#there's so much there to explore. the way he has his imago and has to uphold it always

[marsuro]

I fell into the Mariana I was a mirror for the night (I know You have to be Or not to be The Man)

[k-s-morgan]

Will’s vs. Hannibal’s Ways of Expressing Love

The fact that Hannibal loves Will and is in love with him is openly stated in the show several times. Will’s feelings, on the other hand, are more ambiguous, which is why some viewers often doubt whether Hannibal’s love is reciprocated. I think that exploring the ways these two men experience and react to love can explain the varying degrees of their openness about it.

I’ll put TLDR right here: Hannibal is more open about himself and his feelings, including love, hence he doesn’t have many challenges with admitting it. Will is closed off, stiff, and emotionally repressed, so he expresses his feelings in a much more subtle way.

Let’s start with Hannibal. Details about his past are scarce, but we know that he admits to loving two people throughout his life, his sister and Will.

E3 of S3.

*Bedelia: What your sister made you feel was beyond your conscious ability to control or predict … I would suggest what Will Graham makes you feel is not dissimilar. A force of mind and circumstance.*    

*Hannibal: Love.*

Undoubtedly, Hannibal’s love for Mischa was traumatic and unhealthy. He loved her so much that he ate a part of her body after she was killed, devastated by this loss. But it was still love that made him feel all the related emotions, so Hannibal has some experience with it. From what we know of him, he has a very broad mind. He despises limitations and overcomes them, and he is not ashamed of who he is. He isn’t embarrassed to cry in the opera or to be the first to stand up and applaud; he delights in stereotypically ‘feminine’ hobbies like cooking and clothes selection; he draws fan-art and openly expresses his admiration when it’s due. For this reason, Hannibal doesn’t have many problems with expressing love either.  

Upon meeting Will, he is immediately drawn to him. He sees him as his potential partner and decides he wants to try and build a family with him as early as E2 of S1. That’s when he starts planting the idea of Abigail being their shared daughter in Will’s mind. He does the same to Abigail, urging her to see him and Will as her parents, even giving her shrooms to evoke the desired associations (unsuccessfully since Will doesn’t come to dinner). So, Hannibal acknowledged his pull/infatuation with Will from the very start, and he acted on it right away.

It’s not 100% love at this point, but Hannibal still easily follows his emotions. He doesn’t stop to consider how strange it is to want a family with a man he just met; he doesn’t agonize over the idea of how his life has more risks now that he allows another human being to know him. When these feelings progress at the end of S1/start of S2, Hannibal is finally taken aback. While he never planned to leave Will in prison and it was a part of his plan, he still didn’t expect to miss him so much — he admits it to Bedelia, looking forlorn, in E1 of S2. He repeatedly pines for Will by sitting in front of his chair at the time of his supposed appointment, glancing at the clock despite knowing Will is not going to come. This is a shift to an actual love, but Hannibal still doesn’t fight it. On the contrary, he embraces it, and he spends the entire S2 doing repeatedly romantic gestures for Will. Namely:

1) Protects Abigail to reunite Will with her later.

2) Shares a part of himself he doesn’t seem to have ever shared with anyone else. He talks to Will about Mischa, reveals his views on murder and God, acknowledges he cared about Abigail, and shows vulnerability. He shares his teacup ritual with him, which is something precious and deeply personal.

3) He digs up fake Freddie’s corpse and decorates it as a way of courting Will (as directly said by Alana).  

4) He draws a fan-art of himself and Will as Achilles and Patroclus.

5) He is ready to abandon his well-established life in Baltimore and reputation to run away with Will. In Hannibal’s view, no one truly suspects him and there is no evidence against him, but Will is in danger. So he’s willing to discard everything he’s been building for 20 years for him.

Finally, he calls Will a loved one more or less directly in E13 of S2 (in fact, he implies that they both love each other).

*Hannibal: Do you know what an imago is, Will? … An imago is an image of a loved one buried in the unconscious, carried with us all our lives.*

*Will: An ideal.*

*Hannibal: The concept of an ideal... I have a concept of you, just as you have a concept of me.*

Will hurts him with his betrayal, and Hannibal still finds himself unable to kill him. He is openly crying in the finale, admitting how Will hurt him, breaks his (and his own) heart by killing Abigail, and flees to Europe to start a new life. But things don’t go as he hoped they would. Bedelia is not a worthy substitute, and Hannibal is increasingly slipping into a self-destructive state because of his love for Will. He kills Anthony, who was an improved copy of Will, and turns him into a Valentine heart for him. Again, this is a very explicit and open emotional action. Hannibal doesn’t hide his feelings. He’s an emotional wreck with Bedelia in E3, and as they are talking about Will, he admits he’s in love with him.

*Hannibal: You cannot control with respect to whom you fall in love.*

Bedelia points out his self-destructiveness.

*Bedelia: You're going to get caught. It's already been set into motion … I know exactly how I will be navigating my way out of whatever it is I’ve gotten myself into. Do you?*

After Hannibal keeps spiraling and kills Sogliato, she adds: *You're drawing them to you, aren't you? All of them.*  

Hannibal gets so self-destructive over Will that he lets Jack beat himself almost to death, not even attempting to fight him. The first words he says to Will after they reunite in E6 are:

*Hannibal: If I saw you every day forever, Will, I would remember this time.*

He’s a romantic. The courtship, the Valentine heart, the romance — Hannibal did have some struggles, but overall, he accepts these feelings and isn’t afraid to act on them.

When Will pulls a knife in E6, Hannibal classifies it as another betrayal. This is where he decides to kill and eat him in the hope to put an end to this misery (which is what he and Bedelia discussed back in E3). However, even blinded by another heartbreak, Hannibal tries to save Will at the same time. He knows the police are coming and he puts off the moment of sawing for as long as he can, first fussing over Will and his wound, then waiting for Jack, then doing everything slowly as hell.

Everything changes in E7, when Hannibal faces the real risk of losing Will and comes to terms with the fact that a hope of life with him is better than life without him. So Hannibal carries Will home bridal-style, takes care of him, waits for him to wake up and writes formulas to reverse time. He directly tells Will that Will won, and that he, Hannibal, is at Will’s mercy.

*Hannibal: Your memory palace is building. It's full of new things. It shares some rooms with my own. I've discovered you there. Victorious.*

He gives himself up, sacrificing the freedom he’s been fighting for back in E2 finale, in the hope that one day, Will is going to come back to him. After this, Hannibal is all about Will, with all his heart. Throughout the second half of S3, he says things like, *“I gave you a child. You are family, Will. Was it good to see me?”*, etc. He agrees to risk his life by agreeing to Will’s plan, knowing he’s planning something but not knowing what and if he’d die in the process. In E13, Hannibal says:

*Hannibal: "No greater love hath man than to lay down his life for a friend"* and shields Will from the bullet. Later, he allows Will to push them both down, and he stays with him afterward.

Conclusion: Hannibal is very accepting of himself, so he doesn’t undergo severe challenges on the path to acknowledging what he feels for Will. He knows what love feels like because he felt it for Mischa before, so he embraces loving Will pretty quickly, even though he doesn’t know how to best approach it at times. That’s why we get direct and explicit confirmation of his feelings several times.

Now, on to Will.

Unlike with Hannibal, there is no evidence that Will has ever experienced love before (at least love for people). We know he had a father and was lonely as a child.

E4 of S1.

*Will: We were poor. I followed my father from the boat yards in Biloxi and Greenville to lake boats on Erie.*

*Hannibal: Always the new boy at school? Always the stranger?*

*Will: Always.*

His choice of words indicates that his relationship with his father wasn’t all that good (for instance, *I followed my father* instead of *My father and I had to…*). So, it doesn’t look like Will ever had meaningful connections. More than that, he says:

*Will: There’s something so foreign about family. Like an ill-fitting suit. Never connected to the concept.*

We can suggest that he doesn’t know what love is or how it feels like. From E1, we know he isolates himself because he hates himself for who he is: he understands he’s different, that there is darkness in him, but he desperately tries to subdue it and deny this fact. He’s rude, twitchy, and unhappy, but like Hannibal, he understands the extent of his loneliness only upon meeting him. That’s when he tries forming relationships with others.

Will’s relationships with Alana and Abigail are a good indication of his problems with love. He wants to be with Alana because he needs to feel normal. In 99% of cases, he remembers about her only when she comes to seek him out first. He kisses her for the first time at the moment of particular vulnerability, fearing that he’s finally losing his mind (in E8). When Hannibal calls him out on it, Will doesn’t deny it and semi-nods. He actually had to agree with it verbally according to the script.

*Will: I feel unstable.*

*Hannibal: That’s why you kissed her. A clutch for balance.*

*Will: Because I’m losing mine.*

So, it’s not that Will feels romantic love for Alana — he uses her because he desperately needs to feel like everyone else. Alana is a pretty, smart, normal woman who fits this goal perfectly. He doesn’t allow himself to be genuine with her unlike he does with Hannibal, to whom he opens up.

Will confesses to Hannibal that he loved killing Hobbs in E2, which got him down and made him panic. Hannibal supports him, and Will keeps coming back to him. He talks about everything important with Hannibal, opening parts of himself that he guards from everyone else. Will asks Hannibal to look after his dogs as early as E4 — he doesn’t have other friends, and he’s already focused on Hannibal. He buys into an idea of having a family with him and Abigail, which is amazing for Will, who has just said he could never relate to the concept of family.

When Will buys a gift for Abigail in the same E4 and freaks out, Hannibal asks him:

*Hannibal: Feeling paternal, Will?*

Will’s reaction is instant and defensive:

*Will: Aren’t you?*

Hannibal easily says “yes”, which disarms Will. This is a great contrast between them: Hannibal isn’t afraid to talk and acknowledge his feelings while Will is embarrassed of them and shies away from them. In fact, this is a repeat of their conversation in E2.

*Hannibal: You saved Abigail Hobbs' life. You also orphaned her. It comes with certain emotional obligations.*

*Will: You were there. You saved her life, too. Do you feel obligated?*

Again, Will deflects. He’s wary of emotions, especially of admitting them out loud.

Will shows a hint of romantic interest in Hannibal in E7. He brings him a bottle of wine out of blue, but unfortunately, he stumbles upon the party Hannibal is preparing. Hannibal invites him to stay, but Will says he won’t be good company. He’s shy and awkward, smiling nervously and dropping his gaze in embarrassment. Then we have this lovely line:

*Will: I’ve got a date with the Chesapeake Ripper.*

So, in S1, Will makes considerable emotional progress. He realizes he wants a family after all, and while he makes several half-hearted attempts to court Alana, he’s mostly focused on Hannibal and Abigail. He opens himself up to Hannibal, receives official guardianship over Abigail with him, arguably flirts with Hannibal (like in the wine scene above), and covers up murder to protect their family. But then Hannibal betrays him. Will doesn’t know his reasons yet, but this betrayal plunged him into darkness, bitterness, and new stage of emotional repression. It’s worth mentioning another point of Abigail here: in the end, Will doesn’t know her. He spoke to her only several times, and even fewer times were genuine. He loves the idea of her, and this idea was introduced by Hannibal, not by Abigail’s presence. It’s Hannibal who forced Will to confront his need to love and be loved.  

In S2, Will is incredibly conflicted. He acknowledges to Hannibal that he hurt him, tries to kill him via Matthew, but when he recognizes that Hannibal wants him as a friend (as spoken in E7), his attitude changes. Will doesn’t plan to forgive him, he’s still angry at Hannibal for killing Abigail (which is his biggest conflict, as evident from his talks with Hannibal himself and Freddie), but now, he can’t bring himself to harm or betray Hannibal.

He gets his first chance in E7, after being released from prison. He threatens Hannibal with a gun and has a perfect chance to make him pay, but he doesn’t. Instead, he conspires with Jack and decides to cultivate co-dependency, creating an environment where only he “and the fish exist” (E8). What does Will do to start? He makes himself physically attractive, grooming and dressing prettily. It’s a seduction on all levels, and Will plans to use emotions to hurt Hannibal back. At the same time, Will admits to being confused over what he feels for Hannibal.

E8 of S2.

*Will: I envy you your hate. Makes it much easier when you know how to feel.*

E9 of S2 (talking about trying to kill Hannibal with Margot).

*Margot: Did he have it coming?*

*Will: What do you think?*

*Margot: I can't say that I know.*

*Will: Neither can I.*

He spends the rest of the season lying to both Hannibal and Jack, unsure whose side to choose, too lost in his own feelings to make sense of them. At the same time, he has a dream where Hannibal calls him beloved in E9. It shows that Will contemplates the idea of love in relation to Hannibal. In E10, Will tries to fantasize about Alana as he’s having sex with Margot. However, he sees the image of Wendigo near the fireplace, Wendigo who he’s used to associating with Hannibal. Two interesting things (copied from my other meta): first, Will actually sees Hannibal’s room and consequently, he sees himself in it (or he sees their rooms united). Second, he sees the Wendigo near Hannibal’s fireplace. Fireplace has many meanings, including passion, sexuality, home, family, and resurrection. It emphasizes the sexual and romantic subtext of this uniquely shot scene, where people destined to be together have sex with the wrong partners. Will’s vision begins to contract, focusing on Wendigo: he is having an orgasm at this very moment, imagining the Wendigo’s face very close, approaching him. Still through the misty eyes, he tries to focus on Alana again, but his gaze moves up to Wendigo above her, as if he can’t help himself. He and Hannibal reach orgasm first, with Alana and Margot following them. So, Will dragged Hannibal into his sex fantasy. It’s both symbolic and physical: he tried to imagine Alana just like he tried to have a relationship with her before, in S1, out of his desire to be normal. But his attention is inevitably drawn to Hannibal, who’s his “real deal”.

Based on this scene, it’s underlined once again how Will struggles with emotions. Even in the safety of his own mind, in his own fantasy, he tries to think of Alana but still ends up with Hannibal. Will is always fighting himself and who he is. He refuses to accept his darkness just as he refuses to admit he loves Hannibal. It’s the essence of who he is, denial is his second name.

Among the important moments, there are Will’s words to Hannibal:

*Will: You are right. We are just alike. You are as alone as I am. And we are both alone without each other.*

So, Will accepts the bond with Hannibal, and at this stage, he even has the courage to voice some of his emotional thoughts. His progress is slow, but it’s there.

In E11, Will has a nightmare. He sees a burning corpse of ‘Freddie’ in a wheelchair, a symbol of his betrayal of Hannibal, and he hears his own increasing screaming. It’s easy to interpret, knowing the context: Will feels guilty for lying to Hannibal.

When Margot loses her child, Will feels renewed anger at Hannibal. He fantasizes about killing him and gets to realize his fantasy with Mason’s help in E12. But at the last moment, Will changes his mind and chooses Hannibal. He does the same thing in E13 by calling him. When he sees him, he doesn’t even try to point a gun at him: he asks why he didn’t leave as he was supposed to, and he even leans forward to accept the knife, accept the punishment for betrayal.

So, Will chooses Hannibal over Abigail, for whom he wanted justice; over his and Margot’s child, for whom he wanted revenge; over Jack and Alana, who were his only semblance of friends; over his own confusion and desire to be normal. For someone as emotionally stunted as Will, it’s huge. It proves that he loves Hannibal and is willing to compromise all other relationships he has formed as well his own beliefs for him (while Will is dark, he tries to fight it because he doesn’t think people like them are normal). Is it romantic? Will’s dream with the word “beloved” and his sex fantasy, as well as his acceptance of the idea that he and Hannibal were Abigail’s fathers (which makes them partners) imply that yes, romantic feeling is a part of it.

