#they should ban me from experiencing genuine connection to people all it does is make me insane (derogatory)

[pikslasrce]

day ?? of having the anxiety levels of someone being followed around by a sniper

[naughtybg3confessions]

not a confession but regarding kinks scenarios etc implying poor hygiene and such concerning gortash: there's a huge issue i've seen brought up multiple times by turkish and middle eastern bg3 fans asking for people to be more sensitive and considerate about the racist stereotype of brown men looking and/or being dirty or smelly that's ignored over and over by the fandom. this isn't shaming anyone for kinks but it's something that needs awareness cuz it means something very different applied to other characters than it does with gortash. sometimes it's a genuine mistake of ignorance on their part but a lot of people are knowingly using it as an excuse for colourism and exoticism and it's important to listen when poc fans are literally pleading for people to stop calling the turkish man a dirty greasy rat. i mean no rudeness by sending this i just think it should be known and to help avoid future issues that might be encountered with running a blog like this

Let me start by saying I'm only part Turkish, so I'm coming from the place of someone who hasn't experienced discrimination in the same way. I honestly had no idea Gortash was intended to be Turkish, as Turkish names and words are used commonly throughout the game. But I can see the connection here, and it's awful that there are people out there saying such things with those intentions, and ignoring the people who are most affected by them.

I want to believe the average Gortash fan sees him as 'dirty' because of the yellow teeth, bloodshot eyes, bedhead, sloppily laced robe, and general evilness- though I guess it's also unfortunate that people associate poor character with bad hygiene. But I think he tends to attract fans who already have a particular set of kinks, and like me are probably wholly unaware of the implications. So, thank you for making us more aware. I'm not saying your experience isn't real, just agreeing with you that in some cases I don't think it's coming from a place of intentional racism. As I said, I was even clueless that Gortash was intended to be Turkish at all. I'm just not in the Gortash side of the fandom enough, I guess.

Exoticizing and bigotry are mentioned as explicitly against the rules here- I do my best to enforce this, but there are nuances to that I'm likely ignorant of. If anyone is talking about any character from that place- especially when POC are saying it's damaging- we as a fandom need to reflect on that, and not tolerate it. To anyone objectifying Gortash or any person with those intentions, you are not welcome here.

As for how I'm going to enforce this, I'm honestly not sure. I'm hesitant to blanket ban all stinky Gortash anons, since I allow those confessions for all the characters and banning them just for POC characters also has unfortunate implications, I feel. Anon or any POC followers, you are invited to weigh in on what you think I should do?

[mbti-notes]

Do you have an opinion on the affects of social media on developing cognitive functions, specifically teenagers? I am asking with regard to navigating my son's adolescence. He is 16 and while the last few years have been more turbulent than previous years (with no doubt more to come) I think the road has been made substantially smoother as a direct result of me being able to access your blog, thank you. I don't feel inclined to limit his social media use, it's a part of life now, but it would be

[con’t: helpful to have some signs to look out for. I originally typed my son as Si dom with T preference and was trying to encourage his Te but now I’m thinking he’s more like INTP so I’ve changed my strategy to keep an open mind (and develop the patience of a saint LOL) and help him make the right decisions for himself. He has become more reckless and scattered lately with high value placed on acceptance from friends. Could this be Ne or does social media have a larger influence?]

I’m glad that you find the blog helpful and I admire your devotion to parenting. You raise a lot of interesting issues, though I may not be the best person to ask since I tend to have a negative opinion of social media. Parenting teenagers requires walking a very, very fine line between giving them enough guidance to avoid bad decision making vs giving them enough freedom to learn proper independence. It’s a very hard job. Sometimes, the only way to know that you’ve veered too far one way or the other is by making the mistake and then adjusting your approach - lots of trial and error. Every kid is an individual, so what works for one kid won’t necessarily work for another. Being able to adapt to their needs is the key point. It’s art more than science.

Everything has its positive and its negative side. Human beings tend to be short-sighted and easily rationalize bad decision making. When they really want to do something, they are much more likely to envision the benefits of doing it and this then blinds them to the costs. To be a good parent, I think it’s important to teach children how to recognize negative consequences and navigate them more intelligently (i.e. objective assessment of pros and cons that produces rational decision making). However, this is only possible if parents themselves are capable of it. You can’t expect kids to learn how to do something well without someone to teach them or model it for them. Unfortunately, I know plenty of adults of all ages who misuse social media just as badly as their kids. Kids learn predominantly through example, so you have to be the first one to follow the rules that you set. If you don’t follow any rules yourself, they won’t see the point in following any, either. For example, if all they see of you is your nose in your device, why would they put theirs down?

I don’t believe in banning kids from social media, but I do think it’s a good idea to be smart in limiting its usage. Social media shouldn’t be a substitute for real and meaningful human interaction, it shouldn’t take up so much time that important things get neglected, it shouldn’t interfere with maintaining good physical and mental health, and it shouldn’t be used as an escape. Teenagers become harder and harder to supervise as they get older because they increasingly have their own life going on. At a certain point, there’s no imposing rules on them because violating their autonomy only leads to rebellion.

A better strategy is to sit down with them to talk about the importance of using social media in HEALTHY ways, talk about why limits are necessary to avoid the negative/unhealthy aspects of it, and negotiate with them to come up with sensible limits that both of you can live with. If YOU also spend too much time on social media, then it’s even better to join them in adhering to those limits, to model the behavior that you expect from them and give them the feeling of being in it together. When you place limits on one aspect of life, it’s a good idea to expand yourself in other ways so as to minimize the feeling of “missing out”. For example, if you use social media for social connection, then compensate for limiting social media by making more effort to go out and join interesting social activities. Putting limits on fun means increasing boredom, so make sure that the boredom is addressed with a healthier option.

