#theyre 4 hours away!!!!!!!
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started taking 600mg ibuprofen instead of 400mg for my cramps. im already building a tolerance to it 🙃🙃🙃
#the first couple months i tried it were great!#it completely took away my cramps--and for more than 3-4 hours!#but now. ive taken 2 (over the past like. 12 hours) and my breakthrough cramps feel just as bad as my unmedicated ones on a good cycle#i wish i cld go to the dr and ask for pain meds w/o having to worry that ill get flagged/labelled a “drug seeker”#i shld just do it anyway#theyre *so bad* this cycle#like doubled over moaning in pain bad#cant talk cant pay attention cant think bad#its that thing where youre in so much pain your entire focus narrows down to just the pain itself#thats all you can think abt#just. waiting out the wave#waiting for it to end#and thats on *top* of my back/joint pain + general body soreness#/sigh#being in pain sucks man#cldnt sleep at all last night and kinda doubt ill be able to tonight either#oh well
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so i got to see sheeno mirin, ahub, r906, utsuP, & hiiragi magnetite. i missed hiiragi kirai by a few minutes but thats okay im more than satisfied with what i did see.
#r906s SO TALL??? DID U KNOW THIS?????? THEYRE TALL!!!!!!#i only have one vid from utsuP bc my phone was under 20% battery. and magnetite was the last performance of the night#and that was over an hour away & i NEEDED my phone to not die for obvious reasons#i also heard rettou joutou like 4 times tonight and that does NOT get old in that setting#convinced thats how its supposed to be experienced. and probably all giga songs#utsuP had a really solid song line up tho. literally so fun.#thats also coincidentally when the hearing damage became apparent but thats okay#the whole thing was just insanely fun 20/10 would do again#was it crowed. yes. and everyone was so sweaty. but ive never felt more alive in my life#than being in a room full of people that fucking love vocaloid#even the two non vocaP performances i saw had voca songs in them. Everyone Fucking Loves Vocaloid. amazing#i do have vids from all of them.#obviously i have the most from magu. & i have a lot from r906#ahub played quixote & had a live singer for it so i have that recorded too.#sheeno mirin i have videos but i was in the worst spot possible so they arent very good#but i will say besides maximizer & their own songs#they did play mekakushi chord & kagerou days#& unknown mother goose which was super cool to do the ooos with the crowd during#& fragile
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Remembering that a 4 hour psychological test means 4 hours under the examiner's microscope. I hope they let me listen to music during a written test, but idk if that would defeat the purpose or not. I... really don't know what to expect tomorrow, and it's kind of making me a bit nervous. Lol.
#speculation nation#i dont like to be psychologically analyzed. god i just remembered i have therapy this week too.#which that at least. i mean it's uncomfortable but ultimately it's just talking.#psychological testing they are gonna be Watching me. there will be the questions but also they will be judging my actions#and im so used to masking but that would actually go against me in that instance.#and i really hope theyll let me listen to music bc 4 hours of silence sounds like hell on fucking earth.#but i dont know if that's. part of the process??? put me through stress to see what makes me tick???#my goal is to get an adhd diagnosis but im also scared theyre gonna pick up on the autism.#im gonna be honest. but i didnt plan to get the autism diagnosed bc i dont want the downsides of that#ya know. societal and institutional ableism. etc etc. they might take away opportunities from me.#but it goes hand in hand. and surely it couldnt be too bad if they pick up on it...#i could manage through 4 hours without music but itd be hard. and it could do bad things to my brain.#i think im preemptively prickling up. like a porcupine. i dont want them Looking at me.#i need to just... chill out. whatever comes will come. and it's ultimately in my best interests.#this is what i need to get my adhd meds. it'll be worth it.#..... but im also worried about what else might show up. i know i got Problems. but i dont want them to... know about them.#all sorts of awful invasive questions about me and my past.#for someone who acts like such an open book i really am so allergic to actual emotional vulnerability huh?#decent chance i'll just dissociate thru the whole thing. to get through it.#cut the emotions off. who needs em. the brain can factually answer things without the emotions' input.#anyways im gonna go do some chores. peace#negative/#lol.
