#they ARE still little bitches but theyre like. lawful neutral little bitches who also are frequently very nice and give ppl presents

[fluxedbuds]

oh yeah i finished Grian’s EVO pov, it was pretty pleasant overall, would recommend. would extra recommend so that the base canon of watchers becomes more widely known and used bc its plenty good as is

[incorrect-hs-quotes]

Please tell us abt yr dnd characters holy shit

OK BET SO I HAVE SEVEN OF THEM AND FOUR OF THEM ARE KINDA FLESHED OUT THE OTHER THREE ARE IN THE CONCEPT ZONE

im in the process of making aesthetic blogs for them too so like ...... check out my main if you want em @turntechgodhcad 👀

-mod dave

ok so my first one is my chaos elf. glenn meldarion is my stupid idiot bitch boy and i love him and he lives in the woods. hes a rogue and hes chaotic neutral, hes 20, hes aroace, and naturally hes an amazing shot with a bow and arrow. also his full name is glennodad gonk meldarion and each of the names has a meaning

i looked up some elvish translator a while ago and “glennodad” translates to “jared”. jared 19

“meldarion” translates to “dave”. so his name is Elf Jared Dave

“gonk” is the name of my worm on a string so his middle name is gonk

theres nothing particularly angsty about glenn, he doesnt have a sad backstory or anything but he sure has a dumb one. so this fuck head ass starts out on a vegetable / fruit farm and hes minding his own business, he hunts for meat and stuff, and what he doesnt eat he sells. so hes got his own little market goin on but hes not exactly the most Popular of the vegetable sellers because yknow everyone and their mom on the edge of town is a vegetable seller so while glenns not selling fruit hes pickpocketing. and ONE DAY he pickpockets a Haughty Noble and gets caught. so this dude is like “ok” and places a little bounty on his head and hes run out of the town by this nobles goons and shit cause He Wants Payback, so up until he finds a home he just bounces around the woods from kingdom to kingdom camping out and shit. and he still pickpockets

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my SECOND boy is named cas, full name casteris emsworth, and hes human, hes my beautiful baby son and i love him and hes a druid (circle of the shepherd) !! hes a neutral good, hes 19, hes got himself a little Knife and hes bi !! and hes . very 👀 at this one tiefling of banes (if yall dont know bane thats my partner ^^).............his names lucas and oh boy cas has the Big Gay...............

cas’ main focus in his druidism is just plants. like people have specific focuses for some of their characters, cas just fucking likes plants. he absolutely excels in potions, and he fucks around with alchemy too. he keeps this big ass tome of plant sketches that hes seen on his travels, and he bakes bread when hes stressed and hes really good at writing! and hes fucking terrified of Really Big Fish . 

his backstorys kinda sad but not really fleshed out; he was raised druidic in a kingdom that outlawed magic, his family got Found Out, they were ordered to be executed and cas escaped. usually this is where people would get vengeful and angry and wage a personal war against the kingdom, but cas doesnt have an angry bone in his body and instead went fucking asap to another place to keep practicing in his parents’ names !! he stayed with a cousin until he got a little hut of his own and now hes just Vibing. his main goal right now is to recreate this potion that he did. he was just fucking Mixing Shit and he grew a baby ent. and now hes like. Hellbent on trying to figure out how the FUCK he did that

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then i have a fire genasi whos kind of just in physical character development right now, his name is mathias ganteoran and hes a fighter !! hes 21, chaotic neutral but a Different Flavor than glenn, more Harsh, he fights with a bo staff, his hair is Literally Fire and hes trans demi and gay

mathias is the Grumpy Friend who Doesnt Have Time For This Bullshit but he gets roped into a bunch of stupid stuff anyway and its really great. also he has a rebellious streak and hes just Big Punk. or at least as punk as 1394 can get. also i know for a fact that the way he did his top surgery was that he just went up to some magic friend of his and went “de-tit me” and they did and long story short Magic Top Surgery .

also i didnt have a name for him for six months and i called him “motherfucker unlimited” until i named him

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aaryn mendalyn is my next character i love her so much shes my triton, and i really want to use her in a campaign soon. shes a monk (way of the open hand), chaotic good, 19, pan as hell, and this bitch has GAUNTLETS !!!!!

