#there's a reason Twilight was so weird with natives and the reason is that Meyer is a Mormon

[rhaenin-time]

The thing is I can really empathize with Jace because somehow I came out paler than either of my parents which led to me getting asked if I was adopted or if my dad was my stepdad and it got me so paranoid that I saved to buy a dna test to see if I'd be matched online with my dad's cousin who had taken it and while it did kill my paranoia I also wasted $99 and now the Mormons own my dna for their quest to legitimize themselves by buying all the native dna data they can so they can 'prove' that the Book of Mormon was correct and that natives are all indeed a tribe that left Israel for the real promised land before turning to darkness and being cursed with red skin.

And that's why you shouldn't question the biological parentage of children. I can only imagine the even weirder shit kids had to do before dna tests.

[shunukitrash]

Unpopular opinion: Stephanie Meyer is just as bad as JK Rowling

[panlight]

I saw a tiktok of another twilight fan saying she doesn’t think in a possible sequel the Renesme x Jacob thing will go like we are all assuming because Meyer would never have Jacob be a cullen and marry into the cullens because she doesn’t like him as much as them and he doesn’t fit the *fantasy* (referring in part to Meyer’s racism and classism amongst other things). Meyer never saw Jacob as a true romantic lead, he was more like a plot device the entire time. The imprint thing was because she didn’t know how to get out of the situation with a happy ending. So their ship is a plot convenience and not that she actually likes them together. I also think they may not be endgame because there needs to be a conflict or reason why the lovers can’t be initially together to fit a traditional romance narrative. If their love story is that they have known each other her entire life and he’s perfect for her and her family likes him then there’s no angst or drama. Do you think is possible a new romantic interest will be introduced?

Okay here's my hottest of hot takes: What if SM didn't make Jacob Like That in Eclipse to make everyone think Edward was the better option? I think she was already assuming everyone preferred Edward because to her it was obvious he was the Ideal Man. So what if she made Jacob Like That in Eclipse to seem like a more serious option/rival? Did she reveal some of her own biases and perpetuate harmful stereotypes about aggressive Native men while doing so? Oh, god, yeah. But I think in her head this wasn't "I've ruined Jacob and now everyone will like Edward more!" but "now Jacob will be taken seriously." Sweet, gentle, sunshiney Jacob couldn't--in SM's mind--compete with the intensity and single-minded devotion of Edward. So she had to make Jacob more intense and promoted Seth to resident Sunshine Boy.

I base this on comments she's made. One where she's comparing Edward Cullen to all the greatest romantic leads of all time and saying he's better than all of them, but when it comes to Gilbert Blythe from Anne of Green Gables, "he's more of a Jacob than an Edward." She also has lots of positive Jacob comments, especially around the Eclipse era, where she talked about how it made her so sad that people hated him and if they could see what she sees in her head, everyone would love him. And then there's that brain-breaking quote in the Guide in that first interview where she talks about how "worried" she was about Jacob in Eclipse "even knowing the eventually happy ending" and how happy and relieved she was when he laid eyes on Renesmee and "his life came together for him."

So I propose SM DOES like Jacob, and she butchered him trying to make him more Edward-y so he would come off as a more serious romantic rival, and in doing so stepped into a whole-ass minefield of consent issues, racist tropes about Indigenous men, and basically erased everything about the character that people had loved. Patient, gentle, happy Jacob was no threat to Edward's "I can't live in a world where you don't exist" brooding intensity and drama, so she felt Jacob had to become more intense and dramatic.

So, IMHO, Renemsee/Jacob is absolutely happening as much as I don't want it to be true. It happened in Forever Dawn, which was written before New Moon and Eclipse, and so Jacob's imprint on Bella's daughter was always part of the story. It wasn't 'how do I solve this love triangle?' It's even more baffling than THAT, because she KNEW Jacob/Renesmee imprint was endgame and still wrote Jacob/Bella the way she did in New Moon/Eclipse and I'm just like . . . why. Why would you do that? Why would you make this thing that is already weird (imprinting on a BABY) even weirder by developing this character into one who resented imprinting and having his choices taken away AND developing the J/B relationship to be "soulmates in another world" like . . . why. Why. WHY?!

All that said, I would bet cash money that future Renesmee books will feature a love triangle between Jacob, Nessie and Nahuel. It will be all "Jacob is my soulmate, my past, my present, my endless future. He would do anything for me. But Nahuel . . . he understands me in a way Jacob never could, he knows what it's like to be a hybrid, never fitting in . . ." I can just see it all so clearly and it's going to be cringy for this rich white girl with literal superpowers and a family who adores her going on and on about how she doesn't fit in but I think that's where this is going.

[earlgraytay]

*drops this into your inbox*

[ID: box of Deluxe fair trade earl grey tea with fifty tea bags]

Please elaborate on how Twilight and JoJo have similar strengths and weaknesses. I really want to hear what you have to say about both of them regarding their similarities.

Thank you for the tea!

So... okay. Nota bene that I'm still only on Battle Tendency/Part 2 of JoJo, and that I haven't properly read Twilight in... a while now. But.

The thing that these series have in common, more than anything else, is that they're the product of one person's very specific creative obsessions, baaaaasically unedited.

Since both writers were working in less-than-prestigious markets when they started out (80s manga/early 00s YA), they could write Weird Dumb Shit without anyone stopping them. And then when JJBA and Twilight started printing money, any editing that either might have had went out the window, because clearly this person is doing something right, right?

Araki and Meyer are both very good at worldbuilding, for specific given values thereof; they're both good at coming up with bonkers-but-halfway plausible ideas. They both created a weirdly compelling take on basically-unkillable vampires, and manage to keep tension going despite the vampires being unkillable. In some ways they even managed to create foundational works for their genre- if you want to understand how shonen adventure anime got started you kinda need to watch JoJo, and if you want to understand why YA is Like That you need to read Twilight.

They both struggle with some pretty major parts of writing- Araki, bless him, has yet to create a heroic character with more than two personality traits, and Meyer at the time of writing Twilight could not pace a plot to save her life. And yet- somehow- the stories they created are compelling enough to keep you on the hook for a while.

Twilight and JJBA are, unfortunately, both sexist and racist in ways that say... Things... about their authors.

In JJBA's case, Araki is clearly taking inspiration from 19th century adventure stories and pulp fiction- and using that inspiration completely uncritically. You've got racist stock characters that you wouldn't even see in Western fiction in the 90s, because everyone agreed we don't do that shit anymore. And... look, I am not going to say anything about Araki's sexuality, but... he's clearly uninterested in writing women, yeah? It comes off as really homoerotic, even though it's totally unintentional.

