#there was something there between reid and tobias ok

[liliumsabyss]

Had a little look through your character list to see if you wrote for Outer banks, the show isn’t there but at the top of your list it says that characters can be requested it’s just not 100% that you will write for them. If you don’t that’s completely ok I’d be happy for you to use this request for my fav Newt or even switch it up and write it for Spencer Reid because I saw him on the list too.

Anyway here’s the thoughts that have been thunk: Jj Maybank from outer banks (happy for someone else if you don’t write him) with a sleepy boyfriend (reader) who has just woken up and Jj isn’t there with him so he just wanders around until he finds hims and pretty much just falls into his arms for cuddles when he does find him and it’s all cute and fluffy.

I mean this with my whole entire mind body and spirit, you are one of my favourite authors and even though I have no idea who you are I love you and your work. I eat it up every time you write one of my requests and it’s just: ✨❤️🤩🏆 all the time, you know? Thank you for existing and sharing your stories they make my day.

All the love ❤️

Sleepyheads

FEM DNI, I SWEAR YOU WILL BE BLOCKED

Spencer Reid x Male Reader

Word Count: 0.7k

Tw: Very brief allusions to medical emergencies such as heart attacks, strokes, and other things along those lines but never outwardly stated just the asking of symptoms, Mentions of Cat Adams and Tobias Hankel, Very Fluffy, Spencers adorable stutter and yes he has a stutter, and Unedited

A/n: Hey! Once again thank you so much for the request! Im sorry this took so long I may or may not have gone down a rabbit hole trying to figure out Jj’s personality from OBX only to fail and ask everyone I know who watches the show including my mother for his personality only for them all to not be very helpful and have to go with one of the other characters you stated. I ended up going with Spencer to shake things up and also I love Spencer so much and with the new criminal minds season having him gone I chose to show him some love. Thank you so much for everything it’s such an honor for someone to think of me as their favorite author and to like my work. Also the day I got this request I had a very poor encounter with someone so this just made my day so much! Thank you so much <3

(Y/n) woke up sleepily blinking his eyes open, reaching to his right lazily when he felt a cold empty spot. He sat up quickly looking around confused in the dark room noticing the vacant right side of the bed. The warm light poured under the doorway from the hall of the apartment. The (h/c) haired male swung his legs off the bed slowly standing up as he rubbed his eyes sleepily stumbling to the door of the bedroom. He opened up the door blinking wildly as the light flooded in, hurting his eyes. (Y/n) walked down the hallway to the end which opened up into the large room that was split between the kitchen, living room, and dinning room, across the rood was a set of glass french doors. Looking through the glass doors one could see a man curled over his desk still adorning his plum colored button up shirt and his dark dark blue almost black tie that hung loosely around his neck. His mop of curly brown hair covered many details of his face including his warm umber colored eyes that stared stressfully at the case files scattered across the desk. (Y/n) staggered his way across the large open room of the apartment he shared with his boyfriend who was in fact the man hunched over the desk lost in his work, Spencer Reid. The (h/c) haired male approached the glass doors knocking gently leaning against them for support, tiredly wrapping his arms around himself. The other male turned his head towards the glass doors staring at the other in surprise. He quickly got up rushing over to the glass doors opening the one his lover was not leaning against.

“ Mh Spence why are you up…” (Y/n) said as he stopped leaning against the doors.

“ I-I had to look more at this case some-something about it doesn’t seem right,” Spencer started rubbing his hand on his forehead before he looked up with his eyebrows pinched.

“ Wait w-why are you u-” 

Spencer began to day but was cut off when the (h/c) haired male collapses towards him catching the other.

“ Woah woah (Y/n)! Are you ok! What’s wrong?! Your pulse seems to be fine. Does your chest hurt? Did you hit your head? Can you put both your hands out and close your eyes for me?” Spencer started to ramble asking various questions related to various medical emergencies. The (h/c) haired male just wrapped his arms tightly around the other snuggling his head into the other male's chest.

“ Spence, I'm fine, can you come to bed please.” (Y/n) said, staring up at Spencer putting on a playful pout. Spencer shook his head, his lips pulling into his wide iconic grin.

“ Ok. Did you know that the human body needs at least se-“ Spencer started to say as the two walked towards their bedroom, his arm around the other's waist. But before the brunette could continue (Y/n) jabbed his elbow into Spencer's side quickly shutting him up understanding the point. The two staggered to their room shutting the white wooden door behind them causing them to be surrounded in dark. The two collapsed on their bed not bothering to climb under the covers. The (h/c) haired male buried his head in the brunette male's chest while Spencer moved his chin on top of the other's head, both holding each other tightly in their arms.

“ I love you Spence…” (Y/n) said drifting off at the warmth that the other radiated.

“ I love you too.” Spencer said, squeezing the other tightly as he closed his eyes. While Spencer often had nightmares due to his occupation and just everything he went through from Cat to Hankel to the victims he was just slightly too late to help even though it wasn’t his fault but with (Y/n) he rarely maybe even never gets them and if he does his lover has always been there by his side after. And so the two drifted off in each others embrace just enjoying the time they had together before the next morning they would each be called to their respective jobs. 

[idkwhattoputhere000]

SPENCER REID GHOST!SPEAKER AU

TW: TRIGGER WARNING

MENTIONS OF DRUGS AND DEATH

(Also spoilers for season 2 of criminal minds if you haven't finished it)

So I had this idea that Reid can talk to ghosts after he dies in Revelations and at first he thinks he's just high but then he gets clean and the ghosts are still there.

I also hc that he's super attached to just one ghost that is pretty much always there. Talking to other ghosts besides this one takes like a lot of energy from him so he doesn't do it often. But he does end up being able to use his ability for cases eventually. He's able to talk to the victims and finds out how they died. Then they just have to prove it. This takes a really long time for him to be able to do though, like past s6.

Basically here are my main ideas about this (I might make it into a fic eventually):

-Tobias ends up being the one ghost that he can easily talk to bc of their connection and their deaths being so close together. Tobias kinda tethers himself to Reid accidentally in the graveyard after he shoots him.

-It starts with small things, seeing Tobias in a mirror, things moving and breaking around his apartment, hearing Tobias talking to him.

-Reid knows he's high and while he's using Tobias' stash, there's a hallucinogenic in there too. so he writes it off as a combination of this and PTSD.

-This all just makes him even more on edge though and is part of why he's so off on cases after Revelations.

-Also in this au he acts even more paranoid and jumpy. he'll also be "talking to himself" sometimes and the team notices. Reid snaps at them a lot here too bc of the withdrawal but also bc they confront him on it and he gets pissed bc he's not crazy or anything.

-Part of him thinks this is a schizophrenic break but prefers to think it's all just the drugs and trauma, which is why it takes him so long to actually decide to quit using bc he doesn't want to lose that excuse if this is all denial and he's really losing it.

-(He also stops writing his mom during this time. as terrible as he feels about it, he can't handle her disease right now, not if he has it too)

-Time passes, no one finds out exactly what's going on. I do think he'd tell Morgan a little bit bc there's no way Morgan would let this go but as alarmed as Morgan is, he also thinks this is just PTSD too.

-But anyways he eventually finds out this is all real. I don't know how, maybe Tobias is actually able to touch him or maybe he talks to him and Reid realizes he isn't making this up himself.

-So he gets clean (in this au Tobias helps him get through it) and life goes on and is fairly normal. besides y'know being able to talk to a ghost.

-And eventually he discovers its not just Tobias he can talk to.

I hope people like this bc I actually am probably going to post about this a lot. I have more ideas but this is like the "origin story".

Also when Tobias dies, he isn't Charles or Raphael anymore so Reid is only talking to him. I know DID systems aren't as simple as portrayed in the show but I'm writing it this way bc I want Reid and Tobias to be close in this au (there was so much tension between them in Revelations tbh). Also I don't think this would all happen this way if Charles and Raphael are still there. So Reid and Tobias become friends and Tobias is free from his father now. He's actually more ok in this afterlife than he ever was before. And he helps Reid out a lot too, especially with dilaudid cravings and convincing him to go to meetings and to open up to the team about it. Which Reid eventually listens to.

Thanks for reading all this if you did and definitely expect more on this :)

[homoose]

ok idk if this is a weird blurb request but i would love to see your perspective on spencer finding the beauty of life again after prison, remembering that he is free and loved 📝

I’m sorry this took so long!!!! I had zero inspiration for it for a bit!

tw prison!spencer and mentions of general reid!trauma

———

It started with the doors. JJ caught it the first time— had to murmur it’s not locked when he stood perfectly, painfully still, waiting for it to open. He had to actively remember that the doors wouldn’t just... open when someone, somewhere pushed a button to let him move from one space to the next.

Next, it was the dreams. He’d had nightmares before of course. Nightmares where his brain conjured up possibilities of what had happened to Riley, or relived the nights in the shed with Tobias, or tortured him with Maeve and Diane just out of his reach. Now, it was a steady rotation of those, but with the added layer of clanging doors and sock gags and beatings in the dark. There was also an undercurrent of anticipation to every dream— the ominous feeling of something coming, though he was never sure exactly what or when.

But perhaps the worst was the way he couldn’t quite figure out how to establish a consistent routine. He’d always been a lover of procedure and predictability. He’d had to operate that way in order to manage and juggle all of the responsibilities that came with being the son of Diana Reid, the child prodigy, the certified genius, the exception to every FBI protocol.

For three months, his routine had been the strictest it had ever been. He ate, bathed, walked, and slept at the same time every day— but he only ate so that he’d have the strength to fight off Milos. His showers were watched and timed. He walked the same path to the same bleak destinations. He slept only when he had to, only when he physically could not keep his eyes open any longer. There was consistency, but no freedom.

The minute that his mom was safe and settled— staying the night in the LaMontagne’s guest room— he’d slipped between the cotton sheets of his bed and slept for fourteen hours. He’d woke in the mid-afternoon, showered in his bathroom with his shampoo and his body wash. He’d brewed coffee in his coffee maker and doctored it with as much milk and sugar as he wanted. He’d read three of his favorite books in one sitting. He’d picked up his mom and brought her home and was momentarily able to focus on taking care of her routines.

When he moved her into Brookfield and had his apartment to himself, the quiet was almost unbearable. It was this fact that brought him to one of the first moments of joy. He played every vinyl he owned in the first two weeks out of prison, before mentioning to Penelope that he was looking to broaden his music tastes. She’d showed up to his apartment with a glint in her eye, and he’d ended the afternoon with a Spotify Premium account loaded onto his laptop. Every Friday morning, he woke up early to listen to the Release Radar and Discover Weekly playlists curated by his listening habits.

After the initial desire to be alone, Spencer found himself craving the company of everyone. He had Saturday morning brunches with Tara and Emily. He and Penelope had a standing Weird Wednesday™ where they took turns curating a strange film and pairing it with an odd food combination. He spent increasing amounts of time with Will, JJ, and the boys. He went on a hike (walk) with Luke. He played a round of golf with Rossi and Matt.

He drank a little less coffee and a little more water. He booked a therapist. He did more magic. He read more books just for fun. He gave more hugs. He said more thank yous, more I appreciate yous, more I love yous. And he got a lot of them back.

A year after his release, he was more at peace than he’d ever been. He still had the occasional nightmare, still had moments of guilt and grief. But there was a lightness to him that he’d never felt, even before prison. Even before Maeve. Even before that shed in Georgia.

He felt good.

And when he locks eyes with you for the fifth time over his paper coffee cup, he feels even better. And when you approach him with a bright smile and an offer of a refill, he finds himself saying yes. And he finds that the feeling of something coming isn’t so ominous anymore.

[babymetaldoll]

DIWK - Chapter four: "Hurt"

Words count: 13,7K

The gif is mine ✨

Warnings: Hardcore Spencer trauma. Mention of drug abuse,  torture, Criminal Minds usual case triggers. Spoilers of Season 2 E14/15 Criminal Minds.

Summary: An unsub abducts Spencer, and reader blames JJ for it.

A/N: Have you ever wished you were there to save Spencer from Tobias Hankel? I know I have. I know reader wants to... I'm dying to know what you'll think of this chapter! Sorry if it's a little too graphic, writing Spencer's POV of this episode was really hard.

Series Masterlist

Chapter one | Chapter two | Chapter three | Chapter four | Chapter five | Chapter six | Chapter seven | Chapter eight | Chapter nine | Chapter ten | Chapter eleven | Chapter twelve | Chapter thirteen | Chapter fourteen | Chapter fifteen |

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

(Y/N)'s point of view

I remember the day Emily Prentiss arrived. We had a case in Saint Louis. Two serial killers, 'cos it couldn't just be one asshole making everyone miserable. And on top of all, Hotch was confused and upset 'cos he never signed Emily's transfer to the BAU. It was like someone was trying to force her into the team, and we all thought it was weird.