and let me tell yall aaryn is here to do three things and three things only. punch the fuck out of things, party like a rock star, and EAT DIRT

she has a bit of a backstory that involves dirt actually, so shes kinda got a little mermaid complex going on but not cause she finds a guy or smth. so tritons as a species act really superior cause theyre underwater and shit (think amporas) but aaryn always thought “but hm. the land is pretty cool. it has dirt, we have dirt but wet, its the same shit??” so she decides “ok im gonna go be on land now” and she just fucking loves the dry dirt. shes not worried about what her family will think cause shes really fucking impulsive and hey if she doesnt go back then she doesnt go back. she is having the time of her life

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for the characters that are still in progress, and all of their info is “X until further notice” cause i still have a lot of research to do on these species and classes

i have a 21 y/o lawful neutral nb lesbian aasimar cleric named kirijah whose entire aesthetic is half-victorian, half-classical, all sun / clouds. theyre trying their best to be poised all the time but god theyre confused as to why they hang out with these people

then theres my 19 y/o chaotic neutral-turned-good human witch named myra !! shes my only character with a homebrew class so im gonna have to figure out how to work with that. shes an aro bi demigirl, and she doesnt have a Full backstory but i Do know that she was definitely forced to commit a Major Crime, it left her fucked up, and now shes trying to move in a new way better direction. so now shes the cheerleader of her friend group !!

and FINALLY my latest and least developed, my DWARF CLARISSA !!!!!!! shes a barbarian, probably neutral, DEFINITELY chaotic, im probably gonna end up making her trans (if i write her character well enough that is. i want to flesh her out to where it makes sense cause i really want to avoid the “barbarian trans woman” stereotype, obviously thats really fucking harmful) and out of the seven she is the ONLY one with a brain cell

[corescorner]

So That New Video Huh?

Okay holy shit, I’m gonna do an analysis for it. I’ve never done this before and no one literally has ever asked me to do this but youre getting it anyway cause this is the only place I can gush about this so freakin deal XP

First off, I woke up at two AM cause I’m A Disaster like that, and was greeted with this wonderful video. So naturally I make a pot of coffee and some Crofters toast and get on with my analysis.

Also! THE SWEATERS AND SCARVES! I WANT ALL OF THEM! On that note huge preesh to my Mum -even though she’ll never see this- who’s helping me buy one of the sweaters even though she doesn’t have to cause I’m a Grown Ass Adult ™ with my own money. Kind of. 

Anyway on with the analysis! Under the cut cause Daaaaaaaaaaaamn is it long.

- Thomas' jacket! I want it.

-That ad intro though XD 

-RAAAIID!!

-I be a real floozy XD

-Don't trust an old viking like me: Thomas Sanders (you know, the youtuber)

-PIrateS DiDn’T ReallY TAlk lIke ThIS! Reexamine your cultural biases!

-'what the hell is that accent?' going a liiittttle Remusy voice there Tommy.

-his ears scrunched down by the helmet and the beard string...

-Hahahahahaa, masculinity is a prison!

-SANDERS ASIDES! Nice.

-OKAY SO, this is literally the first thing I did when waking up and my mind was not ready for them TO BE HANGING OUT ON THE COUCH, suffice to say I had a mini freakout to myself and then excitedly continued.

-THE ONSIES I WANT VIRGILS!! THEY'RE ALL SO CUTE

-a florida dwelling man, who never leaves his house. Good point XD

-Romans immediate Sass™ Love It 

-Virgil’s Just As Sassy Thumbs Up. Hyello!

-*gasp* ohmygoodness it’s all Frozen. Oh whoever could have predicted that! Roman... Please.

-Virgil’s eye squint at Roman when he announced 100% of the votes were frozen and Pattons excited cheering even though he just said he didn't vote for it so there's no way it could have been 100%

- Now that I think about it, if Roman didn't rig it, I think they'd probably be at a standstill with, ya'know all their votes being on what they wanted to watch. 

-mmnnmmmnnn falsehood. It was so calm this time. soft falsehood.

-Paton’s incredulous 'too childish?!' he says this like he's recently seen Logan wear his and he's like 'what, but what'

-how can Thomas feel B.A.D with his inner D.A.D We👏 Get👏 It👏 You're 👏Adorable!

-VIRGIL: I CAN THINK OF A FEW WAYS. PATTON’S SAD LOOK!

-redirecting his attention to something good.... or neutral.

-ROMANS SASS

-Who among us can forget the absolute bop that is...... this weird ice cutting song. Roman with the sarcasm. 

-Pat: pretty cool/what it’s a chilled out groove! Lo: I might need you to leave. 

-Virgil's constant just Overthinking™ and not actually paying attention to the movie really. Mood.