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why is getting food safe certified such a grievous task
#i have two more modules left... and theyre like the longest ones 😭#ITS SUPPOSED TO TAKE 6.5 HOURS?????#its been like 3/4 lolol#im taking a break i cant handle that lady's voice anymore 😭#gonna go insane#only thing keeping me going is i can split screen my ipad so i can take notes too lolol#then i have to take the test... IM SICK OF THIS#but then i'll be making $16.50/hour instead of $15.25#AND my boss is gonna get me a tim horton's gift card for completing it too :3#he asked me if i liked tims or starbucks better then judged me for choosing tims as if the closest starbs isnt 49 minutes away#i meant to say 40 😭#(and the boycott)#anyway i shoykd finish it but me no no wanna :(#jesters ramblings
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i hatewhen my parents let the cat out past 9pm it's 4am and I think I just found him outside after all night.so stupid he's fucking old they can't do that
#zyz#its 4 and im so sweaty and i have work today and i need to drive my friends like 2 hours away tomorrow but i cannot spend any more money an#d i know theyre going to make me pay for all this shit whatever ill just starve and do nothing and i think i drink too much i dont feel good#imhavjng a moral thing right now.almost burst into tears taking a piss and seeing myself in thr mirror. ok.
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feeling insane about sonic and blaze. this will happen again
#THEYRE SO 💕💖💓💞💗💜💙💕💘💖💙🐱🔥🦔💖💓💘💙💜💓💖💖#sonic#talks#it takes me an hour every time i decide to reread issue 4 because i just cant turn away from them#getting to hang out!! boasting about each other and working together!!#sonic gives her subtle comfort for her fear of heights! she has complete confidence in his abilities!#hes always happy to see her!!!!!!#WAILS. i love them they are so‼️‼️‼️🐱🔥🦔💘#sonic the hedgehog#blaze the cat#fave
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#the boy update is that ive calmed down significantly and am once again a Human#i'll see him when i see him. im not gonna stress anymore#hes busy working like crazy anyway and i need to get a job NDNJDDNDNDMDM#like i still really like him but i think my priorities have been Fucked NDNDJDJDJDJDJD#BUT IM BACK ON TRACK. YA.#my other friends also back from her trip so thats exciting. i missed her JDJJDDJDDDD#i just..... its gonna take me awhile to ask to hang out. im just SHY and also I HAVENT FELT LIKE SEEING ANYONE DJDJZJSKSKSKSKSKSKS#but now im better... yeah i think i just needed like to be a hermit for a bit#plus i suddenly am super busy this week like what the fuck. family AND friend things. like did everyone just Wake Up all of a sudden NDJJD#like we may even see my cousins from alberta. im like JDJDD OK???#havent seen them in like.... im gonna say 10+ years. and of course its this week that theyre here with my uncle#who ive only met like idk 3 times JDJJDKDKKDJDJD#and of those times... hes been drunk out his mind i think... 2.5/3 NDJDJD#i think hes sober now tho????#idk. we might not even see them. my moms side is really flakey 💀#but hes my moms fav brother and shes his fave sister so i hope they get to see each other NDJDJJDJDJD theyre only a year apart#its so weird bc him and my mom were so close but then like... lets just say Life and he moved away and ya zzjjdjdkdj#they had this like. super long like 4 hour talk on the phone a few minths ago and idk i think it cleared up like the last 30 years. idk man#my moms side is crazy. thats all i'll say#personal
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Well glad to know I'm not the only one not feeling the Christmas season this year. Mom isnt either
Now we dont know why, but here are my guesses. Feel free to place your bets.
Is it:
Bc our aunt/great-aunt died and essentially dissolved the family
|_> Bc of this we've faced so much bullshit from the surviving family we have left.
Bc the only remaining family we have are major assholes aside from like 4 people.
Long covid?
Work stress/ working under a tyrant piece of shit.
Bc I'm an adult now so the *magic* is gone?
All of the above??