We left the bullpen off to the case and left Prentiss in the office, not knowing if she actually got the job or not. I know Elle and I weren't incredibly close, but it still felt weird to think someone might join the team and try to replace her. It didn't work that way in that job. It didn't feel right at the moment.

There is something I also distinctly remember about that day: Gideon talked to me. And not only that, but he actually trusted my knowledge. We hadn't been on the best terms for a few months, so that approach meant a lot to me.

We were at the police station. Reid and I had been analyzing the letters one of the killers had sent to a journalist to find something that might help us catch him before there were any more victims. That's when JJ and Jason walked in, and he asked about our progress.

- "He only sent this to an individual, which shows he is not confident enough to initiate contact with the masses."- Spencer explained as he projected an image of the letter on the wall.

- "Emotional indicators are analyzed through slants, and you can see the shooter maintains vertical, narrow letter writing, and both are signs of repression"- I said and pointed at the image on the wall- "And the pressure, if you look closely, it's excessively heavy, which shows that he's uptight and can easily overreact."

Gideon looked at me and nodded. It was my cue to keep on talking. For once in a long time, I was feeling approved by him.

- "You got all that from his handwriting?"- JJ asked me, surprised. Reid looked at me from the other side of the room, and I could feel his smile reflecting how proud he was of me.

- "Graphology is an effective and reliable indicator of personality and behavior."

- "But my writing is always different,"- she added, and I nodded. I was waiting for that comment.

- "Yes, because it represents your emotions at the moment, just like your facial expressions parallel the way you are feeling while you are speaking."

- "What else can we know about our unsub from this?"- Gideon asked me.

- "Well, our killer uses simple statements, all first person, like "I won't be ignored," which means he's obviously tired of feeling this way. He may have a job in solitude or one that he feels strips of his identity. His work might require him to wear a uniform, something that shows absolutely no individuality, or he may be overqualified for his menial job and feels that he doesn't get the respect that he necessarily deserves."

I made a pause and waited for his words. I was giving my best, and I swear I was still hoping I could ever get Jason Gideon's blessing.

- "I think we are ready to give a profile,"- he said and nodded.

And damn, that felt good.

When we were back in Quantico, Hotch had a long and clearly awkward conversation with the section chief, Erin Strauss. She was scary. She was clearly trying to get rid of Hotch, questioning his work daily, decisions, and how he managed the team. Why? I have no idea.

It felt she forced him to accept Prentiss into the team. We were one man down after Elle left. Ok, one awesome woman down, so we definitely needed some help. And Emily was a great addition from day one.

We clicked right away. Prentiss was funny, smart, but most of all, she constantly had to prove she deserved to be there. Just like me. Gideon gave her the cold shoulder from day one, and that I could relate. The only difference was that she won him over in a few days, though. I was still trying to win that battle.

Garcia decided we needed a girl's night, and she hosted the first of many "BAU Girl Power get together." Basically, it was us at Penelope's place drinking and talking.

That first night, we updated Prentiss with everything that had happened with Elle. She wanted to know everything about us, what we did, how long we've been on the team, and how we all got along. It was sweet and fresh. After that year in the BAU, I had already learned to enjoy the sweet things in life. Like getting drunk with my work girlfriends.

- "So, does Hotch ever smile?"- Emily asked, and we all laughed at the very same time. Yes, it was getting late, and we weren't as sober as we should have been.

- "He does! he does!"- JJ assured us- "You should see him with his baby."

- "He is a dad?"- Emily was shocked. I was surprised too when I found out Aaron was married and with a baby. The amount of time he spends at work always made me feel he had zero personal life.

- "And has a beautiful wife"- JJ added- "He is always laughing when he is with her and baby Jack."

- "I guess this job can drain the happiness from your day... "- I thought out loud, but before anyone could say anything about my dark and bitter comment, my cell phone rang.

- "Hey honey bunny, everything ok?"- I stood up and walked to the kitchen. I didn't want to interrupt the girl's conversations.

- "Yes, I just wanted to make sure you were drinking enough water between drinks"- I laughed and shook my head. Only Reid could call to say such a thing. He was the sweetest friend on earth.

- "Yes, I am, don't worry. I'm not going to be hungover or drunk tomorrow. I know you are excited about the new exposition."

- "You are gonna love it!"

- "I am sure I will"- and I wasn't kidding. I loved when he dragged me to the Smithsonian or any museum for some nerdy fun.

- "Have fun with the girls."

- "What are you doing, by the way?"

- "Just reading a little, you left your complete Sherlock Holmes collection here, so I'll be solving mysteries while you get drunk."

- "Don't have too much fun without me"- he chuckled and ended the call. I smiled and walked back to the girls looking at me with a funny grin on their faces.

- "Was that your boyfriend?"- Penelope asked me, and I frowned right away.

- "No, it was Reid. He just wanted to confirm we are going to the museum tomorrow."

- "Wait"- Prentiss narrowed her brows and looked at us confused- "Reid ain't your boyfriend?"

JJ and Garcia's laughter was epical, as well as my frown. They nearly gasped for air while Prentiss and I waited until they calmed down.

- "No"- I finally answered- "Reid is not my boyfriend."

- "He is more than that; he is her work husband,"- Penelope clarified, and I turned to her with my mouth wide open, shocked.

- "What the fuck? Reid ain't my work husband. He is my best friend!!"

- "Yes, and you happen to call your best friend "honey bunny," right?"- JJ questioned, just like she had a few months before when we were alone in our room away on a case.

- "Reid is my best friend, and yes, I call all my close friends by weird pet names. You will get one too if you are lucky."

- "But I thought"- Emily continued- "I mean, he looks at you like you are his sun."

- "No, Prentiss, the only coupe in this team is the one between "chocolate thunder" and "baby girl" right here"- I pointed at Garcia, and she just blushed and covered her face.

- "My love for Derek will burn forever with the intensity of a thousand suns. I mean, have you seen that man? he was made by the gods and sent to earth just to give my existence some sense"- we all laughed at those cheesy words, though Pen was serious about them.

- "But, have you ever...?- JJ looked at her and made a pause. We were all looking at every single facial movement or behavior she might show to read her body language."

- "My relationship with my loverman could never be tainted by something as mundane as sex."

- "Like you wouldn't lick honey from that six-pack and ride that thunder."

The words just left my lips, and I blame the buzz. BAU (Y/N) would have never said that. Drunk (Y/N) would, totally.

The girls laughed until tears fell from their eyes, and I just chuckled, honestly happy to make them laugh. I had been more of the real me than I had ever actually been around them in nearly a year.

- "Hello?"- my phone rang again when I was walking out of the bathroom. And this time, it was Paul.

- "Hey babe, what are you doing?"

- "Hey, I'm..."- I looked at the girls in front of me and sighed- "I'm stuck with paperwork"- and they turned to me immediately. I could read the "What the fuck" on their faces.

- "Well, I'm at Rob's in case you feel like dropping by. We are writing a few songs."

- "I'll text you if I finish with this early, but... have fun."

- "Ok, bye"- I hung up and sighed.

- "And that was..."- Prentiss asked, frowning.

- "My boyfriend,"- I explained and grabbed another beer

- "Sure, I could feel the passion,"- Garcia joked, but I just didn't think it was funny.

I knew my relationship with Paul wasn't alright. Actually, things with Paul weren't. Period. We were done, it was apparent, but still, neither of us had said it. That relationship was just a few phone calls every once in a while, only to make small talks. When we were together, we would just watch a movie, eat something, drink a few beers, and that was it. It had been a long time since we had sex or even made out. I don't know why I didn't end it sooner. I guess I was just afraid to do it.

But I let more months pass before I actually did something.

Spencer's point of view

I'm not proud of what happened that year after Prentiss joined the team. I think that year changed me profoundly, and a part of me never fully recovered afterward.

Maybe it had to be that way, and it was something I had to go through to grow up. I guess I'm still trying to make some sense of all the misery I put my friends through. Mostly (Y/N). She was in hell with me.

A few weeks after New Year, we started working on a case. Someone was killing wealthy people in their own homes. At first, we thought there were two unsubs, 'cos one of them called 911 after killing, and you could hear them struggling and arguing. But no, it was just one.

Tobias Hankel was a delusional serial killer. He had split personalities, not two but actually three. His father, the one who tortured me. The archangel Raphael, who was trying to make God's will, killing people. And himself, who wanted to save me, but instead, he nearly destroyed me.

What do I remember about the day he kidnapped me? I remember I was stupid enough to try to catch an unsub alone, just to prove I could take care of myself on the field. Hotch sent me and JJ to talk to Hankel at his house, 'cos apparently, he might have seen the unsub months earlier. But no, he was the unsub, and neither JJ nor me could stop him.

We hid in a barn, and I was so eager to prove I could catch him; I told JJ we had to split up to cover the place. I was counting on Hotch to get there with the team sooner than they did, and before I realized it, I was in the middle of a cornfield, and Hankel was pointing at me with my own gun.

I was sure I was going to die right there. All of Hankel's personalities were struggling inside of him. I couldn't stop thinking about why I thought I could do it on my own? Why had I been a reckless asshole? Was it because I wanted to prove I was an excellent SAA? Because I wanted to impress JJ? Maybe I tried to convince myself I could do the same job my team did. I knew I wasn't the most physical person, but I had a gun. I had been trained to capture killers.

Yes, I was an asshole that day, and I've regretted everything that happened that night many, many times in the following years.

When I woke up, I was tied to a chair, and the archangel Raphael had taken Hankel's mind completely. The room was dark, and it smelled awful. He was burning fish hearts and livers, 'cos he believed it kept the devil away.

I was confused and lost. My head was spinning, and my heart was about to burst into my chest. I knew I could die any second now. Raphael wasn't the one to show mercy. That's what I had learned from all the videos Hankel had uploaded to the web. He had shared with the world every murder they had committed to show the other sinners what was going to happen to them.

- "They believe you can see inside men's minds"- Raphael looked at me with dark eyes, implying he meant Tobias and his father

- "It's not true. I study human behavior."- my voice was shaking. I knew I had never been more scared in my entire life. He took out a gun and showed me one bullet.

- "Do you know what this is? It's God's will."

Things didn't look good for me. He put it in the cylinder of the revolver and spun it. He was going to let my life to luck.

- "You don't have to do this"- I tried to talk him out of it, though I knew it wasn't going to work.

- "No go, sinners, to your God."

And he pressed the trigger.

What went through my mind the seconds that passed between having the gun pointed to my face and realizing I had lived? My mom. All I could think of was how my mom would react to the news of my death. I could never bear to hurt her like that. I couldn't die. I couldn't leave her alone.

I sighed, relieved, and bit my lips not to cry. Raphael looked at me with a blank expression and walked out of the room. I had survived for now.

I struggled with my handcuff, but it was useless. My head was killing me. I could feel the open wound on my head, still dripping blood on my temple and head. I tried to focus on the pain for a few minutes, just to make sure I was awake. It was a nightmare, and keeping myself sane and conscious under those circumstances was nearly impossible.

How was I going to get out of there alive? Did the team know where I was? I had no idea where I had been taken. I had been unconscious the whole way. It was dark, and I couldn't see much around me. I wasn't afraid of that darkness. I was more fearful of the man that left me alone, 'cos he was armed and mentally unstable. Darkness had nothing on him.

I had to focus on the things that kept me sane. The things that made me want to get out of that room alive.

- "My name is Spencer Walter Reid. I'm twenty-five years old, my mother's name is Diana Reid, I was born in Las Vegas, October 28th, 1981."

I closed my eyes and tried to think of all the things that made me happy.

- "I work at the BAU, my best friend's name is (Y/N), and she sits at the desk in front of me. Derek Morgan is the closest I've got to an older brother."

He was. He still is. You have to be close to dead to start seeing things clearly sometimes. Derek was my brother. He treated me like a kid, but a kid brother. He was always teasing me, trying to teach me how to pick up girls, trying to drag me to the gym with him. Derek was a good friend, we were very different, and I knew if we had been classmates in high school, we would probably never have talked. He was a jock, and I was a nerd. But life had brought us together. And now I couldn't think of a better friend than him.

I tried to focus on my happiest memories. My birthday came to mind. The guys had planned a Halloween-themed birthday party at the conference room of the BAU. Of course, Garcia baked a cake and (Y/N) helped her decorate it. It was incredible, 'cos it was covered with tiny gourds and skulls.

