#theres a small part of my brain thats maybe just a little invested in the drama of the space still :')

[gayemoji]

make up your own mind, mate, if you ask for people to tell you what was "good" or "bad", you're just going to get biased responses from both sides. People not thinking for themselves is why this whole situation ended up as big as it did and ended with people getting doxxed. No-one can tell you what to think, or at least they shouldn't.

anyway it is absolutely ok to still be indifferent, if that's your true thoughts, then that's your true thoughts. and brushing it off as 'bullshit twitter stuff' is also a point of view that a lot of other people have as well that you can also take on if you wish.

i just heavily, heavily encourage you to just. sit on the information for a day or two, take the time to really think about it and how you feel, you'll be better off, and so will everyone else.

ik you mean well anon but i was joking w the 'tell me how to think' :') it was hyperbole to try and bait some more perspectives, especially from people who actually HAVE opinions. poking the bear if you will.

i dont think 'seeking out biased takes' is inherently. bad ? i think taking the video at face value is honestly worse imo. as much as i dont care nOw id sort of like to care. i feel like i lack critical information, with exactly one (1) perspective from the sole guy trying to super prove he's not a piece of shit. i want a full picture. and while i wait for people to write their extensive overviews i can at least see what the kneejerk fanatics from any and all sides are saying, so i can go 'well thats interesting new info i wonder where it came from' or 'well thats obviously wrong because .....'

enjoy your day ! & cheers for looking out for me but i am capable of thinking for myself lol 🥂

[chaoticgremlinbrainspace]

idk if theres something wrong with me but I feel the deep seated urge to just study the bat family and their weird ass family dynamics/relationships with eachother and like make a huge chart with notes then work my way out from there to their friends and then their friends friends until I know the entire web of complex interlocking relationships and how different people interact with each other and their histories with each other and shit. like I want to dissect the dc charaters and I know the only reason my ass is here in the first place is bc I hyperfixated on nightwing then got invested (sobbing shittung dying nightwing is my lil dude I put into a hydraulic press so unfortunately he would take up so much brain realistate💀) I wanna write silly goofy lil stories featuring him but I also want to do other characters justice and have full context of events and stuff I will throw up if im ooc and or just fucking wrong about something. like theyre so funky I wanna do right by their charaters but ive also gripped dick by the throat and started projecting onto his guilt ridden ass.(eldest child moment yippeee disappointmenting my parents makes me explode :( also hes funky like that lol) but like genuinely want to be able to take existing relationships and just like idk go into it? like explore them I guess and how they interact, what makes a character tick and all that. theres just something about charaters that are so fun to pull apart and find who they are at their core, what makes them this charater, you know? and I feel like part of discovering that is understanding the connections and history of a character in relation to the setting and other charaters, how they react, how they think and feel when put into situations, shit like that I could rotate in my head for hours. im also an emo lil shit and my brain tends to fixate on the darker events and happenings, which can be a hindrance at times 💀. and like im also just one lil dude my Interpretation of those relationships and charaters could be comepletely different form someone else's due to my experiences or lack of experiences with certain stuff. and like I wanna do it justice I dont wanna should dumb or completely miss the point because that would suck ass, Especially if I ever did post it online it would be like being dragged through the city tied to a Honda civic or smth. or at least thats probably how it would feel lol. damn fear of failure and ridicule we meet again you assholes....anyway, I wanna write silly goofy lil stories for my own enjoyment but I want them to be good and accurate to the characters, maybe add small little head canons as a treat but. Domestic type shit or me projecting onto dick my fucking adhd and making him explode too lmao.(im very insane about that head canon ive thought about it a lot, shout out to middle school me for doing all that research instead of sleeping or doing homework your a real one lol). that and using dick as a vehicle to explore my own queerness in a sense because like, its fun, and probably less dangerous than walking around downtown by myself. like I really enjoy giving dick a funky gender that he cant quite label or name that just is, and it doesn't matter because he’s just rocking around kicking ass, he just happens to not be cishet in my heart and mind. that and I wanna draw him in fun outfits, my friends agree he dress like a lesbian(lesbian approved statement). and like yeah I just think its neat to heasdcanon him as queer, Especially the funky genders because hes just doing his own thing bhfdjknvl. this turned into me rambling about making dick gender queer in some fashion not to say that cis dudes cant wear traditionally seen as feminine clothing or anything ya’ll because fuck the notion of gendered clothing, I just mean like imagine like very loud outfits, patterns colors weird shapes and sizes. that and cursed thrift store shirts that say some shit like “oat sealed frog jar” with a picture of Freddy Mercury sitting on a bench wrong. with the like insane fonts. I guess I wanna throw dick in fits that you typically would associate with the chill queer alt people who have cool drip. idk man. anyway sorry to y’all reading this it kinda got outta hand there. 

