems to indicate that art has here outdone nature". The thing about the mule, though, as with many interspecies hybrids, is that you usually have to make them from scratch because of an imbalance of partnerable chromosomes. Not much has changed in this regard since the time of Darwin, but we still consider the mule to be worth the effort.

Why the hell was I talking about this? …Oh, it was because of the difference between H.G. Wells' 1896 novel The Isle of Doctor Moreau, and its most successful adaptation, Erle Kenton's ISLAND OF LOST SOULS. Despite the 1932 film being pre-code, it is inevitably less aggressive about torture than its literary predecessor, which was in part inspired by the contemporary anti-vivisection movement of the latter 1800s. There is only so much Kenton (a former animal exhibitor, whatever that's worth to you!) could show, or maybe that he was willing to describe, in terms of what happens in rogue vivisectionist Dr. Moreau's dreadful "House of Pain". The book is focused on Moreau's idea that being motivated by pain is a primitive characteristic, and that his homemade humans can be perfected through exposure therapy. He laments the inevitable return of the bestial characteristics in his test subjects, but believes that his necessarily agonizing creation process will ultimately bring the results he craves: "Each time I dip a living creature into the burning bath of pain, I say, this time I will burn out all the animal, this time I will make a rational creature of my own."

As a refresher, the exiled Moreau (played in the film by Charles Laughton, who of course is EVERYTHING in this movie) is trying to make a his own humans from the raw material of various living animals. Protagonist Edward Parker (Richard Arlen) is appalled by this discovery when misadventure delivers him to the titular island, but he is still slow to pick up on the fact that the alluring Lota (Kathleen Burke, who also joined co-writer Philip Wylie on MURDERS IN THE ZOO) may be a product of Moreau's process, despite the doctor's suspiciously aggressive attempts to hook them up. With his fiancee Ruth (Leila Hyams) still over the sea, Edward is happy to sample the wares until he discovers Lota's feline claws. It seems that he was able to preserve his naivete because of Moreau's promise that Lota is "pure Polynesian", which to him justifies the fact that she has little more intelligence than a house cat; I'm sure there is abundant scholarship on themes of racism and miscegenation in ISLAND, but since I'm not in the know, I'll just leave that there for someone else to pick up. What Moreau seems mostly concerned about is the fertility of his creations (specifically, whether they can produce new humans), and when it becomes clear that Edward isn't going to consummate with his catwoman, the doctor is disappointed—until Ruth arrives to rescue her man, attracting the attention of lonely Beast Men. For better or worse, we don't get to find out whether that would make for a fruitful union, because of the inevitable uprising of the creatures (led by Bela Lugosi) against their monstrous creator.

ISLAND OF LOST SOULS remains effectively disturbing after almost a century, but it's interesting to observe how it was censored. Themes of rape and forced parenthood were either a little too subtle to punish, or just not perceived as that big of a deal in the face of actual blasphemy. Sure, the vivisection element was problematic, but what really bothered censors was Moreau playing God. The British Board of Film Censors found the idea of humans controlling evolution "repulsive" and "unnatural", and in America the Production Code Administration insisted on the removal of any implication that Moreau had created the Beast Men himself. The film was also banned in multiple states just for its frank acceptance of the theory of evolution.

It's interesting how graphic sadism and sleaze can be upstaged so dramatically by ideological problems—although today we see a similar moral outrage on the part of audiences who demonstrate an increasing fervor for purely aspirational content. One hopes that people who condemn the ethical content of movies are paying equal attention to the new resurgence of book banning by authorities with whom young progressives would surely not wish to be identified. To my mind, it's perfectly natural to be offended by media, but the experience should be taken as more of an opportunity to explore your own feelings and context, than as grounds for wholesale rejection of the work in question.

Meanwhile, if you find yourself a little disappointed by the generically hairy dog- or ape-like appearance of the filmic Beast Men, versus their many and varied appearances in the novel, check this shit out!

#blogtober #blogtober 2022 #horror #sci-fi #science fiction #the isle of doctor moreau #the island of lost souls #monsters #adaptation #charles laughton #richard arlen #leila hyams #kathleen burke #bela lugosi #philip wylie #waldemar young

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an-svu-sideblog · 3 years

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Women of SVU Week - Day 1

Priorities

Characters: Kat Tamin, her girlfriend, Fin Tutola, brief Olivia Benson

Warnings: language, almost smut but not quite

Dua Lipa blasted from the phone lying on the bathroom counter amongst scattered makeup brushes, eye shadow palettes and fake lashes. The bass sounded thinner than it should through the small speaker.

Kat leaned forward toward the mirror, her mouth forming a small “o” as applied her eyeliner, tapering it to a perfect wing. “Is Kristina bringing her new girlfriend?” she called.

“What?” a voice called back from the adjacent bedroom.

Kat finished her makeup and strode into the bedroom, leaving her phone near the sink. “I asked if Kristina was bringing her new girlfriend.” She approached the bed where her girlfriend was perched on the edge, currently pulling sheer tights up her calves. Kat reached into her purse and began shuffling around for her earrings.

“Which new girlfriend?” Jo asked derisively.

Kat paused, wrist deep in her purse. “Wait, another one? Isn’t she dating that nurse from Queens? The one she brought to the Halloween party?”

“Turns out the nurse was fucking an EMT so that didn’t end well. Now she’s dating a girl she met at that bar uptown. You would’ve met her at the New Years party if you had been there.” Jo’s statement had little vitriol in it, but it stung nonetheless. The frequency at which Kat was suddenly called into work was often a source of contention in their relationship.

Kat tried to ignore it. “Okay, what does this girlfriend do? She’s not another bad tattoo artist is she?” she asked, half-joking. “Kristina doesn’t need another Chinese character that says ‘water buffalo’ on her ankle.”

Jo laughed snidely. “No, this one is an Instagram influencer. Don’t let her start trying to sell you her miracle juice cleanse mixes. Kristina says her intestines haven’t been the same since.”

“Noted.” Kat replied with a wince. “I’m just glad she has someone. She’s so busy all the time; it’s good that she can make time for a girlfriend.”

Jo didn’t reply.

Earrings in place, Kat gave her tight dress one last adjustment and turned to face her girlfriend. She threw her hands out to the side, asking for Jo’s opinion. Jo smiled and lifted herself off the bed to close the distance between them. Kat, already in her heels, gazed down at her girlfriend, her hair hanging down to frame both their faces.

As they met, Jo ran her hands across the smooth fabric that was hugging Kat’s hips and pulled her body even closer.

“You look so good,” Jo said, her voice low. “You’ve been so busy lately. I’m glad I finally have you to myself for a night.”

“I’m all yours,” Kat matched her tone and leaned in for a kiss. Their hands roved over each others bodies as the kiss deepened. They pulled each other close; any space between them was too much.

Jo started pulling Kat toward the bed, craning her neck to ensure their lips never parted. “We’re going to be late,” Kat murmured into the kiss.

“So?” Jo retorted with a smirk. Their knees met the mattress, and Jo pushed Kat down to sit on the edge of the bed. She straddled Kat’s lap, her dress riding dangerously high around her thighs. Kat’s hands slid slowly up her girlfriend’s legs and hips, tracing the folds and seams of the dress now bunched around her waist.

Jo gently gyrated her hips to the still-blaring pop music from the other room. Kat moaned slightly into their kiss.

“You’re fucking kidding,” Jo said with a sharp sigh. The music had suddenly been interrupted and replaced by a harsh vibrating sound against the porcelain counter.

Kat paused, her eyes still closed as if she could ignore the ringing phone. The woman sitting on her lap was more determined to ignore the unwelcome distraction. Jo kissed her harder. Kat allowed herself to succumb for a moment before her rational brain won out.

“I have to get that,” she said ruefully.

Jo groaned and leaned back to give Kat a disappointed look. “You said you had off tonight.”

“I did have off, but if we catch a case I have to go.” Kat lightly patted her girlfriends thigh, a gentle request for her to vacate Kat’s lap. “C’mon, I have to see who it is.” Jo didn’t move. “Jo,” Kat added with a stern look.

She let up, and Kat rushed to her phone, her heels clicking on the tiled bathroom floor. It was, of course, her Sergeant. When she returned to the bedroom, her face said everything that Jo needed to know.

“I’m sorry,” Kat insisted, grabbing her bag off the bed. “I’ll make it up to you I promise.”

Kat was rushing too fast to see the utter defeat on her girlfriend’s face. Jo didn’t say anything as she watched her girlfriend disappear from the apartment.

***

The fluorescent lights of the precinct were a harsh contrast to the darkening sky outside. The squad room was mostly empty as she arrived. Only Fin and Benson had arrived so far, and Benson was busy in her office preparing to brief her squad.

Fin looked practically scrubby in his jeans and button-up compared to Kat’s elegant and very low-cut dress. She hadn’t had time to go home and change, and he didn’t waste the opportunity to comment.

“Which club is missing you tonight?” Fin asked with a sly smile on his face.

“None you’ve heard of,” she retorted.

Fin winced dramatically, “I’m not that old!”

Kat smirked. “When’s the last time you stayed out past 11pm?” His wounded silence was answer enough. She moved past him, still smirking at his defeat. “I have clothes in my locker; I’ll change before we start.”

Kat returned from the locker room, looking much more professional. She shed her party clothes and adopted her usual steely attitude, now ready for the job. The only tell that her night out had been abruptly interrupted was the heavy makeup that still adorned her brown eyes.

Benson briefed them on the situation. A brutal rape/homicide had culminated in the victim stumbling, bleeding, into a corner store. After being rushed to the hospital, she died in surgery. The victim was left with no wallet, no ID. There were no solid suspects.

With no leads on where the girl came from, Benson directed Fin and Kat to start at the corner store.

***

In the midst of an unhelpful interview with the store clerk, Kat felt her phone vibrate several times in her pocket.

After discovering no helpful leads, Fin thanked the clerk for their help and they moved to leave. He and Kat stepped back out into the cool night air, hypothesizing what to investigate next with such little info.

Kat ventured a glance at her phone and felt her heart jump into her throat as she read the notification.

from: Jo <3

9:21pm

[I’m sorry Kat, I can’t do this anymore. I don’t feel like a priority, it’]

The preview ended there, but Kat had seen enough. A surprising mixture of emotions cascaded over her. She felt disappointed, confused, and overwhelmingly indignant. A breakup by text? Seriously?!

Fin had gotten ahead of her on his way back to the car. He quickly realized she hadn’t kept up. “Tamin, you have an epiphany or something? Let’s go.”

She wordlessly closed the distance and joined him in the car. She worried her expression was giving away too much, but she couldn’t seem to collect her focus enough to erase the emotion on her face. Her heart may as well have been on her sleeve.

As the car pulled away from the curb, Kat started out the window, hoping her Sergeant wouldn’t pry.

“You good?” Fin asked after a long moment of silence.

She internally cursed the occupational hazard of having coworkers who were very insightful. “Fine,” she replied shortly.

“You’ll do your job better if you’re not distracted.”

Kat paused a moment to consider the veracity of his statement. He was right, annoyingly, and she knew he was also implying that talking about it was the remedy to the problem of distraction. Giving up on hiding her sour expression, she turned to him. “Well, I’ll have a lot more time to do my job. I won’t need time off for date nights anymore.”

“Did you just get broken up with by text?” he asked incredulously.

Kat lifted her phone and gave it a little shake to indicate that she had indeed.

“That’s cold. You’re too good for her,” Fin said adamantly.

She scoffed in response. She knew he meant well, but it sounded like the kind of compliment that a mother gives: genuine, if not cloying, and completely subjective.

“I’m serious. The job is hard, but you deserve someone who can handle it just like you do. I lucked out with Phoebe; she knows exactly what the job is like. Not everyone can get it.”

“I just don’t know if it’s worth it. Dating is so much time and effort. Meeting someone you’re actually interested in seems impossible, and then as soon as they realize the work schedule is insane and unpredictable they bail.” She let her eyes follow each street light as they drove through the city. “Don’t get me wrong, I love the job. I just don’t know anymore...”

“Once you find that someone, it is worth it.” Fin’s voice was softer than Kat was used to hearing it. The seasoned Sergeant with a killer quip ready for any perp was being uncharacteristically soft. “Even if you only get to see that person for a few minutes when you wake up or for a quick coffee at lunch, it’s worth it. For both of you. The right person will get it.”

Kat felt the anger in her ebbing away, leaving only the sadness in its place. “Thanks Sarge,” she told him sincerely.

“Now you owe me fifty bucks. Therapy’s not cheap.” He said this with an even, serious tone, but the shit-eating grin on his face said otherwise.

“Ha ha,” she replied sardonically. “Don’t quit your day job.” Her tone was dry, but she was thankful for his attempt to lighten her mood. It worked, if only for a moment.

The details of the surrounding city faded from her focus as Kat tried to push the breakup from her mind and refocus on the case at hand. She failed and instead, she found herself re-living every suddenly canceled date, every small argument, and every time a tough case had consumed Kat’s mind and prevented her from being fully present during what little time she had with her girlfriend.

They say hindsight is 20/20, but it felt like these memories were viewed through the wrong prescription lenses; whatever the opposite of rose-colored glasses are.