Hannibal’s romantic feelings became explicit in S3, and so did Will’s. But since Hannibal is more open and self-accepting, his were discussed out loud while Will’s were mostly portrayed silently, implied, and alluded to.

Will builds a boat to sail and find Hannibal, which is pretty romantic by itself. He spends his time in Hannibal’s house, in the kitchen where their bloody break-up happened, imagining Abigail near him. When Alana comes to find him, he asks her to leave. He’s cold and indifferent toward her — she’s not what he wants, and he’s not interested in even friendship with her. All he wants is to mourn his lost family with Hannibal and Abigail. Again, Hannibal is Will’s priority.

Will imagines his perfect world as the one where he and Hannibal killed Jack together. This scene is intercut with his Mizumono memories, namely, with Hannibal's face that emerges every time he moves yet another part of the engine. This is a vivid demonstration of Will trying to repair what is now broken. When Jack asks him why he called him, Will is indifferent and genuine:

*Will: I wasn't decided when I called him. I just called him. I deliberated while the phone rang. I decided when I heard his voice … I told him to leave. I wanted him to run … Because he was my friend. And because I wanted to run away with him.*

That’s a big admission for Will. This is the first time he openly acknowledges Hannibal as his friend in front of another person. Chilton calls Will and Hannibal’s interactions a “flirtation” in this episode, which once again points us in the romantic direction.

The entire E2 of S3 is dedicated to Will’s love for Hannibal, where he argues about it with himself in the form of imaginary Abigail. This is another proof of Will’s problem with emotions in general and emotions for Hannibal in particular. He can’t just think to himself as normal people do — no, he can’t admit how much he loves Hannibal this. Instead, he imagines Abigail and talks to himself through her to make it easier. He berates himself for lying.

*Will/Abigail: We were all supposed to leave together. He made a place for us. Why did you lie to him? He gave you a chance to take it all back, and you just kept lying.*

Will is reverent about Hannibal; he keeps talking about him over and over again.

*Will: This isn't Hannibal, it's just where he begins. Beyond this, far and complex, light and dark, is the vast structure of his mind. A thousand rooms, miles of corridors. Everything he remembers, wonderfully and fearfully reconstructed.*

Will goes as far as lies at the place where Hannibal’s Valentine heart for him was, reconstructing this image and trying to feel close to him. The heart comes to life the moment Will touches it, which is romantic. Will says:

*Will: A valentine written on a broken man … I do feel closer to Hannibal here. God only knows where I would be without him … He left us his broken heart … He misses us.*

He looks on the verge of tears, so Hannibal’s gift touched him. Will is overcome by emotions. At this very moment, his more frightened side suggests that Hannibal is also playing with him.

*Will: Hannibal follows several trains of thought at once without distraction from any, and one of the trains is always for his own amusement.*

We know it’s not the case, especially here, but Will has trust issues and a low self-esteem. He’s worried that Hannibal’s feelings for him aren’t as strong as he thinks they are, which is why he’s not sure how to react himself. He asks himself, *“You still want to go with him?”* and replies, *“Yes.” He wonders about what life they’d have if they left.

*Will: What if no one died? What if we all left together? Like we were supposed to. After he served the lamb. Where would we have gone? … In some other world.*

Pazzi comes and tells Will that he hopes they’ll catch Hannibal together.

*Will: What makes you think I want to catch him?*

Later, Pazzi says:

*Pazzi: He let you know him. He sent you his heart.*

E2 ends with Will scaring Pazzi and telling him, *“You don’t know whose side I’m on.* Then he tells Hannibal he forgives him, which is also a huge step in his direction.

This entire episode proves that yes, Will loves Hannibal. Considering how he isn’t awkward from receiving a Valentine or hearing that Hannibal gave him his heart, Will shares the romantic aspect of Hannibal’s feelings for him. He regrets not running away with him and their daughter, he places himself on the floor where the heart was to feel closer to him — this is such a rich romantic subtext that it’s practically text. Especially for Will, who remains so conflicted and emotionally restrained all the time.

Will’s attitude changes after seeing Chiyoh. He becomes more bitter. Considering how dark he is in these scenes and how he constantly compares himself and Chiyoh, he likely sees her as someone Hannibal was supposed to love but easily abandoned. It makes Will draw the parallels between them, and he starts to doubt that Hannibal loves him, that his “broken heart” has any authentic meaning. That’s where he starts thinking about killing Hannibal again. He still says:

*Will: I’ve never known myself as well as I know myself when I’m with him.*

This line also speaks volumes. Hannibal gave Will a precious gift of understanding himself; he showed that he could accept him, and Will is drawn to it. Will admits the depth of their connection to yet another person. Then he makes a firefly from Chiyoh’s prisoner, a tribute that is clearly done with Hannibal in his mind, considering the style and the central topic.

Chiyoh sees right through Will’s emotional constipation. She implies that he should “kiss” Hannibal rather than keep being “violent”:

*Chiyoh: I told you, there are means of influence other than violence.*

She kisses Will then, thus showing him what others means exist. He doesn’t get it, though, since he responds to her kiss despite not feeling anything for her, and she pushes him off the train, likely admitting he’s a hopeless case.

Meeting Jack, Will tells him that a part of him will always want to leave with Hannibal. This is yet another declaration from him. Will isn’t scared of the consequences — he speaks of his feelings openly now. It’s a great development of his character.

But the feeling of doubt about Hannibal likely resurfaces further after Will sees that Hannibal replaced him and Abigail with Bedelia in E6 (hence his hatred for her since that moment). He mocks her alibi and then leaves to reunite with Hannibal. The following moment was deleted, but it still discloses some of Will’s romantic feelings:

*Will: I looked up at the night sky there. Orion above the horizon and, near it, Jupiter. I wondered if you could see it, too. I wondered if our stars were the same.*

From the words that did get into the episode:

*Will: You and I have begun to blur ... We're conjoined. Curious if either of us can survive separation.*

Will doesn’t just admit the bond between them, he elevates it the level of soulmates, implying they are one and the same. It’s also a declaration of love in his language. But love doesn’t stop Will from being vindictive, hurt, and angry, so after meetings with Chiyoh and Bedelia that affected his perception, he pulls out a knife as he and Hannibal are walking together.

There is a brain-sawing disaster after this and E7, where Will looks done and tired from the madness and his constant attempts to figure Hannibal out. He does bite Cordell before looking at Hannibal, seeking his approval; he uses “we” pronouns when speaking about Hannibal with Alana. One example:

*Will: You helped Mason Verger find us.*

So, he still sees himself and Hannibal as a team, but he’s still tired and bitter, so after everything is over, he hurts Hannibal by saying he doesn’t share his appetite and by attacking him emotionally.

*Will: I miss my dogs. I'm not going to miss you. I'm not going to find you. I'm not going to look for you. I don't want to know where you are or what you do. I don't want to think about you anymore.*

This is all personal and emotional. It sounds like a break-up, which is exactly how Bryan Fuller and others referred to it. When Hannibal leaves and Jacks arrives, Will puts on his glasses, an indication that he’s hiding again.

Fast-forward 3 years. Will is married now, but from the very start, we see that this marriage isn’t all people usually expect it to be. The first scene shows the family apart. Molly and Walter have gone fishing, which is something Will loves. He had dreams about teaching Abigail how to fish, but he doesn’t go to do that with his family, preferring to stay alone instead. It’s the first hint that his heart isn’t in this relationship, that he’s too hung up on the past to move forward and make new happy memories.

Jack came to drag him to Dragon’s case, and Will makes it look like he’s reluctant. At the same time, he doesn’t send Jack away, even though we know from the past that he has no qualms being frank when he wants to. More than that, he asks him not to show pics to Molly, but when they have dinner, Will deliberately leaves the house with Walter, leaving Jack and Molly together. At night, when Molly’s asleep, he crawls out of bed and goes to read Hannibal’s letter. He doesn’t tell the truth to Molly about himself and his dark urges, about everything he has done – Molly clearly has no idea who he truly is, considering how she jokes about his ‘criminal mind’ in later episodes and how Will immediately closes himself off from her. He never initiates physical touches with her; he doesn’t return her “I love you”, which is an even bigger indication of his lack of commitment. Will is emotionally stiff with Molly for the most part, and the only times he laughs with her or shows any emotion is when they are talking about superficial stuff in the former case and when he’s furious after Francis’ attack in the latter one. Other than that, there is no closeness or honesty.

Another point of Will’s inability to express or even give his love to someone is in his scene with Walter in E11. This child, his step-son, has just been attacked by a serial killer with his mother. His mother was hurt and they barely escaped. Will doesn’t hug him or offer him paternal emotional comfort; he’s very awkward. All he says is, “You're both safe here,” which is something an officer might say but not a father. Will was much more emotional in his fantasies about Abigail.

This is what Will says about Walter’s reaction to Jack:

*Will: He read about me in a Freddie Lounds article. I had to justify myself to an eleven year old.*

He’s resentful and not emotional. He doesn’t say, “I had to justify myself to my son!” – he distances himself from him. Will is cold. He has expressed his feelings for Hannibal at this point in rather poetic ways, but he can’t be bothered to do this for his wife and his son.

He treats Hannibal in a very reserved fashion too, in comparison to how he acted 3 years ago. However: first, there is the fact that he came to visit him in the first place. Will didn’t need his help, we saw very clearly how he managed to easily reconstruct the crime scene the night before. It proved that his mindset is in a good shape, so he didn’t need Hannibal’s assistance. But it’s Hannibal he requested to see right away.

Will distances himself from him by calling him “Doctor Lecter” and insisting that he’s more comfortable the less personal they are. His eyes glisten, though, and he can’t look away from Hannibal. The impersonal approach doesn’t last very long, too, and soon, they are talking like they always did. Hannibal accuses Will of marrying for false reasons.

*Hannibal: How did you choose yours? Readymade wife and child to serve your needs. A stepson or daughter. A stepson absolves you of any biological blame. You know better than to breed. Can't pass on those terrible traits you fear the most.*

Will doesn’t bother to deny it, though any man would have been offended, particularly if he truly loved his family. In Will’s case, from the experience and all the precedents, silence = agreement.

In E10, Will seeks Bedelia out. He acts catty and jealous, targeting her personal connection with Hannibal.

*Will: You didn't lose yourself, Bedelia, you just crawled so far up his ass you couldn't be bothered.* - personal, targeted against Bedelia's attachment to Hannibal.

*Will: You hitched your star to a man commonly known as a monster. You're the Bride of Frankenstein.* - personal, attack with romantic connotation. Bedelia catches up on it and mocks him:

*Bedelia: We've both been his bride. Have you been to see him?*

*Will: Yes.*

*Bedelia: Haven't learned anything, have you? Or did you just miss him that much?*

*Will: Have you been to see him?* - personal again. Will wants to know if Bedelia is keeping contact with Hannibal.

*Bedelia: I've seen enough of him. I was with him behind the veil. You were always on the other side.*

*Will: Something we should talk about.* - again, personal. It's all personal, which is why Bryan and Hugh called them Hannibal's jealous bitchy exes. Will is palpably jealous and he shows his resentment to Bedelia openly.

Later, we have some more romantic references.

*Bedelia: My relationship with Hannibal is not as passionate as yours. You are here visiting old flame. Is your wife aware of how intimately you and Hannibal know each other? … Your experience of Hannibal’s attention is so profoundly harmful yet so irresistible, it undermines your ability to think rationally.*

So, there is romantic text, parallels between Hannibal and Will’s wife, and Will doesn’t deny any of this again. He keeps coming to Bedelia because she’s the only person he can talk about Hannibal to without being watched.

After Hannibal sends Francis after Molly and Walter, Will spends about a minute being angry with him. Then he accuses Hannibal of staging a competition between him and Francis. It is startling: Will spent months, years mourning the loss of Abigail who he didn’t even really know personally, yet he forgets the gravity of what happened to his wife and won very quickly. He leaves Molly and Walter and tells Bedelia that they are finished. One traumatic event, and Will left. It coincides with something very important that happened here: after this, Will finally figures out Hannibal is truly in love with him. So he goes to Bedelia to discuss it with her.

*Will: Is Hannibal in love with me?*

*Bedelia: Could he daily feel a stab of hunger for you, and find nourishment at the very sight of you? Yes. But do you ache for him?*

Will is predictably silent. Obviously, if the answer was no, he would have said no. But he struggles because like we established, he has issues with expressing emotions. He only managed to start referring to Hannibal as his friend openly in this season, opening up about some of his feelings, but he’s not ready to go this far. It would be absolutely out of character for Will to say, “Yes, you know, I’m in love with him! Thanks for helping me see it.” Every confession Will makes is preceded by struggles and heartbreak. But he’s going to reply to Bedelia’s question, only not explicitly-verbally.

Will sets up Chilton and then comes to allegedly say good-bye to Hannibal. He lies several times in their conversation (about Chilton and Molly with Walter), so all his words are automatically suspicious. Regardless, he destroys Hannibal emotionally and walks away. Personally, I believe he was already planning to break him out, so he was playing it up for cameras and also taking a chance to hurt Hannibal for everything again. But whatever his plan was, what happens next is that Will conspires with Francis against Jack, Alana, and the FBI. They agree to break Hannibal out together. Will lies to Jack and then gets to ask Hannibal for help. He’s being flirty and manipulative in this scene.

*Will: I need you, Hannibal … You're our best shot, Hannibal. Please.*

He’s smirking, he leans close to Hannibal, he sends him a flirty look from under his eyelashes. Will is thoroughly enjoying himself, and he does it best when he has some excuse to hide behind.

Later, he lies to Jack and Alana again, leaks info to Francis (who nearly killed his wife and son), and gets many officers killed by proxy. He tells Bedelia the truth that he doesn’t “intend Hannibal to be caught a second time.” He also implies that he’s going to let him go free, which is why Bedelia should pack her bags.

*Bedelia: Can't live with him. Can't live without him. Is that what this is?*

This time, Will agrees, although in his way.

*Will: I guess this is my Becoming.*

For Will, Becoming was always connected to his feelings for Hannibal because accepting himself and his darkness meant being free to escape with Hannibal.

*Bedelia: You found religion. Nothing more dangerous than that.*

In E3, it was stated that love is a God (you can find more here https://www.reddit.com/r/HannibalTV/comments/7w54dg/lovegodreligion_s3_parallels/), so it’s possible to say that religion = love in this context. It certainly makes sense. Will is accepting himself and his emotions, and the trigger was establishing for sure that Hannibal is in love with him.

Will and Hannibal drive to the cliff house. When Hannibal asks Will if he intends to save himself by killing them both (Hannibal and Francis), Will replies:

*Will: I don't know if I can save myself. And maybe that's just fine.*

This is the first time he confesses that he might be incapable of killing Hannibal. Predictably, when Francis comes, Will can’t handle seeing Hannibal killed, so he reaches for his gun.

Will and Hannibal work as a unit and protect each other. Hannibal is shot, nearly strangled, thrown onto the ground, and he is still weakly holding on Francis' leg to prevent him from going after Will, even though it leaves him in an open and vulnerable position — Francis does kick him in the face with his other leg. There is fierce determination on Will's face as he stands up despite the pain and runs to save Hannibal. They act in synch, consummating their relationship.

Then, Will admires how blood looks on his hand and repeats Hannibal’s words:

*Will: It really does look black in the moonlight.*

He remembers the words Hannibal said to him weeks ago in one of their endless interactions. A bit earlier, he perfectly recalled the words Hannibal told him *years* ago, back in the middle of S2.

