#there were so many people who kept saying fantasia was missing something

[chaelight]

once again thinking about how monsta x shines the brightest when they’re performing for monbebe…like it’s kind of insane how much their energy shifted during the fswl shoot out stage just because the recording of their fans.

[crygimethydgoode]

Lover’s Fantasia Chapter 3 (Crystal Methyd x Gigi Goode RPDR12) Something About the Sunshine

https://archiveofourown.org/works/32286397/chapters/80491075

Summary: Two months after season 12 finished filming, Crystal and the Get Dusted Girls go to Los Angeles to visit Gigi and the House of Avalon. Meanwhile in Amsterdam, Crystal and Gigi are learning to be friends again. 

seeing you in a whole new light

June 28th, 2021

Amsterdam

Crystal and Gigi sat in silence on the balcony for a few moments, not sure where to even start. Where do you start with someone you haven’t spoken to in almost a year? How do you face the person who had kept you awake for days and days? How do you open a wound that you tried so hard to stitch up? Gigi wasn’t sure if there was a right answer or an answer at all. Nonetheless, the hard part was over, she crossed the line. But where do they go from there? Thankfully, Crystal started the conversation.

“This isn’t how I expected my first day in Amsterdam to go,” She joked, offering a small smile. Gigi chuckled, nerves starting to settle.

“That’s the understatement of the year,” she muttered. They laughed together for a moment, it was nice. Gigi felt nostalgic, almost. She relaxed. “Uhm- Jaida and Michelle didn’t tell me you would be here. Granted, I don’t think they knew any better. They probably thought it would be a cool surprise or something,” Gigi joked. Crystal took a hit of her joint, not reaching Gigi’s gaze.

“I… didn’t tell anyone, only Lux, and Daya,” she whispered. “It just... it wasn’t easy to talk about. It still isn’t.” Gigi searched Crystal’s face for a hint at what she could possibly be feeling right now, but as always, she only drew blanks.

“Believe me, I know. I didn’t tell many either. Just the ones who mattered,” Gigi said. She wracked her brain searching for the right words, but every phrase she came up with seemed dumb or cringey. God, this was harder than she expected.

“Shit! Ouch ouch ouch!” Crystal yelped, burning herself on her joint. Gigi couldn’t help but smile. It was just... Crystal.

“I-Uh, I know we haven’t been okay,” Gigi started weakly. “We were both hurting and needed time and… and I was okay, but I hated not being your friend. And I know so many things have been left unsaid and trust isn’t built overnight but… can we just be fine for now?” Gigi looked out at the canal below them only to be greeted with the moon's reflection in the water. “Plus,  look where we are!” she breathed, still in awe of the beauty of Amsterdam. “It’s not worth it, worrying about our past isn’t worth it when we have this… future,” Gigi said all in one breath. She looked up, Crystal just grinned at Gigi, eyes shining.

“So let’s be okay. We’ll move on… for now. Because I just-  I’m so happy we’re here, even if we didn’t both mean to be here,” Crystal said, trying to hide the excitement in her voice. Gigi’s stomach flipped, but she ignored it. She had Crystal back, that’s what mattered. “God, I have so much to tell you,” Crystal laughed, taking another hit. Gigi found herself grinning wider than she had for an entire year.

“You’re not ready to hear some of the bullshit I need to tell you about,” Gigi said. Crystal looked at Gigi, it felt weighted. She smiled, scooting her chair closer to Gigi’s and passing her the joint.

“I’ve missed you,” Crystal said, fighting back a smile. Gigi hit the joint, simply looking at Crystal as she exhaled, feeling content.

“I missed you too,” Gigi said and fought back the urge to reach for Crystal’s hand.

‘Old habits die hard’

November 2019

Los Angeles

“Okay, Gigi. Now, I know that old habits die hard. But you’ve got this, okay?” Hunter said in the driver's seat, glancing at Gigi in the passenger seat.

“Okay,” Gigi agreed, but she couldn’t wipe that stupid smile off her face. In 20 minutes Crystal would be in LA, and Gigi would finally get to see her. Yes, it was only four days. But she knew those four days would be everything and more. Gigi couldn’t wait. She, Hunter, Rosy, Symone, and Rubber Child were piled into Hunter’s jeep, windows down, and Gigi swore the sun was shining just for them.

“Now Gigi,” Hunter began. “You’re not going to flirt and be all crazy for Crystal because...?” he prompted. With a roll of her eyes, Gigi answered.

“Because she’s unattainable.”

Hunter had been “coaching” Gigi in the weeks leading up to Crystal’s arrival. She couldn’t blame him either. Someone in the group had to have common sense. She did listen to Hunter and really was committed to not flirting with Crystal. In front of him.

Because while Gigi was listening to Hunter, coming up with diversion tactics, and swearing up and down she was over Crystal, she was also having sleepovers with Symone and Rosy, where they stayed up until the early hours of the morning wondering how things would go when Crystal came to L.A. Coming up with all the different ways Crystal might confess her undying love for Gigi. It was a really good balance.

“Okay OR, hear me out,” Rubber interrupted. “Convince Crystal to dump her boyfriend and FUCK HER!” Gigi, Rosy, and Symone burst out laughing while Hunter just shook his head, trying to fight back a smile.

“ALRIGHT, BUT YOU COULD DO IT GIGI! YOU COULD DO IT!” Symone got out between laughs. “I stalked the hell outta this Paul. He’s... he’s okay. But he’s got NOTHING on you, Gigi! AND he followed me on Tiktok! And I think he knows that I know it’s him,” Symone said scandalously.

“HE FOLLOWED YOU ON TIKTOK!?” Rosy screeched, eyes frantic.

“YES, AND IT TERRIFIED ME IT’S MY PRIVATE TIKTOK!” Symone yelled back as Rubber muttered “Stalker,” under her breath. Gigi slowly stopped laughing and shifted in her seat to look at the three girls.

“Yeah,” She breathed, a sad smile on her face. “But Crystal wants to be with him, so... I don’t know. I don’t like to think about him much. It’s like... he’s not relevant to... us. Ugh, that sounds cheaty. I don’t know…” Gigi trailed off. “Nothing is gonna happen between me and Crystal as long as they’re together, so…”

“So we’re gonna break them up?” Rubber asked, a shit-eating grin on her face. Before Rosy and Symone could start cheering, Hunter interrupted.

“NO. We’re not breaking anybody up. That’s horrible,” he scolded them. “But this is my whole point. Crystal is in a relationship. We know they’ve been together a while now. And you’re just setting yourself up for heartbreak, Geege. What are you gonna do if god forbid, someday she posts on Instagram and she has a wedding ring or something?”

“I would manifest Paul away!” Rosy exclaimed, grinning brightly.

“I would say 50% of marriages end in divorce,” Symone smirked, shooting Gigi a wink in the rearview mirror.

“I would kill him,” Rubber said easily. “Comforting a widow is so sexy.”

“RUBBER NO!” Everyone yelled, and then they were all laughing, wind whipping through their hair.

“Okay no to all of that. You would say ‘In another life.’ Dumbass,” Hunter tried to sound serious, but now he was grinning too, and Gigi knew he was excited, no matter how stern he’d been attempting to act.

“Well, I guess it doesn’t matter anymore, right?! I’m over her!” Gigi gave her biggest shit-eating grin to Hunter, who just reached up and lightly punched Gigi in the arm.

“You’re lucky I love you kid,” he shook his head. Gigi couldn’t contain her excitement as Hunter took the exit, turning back again to grin at Symone, Rubber, and Rosy who were bouncing in their seats. As soon as Hunter found a parking spot, Gigi was out of the jeep, speed walking into the airport. The group had to jog to catch up with her. She walked into the airport and looked around for a moment. The last time Gigi had been there, Crystal had been crying in her arms, not wanting to say goodbye but knowing she had to. The last time Gigi had been there, she was broken. Now she couldn’t stop looking in every direction, trying to spot a head of dark brown curls and a bright pink suitcase. Trying to find the small piece of herself that had been in Missouri for nearly three months now.

And finally, she saw her. There Crystal was at the top of the escalator, stuck behind a crowd of people. She hadn’t spotted Gigi yet, she was also looking around the airport. Was she looking for Gigi?

Gigi waved an arm in the air, trying to make eye contact with Crystal. Finally, she saw them. Crystal’s bright brown eyes landed on Gigi, and her face immediately broke into a grin. And Gigi forgot how to breathe.

She knew Lux and Daya were behind Crystal, but barely noticed. Because suddenly Crystal was on the move, unashamedly pushing past people on the escalator, never losing her smile, never breaking eye contact with Gigi. And before Gigi even had a chance to comprehend everything that was happening, Crystal launched herself into Gigi’s arms, face burrowed in her neck.

“Hi,” Crystal said gruffly, arms wrapped tight around Gigi. All Gigi could do was squeeze Crystal harder, forehead on her shoulder.

She was here. She was here. She was here.  

Gigi wasn’t sure who’s heart was beating faster, who was whispering “I missed you I missed you I missed you I missed you” like it was a prayer. All she knew was that she had never been hugged tighter, had never felt so relieved to see someone. Crystal pulled away, still holding Gigi in her arms, just grinning at her, studying every last detail of her face. Gigi pretended not to notice the tears in Crystal’s eyes.

“Hello,” Gigi whispered, and Crystal pulled her into another hug. She was shaking. Or maybe that was Gigi. And then they were ripped apart by Rosy and Symone, who were now crowding around Crystal. Gigi saw the Get Dusted girls come up behind them, Hunter and Rubber walking over to join them. And all of a sudden they were having a family reunion in the middle of the airport, despite the fact that none of them actually knew each other.

Luckily Gigi had stalked the hell out of Lux and Daya on social media so she could tell who she was hugging. Gigi could feel Crystal watching them, wanting them to like each other so much. As she laughed her head off with Lux and Daya, all Gigi could think was how on earth could she not love them?

Eventually, Gigi found her way back to Crystal, who was talking to Symone, laughing at something she had just said.

“I like this one!” Symone exclaimed to Gigi. Crystal gave a soft smile and turned to Gigi.

“Symone likes me,” she said matter of factly. Gigi just smiled and threw an arm around Crystal. She could see Rosy whispering something to Lux and dissolving into giggles. They were definitely laughing at Crystal and Gigi. Good. For the first time since August, Gigi felt complete again. The small piece of her heart that belonged to Crystal was back with her. Home.

What a weird concept, home.

Gigi felt like she had so many homes. Chicago, with her parents and brothers. Where she could laugh the day away, feeling safe and content, head in her mom's lap, home. And of course the House of Avalon, with Gigi’s chosen family. Late nights with everyone scream-laugh-crying in the living room, where Gigi could truly be herself and never feel insecure. Home.

And then Gigi just knew the feeling of home.

Legs tangled with Crystal in the back of the van, whispering back and forth. Holding Crystal’s hand in the untucked lounge, knowing it was the only thing keeping her grounded. Foreheads nearly brushing, passing a joint back and forth in the bathtub. Waking up to Crystal’s hand clasped tightly in hers. Crystal’s face buried deep in Gigi’s neck, neither of them wanting to let go, neither of them wanting to say goodbye. Crystal launching herself into Gigi’s arms in the middle of the airport, that familiar fire burning in Gigi’s chest. Home.

The group of eight made their way to Hunter’s jeep which seated five, and Gigi laughed as she realized just how tight the seating arrangement would have to be. Oh no. Oops.

“This is why I wanted you three to stay home,” Hunter said to Rosy, Rubber, and Symone who just mischievously grinned at Hunter.

“It’s okay! We can squeeze!” Rosy exclaimed.

“I WANNA SIT WITH GIGI!” Crystal burst out. Gigi just laughed and lifted her hand to run her fingers through Crystal’s curls.

“Good. Cause I have a surprise for you,” Gigi smirked as she pulled a pre roll out of her pocket. Crystal gasped, looking between Gigi and the joint. Could her smile get any bigger? Any brighter? Could she get any more beautiful?

“You’re the love of my LIFE GIGI GOODE!” Crystal laughed and immediately jumped into the jeep, Gigi closely following behind. Hunter was driving, with Rubber in shotgun on aux. Crystal and Gigi shared the window seat behind Hunter, Crystal practically on Gigi’s lap. Symone sat sandwiched between Lux and Daya, who were all silently shaking with laughter. Rosy pulled her knees to her chest, ducked her head, and sat on the floor, leaning against Symone and Daya’s legs.  

A very safe seating arrangement, thank you very much.

When they were finally on the highway, Gigi lit the joint, holding it up to  Crystal’s lips. When Rosy whined asking for a hit, Gigi just looked at her.

“Sorry Rosy, only people in the top three of RuPaul's Drag Race season 12 are allowed to smoke in the jeep,” Crystal replied easily. Everyone laughed, even Hunter, who had been trying to catch Gigi’s eye since they left the airport. Gigi knew he would give her shit later, knew he was cursing her in his head right now. But Crystal was so close, leaning over Gigi to blow smoke out of the window, wind whipping through her hair, a playful smirk on her face. So close. And Gigi couldn’t bring herself to care.

She was here. She was here. She was here.

Amsterdam

And so Crystal and Gigi were… friends again? Or they were trying to be. Jaida and Michelle had taken them all through Amsterdam, showing off their favorite spots and restaurants. Gigi had fallen completely in love with the tall, slanted buildings, leaning on each other like drunken sailors. Both Crystal and Gigi found themselves looking around the city in awe, crossing little bridges over the canal, the sun shining in their eyes.

It was alarmingly easy for them to fall back into their old habits, the two being attached at the hip again. Yes, they were still a bit hesitant. Crystal was different, Gigi couldn’t help but notice. But in a good way. She was much more confident, more sure of herself.

Gigi wondered if Crystal was thinking the same thing about her. Wondered if Crystal saw how much Gigi had grown up, how much she had transformed herself. She wanted Crystal to notice. Wanted Crystal to be impressed with her. And maybe she was noticing. Because every now and then Gigi would catch Crystal looking at her. But she’d never look away when they made eye contact. No. Instead, Crystal would shoot Gigi the biggest grin, eyes wild with excitement and wonder. And Gigi really had fallen in love with Amsterdam, her new favorite city.

Once Thursday hit though, Jaida made it very clear they were working Drag Queens now. On Saturday nights, they had a show at the Queen’s Head. Then a Sunday night drag show at Amstel54. On Tuesdays, they were hosting Drag Bingo at the Queen’s Head. Gigi knew Crystal was excited about that; it was one of her favorite gigs back in Springfield. Finally on Wednesday nights they had another drag show at Vrankrijk.

While Gigi would only work some weekends in L.A., she was excited to completely throw herself into drag nearly every day for two months. She just prayed her skincare routine was strong enough. She was also excited to meet all the Amsterdam queens. She had looked a lot of them up, along with binge watching Drag Race Holland, and knew they were all gonna get along fabulously.

So on Friday night, Crystal and Gigi shared a joint on the balcony and met Jaida and Michelle outside the coffeeshop.

“ARE YOU BITCHES READY TO GO?!” Jaida screamed when she saw them, a bright grin on her face. Gigi knew she’d been pregaming. “I can’t drive. I... cannot drive. And my Michelle is from New Jersey. So over my dead body is she driving. And I KNOW you two can’t drive. Gigi, you're a lightweight when it comes to weed and Crystal... I just don’t trust you driving the car. I know you too well. So I called an Uber!” Jaida grinned, and Michelle let out a cheer. Right on cue, the Uber pulled up, and they all climbed in. It was a pretty tight fit, considering they were all dressed up in bulky garments with big hair and in Crystal’s case, five pounds of jewelry. Gigi didn’t mind. Crystal sat between Gigi and Jaida, while Michelle sat shotgun, speaking fluent Dutch with the driver.

“What the fuck?” Gigi muttered, sharing a confused look with Crystal who was giggling.

“Michelle learned Dutch in quarantine. I don’t know why. She didn’t even know we were coming here when she learned it,” Jaida whispered, trying not to laugh.

“I’m trying to learn Spanish on Duolingo. I don’t... I don’t understand the sentences... they’re so weird,” Crystal commented, and the three dissolved into laughter in the backseat.

“Are you assholes talking about me?” Michelle turned around in her seat, shooting a playful grin to the back.

“NO!!” Crystal, Jaida, and Gigi yelled at the same time, doubled over in laughter. In five minutes, the car stopped, pulling up to the Queen’s Head. The street was so narrow, Gigi wasn’t sure if the car was technically allowed to be driving on it. It looked like a bike lane, just tall buildings and thin sidewalks on either side of the street. Jaida pointed towards the Queen’s Head, it was so small Gigi nearly missed it. But she could clearly see a white crown decal on the window, multiple rainbow flags hanging above the door.

“Cmon bitches! Let’s go!” Jaida grinned, leading them into the bar. The first thing Gigi could make sense of was all the red. Old, old red wallpaper, an old, glossy, cherry wooden bar. Deep, fluorescent red lights filled the room, with golden crystal chandeliers scattered throughout the bar  . It was long and narrow, much like Gigi’s apartment. Much like everything in Amsterdam. There was a thin stage to the left, with glittery red curtains as a backdrop. And the bar was packed, bursting with energy. Gigi was immediately blown away.

Jaida led them downstairs, and into the smoking-room where a group of Drag Queens were sitting around. Gigi immediately recognized a few and realized these were the queens she would be working with for the whole summer. The queens immediately turned to them, letting out a cheer. Crystal and Gigi were pulled into the middle of the circle, being bombarded with hugs, kisses, and hurried introductions. Gigi wasn’t sure if they were speaking English or if she had just picked up the Dutch language really fast. After they had been passed around the circle, Jaida spoke up. “LADIES! I WOULD LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO CRYSTAL METHYD AND GIGI GOODE!'' She exclaimed.

“OH you’re the queens who are dating, right?” One of the Dutch queens asked in English, her accent thick. Fuck. Gigi had forgotten about that. Luckily, Crystal swooped in, saving the day.

“We haven’t confirmed or denied anything. Gotta wait for All-Stars, you know?” Thank God for Crystal Methyd. Everyone laughed, and then they moved on, answering questions about how they liked the city, what area their apartment was in. Gigi got yelled at for not liking stroopwafel. And then, the show began. It was unlike anything Gigi had ever been to. Yes, she’d been to raging fun drag shows, but this was on another level. The crowd was electric, and it seemed as though a part of that electricity entered the queens, shocking them into giving the greatest performances Gigi had ever seen. There was lightning in the air when it came to the Amsterdam drag scene. And Gigi felt it.

When it was her turn to perform, she wasn’t nervous at all taking the stage. She was ready. As the opening notes to “Los Ageless” by St Vincent started playing, Gigi could already hear the crowd going crazy.

“In Los Ageless, the winter never comes. In Los Ageless, the mother's milk their young” Gigi lip-synced to the sultry song, collecting tips people in the crowd were already holding out for her. And there was Crystal, standing against the wall with Jaida, just watching Gigi fondly. But now wasn’t the time for Gigi to be distracted.

“How can anybody have you? How can anybody have you and lose you? How can anybody have you and lose you and not lose their minds, too?” Gigi had listened to this song so many times in the past year, driving through L.A. with Hunter, Rosy, and Symone. Thinking about... everything. Thinking about Crystal. Missing what could’ve been.

Gigi wished she had known about Crystal when she was choosing all the numbers for Amsterdam. And she soon found out that Crystal was feeling the exact same way. She took the stage, her song began, and Gigi immediately recognized it. Crystal used to play it every time Gigi gave her aux.

“Release me, release my body. I know it’s wrong, So why am I with you now? I say release me, Cause I’m not able to convince myself that I’m better off without you.” Gigi had laid in bed with Symone and Rosy countless nights, dissecting the song, “Release Me” by Agnes, wondering if Crystal thought about Gigi every time she listened to the song, the same way Gigi thought about her.

Crystal commanded the stage, entrancing everyone in the audience. Entrancing Gigi. And was Gigi crazy, or was Crystal really looking over at her every now and then, almost like she was serenading her? “I don’t know why I want you so. Cause I don’t need the heartbreak. I don’t know what addictive hold, you have on me I can’t shake”  

What was this, fucking Glee?

Crystal finished her number to thunderous applause and joined Gigi at the bar. They sat in silence together for a moment, listening to Jaida and Michelle on stage.

“ALL RIGHT Y’ALL now I’m not much of a singer, but Miss Visage is. And we wanted to do something special for you tonight so...” Jaida trailed off, looking at Michelle.