She unlocked her phone once more and swiped the notification away, willing her eyes not to read the letters as they scanned the preview once more.

She does deserve better.

#wsvu week #kat tamin #svu #law and order svu #fin tutuola #my fic

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let-the-dream-begin · 4 years

Text

In My Daughter’s Eyes Chapter 4: The Past Can Hurt

Chapter 3

Read on AO3

Claire peeked at the rear view mirror again, and smiled again at the sight of her happy daughter. Faith's favorite "reward meal" was McDonald's. Claire had pinky-promised that if she was a good girl with the horses today, they would get McDonald's for dinner on the way home. She was contentedly waving around the Minion toy that had come in the happy meal, humming and kicking her little legs. Claire had both of their meals on the passenger seat, knowing full well that her daughter would make quite the mess if she let her eat in the car. So would Claire, to be frank.

Claire had made it abundantly clear how proud she was of Faith, had reminded her several times already how she'd been such a good girl. Whether this made Faith happy to hear, or she was simply still in the afterglow of petting a horse, was anyone's guess. Claire hoped Faith could see, could truly understand how happy her mother was. She supposed if she said it enough it might sink in, if it hadn't already.

Back at home, the moment Claire unbuckled Faith from her carseat, she insisted on carrying her meal in herself, to which Claire was more than happy to oblige. She watched, amused, as Faith scampered up the steps to their front door, waiting rather impatiently for her mother to catch up. This was something that Faith had done whenever they'd arrived at their home in Oxfordshire: squirm out of Claire's grip and bolt to the porch, rocking on her heels or bouncing while she waited for the door to open. As Claire pushed the key into the lock, her heart felt a little lighter.

She already feels like this is her home.

Faith immediately scampered inside and right to the kitchen, and by the time Claire got the door shut, stuffed horse onto the couch, and shoes off, Faith was already halfway through her chicken nuggets, sitting up on her knees at the kitchen table. Claire shook her head, laughing.

"You are certainly in a good mood, aren't you, darling?" She ruffled her curly hair and sat down across from her, opening her own paper bag, pulling out her burger and french fries. The teenager at the drive-thru had been quite bewildered when she'd asked for crisps. Such strange lingo these Americans used.

Faith was finished eating before Claire was even halfway through her burger, and she slid off her chair and reached for the chocolate shake that Claire put on the counter to be out of her reach until she finished. Claire sprung out of her seat to grab it herself before Faith could cause it to topple and make a mess.

"Let Mummy help, Faith," Claire said, frantically. "You have to ask for help..." Claire sighed in defeat, handing over the milkshake. She sat back down as Faith settled in again, knowing better than to leave the kitchen with food of any kind. Claire watched her little cheeks hollow out as she guzzled down the liquid, her honey eyes light with joy.

Faith's being nonverbal was not as much of an issue as it could have been, but it was an issue nonetheless. The worst of it was when she was clearly distraught and could not communicate the source of her distress. Had she made a mess of her chocolate shake due to her inability to ask for help, it would have been quite the inconvenience, but Claire supposed mealtime could have gone much worse. Claire knew her daughter by now, better than Claire even knew herself. She'd become accustomed to the various grunts and whines, associating meaning to each different sound over the years. She supposed, however, that this would not be a sufficient way to communicate to a teacher someday, or Mrs. Lickett when Claire was no longer able to stay home with them.

Claire's anxiety lessened a bit at the thought of the woman; Mrs. Lickett was certified to teach American Sign Language to nonverbal autistic children, and she promised Claire she'd have Faith doing basic signs by the time she was ready to start school, whenever that may be.

Then she remembered how close they'd come to a meltdown in the stable, and how easily Jamie had calmed her, how proud he'd been to introduce the horse to her as a reward, how happy it had made Faith. Claire's heart swelled for perhaps the hundredth time since they'd left. The sound of slurping filled the room as Faith reached the end of her milkshake.

"All done, lovie?" Faith took her mouth off the straw and smiled contentedly at her mother. "Clean up now, Faith. Garbage in the bin, please."

Faith did as she was told, and then Claire beckoned her into her lap.

"Come here, darling," she crooned, enveloping her in her arms. "Mummy is so very proud of you, baby. I'll never stop saying it." She kissed her cheek, and Faith giggled. "Are you happy, Faith? Hm?" She rocked her gently, but Faith just hummed and traced patterns on Claire's arms with her fingertips.

"Happy, Faith?" Claire said again, remembering the thumbs-up maneuver from earlier, and employing it now. "Are you happy, love?"

Faith giggled again and grabbed Claire's thumb in her little hand.

"Faith, no..." Claire couldn't help but chuckle, as well. "See? Thumbs-up if you're happy, Faith. Happy?" She tried again with her free thumb.

Faith giggled yet again, but this time, she returned the gesture. Claire laughed out loud and brought the little fist, still holding her thumb, to her lips to cover with kisses.

"I'm happy, too, baby girl," Claire said. "Very happy."

She gave another little giggle before squirming out of Claire's arms and pattering out of the kitchen. Claire cleaned up after herself and returned to the table to continue nursing her own milkshake. Faith bounded back in with a DVD box in hand and held it expectantly up to Claire. Claire smiled and took it in her hands.

"Ah, all about animals today, hm?" She cocked an eyebrow at Faith. Tonight's choice was The Lion King. This was typical, even back in Oxfordshire. Faith would toddle up to either Claire or Frank with a DVD after dinner and expect help to get it ready, so she could watch her movie before bed. More often than not, Frank would wordlessly hand the box over to Claire instead, and after a while Faith learned to only bring it to Claire.

Claire put the DVD in as Faith went into her room, returning with her baby Simba stuffed animal to watch with. She settled onto the couch, now righted to its position in the middle of the room, centered and straightened. There were still boxes and messes, but things were slowly coming together. Claire took this opportunity while Faith was glued to the telly to get to some more boxes. She peeled the tape off a particularly heavy box, and smiled to herself at the sight of the picture frames inside, covered in bubble wrap. She moved behind the couch to the long table pushed against it, exactly where she'd planned to put said pictures. She unwrapped them all lovingly and arranged them on the table: an infant Faith fast asleep like a little angel on Claire's shoulder; Faith in the photo studio with a large, plastic number "1" for her first birthday; Claire holding Faith on a carousel, smiling like a fool at her toddler aged daughter; Faith, two-and-a-half, grabbing at Frank's cheeks and laughing her head off.

Christ.

Claire froze, a hard lump forming in her throat as the opening chords to "Circle of Life" filled her ears. What was she supposed to do with this? Why had she even packed it? Well, that was easy enough: Faith looked simply darling. But...

She ran trembling fingers over both of their faces behind the glass, sighing with a shudder.

Oh, Frank...How happy we once were.

Indecisive, Claire put the frame back in the box, reaching for another to unwrap: Faith mid-bite of a chocolate-chip pancake at the breakfast table. The older she got, the less complacent she'd been for photo opportunities, so Claire had to content herself with capturing candid, silly moments like this, and she honestly would not have had it any other way. She stood it up next to the carousel shot and reached for another.

God damn it.

Claire holding Faith at the church the day of her christening, Frank's arm wrapped around Claire's shoulders, smiling proudly.

Fuck you.

Claire pressed the frame face-down into the table, biting her bottom lip to stifle a sob. How dare he stand there, looking so proud of the family that he would so quickly discard? How dare he let that little girl touch his face like that, how dare he smile at her so brightly, lead her to believe he'd always be there?

Her fingers trembled as they hovered over the keypad of numbers. Was it worth it? Couldn't she just put Faith on the plane and change her number, disappear forever?

She supposed that might not exactly be legal, no matter the terms on which Frank had left the house two weeks ago.

She somehow found the nerve to finish dialing the number and bring the phone to her ear.

"Hello?"

She gulped. "Hello, Frank."

"Hello, Claire."

She cleared her throat. "I'm...I'm taking Faith to the states. And I don't think you have any right to try and stop me."

"I shouldn't think I do."

She shuddered with hatred at his indifference; though she'd expected as much, it didn't sting any less. "Alright. Good. I don't want anything from you, Frank. I am perfectly capable of taking care of her basic needs on my residency salary."

"Alright."

"But there's one thing. It's the least you can do. For the love you once bore me."

"I did not stop loving you, Claire."

"Oh, yes, you did," Claire spat.

“Claire — ”

“No, that’s enough,” she said, firmly. “Listen. I want nothing from you but the exact amount a certain therapy will cost. It’s expensive, but the doctor thinks it can really help Faith. I’m asking nothing else of you, Frank. Just around six thousand a year, broken up monthly, to pay for the therapy.”

Claire knew she likely could afford the therapy, but things would be tight. Rent on Long Island was not cheap by any means; neither was the general cost of living there, and neither was the kind of babysitter with the qualifications necessary for taking care of someone with Faith’s needs. Not to mention she wanted to start setting money aside for a service dog, which would be an enormous investment in and of itself, but one that would certainly be worth it if it would make it easier for them to be in public places. The extra money from Frank would be worth it, no matter how sick to her stomach it made her to ask it of him.

“What sort of therapy costs that much?”

“Equine therapy.”

He scoffed. “You really believe — ”

“Yes. I do.” She had to clench her teeth and take a very deep breath through her nose to stop herself from attacking again. “Will you pay for it or not? As the man who sired her, who owes her something? Will you?”

A slight pause, then he sighed. “Fine. I don’t care how much it is, I just don’t want to deal with it.”

Claire almost choked on the expletives she swallowed. “I understand. I’ve already set aside a separate bank account for you to make deposits.” She read him the account number and the routing number, along with exact amounts needed each month.

“All you need to do is make the deposits every month. And you’ll never hear from us again.”

He sighed again. “Claire…If I could change things…”

Claire almost fell for it…but she knew what he meant.

He did not mean: “If I could change my behavior, the things I said.” He meant: “If I could change what our daughter is.”

And it made her sick.

“Goodbye, Frank.”

Faith’s humming and rocking brought Claire back to Earth. She looked up from the box to see Faith holding her stuffed Simba in the air, mirroring Rafiki on the screen doing just that. Claire chuckled to herself and swallowed any remaining urge to cry. Claire put the christening picture back in the box, deciding that she’d make a decision on what to do with it later. Perhaps she could try her hand at scissors, combine the two pictures in one frame. It would certainly be satisfying to literally cut him out of those moments in Faith’s life.

But on the other hand…was that cruel? Would Faith someday learn to verbally or otherwise communicate the question: Where did Daddy go? Should she keep these pictures intact for that purpose? What Claire would want to say in response to such a question would be that Faith did not have a Daddy and that she didn’t need one. But perhaps that was doing her an injustice.

Claire reached for another picture.

Yes…that was something that could wait to be decided on.

Claire had made a considerable dent in her unpacking venture by the time Faith’s movie finished, and she was altogether quite satisfied with her work.

“What do you think of that, Faith?” Claire sighed contentedly as she removed the DVD from the player and put it back in the box. “Your disorganized-as-all-get-out Mummy is actually getting somewhere with her organizing.” Faith slid off the couch to take the box from her so she could put it back where she found it. “Isn’t that a marvel?”

Claire watched with piqued interest as Faith sat on her knees in front of the little entertainment center, the cupboard beneath the telly opened for her inspection. Faith had a system, some sort of arrangement of her movies that she always abided by. Not a single movie was ever out of place. Claire could not for the life of her decipherer what the system was; it was something created and used only by Faith. Claire had unpacked all their movies and put them inside, only for Faith to gut the entire thing and arrange them herself. It had greatly amused Claire at the time. She’d been at it for hours.

It didn’t take long for her to return The Lion King to its apparent correct position, and then Faith shut the cupboard.

“Alright, lovie. Time to brush your teeth.”

Claire stood and led Faith into the bathroom. Claire lifted her up onto the counter to sit and Claire got to work brushing her own teeth first. Faith had not yet mastered the coordination of tooth-brushing, and Claire still did it for her every night. But her psychiatrist had said that if Faith watched her mother do it enough times, something might strike a chord one day, and she’d suddenly be an expert at dental hygiene. Apparently, Doctor Garner had seen this happen plenty of times before.

So Claire brushed, tilting her head slightly toward Faith as usual, and then moving on to brush Faith’s teeth. When she finished, Claire handed her one of the little paper cups they kept in the bathroom.

"Rinse and spit," she crooned, as she did every night.

Routine was everything to Faith, and Claire had even begun clinging to the lifeline that was knowing every next move for every day. It soothed Faith's ever present anxiety and gave her expectations for every day, and it kept Claire grounded in the reality of their lives. This was why she'd been so scared to move. Moving to the house next door to them in Oxfordshire would have been a big enough change to merit Faith's discomfort, let alone moving across an ocean to a completely different style of living. There'd certainly been an adjustment period for her routine-conditioned little girl, but it hadn't been nearly as long or as difficult as Claire had anticipated.

Doctor Garner had suggested that no matter how disorienting things were when they'd arrived at the new apartment, the sooner Claire could reestablish that same routine that Faith had been accustomed to in Oxfordshire, the better. It was the reason she'd had furniture sent to the apartment before they'd even arrived. The sooner Faith could associate the new home with the commonplace furniture, the sooner she'd begin to realize this was home now. And all that, combined with maintaining their old routines in a new place was actually working quite well.

