#things i didnt realize id have to deal with getting a dog with lots of white lol

[healingheartdogs]

Her tail is my favorite thing about her rn

[nonhumanwithin]

hi! im not exactly sure what i am (i think i would best be described as something like a demon and an animal), and i was wondering if you had any advice regarding managing a prey drive.

if it isnt clear by that first thing, im still figuring things out about myself and piecing things together. i do not have any past memories, but i have thoughts, needs, and occasional phantom sensations that i believe relate to my identity.

one thing ive come to realize is that im 99% sure ive had a prey drive since childhood. i used to manage it by chasing animals, but now that im older (…and larger and living somewhere else), that’s no longer an option for me. it’s also worth nothing that my prey drive became less intense for many years and has “come back” somewhat recently, so i didnt have to do much in the time between then and now.

i try to get my energy out by playing animal games online or playing with my dogs, but it just doesn’t feel the same and i get bored quick. im also worried that i may come to see my friends as prey and hurt them. this is obviously something i would prefer to avoid, but i know my emotions and urges have gotten the better of me these days. im VERY lucky my partner likes this kind of thing, otherwise id have next to no outlet whatsoever.

so my question is: what can i do to safely satisfy my urges and get rid of excess energy in regards to my prey drive? a list of activities, games, or general advice would help. thank you :)

Hey! I don't have a lot of experience with coping with prey drive personally but I'll do my best to help, maybe others who see this post can also leave some suggestions! :) I will say that if you are having intrusive thoughts about prey drive, I want to remind you that it is not your fault and you will not act on it. Dealing with intrusive thoughts can be tricky because you don't want to create a compulsive reaction to "get rid of it" because this can lead to OCD or OCD-like symptoms. It's important to desensitize yourself to your intrusive thoughts and not give them power over you. I saw a post about it somewhere, possibly on twitter but I wouldn't be able to find it again so hopefully someone else has some more specific advice!

A helpful question to ask yourself is what about your prey drive specifically is the thing that gives you urges the most? Like, do you most have the urge to chase things, or is it more the hunting part, like sinking your teeth into something or pouncing, etc? Think about the specific action that would satisfy you the most and try to recreate that somehow, like in a video game or by watching movies or finding a food that you can tear into in the way you like, etc.

Or if it's more an understimulated/overly energetic thing you could try exercising. Not just typical stuff like lifting weights or doing situps but maybe try some type of sport or something like jumprope, swimming, hiking, etc. Playing a sport that satisfies those prey drive urges such as chasing other people would be a great idea! I find that even just throwing a tennis ball at the wall and catching it can sort of replicate that feeling of "catching animal/thing" for me personally.

Another suggestion I have is to use creativity as an outlet. Draw, write a story or poem or song, whatever you want. It doesn't even have to be good at all and you don't have to share it with anyone!

That's all I've got but I hope this helps at least a little :)

[gaydogmarriage]

cyno sq2 messy thoughts

cyno quest 2 was pretty alright. its got the usual genshin jank writing disease but for what it was i enjoyed it. felt pretty crammed into a shorter story than it should have been tho. theres still a lot of gaps that remain unexplored and the exposition was dumped so fast... sadly most of the parts id like to see explored more revolve around cyrus so tough shit there, i doubt he's appearing again. unless something happens off screen and cyno tells us about it we're pretty much left to speculate on things like cyrus's motives and any talks they may have about this new revelation of cyno's past. which isnt a bad thing, its just a little frustrating just how much that was put aside in the quest

im really curious about what cyrus's thoughts and feelings that led to the decisions he made were, how much cyno feels he needs to know, how much cyrus is willing to tell.. hes one mysterious bastard

its worth noting that cyno refers to his spirit indwelling as the result of a deal he made willingly, despite him being a small child when it happened, definitely not fit to be making thise kinds of decisions. i already thought that was something to pick apart before, but now with this quest it gets so much more curious. his memory of that time is so hazy he didnt even remember the temple of silence and the other kid who went through the same thing he did. he was sold by his parents for the sole purpose of being a vessel which i doubt was something a small kid would just volunteer for, and then he had the fragment implanted into him. yet even as he's standing tgere in the temple, he refers to it as a deal he made willingly. he says it like its the only thing he knows and remembers about it. is it something he tells himself? is that how he copes, by retroactively trying to grant himself agency in a situation out of his childhood self's control? when he calls it a deal, is he referring to the people who put the spirit in him, or does he consider it a deal with the spirit itself? theres just so much to dissect here

and furthermore, cyno seems to completely forgive cyrus for the role he played in this. it really recontextualizes their whole familial relationship. we know how lowly cyno thinks of scholars who pull stunts like this, toying with life and death and god knows what else. he personally participated in putting a stop to the artificial god experiment, which reflects his own past more than he even realized at the time. yet he seems to barely even feel conflicted when it comes to cyrus. maybe he's just matured and become content with his life beyond the point of that truly shaking him up, but he should still have some issue with it on principle. but he's also known cyrus for seemingly all of his life that he remembers, and ultimately he did put a stop to it and get him out of there, and then proceed to keep him safe from the akademiya treating him the same. as a test subject, not his own person. he knows cyrus is no longer willing to be complicit in something like that, so he has no concerns. i don't know. there's just so much