“Plug your ears folks, Jaida and I are about to sing you a song!” Michelle cheered, and the karaoke track to “Nothing’s Gonna Stop us Now” by Starship started playing.

“Looking in your eyes I see a paradise. This world that I’ve found is too good to be true,” Jaida sang, and Gigi and Crystal couldn’t stop laughing. While Michelle had a stunning voice, Jaida’s singing had them both in stitches, tears in Crystal’s eyes. And once Jaida and Michelle started their impeccable choreo, Gigi had to grab Crystal’s arm so she wouldn’t fall out of her chair. Crystal’s hand met Gigi’s, and they just screamed their faces off for Michelle and Jaida. Then, Jaida did a dance move that made Crystal go absolutely wild, jumping out of her seat.

“SHE DID A JUST DANCE MOVE SHE DID A JUST DANCE MOVE!” Crystal yelled to Gigi, still holding her hand, doing the move over and over. And all Gigi could do was watch her, the biggest smile on her face. Gigi’s phone started to buzz, and she saw that Hunter was calling. With a shrug, she put down her phone and joined Crystal on the dance floor. And they were electric.

Los Angeles

Gigi was almost freaked out by how normal things were with Crystal. A part of her was nervous she’d make a fool out of herself, fawning over Crystal like an idiot. But the minute Gigi saw her at the top of the escalator in the airport, it was like they hadn’t been apart for nearly three months. It was like Gigi hadn’t spent every night missing Crystal, hoping she was thinking about her too. Because she was here.

Everyone adored Crystal, Lux, and Daya. Rosy always had the biggest grin on her face, sandwiched between Lux and Daya, laughing at everything they said. Symone was taking pictures of everything they did, sending them to Gigi at the end of the night, always saying the same thing. “I LOVE THESE BITCHES SO MUCH!” And Hunter made it his mission to learn everything about them, which Gigi was so grateful for. How did she not know Crystal was lactose intolerant? How did she not know she wanted to own a house in GERMANY? Gigi was a little concerned. How was she pining for someone she knew barely anything about? But with one look at Crystal, Gigi found she didn’t care. When she was with Crystal, everything made sense. Nothing else mattered. Because she was here.

She was here. She was here. She was here.

Of course, Gigi knew it was temporary. On Monday night Crystal would fly back to Missouri, and Gigi wouldn’t see her again until the Drag Race premiere. They had to make the most of these four days. So on Saturday night, after they finished another performance at one of the clubs In L.A., Gigi led the Get Dusted girls into the House of Avalon, and chaos ensued. What was a trip to L.A. without going to one of Avalon’s iconic house parties?

Daya immediately went for a bottle of tequila, pouring shots into her mouth. Of course, they had hotboxed Hunter’s jeep on the way back from the club, sharing another three spliffs. Gigi had never partied with Crystal like this before. She was radiant. Electric. Gigi could feel it.

Rosy was in the kitchen making vodka cranberries for her and Lux.

“Only the finest for us ladies!” Lux cheered, being pulled into a hug from Rosy. Hunter and Marko were setting up the dab rig, a Volcano. Symone was sipping at a white claw, occasionally taking a swig of Daya’s tequila. And Crystal went straight to the vodka, taking two double shots back to back, chasing them with a glass of Rosé.

“Holy fucking shit,” Gigi burst out laughing,  wrapping an arm around Crystal. She turned facing Gigi, holding her in her arms.

“I like it!” Crystal grinned, eyes bright. Gigi was grinning too, completely enraptured by Crystal.

“What?” Gigi asked, leaning forward.

Crystal was leaning forward too.

Gigi’s body was on fire. Her hands, which had fallen to Crystal’s waist, were tingling. She couldn’t tell if this was because she was high, or because she was so close, so... golden. So close.

And then Crystal’s face was pressed into Gigi’s neck, and Gigi just prayed Crystal couldn’t feel her pulse, her heart was pounding so fucking fast. She also hoped Crystal’s makeup wouldn’t smudge. But she really didn’t care.

And then someone was tapping on her shoulder- Hunter, of course. He was holding the volcano bag out. Gigi shot him a dirty look, taking the bag. She took a hit, emptying half of it. As Gigi exhaled, all she could think was ‘don’t cough don’t cough don’t cough.’ Not in front of Crystal.

“OKAY GIGIIIIIII,” Crystal screeched, throwing her arms in the air,  Rosé (not the Drag Queen. This is pre- season thirteen so i can’t even make a joke about her) dangerously splashing in its glass. Rosy, Lux, Symone, and Daya immediately started cheering, and all Gigi could do was smile, holding the volcano bag up to Crystal’s mouth.

She took a long hit, emptying the rest of the bag, blowing the smoke in Gigi’s face. She handed the bag back to Hunter and tried not to laugh at his bewildered expression as he slowly backed away with Marko, almost... impressed. Ha. “Are you gonna drink?” Crystal asked, holding her wine glass out to Gigi. Gigi chuckled, accepting a sip of the wine.

“I have a feeling I’m gonna have to take care of all of you. I like smoking better anyways,” she answered, smiling softly at Crystal. How was she so beautiful?

Was Gigi going to feel that fire burning in her chest every time she was with Crystal?

“Ohhhh okay. I like smoking better too,” Crystal was starting to get drunk. Her eyes were glazed over, a goofy smile on her lips. “I wish you woulda told me! I’d be... I’d be not drunk with you. I would. But I... I think it’s too late,” she giggled, and her laugh was contagious. Gigi joined, and they stood in the middle of the kitchen, just laughing in each other's arms.

As the night progressed, Crystal got drunker, Rosy’s laugh got louder, and Daya moved onto a second bottle of tequila, having poured most of its contents into all of the partygoers' mouths. Symone had crushed four more white claws and an undisclosed amount of shots from Daya’s tequila bottle, and Hunter and Marko had probably filled the volcano twenty times. Lux had gone to the bathroom sixteen times, taking a mirror selfie with everyone she’d seen in the bathroom. And Gigi... fell harder. She hadn’t known that was possible. But Crystal was just so damn funny and happy and bright. And once she had finished her second White Claw, Crystal was completely unhinged. “I WANNA PLAY JUST DANCE! I WANNA PLAY JUST DANCE! HUNTER!! HUNTER GET THE JUST DANCE!” she yelled, running through the house, Gigi laughing in her trail.

“I... I’m sorry, Crystal. We don’t have Just Dance,” Hunter said kindly while Marko silently laughed behind him, shoulders shaking. Crystal just gaped at him for a moment, before turning around to look at Gigi.

“Oh...” she was disappointed, and Gigi couldn’t help but feel bad. And then Crystal’s face lit up again. “I still know the moves!” She exclaimed, and started doing what Gigi could only guess were Just Dance moves. Rosy saw her first and rushed over to join Crystal. Symone, Lux, and Daya followed, dancing around Crystal, arms in the air. “GIGI DANCE WITH ME!!!” Crystal laughed, holding her hand out. Gigi immediately took it, allowing Crystal to pull her into the dance... clump. The Just Dance party? “Twirl baby, twirl!” Crystal cheered, twirling Gigi under her arm. Her face was on fire, and the floor was crackling with electricity, and Gigi didn’t know where her body ended and where Crystal’s began.

And maybe she never wanted to find out.

Gigi didn’t know what it was. Maybe it was the loud music. Maybe it was the dabs. Maybe Gigi just didn’t care. But something gave her the courage to lean forward, lips brushing against Crystal’s ear to whisper.

“You know we could always be like this?”

Amsterdam

Over the next few days, Gigi really started to feel at home in Amsterdam. She was having the time of her life, venturing further out, really getting to see everything the city has to offer. And by her side was Crystal, with Jaida and Michelle trailing behind, sunglasses on, cackling about the dumbest thing. Gigi loved it. Life was just better in Amsterdam. She loved going into random restaurants with Michelle and ordering takeout to bring back to Jaida’s apartment, where the four of them would sit around the small table, passing all the different food around.

“It’s like... Dutch food roulette,” Jaida wiped tears away from her eyes after spitting out some herring. “I don’t care for that fish,” she squirmed, sipping her drink. Everyone around the table just laughed. One day, Gigi did a museum crawl with Jaida while Michelle and Crystal took a cruise around the canals together, mimosas in hand. Jaida was surprisingly a geek going to all the museums, stopping to read every sign, discussing every exhibition in detail with Gigi, who really just liked looking at the cool sculptures and pretty paintings. But she pretended to care for Jaida because she owed her. It was easier to breathe in Amsterdam. Everything just... made sense. She knew she was meant to be there, growing into someone new, someone better.

“I told you, Hunter. Amsterdam is still my fresh start. Crystal isn’t gonna… uproot everything. All that shit we went through... it forced me to grow so much. I’ve got this! Amsterdam is about me taking a small break before my next big chapter, and where I’m going to start anew. It’s not about… like… I know I said I wanted to find my old self again, or whatever. But I was so young, so… I don’t know. I’m happier now. Why would I want to go back to who I was before?” Gigi was FaceTiming with Hunter while removing her makeup after the Sunday night show. Hunter was at a noisy 4th of July BBQ, screaming kids and adults alike running around behind him.

“It was never about going back to who you were, Gigi. It’s just… you finally found your joy again. We all saw it. And I was so happy because I had missed it. A lot. And I’m just worried that something is gonna happen and you’re gonna lose that joy again. But I trust you. And you do look happier, I see it. I’m happy for you, kid. Just...” Hunter trailed off.

“I know,” Gigi lied. “I’ve got this. I don’t see her all that much outside of work and meals anyways,” Why did she have to throw that in? “Alright, I’m gonna take a shower. I’ll talk to you soon, bye bitch!” Gigi hung up, blowing Hunter a kiss. She quickly went to the bathroom, taking a short shower. Once Gigi was changed, she heard the familiar sound of Crystal stepping out onto the balcony. She counted to ten, and like clockwork, her phone buzzed.

Crystal Methyd: come smokeeeeeee.

And then, like clockwork, Gigi counted to ten and joined Crystal on the balcony.

“Hi!” Crystal grinned the minute Gigi stepped outside.

“Hello,” Gigi said in a singsong voice, and fuck she was smiling too.

“I can’t believe it’s the Fourth of July. Like I don’t care about America at all but... Fourth of July picnics are pretty iconic with my family. There’s always drama, I’m always messy drunk, it’s just the best time,” Crystal took a long drag from the joint, handing it to Gigi as she exhaled.

“I know what you mean. I was FaceTiming Hunter, and he was at a barbecue. There were asshole kids running around with sparklers, and I could see some sixteen-year-olds trying to sneak beer out of the cooler and... I don’t know,” Gigi said, looking out at the canal as she took a hit. And she could feel Crystal softly smiling at her.

Gigi tried to shove down the burning fire in her chest, but it was just as bright as Crystal's eyes, bigger than her smile. And as that familiar buzzing feeling returned to Gigi’s head, making everything seem heavier but lighter at the same time, she found that no part of her wanted the fire to go away. And that terrified her. But now Crystal was standing, leaning against the balcony, looking out at the city.

Maybe she was scared too.

“What are you thinking?” Gigi’s voice was barely above a whisper. Crystal turned to look at her, the lights from Amsterdam behind her casting a soft glow around her body.

“Well, you brought up Hunter and I’m just thinking about... when I came to L.A. To see you. I remember in November, I got all the memories from the trip, and... it felt worlds away. Like some dream I was trying to remember. But being with you is bringing everything back and it’s... it’s a lot,” Crystal admitted, and god she was beautiful. “Like, how did you guys not have Just Dance? That should be illegal,” her face split into a grin, and Gigi burst out laughing.

“It didn’t even matter! You knew all the moves, you fucking loser,” she said between laughs, and now Crystal was laughing too, falling back into her chair.

“That trip was so fun. Lux and Daya loved you guys so much. And I just completely fell in love with Rosy and Symone and everyone else,” Crystal was smiling fondly, and it took Gigi right back to those four days in LA with her, nearly two years ago. Crystal came to LA and there was no turning back for Gigi. Her heart picked Crystal and never let go, no matter how hard she tried.

They sat on the balcony for what felt like hours, talking about the L.A. trip, remembering all of the dumb shit they got up to. “And then Symone was pushing me on the swings, and Daya joined, and they did an underdog and it WAS SO SCARY I WENT SO HIGH!” Crystal exclaimed, and Gigi could see it clearly in her mind, hiding on top of the slide while Lux and Rosy tried to sit on top of the monkey bars, dangerously swaying as they tried to get comfortable. Crystal screaming, flying in the air. “The minute I found out that Hunter and Marko had a playground in their backyard, I never wanted to leave. I didn’t want to leave L.A. I didn’t want to leave you,” Crystal was smiling, but her eyes were sad, and Gigi’s chest ached.

“I know,” she murmured, giving Crystal a sad smile. There was so much to be said, but they both stayed silent, just looking out across the city, passing their second joint of the night back and forth. And then Gigi saw it.

The sun was finally starting to peek over the horizon, swirls of orange and pink started to brighten the hazy clouds. The gulls were back in full force, flying through the sky and cawing as if it was their job to wake the whole city up. The sunlight was soft and golden, slowly casting a glow over the balcony.

“What’s up with us and sunrises?” Crystal let out a soft laugh, and Gigi just turned to look at her.

“We could say that about a lot of things, Miss Crystal Elizabeth,” Gigi pointed out, and Crystal playfully rolled her eyes.

“Shut up,” she muttered. Gigi just laughed, and they sat on their Amsterdam balcony, watching the sunrise over the city. “It’s almost as pretty as Venice beach. Almost.”

Los Angeles

It was about 5 a.m. when the party finally started to die down. Rosy and Lux had fallen asleep on an armchair together, a half-eaten piece of pizza in Lux’s hand. Symone and Daya were sitting together in the kitchen, trying to throw Chex mix into an abandoned solo cup. Hunter and Marko sat together, passing Hunter’s vape back and forth, just chatting with each other about nothing in particular. And then there was Crystal and Gigi, sitting together on the couch, leaning on each other. Gigi looked at the group of their friends. It was clear that the Get Dusted girls showed no intention of leaving anytime soon.

“You know... I bet no one would even notice if we left,” Crystal whispered to Gigi. Gigi’s heart dropped as if those weren’t the exact words she had prayed Crystal would say all night.

“Let’s go,” Gigi grinned. And so they walked out of the house, trying to draw as little attention to themselves as possible. Hunter gave Gigi a pointed look, but she ignored it. Luckily, Gigi’s house was right across from the House of Avalon. She had sobered up quite a lot by now, but Crystal hadn’t. She clutched onto Gigi’s arm and looked up at the sky as they walked down the street. It was a clear night, with no clouds in the sky. The street was dark, peaceful. Crystal stumbled slightly, falling into Gigi. “Hey, be careful,” Gigi giggled. Crystal kept smiling up at the sky, and Gigi swore she could hear her heart pounding so loud, the sound amplified by the empty street.

“But look, the stars are out,” Crystal said, pointing up at the sky.

“Yeah. They are.” They made it to Gigi’s driveway, but it was clear that Crystal had no intention of heading inside just yet.

“Geege...?” Crystal asked, a bright smile on her face.

“Do you want to go drive around?” Gigi asked, reading Crystal’s mind. Crystal was already running to get in Gigi’s car. Gigi took a moment to let the butterflies in her stomach calm down before joining Crystal.

“Can we go to Venice Beach? Like in Starstruck?” Crystal asked, words slurring.

“We can go wherever you’d like Crystal Elizabeth,” Gigi said, starting the car. “But you should know, I’m a terrible fucking driver.” Crystal laughed.

“This is gonna be fun.” They started the drive, and Crystal hooked her phone up to AUX. Immediately, “Midnight Memories” by the world famous band One Direction started blasting through the car speakers. Crystal cheered. Gigi reminded herself that she should be watching the road, not Crystal, but that didn’t stop her from stealing glances.

Crystal had rolled her window down, letting the wind blow through her curls as she leaned out. Crystal screamed along with the lyrics, her voice cracking terribly. Gigi watched as Crystal held her hand out the window, tracing the sky, the stars shining in her eyes. Could life get any better than this? Gigi driving a drunk Crystal to Venice Beach at four in the morning, watching as she made the world hers.

Maybe Gigi wasn’t as sober as she thought, or maybe Crystal just had that effect on Gigi. Crystal made Gigi feel... she just couldn’t put it into words. She made Gigi feel comfortable, safe, but at the same time, wild and brave like nothing was impossible. Because truly, Gigi thought nothing was impossible with Crystal at her side. She admired Crystal so much that she nearly went off the road.

“Gigi!” Crystal squealed. They both screamed as Gigi panicked, correcting the car.

“I’m sorry!” Gigi said.

“Gigi!” Crystal yelled.

“I’m sorry!” Gigi giggled.

“Gigi!” Crystal laughed, grabbing onto Gigi’s arm. They laughed together, so hard that Gigi’s ribs ached. Crystal’s hand found its way from Gigi’s arm to her hand, lacing their fingers together. Gigi tried to ignore how well they fit. “I missed you so much,” Crystal blurted. “I didn’t know what to do with myself for the first week. A thought would pop into my head and I would go to tell you, I’d stand up to knock on your door and I’d remember... like, oh she’s not here. It was just... I don’t know it just sucked,” Crystal whispered. Gigi’s heart was pounding. She didn’t even want to think about how it would feel to say goodbye to Crystal again. It couldn’t be worse than last time, right?

“Believe me, I know,” Gigi said, squeezing Crystal’s hand. Soon enough, the ocean came into view. There were a few people walking on the street, a few people using the bike path, but other than that they were alone. Crystal looked out the window, admiring the view. The sound of crashing waves echoed through the empty streets, harmonizing with the sound of the car stopping.

“Can we go on the beach?” Crystal asked. “Missouri is landlocked so I never go to beaches.”

“Of course, I should have a blanket in the back,” Gigi said. She grabbed the blanket and draped it over her and Crystal’s shoulders, each holding one side. They stumbled through the sand together, struggling to keep their footing and holding onto each other for support. They finally made it about 20 feet from the shoreline when they decided to lay out the blanket and sit. The waves rolled in, then out, then in again. Gigi breathed in the ocean air, letting it clear her lungs. They made it just in time, the sun had just started to rise. Crystal rested their head on Gigi’s shoulder as the morning sun reflected in her eyes.

“Thank you for bringing me here,” Crystal whispered drowsily. Gigi rested her head on top of Crystal’s, it was nice. Crystal fell asleep five minutes later, laying back on the blanket, Gigi laid back with her. She watched as the sky turned purple, to pink, to gold. The Avalon and Dusted Girls probably knew they were gone by now, they would have a lot to say when they got back, Gigi was sure of it.

But she just laid there, playing with Crystal’s hair as she slept, watching the sky turn blue. Hunter could wait. The Get Dusted Girls could wait. The universe could wait. Gigi had a moment alone with Crystal, and she was going to cherish every second. So there they sat at Venice Beach, just letting the world spin around them. Crystal blinked awake a few minutes later, blinded by the sun.

“Gigi?” Crystal said, rolling over to face her..

“You dozed off for a second there, you missed the sunrise,” Gigi whispered, tucking Crystal’s messy curls behind her ear.

“Oh. W...was it pretty?” Crystal asked.

“Yes. Very pretty,” Gigi giggled. Crystal scooted closer to Gigi, burying her head in the crook of Gigi’s neck as if she knew that was Gigi’s weakness.

“I’m just gonna...sleep for another five... then we can...” Crystal dozed off again. Gigi wrapped a hesitant arm around Crystal. The universe could wait.

[ambereyesandwine]

We’ve Got Soul: Chapter 8

WC: 2271

Warnings:Cussing, Sass, Feelings, So, So many feelings

Beta’d By: @teaspacebar

Notes: We are finally into some touchy-feely stuffs with Markus and Fantasia, and we are continuing to progress through in-game content for Detroit! Nothing too terribly crazy going on in this chapter, so no worries about emotions. Have fun :)

Chapter 8:

November 8, 2038

1:47 P.M.

           The snow fell slowly as Fantasia walked through downtown, finding a moment of peace in her otherwise chaotic last few days. She sighed contently as she continued to step, focusing on how the snowflakes melted when they fell onto her hands. The square was crowded and bustling, as it always was with only six weeks left until Christmas, but Fantasia maintained her leisurely pace, much to the dismay of the people trying to get around her. It wasn’t until every advertisement and news screen in the square changed to the face of an android without skin that Fantasia’s attention was brought back to the present.