- "Frank and Mikey sent you these,"- she announced after everybody had given me their presents. I wide opened my eyes in shock 'cos I had no idea her friends knew it was my birthday or even cared about it.

- "Why?"- I had to ask.

- "'Cos they think you are amazing. They actually wanted to come over to your house and have a few beers tonight."- I opened my mouth to say something, but Derek interrupted me.

- "Pretty boy is gonna get to work hungover again."

- "Shut up"- (Y/N) and I said at the same time, making everybody chuckle. I opened the present her friends had sent me and laughed right away.

- "Lucky Doc"- I read and took out of the bag a Sports Illustrated issue with Lila Archer on the cover. My cheeks turned red immediately.

- "Frank still hasn't overcome that story. I think he will hate you forever"- (Y/N) laughed (along with the rest of the team) and gave me another present.

- "They also sent you this. They said you were going to like the man in black"- it was a Johnny Cash's vinyl- "Frank picked it. He thinks he is some sort of musical psychic that can read people's taste in music."

- "We should get together and have a few beers one of these days. I need to thank them for these."

Gideon looked at me in silence as soon as I said those words. But I didn't care if he disapproved. I was going to be (Y/N)'s friend, whether he liked it or not.

He is the closest I've had to a dad in the latest years. He cares about me, and he tries to make the best of me that he can. Yes, he can be too apprehensive. I think that's a way to put it. But only because he wants me to be the best profiler I can be.

I never thought I would end up working at the BAU. I never thought I would love the job I do as much as I do. Back when I was in college, I thought I would dedicate my life to finding a cure for schizophrenia, but I ended up hunting serial killers across the country.

And though I was about to die, I didn't regret any of the decisions that led me there.

The morning found me shaking, cold, and scared. I was in a small cabin in the woods. Just like the worst and more cliché horror movie ever made. This was my own horror movie.

- "What are you staring at, boy?"- Tobias opened the front door carrying logs for the fire. His voice had changed yet again, so I knew it wasn't the same person I had talked to the night before.

- "You are not Raphael."- I whispered, looking at every movement he did.

- "Do I look like Raphael?"- had I insulted him? I couldn't tell. He turned to the fire, and I took a deep breath, doing my best to stay calm.

- "Thank you for burning those, for keeping us safe."- I said, looking at the fish hearts and livers he was preparing to put on the fire.

- "Don't try to trick me."

- "I would never try to trick you."

- "You are a liar."

- I'm not a liar."- it was hard to stay calm and not start screaming for help or mercy, but I knew that was going to take me nowhere with him.

- "Lying is a sin."

- "I'm not a liar."- he walked closer to me, and sat right in front of me, held my leg up, and grabbed my foot.

- "This will be over quickly if you just confess your sins."

- "I am not a sinner"- I whispered again. He took off my shoe.

- "We are all sinners."- it didn't look good for me, not at all, and I knew I had to talk to him with his words with his beliefs to save my life.

- "The Lord spake unto Moses saying "Speak unto all the congregation of the children of the lord" and say unto them, ye shall be holy, for I, the Lord your God, am holy."

Hankel, this time in the personality of his father, looked at me surprised. I might have done something right, 'cos he stopped moving, and for a second, I thought it was going to be ok.

- "You know Leviticus."

- "I know every word of the bible. I can recite it for you."- but his eyes turned dark again.

- "The devil knows how to read too."

- "I'm not a devil, I'm not a devil2- I repeated, and couldn't stop shaking, 'cos my life on the hands of a sociopath.

- "I'm a man, my name is Spencer Reid, and I have a mother, and I have a father just like you, and they taught me the bible, let me recite the bible."

My voice cracked at the knowledge of what he was going to do. He stood up, still holding my foot. He was going to torture me, he was going to try to break me, and I had to be strong. I didn't know how I would find the strength, but I had to be strong.

- "Time to confess, Spencer Reid"- and without further notice, he slapped a log against my foot, making me scream in pain. It hurt from the tip of my toes until the back of my skull. I hadn't felt that kind of pain, and it was worse knowing he was just getting started. Tears started falling down my cheeks in no time.

- "Confess!"

- "I don't have anything to confess."- I whimpered and closed my eyes, 'cos I knew he was going to continue his torture. And so he did. The pain was excruciating. I was sure I was going to pass out

I tried to go to a happy place in my head, somewhere when I could hide from all that pain. It was too hard, though. It hurt too much. I kept repeating over and over again I wasn't a sinner, begging Hankel for mercy, as he shouted I had to confess.

I made an effort to think about what he might want me to say. What did he want me to confess? Which sins was he talking about? But nothing came to my mind, nothing but the pain and the fear of dying.

(Y/N)'s point of view

The second we reached Hankel's cabin, I started looking for Spencer. I had a horrible feeling about it. Morgan and I headed it to a barn with Prentiss. There was no sign of anyone. It was dark and quiet. Never a good sign.

- "Shit!"- I whispered, staring at three dead dogs and a bath of blood in front of me. There laid the body of another victim that was missing from Hankel's last attack.

- "FBI!!"- JJ shouted suddenly. She was pointing his gun to us, clearly in shock- "Don't move!!"

- "JJ, it's Morgan, (Y/L/N), and Prentiss! Don't shoot"- Derek tried to calm her down, walking towards her- "Are you hurt?"- she lowered the gun and stared at us. You could read the fear and the trauma in her eyes.

- "Tobias Hankel is the unsub,"- she whispered as Prentiss rubbed her arm sweetly, trying to comfort her.

- "Yeah, we know"- I moved towards her too and put my gun back into the holster.

- "And we thought he was just a witness"- we looked around, and JJ pointed at the dead dogs.

- "JJ, where is Reid?"- Derek asked her, but she just continued talking.

- "They completely tore her apart"

- "JJ, look at me,"- I said and held her arm carefully- "Look at me, where's Reid?"- she was shaking, and her voice was cracking. I knew she was making her best effort to pull herself together.

- "We split up. He said he was going to go in the back."

And there it was. That was the reason why I had a bad feeling all along. Derek looked at me and nodded as we read each other's minds. The two of us turned around and ran outside, leaving JJ with Prentiss, waiting for the medical team and ambulance to check on her wounds.

Gideon and Hotch were inside the cabin, looking for Hankel, but there was no one there. And there was no sign of Reid behind the barn either, in the cornfield, or anywhere in the perimeter. Reid was nowhere to be found, and I started losing it little by little. I tried to repeat myself the words Hotch had said many times during my year in the BAU: "when you are out there with the team; your mind has to be one hundred percent on the case." But the case had never included my best friend missing before.

- "Hey, is there any sign of him yet?- I asked the police chief as I reached the ambulance. He was there talking with JJ, making sure she was ok.

- "We got every one of our units on the road. He won't make it far"- I nodded and watched him walk away. I knew he thought I was talking about Hankel, but I actually meant Reid.

I turned to JJ and moved a little closer to her. Her eyes open wide, staring back at me.

- "You can't find Reid?"- I just shook my head and tried to sound as casual as I could, not to freak her out. She was still in shock. I didn't want to make it worse.

- "Not yet"

- "(Y/N)"- Derek held my arm and forced me to walk away from the ambulance.- "Reid followed him into the cornfield. It looks like somebody got dragged."

My heart stopped. Did the psychopath hurt Spencer? Did he kill him? Did he torture him? Was he hurt? Was he alive? Where was he? Derek looked at me, and I nodded. I bit my lips and took a deep breath. Hotch's words were my mantra now: "your mind has to be one hundred percent on the case."

- "Are you sure?"- we turned to the police's chief, overhearing his conversation- "We are on our way now."

- "What's going on?"

- "The sheriff down two towns over, he just gave directions to a man who fit Hankel's descriptions. It's to a motor lodge in fort bend."

- "Let's get Hotch and Gideon"- Derek held my arm and walked with me to the cabin. We had to find Reid, and we had to do it fast.

That was the worst night of my life. The first worst night of my life, to be sincere. I didn't close an eye. I went through every paper, every note, every detail in that cabin, trying to find a clue that could lead us to where Tobias had taken Reid.

I felt someone had ripped my heart from my chest. I had to think straight, and to do it, I had to keep a cold head. But as the hours passed, it became a more demanding and more challenging task to complete. I knew the whole team was suffering, but that didn't ease my pain. And I knew JJ felt guilty, but that didn't stop me from blaming her in my mind. She left him alone. I would have never left Spencer alone on the field.

- "(Y/N), you should try to get some rest."

Derek whispered as he sat on the floor next to me, where I had been sitting for the last half hour, reading Tobias's old diaries. Nothing but fear of his father, mentions of Dilaudid use, and bible transcriptions.

- "I'm ok,"- I answered and didn't even take my eyes from the pages.

- "(Y/N), I mean it"

- "I'm not going to rest if he is out there in the hands of a psychopath, Derek"- I had to bite my lips and shut the fuck up, 'cos if I said one more word, I knew I was going to burst into tears.

Morgan just wrapped an arm around my shoulders and moved me closer to him. That was the first time I let him hug me, and it felt good to know I wasn't alone in my desperation. I knew he loved Reid like a brother, and neither of us was going to stop until we found him.

- "Welcome to our nightmare"- JJ's voice broke the silence we had been into for the last hour when Hotch walked into the cabin with Penelope.

It was morning already. There were still no signs of Reid. Prentiss, Gideon, JJ, and I had been sitting at the table, reading everything we could.

- "His computer is an extension of his brain. I need you to dissect it,"- Gideon whispered to García. You could feel the concern in his voice. She just nodded in shock and turned to Derek, who held her hand and helped her get set up in the computer room.

- "So, nothing new since I left?"- Hotch asked and looked at us. I just shook my head and continued reading.

- "Well, the good thing is the guy documented practically every second of his life"- Prentiss words took me from the pages I was reading. I looked at her and raised an eyebrow. The concept of "good" was poorly used in that phrase.

- "The bad news is, we are still un-piling,"- she added and sighed.

- "From the looks of it, he hasn't left this place in years,"- JJ managed to say. She made her best effort to be useful, but she was in worse shape than everybody else. Yet, that didn't make me feel bad for her. I was mad at her and kept making my best to put it aside, 'cos my head had to be in the case.

- "He knew he could pretend to be looking for a motel and throw us off his trail,"- Emily inferred, but I shook my head as soon as I heard her.

- "No, no, no, it's more than that!"- I shook my head and took a deep breath- "Sheriff's office, 911 calls, every time he engages the police and gets away with it... he reassures himself, God's on his side. Not ours."- I added.

Gideon nodded, and we shared a moment of agreement. He was as worried as I was. I could feel it. I'm not saying the rest of the team wasn't, I'm saying Jason was as fucked up as I was, and I could sense he was having the same trouble I had making sure my head and not my sentiments were into the case.

But if anything happened to Reid, I didn't know what I was capable of doing.

At a certain point, I got sick of reading and not doing anything and decided to look around the house again if we had missed anything. Derek went along. One part of me felt he wanted to stay away from JJ too. Maybe he was as mad as I was about her leaving Reid alone. I know I couldn't blame her, but I did it anyway.

- "Guys!! I think I've got something!"- Derek yelled, and I ran over. He opened a door that led to a basement. I walked right behind him, pointing my gun and my flashlight all over. But there was no sign of Reid.

- "Tobias Hankel!!"- Morgan shouted. Someone was sitting in what looked to be a gigantic freezer- "Tobias!"- but we didn't get any response. I took a step closer and examined carefully.

- "Morgan, I think we just found Hankel's father."

Spencer's point of view

On my second night in that cabin, I met Tobias. The third personality of Hankel walked into the room, carrying what seemed to be a dead deer. He looked as frightened as I was.

- "You need to eat."

- "What's your name?"

- "Tobias."

- "Tobias, who was here before?"

- "Probably my father."

He looked at me up and down, and he immediately understood what he had done to me. It was scary how he could dissociate. Someone with multiple personality disorder is usually unaware of the other personality states and memories when an alter is dominant. In this case, Tobias knew the other personalities but considered them different persons. He didn't think they were all in his head.

- "I'm sorry if he hurt you."

He looked at me like he understood everything I had been going through. Maybe he had been through something similar when his father was alive. Perhaps he had been a victim of Hankel as well, and that's what triggered his psychopathic nature.

He walked over and took out his belt.

- "What are you doing?"- he wrapped it around my arm, and I started begging him to stop.

- "It helps"- he took out of his pocket a needle and a small bottle of what seemed to be some kind of drug.

- "Don't tell my father. He doesn't know they are here."

- "Please, I don't want it, I don't want it, please"- I cried and begged.