[the-kipsabian]

💫🎀🎉💞💥🍭💎🪄💌

💫what is your favorite kind of comment/feedback? i honestly love everything i get be it just 'good' or a keyboard smash or anything, but ive always been extra fond of feedback that states the commenters favorite part of the fic or picks apart their favorite sentences etc. cause to me that feels like they took the time not only to read, but also to try to invest themselves in the story and understand it and what the words i was putting down were fully trying to convey. they are the very special kinds to me personally <3

🎀give yourself a compliment about your own writing its the one i can keep repeating to the very end, but i love the way i can convey emotions in scenes. i think im pretty hecking good at that honestly

🎉how often do you celebrate completing & posting a work? how often do you give yourself the credit/validation that you seek from others when you post? (if you don't, you should!) oh wow i havent. actually rewarded myself for finishing and posting since i started doing it again lol. i do give myself credit when its due cause i think my work is pretty good at the moment so i dont feel like im posting subpar stuff, but i also dont know what to reward myself with. i cant afford anything and little things dont bring me much joy rn honestly lol. stay tuned maybe i figure this out

💞what's the most important part of a story for you? the plot, the characters, the worldbuilding, the technical stuff (grammar etc), the figurative language characters (and their relationships) and the overall mood. i usually want to convey a certain feeling through a scene so thats my top priority, and i take pride in my character work a lot so thats also up there, trying to make them feel as real as possible. reading-wise im a plot person tho, or again the mood is really important to me

💥find your least kudos'd fic - say something wonderful about it. (unspirisingly) insomnia. i just thought it was really cute. it also helped my anxiety while working on it and reading it afterwards a few times so like. yeah. its also the piece that got me into writing kip so thats very special

🍭why did you start writing? i have always liked stories. i was a lonely child with no friends and talents, writing was the one thing i was maybe good at and ppl complimented me on when i dared to share something with them. currently im doing it as an outlet and cause it just makes me happy and my god nobody else is writing these fics and ships (except you <3) and someone fucking has to LOL

💎why is writing important to you? i mean its pretty much the same answer as above lol. im sad, im lonely, trying to make something that makes me happy since i have almost completely fallen off from the drawing bandwagon and i need a creative outlet. its the one way im most comfortable expressing myself and it keeps me sane rn. its like the One Thing i feel im actually good at i guess

🪄what is your post-writing/sharing aftercare? How do you take care of yourself or celebrate yourself when you've finished a fic? recently i think all ive done after finishing something is either eat or go to bed lol. i also more often than not let the written stuff simmer for a while, depending how im feeling about it if its an hour or a few days before editing and posting so im not constantly overworking myself, but yeah. food and/or sleep is the most common thing rn. as stated above, i cant afford any big things to celebrate with and small things barely give me any sort of happiness rn