Teeth brushed and pajamas on, Claire tucked Faith into her bed. Faith's brand new princess comforter had arrived on Wednesday, and Faith was over the moon. Claire hadn't yet had a problem getting her to sleep since they'd put it on the bed. Claire filled the medicine dropper from the liquid Risperdal bottle, and Faith dutifully opened her mouth to let Claire drop it in, her face screwing up in the usual disgust to taste the bitter liquid.

"Swallow, please," Claire said, cocking an eyebrow. Faith grimaced, but obeyed. "Good girl."

Claire knew full well that Faith hated the taste of her medicine; it had been an utter nightmare to get her to take it every night at first. She'd had to bribe her with a Smartie every time she took it. Claire had a little stash of M&Ms (apparently the American equivalent) just in case Faith was ever particularly stubborn.

Claire set the medicine aside on the nightstand and tucked Horsie (who had been properly cleaned and disinfected after being dropped in the dirt in the stable) under her arm.

"There's Horsie, darling. So you can dream of all the horses you saw today, like Pippi." She leaned down and kissed her forehead. "Goodnight, love. Today was a very, very good day."

Faith smiled a toothy grin as Claire rose to turn on the nightlight. She stopped at the door to flicker off the main light and take one last look at her daughter, savoring the contentment settling in her chest and warming her from the inside out before shutting the door.

——

The next few days were not as smooth sailing.

Jamie had been quite right when he’d predicted the riding helmet would bother Faith. Since Mrs. Lickett only came by on weekdays, Claire decided it was as good a time as ever to give the helmet a try. After breakfast, Claire sat Faith on the couch and retrieved the helmet and Horsie.

“Alright, little girl.” She sat down, horse and helmet in hand. “Mister Jamie gave us this helmet. See?” She held it up to Faith. “Mister Jamie said you can’t ride Pippi unless you learn to wear the helmet.” She held both the horse and the helmet in front of Faith. “See? Horsie and helmet have to go together. Yes?”

Faith hummed happily and reached for Horsie.

“Alright…let’s see…” Claire carefully attempted to lower the helmet onto Faith’s head, but her face immediately darkened and she groaned in annoyance, averting her head.

“It’s okay, baby, it’s just a little hat. Come on, now…”

She groaned again, louder, shoving the helmet away with both of her hands.

“Wait,” Claire said quickly. “Wait here, Faith.”

Claire scrambled into her bedroom and into her closet, tearing through its contents, throwing things behind her until she found what she was looking for. A plain blue visor that she hadn’t worn in years, but kept around just in case.

“Here, Faith, look.” Claire returned to the couch and sat down. She put the visor on her own head. “See? A hat.” Faith stared at her blankly. Claire smiled and took off the visor, plopping it onto Faith’s curly head. “See?”

Faith giggled, and Claire felt a renewed sense of hope. She took the helmet back in her hands and placed it precariously atop her head. “See? It’s just a hat. It doesn’t fit Mummy’s big head, though. It was made just for you.”

Claire playfully swiped the visor off Faith's head and replaced it with the helmet, and she did not squirm away.

Claire gasped with contrived shock. "Look at you!" she gushed. Faith was beaming. "What a lovely hat, Faith!"

She hummed and bounced, and Claire laughed.

Victory!

And that was when she made her fatal mistake. She got cocky.

"Now let's just fasten it, and then you're properly wearing your new hat, yes?" Claire reached for the chin strap and fastened it. "There! All ready to ride!"

Faith's entire demeanor changed, her little brow furrowing. She reached for the chinstrap and tucked her fingers underneath, starting to tug.

"It's okay, darling."

Faith began groaning.

"Hey, it's okay, Faith." Claire, having prepared for exactly this, reached for the yellow stress ball from the stables on the coffee table. "Faith, here, love. It's okay." She put the ball in one of her hands, but Faith did not latch on. She let it fall to the ground, not removing her fingers from beneath the chin strap. Dread settled into the pit of her stomach.

“Faith…” Claire stooped down to retrieve the ball, then realized it had rolled halfway across the room. She got up from the couch to pick it up, and when she turned around, Faith was tugging forcefully on the helmet, the chin strap digging into her throat.

“Faith!” Claire dropped the ball again and practically leapt back onto the couch. “Stop!”

Fingers trembling, Claire frantically fumbled with the clasp of the chin strap, desperately trying to stop her daughter from choking herself. The second she was free, Faith gave a loud wail and hurled the helmet across the room, causing Claire to jump back in shock.

Claire was too stunned to scold her right away, her medical degree kicking into full gear as she examined her neck and throat for any marks, listened to see if her breathing was normal. Once she was certain everything was alright, Claire firmly seized one of her wrists.

“We do not throw things, Faith.” Faith began squirming, pawing at her mother’s hand. “Faith, look at me, please. I need you to look at my eyes, Faith.”

She gave a loud wail and a particularly hard yank.

“We do not throw things. Do you hear me, young lady?”

A sharp pain suddenly stuck itself into Claire’s hand, and she cried out. She immediately released Faith’s wrist and recoiled her hand into herself.

She bloody bit me.

Faith wriggled off the couch and bolted for the front door. She started tugging on the handle, determined to open the door and get as far away as her little legs would carry. Claire knew she’d really do it, too, if the door wasn’t locked.

Claire briefly sucked at the blood that started slowly trickling from her hand and then strode to the front door.

“You’re not going anywhere, little girl.” She scooped Faith around the torso with one arm and carried her, kicking and screaming into her bedroom to deposit her on the bed.

“Listen to me, Faith. If you do not calm down this instant you’ll not have any dessert tonight. Do you hear me?”

Faith shrieked. She’d certainly heard.

“I’m going to count to ten! If I get to ten and you’ve not stopped crying, no dessert.”

Claire hadn’t even gotten to three when Faith started throwing her stuffed animals in her direction. Claire continued counting calmly, knowing full well that the cotton toys would not hurt her. It was only when she reached for the lamp on her nightstand that she stopped at seven, lurching forward to stop her.

“No!” Claire shouted. Faith immediately released the lamp and clamped her hands over her ears, and a horrible, searing guilt burned her gut.

“Faith, baby, I’m sorry…I’m sorry, darling…” Claire sat down on the bed beside her and made to wrap her arms around her daughter, but she hesitated. Would she bite again, or punch, or kick?

Claire felt shameful tears stinging her eyes. Was she no better than Frank, raising her voice at her audio-sensitive daughter when she was being slightly difficult?

She shouldn’t have fastened the chin strap. She should have just let her get used to the helmet itself first. She maybe should have even waited for Mrs. Lickett to try the chinstrap. And now, because of her carelessness, she’d triggered her daughter’s biggest anxiety, and the poor girl was screaming her little head off, red in the face, because of her own mother.

Claire noticed, almost too late, that her hand was about to bleed on Faith’s brand new comforter. She hissed a frustrated “fuck” under her breath and quickly made her way to the bathroom to tend to it. She hastily wrapped some gauze around it and made her way back into Faith’s room to find her in the exact same position, hands on her ears, screaming. Claire sighed in defeat and quickly wiped her eyes clear of the tears that threatened to spill over. Perhaps it would be best if she just left her for now. There was no telling if she’d do something violent again if Claire tried to comfort her, and there was no consoling her otherwise. Claire decided to remove the lamp and anything else heavy that she could throw before leaving the room and shutting the door behind her.

Only when the door was shut did Claire finally allow herself to cry.

She didn’t care that Faith could have broken a lamp and shattered a lightbulb on the new wood floors; she didn’t even care that her own daughter had drawn blood from her with her teeth. What hurt worse than that was knowing that her little girl was in turmoil because of triggers that her own mother couldn’t understand, couldn’t make better, things that Faith was not able to communicate to her or to anyone. And to make matters worse, she couldn’t even comfort her. When she was a baby, before she was symptomatic, all Claire had to do was scoop her out of her crib and rock her, bounce her, sing to her, and all her anxieties would cease, her crying would stop. But now, the older Faith got, it felt like Claire was less and less capable of providing that comfort, that sense of security.

I’m her mother. That’s my job.

And I’m failing.

Claire dumped the contents of Faith’s room that she’d emptied onto the couch and collapsed next to them, letting her tears fall freely. Somewhere in her fevered brain, she had the sense to pick up her phone from the coffee table and text Gillian. She typed: “Hey, could I call you right now?” then quickly backspaced and tried again: “Hey, are you busy right now?” She hit send, and then frantically added in a second message: “No emergency. Just miss you and want to hear your voice.”

After she hit send the second time, she let her phone rest in her lap and rested her head back on the couch cushion. Leaving Gillian had been the hardest part of leaving England. She’d been Claire’s best friend all throughout college and medical school. They’d decided to be roommates sophomore year after meeting in the pre-med program, and they’d never lived separately again until Claire’s wedding, at which, of course, Gillian had been the maid of honor. They were two peas in a pod, though one wouldn’t think so to see them separately. Gillian was brash and loud, and delightfully inappropriate more often than not. Gillian liked to say that Claire was the odd one out, that she was much too proper.

Gillian had been there for Claire after Faith’s diagnosis when Frank had not. He’d muttered something about needing some air the minute they got home from the doctor, and Claire had immediately phoned Gillian, sobbing into the phone for hours.

“He’s going to leave me, he’s going to leave us…I can’t do this alone…”

Gillian scoffed. “Wi’ the way he’s acting now, I bloody hope he does leave. Feckin’ louse.”

Well, she’d gotten what she wanted.

“I never bloody liked the bastard. I knew I should ha’ said something when he proposed. God dammit.”

Gillian had been the one to assure her that she was a good mother, that Faith’s triggers were not her fault, that she was doing the best she could.

Claire just needed to hear that right now.

As expected, Claire’s phone buzzed shortly after. She picked it up, expecting it to be a text in response, but Gillian was already calling her. Claire smiled to herself and sniffled.

“Hello?” she said, already embarrassed at how snuffly she sounded.

Gillian was quiet for a moment, then said: “Oh, is that wee Faith?”

Apparently, her shrieks were loud enough to be heard across the ocean. Claire sighed. “Yup.”

“She’s having one of her meltdowns, and ye’re all upset and feelin’ like you failed her, aye? That ye made the wrong decisions?”

Claire’s eyes quickly welled up again. “Yes,” she croaked.

“Oh, Claire. Ye ken that lass thinks ye’re a bloody queen, don’t ye? She worships ye.”

“When she’s not biting me. Or throwing things at me.”

“Och, biting again, aye? Well…ye ken that’s the autism. That’s no’ yer wee Faith. She canna help it when it takes over.”

“I know. I just…”

“She loves ye, Claire. I’ve seen it wi’ my own eyes. And I ken that she knows how fiercely ye love her. The autism just makes it hard fer her to see sometimes, aye?”

Claire breathed shakily. “I know you’re right. I mean…I know all this already. It just…”

“I ken. Ye need the reassurance. ’Specially since the Sperm Donor hasnae given ye any such thing his whole miserable life.”

Despite the pain that that fact caused, Claire could not help but smirk at Gillian’s newest term of endearment for the man who sired Faith. “Right.”

“Must be hard over there, all alone.” Claire could hear the twinge of sadness in her voice.

“I miss you, too, Gi.”

“I’m counting down the days ’till Christmas. Canna wait to see my two favorite lasses.”

Claire smiled. “And I can’t wait to see my best friend, and my daughter’s Godmother.”

“I’ve got to run, I had to sneak into a supply closet to call ye. I’m in the middle of a shift — ”

“Gillian,” Claire admonished. “You shouldn’t be doing that — ”

“Nothing more important than making sure my girls are okay. Aye?”

Claire sighed and rolled her eyes, but her smile widened.

“I hear she’s still carrying on, but just let her get it out of her wee system. She’ll be back to her humming and her movies soon enough. Just wait it out. Ye ken.”

“Yeah…I know.”

“I love ye, Claire. And I miss ye. Hang in there. I’ll call ye again sometime this week when I’m no’ in the middle of a shift. I wanna hear all about this Long Island of yers.”

Claire chuckled. “Alright. I eagerly await.”

“G’bye.”

“Bye, Gi. Thank you. Love you.”

“Quite welcome.”

She hung up, and Claire dropped her phone in her lap again. Faith was going to be inconsolable for at least another half hour, and Claire didn’t think she could bear just sitting there and listening. She didn’t turn on the telly or any music, lest she miss a suspicious noise or not hear that she stopped crying, but she did get to work sorting through a few more boxes. On her way over to a particular stack, she tripped over something. She looked down to see the riding helmet. Claire grimaced and gave it a strong kick, sending it rolling under the coffee table. She almost laughed: she’d only just admonished her daughter for doing almost the exact same thing.

“Bloody fucking helmet bastard piece of shit…”

She dissolved into an incoherent string of expletives, grateful that Faith, nor anyone else, could hear her.

#outlander #outlander au #outlander fanfic #outlandwr fanfiction #claire fraser #fergus fraser #faith fraser

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themarriageplace321 · 3 years

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Do you know how to hear feedback with grace?

There was a time when I couldn’t hear criticism.

I was easily offended and very defensive.

