#they may have been trapped in a toxic break up make up cycle

[lightofraye]

A Little Perspective

This may be lengthy and detailed and potentially triggering for some. I will be covering a number of possible points of view about things covering why Jensen hasn't left--and may never. (A prospective I'm not thrilled about, to be honest.)

So. Let's begin.

1) Abuse: This is double issue for Jensen. Potentially a triple. How do I mean? For instance, Jensen himself admitted his father beat him with a belt--and from the sound of it, a lot, while he was growing up, as Jensen knew thinner belts hurt more. Worse, his father said he did it "out of love", so there's that bad, unpleasant association right out the bat.

Plus, his mother... this is only speculation, an assumption. She either looked the other way and accepted the abuse, or she was a participant of the abuse and thought it was normal/acceptable. That too may color Jensen's perspective and not a good way either.

Then Jensen became a model... and the modeling industry is/was rife on abuse. A lot of stories come out later where those who quit the industry or endured it suffered a great deal of sexual harassment, sexual assault, sexual abuse.... A "pretty boy" like Jensen likely would've suffered as well. I don't believe he's ever shared stories and he likely may never.

(Hi, toxic perception of men as victims again.)

I can't even begin about the sexual abuse that is rampant in Hollywood itself. Yes, women were largely targets, but as we've heard the last few years,... so have been men.

Hell, Jensen was sexually assaulted by Misha! It was used in a fucking gag reel! It's not funny! Jensen even said if he had known they were going to put it in the gag reel, he would've asked them not to. That to me speaks volumes.

There are brief stories out there. A PA witnessed Danneel slapping Jensen when she thought Jensen was flirting with the PA. (He wasn't; he's just that sweet.) There's another story of some restaurant goer who saw how harsh Danneel was bullying Jensen outside the restaurant.

He's... diminished. His baseline for normal is not the baseline for normal for non-abused people. His self-esteem, confidence, and ability to stand up for himself is heavily damaged. He doesn't know how to stand up for himself. Every time he has, he's been smacked down.

Yes, he can stand up for others time to time, but there are instances when he didn't and gave up in face of authority. (Mark Sheppard being demoted to guest star and losing pay and choosing to quit instead... only had Jared standing up for him in the end. Misha caved instantly and Jensen gave up as well.)

So what then does it mean for him and Danneel? Did she become abusive off the bat? No. That's not how abusers work. There were likely instances where she slipped and he mentally made excuses, ignored the red flags because that's how it tends to happen. Hindsight is ever perfect. Being in the heat of it, we tend to try and excuse, defend, or otherwise rewrite it in our minds. We don't want to think of it as normal.

Then once they were married, Danneel began to let that completely slip and fall, and he was "trapped". The cycle continues. By now he thinks of it as normal, acceptable, maybe impossible to escape. He has likely been told no one would want him. He's "middle-aged", damaged goods. This has also been told to female victims and it's hard to break that mindset too. It's hard to find strength to completely break free when you've been fed insidious lies since childhood.

It's a trap. A difficult trap to break. Can it happen? Yes. But it's very, very hard.

2. Blackmail: This one can fall under two very different categories. One, the abuse one. Where the children (I've mentioned this before) are being used as hostages to guarantee Jensen's continued marriage to Danneel. As in, "If you divorce me, I'll make sure you never see the kids again!" It's a common threat, to boot.

Despite what some people have said, I believe Jensen loves his children. Yes, "especially" JJ, but I believe he loves all three. He may not be home a lot to see them, but he loves them. He would like to keep that access to them. It may be he believes Danneel's threat, and I'm sure there's some who believe it'd be "easy" for a woman to make such a threat and keep it.

Here's a hint, folks. The truth to that lie. If a father asks for full custody of the children in a divorce, they usually get that request granted, no matter what. But most of them don't ask for that, and so, the parent that does ask gets it granted. So... if a husband and wife vie against each other and both ask, guess who wins? The father.

Most fathers don't think to ask because of the perception of mothers always win. Mothers are the ones who should be responsible for children. And so forth.

Regardless... Jensen likely might believe that threat and feels some access is better than none.

Then the other kind of blackmail. Note: I do not believe nearly all that I'm about to write. This is purely speculative and a number of possible blackmail that Danneel might have over him.

There's the J2 tinhat rumors. I could see why those rumors lasted as long as they have. I've seen the stories, the posts, photos, watched them in conventions. It's entirely possible that Jared and Jensen did have some romantic/sexual relationship for a time. Maybe even after they got married to Genevieve and Danneel, it might have continued.

It could be Genevieve just accepted it and when it ended (as there was a gradual separation even before the whole The Winchesters/Prequelgate debacle), Jared and Gen were okay. Danneel... however... might not have been as okay with it as she indicated. Her posts over the years, where she tried to make it seem she and Jensen were together when fan photos and such came out at the same time of Jensen and Jared together, might've been wildly embarrassed by it all. She might not have been as okay with it as Genevieve was and just collected evidence to hold over Jensen's head.

After all, sadly, Hollywood still isn't as accepting of LGBTQ as we'd like. When actors come out, their careers usually don't continue, out of the weird perception that gay men can't act straight. (When I hear that, I look at Matt Bomer and go "Are you sure?!" I believed Bomer was a charming straight man even after he came out--his character on White Collar was awesome!)

So there's that possibility.

Then there's the orgies rumor we've heard about in the past. Or rather that one tweet that led to a threat of a lawsuit--which sadly made it valid and legitimate. Danneel really didn't know how to let a rumor die. It might make her look weird and bad too, but her career has been nonexistent for a long time and her reputation has already been destroyed by her own actions. It wouldn't hurt her nearly as much as it might hurt Jensen.

Then there's other possible vices. Alcoholism seems to be the more... "acceptable" of vices. As is smoking. If an actor is an alcoholic, they just go to rehab, get help, and be fine. But for someone who is self-conscious about their image, it might be more difficult to accept. Being seen drunk time to time is not the same as being an alcoholic, after all.

The same goes for drugs. Not that rumor has been very well-known, but it can exist.

Then there's the blackmail of affairs. In Hollywood, affairs and flings are considered a part of the life. They happen. Couples that are apart for a while time to time may dabble in affairs and flings. Even with co-stars. This happens too. More than most would like. (The more infamous one would be Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie on the set of Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Others have happened too. It's just common and accepted. Anyone saying otherwise is just wrong.)

Again, image-conscious and wanting to push the solid love marriage, this could be damaging. Even if Danneel hadn't really made it much of a secret that she's been having an on-and-off affair with Steve... it's still different. I repeat: she has no career or reputation to destroy. Jensen does.

Even if Hollywood wouldn't give that big of a damn about it.

3. PR Marriage: Now I know this has been pushed by other antis, and even suggested to me, but I find myself... hesitating on it. If it was in fact a PR marriage, why would he tolerate the abuse at all? Surely there'd be something in the contract about demeaning him and belittling him? It doesn't fit.

And there should have been protection over mistreatment or not fulfilling parts of it. I don't know... it doesn't quite fit. Not for me.

--

This was a long, long essay. I knew it would be, and it was still hard to write parts of it.

I want to end it with another point.

Female on male violence is often portrayed as a joke. Wedding Crashers had a female on male rape and it was a joke, a comedy bit. The one time I remember seeing such a scenario used on Law and Order: SVU, the male victim wasn't believed because he was a man and should have been able to overpower the woman.

Like it's expected of men to be able to just beat the shit out of their abusive partners... as though no one realized that if come upon by the police, any bruises on her would be taken more seriously than over him! Even if he had bruises too! Unless there's video evidence of physical abuse on him, anything else is considered... a joke. Impossible.

What's sad is that this too is an aspect of misogyny. Men are expected to be able to overpower women, so when a man is "taking" abuse and not fighting back, it's another part of misogyny. Because he's "lesser" than a woman, and that's shameful.

We have a lot of growing to do as a society. We need to realize that just because one person is making the money does not mean they hold all the power. We've only begun to see the problems of abuse, and all the areas it covers.

There's physical abuse, the one most commonly known. Then sexual, the second commonly known. The lesser recognized are financial (unless a person is a senior citizen, then it's considered a legitimate crime), and mental and emotional being the least known or recognized (only considered legitimate if done on a child and with proof).

Until we end the toxic expectations of men, and yes, women, and realize anyone can be a victim, and that we all, as a whole, deserve respect... we have a long way to go.

Just remember: It begins with you. It begins with us.

[aroaceacacia]

thinking about last night's girl talk w zam and planet again. (zam stream, jan 23)

c!planet has always stood out in the lifesteal crowd as one of the few players who doesnt seem to take part in lifesteal's characteristic distrust and cycles of revenge. in season 4 alone, planet's only main channel video so far - "breaking survival minecraft to get revenge" - doesnt really contain any real "revenge" at all. planet and his teammates are routinely knocked down by other, stronger players; used as bodies in a war they dont have much of a stake in (besides the thrill of having duped hearts), imprisoned, killed, spawn trapped, banned, etc etc. their bases get found and used. but it doesnt really bother planet, at least not in any lasting way. planet doesnt hold grudges, he was able to stand with three heart trio and say he didnt think zam was a bad person, even after zam pointed out repeatedly all of the ways he had wronged planet, bacon, and jaron personally

part of it is just who planet is, I think. they're not the kind of person to get too fussed about the sides and conflict. they routinely make light of it when they abruptly pull out a sword on bacon and start monologuing about how they were "working against him this whole time". during the latter part of girl talk w zam they bemoaned how zam wasnt "besties" with mapicc and ro anymore - even though zam was evil when he was with them, to planet, they had been friends, and friendship breaking up is sad!

planet sees that zam is scared and tries to help talk him through some of it, puts him through a series of bizarre "scenarios" to test zam's trust - up to and including begging zam for over an hour to let planet into the new eclipse base, to which zam eventually complied - all of the scenarios are things which, had the player been anybody but planetlord, may have been actual traps or threats to zam's life. planet does care, but on some level just doesn't fully understand the position that zam is in.

zam has been harassed*, stalked*, and threatened* by mapicc (*in a video game) for months now, and planet - who is on good terms with just about everybody, including mapicc - cant really understand why zam cant just let it go. planet themself has let a lot of things go, but zam has never been afforded that privilege - mapicc refuses to forget him.

as a result, a lot of planet's advice and thoughts for zam, especially in the "therapy session" part of girl talk, seemed to lean a lot into toxic positivity. just stop being scared and you wont be scared. mapicc doesnt care about you as much as you think, etc. it's all about mindset! I think some of that advice is helpful (especially during this week - cc!mapicc is recovering from surgery and unable to be online, and ro is unlikely to do anything without mapicc there, so there isnt really any reason to be afraid of mapicc logging in) but a lot of it is not constructive for princezam long-term. and zam even said as much at one point!