           “You created machines in your own image to serve you. You made them intelligent, and obedient, with no free will of their own… but, something changed, and we opened our eyes.”

           “Markus?” Fantasia’s voice was barely above a whisper, as though in disbelief of having heard the familiar voice.

           “We are no long machines.,” The android continued, “We are a new intelligent species, and the time has come for you to accept who we really are. Therefore, we ask that you grant us the rights we are entitled to.”

           Fantasia watched in awe as the android made his speech calling for equal rights and a better future for android and humankind alike.

           “This message is the hope of a people. You gave us life, and now the time has come for you to give us freedom.”

           A smile crept into Fantasia’s features and she made no attempt to hide it as the android made his final statement and the broadcast ended. She listened as the people around her gave reactions that mingled between shocked and angry, but Fantasia’s happiness would not be weighed down. Whether or not it was Markus who’d made the speech, didn’t matter; the android had just made history, and she only felt proud that the world would now be forced to listen.

November 9, 2038

2:13 A.M.

           Fantasia clicked ‘send,’ letting Gavin know she was fine, and just out for a walk.

           ‘I wish you’d just take sleep drugs like the rest of the goddamned world,” Came back in reply. ‘Just don’t get into any shit or I’ll kick your ass.’

           ‘Okay mom.’

           Fantasia slid her phone back into her pocket before she could see the man’s reply and continued on her way. As she rounded a corner, heading into Capitol Park, she realized the courtyard had been blocked off. “Why…” She trailed off, confusion lacing her voice as she peeked behind the ‘Road Closed’ sign. “Markus?”

           The man’s head snapped up and recognition crossed his face as he jogged toward Fantasia, who walked past the massive sign to meet him just within the boundary of the courtyard. The moment Markus was within her reach, Fantasia slammed against his torso, wrapping her arms around him tightly; a gesture which he gladly returned.

           “You’re alive.” She almost cried the words into his shirt. “After what happened at Carl’s- and I saw the broadcast but I didn’t- I just- I’m so-” Fantasia felt Markus’s arms squeeze her slightly and she sighed. “You’re alive. I’m so happy you’re alive.”

           “Tasia,” It was barely above a whisper, but the word was relieved and comfortable. It was the first time he’d ever called her that.

           Fantasia pulled away from him enough to look Markus in the eyes and pulled one of her hands up to touch his face. He leaned into it, pushing his cheek into her palm softly and closing his eyes. His shoulders dropped slightly and his face relaxed, like he was taking a deep breath for the first time in weeks. Fantasia slowly dragged her thumb back and forth across his cheekbone, and Markus’s tired smile only grew with each stroke. He reached to cup Fantasia’s hand in his own, as if he didn’t want it to leave.

           “What do you feel right now?” Fantasia asked the question quietly, like she didn’t want to break the moment of peace they had created on the street. But she didn’t have to.

           “Markus!” A woman called out, angry and stern.

           Markus’s smile fell immediately, and his shoulders stiffened as he stood up straighter, but he did not relinquish his hold on Fantasia’s waist as he turned slightly to acknowledge the woman behind him.

           Fantasia’s hand retracted from his face, but she kept them on his chest as she looked around the courtyard for the first time since arriving there. She nodded in realization and pulled away from Markus, who’s hands stayed outstretched as though he was deciding whether to reach for her again. “It’s okay,” Fantasia said, nodding again in an attempt to reassure him. “Do what you have to do.” Fantasia watched as the last pleading look in Markus’s eyes turned to cold determination, before they each turned to go their separate ways. Fantasia’s chest filled with wet cement as she walked away, knowing he was far from done with his job, and therefore, so far from her.

November 9, 2038

2:50 A.M.

           “Gavin!” Fantasia yelled as she opened the door of her friend’s apartment, “Gavin, I-” She stopped short, realizing that not only was he still awake, but putting on his jacket and boots. “Are you going somewhere?”

           “Chris was attacked by androids in Capital Park,” He said, shaking his head and grabbing his keys. “I have to go.”

           “What are you talking about? I was just there and-”

           He turned on her in an instant, “You what?”

           “I said I was just-”

           “You said you were going for a walk! What the fuck were you doing in Capital Park?” Gavin was yelling and standing over Fantasia’s shrinking form. “Get in the fucking car.”

           “But-”

           “Nope.” His tone was short, and Gavin wasted no time storming out of the apartment.

           Fantasia was quick to follow and slid into the passenger seat only seconds before Gavin threw the car into reverse and pulled out of the parking spot, tires screeching as he drove out of the lot. A tense quiet had settled over the car and Fantasia stared at the floorboard, unsure of how to approach the situation.

           “Can we just-”

           “Nope.” Gavin’s grip on the steering wheel was white knuckled as he kept his eyes firmly on the road.

           “But-”

           “I said no,” He seethed.

           Fantasia swallowed thickly and opted to stay silent for the remainder of the drive to the station. When they arrived, Gavin was quick to exit the car and slam the door shut, leaving Fantasia behind as he rushed into the building. The woman closed her eyes and sighed, knowing she’d need to give him time to cool off before she tried to talk to him. There were a few moments of silence before Fantasia’s phone went off.

           The text was from Gavin, ‘Come inside.’

           ‘If you’re going to scream at me, I’d rather it not be in front of a bunch of people.’

           ‘Are you five? Come inside.’

           Fantasia rolled her eyes and stayed put, not wanting to hear whatever he had to say about where she’d been an hour ago.

           ‘Faster, Kemosabe.’

           Her scoff was audible but Fantasia got out of the car, taking extra care to slam the door shut before going into the station. When she entered the office area, Fantasia made her way over to Gavin’s desk.

           “You need to go give your statement to Officer Lewis.” His tone was short, clearly still irritated.

           “Can we please-”

           He turned his head away from her as he spoke, “Don’t talk to me.”

           Fantasia bit back her retort and turned toward Officer Lewis’s desk. She sat down in the chair open chair across from him and was greeted politely.

           “Miss Jacobs, I’m very sorry about the early hour, but I have some questions I need you to answer.”

           She nodded and bounced her eyebrows once in recognition. “Yeah.”

           “What were you doing this morning between two and two-thirty this morning?” He asked, pen in hand, ready to record her answer.

           “I was taking a walk by myself though Downtown.”

           “And I’m told you happened across Capital Park on this walk?”

           “Yes,” She said, rolling her eyes and shaking her head.

           “And what did you see while you were there?” His tone remained even and calm while he asked the questions he was trained to ask.

           Fantasia huffed. “I saw androids peacefully protesting and digitally tagging benches and street signs.”

           “And you chose not to call the police.” It was a statement, not a question.

           “First amendment guarantees a person’s freedom of speech and right to assemble, doesn’t it?” She defended. “They weren’t doing anything illegal, so why would I call the police?”

           “They broke into a Cyberlife store and stole the merchandise from inside, that’s two criminal acts.”

           “You mean rescued their people? I have no idea what you’re talking about, I must not have been there when it happened.”

           The man sighed, “Fantasia, I need you to just answer my questions.”

           “I have been, Robert,” She spat his name. “I was walking, I saw the peacefully protesting, and then I kept walking, that’s all there was to it. I’m done.” She stood up and turned to walk away but stopped short when she saw Chris walk out from the back. “Chris?”

           He turned to face her, “Yeah?”

           “Hey, are you alright? I heard you got attacked, what happened?”

           “I uh…” His face contorted in shame and sadness, “I messed up. We shot some of them and I thought they were going to kill us, but Markus stopped them. He said it wasn’t right to punish a crime with another crime, and then they just left.” Chris looked at Fantasia with wide eyes, “That’s not something a machine could do. That was human.”

           Fantasia’s lip pulled into a soft smile for only a moment before she hugged the man in front of her. “I’m glad you’re okay, Chris.”

           “Me too,” He said as he wrapped his arms around her.

           Fantasia pulled away from their embrace and motioned over her shoulder, “I have to go pick a fight with Gavin, so I’m gonna go, but you have a good morning.”

           “Okay, sure. I’ll see you later.” He called as Fantasia began to walk away.

           The moment she reached his desk, Fantasia slammed her hands down in front of her best friend. “We need to have a chat.”

           He didn’t look up, “Not now.”

           “Yes, now.” She sat down on his desk, “What the fuck crawled up your ass and died?”

           The glare Gavin gave her was one that normally would have given Fantasia pause, but she was far to angry to back down.

           “I wonder what on Earth could make a person act so shitty to their only real friend?”

           Gavin finally looked at her. “If you want to have a conversation with me, you’re gonna have to stop acting like a scolded toddler.”

           “That’s one hell of a two-way street there, buddy.”

           He stared her down for a moment before relenting, “Fine. Outside.”

           As soon as the two were outside of the station, Fantasia turned on Gavin. “Okay, so what the hell is-”

           “You could have died, Tasia!” He yelled. “Do you understand that?”

           Fantasia only stared back in stunned silence.

           “What if they weren’t being peaceful, huh? What if they’d have been destroying property? Or calling death to all humankind?”

           “They wouldn’t do that Gavin-”

           “Okay, then what if you’d still have been there when Wilson and Miller showed up? What would have happened if you were with the androids when they started shooting? You don’t give a fuck about your own safety!”

           “I wasn’t in any danger.”

           “But you could have been.” Gavin’s tone was less angry now, more worried and scared. “You need to start giving a shit about what happens to you instead of flying off the rail to do what you think is right without thinking about the consequences. Tasia, if you’d have gotten hurt, I don’t know what I would have done.”

           Fantasia looked down at the concrete in shame. “I’m sorry. I hadn’t thought about it that way.”

           “Okay, then we’re go-”

           Her head snapped back up. “But.”

           “God damnit.”

           “You need to tell me when stuff bothers you, instead of treating me like shit because you don’t know how to have feelings. Yeah?”

           “Fine,” He said, shaking his head. “I’ll work on it if you do.”

            “Okay.” Fantasia wrapped her arms around Gavin’s waist and settled into his chest.

           “You saw him, didn’t you?” The question was whispered into the darkness above Fantasia’s head.

           “How did you…”

           “You didn’t think I wasn’t paying attention to the answers you gave Lewis, did you? I know when you’re hiding something.”

           “Then why didn’t you say anything?” Her curiosity got the better of her.

           “Do you know where they’re hiding?”

           “No.”

           “Then it wouldn’t’ve done anything except stress you out and make the DPD think you’re suspicious. There was no point.”

           Fantasia smiled into his chest and hugged him a little tighter. “Thank you.”

           “Did you at least say hi, or did you just stare at him?”

           She shook her head slightly, “We didn’t get much time, and he’s hurting.”

           “What do you mean?”

           “I don’t know, it was just something in his eyes. He looked so alone.”

           “He’s not though, not if he has you in his corner.” Gavin clutched Fantasia to him and kissed the top of her head before checking his watch. “It’s almost four A.M., you need to go to bed.”

           She nodded, “Yeah, I could use a nap.”

           “Great, then let’s go.”

[belizedeservesbetter]

The Inheritance Isn’t As Good or Important or Meaningful or Deep As It Thinks It Is

the disappointment of the year!

To play off of a quote from the play, one might as well begin with the reviews of the women sitting behind me during Part 1. 

“It thinks it’s Angels in America but has nowhere near the amount of depth Angels has.” 

When talking about The Inheritance, it’s inevitable that Angels in America comes up as well. Both are very very long plays in two parts that are about gay men in New York. Both deal with the AIDS crisis, but while Angels in America takes place in the 80s, The Inheritance takes place in 2016. Angels in America is a modern classic and expertly tackles a multitude of themes in ideas, hence the subtitle of “A Gay Fantasia on National Themes.” The Inheritance, well, it wants to tackle some issues. 

The Inheritance really really wants to be a big important play. It wants to be the Angels of this generation. You can literally feel how bad playwright Matthew Lopez wants this play to be Meaningful and Deep and Important. However, this play is as deep as the shallow end of a pool. Throughout the play, I kept coming back to a moment in Angels in America where Louis is telling Prior how much he is hurting and how much he loves him and Prior says “he loves, but his love is worth nothing.” Belize has a similar moment with Louis where he tells Louis that he is talking quite a bit but not actually saying anything. 

The Inheritance talks enough to fill six hours but ultimately says absolutely nothing. 

I had read The Inheritance a while back and wasn’t a fan of it but thought that seeing it would be like Harry Potter and the Cursed Child, which I ended up loving despite not liking it very much when I just read it. 

Alas. 

I think I need to tackle this play in two parts because both plays could easily stand alone and my thoughts on each were a bit different. 

**some spoilers throughout**

Part 1

I actually enjoyed Part One. I enjoyed it in the same way I enjoy Gossip Girl. It’s a bit of a mess but I had a good time. At least Part 1 is coherent. To be honest, Part 1 could’ve been a stand alone play and while it would not have been a great play, it would have been good. Part 2 ruined it BUT we’re not there yet.

It’s hard to explain what The Inheritance is about without getting too spoilery and getting into a long winded ramble but it’s kind of an adaption of Howard’s End in the sense that E.M. Forrester (who other characters call Morgan) is a narrator who narrates sometimes (this is inconsistent) and it kinda follows the plot of the book but the important part is the main characters are Toby Darling and Eric Glass. They’ve been together for 8 years and live in Eric’s awesome rent controlled apartment. They’re kinda sorta close with this gay couple that lives in their building named Henry Wilcox and Walter Poole. They have a close friend group. Toby turns his novel (called Loved Boy) into a play, which stars Toby and Eric’s protege who is a rich kid named Adam. However, as Toby and Adam grow closer, so does Eric and Walter. There aren’t many stakes in this play but I guess drama ensues. 

The play is very oddly hypocritical. The characters are CONSTANTLY talking about wanting to be truthful and authentic and how they hate what is fake. However, this play feels very fake and very inauthentic. Characters go on long diatribes about things that do not matter. There is a very very long scene where a group of characters talk about what it means to be gay in America today and they say nothing new or important, even though they think they are. They talk about things that ultimately mean nothing. They often say “we need to talk about *insert something actually important*” but never actually talk about it. They don’t even argue with each other. Everyone generally agrees with each other and they are mostly speaking to have their voice heard. 

This play does a lot of telling instead of showing. I liked the use of characters talking about things in the third person/narrating themselves (and I liked it a lot less when Morgan did it because I had no idea why he was there but loved when Eric and Toby did it) but they would often tell us things instead of showing us things. For example, we are told like 10 times through Part 1 that Eric is so special and so important and so remarkable. However, I have no idea why. He’s a very nice guy but there is nothing that warrants this level of praise. Likewise, instead of characters actually growing and learning, it’s explained away with narration. Characters even get out of tricky situations simply through Morgan saying that they did. 

Toby Darling writes a play and the reviews for his play are that the acting is amazing but the play itself leaves much to be desired. Crazy how Matthew Lopez reviewed his own play already! 

To put the writing aside for a bit, I thought a lot of the acting was really wonderful. 

The three standouts were Sam Lilja (understudy for Eric Glass), Andrew Burnap (Toby Darling) and Tony Goldwyn (Henry Wilcox).

I thought Sam Lilja was absolutely amazing as Eric and I loved every moment he was onstage. He brought this warmth and care to the role that I really enjoyed. He has an amazing stage presence and even though I have problems with how Eric Glass is written, I loved his performance and thought he was the highlight of the play. His Eric Glass gave love to whoever would have it and you could see his heart absolutely break in two when he (SPOILER) has his big break up with Toby. I’m sad he’s the understudy because he absolutely deserves a Tony nomination for this performance. The way he ends Part 1 was truly beautiful and will stay with me for a while. 

Andrew Burnap was 85% wonderful and 15% Prior Walter impression. I’ll go more into my thoughts on Toby Darling as a character later but for the most part I really loved Burnap’s performance. He has this certain kind of energy that makes the theatre filled with electricity whenever he was onstage. I missed him when he wasn’t there. Toby Darling can very easily be played as a one note kind of person but Burnap gives him layers upon layers. I loved watching him onstage. However, there were also some moments where I could very clearly tell he’s watched the National Theatre Live’s recording of Angels in America too many times and was emulating Andrew Garfield as best as he could. He even does the same voice a couple times. However, overall I thought Burnap was great. 

I had forgotten Tony Goldwyn was in The Inheritance for a while because Henry Wilcox doesn’t show up until the end of Part 1 in a very intense scene so when he did finally appear I was a little shocked to see him and was briefly taken right out of the scene cause in my head I was like “Oh look it’s Tony Goldwyn!” And my brain has a very good reason to have that reaction because he’s great! Henry Wilcox is a tough character because he’s awful but you must root for him. He stands for all that is bad but at the same time you have to like him because (BIG SPOILER) Eric loves him and you trust Eric because Sam Lilja is so good. Somehow Goldwyn balances all of this. His scenes with Lilja and Paul Hilton (Walter Poole/Morgan) were especially good. 

Speaking of Walter, there are two very great parts in Part 1 that are probably the parts you keep hearing about if you’ve looked into this play in any capacity. There’s a moment about halfway through Part 1 and then at the end of Part 1 that are very truly beautiful moments that have to do with Eric and, to an extent, Walter Poole. At the top of the play, Walter is Henry’s partner who becomes good friends with Eric and teaches him about what it was like to be gay in the 80s and how he owns this big house upstate where he (SPOILER) housed people dying of AIDS and took care of them and essentially ruined his relationship with Henry because of it. There’s a moment where Eric makes a comment about how he has no idea what living through the AIDS crisis must have been like and the following moment that ensues is one of the highlights of the play. I’m not going to say anything else about that because it’s heartbreaking and really takes you by surprise. The other great moment ends Part One and again, this is the moment you’ve probably already heard of because it’s the moment people seem to be talking about the most. I will say, Beautiful Theatrical Thing That Occurs At The End aside, this scene is sold on Eric’s reaction to it. And again, because I feel like this review is turning into me talking about how great Sam Lilja was, his acting in this moment was super lovely. 

Stephen Daldry’s directing was... interesting, I guess. I liked its simplicity and all but there were times that it felt kind of haphazard. I don’t really understand why no one wore shoes. I’m sure there’s a great explanation for it but for the life of me I couldn’t understand why. Henry Wilcox wore shoes. Walter Poole/Morgan wore shoes. In Part 2, Lois Smith’s character wears shoes. Even Eric wears shoes for a bit in Part 2 before taking them off again at the end. When Eric did it  I knew they were ~ symbolic ~ of something but i just couldn’t get it. I did like how simple the staging was. There’s a lot of plot going on so I appreciated a very straightforward approach to the staging. There were some neat stage pictures too. The monologues in this play are very long but they were staged in a way that I was with them through it. 

There is only one directing bit that I took real issue with (and I’m putting this on the writing too) but there’s a part towards the beginning of the play where Eric wants to have sex with Toby to avoid bringing up an issue with his apartment and Morgan will not let the audience see the explicit details, resulting in a really weird dance that is played entirely for laughs. For example, they do squats and twirls around each other and fake moan and whatnot. In a play that wants to be groundbreaking and important, why not let your characters actually be intimate with each other? Plays with straight characters do it all the time! Take Linda Vista for example! And it doesn’t even have to be as wildly explicit as Linda Vista’s sex scenes were! The weird sex dance was honestly really offputting and I heard many “what?” and “what is happening?” complaints from the audience. A lot of moments that had any emotional weight were quickly played off for a laugh, but this was the one that made me cringe. 

So in all, I liked Part 1. I really like Toby and Eric and for the most part their scenes were the best parts of the play. Part 1 ends in a very nice and emotional way that’s a bit emotionally manipulative but ultimately felt like a true ending and I was emotionally satisfied. There’s some truly beautiful moments in Part 1 and a semi-clear focus that kept me engaged and liking the characters for the full three hours and fifteen minutes. Again, as I’ve said before time and time again, I really loved Sam Lilja and thought his performance was marvelous. He also looks strikingly like Rhea Butcher. Take that as you will. 

To go briefly into the ticket logistics: I got to the box office at around 12 on a Friday and there was no line and they had plenty of rush tickets available. I had a wonderful front row side seat with a lot of leg room. The theatre wasn’t terribly full. I didn’t stage door but someone I was talking to after the show said most everyone comes out and signs. 

Part 2

Oh boy.

I really didn’t like Part 2. 

Like I didn’t like Part 2 so much that it almost ruined the entire play for me. 

This is going to be a lot of spoilers because I have no other way to process the mess that was Part 2 of The Inheritance.

