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egle0702 · 10 months

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[TRANS] Wooyoung’s Records Talk 『Off the record』 FULL (5 parts)

WOOYOUNG'S RECORDS TALK #1

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Hello, everyone. It’s been a while. This is 2PM’s Wooyoung.

I’ve been waiting for this moment.

I’ve really missed you.

Q. How do you feel about releasing an album after 5 years and a half?

A. I’m nervous. I’m very happy that I got to release an album and go on a concert tour. I’ve made that album and concert with you all constantly on my mind. Please take your time to enjoy it all.

01. From Here

Q. Please introduce the song.

A. In this album, From Here is a song with the biggest amount of Hip Hop elements. Also, at some point, both in Korea and Japan, I wanted to write song lyrics that would reflect my own stories and my own values that influence the way I look at the world. So, this personal ambition to add at least one such song in every release grew. And in this album, From Here will be that song that contains my personal confession like my own individual diary.

Q. Why did you choose it as the first track in the album?

A. Just like the song’s title says, it sort of means that From Here something begins again. And in the chorus, you can hear the lines “From here, from me” repeated many times. That also means that from this point in time, 2023 June 7th, I begin anew again. Meaning that my own personal music story, activities start from here, from me.

Q. Any behind the scenes of this song’s production process?

A. I got to work on From Here’s track with a composer called RAUDI. It was our first time working together. I was the one to contact them first, asking whether they could send me a beat that would suit me. And it was one of the tracks they sent me, and I somehow wanted to listen to it again and again. I also got to think that I would have a lot of stories to tell to that kind of music. And seeing how I kept on listening to it every day, I thought that for this album, I definitely have to work towards adding a song that would contain my own story.

It was to the point that there was no need to fix anything much. In order to save that basic calm hip hop feeling from the track’s beat, so that the fans would feel it the way I felt it, we kept it intact the way it was, and I just added my own melody and lyrics on top of it.

Q. Any episodes during the recording?

A. I invested a lot of time in working on the title track, so there wasn’t enough time to work properly on any of the B-sides. So… I don’t think I’ve ever done that before… I ended up recording in the studio all by myself. Usually, the composer you work with stays with you in the studio for recording, but I recorded this song all by myself. I only had simple consultation with the Japanese lyricist to help me with my pronunciation. So, this song was produced very fast in a rather minimalist way.

Q. Any episodes while preparing for the tour?

A. At first, I wanted to start my concert with this song. In my own opinion… It has my own personal story, and it could also be the most important story for me, so I thought it should be the first song I introduce to the fans, too. However, as I got more ideas and thoughts about the concert composition, I thought of where else I could find an important starting point. And when I realized that I could start the encore with it, I switched the concert track list.

Q. How do you want everyone to feel when they listen to this song?

A. Rather than carrying some profound message, I wrote this song thinking that perhaps the fans might feel the same. No matter how much I communicate with my fans through my albums or SNS, they can’t really see my actual diary. So, as long as I don’t open my own diary and read it out loud, the only way to convey something I have as a person, or my thoughts when I look back on the days past, is through music. So, I decided to put it into a song, and this song is the result of it. So rather than accepting it with heavy hearts, I hope the fans would comfortably take it as listening to my own little trivial story, thinking like “Ah, this is what Jang Wooyoung’s been thinking over the years,” “This is what he wants to do in the future.”

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WOOYOUNG'S RECORDS TALK #2

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02. Off the Record

Q. Please introduce the song.

A. First of all, the base of Off the Record is the new jack swing genre. When I think about new jack swing, it’s a genre with a very distinct dance and image, a distinct colour, so even though I like the music itself, I didn’t want to make into a purely new jack sing song. So, I wondered how I could add a little bit of hip hop into it, how I could add a little bit of dance into it. What I should do to give some retro feel… Therefore, when I fused those three together, I wondered whether I could alter it into something classic. And this is how this title track was made.

Q. Tell us the reason Off the Record, the song released for the first time in 5 years and a half, became the album’s theme.

A. Whenever I’m writing a song, I worry about the same things. For instance, what will feel fresh, what will feel new? But no matter how much I worry, how much I think, now matter how many sleepless nights I spend, at the end of the day, while most of the things I work on are more or less similar, I think the difference lies in my own thoughts and my own colour each song reflects.

So, how can I be the closest to my fans right now? This sincerity that comes straight from my heart, what would be the best way to show it? I focused on this. And the answer was going closer. I thought about things we could talk about when I got closer to them. Our own story. I thought about how I could express this mutual time that belonged to us. So, I reached the keyword of a secret story, and after thinking about it, I didn’t want to do anything too serious. I wanted to use something light, a daily language, and that’s how the phrase “off the record” came to me. And that’s how the keyword “This off the record” came to be. I started from there.

Q. Any behind the scenes of this song’s production process?

A. I ate and slept in the studio for 3 weeks, and went home just to wash up. Like, when I had work in between, I would go home to take a shower and then leave. It really was like that. For about 3 weeks. I don’t think I’ve ever spent that much time at the studio before. Although I like staying at the studio, as time went by, I realized it’s suddenly been 3 weeks.

To be honest, when you’re writing a song, it might take a year or two, but with this pressure and desire to do well… The point is that I didn’t want to compromise, I didn’t want to take the easy way… so the process ended up being like this.

Q. Any episodes during the recording?

A. As far as this song is concerned, there weren’t that many issues. It’s just that the process took over 3 weeks, it took me quite a long time to record the guide for the song. Since it didn’t come out the way I wanted, I kept on recording the song while practicing at the same time. So, the actual recording went smoothly. Since the equipment in the recording studio is way better than in my own studio, it’s clear that I would’ve used the version recorded in the recording studio, but I sometimes use the guide version as well. Because there are times when you can’t emulate the feeling that is recorded in the guide version.

But right before the chorus, there’s this phrase in the song that goes “What do you think?” And I couldn’t get this good feeling for “What do you think?” after the 2nd verse. So that one part in the final song, the “What do you think?” question after the 2nd verse is from my own guide version. Such instances are quite common when you work on music.

Q. How did you try to express this song in dance?

A. I worried a lot, to be honest. Since it’s been such a long while, I felt a bit awkward, too. Wondering, how I should approach this… But it assembled quite well like a puzzle, picking the parts that I liked from various choreography videos. It felt like connecting things, like in Tetris, and we were able to come up with a really decent choreography.

Q. About the Music Video.

A. As far as the music video is concerned, I wanted it to have as little explanations as possible. I wanted to just display me as a person through simple visuals that would make me look good and nice. Just as with the Off the Record’s production process, visually, I just wanted to focus on harmonious stance in the centre of things. Taking this mood as the base, I also wanted it to have me moving a lot, be it the choreography, freestyling, or lip syncing. I just wanted it to be a music video that puts emphasis on the basic things. That’s how we worked on it.

Q. Any episodes while preparing for the tour?

A. As far as this song is concerned, I wasn’t too worried about its performance on stage. The thing is that starting with the jacket photo shoot to the music video, all visual things related to it like the background, outfits, hair and make-up; everything that I could show visually, I was really satisfied with every single element. So, when it came to thinking about how I should present myself visually for Off the Record in a concert, that was really my last concern.

Therefore, with the stylist team we thought about what I should wear on the stage. Because when it comes to a concert, it’s not just about Off the Record, so the question was, how do I show Off the Record without disrupting the flow of the other song, how do I fit them all together. Thus, looking from the concert’s perspective, it was the first time I brought a song with such mood, so I paid a lot attention to it, and it was the hardest part, I think.

Q. How do you want everyone to feel when they listen to this song?

A. I hope that for the fans it will be the kind of music they can listen when they’re on their way to work, when they’re in the middle of working, or when they rest on a weekend and they go somewhere for a walk, go for a drive; basically, when they spend some personal time – I wish they could listen to it comfortably while feeling the rhythm, feeling the summer breeze on their faces, enjoying their free time. I hope it’s the kind of song that allows the fans to find that little bit of freedom in their everyday lives because that’s the kind of groove and bounce I had in mind while making it. I hope the song takes on such a role.

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WOOYOUNG'S RECORDS TALK #3

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03. Season 2

Q. Please introduce the song.

A. Season 2 comes with a basic reggae beat, but since the rhythm was used in a very easy and simple way, there’s nothing complicated as far as the genre is concerned. We tried to avoid provoking any like-dislike dispute that would’ve arisen if the genre elements had gotten too heavy. So, to avoid that from happening, I focused on this summer feeling, so the listener would be able to feel more the lyrics and the melody. Like a seaside on a summer night. The breeze you feel in front of the sea. I worked for that kind of feeling.

Q. Any behind the scenes of this song’s production process?

A. One day I was at my studio, and composer Super Changddai’s studio is right next to mine. His door was open and I could hear a certain beat. I really, really liked it and I asked him to send it for me, even if it were just a tiny bit of the beat. Or give me the entire piece. Either way, I pestered him about it.

So, I was listening to it for a few days, and I think it was around 2 weeks in that the song was complete. Whenever I listened to the track, I got to think about this happy significant other, about this loving relationship where both people are on great terms with each other. Like, even if the time goes by, we still like each other, you still make my heart flutter – I was wondering how I could express that kind of feeling. And you know how these days TV series and movies tend to have seasons, right? Hence the word “season” came to me quite naturally, too. Like, season 1 was successful, and now we’re at season 2. You know, you usually get to season 2 only if season 1 goes well, right? And if season 2 is successful, you’ll get to season 3. I thought of this kind of positive effect.

Ah, so let’s say we have this special someone you met last summer, and that summer was season 1. And now that you’ve reached this summer, a year later, you’ve spent all this time really well, and I got the idea that continuously, this summer can be like season 2. I thought that Season 2 was a good keyword and from there, and the song was complete within 1 or 2 hours like vroom.

Q. Any episodes during the recording?

A. I was really ambitious about this song. Compared to my Korean guide version, I actually wasn’t as satisfied with the final recorded version. But when that happens, there’s someone more professional than me nearby, and in this case, there were staff members whose opinion I just had to take into consideration. Back then, Super Changddai said that if I didn’t like it, of course, we could record it again, but first, let’s try and do something about it from the technical perspective. And as we did some tuning and mixing, the final result got better and better. Of course, if the original source is good, the song comes out well. And since I really wanted to show the fans that original feeling I felt while listening to the track, I think the production process was slightly silly. But, well, since the final result still came out the way I wanted… It’s a song that I became comfortable with in the middle of working on it.

Q. Any episodes while preparing for the tour?

A. When you look at the overall stage set for this concert, I think this song is probably the track that influenced the stage setting the most. When I was thinking about its performance, I imagined inviting the fans to my own seaside. I included by favourite colour blue on stage, without it becoming overbearing. I wanted it to resemble the sky that gets reflected on a river or a sea. I aimed for something refreshing, this refreshing summer feeling. So, the image that I had in my mind while making Season 2 was really strong, and the song helped me a lot when I had to come up with the stage image.

Q. How do you want everyone to feel when they listen to this song?

A. I hope that this song feels like a refreshing cold drink or ice-cream on a hot and humid summer day.

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WOOYOUNG'S RECORDS TALK #4

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04. Just Be You

Q. Please introduce the song.

A. When it comes to Just Be You, when I was thinking about the fans, I wondered how I could convey the most positive message to them. How I could give them strength. From this, I ended up writing Just Be You. Also, it’s something that the fans often tell me. Either through the SNS or through letters, they often tell me, “Wooyoung, I like you just the way you are.” I think this is exactly what inspired me.

Q. Any behind the scenes of this song’s production process?

A. I wrote this song before enlisting in the military service. I wrote it thinking it’d be nice to include it in an album in the future, to tell such story to my fans. So, it’s a very old song. Hence, in order to not sound old or corny, there were some things that required editing and tweaking. For that, my best friend composer Super Changddai worked a lot on it to make it sound new and fresh.

Q. Any episodes during the recording?

A. Since this is a song for the fans, there is this part in the final verse, where I’m having a give and take with the fans. I say “Are you okay?” and the Hottest go “Yes, I’m OK.” This kind of exchange. Rather than using some other female backing vocalist, I was wondering whether I could find some other interesting element for it. Some kind of element that, later on, we could make into an unforgettable memory. So, I asked RIMA from NiziU for a favour. I know that she’s really good at rapping. That she has a rather unique voice with a certain character. And since there was no way to record Hottest’s voices at the time, I wanted her to stand in for the Hottest role and have this small exchange with me. That was my difficult request.

It must’ve been a hard mission for RIMA, too. Although it was a very small part, she practiced a lot for it. To be honest, it was a bit embarrassing to ask for such a favour when the part was just that. I said “RIMA, your voice is going to substitute for our fans, Hottest. It’s a very important part.”

RIMA worked really hard on it, and musically the song was complete well. And… Then our recording studio engineers, JYP JAPAN and Sony Music staff… All of their voices are in this song. There’s a thing called “chants” or “sing along.” I needed a sing along, so I asked everyone who was there at the time for a favour. Like, “Would you mind doing it together?” They all entered the recording studio, and 7 or 8 people recorded it while constantly changing their positions. I think they must’ve been really flustered, but they gladly agreed to do it.

So, the production process itself was really fun, I received a lot of help from the nice members of staff around me.

Q. Any episodes while preparing for the tour?

A. I made the song while thinking about the fans, but musically, the fans were supposed to hear it for the first time. So, since the fans would be hearing the song for the first time, they would’ve been flustered if I suddenly asked them to jump along. Hence, I decided to make it into a stage where I show what the song is like, by working the most on the choreography as the base of the song’s performance.

Q. What kind of thoughts does this fan-song carry?

A. This song’s lyrics carry the image of someone extremely lovely, who is watching someone they love and find them just as lovely, very cute and pretty. And because their feelings get reflected, it makes one’s heart flutter even more, and both sides give each other strength. So, when the fans feel tired or worn out, frustrated or when they find themselves in a difficult situation, I hope this song gives them at least a little bit of comfort. I hope the song’s message, “you all are enough just the way you are” reaches them.

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WOOYOUNG'S RECORDS TALK #5

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5. Kimi no betsu no namae (Your other name)

Q. Please introduce the song.

A. From the musical element’s perspective, I don’t think this song matches the current generation well. However, it is definitely a dance song with a retro feel. Ever since I started working on it, I think I just wanted to make a dance song with this kind of retro vibe. Not a refined composition appropriate for nowadays, but a song that brings back the past vibe. You know, like generational musical. Something that would make you think about generational music with strong retro vibes. I wanted to make that kind of a dance song. So, in a sense, it might not feel fresh, and some might say that it’s not sophisticated, but it’s a song I stubbornly wanted to make.

Q. This song comes with a Japanese title. What kind of thoughts did you want to include there?

A. For someone who dances, after Off the Record, this is like a 2nd title song for me. I always… well, this will apply to many other singers, whenever you release an album after an album, the hardest thing is to come up with what you want to show next by keeping in mind what you’ve already shown. Before you think of what kind of music you want to make, you have to come up with the image you want to show. And when you worry about things like that, especially from a dancer’s perspective, it’s really hard to come up with the kind of dance you want to show, the kind of dance music you want to create. So, from the point of these musical concerns, it’s a song that I rather egoistically pushed forward. There was no way it could’ve become a title track *chuckles* but it felt like it might get some limelight one day; it carries my own K-pop feel. My own ambition.

Q. Any episodes during the recording?

A. I thought I’d be done with the song really easily. I was recording every day, and while working on other songs, I couldn’t schedule recording for this one. So, I ended up working overtime for the editing and tweaking, working overtime with the engineers. I recorded it in between other things. After recording it once, I wasn’t satisfied with the final result, so I re-recorded it. So, this song took some effort to complete.

Q. How did you try to express the song in the choreography?

A. I told my performance directing team, it would be great if it gave off the old-days’ vibe, although I didn’t know exactly which old-days I was talking about… But I just wanted it to have this dance song, this dance idol feel. I put a lot of pressure on them saying it should have this feeling with no compromises or excuses. So, the choreography in the chorus was built in order for it to resemble something from the old days.

Q. How do you want people to feel when they listen to this song?

A. This song might feel a little bit serious, but it’s a song that reminds you of a confession to the person you love. So, just imagine me dance for the first time in a long while, and I hope you receive strength from this song when you need some energy, hope you feel excited and energized.

Message to Hottest

This is a special album, Off the Record, that came out for the first time in a long while. If the songs from this album give you strength in your everyday life, I will be satisfied. In order for you to feel my intentions I will work hard on my activities until the end. I will also try to make the concerts an enjoyable experience for you all. I am always working hard for you all. These sentiments are also present in this album. Enjoy listening to the album*. Bye bye~ Annyeong~

*T/N.: Here he said “work hard,” and the Japanese subs had additional explanatory parentheses: “(Everyone, work hard on listening to the album too).”

Kor-Eng: Egle0702 (+ a tiny bit of Japanese)

#Wooyoung #2pm #off the record #wooyoung's records talk #translation #wooyoung interview #wooyoung off the record

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tiptapricot · 1 year

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4, 12 and 20 for Moses!

OHHHFGG these r rlly good ones o boy…

4. Has your character ever witnessed something that fundamentally changed them? If so, does anyone else know?

Moses has witnessed a lot that’s changed him, so I’ll give some snapshots from diff points in life, though I can not go fully in depth bc it. Would end up being way too long.

After being sent away by his mother to survive outside of the life she was able to give him, he returned to find his childhood home was now owned by another family. Which he should’ve expected, but something about realizing there was no Thing to return to, no people and no place, really changed his view on nostalgia and connection and in a lot of ways made him feel even more bitter about memories he’d kept as comforting ones, because if there was no way to revisit that feeling concretely, what was the point? He doesn’t talk about his childhood or his early life anyone. Some things may have ended up in songs in an abstract sense but he refuses to talk about it solidly, even if things still cling to him.

Seeing Antez and Romero for the first time, seeing Antez break into something otherworldly and perhaps even eat someone was a profound moment of fear and belonging and revelation for him. It solidified who they were to him, what they were, and gave this sick release of any need to hide or to quell violent urges that alienated him from others. They know that, not because he’s talked about it but because his awe is palpable and they can tell he enjoys their physicality a lot.

Further in the future, Moses meets another trans man solidly, truly, and it causes such a profound and complicated explosion of worldview that he makes some very very bad choices and is unable to regulate his feelings. Everyone knows about this, because it causes a disaster.

12. In what situation was your character the most calm they’ve ever been?

The night he performed his own top surgery was frantic and emotional and intense, a buzzing desperate thing that needed to happen. But the morning after… even aching and healing and bandaged and tired and nauseous… the relief was so potent. And it was also probably from blood loss, but he was so tired and calm and happy… He gets smaller moments still. His brain is fast and paranoid but he finds lulls while working on writing music, or sitting on Antez and Romero’s porch, or feeling the touring carriage jostle around him when his thoughts just smooth and quiet, and he gets to be.

20. In what ways does your character compare themselves to others? Do they do this for the sake of self-validation or self-criticism?

Moses is constantly comparing for both reasons. He’s comparing himself to men around him, critical of his own performance of gender and whether or not people can tell he isn’t the “right” kind of man or not, and this often falls into self-criticism and hate. But he also compares himself to other singers and performers, to critics and people who have reached success with a vitriolic kind of tearing down that boosts his ego and makes him extremely confidant in himself. He often swings between extremes, and is constantly aware of himself and those around him and the state of his own performance of personhood.

I think one of the best moments of self reflection and comparison has come from his connection with Romero, of getting to find intimacy with someone else who doesn’t show skin and who has a feeling of separation from others. That ends up funky in some ways as it furthers Moses’s sense of humanity from himself, but it’s not inherently toxic, and gives him a similar-ish experience for awhile that makes him feel less alone, and even desired for his state of self.

Send me a character developing OC ask!

#yeah…. this guy has thoughts in him #moses tag #the fruits ocs #the fruit is answering again #the fruit is talking again

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southbound-in-the-sky · 2 years

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ON HEARTSTOPPER

Ever since the show's release, there are memes going around on Twitter, with queer people assigning a piece of LGBTQ+ media they grew up with as their Heartstopper. Luckily for me, and for other queer kids and teenagers, my Heartstopper is, well, Heartstopper.

The comic was first published on Tumblr back in 2016 but the characters of Nick and Charlie were much, much older, appearing in Alice Oseman's debut YA novel Solitaire. I didn't know why and how I stumbled upon Heartstopper, but I have been reading a lot of LGBTQ-themed young adult novels at that point and my then-newfound love of graphic novels was already introduced by N.D. Stevenson's Nimona. It had a lot of things that appealed to me – teenage kids, a sensetive look at queerness, fast-paced plot and dialogue – and so I downloaded it and read it. It was a moment of a lifetime.

By then, I probably never realized that it was integral to my discovery of my identity. I was only at Volume 1, just a short narrative of Nick and Charlie's friendship until they inevitably kissed at the end. But it made me feel warm and happy. I never really knew exactly when I started reading it. I looked through the downloaded files on my phone and discovered I saved the first volume just a week before my fifteenth birthday.

At that point, I was starting to come to terms with the fact that I liked girls. I had a crush on this girl a year or so before I started reading Heartstopper, but I never realized what the feeling was until the new school year came. It was terrifying – it kept me up at night, it made me wonder if the signs have been there all along, it made me realize that the fluttering heat in your stomach and the sheer willingness to make your friend happy are not normal experiences of a stone-cold heterosexual.

I found company in books (I was always a massive bookworm). I watched coming-out videos on YouTube. I talked, in some depth, about queerness with my friends. I listened to Hayley Kiyoko, Troye Sivan, King Princess. I had a standard queer realization – cute girl sits next to me, I realize that my identity wasn't I thought it was, I blast Girls Like Girls to myself when I'm alone.

And Heartstopper showed all of that -- all the messy, confusing, and hopeful parts of queer discovery.

Nick thought he was straight his whole life – until he got sat next to openly gay, anxious Charlie. He took 'Am I Gay?' quizzes in the darkness of his bedroom. Nick struggled to fit in his idea of what queerness is until he managed to find his place and label his identity.

I admit, I have only recently gotten aware of the parallels between my life and Heartstopper. I just realized how Heartstopper has been pivotal to my own coming-of-age, to my own anxieties about my identity, to my own Nick-like moments of discovering my sexuality.