I think planet is like this in part due to their more easygoing nature, but also because planet has never really been afforded the privilege of being in the position to enact revenge in the first place. their team was named "three heart trio" for a reason! of the three of them planet is the biggest grinder and usually has some extra hearts stashed away, but overall they dont have anywhere near the kind of resources other teams might have: team shades are basically all on 20 hearts, the eclipse federation has subz' grindset and firepower, and team awesome is stacked with both the hearts and power to succeed, with the addition of their abuse of the pearl and gapple glitches and leftovers from the duping war.

compared to all of that, theres no way bacon, planet, and jaron can match up. that doesnt mean they dont try, because they do! they try to fight anyways, and they take some Ws now and then! they keep grinding and they keep hanging in there, refusing to give up. but I think, when you're that disadvantaged in a server that's unforgiving as lifesteal is and can be, on some level they let stuff go because they cant afford to hold a grudge.

at the start of the APO vs team awesome war, planet, bacon, and jaron had to decide what they wanted to do. they had received an offer from team awesome to join them, with the promise of a lot of hearts for each of them if they did join. bacon expressed his misgivings by saying that (paraphrased) "team awesome did all this bad stuff to us. it wouldnt really make sense, character wise, to join them now". but they joined team awesome anyway, and they set aside their hesitation and the memories of an obsidian prison and bloody knuckles, and marveled at the feeling of a healthbar on 14. how powerful it made them feel.

[alyjojo]

December 🌲 2022 Monthly - Aries

Whole of your energy: The Hermit

The Hermit doesn’t take action and doesn’t make decisions, and that’s the state you’re in this month. Rather, you’re in deep contemplation about your life as it is, especially work related, and where you’d like to be. 4 Swords here could be a much needed break, a vacation, time off for holidays with 9 Cups here as well. You may be canceling the holidays altogether for some time alone, for some of you. This is a very deep, serious, and introspective energy. Though you’re not actually making any big moves yet, they’re on your mind, you’re trying to see what’s the most beneficial for you going forward, and it could be involving your whole future.

What’s going on in December:

7 Pentacles:

You’ve put a lot of work into something, probably your career because I’m getting work energy from the next row. 7 Pentacles is having done all of the work, expecting a harvest to come through, and finally getting a break from having to manage every little detail as shown by the next row. You have options, you know this, but they’re summed up in should you continue on the path you’re on and coast a bit further, hoping things will change (change being the whole point), or do you blow up The Tower and let it all come crashing down, no doubt shocking some people along the way. You could be looking for another job, or at least considering it. You won’t make a move until you know for sure what you want, which is what this whole reading is concentrating on.

10 Wands:

You run the show wherever you are, the weight on your shoulders is kinda ridiculous with both 10 Wands and 2 Pentacles here. If your company does it’s reviews or raises, etc, at the end of the year, that would make sense for this energy and the “wait and see” part of it. Are you appreciated? Are they hiring help? Are you moving up, making more, etc? What is going to change to get some of this pressure off of you? Because if not, you’re not seeing the benefits of the crushing weight that’s on your shoulders. You’re definitely not alone there, so many people can relate to that 💯 If someone has a problem, they probably come to you, and you’re over here thinking about dropping it all and washing your hands - for something better or more aligned with your expectations & goals.

7 Cups:

You have a lot of options and you are aware of this, it’s what has you in such deep contemplation, because Aries isn’t too comfortable in a state like this for long. Not without a purpose, and yours is finding a solution, but you’re not rushing - which is good. You may have been in this position before, maybe you’ve visited these thoughts on several occasions and chose the “wait it out and be patient” approach, but things don’t change and won’t as far as you’re concerned. You’re weighing your options realistically.

7 Swords:

You don’t want to feel trapped, you don’t want a repeat of whatever has gone on before. This energy feels like a cycle you’ve gone through several times, not just once, and every time you end up being the one carrying the weight of the world, why? Because you can? Because you’re stuck and have to? Except you don’t. You’re worried about your finances, and your home or place to live, your stable foundation. Understandably. But you won’t settle for anything that raises red flags of the past, there are no repeats here. You want positive change 💯

6 Cups:

This row elaborates on what you refuse to allow or put up with, whatever happened in the past or a long-lasting cycle you’ve had it with, it ends now. You didn’t speak up. You didn’t make any decisions. You didn’t change what needed changing because you felt helpless to do anything, and this Devil shows you feeling trapped and chained to a situation. Not anymore. This cycle is toxic and has left you feeling heavily burdened, betrayed, hurt, you’re not doing it again & that’s the only thing you do know for sure. But you won’t act until you’re certain what you do want, now that you know what you don’t. 777 could mean something for you in this situation.

Signs you may be dealing with:

Most signs are here, Scorpio & Virgo dominate

Oracles: ✨

You’ve pulled 1 and 2, showing progress even if nothing is happening right away, a lot is going on inside of you and that’s where it all begins.

1 Movement Into Balance ⚖️

The sun ☀️ balances the moon 🌙 just as the earth, the water, and the smh remain in precious balance - so you are moving from unbalanced ideas and lifestyles into a more balanced way of being. A situation may call for more tweaking to adjust it into a balanced mode. Look at the energy and emotions you are putting out into the universe, your world, your relationships, or goals. Balance that with the energy you are allowing yourself to receive. The body inherently tries to maintain a state of balance; so do our souls. If you are not receiving enough, you may be unconsciously giving more to restore a perceived “balanced” state. Step out of that automatic response and listen to your guides and your soul for what this situation truly warrants.

2 New Beginnings 🌅

Water, emotion, energy, all life affirming and life giving. Patience is the key. Once the deluge of emotion passes, you will see that left in its wake is a wondrous new day, a rainbow of possibilities. Do not get attached to the emotions that surround this situation. This will only attach your identification with the emotion itself - giving it more power and hindering the release, so that the door to your new beginning will not open. Sit in the emotion, cry, journal, talk it out with a friend, and then let it go. Be thankful for the experience of the situation and proclaim to Spirit that you are ready for the newness that is about to come into your life.

We enter into December as:

Penelope and Pickle 🥒:

“Grief...is honoring a love lost.”

Grief is a natural part of life. We must always remember to love those around us as fully as we can in the moments we have them. Grief is only love, with no place to go. This may be calling you to understand your own or someone else’s grief. Loss is personal, it comes out different in each individual. Love always comes with the risk of loss, but is important to remember that we valued a friend. Penelope & Pickle knew the value in their relationship, and it’s sad they lost each other, but the fact this love ever existed is what helps us find the strength to love again. All cycles must be completed to start over. If you choose to honor your pain, and allow all of the mourning to come, it will be life changing.

What is to be learned in December:

Righteous Raspberry 💅🏽:

“I have the same high standards for myself as I do for others.”

This is a message to lighten up! Notice your present attitude towards others. Perhaps you’re being too hard on yourself, and others as well. Allow others to be as they are. Supporting others around you creates allies. Watch your expectations, you could be setting yourself up for disappointment. You cannot be satisfied if you expect others to live up to standards you can’t even live up to. Besides, others are not you. Do it wrong, mess it up, have flaws. Trying to make the world perfect will only exhaust and alienate. Allow things to simple be. Look for what’s right in your world.

Red may be a lucky color ❤️

[protected-and-loved-by-castiel]

Toxic Family Dynamics: Unmasking the Harmful Effects of Society's Beliefs

In our society, there are certain beliefs and phrases that have been ingrained in us about the importance of family. However, it is crucial to recognize that not all family dynamics are healthy or beneficial. For individuals who have grown up in abusive or manipulative families, these beliefs can be toxic and harmful. In this post, we will explore the impact of such beliefs and phrases, specifically focusing on how they can be traumatic and exploited by toxic family members. By understanding the harmful effects of these beliefs, we can empower individuals to prioritize their own well-being and seek support outside of toxic family environments.

The phrase "blood is thicker than water" can be toxic for individuals who have grown up in abusive or manipulative families. It implies that family bonds are more important than one's own well-being, trapping them in harmful relationships. Toxic family members exploit this phrase to manipulate and control the individual, making it difficult for them to set boundaries or seek help. It is important to prioritize one's own well-being and surround oneself with supportive individuals, regardless of blood ties.

The belief that "I can set boundaries with my family because they get upset" can be traumatic and easily exploited by toxic family members. Setting boundaries in an abusive family dynamic can be challenging, as it may be met with resistance or manipulation. Toxic family members use emotional manipulation techniques to make the person feel guilty or question their love for the family. It is important for individuals to recognize the importance of setting boundaries for their own well-being and seek support to navigate these challenges.

The belief that you cannot cut out abusive family members because you only have one family can be harmful. It invalidates the experiences of individuals who have grown up in abusive families and perpetuates the cycle of trauma. Everyone deserves to be in a safe and supportive environment, regardless of blood ties. Encouraging individuals to prioritize their well-being and seek help is empowering and allows them to break free from toxic dynamics.

The belief that "friends come and go and family is forever" can be toxic for individuals who have grown up in abusive families. It assumes that family bonds are strong and unconditional, while friendships are temporary. In reality, family dynamics can be unhealthy and toxic. This belief can create a sense of obligation and guilt, making it difficult for individuals to distance themselves from abusive family members or seek support elsewhere. It is important to prioritize one's well-being and build a supportive network beyond blood ties.

The phrase "what happened in our home, stays in our home" can be traumatic and exploited by toxic family members. It suggests that abuse or harmful behavior should be kept a secret, preventing individuals from seeking help or disclosing their experiences. This phrase creates an atmosphere of fear and shame, making it difficult for individuals to break free from abusive situations. It is important to break the silence, speak out about abuse, and seek support to heal and rebuild.

The phrase "no one can love you more than your family" can be toxic for individuals who have grown up in abusive families. It implies that family love is unconditional and superior, regardless of the harm inflicted. This creates a false sense of loyalty and obligation, leading to feelings of guilt and self-blame. Toxic family members exploit this belief to maintain control and perpetuate abuse. Love should never be synonymous with abuse or manipulation, and individuals deserve to be treated with kindness and compassion. Seeking healthy relationships and prioritizing well-being is essential for healing and growth.

It is important to challenge and question societal beliefs that promote toxic family dynamics. Beliefs and phrases that prioritize family bonds over an individual's well-being can be harmful, particularly for those who have experienced abuse or manipulation. It is essential to encourage individuals to set boundaries, seek support, and prioritize their own mental and emotional health. By breaking free from toxic beliefs and seeking healthy relationships, individuals can heal, grow, and create a supportive network that uplifts and empowers them. Remember, love and support can be found beyond blood ties, and everyone deserves to be in a safe and nurturing environment.

By Lena Kravets

Knowledge is Power

[ghostselena]

Hi,I've had this idea for a while I think you could write it really well.

Reader and Rafe are in a super toxic relationship and Reader finds out she's pregnant with his kid and she runs away,like out of the OBX and maybe the Pouges help her?? But Rafe doesn't find out until it's too late. So like,happy ending for the Pouges,reader,and baby,but not a happy ending for Rafe because he has no one to have control over anymore.

And maybe you also show a few years later when reader and baby are doing great in their new life away from Rafe???

Thank you!!!! (also reader and rafe are in their early 20s)

Title: She used to be mine

Pairing: Rafe Cameron x Reader

Warnings: slight weapon mention but just one line, mention of bodily fluids, everything mentioned in the requests, 18+ [Slightly edited]

a/n: this is such an awesome idea! Thank you for choosing me to make this come to life, I hope I did you some justice! Sorry, it took me a few days, I really wanted to make it as perfect as I could, enjoy!!

You may not copy or post this as your own anywhere, though reblogs are encouraged :)

-----

The way your voice trembled through the phone while telling your friends had them worried. You've decided to keep the baby and not tell Rafe, not even his sister for safe measure.

It was a pogue-only meeting, and, as much as you loved Sarah, she could not keep a secret away from her brother even if you paid her.