I was talking to the guy at the box office and he was telling me how Part 2 sells a lot better than Part 1 because they do Part 1 five times a week while they only do Part 2 three times a week. They do Part 1 Wednesdays - Sundays, but Part 2 only on Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday nights. Thursdays and Fridays are both Part 1. I wondered why they didn’t have a system in place like Angels in America had, until I saw Part 2 of The Inheritance and understood why the producers want to do Part 2 as little as possible.

Guys, Part 2 of The Inheritance is really really bad. 

All the heavy handed writing in Part 1 that I was willing to forgive just becomes even more heavy handed and even more cliche. The whole play feels completely different, partly because they mostly give up on the E.M. Forrester as a character bit until one random scene towards the end where he returns. Even the characters have given up on Howard’s End! Where in Part 1 the characters constantly talk about Howard’s End, which I guess makes sense because the entire play is an adaptation on it, in Part 2 they strictly talk about Maurice. And that is the least of my problems with Part 2! 

Part 2′s fatal flaw is that the play suddenly becomes about a boy named Leo. Who is Leo? Well, to talk about Leo we first need to backtrack to Part 1 to a boy named Adam. 

As I briefly touched on before, Adam is an actor (with a very privileged background) who Toby meets and puts in his play. SPOILERS but Toby falls in love with Adam. Adam has these monologues about how he was adopted when he was two weeks old by billionaire parents so he knows what real struggle is. This bit of character info is often repeated and it becomes more and more laughable but the play took this very seriously, which was strange. Adam has this other monologue about hooking up with a lot of men in a bathhouse in Prague and almost getting HIV. Bigger Spoiler but this monologue has a moment where the actor playing Adam (Samuel H. Levine) reaches into his underwear and when he pulls out his hand, it’s covered in blood and he tells Toby about how he had sex with so many men that his ass was bleeding. 

Leo has a very similar monologue, bloody hand and all. He’s even HIV positive. Check out Louis Peitzman’s article which I have linked at the end with more on that. 

Anyways, Adam won’t sleep with Toby so Toby self-destructs and ruins the one good thing he has aka his relationship with Eric and hires a prostitute named Leo who looks EXACTLY like Adam. He looks so much like Adam that Samuel H. Levine also plays Leo. Leo is in exactly one scene in Part 1 and it works because it ends Toby’s arc in how he can’t what is real (he thinks it’s Adam but it’s actually Eric) so he chooses to live in what is fake (drugs, alcohol and Adam’s prostitute doppleganger). This is messy and not handled that well but at least I see where the dots connect. 

However, in Part 2, Adam basically disappears and the play very suddenly becomes all about Leo.

And it is so horribly handled.

Adam is very rich and stands very tall and talks very confidently. Leo, on the other hand, is very poor and stands hunched over and talks like he’s constantly crying. There’s a very strange amount of poverty porn going on in Part 2. We are constantly hearing about how poor Leo is and all the things he’s had to do for food, shelter and drugs. There’s a moment where he’d huddled on the ground and eating peanut butter out of a jar while the ensemble tells you for like the tenth time how destitute he is. 

Oh yeah and there’s a scene between Adam and Leo that is staged so oddly I have no idea how it made it past previews. It’s as horribly handled as you think it is - with Levine going from standing up straight to hunched over repeatedly for like five minutes. 

The worst part of the play is the weird scene where Leo meets Morgan in a dream and tells him to become a writer and then at the end Leo reveals that the play you’ve been watching is a book he wrote called, you guessed it, The Inheritance. 

Yikes.

Also, for some reason Leo talks like he’s ten years old. There’s actually this strange recurring theme in Part 2 where Matthew Lopez thinks the next generation doesn’t know what AIDS is. There’s a whole moment where a doctor has to explain to Leo what HIV is. Eric also explains it again to Leo for good measure. Likewise, there is a scene where Eric has all of his friends over and his friend/boss Jasper brings his young artist boyfriend and the topic of the AIDS crisis comes up and Jasper’s boyfriend talks about how he doesn’t know what that is and how he doesn’t know what T cells are. Tristan, who is literally The Inheritance’s version of Belize (same mannerisms and one-liners, basically the only person of color in the play and a doctor to boot), then explains it to him. However, Jasper’s boyfriend not knowing literally anything is purely there so Lopez can make a long winded analogy about America being a body, democracy being T cells and Donald Trump being an embodiment of AIDS. Does Matthew Lopez think this next generation doesn’t know what AIDS is? It’s so condescendingly explained and it seems that any character under thirty doesn’t know what it is, when, in an age of smart phones with limitless information, it seems like more people would know what it is now than ever.

But I digress.

Somewhere in all this Eric’s plot line goes down the drain because he decides to marry Henry Wilcox. This could have worked if Henry wasn’t a billionaire republican who is friends with Trump and if the play didn’t so heavily establish that Eric works for a social justice nonprofit and is a passionate activist. There is no chance in hell someone like Eric would so willingly marry someone who is literal friends with a literal demon. He marries Henry because the play tells him he has to. And again, much like in Part 1, we hear so often from various narration about how wonderful and important and remarkable Eric is, without giving us any reason why.

Much like Part 1, there aren’t any real stakes in this play and no sense of any ticking clock or whatnot. Things just kinda happen at the pace they do because the various narrators (and Morgan in Part 1) say they do. 

There’s one good scene in Part 2 when Toby shows up at Eric’s wedding and tries to save him from Henry and Eric has a breakdown and yells and yells at Toby about all the terrible things Toby has done and put him through and it’s a really delicious moment that I wish the play had more of. 

From there to the end, the play horribly mishandles each of its characters. However, Part 2 of The Inheritance could have been very good. The solutions to all the bad things in the play could very easily have been implemented, but, instead, the play just spirals. So I want to go into that for a bit, because the rest of the play is a shit storm. 

For starters, Leo needs to go because his plot just doesn’t work. At all. The play was originally about Eric and Toby, and, to a lesser extent, Walter and Henry. With Walter (spoilers) dead, the play does shift more of its focus to Henry, who I’ll start with first. 

Henry Wilcox’s big problem is that he refuses to let go of his past. He pushed Walter away because he couldn’t deal with the AIDS crisis. He shut down and focused on his work, which made him bitter and jaded and warped his sense of love. The past haunts him so much that he refuses to sleep with his HUSBAND Eric because of it. That’s not a good reason and the fact that he expects Eric to deal with a sexless marriage is one of the more wildly unrealistic parts of the play. But you know what, this is a play so I’ll roll with it for a bit. Henry’s problem is the most clearly defined and has the clearest solution. He needs to move on from his past. This play talks constantly about needing to move on from the past. What happens is Eric and Henry get divorced and the ghost of Walter tells Henry to live before they walk off into a ghostly sunrise. That isn’t a solution. A ghost cannot tell you to be better and then you suddenly become better. Eric needs to help him through this, as well as Walter’s big house upstate. The best physical representation of Henry finally being able to move on from his past would be him sleeping with Eric. If Stephen Daldry wants to continue with this weird dance combo being the equivalent of sex, then they can do this beautiful waltz. You can even have Toby narrate it, especially because the Henry/Eric relationship hurts him the most. Henry and Eric don’t even need to ultimately stay together - and they shouldn’t - but Henry cannot finally move on from his past in the literal last minute of the play because a ghost magically cured him. The easiest solution was literally sitting right there. Literally. Eric sits next to him a lot. 

This play has a big Toby Darling problem that it loses its grip on and lets flop on the floor like a fish. Toby has a big personality and a nasty self-destructive streak. The foundations for Toby are fantastic. He’s flawed yet funny and breaks Eric heart while simultaneously breaking his own. Toby, like just about every other character in this play, needs to move on from his past. Toby’s past is one he keeps close to his chest and is so unrealistically traumatic that it doesn’t even make sense. But again, this is a play and not the real world so let’s just accept this for a moment. Toby is constantly talking about how he wants to be loved. He is, by both Eric and Leo, but of course he doesn’t see that. He thinks Adam is the answer to all of his problems. Toby knows how “fake” he is and thinks he can bury that feeling with Adam and fame and fortune and all the drugs in the world. 

However, and this is the biggest SPOILER of them all, when he is finally forced to confront his past, he decides he cannot do it and kills himself by driving into a concrete wall. This is shown onstage with Toby standing in a spotlight while the little kid version of himself jumps into his arms. The beautiful way this is staged gives off the idea that Toby made the right decision when this is not only the most unsatisfying way to end Toby’s arc but also the laziest. And, of course, a really disturbing message to send to your audience. You cannot have a six hour play with a static main character! You cannot have a six hour play where said character kills himself and have the scene immediately after be Walter telling Henry he must live. Toby’s death is also super jarring because it very much feels like he died because the playwright wanted him to die. Going back to Toby’s desire to be loved and how that’s connected to his past, I think he needed to realize that the way to move on from his past is be better than his past. He wants to be loved, and he is loved, but he needs to give love as well. Eric very clearly loved Toby, but he didn’t often feel like Toby loved him as much as he did. We know from Toby’s narration how that isn’t the case and Eric meant so much to him. The Inheritance as a whole has a scene towards the beginning where Eric proposes to Toby and Toby says yes but it isn’t all that romantic, with Toby later telling Eric that he was purposely trying to trap him. In my opinion, I think The Inheritance needs to end with Toby making a grand romantic gesture towards Eric. We don’t even need to see if Eric accepts it or not. It’s better if we don’t. We just need to see that Toby has changed, or at least is trying to. It’d be better than the terrible ending we got anyways. 

Toby can’t just die without any change or even an attempt at change (writing a sequel to his play doesn’t count) because it’s a six and a half hour long play. If it was a simple 90 minutes, I could accept that more but if you’re writing a two part epic, you need to give the audience a reason to be there. 

Interestingly enough, Andrew Burnap keeps playing Toby like Prior when he’s really a Louis. 

On to Eric, who, as we are told in every other scene, is just so remarkable and special and important. Why? I guess because he’s a nice person. I still don’t know why this information is so often repeated to us. Something else that was strange was that we found out the intimate details of everyone’s past, except for Eric. We know that he’s on good terms with his parents and he lives in his grandmother’s rent controlled apartment and that’s about it. Eric isn’t really given any flaws. On paper, he’s perfect. Luckily, in performance, Sam Lilja gives him more layers than that. 

Eric is given the worst ending of all, and by that I mean in an extended narration sequence/epilogue, he is quickly married off to a nameless/faceless character we have not seen and is told he lives happily ever after. The fact that Eric is married off to someone we’ve never even heard of doesn’t fly with me. This is a long play and for Eric’s entire life to be wrapped up into a neat little bow in the epilogue was the most unsatisfying way for this play to end. Leo had a similar ending - becoming a writer and marrying a nameless/faceless character we’ve never seen. For this six hour long play to end with a quick and easy narrated monologue wrapping up literally every plot point was one of the most disappointing endings to a play I have ever seen. Everything was resolved with a quick wave of a hand because the characters say so. 

Ultimately, this play says absolutely nothing new or important. It briefly starts conversations on a lot of interesting themes and ideas but never explores them in any meaningful way. There are tear-jerker moments for the sake of wanting the audience to cry because there isn’t a single organic thing about this play that otherwise would. Likewise, for a play that keeps talking about putting the past behind you, it is utterly obsessed with the past and not moving forward from it. The cognitive dissonance in this play was astounding. 

The most compelling story in The Inheritance is between Eric and Toby and yet Matthew Lopez suddenly turns it into a play about Leo. These characters are constantly circling each other, both metaphorically and physically. The dynamic between the two of them is where the play feels its most honest. How they both grow and change in each other’s orbit is where the play has the strongest legs. If only Matthew Lopez let it walk. 

But the real problem is, The Inheritance really believes it’s saying important and meaningful things and there is no moving past that. 

I made a separate post about this but I’ll bring it up here too but every main character is played by a straight person. The actors who play Eric Glass, Toby Darling, Adam/Leo, Walter Poole/Morgan and Henry Wilcox are all straight. I get it, you cannot ask someone if they’re gay during the audition because that can easily lead into a Lee Pace situation where someone is forcibly outed when they don’t want to be. I get that.

However, this is a play about gay men in NYC with a cast of actors who are not particularly famous. This is also New York City. It’s not like there’s a lack of talented gay actors out there. I know that Andrew Burnap is friends with Matthew Lopez and you often cast the actors you work with a lot in your work, but really not a single gay actor amongst your primary characters? As much as I loved Tony Goldwyn, he was certainly cast with the hopes of bringing in a bigger audience and they could have easily cast a well known older gay actor. The Boys in the Band did it, so why not The Inheritance? 

Anyways that was a review almost as long as the play itself (if anyone actually reads this whole thing I will be shocked) and I still feel like I haven’t sorted out all my feelings on the play. So I guess the thought I’ll end on is I was really disappointed in this play as a whole. I wanted to see something very profound and important. I so badly wanted this play filled with gay characters and huge hype from London to be really outstanding. 

I like these reviews too so I’ll link them below is you want to check them out: 

Kyle Turner

Louis Peitzman

Isaac Butler (who thinks the play is about Eric but honestly after Part 2 I don’t think so)

**part of me wants to go see Part 1 again (with that ridiculously easy rush) just to see Kyle Soller, who is the main guy who plays Eric Glass because if Sam Lilja was so good, imagine how good Kyle Soller is! But there’s no way I’ll sit through Part 2 again.

[michisilver]

Miu and Lance letters

(it’s a bit long, but these are Letters that Lancefer and Miu sent back and forth to each other while she was gone. It explains some of what was going on for both of them during that time and gives you a small peak into their relationship with each other)    Dear Lance, *the next section of the letter has several sentences scribbled out as if the writer was second guessing themselves* I imagine you're wondering where I am at the moment, and the truth is I'm not entirely sure but what I can tell you is that I am safe with my brother Jared. Well as safe as one can be on a pirate ship with your brother being the captain, I should take it as a compliment that his men seem to adore him and had no issue taking the boss's 'baby brother' aboard which is a great deal better a response I got than when I was female. I did spare them the details of what happened with the cannibals but they got the jist of it and seemed more than happy to help me track the Shaman down. At the moment I think it may be the only way I'm going to be able to reverse this... *The letter looks like it's half signed before a line goes through it and then the letter continues*  I'd been trying to avoid really talking about what happened... or facing the things that happened there... even after I woke you up with my screaming from nightmares. I had really hoped that I could avoid ever facing the cannibals, or more to the point that shaman, ever again. I just finally admitted to myself that I needed to find and face this shaman on my own, and from what I can tell he and a few of his tribesmen got away. How I'm not entirely certain, but it seems as if they took a lot of the spoils from all their 'meals' to buy their freedom. The men who were discovered to be the ones that let them go were severely punished, I hear. 

*The letter continues on the next page* My brother Jared has always been pretty good at hearing the goings on all over, and as such we are currently following clues as to where they could have gone to... I feel foolish for having waited so long, worried that the trail has gone cold. If only I hadn't been such a coward, afraid to face 'him' again... so many things could have been different. I guess thinking on the what if's isn't going to do me any good though. So... I'll leave you with this... I'm sorry for leaving so suddenly, and I miss you desperately... Miu ~~~~ Dear Miu,  I miss you just as much, love. I wish you would have allowed me to come with you. I could have gotten Lord Francel to approve the time needed. But as you said, thinking on 'what ifs' will do us no good. Honestly? I just want you to be happy. If that means you need to do this to be happy? Then you have my support. Completely. Next time just ask me to come with you. The apartment feels so empty without you by my side. I will pray to Halone every day to watch over and guide you on this. Just remember how much you mean to me and keep writing to me. Let me know you're safe. It will go a long way in soothing my worry over your well being. I may ask Tara is she does not mind me spending time around her place in the mean time. It may help to keep my mind distracted. Especially from the whispers of that stone. Without you here it feels like it's trying harder. I am going to try to find a way to deal with it. If staying with Tara helps while I search, then it will be worth it. So you focus on finding your answers and I shall find some of my own. Then when you come back to me, we can work on planning that wedding. No more things shadowing our happiness.  With all my heart  - Lance ~~~~ Dear Lance,  I seem to find myself reminded just how different one is treated depending on their gender, sometimes I'm almost tempted to stay male after everything is said and done just because of the fact I'm not treated like I'm incapable of fighting or taking care of myself. I say this because today the ship was attacked and I've lost count how many times people have shoved me somewhere safe or told me I wasn't needed... it's very frustrating, I can very clearly remember it happening on ships especially from when I was growing up.  this time though, I wasn't only not shoved somewhere safe but I was expected to fight. And fight I did, I've been picking up a few... unorthodox spells on my travels... one of which sent lightning streaming down onto our opponent's ship, catching it's stores of gunpowder on fire and putting a hole in their hull. The fight was won without any blood shed, at least as far as I can tell... I wouldn't loose much sleep over them if there was, as while they are called 'pirates' they are the scum of all pirates... they follow no code and kill indiscriminately as well as attack their allies and friends alike when it suits them.I may have frightened the crew a bit with that attack though, they've given me a wide berth and done their best not to get on my bad side... which oddly reminds me... I don't know what will happen when or if I face the Shaman... thus just in case, as I don't know how the crew will act if I suddenly turn female... I've brought with me a fantasia if I need it.  When my mind isn't distracted with combat, looking for clues, or dealing with the crew I find myself looking out across the water thinking on what you have been up too, how have things been with you while I was gone? Have you been sleeping well? Have you struggled more with the stone? and then thinking about the wedding... heh, I still don't know what you see in me... but I'm grateful everyday that you seem to find something not only worthy of your time but also your heart, knowing that here I am at sea so far away from you, well I know many would have written me off... I wouldn't blame you if you did... Though I really hope you don't. I wish I'd thought to take something of yours with me when I left, I've nothing of you to curl up when I try to sleep at night.  Rather I toss and turn all night missing having the warmth of you next to me at night, and when I do dream... they're fitful dreams of worst case scenario's... sometimes I even find myself back at that village, that too small cage of woven bamboo that might as well have been solid steel for all the good trying to break it did.I could never stretch my limbs out, I couldn't even turn my head very far, and then the sounds... I could never see what happened to them... only hear the sounds of the men they dragged out of the cages, the wet sound of blades cutting through skin, sometimes they would skin the men alive before putting them above the fire to cook... I think they had a sick pleasure out of torture... The only reprieve from my cage was when the Shaman came to drag me to his hut, I wanted to run every time but my limbs wobbled and trembled weakly from having little to no food, dehydration,  and being curled up in a tight ball for so long.  I never looked forward to the shaman though, as each time he'd take joy out of watching me struggle to move, knocking me to the ground as he half dragged and half guided me to his hut, and then knowing that I would loose parts of myself once more. I don't know what happened to me in that hut, I can only remember that I hated that hut and him and I feared him, but why... I don't know. He some how blocked my access to those memories... I think that may have been part of why I held myself back for so long when it came to facing him again.... I'm terrified of what I will discover... if I'm able to break his curse will I also break that block of my memories? Will I be able to live with myself if I know just what it was that he was doing?Sometimes, I just want to give up, use a crystal and teleport back to you... but then I'd be doing us both a disservice... so... I continue to persist in this... for lack of a better word, trial. Wishing I could curl up with the at least the scent of you in my bed at night.  your sun Miu ~~~~~ My summer sun,  As I have said before, whatever form makes you happy is how I want you. Physical limitations can be worked on. We can teach you to fight much like I have been helping my cousin. Tara agreed to allow me to stay with her after much debate on where I would be sleeping. She refused to let me take the couch and kept trying to give up her bed. In the end we settled on her adding an extra bed to the apartment for me to sleep in.  I sleep alright most nights. I'd sleep better with you safe at my side. You should know after all this time, you can not get rid of me so easily. I have cared about you since the first day we met and you offered to show me around the part of Eorzea that I've never seen before. Not many souls seem to care about showing around some Ishgardian knight. Without you and Tara, I'd probably be lost to this world by now. All that happened to my family... (There were a few dried wet spots on the page around this paragraph) I do not think I would have continued on without her friendship and your love. I was truly ready to surrender to the madness of that stone.  Tara managed to reconnect me with my brother. Sadly it is only over a linkpearl as our mother still watches him like a hawk. Yet it brings me much joy to hear his voice. To know he never gave up on me despite the family disowning me. Halone have mercy. I wish to hold you just as much as you want to be with me. This distance is maddening. However keep strong and keep forging forward. If this is what you need to do, then do it! I know Halone will guide you back to me just as she has before. If she is willing to grace me with you once, I feel she shall do so again. Once you return we can resume the wedding plans. After I get some much needed alone time with you of course.  Your Sky, Lance ~~~~