Heartstopper transcends beyond the 'boy-meets-boy' narrative that most YA queer novels have, even though the comic is marketed as such. I'm not saying that cute budding gay relationships are not important -- they are and more should be made -- but Heartstopper simply touched on many things and issues that I never anticipated. This was probably the first time I read about a non-white trans girl whose story is not marred by trauma and despair. There is a steady, lesbian couple who, although facing homophobia from peers and classmates, stood strong by each other until the very end. There are accepting teachers and parents and siblings. There is a nuanced discussion about mental health and eating disorders as the comic progresses. There are wholesome, fluffy plotlines -- I do, in fact, think that those are the lifeblood of the comic -- interpersed with realistic, hurtful scenarios, like an abusive closeted boyfriend, school bullies, homophobic family members, and struggles with one's own mental and physical health.

Heartstopper is brilliant, from an objective, comic-making perspective, but it's also emotionally impactful to the people who read it, especially LGBTQ+ children who are still having a difficult time in finding their own place in the world.

For something that tells experiences that are so specific -- Oseman grew up in southeast England, and Heartstopper is set in the same town, schools, and environment -- Heartstopper is massively relatable. I was -- still am -- a teenage kid who moved to a bustling city and studied in a large public high school in the Philippines. The Heartstopper kids studied in same-gendered private grammar schools in a relatively small town in England. Still, Tao's words to Charlie at the beginning of the comic and the show, telling him that Nick is straight and should let go of his hopeless crush on him, mirrored the same speech one of my friends gave to me when I told them of my own hopeless crush on another girl. Despite of the fact that our reasons of changing schools are obviously different, I empathized with Elle and the difficulty she faced in finding friends in a new environment. I found kinship in Nick in regards to working on his sexuality. I felt my feelings echoed when Darcy said she "liked girls a bit more than she's supposed to". Tara's feelings after coming out was painful and heart-achingly relatable. I even found Isaac's (one of the new characters Oseman made for the Netflix adaptation) occassional disinterest hilarious and 'me-coded', as the "kids" on Twitter would say.

Tao spoke to me the most, however. For someone who is the only cisgender and heterosexual member of their immediate friend group, Tao's uneasiness towards change and his brash overprotectiveness over his friends resonated to me a lot.

I think that's part of the beauty and charm of Heartstopper. Sometimes you directly related to one of the characters and the struggles they faced and the happiness they earned, but I personally found bits of myself scattered throughout the comic, the show, and the characters. It's oftentimes funny and, in a few moments, gutting -- I have heard homophobic tirades from older schoolmates against a friend of mine, and I had no idea what to do or what to say. Classic, Catholic homophobia still resides within our school, a different flavor than what was shown in Heartstopper, but still, as usual, brings the same element of hate and incites a wavering feeling of guilt and anger within queer students. Only just recently, I've read a homophobic speech from a batchmate of mine, hidden under the guise of preserving the sanctity of marriage.

Queerness can feel isolating. I have spoken about crushes and attractions on other girls with friends -- I even alluded to those on my own Twitter posts as I had gotten more comfortable -- but I have never really said anything about how alienating it is to be young and Filipino and queer. I'm sure a lot of my friends relate, but these discussions of our intermingling identities are a bit too deep for a bunch of kids who haven't even graduated high school yet. I went on a panic when my father was moments away on discovering that Girls Like Girls was playing on my phone. I felt a deep sense of melancholy as I watched my straight classmates just openly declare their crushes out loud, with no fear of weird stares from onlookers. Just around a year ago, I became withdrawn when a friend mentioned briefly that I liked girls online to complete strangers, when I was still insecure about my identity. And I had no one to talk to about those things.

Heartstopper is one of things that could save people from the feeling of loneliness. Authentic queer media is already so rare, and optimistic, teen-focused narratives are even rarer. It provides a grounded look on what it means to be a part of the LGBTQ+ community, where kids find strength within themselves and amongst their friends. 'Heartstopper' doesn't have a grandiose coming-out-moment with Nick. It doesn't have romantic gestures as big as the Eiffel Tower. It doesn't wallow in gritty events and let the characters be unnecessarily traumatized and hurt. Despite the fact that Heartstopper feels "smaller" than most teenage-oriented media, it still captures the overwhelming feeling of "every little thing is important when you're a teenager". Nick coming out to his mother as bisexual is a quiet and peaceful and loving affair, but it's also freeing and liberating and an important step into his acceptance of himself. Even quaint milkshake triple-dates are crucial events, especially when five out of the six attendees are not completely cis and heterosexual. Queer people being allowed to live silent, tranquil lives is, personally, one of the biggest and powerful statements Heartstopper has to offer.

I'm just idly waiting for the announcement of the season two renewal of 'Heartstopper', rewatching my favorite bits of the show. I am but a simple Heartstopper fan, anyway, and there are people who can provide more impactful analyses and anecdotes about the show and the comic. Still, it's a bit of a relief to talk about these feelings for a while, like I finally let myself exhale for a long, long time. Perhaps I needed a show like Heartstopper to finally accept these emotions within myself, to process the experiences that made me me these past few years.

Heartstopper is not the end-all, be-all beacon of queer representation in media -- it still centers around two British middle-class cis white boys -- but it definitely is a step in the right direction. There are still more stories to mold, to tell, to take flight. Positively speaking, we can only really go up from here -- and I hope those stories become the Heartstopper of other, younger queer kids.

I wrote this months ago (probably obvious because of the "season 2 waiting" bit LMAO since Heartstopper has been renewed for two more seasons) but I think it deserves to be posted!

#heartstopper #thoughts

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treesap-blogs · 1 year

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GUYS IM SORRY THIS REVIEW IS GOING UP LATE you’ll eventually see why lmao! “Cemetery Boys” by Aiden Thomas review!

Hello, Tumblrians! Because I’m trying to make sure practically all of my Goodreads finished books are covered here, there’s an overwhelmingly high number of reviews that are going to be published this week! Sorry :(! BUT!!! At least my reading queue is being cleared up for the end of the month (which you can attribute to me just wanting to be orderly but is actually related to the release of The Wicked Bargain by Gabe Cole Novoa)(who was?? In the acknowledgements for this book actually?? Are the authors friends or something?). Broskis I was so excited for Cemetery Boys because I’ve been wanting to read it for YEARS!!! It was one of the first queer books I ever heard about, actually! And it will always have a special place in my heart because it’s the first time I’ve read a book with a trans protagonist. (I’m non-binary and also genderfluid, because a few times the trans male label could apply, and I’ve identified as some flavor of lesbian for a while although I’ve just been using the label “queer” for a while. Fits my gender better.)

Also HOLY SHIT i just realized!! This is my tenth Tumblr Review guys :D!! Wow! Very happy to be writing one about a book I adored! To celebrate this milestone, take some art I made of these two! It’s singlehandedly the reason why this review took so long to put up lmao, it’s almost midnight where I am but it’s probably not Saturday anymore for a lot of people on Tumblr up at this hour and with similar time zones as I. Gonna be honest, I was considering redrawing when Julian asked Yadriel if he could kiss him (in Spanish!!!)(read the book and you’d know why that’s a big deal lmao), but I watched an Instagram reel and featured in it was a very realistic piece of fanart of when the two were kinda just lovingly spending time sitting ontop the car and looking at the sunset by the side of the road! Inspiration just struck.

I’m hoping to post art on a more consistent basis in here, hopefully y’all enjoy the piece in this review! (Perhaps I’ll do this with every 10 book milestone?) (if I don’t like the book and don’t want to make fanart maybe I’ll just draw a different one or my OCs lol)

Anyhow! I absolutely ate up, devoured even, cried on, and threw up this book when I read it. Whilst some might not be a fan of the short time frame the romance happens in (it..took some adjusting for me to be honest), I was still absolutely emotional over Yadriel and Julian oh my goodness. They’re so sweet with each other!! WAUGH. I was anxious for a devastating ending most of the time, but wherever my heart was broken, it was healed with some of Yadriel’s brujx magic by the time I’d finished reading. (So corny I know but SHUSH.) The “last day” chapter/scene in the book also just radiated comfort haha. (Perhaps I’m biased though, as I tend to feel in colors and around this point I had enough of an emotional attachment to form the “nostalgic nighttime blues with a light yellow and orange-yellow haze feeling. Which I shall always associate with the smell of a well-kept hotel room now, thanks to the location I finished this book.) Julian opening up eventually, and his immediate acceptance of Yadriel was also very sweet. They were overall very sweet, even if the circumstances they were in meant that they made very “hormonal teen” decisions at times. It didn’t feel like a product of bad writing lmao I’m sure that was intentional.

Yadriel was also a spectacular example of authentic transmasculine representation. I was delighted to read a sentence that mentioned a binder, resonated with his experiences of gender dysphoria, and although he faces a lot of struggle to be seen as who he is within his family, that was handled with care. I also loved the different Latine cultures present in the families in the book, there were different touches added to Dia De Muertos and it brought a very home-y feel to some of the atmosphere of the book. (Saying “some of” because the other parts of the story are horror of course sjkskjbdfbk) On all fronts, the representation was great :).

Also, if the story seems interesting to you based on the premise, but you don’t really enjoy horror, keep in mind that the stuff in this is pretty tame! There’s a few gnarly details, like (slight spoilers) an attempted human sacrifice towards the end, and of course some of the spirits turning “maligno”(conjugent for “malignant”, they become corrupted before they’re forced to leave the surface world, your standard horror elements stuff ensues), but that’s about it. While spirits/ghosts and the existence of what’s technically witches in this realm means that it belongs under the horror category, at least I as a reader thought it fit more just under the paranormal genre. The only other horror book I’ve read on here is The Witchery, and I’d say it’s a teensy bit more spooky than that on the scale? All I have to say for that.

Anyhow! Last thing I feel like talking about is that I liked how the theme of death was handled throughout the book? In several ways, our characters were trying to find closure and there’s multiple very realistic depictions of grief. I’m kinda running out of rambling juice here, so I don’t have much else to add, but it was interesting to see the different facets of loss(I would elaborate on all of them, but I don’t feel like typing up a Spoiler Segment here and it would probably contain mild to moderate spoilers if I did that without warning). It made this a melancholy read, in my opinion.

Overall! ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐/5 stars, no doubt :D! (the third book on here to be given a 5-star rating, there to join When The Angels Left The Old Country by Sacha Lamb and The Lesbiana’s Guide To Catholic School by Sonora Reyes!)

Paz, signing off!

(Book trigger/content warnings: Misgendering/deadnaming, mentions of transphobia, mentions of deportation, some instances of experienced racism, grief(loss of a parent), blood and body horror.)

#book talk #booklr #book review #cemetery boys #fanart?

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undertale-data · 3 years

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[Image Description: An Undertale chat box that has “WHY FANS LOVE UNDERTALE” at its center. Next to it are a line chart and an Egg from the Dating Hub on its left, and a CRIME measurer (also from the Dating Hub) on its right. End I.D.]

[Image Description: a pie chart titled, “LEVEL OF LOVE FOR UNDERTALE.” The textbox on the top right reads, “On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being the least and 10 being the highest, how much do fans enjoy Undertale?” From the top going clockwise, 12 or 0% chose 5 and below; 23 or 1% chose 6; 98, or 4%, chose 7; 325, or 12%, chose 8; 529, or 20%, chose 9; and 1664, or 63%, chose 10. End I.D.]

It’s clear from all of the data analyzed so far that fans who took the time to answer our survey love Undertale. It is unlikely that they would have taken the time to answer so many questions if they had not, and even less likely that they would have come across our survey in the first place. Naturally, it comes as no surprise that 63% of our responders gave their love for Undertale a score of ten out of ten. 95% gave their love for Undertale a score of eight or higher, and only 12 responders responded with five or below, a number so small that their responses had to be lumped together to be visible on the pie chart. Of those, only 3 responders gave their love for Undertale a score of 1, and based on those responders’ other answers, it is likely that they were only intending to troll. We are very fortunate that the vast majority of responders took the survey seriously, enough so that responses like this are barely a blip in the data.

Now, for our final analysis post of the event, we will delve into the reasons that fans love Undertale so dearly.

(Essay and highlights under the cut.)

There have been countless essays on the impact that Undertale has had on people’s lives. I can hardly add more on the subject than what has already been said, but I hope this summary can provide a brief overview of what stood out among the over two thousand answers given in response to this survey. That said, due to the sheer volume of answers, I could not read every single one in depth—however, I did skim all of them, and some that stood out or were representative of several responses have been highlighted below. If you would like to see what every fan who consented to share their response had to say, you may view the full list of responses here. Note that these responses have not been edited in any way. This document may take a long time to load, as it is over 100 pages long.

(Warnings for mentions of suicidal thoughts in the following essay.)

Several responders loved the theme of choices mattering in Undertale. Whether people played the pacifist, merciless, or neutral routes, they enjoyed how the game reacted to their actions. For some, it even made them consider their own morality. One touching response explained the impact that the theme of mercy made on them. “I realized that Mercy isn't something that's given to those who deserve it. Flowey didn't deserve it. I don't deserve it myself. Shoot, we ALL need Mercy in our lives.” Many fans left similar comments about how the themes of Undertale made them better people.

Undertale changed how its fans treat others, and it also changed how fans treat themselves. The theme of staying determined and the messages of hope in the game were a light to a very large portion of fans. I cannot list all of the fans who said that Undertale helped them out of a dark place, or that they would not be alive if not for Undertale. “DETERMINATION became a metaphor for not killing myself at a really rough time in my life and I’ll always cherish that. Undertale isn’t afraid to go to really dark places but at the same time holds on so tight to its hope.”

Undertale brought fans together in unexpected ways. Some said they met friends or significant others through the fandom. “I wouldn't have met my now husband without Undertale,” one fan said. A different fan who is non-native English speaking mentioned that the game and the fan community helped them to learn English.

It would be impossible to discuss Undertale without mentioning the fan community. Whether for good or bad, many responders mentioned the fandom in their responses. Overall the feelings towards the fandom seem positive, though many made references to “toxic” parts of the fandom without specifying which parts they consider toxic. Others rejected the idea of toxicity in fandom. One response said: “[SLAMS FIST ON DESK] I KNOW MOST PEOPLE SAY THE FANDOM IS TOXIC AND CRINGE OR WHATEVER BUT OH MY GOD. The Undertale fandom, both the UTMV and the actual UT fandom, has been so much fun to be a part of. I've met countless friends because of our shared interest in something related to the game! The art people create can be breathtaking and so inspirational, and the fanfics are so so good!! I've seen people write incredible things for this fandom and it's what made me continue writing!”

One thing that makes the Undertale fandom unique is the way it embraces various AUs. Some fans are tired of AU content, but the majority of responses show a love for the creativity behind AUs. “Roll your eyes at the 50th AU Sans all you want, it's encouraging people to step outside the boundaries of fanart and pushing people to make their own ideas! I mean, hell, it was how I gained the confidence to start making my own original content.” The lack of a judgemental atmosphere seems present in the AU community, according to the responses we saw. There is an interesting balance between AU and canon (sometimes referred to as “classic”) content that another responder pointed out: “The fandom helped keep the game alive all these years, with all of its AUs. Although personally, I always enjoyed AUs that kept characters as close to the classic material as possible (dancetale, outertale) I do appreciate the creativity of the fandom. They almost created entirely new stories with new characters of their own! If it weren't for those people, the Undertale fandom would have probably not been as active as it is now. I do feel like we're getting a resurgence of classic content now too! (In 2021)”

Regardless of the many AUs the fandom has created over the years, the original game of Undertale still feels like home for many fans. They wished they could reclaim the feeling of playing the game again for the first time, but even though we can’t reset time in real life, there is still a special feeling for fans each time they play Undertale. One fan said, “Even the best fics I've read can't capture that feeling of nostalgia/almost-"coming home" that comes with hearing the music and talking to the characters.” This feeling is one that can be cherished time and time again. In the words of another responder: “It always feels welcoming like home or like comfort food that I never grow tired of no matter how many times I go to it.” Others pointed out the strength of the found family trope in Undertale, which likely contributes to this feeling of “home” as well.

As mentioned briefly earlier, the music is part of what makes Undertale feel like home for fans. Even when responses focused on other aspects of the game, many would throw in a comment about the soundtrack at the end. One comment focused on the music said “IT'S SO GOOD like I will literally go through the entire thing over and over and not be bored with it. It makes my monkey brain so happy you have no idea.” Like with the game itself, the music has incredible replay value, an amazing feat considering most of the tracks use the same few motifs. “I think what I like the most about Undertale is how the music attaches you to the story,” another responder said. “They're simple melodies that stick with you throughout the whole game, and they can remind you of both good and bad times.”

If the music sticks with fans in their hearts, then the game’s lore sticks with fans in their minds. Even six years after the release of Undertale, fans are still creating new theories and digging up new secrets. The way the game breaks the fourth wall in particular intrigued many fans and has stuck out through all these years. The awareness that the game shows for the RPG genre makes it memorable. The game plays with the player’s expectations and turns them on their heads, all while reminding the player that they’re in a game. There are few other games that do this on such a large scale, so it’s no surprise that fans cite this as one of their favorite things about Undertale.

Lastly, the LGBT+ representation in Undertale has been a huge draw for fans. Especially in 2015, the sheer volume of non-cishet characters was unprecedented, as one fan pointed out: “It's practically unheard of to see so MANY from just one source, especially during its heyday in 2015-16. Hell, you can't even GET the true pacifist ending without helping two gay couples hook up. It's really nice to see all of them being accepted for who they are and not judged for their sexuality or gender, at least in-canon.” The LGBT+ cast including Frisk, Chara, Napstablook, Monster Kid, Mettaton, Alphys, and Undyne each connected with fans in unique ways. It’s clear how important this is from responses such as: “There are canon nonbinary characters 🥺. i have never seen representation of myself before.” “It made me gay and trans so thanks for that.”

Once again I am overwhelmed with just how much there is to say about Undertale. One responder really understood when they compared Undertale to an iceberg, explaining that there are so many layers to the game that there is something for everyone: “everyone can find something to enjoy in the lore/game regardless of what kind of fan they are! Being able to appeal to various types of fans—from simple happy shipper people to deep dive lorediggers—is the mark of the coolest games!” I would have to agree with them.

It’s been six years, and despite everything, it’s still you. Thank you for reading, participating in this survey, and above all, staying determined.

Highlights:

DETERMINATION became a metaphor for not killing myself at a really rough time in my life and I’ll always cherish that. Undertale isn’t afraid to go to really dark places but at the same time holds on so tight to its hope.

I think the coolest thing was having the opportunity to watch the AU community grow from its bare roots. It's nearly insane how big and complex it's gotten, unlike anything I'd ever seen before. Roll your eyes at the 50th AU Sans all you want, it's encouraging people to step outside the boundaries of fanart and pushing people to make their own ideas! I mean, hell, it was how I gained the confidence to start making my own original content.

i love how the lgbt rep is so naturalized... there are just gay people! and its nobodys business!

The music is my go to answer, but what I really really REALLY love is how the minor characters have so much personality to them when you talk to them. They aren't incredibly important to the overall story, but they're all so likeable and diverse that you just can't help but like them immediately!

I think it was the first videogame I have played that broke the fourth wall that much. Of course there has been other videogames that broke it but just for one or two tongue-in-cheek jokes. The guilt of killing mama goat was also something intense as well that I appreciated as an experience and that I didn't think a videogame could cause on someone.

I love how no character can be seen as completely bad! Everyone builds up Asgore as some horrible villain, but he turns out to be a 'fuzzy pushover' who's broken and just wants his family back by the time you meet him. Then you think Flowey's an irredeemable killer who engineered the suffering of the monsters across many timelines, and he is... but he also used to be the kind and beloved Prince Asriel Dreemurr, traumatized by his death and subsequent rebirth, projecting his best friend onto you.

The fact that choices matter in the game. Your first playthrough and getting the golden ending for the first time. I can never replicate those feelings again, wish I could erase my memories and replay the game from the start.

I wouldn't have met my now husband without Undertale.

(Toxic parts of the fandom aside) The community is possibly one of the kindest I've ever met. Cringe culture is completely dead, and I feel like I can be myself. I felt a very close connection to many of the characters, and I loved consuming content about them when I was in a rough patch in my life.

just everything, the whole game has just impacted my life so much. i know it sounds really lame, but when the game first came out, i would purposely put my hands in my pockets and sway slightly, like sans' idle animation. of course i dont do that anymore haha, but undertale still really impacts me to this day, and i wouldnt have it any other way :)

it made me gay and trans so thanks for that

I realized that Mercy isn't something that's given to those who deserve it. Flowey didn't deserve it. I don't deserve it myself. Shoot, we ALL need Mercy in our lives.

The thing I love most about Undertale is no matter how many times I play or watch a playthrough it always makes me genuinely happy. It always feels welcoming like home or like comfort food that I never grow tired of no matter how many times I go to it. Toriel still makes me feel all warm and cozy in her home, the Skelebros always make me laugh, and I still cry on the inside watching Frisk comforting Asriel. And on the flip side the No Mercy run still invokes the negative emotions in me as well. In short Undertale just feels like a second home to me and I always wish I could stay.

The reader inserts are my favorite way to decompress after a hard day

I think Undertale helped me discover my love for 8-bit games, and made me realize how IMPORTANT music is in video games.

the worldbuilding and character design are my favorite parts of the main game apart from the music! I’m also a huge fan of the random AU music- not for like underswap or underfell i like the stuff where someone makes a megalovania for a random au where gru from despicable me replaces sans as the character. i think its funny

Just... the vibe, honestly? Even the best fics I've read can't capture that feeling of nostalgia/almost-"coming home" that comes with hearing the music and talking to the characters.

there are canon nonbinary characters 🥺. i have never seen representation of myself before.

[SLAMS FIST ON DESK] I KNOW MOST PEOPLE SAY THE FANDOM IS TOXIC AND CRINGE OR WHATEVER BUT OH MY GOD. The Undertale fandom, both the UTMV and the actual UT fandom, has been so much fun to be a part of. I've met countless friends because of our shared interest in something related to the game! The art people create can be breathtaking and so inspirational, and the fanfics are so so good!! I've seen people write incredible things for this fandom and it's what made me continue writing!