- "It helps. I know"- it was the last thing Tobias said before the needle found my vein.

And he was right. It helped. Every single amount of pain I was feeling disappeared. My brain shut down. Somehow, everything was ok. I never had in my entire life felt so good before.

My mind kept flashing memories of when I was a kid. I kept seeing images of the day my father left and how he called my mother crazy.

- "You are weak"- mom spit those words after he refused to take me with him. I know she said it not because she didn't want me with her, but because mom knew she was sick and wanted the best for me. And he refused.

- "I'm not weak."- I whispered as I looked at her smiling back at me.

- "I know, honey."

I don't know how long I was drugged, but when I woke up, Tobias wasn't there with me anymore. It was his father.

And the torture continued.

(Y/N)'s point of view

Gideon was trying to convince me to go out with Prentiss and JJ to see a Narcotics anonymous's contact that might give us more information about Tobias. Emily had found some flyers about it in his room, and it could be the only lead we had to find him and Reid.

- "You need to get out of this house for a while"- he whispered and tapped on my back.

I knew he wasn't the one to be loving or physical with people, less with me. But that moved me. I turned to him and my eyes watered up. I was scared, and I couldn't hide it anymore. The more hours passed, the fewer the chances were to find Spencer safe. Alive.

I felt his arms around me suddenly, holding me tight, trying to keep the pieces of me together. We were alone on the porch, and though I didn't want to fall apart, I couldn't hold it anymore.

Jason didn't say a word. He just hugged me and let me cry for a few minutes. I didn't say anything either. I actually couldn't because I was overwhelmed with everything.

- "Are you ready, (Y/N)?"

Prentiss whispered as she walked over with JJ. I turned my back at them for a second to hide the tears that kept falling down my cheeks. I knew it was a shitty thing to do, 'cos it was obvious I had been sobbing, but they gave me the courtesy of not saying anything.

- "You go, I need (Y/N)'s assistance with some diary entries"- the two of them walked away quietly, and thankfully, didn't argue with Gideon.

- "Thank you,"- I whispered and felt his hand on my shoulder one more time.

- "You are doing a fantastic job,"- he said and turned around.

I wish I could tell you that made me feel better, but instead, I just thought I had the duty to bring my friend back home safe.

It had been at least an hour since the girls left. Morgan, Hotch, Gideon, and the police chief were in the living room with me, reading. I sipped my hundredth cup of coffee and re-read the same diary entry for the third time.

- "There's something weird going on here."- I thought out loud and walked towards Gideon

- "You think?"- the police chief turned to me and raised an eyebrow, ironically.

- "No, seriously, check this out. This journal is filled with religious ramblings. He notated hour by hour: "November 15th, 3:17, if ye offer a sacrifice of peace offering unto the Lord, ye shall offer it at your own will", and it goes on and on: 5:04, 7:41, 10:22, 1:42."

I made a short pause and looked at Gideon and Hotch. They didn't get where I was going.

- "But then, it goes blank for days."

- "Maybe he got sick of writing"- I seriously hated that police chief.

- "I think I got it"- Hotch whispered- "Journal entry: "December 6th. Father is sick. He wants me to put him down. I say thou shalt not kill. He said, honor thy father. Must pray for guidance."

- "So he kills his father as an act of mercy?"- Gideon asked, knowing the answer.

- "This is two months ago. Tobias Hankel's father had been dead for four months already."

- "That's exactly it"- I murmured, thinking Tobias Hankel was way more fucked up than we thought.

- "Look at the floor"- Derek pointed at a chair and moved it- "These scuffs marks are fresh. It's like two people were pushing the chairs constantly, trying to fight for control."

- "So?"- I swear to God, that chief was driving me insane.

- "This journal matches Charles Hankel's handwriting, but it was written after he died"- I explained. Still, it felt he wasn't following me.

- "What do you mean?"

- "Upstairs, Tobias' bedroom got junk piled from floor to ceiling, but the other bedroom could pass a military inspection."

- "So, are you telling me one of Tobias' personalities was his father?"

Apparently, I had to draw a picture so the chief would get it. Fortunately, Gideon continued explaining the whole problem before I lost what was left of my patience.

- "Well, Tobias was raised with a strict religious code, black and white, right and wrong. When his father asked Tobias to kill him, something had to give."

- "His brain couldn't handle the moral contradiction, so he split into two personalities to keep his father alive."

Hotch tried to put it most easy and simple words possible.

- "So, who is Raphael?"

- "My guess, he is a mediator between the two"- Gideon nodded at my words and sighed.

- "Angels have no human emotions, live or die. They don't care, as long it's God's will."

- "We need to start profiling Tobias' father. He may be the one who chose where to take Reid."

Finally, I felt we were going somewhere.

When Emily and JJ came back, they gave us the news. Tobias was addicted to Dilaudid, which explained the fracture in his mind, and how he lived with three distinct personalities.

The police chief announced a computer store robbery, giving us some hopes that Tobias would use them to track him down.

- "Guys!! Guys!! get in here!!- I heard Derek shouting and I ran to the computer room. I felt sick in the stomach in less than a second. There he was, Spencer. My Spencer Walter Reid, tied to a chair, bleeding, shoeless. Clearly tortured.

- "He's been beating,"- I whispered, feeling my eyes water up. I would have given anything to be there instead of him.

- "Can you track him?!"- JJ yelled by my side, and I nearly smacked her. That's how sensitive I was feeling.

- "Hankel's only streaming this to his home computer."- Garcia whispered. And my heart dropped with those words.

That wasn't what I was supposed to hear. We were supposed to find him and bring him back safe.

- "This is for us"- Gideon didn't take his eyes from the screen- "He knows we are here."

- "I'm gonna put this guy's head on a stick"- Morgan was so mad I believed him. I wanted to do the same, if worse.

- "I'm gonna kill him myself as soon as we find him,"- I said and felt Aaron's hand on my shoulder as he asked Garcia

- "Why can't you locate him?"

- "He's rerouting to a different IP address every 30 seconds. I can't track him."

It knew it had to be hard if Penelope couldn't find her, but that didn't help. If anything, it made everything worse. I felt powerless. Hankel couldn't be more intelligent than us.

Spencer's point of view

- "Are you ready, boy?"- Hankel pulled my hair and forced me to look at him. I was still as high as fuck, but knew I was about to be tortured again.

- "Ready for what?"

- "My weakling son thinks God gave you to him for a reason"- if the reason was to get me into drugs, then the answer was yes.

Hankel placed a video camera in front of me.

- "Can you really see inside men's minds?"- he asked me and made a pause, pointing to three screens- See these vermin?

It took me a second to realize he was showing me images of real people. He had put cameras in those people's houses. How? When? What kind of sick game did he want me to play with him?

- "Choose one to die. I let you choose one to live."

- "No"- I didn't even think about my answer.

- "I thought you wanted to be some kind of savior."

- "You are a sadist and a psychotic break. You won't stop killing. Your word is not true."

I don't know if it was because of the drugs or because I hadn't eaten or drank any water in too long, but I was somehow resigned and tired of fighting.

- "The other heathens are watching- Hankel announced and pointed at the camera in front of me."

My eyes fixated on the camera right away. My team was watching me. (Y/N) was watching me. I didn't want to make her worry even more. I needed her to know I was ok. I know I wasn't, but I didn't want her to worry about me.

- "Choose a sinner to die, and I'll say the name and address of the person to be saved"- Hankel was sick. It was all a game, and religion was just an excuse to kill.

- "I won't get to choose who gets slaughtered and have you leave their remains behind like a poacher."

Hankel didn't like my answer, 'cos he grabbed me and pulled me up, looking into my eyes, insulted, annoyed, losing his temper.

- "Can you really see into my mind, boy?"

He was honestly scary, and it petrified me to think he could execute me right there, in front of the team, and I could never tell them how much they mean.

- "Can you see I'm not a liar?!"- he insisted. I nearly whimpered but made my best not to break- "Choose one to die and save a life. Otherwise, they are all dead."

He dropped me on the chair and turned around. It was clear he wasn't joking. I took a deep breath and nodded.

- "Alright, I'll choose who lives."

- "They are all the same"

My eyes traveled across all the monitors. It was nearly impossible to pick one person to live, knowing all the other people there would die. Hankel was sick, and I had to set a plan to escape because otherwise, I would end up dead.

- "Far right screen,"- I whispered. He turned around and nodded.

Then, he recited the name and address of the woman on the screen. I prayed for the team to find her before Hankel came after her too.

No. It wasn't Hankel this time.

- "Raphael,"- I whispered, and he nodded. I looked at the screen again. The woman we were watching picked up the phone. She was in her kitchen. He walked around, frowned, and turned to her computer. In a second, she had turned it off. My team had reached her. She was safe, I hoped.

Hankel turned the camera off and looked at me.

- "You've done your part. Now it's my turn."

I knew what that meant. It wasn't good.

He left the cabin, and all I could see were the monitors in front of me. Those people were going to die. They were going to die because I didn't pick them. I killed them. You don't need to pull a trigger to kill someone. I could never forget those words. And this time, they meant more than anytime before. I didn't press a trigger, but I had killed two innocent people. And I actually had to watch them die.

When I saw Rapahel walk into the victims' house, I tried to close my eyes and think of anything else. A part of me kept thinking he wasn't going to kill them. He just wanted to threaten me.

But not. Raphael slaughtered them.

I found myself craving whatever it was that Tobias had given me the night before. The drug in my veins had given me a kind of peace I had never felt. And I never thought I'd have either. The type of peace that can be addictive, 'cos it turns your head off. And God knows, sometimes I needed to turn my head off.

Remembering everything that has ever happened to me, especially all the awful things, wasn't a gift. It was a burden. And whatever it was that Tobias had put in my veins, it had taken that burden from my shoulders, at least for a couple of hours.

Who wouldn't want some more of that peace?

- "Reid!"- Gideon's voice took me from my thoughts. He was sitting right in front of the camera in the victim's house. He was there with Hotch and the police, investigating the crime scene.

- "If you are watching this, you are not responsible for this. You understand me? he is perverting God to justify murder. You are stronger than him. He can not break you."

I know he meant it. But I couldn't believe any of that, not after watching a family get slaughter just because I didn't pick them.

(Y/N)'s point of view

- "I thought you were going to try and get some rest,"- I said as JJ walked to me in silence. I made myself my hundredth cup of coffee, and she just showed up next to me, trying to engage in conversation, I guess.

- "Everybody else is working. I should be too."

- "We can handle it,"- I whispered and refused to look at her. I swear I was trying not to hate her, but it was getting harder and harder with every hour that passed without finding Reid.

- "It's funny, I keep thinking the one thing we need to crack this case is... well... Reid"- she chuckled, nervously and I just looked at her and nodded. I didn't even smile. I didn't move a muscle.

I didn't want to be with her, or anyone, as a matter of fact. And I wasn't going to hide it anymore. So I tried to walk away.

- "You think Reid and I should have stayed together at the barn, don't you?"

I stopped walking and looked at her. You could tell she was having a hard time facing the whole situation, and most of all, you could tell she felt guilty.

That really didn't stop me from being mad at her. I was trying to be the better woman during the investigation, but the uncertainty was getting on my nerves.

- "JJ, go get some rest,"- I tried to answer calmly, but I knew I was looking at her like she was dead to me.

- "I can tell that's what you are thinking, so..."

- "I just wanna get Spencer home safe."

- "But... if I had his back like I was supposed to do, he'd be here now"- and that was enough.

- "JJ, what the fuck do you want from me?"

- "I just...."- she was about to cry, you could tell- "I want someone to tell me the truth."

- "You want the truth? Ok, there you go: I would have never left him alone. None of this would have happened if I had been the one with him out there! 'cos I would never let anyone or anything hurt him!!"

I shouted. All the anger I had been feeling those days was finally getting off my chest. And fuck, it felt good.

- "You fucked it up, JJ, and if something happens to Spencer, I am never going to forgive you, never!"

JJ bit her lips, trying her best not to cry. But I still couldn't feel sorry for her.

- "Is that the truth you were looking for?"

- "(Y/L/N)?"- Hotch stood next to me with the most annoyed look in his eyes.

I knew I was out of line, but this wasn't about work anymore. This was personal. This was Reid we were talking about, and JJ had fucked it up. There was nothing to discuss.

- "What? You sent him with her, now she is here, and he isn't. What else is there to say?"

- "(Y/N)!"- Hotch followed me as I stormed out of the kitchen and out of the cabin- "(Y/N)! stop!"