Social media is relatively new, so there isn’t a big enough body of research about its hidden effects or underlying costs. The few studies that have been done about social media mostly seem to suggest that misuse/overuse has very detrimental effects on psychological well-being. The spread of misinformation is a big problem (i.e. it makes people stupid). Cyber-bulling and violation of privacy are big problems. When you are so plugged in to other people’s lives, it’s hard not to engage in social comparison, and this often results in negative self-appraisals that diminish self-regard. This is particularly destructive for teenagers because they haven’t yet developed a very strong sense of self and are very likely to use other people’s judgment as a barometer of their own self-worth. Adolescence is usually the time that people start to grapple with level 2 ego development. It’s important for teenagers to learn how to socialize well and fit in with others, but it’s also important for them to learn the dangers of choosing the wrong socializing methods.

People at level 2 ego development are very prone to: experiencing shame/anxiety/depression via negative social comparisons, blindly following the ingroup (and rejecting the outgroup), and sacrificing self-care as they succumb to peer pressure. Helping them is not a matter of trying to stop them from doing these things, because you can’t, since doing these things is a natural part of that stage of development. What you can do is offer them guidance about self-care and help them think more critically about the best ways to handle peer pressure (i.e. give them options/strategies for working through real situations), in hopes that they’ll learn how to make better decisions. In the event that they make a bad decision, review the mistake with them. Reflect with them to figure out what went wrong and work with them to brainstorm ideas for how to avoid the same mistake in the future. Ask them what they could’ve done differently (this encourages N development). The PAIN of making mistakes is an efficient way to learn, which means that you shouldn’t be in there “helping” to the point that they don’t feel the pain of their mistakes.

Discipline is necessary for giving kids a sense of structure. To internalize a sense of structure is to possess a mental framework for making good decisions (usually requires developing the judging functions). At the very least, a child should have their parent’s way of critical thinking at hand whenever they aren’t able to solve a problem entirely on their own (i.e. “what would mom/dad advise me to do?”). Always be transparent, fair, and consistent in how you punish kids by explaining your decision, why it’s necessary, and what lesson it’s meant to teach them (e.g. self-care, intelligence, respect, patience, etc). This makes it more likely that they eventually internalize your moral lessons and learn to use them even when you’re not present. If you punish unfairly or disproportionately, if you’re a hypocrite, or if you’re inconsistent with punishments, you risk losing their respect, which, in their mind, means that they no longer have to listen to you.

Unfortunately, some kids don’t learn well the first time around and you have to discipline them to get the point across. You can develop a punishment scale that begins with a mild punishment for the first mistake and then increase the severity of the punishment for every instance of repeating the mistake. While I admire your patience, I’m sure you know that laissez faire parenting also has its problems. Overly permissive parents run the risk of losing their child’s respect because it’s easy to fall into the trap of devaluing your own needs whenever the child tests your rules and boundaries, and they will absolutely trample your boundaries if you give the impression of not having any. When you devalue your position of authority in the relationship, you encourage kids to do the same, and then you become a mere source of food or money and nothing else to them. This also enables them to be narcissistic in their approach to others.

I’m not sure how good you are at communicating, just in case it’s needed, I’ll continue on to say that I believe that one of the most important elements of parenting is establishing a strong sense of trust. If your kid trusts you, they’ll feel more confident about making independent decisions because they know that you’re there to help them should they need it, and sometimes it’s enough that you’re with them “spiritually” in their memory of lessons learned. The best way to build trust is to keep the lines of communications open. Good communication isn’t about trying to pry information or performing the role of judge jury and executioner. People, let alone teenagers, won’t want to communicate with you if they suspect that all you’re doing is judging them or just looking for an excuse to criticize them (and teens likely get enough of this from their peers).

Communication should come from the heart, use inquiry and sharing of feelings to show that you genuinely care about what’s going on with them. Good communication should work both ways: listen to each other carefully, be transparent about your motives, be honest about how you feel and what you need, negotiate compromises, and respect each other’s individual autonomy. You should model the kind of respect that you want them to give to you (I can’t count the number of times that I’ve seen parents trying to teach their kids to be more respectful… by shouting at them angrily). When they are out of line, remain calm, hear what they’re feeling (validation), then explain to them that you/people are more likely to take them seriously when they express their feelings maturely. Give them an example sentence of how to express feelings or requests respectfully.

Teenagers are emotional creatures, they live in the emotions of now and don’t respond well to appeals to the future. This can’t be helped because it’s part of adolescent brain development, so give them some leeway to get their feelings out, but use the chance to teach better communication methods. Sometimes it’s necessary to give them cooling off time before instigating a serious discussion. Recklessness is usually rooted in emotion. Some kids are reckless out of boredom, some out of anxiety, etc. Try to identify the underlying emotion that’s motivating the problem and then you’ll have a better chance of coming up with a good solution. For example, if boredom (or excess energy) is the motivation, then enroll them in productive activities to fill up their time. If anxiety is the motivation, then they need to learn better emotional management skills, perhaps get them a bit of light counseling on the topic from school or a local community organization.

An important part of establishing trust that is often overlooked is the notion of equality. A parent-child relationship is naturally unequal in power, but it doesn’t have to be excessively and unnecessarily unequal. There are a lot of different kinds of communication, since people communicate with different intents/purposes depending on the circumstances. More often than not, parents only talk to their kids in “parent mode” of ordering them around, interrogating them, or criticizing them. If this is the only mode that kids get to see from you, then they will view you as an authoritarian and their approach to you will be rooted in fear of punishment and the desire for escape. This makes it very difficult for them to trust you because you’ve taught them that your role is to supervise and discipline and nothing else, which means that everything they do will be as far away from your watchful warden eyes as possible.