*Will: I understand that “blood and breath are only elements undergoing change to fuel your Radiance." Hannibal said those words. To me.*

So, Will remembers everything Hannibal told him. He stores these memories. It’s a small but still important proof how important Hannibal is for him.

At the cliff, Will finally accepts the truth.

*Hannibal: See. This is all I ever wanted for you, Will. For both of us.*

We know what Hannibal wanted: a Murder Husband. What does Will say to this?

*Will: It’s beautiful.*

This is a loud “yes” to Bedelia’s question about his feelings. Will acknowledges, accepts, and admires them. He doesn’t feel awkward, as he would if he knew Hannibal is in love with him but didn’t feel the same. No, he reaches forward to embrace him, and such physical contact from Will is mind-blowing because he almost never does it. He clings to Hannibal, puts his head on his shoulder, touches him as if he wants to melt with him. Then he gives the fate a chance to stop both of them or to set them free. They fall into the ocean under the Love Crime song, another romantic element.

Water symbolizes reborn, and post-credits scene indicates that Will and Hannibal have paid a visit to Bedelia and are in the process of eating her while she’s hiding the fork to stab one of them as he approaches. The deleted epilogue to the series shows that they are in perfect harmony now.

**Conclusion**: Will has passed through a long, painful journey. He went from hiding from emotions and deflecting to not denying and carefully acknowledging them. We don’t hear words “love” or “in love” from him in relation to Hannibal because Will is not that kind of person. He doesn’t use these words freely, and for him, every small emotional step is a struggle. He tried to deceive himself and other numerous times; he tied to deny the truth and manipulate his own mind, but with each season, his feelings for Hannibal became more and more explicit. Will reaching out for physical contact, Will saying “It’s beautiful” are his way of saying, “I ached for you. I love you.”

This is a story of mutual love and obsession, about soulmates, about unique type of connection that few people share. It’s not about Hannibal falling in love and Will not feeling the same. Their feelings are equally strong, but they express them differently, particularly as Will’s are tied to the acceptance of his own darkness.

[thefolioarchives]

Reading of 2021, Part VII

36. The Vanishing Half by Brit Bennett

I loved this book. It tells the story of the twins Desiree and Stella, as they grow up in the village of Mallard, a village comprising only of light-skinned black people. Desiree is keen to go out and see the world, and one day they both elope. A few years later, Desiree returns to her mother's house with a child in tow, but Stella is nowhere to be seen. She's disappeared and Desiree has no idea where she went. And that pretty much sets up the rest of the story. I thought the characters were all well-fleshed out and I enjoyed reading about all their lives. Desiree's daughter June and her life as a student in L.A, Stella's new life away from Mallard and her family, Desiree as she struggles to leave behind her own past of domestic abuse and find a new love. This is a book about sisterhood, but it's even more a book about family and family history. How it makes us who we are, shapes us and when unknown, leaves a longing and a need to seek out the truth, to flesh out the lies and piece together something larger.

37. Dune by Frank Herbert

This is one of those books I've wanted to read since properly getting into science fiction, and I'm kind of annoyed I didn't read it alongside some of my fantasy companions back when I was younger. I was definitely under the assumption that a book written in the 60s would be illegible to me, an assumption I really shouldn't have given credence to. Either way, I felt this was an epic fantasy story in many ways and I'm not convinced it needed a sci-fi setting (I don't know why I'm so obsessed with fitting things into their "rightful" category and I think it makes me sound like an arsehole, so I should probably stop).

In the end, it's a story about power. About men grabbing for more power and I guess at some point, that kind of narrative has lost its appeal to me as a reader. There is also an insane amount of talking going on. I feel like there is hardly any action, and instead you just have characters talking about events. More show and less tell, Herbert. I'm fascinated by the themes of ecology and addiction, but I feel like these themes are just given passing attention. How the Fremen are trying to make a more hospitable planet out of Dune and how slow the process of terraforming is. The theme of addiction runs throughout the entire narrative, and I get the sense that drugs are crucial to this world and economy, but it's still not explored in any significant detail, which is a true shame. Maybe there will be more exploration in the rest of the series, but I'm not up for finding out to be quite honest.

38. The Imago Sequence by Laird Barron

I love stories that blend themes of secret U.S government work with cosmic horror (one of the reasons I love the Tinfoil Dossier and Twin Peaks). This led me to seek out more cosmic horror (that isn't Lovecraft, though he still has considerable sway within the genre and I'm a little bit stumped at the amount of people who, uncritically, recommend him) which led me to Barron. This is a collection of short stories, all seeming to take place within the same universe, albeit with some different time discrepancies. The majority of the stories I really enjoyed (the titular story was incredible!) and Barron's mastery of his language and genre is evident on the page. I did find that I sometimes had to look up a lot of the words, which honestly got a bit tedious after a while, but considering the strength of some of these short stories, it's a small price to pay for Barron's talent. There's a liminal sense everywhere, of horrors just beyond reach, behind corners and through cracks - of things bleeding through from somewhere cold and distant, of things lying in wait and slowly recruiting bodies and souls for its "project". That sense of unease is what I'm left with, at the end of reading The Imago Sequence, and it's a powerful tool to keep the suspense going. I'm keen to read more of his novels and other short stories, as I think he's created a horrific universe with a terrifying set of "villains".

[dark-imagine-robots]

Reveritale

((HERE IS THE 900 FOLLOWER CELEBRATION POST!!! In appreciation of so many of you guys following me and sticking around, here is a full/complete story/premise of my new Undertale au! This au also has the role switches based on spinswap, but the story itself and character developments were carefully put together by me and with help of a friend with some parts of it.))

((Questions are welcome, and things will get complicated in certain parts, or a little confusing if you don't read my Fun TOTC Facts posts.))

((This au is also one of the aus that will be involved in the TOTC Epilogue/Undertale Story as well since a character from the au will be extremely important to the plot of the story.))

                There isn't that many alternate Papyruses out there, is there?

                                          Maybe...that will change....

                                          Rendering, one moment.... 

        Ah, Reverie Papyrus... His full name being Gaioharmr, or Imago for short. Imago is no ordinary skeleton, nor is he a monster skeleton of the Undertale underground... he is a Skeleton Demon, a Overworld Skeleton Demon to be more precise. But he is a corrupted Skeleton Demons, a disfigured soul. As the more Bilhelm walks the Undertale multi-verse, the more his imprint infects the multi-verse. All though the multi-verse is not strong enough to replicate Bilhelm himself, oh, it will settle for the easier bits... his species... Skeleton Demons....

                                            The more Bilhelm stays, 

             the more the multi-verse will fully be connected and linked to 

                                                    The Unknown...

                  The story begins with a wandering, young skeleton demon. 

    This young skelly sprout was once told never to wander too far into the forest on the outskirts of his home, as there is a cavern that leads into the roots of the mysterious mountain known as Mt. Ebott. Which not even the humans dare wander to in there surface, as the tales go all the same, one would disappear within the territory of the mountain... 

    Much to everyone's dismay, and the adventurous soul of this skelly sprout, this warning and the tales slipped from his mind as he explored to his soul's content.

                   He ran, without a care in the world, then... he fell down...

    To no one's surprise, the skelly sprout lives, or in other words, survived the fall. All skeleton Demons have the most durable bones with no one other to compare. However, the real surprise here was that he landed on a bed of golden flowers... in a place deeper than his own home.... a place where others lived... a society of monsters... the very monsters that were said to have been casted away by the humans a century ago... oh... but the real REAL surprise here is that someone was near that has seen the fallen skelly sprout.

   Was this... another skeleton demon? No... their soul was unfamiliar and different. Different from those who were back home... What could be gathered was that this other young skeleton means no harm... Another skeleton who may have been roughly the same or a year older than the skelly sprout.

    One thing was certainly however, this other skeleton means no harm... as he helped the skelly sprout up from the soft bed of flowers, he would ask the skelly sprout...

                                           "Where did you come from??

     The skelly sprout did not answer... his home... is what he would have said. But for some reason... those words did not form, he didn't know why... So, the skeleton asked another question...

        "What is your name? If you don't mind me asking that question!! Sorry if asking you a skele-ton of questions isn't helping you since you fell and all..."

    The skelly sprout giggles weakly at the pun, but manages to muster a answer for the other skeleton...

                                                 "My name is Imago..."

     "That's a pretty cool name!!! My name is Sans! My moms would freak out if they saw you!! We never had anyone fall down here. Welcome to the Underground!!!"

     Despite everything, despite being far from home... never to return... this other skeleton seemed to be the only presence of home. The skelly sprout never had close friends, nor did he have any siblings... So it felt nice for someone around his age range to actually help him and be so friendly to him.

    It did not take long until the skelly sprout was taken into the other Skeletons home. The castle of the Queens of the Underground. To no prevail, the queens were indeed shocked to their cores to see their young prince bring in another skeleton. There were no other Skeletons that existed in the Underground except the prince and his biological father, who was the lead royal scientist and San's caretaker. At first, they did not believe the prince that this skelly sprout fallen from above. They thought that maybe there were other Skeleton monsters out there that they overlooked, and this monster tried to climb out from the Underground, and failed. 

    Seeing as the skelly sprout was indeed agreeing with the prince that what he was saying was true, Queen Undyne did not believe them and was getting rather frustrated. She assumed that this other skeleton was just another monster who was playing a trick on her son. Queen Alphys however, did not dismiss her son. She thought it was possible, so she called in Gaster to check the skelly sprout's soul to prove this dispute.

    Dumbfounded, the queens and Gaster did not expect such a soul. As Imgo's soul was not white, nor was it upside-down. It was right-side up with yellow and orange as his colors. The strange thing here is that his soul did not pump, as if it were not alive. This proves the dispute clearly, this skeleton is no monster. 

    Oh... but that did not change the queens perception of the skelly sprout, as he was still a child... a very young child who was far, far away from home. There being no hope on the skelly sprout's return to his home. The skelly was reluctant at first, he did not want to wear what the queens wanted him to wear to show he has any relation to the family. But the queens respected the skelly sprout's delicious on this, as his own clothing was the only thing that came from his own home, along with the fact that if they are going to take him in, they must treat him as a son rather than property. It was only fair to let him wear what he wants and keep anything that reminds him of home. 

    Imago even let them call him by another name, as a thank you. They usually call him Papyrus, only using his real name in the more serious situations. 

    All in all, Imago was a part of the royal family of the Underground, now being the queens' second son and prince's brother. Unfortunately... Gaster has a difference perception of the skelly sprout, as he say him as something to study, research, experiment on. The skelly sprout did not like Gaster, with all his being, he did not like him one bit. When the queens noticed what Gaster was trying to do to Imago, Alphys ordered Gaster to cease his profession procedures as a scientist when in the presence of the skelly sprout, only act in the procedures as a caretaker when around the skelly sprout. 

    Once the two Skeletons began to grow slightly older, their magic became more apparent. All monsters have magic. Since Sans was made by Gaster, his magic was rather strong on its own with little effort.... however... Imago's magic was... different... it may have been stronger than any other monster's, even the prince's. As his magic did not stay in one category of magic,  it was very interchangeable since Skeleton Demon magic is diverse, perfect/signature Skeleton Demon magic for the individual skeleton demon can only be discovered if they kept using their magic to find that perfecter/signature category to use most. Yet... due to Imago not having any other skeleton demon help properly teach, practice, and discover his magics, Imago simply went on to use whatever magic that he may muster to see what the outcomes and results occur himself. All the monsters, the queens, and sans were astonished and in joy of what Imago can do. Never did it ever cross their minds that his magic variety would pose as a threat, that is... until Gaster saw this as both an opportunity and a threat.

     Gaster brought up the perspective that Imago's magic could potentially be dangerous to the royal family and the Underground. The queens were not entirely convinced, especially Undyne, as she found that her son's magic to have more benefits to the kingdom than anything. It took a long royal conference to finally convince her, but she finally allowed Gaster to make something that would essentially lower Imgo's magic and "protect" the Underground.

    As expected, Imago and Sans were not happy with this decision. Without any delay, Gaster took Imago away and into the lab. It was only a matter of weeks until Gaster finally make the "solution to the problem"... gloves... but these gloves were made with fabric material that came far from the Underground... fabric that eases magic to be weaker than the original state of the wearer's magic. To make sure Imago could not take them off, he enforced gold cuffs to his wrists and the gloves, rendering it impossible to simply take off the gloves. Imago was devastated... like something that was a part of him was painfully ripped away from him. From here, Imago's hatred grew more towards Gaster.

    To little to no prevail, Sans was thrilled to see Imago come back after such period of time. Upon seeing the gloves and Imago's emotions however, Sans knew that his magic was no longer able to be in easily accessible use. Along with the fact that having your own magic taken from you is among the worse things that can happen to anyone in the Underground. Sans had empathy, he felt hurt from his brother's loss and pain. But... that did not stop Sans from figuring out a way to make his own brother happy during this time of need. Even though Imago could not use most of his magic, he knew there was some magic he could still use, that being his very whimsical leaps that can send him flying high and down with grace. So, the prince took it upon himself to kind the best shoes in the kingdom, and once he did, he gifted them to Imago. This gift meant the world to Imago, not only do they feel comfortable for landings, but they were from his most beloved and trusted person, his brother. He cherished them with all his soul, and from that day would always do so.

    Oh... When it all seemed calm and peaceful... Something came up... it was all sudden...

   Gaster had the idea, a train of thought, that since his creation, his son, had more apparent magic it was finally time to put that magic to the test. He wanted to see what his creation was capable of, push him to his limits. He took sans from the castle for the day, the queens didn't have to allow it since Sans is his biological father, so Imago didn't know where his brother had gone for the day.

   Sans was painstakingly pushed on and on to use his magic, pushed to use all of his magic to see the power of it all. He was powerful, but not powerful enough... he was pushed beyond his limit to finally show the power his father was looking for.... but... it took so much out of his the prince's soul...so much that it made the prince fall ill afterwards. 

    It was easy to lie to the queens, his excuse being that Sans was already sick and that's why he took him to his lab early that same day. Imago... Imago instinctively knew Gaster was lying. ALL Skeleton Demons can see through all souls, and Gaster's soul was rotten... he was lying... he did this to his brother. 

    Oh, how Imago's hatred grew more and more and more and more and more....

     It was then when Imago decided to sneak out into the lab, his hatred grew into destructive behavior as he bashed and destroyed the lab machinery and equipment with his bare bones. That us until he found something... books.... these books didn't seem to be from the Underground however... they were different... The way they were crafter, so perfectly, the writing was more professional than any other writer of the Underground. A book on Skeleton Demons, they're myths histories, and inner workings. With the book was also research from Gaster, confirming how Imago was a Skeleton Demon and what he gathered from him all these years. Upon reading he book and the research... Imago finds our on his own that he could have been able to save his own brother, cure him of his sickness. Oh how he wanted those gloves off now, he wanted them off, but... he couldn't get them off... he just cries into them in defeat. But that hatred... His Hatred... it grew monstrous... his instincts were to kill Gaster...

    The next day... it was the royal feasting. A gathering of the kingdom where everyone eats together in a harmonious celebration. Imago was not hungry however.... he had his sights on another game... The queens, Imago, gaster, and the royal gaurds were sat at their own table that faced the other tables that the kingdom's people sat upon. After a speech from the queens, and when everyone is settled with their own pick of drinks and food, Imago waited. Gaster only got a single cup of tea... when Gaster left his tea unattended for a moment, Imago took the opportunity to taint the tea with poison. After a few minutes of Gaster's first sip of the tea, the poison eventually kicked in, killing Gaster slowly and painfully. Alphys tried room come to Gaster's aid, but he dies anyway... as she did not know what was wrong until he finally dies and dusts. Imago watched it all, not in horror, but in terrifying and twisted satisfactory and joy. No one noticed Imago reacting this way.