Your hands were shaking while you held the test in your hand, reality sinking in that you now had a life forming inside your womb. The same one that Rafe had claimed repeatedly, reminding you who you belonged to.

Rubbing your hands softly against your stomach, you thought about a future with Rafe and your baby. You couldn't see him being a father, at least not with his current state of mind.

You were always safe, there's no doubt in your mind about that. But in heated moments, there were times when Rafe wanted to teach you a lesson, trap you in. He'd hide your birth control for a week straight, knowing just how to ruin your cycle and get you fully pumped with his seed.

And he succeeded.

He was no good for your baby, you had no other option but to raise them yourself—away from the outer banks. A place you could no longer call home, as it was tinted with nothing but memories with Rafe. His actions overtook your good times with the pogues, completely ruining the image for you.

You were now sitting inside a bus, a few of your belonging in a duffel bag that your friends had thrown in together; Using their own money to send you somewhere safer, away from the toxicity that surrounded the poor Cameron boy.

"Please, call us when you get there," Kie had her arms wrapped around your waist, scared to let you go. You both had been holding on for a few minutes, pulling away and embracing each other once more.

"I will, I promise," your head turned to the boys with soft eyes, wiping away the tears that kept on falling with your sleeve, "and stay out of trouble, please!" you softly laughed, sniffling with a smile as they wrapped their arms around you, huddled in a small circle with your body in the middle.

"We love you, so fucking much," Jj whispered, pressing a soft gentle kiss to your temple and letting go.

These people were all you had left, and it broke you to leave them with teary eyes. But, now there were two of you, and they came first.

You waved them goodbye as you got onto the bus, finding a spot positioned right next to the window.

You kept blowing kisses down at them, repeatedly thanking them while your hand was pressed against the window, leaving your family behind.

-

Sarah was confused when you hadn't met up with them at the chateau, as you usually did.

They stayed quiet, not knowing how to break the news to her in a way where she wouldn't feel betrayed—but deep down, it pained them to have kept this secret away from her.

"You're gonna want to sit down," John B held her hand, sitting her down on the couch with a small frown. He sacrificed the trust in his relationship, to keep you safe and away from her brother.

A relationship that none of them supported, but were still there for you through thick and thin—attending to your wounded heart after every argument and makeup.

With a shameful look, her boyfriend explained what had happened, causing her to stand up at a rapid speed and storm off. All he could do was close his eyes, taking in deep breaths to not burn down the place he called home.

Rafe had caught on after threatening Sarah with a knife, tired of you not picking up his calls. They kept going straight to voice mail and he couldn't take it, throwing his phone across the room and shattering it.

He even showed up at your house, interrogating your parents who had no idea of your disappearance or even where you had been for the past few months. He spat down at them for not caring where their daughter was, causing him to rage and drive away furiously.

How fucking dare you? He would say to himself. You left him without saying a word, taking your baby along with it all.

He would constantly drive over to the chateau, knocking down on the door, pounding his fists, "Tell me where she fucking is!"

You'd think he'd get tired, even after months from your departure. But there he was, right on time every Sunday, at 8pm with a beer in his hand, pounding against the door once more, "She has my fucking kid! Did she tell you that? Fucking bitch," he'd mumble the last part as he swung back the bottle, throwing it across the yard and pointing his finger at the door, "I'll get that information out of you pogues, you'll fucking see,"

On the other side of the door always stood Jj, his hands balled into a fist cause this shit head couldn't wrap his head around it. It was his fault you couldn't be there, raising your baby alongside them.

"He's not worth it, J," Kie would remind him, wrapping her hand against his, rubbing her thumb against his index finger with a sad smile.

They missed you, so fucking much.

But you were happy, living down in Florida with your now 3-month-old. He was the spitting image of his father, even down to the blue eyes you dearly loved. Every day was a constant reminder of who his daddy was, causing you to break down into tears every now and then.

You'd kept your friends inside your loop every day, face-timing them as much as you could to show them the little mini pogue.

Months had turned into years, always moving every two to keep your distance away from Rafe.

His father had hired a private detective to find you, which he almost did at one point. But, the pogues were there to save the day. They kept you updated with everything that's been happening in the obx.

Even though the Cameron boy was now clean, being the best version of himself. You couldn't see yourself ever meeting him again, you just couldn't. But never didn't mean you won't ever see him, his son would always ask about him. With the biggest smile you could offer, you'd tell him stories of the best times you had with his father, ignoring most of the tainted ones that still followed you to this day.

They even visited you whenever they could, earning the biggest aunt/uncle bond with your now 5-year-old baby boy. You could say he looked like Rafe had given birth himself, but he was nothing like his father. He was the sweetest boy you could ever ask for.

Time would pass, and even though it's been almost 6 years since your last encounter with Rafe; You knew there will be a time when you'll have to confront him. His son was just as insistent as he was, demanding to meet him. All because kids at his school would bully him for not having a dad. You had to constantly teach him how to keep his temper to a minimum, a trait that only grew more every day.

But you always asked yourself, when will the time come?

All this time you thought you had kept your little family well-hidden, but only cause Rafe wanted you to think you were. He'd found you two years later after you had left, watching you from afar while you slid down the slide with your son giggling, grabbing onto you for dear life as you played together at a public playground.

He had to wipe the tears that had formed in his eyes, happy to see the two of you. But he couldn't ruin that. In those years he would constantly think of what went wrong, and what did he do? And one day it all came crashing down on him. He was sitting on the edge of the bed, legs bouncing nervously when he realized how shitty with was towards you.

He couldn't do that to his own flesh and blood. Why would he want to ruin his son's happiness with his presence?

For now, all he could do was wait and see if you'd ever reach out to him. It was the only thing that brought him peace and hope, and he wished you could see that.

--

Almost finished this in another way

--

Tags: [Let me know if you’d like to be added/removed! :) ]

@gillybear17 @my-baexht-ls @onmykneesforrafe @phildunphyisadilf @ailee-celeste

[ghostietea]

Ok, I'm going to say it: Akito being paired off in the end and shoved into a "happy" het relationship is an egregiously bad writing choice. 

Akito's arc at the end of Fruits Basket is one of self discovery and breaking cycles of abuse, and it is one that she has recently started where we leave off. She is making an admirable effort, but also is very newly trying to learn how to fix things and have functional relationships after a lifetime of toxicity and indoctrination. No matter how hard she's trying Akito is still in a growing phase, and has a very long way to go. Additionally, after losing her entire worldview and support system, she would be in a pretty vulnerable state, and is trapped in a loop of immense self loathing. At this point in her journey, Akito needs to focus on building platonic relationships, especially considering that she has almost no experience in companionship outside of the context of the curse. Also consider that she has issues with dependance, especially with the zodiac, and a lot of her growth is about independence, doing things by herself, and not clinging on to old relationships. To put it simply, Akito is not in a position where she should be entering a romantic relationship and, in fact, it would make more sense for her arc to leave her single. And above all, the elephant in the room still stands: less then a month ago this character literally stabbed her ex in the back. Even ignoring other factors, this is in no way a person that should be dating anytime soon and it is truly baffling that she would be part of an endgame relationship. 

And it just gets worse when you consider the context of the relationship she's in. Akito and Shigure are undeniably incredibly toxic, to the point of being mutually abusive. Takaya obviously did this on purpose, which just makes what comes later even more confusing. Akito should not be in a relationship at all, and she should certainly not be in a relationship with a man who has been manipulating her for years on end as she has been manipulating him too and, may I remind you, slept with her abusive mom specifically to spite her. These characters are consistently shown to have a really twisted relationship, only to be abruptly flipped to "whoops, happy couple now" in the last volume. I'm not saying that relationships can't start out toxic and develop into something good, but you have to put a lot of time and growth into their story to sell it. Tossing two charachters from point a to b for the sake of a "happy" ending is just bad writing. Akito may have changed, but only recently; on such a rotten base it would be too easy to slip back into old habits and there was no stage shown of significant development in their relationship. Again, not showing the development is a fatal mistake in writing a relationship like this. Even if we give Akito the benefit of the doubt since she had a "redemption arc" (as I said above, this doesn't work) that's not even touching on the fact that Shigure did not really change in regards to her, no, he simply had no reason left to fight at the current moment because he got exactly what he wanted, which was having her all to himself (Concerning when combined with the fact that we know from Furubana that Akito will let people abuse her because, again, she absolutely hates herself. I'm not saying things would go like that but character that thinks they deserve mistreatment+character that mistreated them in the past is not a good look.). Shigure didn't magically have an epiphany about his treatment of Akito, he won. You can't even say this relationship is okay now since they both changed enough, because they didn't. This is not just Akito getting into a relationship in the wrong headspace, this is Akito getting into a relationship with a long history of mutual abuse, jealousy, and toxicity with a former zodiac and it being treated as something that's completely fine.

So you have this character. After spending the whole series being a toxic and horrendous person, she has the realization that has been coming since the beginning, and decides to change. A lot of her arc is about finding out who she is after tying her whole identity to a construct, and realizing that she has to be herself and live as a human instead of a God, has to learn how to find friends that want her around as a person from outside her weird cult. She is just starting to make a few friends, starts trying to figure out herself and how to be  independent and kind, and cuts off a centuries long cycle of abuse. This character is still working for her reformation, still figuring things out, still building new relationships from the ground up. Additionally, this character has severe trauma that she is in no way is recovered from on top of all of that and honestly needs to see a professional. It. Makes. No. Sense. To. Give. Her. An. Endgame. Ship. Was it not for the ship, Akito's ending, while still rushed, would be a million times stronger, and that's why it frustrates me so much. And I'm not saying that Akito shouldn't be shipped, or that I think she should never have romantic love, and especially not that she doesn't deserve to be loved at all as I've said already that that her having platonic relationships is important. I'm saying that it should have been left out of the cannon ending with the story as is. So, if the story would be better with this easy fix, why.

Well, I think this, as many other problems with the story, boils down to Natsuki Takaya's immense dedication to extreme heteronormativity. You can see this everywhere, by the end near everyone in paired off into neat little m/f sets. This goes for immensely queer coded characters like Yuki and characters such as Rin who should probably get to heal and build more friendships before rekindling her relationship. Oftentimes couples being paired up actively makes this story's arcs weaker, which sucks because characters are Furuba's main draw. So many issues could have been fixed if Takaya didn't need her happy hets. Akito's arc is, like many other characters, especially the women, held down because the author decided to hit her in the head with the het stick. (Which is extra bad considering her and her arc are heavily queercoded and Takaya tries to make her seem as het and gender conforming as she can post redemption which is, uhhh. But this is not the post about queercoding villains and arcs that should have been gay.) 

In the end, you can say or feel what you want, but the fact still stands: Akito Sohma being in an endgame relationship is bad writing at best and seriously concerning at worst.

[confuzzled-and-confused]

Hi! I'm going to give my 2 cents on the ending of aot because I mentally cannot process this yet. Cool? Cool.

So, I think the main objective was the idea of breaking cycles. Eren becoming this monster, the villain, 'the angle hiding behind devil' s mask' in order to make Armin the hero and set the eldians free from the curse of Ymir.

He set up the events in order to break the cycle of eldians being oppressed by the maryleans. Only because of their ability to turn into titans. Now no one has titan powers.