- "What?!"- and I simply snapped- "Are you gonna suspend me for telling her the truth? Are you going to fire me for losing my shit while working a case!? Fine! I don't care! I don't give a fuck! All I care about right now is that my best friend is missing, and a fucking psychopath has him! That's all I can think of. That's all I've been thinking about for the last two days!"

I was yelling at Hotch. I was yelling at my unit chief. I was fucked. I knew he was going to fire me after that. But I couldn't help it. I was going insane. Tears kept falling from my eyes as I held my cup of coffee tight, holding onto it with my life.

- "(Y/N), we are all worried about Reid."

- "I know you are all worried. I am too, and I'm also afraid and mad and going fucking insane knowing I am standing here not knowing what to do to save him."

- "That doesn't give you the right to treat JJ like this is her fault"- I don't know if he was talking like my unit chief or like a father figure trying to end a fight between two of his kids.

- "Did she stay with Reid?"- I simply replied and looked at Hotch in the eyes- "Did she?"

- "She is not the only one who feels guilty, so do I. And I know I won't forgive myself if anything happens to Reid."

Hotch made a pause and tried to find a way to say what he wanted to say. The door opened, and Gideon walked to us. He knew what was going on, and he didn't say a thing. I was sure he had already heard everything. We weren't actually arguing quietly.

- "We are not getting any closer,"- Aaron finally said.

- "Reid is brilliant. He'll figure out how to survive"- Gideon's words were way more hopeful than my thoughts. In my mind, Reid was too scared to think of a way to escape.

- "You know, I always take advantage of Reid for his brain. But I never actually teach him how to deal with things emotionally."

Hotch whispered, and his words were filled with regret. I was filled with anger and anxiety, and I know the two of them felt the same. But they way better at handling their feelings.

- "Lead by example,"- Jason answered, probably trying to make him feel better.

- "What kind of example is that?"- I simply replied, and both of them stayed in silence.

I don't think my words helped Hotch, but I wasn't trying to do that either. I was just honest. And Hotch's emotional assistance was shit on the field. Even Gideon was better.

- "He'll make it,"- Jason reassured us and nodded- "Now stop arguing and go back to work."

Spencer's point of view

I was glad when Tobias came to me that night with a needle in his hand and put the drug into my vein. I needed some release after watching a family die 'cos I didn't save them.

- "I'm sorry I had to leave"- he excused himself, preparing the drug next to me.

- "You can leave again, and you can take me with you,"- I begged in a soft voice.

- "My father would be angry,"- he replied and didn't even look at me. This time, I didn't even argue when he wrapped the belt around my arm. I was even a little eager he'd do it faster.

- "Not if he can't find us."

- "He always finds me."

- "If you tell me where we are, my friends will come, and they'll save us."

He gave me a look, mixed with horror and resignation. It broke my heart to think for a moment of all the horrors that lead Tobias to be as sick as he was.

- "We can't be saved,"- he simply replied.

- "We can, we can, I promise. If you tell me where we are, I'll save us both."

- "Listen to me. It's not worth fighting."

Somehow, I understood why he said that. I was afraid and shaking but still did my best not to think of all the pain I was in, of the terror that haunted me day and night.

- "Tell me it doesn't make it better- he said and showed me the needle."

I couldn't say no, 'cos he was right. It did. The drugs made his horrible situation bearable. I could understand why someone decided to use something to avoid the pain. I had faced all and each one of the pain and horrors in my life sober. It was time life was a little bit sweeter, in a sick way.

I remembered being twelve. Mom had had one of her episodes the day before, she was in bed, and I woke her up. I walked into her room and opened the curtains. It was already five in the afternoon, and she still refused to get out of bed.

- "The doctor says you need to get out of bed,"- I argued when she repeated she was just resting.

- "I've been reading"

- "He says you need exercise"- she sighed and tried to make a joke.

- "That's because his idea of good literature is Our bodies, ourselves."

- "Well, he is your doctor."

- "He is a neanderthal"- I gave up and started walking out of the room. She just laid in bed and looked at me.

- "Where are you going?"

- "I'm going to see if Jeff wants to play"- Jeff was our next-door neighbor and my only friend growing up.

- "Come here. Let me read to you."

I know Garcia made fun of me when I said my mother used to read me Valentine's sonnets when I was a kid. Most people think I have a weird relationship with mom, but they don't understand what it was like growing up with her. They don't know what it was like for a twelve-year-old boy to finish high school, facing bullies. Handling the pressure of being a kid genius and the fact I had to take care of a schizophrenic mother.

How come I didn't start using drugs earlier?

I remember that afternoon I sat next to my mother, and she made me pick one of the many books she had with her on the bed. I choose Proust. I knew she loved it. I loved it as well.

"For a long time, I used to go to bed early. Sometimes, when I had put out my candle, my eyes would close so quickly that I had not even time to say, "I'm going to sleep."

I can still hear her voice, reading to me. Both of us avoided reality for a while, hiding in the books. I always do it regardless. I hide in the books to forget. I hide in knowledge to avoid acknowledging the real personal issues I have. I hide in my work saving people when no one ever saved me.

I work catching psychopaths when I know I might actually have a mental issue myself. I might end up just like mom, and it frightens me so much; there are many nights I can't even close an eye. If I get sick too, then no one will take care of her. I am the only one in her life. And she is the only one in mine.

She and (Y/N), but there is no way my best friend would ever take care of me if I got sick. Not because she wouldn't want to do it, but because I would never let her. I don't want to be a burden in her life. And she would hate me, I know. And I could never live in a world where (Y/N) hates me. Not then, not now.

(Y/N). She is the best thing that happened to me in the BAU. Yes, I had a family with my team, but she was different. She was my life. She was the reason why I smiled. She was the one person that made me feel I was important to someone. I knew the rest of my friend loved me, but I loved her.

That was it. I loved (Y/N). And I was scared I was never going to see her again.

(Y/N)'s point of view

I was standing next to Penelope. She kept trying to force me to eat. She knew I was living on coffee, but I just couldn't swallow anything. She held my hand as the two of us stared at the screens, hopefully waiting for Hankel to make contact again.

- "Any more signs of Reid?"- JJ walked over to us slowly and looked at me, afraid I might snap on her again. I just shook my head and sighed, doing my best to be nice to her.

- "He just posted the last murder online."

- "It had over 17 thousand hits in the first twenty minutes,"- Penelope added, and her voice was so full of revulsion. It was clear she couldn't handle the horror in the human mind.

- "I want to see it,"- JJ said, and I frowned, confused.

- "No, you don't,"- Garcia answered and looked at me- "Come on, munchkin, just eat one cookie, please."

- "Don't tell me what I want and don't want!"- JJ's tone shocked us both. She was severe and angry. She was rude at Penelope, and for a second, I almost snapped again.

- "If I can't watch this..."- JJ whispered and glued her eyes on the screen- "I have no business being in the field."

She looked at me when she was done talking, and for once during those awful days, I felt some kind of compassion for her. She had to be feeling like shit, no doubt, and no matter how mad I was at her, she was still my friend, and I didn't want her to suffer either.

- "JJ, it's not a competition,"- I tried to say in the softest voice possible.

- "I... I need to see it."

- "If you stop being affected by things, you lose parts of yourself, you know."

It was somehow ironic that I was the one saying those things. Me of all people in that team. Me, the one who was afraid the most of losing herself in work.

- "Show me"- she finally looked at Garcia, ignoring my words, and Penelope pleased her. She pushed play and simply said

- "I won't watch this with you."

García held my hand, walking me out of the room, leaving JJ alone in the room. She sighed and wiped the tears that started falling down her eyes.

- "I don't know how you do it either"- she whispered- "I don't know how you watch those things every day and don't go insane."

- "If it makes you feel better, I don't know how I do either, and it scared me to think my heart might be numbing with each case we solve. With every psychopath we catch."

- "We are gonna find him"- she assured me and held my hands tight- "We are bringing him home safe, I swear."

- "Let's go find Gideon,"- I said, nodding at her words- "He needs to know Tobias posted the last murder."

Jason was mad, beyond furious. He was losing it. Derek and Prentiss kept trying to crack Hankel and discover where he had taken Reid. Meanwhile, Garcia, Gideon, and I made our best to take the video of the murder from the web.

- "I have a list of everyone from the file-sharing chain. I could send out a mass warning that the video is actually a virus,"- Garcia said and started typing as fast as possible. I just stared at the screen, waiting for something, anything to happen.

But I wasn't waiting for what came next.

- "Confess your sins"- Hankel's voice made me jump, and the sight of Reid, still tied to that chair, bleeding, and being tortured, broke my heart again.

- "Confess!!"- that sick psychopath shouted and hit him.

- "I haven't done anything,"- Spencer sobbed, but it was useless. Hankel kept punching him, over and over again, even when my best friend begged for mercy.

I felt Jason hold my hand as I was holding Garcia's. The three of us felt powerless, useless, angry, and scared, all at the same time. I couldn't bear to watch Reid being tortured, but at the same time, I was so glad he was still alive.

That until Hankel beat him so hard, he pushed him back in the chair, and Reid started convulsing.

- "He is killing him,"- Penelope cried, and I closed my eyes, biting my lips. Spencer was choking, and that mother fucker just stood there, watching him die.

- "That's the devil vacating your body"- he spit those words as Reid simply passed out. I didn't know if he was dead. I didn't know if he was going to make it. Shit! I didn't know anything.

I let go of Jason and Penelope and stormed out of the room. I was unprofessional, and I knew it, but I knew I would quit if anything happened to Reid. I wasn't going to stay working at the BAU if Spencer died.

- "Are you ok?"- Derek grabbed my arm. I just broke into tears and held him tight. He wrapped his arms around me and let me cry.

- "He's dying! We can't find him!!"- I sobbed against his chest.

- "(Y/N)! (Y/N)!"- I heard Penelope yelling as we all rushed back to the computer room. Hankel was giving CPR to Reid, trying to bring him back to life.

- "Come on, come on, please,"- I begged as I watched him pushing his chest over and over again until Spencer woke up, gasping for air.

- "Thank God!"- Hotch sighed and rubbed his hands against his face. The whole team let out a breath of relief simultaneously, and I kept watching Reid. His opened eyes gave me hope.

- "Wait,"- Prentiss said suddenly- "When was the video of the last murder posted?"

- "Nine thirty"- Penelope answered

- "And when was the time of death?"

- "The 911 call came in at 9:04, and the murder must have been moments later."- Hotch added and didn't even turn to look at Prentiss. We were all still shocked looking at the screen.

- "That's just a 19 minutes difference,"- I said and turned to García- "How long would it take to post that file?"

- "Two or three minutes."

- "Let's call it two,"- I said, getting excited- "You figure a maximum of 60 miles an hour in a residential area. That means Hankel has to be within a 17-mile radius of the crime scene."

For a second, I felt I was rambling facts just like Reid would. It made me miss him even more.

- "García, can we see it on the map?"- Aaron whispered. He was clearly affected, and it also made me feel selfish, knowing I had made a tantrum with the whole team, forgetting they were suffering as well.

- "Call chief Farraday"- Jason commanded as soon as we saw the map of the area on the screen- "I want that area locked down like it's martial law."

JJ stood up and grabbed her phone but didn't make the call. García warned us something was going on with Reid and all of us stared at the screen in silence.

Spencer was on his back on the floor, still tied to a chair. It was clear he wasn't fully conscious of what was happening.

- "You came back to life,"- mother fucker Hankel said, spitting the words in anger.

- "Raphael,"- Reid whispered, recognizing one of his personalities.

- "There can be only one of two reasons."

- "I was given CPR,"- my friend whispered, but it was clear that wasn't one of the psycho's options.

- "There are no accidents. How many members of our team are watching us right now?"

- "Seven."

- "The seven angels who had the seven trumpets prepared themselves to sound. The first sounding followed hail, and they were thrown to the earth."

- "He thinks it's the revelations"- Hotch explained- "The seven archangels versus the seven angels of death."

I didn't know much about religion, but it didn't take a genius to figure out he didn't believe we were the good guys.

- "Tell me who you serve."

- "I serve you,"- Reid answered right away. His voice was a whisper. He had to be exhausted.

- "Then choose one to die"

- "What?!"

- "Your team members, choose one to die"- I knew what he was going to answer at that, and I didn't want to hear it.

- "Kill me,"- he replied immediately, and I closed my eyes, unable to watch what would happen next.

- "You said you weren't one of them."

- "I lied."

- "Your team has seven other members. Tell me who dies."

- "No"- Penelope gasped, and Prentiss cursed. I opened my eyes and nearly fainted. Hankel had a gun pointed against Reid's forehead.