There's a scene where Frisk (the player) is going towards what is presumably going to be their death. They will fight Asgore and he will use their human soul to break the barrier and free his people. The music, despite the player's impending doom, is... triumphant. You are not the triumphant one here, and yet, the score invites you to experience the monsters' joy and happiness as they tell you the tale of their subjugation. The monsters are going to be free. This is their victory, but they don't hate you or want you to die. They're just... happy. That scene has always struck me very deeply. I feel it represents the best parts of Undertale.

I loved how well thought out the Geno route was. It really made me feel like I was doing something horrible, and the characters were very obviously reacting to dire circumstances.

I dunno? I like Undertale for it's characters, story, music, secrets and many more. I am not good with Headcanons but I also like the neutral endings and how different they can depending on who you spare and kill

I was very bad at english before, i thought i couldn't progress because i was very shy and not confident. But my sibling and i wanted to have the best experience with this game so we wanted to play it in english. It's this game and the fandom which helped me to make huge progress in english !

THE SOUNDTRACK. IT'S SO GOOD like I will literally go through the entire thing over and over and not be bored with it. It makes my monkey brain so happy you have no idea.

to avoid writing an essay i will say one word. Mettaton

It is like Toby specifically made the games to fit the iceberg meme and it's awesome, everyone can find something to enjoy in the lore/game regardless of what kind of fan they are! Being able to appeal to various types of fans - from simple happy shipper people to deep dive lorediggers is the mark of the coolest games!

I love almost everything about Undertale as a game on its own. The music, the art and especially the characters and how they interact. They made me feel at home. Undertale means a huge amount to me. (I even got a tattoo of the castle when you and MK walk together!) The fandom helped keep the game alive all these years, with all of its AUs. Although personally, I always enjoyed AUs that kept characters as close to the classic material as possible (dancetale, outertale) I do appreciate the creativity of the fandom. They almost created entirely new stories with new characters of their own! If it weren't for those people, the Undertake fandom would have probably not been as active as it is now. I do feel like we're getting a resurgence of classic content now too! (In 2021)

the mystery. toby fox refused to give answers to anything and i think thats very sexy of him.

I just feel guilty for liking it so much when I'm in my 30's. But I recently got diagnosed with ASD, so I guess it explains things a bit. Many ppl consider Papyrus to be neurodivergent, and some adult fans are too, so seeing that makes me feel a bit better.

i think about "Despite everything, it's still you" everyday of my life.

I like how it's just as funny as it can be serious. All routes are this way. I laughed as much as I cried when I played the Pacifist route and then once I opened the game again and Flowey was telling me to let them be happy, I immediately turned off the game. I somehow felt bad.

The Found Family Trope

The True Pacifist Ending is just...man. And the fanworks about saving everyone even when the game doesn't let you? MANNNNNN

I think what I like the most about Undertale is how the music attaches you to the story. They're simple melodies that stick with you throughout the whole game, and they can remind you of both good and bad times.

there's honestly a LOT to love about this game, but i think one of my favorite things about it is just how many lgbt+ characters there are??? i can think of alphys, undyne, frisk, chara, mettaton, napstablook, monster kid, asgore, mad mew mew, the dress lion, the royal guards, and arguably even papyrus off of the top of my head, but im sure i'm forgetting a few from just undertale alone (there's even MORE in deltarune)!! it's practically unheard of to see so MANY from just one source, especially during its heyday in 2015-16. hell, you can't even GET the true pacifist ending without helping two gay couples hook up. it's really nice to see all of them being accepted for who they are and not judged for their sexuality or gender, at least in-canon.

[Image description: A wordcloud in the shape of the capitalized word UNDERTALE. The text is white on a black background, and uses the font found in the game. Some of the most visible words are: Game, Love, Music, Life, AU, Store, Friend, and Feel, which represent the most common words in the essays people wrote about their love for the game. End of ID]

#undertale #analysis #results #undertale fandom census

142 notes · View notes

rodeo-boots · 3 years

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Pretty on his Knees

Rating: Explicit

Pairing: Javier Escuella x Arthur Morgan

Tags: Trans!Arthur Morgan, Cunnilingus, Face-Fucking

(Please read Notes on AO3 for further warnings)

AO3

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

There were times when even Arthur Morgan himself needed a break. A chance to get out of camp, away from the chores and obligations waiting for him and most importantly from Dutch, who had a new plan to share every other day. Work grew tiring, now more than ever, with their sudden move from Blackwater and their escape over the mountains, the endless travels that had led them right to Horseshoe Overlook. Thankfully, that wasn't where Arthur had chosen to spend the night.

No, if he wanted to be left alone, he had to ride out, leave the confines of camp and venture into public or nature. Tonight, it was civilization he's chosen. But with pleasant company by his side, that wasn't even half bad.

Javier and he had been drinking for the best part of the evening, barely settling down before the first shots of whiskey had already been in their hands. Arthur didn't mind. If anything, he welcomed the distraction, welcomed the emptiness of his head that only increased the more alcohol ran down his throat. A few minutes, or hours, ago, Javier had started talking, and he had yet to stop, revealing more about himself than Arthur ever heard from him in general. It made him happy that the younger man seemed this comfortable around him, even if for the most part, it might be the whiskey that spoke out of him.

"I said– I told 'em no, I ain't ever seen this man in my life." The man erupted into giggles, Arthur not feeling able to pinpoint where exactly his story had started. Which didn't matter, because he laughed along with him anyways, the sound genuine and bright, more so than anything he's been able to give anyone in months.

After the disaster in Blackwater, all of them had been down in the gutter, Arthur feeling glad that Javier had agreed to go out with him at all. Unlike him, he had been there to witness that mess. But he evidently didn't think about asking him about it now.

He had stopped counting his shots by the time his head started to spin, his nose wrinkling as he stared down into the emptied glass before setting it back down on the table. "The whiskey's gone," he slurred, almost sadly, blinking his eyes as he tried to find Javier where he sat. Even if the man hadn't moved an inch, he kept forgetting about his position, flinching when his voice was much closer than he had expected.

"S'gone?" He asked, leaning into Arthur's personal space, much too close, though he didn't think about pushing him away. It was quite nice, actually. Besides, Javier had merely taken a look at the empty glass himself, his hand accidentally settling on Arthur's thigh. And weirdly enough, that was even nicer than just feeling his warmth by his side.

Arthur usually wasn't one to let himself get touched by people, none to allow anyone to march right into his comfort zone, least of all another man. He had enough issues with his body-image, enough insecurities to rightfully hide, to keep himself safe and spared of any sort of ridicule. But he knew Javier wasn't like that.

Their eyes met briefly as Javier seemed to realize where his hand had been all this time, the color of Arthur's cheeks darkening when he watched the other suck his lower lip between his teeth. His face was framed by dark bangs, hair sticking to sweaty temples in the heat of the establishment, his bowler hat still where it always sat. He didn't seem to plan on breaking eye-contact, his hand creeping higher up Arthur's thigh, warm through the fabric of his pants.

"I know somethin' better than whiskey," the man mumbled, his voice husky and low, still smooth like honey. He squeezed Arthur's thigh, boldly reaching for his crotch to palm what he might believe to be an erection. Now Arthur bit down on his lip, keeping his eyes on Javier as he palmed him; or the fabric he had stuffed down the front of his pants. His eyes grew heavy-lidded, releasing a small involuntary groan at the thought of Javier's hands where he actually wanted them. He could feel himself getting slick, lust burning inside him and causing his nub to throb.

Javier mindlessly kneaded what he thought to be Arthur's cock, moving way less discreetly than what might be appropriate in an environment like this. "How 'bout we take this outside?" Arthur asked, the drink keeping him from feeling anxious about what might be to come.

A chuckle was the initial response he got, Javier's hand retreating slowly as he straightened up where he sat. "Y'want me to suck you off so bad?" He smirked knowingly, confidently, Arthur's throat bobbing when he swallowed his nerves to get up, and lead the other man out of the building.

The darkened alley suited them just fine, Arthur immediately finding his back against the wall and lips attached to his throat, gasping at the feeling of eager hands smoothing down his sides. Javier opened his pants with practiced ease, got to his knees without missing a beat. He looks so pretty like this. Arthur knocked the hat off of the crown of his head to entangle his fingers with his dark hair, feeling like he had forgotten about something until it dawned on him at the same time that Javier seemed to hesitate.

Oh, right.

"Either 'm more drunk than I thought, or you got the prettiest cunt I ever seen," Javier mumbled, the tips of Arthur's ears starting to burn at the comment, his confidence from before wavering. He didn't get a chance to be embarrassed, or to apologize for hiding this very important detail until now, Javier leaning in without hesitation, doing just what he'd promised before as his lips sealed around Arthur's clit.

His muscles tensed at the first touch, sparks of electricity running through his veins when his most sensitive parts finally received the attention they needed. "Oh, fuck–" he let his head thud back against the wall, praying that no one would happen upon them, his fingers tightening in Javier's hair to tug at his scalp. The man didn't need any encouragement to continue, humming around his clit and sending vibrations right through his cunt, starting to suck while his fingers dipped in between Arthur's folds to gather and spread his slick.

Never before had he really allowed another man to do this to him, regretful at having missed out all his life, rolling his hips into Javier's mouth to satisfy his needs. He gasped when the man dipped his thumb into his entrance; wet, hot and tight, another groan surfacing from Javier's throat and causing Arthur to shiver even more.

The other pulled away for a second, Arthur's sound of protest a weak one – he had been so close. "Y'taste so good," was all Javier had meant to say to him, kissing his belly before burying his nose in his curls again, his eyelids fluttering shut while his tongue lazily traced his pulsing nub. "Can't get 'nuff of you," he murmured, his hands settling on Arthur's ass to pull him in, to encourage him to face-fuck him, the coil of pleasure tightening in Arthur's loins as he did just that.

Rolling and rocking his hips forward, he twisted his fingers within Javier's strands of hair, directing his motions just like he wanted, hearing the sounds of slick and wetness as the man sucked down on him. It drove him right off the wall, made him buck his hips even more, inching closer and closer to his release.

When he finally came, he could barely hold back a yelp, hips stuttering onto Javier's tongue, his clit tingling for a few blissful moments before Javier's ministrations were getting too much for him to handle. He pulled his head off of him, slick glistening in the hair of Javier's mustache and the small patch of hair beneath his lower lip, running his thumb over the man's lips as he caught his breath for a moment.

It all dawned on him much too quickly, where they were, who they were and what they had just done. Arthur pulled his pants up without another word, stuffing the socks back down his front before pulling up the zipper. He didn't miss the erection in Javier's own pants, feeling unable to repay him for the favor right now. "I– I'll see you at camp," he stuttered instead, leaving Javier on his knees as he turned, barely able to keep himself from running right back to his horse.

#javiarthur #arthur morgan #Javier Escuella #trans arthur morgan #trans!arthur #red dead redemption 2 #red dead redemption fanfiction #rdr2 #rdr2 fanfic #nsft #nsft fanfic #My writing #my trash #tw drinking

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cryptidsandcatacombs · 3 years

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listen sleep is irrelevant when there are vampires around a corporeal form what is that my needs of the flesh lol what are those

Ship: Noe Archiviste/S/I Rating: very adult anyone under the age of 18 skidaddle no srsly it's all nsfw smut from here no minors are allowed to read. All nsfw under the cut srsly do not read if you're a minor

Summary: Listen I'm not saying I'm horny for Noe Archiviste and I decided to make a self insert fic powered by that horny and make it everyone's problem BUT IDK you guys can decide for yourself whether i'm lying or not yall graduated high school, so yall have an adult level of reading comprehension. You guys got this. I'm rooting for you and so are my 10000 horny thoughts. This fic is brought to you by the sound of your past mistake chasing you. Remember. Ever day is leg day when you're running from your problems.

Also very highly self indulgent. Don't read if you don't like self inserts who are incredibly horny for certain people....or am I? Who knows.

Note: my s/i is a trans guy with all the feminine parts still attached. just needed to clear that up Copper. That's all Noe could smell. Being this close to Oz had an effect on him. One that drew him into a haze of nearly drug induced ambrosia. Gods how it made him dizzy in the most pleasant ways.

Oz unbuttoned the top of his shirt and gave him a slight smile. "Well, what you staring at," Oz said in a flirty tone.

Noe gulped going between Oz's purple eyes, chest and finally his neck. Fuck he was avoiding the neck. He felt like a Victorian virgin whose never seen a bit of skin before. Noe just felt Oz was so...exposed. It drove him crazy.

"Listen," Oz said interrupting Noe's haze, "I know what you're thinking. Well, what you waiting for. It's not like I'm saying no."

Noe was taken aback. Was Oz offering himself to him. No, it can't be. It can't be that easy. Who would offer themselves to a vampire?

"Oh or is the big bad vampire scared? I promise Noe, I've been wanting this for so long," Oz said through labored breath. Oz pulled down his shirt exposing his chest. "Please Noe, will you deny what we both clearly have been longing for. Partake onto me my love."

Noe's body moved closer to Oz than he already was. His lips grazed close to Oz's pulse. He can practically feel it throbbing with excitement.

Oz craned his neck to help Noe find a spot. Noe grazed his teeth experimentally to find the one spot that made Oz moan.

"There... no not there....wait where....," Noe thought to himself as he prodded around Oz's neck.

Suddenly, he heard that moan he had been looking for. Perfect.

He bit a little further. He looked up to see Oz's reaction.

Oz was panting wildly, face several shades dark with a violent, lustful blush. God, it was bliss to look upon.

"Please...." Oz said in a tone that Noe could have sworn was begging. If there was any doubts before, they were gone with his reserves.

Noe plunged his fangs further into Oz's tender, soft flesh. Noe shuddered at the feeling of Oz running his fingers through Noe's hair. God, it was heaven.(edited)

"Please, don't stop..." Oz said panting and moaning.

Noe tasted the blood that pooled onto his tongue. He grabbed Oz closer pulling him onto his lap. The effect Oz had on him was beyond addiction, beyond lust. It was an obsession he couldn't quit.

He had waited for this day for so long. It's what kept him up at night in a cold sweat and it invaded his dreams. However, all those dreams ended in a nightmare. Oz lying cold and deceased in his arms from not being able to simply stop. Blood run dry by his own hands. Tears streaming down his face by what he's done. He couldn't bare to act on his need to suck Oz's blood out of fear he may not be able to stop himself.

But dear god, how he wanted this so bad. So bad he's so happy he's tasting it now.

Noe suddenly push Oz down onto the couch they were sitting on. Oz's back fell to the couch, Noe pressed against him.

Noe dug himself deeper into Oz. Oz spread his legs to further accommodate him. This only encouraged Noe. His fangs dug further into Oz's pulsating flesh as he ground his ever swelling boner against Oz's crotch. Noe partook in Oz's blood like a dying man who hasn't seen food in days.

Oz began to grind back, moaning and whimpering gripping Noe's clothes for dear life.

Noe released his fangs from Oz's neck causing Oz to stare back curiously wondering why Noe stopped. The answer came in the form and Noe unbuttoning his shirt.

"So hot..," Noe managed to pant out, "Can't breathe."

Noe quickly, with deft precision, unbuttoned and took off his shirt revealing a sight Oz couldn't help but stare at disrespectfully and objectify to filth as he's done so many times in his sexual fantasies.

"Hey you ok," Noe asked noticing staring as Oz was not subtle and also thirstier than the most dehydrated man lost in the desert.

"Oh, yes I am. I just always thought you were very sexy. God, you're beautiful," Oz said blushing head to toe.

Noe's cool broke and he started blushing too. "T-thanks," he managed to squeak out.

Oz giggled at Noe's flustered reaction. Oz lifted his hand to Noe's face to calm him.

Noe stared down at Oz's face. It was almost magical seeing Oz's disheveled stated. Blood dripping down Oz's neck, shirt wrinkled cascading down his nearly exposed breasts, eyes and face filled with wanting. Noe touched Oz's hand that was still on his face. This wasn't a dream. God, this was better than one.

Noe couldn't help what he did next.

Noe lowered himself on top of Oz. Noe and Oz's noses practically met they were so close. A mix of being so close and Noe's hot breath against Oz's skin made Oz turn away flustered.

Noe placed his fingers under Oz's chin to keep his face where he needed it to be. Noe slowly and sensually placed his lips upon Oz's. Oz returned the kiss just as slow and soft.

Noe ran his fingers through Oz's hair as he pressed his lips harder against Oz's. Oz returned the favor running his fingers down Noe's exposed back. The sensation made Noe shiver and moan as he ran his tongue against Oz's lips. The kisses became laced with moans as Noe pulled on Oz's shirt.

Noe parted from the kiss with panting. "Take your clothes off," said pulling on Oz's shirt.

Oz did what he was told. Noe stared in fascination as his eyes partook in every length of the increasing exposure of Oz's skin. Noe suddenly became aware of the grating ache of his own erection. He would have taken his own pants if he wasn't so afraid it'd embarrass Oz at this moment.

With the last article of Oz's clothing gone, Oz turned away embarrassed by Noe's stare. Oz had trouble finding himself attractive, but Noe would beg to differ.

As if reading his mind, Noe turned Oz's face towards him. Noe gave Oz a kind smile. One that Oz always fell in love with over and over again.

Noe leaned into Oz's face. He gently put his hand on Oz's cheek, rubbing his thumb across it. "You're beautiful," he whispered.

"Thank you," Oz said blushing. "You're amazing Noe. I love you so much."

Noe smiled hearing those words. He had longed to hear them for so long even though he had heard them in many ways in his imagination and dreams. Nothing compared to how he heard it coming from Oz's own lips.

"I love you too Oz. More than I could ever explain," Noe said barely above a whisper.

Noe once again took Oz's lips onto his own as he pressed Oz back onto the couch again.

Noe once again placed himself between Oz's legs once again becoming aware of his aching erection.

"I-I'm sorry, mind if I..." Noe said lifting himself off Oz. Noe place his hands around the button his pants to gesture what he wanted to do.

"Mind if you what," Oz asked.

Noe was taken aback with that question. "God Oz, you better be glad you're cute at times like these," Noe thought to himself.

"My pants," Noe stuttered out, "Mind if I take them off."

"Oh yeah sure," Oz said immediately, "Why wouldn't I want you to?"

"I don't know. Anxiety told me I shouldn't because you might not like it," Noe said now fully embarrassed.

Oz bit his lip and ran his fingers through his own hair. "Listen, I want this I promise you. More than I have ever admitted to you."

Noe whipped his head back to Oz now fully intrigued. "Really," he asked without hesitation.

Oz nodded covering his face.

Suddenly, Noe placed his fingers on Oz's pussy to find it wet beyond what he thought it would be. The sensation of Noe's fingers down there made him gasp and moan as he curled his toes inwardly.

Noe kissed Oz's neck around the same spot he bit to tease him further. "How long have you been thinking of me like this," Noe asked as he rubbed Oz's wetness a little harder. Noe's thumb reached for the clit to tease him further.

Electric pleasure surged through Oz's body in such an overwhelming way that he couldn't talk. All that came out were squeaks and moans. The stimulation was killing him.

"Now now, that's not what I asked," Noe whispered in Oz's ear. "Be a good boy and tell me exactly what you've been thinking of me." Noe breath hitched as he managed to shudder out his next words,"and please don't' skimp on the details."

Oz wriggled under Noe's touched as he to rub the same way. Noe's brow furrowed realizing Oz wasn't going to talk unless Noe made him. Noe took his thumb away from Oz's clit. An action that made Oz whimper from its absence.

"Now now, I'll give you what you want once you give daddy what he wants," Noe growled out, his voice dropping to such an octave it seemed like it came from somewhere deep in his chest.

Oz's lip quivered as he struggled to tell him. God where to begin.

"Well, I had a fantasy similar to this. I'm alone with you in your place. You get so close to me and bite me sucking my blood because you can't take it anymore. The need making you so feral it hurts. Then you fuck me so hard I can't walk straight for a few days," Oz said blushing turning away so flustered by describing his sexual fantasies.

Noe blushed harder than he thought he would hearing someone think of him that way. He never thought he'd find anyone who thought of him that way. Confidence suddenly rising within him, he teasingly placed his hand upon Oz's thigh, hovering just above the spot he needed Noe's hand to be.

"Really and how often do you think of me in such a....sinful manner," he said voice heavy with lust straining against taking Oz right then and there.

"More than you can imagine," Oz admitted daring not to look Noe in the eye.

Noe's breath came out ragged hearing that. Noe's fingers grazed harder into Oz's thighs. He suddenly remembered he never took his pants off. They were officially killing him from how hard his cock was straining against them now.

Noe furiously tore them away revealing all of himself to Oz. Oz's eyes took Noe in fully, trying not to stare at his dick too long. Oz stared back up at Noe's. Noe leaned in close to Oz.

"What," Oz squeaked out.

"Were you staring," Noe asked.

Oz nodded blushing 500 shades darker than he thought he would.

Noe blushed along with Oz. "I-uh I hope I look ok," Noe said rubbing the back of his neck eyes darting to uncertain places. Places he will never admit but fortunately the writer is tattle tale and those places were Oz's tits. You're welcome.

Oz smiled and kissed Noe's cheek. "You look amazing. You're so beautiful," Oz said whispering against Noe's cheek.

Noe turned back to Oz's eyes. God, Noe considered himself the luckiest bastard on Earth right now and so did Oz. They felt so lucky to be in each other's presence right now, wanting each other in mutual lust.

Noe and Oz pressed their lips against each other for another kiss as Noe slid his hands down Oz's thigh and onto his clit once more.

Oz moaned wildly into the kiss as Noe pressed rubbed it harder and faster.

"S-stop..t-t--too mUCH,"Oz managed to squeak out.

"Ssshh sshh it's ok. You're so close. I just want to feel you cum once. Or tell me where you want it by precious boy," Noe whispered reading the vibes.

Oz, with much hesitance, pushed Noe's fingers towards Oz's dripping vaginal hole.

"P-please," Oz moaned.

Noe nodded as he dipped two fingers in. Oz dug his fingers into the couch cushion as Noe thrust his fingers in and out.

"Better," Noe asked checking in on Oz to see if he was doing ok.

"Yes oh gods yes," Oz said through his moans and pants.