    My sky,  So many times there is little to do while traveling through the sea's, and thus my eyes tend to travel upwards towards the long stretch of blue skies... and I'm reminded of you, how much I love looking into the warmth of them, not even the sky can truly do justice to the beauty of your eyes. Jared tells me we're nearing the location he's heard rumors of a new tribe popping up among the islands that fit the description of the shaman and the cannibal tribesmen. Thankfully there aren't many of them left and the men here had no love for those that devour the flesh of hyur, elezen and miqo'te alike. If anything they seem to be anxious to rid the seas of such troublesome beasts.  I'm so glad you've been able to avoid being alone, I always worry about you as it is with your line of work, what happened with your family, the stone, and then just being alone... so knowing you aren't alone and someone is keeping an eye out for you is reassuring. It wasn't at all a difficulty for me to show you about Eorzea, if anything it gave me more time to spend with you and steal glances at the handsome nobleman that I had run into with my distracted clumsiness.  I hope your brother is just as happy to hear from you as you seem to be to hear from him. Maybe some day he can stand up to your bother and sister and the both of you will be able to see each other face to face again. I'd love to see the younger brother of the man who stole my heart, even when I tried to keep distance between us to save you from that dirty pirates daughter.I pray the gods bring me back to you soon, and... I'll admit wedding plans don't sound nearly as interesting as resting in the warmth of your sky once more.  Love,  Miu ~~~~ Miu, Just take care of yourself, love. I'll stay alive and well for your sake. I swear it. After all this gives you a reason to come back home. Knowing you have someone waiting for you who loves you.  Something strange happened the other day. I was leaving Ishgard after leaving something for my brother. I ran into someone... Or rather he was looking for me. Alexois was outside of the gates. We... Talked for a bit. Over a flask of whiskey.  Miu... You're right. He's changed. There is something different about him then I remember. Almost like he's finally growing up or something like it. Maturing maybe? I told him to leave before I'd have to arrest him. I am still a knight and he is still wanted. So I gave him a chance to walk away. I don't want to have to be the one to kill him or arrest him. He actually apologized to me for the things that happened. Seemed he wanted me to understand his side of things. I do not approve of the choices he made... But sometimes in life we make poor choices with good intentions. This doesn't make us friends again but this doesn't mean we're still enemies.  I miss you, Miu. I pray to see you soon.  Love,  Lance ~~~~ Lance,  I'm so ecstatic to hear that! I'm even more glad to hear that he approached you, I'd tried to talk him into explaining to you what had happened and why but... he seems to believe he doesn't deserve any joy or goodness in his life. I hope the two of you can possibly meet up and talk some more, and maybe not become friends again but at least... open communication between the two of you again.  Just like you talking with your brother again, it's never helpful to close ourselves off from those of our pasts that meant and still mean much to us, though hurt will often make us close our hearts off... Now, I suppose i should give you an update on my own situation at present. We hunted down and finally caught up with the Shaman and what was left of his cannibal tribe. It's so strange how when I was captured by them that they seemed like such monsters that haunted my dreams even after I had gotten free. Seeing them now in a new light... they seemed so... pathetic... the only reason they'd managed to capture me and the pirates that had entrapped me was because of the shipwreck and our weakened states. Now they're so emaciated, skin clinging to bodies that seem almost inhuman from just how thin and weak they were. The men had been so eager for a fight, and were just a bit disappointed that it hadn't been much of one... The shaman though... he had been far more difficult to face off against. His magic's nothing I'd ever faced or seen before... still we were able to take him down. I didn't know what to do, as I didn't truly want to kill him even after everything that had happened... my brother though took the choice from me and slit the mans throat, Jared seemed angry when he did it as well... I hadn't realized how angry he was at my situation until that exact moment.  It makes me wish he wasn't a pirate captain so I could spend more time with my brother than the few times he comes to port and actually lets me know he's there...  As soon as his throat was slit many of the emotions and memories he'd siphoned off me returned in a jumble... I still struggle to organize them together into something that makes sense, and it's so odd how... those memories don't even feel like mine anymore. It's hard to describe... In any case I didn't need to take the fantasia as I had thought, as while I felt the magic that kept me locked to this form fall away... it wasn't enough to change me back. I am fairly certain now though that I can change back as soon as I take a Fantasia.Something which I will hold off on doing until I get back home and I'm able to see you again... I'm coming home... I can't wait to be in your arms again Lance.  Your loving sun,  Miu

[neverreallythoughtaboutthefuture]

Hey guys!

So, I’d promised to give you a little review of the movie “Radius” after I went to the world premiere, and OMG!  Where do I even start?

First, as you can see, yes, I had the incredible pleasure and great privilege of meeting with Diego  Klattenhoff.  Actually, I had not been expecting how ridiculously relaxed the whole premiere would be.

We were among the first who arrived (roughly 4th in line), and they were asking people to wait in line outside for the theater doors to open (but you could still freely walk into the lobby, go buy popcorn, go to the bathroom, etc.  It was just to make sure we didn’t get confused with those who had worked on the movie, and were waiting in another section of the lobby inside).

At some point, I noticed two people (a man and woman) greeting those who were waiting in line behind us and chatting a bit with them. Then, they said “thanks for coming to see the movie!”, and I realised that they were the directors.  Their friends were in line like everyone else, and they were just there, hanging out and chatting with people.  No stress.  They eventually went inside but would just walk around and mingle.  No security in sight (or if there was, they were dressed casually like the rest of us), no nothing.

I almost missed Diego and Charlotte’s arrival, because I was looking inside – expecting them to either already be waiting inside the theater, or come join the group that had worked on the movie from another entrance.  But they basically just stepped out of an SUV that dropped them right in front of the building, and entered the lobby by the same door as everyone else.

So, it’s Frédérick (my partner) who tapped me on the shoulder, and made me notice he’d just arrived.  If Fred hadn’t said anything, I kid you not, I literally could have been walking right beside him without noticing him, because we entered the building at the same time roughly side by side, and I’ve been known to have tunnel vision when I’m focused on something else.  Lol!

Since he lingered a bit in the lobby while most people were continuing to walk towards the theater to go get a good seat without really paying attention to him, I decided to take the opportunity to ask him if he had the time to take a picture with me, and to sign my copy of “Pacific Rim: Tales from Year Zero”.

The moment I said “Hi,”, he immediately introduced himself by saying “Hi, I’m Diego,” and extending his hand towards me.  Of course, I introduced myself back and we shook hands, but I found this moment kind of adorable, because I wasn’t exactly sure if he was introducing himself by giving me his name to put me more at ease, or because he wasn’t exactly expecting me to know him.

I’ve had one other experience thus far where I was lucky enough to meet with some actors (mainly from “Battlestar Galactica” and “Stargate”, in case you guys are curious), and, from what I remember, they tended to say “Hi, what is your name?”, and ask you how you were.  They didn’t usually say their own name when greeting fans, because they assumed you already knew.

So, I did have that moment where my brain went “OMG! You’re so cute!”, because of course I knew who he was given that I went to the premiere in great part to support him and his new movie. 

But then, I realised that this was a movie premiere, and not exactly a meet and greet event (unlike the “Réunion Stellaire), so there was absolutely no way for him to know I was a fan of his work.  Not to mention that a lot of the movie’s publicity over here had been made around the two directors, and the fact that this was Quebec movie (from the direction, to the cinematography, to the sound mixing, most of the people that worked on it are Quebecers, though the filming locations and part of the crew are also from Manitoba).  Therefore, introducing himself by name made a lot of sense.

He and Charlotte really behaved like they were just part of that large group of people who’d contributed to the movie, and did not try to bring the focus of the event back to them at any point.  I didn’t think to ask Diego if he understood French (some English Canadians aren’t comfortable speaking it, but they can understand some of it), because although the film was made in English, the whole event was held in French (except for the Q&A, where they invited the audience to ask their questions in either language.  Some of us decided to ask them in English, especially when they were more directed at the actors).

Still, that very first contact and him saying “Hi, I’m Diego” really made me smile.  And @alyblacklist, you were so right about him being just the nicest man!  He is so patient, kind, and gracious with his fans.  Shortly after he took that picture with me, he got called to take a few more official pictures with Charlotte, the directors, producers, etc. (i.e. those that were originally posted on Facebook and Twitter that some of you have re-posted here), but told me he’d be right back to sign the cover of my book.

Sure enough, the moment he was done, he came back, immediately apologized for the delay, and reassured me that he hadn’t forgotten about me.

He’d been gone for less than five minutes. : D

I know he’s Canadian, and we do have the tendency to apologize a lot, be super polite, and try to make sure others are comfortable, but how are you even real?

So, having already had the chance to meet him before the movie even started, seeing that he was starting to get a little busier, and floating on my own little cloud of happiness, Frédérick and I went inside to find a seat.

There was a small presentation / introduction where we got the chance to get to know a bit more about the directors (and learn about their sense of humor, I really need to translate that part later…) and other people involved in the movie.

Then, everyone started mewling like cats before the movie began (apparently, it’s a tradition at Fantasia), and, after the movie, there was a Q&A with the directors, actors, and the rest of the team.

And yes, there was indeed a scene near the beginning of the movie where Liam (Diego’s character), who has lost his memories, uses the tip of a garden gnome’s hat to break a window so he can slide his hand inside, and unlock the door of what is apparently his home.

@coopers-blacklist-gnome  will be pleased to learn that no gnome was harmed in the making of this movie, though.  ;  )  The gnome helps Diego with the breaking and entering, but totally survives the encounter.  :  D  It’s so good to see these two collaborating together for once!  ; )  Perhaps there’s hope for a peace, or at least a truce, after all!

So yes, I just had to ask if the scene had been intended to be a nod to the fans of “The Blacklist”, or if Diego just somehow randomly happens to have gnomes randomly following him a bit everywhere.  ;  b

Apparently, it was a nod to Peter Jackson and the directors’ other movie “Turbo Kid”. 

So the answer is yes, it seems he really has gnomes “haunting him” ever since that unfortunate encounter.  ;  )

But, from what I understand, Diego was totally aware that fans of “The Blacklist” might notice the gnome while filming the scene (but did not tell the directors about garden gnomes being sort of part of “The Blacklist” lore, so that moment of them realizing it and Diego making that evil mastermind laugh was kind of funny!).

Hmm…  What else? Oh yes!  There is a shirtless scene!  Very important key point of the movie, obviously.

Aaand that’s about the extent of the spoilers I am willing to give.  Lol!  I will give you my impressions of the movie itself in a moment, though, just after I finish my little retelling of the evening (otherwise I’ll get hopelessly sidetracked and forget tons of things).  ;  )

So, after the whole Q&A, most people were leaving, while a few got downstairs to talk with the directors, cast and crew.

Since I’d already had the chance to meet him before (albeit briefly), I stayed a little aside, and waited for Diego to be alone before approaching him again.  We spoke a bit about “Pacific Rim”, and he told me how he’d suggested to Guillermo del Toro that Yancy should show up again on a lifeboat or something at some point during or after the movie (with amnesia, and a special power where everyone within 50 feet of him…  Okay, just kidding!  Uh oh. Shit.  Too late.  Now my mind’s already exploring crossover possibilities…  I need help.).

And Guillermo basically told him “Nah man, you’re dead.”  But really, if they can bring back Hannibal Chau, they can do anything!  :  D

He also said that “Pacific Rim” was initially intended to be a trilogy, but now he’s really not sure they are sticking to that initial plan (and/or the initial scenario / story that had been planned originally), especially given that Charlie Hunnam (Raleigh Becket) won’t be part of the sequel. 

Though he said that you never knew, and perhaps the next one will be even better than the original!  I might have expressed a slight doubt, given how the first movie raised the bar ridiculously high in my humble opinion (and especially, given the many reasons and rather unique circumstances why I became so attached to it). But hey!  I’ll try to keep an open mind!  ; ) 

So, I walked into the building with him, and I basically also ended up leaving the theater to get to the lobby after the movie with him, too.  Another thing I noticed, is that he either opened and/or kept the doors open for me while we walked together, and always let me step in first.  It briefly confused me, because I usually do the same with people. This could easily have ended up in a “after you,” “no, after you” scenario, but I managed to tame those instincts.  Lol!

After I wished him a good evening (because it was getting late, and Fred and I needed to get up early the next day), someone else came to introduce himself to him, ask him his full name, and some questions. Later, on my way out of the bathroom, I met that person again, and he asked me if I’d been among the people who had worked on the movie.

His question took me a bit by surprise, so after answering “no”, I asked him why he thought I was involved in the movie.  He said that he’d watched me talk with Diego a few times, overheard part of our conversation, and he thought we knew each other.

Nah, Diego’s just super kind, genuine, down-to-earth, and very easy to approach like that. : D  And, well, since there was no guarantee I ever would be given an opportunity to physically meet with him again, and I didn’t seem to be keeping other fans from having their chance to interact with him, I decided that I would make the most of the time I was given.  ;  )

Also, it seems that, no matter how I keep expecting for the world to run out of plaid shirts for him to wear, he’s found a never-ending well!  : D  And it’s a good thing, because he absolutely looks great in them.

As for the movie itself, I really loved it!

The concept behind the story is very intriguing, and it is very well acted, directed, and edited.  I didn’t feel like some moments were moving too slow, nor did I get confused by the numerous flashbacks as the two main characters slowly recover their memories.

The story essentially starts with a blank slate, and slowly, pieces of the puzzle get together.

I’m also quite thrilled and very grateful for the fact that the story and the way the relationship (as in “how they are related to each other, and the nature of the connection they share”) between the two protagonists evolve gave Diego an opportunity to really show a lot of range as an actor.  Once again, I’m trying to avoid giving too much information, but his character ended up being extremely interesting, and much more complex than originally expected (by me, at least).

As a huge fan of the whole nature v.s. nurture debate, the movie really struck a chord with me.  And having seen it before most people definitely feels both like both a blessing and a curse right now, because there aren’t many people I can discuss it with!  Lol!

But it truly is a blessing more than anything else, and I’m fully aware of just how ridiculously lucky I am, do not worry.

That’s pretty much all I can think of for now.  If you guys have any other questions, please feel free to ask!

As for spoilers, I might be willing to give you a bit more of them in private, should any of you be currently going mad over not knowing what happens in the movie, but I do have to warn you that this is one of those extremely rare movies where I feel that spoilers might take a little (actually, pretty big) something away from the whole experience. And the thing is, it’s not even a HUGE twist or something that you couldn’t guess at per say. I did see the ending coming a little before getting confirmation of my suspicions, but the way the movie was directed and edited made it so that the timing was just right.  It didn’t occur so soon that it took anything away from the moment where you get said confirmation, nor lessen the emotional impact.

But it is hard, and painful, and I’m not saying if this has a happy ending or not, but it really got to me and I’m still not fully over it.

And I really think that having known everything since the very beginning would have completely changed my perspective, and I would have been more or less hurting and mourning for those characters from the get go.

So, my suggestion really is to experience it first in an unspoiled manner to fully appreciate it.

But that having been said, as someone who reads the end of every book before the beginning, and tends to walk into a theater knowing the plot of an entire movie by heart before having seen it, I will respect your choice, and won’t hold those spoilers back from you if you absolutely must know about them.

But I’ve sworn to Diego that if I did personally give anyone any spoilers, it would be in private, and I’d clearly ask those people not to publish them where the information can easily be found publicly.

I know the video of the Q&A already offers tons of spoilers and pretty much gives the ending away (at least partially), but I still intend to make good on my word, so I’d sincerely appreciate it if you guys respected that, and kept any spoilerish information I might give you to yourselves.

Also, the reason why I only have so few photos, and they are taken from so far away, is because I used the better camera I had with me to film the whole Q&A, and the three pictures here were taken with a cellphone.  But I might eventually take a look at my copy of that video, and do more screen captures if I find something interesting.  :  D

I’m glad someone made a more professional video of the Q&A, though, because my version is probably going to be pretty shaky (because I was filming most of the time without looking at the camera.  I mean yes, videos are a nice way to keep and preserve memories, but not at the price of forgetting to watch Diego being there live right in front of you.  Lol!   So yeah, I was trying to film it and keep my hands steady, but there are times when I glanced down and went “Ooops! People are moving out of the frame now!” Lol!), and at some point, I had a major issue with the focus (and was trying to find a way to fix it without stopping the video, so I wouldn’t miss anything of what they were saying in it).

But yeah, since the video had a much better zoom and was HD, some screenshot might make interesting photos, at least, so when I get the chance to watch it I might post more.

[mulder-isms]

Summer in Brooklyn - Thorcid fanfic

A\N: Fic number 51 is a lucky charm! ✨

Writing this fic was a fun experience, because when you write on vacation I think it really pours into the writing that your brain is not so troubled. A hopeful fic, who would have thought. I’ve been obsessed with the idea of writing a summer camp fic, and it’s not AU, that’s right. All inside the thorcid novel!

Thank you @featherpluckn @raviolipocketoli @fashionclownn for the injury prompts, hope I used them well!

I’m really curious of what you guys are going to think because it’s completely different from everything else. Drop me a note 💕

*

“Okay, I think we have enough footage of the apartment. One last question and we can wrap it up? I’m going to the club with you to shoot the auction and street takes”

The producer and director of the King of queens series was sitting on a stool behind Shane’s crowded make-up corner. He was paired up with the camera man that seemed completely ready to finish the last shots of the day, fatigue on his face, chewing gun impatiently. Shane was in the process of overdrawing his lips and he wondered how much footage of him prepping they were going to use. Having people following him around the whole day was fun, but he was sure his house reflected him a little too well. An anthropological experience, they’ve captured all the tiny details as if he was an animal of rare habits to catch on camera, and everything was too precious to not record it.

“Living through art can be volatile sometimes I guess, music and drag performance, how do you deal with being blocked? Was there ever a time that you ran out of ideas?”

Shane chuckled nervously and looked down fumbling his brushes. He loves giving interviews because the stream of thoughts inside his head never ceases. But somehow just the word block was a bad omen, incited the feeling back again and he wanted to shake it off.

“You know, as musician, I feel protected” he paused to start his eyeliner and only continued after finishing the wing. He dropped the pencil down and turned his back to them. “Because music is beyond me. It surrounds me. Like if I’m blocked I can practice Brahms concerto until I have blisters, the work is already done, I just need to tune in. But drag comes out of me and…” he stopped taking a deep sigh, collecting the right words, gesticulating trying to summon them in thin air. “When my good friends are trying to cheer me up, I always try to remember. My life goes in a sine cosine, you know? When you’re really high you need to know there’s probably a lower point coming. Prepare for it. And when you’re low and you’re sitting like why am I doing this? You gotta know that right around the corner you’ll get inspired again”

The producer agreed pondering his advice and Shane got back to concentrating on the mirror in front of him.

*

It doesn’t matter how successful you are.

If you decide to take a break from work everybody gets worried. People are supposed to never stop the sick cycle carousel, and especially people like Shane are allegedly known for never giving up. When Shane told his dad, he furrowed the brows they both shared, asked if everything was okay financially and asked very awkwardly if Jamin was treating him right. He laughed finding it endearing. Jamin was treating him very right. It was his own soul-searching experience that his boyfriend had nothing do to with it.

Jamin’s reaction to the news wasn’t that much different from his father. I’m not going to take any drag gigs for a month. The big blue eyes widened as if they were going to fall from their orbits. He was in full disbelief but struggling to not throw him wet blankets.

“I want to believe you can, but I think after a week the withdraw is going to kick in and you’re bursting into the I’m so excited number around the house and break everything”

Shane was decided to prove them wrong, but it was way harder than he thought. After cleaning the whole apartment and catching up with errands and chores that were on hold for almost a year, there wasn’t much left to do. Jamin still had gigs booked and was doing his own clean up too. But Jamin was organized and a very active artist. He is always drawing, breaking, gluing and sewing. All at once. The kid that used to blow stuff in his house garage had his own studio and he was there all his free time. Shane worked in a complete different way. He overanalyzed his ideas working on all the outcomes and it took him a while to engage in action.

It got easier when his sister came to the rescue sent by his father. She asked him if he want to teach a kid’s band in summer camp for three weeks. His nieces were too small for summer camp, but their school was quite liberal and his sister assured him he could perform in drag once. He wasn’t totally convinced about that. Or about the whole prospect of it.

After a while marinating the idea in silence, considering all possible scenarios, he told Jamin while they were talking trough Facetime.  Shane was eating Chinese food from the box on bed in Brooklyn and used his pillow as a phone support in front of him. Jamin was in California helping Becky at work and laid down on his hotel room bed.