There’s no avoiding “parent mode” as a parent. However, you can avoid making that the ONLY mode. A better strategy is to pick your battles wisely so that you use parent mode as sparingly as possible, especially with teenagers that are always pressing you for more freedom. But if you’re not using parent mode, then you have to know how to communicate with them in other modes, otherwise, communication tends to dry up quickly. To build trust, do more activities with them and spend more time talking to them in a way that establishes both of you as persons on equal footing. To be clear, I’m not talking about the cliche of being friends with your kids; I believe that you should maintain the position of parental authority until they reach adulthood. I’m talking about communicating heart-to-heart so that they get to know who you are outside of your parental role. Be more willing to share your feelings with them such that they feel encouraged to share theirs with you. Within reason, share with them what’s on your mind and let them in on what’s happening in your private world. You don’t want to let them in completely, however, because you still need to command enough respect to have some authority over them. Talk about problems you’ve encountered or struggled with and how you felt about them, but also talk about what you did to resolve them, which gives them good examples to learn from.

Rebellion is a natural reaction to feeling excessively restricted, and it’s natural for teenagers to feel restricted regardless of whether you are objectively restricting them, because their main preoccupation is independence. Children tend to project their psychological problems onto their parents, and you can make it harder for them to demonize you by humanizing yourself enough for them to empathize with your experience. By communicating in heart-to-heart mode more often than in listen-and-obey mode, they learn that the relationship between you matters in its quality of love and care, not just in whether they follow your rules. When you successfully establish a sense of mutual appreciation for each other, they learn to see you as a person with your own needs and desires, and then they’ll have less desire to rebel against you. If your kid understands that your “parent mode” is just one part of you but that the greater part of you is a fellow human, then their rebellion is likely to take a softer, more respectful form. As a result of trust and good communication, they are more likely to consider negotiating with you first before running off to do something dumb just to spite you. Let them know that you’re always open to calm and sensible negotiations/compromises because it gives them the sense of having some say in the matter. As you gradually “equalize” the relationship through heart-to-heart communication, it’s then easier to transition into an adulthood friendship with them in the future.

From the child’s perspective, I distinctly remember when my parents switched modes with me, perhaps you can recall your experience as well. My mother had a strict rule of never involving kids in adult affairs, ever. Both of my parents come from big families and they all grew up together in a small town (11 siblings between them), so there was always lots of drama going on behind the scenes, but my brother and I were completely oblivious to it growing up. My parents were quite stoic with us and we never really knew what they were thinking, so the relationships were often quite strained because communication was virtually non-existent.

You can imagine my shock when, one day, in my twenties, I was just minding my own business as usual and mom comes into the room and complains about this or that relative. She proceeds to tell me the entire 20+ year backstory of their horrible relationship. I thought she had gone mad for spilling all this shocking info to me out of the blue. Signs of early onset dementia already? But then I realized that this was a role change. I was no longer the kid who had to be kept in the dark. I was now a person who was worthy of being treated as a confidant and even someone smart enough to seek advice from. It was a bittersweet moment. Sweet because, starting in adolescence, people hanker to be treated as an adult by their parents. Bitter because she had decisively given up her authoritarian role and now I had absolutely no cause to keep rebelling against her, lol. The point is, she could’ve given up her authoritarian role more gradually by easing me into the role change in mid-to-late adolescence. We wasted many years being at odds with each other because she couldn’t recognize the ways that I had matured. And some parents aren’t flexible enough to ever make the switch.

In the end, you can only do your best. If I had to come up with a motto about parenting it would be that “Attention is love”. Just be attentive and respond to what’s important to them. Teens appreciate your care even when they don’t show it or claim to not want it, so long as you respect their emotional needs.

PS: There’s already a parenting title on the resources list about teenagers and social media that might be of help.

[hxccomnqvjnf-blog]

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[kunalkarankapoor]

"Other actors just play their character but Kunal lives that character and makes it alive in our hearts n memories forever. Such is the magic of Kunal. We can't save ourselves from it and frankly speaking we don't want to." - Ruchi Gupta

"Honesty, passion and connection. These words define Kunal. Are visible in each of his character." - Ruchi Gupta

I don't know where I stand with him. And I don't know what I mean to him. All I know  is that every time I think of  him, all I want to do is be with him. Do you ever just think about some one and immediately get really happy because their mere existence is a source of joy to you? 'HIM' - Just one word, yet one person comes to my mind, 'Kunal Karan Kapoor' People lets admit it. we love him.  we seriously do. Its crazy Kunal because I don't even know when you became so important to me. Its like watching a  snowstorm .  I see the flakes falling, but I didn't realise how they added up. Then suddenly my whole lawn  is covered . Every little thing of yours has added up, and you are my snowstorm, baby. When I first saw you I honestly had no idea that you would be so important  to me.. When I think , the whole world disappears  and, its just me and kunal. in my whole little world kunal love is broad ; If you love someone, you love all things , not just their looks. Love is narrow ; you love one and only one, compared to  you, no one else matters to me Have I told you yet... How much I love  you, how much you mean to me.. Have I told you yet.. About all the happiness you bring to me.. Have I told you yet.. That you mean the world to me. You are the best thing that's ever happened to me.. Just in case I have not.. I want you to know.. I love u.❤ Kunal Mania 

vinitagill: “Each scene lingers in your mind because of what he brings to it !” k_mavourneen: “The more I see him, the more am in love with him.. gosh..” kunalisthan: “Kunal sir's natural acting never fails to connect us with the situations.it seems as if we are travelling through a web of various emotions and can feel the agony,happiness and any kind of emotions the character is experiencing. Mohan Bhatnagar was a character which was given life by kunal sir.I don't want to think mohan just as a character written by any writer.the character had a soul,voice,a real existence in our minds.and it could never have been possible without this powerhouse of talent, Kunal Karan Kapoor.”

pujam_andal22: “His eyes and actions speak more than his words... Love that part in whole season of nbt😘😘 No one can speak through eyes..😘😘 his eyes r Magical!!”

ipsita_kia_224: “His amazing acting brings to life every character portrays in screen”.  