💌share something with us about an up-and-coming work (WIP) that has you excited! i love how this question immediately drew my brain into a blank lol. i dont really have a lot of things actually in works right now, i just have a very long list of ideas and requests, theres only like. actually three things im trying to work on that i have started (and i might have to scrap at least one of them hmm). but immortal fears is always good!! chapter 3 WILL happen eventually, its maybe 2/3 written right now and i just really. REALLY enjoy writing chuck. so im excited to share that and hope that people like him as much as i do!!

fic writer asks ~

[manifesting-mari]

Morning Pages 2/7/2023

Joe fromt he dispensary yesterday gave such great advice. If you want something, you just need to out the work in. thats true. It takes time. Im very impatient. Its like im already living in the fantasy, my mind is before my body and its activating ym nervous system. I can feel it and i like this feeling. Its wild. Its kinda making me horny. Is that what existential kink is talkoing about? I also realized i like being scared. It makes me horny. I like being uncomfortable and pushign myself and keeping myself in anxiety and chaos. Cjhaos makes me horny. Fuck im so horny rn. How can i send this energy down to my root. Let me spread this energy around my body and see who need sit. The muscles in my shoulders. I can feel myself sending the energy down to my sit bones and it bouncing up to my shoulders. What if i drop my evergy all the way down to my pelvic bone?

Rather than squeezing up i need to be pushing down, feeling the resistance of the 3d world to understand it better. Integrate myself with the 3d world. Im feeling hungry and craving. Theres a bit of the sacral in the reply tot he impulse of hunger. I want something that is tasty. That’ll hit a craving. Ohh i can make fried zucchini and pan fried rice. Im gonna take a break and do that now. I will take care of myself. I will mother myself. And then i will pleasure myself. And then i will come back and tell you what happened. 

Break

I dont value hard work. What do i value?

Ok i’m back! Lol so i made that little note. What do i value. I dont value hard work. Like, i like that my hard work is valued, but i dont personally value it. Like i see where in my programming it is valued. I see the parts of me that are screaming “if youre not sacrificing yourself then youre not worth paying” i dont enjoy having that a part of my life. But it is. So what would EK suggest. It would suggest that i indeed DO value hard work and that i enjoy the sadomasochism of suffering through a job in order to earn my money. I would much rather enjoy investing my time in my work that also helps me learn and grow into the next thing. 

I can feel the ways i tyr to make myself small becaus eid ont want responsibility i dont want to step into my power because im afraid ill get it wrong. And david’s advice for me has always been to just get it wrong. I am impatient. So i need to come up with smaller goals so i can more easily track myself and i need to document everything so i can track my progress and be in the present. My brain is hurting. Idk if its the food or the weed but i think i need to lay down or meditate for a bit. Another break

Break

Wow, what a nap, lol. I just got off the phone with Jordan and I’m grateful to be reminded of the wonderfully deep and spiritual convcersations we have. Oi admire their dedication to their growth just as my own. 

What really is coming up for me, and even after SChuyler’s meditation, is the over compensation of my gut and my sacral. I need more stabalization in my root. I need to feel like i’m taken care of. Maybe i’m having a hard time because i am avoiding fixing myself. I am avoiding healing these parts of myself that feel broken because i like being broken. I enjoy that narrative. I  like being loved but feeling like i dont deserve it. This si my disorganized attachment. I want you to be attracted to me and want me but i dont feel liek i deserve to be wanted or i dont feel that anyone should like it. Its like i get into these relationships with people to prove myself right and then also prove myself well, still right. It proves that someone thinks i’m attracteive and it gives me this validation. But then when i deny their presence, live, and care, then i prove myself right that i dont deserve love. Its fucked tbh lol. I like being this broken work in progress that is still loved even thorough the has loves and her hair is fucked up and she may be a little greasya nd sticky at the same time. 

Theres definitely a lot of root work to do. I wanna get that book “waking down” it sounds so interesting. I do feel like ive been living in my braina nd in my crown and fantasy and i wanna brign all that power down to my root too so i can support stronger growth. 