Noe took this as a sign to go harder and deeper. Noe dug deeper trying to find the spot that would make Oz scream. Noe managed to find it with the sound of Oz's gasp.

"There," Oz said barely audible.

"There," Noe asked as he thrust his fingers harder onto that same spot.

Oz's toes curled and dug into the couch. His nail dug and scraped against Noe's back, driving him insane. Gods, Noe wasn't sure how much of this he could take before he took Oz like an animal in heat.

Noe, wanting to speed up the process before his own orgasm denial drove him to madness, kissed and teased around Oz's tits and nipple. Oz ran his fingers through Noe's hair encouraging him. Noe moaned at the sensation of Oz doing this. Curse the fact he was so tender headed.

Noe sucked on one of Oz's tits as his fingers thrust into Oz's spot harder feeling Oz on the edge of cumming.

With a final moan and gasp, Noe finally felt Oz cum around his fingers. Noe suddenly became self aware how hot and sweaty he felt at this moment.

He needed Oz now.

Noe took in Oz's blissed out, post orgasm face. Noe bathed in the sight. He couldn't believe Oz came for him of all people. Fantasized about him doing this to him. The thought of it made Noe's dick twitch with need.

Noe turned Oz's face towards him once more as he took him into another kiss. Sliding both hands down to Oz's hips, he pulled Oz forward so Noe's dick was at Oz's entrance.

Noe lifted Oz's legs higher onto his back so he can get a good angle.

"Ready," Noe asked looking for Oz's consent.

Oz nodded. "Please....fuck me please...."

That was the last thread that was cut for Noe. He ceased to be a man with reserves or gentleness at that point.

Noe dug his fingers into Oz's hips as he pulled Oz's body forward and thrust his throbbing cock in roughly. More roughly than he thought he would.

Oz moaned feeling himself squeeze around the sudden intrusion. God it felt amazing to him.

Noe panted, heart pounding at the new sensation he had never felt before. Oz was so tight around him. He could get drunk off this feeling for the rest of eternity.

"You ok," Noe asked checking to see if Oz was hurting or if it was too overstimulating.

"Yes. It feels amazing. I need you please please please," Oz said running his fingers through his own hair becoming overwhelmed with pleasure.

Noe nodded taking this as a sign he's allowed to move. Noe steadied himself, hand hooking around the back of Oz's head, other hand on Oz's hip. He began to thrust slowly and deeply trying to find a pace they both liked.

Oz's moans became progressively loud reaching in harmony with Noe's own moans. Both Oz and Noe's nails dug into each other with each motion.

Noe reached down and began to scrape his fangs against Oz's neck. Oz tilted his head back to expose himself more. Noe found another good spot and plunged his fangs into Oz's flesh once more.

As Oz's blood pooled onto Noe's tongue, he began to thrust harder. Oz moaned louder gripping Noe's hair. Noe moaned from the feeling of Oz tugging on his hair. He lifted Oz's lower body higher and began to thrust deeper and harder.

Noe ran his fingers through Oz's hair, pulling Oz's hair roughly. Noe released his fangs from Oz's neck. His teeth scraped and traveled other places on Oz's neck leaving deep, dark love bites all over.

Oz's legs began to buckle and shake from all of this happening at once. Nails dug further into Noe's skin.

"Oh gods don't stop fuck don't stop," Oz moaned and panted out.

Noe picked up the pace, thrusting harder until Oz screamed.

Oz became barely audible at this point feeling himself on the edge of cumming.

"Oz, you're so close. I can feel it," Noe panted out feeling himself getting close too.

"Don't stop. I'm gonna cum," Oz said just before biting down on Noe's shoulder.

Noe gasped and bit harder into Oz's neck. Noe had no idea being the one getting bit would turn him on too. Well noted.

With a few hard thrusts, Noe felt Oz cumming around him with Noe cumming with him.

Noe took a few moment to compose himself and then collapsed on top of Oz. The room was only filled with exhausted pants coming from both parties.

"So, how was that for you," Noe asked.

"Amazing. What about you," Oz asked in return.

"That was incredible," Noe said kissing the nearest parts his lips could reach before giving him a soft peck on the lips.

Noe pulled himself out of Oz, watching the stream of cum drip from Oz's hole. The sight made him shiver with arousal. Little did he know, Oz loved the sensation of it too.

In both their minds, they decided one round wasn't enough.

But it was Noe who made the first advance. Noe picked Oz up off the couch.

"How about we do this again, but this time on the bed where we can cuddle and have more room," Noe said holding her close.

"Ok," Oz said leaning his ear into Noe's chest feeling his heart pounding from excitement.

Noe settled Oz down onto the bed, moonlight beaming down into the room. "Thank you Oz my little moonbeam. I love you so much," Noe said pulling Oz towards him.

"I love you too little starlight," Oz said as Noe pulled Oz in for another kiss.

This was going to be a long night.

#self indulgent fics

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mooncruiser · 3 years

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Heyy!! I’ve been meaning to pin my testimony, so here it is :)

So, my life wasn’t really the greatest growing up. I mention C-PTSD in my bio, and that’s what I’ll get into a bit. I’ll try not to be too graphic, but I can’t guarantee it’ll be totally safe.

There were some questionable things in my toddler years, a neglectful daycare center for 3 months, my dad being in and out of my life due to fear of getting attached at first, him flying off the handle once with me (my mom got on him for it, so it never happened again) but I think the trauma started with my cousins leaving me stuck out in a baby swing twice, a near death experience with a dog bite, and a homicidal attempt on me and my mom by my sister, who was 16 at the time (I’m 5 years old).

There was also the dog cage incident I believe at…6 years old? Me and my brother were playing and he forgot me on accident. I pretty much accepted at this point that life was gonna chain me up and try to kill me lol, but it let up for a good while, and I had a pretty decent childhood. At 9 years old, there was the torturously loud school program in the gym I had to sit through for 2 hours, I think.

It was at 10 when things became chronically ongoing. Domestic violence at home from my sister (physical, emotional abuse on me and my family), more physical and emotional abuse at school from my assistant teacher because I was on an IEP for my autism. At 11, I was sexually abused by my female friend who was 12, and her female cousin, who was 13. I was abandoned by my cousins and aunt, and I was being placed in a seclusion room at school during standardized tests (which was sensory deprived solitary confinement) even after I was finished for the day. At 12 years old, I started being emotionally neglected by my mother.

I mean, I was so angry and depressed and secretly suicidal at 10, but by 12 I was severely dissociating (I had been dissociating during trauma at various times prior). I had so much fear and anxiety that by the time I was 13 I’d be feeling like passing out 24/7, so I got on meds, which only helped the more severe physical symptoms, I guess.

At 13, I started being groomed by this high school girl that liked me. She was a Sophomore, and I was in 7th grade. She noticed the neglect and told me she knew me better. She would give me gifts, teach me to ship gay pairings, gave me a gay pedophilic manga. Shamelessly told me she had sexual relations with her male cousin and his friends who were around my age. I blocked it out.

I also had a very abusive friendship with a girl online who had BPD. My assistant teacher, who came with me to middle school, restrained and tortured me with the marching band’s loud music in the hallway, which only intensified my dissociative symptoms (I was actually switching alters at this point regularly and having no idea).

I remember at 13 being confused about my gender and sexuality. My mom was no help and just wanted me to hide it from my family and everyone else, for reputation purposes and she didn’t want me bullied. That was actually how I decided to get in contact with my grooming abuser, which I wonder at this point whether that was my fault. I didn’t expect her to really take over like she did, but I was essentially brainwashed into accepting whatever I was feeling for her benefit. I just wanted advice and a friend.

I was so lonely, I had been desperate for friends for years, and I was desperate for someone to love me in any way, honestly. I was overeating. I’d spend hours daydreaming, in video games or entertainment to escape from school and everything else. During meltdowns, I’d be doing self injurious behaviors.

So by 14, I come out as a lesbian. Had a couple relationships with girls who just saw me as a sexual object (I remember saying yes to sexual things even though I didn’t want to, just so that they wouldn’t abandon me. Dissociating off and finding it disgusting), would cheat on me with multiple people, ignore me for new friends, etc.

The BPD friend I dated, when I broke up with her, immediately attempted suicide so that scarred me more into our trauma bond. She’d show me self harm pics she took from time to time. It scared me into making sure I didn’t trigger her again, but u know I never knew what triggered her in the first place, so, like with everything else, I had no strategy to life. It was either fight, run, dissociate or nod yes to everything. She took up the latter lol.

I came out as trans my Freshman year, and stayed that way into my Sophomore year. I was bitter about dating because of the whole sexual object thing, and full of shame at the same time, thinking no one would want me. I thought I was asexual. I tried out a career high school honestly just to get away from the memories of my old school.

Some feelings about being trans started to fade, but not entirely, so I went by genderfluid/genderqueer from 17-19. I was excited to make new friends at my new school, but my anxiety kept me from it. I opened up very awkwardly about my dating history to one girl (which tbh I shouldn’t have, but I had been brainwashed so lol) and she told all the girls in my lab, and I was excluded and bullied (and cyberbullied) from thereon.

I didn’t know it at first, it was so subtle. But once I knew, I tried standing up for myself and told the principal, which made them leave me alone for the most part. They’d glare at me, use me at graduation, cyberbully me one last time 8 months after graduation, and that was it. I still had to deal with domestic violence until I was 22, but once I graduated everything pretty much hit me.

I knew I’d be too stressed out to go to college or work. School indoctrination tried to teach me to be neurotypical and expect this, but it wasn’t happening. I was too afraid to leave my house for a year, and too afraid to be honest online for fear of being watched and bullied, or stalked. I was seriously considering suicide down the line. I thought I had nothing left to live for. I was useless. Nobody cared. Friends moved on to their new lives and I was dying.

That’s when Jesus stepped in.

I guess I started being curious about God again for the first time since I was 12. I always believed in God, was grateful to Him for being there for me during the domestic violence and never blamed Him for it. I found out about worship music and was thrilled, and a question came up. Was being gay a sin? My grooming abuser taught me that God made me gay, so it was alright. But I wanted to know for sure this time from the Word.

To my surprise, she was wrong. The Bible said it was indeed, a sin (the practice, not so much the identity aspect). I couldn’t piece together why, so I struggled with it for months. On my 20th birthday however, when I got done creating fanart of a gay pairing, I felt strongly convicted by the Holy Spirit that it was wrong. So I went to God.

I said, “If it is wrong, please change me so I can make You happy, because I love You. In the meantime, I won’t do anything in support of it for a while. If it’s not wrong, don’t change me, and I’ll know which way is right because I trust You.” When I look back on it, it was a pretty crazy prayer. Lots of people have said they couldn’t “pray the gay away”, and I do wonder what the difference was with me.

After 3 months, I stopped to check if I still felt anything, and the feelings were gone. My gender dysphoria was gone, too. I was way too afraid to tell anybody yet, but I remember when I did, one of the first people I told was my grooming abuser.

She was livid, tried one last time to intimidate me. Another time we crossed paths (she came out of nowhere saying hi, said she worked at that market, complimented me and walked away smiling) and I was triggered, I messaged her and told her how she hurt me and I couldn’t bear to be around her anymore, but I hoped she’d have a good life. She didn’t respond online, but she complained to my sister that I thought she was a predator, and by the end of the conversation tries to get her to tell me she said hi. When she had kids, she was planning on raising them to be nonbinary. Her husband was abusive to them, so she ended up losing them. She never bugged me again.

I was blown away by how God had changed me. How He opened my eyes to the truth. I prayed for Him to open my eyes to whatever else I had been blind to, and He slowly began lifting off the amnesia surrounding all my traumas, urging me towards recovery with Him. I realized I might have OSDD-1b recently as well, which is strange that I could have possibly had DID prior to losing my amnesia?

I have been on this journey ever since, journaling, blogging, researching, and finally in a wonderful therapy called EMDR where I truly release the traumas from my body, hear God’s new positive beliefs to replace old negative ones from my childhood, and experience loving extraordinary visions while processing that teach me to focus on Jesus, trust Him more, love and pray for my enemies, and have a real satisfying relationship with Him that’s unattainable with anyone on Earth, along with daily Bible study.

The picture on the left was me at 16 in my old life, the one on the right is me in my new creation :) God bless all of you, thank you for reading this far 💕💖

#testimony #long post

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addictedtoeddie · 4 years

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The full Esquire Spain interview translated from Spanish:

Eddie Redmayne trial: guilty of being the most talented (and stylish) actor of his generation

The Oscar winner talks about what it means to premiere a film with Aaron Sorkin (The Chicago 7th Trial on Netflix) and filming the new part of the most famous saga of all time under the watchful eye of its author, J.K. Rowling.

By Alba Díaz (text) / JUANKR (photos and video) / Álvaro de Juan (styling) 10/23/2020

At the Kettle’s Yard Gallery in Cambridge, stands alone and leaning on a piano Prometheus, a marble head made by Constantin Brâncusi, and the only piece of art that Eddie Redmayne (London, 1982) would save from possible massive destruction. He tells me about it as he leaves the filming set of the third installment of Fantastic Beasts in the early days of an autumn that, we suspect, we will never forget. It begins to get dark as the actor nods seriously: "I promise to do my best in this interview."

Eddie Redmayne made himself in the theater despite some voices warning him that he could not survive in it. "Many people were in charge to tell me that it would never work, that only extraordinary cases make it and that I would not be able to live from this professionally." Even his father came home one day with a list of statistics on unemployed young actors. Redmayne, who is extremely modest, polite and funny, adds: “But I enjoyed theater so much that I got to the point of thinking that if I could only do one play a year for the rest of my life… I would do it. And that would fill me completely.

Spoiler: since then until today he has participated in many more. He set his first foot in the industry when he debuted at the Shakespeare’s Globe Theater and won over critics and audiences. He then landed his first major role in My Week with Marilyn opposite Michelle Williams. And then came one of the roles of his life, the character he wanted to become an actor for, Marius. With him he sang, led a revolution and broke Cosette's heart in Les Miserables. “I found out about the Les Misérables auditions when I was shooting a movie in Illinois. Dressed like a cowboy. I picked up the iPhone and videotaped myself singing the Marius song. I always wanted to be him ”.

Now Redmayne is an Oscar winner - thanks to his portrayal of Stephen Hawking in The Theory of Everything - and the protagonist of one of the most important sagas in history, Fantastic Beasts. He plays the magizoologist Newt Scamander in it. When I ask him what it means to him to be the protagonist of a magical world that is so important to millions of people, Eddie sighs and takes a few seconds to answer. “I have always loved the Harry Potter universe. Some people like The Lord of the Rings or Star Wars ... But, for me, the idea that there is a magical world that happens right in front of you, that happens without going any further on the streets of London, that. .. That exploded my imagination in another way.

During the quarantine, J. K. Rowling, who has been in charge of the script of the film, sparked a controversy through a series of tweets about transgender women. Redmayne assures that he does not agree with these statements but that it does not approve of the attacks of some people through social networks. The actor was one of the first to position himself against Rowling alongside Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson and other protagonists of her films. "Trans women are women, trans men are men, and non-binary identities are valid."

After having spent a while talking, Redmayne confesses to me that he has never been a big dreamer not to maintain certain aspirations that ended up disappointing him. So he has always kept a handful of dreams to himself. One of them was fulfilled just a few weeks ago with the premiere of The Trial of the Chicago 7, a film written and directed by Aaron Sorkin that can already be seen on Netflix and in some - few - cinemas. “I was on vacation with my wife in Morocco and the script arrived. I think I called my agent before I even read it and said yes, I would. She probably thought the obvious, that I'm stupid. After that, of course I read the script, which is about a specific moment in history that I knew very little about. I found it exciting and a very relevant drama in today's times. "

And it is that having a script by Aaron Sorkin in your hands is no small thing. Eddie Redmayne has been a fan of his work ever since he saw The West Wing of the White House. “His scripts have delicious language and dialogue. As an actor, it's fun to play characters that are much smarter than you are in real life. That virtuosity is hard to come by. I really hope that audiences enjoy this movie and feel that there is always hope. " He remembers that since he released The Theory of Everything he has recorded, to a large extent, English period dramas, “and although the new Aaron Sorkin is not strictly contemporary,” says Redmayne, “to be able to wear jeans and shirts and sweaters instead of so much tweed is great ”.

Besides acting, art was the only thing the actor was interested in, so he ended up studying Art History at Cambridge University. “My parents are quite traditional and when I told them I wanted to act they gave me free rein but on the condition that I study a career. And I'm very grateful for that because ... Look, beyond that, when I play a real character I usually go to the National Portrait Gallery in London quite often. There I lock myself up. Now, for Sorkin's film, I went through a lot of photographs and videotapes. Art helps me to be more creative, to get into paper ”. If he were not an actor, he would be, he says decidedly, a historian or perhaps a curator. "Although I think he would be a very bad art curator."

Against all logic, Eddie Redmayne is color blind. But there is a color that you can distinguish anywhere and on any surface: klein blue. He wrote his thesis on the French artist Yves Klein and the only shade of blue he used in his works. He wrote up to 30,000 words talking about that color with which he became obsessed. “It is surprising that a color can be so emotional. One can only hope to achieve that intensity in acting. "

Like his taste for art, which encompasses the refined and compact, Redmayne seems to be in the same balance when it comes to the roles he chooses. When I ask him what aspects a character he wants to play should have, he takes a few seconds again before answering: “I wish I had a more ingenious answer but I will tell you that I know when my belly hurts. It's that feeling that I trust. In my mind I transport him to imagine myself playing that character. When I read a script I have to really enjoy it. You never fully regret those instincts. It's like when you connect with something emotionally. "

So we come to the conclusion that all his characters have some traits in common. "You know what? I never look back, and this is something personal, but I do believe that there is a parallel between Marius in Les Misérables trying to be a revolutionary, someone who is quite prone to being distracted by love but at the same time is willing to die for his cause, and Tom Hayden from The Chicago Trial of the 7 who was a man who had integrity and was passionate and fought for the things he believed in. So I suppose there may also be similarities between a young Stephen Hawking and Newt Scamander. There are traits in common in all of them that I don't really know where they come from ”.

When we talk about the year we are living in, in which it is increasingly difficult to find hope, we both let out a nervous laugh. "There must be," Redmayne says. “There is something very nice that Tom Hayden, the character I play in Sorkin's film, said to his former wife, actress Jane Fonda, just the day before she passed away. He told her that watching people die for their beliefs changed his life forever. In that sense, I also think about what Kennedy Jr. wrote about how democracy is messy, tough and never easy ... As is believing in something to fight for. I look at history and how they were willing to live their lives with that integrity to change the world and I realize that somehow that spirit still remains with us. " We fell silent thinking about it. "There must be hope."

I tell him about my love for Nick Cave's blog, The Red Hand, and one of the posts that I have liked the most in recent weeks. In it, the singer affirms that his response to a crisis has always been to create, an impulse that has saved him many times. For Redmayne there are two activities that can silence noise: drawing and playing the piano. “When you play the piano your concentration is so consumed by trying to hit that note that you can't think of anything else. Similarly, when you draw something, the focus is between the paper and what you are trying to recreate ... There I try to calm my mind.

Before saying goodbye, I drop a question that I thought I knew the answer to, but failed. What work of art would you save from mass destruction? "How difficult! I could name my favorite artists but still couldn't choose a work. Only one piece? Let me think. I am very obsessed with Yves Klein, but I would stick with a work by Brancusi. There is a sculpture of him, a small head called Prometheus, in Cambridge's Kettle’s Yard, on a dark mahogany piano. The truth is that I find it very ... beautiful ”.

Before leaving, he confesses to me - with a childish and slow voice - that he would like to direct something one day. We said goodbye, saying that we will talk about his next project. Next, the first thing I do is open the Google search engine. "P-r-o-m-e-t-h-e-u-s". Although Eddie Redmayne has trouble distinguishing violet from blue, he doesn't have them when choosing a good piece. He's right, that work deserves to be saved.

* This article appears in the November 2020 issue of Esquire magazine

Source: esquire.com/es/actualidad/cine/a34434114/eddie-redmayne-juicio-7-chicago-netflix-entrevista/

#eddie redmayne #esquire2020 #esquirespain2020nov #esquire spain #chicago7promo #chicago7interview #interview2020 #photoshoot2020 #juankr #my translation

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zippers-flowers-and-wine · 4 years

Text

"Go visit family in Oregon, they said. It'll be a blast, they said!" You hiss, hustling a little faster through the light rain with your arms ineffectively attempting to shield your thick hair.

What a crock of shit.

What they didn't tell you about this fucking place was that it rained every.

Fucking.

D a y.

...

Okay, you may be exaggerating juust a tad, you'll admit to that.

But still! The high humidity sucked for your already frizzed hair, and the rain usually rolled in out of nowhere!

As if to prove your point - or maybe even mock you, Oregon was a little bitch like that - the sky rumbles threateningly, darkening to a near black. The few drops that had been landing against your neck, speed up and you wail a dramatic curse.

Throwing your comfy coat over your head, you start hustling your step a little more.

Moving here hadn't been that much of a mistake, despite what you may complain. It was really pretty, with so many mountains that had good hiking spots, and rivers that provided you with relaxing swimming pools. Plus the always chilly water was a definite bonus, a complete step up from the metallic tang that always permeated the water in some of the hotter spots you've lived in.

The only problem you really had with Oregon was...

A low, clicking rumble from above. Your hair stands on end, and you take the steps up to your apartment three at a time, barely pausing to pull out your keys. You hear him click behind you, closer than you were comfortable with. It makes you miss the keyhole a few times, but the sound of him landing roughly on the metal railing behind you gives you small bit of extra coordination and you swiftly shove your door open.

Slamming it shut, a nervous eye peeks out of the peephole, flinching when it clashes with an overly wide, slightly compound, black eye.

God-damn-it.

Fucking... The bug beasts that liked to hang around were another factoid about Oregon that... Well, they didn't piss you off. It was just a huge leap from your last home.

Those guys weren't as prevalent in the other places you lived, most non-mountainous places only really having the arachnid-type beasts. In fact, when you lived in Texas with your cousins, the only insect based one you had ever seen was this one fluffy, brown and black... Caterpillar? He'll, he may be a fully grown butterfly at this point.

But he was a kid who had a nasty attitude, dyed his hair blue - according to rumours - and was always yelling at the humans he usually stuck around.