ashapurna5: “Everyone's story is coming at a similar point.. 😍 When I 1st saw the promo of this show season 1 that was really an OMG moment.. Maine already kunal ji ko pratigya me as angad dekha tha.. So it was hard to believe that is this the same guy.. He's looking so handsome here.. Actually the show's promo was catchy and different.. It was released at a time wen all the TV Shows name was based on a song.. Nd I suddenly remembered this song.. But could nt watch at that time as my 12th board exams were approaching .. But managed to watch somehow as I had that craze ki nahi mujhe toh dekhna hi hai.. Dheere dheere became an everyday part of life.. The spiderman chawanni was the 1st bond which was like dil jeet lena type.. Nd then all was like heaven.. The scene in which mohan professes his love for megha in front of whole family seriously broke my heart.. It felt like it was kunal and not mohan.. If I watch that scene 100 times.. 100 times I'll cry just by watching it.. 2nd season is way more mature and good.. It just made megha and mohan cry so much.. That sometimes makes me sad.. Every year I watch both the seasons 1 nd 2 on voot♥️♥️😍 there's really once in a while a show like this comes..to make u drive crazy for years and decades to come. Thank you @kunalkarankapoor “.

ashapurna5: “Jiski aankhein ho ruhani.. Jo bole dil ki zubaani.. Adaaon me ikhtiyar.. Jisse karein poori duniya pyar.. Chehre me base noor.. Wahi toh hai Kunal Karan Kapoor😍 “

ashapurna5: “Some people express by their words.. Some people impress by their eyes... But only few people can express and impress both by their eyes... He's one among them♥️♥️😍”

ashapurna5: “Teri hasi dekh insan Dard me bhi muskuraye.. Jaise mili ho khuda ki inaayat ban jaye.. Toot kar bikhre huye raahi ki aakhri umeed ko.. Jaise mila ho aashna uske wajood ko.. Keep smiling always like this KKK♥️ “

ashapurna5: The person with a distinctive uniqueness.. With a golden heart.. Nd a genuine smile.. With a lively aura.. That's KKK... WHEN YOU SMILE THE WHOLE WORLD STOPS AND LOOKS FOR A WHILE♥️♥️♥️  His every reply or ans directly comes frm the heart.. Nd that's what shows his originality and genuineness.. His humble and down to earth nature is what makes him stand alone with pride frm the crowd♥️♥️

sumita_0227: “One of the reason we love his ivs is PURITY.dil mein jo jubaan mein woh.he never pretended to be the perfect.he presented himself the way he is(we have got many evidences).jo bhi karte ya bolte hai dil se hota hai ek chote bachche ki tarah.GENUINENESS HUMBLESS and INNOCENCE.this world is a very difficult place for innocent people.they often get hurt.but still he never stops to be innocent and genuine.so i call him brave as well.chahe duniya jo bhi bole....he is the best and wll remain the best.💕💕 “

duskyhues: “Omg.. what a performance. I have told it many times. Would like to reiterate dat kunal Karan kapoor carried the entire season 2... on his shoulders... with his impeccable performance”.

sumita_0227: “There are somethings which are difficult to express in words.it can only be felt and that's what kunal sir make us do.he makes us connected with every emotions of him or rather the character's.it seems as if we can see his soul through his eyes.dialogues are not needed when the eyes and body language can emote so much.it's soul exposing.it's like a magical song he sings to us and we get drown into it's melody.💕💕 “

ashapurna5: “The more I see you.. The more I admire you.. The more I fall for you.. Change is constant.. But you are the one who make that change worth of acceptance.. Love you KKK in all aspects ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️😍 “

vinitagill: “His voice sounds so husky n sexy in this scene!” 

paviviji: “Expression king I bet u no one can beat his expressions” 

k_mavourneen: “He's an amazing actor.. just too good..” 

priyark31: “Har scene main jabardast performance di hai kunal ne. Tareef ke liye saare words kam lagte hai. Thank you @kunalkarankapoor itne khubsurat itne memorable scenes ki gifts dene ke liye. These serials n scenes r an all time hit. Thankkkk youuuuu so much. 😘😘😘😘💕💕💕💕 “ 

sonalipahuja65: “Extremly talented kunal” 

priyark31: “Kunal ne har scene main jaan daal di hai, har baar utana hi maja aata hai scenes dekhane main jitna pahli baar aaya tha. #kunalkarankapoor you are the best . 💕💕💕💕💕💕😍😍😍😍 “

kunal.kkk.admirer: “Kunal's Speechless acting without any word He expressed His all pain in this very short scene ❤ Every time He proved that He is truly a King of Expressions 👑❤”

priyanka.m58: “Everytime when I watching your face,or just even single actions from you I don't know what happened inside of me....It's more and more gives happiness and I started smiling like a child...love you..love you lot..Kunal. And special thanks to Ani..you're editing & your works👏 it's made me to feel good day by day...Hats off to you.💐”

priyark31: “Full of emotions, talkative n most beautiful eyes.💕💕💕💕”

shivangisainisimpleI: “guess not a single scene can describe his commitment...n dedication...all scenes r just magical” 

niveditha_niri: “His eyes speaks everything..no dialogues are needed for him❤️💕..his expressions tells everything”   

priyark31: “Brilliant,👏👏👏 what an actor he is. I think no words can describe him. He is above all appreciation.😍😍😍😍💕💕💕”

vinitagill: “He owns every role he does ...you feel it was meant for no one else but him ! “

sangeetha0606: “Having said that actor like @kunalkarankapoor is par excellence and even the story can be moulded not just because of TRP, but also should be because of a character's reach to the audience..this also challenges the writer and the director..this way the TRP will automatically go up...” 

kunalisthan: “Waiting to witness many more amazing chapters in this beautiful journey. Many more memories are yet to be made and so many new stories and adventures are yet to be unfolded by him. So many characters are waiting eagerly for him to get a life through him. Their emotions are waiting to be expressed through his eyes and expressions. And I am ready to discover him more and more through this wonderful journey.❤️😊”

priyark31: “Truely remarkable...It's a delight watching Kunal's acting, how an amazing actor can give meaning to three different characters and portrait their personalities with such perfection. @kunalkarankapoor is one and only... “

ruchi_kajalvarshney: “The best part is he completely dissolves in the character whether it's funny, intense romantic, sad Or shattered.. He lives that character❤️and makes it alive forever in our hearts ❤💞 “

arpitaoscar: “Kunal sir.. I think koi bhi aisa award abhi tk ni bana jo apke acting ko ja sake coz... Sab awards apke acting k liye kum hai.. Bestest actor... “ 

kunal.kapoor_22: “Hardwork never fails... For each and every scene he put lots and lots of effort and moreover sometimes the normal scene itself become the most beautiful scene because of his presence and effective effort... Such a wonderful brilliant actor 💞👏👏👏” 

Shweta Deshpande: “His ever talking eyes are his best assets. Love them and the gentleman who owns them.” 