-WHOS KID IS HE?! WHY DOES NOONE NOTICE THEY’RE LEAVING HIM

-some things need time.... Like evolution! Cute Nerd Alert.

-Patton blowing on his drink

-I ALso LOve you Olaf!

-VIRGIL’S LOOK AFTER THAT

- no you’re mine now

-I love that Roman commentates on movies he watches cause that is 100% Me

-’the heart is not so easily changed’ Lo: No it isn't. Pat: Hmm? 

-’but the head can be persuaded’ Ro: Can it though?

-’fear will be your enemy.’ Virgil’s looooooook T.T

-Pat and Ro: JOOOOAN! Virgil and Lo say nothing. Thomas:..... Joan... 

-it’s making me too aware of the passage of time! Ooooooof big Mood™ bro.

-REMUS!!! :D

-Of course he's naked, cause why wouldn't he be, they're all in their comfortable clothes.

- they're gonna die at seea! :D

-I sleep in the buff. Thank you Remus. No seriously, good to know.

-Virge: Did i screw everything up? Ro: No I threw out your vote so you couldn't do that. ROMAN!

-Patton’s head bob in agreement about missing the hand drawn movies

-Roman’s actual misunderstanding that virgil wasn't talking about frozen being the wrong decision.

-Verge: How are you telling me to settle into something right now when you've taken your sweet time to settle into things that you were uncomfortable with in the past? Virgil with the shaaaade.

-Pat: I just think we should all relax. Virge: You do realize who you’re talking to  right?

-Virgil's genuine confusion if Lo is asking him that question cause hes always so literal and then proceeds to tell him the number anyway.

-’why have a ballroom with no balls?’ Remus’ snicker, same.

-Just give in to the raunchy jokes Thomas, it's funny.

-Roman imitating Hans’ 'evil plotting face'

-Ro in Dude Bro Voice: aw man yea I’m so fucked up on chocolate fondue I don’t even know what im sayin right now

-All of the others smiling at that. Is Roman doing this to make them smile?

-Patton whines, Logan: Is something wrong Patton? UM Logan asking about FEELINGS Cute.

-there's no way shes coming out of this situation without trust issues. Mmmmmmyea.

-Ro: except for the footprints behind you. Lo:HEy YEa!

-Pat, quietly: don’t let them in don’t let them see. PATTON! SOMEONE HUG DAD PLEASE

-Virge: he may have been an idiot back in the day, but hes not anymore... Virge, are we talking in double meanings here?

-Lo: she shouldn't let go of more of her clothing that’s for sure, shes gonna freeze to death. Lo, she has ICE POWERS. I'm sure she’s fine. The cold never bothered her anyway.

-Logans confused, what about a bridge? Metaphors Lo.

-Pat: let it go! Ro: lie low in our kingdom of ICEolation, come on paton don’t go for the low hanging fruit.

-Lo: There’s a storm out tonight!? Well, obviously Thomas has to stay home why are we debating this. No, Lo honey, it’s still a metaphor.

-Lo: you think this castle has a lavatory? Pat: ICE TOILET! Ro: or a bed? Pat: ICE BED! Lo: this place sounds awful.

-Pat: his thing with the reindeer? Lo: outside of nature's laws? Re: he DEFINITELY FUCKS THE REINDEER! I THOUGHT THE SAME THIIIIIING.

-Ro: If OnLy ThErE wAs SoMeOnE OuT ThErE wHo LoVeD YoU 'hans evil plotting face'

-Logan pointing out Romans constant shade at he movie.

-UM! THIS IS HOW I SHOW MY LOVE UM EXCUSE YOU, My Prinxiety heart.

-Romans complete legit reason why Ana should have been saved by Olaf.

-Virge: I bet he’s talking about you right now. THOMAS' FACE.

-Pat: Thomas has talked about him to other people. Patton likes gossip?

-Ro: WERE ALL GOSSIPY BITCHES SOMETIMES!

-Logan AGREEING that they’re gossipy bitches XD

-OKAY I LOVE THAT RO IS THE ONE WHO SWEARS THE MOST

-Patton pointing a logans points in agreement

-VIRGIL IS SPIRALING, deep breaths kiddo!

-Virge: just think about it. Thomas: LIKE I HAVE A CHOICE

-Virge: he trusted you enough to share a history that he wasn’t proud of with you. Again talking in double meaning here Verge?