This place though? Practically crawling with them, no pun intended.

Beastfolk weren't new, but they were very few and very far inbetween. In fact, a lot of people had been questioning if they could really be considered "sentient"...

Well, they were swiftly shut down by a feisty tarantula, that looked kinda like an Arizona Blonde, that had become a lawyer and completely shut down a court case.

Another soft clicking makes you jump, shooting a look at the door. "Chill your thorax, fuzzbutt."

An offended click, and you smirk.

The only thing that kept a lot of people from considering most beasts as sentient and free thinking people was... Well...

You hear him jump over the railing. The heavy, almost lethargic sound of his wings flapping makes you hop to attention, darting through the house to swiftly shut your window with smug whoop.

He's gotten you like that too many times.

You see, beasts haven't fully gotten over their base instincts, and the month leading into spring was were all anti-beastfolk arguments got their evidence. Said that beasts clearly can't be sentient, they succumb to those based urges so easily!

Not because the folk felt any urge to fuck like rabbits, as was the common misconception.

He chitters at you through the window, feet thudding against either side of the - now shut - window for mere seconds before he kicks back off. His clicks fades as you grin giddily, dancing in place. You might actually win this one!

The only reason most speciests would give for being so against beastfolks was the fact that they were "too base instinct" and it made them "feel unsafe".

And in a way, they were right.

Your grin fades when you realize you can't hear him anymore.

It's dangerous to get between any spider-types and their chosen.

The hairs on your body raise, your mind scrambling to figure this out.

It's foolish to keep a centipede-type away from their loved ones.

A soft shuffle has you whipping around, hands up in a comical karate motion.

It's down right ridiculous to separate ant-types from their mates.

Suddenly, you remember: you didn't lock the bathroom up.

"You're asking for a death sentence if you get between a moth and his love." The voice slides between you shoulder blades, accompanied by four large arms wrapping around you.

Screaming in delight, you curse, "Oh you sneaky fuck!"

Bruno laughs, allowing you to whip around and hit his shoulder. His hand comes up, wringing out some of his neck fluff while he flashes you a smarmy grin. "What? It's not my fault you didn't check the bathroom first. I didn't even land at your window!"

You gasp, pushing him away with a look of mock horror. "Yo-you..."

He leans in, large black eyes shining teasingly. "Come on, you can say it."

"I can't!" You cry in the most over the top, Trans-Atlantic accent possible, draping yourself across the bed.

Bruno huffs a laugh, antenna flicking as he quickly shucks his slightly damp over shirt. With a quick hop, courtesy of his powerful legs, he lands on top of you, grinning at you scream. "What, is it a bad word?"

"Yes! You foul man, begone He-Who- Says-Bad-Words! Begone!" His eyes light up, a near maniacal grin stretching across his usually serious features.

(You'd never say it out loud for fear of emotionally wounding him: but you kinda liked how he acted pre-spring. He was so goofy... Although serious, intense Bruno is just as pleasant.)

His wings flare up, engulfing the room in a shadow of white, black speckled wings. His upper set of arm catch your hands and you're, quite rudely, made aware of your mistake of allowing him to straddle you.

"Bruno..." You warn, wiggling to pull away from his grasp.

His grin stretches wider, fangs hooking just slightly over his bottom lip as Bruno teases back, "(Y/N)..?"

Whatever threat you were gonna say is lost as his second pair of hands - the wicked claws clipped precisely for this reason - dive in, wiggling furiously against your ribs.

Screaming, you thrash, kicking out and laughing. His hands hold you steady, with just enough give that you're continuously given hope that you can escape, but you know better.

"Saaaay iiit~" He croons, slowing so you can speak.

Wheezing a few wet coughs, you smirk at him. "N-Nuh uh. I-I don't cuss like you do."

His antenna flick up, shivering as his grin gets wider. "Me? Cuss? Now that's just slanderous talk my dear."

"N' slander, cuz' it's true."

"Hmm, I think you can speak far too well my dear." A part of you immediately regrets talking back, especially when he shifts both of your hands into one of his, the other migrating down to hold your chest down.

Flashing you a smirk, he wiggles his fingers near your kneecap.

"Now, what am I?"

You keep stubbornly quiet. Humming, the large moth brushes his fingers down the back of your calf, chattering at the full body jerk you give.

"Once again, what am I?"

"A liar, because you lied!" You squawk mid-laugh, playfully gasping in mock horror. Bruno chirps in laughter, releasing you to flip over.

"Haha, now you're a filthy cusser like me!"

You groan, rolling over to nudge his wings so you can snuggle beneath. He lifts it without fuss, purring when you nuzzle your face into his chest fluff.

"Mmmn, love you B."

His chest vibrates with a fierce purr, and you grin. Grumbling past the motor in his chest, Bruno mumbles, "You only love me for my purring."

"Well, the fuzz is a nice addition."

"I will throw you off this bed, don't try me."

"Bet."

You found yourself face down n the floor less than two seconds later and not at all pissed.

#mothman bruno #moth bruno #basic bitch bugs au #bbb au #any insect oneshots are under this tag #sfw tickles #jojo part 5 #bruno bucciarati #soft bruno #jjba x reader #monster au jjba #jjba drabble

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gerrystamour · 4 years

Text

the bittersweet between my teeth - Chapter 4

Written by: GerryStAmour | Gift for: @northisnotup

Some Important Notes:

The smut is available only on AO3! Link to the AO3 fic in my pinned post!

Nureyev is a gender euphoric trans man who has not had top-surgery and does not wear a binder. I use a mix of masculine and feminine terminology for his anatomy and genitalia, as I do for my own body as a transmasc individual. If this makes you uncomfortable, that is totally understandable, and I recommend skipping the smut.

This chapter is being posted early mostly because Chapters 3 and 4 were originally one whole chapter, which I split in half because of length. So consider this a bit of an Angel of Brahma style release. ;p

I am altering my update schedule for the last time! Please see my pinned post for the new schedule.

I'm working on a two-chapter Epilogue ficlet, which I hope to publish on Sunday, Nov 8, so keep an eye out for that.

Chapter Four [Previous Chapter] [First Chapter]

- - - - - Juno’s POV - - - - -

“My name is Peter Nureyev.”

Juno took in a shaky breath, trying to still his thoughts, which were suddenly racing with this new information.

“... What?” he asked quietly after a few moments, and immediately cringed at the stupid question. Juno knew Rex wasn’t his real name, he knew it all along so this wasn’t a revelation on its own.

Or at least it shouldn’t have been. At some point over their evening together, he had stopped thinking of ‘Rex Glass’ as a fake name, and this knocked Juno off balance.

But he could handle it, had demanded that information even. If Juno was a bit terrified to look at him though, he didn’t have to admit it.

“My name is Peter Nureyev,” the man underneath him repeated as he took a deep breath. “I’m a thief, and a very good one at that.”

Juno pulled back to look at Peter Nureyev, narrowing his eye at the stoic and hard expression the man wore. The corners of Nureyev’s mouth were tight and angled downward and Juno desperately wanted to kiss that stress away.

“I was hired,” Nureyev continued stiffly, the words sounding dragged out of him, “by a gentleman to regain some property that was taken.”

Ice filled Juno’s veins as he stared at Nureyev, something in his tone tickling the back of his mind. Why would a master thief be interested in him and look so tense as he confessed, he wondered. The answer came to him and felt like someone had punched him in the gut; he was Juno Steel, the one private eye in Hyperion City with a high-profile, nearly botched job on his record.

Humiliation burned in Juno’s gut and his face, and his mind began racing around how he was going to get out of Nureyev’s lap without looking like he was running away.

“Why does he need a thief.” He hadn’t even realized he was talking until the words were hanging in the air between them. It wasn’t a question as much as it was a statement, and the way Nureyev’s expression folded, his lips curving downward and his eyes softening at the corners, was all the confirmation Juno needed.

But he had to hear him say it. He had to hear the words come from Nureyev.

“No, finish that thought. I want to hear you say it.”

“Juno—”

“Just fucking say it, Diamond!”

Nureyev’s hands twitched where he still held Juno’s wrists, bringing Juno back from his swirling thoughts.

“Juno—” the thief began, and Juno could hear the excuses in his tone already.

“Why does he need a thief, Nureyev? Why didn’t he hire a detective?” Juno demanded, and he can feel himself shaking as well.

“Juno, I want you to know—”

“Just tell me, Nureyev!” Juno hissed through his teeth, and to his dismay tears had sprung to his eyes.

Nureyev licked his lips a bit nervously, and said, “His property was taken by the HCPD in a raid on an associate’s safehouse five years ago.”

Juno had begun laughing bitterly the moment Nureyev had mentioned the HCPD. A hollow, desperate ache settled in his chest, his eyes stinging from the pain. It was stupid to feel so hurt, but it was just the sort of prank whatever higher beings existed would play on him.

“Of fucking course,” Juno bit out, looking up at the ceiling. It was always too good to be true, he knew the other shoe would drop eventually, knew there was no reason someone as gorgeous and mysterious as Nureyev would even look twice at him if they didn’t have ulterior motives.

“That’s why you’re here. I knew it the moment I saw you at Hyperion Brewing, but I talked myself out of it. But that’s why you’re here,” Juno finally admitted to himself with a scoff, getting increasingly angry at himself for being so goddamn stupid. “You really know how to pick ‘em, Steel.”

“That isn’t why I’m here right now, nor why I’ve been seeing you,” Nureyev insisted, his voice pleading as Juno began to pull back. He let go of Juno’s wrists to gently hold his face. “Juno, please, believe that this is real—”

“Get your goddamn hands off me!” Juno snarled, jolting away from the touch as if he had been burned. Nureyev’s hands immediately fell away from Juno’s face, and he sat completely still while Juno climbed off his lap.

Juno could feel his hot blush as his dress fell open before he was able to catch it. He couldn’t even remember when the belt had been taken off, which just served to embarrass him even further.

“Juno, please listen—”

“If you say any of that ‘this is real’ bullshit, I will walk out right now, Nureyev,” Juno growled, and Nureyev’s mouth snapped shut.

They were quiet for a few moments while Juno located his belt and struggled to cinch it around his waist. His eyes were burning, his already limited vision blurry with his tears.

“No, you only started sniffing around me after that day at Hyperion Brewing. You’re just sticking around for information, or to spy on me, or whatever, so none of this is real!” Juno said bitterly, his hands shaking so badly he almost dropped his belt.

“I have never even come close to pressing for details about the job!” Nureyev defended himself, his tone annoyed. “All evening, I could have asked you about your eye, or your scars, under the guise of getting to know you, but I didn’t.”

Ice flooded his veins as Juno finally got the belt done up, the mention of his eye and his scars almost more painful than everything else. Of course Nureyev would have noticed, and he likely thought they were hideous just as everyone else did. But Juno was useful, Juno might have had information, so Nureyev was willing to tolerate him.

For a moment, all Juno could think about was Diamond pointing out his eyepatch constantly, the persistent suggestions to get a prosthetic eye and cosmetic surgery to clean up the scars. He was back in that apartment, after a year of surgeries and physical therapy, pleading with Diamond to understand just how much he didn’t want to go under again.

The humiliation of begging his fiance to still love him flared in him.

The moment Juno lost any semblance of usefulness, the disgust for his eye jumped to the forefront. It was the same sad story, one that Juno thought he was used to, but it hurt so much more with Nureyev.

“Oh, should I thank you then?” Juno asked, laughing bitterly. “Thanks for not asking about my worst job, my biggest goddamn failure, and amateur eye-surgery when you could have?”

“You know that’s not what I meant, Juno—” Nureyev said, sounding frustrated.

“Do I?” Juno countered, and that seemed to give Nureyev pause. When the thief opened his mouth to refute, Juno shook his head. “There’s something called ‘the long game’, Nureyev. You not asking me tonight means nothing.”

Nureyev wisely kept his mouth shut and Juno had to look away. He looked miserable sitting there on the bed, his expression deeply sad with his mouth, jaw, and throat smudged with Juno’s dark lipstick. There was a twist in his gut that felt like doubt, and for a moment Juno wanted to crawl back into his lap and kiss him, to take back his angry words and resume the perfect evening.

Shaking himself, Juno remembered the months of fear, of keeping his head down and his mouth shut, of trying to hold everything together. Then Nureyev had the nerve to seduce him when he worked for the person who was responsible for all of that.

“I actually thought the Piranha was done having her lackeys follow me,” Juno laughed. “This is really cruel though, even for her.

“Juno, I’m no one’s ‘lackey’,” Nureyev said pleadingly, shaking his head. “I was interested in you before I knew you were involved—”

“And after?” Juno interrupted, crossing his arms tightly.

Nureyev looked up at him, confused and thrown off guard by the question. “After what?” he asked eventually, quiet and unsure.

“After you found out, Nureyev. When you found out, you kept coming, you made me—” ‘fall for you’ Juno thought, and just barely managed to stop himself. Taking a deep breath, Juno started over, his voice low with his anger. “When you found out who I was, how close I was to this, why did you keep coming around?”

Nureyev took a deep breath, and said, “I was immediately taken with you from the moment I saw you—”

“Come off it, Nureyev,” Juno scoffed, rolling his eyes even as butterflies swarmed his guts. “You expect me to believe that?”

“I don’t ‘expect’ anything from you, Juno,” Nureyev said flatly, and that annoyance was back in his voice. “Except perhaps that you allow me to answer the questions you ask me.”

Juno huffed a loud breath and looked away. He wasn’t keen on admitting that Nureyev had a bit of a point.

“I saw you at the restaurant, and I was drawn to you, and I can’t explain why. You were handsome, and the way you looked at me… I was intrigued,” Nureyev explained haltingly and shrugged. “I found out your name from the owner. I didn’t know your connection to my job at the time.”

“Why would you be so interested in a complete stranger?” Juno asked incredulously.

“I don’t know, Juno!” Nureyev burst out, and he ran his hands back through his long hair. “I don’t normally let a pretty face capture my attention or distract me from a job! Remember, I’m a very good thief, which makes falling in love with part-time private eyes incredibly inconvenient.”

Juno’s insides froze as he said that, searching Nureyev’s face for a lie, especially surrounding the word ‘love’. Nureyev looked honest, his expression open and earnest for Juno to read, which was somehow the scariest thing in that moment.

But that wasn’t how the world worked, he thought bitterly. That man, the thief, came into his life— only occupying space in it for two weeks— and he was already making claims or allusions to feelings a partner of over a decade didn’t even have. It was impossible, and he would have to be pretty stupid to believe it.

“So ‘love at first sight’. That is what you’re trying to sell me?” Juno asked mockingly, emulating some of Benten’s sharp tone.

Nureyev’s jaw visibly twitched and a dark blush overcame his features. He was clearly getting frustrated with the conversation, and Juno prepared himself for anger, for the admission of his guilt.

“I’m not trying to sell you anything, least of all something so fanciful,” Nureyev finally replied, and his voice was softer than his intense gaze let on. “But I do care deeply for you now. Your ‘buying it’ has no bearing on the truth of it.”

Juno ground his teeth viciously, anger flashing through him that the thief would continue the act. That he wouldn’t just cut it out and admit it.

“So you were curious, we’ll go with that. Any smart criminal would find out that the tail they’re chasing is a part-time private eye and run the other way,” Juno said. “But you kept coming around, getting closer to me. Why?”

“I was selfish,” Nureyev admitted after a steadying breath through his nose. “I didn’t want to leave without seeing you.”

“So, you played with my feelings?”

“I did not play with your feelings, Juno,” Nureyev replied earnestly, almost desperately. “But when it became obvious you reciprocated, I couldn’t hurt you by just disappearing.”

Juno laughed loudly at that. “And this is better?” he asked coldly, and Nureyev’s expression crumpled under it.

Juno wanted to stop, to shut his mouth and leave. He wanted so badly to just go home, crawl into his bed and hide.

“That job, Piranha and whoever she works for, ruined my life, Nureyev. The people you’re working for destroyed everything, and you come along and just—” Juno interrupts himself with a watery, harsh laugh, shaking his head. “You should’ve just left, Nureyev. I have plenty of experience with that. I would’ve survived.”

Juno immediately regretted the words the moment he said them, especially with the way Nureyev’s expression went slack and his eyes glassy with unshed tears.

“Your piss-poor attitude was only cute when you looked like—”

Juno opened his mouth to take it back but Nureyev just cleared his throat and stood, towering over him once again.

“Of course,” he said, his voice hoarse with emotion. “As I said, it was selfish.”

Juno pinched the bridge of his nose as Nureyev left the bedroom to sit at the desk in the living room.

“Nureyev, listen, I didn’t mean—” Juno began as he followed Nureyev, watching as the man opened his laptop.

“No, you were right, Juno. I should have left you alone from the beginning,” Nureyev insisted. “This was foolish on my part.”

Juno felt his anger and hurt wane as he watched Nureyev. There was nothing too obvious to let on to his emotions, but there was the slightest slump to his usually perfect posture, which only served to break Juno’s heart further.

When Juno properly paid attention to what Nureyev was doing, he realized he was looking at surveillance feeds. “What are you doing?” he asked, his brow furrowed.

“Deleting any surveillance video with my face, and also your arrival at the hotel,” he answered quietly, not even looking away from the monitor.

“You’ve been doing this every night?” That bloom of doubt was back, and Juno hated it.

“Yes, which has been getting exhausting. I’ve put off finishing this for too long,” Nureyev sighed. “I’ve been reckless, and it’s only a matter of time before I make a mistake if I haven’t already.”

Juno immediately recognised that fact, and the rest of his anger left him so suddenly he felt dizzy. “Why would you risk so much?”

Nureyev did not even pause in his work on the laptop as he smiled sadly and replied, “I’m sure you can divine my reasons from my previous statements, dear detective. You’re very clever.”

Juno felt his face heat up at the praise and felt annoyed at himself all over again. He was making himself the easiest mark ever for people like Nureyev.

Then the thief’s fingers faltered in their typing and he tipped his head thoughtfully. “What did you mean by ‘amateur eye surgery’?” Nureyev asked. “Or ‘the Piranha’ for that matter?”

Juno raised an eyebrow when Nureyev turned to look at him. “You haven’t met your employer’s pet thug?” he asked sceptically. “She’s a real piece of work, you know? Sadistic, and I mean, I go for a little pain—”

“Juno,” Nureyev interrupted softly, and snapped him out of his sarcastic tirade.

“Fine. She’s really ugly, missing an ear, tons of scars? Her teeth are all sharp—” Juno began, but he stopped abruptly as his heart rate picked up just thinking about her.

“She has an underbite?” Nureyev supplied and Juno nodded gratefully.

“That’s the one. I call her the Piranha. Didn’t really catch a name between her stun blast and…” Juno said, trailing off to gesture at his eye. At Nureyev’s blank look, he shifted on his feet uncomfortably. “C’mon Nureyev, you knew I lost my eye during that job. You said it yourself.”

Nureyev turned back to the laptop and clicked the keyboard a few more times before slowly shutting it. “I was under the impression— no, told your eye had been an injury sustained in an altercation,” Nureyev replied when he turned to meet Juno’s gaze again. “An accident.”

Juno frowned with a sceptical snort. “I mean, if torture falls under the ‘altercation’ umbrella, then yeah. But it wasn’t an accident.”

It was obvious that several pieces of information were clicking into place for Nureyev if his narrowed eyes were anything to go by. “Either my employer is unaware of this ‘Piranha’s’ true actions that day, or he lied to me,” Nureyev finally said after a moment, sucking his teeth a bit before saying, “I’m not sure which is worse.”

“Normally, I would say he lied to you. But she worked overtime to keep my mouth shut, so,” Juno said, trailing off with a shrug. The distinct feeling of panic overcame him, and he tried to calm himself down.

“What do you mean, Juno?” Nureyev asked, and his voice was so gentle, it made Juno want so much. He wanted to be held again, he wanted to crawl into bed and have strong arms wrapped around him tightly, he wanted Nureyev to kiss him again, if only to remind him that he was sitting in a hotel room and not in that dark, terrible cellar.

“She said whoever she worked for wouldn’t be happy if I died,” he replied, his words stilted as he said them. “Didn’t stop her from carving up my eye and stalking my loved ones, but hey. I survived.”

Juno sat heavily in the armchair near the desk, pinching the bridge of his nose. When he looked up again, he saw that Nureyev had turned to fully face him, waiting patiently for him to continue.

“When I was in the hospital, one of her goons came by and dropped an entire folder of pictures of Benten and Rita in my lap. Nothing else, just that. The asshole didn’t even say anything,” he said, his voice breaking a bit and his face felt hot as tears stung his eyes again. “She had me followed for months, and every couple of weeks a new goon would hand me a new folder full of new pictures.”

“Juno—” Nureyev began, lifting his hand as if to reach for Juno’s, but appeared to think better of it. Juno wished Nureyev had followed through, which he knew was ridiculous after the scene he had been making, so he shook it off with a deep breath.

“The worst was—” Juno choked on the words for a moment, the fear gripping him. “The worst was a picture of Benten. It was taken from inside his apartment. It was some guy Benten had brought home, someone he met at a bar. But the message was loud and clear.”

“Juno…” Nureyev murmured sadly, but said nothing else.

“So, I kept my mouth shut, accepted the pictures, confirmed that I understood, and kept my head down for months,” he finished explaining, shrugging a bit.

Nureyev was silent, watching his face with an unreadable expression.

“Fuck, all of that, and for nothing. Just to get dragged back into it all,” Juno muttered as an aside to himself. With a disgusted noise, Juno met Nureyev’s eyes. “Who’s your employer anyway? I know it’s one of Pereyra’s opponents, but I never found out who.”

“Ramses O’Flaherty,” Nureyev responded without hesitation and was startled at Juno’s bark of laughter.

“O’Flaherty? Bullshit,” Juno said with an eye-roll.

“I assure you, dear detective. It is Ramses O’Flaherty who is signing my paycheque,” Nureyev replied, a bit confused.

“But that makes no sense,” Juno argued, his incredulity almost palpable. “His political ads, his speeches, hell, his entire platform is built on being anti-crime and anti-cop! The Piranha and the crap I found at her safehouse are the complete opposite.”

Nureyev’s curiosity was piqued at that. “You saw what was in the cases?”