The curse itself was broken my mikasa. Both mikasa and ymir fritz have an unconditional love for their chosen people. Ymir fritz for the king and mikasa for eren. Ymir was not able to free herself from the love she held for the king and ultimately it trapped her in eternal suffering. Mikasa was able to overcome that and eventually kill Eren-ending the curse. Breaking a cycle of enslaved love.

Even though there is still suffering and fighting and pain and hardship and war and misery- we as humans are bound to repeating history and cycles. I think isayama makes a good point of it. Even though there was a common enemy, threatening all of humanity, murdering 80% of the population-immediately afterwards the people left behind fought amongst themselves. A cycle of fear and distrust of the unknown.

As humans we are inherinately flawed. We are selfish and cruel and miserable and petty and broken and hurt: we hurt ourselves and others. But it doesn't mean we cannot accomplish greatness and do good things. Take Armin as an example: he storms through thee crowd like in season 1 and declares that he has killed Eren putting a stop to all this madness. Doing so he accomplished 2 things.

1. Frees mikasa from guilt and burden from having killed Eren allowing her to leave in silence and grieve.

2. The respect he commands in the scene puts a stop to the bickering and fear within the marlayean army-at least for the time being.

Here, armin takes a diplomatic approach to breaking the cycle. Not only does he help break the cycles he helps reconstruct it-'it' being the image of eldians. Not as monsters or titans. Eren and mikasa got rid of them. But as human. As plain ordinary humans with hopes and dreams and wishes and lives to live.

Isayama uses levi to break the cycle of guilt and duty. From the get go, levi devotes himself to the cause-'dedicate your heart'. And he does just that. He pours all his energy and efforts into fighting and surviving and trying to win to desperately against the titan only to see his comrade die.

All to start the cycles of guilt and burden all over again with every death of every comrade.

After Erwin does, levi focuses on one thing and one thing alone-liking the beat titan. Killing zeke. Getting rid of the anomaly in the plan that killed most of the scouts, making his his best friend-hange- half blind and killing the man that gave him a reason to live.

Every death and sacrifice weighs down so heavily on him that he thinks of nothing else other than redeeming himself and making sure their efforts did not go to waste. That loosing the people he cared about was for thee greater good, that there was a reason he was no longer able to see the people he loved so deeply and cared about for so, so long. When levi finally sees all the scouts in the vision, he asks them if they were watching. If he saw that their efforts did no go to waste. That he could finally honor them and gives them the success they deserved after fighting for so long.

So he salutes and dedicated his heart to the people he has loved and lost-to his humanity: breaking the toxic cycle of guilt and duty that most likely has been plaguing him for years.

I think it's important to see here how freedom is such an enticing and construed idea. We fall into cycles and rhythms either morally good or bad. Freedom seems to reside in a realm beyond our underattind of good and bad. Freedom is release. Free, from guilt, burden, unrequited love, duty, pain, responsibility.

In the end it was bittersweet, a lot of us have grown up along side this story, fallen off and then back on again. A wild cycle of out own. Discovering more of ourselves and morals, how we veiw ourselves and the socirt we live in. How we've becaisme more critical of the media we consume and how we are more conscientious of our actions.

Never truly free, but always fighting. Within ourselves, for ourselves and for others.

A cycle as long as human kind has existed.

So eh, here are my thoughts, feel free to re blog and add your own, critique and evaluate even more I'd love to read it. This is juts something I've typed up really quick because ✨thoughts✨ and ✨brain juices flowing✨. I would like to see other people's ideas as well, personally I loved the ending. You may not. Perfectly fine. Just remember to be respectful and grateful that we've had the opportunity to live and read this masterpiece as it has been coming out for the past 11 years. And with that, thank you isayama for all your hard work💙

[joestarsecrettecnique]

I am so very sick and tired of the toxicity that’s been poisoning the snk fandom as of the last couple years. I gave myself time to digest the ending and my feelings on it, before embarking in a journey to debunk many misconceptions and critiques I’ve seen floating in the fandom.

By the way, by no means I think this ending is perfect. I think this is textbook execution by Isayama to tie together every loose end left behind in an orderly manner, and I think that it was a bit rushed and oversimplified. I would’ve wanted more of Eren and Armin’s conversation, more of the squad realizing what his true goal had been, and some narrative choices I don’t 100% agree with. But still, what I saw in other fans’ critiques post 139 frankly appalled me, so I feel the need to make this. Also, this obviously are my own interpretations, I am not Isayama himself lol

“Ew, so Eren did pull a Lelouch after all”

No, Eren did not pull a Lelouch. While his action and the final result may seem similar, I find very different nuances between the two. Lelouch wanted for the whole world to be united in fighting against him, and thus he made himself the world’s greatest enemy. His will to turn himself into a monster was selfless. Eren didn’t give a damn about the world, he had no noble intentions whatsoever. He said it in chapter 122, his goal was to protect Paradis and, more specifically, his closest friends. He turned himself into a monster, killed 80% of human population, and endangered the lives of those very friends he wanted to protect, so that by stopping him, those friends could be safe. Eren had no intentions to break out of the cycle of hatred or unite the world against himself, he just wanted to give his friends a chance to survive, and that is not selfless, it’s selfish. Eren’s goal was incredibly selfish, and biased, and driven by his feelings instead of rationality. Nothing like Lelouch!

Now this, this I myself am not the greatest fan of. I feel like it makes that great scene in chapter 122 loose a bit of its strength, Ymir obeying the king for 2000 years just because she loved him. Honestly, I always thought there was a bit of Stockholm Syndrome going on, but I didn’t think it would be the only reason. However, like it or not, it’s undeniable that it makes perfect sense in the narrative that aot has always strived to tell. Love has been a theme strongly woven in the story, and it also draws a great parallel between Karl Fritz/Ymir and Eren/Mikasa. Ymir was a slave to her love for King Fritz, just like Mikasa was a slave to her love for Eren, in that she struggled to accept reality until the very end despite the atrocities that Eren committed. Ymir stayed bound by her love for King Fritz, until she saw Mikasa break from her own poisoned love, aknwoledge it, and kill Eren despite of it, or maybe because of it. Only Ymir knows that one, heh. But the point is, Mikasa showed Ymir that she could break free of a toxic love, she was that someone that Ymir had been waiting for to finally free her of her burden.

“What? But that makes no sense!”

Now, on my first read, I simply thought that Eren had ordered Dina to avoid eating Berthold, and that he had made her walk down that road unaware that his mother was trapped (because we know that the Attack Titan’s future memories aren’t infallible, there are still gaps), killing her indirectly. I’ve since then read some theories stating that Eren willingly killed his own mum in orther to give kid himself a reason to feel enough hatred to kickstart the whole story. Honestly, I like this version maybe more! But let me explain to you why this is not a plothole, like many people think. In this same chapter, we have Eren explaining how the Founder’s power works in synergy with the Attack’s: “There’s no past or future, they all exist at once”. This means that time travel in aot doesn’t work in a manner where Eren extracts himself from time and space, and from a separate realm he operates on the past. The way I understood it, the mechanics works kind of like Tokyo Revengers’ time travel. MInd you, I only watched episode one, so my understanding might be jackshit.

Spoilers for Tokyo Revengers’ episode one. In the show, the main character loses consciousness and finds himself reliving his past. He interacts with someone in this “new” past, and when he wakes up again in the present, past events had been over-written by the changes he made. I think this is how aot timetravel works, with the exception that, since past and future (and present, of course) all happen at once, side by side, there is no old past to be rewritten, neither a future to return to, and present Eren wouldn’t be aware of the changes that his future self would make. It creates sort of a time paradox, yes, in the sense that there’s a loop where present Eren’s mom has been eaten because future Eren, in the future, operated on the past by causing past Eren’s mom to be eaten, but all these Erens are one and the same, as all timelines exist at once.

“Boo-hoo they ruined Eren’s character, he’s such a wimp!”

I have to confess (isn’t this appalling, that this is a thing that I have to confess, what the actual fuck), I am an Eren stan. I absolutely do not consider myself a Jaegerist, I think Eren’s option was better than Zeke’s, yes, but it was morally wrong and awful and he absolutely was not only in the wrong, but also if he wasn’t dead I’d want him to be punished for his crimes. I didn’t particularly enjoy him pre-timeskip, and I started to like him because I found his evolution fascinating. I wanted to understand his motives, what was going on in his head, he was a puzzle that I wanted to solve. Maybe because I’m a psychologist, who knows. Anyways, if you’re an Eren stan only because he acted like a chad and now you cry his character was ruined, I’m sorry to say, you never understood him. Eren was not a god, he was not a strategist playing 5d chess with perfect rationality, Eren was the same he has always been. He was a young man spun along by his passions. Eren feels things with burning intensity, he lets himself be driven by his emotions. He almost flattened the world because he was disappointed that he and his friends weren’t the only human beings inhabiting it, for fuck’s sake, he’s always been irrational, selfish, and immature. Of course he doesn’t wanna die, of course he want’s to live with all of them. You really expected a 15 year old hot-headed brat to become Thanos after he suddenly found out he killed his own mum and all his dreams had been crushed? Of course he felt conflicted, of course he suffered, of course he wanted to live, “because he was born in this world”. Honestly, when I read his meltdown, I felt relieved that his character hadn’t been turned on its head, it was heartbreaking to see that he really was the same brat he’d always been, that he’d tried to steel himself to do horrible shit for his friends’ sake and that he felt bad about it! It made me appreciate his character a lot more, I felt nostalgic towards the times when I was irritated by his screaming and pouting. Suffice to say, this is also my answer to all those people that believe his internal monologue to convince himself the Rumbling was what he really wanted were bullshit since he “pulled a Lelouch”. How can it be bullshit? Maybe he planned to be stopped, but he also said that he thought he would’ve still done it if they hadn’t. He also said that killing a majority of the population was something that he wanted to do, not a byproduct of the alliance not stopping him early enough, because with the world’s militaries in shambles Paradis would’ve had time to prepare accordingly. Anyways, of course he needed to convince himself to do this awful thing even if he knew he wasn’t gonna succeed completely, can you imagine how horrible it would be to know your only chance is to kill thousands?

I also maybe think it was because of the spine centipede thingy? When Eren says “I don’t know why I did it, I wanted to, I had to”, he gets this faraway look on his face and we get a zoom in on one of his eyes, which is drawn very interestingly and kinda looks like the Reiss’ eyes when they were bound by the War Renounce Pact? So maybe it was also the centipede’s drive to survive and multiplicate that forced Eren to do the Rumbling so that its life wouldn’t be endangered. I don’t know how much I like this, I feel like it takes some agency away from Eren and also makes it feel like he’s not as responsible for the genocide he committed that we initially though, which mhhh maybe not, let’s have him take full responsibility for this. As I said, I’m not defending Isayama blindly, I do have some issues myself with what went down.

“What the fuck, did he say thank you for the genocide?”

Guys c’mon, this is like,, reading comprehension. Yes, it was poorly worded and a bit rushed, but by now you should have full context to make an educated guess on the fact that no, he didn’t thank him for committing a genocide what the fuck you guys. Armin started bringing up the idea that maybe they should have Eren eaten because he was doing morally questionable things ever since the Marley Arc, which for manga readers was like what, 2018? Isayama has been showing for three years how not okay Armin was with Eren’s actions, how could it make sense for him to thank him for a genocide? You see some poorly worded stuff, and your first instinct is to ignore eleven years’ worth of consistent characterization to jump to the worst interpretation possible? Let’s go over this sentences and reconstruct what they mean.