-Virge: ‘he wouldn’t have gotten around to some of the stuff you wanted to know about on his own. More backstory to unlock mayhaps?

-Logan doing the countdown thing to help with the anxiety.

-Thomas going along with it without question, Virgil.... kinda going along with it?

-Virgil’s soft ‘.... blinds...’ after naming things that were like existential crisis things XD

- Thomas and Virgil tasting the same thing? Do they all taste what Thomas tastes? Or were they eating together?

-Lo: You are safe. T.T Loooooooogaaaaan

-LOGAN TOTALLY OWNING THAT THOMAS CALLED HIM COOL! CAUSE YOU ARE!

-Virgil’s soft look when Thomas is talking about adjusting and then saying that he still thinks theyre friends! UM again with the double meanings?!

-Thomas: things will be alright between us. PATTON LOOKS AT VIRGIL Cuuuuuuute

-Roman’s metaphor that makes no sense to the situation.

-Thomas: thank you Roman, that’s barely applicable.

-and then his look of 'you're welcome' XD

-ROMANS SASS!!

-Logans list of Elsa’s powers

-Patton nodding along to it and then his 'yea it all checks out' XD

-Logan’s thoughts on Arendales military being just Elsa cause of her powers.

-Virgil’s soft smile and sigh.... ‘Too bad we didn’t go to that party.’ VIRGE!

-Anxiety music starts, what if your soulmate was there and now you’re never gonna get another chance to meet him

-Ro reaching in Virgil’s direction OH SHIT OH SHIT!

-Oof youre freaking out princey there Virge

-Lo: watching a film is too passive of an exercise to allay Thomas' troubled thoughts, Virgil’s cute shrug and thumb nail biting like 'welp'

-DECEIT!!!!!!! ROMAN WHY DO YOU HAVE HIS HAT DO YOU HANG OUT TOGETHER, WHY WERE YOU IN HIS ROOM WHY WAS HE NOT WEARING IT WHAT WAS HE DOING WHEN YOU STOLE IT!

-Dee: I was looking for this! So he doesn't always lie, that’s good to know.

-Virgil’s HISSING! Okay sure, but he wasn't even talking to you man calm down XD

-Dee: DONT TOUCH MY SHIT *finger waggle*

-Romans face! Like, yep I saw this coming and i did it anyways, and I’m probably gonna do it again in the future.

-HOW OFTEN DOES ROMAN RIG VOTES?

-Logans interest in rewriting Frozen

-Ro: no. yes. I don’t know what you’re asking. Roman, it was kinda self explanatory XD

-everyones expressions when roman is talking about how he’s gonna rewrite it.

-YEA YOU LET THOSE CREATIVE JUICES FLOW!

-Virgil’s little ‘aw hell yea’

-REMUS: eh not my kind of fanfiction! WHAT FANDOM DOES HE READ FOR!? DOES HE READ STUFF ON HIMSELF AND THE OTHER SIDES!?

-ALSO HE’S RIGHT ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COUCH NEXT TO LOGAN NAKED, HOW MUCH CAN LOGAN SEE?!

-I’m going to bed. IN THE BUFF. Yes, you’ve stated this before XD

-everyones contributions to the fic

-Pat: I see your point Virgil, but how about this: nobody dies.

-Joan at the end XD Joan should do more ads with Thomas, they’re great.

-Thomas: you just do it XD

-LOGAN APOLOGIZING TO HIS ONESIE! MY FUCKIN ASS YOU HAVE NO FEELINGS YOU'RE APOLOGIZING TO AN INANIMATE OBJECT MY DUDE!

-So this is obviously after DWIT, cause of Remus’ appearances and Logan’s ownage of being called cool. But is it right after? Or is there gonna be a prequel type video next that happens before this and exactly after DWIT?

-Thomas being sad hurts me.

-Did I mention how much I LOVE THAT THEY’RE JUST CHILLING WATCHING A MOVIE HOW OFTEN DO THEY DO THIS!?

-Logan drinking his... coffee? Kinda drinking it. If they taste what Thomas tastes(??) does it happen the other way around? Probably not right? Or is it one of those things where it’s a phantom taste or craving type situation?

-Roman lounging on a bean bag chair in front of an actual chair, yea same.

-BUT ALSO VIRGIL SITTING ON THE BACK OF THE COUCH. I do that too much, or like on the arm.

-Logan just fuckin wearing dress shoes like they’re not just at home on the couch watching a movie.