“Yeah?” Juno replied, a bit confused. “O’Flaherty didn’t tell you what was in them?”

“He was insistent that I refrain from looking,” Nureyev replied thoughtfully. “He was also going on about the Greater Good, though I had stopped listening at that point.”

“Yeah, that does sound like O’Flaherty,” Juno sighed. “The one case had a little chip in it. Something called the THEIA something or whatever. The other stuff was some tech, looked like drones with a ton of firepower. The inscription said they were—”

Juno cut himself off to think back, trying to remember the inscriptions and what they said. He jolted when he remembered that the items were from New Kinshasa, and they all were marked with G.A.S. preceding a series of numbers.

“Juno?” Nureyev prompted him gently, his voice filled with concern.

“The tech was from New Kinshasa,” Juno started cautiously, sucking in a deep breath when Nureyev tensed. “Some… hyper-mobile update to their Guardian Angel System.”

All of the colour left Nureyev’s face as he asked quietly, “... What?” Juno could see in Nureyev’s eyes that he was living a waking nightmare, and he wanted to stop the entire conversation and hold him.

“Back then, I sent Rita a picture of the stuff and had her look it up. Turns out, about twenty years ago, New Kinshasa started pouring a ton of money into R&D,” Juno explained instead. “I guess some radicals almost destroyed the whole city, so they wanted something that wouldn’t be so easy to take down.”

“And how did O’Flaherty come into possession of this?” Nureyev asked, his voice shaking with barely concealed anger. Juno could understand that feeling.

“Well, with the end of the war and Brahma joining the Solar government, they needed money,” Juno replied with an angry laugh. “They started selling units to interested parties to test the whole thing. Nothing says ‘peace’ like a government institution selling weapons to private investors.”

Nureyev smirked at the sarcasm, but his voice was tight as he asked, “And what did you learn about these radicals?”

“Not much,” he replied with a shrug, and is startled a bit by the sharp look Nureyev gives him. “I mean, Rita probably knew more at the time, but then she went off about some betrayal plot on one of her streams.”

“But after the case—”

“Nureyev, everyone I loved was being threatened after the case,” Juno reminded him. “I told Rita to get rid of all that info she dug up after the first goon threatened me in the hospital.”

Nureyev nodded woodenly, his eyes distant as he apparently stared at Juno’s knees.

“You okay, Nureyev?” Juno asked, and it came out far more tenderly than he wanted it to be, but he couldn’t help it.

Nureyev snapped out of his thoughts and met Juno’s gaze again with a distracted, “Hm?”

“You went somewhere far away,” Juno said, and he wanted to hold Nureyev’s hand, to bring him back and soothe that troubled expression from his face.

Nureyev watched Juno as well, obviously debating something behind his bright eyes. Something shifted in Nureyev’s expression, something sharp and dangerous, and Juno felt his breath catch in his throat.

“I’m planning to steal the weapons and have them destroyed,” Nureyev said firmly. “They shouldn’t be in anyone’s hands.”

“Glad to hear it,” Juno said, aiming for sarcastic, but it came out sincerely pleased. “I mean, I figured, because I know, roughly, what happens on Brahma, but—”

“I was one of the so-called ‘radicals’. Twenty years ago, with my mentor,” Nureyev confessed, the words rushed and hitting Juno hard in the chest. “We were hardly radicals, honestly. We were thieves, stealing the core to the Guardian Angel System.”

“But… Rita told me the same core that powered the weapon—”

“Also powered the levitation system for the city, yes. My mentor misled me about the job, and when I found out the city would be destroyed, I tried to reason with him. Or stop him. I was…” Nureyev trailed off, looking haunted before he snapped himself out of it. “It doesn’t matter. When he refused to stop, I— I killed him.”

“Nureyev…” Juno started, but he had nothing he could say to that.

Looking at the thief now, Juno realized how young Nureyev would have been when that all happened. It made Juno’s heart ache for Nureyev, and then he remembered what Nureyev had said over dinner. His mentor had saved him from the streets, and later he felt he had to kill the man to save a whole city.

“I don’t regret it. I couldn’t see the justification in destroying an entire city, and I still can’t,” Nureyev said after a few moments, his tone clipped and rehearsed. It sounded defensive, like something the thief repeated to himself daily. It was the first thing Nureyev had said that felt like a lie the whole evening, but Juno knew it wasn’t a lie for him. “He was wrong, and I couldn’t let him leave with the core.”

Juno wanted to leave it there, but he never could stop asking questions. “Then why does it look like you regret it?”

Nureyev’s features closed up, like shutters being pulled. “Is that relevant right now?” he asked curtly.

Juno watched him, a sadness for Nureyev so deep in his heart he felt close to crying, and his anger from earlier was all but forgotten. Eventually, he shook his head with a heavy sigh.

“No, I guess it’s not, you’re right,” he said before he added a bit awkwardly, “Thanks for… telling me, I guess. You didn’t have to.”

Nureyev shook himself a bit, straightening his posture, and raised an eyebrow. “My name is attached to that job, so the moment you would’ve had Rita look me up, you would have known. She likely already knows my name without realizing it.”

Juno was quiet for several long moments, rolling Nureyev’s words around in his head. That was all true, and he was sure Rita would have pulled up any information on him that she wanted. Hell, there was probably information out there Nureyev thought was completely hidden, but Rita could find.

“I wanted to hear what stories you have in your own words…”

He bit the inside of his cheek thoughtfully as he remembered Nureyev’s words from dinner.

“I wasn’t going to ‘look you up’,” he finally said.

Nureyev looked visibly shocked, and then sceptical. “And why not?”

Juno shrugged with a sad chuckle. “Why didn’t you look me up?” he countered.

It was almost funny enough for Juno to laugh when realization dawned on Nureyev, his eyes widening with a soft “oh” as he looked down at his hands in his lap.

The conversation had gotten too emotional, too vulnerable for Juno to handle at the moment, so he changed the subject. “So what’s the plan? What are we doing?”

Nureyev met his gaze again, deeply concerned. “We?” he asked.

“Yeah, ‘we’. You and I both want those weapons destroyed,” Juno replied firmly. “I want to stop Pilot and Ramses, and you brought me back into this mess whether you meant to or not. I’m coming with you, and you’re not going to stop me.”

Nureyev made a small noise and shook his head. “But Juno, your eye—”

“—Isn’t coming back any time soon! And hey, I figure I owe it some payback anyway,” Juno interrupted with a shrug, his tone flippant and deliberately infuriating.

Nureyev was flustered, visibly stressed at the thought of Juno joining him. Juno would have found it cute, even flattering, if he wasn’t still coming down from his hurt and anger.

“Juno, I can’t— it’s dangerous—” Nureyev started again and Juno laughed a bit.

“I’m a private eye, Nureyev. ‘Danger’ is in the job description,” he said with a roll of his eyes. “Give me a real reason.”

Nureyev paused for a long time before leaning forward to gently, tentatively touch the back of Juno’s hand. Without hesitation, Juno turns his hand and allows Nureyev to hold it.

“I don’t want to see you get hurt by them again,” Nureyev confessed very quietly, barely loud enough for Juno to hear.

Juno felt his heart flip several times, his breath leaving him in a short whoosh, and he had to fight to be annoyed at the coddling. “I can handle myself, Nureyev,” he snapped with a pout, though it held no heat.

“Oh, I know, my dear detective. I would never doubt your resilience,” Nureyev said with a small laugh, reaching up with his other hand to cup Juno’s cheek. His expression turned so soft and earnest, Juno felt overwhelmed with his want for that gentle concern. “I only wish you knew you didn’t always have to. You could just let me do this and be done with it entirely.”

For a moment, Juno very nearly gave in to that soft request, to let Nureyev take care of him, of their combined mess, but that was just not possible for him.

“You don’t seem to get it,” Juno said with a shake of his head. “This is my problem, my screw-up, my responsibility. Plus, you got me involved again.”

Nureyev stroked the back of Juno’s hand and cheek with his thumbs thoughtfully, and the sensation of the smooth leather of his gloves sent shivers up Juno’s spine. “Fair enough,” he said eventually, nodding. “Just know that I’m not used to working with someone else.”

The two of them spent the better part of an hour going over Nureyev’s existing plans for the heist, working Juno into them and reworking the parts that wouldn’t work with two people. The plan had been brilliant to start with, and Juno almost felt bad about coming in with a sledgehammer. However, when all was said and done, Juno was legitimately confident in the new plan.

That— being confident in the plan— was enough to plant a seedling of doubt in his gut. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he heard Benten calling him ‘Lady Raincloud’ and dismissed his nerves. He and Nureyev were both professionals in their own ways, and they could handle an in-and-out job.

Juno was standing at the desk next to where Nureyev sat, bent at the waist and propped on one hand, idly chewing on his thumbnail while he stared at the laptop screen. “I can have Rita look into finding a different way in, but the sewer is really our best bet. And maybe a better way to deal with the security cameras,” he murmured, mostly to himself but Nureyev hummed his agreement. “I’m not liking how tight that window is.”

If Nureyev was uncomfortable involving Rita, he didn’t say anything.

“So,” Juno said slowly, looking at Nureyev. “Two nights from now?”

“That should give us enough time to collect what intel we need,” Nureyev confirmed, before looking up at him and slyly adding with a smirk, “It also gives me at least twenty-four more hours to convince you to stay out of it.”

Juno smirked right back. “Don’t count on it.”

A moment of absolute silence stretched between them as they looked at each other, and slowly Nureyev’s smirk softened to something fond. Juno jumped a bit as gloved fingers slid gently against the outside of his bare thigh before he shivered. With a shaky sigh, Juno leaned into the contact.

“Juno, I—” Nureyev started hesitantly before taking a deep breath. “I want you to know that I care very deeply for you, and that I never thought of you as a mark, that— I meant everything I’ve said and more.”

“I know,” Juno said in a quiet voice, and he was surprised by himself. The sincerity in Nureyev’s eyes was overwhelming, and enough to break through his usual cloud of doubt for the moment.

“The true depths of my— my feelings are unknown even to me,” Nureyev continued earnestly, apparently on a roll. “They terrify me, Juno. Whenever I try to understand them, and the thought of leaving after all this…”

Juno stood back up to his full height and turned toward Nureyev, holding his face in his hands. When Nureyev allowed his eyes to flutter shut, Juno released a shuddering breath. “You don’t have to go,” Juno whispered, surprising himself yet again with his soft begging.

What right did he have asking that of Nureyev?

Nureyev’s face twisted sadly, and his lashes looked a bit wet. “Juno, please—”

“You can stay,” Juno pushed, talking over Nureyev desperately. “Rita can clear any record you have, set you up with everything you need, I have connections—”

“Juno, stop, please,” Nureyev pleaded, his voice so soft Juno’s heart ached. When Nureyev opened his eyes again to look up at him, his eyes glassy. “You know I can’t stay, even if I wanted to give everything up. I do not want to retire, and I cannot stay on Mars, my love.”

Juno closed his eyes and nodded, chewing on the inside of his cheek. “I know,” he replied.

Nureyev took a deep breath and Juno could feel him shaking nervously. “Would you come with me?” he asked, in a voice so fragile Juno held completely still lest he break something. The question hit him like a solid punch to his gut, and for a few wild seconds the ‘yes’ was on the tip of his tongue.

But then he thought of Benten, and Rita, and where would they fit in his brave new future with Nureyev? A man he knew for all of two weeks? It was absurd.

“I’m sorry,” Juno whispers, his voice barely audible, even to himself. “Nureyev, I—”

“Hush, dear detective,” Nureyev said soothingly, lifting a hand to gently hold one of Juno’s wrists, the other still stroking his thigh. The contact is chaste, but it was intimate beyond anything Juno had ever experienced, even with Diamond. Now that he was looking down at Nureyev, seeing him with his hair loose, heart open, and Juno’s lipstick still smeared in places, Juno felt heat returning to his gut.

“I… I would like to spend whatever time we have left together, however you wish,” Nureyev said, his eyes soft and wet with emotion. “I will understand, however, if you wouldn’t want that.”

Juno sucked in a slow breath, shaky as it was with his conflicting thoughts. He was still upset, still angry, and normally he would have made someone who made him that angry work to get his favour back. But Nureyev didn’t have that sort of time— they didn’t have that sort of time. Here in this hotel room was possibly the last time they would be together like this, and there was the entire possibility that one or both of them would be killed in two days.

So Juno stepped closer to Nureyev, bracketing one of his knees with his legs so he could stand flush to Nureyev’s body. Nureyev tipped his head back obligingly, with his eyes half-lidded and lips parted. Without hesitation, Juno dipped his head and kissed Nureyev, soft and sweet, swallowing the quiet sound of surprise the thief made.

Nureyev immediately wrapped an arm around his waist, his strength surprising given how thin his arm felt, and his hand twisted in the fabric of Juno’s dress. The hand on his thigh squeezed with sudden bruising strength as Nureyev deepened the kiss, Juno meeting him halfway with his tongue.

Juno had tangled his hands in Nureyev’s hair once again, twisting in the length of it and holding him in place, whining petulantly when Nureyev began to pull back.

“Juno, wait—” Nureyev began, their mouths still together and panting. Even as he was trying to talk, Nureyev was pressing small kisses on and around Juno’s lips.

“Nureyev, c’mon,” he managed to mumble through their needy kisses.

Nureyev slid his hand further up Juno’s thigh, slipping under the straps of the flower harness he wore and nearly grabbing his ass. The straps pulled tight against the soft flesh of Juno’s thigh, pulling a desperate gasp from him. At that, Nureyev pulled away from the kiss completely, meeting Juno’s eye. He was panting already, and Juno quite liked the image he made, dishevelled as he was with hair a mess and dark red lipstick smeared over his lips.

“Juno, I don’t want to do anything that will hurt you,” Nureyev said, and Juno could tell he meant it. That doesn’t mean he didn’t try to laugh it off.

“I like a little pain, don’t worry about that, Nureyev,” he said with a smirk. “My safe word is—”

“Juno, I’m being serious!” Nureyev snapped lightly, though interestingly enough there was some legitimate interest in his expression.

Juno sighed and stooped to kiss Nureyev again, sweet and chaste, and he hoped it was full of everything he was feeling. Words were hard at the best of times, but especially when things were intense. Juno had always been better with his actions, or at least he liked to think he was. And right then he just wanted so much, so deeply, he could hardly breathe with it.

“Nureyev, I want this, I wouldn’t start it if I didn’t. And yeah, I’m still pissed at you, and yeah it’s going to hurt like hell when you leave,” Juno finally said, leaning his forehead against Nureyev’s. “But that’s at least two days away, and I just want to… have this while I can. If you don’t want to after all, I get it. I’ll go home and see you tomorrow at the cafe.”

“Are you sure?” Nureyev asked.

“Nureyev, I’m sure,” Jun replied impatiently.

Nureyev’s lips spread into a shit-eating grin. “Absolutely positive?”

“Knock it off, Nureyev,” Juno growled, moaning softly into a kiss that suddenly captured his lips.

Nureyev smiled warmly up at him when he pulled back. “Just need to hear you say it,” he sighed, and Juno rolled his eyes.

“Glad we cleared that up, then, now can we—”

Juno let out a squeak of surprise when Nureyev stood up, the arm around his back and gloved hand on his thigh steadying him. His mouth was seized in a hungry kiss, the pressure rough and full of teeth, as he was half-walked, half-carried the handful of steps back into the bedroom.

Nureyev let him go once they reached the edge of the bed to work on Juno’s belt. He hadn’t done it up quite right when he put it back on earlier, so Nureyev did have to pull away from the kiss with a laugh to undo it properly. Juno grinned up at him like a dope at the laugh, and accepted the kiss that was dropped to his mouth once the belt fell away and the drape of the gown fell open again.

Juno tried to think about it as a fling, that he wasn’t impossibly far gone on Nureyev already, that his laugh didn’t fill him with so much light he feared he might burst from it.

Nureyev reached up to gently touch Juno’s eyepatch in silent question, and panic flooded his veins with ice. He wasn’t ready for Nureyev to see his eye just yet, not ready for him to look at him with disgust or pity or that terrible combination of both.

When Juno jerkily shook his head, Nureyev smiled gently and backed off without question.

“Now how does the rest of this come off, love?” he asked, tugging at Juno’s dress a bit.

Juno’s relief was so overwhelming, he almost had to sit down. Instead, he huffed out a soft laugh and dragged Nureyev back down into a needy kiss, happily swallowing his soft sound of surprise.

- - - - -

Juno dozed a bit after his athletic evening with Nureyev. He had closed his eyes while Nureyev got up to get a washcloth, and truthfully hadn’t tried too hard to stay awake.

However, he must have slept deeper and longer than he had meant to. When Juno opened his eyes again, he found that he was cleaned up and tucked in under the duvet. Juno sighed contentedly as he registered the warm, naked body he was cuddled up against, a strong lean arm wrapped loosely around his shoulder. Nureyev’s long, slender fingers traced little symbols into the skin on the cap of Juno’s shoulder, the sensation ticklish but pleasant. Juno shifted so his legs were tangled with Nureyev’s, sighing when the arm around him held him tighter.

With a hum, Juno wrapped an arm around Nureyev’s waist and pressed a lazy kiss to his chest where his head rested. He didn’t move away immediately, instead inhaling a deep breath through his nose. Juno’s head swam with the scent of Nureyev’s cologne, the smell of it somehow stronger with the musk of sweat and sex in the air.

Juno couldn’t help the little groan he made as he adjusted himself on top of Nureyev. When Juno nuzzled his nose against the skin of his throat, Nureyev made a small, happy sound and Juno grinned tiredly.

He never wanted to leave that bed, a realization that sunk heavily in his gut.

“That was amazing,” Nureyev said around a huge yawn, sounding perfectly blissed-out and sated.

Juno snorted, even as tears gathered in his eyes again. ‘Amazing’ was an understatement, which was a problem for Juno. Part of him had hoped sex with Nureyev would have been boring, or even bad, so it would have been easier for when Nureyev had to leave him. But of course, it hadn’t been; it was amazing, like nothing else Juno had ever had with another person.

Things could never be easy for Juno Steel.

“Yeah,” Juno sighed, closing his eyes. “It was.”

They laid together in comfortable silence, and Juno began dozing again as Nureyev scratched his back lightly. His eyepatch was getting uncomfortable, and he began debating taking it off. Maybe it would be okay. Nureyev was different, Juno was sure of it. Panic kicked up his heart rate, and the thought of testing that after something so perfect was nauseating.

“Juno? Are you awake?” Nureyev asked hesitantly, snapping Juno out of his spiralling thoughts. With a relieved sigh, Juno tilted his head up to look at Nureyev’s face.

“What’s up?” Juno asked, his voice laced with exhaustion. Before he could think about it or stop himself, he kissed Nureyev’s shoulder gently before propping himself on an elbow to better meet his gaze.

Nureyev was smiling at him, his eyes half-lidded and bright even in the low lighting. He looked so warm and perfect with his long hair loose around his face and shoulders. Lipstick still stained his mouth, jaw, and throat, tempting Juno to retrace his steps.

When Nureyev lifted his hand to cup his cheek, Juno turned his head to kiss his palm, closing his eyes and breathing that intoxicating scent in again.

“Oh, love,” Nureyev whispered, sliding his hand back to pull Juno into a slow, languid kiss. Juno sighed into it and pouted a bit when the thief ended it. “You’re making this very difficult.”

“You chose me, so that’s what you get,” Juno said cheekily, but was very aware that Nureyev had something serious on his mind.

“You asked me earlier why I—” Nureyev began hesitantly, his voice strained until he cleared his throat. “You asked earlier why I appeared to regret killing my… mentor, Mag.”

“Yeah, but you don’t actually have to answer that,” Juno replied. Curiosity burned in his gut, but the warm flush had left Nureyev’s face, and Juno could feel how tense he was. “I shouldn’t have asked that.”

“I want to answer it. Or I at least want you to know,” Nureyev insisted, pushing himself up to recline against the pillows more upright. “After all of that, you should know.”

“I mean, if it’s that important to you, go ahead,” Juno replied, shifting to straddle Nureyev’s lap and meet his gaze easily. Nureyev smiled gently at him before leaning in for a lingering kiss. When he pulled back, he took a deep, fortifying breath.

“He was going to kill a city of innocent people, so I knew I had to stop him. But when my knife sank into his back…” Nureyev trailed off, closing his eyes as he worked through something in his head, Without thinking, Juno reached up to tuck some of Nureyev’s hair behind his ear.

“I wasn’t sure if I did it to stop him, and that there truly was no other way to do so,” Nureyev continued after a few quiet moments, “Or if I only did it because he lied.”

Juno took a deep breath and nodded, unsure of what to do with a confession like that. “About the Guardian Angel System?” he asked to clarify his meaning.

Nureyev shook his head with a soft, bitter laugh. “It would have been easier if that was his biggest lie,” Nureyev replied. “But he lied about my father.”

Juno waited for Nureyev, watching his face as he thought about his next words. It hit him suddenly that Nureyev likely hadn’t said any of this out loud to anyone before, that Juno was the first to hear this particular dark corner of Nureyev’s history.

Something small, yet terrifying fluttered to life in the back of Juno’s mind, which he quickly squashed.

“He saved me from the streets, raised me, taught me everything I know now, all while he fed me this elaborate tale about a father who was a martyr for the cause,” Nureyev continued, and he couldn’t meet Juno’s gaze anymore. “I built my entire identity around my name, that idea, that story. I wanted so badly to live up to my father’s legacy, to make everyone proud of me the way he did.”

“But it was a lie,” Juno finished for him, his breath leaving him in a whoosh at the thought of being lied to like that. Sure, Diamond’s deception had hurt, but that was so small and petty compared to what Nureyev was telling him.

“I was so confused and lost after I killed him, and I just stopped thinking about it. Filed it away and moved on,” Nureyev said with a sigh, rolling his eyes at himself. “I was just afraid of what it would make me if I only killed him for lying.”

Juno frowned as Nureyev finished, opening his mouth to say something, but thought better of it. He wasn’t sure how much Nureyev would appreciate his lame insights, so instead he stretched upward to place a soft kiss to the corner of Nureyev’s mouth. Nureyev immediately tilted his head to accept the kiss with his lips, even as his brow furrowed in confusion and shock.