“Eren, thank you. You became a mass murdere for our sake. I won’t let this error go to waste”. Armin recognizes that Eren had no other choice, but does not condone it. He clearly calls it an error, which feels like an euphemism but for all we know the japanese original term used could’ve been harsher. Point is, he clearly states he think what Eren did was wrong. But he recognizes that Eren’s awful doing opened up a path for Paradis to break out of the cycle of hatred. Not a certainty, but an opportunity. He thanks Eren for giving them this chance, and promises not to waste it, even if it was born out of an atrocity. He thanks Eren for sacrificing himself for their sake, even if he doesn’t agree with the fruit of his labor, so to speak. He’s thanking Eren for the opportunity that his actions gave them, not for the actions themselves! Where the hell do you read “thank you for the genocide” guys, sheesh. I’m mad at y’all.

“How could Eren send MIkasa memories if she’s an Ackerman and an Asian, and their memories can’t be manipulated by the Founder? I call plothole!”

Now, here we’re going into speculation territory, so you’ve been warned. I don’t think that that information they gave us was true, about Ackermans being immune to memory manipulation. We know at least that the clan is in some way subject to the Founder’s power, or Mikasa and Levi wouldn’t have been called in the Paths by Eren multiple times. Stories never being entirely true or false, or relativity, better said, has been a strong theme in the story, we know this by Marley’s and Eldia’s different accounts of history compared to the actual Ymir backstory we got. So who’s to say that the belief that Ackermans aren’t manipulable is the truth? Maybe they’re just hard to control, not impossible. We know that by the Founder’s ability Eren experienced past and future happening simultaneously, so he could’ve very well been trying to send those memories into Mikasa’s head ever since the beginning of the story, only just succeeding in chapter 138. It would at least explain Ackerman’s headaches as Eren trying to manipulate their memories and failing. Of course, we’d need Levi side of thing to know for certain, as he had headaches too and we weren’t shown in the chapter if Eren spoke to him in paths like he did with the rest of the squad. We know he didn’t talk to Pieck, but he even went and spoke to Annie who he basically hadn’t seen since Stohess, so I hope he spoke to Levi too. Who knows, maybe he even spoke with Hanji, but she died before she could remember. I wish we were shown that, honestly, I’m sad that it was skipped, especially after Levi said in an earlier chapter that “there was so much he wanted to tell Eren”. Fingers crossed for the anime to expand on it.

“So Historia’s pregnancy was useless”

What? No, it wasn’t useless! Eren told her to get pregnant to save her life, so that she wouldn’t be turned into the Beast Titan. If she became the Beast Titan, then Eren would’ve had to enact the plan with her instead of Zeke, and yeah, Ymir brought the power of the titans with her, so theoretically Titan Shifter Historia would’ve had her time limit removed, but we saw that the only way for the Alliance to stop the Rumbling was killing Zeke, so Historia would’ve had to die. Useless to say, when Eren talked to her about his plan, she was very vocally against it, so I don’t think she would’ve helped Eren with his plan. It was Zeke or nothing, and the only way for Zeke to keep his titan was for Historia to be unable to be turned, hence the pregnancy. Did y’all read the same thing I read? Anyways, she could’ve definitely been handled better, but she wasn’t necessary to the plot anymore, and her being removed from it in such a way was sad, yes, but it made sense.

“They massacred Reiner!”

Yeah, can’t really say anything about this. I definitely understand the sentiment behind this scene, which I appreciate. It’s to show that thanks to his Titan being removed and the times of peace approaching, Reiner was finally able to shed the weight he bore on his shoulders and “regress” to his more carefree persona he had when he thought he was a soldier, instead of a warrior. I am very happy for him, and I think it’s a nice conclusion to his arc, that he’s finally happy, but it could’ve been portrayed in a less comic relief-y way. It just sledgehammers all his characterization. Feels surreal that we saw him attempt suicide a couple month ago in the anime and now he’s sniffing Historia’s handwriting.

Guys, this absolutely sends me. There are people who unironically believe Eren actually reincarnated in a bird? Guys. It makes no sense, it violates every rule that Isayama established for his universe’s power system. How could he even reincarnate in a bird? Guys, c’mon, this is symbolical! Birds have been heavily used in aot to portray freedom, and this is a nice, poetic, symbolic way to show that Eren who lived his whole life chasing freedom and never actually got it, is finally free, like a bird, now that he’s dead. It’s also a pretty explicit nod to Odin, I think. Aot is heavily inspired by Norse Mithology, and I think there were some pretty clear parallels between Eren and Odin/Loki in the later arcs of the story. Eren has been shown to “communicate” through birds like with Falco in chapter 81, or with Armin in chapter 131. Emphasis on “communicate” because again, this is symbolic, I don’t think he actually spoke through the birds, he simply talked to them via paths, but birds are associated with Eren’s character (see also the wings of freedom, y’know?) and the shots were framed so to give the impression that he was talking through the birds, but he wasn’t. Symbolism. Anyway, I really think they were supposed to be a nod to Odin’s crows.

Aaaaand that should be it! Even though I most definitely forgot some other criticism on the chapter, it’s crazy the amount of negativity floating around. Hope I didn’t bore you!

[mc-critical]

Tell me if I’m being biased but honestly, I feel like Halime is one of the most toxic mothers in the MY franchise, *especially* in her relationship with Dilruba. She reduced Dilruba from a young age to Mustafa’s gaurdian and filled the little girl’s head with so much hatred to a point where it felt like she forced her to grow up much earlier than she should have. Halime was even ready to risk Dilruba possibly being killed when Kösem had held her hostage just to keep Mustafa alive and on the throne. I honestly even think Mustafa’s poor mental health was partially her fault, all that scheming to put little Mustafa on the throne when all he wanted to do was be a child must have been so damaging. I’m not sure if maybe I’m misinterpreting her actions or not, but I really can’t help but find her questionable as a mother at best. What do you think?

I don't think you're misinterpreting anything, I agree with everything you said.

Survival is Halime's central motivation in this show and she centered the education of the kids, as well as her own life, all around it. And her survival is put into question from the beginning - even though Ahmet said he wouldn't kill his brother, the doubt was still there, because of the persistence of this law. It takes a will of titanium not to fulfill it, to break this cycle enforced from generations, especially when you are provoked to do this very thing. The whole ordeal with the lion happened right in the first episode, Handan motivated Ahmet to fulfill the law regardless and Halime also played a part in enforcing Ahmet's doubts of whether to do it or not herself by her teaming up with his enemies.

To me, though, the effects of her education were experienced most not by Dilruba, but by Mustafa. His life was the one in persistent danger from the beginning and his little, innocent psyche had to go through all the turmoil. For every mistake Halime made, he suffered. She thought she was ensuring his survival through what she did, for her making all these risks, falling right into her enemies' traps, teaming up with Safiye as a last resort, but no, these actions only trashed her in Ahmet's eyes and he began losing hope in Mustafa more and more, respectively. Mustafa had this trauma, inflicted on him by everyone around him, right from the first episode and he had done nothing but be always suspicious, always weary, always worried, traumatized. His mother reminded both Mustafa and Dilruba that what they need to do, is to survive, but it wasn't only that, no: she said so many times that Mustafa's life is what matters, that everything is done for him to be safe, and always recounts the probability for it not to be safe. She reminded that little kid that he's in constant danger. Halime wasn't the only factor of his eventual craziness, but she planted the roots, because by constantly reminding him of the danger, he begins to constantly remind himself of it, which is presented by his "immaginary friend/companion" that is always with him when the craziness transformation became complete.

The education with Dilruba is different, yet similar. As you said, while Mustafa has been the "precious target", Dilruba has been set as the "worthy protector". She was taught to protect Mustafa for her entire life, searching for what benefits "her family" only (which is why she betrayed Kösem even as a little kid once, I think it was somewhere in between E15?) and fostering that brutal ruthlessness she became so infamous with. It's terrific that Dilruba became a much more ruthless version of her mother, one that's even more without moral scruples than her. She was supposed to be Mustafa's guardian in Halime's book and she became just that- she became way more opportunistic and cunning, yes, but it's all for this same cause, and even though she loved Davud Pasha in my eyes, she still married him for that life-long goal. Indeed, it may even seem that she was devoid of desires and identity of her own besides that. It's true that you have to do anything to survive in these times, but this is the most extreme, toxic display of this "setting", this mindset. And yes, her being ready to use her as a means to an end, even though she loves her as a daughter, yeah... It is also a showcase to what extent does this system destroy everything it comes across in one way or another and that everyone is a product of it to some extent, including Halime.

I'm with you on that she's a very toxic mother, because she's very well "understandable intent, bad execution". There are way more toxic mothers than her like, say, Gülbahar, but Halime is still up there. It is interesting to analyze where her toxicity comes from, but she surely exhibits destrustive behavior that is visible and telling. She wasn't the best of influence to her kids and she took a massive part to shape who they are.

[theguruhypnotist]

Here's Why No One Should Consume Dairy.

First of all, you may want to stop believing everything you read and hear and spend time doing your homework and honing your belief system.  Being a Hypnotherapist and Coach, trained in NLP, Energy work and various other methodologies and certifications, I'm uber interested in the whole body approach to healing, which includes what we put in our bodies.I’m very anti-pharma for many reasons. 

Studies have proven that approximately 2/3 of the medicines you may be taking are placebo…meaning there is nothing in them except side effects and are harmful to your body. You’ve been taking them because your doctor told you to…remember pharmaceuticals are big business, why am I telling you this…because so is dairy.

There’s piles of money to be made in the dairy industry but in order to make that money, “they” have to make you believe that dairy is good for you and has massive health benefits for you. The loads of money that is made in the dairy industry is coated in loads of cow poop.

All mammals drink their mother’s milk during the first part of their lives, BUT then we are weaned off of it within the first few years and we move to other more appropriate food sources, as each mammal does depending on its specie and breed. This is the natural cycle of things. All mammals know when to stop drinking milk, EXCEPT humans…even a baby cows stop drinking from their mother as they grow up and start eating grass. I suppose if milk was required, we would see adult cows everywhere, continuing to drink from their mothers.

Since we’re speaking about cows and their milk, let’s understand another important point. The chemical composition of the milk from cows, is extremely different then that of humans, which means that our body is not designed to break it down.  There is an enzyme that breaks down the sugar in milk, aka lactose, called lactase, and our body stops producing this enzyme between the ages of 2-3. Why? Because we are not supposed to be drinking milk from our mothers after that.

Do you have poor digestion? When did you stop consuming milk products??

One of the arguments of drinking milk is that it contains protein. 87% of cow’s milk is made up of a protein called casein and the second biggest portion is whey. There is casein in mothers’ milk as well BUT there is 300% more in cow’s milk which gives them their huge bones. Casein is also used in wood glue because of its strong binding properties…see where I am going with this.   How can something used to make, not only glue, but paint as well as plastic and fibres be just as good for us to ingest? Really??

Here’s some information from various studies I’ve been reading about cow milk products;

1.   Casamorphin (found in Casein) can cause or aggravate autism

2.   Can double the risk of prostate cancer and up to quadruple the risk of metastatic or fatal prostate cancer.

3.   Proteins promote cancer growth, but of all the protein, casein, most strongly and most consistently promotes cancer and all stages of it.

4.   Encourages weight gain due to its highly acidic nature. Milk products will NOT help you in losing weight in those troublesome areas, ultimately keeping you from your health goals.