[quackspot]

ok ok ok o k so its like 4:33 am y’know so that means i talk about fire spirit because thats normal and i totally didnt mean to sleep around 3 o-o 

but liek uh h h lemme think a bit ok so

from the start before he was a spirit (its in my beliefs that he traded his past life for that sexy little bead) he wanted to be STRONG and powerful so fire spirit skidaddled over to the red dragon and BOOM it woketh or maybe he was already a fiery cookie and he burnded the red dragons nose hairs who knows! maybe he just likes to visit every few years and thats why he was expecting a bigger welcome back party 

so like hes growing weaker right? yeah hes kinda alternating between “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I NEED POWER” and “AAAAAAAAAAAAA I HAVE POWER AHAHAHAHA” and he doesnt like that he’d much rather just be him or more powerful because fuckin YEHA POWER 

so this story ends two ways. fire spirit trying to get his powers back and failing (dustyass lord of ass who looks pretty nice frankly i like the colors a lot to be honest but thats just becuase devsis is making me emosexual. it started with crescent moonlight then fire spirit idk about night raven for sure but oh well)

OR 

dark enchantress. hes like “hurr dburr doesnt corruption make you stronger in a way” and ends up getting “corrupted” but instead since hes already so chaotic neutral he only gets stronger (i stole this from another post i probably reblogged) like the person i rb’d mentioned the horn thing that tommy who is big love de mentioned to because tommy loves dark enchantress and thats about all i know about tommy they also love wasabi and its understandable

im not gonna rant and talk about my internet life so ANYWYAS

fire spirit keeps the same runes yeah? so . yeehaw? idk what to make of that i just thought it was interesting how theyre basically all the same. 

frankly dustyass edgelord is my favorite of the two costumes and im glad i had 15,280 guild coins saved up but now im too broke for the jelly set o-o 

do we even get any fire spirit lore or are we watching him almost die in the event 

oh well i guess BUT fire spirit is really prtty in all his forms the least favorite of mine is god of flame but i still love it of course but really could be better. like. yeah thats a lot of fire and i cant handle the heat and its pretty but its bright and im kinda edgy o-o 

so that explains my preference plus im broke on the internet money i have 20 dollars irl might ask my grandma if she can help me buy fire spirit costume 

almost crying every time i see edgy ass his wings have a little capelike thing and its kinda holey and its beautiful and edgy i should edit him with vampire and he also looks sorta confident

so like hes kinda serious in lord of ash BUT hes also still somewhat him y’know? yeah you do

oh my god i just ghouth of big funny

so picture youre dark enchantress, right? off to go corrupt another legendary! BUT 

you cast ur diddly dark magic and....

FIRE SPIRIT LOOKS MORE PURIFIED THAN ANYTHIGN... chaotic good lord of flames  . 

fire spirit is pretty much chaotic neutral all around besides in lord of flames nothing can stop him o-o fdkljsuadiSKJIOFKLSKL JKLFS JKLFJKL SJKLFFJKLSKJL 

OK SO I HAVE COOKIE RUN OPEN RIGHT I KNOW THIS ISN T THE RIGHT TIME BUT HE LEGIT WAS LIKE “finders, keepers! ahaha!”  I LOVE HIM 

god im excited for tomorrow im getting a haircut and i MIGHT ask for the costume if i feel confident enough though i could get rejected.. . .. . 

dont fool around just chill out you might get REJECTED. .. . . .. . . 

OK BACK TO HTE FOCUS HOW THIS TIES IN WITH FIRE SPIRITS OVERALL STORY SO 

ok bear with me 

fire spirit wants to be powerful, of course. from the start. as not fire spirit yet maybe sweet potato but who knows besides himself and maybe devsis idk, he becomes fire spirit! trading off whatever the bored dragon wanted so fire could get stronger. 

also proof of fire spirit being a powerlover is very much in his relationships . knight and wind ! sea fairy’s is about his hair which is “fire” magic i suppose what kind of hair conditioner does he use

ANYWAYS

over time his flames are starting to go wild becuase of all this CORRUPTION in the cookie kingdom and around and its making his magic funky becuase thats just a random thought i just had like what if corruption messed with magic? imagine that. so hes alternating between too weak and too strong and he doesnt understand so he heads to dragons valley all like “heyo whats the answer” but nobodys there

i havent finished the event but hes basically just looting every dragon he’s ever known like what they left behind? his now 

maybe the dragons will come back home.... .. . . pl eas....... i miss them

anywhoodle 

the thing about two possible ends of fire spirit 

the first end is dark enchantress finding him then boom ur corruption only makes him chaotic good instead of chaotic evil 