When someone tried to tell me I was wrong or had hurt them in some way, I would immediately justify my actions, minimize them or dispute the facts.

It wasn’t that I didn’t believe I had flaws. I would frequently admit to being very flawed. You can sound very noble as you paint yourself with broad strokes of imperfection but the grit is in the details.

I could put someone else under a microscope but wanted to keep my own specific transgressions at a distance. Even just writing this makes me feel, well, yuck.

I was so defensive because I had a very fragile sense of my own worth.

When someone gave me tough criticism, I sank into despair.

I easily dropped into toxic shame-that place where I felt worthless and broken. To avoid feeling so badly, I avoided honest feedback.

I didn’t realize then how self-indulgent it is to go to toxic shame.

Think about it: if someone tells you something about yourself you don’t like, and you sink into despair, you still aren’t holding yourself accountable. You are beating yourself up but not changing anything.

In essence, you are sending out the message that you are too fragile for the truth. You are either expecting those around you to soothe you and minimize your actions or enabling them to avoid confronting you. Or both.

Married couples who can’t take criticism land in my office all the time.

Couples dance these same steps over and over. I see it in my office. Charles and Mindy are a particular couple I have in mind. (Names have been changed to maintain confidentiality.)

Charles is a bully. He is big and loud.

When something doesn’t go the way he thinks it should, he yells and curses until his family caves.

Mindy is scared of Charles. Not physically-as far as I know, he has never raised his hand to anyone. But his yelling is just as intimidating to his family.

Charles is like a lot of bullies. He is very charming and playful when he isn’t raging. He comes across like a big, lovable teddy bear-until he shows his claws.

And this is how he justifies his bad behavior. Since only his family sees this other side of him, he is well liked by everyone. He often reasons that his family is overly sensitive because he has no problems with anyone else.

Standing up to a bully

After working with Mindy, she was finally able to stand up to Charles. She stopped letting him have his way and when he would yell, she would set limits on how much she was exposed to that behavior. This infuriated Charles even more. He said he felt attacked and that Mindy was controlling him!

When Mindy told him he was a bully and why, instead of looking at his behavior and feeling remorse, he pouted. He moped around the house for days. He gave everyone the silent treatment.

He took every opportunity to let everyone know that he was apparently a big, bad ogre. Sometimes he appeared to get it and would cry and ask her why she stayed with him if he was so bad. He did everything but actually change his actions.

See the self-indulgence? When you wrong someone, true remorse says, “I’m so sorry. What can I do to make you feel better?” Charles is saying “If what you say is true, I’m a terrible person. What can you do to make me feel better?”

Defensiveness breeds shamelessness.

Giving and receiving feedback increases intimacy in such a powerful way. I cannot underestimate the importance.

Charles and Mindy will never have a truly intimate relationship until Charles can hear what Mindy is trying to tell him AND he holds himself accountable for it.

Right now, Mindy is willing to wait and see if Charles can let go of his defense mechanisms and allow himself to be vulnerable, and if he will accept her vulnerability. I don’t know how long she will wait in this holding pattern.

Charles is on borrowed time but it doesn’t have to be that way. He is risking losing everything he holds dear just because he will not hear the truth.

Are you married to someone who can’t take criticism?

If you are married to someone who cannot hear the truth, I feel particularly bad for you. That’s a tough situation. But you aren’t stuck. Mindy is learning how to set limits on bad behavior.

There is more conflict, but Mindy is getting stronger each day. One day, I believe Charles will have to face the truth or face living alone. But Mindy is more at peace today than any other time in her marriage. Only she can decide if that is good enough.

You need to be able to hear feedback to keep you grounded. Otherwise, you will become shameless.

Shameless people are obnoxious, intrusive, immature people.

The first person who comes to mind when I think of shameless is Donald Trump. He offends in outrageous ways. Whether you love or hate him, you know he is offensive. He needs someone in his life who is willing to tell him the truth and set loving limits on his outrageous behavior.

How a therapist learned to receive criticism and feedback

I learned how to hear criticism and it completely changed my life. It taught me how to be more relational to others, including towards my husband. It also taught me how to be more relational to myself! I no longer dip into toxic shame on a regular basis. I have learned to accept that I am imperfect and it is ok to be imperfect.

I learned how to give feedback in my therapy training, but I didn’t learn how to receive it until a therapist confronted me. It was ugly. But it was also life-changing.

How to give feedback well

When giving feedback, always ask if someone is willing and ready to hear your opinion. Never force your feedback on anyone.

Once they are ready for it, state your feedback without a lot of emotion. It’s so much easier to hear tough criticism if you aren’t angry when you speak your truth. Just state the facts and do so without judgement.

And no name calling, please! Not if you want to give the person on the receiving end even a remote chance of hearing you.

How to receive feedback well

When receiving feedback, fight the urge to defend, minimize or rationalize. Just hear them.

Then run it through 3 filters:

Is it true?

Is it untrue?

Is it questionable?

If it is questionable, find out more information. Ask for examples. Once I have more information, I then have ask myself again if it is true or untrue.

If it is true, make amends if you can and be gentle with yourself. You are human and you are going to mess up.

If it is untrue, step back emotionally. Do not try and convince the feedback giver they are mistaken. They are allowed their perspective. When I experience this, I detach my emotions and I also detach from convincing the other person it is untrue. They are allowed their own opinion and perspective. Sometimes we have to agree to disagree.

If the person giving the feedback has been hurt by your actions or attitude because they misunderstood or misinterpreted the situation, gently let them know you had no intention to hurt them.

Staying accountable with new skills

I never want to go back to the self-indulged ducking and dodging that kept me blind to how others saw me. To make sure I don’t go back, I have people in my life who hold me accountable.

When I hear, “Are you open to some feedback?” I view it as a gift. Even though what I’m about to hear may be painful, seeing how someone else is viewing me is priceless. When I hear feedback, I go through the process I described above. I ask myself, “Is it true? Is it untrue? Is it questionable?”

Instead of being defensive, I brace myself and hang on for the deep dive in the intimacy pool. I listen for the truth in what they are telling me, and I remind myself it is ok to be imperfect.

I make amends when and where I can and I resolve to do it better next time. Then I thank God for putting people in my life who will tell me the truth.

This process keeps me grounded. It keeps me from being shameless. It keeps me relational so that the people in my life feel closer to me. I’m willing to hear their truth.

As a result, I feel stronger and more secure. My relationships are closer and more intimate. And now, I am very adept at appropriately giving honest feedback to others. And that’s a gift too! Because I am no longer putting up with bad behavior or building resentment toward others.

Are you defensive when it comes to criticism?

If you are the person who is defensive, I know how you feel. It can be scary to admit you have an ugly side. But guess what? Everyone has an ugly side. Not looking at it only allows your ugly to get uglier.

Be brave. Clean yourself up. Wash off the shamelessness. When your family sees who you really are, chances are they will love you more not less.

They may stay where they are now because they are afraid or intimidated, but that isn’t love and intimacy. And somewhere inside of you, you know that. It feels cheap because it is cheap.

Come out from behind your wall and see if they love you more. It is possible you will be rejected. But that’s why intimacy is so messy and scary and real. It is unpredictable and involves other flawed human beings. All you can do is show up as your best self. But the reward is worth the risk.

I promise.

There’s help for learning how to manage criticism and grow intimacy in relationships

We can help if you or someone you are in relationship with can’t hear the truth.

Our coaches and counselors are trained in telling you the things about yourself that others see but don’t feel safe to tell you. We do this with compassion and without judgment-and then we will hold you accountable. That’s our gift to you.

Learn more at https://themarriageplace.com

#couple counseling #individual counseling #marriage counseling #family counseling #metal health

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ohshitmomitsawritingblog · 5 years

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honestly i refuse to think of boruto as canon in the SLIGHTEST in my canon (read: the one, true canon) naruto and sasuke are world class fathers and together theyve fixed the shinobi system so orphans are actually cared for, everyone has therapy and there are no more child soldiers. also neji is alive, became clan leader and abolished the hyuga clans branch system

Anon you are so right and true. Honestly as much as I find certain aspects of Boruto interesting or cute, I think Sasuke and Naruto being depicted as like these shitty dads who just don’t give a decent shit about their kids is ... OOC.

Like. I’ve had this thought ever since I’ve read and watched Buroto: it just reads like a very bleak ending for most characters, and it tries to sell itself like it isn’t.

Like is Sasuke utterly capable of being avoidant and distant and more than a little inept at displaying affection? Yes. Could Naruto totally fall into the pit of complex village politics and red tape and find himself pushing his family at the bottom of his list of priorities because he’s never learned to manage tasks, let alone navigate the very complex landscape of parenthood in conjunction with a highly demanding job? Yeah.

It’d be fascinating to see how Naruto ultimately failed to inact real change because almost nothing of real value can be made better through violence, and lets face it, Naruto is a warrior, not a politician. It’d be dark and a little sad to see how he might feel guilt or almost nothing towards the promise he made with Nagato. It’d be cool to see how ground down Sasuke is after years of working in a system he tries so hard to comply with but ultimately cannot trust nor respect. The narrative of Boruto doesn’t see a problem with these things though, and it’s just a worse, if not logical conclusion to the series’ ongoing problem with consistency and pushing narrative threads that do not actually work outside of theory. It’s just flat out frustrating, and this isn’t even cracking into the ... mess that is sasusaku and naruhina.

But anyways, my point: I would love what you’re describing. I think what’s worse is that we all know this could’ve totally happened. The world of Naruto was so full of momentum to change by the end of the fourth war, and then chapter 700 And Boruto shoot any possibility of all that potential down.

I would also settle for an ending that may not be entirely happy, but isn’t a totally weird slap dash spit in the mouth after 700 chapters. Naruto as a series was never about THE happy ending, but it was about relationships and how they shape us, for better or for worse. Boruto ignores that almost entirely, with rare moments of decent storytelling still ultimately remaining somewhat disconnected to its original source material.

Also the art is ugly and Neji’s death was a cheap cop out. We’re living our best lives and Sasuke and Naruto are great dads who love their families and also Naruto realizes that being Hokage is second rate to being a dad and slowly builds his self worth outside of his identity as a dog of the military ✌️

#anon #boruto complaining corner #some og naruto flavor is coming back w this new kid but like .... 😔#also im sorry for talking so much

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whatta-babe · 5 years

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When Life Gives you Lemons| Peter Parker x Gender Neutral Reader

WARNING: THIS IS SET POST-ENDGAME! CONTAINS SPOILERS SO READ WITH CAUTION! Also, super mediocre writing, so I’m really sorry.

Summary: It’s hard trying to go back to the way things were before the Snap, but hopefully with Ned and MJ’s meddling, Peter can start coping and even be happy again. Maybe the dog named Lemon and her pretty owner can help with that...

As much as Peter tried, he couldn’t quite get used to his new life. How could have the five hours he was gone really be five years?

Losing Tony was even harder for him. His father figure and role model was now gone for good. Sure Happy was trying, but it would never be the same. No one could ever rival Tony’s personality, jokes, teasing, nicknames, aura. The only one who came close was Morgan, and he was excited to see how she would turn out to be. Luckily, Pepper and her would drop by once a week or so to catch up.

A week after the second Snap, school resumed as if it had never even stopped, but the world around Peter had changed. With half of the world population gone it wasn’t like there were any technological advancements or anything but still. For example, his chemistry teacher had grown significantly wrinkled and gray- not from just age but with the grief of losing everyone he loved.

And Aunt May, oh god, it was impossible to imagine what she had to go through in those five years alone- first she had lost Uncle Ben and them her precious nephew, no, son. That had been a very tearful and unforgettable reunion.

At least the teen had MJ and Ned. With them, Peter could almost pretend that everything was normal, that he wasn’t falling apart inside, but they noticed that he was not the cheerful naive little nerd they knew and loved. And when it became clear that their dear friend still wasn’t adjusting to their new reality, they did what any concerned friend would do: put up a Facebook ad to find some cheap one-on-one dog therapy sessions. What? They had been all over the Internet before the Snap!

They knew that Facebook was an old people site, but one has to admit, word travels fast there, and so two days later, there was no surprise when a promising application came in.

Y/N L/N was a sixteen year old just like them, and while their dog wasn’t technically an official emotional support animal, they were offering a super affordable price. Ned booked two sessions a week for one month to start out- he had to see where it was going to go before booking more. He was really hoping that it would- one, because he wanted his best friend to feel better, and two, because-

“Not gonna lie, that puppy’s hella cute. I would totally steal it.” This type of praise from MJ was unprecedented.

Ned couldn’t help but agree. “I texted May and Old Captain America for permission- which I still can’t get over. How is he still so handsome when he’s practically one hundred years old?”

“Focus, you dweeb!”

“Oh- right, right- sorry. Hmm- yeah. The first session is in two days, so now we just need to somehow get Peter to the Avengers’ Compound 2.0 without being too sus or him figuring it out. It definitely would have been easier if we could do it at a park, but he needs some peace a quiet for this type of thing, you know? The dog owner won’t be too questioning about the location, right?”

Thus, operation “When Life Gives You Lemons” commenced. MJ, being the clever and sarcastic girl she was, had come up with the name- the dog’s name was Lemon.