In Twilight's case.... well... look, if I say "Stephanie Meyer is Mormon and was most likely raised that way", I think that covers it. Just about everything that's fucked up about Twilight boils down to "Meyer's Mormonism makes her think things that are Very Much Not Okay are a normal part of the fabric of [hetero] relationships" and "Mormons grow up believing Weird Ass Shit about Native Americans anyway, the weird bullshit in Twilight is respectful by comparison". Both of which are pretty fucking major flaws with the writing!

On a more neutral note: both Meyer and Araki have some very niche interests that turn up everywhere in their writing.

If you know anything about JJBA, you know that random characters and powers are named after 80s music for No Fucking Reason. as early as part 1 you've got characters named Dire and Straits, and in part 2 you've got Cars, Wham, and AC/DC. (oh, scuse me- Kars, Wammu, and Esidesi. COPYRIGHT, WE'RE NOT VIOLATING IT). And of course Roundabout has become an iconic part of JoJo to the point it's a meme just because it's what Araki was listening to while writing...

Similarly, in Twilight, one of the first things you know about any character is the make and model of car they drive. The characters spend a hell of a lot of time having conversations while they're driving around, for no real reason. For heaven's sake, Meyer's favourite character is a mechanic! It's a part of the world that's tonally unfitting with everything else she's trying to build, it's definitely the author's interest peeking through, and it's really endearing.

There's no good TLDR here, it's just an infodump, but ... yeah, the similarities are there, and I'm enjoying the mashup on the merits, if nothing else.

[twilight-writingorwhatever]

Things I Would Change About Twilight Pt. 2: The Wolf Pack

I was gonna do Edward, but this seemed more pressing to me.

1. FIRST OF ALL: Stephenie Meyer should not have used a REAL Native American tribe. People think that the Quileutes are a made up tribe. And Twilight doesn't only spread misconceptions, they also haven't seen any financial benefit of their likeness being used in the books. The cultural aspect of this was a good idea, but she should have made something else up, and used guidance from real Native Americans to make it authentic.

2. They were painted as the "bad guys", but they had a solid reason to distrust vampires. They killed off their ancestors, so it makes sense that they'd be leery of them. The Cullens, on the other hand, had no real reason to dislike them. They should have been proving their trustworthiness, rather than calling them dogs and not letting Bella be around them.

3. There should have been more female pack members. It makes no sense that Leah is the only one. If it's possible, it should have happened more.

4. Imprinting, while cute in theory, needs to have different guidelines. There should not have been any babies involved. While the wolves are technically minors, it still is weird considering they look like adults.

I feel like there's a lot more, but I can't think of them right now. If you have anything you'd like to add, please go ahead.

[edwardsvirginity]

How to Participate in Twilight Without Accidentally Giving Smeyer More Money

So by now, if you’ve been engaging with the twilight renaissance on tumblr, you’ve probably noticed that we all hate Stephenie Meyer. For a number of reasons, including but not limited to: the racist depictions of native characters, the fact that she used quileute “history” and culture without permission or compensation to the quileute people, her weird fondness for child grooming, her misogyny, the fact that she gives money to & is part of a homophobic church, her inclusion of a confederate soldier as one of the heroes, her “not like other girls” syndrome. So many compelling reasons!

However, we’re still out here engaging with and appreciating the good parts of this piece of media and it’s role in our lives, and as such, it’s inevitable that people are gonna want to buy twilight-related things. However, I don’t think smeyer deserves a single cent more of our money, personally. So here’s how to engage without allowing her to profit further. 

 If you’re going to buy the books, buy them secondhand. Or see if a friend can lend them/give them to you. However, there are thousands of copies of all of these books floating around every secondhand bookshop, so consider looking at your local used independent bookstore. If you absolutely must have an ebook, consider checking it out from your local library (libraries have ebooks too!) or pirate it.

Similarly, in order to watch the movies, get them secondhand, get them from a friend, check them out from a library, or pirate them. Do NOT buy digital copies or stream them from a subscription streaming service. 

Consider donating to the quileute people since they were not compensated for their use by smeyer and their lands are being threatened by climate change. If you’re feeling fired up about indigenous rights generally, here’s a post with info abt other ways to help indigenous peoples

If you’re looking for merch, look-- you guessed it!-- secondhand. Also consider buying merch from bands who were included in the soundtracks, as they might have merch for the songs used in the movies, and as far as I know they don’t have to pay royalties to the twilight franchise for selling merch feat. songs they wrote. You can even design your own twilight renaissance merch on sites that allow you to custom design things. You’re not technically allowed to sell things with other ppl’s intellectual property on it (like the twilight logos), but you might be ok if you’re making it for yourself, and also, I’ve never heard of copyright infringement claims being filed against someone using a custom-design merch website. Just don’t be stupid and try to seriously profit off of anything trademarked. 

 Read fanfiction!! Who needs canon anyway? Fanfiction is less likely to be fucked up than the books, and no one is profiting off of any of it!

Really just ask yourself: am I buying something Officially twilight-branded? If yes, am I buying it new from a retailer that sends some of those profits to smeyer? If so, what are my alternatives to get this thing or a similar thing that does not involve giving more money to a racist mormon. 

Feel free to add on with other suggestions

[princessorgies]

Ok, so I’m reading twilight for the first time in like 12 years. I was a HUGE fan, it was my second fandom after harry potter and the first one to introduce me to the world of very explicit fanfiction lmao. My obsession stopped about the same time when the first movie came out (I read twilight in 2007 when it came out in my country (weird flex but ok)). I stopped caring about it for two reasons: breaking dawn sucked ass and it wasnt fun to like something when the whole world hated it. Here are some thoughts from an adult reading twilight in 2020:

Twilight:

It’s really not a badly written book, I quite enjoy meyer’s writing style. And to be honest their relationship isnt as toxic as the last 10 years of discourse led me to believe. Sure, Edward is very intense and obsessive and tbh creepy like the obvious watching her sleep. But I’ve read a lot of popular books since 2007 so I learned some things. Call it out but if it’s no too much you can still enjoy it. It’s a balance thing.  One thing I liked is the beginnings of Bella and Edward‘s relationship. They are truly awkward teenagers experiencing their first love. Their banter is excellent to be quite honest. What I didnt remember was that we are shown like half a week of their relationship before it all goes to shit lmao. It was like they got together on Wednesday, Saturday was the meadow and Sunday was it all goes to shit day and suddenly they are madly in love  lmao. Overall enjoyable trashy teen romance if I’m being honest.