(chaotic tends to not follow or give regards to law. chaotic good breaks the law for people, neutrals just do whatever they want for themselves, and chaotic evil goes out of their way to hurt others)

so like 

dark enchantress doesnt know how to take this, right? her magic failed her for once. fire spirit is going batshit crazy becuase hes like “WOAHAHAHAHAH HAHHAHH H H HH H H IM STILL SUPER STRONG :OOOO” and then he goes even MORE batshit crazy and maybe burns down a town or something becuase hes going wild from the power but then he calms down 

he’d probably be willing to do things for dark enchantress if it were a deal or something but lord of flames might not go all the way out to kill tree like what the fuck

ALSO

LORD OF ASHES is probably NOT AS WARM AS FIRE SPIRIT who is already somewhat huggable if ur not fuckin uhh water or ice or if u dont like being a little warm ANYWAYS LORD OF ASHES is HUGGABLE becuase being weak makes him cool down and so you can hug the edgelord (which i would totally do if he were real and not a cookie) 

i like to repeat myself a lot but its almost 5 am anywaysy uhhh im going to talk about his personality 

so hes like really energetic of course and very chaotic neutral he just do what he wana do hes like “finders keepers!” and he probably enjoys showing off his power to other cookies. praise makes him more happy than others and he has a very high ego that can only be doused by less power. the more powerful he is, the more egotistical he is. lord of flames is a fucking pain to be around if you dont wanna listen to him brag about accomplishments and thats the only reason he doesnt work for de 

lord of ashes is a downer and kinda sad but he still has a little bit of fire spirit in him hes basically just “you gotta die sometime” but hes not gonna die becuasei  wont allow it hes only allowed to die in a completely comedic way like he tries to hug wind and hten actual wind blows and he gets thanos snapped by the air and wind is like “OH FUCK OH SHIT” and all that’s left as a relic is his gem and wind archer tries to fix it and fails though who knows maybe hes night raven because in hte game night raven came before lord of ashes so???!? !?!? !? ?!? 

night raven walks up to lord of ashes “bitch im going to fucking kill you” then blows lightly and fires just like “oh noooo aww shit here we goooooooooooo again” and hes just a gem now 

maybe fire spirit causes the next mass extinction as lord of flames because hes like “DSKLJFS KLJ*(UJIORWKSFOR IEKANHWOI JSKFN IJDLASKSF IM SO POWERFUL AHAHAH HUAJKAKL JKLA JAH HA HAHL HAH AH HAH HAH HHAH AH HAHAH A *JUMPS INTO A VOLCANO AND BLOWS THE FUCKING WORLD UP*” 

[tumblunni]

Oh fuck i cant stand this

Ive already almost used up my damn mobile data again and i only bought it yesterday. Fuck i want to go home. You guys are like the only comfort i have here and i dunno what im gonna do when i cant message you again

Fuckin hell stupid shit day! I was supposed to go to a therapy class thing today but the stupid bus went past where my abusive father lives and i had a MASSIVE FREAKOUT and had to go home and then ofcourse to go home you have to go back on the stupid same bus!! I fuckib failed and wasted the doctor's time and he had to grab me to stop me from running off the bus crying and back to fuckin hell dad's house because im shit and i deserve everything he ever did to me

AND THEN fuckin same doctor continues the relentless constant tide of everyone misgendering me and making crass transphobic jokes

"You see you've gotta understand the other opinion" he says, as if trans people werent fuckin raised SURROUNDED by cis people's predjudiced opinion of us and taught it was fact. As if it didnt take me SO MUCH WORK to even become confident enough to stand up for myself! I've gotta see the 'other opinion' that "yknow well families and children use public bathrooms and theyre scared trans people will molest their children so its understandable they want to kick you out or even act violent to you". Yknow the OTHER OPINION that MY OPINION DOESNT MATTER and also MY ENTIRE EXISTANCE IS A CRIME but i'm the one being predjudiced for not accepting that OPINION, right?! Im here trying to tell him that no that isnt rational because there have been LITERALLY NO RECORDED CASES of trans people molesting children in public bathrooms, or even "evil men faking being trans" to do the same thing. There's been more cases of actual cis men breaking into women's bathrooms to drag women out for merely LOOKING trans. More cis women have been harassed because of anti trans laws than they ever did before! But hey "respect that other opinion", right? And also "at least its not as bad as russia" and "but gay pride is everywhere now, that one footballer had rainbow shoelaces." Hey wow i never noticed that not only was homophobia totally over but also transphobia was remotely related to that! Wow! I seriously had to bring out the fuckin 1600s historical investigation on pre-british olde englishe that showed the existance of a gender neutral pronoun before the word "he" ever existed, and the existance of transgender pride and pronoun discussions in the 1800s before the word transgender was even popularized. I cant believe i fuckin had to do a 'show your sources that queer people existed before the internet' IN REAL LIFE. WITH A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL. I can point at the damn NHS website but nooooo!