5.   Encourages our body to create too much mucus. Nothing is more powerful in promoting and forming mucus in the body.

a.   Mucus is good for our bodies as it coats what needs to be coated and protects the surfaces of the membranes BUT when we have too much here is what happens. It surrounds and engulfs all the toxins from certain foods in our body and leaving that toxicity trapped in our body.

b.   Excessive mucus begins to build up on the intestinal walls and harden adding to whatever else might be in there making it harder and harder to release the sludge and waste from the body.

As soon as you put but milk products in our body, our body begins to try and get rid of it desperately. How does that manifest? In the formation of phlegm, mucus and even pimples. So, here is my question, if my body is trying so hard to get rid of it, then why should I ingest it in the first place. Duh!!

Not convinced yet…ok, here is some more fun facts. The dairy that we can buy in the stores in packed with hormones and drugs because they are given to the cows to promote long life and more milk.

You know I have to talk about pasteurization as well. This process heats the milk to extreme temperatures so that it can kill bacteria and that sounds like a good plan. The problem is it also kills natural enzymes therefore making the milk even harder to digest.

You need calcium…that is a fact, so that we can build strong bones and prevent various illnesses like osteoporosis. Studies have shown that where dairy is involved in the diet, so are the incidences of hip fractures and bone issues like osteoporosis.  Women drinking milk suffer up to 7 times more broken hips…that is insanity. 

The protein that is consumed…and remember how high the casein is in cow milk…the more calcium is lost. So basically, drinking milk is an OXYMORON.If you consume around 75grams of protein, then you are losing more calcium in your urine than is absorbed in your body. That means the calcium you are drinking to make you stronger is your worse enemy and you are losing calcium and opening yourself to illnesses such as cancer.WAIT…I’m not done…there’s more.

Dairy products contain high levels of phosphorous, which binds to calcium making it impossible to absorb.

So, I’m going back to what I said in the beginning…stop believing everything you are told and do your homework. Don’t even believe me…do you homework.

The question becomes, where can you get some awesome calcium that your body needs and can absorb.  Here we go; Bok Choy, Broccoli, Cactus, Cauliflower, Collard Greens, Cucumber, Kale, Romaine Lettuce, Sea Vegetables, Sesame Seeds, Spinach and Turnip Greens.

If you’re an avid dairy fan and nothing I’ve said here has changed your mind then, at the very least, change to goat’s milk products or sheep’s milk. Goat’s milk is the closest to human milk that there is. My additional suggestion would be a Nut Milk, Hemp or Rice Milk.

Look forward to your comments and feedback.

[foxymoxynoona]

I know Bella really needs help with her mental but when we say Jk needs it to....like what exactly he struggles with,like we talk about him having a trauma but what exactly that trauma is?? He was a trouble teen who would fight with his parents and being mean to Bella but....what is that huge of a problem we know but never talked out loud? Based on 50+chapters bella is the only who struggles with a lot of shit and if it wasn't for her I don't think they need to go to therapy because bella causes most of the drama in this story. And when we deal with each chapter with her overreaction to things everyone say that THEY (jk and her) need to solve their issues but in reality it's only Bella's. What I'm saying reading this story sometimes feel like being stuck in Isabella's mind when Amended doesn't have strict pov in it. And when you as reader understand that wait a minute no Bella is wrong your way of writing making us feel like we in her shoes and it's not. It's like writing justifying her action rather then point to her flaws solve it and move on,like u doing an amazing job as writer and I love u,it's just sometimes it seems like u can be shitty bc u have a bad life story behind yourself.

Beneath cut!

His primary trauma is that when he was ten years old his father murdered 3 people after abusing his mother, leading to his family uprooting to the US where they didn't even speak the language or yet know anyone, in order to escape the publicity around the trial in Korea; upon reaching America, his mother immediately remarried a man they didn't know. He wound up going through a multi-year phase of acting out and getting into trouble, intentionally hurting the people around him and endangering himself, and then turned that into a sort of "nothing can hurt me, I'm cool" approach to life and love, which in turn led to him avoiding vulnerability in situations where he doesn't already know the outcome (an easy example is not wanting to tell Bella he loves her until he's sure she'll say it back, or using sex as the focal point of his relationships with women.) He sabotaged multiple relationships (like Miranda) to avoid getting too close and disappointing or hurting them. So the fact JK's trauma has only recently started to explicitly bubble up is precisely how he wants it to be; he would prefer we just never dig in on that and stay focused on Isabella! You can certainly make the argument that his trauma isn't as complex or long-lasting, if you really want to compare; he's also had a great deal of privileges she hasn't --like a loving family, financial stability, and not living the last 10+ years of his life in poverty and abusive relationships while trying desperately to break those cycles for his children. Isabella and Jungkook are not at the same point of their healing journeys.

"It's like writing justifying her action rather then point to her flaws solve it and move on,like u doing an amazing job as writer and I love u,it's just sometimes it seems like u can be shitty bc u have a bad life story behind yourself."

Ah, if you wanted a quick "point it out, solve it, and move on," that just isn't the purpose of this story (although I really wish healing from trauma was that easy!) because the mental health issues aren't a gimmick. In a way they're the main "villain" of the story (representing the lingering effects of all the actual villains in their lives, and how one of the terrible parts of abuse is that it can turn your own mind against you even once the abuser is gone). I set out trying to capture (however overly-ambitious this may have been!) a story about two people who together break free of the toxic cycles they feel trapped in, a story which captures the forward, back, and sideways pattern that healing often takes! And also that you are worthy of love even if you aren't at the "end" of that healing journey yet.

That said, I've tried very hard to make it clear throughout the story that their behavior and the relationship as is isn't to a healthy place yet, and that they both need to continue to improve in how they act and interact. The story is all about improving --whereas justifying either of their behavior would be stating that they don't need to change, it's fine for things to stay like they are, even if they hurt each other. In that case, why even bother sending them to therapy?

"And when you as reader understand that wait a minute no Bella is wrong your way of writing making us feel like we in her shoes and it's not."

Have to admit, I love this! I think you meant it as criticism, but this is the reason I love writing close third person. Yay! Find yourself thinking critically about what someone is doing, how they're thinking about that, how they're justifying it to themselves, or what they don't understand about the situation they're in, or what privileges they have or don't have that influence their position. This doesn't just apply to people with "mental health issues," this is about anyone and everyone!

But yes, I do just think it's valuable to have an open mind about where someone has been, what they've been through, and how that impacts where they are now. Not so we can let them walk all over us, but so we can lead with compassion and help the people around us find the path to their best selves.

[kosmosguk]

Could I have BTS's reaction to having an emotional detached s/o for example like if they punish her by killing a loved one or something it doesn't really affect her? But it doesn't have to stay in just that particular situation you can explore and stuff >

[Of course! I relatively kept it close to what you requested, and I hope you enjoy it!

Warnings: Violence, Threats of Violence, Abuse, Death, Gorey Descriptions, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Other Yandere Themes, Like really fucking toxic relationships that I hope none of you ever experience]

Seokjin:

It was the fifth person, an array of blood and bones and an image that should've sickened you to the core. Anyone would've felt sickened. But, standing here with eyes glued to the limp, neatly sliced up corpse of your best friend, you felt nothing. You felt nothing as Seokjin pressed you closer to him, his blood-soaked apron staining your beautiful white blouse. All you could think of was the material, how hard the bloodstain would be to get out, anything but the death that reeked in the room. You could see Seokjin get angrier, his voice louder as he told you to look, to look at the death. His words were like a haze, a watery blur of letters that your mind didn’t bother to interpret. He wanted to see you cry, to sob, to see you react with anything but the mute reality you were responding with. After all, Seokjin loved, just a little too much, to see you cry.

"I killed him, sliced each inch of his skin for being too close to him, and you won't even say anything? Do you not care about what I do for you? Look at him! Look at him. This is the extent I’ll go for you, what I’d risk for you, and yet you won’t even look at me!"

Yoongi:

You were used to Yoongi now, used to the way he would give you that stiff, chilling look as he gave you increasingly morbid gifts. Teeth, knocked out of your friend, tied in a twisted necklace, love letters with detailed descriptions of each kill, little souvenirs he'd snatch off their bodies that he knew you knew only they wore. You used to be so horrified, begging and screaming and kicking and hoping that someone would wake you up, but you adapted, you learned how to survive. And you stopped feeling. Yoongi got more desperate; were you growing tired of him, of his gifts that showed his devotion? Yoongi may be an unexpressive man, but he's also a desperate man. He'll do anything to make you feel something, to look at him with eyes that aren't so cold and blank, and if he has to dig out hearts as gifts to get you to do so, he will.

"I gave you all of these fucking gifts and you won't even acknowledge them. Don't be an ungrateful bitch because I'll figure something out to make you realize how grateful you should be. I always do."

Namjoon:

Namjoon was a smart man, a controlling man. He had melded you into the perfect lover, obedient, submissive, but he had never intended for you to end up so...detached. You were docile, silently curling up next to him whenever he came home, a warm dinner primed on the table. Sometimes, he liked to play around with you in those moments, pressing you further into his grip as he murmured softly, his face peaceful despite the malicious glaze over his eyes, exactly how he could hurt you, cut you open and mark you as his. You never blinked at the words, humming softly where you needed to as he spewed out ways he could brand you, how he could make sure you could never leave him. It had been frustrating for him at first how blank and unresponsive you were, but it was so much better than the bitter fight you used to put up before. Perhaps, he thought to himself, maybe it was better that you were so distant. That was the easiest alternative to a sick route, after all.

"I could carve my name into your back. Imagine how beautiful it would be, the word Namjoon, 7 letters that'll mark you as mine. Or I could burn a brand into you. But I won't as long as you'll be my good girl, right?"

Hoseok:

Hoseok was...unpredictable. His mood changed quickly, bounding from one leap to another. One moment, he'd be smiling, the curve of his lips radiantly lifted, and it was like he was on top of the world and nothing could bring him down. And then something would bring him down, and he'd change. It would be from the simplest of moments: your affection was just a second too little, your declaration of love lacked enough emotion, you accidentally forgot to wear the gift he gave you. You learned to detach yourself from the moment, blinking and nodding to acknowledge, and you wouldn't even notice when he had stopped hissing threats, angered that you didn't care. It was a never-ending cycle: you'd mess up, he'd get angry, he'd hurt you, and then he'd beg for your forgiveness. But sometimes you weren't even aware of the pain, of the fear that you should've been feeling; after all, a never-ending cycle gets boring quick, and you'd never really cared about it enough to complain.

‘‘You won’t even acknowledge me? Do I not mean anything to you? I’m your boyfriend, the one you should love the most, the sun of your dark, dull boring life, and you don’t even want to look at me? Do I have to show you who you belong to? Because I will if I have to teach you a lesson.’’ 

Jimin:

You were aware of the man clinging onto you, blood-stained and begging you, his eyes swelling in tears, to forgive him, that he didn't mean to kill them but they were asking too many questions and that he didn't want to look at you with those distant eyes. You couldn't help it, that numb feeling that swallowed you up and left you only aware that you were breathing and nothing else. Jimin was clinging harder to you now, crying so hard that he was hiccupping as he begged at you to look at him, to not be so distant. "It's okay," you said, voice hoarse from lack of use, even though anybody else would've said much otherwise," I don't really care." It was like a switch, those words would always make him happier and oh so much better. He'd let you have space, let you even brush your hair and tie your shoelaces all by yourself, maybe even let you choose your own clothes. And after a while, those words, repeated over and over, made you realize that perhaps, maybe you never really cared at all in the first place. And maybe it was good you did.