New Moon: 

I remember that when I read it at 12 I HATED almost all the parts after Edward left (oh i was team edward HARDCORE). But I quite enjoyed it this time. Again, great beginnings with Jacob. Lets not talk about how she handled native american characters because oh lord why dogs. Also why no men in this book can cook. Why does Emily appears two times and she either cooks or cleans the house. I hated it when Jacob became angry and violent does meyer think violent men are sexy or whats the deal. I liked the moments after Bella met Laurent again and she was absolutely terrified, I like it when characters are truly scared and not just talk about being scared. I also liked it when Bella and Alice were racing with time, that was exciting lmao. My rating: eh it was fine I guess

I wanted to throw eclipse in here but turns out I hate that book so maybe some other time. 

[mademoiselleseraph]

Forgotten things about the early Twilight fandom for people who weren't there

(Source: I was in the "first wave" of fans, before the movies, or even the final book of the series, were released and only the second or third kid in my middle school to read the books.)

While it's remembered as a "girl thing" and most criticisms of the books and movies stem from them being such, it was actually pretty evenly split between boys and girls. I don't know what the sales data would indicate, but a lot of us lent the books to friends, so it may not be accurate.

While it was kind of weird to us (Native fans of the series) that the author was a white lady high-jacking a real life Indigenous culture, but a lot of us were refreshed at seeing Native characters treated like regular people who just happen to turn into wolves and not caricatures of the mystical noble savages with a special connection to nature. It wasn't based on a stereotype so it wasn't the worst it could be.

Adult men did mock the books, but so did other teenage girls, more than teenage boys. Most of the teenage girls who made fun of the Twilight books were die-hard Harry Potter fans who insisted there was a rivalry that no one else was actually invested in.

The books got a lot of shit and were sometimes compared unfavorably to Anne Rice's Vampire Chronicles, even though a lot of the criticisms could be applied to Anne Rice's vampires, too. Anne Rice vampires also inexplicably become beautiful when they transform and though they don't sparkle in sunlight, their skin does become shiny, to the point where Lestat admitted to needing to powder his face to keep it from catching the light.

Another big criticism of the series was that Edward was a virgin "for no reason." People were genuinely mad that a vampire boy was generally uninterested in sex.

Fans were a lot more self-aware than most seem to think. Many of them readily admitted that the story would be better without Edward, Bella, Jacob, and their love triangle drama. Many also felt iffy on the name "Renesme"

Related to the previous point, the Team Edward/Team Jacob stuff was mostly for shits and giggles and was rarely taken seriously. A common response to it was "Team Alice" whether they meant Alice with Bella romantically or just Alice herself.

Alice was the most loved character. A lot of people also loved Bella's dad, Charlie, and got really into the Cullens' back stories (Rosalie's was generally considered the most interesting and satisfying and Jasper's was a close second).

Stephanie Meyer was very open, honest, amd humble to her fans, even dedicating her books to them and frankly explaining that she didn't intend for her characters to be role models when asked. This inspired a lot of fans to write their own stories about vampires and other paranormal beings.

We (the fans) called ourselves "twilighters" but when the movies came out, the news called us "twi-hearts" and that isn't actually all that important, I'm just salty about it to this day.

I might add on to this if I remember more

[negativereader]

The Negative Reader Sporks Marked: Chapter 6

Alright, last chapter, Zoey was a complete and total idiot, nearly got herself killed, hit her head, and had a dream about Nyx who, for some reason that’s beyond me, has decided that Zoey is the specialist little snowflake to ever fall from heaven, so she’s going to be Nyx’s ‘eyes and ears’ in the real world.

This is an idea that even Zoey doesn’t think is good.

This chapter, we’re going to meet some people who I hate and have some smug conversations.

I want to go back and read Twilight.

That is how bad this book is, guys, I like Twilight better than it. Bella is a less obnoxious character. And…honestly…the world has more internal consistency.

So, the chapter begins with some Cherokee song that sounds really, really poorly translated. Now this could be a good touch. For instance, Zoey could say that it was a lullaby that she used to be sung as a child. Or at least we could get the significance of the song at some level. However, we don’t really get a reason why the song is being sung or what the song actually means, just that it’s old. As such, it’s not something that I am particularly invested in. It’s just sort of there to remind us again that Zoey is part Native American, and I’m supposed to be impressed by this for some reason.

“I’d felt so crappy lately…except I couldn’t remember why. Huh. Odd.” (43)

Ok, so this is a POV problem right here. I’ve mentioned it a few times in this blog, but first person, while a strong point of view that allows the reader to get a very close insight into the character, has a few problems. The first is the fact that it’s extremely limiting. You cannot narrate anything that happens outside of the character’s point of view, and another is that, while it’s completely possible to narrate something that happened that a character won’t remember in third person, doing so in first is a whole lot trickier. How is it that Zoey, who narrated the whole thing, not be able to remember what happened to her? If she doesn’t remember, then how are we getting the details of this? When is the story being told? If this was first person, present, it would actually work better, since it’s been told as Zoey is experiencing something.

Get used to it though. This is one of the Casts favorite narrative tricks, and it is incredibly annoying.

Granny’s voice keeps singing, and Zoey finally remembers what happened. Now, I could say that this excuses, the whole ‘forgot thing’ but it really doesn’t. If she’s going to remember, devoting attention when all you’re saying is “for a moment, I couldn’t remember what was going on or why I was there” in a fancy way is a waste of time and the reader’s attention.

It’s also, as always, really awkwardly written. \~/

Finally, Zoey remembers that she’s turning into a vampire and wakes up.

And we are introduced to the character that I hate most in this series, and who I honestly consider the worst human being in it: Granny Redbird. I despise this woman. But you better get used to her. The Casts seem to have decided that Granny Redbird an example of a supportive adult, despite the fact that I could build a pretty strong case to claim that she’s essentially using Zoey to hurt her daughter for deciding that she didn’t want to subscribe to Granny’s weird little variant of the Cherokee religion. Also, when I say “supportive adult” what I mean is “adult who gives Zoey absolutely everything she wants because she’s just that special”.

As I said before, she reminds me of my maternal grandmother, and that’s not a good thing. Still, as a reminder, judge her actions for yourself. I’m biased.

After a touching moment that would likely mean a lot more if I cared a wit whether or not Zoey lived or died, Zoey asked where she is and what happened, and Granny tells her that she found her unconscious covered in blood, and that her grandmother was scared out of her mind and “so pale that [her] dark crescent seemed to glow against [her] skin” (44).