Oh and yknow what got me the most? YKNOW WHAT GOT ME THE MOST?? "We have sick people here, you cant expect them to remember stuff like that. Dont ruin their recovery by bringing up stuff like that." Like..fuckin..IM A FUCKIN PATIENT TOO. I wasnt even asking the other patients to stop hurting me i was asking you the staff to maybe consider it! And seriously you want me to be so super ultra perpetually prepared and perpetually rational and able to keep my existance secret and out of every conversation yet theyre too ill to learn about lgbt people existing? Just a sentence would be too painful? And me living every day being misgendered doesnt impact my ability to recover at all, eh? Fuckin shitting fuck hell.

And i hate it i HATE IT because he's being nice so i'll be the bad guy if i complain. Likehe fuckin..doesnt even know he's being rude and doesnt want to consider the idea. He says 'i dont like your tone' if i suggest the concept and FUCK in that moment i was so fuckin scared he was gonna hit me like my dad did. Or at tge very least kick me out of the hospital if i dont cooperate with him. He just fuckin..thinks he's perfectly unbiased and accepts everyone and "oh but i like to make fun of everyone equally". And i even fuckin raised the subject that people who say that often only make fun of minorities and never themselves, the majority, or major power structures. And he's just like 'yeah yeh i hate people like that'. Whoosh. Rigjt over the head. God i wasnt even TRYING to be passive aggressive i was trying tk outright tell him why what he said was upsetting me but NOPE. Trying to explain how its just so hard and tiring to have to verrrrrry patientlyyyyy explain yourself to EVERYONE EVERY DAY CONSTANTLY while they sling loads of rude words at you and it should be just allowed because they 'dont know better'. Like you ask me to educate you but at the same time im rude if i actually tell you?? And god i also tried to explain how the fuckin bathroom violence thing isnt an example of 'educating another opinion' AGAIN by saying like... If someone just asked me to explain being transgender i would. If someone just said they were uncomfortable i would leave. That's 'another opinion'. Reacting with slurs and violence to a trans person existing and not doing anything to you is not 'another opinion' and its not someone who 'just didnt know'. He was seriously trying to argue that it WASNT BIGOTED it was just someone rationally being afraid for their children because of a danger that doesnt exist, and rationally reacting with extreme violence rather than doing anything else. Rationally. RATIONALLY. oh just MISTAKENLY committing a hate crime! Cos they just didnt know trans people exist! Not cos they hate us! Oh no! Yeah sure we totally have a fucking DUTY to educate these POOR UNKNOWING PEOPLE while theyre attacking us, and its our damn fault if we didnt...

And just fucking FUCK i hate how someone can say all that stuff and still be "nice" and still not hate me personally? Like its so messed up?? He's not anti trans or anything he just has so much more damn sympathy for cis people than trans people, and puts all the onus on us to somehow prevent our own murders. And he thinks that "i dont have a problem with trans people" means doing LITERALLY NOTHING to change your behaviour to make trans people feel accepted. They should just magically know that your jokes are jokes when theyre surrounded by so many people saying it honestly, in CONSTANT FEAR OF THAT EXACT THING LEADING TO VIOLENCE. And like in order to be "a guy who has no problem with trans people" he has to do nothing, while in order for me to be not bigoted against HIM it means i have to never get offended by his jokes and also never talk about myself and also constantly educate him about things because he doesnt want to learn, even though he works in a hospital thats supposed to have an anti discrimination policy. Like fuckin just NOT HURTING LGBT PEOPLE doesnt make you discrimination free, shit like telling me to misgender myself because my pronouns would confuse the other patients is kinda fuckin fucked up. Also "that's a question for later" is all i CONSTANTLY get when it comes to talking about legal name changes or therapy or even just talking to an lgbt support group. I have to wait until i stop being depressed because oh no im talking about too many mental illnesses at once. Its been seven years and i havent fuckin stopped being depressed, bitch! Ever consider a fuckin symptom of gender dysphoria is a big ol fat depression!!! And just gahhhhh he was so fuckin baffled and angry that i would dare to get emotional about the subject?? Like he just saw DEBATING WHETHER TRANS PEOPLE ARE REAL and WHETHER PEOPLE WHO MURDER THEM FOR USING THE BATHROOM ARE JUSTIFIED as a perfectly normal casual discussion that a Non Transphobic Man could have with his transgender friend. Why oh why would i cry about this casual hypothetical discussion? Hey its not like it fuckin affects me directly! "Well its never happened to you right?" A Ha Ha Ha Ha. Also fuckin "so which bathroom do you use?" and "well you're not really transgender if youre not getting the surgery-oh wait you do want the surgery? How does that work then?" I swear i could just see the gears turning in his head and he was about to say "do you want both down there". Gahhhhhh *cringes myself into a tiny tumbleweed and blows away*