The silence amongst the team was unbearable. Neither of us knew what to do. We were all panicking, praying, desperate.

- "Choose and prove you'll do God's will."

- "No."

Neither of us moved. Neither of us breathed until Hakel pulled the trigger, and no bullet came out. I nearly sigh, but it wasn't over.

- "Choose"- he repeated

- "I won't do it"- Hankel didn't even wait. He just pulled the trigger, and we all jumped at the same time. He was safe again.

- "Life is a choice."

- "No,"- Reid repeated once again. And Hankel pulled the trigger for the third time.

- "Choose"- and for the first time, Spencer made a pause. Was going to pick one of us to die?

- "I choose"- the whispered- "Aaron Hotchner."

Derek and I looked at him, and his pale face didn't move a muscle.

- "He's the classic narcissist. He thinks he's better than everyone else on the team. Genesis 23:4 "Let him not deceive himself, and trust in emptiness, vanity falseness, and futility, for these shall be his recompense."

Hotch stormed out of the room as Hankel pulled the trigger one more time and shot the wall.

I felt I was going to puke. If Reid hadn't picked one of us, he would be dead.

- "For God's will,"- the mother fuck said, as he put another bullet in the gun after removing the casing.

I couldn't look anymore. I followed Gideon and Derek to find Aaron going through all Tobias's diaries on the table.

- "I'm not a narcissist,"- he said as soon as he saw us.

- "Come on. Look, you can't think anything from that"- Jason tried to calm him down, in case he was somehow affected by what Reid had just said on camera- "He is not in his right mind, Hotch."

- "No, stop, stop. Alright, everybody, right now: what's my worst quality?"

He had to be kidding. We all stared at him, muted, lost in that conversation. What was his point? Neither of us said a word. We just looked at each other, confused and awkward.

- "Ok, I'll start. I have no sense of humor."

- "You are a bully,"- JJ added.

- "You can be a drill sergeant sometimes,"- I said, and he nodded.

- "Right."

- "You don't trust women as much as men"- you could feel it in Prentiss's voice. That one was personal.

- "Ok, good. I'm all these things, but none of you said that I ever put myself above the team because I don't, ever. Reid and I argued about the definition of classic narcissism, and he knew that I would remember that. He also quoted Genesis chapter 23, verse 4. Read it."

Hotch gave me the book. He wasn't even breathing as she spoke. He was in a hurry. We were all.

- "I'm a stranger and a sojourner with you. Give me property, forbear a place among you that I may bury my dead of my sight."

- "He wouldn't get it wrong unless it were on purpose."

- "He is in a cemetery."- I said and looked at him. He nodded, and I swear to God, I saw a slight smile on his lips. That smile was hope. We were getting closer.

Spencer's point of view

I took a sip of water. I hadn't drunk in days, and my throat burned. I was still a little lost, still a little off.

- "Tobias, is that you?"- I saw him nod, sitting next to me. He moved the cup of water closer so that I could drink some more.

- "Thank you,"- I whispered and looked at him- You saved my life- he stared down at the ground and finally whispered

- "I'm sorry."

- "Why?"

- "He'll win in the end."

It was sad to see Tobias Hankel's good person locked inside a sick mind that also held a psychopath like his father.

- "Tobias, I need to know something. It's important. Are we in a cemetery?"- and he nodded. I smiled at him and sighed, relieved. Help was coming. My team was coming.

- "I used to come here to get high."

- "I was right."

- "No one bothers you here. I never told anyone about it."

He wrapped his belt around my arm, and I turned to him, still smiling. I didn't know if I were happy I was right or glad I would get high again. Maybe both. Maybe the second 'cos the minute that needle got to my vein, that sweet, sweet release felt like a bath of joy that washed away any pain, regret, or guilt I could have ever felt.

Guilt. I've had my share of that. I remember the day I had my mom admitted to the hospital. She hadn't eaten in days. She wouldn't take care of herself, and they're just so much I could do. I wasn't able to keep her safe from herself, from her mind.

- "What are these men doing here?"- she asked me as I walked with two nurses into the study. She was writing and reading. It was all she did, preparing lectures for classes she didn't have to give, in imaginary campuses.

I stood in front of her and hesitated for a second. It was the hardest thing I had ever done, telling mom I was taking her away from her own house.

- "They are from the hospital. They are here to help,"- I whispered and looked at my mother's confused expression. She was so thin. She looked so sick. I felt so guilty I couldn't do better for her.

- "I don't need help, and you can't be here without permission, tell them, Spencer."

She looked down at her books again and tried to continue writing. I took a deep breath, I knew I would break her heart, but there was nothing else I could do.

- "I called them"- she looked at me in pain. Deep, honest pain. Like I had just shattered her heart. Which I had done.

- "Spencer"- she simply whispered and stared into my eyes, begging for an explanation. I was trying my best not to cry. I had a whole speech prepared. I was going to tell her how much I loved her. I was going to explain to her how good it was for her to be in a place where someone could continuously take care of her. I had facts and statistics, but all I managed to say was:

- "I'm doing this for you."

And I felt like a liar. 'Cos, there was a part of me that was doing it for myself too.

- "This isn't legal"- she shook her head in shock and kept trying to find a good explanation to what was going on.

- "Your son is eighteen, ma'am. He can act in your welfare,"- one of the make nurses explained to her.

- "You need help,"- I said and prayed she could understand. But she just burst into tears and begged.

- "I wanna stay here!"

- "I'm... sorry, mom."

- "Please, these are my things, this is my life..."

Those men took her. They took her from her house and put her in a hospital. No. I put her there. I put my mom in a hospital so I could live my life, 'cos I am selfish and couldn't take care of her anymore.

- "Spencer, please, don't do this to me."

Those were the words that haunted me day and night. And my mother's crying face, begging me not to take her from her own house.

What kind of a son am I? I did that to her. I put her in a mental place 'cos I couldn't deal with her disease anymore. 'Cos I didn't know how to take care of her.

- "What are you sorry for, boy?"- I heard Hankel ask when I woke up. I was muttering, "Sorry" as I came back from my trip.

- "I sent her away."

- "Who."

- "My mom. I couldn't help her."

- "Is that a confession?"- I nodded and looked around, confused. Lost. High- "You know the bible. Exodus 21:17"

- "And he that curseth his father or his mother shall surely be put to death,"- I whispered, scared and full of regret.

I heard him walk towards me. He kneeled and uncuffed me. I didn't know what was happening. Honestly, I was still too high to get what was going on around me.

- "Grab a shovel,"- he commanded and walked outside.

I was too weak to dig fast. I don't know how I was actually moving, but I was digging my own grave. I never thought I would ever end up doing such a thing. It's not something you think about, actually. Not unless you work in the BAU. Here, you start analyzing and considering the way you'll die: 'Cos you could, every day.

- "I ought to bury you alive in there, give you some time to think about what you've done,"- Hankel said and looked at me while I worked, playing with a knife.

- "I know what I've done."

- "Don't talk back to me! Dig!"

I pant and kept moving, very slowly, trying to buy myself some time too. I was sure the team was coming to get me any minute now. I was counting on them, though the more I thought about it, the less worthy of salvation I felt. Maybe I deserved to die after all.

I was almost certain I had seen some lights moving in the back. Flashlights. But it could be my mind playing tricks on me. I was too tired. And still too high, too.

- "Dig faster!"- he commanded me as I moved, losing my breath.

- "I'm not strong enough"- I cried, 'cos I felt like that. Like a failure, a child that aimed to be a grown-up and failed miserably. A bad son. The worst agent. A fake that deserved to die.

- "You are all weak!! Get out of there!"

Hankel took off his coat and left it on the ground. I slowly moved so he could dig for me, but the lights in the back took my attention, and he noticed. As soon as he turned around, I quickly grabbed his coat and reached out for the gun.

- "You've only got one bullet, son,"- he said as he looked at me. And I just pulled the trigger.

I shot him. I killed him. Hankel. Raphael. Tobias. I freed Tobias. Or at least, that is what I wanted to think.

- "Reid!!"- I heard (Y/N) yelling as I crawled to Tobia's body. He was still awake. He was himself.

- "You killed him"- he said, and he was relieved- "Do you think I'll get to see my mom again?"

- "I'm sorry,"- I whispered, and he was gone.

- "Reid!!"

(Y/N) yelled and ran over. She kneeled next to me and held me in her arms. I couldn't move, because for a few seconds, I couldn't believe she was real. She was there.

- "Honey, honey, are you ok? Can you hear me?"- she said, and tears started falling from her eyes- "Honey, it's me."

I just looked at her and hugged her. I hugged her as my life depended on it. There she was, next to me, finally.

- "I thought I was never going to see you again,"- I whispered and sobbed.

The urge to kiss her filled my whole body. I needed to taste her. I needed to show her how much I had needed her those days. But I knew I couldn't.

I didn't want to let her go. I didn't for a few minutes. I just hold onto her for my sanity. She kissed my forehead, cupping my face with both hands.

- "I'm so happy to see you. I'm glad you are ok... let's go to the ambulance, ok?"- I nodded but didn't let her go. I felt I could hold her forever. I wanted to keep her close for as long as I lived.

But the rest of the team gathered around us, and I wanted to thank them too. I needed to thank Hotch. So as soon as I let (Y/N) go, I wrapped my arms around him.

- "You alright?"- he asked me.

- "I knew you'd understand,"- I managed to say with tears falling from my eyes and a knot in my throat.

For a moment, I thought I was never going to see the team again. My family.

JJ held me close and apologized. I knew she felt guilty for leaving me alone, but I was the only one culpable for what had happened. I wanted to prove myself, and all I managed to do was prove I was a fool. A useless SSA.

- "It's alright, it wasn't your fault,"- I said and did my best to smile at her. But I know I failed. Gideon grabbed my arm and nodded.

- "Let's get you out of here."

- "Please,"- I whispered before we started walking- "Can I have a second alone?"- he looked at me and nodded, looking at Tobias' body lying by our side. He walked away, and I kneeled next to my capturer.

But instead of paying my respects, instead of cursing. Instead of anything, I took the Dilaudid bottles from his pocket and put them into mine.

And that's how the real hell started.

--

DIWK Taglist:

@all-tings-diego @big-galaxy-chaos @svveet-peas @muffin-cup @shilohpug

Spencer taglist

@calm-and-doctor

General Taglist

@spenxerslut @ash19871962

–

Do you want to be on the taglist or ramble about this chapter with me? Just send me a message here.

Next update: May 5th, 2021

[pastpatientlywaitingforimagines]

Galaxy | Spencer Reid x Reader Platonic

WC: 1326 

Warnings: none, this is pure fluff.

GALAXY MASTERLIST

A/N: In this house we love Spencer Reid and we love platonic soulmates even more. Enjoy!

Derek Morgan didn’t believe in soulmates until you joined the BAU. It was impossible to deny that your connection with the unit’s resident genius was nothing short of galactic, a product of the universe so complex Spencer himself didn’t even fully understand it.

You had been pulled straight from the Academy, hand picked by Rossi and Hotch. Your military background and instinctual street smarts made up for your still-developing profiling skills, for which you had a lot of potential. Hotch had bounced you around on your first field case to see who you would work best with, it surprised everyone when you and Reid fit together like a perfect pair of mismatched socks.

His logic and gangly awkwardness was harshly juxtaposed by your intuition and awareness, which was part of why you worked so well together. Hotch didn’t pair you up for every case, but everyone on the team benefitted when he put the two of you together.

Now, years later, Morgan could easily observe the way each of you cherished the presence of the other. You had just worked a long case, ending in a high speed car chase with you behind the wheel of the SUV and Spencer as your copilot. You apprehended the unsub without hesitation, Spencer right behind you. The unsub was handcuffed before the rest of the team had even arrived and not a single gunshot was fired.  

Clearly it had taken a lot out of both of you, who now shared a small pillow as you curled up on the jet, the tops of your heads barely touching. You had often told the team you didn’t like sleeping on planes, and most of the time you didn’t, but every time you lost consciousness while flying it was always because Spencer was by your side.

Otherwise you were reading (swapping books on particularly long flights) or playing chess. Derek personally liked the latter because you had no idea how to play chess at all. The jet always filled with your laughter when Spencer squirmed in frustration at your entirely random moves “it’s like you’re not even trying, (y/n)”. It was always a much needed brightness to their mostly dismal profession.

“Did you know?” Morgan asked Hotch quietly when the older man sat down next to him.

“That they’d work so well together when I hired (y/n)? No. I wish I could take credit for it, but I had no idea.”