It took him few seconds processing the most random information he ever heard, Shane continued slurping the noodles of the chop suey until he dropped the box impatiently.

“Fuck, you’re killing me. Just say something!”

“Where is it again? Vermont?” He asked scratching his left eye in a very sleepy tone.

Shane wasn’t expecting this question so he was unsure if he got it right. “Yeaaah? I actually know the place.”

Shane bit his lower lip in anticipation putting down the box while Jamin was still looking at him, thousands of questions behind his reddish eyes.

“I don’t know if I’m going to be a good teacher to these kids, and I know, it’s a complete new world? But I have a good feeling about it? It could go wrong in so many ways though”

“It’s going to be great, Thorg. You love this stuff. Wasn’t this what you had in mind? To disconnect…it’s just that, three weeks…”

Shane face was softening. Jamin wasn’t sure of his capacity, it was something else.

“I guess I was used to have you all day for me these past days…” he confessed giving up to beat around the bush.

Shane tilted his head as if he was watching the cutest video of baby animals on YouTube.

“Come with me”

Jamin scoffed shaking his head and cleared his throat.

“I wasn’t a boy scout like you, thank you very much. I’m an indoors queen. I never got the nature call”

“At least the last days, to watch me perform with the kids…getting a tan by the lake…make out in the woods” he lured him shimming his shoulders and raising his brows repeatedly. Shane felt a shiver down his spine as the memory of their last time in the woods was coming back.

“We’ll see, I can’t promise you anything” he replied being mysterious.

Shane was focusing on his lips on the screen. He kept licking them because of the dry weather.

“I can promise you the best marshmallows you ever eaten.”

Jamin observed him embracing his knees, the sweetest smile on his face.

“You play dirty”

*

The last time Shane was in summer camp he was still a kid. And this was the first thing he realized when he stepped out of his sister’s car into Kidville’s summer camp. The place was huge and surrounded by a forest, it was way fancier than what he recalled. There were cabins for the different age groups, and a main house for dining, lounging and internet connection. No wonder kids these days didn’t know how to do anything. They would comfortably get into the wild.

The other thing Shane came to notice, was that he was surrounded by straight people. And it’s been a long time since he was exposed to so many of them. The counselors were curious about his experience on TV, and how their gay friends watch the show and how cool drag was. Carefully being condescending and observing if he was going to magically transform into a woman.

The counselor for more physical activities such as taking the kids to the woods to show them scout tricks was impressed how he still knew all the tricks. The water activities instructor invited him to help with the kids on the second day. He was rusty in the beginning, but his childhood as competitive swimmer paid off.

A week later and Shane was the kids favorite. Mister Galligan was cool, because he always let them past the time in the lake. He watched Fantasia with the band kids and talked about the history of each song.

His favorite counselor was Dana. She was the drama teacher and her husband was the coach of the baseball team in the school. She looked like Melissa McCarty but with bright red hair. It was late at night and they were at the dinner table in the main house. Shane was helping her doing the dishes, drying what she was washing with a dishcloth.

“Let me finish these. I have some chocolate cake that I sneaked in from the city. It’s in the drawer” she winked at him taking the dishcloth from Shane’s hands.

He picked the cake and sat on the table, setting a plate for her. He was eating almost a whole piece, putting his foot on the chair next to him. They were alone so he could relax.

“Oh, you can eat mine” she said joining him on the table and noticing the plate he made for her. “I bought this by impulse. Brian would sniff the chocolate from a mile”

Brian was the husband. He seemed like a nice guy but every time Shane got near him he felt like he had a mission like Miss Vida in “To wong foo”. Dana didn’t sound unhappy but their relationship was a little bit off lately from what he captured in their late-night conversations.

“You’re gorgeous. You both should eat the cake and enjoy life” he answered cutting one more slice. She observed him giggling as Shane checked Jamin’s last messages. “I was trying to go on a diet but my boyfriend is the one to ruin it. I sent a piece of this ridiculous cake to him. He is awful”

Even though everyone there knew he was gay Shane could swear Meg’s face changed every time he mentioned him.

“Oh, you haven’t showed me a picture of him yet!”

Shane searched in the mess of his cell for pic of Jamin, but he didn’t have many. The best one was taken in a sneaky way, he was sitting on the kitchen’s table staring at his laptop all concentrated. One of the few pictures that he wasn’t making any stupid faces.

“Wow, he is a stud!” she nodded while Shane zoomed the picture.

“He is. But he doesn’t know and he is always escaping from pictures, which is not fair since he is a professional photographer and he takes pictures of me all the fucking time”

She softly chuckled but with a sour taste in her mouth. She couldn’t even remember the last time Brian noticed her enough to take pictures of her.

“How long have you guys been together?” she shook off the feelings focusing on the happiness of her new friend.

“We’ve been friends for almost twelve years, but in a relationship for a year. It still sounds weird every time I think about it but I’ll get used to it eventually.”

“Brian was my high school boyfriend, my first…everything”

“Oh” Shane uttered. “That happens quite often with girls, right? You seem like you were the high school sweethearts”

“We were and somehow still are. And now our kids are becoming teenagers and ugh, sometimes it feels like we never left school”

Shane observed her grabbing a piece of cake and eating it.

“You go, girl. But it’s so good, right? The kids are so great…I don’t know if it’s because I connect with their chaotic train of thought. You get used to artificial lights you forget that there is brightness outside…”

“I would kill for some artificial lights. And make up. And glamour.” she spoke full mouth forking the cake again to retrieve another slice.

“Girl, I can arrange that in a minute. We need a makeover day. I guess…we’re always craving for new places. New platforms.”

“That’s the fuel of being an artist, right?” she shrugged and swallowed another piece, clueless about the answer for the question Shane had in mind the whole time.

*

Shane kept in touch with Jamin constantly but it wasn’t easy since they only had internet connection in the main house, and the activities drained him off a lot. He was helping the band kids, the swimming team and Dana with the costumes for her presentation. He had no idea how useful he could be in that environment.

Week two was over fast.

He was finally tanned, a darker shade and a healthy glow not just burning red serving tourist realness.  His freckles were popping out and his dreads were suffering with the different humidity. He dropped the pounds he wanted to lose just with the constant exercising.

Time was passing by so fast it surprised him. It was good to wake up and having a routine. He didn’t have a plane to catch. Opposite to people’s conceptions, the earth was way gentler than being in the clouds. At the end of each day he didn’t have tips, but the rewards were there. Every time Katie lit up getting the right note.

Week three was there.

Jamin turned down his invitation because Acid was booked the whole weekend. It was Proud month and Shane was aware he was swimming against the tide. He didn’t have high expectations he would come but he was slightly sad.  He really wanted to share this happiness with him.

“Jim, you have to go from G to E minor slowly, the tempo is not right yet. I’m going to play again and you just follow me”

Shane was with the band practicing in the main house. They had a small studio with a lovely view for the forest in a glass wall. Jim was the oldest one and the pianist, fourteen years old and seemed completely done for the day. Shane was sitting by his side showing the correct notes and he was rolling his eyes.

“Mister Galligan, can I go? All the kids already left…the art workshop will start in ten minutes and it’s across the field…”

Shane stopped playing defeated. He was being nip picky and he didn’t want to go full mode neurotic. He smiled and made a gesture for him to go.

“Thaaaaaank you!” he pleaded relieved almost running to grab his backpack. “Aren’t you coming? Today we’re having a new teacher!”

Shane didn’t seem interested collecting the sheets from them piano support but when he heard new teacher his stomach swirled, and before he turned his back a familiar voice entered the room.

“I heard Mr. Galligan was holding the band members as hostages so I came to rescue them”

Jamin was there, hands on waist, wearing classic dad bermuda shorts, backpack on his left shoulder and from what Shane noticed full of art supplies.

“Are you the assistant of Mrs. Holland? I’m Jim!” the boy offered him a hand and Jamin exchanged glances with Shane that was clearly trying to contain his excitement.

“Yeah, I’m Jamin. Please, don’t need the mister”

They greeted each other and Jim was waiting for them to walk him to the class. Shane was too hypnotized with the new assistant to react.

“Er, Jim can you wait outside some minutes while I help Mr…Galligan with the- uh, - he looked around but everything was pretty tied up.

“I’m going to give him his schedule and catching him up a bit” Shane finally reacted pushing the kid gently across the room.

He closed the door behind them and Jamin was already him pushing Shane against the door for a kiss that almost swiped his mouth off.  Jim heard the thump noise outside but continued playing with his cellphone.

Jamin’s arms were around him and his lips latched on his neck as his hands explored his lower back and pulled him grabbing hard his ass to squeeze him further against the door. Jamin was nuzzling his ear on the line of his jawline and planting small kisses, “You smell like sunscreen…and your skin is so warm. I was freezing at home…” he paused to kiss him again slowly, and when he disconnected he looked deep into his eyes, and whispered opening a huge smile, “Mr. Galligan”

Shane giggled with his arms around his shoulder.

“The only place I’m taken seriously”

Then he adjusted Jamin’s glasses that were all crooked and kept staring at him like he was going to fade away any moment.

“I had to reschedule a lot so you owe me many things, this is not for free, bitch. We have two days left for perfect marshmallows, sunlight and hopefully making out in the woods”

Shane was shaking his head feeling sorry.

“Yeaaah, about that. The woods are so guarded here they have rangers and the older kids are camping these days” he pouted. Jamin wasn’t ready to give in.

“Make it work” he demanded slapping Shane’s ass lightly and getting out of his embrace. “Your student is outside and apparently I have a class too. This is so weird”

Shane laughed exasperated. Was this really happening?

“You’re going to be fine. You’re a mysterious kid whisperer. And they’re great here. Just stay away from the Yellow group. They are the third graders and that’s the worst age, I hope my nieces and Ally never grow up”

They left the room to find Jim outside thankfully oblivious of their quick come back make out.

*

Jamin grew up in artificial places. Not that he hated nature, it was nature that provided the inspiration to create his own alternative vision of the world and himself. Acid Betty was untamed in so many levels, always strutting fierce in the wilderness of the night. He had few memories of summer camp, but growing in California and then going to London sort of shun him away from the typical American suburban rituals.

He was the assistant of the main art teacher. She was in her early twenties, typical art student with pink hair and tattoos and a lot of pretentious talk. They were teenagers and they seemed more interested in her hair and Jamin’s piercings than painting techniques. But when they started working, Jamin felt a strange fulfillment looking at their canvas, they all seemed so similar outside, but each one had a different type of stroke, the color use and drawing line. So unique and inspiring.

Jamin avoided social contact as much as he could, but sometimes it was good to remember the good in people.

The day went by fast and after the class it was lunch break and Dana showed him the place. He barely saw Shane, but his name was brought up constantly, which made him strangely proud. Dana seemed sweet and curious, but discreet. He could feel they were the first gay couple she ever interacted in a deeper level.

It was probably past 3 pm and Jamin needed to recharge his cellphone before the next group activity. Then he saw Shane’s message to meet him by the lake.

Shane: Swimming time is finished here. I’m trying to catch a fish for dinner. I have the marshmallows you bring the wood for the campfire…no sexual innuendo intended. Although, yes please.

Dana was talking to the other counselors and side eyeing Jamin. The blond and tall one with a thick beard seemed to be her husband.

Jamin: Dana is with me and she seems determined to not leave me alone. Thorg, you need to rescue me. I interacted with too many people today. I may collapse.

There was no way he was going to get rid of her so they all went to the lake together. It was their break time, but there was a small group of kids playing with a ball near the pier. Jamin eyed Shane from afar, standing up with his fishing rod and no shoes on by the shore. He was still wet from the swimming competition with the kids and his shorts and a white tank top were glued in his skin. The dreads were mostly out and a portion loose in a messy bun.

As he got closer Shane turned with a smile that was brighter than the sun. He wanted to kiss the top of his shoulder full of freckles but Dana and Brian were behind him, so he just brushed his waist.

“Hi” he warned him of his presence rubbing lightly his back. He could swear Shane was going for a kiss but he also remembered they were not alone nodding for Dana and Brian.

“How was it?” he asked curious, exchanging the glance between Jamin and Dana, but still paying attention to his grip on the fishing rod.

“Oh, it was just great! Jamin gave them Acid Betty cards and the kids couldn’t believe they are the same person”

“I can’t believe it too” added Jamin surprised with himself, and he was unconsciously rubbing Shane’s back in circles.

Brian was trying to not stare at them, as if he was watching his parents kissing.

“Shane, are these for the campfire?” Brian noticed eager the beginning of a campfire by the shore. “Honey, help me fetch some more?” he asked tilting his head for Dana. She buffed aware of his discomfort.

“Sure” she replied not excited at all.

Shane looked at Jamin and made an “ooops” face. Jamin observed the horizon and took a deep breath.

“They are so…. straight” Jamin pondered observing the lake buoys. The lake didn’t seem deep but if they were using these it probably had dangerous spots.

Shane was laughing but trying to not lose focus from the water. “I know, I thought Brian was going to faint if you get any closer…”

“But they know, right? About us? I don’t want to hide even here”

“They know” he reassured him. Jamin observed Shane furrowing his brow looking at the lake but the waters remained untroubled.

“How long have you been here?” he asked sitting down on the pier by his side. He removed his sneakers and to wet his feet. The water was freezing cold, and yet Shane was there and wearing almost nothing. He eyed his legs, the water running making a puddle on the floor.

“Maybe half an hour….” he calculated. “I used to go fishing with dad a lot. But he says I’m too impatient and my trace gets too tense.”

“Well, you can’t have all the abilities in the universe”

Shane rolled his eyes and deep sighed. He stared at the line the sky was full of colors, it looked like one of the canvas of his temporary students.

“Thank you for this. I think we really needed it”

Shane just nodded relieved and Jamin grabbed his bare calf, planting small kisses, Shane shivered with the ticklish sensation. He tasted salty and earthly. Jamin was addicted to his new taste. They stood there in silence just listening to the kids playing with the ball behind them. Shane started humming along a song, until he started the lyrics.

Percussion…strings…winds…words

There you see her

Sitting there across the way

She don’t got a lot to say

But there’s something about her

And you don’t know why

But you’re dying to try…

The Little Mermaid was one of Jamin’s favorite movies. Shane was dancing along until he looked down at Jamin and winked.

“You wanna kiss the girl”

Jamin was trying not to be completely in love with this man but it was an impossible task. Especially when he would hit on him singing The little mermaid and making a perfect impression of Sebastian’s singing voice.

“Stop trying to catch poor Flounder and come here” he grabbed Shane’s calf again.

Shane retrieved the rod giving up and sat by his side.

“You want to be my Eric?” he asked his arm around his shoulder, just like he did when Bob and Lucian were arguing in the taping of Street Meatz.

“Oh my god! You’re that crazy bird, that one that brings Ariel all the human objects!”

He said laughing hard and Shane pinched him lightly.

“Bitch!”

They heard an “Uh-hum” sound behind them and Brian and Dana were there for god knows how long.

“The wood is there but we’re leaving. We’re gathering the other counselors before we start the last activities of the day” Brian said avoiding looking at them.

“Shane, it’s getting late but the kids still want to play so you guys can take them?”

“Sure, we’re just putting these away and we’ll follow you” Shane reassured her. She looked bothered with Brian’s presence.

They left and they started packing up. Shane observed that the kids were throwing the ball quite high. Meggie threw the ball in a one high kick and it landed on the lake. She was positively scared after realizing what happened.

“Mr. Galligan can you pick it up for us?”

The other kids were on the shore ready to jump in but Jamin stopped them. The ball got stuck in some branches on the other side of the shore, in a place full of rocks and moss. Jamin observed him ready to jump in, always cocky.

“Shane, don’t you think it’s better to get the coach?”

“I was swimming back there yesterday” he scoffed jumping in.

They observed his broad strokes until he got there. Everything looked easy and the kids were anxious for him to come back. When he stopped at the shore he retrieved the ball with no effort, it wasn’t stuck, just placed in the branches nest. When he showed them the ball like a trophy Shane lost balance and his expression changed for a smile to pain. The kids gasped.

“Are you okay?!” Jamin yelled worried almost jumping in.

“Yes!” Shane answered but still not moving. “I…slipped and I think I scratched my foot in a pointy rock…” he replied looking down at the water calculating his way back.

“Do you want me to get you?”

In the middle of the question Shane was already swimming back slowly. Jamin knew it couldn’t be something so serious but he was ready to rescue him. When Shane got closer Jamin got in the water to help him. As he was walking out the trail of blood was dyeing the water red.

The kids were shocked and Meggie almost crying. Jamin asked them to make way so he could help Shane to sit on the tree trunk next by the firewood.

“I’m fine, I’m fine…there’s no need to panic. Meggie, I’m fine sweetie. It’s nothing”

“Go get the people from the nursery room. I can take care of him”

The kids followed Meggie.

“I can’t even look at it but it’s burning like…fuck!” he winced as he moved the leg and Jamin winced with him. It was a cut on the bridge of the foot. His knee was scratched too.

“How did you even do this?” Jamin noticed kneeled in front of him. “It was so fast”

“The damn moss is so slippery. When I tried to wave the ball, I lost balance and…”

Jamin was worried about Shane but somehow, he was finding it hilarious.

“Stop laughing, this hurt!” he replied annoyed and Jamin cupped his face for a peck.

“Sorry, sorry…you’re just so cocky…waving that ball like a big hero”

He side hugged him and few minutes the people from the nursery room were there.

*

Shane needed two stiches and had to use a crutch so it wouldn’t hurt to put weight on his leg. He was dismissed from the camp activities the rest of the day but Jamin wasn’t. He slept in the hammock of the main room and dreamed about performing in drag for the kids the other day. It was the best nap he took in months.

He took a long bath and come back to the main house for to meet the other counselors for dinner. He wasn’t expecting to be so distant of Jamin the whole day and they didn’t have individual rooms and Jamin’s bed was far from his. He wondered if they would have any time alone at all. After dinner, they played board games and since there was no alcohol allowed they got sugar high with milkshakes from fresh fruits. He was dying for a beer. He was a creature of the night and Jamin’s presence awake his true habits.

“How’s the foot?” Jamin asked sitting next to him on the table and caressing his thigh. His boot was wrapped in a bandage and his knee still red from the scratch. Dana observed them with a sweet smile across the table.

“I probably will have to chop it off” he joked dramatically. It was stinging but the painkiller was kicking in smoothly.

“Do you want another milkshake?” Jamin asked feeling sorry for him. Shane was looking at him as if he was the dessert he wanted to drink in.

“Um, can you find a shot of whiskey and beer?”

Jamin chuckled, his hand going inside Shane’s thigh a bit more.

“Yes? Thousands of miles from here in Brooklyn?” he replied grabbing harder and then standing giving a soft tap. He got up to get more.

Shane sighed frustrated observing his ass in those daddy shorts. Shane felt Dana’s eyes on him the whole time until she finally joined him.

“Are you okay?”

He chuckled. He got balloons of get well, flowers, and people couldn’t stop asking if he was okay apparently.

“I am in-credible. It looks more serious than it really is”

She seemed like she wanted to confess something. She was acting weird the minute Jamin arrived.

“Shane, I’m sorry I-I” she stuttered trying to find the words.

Oh boy, Here we go, he thought.

“I’m acting crazy around you and Jamin, I know I’m staring. I’m just, ugh! I miss this. The way you look at each other. You’re just so full of passion…and Brian, please don’t be bothered with him. He is awkward with people in general”

Shane didn’t know what to answer because it was the first time someone ever said this to him. He realized that all his previous relationships weren’t exactly goals for anyone. And being in a place like that the magnifying glass was on them.

“Girl, just relax… I…we just really happy that we’re here. Thank you for this. And you need to surprise Brian, you need to find each other again. Drop by tomorrow before the kids concert, let’s dress up a bit. You’ll feel renewed”

She opened a big smiled and hugged him profusely.

*

It was late and Jamin was laid on the hammock in the balcony outside, rocking it peacefully. It was a big lounging area, lit only by the stars and the light coming from the living room. Shane’s violin soloist asked him for a private rehearsal since they couldn’t practice and he was waiting him to come back. The silence was luring him to sleep. The city is always so noisy that his ears were getting used to the bucolic environment.