    Queen Undyne was furious, this was no accident. It was murder, a assassination to her... everyone in the castle were frightened, but also outraged from this incident. They all knew... they knew that upon killing the head royal scientist, the prince would die... as Gaster was the only one that knew how to cure his own creation... This realization then came to Imago. He didn't want to accept this... but it eventually sunk in when he realized his brother isn't getting better... after months of still being ill... the prince was only getting worse... he was dying... slowly.

                           The Final Day... Their Final Day... His Final Day...

    Imago, being a Skeleton Demon, knew that his brother wasn't going to make it... Skeleton Demons knew when souls were going to die... Imago knew that today was going to be the day that his brother will be the taking his final breaths... It was only a matter of time. But... Imago could not bare the loss of his brother, not now, not today, not the next, and... not ever. Since Imago was not raised long enough in his own home, he would have been more accepting that his brother was soon passing away... but having been raised in a home that was not his own.... Death was not accepted... He didn't want his brother to go... and he was ready to risk his life in keeping him alive... 

   But having he guilt that he killed Gaster, and it being his fault that he killed the only person that could have helped his brother in the first place... it weighed him down. He did not regret killing gaster, but indirectly killing his brother is what ate him up from the inside out... it was his fault that Sans didn't get better... while he plans to save his brother, he also plans to justify himself...

    Imago picked up his dying brother from his bed, and began making his way out of the castle. The queens were at the lab, desperately trying to help assist on creating a cure for their son. So they would not be able to witness nor stop what was going to happen next...

   Once those castle doors opened, revealing only the skeleton demon holding his brother in his arms at the top steps into the castle, it caught the attention of every monster of the kingdom....

                                            It was that Imago wanted...

                               Then... he opened his jaws, and confessed.

                  "I Killed W. D. Gaster. I poisoned the royal lead scientist, our caretaker... I am the reason why your prince will not be able to live tomorrow... I am the reason         why he is not healthy and well today... Do as you must, as all of you are the                                       only ones to put my actions to judgement..."

    Everyone of the kingdom... we're outraged... they were all filled with hatred for Imago.... he did this, he did that...... it was all his fault.... he is not monster... he is an abomination from hell... a demon from the heavens.... a demon of death....

    Imago accepted all the insults and words, as he began to walk down those steps and into the raging, violent crowd. He didn't care what he did to him, as long as they let him walk to his location, and let him carry his dying brother in his arms. 

    As he walked, he simply looks down at his brother has he walked into the crowd, which the crowd was now brutally beating Imago as he continued to walk and watch as his resting brother gave raspy breaths. One of these brutal blows ended up damaging and knocking Imago's head back away from the sight of his brother. He was a deep claw slash to the skull... his blood.... he bled sunflowers and Goldflowers...despite letting them all reduce imago to low health....he could not die....but his soul slowly shatters....... his head straightens up and back to his brother... Imago could no longer see his brother, but he could still feel that he was still holding him... as long as he hasn't dusted yet... until he gets to the final location... everything will be just fine.... just perfect... he had been in the Underground long enough to remember where the location was without having to see... he knew he was still going the right way...

    They Reached it... they finally reached it... the crowd was gone... it was only Him and his brother.... the flowerbed... the same flowerbed where they first met... the flowerbed where the sky of the surface can peak through....

    Imago gracefully fell to his knees with Sans in his arms... it was finally time... this was it... 

    Sans slowly and weakly opened his eyes, to see the sky that peaked through e Underground, the flowers.... and then up to his brother... Imago couldn't see it, but sans smiled at Imago before he began to turn to dust. Imago can feel the Sans begin to dust... his gloved hands began to tremble and his sockets produced tears... he doesn't want him to go.... no... his fingertips..his claws... now that he was older... his claws were sharp enough to tear open the tips of the glove... so, he gripped what was sans tightly enough that it tore the gloves... then Imago gave it his all into using his magic to save his brother... it almost seemed too late... as sans complete dusted and Imago could no longer feel his brother in his arms. But... he sensed that his soul was still there, it was working... he kept using his magic, but the strain... the strain on his own soul that was shattering... it was going to give in... so Imago gave it his all to make sure his brother's soul did not dust...

    Upon doing so... Sans' soul remained to be alive... but Imago's soul bursted... his body, his bones... became a lifeless shell...inanimate... 

    Soon after that, the queens and the new lead scientist found Imago after what they have heard... despite what Imago has done, he was still their son... however, the queens did not notice Sans' soul... the lead scientist takes it before it could be discovered... 

                                   The Queens lost two children that day... 

    They would have prepared two different types of funerals, but they only could                                                            prepare one...  

                                        as Imago's remains disappeared...

                  They assumed he dusted too... but that is far from the truth...

((REBLOGS ARE MUCH APPRECIATED, PLEASE, THANKS!!! I LITERALLY FINISHED THIS AT 1 AM, GUYS.))

[dillydedalus]

january reading

why does january always feel like it’s 3 months long. anyway here’s what i read in january, feat. poison experts with ocd, ants in your brain, old bolsheviks getting purged, and mountweazels. 

city of lies, sam hawke (poison wars #1) this is a perfectly nice fantasy novel about jovan, who serves as essentially a secret guard against poisoning for his city state’s heir and is forced to step up when his uncle (also a secret poison guard) and the ruler are both killed by an unknown poison AND also the city is suddenly under a very creepy siege (are these events related? who knows!) this is all very fine & entertaining & there are some fun ideas, but also... the main character has ocd and SAME HAT SAME HAT. also like the idea of having a very important, secret and potentially fatal job that requires you to painstakingly test everything the ruler/heir is consuming WHILE HAVING OCD is like... such a deliciously sadistic concept. amazing. 3/5

my heart hemmed in, marie ndiaye (translated from french by jordan stump) a strange horror-ish tale in which two married teachers, bastions of upper-middle-class respectability and taste, suddenly find themselves utterly despised by everyone around them, escalating until the husband is seriously injured. through several very unexpected twists, it becomes clear that the couple’s own contempt for anyone not fitting into their world and especially nadia’s hostility and shame about her (implied to be northern african) ancestry is the reason for their pariah status. disturbing, surprising, FUCKED UP IF TRUE (looking back, i no longer really know what i mean by that). 4/5

xenogenesis trilogy (dawn/adulthood rites/imago), octavia e. butler octavia butler is incapable of writing anything uninteresting and while i don’t always completely vibe with her stuff, it’s always fascinating & thought-provoking. this series combines some of her favourite topics (genetic manipulation, alien/human reproduction, what is humanity) into a tale of an alien species, the oankali, saving some human survivors from the apocalypse and beginning a gene-trading project with them, integrating them into their reproductive system and creating mixed/’construct’ generations with traits from both species. and like, to me, this was uncomfortably into the biology = destiny thing & didn’t really question the oankali assertion that humans were genetically doomed to hierarchical behaviour & aggression (& also weirdly straight for a book about an alien species with 3 genders that engages in 5-partner-reproduction with humans), so that angle fell flat for me for the most part, altho i suppose i do agree that embracing change, even change that comes at a cost, is better than clinging to an unsustainable (& potentially destructive) purity. where i think the series is most interesting is in its exploration of consent and in how far consent is possible in extremely one-sided power dynamics (curiously, while the oankali condemn and seem to lack the human drive for hierarchy, they find it very easy to abuse their position of power & violate boundaries & never question the morality of this. in this, the first book, focusing on a human survivor first encountering the oankali and learning of their project, is the most interesting, as lilith as a human most explicitly struggles with her position - would her consent be meaningful? can she even consent when there is a kind of biochemical dependence between humans and their alien mates? the other two books, told from the perspectives of lilith’s constructed/mixed children, continue discussing themes of consent, autonomy and power dynamics, but i found them less interesting the further they moved from human perspectives. on the whole: 2.5/5

love & other thought experiments, sophie ward man, we love a pierre menard reference. anyway. this is a novel in stories, each based (loosely) on a thought experiment, about (loosely) a lesbian couple and their son arthur, illness and grief, parenthood, love, consciousness and perception, alternative universes, and having an ant in your brain. it is thoroughly delightful & clever, but goes for warmth and humanity (or ant-ity) over intellectual games (surprising given that it is all about thought experiments - but while they are a nice structuring device i don’t think they add all that much). i haven’t entirely worked out my feelings about the ending and it’s hard to discuss anyway given the twists and turns this takes, but it's a whole lot of fun. 4/5

a general theory of oblivion, josé eduardo agualusa (tr. from portuguese by daniel hahn) interesting little novel(la) set in angola during and after the struggle for independence, in which a portuguese woman, ludo, with extreme agoraphobia walls herself into her apartment to avoid the violence and chaos (but also just... bc she has agoraphobia) with a involving a bunch of much more active characters and how they are connected to her to various degrees. i didn’t like the sideplot quite as much as ludo’s isolation in her walled-in flat with her dog, catching pigeons on the balcony and writing on the walls. 3/5

cassandra at the wedding, dorothy baker phd student cassandra returns home attend (sabotage) her twin sister judith’s wedding to a young doctor whose name she refuses to remember, believing that her sister secretly wants out. cass is a mess, and as a shift to judith’s perspective reveals, definitely wrong about what judith wants and maybe a little delusional, but also a ridiculously compelling narrator, the brilliant but troubled contrast to judith’s safer conventionality. on the whole, cassandra’s narrative voice is the strongest feature of a book i otherwise found a bit slow & a bit heavy on the quirky family. fav line is when cass, post-character-development, plans to “take a quick look at [her] dumb thesis and see if it might lead to something less smooth and more revolting, or at least satisfying more than the requirements of the University”. 3/5

the office of historical corrections, danielle evans a very solid collection of realist short stories (+ the titular novella), mainly dealing with racism, (black) womanhood, relationships between women, and anticolonial/antiracist historiography. while i thought all the stories were well-done and none stood out as weak or an unnecessary inclusion, there also weren’t any that really stood out to me. 3/5

sonnenfinsternis, arthur koestler (english title: darkness at noon) (audio) you know what’s cool about this book? when i added it to my goodreads tbr in 2012, i would have had to read it in translation as the german original was lost during koestler’s escape from the nazis, but since then, the original has been rediscovered and republished. yet another proof that leaving books on your tbr for ages is a good thing actually. anyway. this is a story about the stalinist purges, told thru old bolshevik rubashov, who, after serving the Party loyally for years & doing his fair share of selling people out for the Party, is arrested for ~oppositional activities. in jail and during his interrogations, rubashov reflects on the course the Party has taken and his own part (and guilt) in that, and the way totalitarianism has eaten up and poisoned even the most commendable ideals the Party once held (and still holds?), the course of history and at what point the end no longer justifies the means. it’s brilliant, rubashov is brilliant and despicable, i’m very happy it was rediscovered. 5/5

heads of the colored people, nafissa thompson-spires another really solid short story collection, also focused on the experiences of black people in america (particularly the black upper-middle class), black womanhood and black relationships, altho with a somewhat more satirical tone than danielle evans’s collection. standouts for me were the story in letters between the mothers of the only black girls at a private school, a story about a family of fruitarians, and a story about a girl who fetishises her disabled boyfriend(s). 3.5/5

pedro páramo, juan rulfo (gernan transl. by dagmar ploetz) mexican classic about a rich and abusive landowner (the titular pedro paramo) and the ghost town he leaves behind - quite literally, as, when his son tries to find his father, the town is full of people, quite ready to talk shit about pedro, but they are all dead. it’s an interesting setting with occasionally vivid writing, but the skips in time and character were kind of confusing and i lost my place a lot. i’d be interested in reading rulfo’s other major work, el llano en llamas. 2.5/5

verse für zeitgenossen, mascha kaléko short collection of the poems kaléko, a jewish german poet, wrote while in exile in the united states in the 30-40s, as well as some poems written after the end of ww2. kaléko’s voice is witty, but at turns also melancholy or satirical. as expected i preferred the pieces that directly addressed the experience of exile (”sozusagen ein mailied” is one of my favourite exillyrik pieces). 3/5

the harpy, megan hunter yeah this was boooooooring. the cover is really cool & the premise sounded intriguing (women gets cheated on, makes deal with husband that she is allowed to hurt him three times in revenge, women is also obsessed with harpies: female revenge & female monsters is my jam) but it’s literally so dull & trying so hard to be deep. 1.5/5

the liar’s dictionary, eley williams this is such a delightful book, from the design (those marbled endpapers? yes) to the preface (all about what a dictionary is/could be), to the chapter headings (A-Z words, mostly relating to lies, dishonesty, etc in some way or another, containing at least one fictitious entry), to the dual plots (intern at new edition of a dictionary in contemporary england checking the incomplete old dictionary for mountweazels vs 1899 london with the guy putting the mountweazels in), to williams’s clear joy about words and playing with them. there were so many lines that made me think about how to translate them, which is always a fun exercise. 3.5/5

catherine the great & the small, olja knežević (tr. from montenegrin by ellen elias-bursać, paula gordon) coming-of-age-ish novel about katarina from montenegro, who grows up in  titograd/podgorica and belgrad in the 70s/80s, eventually moving to london as an adult. to be honest while there are some interesting aspects in how this portrays yugoslavia and conflicts between the different parts of yugoslavia, i mostly found this a pretty sloggy slog of misery without much to emotionally connect to, which is sad bc i was p excited for it :(. 2/5

the decameron project: 29 new stories from the pandemic, anthology a collection of short stories written during covid lockdown (and mostly about covid/lockdown in some way). they got a bunch of cool authors, including margaret atwood, edwidge danticat, rachel kushner ... it’s an interesting project and the stories are mostly pretty good, but there wasn’t one that really stood out to me as amazing. i also kinda wish more of the stories had diverged more from covid/lockdown thematically bc it got a lil repetitive tbh. 2/5

[seancerpg-archived]

THE DOCTOR

Name: UTP

Age: 45 - 50

Pronouns: He/him

FC: Richard Armitage

BIOGRAPHY

tw - drugs, bodysnatching, medical experimentation

Prestige was something assigned at birth - and from the moment he took his first breath, his whole future was meticulously planned out by his esteemed father ; a surgeon. His mother had very little influence on what the old man had envisioned for the babe, but to be quite frank, she hardly protested enough to be deemed as “taking an effort” to liberate her child from the father’s iron clutches. Choice had, at least in his household, always been something that the low, weakly commoners boasted about - and look where their precious choices led them ; to the depths of the gutter. With that mindset constantly drilled into him, the young boy turned out better than one might expect, but still boasting a largely inflated ego and a sense of self worth which put even his father’s magnificence to shame - and his father revelled in it, revelled in chiselling a spit perfect image of himself ; imago dei, one might say - but in his family’s household, the devil and the god often came to be one and the same. 

Finishing medical education, he had two choices - to become a surgeon, like his father, or to become a doctor and branch out in as many fields of medicine as he could. For the first time in his life, he had a choice, something only he could make - and to his father’s eternal disappointment, he chose wrongly. The act of so called rebellion did not sit well with the old man, so much that he nearly disowned his own son - the only thing which coaxed his father to change his mind about it was the fact that disowning him would’ve been both a pain in the neck and a sensational scandal to which all of London would marvel and laugh over. Still, it prompted the young doctor to sever all ties with his father and open his own office, choosing to admit anyone who needed his help. But, old, integrated behavioral patterns die very, very hard and soon, with each life he’s saved, his sense of might and power inflated tenfold ; and where power reigns, ruination follows. It wasn’t too long afterwards, some five years after he opened up his own practice, that bad things started to happen - it came with a god complex, the same kind which danced between divinity and monstrosity ; and it ended with death, instead of life.