Juno pulled away and settled back against Nureyev, dropping his head onto his chest to doze off again.

“That makes sense,” he said softly, listening to the frantic heartbeat under his ear.

Nureyev was quiet for a while before he asked, “That’s all? Just ‘that makes sense’?”

Juno shrugged, suddenly concerned he had read the entire conversation wrong. “I mean, thanks… for telling me? You didn’t have to?” Juno said awkwardly, cringing at himself.

“Juno, please look at me,” Nureyev requested, and that was the last thing on the planet Juno wanted to do.

Nonetheless, Juno sat up again and met his gaze, biting the inside of his cheek. Nureyev’s eyes were wet with unshed tears, and confusion was written across his face.

“I just told you I murdered someone I considered a parent, and you… don’t care?” he asked, his voice weak with his uncertainty.

“I care, Nureyev, but I just…” As always, Juno struggled for the right words at the worst time, letting out a frustrated huff. “I care about you. And, I don’t know, the problem or moral dilemma you’re having with it makes sense. I guess I would be worried if you weren’t torn up about it. But you did it twenty years ago and saved an entire city. If you want me to hold it against you now, you’re out of luck.”

Nureyev looked baffled before he reached up to pull Juno down into a deep, but chaste kiss. When Juno moaned softly and opened up for him, the thief sighed.

When Juno pulled back, Nureyev was smiling so softly up at him, it broke his heart.

“Stay the night?” Nureyev asked quietly.

Juno wanted nothing more than to say yes, to say that he would stay forever if Nureyev would simply ask. He thought about everything Nureyev had told him, how open he had been, and suddenly Juno wanted to tell Nureyev about Diamond. He wanted to lay in that bed and whisper confessions, and kiss, and make love into the early hours of the morning.

He wanted it all with Peter Nureyev.

As if on cue, Juno’s comms began to beep and he scrambled to the end of the bed. He found it on the ground and quickly put it in his ear.

“Juno Steel,” he answered curtly, glancing back at Nureyev.

“Juno, where the hell are you?” Benten scolded shrilly, and Juno flinched. “It’s after midnight, and you said you would call!”

Juno cringed and stuck his tongue out at Nureyev’s smug smirk. “Yeah, sorry Ben, we just got busy talking,” he said, and it wasn’t a complete lie. “I’m just waiting for the cab and I’ll be home soon. Go to bed.”

Benten was quiet for several long moments before he said, “Talking, huh?”

“Yes, Benzaiten, talking,” Juno said through gritted teeth, his face hot with embarrassment. “Go to bed.”

Benten sighed dramatically. “Fine. You owe me a full play-by-play in the morning, though,” he said.

“Yeah, whatever,” Juno said with a snort. “See you in the morning.”

The commes beeped as Benten hung up and Juno looked back at Nureyev properly. He was struck all over again by the image Nureyev made surrounded by pillows, long hair messy and knotted, lipstick stains all over and completely naked. Had he been younger, Juno knew he would be hard again and ready for round two.

Nureyev smiled at him and leaned over to the bedside table for his own comms. “You try to get cleaned up a bit, and I’ll call you a cab,” Nureyev offered and was already dialling a number in.

Juno crawled back up the bed to kiss Nureyev deeply before slipping away into the bathroom.

He stared at his face in the mirror, at the way his lipstick was smeared from their kisses, and his mascara and eyeliner had run with his tears. Closing the bathroom door and locking it, Juno took the eyepatch off and grabbed the make-up wipes provided by the hotel.

They were decent quality, and did a decent enough job in cleaning up his racoon eyes, but proved useless when he tried to deal with the mess of lipstick that was smeared up his cheek. It appeared that Benten exclusively purchased make-up for demons, he thought bitterly before wetting a washcloth and giving himself another quick wash.

Stepping back into the bedroom, Juno found it to be empty. He could hear Nureyev on his laptop out in the living room, humming quietly, so Juno picked his dress and shoes up off the floor and went to join him.

Nureyev was sitting cross-legged on the couch with his laptop. The image of him sitting there was striking, with Nureyev completely naked except for his glasses, with lipstick stains all over his pale skin and his hair still a tangled mess around his face. Something about seeing Nureyev like that— sleepy and dishevelled, head tilted upward while he squinted through his glasses thoughtfully— had Juno wishing for more time or a different life, whatever it took to keep it.

It was so soft and intimate, Juno’s heart ached and he wanted nothing more than to drag Nureyev back to bed and kiss him senseless.

Instead, Juno pulled his dress back on, doing the belt up as he stopped to stand behind the couch. Bending at the waist, Juno wrapped his arms around Nureyev’s shoulders and pressed a hot, open-mouthed kiss to the side of Nureyev’s throat before looking at the computer screen.

It was a window full of different surveillance feeds for the hotel, and Juno raised an eyebrow. “What’re you up to now?”

Nureyev turned his head to capture Juno’s lips in a searching kiss, groaning when Juno opened for him. When he finally pulled away, he said, “I’m going to walk you out.”

“You might need to put on more clothes, Nureyev,” Juno said with a suggestive lilt, running a hand down Nureyev’s naked torso teasingly. He delighted in Nureyev’s shiver, pressing another kiss to his throat, aiming higher so his lips teased just below Nureyev’s jaw.

“No, my dear detective, I’ll be walking you out my way,” Nureyev replied, shuddering again.

“And that means…?” Juno prompted, keeping his mouth pressed to the thief’s heated skin.

“You will be on your comms, and I will coordinate looping camera footage while I direct you through your escape,” Nureyev elaborated, and the excited tone to his voice brought a smile to Juno’s face. “The cab I’ve called will meet you where the stairway lets out on the street.”

Juno stood up to finish adjusting his dress, shifting the draping fabric to cover his front more securely. He made a mental note to give Nureyev a proper lecture about using knives on his underthings later.

“Sounds kinda fun. I’m game,” Juno eventually said, sitting down to put his boots back on.

Nureyev smiled and winked playfully at him. “That’s only partially why I want to do this.”

“Your other reasons?” Juno asked.

“I want to see how well we can work together, first of all,” Nureyev replied and then gave Juno a suggestive smile, showing off his teeth. “I also enjoy bossing you around a bit.”

Juno scoffed, even as heat flooded through him. Standing up, he crossed the distance to Nureyev and bent to give Nureyev a soft kiss. The thief sighed and lifted his hands to hold the back of Juno’s head gently, opening up for Juno’s tongue.

“Don’t get used to it,” Juno teased as he pulled away and stood back up. Putting his comms in his ear, he walked over to the door. “Let’s do this then.”

“Alright, love,” Nureyev began with a grin. “Down the hall to the left there is a door to the stairwell on the right. Once you’re on the landing, call me.”

Juno saluted, resolutely ignoring the curl of heat in his gut at the commanding tone. “Got it,” he said, hoping it sounded steadier than he felt.

Nureyev smirked knowingly. “Go no further than the landing though, Juno,” he added, the firmness in his tone hardening. “Can you manage that for me?”

Juno felt his face grow hot and bit his cheek, nodding quickly. Not trusting himself to speak, he muttered a quick mm-hmm and turned fully toward the door.

“Juno,” Nureyev chastised lightly, and Juno dropped his forehead against the door.

“Yes, Nureyev, I can manage it,” he said, his voice a bit strained.

“Good girl,” Nureyev said, and Juno could hear the smirk in his voice at his shudder. “Let’s begin then.”

Juno quickly stepped out into the halway, leaning back against the door to take a deep breath. His pulse was jumping, with excitement about what they had done and what they were about to do, anxiety and anticipation for the heist to come. A grin overtook him, and Juno had to work not to laugh a bit out loud.

With that, he hurried down the hall, and slipped into the stairwell, already halfway through dialling Nureyev’s comms by the time he opened the door.

“Excellent work thus far, darling,” Nureyev purred as he answered.

“Knock it off,” Juno grumbled, smiling. “We have work to do.”

“Knock what off, dear detective?” he asked, sounding excessively innocent.

“You know what I mean,” Juno replied.

Nureyev sighed, and Juno could hear his eye-roll. “Fine, we can do this the boring way for the sensitive detective,” he complained and Juno snorted.

It went smoothly from there, Juno stopping and going all the way down the stairwell according to Nureyev’s directions. Soon enough, Juno found himself pushing through a door and out onto the street. Parked at the curb, there was a cab waiting, the driver barely blinking at Juno’s sudden appearance before he opened the back door.

“Mr Dahlia Rose?” the cabby confirmed as Juno stepped closer.

“That’s me,” he said with a laugh, and then into his commes, “Thank’s Duke, I’ll see you tomorrow morning?”

Nureyev chuckled warmly, and Juno felt something pull in his chest. “Of course, my love,” he said softly, making Juno’s heart stutter. “I wouldn’t miss breakfast for the world.”

The comms beeped as Juno disconnected, and he gave the cabby his address as he slid into the backseat.

The drive was quiet, disturbed only by the sound of the cabby’s radio, leaving Juno to his thoughts. Juno looked out the window, watching Hyperion City roll by with a wistful smile.

He’d had an amazing evening, even with the emotional argument with Nureyev in the middle of it. Juno felt his chest squeeze as he thought about it, biting his lip as he leaned against the window. He thought about Nureyev saying “my love” all evening, about the feeling of Nureyev’s body under his as he dozed, about the quiet confession regarding the death of the man who made him.

“Stay the night?”

The memory of that quiet, vulnerable question, the hope that filled Nureyev’s tone, struck Juno in the chest. With sudden, intense clarity, he knew he would never be able to write the night off as a casual fling. It shouldn’t have been a surprise, given that Juno knew going into it that he was completely disinterested in sex unless his heart was in it. Juno didn’t do ‘flings.’

Juno knew he was in love with the thief, no matter how stupid that was, and for the brief seconds before the fear and heartach could catch up, he felt overwhelmed with joy.

“I do not want to retire, and I cannot retire to Mars, my love.”

Remembering that felt like a solid punch to the gut. Unshed tears stung his eyes and Juno hated himself for them. He knew the entire time that Nureyev would be leaving. He knew he wouldn’t get to keep him.

The cab stopped outside his apartment, and the cabby shook his head when Juno went to transfer the creds.

“No need. Mr Rose has already paid the fare and tip,” the cabby said, smiling at Juno’s indignant expression.

“Of course he did,” Juno grumbled but still transferred the creds. “Take it.”

“Uh, Mr Rose insisted—”

“Take the money, it’s a tip,” Juno said sternly, and slid out as the cabby thanked him profusely.

Approaching the front door of his and Benten’s apartment, he was relieved to see that there were no lights on inside. Juno didn’t want to deal with Benten while he was so close to crying and his lipstick was smeared across his cheek.

Once he was inside, he worked on getting his boots off, the first one having him curse under his breath as he struggled to untie it. Juno was exhausted and sore, and he just wanted to go to bed.

The tears welled up too quickly for Juno to blink them away, and he pulled off his eyepatch before he really started crying.

The light from the kitchen clicked on, startling a small shriek out of Juno.

“Do you have any idea what time it is, young lady?” Benten shouted, his tone teasing, but Juno was not in the mood for it.

“Har har, Ben. That’s super hilarious and not old at all,” Juno grumbled, trying to keep his tone light as he struggled with his boots, pointedly keeping his back turned toward his brother.

Of course, Benten could easily hear the barely restrained distress in Juno’s voice and he could hear Benten crossing the living room. “Hey, what’s wrong?” he asked.

Juno was frantic in his fight with his boots, needing to get them off so he could hide in the bathroom and get cleaned up. He couldn’t let Benten see him like that, especially not after what they had talked about before his night out.

By the time Juno had gotten free of this first boot, Benten was close enough to catch a glimpse of his messed up make-up and the hickeys on his shoulder and neck. Worst of all, he could see Juno’s unshed tears and Benten was instantly angry.

“Juno, what the fuck—”

“I know, Benten, I fucked up,” Juno said quickly, and he finally got the second boot off and hurried off to the bathroom. He locked himself inside, and when Benten began knocking, Juno shouted, “Go away, Benten! I honestly don’t need your lecture right now!”

“Lecture?” Benten asked, sounding legitimately confused and pausing long enough for Juno to answer.

However, Juno chose to try to ignore his brother, taking out a washcloth and wetting it to try and wash the make-up off. At Juno’s silence, Benten resumed his assault on the door.

“Did he hurt you?” Benten demanded, and Juno was completely thrown off by the question.

“What? No, Benten, I’m fine!” he replied, flinching when his voice cracked a bit. It didn’t sound convincing at all.

“Juno, seriously get out here! I will hunt him down right now and kill him if—”

Juno flung the bathroom door back open and dodged Benten’s fist, which was mid-knock. His brother was wild-eyed, looking so worried, and suddenly he understood his brother’s concern.

“It’s fine, Ben, seriously,” Juno insisted, grabbing Benten’s shoulders. “He didn’t— it’s not what you’re thinking.”

“Juno, you’re crying—”

“I know! I know. Seriously, he was great, he was nice, he was just…” Juno trailed off, unsure of what to say to make Benten leave him alone about it. Juno knew what he looked like, what they discussed before his Not Date with Nureyev, and what it all meant in the long run. “It was fine.”

Benten did not look convinced. “You’re upset. It can’t be fine—”

“Yes, I”m upset!” Juno burst out with an explosive sigh, shaking his head. There was no point denying it, and he wasn’t getting out of the discussion before bed. “If you’re going to insist on doing this tonight, then help me with my make-up. I’m not talking about it while I look like this, and this lipstick is terrible.”

Benten crossed his arms with a frown before rolling his eyes. “Fine, go get out of that dress and meet me in the living room,” he said, turning away to head to the kitchen.

Juno got changed quickly, shivering at the soreness already settling in his hips, thighs, and ass. He knew he was going to be feeling it in the morning, but he didn’t regret a moment of that evening, even with how broken his heart was.

When Juno left his room, he found Benten set up with a tub of coconut oil, a few washcloths, and a bowl of water. There were also two separate pints of ice cream set off to the side on the coffee table and a stream playing quietly on the monitor.

“Ben,” Juno grumbled at the special treatment, sitting down heavily.

“Nuh-uh, Juno. You’re not going to bed like this,” Benten said sternly, warming up the coconut oil in his hands and smearing it over Juno’s face, particularly on his lips and eyes. “You know you can’t go to bed upset. I heard you in the bathroom the other day or whenever that was, by the way.”

“Sorry,” Juno mumbled, embarrassed that Benten had not only heard him, but was bringing it up at all.

“Why the hell are you apologizing to me?” Benten asked, pulling his hands away from Juno’s face to wipe them clean on one of the washcloths. “I said all of that shit to you, let you go to bed upset, and didn’t stick around to make sure you were okay the next morning. That was super shitty of me.”

“Ben—”

“No, shut up. Just this once, let someone else take the blame,” Benten interrupted, picking up another cloth and wetting it a bit. As he began wiping the oil off of Juno’s face, he sighed. “So. What happened?”

Juno actually let out a laugh at that and gestured vaguely at himself. “Well, he took me out to dinner, then we went back to his hotel room, and then I’m pretty sure you can guess what happened after that,” Juno said, trying to be as vague as possible about it.

Benten pulled back and dropped the hand holding the washcloth into his lap. “What does that mean, Juno?” he asked, but it was obvious he knew exactly what Juno had meant.

“We went back to his hotel to talk,” Juno said, blushing hotly when Benten raised his eyebrow at him. “And then we did, uh, a bit more than talking. And then a lot more than talking.”

“We had one rule! Which you agreed to!” Benten scolded, throwing the washcloth onto the coffee table.

“I know,” Juno said with a weak nod.

“It was ‘absolutely do not sleep with the criminal!’ And I even thought it would be easy for you to manage!” Benten continued, grabbing one of the pints of ice cream open and digging into it.

“Yeah, Ben, I remember,” Juno said miserably, grabbing his own ice cream and starting in on it a bit slower.

“And you still slept with him?”

“Yeup,” Juno replied sadly.

Benten made a disgusted noise, almost a gag, and said, “The man put an entire sandwich in his pocket, Juno.”

Juno frowned at him. “He didn’t have the pockets on while we fucked, Ben.”

Benten made another disgusted noise and fell quiet, silently fuming into his ice cream. Then he gasped. “What about the Chastity Thong? Between it and the harness, you were supposed to stop and think!” he insisted.

Juno rolled his eyes. “First of all, the harness just got him really excited, and second of all, I did stop to think,” Juno said, smiling smugly at Benten’s disgusted face. “But then Rex… cut the thong… off of me.”

Benten’s eyes widened. “Like, with scissors?”

Juno smirked at his brother. “With a knife.”

There were several moments of Benten just spluttering. “Wait, let me get this straight,” he finally said, his voice full of indignant shock. “Not only did you fuck a criminal, but you let his knife near your lady bits?”

“The knife didn’t get anywhere near my lady bits, Ben,” Juno replied, and he couldn’t quite keep the wistful note out of his voice.

“And you sound disappointed about that!” Benten cried, horrified by this revelation, and Juno couldn’t pass up the opportunity to mess with his brother.

“So what if I am?” Juno asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Eugh, gross, I’m suing for damages,” Benten whined, glaring while Juno laughed.

After a while, Benten sighed and began mostly picking at his ice cream. “Joking aside, you don’t do casual,” he said softly, and Juno laughed humourlessly. “Like, I know how you’re very much about… needing those intense romantic feelings to get things going like that.”

Juno nodded, biting the inside of his cheek as tears welled back up. “Yeup.”

“And… you slept with him,” Benten continued slowly.

“Yeup,” he confirmed, laughing a bit.

“So… is he, like, staying then?” Benten asked.

“Nope,” Juno huffed, lifting a hand to wipe away a tear that was about to fall.

“Juno…” Benten started, but let himself trail off.

“It was so impulsive,” Juno elaborated, sadly shovelling some ice cream into his mouth. He let the ice cream melt before he said, “I just… I wanted to have whatever I could get, even if I couldn’t keep it, you know?”

Benten was quiet for a long time before pulling Juno into a tight hug, which Juno was more than happy to accept. With some adjusting, Benten got the two of them snuggled under a pile of blankets on the couch, their legs tangled and shoulders touching, leaning their heads together as they worked on their ice cream.

“I really know how to pick’em, huh?” Juno asked eventually.

Benten hummed a bit. “I mean, I hate him, but he seems to really care about you, and he is hot, so I mean, other than the whole criminal and leaving thing, you didn’t do too bad.”

Juno snorted. “Seriously? You hate him?”

“‘Course I do, Juno. He wants to mess around with my brother! I mean, it’s been a struggle to hate him since his obvious disgust at seeing me at that gala, but you know…” Benten trailed off before he asked, “So, you had a good time?”

Juno smiled, his face feeling hot again. “Yeah, dinner was great,” he said a bit wistfully. “Rex took me to that super fancy place, Rouge-something.”

Benten tensed. “Isn’t that where…?”

“Diamond proposed? Yeah,” Juno said with a sigh, smiling down at his ice cream. “But it was fine. It was… it was really nice.”

Juno finished his ice cream, and put the container down on the coffee table. He snuggled into the blankets and relaxed against Benten’s side even more. After a few minutes of quiet between them, he asked, “Why is it always like this for me?”

“Hm?” Benten hummed curiously around a mouthful of his ice cream and Juno shrugged.

“The more I want something, the more the universe does to fuck it up for me,” he answered, and it sounded pathetic to his own ears, and humiliation flooded him when Benten sighed.

“Do you want me to be honest with you, or just let you feel sorry for yourself?” he asked, and Juno let out a bark of laughter.

“Would my answer actually change what you were planning to do?” Juno asked.

“Nope!” Benten said cheerfully and took a deep breath. “Juno, you ignore red flags like it’s your job. You think the flags are decoration, a feature and not a bug. You’re famous for it!”

Juno scoffed before sitting up to face Benten. “And you don’t?”

“Shut up, this isn’t about me, it’s about you,” Benten snapped, glaring. “Listen, you pegged him—”

“He actually pegged me—”

“Ew, shut up, I’m being serious and you’re being gross,” Benten said with a cringe. “You figured him out the instant you saw him. You knew he was bad news, and you knew he would leave since day one.”

Juno glared a bit but he couldn’t actually argue it.

Benten’s face and tone softened as he said, “So, it’s a lot less of the universe ‘ruining’ things and more just… the universe operating as normal.”

“Hmph,” was all Juno said before snuggling deeper into the blankets against Benten’s side.

“I just… really like Rex, Ben,” he confessed quietly, and sighed when Benten rested his cheek on the top of his head.

“He told you his name, then?” Benten asked, and Juno furrowed his brow, wondering if he slipped up somehow.

“Yeah, he told me everything, why— how did you know?” Juno asked.

“I remember you saying something about not calling him ‘Rex’ until you knew his actual name or something like that,” Benten said with a chuckle. “It was super dramatic, and I approved even if I called you an idiot about it.”

Juno laughed a bit and rolled his eyes. “Then yes, he told me his name, and no, I won’t tell you,” Juno said quickly, knowing that was going to be his next question.

For a bit, Benten just pouted into his ice cream until he smirked, meeting Juno’s gaze. “So… does he have an ass?”

Juno groaned loudly. “Goddamn it, Ben, seriously?”

Ben shrugged, scooping up the last big spoonful of his ice cream into his mouth and tossing the empty container onto the coffee table. “It’s a yesh’r no quesh’in, Juno,” he mumbled around the ice cream in his mouth.

“Ass isn’t all there is, Ben,” Juno said, and realizing that was enough of an answer on it’s own, he quickly added, “And it’s not like I really saw him from behind much!”

“Ah, so it’s just as I thought,” Benten hummed, nodding sagely. “No ass. Tragic.”

“Not confirming that assumption, but even if he did lack certain… assets,” Juno started with a sly smirk. “He more than makes up for with his amazing cock—”

“Oh! Gross!” Benten gagged pushing Juno away. “Both the terrible pun and the image of him fucking you in my head. Disgusting. I’m suing for damages!”

Juno laughed just before a huge yawn overtook him. “Can we finish this in the morning? I’m really tired.”

“Yeah, we can do that, Juno,” Benten said, his tone fond and Juno couldn’t help but smile..

With that, the two of them dozed off together on the couch, Juno’s head on his brother’s shoulder, and Benten’s arms wrapped loosely around him.