At first, Morgan thought your friendship with Reid rivaled his with Garcia, but he soon realized that your relationship with the doctor was on a completely different level. There was nothing inherently romantic or sexual about your relationship at all. “Why are you talking about marriage?” Emily had asked when she sat down at her desk. You and Spencer looked at her innocently and deadpanned in unison, “tax benefits” Still, your friendship was built on mutual love and respect for the other.

You were the first one by his side when he got out of a particularly tough situation, and he was the first one by yours when you had a PTSD episode. He was the only one who knew about everything that had happened while you were in the military, even Garcia only had access to what had been printed about the years you spent overseas. You knew every detail about the time he was held captive in a shed by Tobias Hankel, as well as his relationship with his parents.

You were always the first to call dibs on Spencer when hotel rooms needed to be shared, as well as the first to reprimand him for taking his bulletproof vest off when he was in dangerous situations. He always called you first when he figured something out and you weren’t already by his side, and had you proofread every conference lecture he wrote.

You moved in sync with each other in a way the others tried so hard to figure out, both in the field and office. Refilling each other’s coffee was second nature, as was working on adjoining dry erase boards and tracking down unsubs. Your lives were intertwined, two inseparable souls.

Derek had only seen you argue once, after your yearly October Horror Movie weekend. You fought for two weeks over who would be the better villain, “I’d hide in the place with the lowest probability of being found-” “Sure, but in the time it took you to calculate the probability I’d already be fleeing the country with no less than three hostages.” Ultimately, you decided that if you were both villains in a horror film you would meet up and become an unstoppable team there too.

It was also no secret that you would always accept Spencer’s outing invitations, even if it meant going to movies in languages you didn’t understand “I don’t need to understand Korean to know that there were some big moral decisions happening on that train. Did they explain more about the zombies in the dialogue?” Likewise, one of the only lists you had memorized was that of all the 24-hour restaurants in the immediate area. It was the kind of friendship that only the two of you could have, as kids who had gone through too much turmoil and just needed some consistency for once.

“Do you believe in soulmates?” Morgan asked his mentor, his voice still hushed.

“Do you?”

“I didn’t, and yet here they are,” Hotch chuckled at his response.

Morgan watched as you shifted, blinking vigorously a few times to clear the drowsiness from your eyes. Still barely conscious, your gaze locked with Derek’s. You flipped him off subtly with a sleepy smile, adjusting where your head was on the pillow you were sharing with Reid.

“You ok?” Spencer’s eyes were still closed, his raspy voice the only indication that he was remotely close to being awake. Morgan suspected that the doctor didn’t even realize he had spoken, and instead checked in with you out of habit. Your response, a ‘mhmm’ as your eyes fluttered closed, confirmed that the exchange was something you and Spencer probably wouldn’t even remember.

Derek didn’t need to be a profiler to know you shared moments like these frequently with Reid. It was tradition for you and Spencer to watch as many episodes of Doctor Who as possible once you finished working on a case and had caught up on sleep, leaving you well rested and buzzing with energy when you next went into the office “the daleks are way scarier than the cybermen, I’d rather fight 100 cybermen than one dalek.” It would be dumb for anyone to assume the two of you went to your separate apartments after traveling.

It would be dumb for anyone to assume that you spent much time apart at all, the whole team knew you and Spencer spent more time together than anyone else. What Derek wasn’t privy to was the private moments shared between you, such as your frequent trips out of the city to lay on the hood of your car and watch the stars. “This is how people get murdered, (y/n).” “Any unsub that even thinks about harming us is an idiot. Attacking two armed agents is a federal crime.” “You brought your gun?” “You didn’t? Now you’re just asking for a serial killer to pop out of those bushes, Spence.”

You, much like many others that worked in the BAU, were living proof that people could still be good and do good even with more than a lifetime of trauma. Morgan loved you the way he loved the rest of the team. You fit in with them as well, becoming family in a way not many outsiders could. Mostly, though, Derek loved that you brought out the best in Spencer. In their many years of working together Derek had not seen Spencer as content with his life until you were in it, and that was most important.

GALAXY MASTERLIST

[failbaby]

oohhh could you do nsfw moreid ❤️

lol ok so I didnt really want to write straight up porn on my main blog but here’s something ~risque below the readmore !

pls lmk what you think of this because I don’t usually write nsfw and I feel a little awkward haha

Derek Morgan takes care not to “cross lines” with his coworkers.

After all, as Hotch likes to remind them, their work is too dangerous to become caught up in each other the way civilians (real people, Derek finds himself thinking) do. Any small misstep—any split-second instance of an unclear mind or an illogical prioritization between agents—could cost an innocent life, if not multiple lives, so it was important to retain a degree of detachment. 

No; taking such a massive risk for such a trivial thing as sex would be selfish.

But he can think about it, can’t he?

There’s nothing wrong with thinking. 

Thoughts can’t hurt anyone, can they?

No. 

Derek wonders, as he lies alone and stares up at his ceiling for the dozenth night in a row, what Spencer must be doing in his little apartment on the other side of town. He’s probably awake, trying to finish some sort of boring intellectual thing (Derek’s not really sure exactly what Spencer does for fun) before he passes out. He’s got to be tired by now. 

Spencer looks so pretty when he’s sleepy--eyes lidded, face slightly flushed, perpetually gnawing on his plump bottom lip. 

If Derek had it his way, he would take Spencer’s face in his hands and run his thumb over that lip.

Don’t bite. 

That can hurt you. Don’t hurt my pretty boy. 

He’d slip his thumb between Spencer’s lips and watch him suck it. 

(“Fuck.” He reaches into his pajama pants.)

Spencer’s got these big, beautiful puppy eyes (sweet and warm and almost always pleading for something), and Derek wants nothing more than to see those eyes looking up at him. He wants his baby to want him, plead for him, be so desperate for him that he looks up at him with that beautiful, teary-eyed pout Derek’s only had the pleasure of seeing once or twice. 

And how could he say no to that? 

He’d give his baby boy everything he asked for. 

He’d fuck him whenever he wanted, tug on his long, pretty hair (he teases Reid about that hair, but god does he want to just tangle his fingers in it and pull on it to see whether he’ll moan), even slap him around a little (or a lot) if that was what he wanted. Spencer would be good for him (he imagines), so he’d be happy to be good in return.

Fuck, yeah, he’d definitely be a good boy--Derek has seen how much Spencer loves to be praised. He’s seen how his face lights up when someone tells him he’s done a good job with a case, seen how happy it makes him to be validated, complemented, hell, even acknowledged. 

If he could, he’d tell him every day how good he was.

He’d tell him how much he loves him.

Spencer doesn’t get nearly what he deserves, and Derek wants nothing more than to give him a happy ending. He wants to coax him to sleep every night for the rest of his life. He could make Spencer feel safe--he knows how rare that is since Tobias. He could make sure--

Fuck. 

Derek pulls his hands out of his pants and sighs, biting back tears.

He’s crossed a line again. 

God dammit. 

He decides, as he turns his bedside lamp off and flips his pillow over to the cooler side, that he was wrong. 

Thoughts can hurt. 

[gontagokuhara]

what are ur current thoughts on the cm main cast? i know you only give hot takes so i’m curious

ok so i have not actually watched all of criminal minds. ive attempted to watch it all the way through a good few times (at least 6) but somewhere around the middle i always drop off and then inevitably start AGAIN from the beginning. i've gotten as far as season seven before which is...not very far. so ive gotten to the rossi/prentiss era of the show, and i think i got to the point where prentiss left the bau. so i'll just talk abt the cast up until then!

also i'll preface this with acab blah blah copaganda bad blah blah fuck the feds. i know guys. let me have my one legally allotted cop show

gideon: i. love gideon. he's not the stereotypical hardass unfeeling leader character that rossi (at least in the beginning) fell into. he's very emotional, very empathetic, and while he can be genuinely pretty frightening when confronting the criminals in the show, the care he has for his team and his capacity for kindness and compassion for victims....a bitch has cried before! he really grew into his own over the tenure of the show, and while i was sad that he left, i think it tied well back into who his character was and a natural progression for him following his trauma from the job. also i love mandy patinkin's performance in general, i love him voice and the way he can go from soft and intense. jason gideon if ur reading this im in the market for a father

hotch: i've always liked hotch, but he REALLY grew into his own over the series. his care for his team is really something, but WOW the storyline with his ex wife and jack? and the episodes about haley's death? WOW. i absolutely cried like a baby during their last phonecall and. god. i know vaguely that his actor had some issues on set lmao but i really like what of hotch's character i've seen and. yeah.

elle: she was very much the token girl on the team which was disappointing. i really liked her, especially during the beginnings of season one, and i think the episode on the train was really, really good -- her dynamic with the team here was really interesting (especially with spencer) and it's one of my favorite episodes. i think her experience with ptsd is believable especially after her injury in the season 1 finale, but i feel like the booting her from the team for being the trigger-happy high strung woman character was. not great. good on her for killing that bastard tho, even if acab and she avoided legal ramifications when irl thats. not great. 

prentiss: i LOVE her!!!! she's so fun and goofy but also good at her job and very relatable. i love her journey to prove herself to the team, and the close bonds she makes with everyone, and it really helps make the team feel like a family (aha me? liking found family dynamics? damn thats crazy). i just found out that she was written as a lesbian but CBS fucking nixed it for some reason, so truly homophobia never sleeps and forevermore prentiss will be a whole ass dyke in my heart. i love her!!!

rossi: i was never SUPER hurr durr rossi bad cuz he's not gideon, but he was written purposefully as an asshole in his beginnings, so i didn't like him that much. i felt like the episode that developed him into a "good guy" was cheesy but good, and while he's nowhere near my favorite member of the team, i do like him!

derek: I FUCKING LOVE DEREK MORGAN!!!!! i love his dynamics with the entire team, especially spencer, emily, and penelope. his writing left a lot to be desired in season one, but he DRASTICALLY improved thereafter and he's in my top 3 in the show. his particular character (lbr trauma) building episode absolutely gutted me, and i just. absolutely adore adore adore him. king of the lesbians, bisexy icon, respecter of women, derek morgan please embrace me in your arms and let me kiss u on the lips

jj: i luv jj!!! i love her dynamic as media liaison and how she interacts with the whole team, but how she's also very capable in the field! her storyline with her boyfriend/husband is very sweet, litcherally straight rights. i know she gets her character dev after where i stopped watching, so im excited to learn more abt her!!!

penelope: i love penelope so FUCKING much guys!!! she's a perfect balance between comic relief and emotional beats, and there's nothing i dislike about her. she's fucking hilarious, i love her confidence (but also how she's allowed to feel insecure) , and her dynamic with derek is the best in the show, full stop. but i also adore her dynamics with the female members of the team, and her play flirting to straight-faced hotch is unendingly funny. god. the episode(s) where she's dealing with getting shot? the way derek will do anything to protect her? and penelope in turn wants to protect him? GOD. she's also human, and kind, and caring, and fuck i love her so much.

spencer: to NO ONES surprise spencer is my favorite.  i definitely have a highkey crush on matthew gray gubler and i think his performance as spencer is just. phenomenal. spencer is funny, he’s kind, he’s so fucking smart, and he’s really truly capable despite all the obstacles his life has thrown at him. the tobias hankel episode is one of my favorites of the series, and the resulting trauma that spencer goes through just. wow. and his longstanding fears of being afraid of what’s inside his own head, of what people think of him because he’s so different, of how there are in fact very few degrees of separation mentally between him and some of their past unsubs? GOD!!!!! his character is incredible, i adore him to pieces, and i love his dynamics with the rest of the team, specifically jj, hotch, penelope, and morgan (especially morgan!!!!!). um spencer reid literally kiss me on the lips challenge sir i am in love with you. also bisexy trans and autistic rights babey!!!!!

[ionlyreadfivebookslastweek]

Bless The Broken Road - 19

In the morning, Jack drove up to Quantico and picked Jane up. They then drove the rest of the way to Ashburn, Virginia together.

“Hey, Jack?” Jane spoke, breaking the comfortable silence that had fallen between them.

“Hmm?”

“What if you moved into my old apartment? You’d live a lot closer than you do right now,” Jane suggested.

“That’s actually a good idea! I’ll think about it and let you know,” Jack told her. When they arrived at their parents’ place, Jane was greeted with a rather aggressive hug from both parents.

“Hi! Woah, hey now, be careful, please!” she laughed.

“You didn’t tell them?” Jack questioned.

“Tell us what?” Laura asked.

Jane turned to Jack and thew a sarcastic “Thanks,” at him.