He should have known better, but he was foolish and drunk off his own sense of might - and the patient died, the doctor’s slight mistake proving fatal. From that day onward, he fell headfirst into opiates and all sorts of unsavory means to cope with the mistake which still refuses to leave him, creeping into his dreams when he least expects. At that time, he started dealing with narcotics, providing many lost souls with means to dull down the ache of life, the ache on unjust and cruel living - and the more he dealt with it, the more he forced himself to forget what his practice stood for ; to save and not to destroy. With narcotics came ideas, and such glorious, monstrous ideas they were - experiments, mind games, all in the name of science and, if he dares to admit it, fame - no, perhaps not fame ; divinity. Once again he starts to feel more like a god, more like his past self, like his detestable father… but, once again, the line between a god and a demon mixes and blurs, and it’s getting harder and harder for him to discern what side he’s truly on.

THE GHOST

It is delighted by the doctor - absolutely, utterly thrilled. There’s an evident darkness in the man’s soul, a darkness which the spirit seems more than inclined to exploit. It feeds off the doctor’s negative energy, feeds off all those delicious regrets, despairs and resentments - and sometimes, it thinks it might even explode from satisfaction. Dark eyes that resemble the abyss of the moonless night follow doctor’s every move, often sitting on his bed when he sleeps, feeding off the nightmares that it’s presence induces. It simply can’t stop - the fear and negativity the doctor feels is simply too delicious to pass up ; and it’s not like the doctor did not deserve to be haunted.

CONNECTIONS

THE PEELER: He’s the first person to come to the scene of the crime and the last to leave - which means he’s also the person with whom the doctor has most contact. There’s a part of him that rather admires the young man - the sheer willpower he possesses. It’s uncommon for someone like the peeler to come face to face with such grisly horrors and not use any opiates to calm his nerves. He wonders if he’ll cave in, come to him for a dose or two of morphine  - and with something akin to an expecting smirk, the doctor waits for the peeler to become his next patient. 

THE GRAVE DIGGER: He’s the regular customer, the regular patient. The two of them had known each other for years now and, if he were ever honest, the doctor would have to admit that it’s largely his fault that the robber is in the state he is - addicted to the calming concoctions the doctor prescribes, to help him focus him mind and ignore the rot that surrounds his line of work. There’s a more nefarious purpose to their acquaintanceship, though - The Doctor needs test subjects, cadavers with which to explore and experiment, and The Grave Digger can provide them. 

THE UNDERTAKER: They are his closest contact after performing an autopsy on the deceased. The stench of death follows them around like a plague, but he’s long used to the odour. If he could call it that way, he’d say that they are his friend - perhaps the only friend in this wide, wicked world. He often visits them after work, stopping by for a glass or two, cold eyes watching as they prepare and beautify death into something that resembles life - and he loves the irony of it, of death and life intertwined. 

THE MADAME: She’s an absolute beauty, even with the eyepatch - and there is something that resembles living fire in her remaining eye. She’s fierce and, dare he admit, intimidating, and he rather enjoys her company. While she isn’t addicted to any of his offerings, she does occasionally indulge in an opium laced cigarette - but never alone, never unless he smokes with her. The amount of distrust she has in him is both amusing and slightly offensive - while he can’t be seen as a warm or a particularly good person, he wishes her no harm.

THE DOCTOR IS OPEN FOR APPLICATIONS

[icecreamisbetterwithafork]

Hello friends!

I am super excited to share with you my new single "Letting Go"

(It will be available across all platforms for streaming and downloading on Friday, Jan 24th, 2020 at 12am EST/ Thursday, Jan 23rd, 2020 at 9pm.)

Until then, I invite you to enjoy this music video I made with my dear friend Ryan West, in my hometown of Encinitas, CA. Shot on a super 8 (real) film camera! I had a vision, Ryan was a yes, and the rest is history. He and his team made the making of this video so fun and effortless, and now I am so stoked to finally get to share it with you all! These days i'm learning to trust my gut, and follow it... things I wish I would have done, and fought more for when I was on a label. I felt strongly that having a visual would bring this song to life...I think it worked.

I know its been a minute...more like 6, 7 years... I've never been one to churn out songs for the sake of staying in the game, or whatever you want to call it. I try not to force myself to write anything, I tried that once and it was a disaster. All the songs that have ever ended up on my albums: good, bad, fan favorites, hits or not, have always come from the heart, they feel right. Like they belong. It's always been my experience, that songs come when they want. Sometimes it's many in a row, sometimes there is a dry season. For me it's merely being in alignment, and if I am lucky enough to capture a phrase, a moment, a feeling and let it move through me, out of my head and into song... well, that's the magic of what drew me to becoming an artist in the first place.

I honestly didn't anticipate taking such a long break, and if i'm being honest, I even caught myself falling out of love with music a couple times. I started exploring some other interests, I got super into health and wellness and plant based eating. I went back to school to become a health coach, and I even coached a bunch of clients while I was at it, which was super fun and a nice change of scenery. I took up snowboarding, something I always wanted to learn, but never did when I was actively on tour, terrified I would injure my hands. And then one day last year, in between two snowboarding trips, I was in LA for one day, and I called up my friend Steven Solomon​ to see if he was around and wanted to write. He was free, I went to his house, and this song just came out..literally out of nowhere. I cried my way through the entire thing, tissue box after tissue box. I knew at the end of it, we had written something very special.

When I put out Back To Home (2014), I had just gotten married. I literally got married (August 2014), went on my honeymoon (September 2014), came home, relocated to LA for 2 months to record (Sept/Oct 2014), put out a new EP (October 2014) and went on tour (Nov/Dec 2014). Then I came home for the holidays and found out I was pregnant. Kylo was born August of 2015, and by 2017 Kylo's dad and I decided we were going to separate. Our relationship was a whirlwind: we met, 8 months later engaged, 8 months later got married and 4 months later found out we were having a baby. It was a lot, in a short amount of time, in my experience we just were still getting to know each other, and figure out our relationship, and there was just too much, too soon, too fast. I found myself unable to handle it all. I do not regret any of it, it has all led me to right here, right now. It led me to becoming a mother. Honestly, it has led me to a better, more honest, authentic, version of myself. I know by now, when the shit hits the fan, there is a tremendous opportunity for growth and healing. I assumed when Kylo was born, i'd be back on tour within 6 months, writing songs, putting out albums..and boy was I wrong. I don't even know how to describe but I just feel like I lost myself. And eventually I knew this relationship I was in, I could no longer be in, even though the person I was in it with, was and still is one of the most amazing humans ever. It's a very conflicting feeling, when you know you can no longer stay in something, with someone, but also that nothing necessarily bad happened. What's that saying? Two people can be great, but not so great together. Our relationship works much better in the current dynamic: co-parenting and friends. I am proud of us for the many hours, nearly a year, of therapy we did to process the undoing of our relationship (Shout out to IMAGO therapy). I feel so lucky I had a partner who was willing, and brave enough to do the work with me, to identity our woundings and where we needed healing, I am forever grateful that we could split peacefully and really with the intention of putting our own shit aside and doing whatever was best for our son. I don't take for granted the fact that we can still be friends and look out for one another, we will always be a family. I know this sort of thing is rare, and I know it isn't possible for everyone, but I wanted to share because it was possible for us, which means it is possible. It is so against everything we are taught, but you can end a relationship respectfully, out of love, with compassion and kindness for one another.

After the divorce, I took a lot of time for myself. I started going to yoga regularly, surfing more often, meditating every day, drinking less, simplifying, spending more time outside, in nature, with Kylo... I slowly came back to myself, my center and I started to find music again. I knew I would write a song about everything that had happened, but I didn't know when or how. It's not like someone cheated or lied, or there was some massive fight. I started experimenting with new sounds, different vibes, but it always felt like I was avoiding the elephant in the room. Then that day came, mid Feb 2019. Letting Go was born, and it puts into words everything I didn't know how to say. This is a song about love, honesty, trusting yourself, and honoring all the precious moments with the ones we love.

I hope you find some peace in it, some closure, some hope, I hope you can feel the love. Thank you for listening, it means a lot.

xo TP

[theopoliticus]

Welcome to the Intersection: Where We’ve Come From and Where We’re Going

(via Welcome to the Intersection: Where We've Come From and Where We're Going)

Any religion that professes to be concerned about the souls of men and is not concerned about the slums that cripple the soul, the economic conditions that stagnate the soul, and the city governments that may damn the soul is a dry, dead, do-nothing religion in need of new blood.

– Martin Luther King, Jr. “Why Jesus Called A Man A fool”

Hello, and welcome to Theopoliticus, a blog about the intersections of faith and theology.  You might find yourself thinking, “another political blog?” Or, “another faith-based blog?” Do we really need one of these?

Well…yes. And no. This isn’t just another political blog or just another blog about faith. Not exactly, anyway. It aspires to be both—at all times.

And, we do believe Theopoliticus is needed.

We believe we need this blog because it helps remind us that our theologies, the ways we think and speak about God, are lived. What we do—and do intentionally—bears witness to our theology. How we live is indeed the fruit of the spirit, and this blog hopes to ask of us what kind of fruit we are bearing. And beyond that, it asks, “What kind do we want to bear?”

So, how does it work? Maybe the best way to answer that is to share a bit of our backgrounds. After all, our life experiences play an important part in shaping our theologies and the lenses through which we understand the world.

We are Rev. Tim Schaefer and Rev. Kristin Warthen, two recent seminary graduates who serve as pastors in two different contexts—both denominationally and socio-politically. And we love talking politics. Well, Tim does. Kristin loves asking what drives our politics, especially when we assert that our Christian values are behind the wheel.

Tim serves at a Baptist church in Dallas, Texas. He approaches theology from the lens of an outsider because that is how he’s lived much of his life: outside of the American “norm.”

Three major experiences contribute to his lens and give shape his theology and his politics: his experience as an immigrant, his experience as a gay man, and his experience growing up as part of the “working poor.”

He entered the United States from Germany in first grade speaking virtually no English, and—while he learned the language quickly—he felt the sting of avoidance from others who didn’t know what to do with a peer who carried such a heavy accent. He also felt the sting of American perceptions at the time of what it meant to be German as he often fielded questions about whether or not his parents were nazis.

Tim felt this outsider status compounded when he came out as gay in the 1990s after several years of struggling to come to terms with his sexuality. Amidst heated discussions about the “sinfulness” of homosexuality by United Methodist leaders, he felt abandoned and condemned by his childhood denomination, bringing him to the brink of suicide.

For Tim, these experiences of marginalization inform his sensitivity to how “the least among us” are treated. He understands these struggles because he lived them. And yet, he recognizes that in many ways he benefitted from a great deal of privilege—as a white, cis-gender man.

Kristin serves as an associate pastor at a United Methodist church in the DFW Metroplex. A belief in the intrinsic value and worth of the individual as imago dei grounds and roots her theology.

Kristin grew up in a small town in Texas as one of its poorer students, labeled “at-risk” from a young age—a label that both formed and transformed her as she grew up. She is a first-generation college graduate who learned first-hand the strength of offering one’s voice and power to amplify the voice of others.

She passionately defends theologies that uplift and liberate others—especially those on the margins. And she passionately opposes theologies that threaten human dignity and worth.

A married mother of two very busy teenagers, Kristin knows the difficulty of finding balance and voice in a hurried and ever-distracted world.

Still, Kristin believes in stories. She believes that the stories we tell—about God, ourselves, and others—matter. These stories, this language, shape our interactions with our neighbors and with the Divine. They shape our very noticing of the Divine in others.

Like Tim, she also realizes that despite emerging from poverty, Kristin has benefited from systems that uplift her as a white, straight, cis-gender woman. And she seeks to question those systems—to ask how they can transform to benefit all people and exclude none.

And that’s us: a critic and questioner embarking on a writing journey that seeks to wonder about, to better understand, to challenge, and maybe even to be part of transforming the world as it is to the world as it can be—a place where peacemaking is possible, where the value and dignity of all are born witness to, a place where the deepest convictions of our hearts are intentionally lived out in our daily lives, a place where theology and politics can blend to create rich hues of color that draw us together rather than separate us from one another.

A theopoliticus.

Along the way, other voices will emerge. Voices we love. Voices with which we may or may not be in agreement. Always, we’ll amplify voices exploring the intersections of faith and public life.

We won’t always get it right. We will always be open. We will welcome those who agree with us and those who don’t.

So, with all that said:  Welcome, Friend. It’s nice to meet you…

[abzilp]

Not only the title, but the plan and a good deal of the incidental symbolism of the poem were suggested by Miss Jessie L. Weston’s book on the Grail legend: From Ritual to Romance (Macmillan). Indeed, so deeply am I indebted, Miss Weston’s book will elucidate the difficulties of the poem much better than my notes can do; and I recommend it (apart from the great interest of the book itself) to any who think such elucidation of the poem worth the trouble. To another work of anthropology I am indebted in general, one which has influenced our generation profoundly; I mean The Golden Bough; I have used especially the two volumes Adonis, Attis, Osiris. Anyone who is acquainted with these works will immediately recognise in the poem certain references to vegetation ceremonies.

I. The Burial of the Dead

    Line 20. Cf. Ezekiel II, i.     23. Cf. Ecclesiastes XII, v.     31. V. Tristan und Isolde, I, verses 5-8.     42. Id, III, verse 24.     46. I am not familiar with the exact constitution of the Tarot pack of cards, from which I have obviously departed to suit my own convenience. The Hanged Man, a member of the traditional pack, fits my purpose in two ways: because he is associated in my mind with the Hanged God of Frazer, and because I associate him with the hooded figure in the passage of the disciples to Emmaus in Part V. The Phoenician Sailor and the Merchant appear later; also the “crowds of people," and Death by Water is executed in Part IV. The Man with Three Staves (an authentic member of the Tarot pack) I associate, quite arbitrarily, with the Fisher King himself     60. Cf. Baudelaire:          “Fourmillante cité, cité pleine de rêves,          “Où le spectre en plein jour raccroche le passant.”     63. Cf. Inferno III, 55-57:                                             “si Iunga tratta          di gente, ch’io non avrei mai creduto               che morte tanta n’avesse disfatta.”     64, Cf. Inferno IV, 25-27:          “Quivi, secondo che per ascoltare,          “non avea pianto, ma’ che di sospiri,          “che l’aura eterna facevan tremare.”     68, A phenomenon which I have often noticed.     74, Cf. the Dirge in Webster’s White Devil.     76. V. Baudelaire, Preface to Fleurs du Mal.

II. A Game of Chess

    77. Cf. Antony and Cleopatra, II, ii, I. 190.     92. Laquearia. V. Aeneid, I, 726:          dependent Iychni laquearibus aureis incensi, et noctem flammis funalia vincunt.     98. Sylvan scene, V. Milton, Paradise Lost, IV, 140.     99. V. Ovid, Metamorphoses, VI, Philomela.     100. Cf. Part III, I. 204.     115. Cf. Part III, I. 195.     118. Cf. Webster: “Is the wind in that door still?”     126. Cf. Part I, I. 37,48.     138. Cf. the game of chess in Middleton’s Women beware Women.