The Casts are subtle!

And then we get into what I hate this woman. In a very abrupt shift in tone, and with absolutely glee on her face, Grandma tells Zoey that she called Zoey’s mother to tell her that she was taking Zoey to the House of Night, but hung up when Mommy started sounding upset.

Without her permission.

Now, if Grandma had been upset and angry with her daughter for putting Zoey in danger and not behaving like an adult to doing what was best for her child, I would understand. If she was angry that Mommy was so concerned with either what they neighbors were going to say or the fact that she was a vampire, it would make sense and have parallels to several parents who have, for some reason or other essentially abandoned their children. But she’s not. Granny’s acting like it’s a joke. She’s pleased that she’s got this chance to rub the fact that she’s a better person in her daughter’s face.

This has nothing to do with Zoey. Given how quickly Grandma’s attitude shifts, it almost seems that, after showing Zoey that she was worried, her real emotion shows. This happiness doesn’t stem from the fact that her beloved granddaughter is still alive, it’s coming from the fact that she’s one-upped her daughter.

Moving on.

Granny asks what Zoey was doing out in the daylight, which is honestly a very good question, but also asks why Zoey didn’t tell her earlier. Thankfully, this particular weird question is there for a reason since after Zoey explains things from her side, Granny says just climbing out the window to look for her doesn’t make sense.

Which is true for reasons that Granny hasn’t said. I’m going to need to pick that little monster apart so we got a long quote.

“I know,” I sighed. “I can’t believe I got Marked, either. Why me?”

“That’s not what I meant, baby. I’m not surprised you were Tracked and Marked. The Redbird blood has always held strong magic; it was only a matter of time before one of us was Chosen. What I mean is that it makes no sense that you were just Marked. That crescent isn’t an outline. It’s completely filled in.” (45)

First of all, the two word sentence ‘why me’ should be banned in fiction. I hated it when it was used by Garion in the Belgariad, I hated it when it was used by Eragon in Eragon, and I hate it now. It is the most self-pitying, whiny drivel for a main character to say. Even in Tolkien, when Frodo Baggins comes pretty close to it, Gandalf, though kindly, tells him not to think like that.

So, next comes the fact that Zoey’s mark is “now a completed crescent moon, filled in perfectly with the distinctive sapphire blue of the vampire tattoo” (45).

Where do I start?

The Casts are trying hard to justify Zoey’s existence as the main character by quickly making her ‘special’. They’re giving her all the trappings of someone who matters, from Nyx praising her to her tattoo, magically being filled in, which apparently means she’s more mature or something. According to the little guild book (which looks terrible, let me tell you) it means that the change is complete, which is something that shouldn’t happen for four years. All of this is to show us how unique that Zoey is. This is actually a pretty common tactic of new writers. They try to show how interesting the character is by giving them interesting powers.

However, the largest problem with this is actually Zoey herself. She’s got all this specialness dumped on her, but at the same time, there’s nothing about Zoey herself that is particularly interesting. She didn’t earn these powers from my view. She hasn’t done anything particularly brave, particularly mature, particularly kind or even noticeably different than anyone else. She’s not even sympathetic. 

This is, of course, a problem with Mary Sues in general. One of the things that actually makes them into Sues is that, at some level, the focus is on the cool powers and abilities that the person has, rather than who they are. The Sue herself is honestly a pretty empty character. There is no amount of interesting powers or plot points that make Zoey special that will make me support her. Zoey has to be someone I would support even if she didn’t have those traits.

Another problem has to do with plot related issues. The Fledging Handbook gives a lot of medical jargon that attempts to prove that it’s not just magic, and there are biological things happening. The problem is that if Nyx decided to speed up a biological process that the book flat states will cause damage as her entire physiology is changed, there will be more damage.

And, of course, that’s another major problem with a Sue. They don’t suffer consequences for either they actions or the price of whatever power that they’ve gotten (unless the author thinks it will garner sympathy).

So, yes, there are major problems.

Zoey looks at herself in the mirror, and we get to learn that somehow, Zoey’s eyes look bigger and her skin is paler. So, apparently, Meyer wasn’t the only one accidentally said that being a vampire makes you white. Good to know. We also are told how exotic looking the tattoo looks, which, given a picture of it, either looks like a bad photoshop job or like she put a sharpie on her forehead and drew a moon.

Not particularly exotic. Though she looks more like Sesshomaru now.

She is unhappy about the change and does ask what’s going on. And someone out of the blue says that that is what they were hoping that Zoey would explain.

And it’s a very pretty woman. I know this because Zoey spends a good page telling me just how gorgeous this woman is from her “huge, almond-shaped eyes that were a deep mossy green” (46) to the fact that “her body was perfect” (46). Basically, she’s got red hair, green eyes, and boobs. Zoey is very sure to point out that she has boobs.

Also, because Zoey is an awful person, we’ve got this…charming line:

“She wasn’t thin like those freak girls who puked and starved themselves into what they thought was Paris Hilton chic (“That’s Hott.” Yeah, okay, whatever, Paris)” (46).

*takes a breath*

 You know what, P.C., Kristen? You’re both repugnant. This entire sentience and thought is repugnant. The fact that you are not only mocking young girls for having unrealistic standards for their bodies and the fact that they are harming themselves to meet them, but also calling them freaks for doing so is disgusting. You both should be ashamed of yourselves and of your nasty little troll of a character.

The fact that you’ve put this little monster up as someone who should be admired disgusts me.

At least John didn’t insult Zoey or her sister or her mother for their bodies.

So. Moving on. Zoey has a crush on this random woman. That was the point. A crush that Zoey takes pains to insist is 100% straight not-that-there’s-any-problem-with-gay-people-one-of-my-friends-is-gay.

The woman smiles, and Zoey mentions that her teeth are “amazingly straight, white teeth—without fangs” (46) but she’s got the crescent moon on her forehead. That makes her a vampire. Not the fangs or anything traditional.

Cast Ladies…why didn’t you just make your vampires witches? You clearly want to talk about Wicca and magick and such. Why not just go the whole hog?

So, the vampire tells Zoey that technically she hasn’t changed, but the completed mark is still on her forehead, which blows everything the manual says out of the water, and should have killed Zoey anyways.

The woman says that having this happen is to be considered an good omen, and while Zoey flounders a little, Granny jumps in and introduces “the High Priestess of the House of Night, Neferet.” (47)

Neferet? You know, Nefertiti? Famed beauty of Ancient Egypt? Wife of the infamous heretic Pharaoh Akhenaten? The vampires of this world sure are humble.