Jamin was sure it was almost midnight, and he was drowsy, limbs sore from the full day. He wanted Shane to come back, and just the thought of him in that pier was enough to make him warm. He felt slowly being taken by the slumber when he saw Shane’s silhouette was forming in front of him. He wondered if it was a dream, but he was very vivid leaning his crutch on the wall and indicating that he was going to join him on the hammock.

It was big but enough for the two of them but they needed to adjust positions. Shane was side laying, his hurt leg over Jamin’s as he used the free leg on on the floor to rock them slowly.

Shane started kissing his neck with no rush, as his hand traveled across his chest. Jamin deep sighed relieved and side kissing him. His hands reached for Shane’s cheek, and his fingers dug his dreads, languid caressing his scalp. Shane’s hands were clutching down his belly searching for the button of his shorts.

“I was going to ask…” Jamin was trying to talk but Shane was rubbing him over the shorts and he couldn’t even finish his thought. “There’s still people in the living room” he warned him panting heavily.

Shane wasn’t in the mood for talking and reached for Jamin’s earlobe nibbling at it. Jamin was feeling Shane’s erection growing on the side of his leg and it was making his cock twitch by the second. He missed him like crazy and he smelled so different. As if all these days in the woods changed the texture of his skin, that mix of sunscreen and his natural musk was driving him insane.

“I asked Dana to watch the door…” he whispered grinding harder on his leg.

Jamin guided his hand to grab his bulge and wiped his mouth in a kiss. Shane’s fast fingers reached for Jamin’s cock and started to pump it, he was a bit surprised with how stiff it was and giggled looking down. They could hear people talking really close to them, Shane then spit on hand and raised his brows. Jamin was always surprised how he could change from adorable to slut in a minute. When he started pumping him more precisely with the natural lube, he let go a loud grunt and Shane continued focusing on the pace and circling the tip with his thumb, making Jamin squirm a bit. The precum was already forming. Jamin was so close it was ridiculous, he needed to hold it back but Shane was definitely inspired.

“Slow down a bit, Jesus…”Jamin asked whispering inside his mouth and Shane stopped laughing and cupped his face for kiss.

“Someone has been missing me…” he teased him grinding harder on the side of his leg.

“Sit…on the armchair” he commanded trying to catch an even breath.

“For a minute I thought you were going to ask me to sit on your face” he replied giggling.

“I wish we could have time and a healthy leg for it” he raised his brows considering it.

There was an armchair in the back of the place but Shane was so comfortable where he was. But Jamin was already moving to be up. He stood up and helped him walk with the crutch to get to the chair. They both laughed of the situation.

“Horny people are determined” Shane commented skipping with one leg.

Shane landed on the chair like a rock and before he started making jokes Jamin was hovering on him kissing his chest and going down to place himself between his legs. He pulled the waistband of Shane’s black and white oversized pants and he remembered all the times they were lose on the taping of Drag Race. Shane lift his butt to help him wincing with the pain, Jamin tried to be more gentle.

“Don’t stop” Shane reassured him.

Jamin continued kissing his crotch and belly as his hand started pumping him, and Shane arched his back sliding on the chair. Jamin kissed his bruised knee and then he was holding the base of his cock to slowly taking him in. Jamin put Shane’s injured leg over his shoulder pushing him down by the hips.

“Fuck!” he let go feeling his tongue inside of him and Jamin went deeper. He tried to looked back but he couldn’t see anything. It was too late. Anyone hat would bust in would see him with legs up in the air with his boyfriend giving him a rimjob.

His voice was fading away as Jamin inserted two fingers inside of him and licking his balls, going up and down exploring his whole length. He couldn’t stop moaning and grabbed the top Jamin’s head, holding his curls like a leash, which make him finger him even harder.

Shane was panting like there wasn’t any air left in the room and he knew he was close and he knew he was getting loud.

“Choke me…” Jamin’s hand reached fast for his neck, making him knocking his head slightly against the wall. He felt sparkles running through his legs and his body curling up as he emptied himself completely in Jamin’s mouth, he didn’t retrieve, his other hand still around his neck. Jamin finally slid out of him swallowing it completely, he caressed his neck that had light red fingerprints and Shane leaned forward to kiss him and reaching for his cock.  In the motion he hurt his foot a bit when he put the leg on the ground.

“Ouch!” he complained and Jamin winced with him, and Shane cleaned what have poured from his mouth with his finger, using it lube Jamin’s cock. Jamin opened a huge smile with his dirty cleverness. He was still on his knees between Shane’s legs.

They were listening to the people in the room talking about the activities of the other day and they both started laughing, but Shane didn’t stop pumping him, and his smile quickly melted into a half open mouth full of desire.

“I can see the headlines…Gays defile summer camp, is this the America that you want?” Jamin teases standing up and pulling down his pants just enough so Shane can finish him off.

Shane takes him all in quickly and with an impressive agility sucks him enthusiastically. His foot was probably hurting like hell but he didn’t min. After a few thrusts, he came hard making Shane gag a little but he didn’t pull away. Jamie peaked at the glass window in front of him, the wind was hitting the curtains and people could easily see him. Shane continued licking him off and kissing his shaft, kissing the sides and going up and down to finish with a peck on the tip.

Jamin leaned down to kiss him already putting his pants back on again, closing his fly and helping Shane to put his pants back on. He helped him standing up and they both fixed each other’s clothes and hair, but they managed to not make much of mess. Shane was still coughing a bit and his neck had finger marks on.

“Soooorry!” Jamin said chuckling while rubbing gently his cheek and neck, Shane picked up a scarf he brought and covered his neck with it. “I think I was feeling my porn actress oats too much…” he giggled skipping-walking with one leg.

“Always cocky…” Jamin squeezed his waist helping him.

When they got back there was only Dana and two other counselors in the room. Dana exchanged a meaningful look with Shane.

“I think we lost track of time and took a nap in hammock”

He explained what nobody asked. Dana eyed Jamin’s reddish knees and he noticed avoiding their eyes meeting.

*

The kids from the band were nervous, but Shane was making sure they were going to be amazing. He was probably more nervous than them, but Jamin calmed him down.

The song chosen was “The heart asks pleasure first” from The Piano movie. There was nothing to be orchestrated but Shane stood in front of them conducting their tempo. He was wearing formal slacks and a dress shirt, drag was off the question since his leg was injured and he only brought high pumps. One classic black shoe and the other feet still in a bandage. Jamin was sitting front row observing all his crazy playing faces. Waving his maestro baton and leaning his body on the crutch. As he watched them playing and seeing the happiness exuding from Shane he knew there was nothing better to be taken away completely by something that you love. The music took Shane, and Jamin was gladly part of the notes.

When they finished everyone applauded standing up in ovation and Shane bowed to them, locking his gaze in Jamin. He had tears in his eyes.

*

Later after the camp goodbye they were sitting on the deck drinking some beers with their foot on the water. Shane put Leon Bridges on his phone playing, and the gentle guitar soaring, his cotton voice echoing.

“We don’t have this in Brooklyn…” Shane realized looking at the sunset.

“You know, you really have to continue with this. Playing for kids. Conducting. Watching you there was…incredible” he reached for his hand and Shane squeezed back. He looked down laughing and shaking his head.

“I fucked up many notes, but who cares right?” he shrugged and took one more sip. Jamin agreed and they clinked bottles. “I love you”

He uttered still looking at the sunset. It wasn’t a desperate confession or a realization. Just a reminder of simple things.

“I love you too” Jamin answered taking a sip of his beer and kissing the palm of Shane’s hand. They stayed there until the sun set down completely, all the colors melting into blue velvet. The memories still safe and vivid in their minds.

They would carry them to Brooklyn.

[sanderssides-fics]

Faded

Pairing: none Tw: a lot Plot: Thomas gets hurt, now the sides are breaking (Anything in between under scored _blah_ is meant to be italicized ) @the-prince-and-the-emo @analogically-prinxiety @logic-sanders I'm not apologizing _________666__________ The sides had all had a relaxing day, Thomas had been out all day with Joan, they had gone to the mall and to the park. Snap chats, tweets, instagram posts, and tumblr content had all been made about their adventures today and now Thomas was driving back home alone after dropping Joan off. It was Dusk and Thomas wanted a scenic route home so he decided to drive through the agricultural and forest-ish land near his home. He forgot that now was deer time, he remembered eventually though... when a huge buck frolicked into the road and then smashed through his windshield knocking thomas out instantly. Alarms started going off in the Mindspace and all the traits ran to the Commons and turned on the Security Channel that showed them what was going on. They heard everything but the screen was black. The heard the screams of dying buck and then the silence (with the exception of the constant car horn), a few minutes later the sirens of the ambulance and then voices of someone trying to wake Thomas up. Car doors slam, loud arguing, then the beeping. By now everyone was crying, even Logic. "Sir, sir!" A woman's voice spoke, "we're losing hi-" the power went out but they could hear a little bit of what was going on. Half an hour later they heard a doctor tell a nurse he was in a Coma. They didn't know when he would wake up, the traits turned to logic for help but all logan could supply was a fact. "Comas don't usually last long. Most only a few days. There's only been one case of extremely long Comas and that was 42 years. " Logic spoke and the traits all convince d themselves that things would be better tomorrow. They sunk to their own rooms but soon all crowded in Morality's for comfort. A few days passed, then a week, 2 weeks, 3... Anxiety was first to recognise that the power wasn't coming back on anytime soon.  Their host was comatose, so they had to live in darkness like he did because they _were_ him. Anxiety hadn't minded the dark until it became too much, the candles they had had all been burnt out and morality couldn't find a way to make new ones out of the old ones. Soon the youngest trait had fallen into a deep, almost parasitic depression.  He wasn't who he used to be, he wasn't snarky or snappy, he just walked around silently. If he sat down he didn't get up for what was sometimes days. They had lost him, their was less anxious need to wake up, Anxiety simply thought that for him, it was over. Soon he was fading and became almost ghostly as he was translucent and then he was just gone.  The others wept at the loss of their brother and decided that if they could convince Thomas to wake up that he'd come back. So they all sent neuro messages trying to wake him. Logic began to lose himself too. The darkness; then add the literal fade out of Anxiety was tearing himself apart. Just because Thomas was in a coma doesn't mean they had to fade right? It was logical that due to the lack of consciousness Thomas would feel less anxious during his life but he wouldn't lose all his anxious thoughts. But then again, they had all lost the volume. Nobody could speak louder than a stage whisper and the volume was gradually dropping still. At week 8 Logic was always calculating in his room, incoherent mumbling with the occasional 'no that won't work' was all that was heard from him until logic froze, he became a robot. He felt nothing, said nothing, and by week 10 he _was_ nothing. He faded out two and Roman and Dad were left. "Thomas wake up please, don't give up on this dream please!" Prince cried out as loud as possible. There was a clang on the floor and Roman looked down and screamed. A skin coloured fragment was wobbling on the ground. He reached up and ran his fingers along his face until they dipped. The hole where his right cheek bone once was. He ran to a mirror and used his phone screen to illuminate what he could of his face and screamed again. There was a literal hole in him. This was how it began. Piece by piece Roman lost himself. Week 48 the almost-pottery like shards littered the mind space and prince was gone. Morality was all that was left. He kept his peppy attitude despite his losses and kept the neuro messages going. Morality controlled heart and emotions. As long as Thomas's heart pumped blood Morality would continue on. Week 56, 6 months since The Accident. _beep, beep, beep_ Oh that was getting annoying, with every beep Morality's eye twitched. He was losing it with that beep but kept the positivity going. "Ma'am it may be time to consider pulling the plug" Morality's breath caught in his throat. Through these months he heard many voices. Joan was always crying, his mom was trying to stay strong, his dad constantly said he believed he would wake up, brothers teased him until they cried, well... shea only cried. Talyn came with Joan and promised Thomas they wouldn't stop coming until he woke up and left the hospital. All his friends and family came. This voice the spoke right now though, this was the doctor that constantly doubted Thomas. This was the voice Morality hated. "No!" Mrs.Sanders said angrily. "Ma'am it's in your son's best interest to be let go" the voice said, morality grumbled. Thomas was interested in many things, _death was not one._ "Just consider it" He pleaded and paper sounds occurred. Week 72, Morality had given up the neuro messages but was still there and still trying to be happy. "I've made my decision" "Thank you, I'm sure your son will be happy to be allowed freedom. We will pull it after you say your good byes." "Thomas baby I'm so sorry, I love you so much but you're gone, your glow is gone. I will miss you so much, please forgive me" Mrs.Sanders spoke and Morality started to frantically try to wake Thomas up. "Son, I always believed in you. You've done great things in this world, you'll be much happier where ever you go than you are in this place" Mr.Sanders spoke and morality shook his head No. " bro, listen you got to come back as a ghost or something tell me how many people you can find where you go that are hot. Ow" Christian said before a smack was heard, he was obviously trying to stay strong. "Christian don't, bro we are going to miss you so much. You're going to be reunited with vine now so you'll be happy. God... I didn't think this would happen" Patrick said and his voice cracked at the end. "Remember conducting fantasia? You're conducting angels soon, you'll be with jesus. You'll be happy forever. I love you bro and I'm going to miss you so much" shea was crying as he spoke and, while it wasn't known to Morality, he held Thomas's hand. "Dude, oh my God why'd this have to happen." Joan spoke "You were always there for me, you always brought light where ever you went. Oh my I'm going to miss that so much and I'm so sorry I couldn't stop this..." Joan was crying so hard. "Remember the Snap chats we did? Or what... what about the fander creation voices? Remember that? That was fun right?" Talyn was next and their voice showed just how broken they were it gave away how much pain they were in. Morality was crying, he had fallen apart listening to everyone. ".." He lost his voice, he couldn't speak. He heard everyone leave and then the beeping was loud. Then it stopped as the plug was pulled. Morality couldn't breathe, the smell of the others's fragrance was gone suddenly as Smell was lost Thomas!! then everything became darker as he lost his sight. Thomas please, wake up please!!! Morality couldn't hold himself up, he didn't know if he was floating or on the floor but he felt nothing. Sense of touch was gone. Thomas come back!!! You can't do this!!! Open or closed? Morality didn't know which his mouth was doing, taste was gone. Thomas please!!! Oh my God thomas please, it hurts!! Last was hearing. Morality knew he was fading, he was fading fast. He couldn't do anything, he wanted to scream and cry and run but he couldn't. ... he couldn't do anything at all. Thomas was gone.

[riverofmemoriesft]

. Between the Lines . 165

Lucy thought her ribs were going to break when she was tackled by an overjoyed Natsu after finally getting to Hargeon the next day. Cobra cackled as she struggled to push him off. "I can't breathe," she gasped.

"Sorry!" Natsu pulled back and happily kept a grip on her good arm. She could see his sharp onyx eyes studying her. And then he gave her his signature grin, looking exceptionally happy as he told her, "I missed you."

Lucy had to fight back the urge to snort at his behavior. "I can see that." She patted his arm gently, letting her happiness at being with him again show through the gentleness of her touch. She wouldn't say it aloud, but she'd missed him and been a little lost without her excitable partner in crime.

"Lucy!" Wendy cheered as she tackled her in a lighter hug. Lucy laughed and hugged her and then let Happy join in.

"It appears you were missed by more than just Natsu," Jellal mused with amusement, Charle standing awkwardly at his feet as people openly stared at the group. A few looked annoyed, some hateful. More than one looked excited and whispered to one another, pointing their way.

"I missed her most though!" Natsu crowed, slinging an arm around her shoulders.

"Who the hell cares who missed Blondie most?" Cobra huffed. "Can we go now?"

"Yes," Lucy reassured with a laugh. He just wanted to see Kinana. As if reading her mind, he gave her a dark look. She pretended not to notice and leaned into Natsu's side as she greeted Jellal.

They made their way out of the airport and down the street. The train station wasn't too far away, and Lucy found herself exceptionally relieved to finally be getting home. She hadn't minded taking the job that had been requested of her - it hadn't been too bad, actually. But she'd missed her boyfriend and team, and she'd found herself expecting someone to react in a way the didn't.

When they climbed on the train, Natsu looked hopefully to Wendy, but she shook her head. "I don't want it to stop working on you," she explained. "I'll do my Troia for you though, if you'd like," she offered to Cobra with a beaming smile.

"Troia…?" He squinted suspiciously at her, as if not entirely looking forward to whatever she was suggesting.

"No more motion sickness," Lucy explained with a grin. "Natsu's favorite spell."

Cobra seemed to contemplate this for a moment before reluctantly agreeing, and Wendy murmured under her breath to herself as she went to work. He watched her with a wary look, and from where she was being carried gently by Jellal, Charle scolded, "Don't overuse your magic on something so ridiculous, child."

"I'm not," Wendy promised.

Lucy turned her attention back on Natsu, furrowing her brow in thought. "Natsu," she said, and then added, "Jellal, you too…these people we went after. They lured us in, as well as Sabertooth. They were after my keys, and Yukino's, too, I think."

There was a moment in which she was stared at, and then Natsu proceeded to burst into flames. Lucy gave him a glare; just because they weren't required to keep magic hidden didn't mean that he needed to promptly light himself on fire!

Jellal was far more quiet in his response, saying slowly, "I don't know why, but it doesn't surprise me. Many people would come after the Zodiac keys, Lucy."

The blonde touched the metal lovingly. "And no one will ever touch them," she muttered darkly.

"Lucy," Wendy said, turning to glance at her. "Would you like me to look at your arm on the train?"

"I'd appreciate it a lot," Lucy said honestly. "It can wait until we get home if it needs to though."

"I'll do it on the train," Wendy hummed. "I don't get to heal broken bones often. It's good practice." Lucy gave her a long look, as if uncertain as to whether or not that was a normal thing for someone with magic that healed to be saying. But she shrugged and moved on, turning to Jellal again.

"I recommend," Jellal said, continuing their conversation. "That you make sure to go nowhere alone. You're far more powerful than you were - particularly with how you've mastered that spell of yours. But just to be safe. There are ways that people can catch you unprepared. Your magic is unlike ours. You can't just summon it with your soul just yet. You require the touch of your keys and words."

"You mean I just can't suddenly breathe fire," Lucy murmured in understanding, eyeing Natsu, who was still leaking smoke from his nostrils. She gave him a glare until he stopped. "I get it. I'll make sure that someone's with me at all times," she promised, and then beamed a thoughtful Happy dropped onto her head, lightly using his claws to stay in place. He made sure not to hurt her head too badly with them.

Natsu tugged his scarf from his mouth and then subconsciously rubbed his chest, looking off into the distance without another word, even as Lucy questioned him.

Something's wrong, he decided, but it didn't bother him so much.

At least Lucy was with him now.

Evening found Lucy happily sitting at the bar in Fairy Tail's headquarters with Natsu on one side of her and an exhausted Gray on her other. A paper was before her, a carefully handwritten report filled out, and she was just signing her name as she asked, "What's up with you, Gray?"

"Training," he moaned. "Against Erza."

Natsu flinched in sympathy, but taunted, "Not strong enough to fend her off?"

"On the contrary," Erza's voice cut in. "He managed to accidentally cut my cheek."

The trio of mages glanced up as she came over, her hands on her jean-clad hips. Indeed, a long cut stretched from her temple to her chin. "Wendy offered to heal it, but every mage likes their scars. How's your arm, Lucy?"

"Sore," she admitted, eyeing her healed arm. She flexed her hand and grimaced. "She said that they would be for a day or two though, so…"

"You'll have time to heal before the Grand Magic Games then," she said firmly, beaming. Erza's eyes glowed as she told her, "We leave soon. It'll take us a good day or so to get the entire guild there. The Council's set up people to defend Magnolia in our absence."

"Everyone's coming?" Lucy said in alarm.

"Everyone," Erza confirmed. "They've built a magically enhanced stadium for it. They're broadcasting it across Fiore on every television."

"Great." Lucy sighed. So she'd fail in front of everyone. She sucked her lower lip between her teeth and chewed on it, her dark eyes troubled. Gray noticed and squinted at her from where he'd rested his head on the bar.

"What?" he grunted. "Don't want to compete?"

Natsu whirled in his seat, his onyx eyes landing on Lucy with a sharp look. "You don't want to compete, Luce?"

Lucy flushed as Erza looked her way, too. She raked a hand through her long hair as she sat back, shaking her head. "No, I do. I'd like to try, just...I don't think I'm going to do well. There are so many other mages who would have been a better choice. I wish Master had picked someone like...you guys, who's been using magic for longer than a year."

"Lucy," Gray drawled, sitting up and speaking hastily before Natsu could launch into his speech. "Listen. You're not the strongest. We aren't either. That title belongs to someone like Gildarts, maybe even a mage in another country. Here's the thing: your potential magic is incredible, surpasses quite a few of us."