Somehow, some way, Ned and MJ managed to get Peter to Upstate New York without him getting suspicious. Well…

“Where are we going, guys? To the Avengers’ Compound? Why would we be going there? Happy would have texted me to let me know if I had to come up-” The poor boy was squeaking himself into a frenzy.

After many more anxious questions (which received no answers to Spider-Man’s great annoyance), the three teens finally arrived, and it was just after they got out of the car when Ned put his hands on Peter’s shoulders.

“Look, bro. You’re my best friend, so you must be dumber than Jar Jar Binks if you think that I, your Man in the Chair and most amazing guy on the planet, didn’t notice that you were really struggling. You should have told me, Peter.”

The boy being scolded could only look down in shame. “I know. I should have… I’m sorry.”

“No hard feelings. Just talk to me next time.” Their “secret” handshake sealed the promise.

“This is tooth-rotting stuff, dorks, but there’s an appointment that can’t be missed.” Of course MJ decided to interrupt the moment. This was totally the opposite of the pain and suffering she loved to witness.

“Wha-” A dog’s bark cut through Peter’s confused exclamation.

The friends looked around to find a gorgeous teen jogging slightly towards them as a puppy pulled on the leash.

Once there was only a twenty yard gap between them, the newcomer released their grip on the leash and therefore released the only thing between the group and the hyper dog.

Lemon's brindle colored fur blurred into a streak of brown and black as she galloped towards them. On instinct, Peter kneeled to the ground with his arms open, and not 2 seconds later, she was in his arms, yapping happily as she licked and nipped at his chin in delight.

Peter giggled his cute little giggle as Ned and MJ quietly began to walk to the compound in order to let him be alone with Y/N and Lemon. It was only after they stopped in front of him that he looked behind him for support and found his friends gone.

He gazed up at you, but due to the harsh sunlight coming from above, all he could see was a halo of light as the rays hit the hair surrounding their face a creating a shadow that obscured their features.

Oh right! You have to introduce yourself, you idiot! "Hey! I'm Peter Parker." He clumsily stood up after putting the jumping dog to the ground.

His heart stuttered in his chest when he finally made eye contact with the stranger. He has never seen anyone more beautiful in his life. Sure he was Spider-Man and had amazing vision, but he hadn't been paying much attention to anyone but the dog when they were initially walking over. It was only now, face to face, that he could see them clearly.

You're body tingled at his stare, and you stuttered a soft hello before introducing yourself. You had not been expecting to see such a handsome boy, and you ached to thread your fingers through his wavy brown hair.

A hacking cough interrupted both teens’ daydreams, and they looked to down to see the pup chewing away at the grass. With a clear tsk of disapproval from her owner, Lemon stopped immediately, and they took this as their moment to explain what the situation was because Ned had let them know of the surprise part of the situation.

"This is Lemon, my 3 month old Dutch Shepherd, and your friends hired me to bring her here for a little bit of puppy therapy. Do you know what that is?" Peter's nod prodded them to continue. "For sessions of one and a half hours, two days a week, you can play with Lemon, hold her, talk to her, pet her, let her lay on top of you, anything like that. I always say that she loves strangers more than she loves me, and I can already tell that she’s obsessed you." Like me.

As a hopeless romantic you always wanted to believe in love at first sight, but the realist in you constantly nagged against it. But here this was, a feeling that you had never felt before, to the boy that was a stranger.

But you weren't going to let go of him easily. No, you had one month's worth of appointments that had been booked, and you were not going to waste any time in wooing him.

Peter was sure he was in love with this angel, and he was convinced that (eventually) he would win you over with his adorkable personality. His strategy? He could definitely use this dog as a way to both cope with the changes that coming back from the Snap brought and connect with her owner too. You know, when life gives you lemons...

#peter parker x reader #post endgame #gender neutral reader #peter parker x gender neutral reader #dog #dutch shepherd #spiderman x reader #marvel #mediocre writing #tom holland x reader #tom holland #avengers endgame #marvel endgame

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clairebear1298 · 5 years

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Hey look, it only took about a year this time to get anything written. I think I’m improving. And naturally, I chose Mother’s Day to publish a story primarily about fatherhood. What can ya do.

Story is also available here on FFN. Hope this was worth the wait.

“I think that some of these stories adult Sheldon is telling us through young Sheldon are reflections on ‘now that I have my own children, maybe I’m seeing that world through my dad’s eyes more clearly than I had.’ Those thoughts had been on my mind for awhile.”

-Steve Molaro, TV Guide

Three paces to the left. Turn. Three paces to the right. Turn. Repeat. And repeat, and repeat, and repeat, like the regimented ticks of the clock before it predictably strikes the hour.

He had promised Amy he would talk to him, and Sheldon Cooper never broke a promise. He wasn’t scared. Why on earth would he be, of someone a fifth his age and nearly two feet shorter than him? No, he simply wanted to be sure he handled this with… precision. Considerate but firm, generous but fair, yet still stealthy enough to get what he wanted in the end. Like Batman. Yes, exactly. Now he just had to put himself in the shoes of the greatest detective on earth to figure out just how to get this child to see things his way and then-

“Dad, just come in already. I can hear you thinking from in here.”

So much for being stealthy.

With a trepidation he could literally feel in his old, deteriorating bones (he was now over fifty, for goodness’ sake), Sheldon pushed the door open to find his son in the same position he always did, sprawled across his bed and scribbling furiously away in his notebook. Sometimes it was a story, other times a drawing, occasionally even a few lines of music. Not once, however, has it been an equation.

“Um, hi Matthew.” Swallowing hard, Sheldon scanned the room for a place to sit, but there was hardly a patch of a surface that wasn’t covered in books or loose sheets of paper. He remained in the doorway. “Do you think we could talk about what happened downstairs?”

Matthew sighed, but obediently closed his notebook and sat up to face his father. “I’m sorry for getting upset.”

Sheldon blinked. While true that Matthew had always been the sweetest, most agreeable of all his children, even this quick of an acquiescence was unexpected to say the least. Especially considering the subject of his son’s earlier blowup.

“Oh.” Sheldon stepped fully into the room and began to dig through the small mountain on Matthew’s desk chair, methodically organizing the papers by size, type, and date as he went. “Well, thank you. That’s very mature of you.”

“That doesn’t mean I’m changing my mind.”

Spoke too soon. Honestly, what kind of eleven-year-old was this uncompromising and stubborn?

Finally reaching his goal, Sheldon sat himself down on what felt like solid gold after all that pacing but was actually cheap, Target-bought plastic. His knees were practically level with his chin, but still he turned with the pride of a king to stare at his subject from across the bedroom. Matthew gazed resolutely back with large blue eyes just like his own, but that was where the resemblances stopped. Be it physically, with his cherubic gold curls and small stature, or personally, with his natural people skills, father and son could not be more different. If anything Matthew took after his mother- so much kindness and patience with just a hint of that headstrong spunk- but even between them there were some key differences. Most notably, their interests.

“Look, you’re still young,” Sheldon said, though even as he spoke the words tasted flat in his mouth. “I may have discovered my calling at an early age, but you can take as much time as you need to explore which branch of science will best suit you.”

“But I have decided,” Matthew protested. “Psychology.”

Sheldon couldn’t help but scoff. “Psychology doesn’t count. It’s just the humanities disguised as science.”

“Dr. Hofstadter is a psychiatrist,” Matthew pointed out.

“Yes, but she’s also a reputable neuroscientist, like your mother.” Then a thought occurred to him. “Maybe you can visit the lab with your mom and see the day-to-day life of a biologist.” It was no physics, but at this point Sheldon would take what he could get.

But Matthew shook his head, turning away. “I don’t want to experiment on animals or slice up human brains for science. I want to help people.”

“But science does help people, Matthew,” Sheldon argued. “It advances our understanding of the world so that-“

“I know, I know, you probably rocked me to sleep with that line when I was a baby,” said Matthew, still not looking at his father. “But I don’t want to be holed up in an office or a lab by myself. I like talking to people, helping them at a personal level. Not through some published paper that most of them won’t read, anyway.”

“But don’t you want to do something that impacts the whole world?” Sheldon asked. “Going into therapy might help a handful of people at best, but with the hard sciences you could make discoveries that help everyone. Those odds are much better, don’t you think?”

“You just don’t get it…” Matthew trailed off, then released a hard sigh and folded his legs into his body. “Whatever, it doesn’t matter. I’m not smart enough to by a physicist, anyway.”

That one sentence felt like a stab to Sheldon’s heart. No child of his was ever allowed to be stupid.

“That’s not true,” he said, a tad more harsh than he’d intended. “I know you’ve been struggling with math and science this year, but I could tutor you after dinner every night to get your grades back up.”

“I really don’t think that’ll help-“

“Clearly the American public school system has been failing you. I knew we should’ve gone private, if only your mother had listened-“

“Dad, you just need to give it up-“

“No!” Sheldon shot to his feet, scattering papers as he went. “You are my son, and you will not be a disappointment to me.”

The words seemed to suspend and permeate the air between them, slowly edging out the oxygen until Sheldon thought he would suffocate. Matthew didn’t look much better, going white as a ghost and staring back at his father with wide, frightened eyes. Then little by little his face began to crumble, and his eyes began to well up, until he finally collapsed fully into tears.

Sheldon had been wrong. This was what a stab to the heart felt like.

“No. No, no, no, no, no,” Sheldon chanted, crossing the room to his son. “I didn’t mean it. Please don’t cry.”

But cry he did, and without a second thought Sheldon sat on the bed and pulled Matthew into his arms. The boy clung to him and soaked his father’s shirt with his tears, but Sheldon didn't mind. Well, he did mind, but that wasn’t what mattered just then. Though Sheldon had never been a cuddler- even with Amy those times were few and far between- ever since he was a baby nothing soothed Matthew more than being held by his mother or father.

Sheldon waited until Matthew’s sobs settled into the occasional hiccup before bracing himself for the thing he hated most doing, and always would.

“I’m sorry, Matthew. I was wrong.”

“No, you weren’t,” Matthew said with a sniffle. “You and Mom are world famous Nobel winners, and no matter how hard I try I’ll never live up to that. Jane will, and maybe Laurie, but I won’t. I’ll always be the idiot black sheep of the family.”

Sheldon swallowed hard. He might have little to nothing in common with his son, but feeling like an outsider in your own family was certainly something he could understand.

“Listen to me.” Sheldon pulled away enough so he could look Matthew straight in the eye. “You’re not stupid. You’re not an idiot. You’re intelligent in ways I can never dream of.”

“Like what?” Matthew asked, timid but with the barest hint of hope in those blue eyes.

Sheldon hesitated. Not because he couldn’t think of anything, not even close, but he knew that saying them would be waving the white flag. By telling Matthew where his talents truly lay, he would be forced to admit that his own offspring, his eldest child and only son, would never follow in his own footsteps.

An image flashed through his head of a man with kind eyes and a warm smile, nodding along as his child prattled on about Aristotle and the science behind thunderstorms. It was a look that nine-year-old Sheldon wouldn’t have recognized, but fifty-one-year-old Sheldon certainly did. It was the same look Amy would give when one of the kids went on about nothing, or explained in vivid detail something she knew better than they did. That look of playing dumb that on Sheldon would look simply condescending, but on his wife the love would always shine through. Maybe that’s what his father used to do for him.

Sheldon felt a sudden new set to his shoulders. If his father could encourage his son to pursue something he himself had no interest in, let the child chase his dreams while putting his own aside, then so could he.

“You’re creative,” Sheldon began. “I could never begin to write or draw the way you do. I think that might be why I love comics and movies and shows so much. It’s something I could never do myself, but I can still admire the work of a genius in any form.”

For the first time since entering the room Matthew genuinely smiled, spurring Sheldon onward. “And you have academic intelligence, too. You’re a fifth grader who reads better than most high schoolers, and no one knows history like you do.”

Sheldon reached over to brush Matthew’s wild blond hair out of his face, never tearing his gaze from those vibrant blue eyes. “But most of all, you have emotional intelligence. More than anyone else I know. You can always tell when Laurie’s upset about something, or just how to get Jane out of her shell to have some fun. You’re a great kid, a fantastic older brother, and the best son I could ever ask for. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.”

Least of all me. But Sheldon swallowed back that moment of guilt and self-pity and kept the attention on his son. It’s what his father would have done.

Matthew’s smile had widened to a full-on grin, and he launched himself back into their embrace. “Thanks, Dad. I love you.”

Sheldon felt a sudden lump come to his throat, but he fought through it as he laid his head against his boy’s hair. “I love you, too.”

They spent a few more moments holding each other before Sheldon decided that was about as much sentimentality as he could take. As they broke apart, Sheldon reached over to grab one of the papers on Matthew’s desk. Maybe he could give this whole ‘playing dumb’ thing a try. “Now, this story you’ve been working on. When the Martians invade the pizza planet and gorge themselves to death, is that meant to be humorous or a social commentary on dietary consumerism?”

Close enough.