“Sweetheart, tell us what?” Daniel asked. Jane sighed. “Alright, fine, come with me.” She entered the house and led her parents into a separate room. She briefly explained to them about being abducted and the injuries resulting from the incident. “Mom, Dad, trust me. I’m fine. I didn’t want you to worry so I didn’t tell you.”

Before they could say anything, the doorbell rang, forcing them to end the conversation.

Laura opened the door and Jane’s grandmother entered.

“Jane, dear! It’s so good to see you!” she cheered, coming over to give her a hug. “And Jack, honey!” She moved to hug him too.

“Hey, Grandma,” Jack greeted her. “Here, let me get your coat,” he offered.

“Thank you, dear. Such a gentleman!”

He took her coat from her and turned to Jane. “Jane, do you want me to grab yours too?”

“Oh, right! Yeah, thanks.” Jane took off her coat and gave it to him. He headed out of the entryway to go put them in one of the bedrooms. Everyone else headed into the living room to join the rest of the family.

During the meal, Jane’s relatives asked her about work and how that was going. She told them how she enjoys helping people, but avoided talking about injuries and other dangers of the job.

“Jane, would you mind helping me bring the pies out of the kitchen?” Laura asked once everyone had finished their main course.

Jane obliged and followed her out of the room. 

“So, I noticed how that extra seat at the table you asked me to save has remained empty,” Laura pointed out.

“Yeah, um, it was meant for Spencer. You remember him from the hospital?” Jane paused a moment for her to confirm before hurrying to continue, not wanting to dwell on that moment too much. “Anyway, the team is still on a case, so he couldn’t be here.”

She nodded in understanding. “How is Spencer doing?”

“He’s great. Actually, we started dating a while ago, six months tomorrow, and a few weeks ago he asked me to move in with him,” Jane confessed.

Laura’s eyes widened and she gasped in surprise. “Oh, that’s great, honey!” She stepped forward to embrace her daughter. “And you’re happy?”

“Very happy,” Jane laughed into her shoulder.

“Well, I’m glad!”

~

After the meal was over, everyone moved into the living room to watch football.

Jane’s phone went off and she stepped away to answer it.

“Hey, Spence!” she spoke.

Cheering erupted from the other room.

“What’s going on?” Spencer asked.

“I’m guessing one of the teams just scored a touchdown. My family’s watching football,” Jane explained.

"Oh, alright. Well, I just called to let you know that we’re on our way to find the UNSUB right now. I should be home later tomorrow.”

“That’s great! I’m planning on staying at my parents overnight, so I should be back later tomorrow as well,” Jane told him.

“I gotta go,” Spencer said suddenly.

“Oh, ok. Stay safe. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

~

That night, Jane struggled to sleep, nightmares invading her mind, all of which put her back in that godforsaken basement.

Throughout the next day, she continued having flashbacks to what happened to her, though she did her best to appear fine in front of her parents.

On the drive home, Jack asked her, “Hey are you doing alright, Jane?”

”Yeah, I’m fine. Why do you ask?”

”You’ve been quiet today. And there were a few times while we were still at the house where you seemed to zone out a little bit.”

Jane shook her head, keeping her eyes on the road. “I’m just tired. I had trouble sleeping last night.”

”Well, maybe I should be driving then.”

Jane laughed. “I swear, Jack, I’m fine.”

Upon arriving at Spencer’s apartment, Jane helped Jack move his things to his car before saying goodbye and heading towards the door.

”Jane?” Jack called out. Jane stopped and turned to look at him. “Are you sure you’re alright?”

“Yes, I’m fine!” Jane insisted. “Goodnight. Let me know when you get home safe.”

Jack nodded, still not entirely convinced, before climbing into his car.

Jane headed up to the apartment to find that Spencer was already home from the case. She set her things by the door and followed the sound of cooking to the kitchen.

”Spencer?” she called out, causing him to drop the spoon he was holding.

He turned around to see her standing in the doorway. “Jane, you’re home! I didn’t hear you come in.”

He crossed the room and embraced her. She squeezed back tightly then reached up and kissed him.

”I missed you,” she told him.

”I missed you too.”

Jane looked towards the dining area and saw the table set with candles lit and flowers in the center.

“What's all this?” she asked.

”Happy 6 month anniversary!”

Jane’s eyes widened. “Oh my god, that’s today.” She stepped back and ran a hand through her hair. “Spencer, I am so sorry. I completely forgot!”

He pulled her back into his arms. “It’s ok, Jane.”

“It’s just that there’s a lot going on with everything that happened and, and I didn’t even realize Thanksgiving was this week until Wednesday,” Jane explained.

“Janey, It’s fine. Don’t apologize.”

Jane sighed. “Thank you for understanding.” She kissed him again.

“Of course. Everything should be ready in a few minutes and then we can eat.”

“Sounds perfect.” She pecked his cheek before going to put her stuff away while she waited.

Once the food was ready, they sat down and enjoyed a nice evening together.

~

In the middle of the night, Jane woke up from a nightmare. Trying not to disturb Spencer, she did her best to quietly get up and head to the bathroom. As soon as she closed the door, she rushed to the toilet and vomited. When she was finished, she sat back, covering her mouth to silence her sobs.

She stayed there for a few minutes, taking deep breaths to calm down, before going back to bed.

Fortunately, it appeared that Spencer had slept through everything.

The next day, Jane and Spencer lounged around all day. Jane felt tired and couldn’t seem to change her mood.

Sunday morning, Jane had a vivid dream in which she was tied up again. When she woke up, it felt as if Spencer’s arms around her were the restraints from her dream. She began to kick and scream, struggling to get out.

“Woah! Jane! Jane! It’s just me! Janey, calm down. It’s alright,” Spencer told her. “Breathe.”

Jane went still and breathed in and out a few times, calming down. “I’m sorry,” she told him.

“It’s ok. Shhh. You’re safe,” he assured her. “Why don’t I make us some breakfast?”

Jane nodded and he kissed her forehead before getting out of bed.

When breakfast was ready, Jane slowly got out of bed and came to the table to eat. She ate a few bites, but mainly just picked at her food.

Spencer watched her, concerned.

He set down his fork. “Jane, I think we should talk about what’s been happening,” he told her.

She stood up and moved to go sit on the couch, ignoring him. He also stood and followed, taking a seat next to her and taking her hands.

“Jane, look. It’s going to take some time to get over what happened to you but it’ll get better,” he assured her.

“You don’t know that!” Jane snapped, ripping her hands out of his and standing up. “You don’t understand. You have no idea what I’m going through.” Jane stormed out of the room and headed back to the bedroom, slamming the door.

Spencer chose to let her be, giving her time alone with her thoughts. She slept most of the day until he chanced going back there to talk to her again.

“Janey?” he whispered, coming in and sitting on the bed.

Jane rolled over away from him and covered her head with the blanket.

“Alright, you don’t have to talk. But you should know something.” Spencer sighed before continuing, “Around three years ago, I was abducted by an UNSUB. His name was Tobias Hankel.”

Jane took the covers off her face and turned to face him, sitting up as well.

“He repeatedly tortured me and forcibly injected Dilaudid into me and I nearly died.”

Jane looked down, ashamed of her reaction earlier. “I had no idea. I’m sorry.”

”It does get better, Jane. But it does no good to keep it all in.”

Jane leaned into him and he wrapped an arm around her.

”Want to go out to the couch and watch Christmas movies for the rest of the day?”

”OK,” Jane agreed. ~ On Monday, Jane had a doctor’s appointment to see how her recovery was going.

”Do you want me to come with?” Spencer asked.

”You can if you want. It’s up to you,” she told him. He decided to go with and went to also get ready.

The doctor informed her that her ribs would probably be healed in a week, but her lung would take up to four more weeks to heal completely.

On the way home, Reid decided to stop at work to get more paperwork.

”Aren’t you going to come up with me?” he asked Jane when he realized she wasn’t moving to get out of the car.

”I’m not going up there looking like this. I’m in sweats,” Jane told him.

”Janey, nobody cares what you’re wearing. They’d be happy to see you,” he insisted. Still, she refused. Spencer sighed and exited the car alone, heading into the building and up to the BAU.

“Hey pretty boy,” Morgan greeted him.

“Hey guys,” he replied, looking at Morgan and Garcia.

“Didn’t Jane have a doctor’s appointment this morning?” Garcia questioned.

“Yeah. We’re on the way home from it now. I wanted to pick up some paperwork.”

“So where’s Jane?”

Reid sighed. “Waiting in the car. She didn’t want to come up here ‘looking like she does’,” he explained, using air quotes.

“That doesn’t matter,” Morgan said.

“I know. I told her that, but she wouldn’t listen to me. She hasn’t been herself lately,” he confessed. “I’m worried about her.”

Before they could respond, JJ came over to them, informing the group that there was a case.

Reid nodded. “I’ll meet everyone on the jet and get caught up. I have to drive Jane home.”

When he got back to the car, he told Jane about the case and drove her home, dropping her off before turning around and driving back.

~ The next day Jane got a call from Jack.

“Hey Jane, so I thought about it and I’d like to move into your old apartment if you’re still ok with it,” he told her.

“Oh, Jack, that’s great!”

“How about we do it this weekend?”

“Hmm. Can we wait until January? I still can’t lift that much stuff and I’d like to help.”

“I think it’s better to do it sooner rather than later,” Jack insisted.

Jane thought for a moment before sighing, “Fine. I guess that can work. I’ll see if Morgan can help you guys.”

“Awesome! Just let me know. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Alright, bye.” Reid called later that night to check in on her. “Hey, how are you doing?”

“I’m alright. Jack called earlier. He’s agreed to move into my old apartment, but he wants to do it this weekend. Will you ask Morgan if he’ll help out?”

“Yeah, sure.”

“Great. I’m pretty tired. I think I’m going to go to bed here soon.”

“Oh, alright. I love you.”

“I love you too.” Jane hung up.

Spencer sighed and stared at his phone. She still sounded like she was in a gloomy mood. He thought of an idea and called up Garcia.

“Hey, Garcia.”

“Hey, I thought you guys were calling it a night?” she questioned.

“We are, but I want you to do something for me.”

“Of course. What is it?”

“Can you call Jane tomorrow and check in on her? I’m worried about her.”

“Sure thing!”

“Thank you, Garcia. I really appreciate it.

~

True to her word, Garcia called Jane the next day, but Jane didn’t pick up. She tried calling again a few times throughout the day but never got an answer. Remaining persistent, she decided to head to the apartment after work to check on her in person.

Jane laid on the couch, rereading the same paragraph of her book over and over again. She heard a knock at the door but ignored it.

“Jane? I know you’re in there,” she heard Garcia call through the door. “Please let me in.”

Jane set her book down but didn’t get up.

“I brought you a gift basket with bath goodies and some hot chocolate mix.”

Jane sighed and finally stood up, stretching before heading over to the door. She opened it then turned back around to return to the couch, not even offering Garcia a greeting. She sat back down and pulled her knees up to her chest.

“Jane, talk to me. Please?” Garcia pleaded, coming in and setting her gift basket down on the coffee table. She took a seat next to her on the couch and gingerly placed a caring hand on her shoulder.

Jane turned and looked at her. After a split second, she burst out crying.

“I’m so tired, Penelope!” she sobbed. “I’m exhausted but I can’t sleep cause when I sleep it’s like I’m back in that damn basement. And even when I’m awake I’m not always safe. Sometimes I have flashbacks to what happened. And it hurts! Ow!” She gasped in pain, clutching at her abdomen. “It hurts to cry because it upsets my ribs and lung which are still healing.”

“Oh, sweet girl! Come here!” Garcia told her. Jane moved to rest her head in her lap. “What you need is a girl’s night. Why don’t we watch romcoms and order a pizza?”

“Yeah,” Jane sniffed. “That sounds nice. Thanks, Pen.”

~

Spencer arrived home from the case on Thursday night and Jane greeted him with a kiss.

“I know you asked Garcia to check in on me while you were gone,” she told him.

“You do?” he asked, wary of her reaction.

“Yeah. Thank you for that. I really needed it.”

He sighed in relief then smiled. “You’re welcome. I’m glad she could help.”

On Saturday, Jack, Spencer, and Morgan worked to move Jane’s stuff into Spencer’s apartment. Then on Sunday, they drove to Richmond to put Jack’s things into a truck, drove back to Quantico, and moved his stuff into Jane’s old apartment.

When Spencer and Jane arrived home in their own apartment in the evening, Jane hugged Spencer and reached up to kiss his cheek.

Smiling up at him, she said, “Now we can officially call it ‘our’ apartment!”

Spencer grinned and kissed her.

~~~~~~~~~~

Bless The Broken Road Masterlist

~~~~~~~~~~

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