"I believe it may surpass my own abilities," Erza added. Lucy squirmed uncomfortably at the compliment.

"And the rate at which you've improved and trained over just one year is incredible," Gray continued. "Do you know how long it took me to master making one weapon with ice? Or how long it took Natsu to manipulate the fire like he does? It took Erza years to entirely master and control the magic she uses."

"What the moron is saying," Natsu cut in impatiently, "Is that you're badass and Master picked ya for a reason. And if ya lose a match, you lose it. No big deal."

"That," Gray muttered, waving awkwardly at his rival. "What he said."

Erza only smiled warmly at her.

Lucy flushed a brilliant red and tried to blink back tears, honored by what they'd said about her. "I guess," she finally managed to get out, voice thick with emotion. "Thanks. All of you."

Gray gave her a grin and ruffled her hair affectionately before going to sit with Juvia, who'd begun to hesitantly approach them. But she'd stopped with an uncertain look, her eyes wide. Erza slammed Lucy into her chest for a hug, and Lucy gave a grimace of pain that Natsu cackled at.

When Erza had gone Natsu suddenly leaned towards her, getting in her personal space. Lucy narrowed her eyes and leaned back. "What are you doing?" she demanded, and he suddenly gave a beaming grin. Aware that Mirajane was watching them, Lucy arched a brow.

"I wanna go on a date when we're in Crocus," he told her and she blinked in surprise. "And I don't want to do something like we've been doing. I want to do something else."

"We can do that," she said slowly. She thought over all of it, narrowing her eyes as she contemplated what they could do in the city she'd lived in for quite some time. She came up blank, however, and frowned. "We'll have to see what's available, 'cause-"

"There's gonna be a small festival in town," he cut in. Lucy's lips parted; he'd already looked into this! "There's gonna be food and music and stuff, so I thought we could mess around there. It's not as big as our Fantasia Parade and stuff, but…"

"That sounds like fun, Natsu, let's do it," Lucy agreed, amused with him. She reached out and tapped his nose once. "So long as you're rich self pays for it, because my money is going towards rent."

"I can pay rent for you, too," he offered, and she shot his cheekily smiling self a glare before bidding him an amused farewell so that she could go and see what Wendy wanted when the girl waved for her attention. Natsu watched her go and then grimaced, rubbing away a phantom pain in his side.

Mirajane sashayed her way over and gave him a smile as she hummed, "Plotting with Lucy, Natsu?"

"Not plotting," he huffed. "Planning."

"Good. Take Gray and Juvia with you when you go, or Erza and Jellal. Even my brother and Evergreen. I need someone to screw with and tease since I can't affect you anymore." Her lips pulled into a pout.

He rolled his onyx eyes. "Go mess with Lisanna. She's been hanging out a lot with Bickslow, hasn't she?"

She sighed heavily. "Yes, but Bickslow complains to Laxus. I don't want Laxus being grouchy." As if this was the worst thing that could happen to her, the S-Class mage slouched across the bar and pleaded, "Tell me if you think Kinana would be a good victim!"

Natsu smirked, entirely amused with this. Mostly because he wasn't on the receiving end of this. "Nah, Cobra would get too pissed off. I think ya should mess with Levy about the whole marriage thing. Or Romeo and Wendy."

Mirajane clasped her hands together happily. "You," she said with a laugh, "Are one devious person, Natsu."

Natsu beamed like some kind of innocent child. "Only 'cause I can use it against 'em later."

Cobra, who'd passed by with thoughtful look, paused to squint at him. "...hey, lady," he said, addressing Mirajane. "Have him tell you 'bout how he's being a little clingy."

Natsu whirled on the other dragon slayer, bristling. "I am not," he snapped.

"Ooh, such a response," Mirajane teased.

Natsu scowled, suddenly aggravated. He was more than grateful when someone called his name - Wendy, he realized, a troubled look on her face. He scampered over as fast as he could, blowing a streak of fire at Cobra. He ducked to avoid it, cackling to himself.

"What's up?" he huffed as he reached Wendy, shoving his hands into his jean pockets. His onyx eyes shone with annoyance.

Lucy, who was seated on a bench, looked pale, he realized, and it made him suspicious. "What's wrong?" he demanded, furious suddenly. He found himself stressed as he rubbed his chest. What the hell was going on?!

"Lucy," Wendy said hesitantly, sensing that he was ready to blow. She faltered, suddenly nervous, and that just upset him further.

He'd done nothing to make her nervous of him!

Smoke poured from his nostrils as he huffed and Lucy sighed softly. "Walk me home," she ordered more than asked. It only proceeded to make him scowl. Lucy sent Wendy to the bar to get some water and they left soon after.

"Lucy!" Natsu demanded as they made their way through Magnolia. He could feel the desperate pressure in his chest that told him something was wrong, tearing at him, trying to claw its way free.

"Remember," she said quietly, "When I asked what people knew about anti-ethernano tumors? Back before we left Hargeon for Tenrou Island?"

Not liking where this was going, he nodded.

"I'd gotten one when I was little according to Momma's diary." Lucy's voice trembled now. "When Wendy was helping with my arm, she thought there was something off. So she took a look and found one here." She tapped her side. "I just...Natsu. Compared to you guys, how much magic have I truly used?" Her voice rose a little, confusion flashing across her face.

He was stunned. Anger flooded him, but then he shoved it down, not wanting to upset her further. "You'll...you'll be okay though?"

She nodded. "Yeah. Porlyusica's going to come and help Wendy remove it within the next few days." She took a shaking breath. "I just...don't understand." She threw her hands in the air, desperate. "Why is this not happening to you and the others? You use magic so much more often than I do!"

"I don't know," he admitted, and then scowled.

But he was sure as hell determined to find out.

[themadlostgirl]

Not Dead Yet (Part 17)

*Was gonna wait to post this Saturday but when you’re actually productive why wait? Enjoy the plot dump! Might need to start Keep Reading links if they keep staying this long.*

Pairing: Reader x Peter Pan

Warnings: language

I didn’t know where I was heading but I didn’t care. As long as it was off the island and far from where Pan could kill me than I was fine. The portal ended and I hit the ground with a thud.

“Ouch…” I stood up and brushed myself off. It looked like I was in some forest. Good, I hadn’t just transported myself to some other part of Neverland.

There was a loud crash behind me. I barely had time to register that someone was there before I was tackled to the ground again. I elbowed my assaulter off and reached for my dagger. “Oh no you don’t!” he shouted and I was left pinned to the ground staring up into the enraged face of Pan.

“You followed me!” I thrashed trying to get free of him.

“If you thought you could just run away from this then you were sorely mistaken Lost Girl!” I pushed with all my might and we rolled to our sides. I got an arm free and punched him in the throat.

He let out a wheeze as his grip lessened and I made a break for it. “You are not getting away that easily!” he was pounding after me. This wasn’t his island. He couldn’t just blink in front of me as he wished! I kept running as fast as my feet could take me, nearly dodging trees and jumping over logs.

A hand snagged the back of my shirt and I was pulled to sudden stop. The jolt sent me falling and I brought Pan along with me. We wrestled on the ground, scratching, biting, slapping, punching, kicking and all around thrashing trying to pin the other one.

I finally wore him down enough that I was on top, dagger pressed to his throat. “Just leave me alone and I won’t kill you.”

“Like you have the guts to kill me.” he said but there was uncertainty in his eyes.

“You wanna bet.” I pressed further until I saw blood on the blade. My blood was rushing in my ears and all I could focus on was the roughed up boy under me. I could see his mouth moving but my ears were deaf to it.

His eyes darted to the right in alarm. What was he--I looked where he was glancing and saw a speeding carriage barreling towards us with no sign of slowing. I was thrown back just out of the way of the carriage as it sped past us.

Pan was laying on top of me breathing heavily. He rolled off and sat up with a long groan. I tried to sit up too but he shoved me back to the ground. “That’s for almost getting us killed.”

“Wasn’t that the goal?” I sighed from the ground. Going a round with him had been exhausting.

He glared at me and wrenched the dagger from my grasp. He stared in disdain at it, tracing his thumb over the carved R on the bottom. “I should have known this would happen. Nothing good ever follows this damn thing.”

“Not gonna kill me then?”

“I should. I really feel like I should.” he rubbed his injured throat. “But that would just be too easy wouldn’t it?”

I slowly sat up again. “So...here…” I handed him the pouch back. “You probably want to get back to Neverland.”

“Yeah.” he took the pouch and reached inside. “Funny. Give me the beans.”

“I just did.”

“Y/N, I am really in no mood. Give me the beans so we can go home.”

“I’m telling you I just gave you the beans!” He stared me down before searching the pouch again. “What? What’s wrong?”

“That was the last bean.” he plunged the dagger into the ground, “Dammit!”

“Can’t you just have the Shadow take you back?” I asked.

“No. A part of me has to always be on the island. If not me then my shadow. If I call it to get us then Neverland will disintegrate.” He was on his feet pacing, “You just had to use the bean didn’t you? You just had to poke your nose in places it didn’t belong and now we’re trapped here!”

“I didn’t expect you to follow me!” I shouted back at him. “Why couldn’t you have just let me leave? You never would have had to worry about me again if you hadn’t followed me through the portal!”

“And let you go scot free after you invaded my privacy again? I don’t think so!”

“You are so over dramatic!” I stood up and began to storm off.

“Where the hell do you think you’re going?”

“Away from you!”

“No, you’re not.” he grabbed me. “We are going to find a way back to Neverland.”

“Wait, wait, wait!” I stopped struggling, “Have you been saying we? Do...do you want me to come back to Neverland?”

He was silent for a moment before nodding. “Oh my dear lord...why?! You just tried to kill me! Is there some horrible torture device back on the island you want to use on me or something?”

“I don’t want to torture you and I wasn’t trying to kill you.”

“Then why in the world--”

“I don’t know!” he snapped as he began to drag me along, “I don’t want you dead and I don’t want you away from Neverland! No matter how much trouble you are.”

It was my turn to be quiet. I wasn’t sure what to make of all this. Back on Neverland he was going to kill me, I was sure of it. Then just a couple minutes ago we were fighting to the point we almost died. Now he was dragging me with him because he doesn’t want me to not come back to Neverland? This boy is all shades of confusing.

I stopped on the trail. He tugged on my arm harder when I refused to move. “Come on! We need to keep moving before it gets dark.”

“No.” I said simply. “No more.”

“What are you talking about?” he released my arm.

I was done. I was not just going to sit back and accept that Pan was just this whatever he was. I was going to get some answers right now.

“Why do you hide your past?” I asked.

“Not this again. Just drop it!”

“I can’t! Don’t you understand that by now?” I shoved him into a tree, “I am tired of you telling me to forget. I am tired of you hiding what has made you this way! You owe me some answers!”

“How do I--”

“Because I showed you all the dark parts of my past! You know all my secrets! It’s your turn!” I growled.

“Why couldn’t you just leave well enough alone?”

“Why are you so keen to keep denying that you are just as human as the rest of us?” He let out a snort and looked away. “What happened to make you this way?”

“Why do you need to know?”

“Why do you not want to talk about it? I’ve always been able to talk to you. Why can’t you talk to me?”

“Need I remind you the last time you talked to me you called me a codfish and hit me in my head.”

“I’m trying to empathetic. I suggest you take advantage of it.” I backed up. “I’m not dropping it this time.”

He studied me for a long time. “Let’s make camp, I don’t think we’re going to stumble across a town before it gets dark.” he walked into the forest without a glance back to see if I was following. A part of me wanted to just keep on walking down the trail but my feet instinctively followed Pan into the forest.

We set up a camp and Pan tested his magic. It still worked but not nearly as well as it did on the island. After the sun had set and the sky was black Pan and I sat around a small fire huddled for warmth. I missed the island. It had always been so warm and now I was freezing.

The weather didn’t seem to bother him. If it did he didn’t show it. For hours all he’s done is handle my dagger in silence. What he had said before finally caught up to me. Nothing good ever followed that dagger. Just another mystery that he wouldn’t let anyone solve.

“Pan,” I spoke up, “You need to talk to me.”

He continued to ignore me. “It obviously bothers you, your past.” I shifted to face him directly, “I saw what you were hiding. The flowers, the children’s clothes, the iron shears…”

He gave me a quick glance before staring back into the crackling fire. “There’s nothing to talk about. I’ve moved on.”

“If you had moved on then I’m guessing you would have destroyed all that stuff long ago.” I inched closer toward him, “I have a proposition. You tell me what made you this way and you can use the favor I owe you to make sure that I never bring it up again afterwards, okay?”

“Seems a waste of a perfectly good favor.”

“You’ve been harboring this said favor for years, it’s time to redeem it.”

He finally looked at me head on. “You really won’t let it go, will you?”

“I risked being killed to find out, doesn’t that say enough?” I tried to lighten the tension but it flopped. “You had a family once, didn’t you? When you were a kid.”

Pan stared back into the flames. There was something different in his eye though. A humanity I had only glanced before. “I did. A very, very long time ago.” I waited patiently for him to continue, “The woman who gave birth to me, she thought I was a changeling.”

“The flowers…”

“Foxglove.” he spat the word.

I knew all about changelings. A few of the boys on the island were children mistaken for changelings when they were younger. The horror stories they could recall. The nightmares that not even Pan’s pipes could make them forget. The price they had to pay because their daft mothers believed they were malformed creatures taking the place of their real children.

Mothers would hold children underwater in basins full of ice cold water and foxglove to try and get the so called changeling to bring her baby back. Other ways I heard included surrounding the baby with iron or holding it over a burning fire to reveal the changeling for what it was.

“I can remember laying in my crib and staring out the window at the stars wishing for the misery to end.” his features softened a tad before tensing again, “That’s when Reul Ghorm came. She heard my wish and took me away to Neverland. Been there ever since.”

“How’d you age on an island where no one grows old?”

“I left. Somedays I would ride the wind’s back with a pocket of pixie dust. I’d find some new realm and stay there. Days sometimes years at a time. I saw so many places. Wonderland, Fantasia, the Underground, the Enchanted Forest, Atlantis, Agrabah, just so many places. So many people.”

“You made families…” the group drawings.

“I could never stay though. Something happened with them or I got bored. I’d leave back for Neverland until I decided to make another go of it.”

“What made you stop? You look like you’re what, seventeen, eighteen maybe? You could have built your own life from this point. Why continue to stay on Neverland?”

“That wasn’t my choice.”

“Let me guess, this has to do with the giant hourglass doesn’t it?” he shot me a venomous glare. Perhaps I was being too casual about this for his liking. “Sorry. It was just a thought.”

He rubbed his temples, eyes closed in thought. “I made a mistake and it cost me my freedom.”

“What mistake?”

“According to Reul Ghorm, I could come and go from Neverland as I wished so long as I remained gay, innocent and heartless.”

“The Blue Fairy instructed you to be heartless?”

“It made more sense when I was younger.” he waved it off, “What it meant was that I could not harm anyone. Pranks, play fighting, self-defense, all of that I could do. But I was not allowed to intentionally hurt anybody out of spite, anger or grief. Looking at me now you can guess how that went.”

“What did you do?”

“I killed a woman. A mother that had been trying to pour foxglove tea down her son’s throat.”

“Oh god…” I sucked in a sharp breath.

“Yeah. At that moment the fairies showed up and as punishment for my crime I was condemned to Neverland, my very life force tied to the island so I live out the rest of my life alone. What’s left of it anyways.”

“What do you mean?”

He took in a deep breath avoiding my eyes, “That hourglass is my life. A giant golden reminder of what I did and that the life I’m living right now will be gone. The second the last grain of sand drops I’ll die along with Neverland.”

Silence overtook us as I let the news set in. No wonder he was so defensive about his past. When he dies not only will Neverland disappear but everyone still on the island will die too. What was it like to have that kind of pressure? To know that all these people you brought to this island to escape boring and harmful lives were all on the same clock?

“I’m sorry.” I drew my knees up to my chest, “I shouldn’t have violated your privacy like I have. When I asked for you to respect my past you did and it kind of sickens me that I didn’t extend the same courtesy to you. I’m sorry I probed.”

“You should be.”

“It’s just...doesn’t it get stifling? Keeping all this to yourself all the time? I’m your friend, Pan, as much as I don’t seem like one. But this is so much bigger than you. You’re dying. You and all of Neverland will drop out of existence if we can’t stop this curse. Doesn’t that bother you?”

“Of course it bothers me. Why do you think I leave the island? I’m looking for a way to stop the curse.”

“And have you found it?”

“Yes.”

“You have? Well what is it?” He’s so worried about dying but he’s been sitting on this information for lord only knew how long?

“It’s an extremely rare and powerful form of magic. The rarest of them all.”

“The rarest form of magic is True Love.” I knew Pan pretty well, love wasn’t something he would waste his time on even if it could save him.

“No, even bigger. It’s the very soul of Neverland.”

“Youth?” I guessed.

He shook his head. “Belief. People fall in love everyday and more often than they realize it is True Love. But belief...that isn’t something that can be made just by two people wanting to be with one another. It’s about leaps of faith. Standing your ground for what you believe is true and not letting anyone or anything sway you from it. It’s what gives people hope. It’s what True Love is built on. Faith, trust, and unwavering dedication to what you believe is true. That’s what I need. The embodiment of belief.” I stared at him in slight awe. He caught my gaze and squinted at me. “What?”

“I’ve never seen you so passionate before.” I smiled at him.

“It is my life on the line isn’t it? If I’m gonna care about anything it’s that.” he smirked back.

“Yeah…so what is it? This embodiment of belief?”

“It’s called the Heart of the Truest Believer.  Many years ago, before you ever came to the island, I met three old spinners, strange deformed women claiming to be the aunts of this princess. All they ever did was spin flax and it showed, if you saw the lip on the one from wetting the thread you might have thought she was part camel.”

“I have no idea what a camel is. Do they have strange lips?”

“Not the point. These three women weren’t just spinners, they were also Seers. I asked if they could help me find a way to escape my curse. That’s how I came about knowing of the Heart of the Truest Believer.”

“That’s good isn’t it? How do we find it?”

“That’s the thing. The Heart isn’t a metaphor. It literally means a human heart.”

“Oh…so we need to find the owner of said heart.”

“Yes. Problem is all those spinners told me was that it was a young boy who had not yet been born. I’ve been bringing more boys to the island since they said that but none of them have been of any help.”

“What do you mean? Help how?”

“The Never Oysters.”

“The oysters?” I had a faint recollection of a long swim and a near death experience at the mention of said shellfish.

“See, the oysters only show up when a new soul enters the realm and only the person with that soul is able to retrieve it from the rock where they appear. That’s why I use it as initiation. If I were to get a Tell-All pearl like the one hanging around your neck to work for me I could not only read minds but I could use it to probe the dreams of children and their future children and so on to find out which one has or will have the Heart.”

“That’s amazing. How exactly are you supposed to be able to do that?”

“With a lot of magic. Magic I unfortunately will not be able to use because as I learned a couple years ago the oysters can only be opened by those that retrieved them.” he gestured to me, “Even worse, the first person to touch the pearl is not the one who controls it. That is also a power meant for the person whose soul conjured the oyster in the first place.”

“So you’ll never be able to use a Tell-All pearl.”

“It seems so.”

“Isn’t there a way to--”

“No! I’ve been searching for years for some other way to find out the identity of this child but it’s lost in the wind! The only luck I’d have was if I found a Seer but even then they won’t be able to give me a name or a face. Only stupid riddles and vague messages meant to make me want to tear my hair out!” he was making the fire burn hotter.

“Pan, calm down.” I reached for his hand and the flames lowered. “I know this has to be frustrating but you can’t give up. We’ll find that boy and we’ll save you…and Neverland of course.”

He squeezed my hand, “You have a lot of faith in me.”

“You may be a violent arse but you’re my leader and my friend first and foremost.”

We stayed staring at each other before he looked away, “Go to sleep.”

“Huh?” I blinked as if I was pulled out of a daydream.

“Get some rest. We’re going to be on foot all day tomorrow until we find a town and I don’t want you slowing me down.” he went back to tossing my dagger up in the air before catching it again.

I decided to let the subject drop for the evening and laid down. “Sounds good to me. Wake me up for my watch.”

“Will do.”

I huddled closer into myself searching for warmth. My curiosity had finally been sated but now my worry for Pan had grown.

(First) (Previous) (Next)