Also the entire time he kept calling being trans a sexuality and also asexuality. "No youre not trans youre asexual right?" Yeah sure ive just been saying im trans and saying im not a girl and wearing a chest binder and talking this entire conversation about my experiences as a trans person in public bathrooms just to pull an elaborate prank on you. And like i know what he meant is that he thought the word for nonbinary was asexual (has asexuality REALLY made so little progress towards getting into the sex ed curriculum in the entire 25 years of my life?) But like seriously he was like "youre not really trans if youre nonbinary". And then fuck dude i dont wanna explain how surgery works to you!! And especially not also my entirely unrelated sexuality that has entirely different equally upsetting predjudices!

Ans gahhhh fuck i just got no sympathy for crying and he acted as if it was just some wildly unexpected occurance he never could have predicted. And i hate it cos he's nice to me whenever the subject is about anything else. I cant get any symoathey from ANYONE because he's A NICE GUY and why dont i just understaaaaaand other opinionnnnnns

I wanted to fuckin quit this whole thing on the spot and go home. Only reason i cant is because my support worker is off work until thursday auauauaughhh

Fuck at least one positive i guess is that ive made progress in the social anxiety or at least gotten better at giving the impression im making progress. Cos i want to LEAVE AS FAST AS POSSIBLE. And also fuck all my other worries seem less suicide-inducing when im actually getting the closest ive ever been to killing myself on a daily basis because of a stupid other thing that i never could have predicted. Go here for one form of self hate, come home with another! Yayyyyy

And fuck i havent even made a single bit of progress on drawing or writing anything and i cant practise making ganes cos my laptop cant run rpgmaker and i havent even started reading my giant pile of books cos they fuckin LOOK THROUGH THE WINDOW EVERY SINGLE HOUR TO MAKE SURE YOU AINT KILLED YOURSELF. i have no fuckin pribacy and its making me wanna kill myself even more!! I just live constantly on edge looking at the fuckin door window and i cant even do anything to distract myself because im too scared of them looking at me!! Or barging in at no notice to tell me i have to do some big stressful thing RIGHT NOW because i dont even get advance notice of anything aaaa! And fuck i dont have anywhere to go to even calm down from a panic attack cos i have no privacy so at least im getting over being scared of going outside cos outside is the only place i can go to cry. Fuckin strangers in the crowd at least wont cause shit if they see me.

Fuck i want to go home. Fuck i wish i had enough money to keep buying mobile internet. Its like fuckin 750mb a day to run tumblr but its all ive got to talk to any person who doesnt hate me or patronize me or think im faking a bunch of shit or whatever the fuck. And im not even any fun to be around when im like this so im probably just ruining your day too. And im probably gonna vanish again soon and then just go back to crying alone and getting worse and probably never being able to leave

I knew it was gonna be stressdul but i didnt predict any of this.. I just wanna fuckin die. I wanted to jump out the car and go to my old dad's house and have him pull open the door and slap me around a bit. Like call me a fucking dyke, call me a sick retard, be honest about your feelings! I'd fuckin take being abused over this "oh youre the bad one for being mad because i had goooood intentions" reverse psychology bigotry from hell. Either these people are evil geniuses or theyre even more stupid like me. Fuckin shit dad please manifest in my room and slap me, killing me instantly. I feel like being scared of you would at least be a faster emotion than this nebulous sensation of confusing unease and dysphoria 24/7 for 6 fuckin months. One week done, haha! Hahahabahahahahahahahahahahahahshahahahahahshshshahshahahahhahahaaaa