I really do like the person that i ma. I liek every part of me that makes me me. I am starting to realize that all these parts of me are valid. All these parts deserve to be here.a nd all the parts can work together. I like who i ma. I’m exciting im sexy, im honest, well, as honest as i can be. I am a liar. I am a truth teller. I am broken and i am healing. I am  expanding and getting deeper and deeper and deeper. I am a masterpiece and a work in progress. I am a timeless song that has different covers by different artists. I come in so manyu different versions and styles but the core of me is good. The core of me is loving. The core of me is the divine. 

I am starting to trust myself. Today i trust myself more than other days. I am thirsty. Im looking forward to working at the dispensary and having money to invest in healthy, yunmmy foods. I think i need some kind of structure around my food to remind myself of the goals ive been setting. I feel light headed right now and maybe that means i need water. Im gonna get some now. Brb. 

Ok, well i gotta get some water on the way home from hanging with Jordan. I’m sure i can put $10 of gas in my car and then but two more poland spring big waters.

This money insecurity is not cute. I think its just my general insecurity manifesting. I feel liek it all revolves around my job. I’d like a secure job that i know will provide me with a regular stream of income. 

I keep getting distracted. Idky. right now im thinking about kyds and looking for their next event. I really wanna connect with them. I aim to out my power where it is most productive and beneficial for the greatest good of all. I want to be able to bring the book to kyds and be like, i feel like i need to show you guys this and i want to be able to work with you to keep this book going. Its a meditation that means a lot from me and a book written nd created by people who mean a lot to me. 

I dont really know what my body is craving besides water. I think i’ll make those fried rice things for the crab meat. That seems liek a yummy dinner. I have about a half a page left. Im def gonna post this all messy liek this.

I was reading back on my old gratitude journal. I havent written in it in a long time. I always get high and then forget. I wont forget today, i’ll write in ti today. There are lots of things for me to be grateful for, i have so much anger stored in my body and i look forward to releasing it. 

Lets see,w hat else should i type about. Maybe i should reach out to diane about a mushroom ceremony? Ir maybe i should look into schuyler’s services? Or maybe i should just take the time to really turn inwards and see whats happening. I can identify whats happening lots of times but then i need support for processing all my nfeelings around it. A lot fo the feelings are grief for not having the opposite of what happened, and angr for what happened. I dont liek the word opposite, lets just say a more loving and positive outcome. So thewres still grief and angrer, and then shame of the things i did or the way i reacted to what happened. i am committed to creating more space for myself and take the time to decide what i want to do

I am really working to check in with myself and make sure im giving myself love, care, and compassion. I think im getting good at that. Today in the meditation schuyler was talking about a bigger Ma. a bigger mother than our mother who feels us a who got us. A bigger power that has us. I am grateful to feel whisps of that power. Thats inside me and inside everything. I am integrating the truth that i am cared for and loved. That everything is working out for the greatest good and my needs  are being met. 

I am still struggling with my sens eof safety and security. I still feel scared to tell people my truth and scared to be my fullest self. When i point out that fear it feels funny, and it feels like it had less power when its out in the light. It really is this shadow part fo ourselves, this shadow part of me that is working in the background. I think its time to clean out the apps in my psychological library and end the things that are still running in the background and expending my energy. I really do love me.

[ocean-butch]

How is cas different from ur other girlfriends

akcjwjxia i had to wait like SIX HOURS to answer this bc of a goddamn test i had bUT OH BOY ANON AM I GONNA LOVE DOING IT alfjadjsk i just love talking about my gf i love her so much i wanna gush about her 25/8

the short answer would be basically in every way bUt imma do it part by part.

okay so, in a simplified version i’ve had relationships with people whose personalities worked well with me but who were shitty girlfriends or a good girlfriend who just didnt really fit with my personality. i’ve actually given that so much thought even before i met cass, but the point is that i met her and she was just perfect for me in both ways (technically its more complicated bc theres a bunch of logic into this that im not explaining bc my mind is weird and it would be Way too long but anyways). but ok let get into How she fits me perfectly.