Neferet greets Zoey as ‘Zoey Redbird’ and Zoey points out her last name is Montgomery. But this name is too normal for our Sue. Neferet basically tells her that this is the chance for her to make a new start and make choices she couldn’t before. Which basically means this is a time to choose her name. This also means that she’s legally an adult apparently, but that’s a can of worms I’m going to bring up later.

Now, I’ve seen this idea worked with before in the Skullduggery Pleasant books. When someone started working with magic, they got the chance to make up the name that they’d be known as by the magical community. And the book went into the problems that came from teenagers change their names. Because teenagers choose names that sound cool at the time, and then they need to live with the cringe. This book has plenty of names that their owners will…regret. Zoey, for once, shows some moderate intelligence and just goes by Zoey Redbird.

Zoey gets a melodramatic welcome to her new life, and she tries to shake hands, but Neferet grabs her arm instead, which is “weird but somehow felt right” (47).

Ten bucks says that this is how Amazons greeted one another or something in this world, and Zoey’s just magically in tune with it.

And then we get this paragraph:

“Her touch was warm and firm. Her smile blazed with welcome. She was amazing and awe inspiring. Actually, she was what all vampyres are, more than human—stronger, smarter, more talented” (47). (There’s more but I’ll get to it later.)

First, we get it Zoey. You want to marry Neferet. Second, Note the final sentence. I’ll write it out for you again.

“Actually, she was what all vampyres are, more than human—stronger, smarter, more talented” (47).

Right here is the core problem with this series. It’s not Zoey, though she’s pretty close. It’s not the other obnoxious, insensitive, and otherwise awful things that happen. Right here is the core problem: the Casts have admitted to us that they think that their vampires are better than humanity. Therefore, everything that they do should be seen as superior as well. So, there is no way that we can see anything wrong with the vampires as their own flaws. We’re supposed to see them as an ideal of how we should want to act. After all, they’re better than human. This is not just about a single Sue. This is about a Sue species, and the Casts, like Stephenie Meyer, can’t imagine why we would think that they were anything other than perfect.

And this honestly sets her vampires up for failure since now every flaw isn’t something that can be gotten over, it’s something that I’m supposed to like, and see as a good thing. The fact that the vampire society is actually in some ways more sexist than modern society is supposed to be seen as good. The utter indifference that the vampires have to the potential death of the children that they’re teaching is a good thing. The utter distain for humanity is something that I’m supposed to agree with.

This also is a plot hole. Again, are the vampires an oppressed minority facing unjust biotry or are they so much better than us that there’s nothing we can do about them so that the hatred against them is totally justified? For someone to be oppressed there as to be something that the oppressor has over them. Vampires not only have the desirable jobs, but honestly don’t seem to suffer much other than fear and a lack of understanding. They have magic powers, immortality and influence. People have every reason not to trust them, and if the vampires are smarter, better, and stronger than us, then humanity has a good reason to view them with nothing but suspicion. What’s to stop them from enslaving us as a sort of breeding population for new vampires?

Seriously, given this kind of power, what’s to stop them from using it?

Of course, the Cast Ladies either didn’t think about this or really don’t care.

So, let’s move on the rest of this paragraph, shall we?

“She looked like someone had turned on a blazing inner light within her, which I realize is definitely an ironic description considering the vampyre stereotypes (some of which I already knew were totally true): they avoid sunlight, they’re most powerful at night, they need to drink blood to survive (eesh!), and they worship a goddess who is known as Night personified. (47)

One of these things is not like the others.

So, this is clever. They’re very carefully setting their own little idea of goddess worshiping as part of what makes a vampire a vampire. You notice that it’s in the end of the sentence as well, so it’s sort of being slipped in at the end along with the actual ‘stereotypes’. However, I would say, as a writer, it is dangerous to make religion so important to a species. Are there vampires who are atheist? Who retain their old religion? Why not? Is the religion enforced?

Since Zoey’s experience seeing Nyx is treated as if it is rare, then the Casts can’t even claim that people convert due to the personal experience.

Now, there are three potential ways to handle this question. The first is that Nyx chooses people who are likely to believe in her to be vampires. The second is that the vampire transformation also involves brainwashing. The third is that there are several underground religions being practiced and people staring emptily into space during services, but the Nyxian religion tends to suppress and oppress anyone who doesn’t believe like they do.

Zoey finally comes to herself and says it’s nice to meet her, and then Neferet tells Zoey that she’s special.

Or rather she says how she’s never seen a fledgling (as they call baby vampires who haven’t…I don’t know popped or something) come to them unconscious and with a completed mark. I’d buy the completed mark, but unconscious would probably be common, given that this is supposed to be a life or death situation, there are probably cases where the unfortunate kid is far away, and it takes a long time for the parents to get them there.

Neferet asks if Zoey remembers how she got there, and Zoey opens her mouth to say what happened and then

“I got a weird feeling, like someone had just hit me in the stomach. It was clear (there should be a semicolon here) and it was specific,(that comma should be a semicolon too) and it was telling me to shut up” (48)

 ...

I hate feelings.

This is probably one of the standard laziest conventions of writing. Don’t want the main character do divulge information that you don’t want them do but is totally within their character do to so? Have a character be thought dead, but you want the main character to believe they’re alive for no reason? Want to have the main character trust someone despite their being shady? Just give them Feelings! 

The reason that I hate ‘gut feelings’ or whatever isn’t that they’re not real. If you listen to a lot of things like ‘Let’s Not Meet’ you’ll read about a lot of times where that sinking feeling either saves someone’s life, or is the precursor to a very bad time for the writer. The problem with it in literature, is that it gives the writer an excuse to have the main character peek at the plot’s outline. They just ‘know’ that a certain character can or can’t be trusted, or they can sense that a character isn’t dead and so on. It’s a way to protect the character from bad choices, make them make the right choice, or show how right they are when the writer can’t think of anything that might work.

Because Zoey, normally, would tell Neferet, and then Neferet, being evil, would have done something, but the Casts, can’t give Zoey any real reason not to.

They’re apparently too lazy to even have Nyx go ‘btw don’t tell anyone ‘bout this for a while, k?’

Now I know that it’s supposed to be a hint that Nyx is working with Zoey, but that’s just as dumb.

Also, I wonder if Neferet is the villain. Uh-oh, I’d better not give away the ‘plot twist’. Seriously, Casts, if you’re going to give me a shocker villain, try not to have the ‘bad feeling’ the moment you meet her.