"I'm so, so sorry. He was just there and he was asking so much about you and he got too close to the truth that you loved me and wanted to go away with me forever and wanted to take you away from me. I had to kill him. Please don't hate me. I'll do anything, just, please, say you love me."

Taehyung:

You used to snap at him, fiery and bold and passionate. You were like a wild animal, one that had just too much freedom and needed a cage. He was kind enough to provide you that, but it took you so long to realize exactly why you needed to be grateful that he would take you, a masterpiece in a world of filth, and lock you away in a safe, pure place. Pure was subjective, warped in his own eyes, and it was definitely not with the way he brought you down, making you want to crumble and break, just like an animal trapped and wanting to curl up in a corner and sleep away, broken. That's why when he got angry at you for not looking into his eyes properly during a conversation, tightly gripping your jaw until you were sure there was blood under his nails, when he threatened to lock you up in a disgusting small room he had built for bad, misbehaving beasts, you were almost grateful. You wouldn't have to look at him, wouldn't have to give him kisses and be under that watchful, predatory stare. Your relief, instead of the fear he wanted, must've shown through because he noticed. He always noticed. And by God, you should hope that the small room with a blanket on the floor as a bed was all you got.

‘‘Not even looking at me while I’m talking to you? I raised you better than that. You best keep in mind everything I do for you: how I took you in when you were a miserable piece of shit, how I raised you; how I kept you well. If you forget, I’m sure a trip to the room will help. And if you don’t remember? By God, you’ll realize how much of a blessing that room is.’‘

Jungkook:

Jungkook pressed a kiss into your neck, your body perched uncomfortably on his lap and his arms, strong enough to crush your body, looped around your waist. "You know," his voice was muffled by your skin. His teeth was poking your flesh now, hard and sharp and threatening, as he sunk them into your skin, marking you brutally as you stared at the painting across from you, barely registering the pain as more of a numb sensation, even when he dragged his teeth out harshly. "I could mark you up like this, maybe," his fingers trailed up your bare arm, digging into it," maybe I can even write my name right here, tear you open." You barely blinked in response. "What do you think?" he asked you, tapping your shoulder," JK right here would be perfect. Should I do it?" You hummed in response. His grip tightened around you as he murmured," You didn't answer me properly." You blinked, once and twice, and then replied," Do whatever." Jungkook grinned boyishly, sweet and innocent before he turned angry, like the man you knew. He pushed you off his lap, causing you to sprawl to the floor, his voice loud and booming," don't fucking give me a vague answer. Answer me properly." "Yes. I don't care," you said, your voice steady despite the impact. "You don't fucking care," Jungkook spat out, his voice at a near yell," I'll give you a fucking reason to care."  

‘‘It’s bullshit that you don’t care. That you don’t give a fuck. Because you should, you should if you don’t want me to do something you’ll regret. If you keep saying that you don’t care, I’ll give you a reason to care, give you a reason to give up this fucking stupid ass game of yours.’‘

[alyjojo]

The Current Karmic ☣️ Connection In Your Life - June 2023 - Leo

Who are they: 3 Wands

Your relationship with them: 4 Pentacles

What you’re learning from them: The Tower

What they’re learning from you: The Devil

Future potential: 4 Wands

Overall energy: The World

I get a sibling vibe for some of you, with 4 Wands and 3rd House here. Doesn’t have to be for everyone, for some it could be romantic or whoever, but for many it feels like a family member, cousin, sister, in-law, aunt, a close neighbor with family issues, something like that, because there’s a feeling here of wanting to not rock the boat and make waves, like you’re forced to play nice when you wouldn’t necessarily do the same for just anyone else. There has been a lot of drama with this person, you could see them as someone that instigates that drama. Like everywhere they go, drama follows them. Or that’s switched. There is a deep level of codependency, addiction, or toxicity here that’s been suddenly brought to light, and ended, in some shocking way, and I’m not sure which side it’s on. Maybe both of you in some way, and it could be due to the two of you, or parents and other relationships that have influenced you.

They’re waiting for you to do something. They don’t know if they want to come back around or if they should abandon this connection altogether. They may have waited for you to come back to them and say something, and you didn’t, or that’s switched. The relationship itself is one of trying to hold on tightly, doing anything to keep it from ending, guarding them/you possessively close to the other for fear that if they/you move forward then that’s it, it’s over and they/you are gone. Which…is true. The World is the end of this dynamic, the karmic lessons have been learned, at least on your side, and the cycle is completed. Breathe a sigh of relief for that 🙏 because the potential moving forward is very positive.

You’ve learned something from a Tower that’s happened between you, some shocking event, realization, a view of how things were changed suddenly and your life moving forward became a whole new world 🌎, it’s like you were once trapped in a box that you didn’t even realize was a box, and you’ve been set free. It may have been unexpected and changed your life very quickly, but the walls came crumbling down and you saw the endless potential for what life could be for you. Other options, other paths, you’re not stuck at all, where before you were with this Devil. What they’re learning is this level of codependency in their life, waking up to it, whether it’s actually theirs, yours, a combination of the two. They’re currently healing from this connection, there could be some level of trauma, abuse, negative perceptions of life and the world that have changed who they used to be into who they are, and that can be what creates The Devil in this person. Because of 8 Swords being here, this person may have been an actual victim of something, have addictive tendencies, codependency due to bad health or many different serious circumstances, I’m not denying or undermining that, but they keep themselves stuck in that mindset. It’s possible they don’t have a choice, and it’s possible they do, both ways. They’re trapped, they can’t move, they’re bound to something and can’t break free. In some way, they thought it was both of you, and you were unhealthily BOUND together, in a toxic ride or die sort of way. But you broke free, or you are currently.

Now if you’ve hurt this person, they’re having to heal from that. So many different situations this could be, and you know what this Devil involves more than I do, but this reading isn’t about them, you’re leaving them to handle their own shit. You’ve learned your side of this lesson, which is no…you’re not trapped, and you’ve got to worry about yourself and live for you 💯 The future potential for this connection is possibly leaving the place where you both live, if you live together, 4 Wands can signify a home. This shows you are done with this Devil energy, and the relationship itself can go either way. For some, this is family, and you still are around, supportive, celebrating family and everything. Or you’re just good on your own, you’ve created stability in your own life, maybe you’re getting a new place and you’re happy about it. Whatever it is, the toxic parts of this relationship are done, because you’re done, and you’re going to be just fine because you’re rising to the occasion, taking control of your life & decisions, and making sure it stays that way.

Zodiac messages:

SUN - LEO - 3RD HOUSE

- The creation of self-confidence to create your ideas.

- The gaining of respect for or from taking a chance on short-term thinking or trips.

- Things brought to life or light resulting from the impressiveness of who and what is around you.

Possible signs:

Aries, Capricorn, Gemini, Scorpio, Virgo & Libra

[tar-oh]

Pick-a-Card!

So, I’ve decided to try out a pick-a-card. This is taking place of the daily cards from Thursday and Friday. It’s just a general reading, think of it as your daily card, except you get to choose a pile. You’re welcome to choose more than one, especially because some of them are kind of similar messages. Just pick whatever feels right! If you do pick, and it’s not resonating, try another pile. There is a chance there just isn’t a message for you in this pick-a-pile. If that’s the case, sorry! Maybe next time, or you can find another reader on here who resonates better.

Okay, so it goes:

Pile 1: Amethyst

Pile 2: Clear Quartz

Pile 3: We’re calling this the Pink/Gold Rock. I found it in an old jewelry box, and I’m still trying to figure out what it is.

Pile 4: Opalite

So, again. Pick whatever calls to you. You can have more than one.

Pile 1: Amethyst

New Moon in Aries, Waxing Moon, Ace of Wands, Wheel of Fortune, King of wands rx, 10 of pentacles reversed, Temperance and 5 of wands, and algiz. 

“I get so far, so fast.” - So Far, So Fast by The National

This pile seemed to be more work/creativity themed.

You're feeling inspired with new ideas. You're being advised to put these plans into action because you're on the right path. Though, you may be feeling impatient and want to jump right in. Maybe you feel that you're not quite strong enough to do so, but you are.  All that you want is possible, you just need to work for it. Remember not to go too fast and to take time out for your loved ones. Also, be smart with your finances in this time. However, things are in the universes hands, so luck is definitely on your side. For some, you may be meeting someone new. This can be romantic or platonic. They may be able to help you with these new ideas. For others, you may be dealing with an overbearing boss or authority figure. Stand your ground, but don't get too defensive and be kind (I know that really sucks because my first instinct is to chew someone out). But remember, luck is on your side, so all will work out in the end. Pile 2: Clear Quartz

Full Moon in Taurus, South Node, Ace of Cups reversed, Two of Pentacles, Queen of Pentacles, The Artist,  The Magician reversed, 7 of cups, berkana.

"I think about you way more than anything else." - Quiet Light By The National

"All the very best of us string ourselves up for love." - Vanderlyle Crybaby Geeks by the National

Oh boy. I sense heartbreak in this pile.

The biggest message I'm getting with this pile is that you're doubting your self-worth. This could have stemmed from a situation involving a heartbreak. I think some of you may have been cheated on (take what resonates).

Others may have gotten into a relationship that seemed promising, only for it to turn out not so great. You may have rushed into things with unrealistic expectations, or found that it was hard to balance this relationship with the rest of your life.

And for others, you may be pursuing something or someone that is actually quite toxic. You've created an unhealthy attachment towards this situation or person, and you need to step back and reevaluate things. The lyrics from Quiet Light, "I think about you way more than anything else," as well as the card South Node suggest this. I'm not saying this is a horrible thing. We all have our obsessions. It's just that we need to figure out which ones are healthy and which ones aren't.

Whichever applies to you, there are a few things you need to know:

One, you need to take a step back and figure out what it is exactly you want. You need a plan. Whether this be a situation involving money or a person, you need to figure out what actions you need to take. Do not rush into things. It's not the time to do so.

Secondly, listen to your intuition. If you're with someone and something feels off, then this is probably not the situation for you. You need to slow down and listen. Chances are, you already know what you need to know, you're just not paying attention.

And lastly, the Full Moon in Taurus talks about Law of Attraction. I'm not going to get into that, but there's something it says in the guide book for this card that I think applies to this: "Value yourself and others will value you too." Trust me, I know how hard it is to get out of a depressive state. I've been depressed the majority of my life. However, once I started trying to be kinder to myself and tried harder to stop doubting myself, I found myself feeling better. I'm not saying this is the end-all-be-all, or that this is going to work for everyone (I think it would be total bullshit to say that, honestly), but what I am saying is that you can program your mind to be nicer. Yes, I still have bad days, but they're less frequent. Life is not all rainbows and roses, but with a little bit of effort, it can have a few more rainbows and roses.

Whatever situation you're in, I'm sorry.  Know this: There is a new start within this situation. You can choose to start new. You can choose to free yourself of this toxic situation. I think this choice gives you power. It won't happen overnight, but an effort can help it happen. You don't deserve to be in this situation. Know that you're not alone (like seriously, if you need to talk, feel free to dm me!) Know that "All the very best of us string ourselves up for love". So, again. You're not alone. Don't let this get you down.