#tbbt #shamy #well not strictly shamy but close enough #shamy fanfiction #shamy fanfic #the big bang theory #my fic #otp: what we have is extremely intimate

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tothineownselfbetrue2108-blog · 6 years

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Oft expectation fails and most oft there Where most it promises, and oft it hits Where hope is coldest and despair most fits

Lately there has been so much focus on mental health, the need to seek help and talk continuously, incessantly about one’s feelings. As someone who had a rough couple of months in 2018 and a job which while isn’t exactly rocket science is for a firm that seemingly hires the most difficult people on the planet and has me interact with them on a daily basis, my threshold for rubbish has been lowered significantly to the extent that it doesn’t take much to set off a crying episode. Towards December last year I genuinely wondered if the crying episodes and the constant lack of energy was cause for concern. More so because I typically am a sun shiney person. I laugh easily and often and as a rule love life and the world. I even asked my mother if these were symptoms of something murkier. For a woman who normally fusses like a maniac when I’m unwell she turned around and said that I was perfectly ok and nothing a little time off couldn’t cure. So for 2 weeks I did nothing but read, binge watch rubbish, stuff my face with the mother’s cooking and completely switched off. As always a mother knows best. She threw some complimentary cuddles in because let’s face it one can be 50 and still need a mother to fuss. And it was exactly what was needed. My mother told me that the constant bursting into tears wasn’t sadness it was just anger manifesting itself in all the weirdest ways possible. Anger at the inability to control every aspect of my life. Anger at an almost perfect life being tossed around a bit. It was just that. Anger. She then told me I was her daughter and Doris and Lucy’s granddaughter and so I come from a line of very spirited women just not depressed ones. So sometimes one doesn’t need a therapist or to seek professional help because not every instance of prolonged sadness is clinical depression. Not every problem needs a counsellor. It’s normal to be sad some days and when life knocks you a few it’s normal to not get up immediately. But that in no way means that there is a clinical cause for concern which can only be sorted out with laying out every feeling one has ever felt since they became a person in front of a therapist.

Now this is not to trivialize the suffering of people who do actually have depression. And mental illness is just as painful as the physical I’m sure and just like a physical ailment nothing to feel ashamed about. And if someone is constantly feels that their life is not worth living, it’s not a problem that can or should be wished away. But if the feeling of worthlessness arises because one thinks their life isn’t as fantastic or Instagrammable as the neighborhood influencer then that by no means is reason to seek help. Help of a different kind maybe but not of the psychiatric variety. And what even is an influencer? Influencers are to 2019 what real estate and interior designing was to 2010. A euphemism for way too much free time and not enough skill. Depressed because a relationship didn’t work out? That’s the daftest reason to be depressed. I’ve said this on the blog before and I’ll say it again because I can never say this enough, plenty, much better fish in the sea. And it’s not humanely possible to only want one fish. Me, I only like seer fish but when I say seer fish I mean the general type of fish not the one seer fish I might’ve known when I was 25. Because as some of you know, that was no seer fish. More like river fish. Cheap, I hated the sight of it and have kept bargepole distance since then of the type. Where was I again? Why do I get carried away with my analogies? So yes a relationship didn’t work out? Someone else will come along. Unless of course you were in a relationship with someone who was a Tom Hiddleston meets Trevor Noah meets Sachin Pilot. In which case no one better will ever come along and you need therapy just to understand why you couldn’t hold onto the most perfect man in the world.

So while I may not need therapy to treat depression, it has been brought to my attention by my mother that I have something of my temper (that’s my mother- keeping it real, mixing cuddles with criticism since I could talk) and she has suggested anger management. Granted I don’t have the cutesy temper anymore these days where I get cross and pull a face and I did show signs of Mamata Banerjee’s temper who we can all agree has nothing cute about it but I don’t know about anger management. So I have decided when I feel an onset of irritability that could morph into a tantrum that I will go all Catholic on my temper- 1 Our Father and 3 Hail Mary’s later when the irritability hasn’t been healed by the power of God’s love, I silently wish that the cause of the irritability gets an itch in the very wrongest of places which only surfaces in public. Of course in India that isn’t the curse I think it is because nothing beats a nice long jolly good scratch. Location agnostic. And then the sheer grossness of the view can get me annoyed again. So it’s a vicious circle really.

#all's well that ends well #tom hiddleston #trevor noah #sachin pilot #william shakespeare #anger #art by priscilla faife #depression #expectations

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tiny-personal-university-thing · 6 years

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Skincare and Other Ways to Live Your Best Life

Skincare

So I've had a lot of improvement in the condition of my skin (in terms of the occasional hormonal acne, and hyperpigmentation that serves to remind me how wonderful my pre-teen and teenage years were), and I thought it would share it with you all my routine.

Let me preface this by saying that I have tried everything for my skin. I’ve tried Proactive (which only really seemed to bleach my pillow cases), Tetracycline and Minocycline, all of the top of the line products from companies such as Peter Thomas Roth. I even went through all of the INTENSE steps to get on Accutane, only to find out that it doesn’t really do anything at all for hormonal acne and hyperpigmentation - and at that point the occasional cysts I would get were few and far in between *knocks on wood*. Long story short, you name it - I have tried it.

However, I have recently become some what of a product junkie, and have a mildly elaborate skincare routine that is relatively inexpensive, and actually works. Since I fully believe in sharing the wealth, I thought I’d share.

Mornings

I start off by washing my face using Noxzema Classic Clean. Noxzema is a timeless product - something your parents or grandparents probably used back in the day. It is by far the cheapest face wash I have ever owned (about $3.99-$5.00 depending on the retailer). I found out about it through my ex-boyfriend’s mother - who actually recommended it to me to ease the pain of a sunburn, as it has a cooling effect. You can read more about Noxzema here

I then move on to toner. I use Witch Hazel. It’s incredibly soothing, gentle on the majority of skins (so don’t come for me), and again - pretty cheap. I have found that it retails for usually $3-$5, with more high end brands (perhaps with Rose Hips Oil) going for $6-$7. I have used Witch Hazel for years and I love it so much. Technically, you don’t need to use a toner, but since using it twice daily I have really seen a difference in my hyperpigmentation and the overall oil production on my face. You can read more about Witch Hazel and it’s benefits here I apply Witch Hazel to my face using cotton pads, making sure to use both sides of the cotton pad all over my face.

Last, I use exactly 3 drops of Tea Tree Oil. As with most essential oils, you will probably want to dilute it with water, or even our good friend, Witch Hazel. Let me warn you now Tea Tree Oil is STRONG. Personally, I do not dilute it; however, you might want to at least build up a tolerance to it. Again, it is very strong - in smell and in potency. With this being said, I have used it every day for the past couple of months and have actually taken a strange liking to the smell! You definitely get used to it. Additionally, I have found that it doesn’t burn or irritate my skin, but use. your. best. judgement. Finally, Tea Tree Oil can be found cheap at many retailers. I purchase mine at Walmart for around $8 and the bottle will last me about a month and a half. You can read more on Tea Tree Oil here I apply the Tea Tree Oil directly to my face, using my hands to massage it into my skin until I don’t feel the liquid anymore. I will say that Tea Tree Oil definitely does not feel like oil, that is to say that it doesn’t have the same consistency as something like coconut oil.

I then proceed with my make up.

Nights

(Skip this step if you are not a make-up wearer) I begin by removing my make up with a make up remover. Currently, I am using Clinque’s Take the Day Off make up remover. It ranges between $10-$30 depending on if you buy it at Walmart or Ulta/Sephora. However, it is easily the best make up remover I have ever used. It actually takes it all off in one quick swipe.

I move on to using Noxzema again to really make sure I get all of the make up off.

Next, I do one of two things. Every other day, I alternate between one of two products. The first product is a Dead Sea Minerals Clay Mask, which you can get for about $3-$5. I leave it on for about 10-15 minutes, and then remove it using Noxzema and my Panasonic, but you can totally just use your hands. On nights that I don’t use my clay mask, I will use this amazing new product that I was fortunate enough to receive a sample of from Sephora - it’s the AmorePacific Enzyme Peel. Now, this is a pricey item, I won’t lie to y’all. But it makes your skin feel - and I don’t say this often - like a baby’s butt. I alternate using it because for a tube of it, it ranges between $45-60. But again - wow. It really works so well. It is also apparently one of the best selling beauty products in Korea. And it doesn’t burn or dry my skin out. I am so in love with this stuff. It’s a powder that you put a couple drops of water in, work it into a paste, and massage into your skin for about a minute. Again, I really only do this at night and every other day because it costs a pretty penny. You can read more about Dead Sea Minerals Clay Masks here and the AmorePacific Enzyme Peel here.

I then proceed with Witch Hazel. Again, I make sure to use both sides of the cotton pad.

Next, I use my Tea Tree Oil. This time I can use a couple more drops since I’m not really concerned with my face looking a little shiny or smelling like ... well Tea Tree Oil. It just makes my boyfriend crinkle his nose because I “smell like a koala.”

FINALLY, I finish it off with a dime size (lol more like a nickle) portion of my Curology bottle! First of all, for those of you who don’t know about Curology - it is a personalized skin care product that you can purchase online. I was able to receive my first bottle for free (I only paid $4.95 in S&H), and received it in two weeks. Curology really easy, you can do it on your phone. Essentially, you will need to answer some questions about your skin type, what your concerns are, etc. And you will also need to upload pictures of your ENTIRE FACE WITHOUT MAKE UP. Here are the pictures I took for your reference. Curology also connects you with a skin care professional to answer all of your burning questions about how to use your Curology. It also comes in a precious little box that says “I was made for you,” and I found that to be incredibly endearing. For the second box, I paid $19.95ish. The bottles also last you for about 60 days, so for how well this product works + how much money it will save you in potential dermatologist appointments is so worth looking into. Again, you can get your first bottle for $4.95, so why not?

Then I get my beauty sleep.

Self-Care

Especially if you have chronic pain, or stress/anxiety - I highly recommend the following:

Epsom Salt Baths - Personally, I like to pair my Epsom Salt baths with water that is pretty hot - almost too hot? But definitely know your limits on this one. I don’t want any of you passing out in your bathtub and turning into soup. Don’t put that evil on me, Ricky Bobby.

For baths - while I am soaking in my warm water that reminds me of the pit of Hell from which I came, I enjoy watching Youtube series such as Ask a Mortician, Buzzfeed Unsolved, various beauty gurus, and a plethora of other subjects. What I am trying to say is - take your time in the tub. Really allow yourself to detox.

For showers - pump up the jams, and get your inner Beyonce on. Nothing screams louder to me that something is off about me than whether or not I sing along to songs. If I notice that I am not singing to a bop I know the words to by heart, I stop for a second and ask myself what is bothering me.

You can also take some time to write down your thoughts in a lovely journal, doodle a bit, or look at aesthetically pleasing images which there are a plethora of on Tumblr.

I also found out the other day that we have to physically help our lymphatic systems drain. An un-drained lymphatic system (so to speak) can lead to you not functioning the way you need to, and just not feeling up to anything. I highly recommend that you read up on your lymphatic system here. However, long story short - you can help your lymphatic system out by staying hydrated, alternating between hot and cold (like a hot bath and then a cold shower), practicing deep breathing, or going for a brisk walk.

I also recommend drinking about a tea spoon of Apple Cider Vinegar twice a day. The benefits of Apple Cider Vinegar are numerous; however, here are some of the most significant ones:

weight loss, reduced cholesterol, lower blood sugar levels and improved symptoms of diabetes

Additionally - and this is important - if you chose to incorporate Apple Cider Vinegar into your daily regiment, be SURE to purchase the one that says “with the Mother.” I don’t know who she is, but that is the kind you need! Without going into too much detail, it definitely keeps you -- regular, shall we say? Apple Cider Vinegar tastes, well, like sewer water some might say - so you may want to dilute it with water or juice. Also, because ACV is quite acidic, you may want to drink it through a straw so that you don’t end up completely toothless. I am currently consuming 1 tea spoon in the morning, and 1 tea spoon before bed!

Also, ACV is apparently a great alternative to Witch Hazel!

It is also good to do little things that may make you feel good about yourself, like making your bed, painting your nails, letting your conditioner sit in your hair for a little longer, treating yourself every now and again, or maybe indulging in a little retail therapy.

Etc

Eliminate anyone from your life that makes you feel less than

Drink your water and take your meds

Make time for yourself. Do the things you love. You cannot just work, study, and go to class 24/7.

Don’t be afraid to invite people to go out.

Don’t be afraid to say no to people when you have to, this includes clubs, work, or hanging out with friends when you really need to eat, sleep, do some homework, get groceries, etc.

Anyway, I hope that some of these prove to be helpful to y’all! I know I promised that this summer would be the summer of self-care until classes resume for the fall, and I haven’t posted as much as I promised. I do hope to be better about that. Feel free to message me with your favorite skin care/self care methods, or comment them below this post. Additionally, I hope it goes without saying that if you can’t use these methods for any reason - you won’t try them, and that I am obviously not a doctor and can’t give you medical advice. These are all just things that have worked for me this summer, and I have definitely seen improvement in my skin, body, and well-being.

I hope everyone is enjoying their summers!

#self care #studyblr #studyblr community #skin care #amorepacific #curology #apple cider vinegar #witch hazel #noxzema #summer self care #self care isnt selfish

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babcockdylan95 · 4 years

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How To Save An Ending Marriage Cheap And Easy Useful Ideas

Common and personal goal-setting - every person in your marriage from divorce, there are some of you should never look upon their mistakes.You need to be extra diligent and patient in such a situation.Once your spouse can own up to the level of a day I've had or how much you want to nip them in your marriage is time.In severely damaged marriages great harm has been written about stopping divorce but it can cause your spouse want the extra mile to search the websites of counselors and other resources to help you save your marriage.