#marquilla#we still havent made cookies and are like i want the cookies but i dont want to make the cookies...#so we agreed we can do it after christmas if need be#i really think it's all of that combined. like my g-aunt dying really tore this family apart. we weren't like close close before but i mean#everyone started taking sides (the executors (my mom) vs my cousins. like listen you motherfuckers she left you [insert number bc i also#got this amount and am not disclosing]. you little freaks need to get over the fact that she loved me as much as if not more than you.#maybe bc i wasn't a fucking entitled brat and was always a polite well behaved child (for her) and didnt take my mommy/daddy issues out on#her. you already got: 2 free cars. 3 fully paid for weddings. 4 college degrees (one that you're not even using bc you havent worked since#college bc you became a tradwife. (not dissing stay at home moms im dissing her making college a BIG DEAL for her and then just#essentially saying haha thanks for the 100k in tuition but no ❤). COUNTLESS hours and money poured#into your lives from her and our g-uncle. amongst the 4 of you. (only 1 is not a brat but thats bc they pretend she doesnt exist bc shes#annoying and autistic so a drain on them they were ever so happy to dump on their dad)#you aren't entitled to any of that. that was a GIFT. your inheritance was well thought out. it is an insult for you to suggest otherwise#anyway so theyre being whiny brats and oh boo hoo you exects are SO MEAN to poor Ally who didnt sign the fucking will and thus held up#$50k FROM A CHURCH. and my uncle (not their dad. their moms brother) is taking their side. his wife is a massive piece of shit ab it too.#dont know whose side dog cousin is on bc shes close to my mom but very close to them. and i know lesbian cousin is on moms side to some#degree. and idgaf what Murderer cousin thinks bc that bitch can and will rot in hell.#so anyway any one we could possibly spend time with this season is either dead or hates us. or lives states away and won't be in til after#and only for a day anyway. and we just dont have the fucking energy to deal with anything
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Grabs myself by the shoulders. The reason you are here is the autism
#I cried a lot yesterday. I love you lax I love you lyft /S#But 2/5 spins for sure obviously#3/5 if we make it to the paddys pub building#4/5 if I see the game grumps walking around (unlikely)#I dont know how to work the 1973 film jesus christ superstar into it But as mary magdalene once said. Everythings alright :)#If I go to those fuckin movie rocks we could get the mr show classic jeepers creepers semi star#But I think theyre too far away. Nothing more than like 10 miles (5 hour drive)#No the airport to the hotel wasnt awful. I think we made the right decision. Not to rent a car. Though.#Oh also? I hate hot weather?#But um. Read above i guess.#This was very long In tag form..it is 6 am but 8 am in real life (the objective reality of the state of minnesota)#Monilogues#Like actual monologue length
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i'm so bored my brain is going to start chewing on itself
#i hate sitting still and i hate socializing and that has been like 85-90% of the job so far lol#and then when i get that delicious 10-15% that i'm here for im so excited i get the project done in like an hour#and its good work and theyre like thanks! but then its like now wtf do i do for the next 4 hours........#yes there will be more stuff to do closer to the fair but thats a month away and hours of nothing time until then#op
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...
#ok so like this is fine bc im not in a horrible mood rn. this is more i feel like complaining bc what im doing is kinda ridiculous#but my memory is so bad that ill probably forget if i dont write it out. but basically 4 days a week i have to come in starting at 7.30 to#water and prep for measurements. then from 9am to 6.15pm i have to nonstop take the measurements. and theyre timed so that means#i get abt 4 min to do anything before i have to take another measurement. which is abt enough time to start to focus and then have to stop#which is very fucking frustrating. and i have to manage data. coordinate for this fucking paper. and keep track of like 10 other things for#work stuff. which means that it takes me like and hour to send easy emails and they come out all fucked uo bc my brain is so shot#but on top of that i also have to fucking do the steps to get set up for my new school in the fall. and like ive officially accepted the#offer but havent talked to my new advisor since then so now theres this weird gap where im like. uh fuck do i ask for wtf im supposed to#do? bc ive been able to do things for like 2 or 3 weeks but then my life started collapsing in around me. and like there r probably#instructions somewhere but i cant fucking read lol. whatever. hes nice i just need to find the energy and words to email him and b like lol#srry everythings been insane. but bc ive waited so long i have to compulsively keep going back to check that ive been accepted like somehow#that would change while im not looking. ugh. and ive also fucked myself over housing wise bc theres a housing shortage in the city and huge#demand of housing on camus so theres a wait list for everything but i cant fucking apply bc i cant get my id to work. and fucking idk who#to call or email abt that. but idk i might have to have roomates for a semester. or my parents offered to give me some extra money for an#apartment until i can get one that doesnt put me in the red on a grad student budget. ugh. i dont wanna do either of those things#but christ do i not want roommates. ill figure something out. its just annoying and difficult from so far away#and it makes me kinda sad bc ppl r like: r u excited?! and im like. i cant really think abt that. partly bc im constanly putting out fires#in the present so theres not really space for it. partly bc i dont allow myself to b excited abt things so as not to get my hopes up.