[truthaeekingwriter-blog]

I HAD TO BE THE VOICE FOR THOSE WHO COULD NO LONGER SPEAK FOR THEMSELVES”

Dr. Bennet OmaluBy Dr. Bennet Omalu Early in the fifth century, an ascetic monk from the east felt compelled to travel to Rome, a city he had never visited before. He arrived to find huge crowds all moving in one direction. Since he did not know why the Spirit had led him to the city, he decided to follow the crowd. He quickly became caught up in the festive mood that permeated the crowds. His sense of expectation rose as the push of the crowds led him to the coliseum, where he sat down with the rest of the people and waited to see what might happen next. He did not have to wait long. Two gladiators came out into the arena and began fighting with swords and shields. Telemachus had never seen such a sight. Horrified by the sight, he stood on his seat and shouted, “In the name of Christ, stop!” No one paid any attention to him. The rest of the crowd cheered at the top of their lungs as the two gladiators began to draw blood from each other. As the crowd cheered, Telemachus ran down from his seat and jumped into the arena. He went straight to the two gladiators, shouting, “In the name of Christ, stop!” The fighting men ignored him until he put himself between them. When the crowd saw him interfering with their entertainment, they began to boo and shout for him to get out of the way and let the show continue. Telemachus would not budge. “In the name of Christ, stop!” he shouted again. The crowd went from annoyed to enraged. A gladiator pushed Telemachus to the ground. As he lay in the dirt, the angry mob surged toward him. One man threw a stone at him, striking him in the chest. Another stone came flying in—and then another and another. He shielded himself with his arms, but the flurry of stones was too strong. Telemachus tried to get up from the ground but was knocked back down as a rock struck him in the head. A stream of blood spurted out. The blood only seemed to stir up the anger of the mob even more. “In the name of Christ, stop!” he said one last time. The stones continued to rain down, even after the small monk stopped moving. When it was clear he was dead, the anger of the crowd turned to revulsion over what they had done. Those who had cheered for blood felt very different when it covered their own hands. Saint Telemachus could not stop the gladiator combat show in the Roman Coliseum that day, but his death ultimately moved Emperor Honorius to ban the fights forever. I did not set out to be a modern-day Telemachus when I started writing my first Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy (CTE) paper. I had not taken up the cause of telling the world, or at least America, the inherent dangers of football. At the time, the paper was nothing more than the final step to fulfill the promise I had made to the late Pittsburgh Steeler Mike Webster, not a crusade. As I wrote in the last chapter, the hardest part of writing the paper was getting started. Until I came up with a name, words refused to come. Once I settled on CTE, the words seemed to fly out. I completed the first draft of the paper in a little over a month. While I made multiple revisions based on editorial input from my coauthors and the editors at the journal that published it, the bulk of the paper is the same as that original draft. I truly believe my writing was guided by God Himself. Right around the time the movie Concussion was released, I went back and reread the CTE paper for the first time since its publication. To be honest, I nearly fell over when I read it. This came out of me? I thought in amazement. This paper is too good to have been written by me! I was floored by its audacious scientific originality, creativity, and innovation. The Bennet Omalu of today could not write such a beautiful piece. At that time, I was still filled with youthful idealism and hope. When I wrote that paper, I believed it would truly make a difference, that it would spark a genuine dialogue within the football community that would result in a game that protects its players. I boldly spoke my mind and made the type of strong assertions Dr. Wecht had taught me to make whenever I spoke as an expert in a court case. My boldness was based on truth. I had no reason to be anything but forthright. I did not take a side in the paper. Truth does not have a side. Truth is truth. It is up to us to conform to truth; truth does not conform to us. The paper focused on one case—that of Mike Webster. Many more former football players probably suffer from CTE. However, because there had not yet been a concerted effort to look for the presence of CTE in the brains of former football players, we have no way to know how widespread this disease might be. I assumed many of those connected with football would be anxious to know more, since I also assumed they surely had the players’ best interests at heart. Yes, I was young and very naive. After completing the first draft, I set the paper aside for a short time and then went back and made revisions. I sent copies to Drs. DeKosky and Hamilton, along with Dr. Wecht. I also sent a copy to Ryan Minster and Ilyas Kamboh, both of whom were in the Department of Human Genetics at the University of Pittsburgh. These men were my coauthors on the paper. Each of them suggested changes. Some I accepted, while some I did not. I sent the final draft back to them all. We went back and forth until we had a manuscript we were all proud of. Now the question was where to submit the finished paper for publication. I believed there was only one logical choice: Neurosurgery, the same publication in which the NFL concussion committee presented its research. The journal’s editor at the time, Michael Apuzzo, was a professor of neurosurgery at the University of Southern California. Under his direction, the journal had added a sports section that featured articles on sports and the brain. Since Neurosurgery had already published NFL papers focusing on football and concussions, it seemed the logical place to submit my paper. From what I observed in the review process, I believe my paper went through many reviewers—possibly up to eighteen—not two or three. Why so many? I do not know. All of them sent comments to me. While many were positive and asked legitimate scientific questions that I needed to clarify, others had a decidedly negative tone. Many of them did not want to see my paper published, but the reasons they gave were not scientifically valid. Some of the negative comments questioned my credentials. They insinuated that I was a no-name and a quack. Who is Omalu? they essentially asked, and why should we take seriously the research conducted by nothing more than a government employee doing autopsies in Pittsburgh? The attitude expressed by these reviewers speaks to one of the fallacies of accepted scientific research. Today, the scientific community yields to established, experienced professors in university settings to guide research, review research papers, and determine whose research is funded. The result is a complete lack of innovative approaches