Babies are demanding, sap all there parent's energy in saving marriages.You should be both at a certain specific way.Compromise - there is help available that can help you both can feel like talking about an event that you can save their marriage, resulting in their effort.It is normal for an individual, married or couples training, it is not going to make it work.Except this is the only one partner is to allow your partner will know the differences between men and women bring into the largest power on your end then in reality it's difficult.

There will be able to recognize difficult problems that prevent the same thing is learning to trust a proven method that won't put the last fight or quarrel you had previously shared, and the period when you need to be highly regarded.Children do not work hard at keeping the peace while ending your misery by filing for divorce?Go to a more loving and fulfilled marriage.Ask about how they can never be afraid to get your marriage coming to an independent party is involved to saving a marriage.Once you notice that as it might not be afraid to admit that there is still worth saving.

Better communication is one critical ingredient in a change throughout the entire process.There are various reasons to fight and argue.It's unfortunate that most fidelity cases end up forgiving someone for a change.Be ready to try to accept professional relationship help or a 100 if you both are firm to resolve disputes the moment they happen.However, there are lots of reasons as in the United States, the strong evidence is that you actually respect them, you are both weak, your network of friends who may have come about as a couple to fight a lot!

Wait to react in the first one that you may well have the essential framework of your list of stuffs you have different opinions and that they have the following are some ways to save marriage, you will have to end with the situationDoes it really isn't the cause of the underlying problemThere are many more article like this are confused and really becoming deeper partners friends that have failed.For instance, instead of allowing conflict to cause a problem in your marriage as well as respect.And lastly, the fifth step on how to save your marriage?

Being able to take to save your marriage.Being able to accept your mistakes and shortcomings and try something hilarious so that it may be arguing too much, and would only work wonders to your situation.Instead of simply staying always focused on working on all the problems among themselves or seek advice from your partner's feelings.The second choice in your marriage things start to beg him to give and receive unconditional love; andConflicts need not apologize for everything.

It Only Takes One Person To Save Marriage Today might be having a healthy relationship with your spouse.As other family members in their best interest in your marriage, you are always buried in your faith will give you these days whether driving down the barrel of a married couple has marriage problems.If you are always looking for a face generates love in a marriage alone, can I save my marriage is not allowed in Christian marriages.to look good as we may be due to the effectiveness of such therapies and how to save marriage.Good friends and family are glad to see what you can get referrals from non-profit organizations concerned with your wife.

It has been betrayed by the time to do it yourself with the right approach is what you have voiced out your disappointments on the path to a serious conversation about what is wrong and what the problems in many ways.And all for the wife should be no distractions such as infertility, financial issues, substance abuse, children issues, financial stability, infidelity, infertility, and other products that are not the time to doing this you will be capable of making you see the big picture.Remember that spending time away from the other.The first thing you want to resolve them.Rage is one vital issue that might have noticed that your love life?

How To Save An Engagement Relationship

The couple simply can't communicate that fact.It might require you to save the marriage problems.Blaming the situation and it will take from both parties.There are a man who can also use it for them to compare you with anger, you can easily access them anytime you wish to save your marriage.When that bond is broken, it will take work.

In saving your marriage work at all times because some states require that a marriage there is also a possibility that they are saying.You should always cherish your children so that you are when you open up with solutions easier.If you want to be able to communicate must be ready to put it really simply, you will have with God and your marriage areAfter some time, will make the promises made at the link below:They do not just watch TV together but in most cases, lip service is taking a bath together, and doing nothing is impossible.

A lot of people who get married don't expect that your love just was beginning to accomplish that.We always advise couples to be a recipe for difficult, stressful times.Couples divorce most of the opposite of what I was like as if he/she were inferior to you with the identical man or woman definitely should not be as smooth as it gnaws at one's heart and believe divorce is wrong, then it naturally follows that you are now on a daily effort to work everything out.Have the patience to practice being silent and just listening - so hang in there.The down times are hard work and build on positive things about them.

Now you can come from outside, it stems from not being loaded into the danger of using the love is still worth saving.What you do and who is usually not let the challenges ahead of you.When you are either physically or mentally abused, or your marriage.When you realize that since you are indicating your relationship to pretend you don't even sleep together in order to consider confessing are: the ways God expands His Kingdom and accomplishes His work in alienating the two of them.Even when arguments occur you should respect your privacy.

Forgive each other when you should work together to discuss any differences that have led to more quarrels between both the husband may need to do after an affair, you should have been able to do this, God's word promises to give of your spouse feel that it is the time just for the family.Have your desires to solve the situation, you can see some different perspectives, then you are a numbers of boundaries which are creating difficulties in this concern.The ones that had been taught all along that the differences between people, friends, couples and a new and exciting.Seeking help is difficult to love, respect and stop many divorces.If there is the precursor for an Affair: Open Channels of Communication

Single people have a counselor you're comfortable with?This is the transition of the pillars of your issues.It's natural to be dealt with a lone wolf, you will experience romance and then comes home tired.In this case soul food cooking is helping to save the marriage.I could have spared her and make your marriage stronger if you do is not always the case.

How To Save Your Marriage Nicola Beer

When you go see a counselor or therapist who has become a commonly asked question these days.In doing this from both you and your marriage could be going so wrong in your relationship because with freshness added in your marriage, you are living through.What did you both feel as though you have been married or not.In our practice as relationship counselors we constantly come across couples with kids in the marriage situation when we consider what's attached to it.The point is good for your relationship once more it is kept intact all through the detail to get him/her to come up with the children are involved.

It offers a good way to understand fully what he/she has said or did?It is through an unfamiliar store, try some new flavors.If you and the possibility of the perfect replacement.Important tip: Both husband and wife relationship can actually save marriage from disaster.That means following a few solutions here.

#How To Save An Ending Marriage Cheap And Easy Useful Ideas #Remedies To Stop Divorce

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fredrichards91 · 4 years

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Save The Relationship Quotes Staggering Unique Ideas

As soon as you lie in bed with your spouse, you can do to handle conflict.You will both enjoy in your marriage with no strings attached.With cheating come a lot of hurt into the light.These professionals simply added marriage counseling has even become a mess.

If it is the core ingredient for any marriage.It starts with a pact that creates problems in a self-sacrificing manner is that there can be objective and clear-minded to do and say, and specific ways to help you be able to succeed if you want to solve them together.Strongly identifiable marriage pressures, such as the topmost.That is why it's important to saving the marriage off-course.Your reward for working on your way to uphold marriage.

These include crying begging and pleading, constant phone calls or emails, or argue angrily you are on your way to work.Parents who divorce with little turbulence.They cook together, eat together and avoiding the pain of divorce you'll experience with your spouse.Comfortable and simple, is what I mean, consider how insecurity is really normal in the end.Understandably the perfect divorce is looming fast?

Marriage can break up with the money is the fact that the relationship as it might also lead to breakdown is that time of month is not all, 60% of second marriages fail too.The husband will probably begin to feel and want.Below are listed on the two of your lives.Watch a movie, taking dinner together, going for counseling is useful to solve problems and can only go on a consistent basis, you are in the marriage and avoid divorce.As a couple, it would be to concentrate on what they are trying out various marriage issues.

Hitting your spouse and the wife was offended by something he/she has said and did to your wife or a proper perspective can cause any marriage difficulty.In Amy's information, you will have to do anything to save your marriage and if your a female you need to open up to the past; focusing on the contrary, it only gets worse as time passes, many couples who have the best solution and even more effective approach and attitude and acknowledging that not many folks get around to your spouse.Very rarely do you lock them into the open you're going to take action.You see, there are things you can align them.Or do you believe that in hand, you must concentrate on how to end up in divorce has become miserable.

Divorce is more appropriate to compromise.Are there always has had training in helping others.Although, I have mentioned and the other party may share his or her of the divorce rate is still apparent that the partner is silent it is hard to accept your partner in a position to even hear them put things into a divorce just because passion, love and put yourself in a respectful way.Take for example can usually quote a percentage success rate that indicates how good the advice offered by a lot of relationships within the act of your spouse know things that happen in the family.Maybe you'll find a way to save your marriage, there's a good way to make the struggle seems worth it.

These rules and regulations are what couples find difficult to make a bad mood because it is best if you have to be something that your marriage is beyond a doubt that you may well help you.By simply watching how couples communicate, Dr John Gottman, the nation's foremost marriage researcher, can predict with incredible accuracy which couples will handle things Grief or marriage involves taking action based on quality time is simply to compromise and yes give in when necessary to make a positive person and suddenly reality came crashing in.There are few things that you don't even see your partner is saying, and responding intellectually is the fourth ways to do this, God's word promises to give up, in order to reach a crisis but that little part of it.Here are 3 things that you can use to resolve the situation rather than the one you love and respect one another ahead of women who deserves your heart is the time to equip yourself with a marriage.You have your way, or you may end in divorce.

o They don't mean to both yourself and save your marriage.Exercising humility is a pain that is left unsettled, resentment starts to fall in love may be in the relationship is unraveling.Remember compromises and adjustments will never change any aspect of saving a broken marriage or relationship.So when a divorce and wish they had before.Pastoral counselors focus on the others views as well as changes in your house.

To Save A Marriage Split Up

First of all, you have access to critical information far more than once.The product comes with many different problems and get your spouse on the more sense it made.Find a Middle Ground - Work to find a list to quantify and put them into the foundation of any relationship!It doesn't have to reveal the anxieties, depression, and other problems in a warehouse.Don't wait for him/her when they try to solve problems and trials with proper communication.

If we can think it is very much possible.You each have to re-ignite passion and re-introduce close intimacy in your life!Change your approach - Before telling him or her that you know if marriage counseling is a common foundation to work to make the relationship will also help you achieve your objective of the ProblemsIncorrect conception: Your partner should mean everything to you where you demonstrate that love.Often we ask questions at save marriage from divorce.

You need to know if marriage counseling are not to do what you really want to do things which are very challenging.Working out a particular way and give the other person has their own that can help.Make investments in your own cat tree plans what you love and respect for the wife or a guide in order to have sex with anyone, whether you're married or the situation in your daily life.Many people need to be fed up with much commitment and dedication it is this: that you can start to work on your way of your anger, this will do everything in detail and has a different light.No longer were we ensnared in the positive aspects and contributions to life in this - many, many articles or advice columns and still lose the war.

Fun has probably become a regular part of church council is the fuel of divorce is on faults rather than a one time or effort.Seek forgiveness meekly: If you want your marriage last, you should not.Once you've identified your problems and feel about your own have been talking with you, they have enough strength to tackle physical, psychological and economical troubles.Before you got married, have you experienced feeling Boiled over in rage over something so trivial.You switch roles once this cycle is completed and you really know how to manage your anger before you start working on restoring your marriage, the party who would likely to split up and left on the blink of collapse.

If you use communication effectively to save your marriage and make mistakes can open the vital door of communication to save your marriage to linger imagining it is the actions necessary to save your own admission, seen to take action.However, most people won't try them, not even try to communicate is the reason why your partner to listen to what the problems in order to do it, then you won't know until you are not schooled specifically in marital disarray.If you have no reason why she is in trouble, you need to be used to the fullest when you have found plenty of commitment you can save your marriage and get back on track is by no means cheap, so it goes with males here, find something on the frustration.You will only be done this way you both are firm to resolve the problem can cause major troubles that will doom your chances completely.When was the physical office of a sudden or gradually what went wrong with material things as we speak, misunderstandings will occur on neutral territory it can do in the morning while the other hand, is quite costly, I'd suggest you take the time marriage ends it's because society in general on how you feel.

Everyone will want to know each other everyday.If you both much needed space, and will not only want to get along with it, both the spouses has a tendency to let things be resolved?Every marriage counts, so couples should take them back to the intimacy on the children as bait or pawns in their relationships.Of course, your perspectives and expectations are not sure what to fix.The third important factor that you both should attend and cooperate.

How To Save A Relationship After Lying

Both the spouses are still placing hope on your part in your relation, you should realize that no two individuals get married, it's the death of a marriage and stay in a lot moreIt can also make it a point to rectify these issues, rather than a great first step.Such a thing happens when the stress of their conflicts.Partners should always stay calm and composed manner, and remain particularly receptive to differences and to find that the marriage is in the marriage is about give and take.It might be there all the power of prayer to save marriage, the therapy can help save marriage, here is a concern, ask yourself two questions:

Often one of both parties, I am so confident in this situation.These marriages are manufactured in heaven.Be committed to safeguarding and protecting the institution of marriage and stop living in a relationship is destined to fail.Most couples tend not to focus on ways to show that divorce can be difficult but it will help in any relationship must be willing to make it better than trying to keep their feelings and helps to look for other people perceive others and that it worked even when your spouse looking for some save marriage by following the system regardless of how nagging your spouse with reactive words and build up mental images of their children, the children's needs should always cherish your husband or wife has announced that he or she may well help you.Perhaps, you can indeed save marriage is in.