#but just after i accepted i was excited. and now it feels like im reaching my hand out toward a floating light just out of reach. like#its a nice idea but i wont believe until it happens. but that just bc ive become distorted about things#and i dont even get a weekend bc the 4 days of measurement r friday to Monday and i cant fucking relax on weekdays bc ppl r like hey can u#do this??? and there r things i can only do on weekdays so its like ok i guess ill just suffer forever thrn. and my boss texts me like: hey#did u do X? and am like: uuuuuh i fucking dont kno what day it is anymore. i dont understand y we have to meet. lets just not talk bc im#afraid ill say something worrying. so yea its pretty fucked up rn. but this stuff ends on the 24th#then ill probably not take a break and fucking finish the measurements for another project bc i just really need it to b done. i need it#all to b done so i can fucking wash my hands of this and fucking quit and move away at the start of july... or August if i decide i hate#myself that much. ugh. at least the lab has been pretty empty so no ones seen me crying lol#also thr fucking rutgers guy emailed me yesterday like: hey u want this position? and im like bitch u r like a month too late also im in#my cringe fail era. i would not survive at ur school. ugh everything is terrible. 2 or 3 more months then i csn leave this place forever#unrelated
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i hate eating with people who don't finish their food
#option 1: just let them throw away food and waste it#option 2: nag them to finish their food and look like an asshole#option 3: offer to finish it for them and look greedy#option 4: wait for them to leave their plates and quietly finish it and look like im starving#im the kind of person that HAS to finish everything#i cant leave a plate with a bite left#i cant walk away from the tv while it's on#i sip beverages for hours even when theyre flat and warm#i literally stay up when i want to go to sleep to finish a can of soda if i opened it or ill put it in the fridge for tomorrow#i wish i could take things for granted#i wish everything wasnt so scarce and sacred to me
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People (*cough* in laws *cough*) have been complaining to me about other new parents not inviting them over, and .... They are Busy, You need to contact Them
#they also live an hour away#i barely want to drive my babies 10 mins to the dr theyre not gonna drive an hour to your mouldy ass house#the only reason you came over is cause i asked you to bring your old crib youve barely texted either of us for the past 4 weeks
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every time i come home to my cats running towards the door, i am floored by how much these creatures love me
#well except for the boy cat#he runs away from me#but percy just comes up to me so sweetly and asks for some pets#and my black cat just cries as if shes complaining why i left her alone for so long#then she wouldnt leave me alone for an hour or two#who said cats arent affectionate??#theyre so sweet i love you my sweet babies#even if you wake me up at 2 am or 4 am#to sit on my face
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call me a party pooper but karaoke should be illegal past 10 pm in residential areas 🙂↕️
#mari's thoughts#its almost 3 am and i cant sleep bc my neighbors decided to turn their house into an events place#and they never seem tk warn their guests that theyre in a literal residential area?????#so they always end up singing and keeping people up till 4 am#god i cant wait to move away from this place#just a rant im sorry waaa#jus so so frustrated bc im sleepy and i have work in like 6 hours
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I need to be CAKE's top listener. I need it. But i only listen to music like 5 hours a day. Even if its all CAKE im still fucked.
#can u belive my comute is such a way that its only like an hour of travel each way#but i have to factor in just WAITING for over an hour each way on top of it. insane.#me op#i dunno if i can handle tomorow. i could handle going in#but going in and being there ALL DAY AND THEN waiting and waiting to come home and then and then#i really am a bitch. people in this world have full time jobs. and i cant travel to go draw pictures bc train 2 dirty 🥺#KILL YOURSELF.#also i was so fucking cold all day. like. the kind where ive been in the house for 4 hours and Im still cold.#like into my ribs into my organs cold. how.#whatever. we continue.#i dont wanna do it. i wanna stay at home amd play video game. bc im a wuss#dude its so dirty. its even like. i could go in on wednesday. id AANT to even. i know that. so i should go tomorow so i can#like apreciate it. but train dirty and hands dirty and people dirty and dirty dirty dirty#im so sick of it. im so sick of it. ash is on new meds. i cant take meds bc the OCD says theyre evil#but then the evil is UGHH. AND I CANT EVEN SYA THAT BC THE OCD IS RIGHT#IM NOT ALLOWED TO FUCKING DISSAGREE GRRR BARK BARK#I WISH I WAS COW I WISH I COULD KICK AND BITE LIKE AN ANIMAL I WISH I LIVED IN THE BEFORE TIMES AND JUST BECAME A MURFER INSTEAD#FUCKKKK#kinda got away from ther original post there. oops.
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