Anyways, Zoey lies and says that she can’t remember, and:

 “I wanted to look away from the sharpness of her green-eyed gaze, but the same feeling that was ordering me to be quiet was also clearly telling me that I had to keep eye contact with her, that I had to try really hard to look like I wasn’t hiding anything, even though I didn’t have a clue why I was hiding anything” (48).

This is just pathetic.

As a word of advice to writers. You don’t need to do this. You don’t need to sit there and bash readers over the head with what is happening. Most readers aren’t stupid. They really did catch the what was happening the first time.

Also, again, twist villains are twist villains because they don’t give any indication, outside of very subtle ones that you’ll only catch on a re-read that they’re twist villains.

What’s dumber is that Neferet has no reason to think that Zoey’s lying. She’s been all but drooling over Neferet from the beginning. This is silly.

Anyways, Granny mentions that memory loss is a sign of head trauma (obviously, though if that’s the cause Zoey should be seeing a doctor, not that these guys believe in those) and Neferet agrees really fast and her face stops being sharp. And she assures granny that everything’s going to be fine, calling her ‘Silvia Redbird’.

Zoey relaxes at this point because clearly anyone who likes Granny is a good person.

Seriously.

It said so in the text.

Morality is now defined by whether or not you like a random old woman who might or might not be a horrible person. Oh. Right. I guess I’m evil now according to this book.

…

…

Whelp, I’m a Catholic, so I guess that’s a given.

Neferet asks if Zoey wants to see her new roommate, and Zoey, still feeling misgiving, agrees.

“‘Excellent!’ Neferet said. Thankfully she ignored the fact that I was standing there like a smiling stupid garden gnome” (49).

…I…have surprisingly little to say to that. I just…sort of wanted you to read it. And be as vaguely confused as me.

Granny is a little nervous about this and asks if Zoey shouldn’t be in observation for another night. Given that she’s just said she’s had a concussion and is experiencing memory loss, this is something that should be done. Neferet, being a jerk, dismisses any natural concern and says Zoey’s naturally healing. Because vampires are awesome.

So, Neferet smiles at Zoey and Zoey smiles back even though she’s uncomfortable.

“It seemed like she was genuinely happy that I was there. And, truthfully, she made me think turning into a vampyre might not be so bad” (49).

So, this is the Casts trying very, very hard to make it sound like everything’s fine and this was a false alarm so that they can later claim that Neferet was a shocking plot twist. The problem is that all that this really does is make Zoey sound stupid. There’s no reason for her to trust this woman, she’s been taught all her life that vampires are dangerous. Why does she allow herself to go along with this and trust her other than being stupid?

However, Zoey just assures Granny that everything’s fine, and realizes that, honestly she does feel better.

It took her that long to realize it.

Neferet, for her part, also assures Granny, giving her “solemn oath” (49) that Zoey is safe and gives the information that fledglings are paired with a mentor who is an adult and promises to be Zoey’s mentor.

I wonder if this is part of her plans.

Also, while she acts like this is a good thing, she doesn’t explain what this means. What does a mentor do? Are they supposed to be emotional support? Teach them ethical means of getting blood? Act as a sponsor into vampire communion like in the Catholic Church? What?

But Neferet does a salute with her fist over her heart and bowing. Now, I’ve researched this, but apparently, this doesn’t actually come from anything. I’ve seen it in fiction, as something amazons did, as something Martians did, as something Trojans did. I’m going to bet this is something that the Casts read in something like MZB and decided that it sounded cool, and they trace it to Amazons. Granny does the same thing and then hugs Zoey and tells her to call and leaves.

So, I’m going to remind everyone that Granny essentially kidnapped Zoey and took her here without her parents’ permission, and apparently the laws so favor the vampires that there’s nothing that they can do about this. Zoey is now completely cut off from the outside world with only people who believe in the same thing for company.

And this is a good thing.

Neferet asks Zoey if she’s ready for her new life.

I would pay, right now, to see an angry main character. Someone who was taken from a family she was happy with, saddled with a destiny she didn’t want, and angry that everyone seems to think that this is a ‘new life’ and she’s been ‘chosen by the Goddess’. I’d pay to see resentment, fear, but all we get is…this.

“I looked up at her and thought again how amazing she was. If I actually Changed into a vampyre, would I get her confidence and power, or was that just something only a High Priestess got? For an instant it flashed in my mind how awesome it would be to be a High Priestess” (50).

Did you feel that hammer pound your head? That’s called foreshadowing.

Now, there are several things wrong with even these few sentences. The first is the simple fact that only a few minutes ago, Zoey was scared of this character. Now, we’re expected to like her again. The second, obviously, is the High Priestess garbage.

Casts, you don’t need to tell us how the story will end on the fifth chapter of the first book. It’s really kind of sad, and a little insulting to your readers. They don’t need this level of spoon feeding. What’s more, even though Zoey claims that sanity returns and she’s just a confused kid, she’s already come off as more than a tad arrogant. Finally, this whole thing comes out of nowhere and doesn’t help to make Zoey’s final claims of being nervous sound true.

If she’s fantasizing about being the High Priestess, she’s not that nervous.

But she claims, when she says that she is that she’s glad that she sounds more confident than she feels.

And that’s the end of the chapter.

This was a necessary chapter, given that it introduced the villain Neferet, but the foreshadowing was far too ham handed, the writing is still painful, and Zoey flips around from being scared to impressed to forgetting that she was scared. I wish I could claim that this was Neferet’s powers or something, but it’s not. Zoey’s just dumb.

Anyways, next chapter we get sexual assault! But that’s fine before it’s girl on boy, and we’re fighting the Patriarchy™!

Wish me luck.

[lostnwonderlandz]

Book Pages VIII

Meyer, Stephenie. twilight. Little, Brown and Co, New York, 2005.