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#the penumbra podcast #the penumbra fanfic #junoverse #juno steel #jupeter #bittersweet #gerry writes #full fic

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digitaldreams0801 · 3 years

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FU But Gay

In honor of this comment on Frontiers Unexplored that made me laugh my ass off, it’s time to talk about gay stuff in the Frontier rewrite. (Minor spoilers for chapters 15-17 and contains very over the top humor)

I mentioned this in an author’s note somewhere in some chapter (I don’t know which one, and it might be for a chapter that hasn’t been released yet; as of this post, I am writing chapter 49 but have only posted chapter 30), but everybody in this cast is queer in some way. Why? I’m gay, and I like writing about gay characters.

Also, a very good point that I’ve heard brought up within the fandom is that when the Frontier cast becomes Digimon, they become something that isn’t at all confined by the boundaries of humanity. Gender? Sexuality? What are those? I only know Digimon.

Bokomon stated earlier in the story that Digimon don’t have gender either since you know. they’re data. so I took that as an excuse to make everybody gay! You get to be gay, you get to be gay, and you get to be gay!

Without further ado, let’s get gay.

Takuya

Takuya is bisexual and a trans guy. That’s right, transphobes! I sucked you in under the preconceived notion that all goggleheads are cis! Funny enough (not really), I actually had somebody get mad at me for the trans rep in this story before Takuya was even revealed as trans. They stopped reading after getting mad that I included nonbinary characters, but I didn’t care and kept going out of spite. Also, I want to say that since bisexuality doesn’t exclude nonbinary identities contrary to popular misconception, Takuya could feasibly get with Chihiro, so worry not to the people who ship those two (since there are more than I thought there would be). Takuya could feasibly use he/him and them/they pronouns, but he doesn’t have ~ a second gender crisis ~ until after the events of the story. Shoutout to Aguni, Vritra, and Alda for making that happen since they hate gender (probably). As of the time of the story though, Takuya uses exclusively he/him pronouns.

Koji

Koji is pansexual and nonbinary. The main reason that this comment made me cackle so much is because it was right; Takuya and Koji are bi and pan respectively. Koji doesn’t really give a damn about gender; he just wants to be held and also to punch his father but that’s irrelevant. Koji uses he/him and them/they pronouns, but he doesn’t come to terms with that until after the story ends. He’s faster with it than Takuya, but it still takes a bit.

Tomoki

Tomoki is asexual and panromantic. He uses he/him and they/them pronouns. Tomoki is one of multiple asexual characters since I myself am ace and love expressing that through the characters I write. Tomoki is baby, and we should all look after him no matter what.

Izumi

Izumi is, much like Koji and Tomoki, pansexual. She comes out as nonbinary after the story, and it is definitely thanks to Zephyrmon’s influence. Zephyr would 10/10 cause that and not really give a shit about it. She uses she/her and they/them pronouns.

Junpei

Junpei is bisexual and nonbinary. He likes he/him and they/them pronouns though he admittedly prefers the former. His romantic type is Koji or Izumi; there’s basically no in between. He’s a disaster bi but I love him and you should too.

Koichi

Koichi is asexual and demiromantic. He doesn’t really mind much what the gender is of the person that he ends up with as long as they care a lot about each other. He’s also nonbinary like Koji and comes out as using he/him and they/them pronouns not long after the book ends.

Chihiro

Chihiro is pansexual and nonbinary. They’re neutral on the gender of their partner but would probably have a bias towards other trans people because of their experiences with being nonbinary. They may or may not make gay jokes about themselves and Takuya for the hell of it they do. Chihiro uses exclusively they/them pronouns, and you will wind up on their shit list for insinuating that they are particularly masculine or feminine when they pretty clearly hate that.

Yumiko

Yumiko is yet another asexual character, and she’s panromantic like Tomoki. She has a bias towards women, but she could still wind up with anyone who respected her. She uses she/her pronouns, but the Digimon sides of her don’t really care about gender (Fioremon in particular really doesn’t give a flying fuck), so that could easily change in the future.

Hinoka

Hinoka is a demisexual lesbian who loves women. It takes a while for her to connect with others, but when she does connect with a girl, chances are Hinoka will wind up head over heels sooner or later. You know, as soon as she can figure out her feelings, but that could take a while. Hinoka uses she/her pronouns, but much like with Yumiko, this could change.

Saki

Saki is pansexual and genderfluid. As of the time of the story, Saki is only out as pansexual and nonbinary, not having realized that they’re genderfluid yet. Like with a few others, the influence of the Digimon pushes them to realize that they’re genderfluid. During the story, they use they/them pronouns, though they wind up using any pronouns after the story ends. They laugh when people struggle to figure out their gender at a first glance to further feed their internalized chaos.

Mayumi

Mayumi is pansexual and nonbinary. She comes to terms with being nonbinary after the story ends and starts using they/them pronouns in addition to she/her. Mayumi doesn’t really mind about the gender of the person she ends up with, and she would probably flirt with anybody if she had the motivation and the love for it. She doesn’t feel that way about anyone in the group, but she totally would if she did.

Haroi

Haroi is simply demisexual, though much like Mayumi, he comes out as nonbinary after the story. He uses he/him pronouns during the story and later comes to start also using they/them. Haroi doesn’t mind the gender of the person he winds up with, but it takes a while for him to develop feelings. In conclusion, he’s baby.

Closing Thoughts

What have we learned here today, kids? Everybody is gay. When you’re a Digimon, straight people don’t exist. Also, cis people are minimal because of Digimon gender stuff. If you want to headcanon the two cis characters (Yumiko and Hinoka) as nonbinary, go for it. You have free reign over your headcanons, and I sure as hell will not going to stop you. Woo for the gays! We won!

Also if anybody is wondering about the influence of the Spirits since I brought that up I’m developing an AU focused around that and I’ll share the info about it as soon as the spoilers on it have been revealed in canon which will happen in chapter 39 the AU is called Spirit Fuse and it’s very interesting

Anyways, that’s about it from me this time. This post was pretty casual and goofy as far as my writing goes, but this stuff is all canon. Go gays! We win!

#digimon #digimon frontier #frontier #rewrite #digital's frontier rewrite bs #frontiers unexplored

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always-and-forever-a-killjoy · 4 years

Text

Good afternoon fuckers, I wrote approximately 3k words in between roleplay, looking after kittens, and

Title: knight in a beat-up green jacket

Wordcount: 3055

Summary: Jet Star and the Kobra Kid are injured. Party Poison is having a rough time. Cherri Cola just wants to be helpful.

Warnings: Major warnings for hospitals, mentions of/implied serious injuries, and mentions of death as well as general awfulness. Please be careful when reading!

Taglist: @wishiwasthemoon-tonight @sleevesareforlosers @stressed-depressed-emo-mess @tasteofamnesia (message me, send an ask, or reblog/reply to one of my posts if you want to be added or removed)

AO3 Link

(Actual fic under the cut)

Party Poison was going to cry. Or scream. Or pass out. Because the report had come in, Dr. Death Defying’s gravelly voice echoing through the radio with the dreadful news. Bad news from the zones tumbleweeds. It looks like Jet-Star and the Kobra kid had a clap with an exterminator that went all Costa Rica and uh, got them selves ghosted, dusted out on route Guano. And Poison’s world had shattered.

They and Fun Ghoul had driven out, as fast as the Trans Am would take them, searching for their brother and friend. Kobra’s bike had been lying on its side by the side of the road, broken and scorched, just like his brother’s body would be-

But Kobra had been alive, if barely, and so had Jet. So Ghoul and Poison had bundled them in and rushed them to the hospital, and the doctors had taken then away without even a single reassurance. All they had gotten was a grim “We’ll do our best,” from the head medic. And now Ghoul had xyr head in xyr hands as he and Poison waited anxiously and Poison was going to pass out. They followed Ghoul’s lead and buried their head in their hands, trying to breathe and mostly failing. Kobra could be dead right now, Jet could be gone and Poison wouldn’t even know, not until the dour-faced head medic came out and told them so. Their brother could be dying, in pain and without his friends, and Poison wouldn’t even be there.

Just as it seemed like they couldn’t bear it any longer, rough, scarred hands materialized in their field of vision, pulling their hands away from their face.

“Poison. Poison.”

“Fuck off,” Poison choked out.

“Poison,” Cherri Cola’s voice said again, very patiently. “It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.”

“Nothing is going to be okay!”

“It is, I promise. I’m here-“

“And what’s a fucking wavehead going to do?”

They almost regretted the words, watching Cherri flinch. His voice was calm though, when he next spoke. “I checked in with the medics. Kobra is stabilized, but not ready for visitors. Jet isn’t out of the woods yet, but they think he’s going to be okay.”

Poison froze at that, hardly daring to hope. “They’re going to be okay?”

“They’re going to be okay.” Cherri was still holding their hands away from their face, squeezing them gently in his rough, calloused ones, but he let go and reached to wipe a couple of tears Party hadn’t realized were there off their cheeks. “It’s okay, don’t cry. They’re going to be alright.”

That only made them cry harder, more tears pouring down their face. A strangled sob made its way out of their throat, and they crumpled entirely, throwing their arms around Cola. His arms were warm when they wrapped around Poison in return, rocking them gently back and forth.

“Shh. Shhh. It’s okay.” Cherri kept repeating that until Poison’s sobs turned to sniffles, making vague noises of comfort as they took a few shuddering breaths.

He didn’t release them until a medic came over to tap him on the shoulder. “Excuse me, are you Cherri Cola?”

“That’s me. Is there word on Kobra and Jet?”

“The Kobra Kid is ready for visitors, if you want. He’s not awake yet,” they added as Poison sat up straight, clutching Cherri’s shoulders. “But you can go see him.”

“All of us?” Cherri asked, frowning.

“Only one visitor at a time.”

Poison leapt to their feet. Their throat didn’t seem to want to form words, so they gave Cherri their most pleading glance, practically begging. Thank the Phoenix Witch, he quickly nodded. “Poison will go, of course. I’ll stay here with Ghoul.”

Ghoul didn’t question that, and Cherri gave Poison’s hand a quick squeeze, flashing them a small smile. “Go on, see your brother.”

They tried to smile back, letting go of his hand as the medic led them through the whitewashed halls. It was too similar to Battery City for their liking, but at least in this building the paint was chipped and scratched, bits of graffiti scrawled occasionally here and there. Poison tried to focus on that instead of what this place reminded them of or where, exactly, they were going.

It felt like both too long and too short before they were entering a hospital room, staring at the figure on the bed. Kobra was so still, unnaturally so. Not that he was usually energetic, per se, but he was never perfectly still, always fiddling with something or other. He looked small lying there- he always looked small to Poison, even if they were a frankly unfair amount shorter, but now he looked even smaller than normal. There were bandages wrapped all around his shoulder and upper arm, and an IV sticking out of his other arm. Poison wanted to cry just looking at him, but their tears were all cried out so they settled for sitting in the chair beside him, grasping his hand tightly even though they knew he couldn’t feel it.

Kobra didn’t wake, but Poison thought they caught a tiny bit of movement, and their heart skipped a beat. “Kobra? Kobra?” He didn’t stir, and Poison settled back again, not releasing his hand. They were never letting him go again, they decided.

True to their resolve, they didn’t move an inch until the medic came back to kick them out, insisting that the doctors needed to look at their brother. Poison was left to find their way back on their own, winding through the too-white hallways and trying not to think.

Ghoul was asleep on Cola’s lap when they arrived back at the lobby, curled like a cat, and Cola put a finger to his lips in the universal motion of ‘shh’.

Poison approached quietly, settling next to the other two. “Ghoulie fell asleep?”

“Cried xemself to sleep,” Cola whispered, brushing a hand over xyr hair. “How’s Kobra?”

They could feel tears prickle their eyes again, remembering Kobra’s still body, but they blinked those away fiercely. “He’s…alive. Still passed the fuck out, but alive.”

“Thank the witch.”

“Any word on Jet?”

Cola shook his head. “I’m assuming they’re alive, since no one’s come to tell me otherwise, but no word otherwise.”

“That was so reassuring.”

He just sighed, the sigh turning into a yawn halfway through. “I wish I had more news to tell you, but no one’s told me anything- the reason I was the one being told news earlier is because I technically ‘checked them in’. I think you and Ghoul were having too much of a rough time.”

Cola’s yawn made Party yawn as well, rubbing at their eyes. “They just rushed Jet and Kobes in, didn’t ask us anything. We went and sat down, and then you showed up.”

“Ah. Yeah. They were looking around for people who were with the two injured ‘joys when I came in, I figured I’d just give them the info they needed.”

It rankled their pride to admit they had needed help, but “Thank you, Cola.”

That earned them a faint smile. “Never thought I’d live to see the day you didn’t call me Pepsi.”

“Don’t get used to it.”

“Of course not.”

They definitely weren’t leaning against him, not at all. That would be very undignified for Party Poison, leader of the Fabulous Killjoys. But they didn’t protest when Cola wrapped his free arm around them cautiously, pulling them closer on the shitty hospital waiting chairs as Ghoul snored quietly. And if they leaned a bit on his shoulder, who was going to say anything?

The next morning, Party Poison woke up in a shitty hospital chair with Cherri Cola’s head leaning on top of theirs and Fun Ghoul stretched across both their and Cola’s laps. All in all, not the weirdest place they had ever woken up, but it was definitely up there. Especially given that there was a killjoy (neutral?) in the colors of a medic standing in front of them.

“Ahem, excuse me?”

Poison blinked at them. “Fuck off, my crew’s sleeping.”

“Your friend is awake.”

They sat straight up, knocking Cherri’s head off them (to a lot of swearing from him, which they ignored). “Which one?”

The medic checked their chart. “The killjoy known as Jet Star.”

“And they’re awake?”

“Yes, but there are some…complications.”

Cola was somewhat more awake by now, blinking and yawning with another muttered “Shit.” He pushed his hair out of his face. “What complications?”

“They’ve lost an eye.”

Poison appreciated, in some distant corner of their mind, the way that the medic didn’t try to sugarcoat the words. They just said it, straight-up, which was far better than dancing around the subject, in Poison’s opinion. But the greater part of their mind was involved with worrying about Jet. How were they going to take the news? Would it be harder for them to do what they needed? Would they be freaked out?

“Fucking shit,” Ghoul swore from Poison’s lap, and they almost jumped. They hadn’t realized xe was awake. “Can I see them?”

“Yes, but only one visitor at a time.”

Ghoul cast Poison a pleading look. Although they would never admit it, not in this lifetime or the next, his puppy-dog eyes were very convincing. Not to mention that the worry in them broke Poison’s fucking heart. “Go on. I saw Kobra, you can see Jet.”

“Thanks, Pois!” Ghoul leapt up, almost toppling to the ground, and hurried after the departing medic.

Cola yawned and blinked at Poison. “Good morning, I guess. Sorry about falling asleep on your head.”

“I fell asleep on your shoulder, it’s fine.” They weren’t paying much attention to him, busy worrying about Kobra. “You think the medics would let me see Kobes?”

“Worth a shot.” He yawned again, running a hand through his messy hair. “If you want, I can talk to the head medic. They seem to have a soft spot for younger ‘joys, they’d probably let you see your brother if we ask nicely.”

Poison ignored the weird surge of guilt that Cola still hadn’t gotten to see either Kobra or Jet. They hadn’t seen Jet, and Ghoul hadn’t seen Kobra, so why should Cherri fucking Cola get to see either of them? “Great, let’s go ask.”

Cherri led them across the room, heading up to the tall and dour medic who had told Poison “We’ll do our best.”

“Hey.” Their voice was flat and calm.

“Hey…senior medic Dowdy, was it?” Cola’s voice was neutral bordering on friendly, and the medic’s face softened as Poison came to stand next to him.

“That’s my name, yep. And you are…Cherri Cola?”

Cherri nodded. “And this is Party Poison.”

“Pleased to meet you. I’m assuming you two are here about seeing your friends?”

“We were hoping Poison might be able to see their brother, the Kobra Kid, since our other friend Fun Ghoul is with Jet Star right now.”

“Ah.” Dowdy frowned. “Well, Kobra isn’t awake yet, but I don’t think some visitors would hurt. Come on, both of you.”

Poison glanced at Cola, finding him already staring back.

“I don’t have to come,” he said quietly. “If you’d rather visit Kobra alone.”

Even though Cola had offered, and even if they didn’t trust him all too far, Poison didn’t have the will to keep him from seeing their brother. “You can come, but it’s not pretty.”

“Believe it or not, I’m rather used to not pretty.”

“Oh, I believe it.”

Cola’s voice softened slightly. “I think it’s harder for you to see him than me to see him, so the only question is if it’s harder for you to have me there.”

Why was he so goddamn fucking nice? “I don’t care.”

“I’m coming, then.”

Poison would never have admitted it, not in a thousand years or more, but it was nice to have Cherri next to them when walking the halls of this too-clean building where they weren’t in control of a single goddamn thing. They hated feeling helpless, always had, but at least with Cherri Cola there (and still trying to get his fucking hair to stay out of his face), they didn’t have to feel alone.

Another thing they would never admit to was the way they reached back, fumbling for Cola’s hand as they entered the room. It was long habit, forged by a good while of reaching for Jet whenever shit went south, but they never intended to reach for Cola of all people. Ghoul, at least, would have been understandable- xe was a member of Party’s crew- but Cola? Absolutely fucking not.

Thank the Phoenix Witch, he said nothing about it, simply giving their hand a small squeeze. Poison didn’t squeeze back, but they didn’t let go either, not even at Cola’s tiny gasp upon seeing Kobra. Their brother looked not much better than yesterday, still far too small and far too still, but as they watched, he shifted slightly.

“He’s on his way to getting better. Assuming he does recover, we predict it will be one or two more days before he’s awake,” Dowdy informed them. “Now, I’ve got other patients to attend to, I’ll come kick you out if I need.”

Poison damn near cried, thanking every deity out there that Cherri was too absorbed in watching Kobra to even notice. He had moved. He was alive, and on his way to well. Poison thanked every deity out there for that as well, even muttering a few prayers under their breath.

Once the initial relief had worn off, it was back to watching their baby brother lay there, quiet as anything and still too fucking still.

“He looks so still. Still and small,” Cherri said softly.

Poison hated that his first thought was the same as their first thought. “He’s too fucking small. And too fucking quiet.”

Cherri nodded and squeezed their hand again. “He’ll get better though.”

“You trust the medic?” It wasn’t like they trusted his word much, but Cola did know just about everyone in the Zones and the reputations thereof.

“Dowdy’s been working at this hospital for as long as I’ve been in the Zones. I’d trust them with my life- and I trust them with Kobra’s, which might be worth more.”

Poison shot him a glance. “Look, it’s not like I wouldn’t be sadder if Kobes died than if you did, but I’d still be sad.”

His smile was wry. “I didn’t realize you cared so much.”

“You’re a decent person, even if you’re insufferably nice.” They shrugged. “Plus, Kobes likes you.”

“So not too personal then.”

“You’re my brother’s friend, nothing more.”

Cola gave them a small nod of acknowledgement. “I don’t mind, so long as all of you are safe.”

“Stop being insufferably nice.”

“Then how will I be insufferable?”

“You could try not being insufferable,” they muttered.

He grinned. “I could, but there’s no fun in that. Besides, my plan is working. I’ve distracted you from worrying.”

Poison glared at him, but something he had said jogged at their memory. “You’re a bastard, but uh...sorry for being a dick to you when you first got here.”

“It’s fine, really.”

“No, it was shitty of me. I should’ve dealt with stuff without being pissy at you, even if I was worried.” They stared at the floor.

Cherri sounded both surprised and happy when he next spoke. “Well. Thank you, Poison. That was a nice apology.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.”

“No, seriously, I’m proud of you. You’re getting better at acknowledging your actions.”

Poison looked up and made an ick face at him. “You sound like every other adult.”

“I am almost thirty, you know.”

“Old person.”

“Hey! Rude youngster!” He was smiling though, and so was Poison, the shitty situation briefly forgotten.

“You guys are fucking loud.”

Party Poison’s head whipped around so fast their neck hurt, turning to see Kobra Kid blink sleepily from the bed. “What?” was all they could think to say.

His voice was quiet, but it was there. “Said what I said. You guys are fucking loud.”

The noise they made was halfway between a laugh and a sob. “Of course the first thing you do when you wake up is complain.”

“Yeah, ‘cause you’re a little bitch.”

There were tears rolling down Poison’s cheeks now, but they couldn’t muster the energy to care. “Fuckface.”

“Bastard.”

“Bitch boy.”

“Baby fucker.”

“Dipshit.”

“Asshole.” Kobra turned his head vaguely towards Cherri. “So how long have you loud bastards been stuck with each other?”

“Only since yesterday,” Cola told him. “When you and Jet came in.”

“Is Jet okay?”

Poison shot Cola a warning glare as he opened his mouth. “They’re going to be fine.” Kobra could find out later.

Thank the witch, Cola nodded along. “They’ll be okay.”

“Good.” Kobra’s eyes were drooping again. “Now shut up and let me sleep.”

Dowdy arrived back a few minutes after that, and kicked them out just as promised. And thus began their second round of waiting, this time waiting for their friends’ recovery as opposed to news of them.

Cherri Cola stayed with Poison in the lobby as they waited for Fun Ghoul, and then he offered to wait with Ghoul while Poison went to see Jet. He waited with them through the next night and most of the next morning, until Kobra was awake again, and he stayed right by Poison’s side when Jet Star came down to the lobby for the first time, soon to be released from the hospital. Cherri was there when they had to help Kobra limp on out to the Trans Am, and he took the papers with all sorts of instructions on wound care from Dowdy. Cherri Cola was with the Fabulous Four from the moment he arrived at the hospital to the moment they got back to Dr. D’s radio station, where the Girl had been staying, and she came running into their arms.

Later, when Ghoul would laugh and say “You’re a fucking hero, Cola. Like a knight in shining armor and all that”, he would smile and say “Not a hero. Just a poet.”

Maybe not a knight in shining armor, but Poison certainly thought he had been their hero in a beat-up green jacket.

#auri writes #cherri cola #party poison #kobra kid #ttlofk #i still don't understand tumblr tagging #danger days #danger days fic

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