III. The Fire Sermon

    176. V. Spencer, Prothalamion.     192. Cf. The Tempest, I, ii,     196. Cf. Marvell, To His Coy Mistress.     197. Cf. Day, Parliament of Bees:          “When of the sudden, listening, you shall hear,          “A noise of horns and hunting, which shall bring          “Actaeon to Diana in the spring,          “Where all shall see her naked skin . . . "     199. I do not know the origin of the ballad from which these lines are taken: it was reported to me from Sydney, Australia.     202. V. Verlaine, Parsifal.     210. The currants were quoted at a price “carriage and insurance free to London”; and the Bill of Lading etc. were to be handed to the buyer upon payment of the sight draft.     218. Tiresias, although a mere spectator and not indeed a “character," is yet the most important personage in the poem, uniting all the rest. Just as the one-eyed merchant, seller of currants, melts into the Phoenician Sailor, and the latter is not wholly distinct from Ferdinand Prince of Naples, so all the women are one woman, and the two sexes meet in Tiresias, What Tiresias sees, in fact, is the substance of the poem. The whole passage from Ovid is of great anthropological interest:          '. . . Cum Iunone iocos et maior vestra profecto est          Quam, quae contingit maribus,' dixisse, ‘voluptas.'          Illa negat; placuit quae sit sententia docti          Quaerere Tiresiae: venus huic erat utraque nota,          Nam duo magnorum viridi coeuntia silva          Corpora serpentum baculi violaverat ictu          Deque viro factus, mirabile, femina septem          Egerat autumnos; octavo rursus eosdem          Vidit et ‘est yestrae si tanta potentia plagae:          Dixit ‘ut auctoris sortem in contraria mutet,          Nunc quoque vos feriam!' percussis anguibus isdem          Forma prior rediit genetivaque venit imago.          Arbiter hic igitur sumptus de lite iocosa          Dicta Iovis firmat; gravius Saturnia iusto          Nec pro materia fertur doluisse suique          Iudicis aeterna damnavit lumina nocte,          At pater omnipotens (neque enim Iicetinrita cuiquam          Facta dei fecisse deo) pro Iumine adempto          Scire futura dedit poenamque levavit honore.     221. This may not appear as exact as Sappho’s lines, but I had In mind the “longshore” or “dory” fisherman, who returns at nightfall.     253. V. Goldsmith, the song in The Vicar of Wakefield.     257. V. The Tempest, as above.     264. The interior of St. Magnus Martyr is to my mind one of the finest among Wren’s interiors. See The Proposed Demolition of Nineteen City Churches: (P. S. King & Son, Ltd.).     266. The Song of the (three) Thames-daughters begins here. From line 292 to 306 inclusive they speak in tum. V. Götterdämmerung, III, i: the Rhine-daughters.     279. V. Froude, Elizabeth, Vol. I, ch. iv, letter of De Quadra to Philip of Spain: “In the afternoon we were in a barge, watching the games on the river. (The queen) was alone with Lord Robert and myself on the poop, when they began to talk nonsense, and went so far that Lord Robert at last said, as I was on the spot there was no reason why they should not be married if the queen pleased.”     293. Cf. Purgatorio, V, 133:          “Ricorditi di me, che son la Pia;          “Siena mi fe’, disfecemi Maremma.”     307. V. St. Augustine’s Confessions: “to Carthage then I came, where a cauldron of unholy loves sang all about mine ears.”     308. The complete text of the Buddha’s Fire Sermon (which corresponds in importance to the Sermon on the Mount) from which these words are taken, will be found translated in the late Henry Clarke Warren’s Buddhism in Translation (Harvard Oriental Series). Mr. Warren was one of the great pioneers of Buddhist studies in the Occident.     309. From St. Augustine’s Confessions again. The collocation of these two representatives of eastern and western asceticism, as the culmination of this part of the poem, is not an accident.

V. What the Thunder Said

    In the first part of Part V three themes are employed: the journey to Emmaus, the approach to the Chapel Perilous (see Miss Weston’s book) and the present decay of eastern Europe.     357. This is Turdus aonalaschkae pallasii, the hermit-thrush which I have heard in Quebec County. Chapman says (Handbook of Birds of Eastern North America) “it is most at home in secluded woodland and thickety retreats. . . . Its notes are not remarkable for variety or volume, but in purity and sweetness of tone and exquisite modulation they are unequalled.” Its “water-dripping song” is justly celebrated.     360. The following lines were stimulated by the account of one of the Antarctic expeditions (I forget which, but I think one of Shackleton’s): it was related that the party of explorers, at the extremity of their strength, had the constant delusion that there was one more member than could actually be counted.     367-77, Cf. Hermann Hesse, Blick ins Chaos: “Schon ist halb Europa, schon ist zumindest der halbe Osten Europas auf dem Wege zum Chaos, fährt betrunken im heiligem Wahnam Abgrund entlang und singt dazu, singt betrunken und hymnisch wie Dmitri Karamasoff sang. Ueber diese Lieder lacht der Burger beleidigt, der Heilige und Seher hört sie mit Tränen.”     402. “Datta, dayadhvam, damyata” (Give, sympathise, control). The fable of the meaning of the Thunder is found in the Brihadaranyaka – Upanishad, 5, 1. A translation is found in Deussen’s Sechzig Upanishads des Veda, p, 489.     408. Cf. Webster, The White Devil, V, vi:                                                            ". . . they’ll remarry          Ere the worm pierce your winding-sheet, ere the spider          Make a thin curtain for your epitaphs.”     412. Cf. Inferno, XXXIII, 46:          “ed io sentii chiavar l’uscio di sotto          all’orribile torre.”      Also F. H. Bradley, Appearance and Reality, p. 346. “My external sensations are no less private to myself than are my thoughts or my feelings. In either case my experiences falls within my alike, every sphere is opaque to the others which surround it. . . . In for each is peculiar and private to that soul.”     425. V. Weston: From Ritual to Romance; chapter on the Fisher King.     428. V. Purgatorio, XXXVI, 148.          "‘Ara vos prec per aquella valor          ‘que vos guida al som de l’escalina,          ‘sovegna vos a temps de ma dolor.'          Poi s’ascose nel foco che gli affina.”     429. V. Pervigilium Veneris. Cf. Philomela in Parts II and III.     430. V. Gerard de Nerval, Sonnet El Desdichado.     432. V. Kyd’s Spanish Tragedy.     434. Shantih. Repeated as here, a formal ending to an Upanishad. “The Peace which passeth understanding” is a feeble translation of the content of this word.

[floralmarsupial]

thoughts on vriska?

I was nervous about answering this ask since people have very strong opinion about Vris, so I reread some of her pesterlogs to get that most concise answer I could have and I’m really glad I did, I’d forgotten so much of Hivebent (a full out reread of Homestuck is overdue.)

Anyways I think Vriska is really interesting? Like just the fact in of itself that this really dumb 13 year old character sparked so much fanon about her being a master manipulator and all around badass (esp when some of her first real pesterlogs as a character were her being pretty blatantly exploited by Scratch to ensure LE went imago and also stepping on fucking dice she refuses to pick up and blaming it on her bad luck lmao) is really funny.

As far as like her actual character, for most of the story she’s this fucking tween that isn’t half as self-assured, smart or in control as she wishes she could be and is at least partly self aware of that and spends almost all of the story trying to find validation to make herself feel better about it. Trying to live up to some long dead pirate because if she could be her she’d be all the things she wants to be and she’d be happy!! Who desperately wants the acceptance and approval of her friends and is also hyper aware of their distaste for her and continues to play her “the end justify the means” logic into trying to gain their favor back again but completely fails (or refuses) to understand why that doesn’t work.

Not to mention the whole part where she actively tries to pull a “I can be your devil or your angle” (because well shit everyone hates her anyways she’s gotta get their attention somehow and by them I mean Terezi lmao) shit in real life only to realize that playing the bad guy doesn’t actually feel that good and then goes about playing the hero in the most awful, self important way possible. Then there’s also the fact that in Retcon she sort of accomplished her goal, finally being in the center of the big win, to have a plan for once work(ooo the validation, except wait it’s better this time, she doesn’t need anyones approval! right?), only for her to sooner or later have to move on to Earth C where legitimately all of those coping mechanisms that made her somewhat successful on Alternia and SBURB will make her a complete outsider in this new cultural environment and how she’ll HAVE TO adjust. (I eat shit like that up)

Basically I feel about her like I do most of the other trolls, where the sort of inherent awfulness brought on by the cultural world building of Alternia allows for a lot of interesting exploration of character flaws and how those flaws affect the way characters relate to each other. That’s the kind of stuff that I find really engaging in fiction, like it’s not about “Is this character good or bad?” but trying to figure out what course of action would have to play out to reach the most satisfying solution and what sort of conflicts take place prior to that.

When you add in the other details about Vriska like the trauma connected to her lusus being literally mind linked to her, always screaming at her to feed and how that sort of constant danger from something that’s suppose to protect her affected shit developmentally wise, it’s just a delicious cocktail of character analysis.

That said I gotta touch on my feelings about the abuse she inflicted on Tavros (It was abuse like point blank) which is that concerning Vriska I don’t feel a lot because in the end she’s just a tween fictional character but towards Hussie I have huge fucking beef with. Like as someone who also writes comics, one of the things that I keep forefront in my mind is that regardless of how fictional the characters are the minute I put that shit into public, there will be very real people that will relate to that character and how I go about telling that character’s story is going to have extra impact on them. So when I see a character in a story defined by vulnerability (who will be related to by vulnerable people) consistently being abused and made the butt of jokes, killed by his abuser, and being completely mishandled to the point later on he canonically sees himself in a romantic relationship with his past abuser and then has his character arc completed in terms that his past abuser would find fulfilling (instead of who his actual character was) really fucking pisses me off.

I just feel like as an author if you take very real life problems (like abuse) and apply it to your fictional characters it is a hundred percent your responsibility to handle that shit with care and he didn’t? Regardless of how cartoony said story is?  Idk I could write a whole salty essay about how badly he handled that character arc and most of my distaste with things that happen in comic are directed at him and how he went about handling it.

TLDR: Vriska is interesting, she does bad things and shouldn’t be in any way exalted but isn’t necessarily just plain evil. Instead she’s a complicated character put into a molding of a thirteen year old girl, made to be picked apart and examined in detail, esp considering the really off marker fanon surrounding her. Also fuck Hussie for completely mishandling the abuse arc between her and Tavros and for generally being a completely irresponsible author in his depiction of abuse, stick to Humanimals Hussie, Humanimals was your masterpiece.

[greetingsfromthebottomofthewell]

NES GODZILLA CREEPYPASTA - CHAPTER 5: ENTROPY (PART 2)

[directory]

poor things.

[sources] [triggers]

After...THAT, the game went back to the board screen. It was all I could do not to burst out screaming, and my hands were shaking so bad I could barely hold the controller.

I knew the game was going to test me if I kept playing. But I had no idea it would go so far. Or that it was even capable of doing what it just did. I could feel my brain going haywire as I asked myself "Did the game just read my mind?"

That didn't seem possible. But what other explanation was there?

It was then that I could no longer deny what now seemed obvious: This game is alive. And not only that, it also can establish some kind of mental connection with the player.

And yet...I couldn't convince myself to stop playing. I don't know if it was the game messing with my mind, or just my stubborn curiosity, but even with the previous revelation, I really wanted to see this through to the end. Even more than I did before I beat Dementia.

Terrifying as it might be, even dangerous, I knew that if I quit playing, I would never be able to stop thinking about it. If I tried to restart the game, it might go back to being normal again. How many people ever get to witness something like this firsthand, let alone be able to take screenshots of the whole thing?

Fucked up as it was, this was the experience of a lifetime.

But even so, I couldn't take any chances with my health. I had the TV remote right next to me, ready to turn the TV off in case I felt I was in actual danger. And if that didn't work, I would pull the plug out of the wall, or just run out of the room.

Surely, that would be enough...

Whatever powers the "game" has, it seemed to be confined to what it can show on the TV and, whatever its "mental connection" could do. The latter was what worried me. I still didn't know what I was dealing with, so I wasn't about to underestimate it.

I took a break for a few minutes to calm my nerves. And then it was back to the game.

And speaking of TVs: There was a TV screen icon right below the white forest I had just left, and because the first animation was so bizarre I figured I'd try another to see what happens. Although I expected the same animation, I actually got a totally different one:

Weird. The music for this one was the Neptune board music. Fitting I suppose, since it's a fishman and all. I can't help but what wonder what the point of these things are. There was one more TV screen icon so I figured it must have a unique animation of its own. I was going to make sure to see what it was before I left Entropy.

But then it was time for another level. The gold brick icon was the closest thing, so I went to that, and I started up in a "Gold Labyrinth" level.

My health and power were refilled. Not sure how or why, but I was glad not to be heading in the unknown nearly dead. I also noticed that my Mothra sprite had shrunk to half its original size.

The music was a slow, ominous drum beat, with female vocals kicking in about a minute into it. Quite haunting.

The Gold Labyrinth itself was an anomaly. I'm not sure how this level would have played out if I was using Godzilla or Anguirus, because flying seemed necessary just to get around this place.

Another thing that caught my attention was that when you go left, your monster actually turns and faces the left. That sounds stupidly obvious, but in the original game you were only supposed to move to the right, so when you tried to move left your monster ended up walking/flying backwards.

This level was apparently gigantic in size, because every time I thought I had reached an end to it, or thought I was going to end up back where I started, I encountered something totally new. Things like lava blockades, new enemies, and statue faces.

And I found one statue face at a dead end with a wide, open eyed stare. The night Melissa died, she had an expression on her face that looked exactly like this the whole time. Even when she got hit by the truck, she still had that same expression. I can't help but feel like something really is staring at me from behind the screen when I look at this:

I really didn't want to be reminded of that night anymore, so I left the statue almost as soon as I found it. I needed to find the exit anyway, which proved to be no simple task. It felt like this level stretched on forever in all directions. I must have wandered around the level for at least fifteen minutes before I finally saw something.

It was a creature that wasn't gold. Seemingly the only one of its kind in the level. Lacking any kind of hover ability like the other creatures, it just walked back and forth on the platform.

But it wasn't long after I found it that a flying machine swooped down and grabbed it, and then flew off with it. The machine apparently had not seen me, so I decided to follow it, to see where it was taking the creature.

The machine stopped at a room with a large cauldron-like object in the center. The machine hovered over to the cauldron and dropped the creature into it.

The creature came emerged from a hole in the cauldron's side, now adorned in the same gold color as everything else. The machine flew off. I'm not really sure what to make of this, but I'm glad I came upon it, because I found the exit soon after.

When I got back to the board I realized that the bosses hadn't moved at all. A bit odd, but it didn't bother me, it made planning my route through Entropy easier. There were still two new icons to explore, the Indigo Cliffs and a black version of the labyrinth.

Since there were only three black labyrinth icons (which were surrounded by bosses) I played the Indigo Cliffs first.

It was a lot like the blue/green mountains. The level graphics had the same "shredded" look to it, there's also a recolor of the clouds and moon from the Toxic Waste Dump. The music, (if you can call it that) was merely a deep rumbling noise.

One of the first things I encountered were these multicolored creatures with big heads emerging from a small cave in the ground.

They all made a synchronized shaking sound, and they walked to the right in a group after emerging from the cave, ignoring me.

Having no other way to go, I followed them on their route. More and more emerged from the cave, until the group had about a hundred creatures. Eventually, the pathway ended in a cliff. I was shocked to see that upon reaching the cliff, all the creatures began jumping off into the abyss:

I've seen enemies walk off cliffs before, but I've never seen NPC's commit mass suicide like this. Very unsettling way to start off a level.