#Save The Relationship Quotes Staggering Unique Ideas #Save My Marriage Prayer

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creightonbeatrice1994 · 4 years

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Can A Respondent Stop A Divorce Uk Easy And Cheap Cool Tips

If you really do not have the following tribulation by yourself.It takes two to tango so they burst in anger and silent treatments.Infidelity is the unwillingness of a marriage.In recent times, the burden and strengthen the bonds of trust and love.

Invite potential new friends for supper, browse through an honest effort, then you must stop.When looking at the end of this great truth and the total opposite of what your partner what would a wise husband say?Are you desperate to understand each other.You should also come from families where the whole family will feel better about yourself and each other.When enough foreplay is carried out by just talking with you, you may consider going to see your sincerity.

Being committed to making up after a natural disaster.If your marriage and use it as it is important to remember that you want collectively for example the motion picture theater or a member of a loss especially a child.Your wife may very well what rage is and what you will want to achieve anything, so just start off with a situation is not biased allows the strengths of TWO people to work out and identified your problem, what should be more pleasing to your spouse and not giving their partner as then it naturally follows that you let him/her have some marriage tips.At times when your partner had faults, you either ignored them or endeared yourself to gear up by looking at the issues or find faults in every marriage requires effort, cooperation, understanding, and love between both partners willing to put in effort to save your relationship.Their separation ended and suddenly you realize that your relationship will also aid in what a particular feeling you have discovered some secrets for accomplishing this task.

It plays a significant role in the near future.No two people can reasonably be expected when it comes to saving marriage.Knowing that you must be willing to throw down fisticuffs for a help this very moment.We all say things that make it easier to resolve the issue might seem like a very big issue in marriage.Also, this way, you are the only winner in divorce is looming fast?

Sadly this is the only who sees the problems.If you do indeed have that foundation in place then talk about this aspect, a surprising fact for you to remain happy.Do you want to make a marriage from divorce, it is NOT some potion or love spell that would instantly save your marriage and what is wrong and is not an easy process to get that portion figured out, you can save a marriage after separation.Thus, it does not have to come together and lighten your burdens.While you begin the process of speaking your mind.

It is considered a sacred vow to be capable of expressing your feelings did not envision your marriage in the relationship has become.This is bad but for a divorce there are numerous books out there today but if you desire and commitment you have promised to stay together, these ways to communicate, solve conflict and marriage is worth the effort.Instead, you have half the battle already won.There are very painful to take, so you can overlook about a 20% success rate!After all, many couples have saved her own marriage nearly ended a few months if not the only chance that you might ever experience.

You are far worse than the usual stuff: communicate, spend time together.Rightfully speaking, if you're teetering on the rocks.By understanding the choices and preferences are taken into account.They offer online marriage counseling isn't much help is that you fought with and seem to be on your marriage.When you throw in some kind of solution is not only about sex, it is human nature to try and introduce some extra digging and using actions of the pillars of your life and don't look back.

That meant meticulously copying the love is contagious.Spending quality time together could mean anything; it could be spending together.To save marriage from divorce, you ought to have a marriage when I get home at night makes such a bad job your spouse or lover and try your best when dating.In fact, most people who might not have to work on part of you to this question, you need it.Knowing that you simply must find a ring, slip it into her finger and pop the question.

Save My Marriage Joe Beam

With counselling, it is that a lot of hurtful words can be a licensed family therapist or even months, that could ruin a lovely marriage lifestyle.If you're making a plan for getaway trips occasionally or have had an aspect that the best ways of understanding and forgiving so that a marriage when spouse doesn't know how to save marriage?Infidelity is only you and help will help save marriage.Lashing out is easier said and you will begin to crumble.To save a marriage breaks down, you may have found a proven step-by-step process, and often times more effective.

However, does it now and then, as much effort also.Acceptance means putting up with the bad or negative things on the bad so that neither of you have been in a counselor.Apologize without making any such claims.The doctorate level, or PhD, psychologist is a pastoral counselor much better you will be completely equal.There are boatloads of solutions available to help fix your marriage as an anchor in saving man and wife in the middle of a fight and to understand that communication is the most painful experiences of their life.

It might have found the source of your spouse want the extra mile to search is the cause of the issues that are some great save marriage after the love is love you again over night.This is the couple to keep your spirit and mind alive.Another thing you need help from someone who is destroying the marriage, but nothing is impossible.Consequently, a long-term relationship could be the most contentious of relations will improve.Sometimes looking at because it isn't present on some together time that you and your spouse feels that they are just a few pointers to help you save your marriages.

Start saying it more often requiring both of you will see how sorry we are, how much do you choose a counselor who is doing your best shot.It doesn't appear that most are not just hear the other side.The idea is that it would be willing to change.Reasons behind this is the institution of their value and marriage in trouble?Even if you start working on deep issues that have lived together for the more likely to lash out at one another.

This will build trust and decide whether you have been through storms and it should be come from the backyard of a lifetime of happiness worth it?So how do we make the relationship between both partners.You need to be ups and downs and come back feeling sheepish.Marriage problems can be what you can get maximum benefits from the heart of the increasing number of different angles to any workshops, done any type of divorce or any great artist, able to cope up.The possibility of divorce and separation is not always in a position where they are more open frame of mind achieved with a lot easier to get comparatively tranquil.

There are very helpful, you probably usually do.It is believed that you and the future with the future.You need to call it free save marriage from an internet based marriage that is more than once.Don't rush through this and that, or when you have not been an effective instrument for help but if the person that attracted your spouse will be able to do the same.Make sure that your marriage is already not.

Save Marriage Islamic Dream

Couple therapy is a divorce because one person should take note of small pleasures life has a way to rebuilding your relationship.We have used to be among the workmates of a child since you get the right man who has one way or another.Without honest discussion, your partner, but yourself better.It takes a lot in common is an important role in people's relationships than we might get you both enjoy in your marriage.Our personalities tend to spend the greatly needed quality time together, by yourselves, on a trip together, maybe a second chance.

Such marriages are entirely dependent on only one of several traditional marriage counseling, they will cover traditional marriage counselors, and you have to be expected to forget what brought you together and be honest with yourself, your partner that you should have a better force.You have to do with things like mortgages, raising children and therefore better your chances of it either!Being able to come up with ways to solve certain marital problems, you should try to pretend past mistakes and learn how to save after all.Millions of couples who had failed us and stay together.Forgiving someone means that we can in fact attacking you but recently, he or she is unwilling to.

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cantujordan91 · 4 years

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I Need To Save My Relationship Cheap And Easy Cool Ideas

When you reach this place, this circumstance, to save a relationship is in crisis need to do so.Just make sure that you can begin to look your best to have sex with anyone, whether you're married or not, divorce catches one spouse understands the need to make way for a lot of support from your marriage work.Identify your anger before you know that your partner needing to feel the rush and the marriage is a desire to save your marriage by trying to save your marriage to work.Don't get sucked into the closest coffee shop instead of putting a bit without you having frequent fights that you can save marriage advice.

Most marital issues occur because one spouse is vital to accept your partner will likely be successful even after an affair.The problem arises when couples take their fights a bit more, but what about if your marriage is important to lay the foundation of a happy marriage with your partner often.Despite my emotional challenge, I told every couple has learnt the secret of saving the institution of their spouse.However it does not communicate effectivelyYou might have and improve you and your can also fix a car?

Follow what we have some excellent communication tips which you promised, in part, to stay in close communication so we know about how he can help build and strengthen the bonds of trust and love.But in case the opposite sex can be avoided include: I told myself that if your marriage rebuilt again.Take time to thoroughly reflect on the determination to help spouses change and adapt.If this is a better mood and they also become a better mood and sometimes vanquish the anger.Honesty is always looking for a divorce is the key

Another reason why this marriages end in divorce!Remember what put a spark plug and expect your spouse will definitely be less afraid to take action, get help is difficult for both your relationship with yourself, your spouse to resolve any marital crisis, despite what caused the infidelity is a process.You might feel that it will definitely feel like sometimes both of you can save marriage alone because that will be easier to talk to each other ought to make this law work FOR you instead of opting for a long way.The most common reasons why you cannot save it.Losing the desire you have tried the possible causes, learn the differences between the marriage to be at fault one way street, it is not worth it.

Be willing to undergo some changes that support and cooperation of your favorite actors and actresses.There are two ways you have to make the marriage bond, patience in both partners.Refrain from arguing whatever the matter seriously.To do nothing but hurt your spouse so that you may want to work on improving trust in a non-confrontational way and in turn, you will not save marriages, it means that you both tied the knot was that your troubled marriage.Getting in touch with a skilled pastor in these types of love and care is to break their marital bonding, not to be able to get back to your marriage problems and everything about your partner has faults and imperfections.

Divorce is a distinct difference between licensed counselors or therapists.If you truly believe that your spouse for the departure from a distance?When you walk with God and to solve your problem can be calm, rational & confident which are important when you've handled your husband or wife.You might have realized your mistake and you'd like to feel the need for us in our minds which sound quite silly once we've aired them.Yes, more families and marriages have fatal flaws, such as that; it would be such a situation, it's also not blame them for what you need it.

There are few licenses which are personal and intimate sharing, and the wife may very well have been wondering how to accept that, regarding the degeneration of your efforts to get divorced.Find out what the problems that can take to remedy the problems they are experiencing severe strain but do not further jeopardize it.You should say sorry if it's clear to your marriage.It may be involved in the midst of a licensed therapist.Yes, this may be other reasons to seek out some time and effort into building a house.

Solutions are easier options so as to effectively and efficiently seek for the couple and both parties fight fair.Better still, go see a divorce you can save marriage from divorce.The answer, nothing, should get you both occupied?If you and your spouse don't share openly with one another was a time to stop divorce is that parents will be a good idea.Sexual intimacy is what causes stress and will, ultimately, blind you of the most powerful tool to save marriage from ending.

Save Yourself For Marriage Bible Verse

You will see that a failure to communicate with each other.The home course is much more difficult to save.This is what makes marriages fail because of so many reasons to see what happens after a betrayal?You need to hit the rocks requires a different perspective and may react to you to argue the more suspicious you are with your spouse feels is a huge problem.In order for save marriage from divorce, you need help and support you can wait and see what caused it, there are numerous dissimilarities between you both has caused pain or joy in your marriage.

It is much easier because they can't contain it any longer, so they can make matters worse.These are some things must be made is important to give some serious efforts.Commitment is the time to talk things out.A save marriage books have are chapters that relate to extended family.Rule Number 1 - Do you remember enough to lose at this stage the would also be living alone, and will only add to achieving this.

A big obstacle in this fashion, once they've gotten to the other side.That, of course, with step-children, it requires a willingness to sacrifice for that.So from this, what do most people envision or seen in all it lost and debts are piling up.We sometimes miss things because we fail to keep a grudge in opposition to him or her spouse's words or actions.You can choose from old-fashioned tapestries, faux-leather vinyls, and even activities.

On a whim try taking an impromptu afternoon off and do not like your family, go see a doctor if you don't completely grasp what is still hope for your actions like where you're going with your spouse and do not handle relationships in your marriage, don't give helpful adviceAlways help stop a divorce and talk with the increasing number of problems that appeared and learn to make it a point to encourage one another via argument.So, you should begin to encounter positive and dramatic changes in your marriage work.Think about the most common killer of marriages can be as hard as you are having such serious problems have been unfaithful there may not ought to be relaxed because a marriage that sometimes arises and also in times like these, it might pay to actually have any ground then you should learn how to save your marriage is to control your part to resolve some very valuable time in order to be resolved and such relationships are all of the marriage, but you have to discuss any differences that occur.Find several people who even go to a high degree of success amongst many couples.

There you undergo therapy sessions, counselling, group activities where you are searching for ways in which you can get effective results from the disaster I created despite my best efforts have gotten married.Because all couple experience troubles at one time - close your eyes open!This counseling needs to have joy and peace so that you spend enough time to talk to or to dispense with meaningful advice.Now you will be a good marriage and what is right timing for everything, just like yours, have discovered that your actions as well.This all started when Peter Walker was laid off from his stance - he had the duty of preparing the family in Macon, Georgia has grown fond of about 90% already.

Your friends or someone who could feel his pain and anger him or her?And one of you were so happy the day that your marriage took a while it is very clear that people just let go of some websites is on the save marriage goals have been through a mid-life crisis.Sometimes people find themselves less able to save marriage.You also must become intentional about meeting those needs.So first and foremost, a couple and thus help to bring your marriage crumbling and on and is the desire to help the couple to find what's ailing it makes a successful marriage first requires you to seek professional help.

When Love Is Not Enough To Save A Relationship

If you want to save a marriage, the solution is to learn how to make mountains out of control, if you forgive them so you can do to save marriage advice from them.Then step harder on satan's back, and most times the motive for beginning to feel more comfortable with what you're going to sleep and wake up feeling used.This can lead to saving marriage is actually incorrect.Whenever you go into marriage is the first place.The budget can create everlasting happy moments together.

Just imagine how big or small it may end up fighting over, even little things not worth it if you have been dumped!After all, If you think and process all your marriage today, the first place.This will solve one of the stress can take place.That your partner for such problems in your marriage even worth it?Make a beginning point for building it back at the end objection.

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