Sorry if this was kind of heavy, but apparently it needed to come through to someone. Maybe this was what you needed to hear to realize what kind of a situation you're in.

Pile 3: Pink/Gold Rock

Full Moon, Seven of Swords, 3 of pentacles, Death reversed, The World, Queen of Cups, Four of Swords and Ansuz (A) rune.

"There's a little bit of hell in everyone." - Rylan by The National

"I'm addicted to the soundtrack. I need the noise."  - Don’t Know Yet by Silversun Pickups

This group has a habit of keeping bad habits. It's okay, we all are there once and awhile. The problem is that you've gotten too comfortable where you're at. You've been stagnant, resisting the change. But, the thing is, when we allow ourselves to become stagnant, we grow apathetic. Is that a life worth living? This refusal to let go of bad habits and even obsessions will not end this chapter of your life. Instead, you'll be stuck reading the same three sentences over and over and none of it is going to register in your brain. You need to work on letting go of the negative and allow change to come in.  

Some of you may need to work on forgiving yourself and others, as well as stop needing to do it all alone. You may need to collaborate with others in order to work through this change. Some of you are just being hardheaded and sneaky. Don't be that way. Honestly, just Death Reversed and Seven of Swords suggest this, but I also have a feeling that one of you needs to hear this. Circling back to the thought about not needing to do it alone, this applies to you especially. You need to be open about your emotions and thoughts. Work through this with someone else.

Others may need to take a break. Clear your mind. You're ignoring your intuition. Clearing your mind may help you quiet all those doubts you have, enabling you to trust your gut. 

Overall, however, a new chapter is beginning. The World and Full Moon signal cycles ending. You're in this stage. It's up to you to be ready. Do you want to keep going back a few pages to reread what you missed while you were repeating those sentences? Or do you want to be able to finish this book and start another one? You have everything you need available to you; whether it's within yourself, or by working with others, it's up to you.

Pile #4: Opalite

Full Moon in Aries, The Lovers, The World, Ace of Pentacles, Seven of Cups, The Tower, Page of Swords, Page of Wands, 8 of Swords, Hagalaz

"Don't you know, someday, somebody will come find you?" - So Far, So Fast by the National 

"Guardian Angel, what do you see? I have tripped on all of your signs." - Romance Languages #1 by Cold War Kids

You are so smart, but you're afraid of the unknown and that's holding you back. You're terrified of what the future brings, so you allow yourself to stay stuck in this mental cage. Living in your daydreams instead of acting them out. You have a curious mind, always striving to learn new things. You're also extremely insightful, and usually you're really good at communicating. But this fear is holding you back, making you feel unfocused and unable to use your voice. I see that some of you may need to make a decision about some sort of union. Maybe this is about the joining of ideas, or a relationship. Whatever this is, it offers stability and the end of a hard chapter. But, to get here, you need to take the blindfold off and free yourself. You're ignoring all of the signs sent to you that it’s time to change, and because of this you're going to experience a tower moment. You have built a foundation that is not stable, and it's going to fall down. It may come as some shocking revelation. Or something painful. I do think this tower moment is avoidable if you already know what this decision is and can act on it, but if not it's out of your control. Once it's happened be building your foundation back up. Just remember this: you're not trapped, you've only convinced yourself this. Hope something in this resonated! I spent a lot of time on this and now I feel like I could sleep for days :( Also, still really in need of more lyrics outside of The National...I swear there’s more in the deck, but those seem to really want to come out these past weeks!

[victimsofclivepreddie]

I am a sexual assault victim of Clive Preddie, a licensed paralegal in Toronto. Other women must beware.

I am a woman who has been sexually assaulted many times over by the same man. It has taken me years to have the courage and the clarity to write my truth. This statement is composed to warn others, particularly vulnerable women who may come across the path of a man named Clive Preddie. I am making this statement anonymously because, among other things I am in a vulnerable position, and I fear retaliation by this man, who should be seen as dangerous and avoided.

Mr. Clive Hayes Preddie is a licensed paralegal who currently practices and operates a paralegal business in Toronto, Ontario called Central Legal Services located in North York. He also operates a Twitter account.

Mr. Preddie is a ruthless predator who preys on vulnerable women. I am writing this public statement to warn any women crossings paths with him to be on guard.

I was once a client of Mr. Preddie's. After I trusted him with my legal and personal finance matters, he blithely used my information he obtained to exploit my precarious financial situation at the time. Mr. Preddie is motivated by hostility, power and control!. When I met him for help with my legal and financial issues, he knew I was at a very low point in my life, and as the manipulative, cunning predator that he is, he recognized in me the defenceless I felt.

He used his position of power to commit sexual assault on me numerous times while asserting power and control over me. He stalked me at work As a paralegal, he abused my client confidentiality with his unethical and unscrupulous behavior to take full advantage of me for his own sexual benefits.

A woman should never have to worry that she could possibly be sexually harassed/coerced by a professional she has hired to do a job simply because she put her confidence and trust into him. However, in my caes, it was clear Mr. Preddie premeditated this plan to exploit me for his own thirst for sexual gratification. Mr. Preddie cannot be trusted.

I was not well-versed in the law of sexual assault at the time, and was not cognizant of my rights. But I was humiliated and incredibly distressed after these incidents, and as a result of the trauma I was subjected to over many years by this man. My professional life (I worked in a corporate role), my relationships with friends and my beloved family deteriorated, becoming cold and distant as I struggled to come to terms with my victimization.

At the time I felt continuously cocersed, manipulated, and threatened. I didn't fight back because I was trapped in a cycle of physical and psychological abuse. I tried to bury the abuse down within myself. I was afraid to tell anyone around me what was happening because I felt I would get blamed for infidelity (I was and am married) and was convinced no one would believe me. Mr. Preddie persistently threatened to reveal to what he termed our "affair" to others, and signalled he was going to tell my husband I was cheating on him if I did not comply with his demands to keep meeting him during my breaks at work. I was mostly just making the motions from day to day. Depression, anxiety, fear, self-doubt and confusion set in. I wanted to curl up and die most of the time during the period I was abused by him.

Mr. Preddie is an exploitative individual who would do whatever it takes to gratify himself. He was in a position of power over me, as I had entrusted him with my confidential legal matters in the past. I believed from the outset he pre-planned, pre-arranged and then executed his plan to insert himself into my life for nefarious purposes. With intense therapy and self-reflection, I am now able to identify all the ways in which Mr. Clive Hayes Preddie premeditated his sexual abuse against me over the years. I am almost certain he has done this to others before me, as everything he did was well-rehearsed and planned- -- from using the details of my files that contained private details about my finances to target my vulnerable situation, to the pre-planned meetings geared towards manipulating me into doing what he wanted, and the psychological threats to separate me from my family and friends.

It wasn't until various facets of my life, including my personal and financial situation improved and I grew determined to take control over my life that I finally developed the self-confidence and courage to stand up for myself. As I gained more willpower and learned to stop blaming myself, I grew to fully appreciate the insidious lengths to which Mr. Preddie has gone to do this. Mr. Preddie banked on me being in too weak of a position to retaliate. However, since then, I have grown stronger and I have learned to stand up for myself. I have learned to find my voice! I will never let another person use me sexually again. I hope that other survivors who have been mentally, emotionally, and physically abused can find it in themselves to tell their stories without fear one day as well. Many like myself have suffered in silence, terrified of the consequences of speaking our truths. I will no longer be silent.

Writing this statement was incredibly hard, humbling and healing. My sincere hope is that you are moved to a new understanding not only what happened to me, but also are cautioned about toxic men like Clive Preddie who only coerce you into believing they have your best interest in mind, when in reality they are only preying upon your vulnerability to exploit you while emotionally destroying you.

It has been a few years since I was able to pull myself away from this terrible and toxic situation I was in with Mr. Preddie. I am releasing this statement with no other purpose but to warn other potential future victims of Mr. Preddie, as well as to encourage potential past victims of his to stand up for themselves and use their voices to find justice. 

[louie-gaming]

On Orbeck of Vinheim

I posted this on reddit, but I’m sharing it here too.

First things first, fanart: https://www.artstation.com/artwork/0XxlPw

Orbeck was absolutely my favorite character starting in three. His call back to Griggs is painstakingly obvious. He has the same jaw length black hair. He has the same outfit-- the old sorcerers gloves and legs as well as the black coat. Dark Souls has a major theme of cycles, and reoccurring NPC tropes is a part of that. We have Eygon mirroring Petrus, Leonhard mirroring Lautrec, Irina and Reah, Cornyx and Laurentius, and each one of them feels like their predecessor with character development.

Eygon does actually stick to protecting Irina. Irina makes it to becoming a firekeeper (if you let her). Cornyx continues to tutor you until the very end even after he learns the chaos pyromancies.

Orbeck is no different.

Griggs may or may not have been an assassin, but he wasn't out to kill Logan. He had ample time to do that and never did. But he does constantly chase the man's coat tails. He gets locked in a room and is trapped until someone else saves him. He's horribly incompetent, he's always beating himself up, and he eventually dies still trying to chase after "Master Logan". Griggs has no self respect, and it's a tragedy.

Orbeck knows he got screwed over. He knows the dragon school used him and spat him out. He doesn't waste time feeling sorry for himself in Lothric. He goes right out hunting down the magic the school denied him. When he leaves you and goes to the Archives, he doesn't appear to die a traumatic death. He's slumped backwards in a chair. However he died, he died doing what he loved.

And he brings up a lot of interesting things about Vinheim.

Before I get into that, I need you to understand that he does appreciate the player character. He suffers from the one line syndrome that all NPCs do, but his one line is a bit more bitter and nasty. One set of lines another user pointed out, "I take it you understand the weight of a promise. In connection with his regular parting dialog "Promise to stay safe." Implies a deep caring. He does value the player character as something more than a source of scrolls.

He opens up more than any other NPC at the shrine to the player character going deep into his resentment of the dragon school, how he was an assassin (twice he mentions his regret for careless killing and a third time he mentions the way assassins greeted each other), and he gets so excited about each scroll. With each scroll he gives a little bit more lore.

When he leaves, he calls his time in Firelink as a pleasant memory. If you kill him while he's in firelink, he says "But, why... Is that all I'm worth?" And if he kills you... "Gods, what have I done?" Both heart breaking phrases.

So yes, he does very much care. And he respects himself.

But back to Vinheim...

He mentions that if it were the dragon school, you would be overtly despised. That might be because you're undead-- after all the undead are exiled, but then Orbeck feels he has to leave. He cannot stay lest the relationship turn sour. But... why? Here you are, two academics (or someone who's just buying spells just cuz). Why the hell would your relationship turn sour? If I were in Firelink shrine and I finally met another academic peer, I would be damn sure to keep in regular contact with them. So why does he assume it's going to go sour?

Because academia in Vinheim is toxic. You would be overtly despised out of jealousy. Why haven't they recreated Logan's work? Because all of their academics are at each other's throats. They can't seem to work together. This is such a problem that Orbeck, who considers you a friend, leaves when he feels you begin to outshine him. Academia is murderous, maybe literally so, in Vinheim.

He does die, yes. But he does so academically fulfilled. The Dragon School denied him a proper education, so he achieves it in Lothric beside you. I like to think that one day, in the Age of Dark, someone finds his scrolls.