first of all literally no one ever in my entire life has made me laugh as easily and genuinely as she does. im not even exaggerating, like laughing was never really A Thing for me to look for in girls bc it just never happened???? like i had fun conversations and stuff but there was never anyone that made me go “holy shit i have never laughed this much with anyone else” and we have So many inside jokes, which is a thing that i almost never have????? and i always used to wish i did bc everyone would talk about it and i’d feel like i just wasnt funny and That was the problem. and also this is really important bc its one of the things that made me realize that i liked (and eventually, came to love) her. bUT its not the only one so theres also like all these things that we like and we can talk about for HOURS like i remember when i watched infinity war and the first thing i did when i got home was call her and we talked about it for like 2 hours idek but it was great. the point is, we have a bunch of shared interests (which isnt like 100% necessary but its still really nice), wHICH LEADS ME TO: her music taste is amazing and i love that so much bc i love music With My Entire Soul and its the best thing in the fucking world (after cass & my friends and tied with the ocean) but yeah thats great too. AND i think more importantly than the last 2 things is that she is literally so fucking easy to talk to. like ever since the beginning we didnt really have that awkward phase where we run out of things to talk about and the conversation keeps dying like we never had that it just flowed so well and that was such a good feeling. another thing is also how comfortable i feel talking to her.

like i have never felt this way with any of my girlfriends bc i was always scared that i was gonna be annoying or say something Wrong and they’d start to realize i sucked and then break up with me, but shes just so kind and idk she just has this way about her that makes me feel at home and its always been there like i dont believe in love at first sight or anything like that but i swear to god the day after i met her i already felt like i could tell her anything and that was such a comforting thing and i needed that so badly at the time. i dont feel like i was able to describe this aspect very well tbh like im not doing it justice. like, she makes me feel like im not annoying at all, and like i could just randomly start ranting about anything and she would be like super invested in it, and just literally so comfortable in every sense of the word. she is my home, no ifs ands or buts, i just feel it every single time that we talk or that i simply think about her, and i have never felt this so clearly with anyone. and i think this comfort i feel with her is kinda connected with how she has always made me felt so appreciated, in a way that no one has ever done. like, i had like 2 tags about my wants and needs in a relationship, there was “my dream girl” to remind me that i shouldnt settle for anyone after i got out of a rlly bad relationship, and there was “things i wish someone would tell me” after my “first” relationship (i dont really count it bc Officially™ we only dated for a week) because my gf at the time would almost never be affectionate with me and it made me really insecure so i started that tag as a way to vent kinda. anyways my point is that i made those tags bc i would always feel super anxious in my relationships bc i never really felt loved or even wanted (aka the good personalities awful gfs relationships) i just felt like a burden and it was such a big thing for me.

okay now i’ll say that there Kinda was an exception to this before cass, because it would be unfair to say that that relationship was detrimental to my mental health, but it was still different. like, that ex did make me feel wanted most times, but not only did i still have A Lot of insecurities about the whole thing bc of some things she would say and do or not say and not do and i’d get like super uncomfortable or just sad really but also bc whenever the conversation would start to die out i was Absolutely Certain that she was gonna break up with me. it was pretty bad im not even joking. and like ofc my anxiety isnt her fault OR responsibility and like sure i still get anxious about cass sometimes but its not like that its basically just when she doesnt answer for a long time i think that something bad might have happened but even when my rude ass brain does try to tell me that she doesnt love me i KNOW that its not true, and that is a kind of peace that i have never ever had before. but anyways, so that was the good gf whose personality didnt fit mine and its weird now bc that is so obvious but i really didnt wanna believe it at the time even though i knew it wasnt gonna work out, but now its just really weird ngl (but i wont get into the why).