to old problems. Instead, we are stuck with conformational intelligence, where the same approach is used over and over. The seemingly endless process of back-and-forth with the many reviewers left me very frustrated. I suspected that none to several of those reviewing my paper were trauma neuropathologists. Many of their comments made it clear they may not have been adequately educated on the pathology of neurotrauma. The process of answering their questions and objections took three to four times the amount of time it took to write the paper itself. My responses were more than five times the length of the paper. Yet no matter how much I wrote, more questions came. My patience began to wear thin. Gradually, without my knowing it, a simmering anger arose within me. I could not believe this was happening in America. In all fairness, some of the reviewers were good to me and commended me for my work. A minority remained vehement that the paper should never be published and that Omalu should not be trusted because his assertions are dangerous. However, to the credit of Dr. Apuzzo, Neurosurgery ultimately decided to publish my paper. They included some of the comments from reviewers, but most of those included were positive. One in particular stood out. Dr. Donald Marion, a neurosurgeon from Boston, gave some very constructive comments. Given what happened next, he was an angel from God to me, encouraging me when I could have easily drowned in a sea of doubt. Finally, I received a copy of the volume 57, number 1, July 2005, issue of Neurosurgery. I opened to page 128 and just stared at the article. I did not reread it. I had read it enough times during the editorial process. Instead my thoughts turned to Mike Webster and his family. You’ve been vindicated, Mike, I thought. After reading this, people will know you did not want the life into which you descended. Football did that to you. I hope this gives you rest. And then I closed the journal and set it on a shelf. I never could have imagined that this was going to be deemed one of the most influential case reports in sports medicine. When I closed the cover of Neurosurgery, I did not imagine that paper would come to define so much of my life and my life’s work. In my mind, it was very much like the other papers I wrote both before and after Mike. I had discovered something in the brain of Mike Webster and now I had reported it. That afternoon I went back to work and completed another autopsy then filed my reports on it, just as I did every day. The Mike Webster paper was just another day at the office, not a life-defining moment. Then the NFL stepped in. One morning several weeks after the publication of “Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy in a National Football League Player,” my phone rang. Dr. Wecht’s secretary was on the phone. She only called when there was a problem or when Dr. Wecht needed me. As expected, she said, “Cyril needs to reach you. May he call you at this number?” she asked. “Of course,” I said. A few minutes later, the phone rang again. “Bennet,” Dr. Wecht said in an anxious tone of voice. He was usually very loquacious, but not this morning. “I just got off the phone with an editor from Neurosurgery.” “Is everything alright?” I asked. “No. The NFL sent them a letter demanding that your paper be retracted. They want you to say you made the whole thing up.” I sat there stunned for a moment. “What did the editor say to them?” I asked. “Dr. Apuzzo has set up a review committee to address their concerns and determine if it should be retracted.” I wondered if this had been the original plan all along—if they had only agreed to publish my paper to embarrass me. Now it made sense. By holding me up to professional ridicule, they would send a message to other doctors across the world that you don’t mess with the National Football League. If my paper was retracted and all my science debunked, then my career was as good as done. No one would ever touch me or the question of CTE ever again. Panic started to set in—panic and anger. But then I remembered the words of Saint Paul: We know that all things work for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose… If God is for us, who can be against us?… What will separate us from the love of Christ? Will anguish, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or the sword?… No, in all these things we conquer overwhelmingly through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor present things, nor future things, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. — Romans 8:28,31,35,37-9 (NIV) Once I calmed down, I realized I had the least to lose from this battle. My coauthors were far more established than me. I was only three months out of my training as a neuropathologist when I conducted the Mike Webster autopsy. I was a neophyte. But Drs. Wecht, DeKosky, Hamilton, and Kamboh had their names and reputations on the line. I wondered if they regretted becoming associated with this no-name Nigerian doctor. “So what should we do, Cyril?” I asked. Dr. Wecht laughed. “Don’t worry about these idiots,” he said. He actually used a much more colorful term, which is Dr. Wecht for you. “Don’t let them intimidate you or silence you. Dr. Marion is going to call you later. Listen to him, and do whatever he asks you to do.” “I will,” I said. I hung up the phone and whispered to myself, What have I done? Tears rolled down my face. I knew I had done nothing wrong against anyone. Everything I had done that led up to this moment, from ordering the fixing of Mike Webster’s brain to the extensive study of the slides of his brain to all of my research into brain disease and ultimately in publishing this paper—all of it was driven by my desire to have justice for Mike and restore his humanity. And now I was under attack. My career and the careers of those who had stood with me were all at stake. I knew what I had to do. I had to stand firm on the truth. Truth will not be moved or intimidated by those who seek to silence it. I had never set out to become a modern-day Telemachus. My goal was never to be the voice of an outsider who points out what no one else was able to see because their eyes were clouded by conformational intelligence. If the NFL had simply ignored my first paper, I may never have become the one running out into the football arena and crying out, “In the name of Christ, stop!” But once they demanded a retraction, that was exactly who I became. I had no choice. I had to be the voice for those who could no longer speak for themselves. _______

[touristguidebuzz]

Maiden Voyage CEO on Leveling the Playing Field for Female Business Travelers

Carolyn Pearson, CEO of Maiden Voyage. The company just released a set of educational modules to help level the playing field for female business travelers. Maiden Voyage

Skift Take: Supervisors who don't send women on business trips, in a misguided effort to avoid dealing with women's safety issues, are doing their companies a disservice by suppressing that talent. Companies that tackle that duty of care head-on are playing with a full deck.