The story follows a seventeen year old girl, Bella Swan as she starts living with her father in Forks, Washington. After leaving sunny Phoenix where she used to live with her mom, she is left with rain and overcast skies, something she begins to truly despise. On her first day of high school, Bella draws attention from the entire school, including glances from the youngest of the mysterious Cullens, Edward. Against her will, her eyes constantly begin to seek him out in crowds, glancing at him during lunch and throughout biology where he is her lab partner. Although she tries to befriend him at first, he avoids her and becomes slightly hostile to the point Bella dreads going to class. Slowly, he starts to talk to her, becoming an odd sort of friends, even though he warns her that it would be for her own benefit to stay away from him. Like any seventeen year old faced with danger, she strives headfirst into their weird friendship. Bella begins to notice certain things around her time with Edward that cause her confusion, like how he saved her from a minivan and comes out unscathed, or follows her into town and saves her from a group of harassing men, or the fact that he misses an alarming amount of school and is cold to the touch. After meeting Jacob Black on the La Push reservation, he tells Bella about the reasons that the Cullens aren’t allowed to come to the beach since the legends say that they are vampires (although they don’t feed on humans). Bella then suspects that this is true and tells Edward that she isn’t scared, although she is. He says that he loves her too much to push her away and she loves him too much to have self-preservation. It’s very sappy and leads to him inviting her to play baseball with his family. This is when a dangerous vampire, James, catches Bella’s scent and wants to drink her like a Capri sun. Edward and his family defend her, taking her to Phoenix, but James tricks Bella into thinking he is going to kill her mother. She walks into her death, allowing him to bite her until Edwards saves the day. He has to suck the vampire germs out of her, trying not to drain her since she is his favorite flavor of fruit punch. Bella heals and goes back to Forks with a vampire boyfriends and the desire for him to turn her so she can be with him forever.

I remember when Twilight became a huge sensation when I was in intermediate and middle school, so I watched all the movies and my mom bought me the books. They remained buried in a pile of to be read that never quite made it on my priorities. Now, I kind of loathe to admit it, I enjoyed the book. I liked it in a way that led to cringey Tumblr accounts and Wattpad worthy romance. It was the gateway to a new way of writing for teens. I can’t say I enjoyed all of it, but I definitely understand why we were so obsessed with the books growing up. It is a lovely and cringy romance that kept me entertained for a solid six hours.

This book doesn’t cover much out of the ordinary for a teen book, yet it tried its best. The werewolves, or wolf shifters, in the book are Native American, and Stephanie Meyer tries her best to represent them well. Bella, as flat of a character she is, isn’t overtly sexualized or romanticized in this book. She believes herself to be completely ordinary and unoriginal, blending in with the crowd, although everybody else thinks she is special. I think that this appeals to teens as they also desire to be considered different and for a handsome guy to notice them that has supernatural abilities. If anything, I think that the men in this novel aren’t depicted very well, Edward’s only emotions being anger and love, his sole world revolving around Bella. Overall, I think that this book has aged in a way that I was surprised and kind of glad I took the time to read it.

[edwardsvirginity]

And now... I introduce my best friend to Eclipse! 

--0000000--

[riley’s first appearance]

Friend: who's that

mike?

(the rest of the commentary for the movie is under the readmore!)

--0000000--

[bella reciting the opening monologue: some say the world will end in fire…]

Friend: wow…drama queen

--0000000--

[Edward and bella in the meadow]

Friend: is this real or is this more of her crazy headspace

--0000000--

Edward: marry me

Bella: I have an English final

Friend: wow……. Rude

--0000000--

[Charlie grounding bella]

Friend: charlie…. is the only sane character tbh lmfao

he knows an abusive relationship when he sees one

--0000000--

[Edward sabatoges bella’s truck]

Friend:  Y I K E S

A B U S I V E

this is not romantic lol

--0000000--

Renee: I just want to make sure ur making the right choices for you

Friend: she's NOT

--0000000--

[renee gives bella the quilt from all their trips]

Friend: awwww

except she's selling out her fam for bloodsuckers

--0000000--

[all the cullens wait for Victoria in the forest]

Friend: is it whatshername

the redheaded bitch

--0000000--

Friend: i'm just gonna say….alice and carlisle are the only valid vampires

Me: whyso?

Friend: idk anything about jasper and emmett, edward is weird, who else even is there

--0000000--

Me: [pauses movie because a spider has appeared by my head and I’m freaking out]

[it lands on my laptop and I scream and close it]

Ok… we can resume

Friend: what happened?

Me: [explains]

Him: ? ? ? why didn't you kill it?!

Me: killing it requires getting close enough to touch it, and that's Too Close

i don't kill spiders

anyway

Him: what?!? lmfao

you don't kill spiders

Me: killing them is too scary

Him: i'd rather kill it and know it's dead than wonder where it is

wow

me: i just scream until someone else comes to do it for me

him: that's a lot to take in

--0000000--

[jake confronting Edward about being on their territory]

Edward: I was trying to protect u by not telling u abt Victoria

Friend: mmmm yikes

bella just needs to move tf back to florida

this is….Too Much

--0000000--

[bella goes to lapush]

Friend: tbh i like his pack

--0000000--

Leah: if ur here to torture jake some more u can leave

Friend: oooooh

burn

--0000000--

[movie introduces imprinting]

Friend: tbh i think that whole concept is insane™ and i dont get it

bc it like absolves you of your own…actions

& removes the other person's choice

it's really fucking creepy

--0000000--

Friend: also it would be soooo weird to be able to read people's thoughts

Me: i know it would freak me out

i would hate being able to hear everything my packmates thought

Friend: i don't need anyone else to know how horny i am

--0000000--

[Jacob arguing with bella about the cullens]

Jacob: theyre not even alive

Friend: "they're not even alive" y i k e s

--0000000--

[riley creeping in bella’s house]

Friend: man i'd be sleepin with a shotgun lmfao

& like 12 dogs

--0000000--

[Edward yelling at bella abt bella disappearing with jake]

Me: he’s so overprotective

Friend: she needs it tho

Me: because she's such a danger magnet?

Friend: um….yeah

& she is a fucking damsel in distress

she has no power of her own :((

--0000000--

Friend: he's so…ugly

me: Edward?

Friend: yeah ……….

--0000000--

[Jake appears shirtless]

Edward: doesn’t he own a shirt

Friend: “doesn't he own a shirt"

LMFAO edward voicing my thoughts

--0000000--

[Edward kissing bella before passing her off to jake, who immediately hugs her]

Friend: the way they …. fight with each other by using her body :|

--0000000--

Friend: what do native americans think of this?

Me: [explains]

Friend: so what is the redeeming quality of these movies exactly lmfao

Me: they’re… fun?

Friend: i guess

like indiana jones

racist trash, but fun(?)

--0000000--

Me: I hate his sideburns in this movie

Friend: don't think they're that bad

his whole face tho is not great

especially pale af

--0000000--

[nonconsensual kiss scene]

Jake: ill fight until ur heart stops beating

Bella: u wont have to wait for long

Friend: YIKES

--0000000--

[Edward and Jake fighting post-punch]

Jake: she’s not sure what she wants

Friend: Y I K E S

--0000000--

[Carlisle bandaging bella]

Friend: carlisle is so hot

i wanna marry dr. carlisle

the way he medicines everyone up…

wow

 [..]

edward is useless

seduce Carlisle

 [..]

edward's been alive 100 years and hasn't become a doctor??? c'mon

--0000000--

[Rosalie killing her rapists]

Friend: LM FAO

love that

W O W

that's a more interesting story than bella's LMFAO

--0000000--

[Rosalie trying to convince bella to stay human]

Rose: there’s one thing you’ll want more than Edward… one thing you’ll kill for… blood

Friend: ohhh….