I continued on, flying over various strange animals like the ones shown here:

Another group of multicolored "bobbleheads" was jumping up and down, only to be snatched up by large birds, which I'm fairly certain are sprite versions of the Giant Condor from Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster.

I defeated some of the Condors in battle, but it bothered me that these bobbleheads seemed to be so eager to die. If the game itself is alive...perhaps the creatures in these levels are also "alive"? And some have very unhappy lives, if this behavior is any indication.

But what provokes them to do this? In the back of my mind, I almost suspect that the glowing moon in the sky is the reason...

At the end of the level, I saw yet another group of the bobbleheads, marching up to a large monster and being devoured.

This was starting to disgust me, so acting on impulse I fired off eyebeams at both the monster and the bobbleheads. I destroyed the cave.

The monster became angry, and ran through the remaining bobbleheads to fight me. Although it lacked any ranged attacks, it was relentless. But it was no match for me.

I was in the home stretch now, up to the bosses. My plan was to go through Battra first, then Megalon. After that I would watch the last TV screen, play the Black Labyrinth before fighting Mechagodzilla. And lastly, going through the chase with the hell beast. I was curious to see if it would be in a new form again.

But first things first, time to beat up Battra.

As I expected, he started off in his Larva form. The music was Varan's battle theme.

Whenever the game puts in a new Godzilla kaiju with more than one form, that other form always shows up. For a game that's otherwise inexplicable, it's rather startling in its consistency and accuracy with the new kaiju bosses.

The fight started off simple. Larva Battra fought in a similar fashion as Maguma did, charging back and forth and occasionally firing off lightning from its horn.

During the fight, I noticed that Mothra's combat capabilities had been altered in my favor:

The eye beams did 2x as much damage as they did originally, now they were as strong as Godzilla's punches. The poison powder was similarly improved, it also did this nice thing were it would actually HIT an enemy when you used it.

In the original game, even though Mothra could fly, she was unable to fly over an opponent. You would get knocked back the same way as if you just ran straight into them, which was extremely annoying. But not any more! I could change direction and fly around, which was a big help because:

Fighting Imago Battra is much like fighting a clone Mothra, although Battra is distinctly faster and stronger. No longer impeded by its slow-moving Larva form, Imago Battra was a fearsome opponent.

Although it lacked the horn lightning, it now had a new, more powerful eye beam. Battra could change direction just like I could, so this battle involved a lot of flipping and flying around. It was pretty damned fun, to be honest.

So after defeating Battra, I was excited to see what Megalon would be like. But first I went through an Indigo Cliffs level, and shot through a lot of the creatures for the health-power-ups.

So about Megalon. His music was Gigan's theme. Makes sense, since Gigan was his battle partner in Megalon's one (and so far, only) film appearance.

He was a lot like Moguera, but faster, and with more weapons. He'd start out charging off with his drills.

I liked to fly back and forth around him, which seemed to really annoy him. After a few seconds, he'd step back, turn around and start spitting out grenades. Those were a pain, because they bounce when they hit the "ground".

Lastly, he started spamming his lightning beam. It only went straight forward, so it was easy to duck under it and then shoot him with eye beams.

Overall, I'd describe him as Strong, Persistent, but Dumb.

I was now nearing the end of Entropy. I had just taken down Megalon, and I started up the last Tv screen, to see what I'd get this time.

The result was unpleasant.

The music for this gruesome scene was the Password theme.

I couldn't figure out why this animation was so sinister and violent in comparison to the other two. The whole game seemed to be growing more malevolent.

As I went on to finish Entropy, I began to feel...drained. It's hard to describe. Like I had suddenly became tired when I wasn't before. Most likely it was just the tension from all that had happened in this game getting to me, but who knows.

The last level type on Entropy is what I call the "Shadow Labyrinth". The scenery was recolored from gold to black. The music was an evil ambiance, similar to the UNFORGIVING COLD loop but distinctly different.

The music was my first sign that this level was going to be distressing. I traveled through the maze for about a minute, and I noticed there weren't any creatures hovering around. It was an odd transition from the gold Labyrinth, which was overrun with creatures, to this level that had nothing at all. But then this might be a good thing, maybe there wouldn't be any obstacles and I could get through the level with ease.

Then the screen went dark.

And immediately I snapped out of my "daze" from a few seconds earlier. Everything had been darkened so that the only thing I could see was the Mothra sprite. I couldn't tell where I was going and I ended up frantically running into walls. I heard a noise, the sound of a crowd running through a hallway.

And along with the running, came the roars. Loud roaring sounds, which I would describe as something like a rabid dog the size of an elephant, screaming with fury. And I could tell that whatever was making this noise, there were lots of them.

I knew there was something there, but it wasn't until I did some screencap editing that I got to see what my pursuers looked like:

But at the time I couldn't see where they were, or where I was going. I was literally running blind, and this mob of beasts eventually caught up with me. All I could think was "NO!" as I saw my lifebar rapidly declining. The monsters had taken me down to half of my total health, when I was saved. The "light" came back on, and the attackers had disappeared.

And so the challenge of this level was revealed: Find the exit before the lights go out and a pack of monsters maul you to death.

I was in panic mode now, moving as fast I could go while trying every path I could find for a way out. As I played through the level, the lights went out a total of three times. The second time, I would have been dead meat had it not been for one of the wide-eyed statues:

As I stayed close to it, the monsters seem to all avoid me until the light came back. The statue warded them away, somehow. I was safe as long as I stayed near the statue, but at the same time I had to leave to find the exit.

The Shadow Labyrinth turned out to be much smaller than the Gold Labyrinth, as it only took about six minutes to navigate to the end. But before the exit, there was a row of halls leading straight down, with no way out once entered. You either got to the exit before the monsters reached you, or you died. Thankfully I made it out.

Only one more boss, Mechagodzilla. I started the battle, and got something unexpected:

Not only did my life shoot back up to 100% again (It seems to do that randomly), but instead of a replacement boss, I was fighting Godzilla.

But any Godzilla fan worth their salt can figure this out. Mecha-Godzilla started off like fighting a clone Godzilla, but his disguise burned away after only three life bars. Usually a transformation only occurred at the halfway point.

At this point it was like fighting Mecha-Godzilla in the normal game. Felt kinda nice to fight one of the original game enemies for a change. Although he wasn't exactly like normal, he also had a rainbow beam and finger missiles. This prevented me from doing the old trick of backing him in the corner and hitting with eyebeams in a spot where he can't hit me, but that was always a cheap trick anyways.

But after getting him down to half his health, something weird started to happen. His sprite started to glitch, in much the same way as Gezora had way back in the first world. After a few seconds, the glitches began to form a new shape…

And thus the game had created "Not-Mecha-Godzilla", and I discovered that this visual glitch was somehow related to the game recreating things. The human face on this one gives it a very uncanny look.

It was one of the stronger Replacement monsters, and had the most firepower. Pictured here is its Mouth Beam, which I got caught in the middle of.

Even though it was a bit stronger, it was also slower than its original counterpart and couldn't jump around as much. I won the fight by constantly staying out of its line of fire, bombarding the machine with Poison Powder as I flew over it.

One last thing to do: The hell beast chase. Oh boy. "Might as well just get this over with," I thought.

The Entropy "End Chase" ended up being exactly what I was afraid it would be: A Labyrinth level. All the other chases, although difficult, were extremely straight-forward. You just had to run to the right and not get touched.

But this took all the simplicity out of it. There was no telling how big this labyrinth would be, or where the exit was. And now not only did I have to constantly backtrack to find my way out, I also had to avoid getting one-hit killed by the red monster.

And for those first thirty seconds, it didn't show up. But I knew it would, and as I started picking up the pace, I heard a loud flapping noise:

And there it was, in a "flying form". It flew with bat-like wings, and was as fast and relentless as ever. For reasons already stated this was probably the most nerve-wracking of all the "End Chases", and as such I had to keep my focus on the game and not taking screencaps.

However, I did take one of the red monster doing something I found very interesting.

I had managed to lose it by going through a different path than it apparently expected, and it was blocked from attacking me by one of the organic walls of the Red Labyrinth. Or so I thought.

It tried clawing through the wall for a second before opening up its mouth and tearing the wall apart with the intestine jaws.

But those brief milliseconds that the monster was held back might have been the key to me finding the exit. The path to exit was long and complex, but from what I remember I went up, and then back towards the left. I'm still not sure why I chose that particular way. Just a lucky hunch I suppose.

I was sweating profusely, but my luck had saved me yet again. I hoped that it wouldn't run out before I finished the game. There were only two more worlds to go.

Next was the penultimate world, called "Extus":

[previous | [next]

[goodnewsjamaica]

Leon Bailey: 10 things on Bayer Leverkusen’s Jamaica-born flying winger

New Post has been published on http://goodnewsjamaica.com/world-view/leon-bailey-10-things-bayer-leverkusens-jamaica-born-flying-winger/

Leon Bailey: 10 things on Bayer Leverkusen’s Jamaica-born flying winger

Leon Bailey’s stunning performances with Bayer Leverkusen have put him and Jamaica on the global football map in the same way his friend, Usain Bolt, took the island to the top of athletics. He is also good mates with Manchester City’s Raheem Sterling, but don’t mention Bailey to Bundesliga defenders…

bundesliga.com looks at the scenic and colourful life journey that took the Kingston-born boy from the shores of the Caribbean to the banks of the Rhine through ten facts about one of the Bundesliga’s hottest properties.

1) The new Arjen Robben?

Left-footed, frighteningly quick, bedazzling with the ball at his feet, and a liking for cutting in from the wing to devastating effect. Sound familiar? Bayern Munich fans will see Arjen Robben in that description.

Leverkusen supporters — and soon maybe many more German football watchers — will have images of Bailey hurtling at breakneck speed through their minds. The Jamaican has marked himself out as ‘one to watch’ in his first full Bundesliga season, outdoing his Bayern counterpart in output and upstaging him in terms of the spectacular.

Robben has already written his name into Bundesliga legend, and Bailey has all the tools to join him in the pantheon of greats.

2) International man of mystery

Which lucky country will get the thumbs up from Bailey to play for them at international level? © imago

For all his brilliance with Bayer, Bailey has yet to play at senior international level, and his sizzling form has sparked a race between nations to be the first to convince him he should pull on their shirt.

With the World Cup approaching and England reportedly exploring the possibility he could be eligible to play for them in Russia, Bailey is keeping his options open. “It’s been like that for years, but my opinion hasn’t changed and people have to accept that. Which country I play for is still open.”

There is – of course – still a good chance he will join the Reggae Boyz of Jamaica. “The Jamaican FA has wanted me to play for them since I was 11 or 12,” Bailey explained. The Leverkusen man has already represented the Caribbean island at Under-23 level, scoring a free-kick against the Cayman Islands in March 2015.

3) Tidy player, Messi man

Exceptional and devastating with the ball at his feet like his boyhood idol Lionel Messi, Bailey’s scorching pace is eerily similar to that of his namesake, Donovan, Canada’s Jamaican-born former 100m world record holder and Olympic champion sprinter.

  💎

A post shared by Leon Bailey ✞ (@leonbailey_9) on Dec 23, 2017 at 8:36am PST

Bailey, though, has an even faster friend: Usain Bolt. “I’ve never run with him,” Bailey said of his fellow Jamaican who currently owns the 100m world record. “I never want to run with him!” Many Bundesliga defenders feel the same about you, Leon.

4) The reggae boyz

Jamaica is better known for its athletes like Bolt, its musicians like Bob Marley and its cricketers such as Michael ‘Whispering Death’ Holding, but it has also produced its fair share of quality footballers.

England internationals John Barnes and Sterling were both born there, while though born in England, Leicester City’s English Premier League-winning captain, Wes Morgan, has Jamaican blood in his veins as have a number of illustrious players who have mostly featured for England at international level.

  Deven haffi seh a thousand words… bless up on your strong bro, more life & more success, we doing it big for the rest of the year & into the new year! :tada::gift::heart: @sterling7

A post shared by Leon Bailey ✞ (@leonbailey_9) on Dec 8, 2017 at 3:17am PST

Born in Germany, Karlsruhe’s Daniel Gordon played eight Bundesliga games for Borussia Dortmund between 2006 and 2009, while his fellow Jamaica international, English-born Michael Hector, scored once in 22 top-flight appearances in Germany with Eintracht Frankfurt during the 2016/17 season.

5) The Butler did it!

Born 9 August, 1997, in Kingston, Jamaica, Bailey shares a birthday with coaching greats Otto Rehhagel, Mario Zagallo and Roy Hodgson. Perhaps Bailey will shine in the dug-out in the future, but it is with another Leo born on the same date, Chelsea star Willian, he shares the most attributes for now.

One of 20 youngsters adopted by Craig Butler, Bailey’s talent quickly became apparent at his dad’s Phoenix All-Star Academy. Butler, Bailey, and another of Butler’s sons, Kyle, all went to Europe with the boys barely in their teens to pursue the dream of kicking a ball for a living.

“We came to Europe with one jacket, no experience of winter,” described Bailey, who was just 12 when the trio arrived in Austria. “We didn’t have so much money, so sometimes we just had tuna on bread for breakfast, lunch and dinner just to get through the day.”

6) First stop: Slovakia!

Bailey entered the youth ranks of Austrian team Liefering, a club with close ties to Red Bull Salzburg, in 2011, and after attempts to broker deals with Genk in Belgium and Ajax in the Netherlands fell through due to Bailey’s age — FIFA rules forbid clubs to sign non-EU players under 18 — he eventually joined Slovak outfit Trencin in autumn 2014. “I like Trencin because they push you, because they know what you’re capable of. I know in a few years, I’m going to be a really good player,” a 17-year-old Bailey said shortly after joining Trencin, who also signed Kyle Butler at the same time.

Bailey’s talent means he has stood out from the crowd since his days with Trencin in Slovakia. © DFL DEUTSCHE FUSSBALL LIGA

Bailey was unable to make a contribution on the pitch as Trencin won the Slovak title that season, but he did make an impression on the training ground of the club where former Liverpool defender Martin Skrtel started his professional career.

“He has the advantage of being a versatile player, and in just a few days he has convinced me that he will benefit our team,” said then-Trencin boss Martin Sevela of Bailey. “If he left, we would certainly miss him.”

7) Chip off the old block

“My dad said, you look like Alvin and the Chipmunks so everyone called me ‘Alvin’, then ‘Chipmunk’, then just ‘Chippy’,” Bailey told Deutsche Welle when asked about the origins of his nickname. “When someone calls me that they’ve been close to me all my life, and know a lot about me.”

8) Going, going, Genk

[Bailey excelled at Genk, following in the footsteps of Kevin De Bruyne. © gettyimages / Kristof van Accom]

Genk had clearly not forgotten Bailey. The club where Kevin De Bruyne took his first steps in the professional game know talent when they see it, and snapped up Bailey when he turned 18 in summer 2015.

Just 12 short days after blowing out the candles on his birthday cake, he made his first-team debut at the start of a season that would lead to him being named Belgium’s Young Player of the Year, an award previously scooped by the likes of Vincent Kompany, Axel Witsel and Youri Tielemans.

“What I do is learn from others, and make myself better,” Bailey said when picking up his prize. “A wise man learns from his mistakes, but a wiser man learns from the mistakes of others.”

9) School of hard knocks

As keen a student of the game as Bailey has proven, the basic, natural talent he possesses can be traced back to his origins, the Leverkusen man himself believes. “We eat a lot of food from the ground, that makes us strong and fast,” Bailey explained.