— Sarah Enelow

Maiden Voyage, which serves female business travelers and the travel companies hoping to capture that market, said in its Women in Business Travel Report 2016 that 31.4 percent of female business travelers globally have encountered sexual harassment while traveling.

Risks also extend to theft, assault, rape, and kidnapping. Then, with that on her mind, making constant micro-calculations about her surroundings, the female business traveler must do what what she actually came to do: meet a client, make a presentation, close a deal.

Some women struggle to even land professional opportunities that require travel because male supervisors know the safety risks and don’t want to deal with them, much less pay more for a safer hotel or taxis to avoid walking alone at night.

Maiden Voyage, which is headquartered in Leeds, England, wants to level the playing field with a new set of video courses on five subjects: pre-planning and packing, safe ground transportation, hotel safety, intercultural awareness, and safe meetings and leisure time.

These 20-minute modules are interactive with maps, audio testimonials, and trivia questions. What percentage of women reported feeling vulnerable when traveling on public transport? 67 percent, according to research conducted by Maiden Voyage.

The company also inspects hotels and certifies those that meet certain minimum safety requirements, and offers training for hotel staff.

These measures aren’t just about making travelers more comfortable — they’re also a legal obligation to protect a growing group of women. Research from the Global Business Travel Association shows that 37 percent of U.S. business travelers in 2016 were female, a slight increase from 35 percent in 2013.

“If something goes wrong, the company will need to be able to show in a trial that they took adequate measures to safeguard their travelers,” Maiden Voyage CEO Carolyn Pearson told Skift. “That would be briefings and training and an audit trail of what they did to safeguard that trip, or maybe even a risk assessment. We know from the potential of the market that we’ve entered that probably 95 percent of people are failing on that already.”

Skift spoke with Pearson to find out how companies can support their female business travelers without pandering, how supervisors can feel more confident selecting women to travel, and how corporate travel buyers are failing and succeeding in keeping employees safe. This interview has been edited for length and clarity.

Skift: Do you find that many women opt out of business travel? In the workplace if women worry about being seen as fragile or needing protection or being different from their male counterparts, how do you address that urge to avoid business travel altogether?

Pearson: We’ve spoken to lots of women who’ve not taken the next step because that entailed business travel. Obviously the first and foremost issue is how do they balance everything if they’ve got a family and kids and all of that. But also there is some genuine fear if they’re traveling to areas where they’re going to have to go by themselves and there is some concern that they just don’t feel comfortable doing it by themselves. And so they don’t apply for those next levels up.

But what we know from one of the Swiss pharmaceutical companies that we’re speaking to is that they’re now getting candidates who are applying for jobs with those companies that entail travel. Now what are you going to do? What are your duty of care measures that you’ve got in place to make sure that I’ll be safe when I’m traveling on business?

Also, things like what standard of hotels will you put me in? Will I be flying in economy or business class? Am I allowed to fly in sociable hours and what about transfers? What ground transportation will you offer me when I arrive in a country?

Skift: I imagine transparency is always good in these cases.

Pearson: Yeah.

Skift: How can women inspire more confidence in their male bosses so they select women to go on the road more often, and do so more confidently?

Pearson: A lot of the travel security managers are ex-military, they served in Iraq or Afghanistan and places like that. They’re kind of roughty toughty guys and women are getting into more senior roles. They’re becoming more empowered and more vocal in the workplace. It’s a fine line between having a conversation with a woman about the gender-specific travel risks and isolating her, feeling that she’s been discriminated against and treated like the weak sex and patronizing a woman who’s used to traveling around the world by herself.

Some guys refrain from having that conversation because unfortunately once or twice they’ve had their heads bitten off by somebody who’s said to them, ‘Don’t talk to me like that. You wouldn’t have that conversation with a male colleague.’ It’s tricky for the guys to get this right but I think the women have to also accept that they can play a part in that. If a man is offering some travel safety advice, he’s not doing it because he’s being an idiot. He’s doing it because it’s genuinely responsible. He’s got legal and moral obligations for her safety and he’s probably got a wife and daughter at home as well and so I think we should be a little bit less touchy about the fact that somebody’s giving us that information, because complacency is really where the biggest risk comes from.

If somebody just said to me, ‘Oh I see that you’re going to Iran. Remember that you need to put a headscarf on when you enter Iranian airspace.’ ‘Oh yeah. Good point. I’ll pack my pashmina,’ for example.

Skift: You’ll need support on both sides of the aisle because it’s going to be a rare workplace where there are no male employees or no male leadership.

Pearson: Yeah. I speak at a lot of security conferences where it is 90 percent men. A lot of them do say to me you know they’re really nervous about having these conversations, so they don’t, and they know that they’re failing in their duty of care by not having the conversations.

Skift: Do you see a difference in the way that business travel for women is handled in companies with managed travel programs versus unmanaged programs?

Pearson: No. It’s really interesting because we’re starting to see companies now putting a question in the RFP asking the TMCs [travel management companies] what they do to safeguard female business travelers, and we had a TMC say to us that they lost a multimillion pound deal with a company because they didn’t adequately answer that question. The clients want it but the TMCs haven’t really thought about it yet. We work with one or two TMCs but actually I was speaking to a travel conference yesterday of TMCs and they said to them, ‘Put your hand up if you are already considering the gender-specific needs of your travelers.’ About 10 percent maximum put their hands up. The travel managers, I guess, are a little bit more savvy around the wants and needs of their travelers than the TMCs are.

Skift: Let’s switch gears just a bit. I’m wondering if such political events like Brexit or maybe President Trump’s travel ban are having a special effect on female business travelers?

Pearson: Brexit means companies are having to trade further afield. Whilst women may be experienced in traveling within Europe, and of course we’ve got the border controls where we can just sail through, we’re going to have to travel further afield maybe to achieve that same amount of imports and revenue. Therefore, that means by nature that we’ll be traveling to areas which are more culturally diverse and therefore, longer time at passport. You’ve got one woman actually who was saying to us that whenever she travels she gets stopped and cross-examined while her male colleagues don’t. Yeah, definitely there’ll be the differences in terms of, knowing what the cultural differences are, adhering to them, and also the extra step of maybe more cross-examination at borders.