and now cass. wow okay let me tell you about cass. she is perfection. she is literally everything i have ever wanted AND things i didnt even know i wanted. she is everything no one else ever was and i just remembered that when we started dating in may i said that exact same sentence to abby. its just so true, she really is everything that no one else could be. because theyre not her. i’ve said this a lot of times but i really dont see how i could ever love anyone else after loving her, it just doesnt make sense to me because she really is like,, as good as it gets. there is no one better than her for me. we’re literally meant to be i s2g like when we broke up for a while i would tell everyone i wasnt really trying to move on at all bc i just hoped she would come back to me and i couldnt miss that chance. i knew she was my soulmate, although at some points i lost almost all hope (but never all) and i started thinking that maybe she was the love of my life but i wasnt the love of hers. and thats bc she really is everything ive ever dreamed of like she has all these little things that she does or say that sometimes wouldnt even mean anything to other people but to me they are So important bc theyre things ive dreamed about while my ex girlfriends ignored me akcjsjxn like, i was talking about how comfortable she feels to me and a big part of that comes from little things like the fact that even when we were just friends she would spam me when i was gone for a long time and that not only made me feel missed and appreciated but also it meant i could do that to her and it wouldnt be annoying bc she felt the same!! like, she missed me too! and me knowing that she actually Wanted to talk to me and the fact that she actually showed me she cared was super great when we started dating bc it made me feel like if i was feeling sad or insecure, i could literally just ask her to be a little more affectionate and it wouldnt feel fake bc i actually knew she cared. and you have No idea how much that meant to me bc i literally didnt know it was possible for me to feel that way. like honestly i thought it was an innate aspect of who i am that like if i asked for affection it would be meaningless? bc i’d be lowkey forcing the person to say something? but with her it felt different bc we had enough intimacy for me to feel comfortable enough to do that.

HOWEVER i never actually Had to do that bc i got insecure exactly once (1) on the first night we started dating back in may bc i didnt know how much she liked me and i was like in love with her so i thought she would think i was too much and then i told her i was sad and that i was gonna sleep and the next day when i woke up she said something along the lines of “how are you babe bc i remember you said you were sad last night and i couldnt stop thinking about it bc i want you to feel good all the time” and thats something so small but wow it just meant so much to me bc i would cry and beg any fucking force in the universe to make my last ex do Anything At All to try to make me Not Sad and it would be awful and i would feel so so unloved and then cass just said that and something clicked in me and i never doubted her feelings to an actual Meaningful extent while we’ve been together anymore (like ofc i get insecure sometimes and especially when we broke up, but while we have been dating ive never gotten like actually Sad™ specifically bc i wasnt sure she liked me) but it gets even better because some of the things she does are so so special that i never even imagined them like shes literally unreal, i literally never thought someone like her existed and its just so wild to me that i get to be with her.

and i know im saying a bunch of cliches but i mean it all so much like i remember when i was dating one of my exes i was learning her first language but she didnt try to learn mine and i really wished she would bc i just always loved the idea that someone would do that for me?? (and she was like the good gf so yknow,, just how that relationship literally did Not even compare to cass) and guess what yes cass is learning portuguese and its the cutest thing ever btw bUt the point is she does all the little things ive ever wanted in a partner (i literally have a post with a list of things i appreciate in a partner and she does all of them!! well, the ones that arent like irl or smth) also i literally have a draft in this blog that is a list of cute things cass has done/said that means a lot to me personally but i didnt post it yet ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ and like theres just so so many things that i havent talked about, like how im not even sure if i was ever in love with anyone of them anymore because what i feel for cass is just so different and so much more, or like how cass actually makes me want to try to get better, which ive never actually wanted before bc it always seemed to scary, like she literally makes me wanna be not only alive but also happy bc she makes me feel like i deserve it. she has been such a good influence on me and my mental health and thats so important and its the first time someone has been this good for me.

but anyways the point is that cass is right for me in every single way like she really is my other half she literally just is everything that she is and thats how shes different from my ex girlfriends.