Allied to the gifts Mother Nature gave him, testing his skills in the rough and tumble of street football in Kingston’s Cassava Piece neighbourhood made his switch to Europe so much easier.

Bailey has been a huge hit in his first full season in the Bundesliga with Bayer Leverkusen. © DFL DEUTSCHE FUSSBALL LIGA

“When I look back it wasn’t easy, it was difficult times. I experienced a lot of things there that made me stronger in life,” he explained. “They didn’t stop me playing with the bigger guys, because they could see I could handle it.”

10) Bigger, better, Bayer

Those who nurtured Bailey’s young talents were not the only ones. While Bailey was at Trencin, one of the Slovak club’s directors, Igor Schlesinger, had said, “I don’t know what he’s worth now, but in the future, it will definitely be some millions.” The exact answer would — for now — be €20 million, the widely reported fee Leverkusen paid Genk for the Jamaican wunderkind in January 2017.

“He’s got extraordinary pace, he’s very skilful with the ball, and he will give further impetus to our attacking department,” said Leverkusen sporting director Rudi Völler, a former World Cup winner who should know a good player when he sees one. “We are convinced that he will be a big gain for us.” No-one will be arguing with you, Rudi, after seeing his performance against Hoffenheim.

Original Article Found Here

[globalnation2016]

How Do I Guard My Heart while Dating?

I would just like to clarify the audience I hope to encourage here; the late 20 to 30-somethings of our western charismatic christian culture. 

Lets say I’m planning to have a coffee with, or busy getting to know a christian gentleman, and people say, “Remember to guard your heart hey!” I think I’ve overanalysed every bit of relational advice and wisdom I have ever been given, for fear of going down an old road and messing up again. So I’ve been hyper focussed on not putting a foot wrong! 

So, if I have to ‘guard my heart’ when conversing with or befriending guys in the church, and keep all my emotions inside, how do I let genuine love out!? How do I let anything in? This has troubled me for some time now. I’ve realised that this verse (Prov 4:23) has been taken out of context. The Proverbs writer is talking about shielding our hearts from wickedness, malice, and other heinous sins. It’s talking about your words sounding sweet but the attitude of the heart being twisted and dark with evil intent, and so what you say actually oozes with disdain. Solomon wrote a lot about wise living and how to avoid uncouth women, but I don’t think Solomon was AT ALL referring to dating here. 

A whole lot of questions have begun to arise on this amazing dating exploration of mine. So, what if I start having feelings for a friend that I’m just casually getting to know? (Oh no, not feelings!). And the inner turmoil begins. What if I’m not attracted to a guy that starts pursuing me? What if, what if, what if? This is risky business (nervous laugh), but I’m learning that busting through the first hurdle of fear brings a lot of calm afterwards and it becomes easier. People can also relax around you if you’re relaxed. Fear and love don’t swim in the same pool, my friends. You have to choose one.

Let’s break through one odd expectation that causes so much of this eerie tension. Ladies, a reality check: a guy is probably not going to propose on the second coffee date. And if I think about it, I would be freaked out if every second guy actually did! I know we’ve all heard some compelling testimonies, but everyone’s story is different. YOU HAVE TO ALLOW GOD TO WRITE YOURS. And don’t be afraid of making mistakes. God is not waiting for you to trip up. You have to start somewhere ladies and gents! I’m halfway to 33 now and realising that there’s a lot of work still to do. Sowing that is. You gotta get in the game at some point!

I always thought it was impossible to have guy friends. Where are the lines, you know? By the grace of God and lots of prayer, I’m developing some. Husbandry is all about being best friends first anyway, and it has a BEAUTIFUL definition. Husbandry: Noun. To care; cultivate; farm; manage; invest wisely and conserve resources; and be a good housekeeper. This links to a clip a friend sent me recently. Enjoy; https://youtu.be/hQN0qXIBRG0 

I experienced brotherly love in Israel and it broke me. It healed me too. I met a group of people who had come to pray there. They were mixed ages, married, singles, ladies, and guys. I have never met such pure-hearted Jesus pursuers in all my life. They weren’t legalistic in ANY way. They loved so fully, I felt like I was walking with Jesus. I know they would spend hours in quiet time everyday, so He just flowed out of them. As I was painting my nails with one of the guys on a Jerusalem balcony one day, that clichéd thought came up in my mind again, “What if this guy is...my husband!” The gaps and chasms of unloved spaces in my soul were being filled and I gave him the credit for it. He was a part of it, but it was all Jesus. I prayed about it and from that day on we were like a brother and sister, hugging and punching each other, laughing and crying and praying together, without any ulterior motives. Glorious. He even said, “I love you, Megan,” to my face, in the most innocent way, that it broke down a lot of walls I’d put up to protect myself. So, we can’t be haphazard with people’s hearts and feelings, but if we do sincerely love them, then we should be able to say so.

I tell my sisters that I love them all the time. “I love you bro’,” is something I often tell my blood brother. It took me a long time to get to this place, but now that I’m here, it’s very hard for me to hold back, and people have told me that I shouldn’t. I struggle to fit into a conservative culture, really I do. Now, I’m not going to run around telling every brother that I love him, because wisdom and self control is very important in relationships too. I was anxiety stricken though. I felt condemned just for holding eye contact too long with a brother in a conversation! That kind of fear is unnecessary and it just creates awkwardness. 

Jesus was an emotional person. He never held back. He turned tables over in wrath. He wept bitterly at Lazarus’ tomb. He did not keep His emotions all neatly folded up inside! I’m sure He belly-laughed too! Have you ever seen a middle eastern person mourn!? Or an African, Greek, or Italian for that matter? Have you seen how they celebrate!? We can learn from them. Let’s let go a little, and not care so much what others think. Could we cry, or belly laugh, in church, or anywhere for that matter, without apologising for it? We’re the Imago Dei, the image of the The -passionately full of emotion and love- God! 

Here are two quotes by Spurgeon on ‘diligently keeping our hearts’:

“It is the emptiness of men’s hearts that makes them so feeble.”

“Never, never neglect the Word of God that will make your heart rich with precept, rich with understanding! And then your conversation, when it flows from your mouth, will be like your heart—rich and savory. Make your heart full of rich, generous love and then the stream that flows from your hands will be just as rich and generous as your heart. Above all, get Jesus to live in your heart and then out of your belly shall flow rivers of living water—more rich, more satisfying than the water of the well of Sychar of which Jacob drank. Oh, go, Christian, to the great mine of riches and cry unto the Holy Spirit to make your heart rich unto salvation! So shall your life and conversation be a gift to your fellows.”

Let’s love freely. He did. 

Me try’na keep all my emotions togetha!

[theexpectedguest]

NOTES

NOT only the title, but the plan and a good deal of the incidental symbolism of the poem were suggested by Miss Jessie L. Weston's book on the Grail legend: From Ritual to Romance (Macmillan). Indeed, so deeply am I indebted, Miss Weston's book will elucidate the difficulties of the poem much better than my notes can do; and I recommend it (apart from the great interest of the book itself) to any who think such elucidation of the poem worth the trouble. To another work of anthropology I am indebted in general, one which has influenced our generation profoundly; I mean The Golden Bough; I have used especially the two volumes Atthis Adonis Osiris. Anyone who is acquainted with these works will immediately recognise in the poem certain references to vegetation ceremonies.

I. THE BURIAL OF THE DEAD

Line 20. Cf. Ezekiel II, i.

23. Cf. Ecclesiastes XII, 5.

31. V. Tristan und Isolde, I, verses 5-8.

42. Id. III, verse 24.

46. I am not familiar with the exact constitution of the Tarot pack of cards, from which I have obviously departed to suit my own convenience. The Hanged Man, a member of the traditional pack, fits my purpose in two ways: because he is associated in my mind with the Hanged God of Frazer, and because I associate him with the hooded figure in the passage of the disciples to Emmaus in Part V. The Phoenician Sailor and the Merchant appear later; also the "crowds of people," and Death by Water is executed in Part IV. The Man with Three Staves (an authentic member of the Tarot pack) I associate, quite arbitrarily, with the Fisher King himself.

60. Cf. Baudelaire:

"Fourmillante cité, cité pleine de rèves,

"Où le spectre en plein jour raccroche le passant."

63. Cf. Inferno III, 55–57:

"si lunga tratta di gente, ch'io non avrei mai creduto che morte tanta n'avesse disfatta."

64. Cf. Inferno IV, 25–27:

"Quivi, secondo che per ascoltare, "non avea pianto, ma' che di sospiri, "che l'aura eterna facevan tremare."

68. A phenomenon which I have often noticed.

74. Cf. the Dirge in Webster's White Devil.

76. V. Baudelaire, Preface to Fleurs du Mal.

II. A GAME OF CHESS

77. Cf. Antony and Cleopatra, II. ii., l. 190.

92. Laquearia. V. Aeneid, I, 726:

dependent lychni laquearibus aureis incensi, et noctem flammis funalia vincunt.

98. Sylvan scene. V. Milton, Paradise Lost, IV, 140.

99. V. Ovid, Metamorphoses, VI, Philomela.

100. Cf. Part III l. 204.

115. Cf. Part III l. 195.

118. Cf. Webster: "Is the wind in that door still?"

126. Cf. Part I l. 37, 48.

138. Cf. the game of chess in Middleton's Women beware Women.

III. THE FIRE SERMON

176. V. Spenser, Prothalamion.

192. Cf. The Tempest, I. ii.

196. Cf. Day, Parliament of Bees:

"When of the sudden, listening, you shall hear, "A noise of horns and hunting, which shall bring "Actaeon to Diana in the spring, "Where all shall see her naked skin . . ."

197. Cf. Marvell, To His Coy Mistress.

199. I do not know the origin of the ballad from which these lines are taken: it was reported to me from Sydney, Australia.

202. V. Verlaine, Parsifal.

210. The currants were quoted at a price "carriage and insurance free to London"; and the Bill of Lading etc. were to be handed to the buyer upon payment of the sight draft.

218. Tiresias, although a mere spectator and not indeed a "character," is yet the most important personage in the poem, uniting all the rest. Just as the one-eyed merchant, seller of currants, melts into the Phoenician Sailor, and the latter is not wholly distinct from Ferdinand Prince of Naples, so all the women are one woman, and the two sexes meet in Tiresias. What Tiresias sees, in fact, is the substance of the poem. The whole passage from Ovid is of great anthropological interest:

. . . Cum Iunone iocos et maior vestra profecto est

Quam, quae contingit maribus', dixisse, 'voluptas.' Illa negat; placuit quae sit sententia docti Quaerere Tiresiae: venus huic erat utraque nota. Nam duo magnorum viridi coeuntia silva Corpora serpentum baculi violaverat ictu Deque viro factus, mirabile, femina septem Egerat autumnos; octavo rursus eosdem Vidit et 'est vestrae si tanta potentia plagae,' Dixit 'ut auctoris sortem in contraria mutet, Nunc quoque vos feriam!' percussis anguibus isdem Forma prior rediit genetivaque venit imago. Arbiter hic igitur sumptus de lite iocosa Dicta Iovis firmat; gravius Saturnia iusto Nec pro materia fertur doluisse suique Iudicis aeterna damnavit lumina nocte, At pater omnipotens (neque enim licet inrita cuiquam Facta dei fecisse deo) pro lumine adempto Scire futura dedit poenamque levavit honore.

221. This may not appear as exact as Sappho's lines, but I had in mind the "longshore" or "dory" fisherman, who returns at nightfall.

253. V. Goldsmith, the song in The Vicar of Wakefield.

257. V. The Tempest, as above.

264. The interior of St. Magnus Martyr is to my mind one of the finest among Wren's interiors. See The Proposed Demolition of Nineteen City Churches: (P. S. King & Son, Ltd.).

266. The Song of the (three) Thames-daughters begins here. From line 292 to 306 inclusive they speak in turn. V. Götterdämmerung, III, i: the Rhinedaughters.

279. V. Froude, Elizabeth, Vol. I, ch. iv, letter of De Quadra to Philip of Spain:

"In the afternoon we were in a barge, watching the games on the river. (The queen) was alone with Lord Robert and myself on the poop, when they began to talk nonsense, and went so far that Lord Robert at last said, as I was on the spot there was no reason why they should not be married if the queen pleased."

293. Cf. Purgatorio, V. 133:

"Ricorditi di me, che son la Pia;"Siena mi fe', disfecemi Maremma."

307. V. St. Augustine's Confessions: "to Carthage then I came, where a cauldron of unholy loves sang all about mine ears."

308. The complete text of the Buddha's Fire Sermon (which corresponds in importance to the Sermon on the Mount) from which these words are taken, will be found translated in the late Henry Clarke Warren's Buddhism in Translation (Harvard Oriental Series). Mr. Warren was one of the great pioneers of Buddhist studies in the Occident.

312. From St. Augustine's Confessions again. The collocation of these two representatives of eastern and western asceticism, as the culmination of this part of the poem, is not an accident.

V. WHAT THE THUNDER SAID

In the first part of Part V three themes are employed: the journey to Emmaus, the approach to the Chapel Perilous (see Miss Weston's book) and the present decay of eastern Europe.

357. This is Turdus aonalaschkae pallasii, the hermit-thrush which I have heard in Quebec County. Chapman says (Handbook of Birds of Eastern North America) "it is most at home in secluded woodland and thickety retreats. . . . Its notes are not remarkable for variety or volume, but in purity and sweetness of tone and exquisite modulation they are unequalled." Its "water-dripping song" is justly celebrated.

360. The following lines were stimulated by the account of one of the Antarctic expeditions (I forget which, but I think one of Shackleton's): it was related that the party of explorers, at the extremity of their strength, had the constant delusion that there was one more member than could actually be counted.

366–76. Cf. Hermann Hesse, Blick ins Chaos: "Schon ist halb Europa, schon ist zumindest der halbe Osten Europas auf dem Wege zum Chaos, fährt betrunken im heiligem Wahn am Abgrund entlang und singt dazu, singt betrunken und hymnisch wie Dmitri Karamasoff sang. Ueber diese Lieder lacht der Bürger beleidigt, der Heilige und Seher hört sie mit Tränen."

401. "Datta, dayadhvam, damyata" (Give, sympathize, control). The fable of the meaning of the Thunder is found in the Brihadaranyaka—Upanishad, 5, 1. A translation is found in Deussen's Sechzig Upanishads des Veda, p. 489.

407. Cf. Webster, The White Devil, v. vi:

". . . they'll remarry Ere the worm pierce your winding-sheet, ere the spider Make a thin curtain for your epitaphs."

411. Cf. Inferno, XXXIII, 46:

"ed io sentii chiavar l'uscio di sottoall'orribile torre."

Also F. H. Bradley, Appearance and Reality, p. 346.

"My external sensations are no less private to myself than are my thoughts or my feelings. In either case my experience falls within my own circle, a circle closed on the outside; and, with all its elements alike, every sphere is opaque to the others which surround it. . . . In brief, regarded as an existence which appears in a soul, the whole world for each is peculiar and private to that soul."

424. V. Weston, From Ritual to Romance; chapter on the Fisher King.

427. V. Purgatorio, XXVI, 148.

"'Ara vos prec per aquella valor'que vos guida al som de l'escalina,'sovegna vos a temps de ma dolor.'Poi s'ascose nel foco che gli affina."

428. V. Pervigilium Veneris. Cf. Philomela in Parts II and III.

429. V. Gerard de Nerval, Sonnet El Desdichado.

431. V. Kyd's Spanish Tragedy.

434. Shantih. Repeated as here, a formal ending to an Upanishad. "The Peace which passeth understanding" is a feeble translation of the content of this word.