Skift: What can women do about the fact that being safe on the road — for example staying in a more secure hotel, taking taxis at night, maybe hiring a guide or a translator — is more expensive than being unsafe?

Pearson: It’s interesting because the travel manager, the guy who does the deals with the hotels or with the TMCs typically, I would say 85 percent of those travel managers are only concerned with cost and compliance to the travel policy. The savvy ones, the top 15 percent are the ones that actually say, ‘No, I’m also responsible for duty of care.’ If they’re concerned only with cost and compliance then they’re going to by nature not be looking at duty of care, which is therefore going to give people less of a reason to comply to a travel policy.

If a travel manager gets that duty of care is part of his job as well, then that’s absolutely fine, but if they don’t, then of course they’re going to be putting women and all their travelers potentially in more unsafe situations. But if something does go wrong the overall cost to the company of course is massive because it impacts everybody. Impacts the reputation, the actual cost of the person that’s left or has been injured or refusing to come back or the insurance issues around that, the connected PR possibly, the time spent within HR.

Sometimes it doesn’t make sense to save 10 pounds. Actually when I’m speaking to the TMCs I like to talk about the total cost of the trip. If the travel manager is saying, ‘Well, I want you to put a rate cap of $200 in Manhattan,’ and for whatever reason the rates are really high in this certain area because there’s something going on and people are having to stay further away, then they’re going to spend extra in cabs anyway, and so the total cost of the trip might be higher because they’ve tried to stay on budget with the hotel. Of course, the risk goes higher because they’re staying out of town.

Skift: Corporate travel executives talk a lot about disruption from sharing economy services. How have Uber, Lyft, Airbnb, VRBO etc. affected female business travelers? Are women more or less worried about safety?

Pearson: What I can see, because I spent some time looking behind the scenes of Airbnb and Uber, is that they massively want the corporate market. They’re willing to change their systems and their processes and their models to tap into the corporate markets. Of course, it’s a massive growth area. What I know is that a lot of travelers are using these services anyway. Whether or not they’re using them through the corporate travel systems is another thing. But actually again with the more savvy companies, if they know that their staff are using these services then they’re better off bringing them into the travel program because then if they use the business ready solutions of Uber where you’ve got higher insurance or Airbnb where you’ve got a better standard of property, then it’s the safer thing all around.

Skift: Last year I wrote a story about hotel rooms created specifically for female travelers, and in that research I saw that there are a couple of different ways to approach that product. The cheaper way is to put some amenities in the room that are generally accepted to be female-friendly, maybe fresh flowers, chocolates. I’ve seen free pantyhose, rooms painted pink. The more difficult and expensive way is to look at safety, for example, how secure are these rooms on the first floor? 

To that end, how do we serve female business travelers without falling into the ‘pink room’ trap, without pandering?

Pearson: What we found is that hotels that really want to work with us, they’ve got a minimum criteria that they need to adhere to. The big one is double locking doors, so [they need] a separate chain on the door so no one can get in once you’re in, or at least you can be alerted to the fact that somebody else is trying to get in. We found the hotels that want to do that are actually putting the second locks in now. In the past we used to inspect hotels. My heart would sink when I’d come across one that didn’t have double locking doors although it’s got everything else, but literally nowadays the hotel is saying if we come across a room that doesn’t have a double lock, we’ll put it in because we really want to work with you because they see the value of the growing female business travel market.

But actually we know some TMCs that don’t even work with hotels that don’t have double locking doors. I don’t think women need any extra security. I think double locking doors are also important for men, but the implication of a man walking into a room when there’s a woman there is obviously that the risk is higher for her than it is for a man because women are more frequently sexually assaulted or sexually harassed.

You must probably point to the incident that happened with Erin Andrews, where she was filmed through a hotel spyhole.

Skift: Yes. Erin Andrews eventually, after a very long legal process, was compensated for that. That was a very important case.

Pearson: If you look back as to how that happened, he actually called the hotel, I believe, and said that they were colleagues and they were traveling together. Obviously hotels get phoned all day, every day, so it’s probably very easy for that to happen and for it to be viable 99 percent of the time, but I guess if you’ve got a high-profile female you might want to check that with the person responsible for the booking.

Skift: It’s shockingly easy for these incidents to happen. We see that in these new educational videos you’ve created, with the audio testimonials. Particularly I remember from the demo this woman who was being lured by a man to stay in his hotel room.

Pearson: Yeah. I think what we want to achieve by our training, whether it’s the classroom training or the e-learning, is that you’ve already thought about a plan B and a plan C. What we find is that risk escalates really quickly, and so if something goes wrong, if you’ve got a plan B then it stops there, whereas if you have no plan, your emotions are heightened, the chemicals in your body and your brain are heightened and then you’re not thinking logically. You’re making mistakes and then that’s when things can really go wrong.

We had one woman who arrived in Lagos and the driver didn’t appear and she was terrified. But if she’d gone through our training, there’s a thousand things that she would have done beforehand. She would have the number for the company. She would have had the number for the office. She would have had a backup solution in place, all of those kinds of things so that she’s, ‘OK, the driver hasn’t turned up. I still haven’t run out of options. I’ve got all these other things I can do.’

Skift: The hour at which you arrive in a new place is crucial. I think it was astute to have an entire module devoted to: My plane has landed, how am I getting from the plane to my hotel? Or from the plane to the convention?

Pearson: Yeah. I have a story. Yesterday, two women who were sexually assaulted before they’d even left the airport.

Skift: Oh my goodness.

Pearson: In Egypt, in the ladies toilet.

Skift: Goodness, well this is why your company exists.

Pearson: Yeah, sadly. I wish we were just around to make business travel social and it was naturally safe.