SHE REAL

--0000000--

Friend: & also bella's assumption that Edward is That Great

she's 18….. she hasn't even TRIED college boys

 [..]

has she even had sex with anyone, ever?

--0000000--

Friend: Evil Dakota Fanning is ….. scary af

--0000000--

Friend: i'll say what i want about stephanie meyer being a fucked up mormon…. but her music taste is p good

Me: she didn’t do the soundtracks

Friend: ummm…i remember stephanie meyer specifically thanking Muse in her books

in the "acknolwedgements" section

 or did you, the twilight princess, not read that part

--0000000--

[graduation party]

Friend: I feel like there should be a twilight spoof..

where a high school girl has to choose between dating a furry and a goth

bc that's what this feels like to me

--0000000--

Friend: he freaks me out

the beefy one

--0000000--

[training scene]

Friend: jasper's kinda sexy too

well, everyone looks good next to robert :|

--0000000--

[jasper’s backstory]

Friend: jasper was a confederate soldier?!?!??!

what?? lmfao

confederate vampires? thanks i hate it

--0000000--

Friend: didn't he have like a life and morals before becoming a vampire or

i mean i guess he's a confederate so maybe not but

--0000000--

[jasper’s backstory]

Friend: he just listens to her lmfao

his Evil Mexican Bruja

--0000000--

[about Victoria]

Friend: she should just make someone sexy a vampire and fuck them tho

she has the power here

--0000000--

[about Jacob]

Friend: is there a REASON he never wears a shirt?

--0000000--

[Jake trying to convince bella she has feelings for him]

Jake: you can love more than one person… like sam, Emily, and leah

Friend: thruple!

that's the only resolution here

jacob & edward need to fuck each other and get over it

there's too much tension between them

--0000000--

Alice: you and Edward will have the house to yourself tonight

Friend: oooooo

Alice: you’re welcome

Friend: LMFAO

alice is a bro

--0000000--

Bella [immediately after the scene with Alice]: hey dad, I was wondering

Friend: hey dad… i was wondering. do you have any condoms

--0000000--

Bella: dad I’m a virgin

Friend: not for long….

--0000000--

Friend: but like honestly it's all so deeply unclear to me

he has like no blood, right?

HOW does he get hard

Me: he’s always hard

Friend: i don't think that's how that works

--0000000--

[Edward and bella in edward’s room]

Bella: I wanna ask u something

Friend: "can we fuck"

--0000000--

Friend: i feel like "becoming a vampire" is just a metaphor for "losing virginity"

--0000000--

[Bella tried to jump Edward]

Edward: bella…no

Friend: ???????????

they already kiss and stuff?????????

Me: yeah

i think he's worried he'd like. fuck her to death

idk… her vulva is delicate i guess

 Friend: they could do some Other Stuff

Me: yeah i know

edward is just…. too old school to understand anything but piv

Friend: fuck her to death…with his flaccid vampire dick

 [..]

this is so………Weird

?????????? sex is not a sin

--0000000--

[Edward talking abt how he would have courted bella in 1918]

Friend: ???????????? i dont believe that at all

people fucked in the 1800s

edward is a fucking weirdo

[Edward starts his grand speech]

Friend: Ew

this is…. a Lot

tbh it's Not Sexy that he can't adapt to a more feminist era

[Edward proposes]

Friend: this is…… a Lot

he Keeps Asking

[bella accepts]

Friend: she's only saying yes because she's horny!!!!

--0000000--

Friend: also….tbh it's sad that these vampires have to deny their instincts and have no control over themselves

like ….maybe they should just be euthanized

 Me: :O

Friend: is it fair to deny them their nature???

we don't force tigers to be vegetarians

what is the difference

Me: because… they're sentient and intellectual and can decide for themselves not to eat humans

Friend: i'm not sure i buy that

Me: you think they're not smart enough to make their own decision not to eat humans?

Friend: it seems like they have to be rehabilitated to deny a very natural instinct that they have no control over

are the cullens themselves a metaphor for mormonism?

 Me: yeah but carlisle CHOSE a vegetarial lifestyle… no one forced it on him

Friend: i guess

but at what cost

lmao

--0000000--

[tent scene]

Jacob: I am hotter than u

Friend: LMFAO

--0000000--

Friend: why didn't they bring more blankets?????

how fucking cold is it

Dumbasses

--0000000--

[Edward and jake arguing over bella]

Friend: idk bella….

i'd rather fuck a hot wolf than a freezing rock hard PussyDestroying Vampire

those wolves are HUGE…. huge dicks im sure

--0000000--

[Edward talking about how he doesn’t want bella to be a vamp to jake]

 Friend: i feel like they're Bonding

over their inability to control this woman lmfao

--0000000--

[jake and Edward fighting over bella]

Friend: bella is not that interesting? ? ? ?

--0000000--

Edward: if you weren’t trying to steal bella I might actually like u

Friend: wow

THIS is where they should fuck

t h r u p l e

look deep into each other's eyes

--0000000--

Friend: she'd warm up if they were having sex

--0000000--

[post tent scene]

Friend: she's not even wearing a hat rn

bella…what the fuck

--0000000--

[Edward and bella talking about being engaged, jake overhears]

Bella: it’s the 21st century

Friend: yeah, it is the 21st century…. marry them both

--0000000--

[bella asks jake to kiss her]

Friend: what the FUCK is happening

--0000000--

[bella and jake making out]

Friend: she's not even wearing anything warm

--0000000--

[battle]

Friend: carlisle…. kung fu master

Me: renaissance man

Friend: only breaks the hippocratic oath when absolutely necessary

--0000000--

[confrontation with riley and Victoria, Edward trying to convince riley to turn on Victoria]

Edward: think about it riley.. .you’re from forks… you know the area

Friend: "you're from forks… who would want that"

--0000000--

[Carlisle healing jake]

Friend: god…..my sexy, classy dad

… so smart….. so kind

--0000000--

Bella: I’m not normal

Friend: bella….you are SO normal

the reason every middle school girl read these books and thought they were like bella is bc you are just THAT normal

--0000000--

Edward: I guess we should start planning the wedding

Bella: no… something more difficult first… more dangerous

Friend: is she still talking about her virginity