on a completely unrelated note... tighnarians, huh? im still not completely clear on whether valuka shuna and tighnarian are synonyms, or whether one is an umbrella term including the other or what. the implication seems to be that the headdress cyno wears seems to actually be based on fox folk, rather than a jackal or a wolf? which... doesn't really make sense. technically it's never been mentioned in actual dialogue or lore as being either, but it still doesnt quite sit right. hermanubis already seemingly wore the headdress, but he was a tighnarian himself? meaning he had fox traits? but the helmet does not look foxlike? are all tighnarians foxlike? are there some that were of other canine nature? im so confused. what does this mean for my dog coding enjoyment. i need to refresh my lore knowledge

and. hm. that 4ggravate friendship and cynari huh. i rly dont like how hard hoyo seems to be trying to retcon their backstories to instead pretend theyve always been besties. we could have gotten a bit of elaboration on how it was for them when they actually met, with tighnari as student and cyno already as mahamatra investigating him, but the quest dialogue acts like they were just classmates. if the implication was meant to be that cyno was both mahamatra and student at the same time, thats fucking stupid and im ignoring it. the cnnri in this quest was both incredible and a disaster for the fanon

oh and i like sethos. hes got a lot going on

and i like how cyno's maturity is portrayed in this quest, while still showing his shortcomings. we've had a lot of silly cyno since the archon and first story quests, and im really glad to see the serious mature side of him in a story thats more about him personally. and when he stands there right next to sethos you can really see how much he has his shit together in comparison, through his own efforts and the support of his loved ones. go go cyno we love that for you cyno

anyway quest gave me fun ingredience for my hc's and interpretations, but also Problems to solve. welp, the genshin giveth and it taketh away, thats just how it is

[tsukidotcom]

Haikyuu HC to COVID-19 (Karasuno edition)

This is horrible 💀 im just so bored so I made whatever this mess is KFJSJDMSK enjoy

Hinata Shouyou

huh? isn’t it just the flu?

“No, hinata. People have died from it-“

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH-

goes bananas

whenever someone sneezes or coughs, his soul leaves his body as he runs away to sanitize/wash his hands for a miserably long time.

eats an expired can of peaches thinking it’s his last resort

lowkey happy school is closed because homework sucks

but also highkey hates it because now all volleyball tournaments are closed

then gets all angry when he realizes he’d have to do online school???!!?? like wtf he got jipped.

thinks they could still do volleyball if they did online calls cus if the school can do it,, then vOLLEYBALL CAN

will probably miss half of the class calls from oversleeping/forgetting anyway.

sheepishly ask yamaguchi, yachi or tsukishima for help on assignments/notes. (he will NEVA ask kageyama. he’s always in competition with him here!)

still practices volleyball 24/7 in his backyard or room (maybe even with his baby sister??)

He’s really good at practicing all by himself from practicing all alone in middle school—

but will probably go crazy being alone all the time with his family. he just wants to play volleyball with the team again.

looks up “what to do when you’re bored” or “what to do at home while in quarantine” on youtube

Kageyama Tobio

probably says he’s immune to the corona because he’s just better than everyone else

doesn’t really think it’s real until school shut down because of it

When he sees that corona is airborne he wont know what that means so he’d probably think it’s produced by air itself?? which makes him think air is trying to kill the human race?? and will be so confused as to why it decided to pop up now???

DESPISES online school. He had enough trouble understanding it from the gecko, so now he has to learn it basically all by hiMSELF?!?

And no way is he just gona email the teacher for help. If he does it’s gonna be only once in his lifetime. Anymore than that he thinks he’s doin too much. He doesn’t want his teachers thinking he’s dumb 😭

he says literally nothing during the calls he just tries to pay attention? and fails because he’s on a computer. in his room. alone. he’s bound to daze off or stare at a pen for 5 minutes.

Obvi still practices volleyball. Very much misses it. At least Hinata had his sibling to practice with him. tobio is a lone wolf in his household.

When his mom goes out to get groceries he gives her one of those doctor masks so she doesn’t catch corona.

Few moments later through the internet he realizes that corona is smaller than air molecules so if you can breathe through something you could still get it so he struggles for an hour thinking he just killed his mother

When his mom is back he keeps his distance in case she’s carrying the plague

omg did she just cough or am i imagining things no she definitely coughed she has corona oh oh god

In reality she was just clearing her throat.

is lowkey worrying about everyone and how they are 🥺 (yes, maybe even hinata).

thinks he’s science smart by calling it covid-19 than corona.

Asahi Azumane

He just worries about everyones health

like he just imagines the worst case scenario’s and starts to get really worried if people got it. Always checks on everyone and asks if they’re feeling any symptoms of corona ❤️

He’s either not gonna get it or he gets it and dies there’s no inbetween

but he’s jesus himself so theres no way he nor anyone in his bloodline can get it

is very happy to know that dogs can’t get it.

Takes online school seriously and tries his best

And is honestly so sad school just ended??? even if it’s temporary, he could be learning, playing volleyball, and going about his day instead of staying in a cage. he’s a third year so—how would graduation even go..?

always is up to date on the news !! and notifies everyone if anything important is added/changed.

Always tells everyone to stay safe! Whether through text or before ending a call.

only buys a lot of toilet paper from the fear of there being no toilet paper in stock since evERYONE IS BUYING IT-

Starts to try new hobbies that he put off for the longest time cus quarentine is rlly getting to him.

Is all out a family guy so he doesn’t mind the extra time with his family.

Nishinoya Yu

OAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOA

420 blazin’

thinks going outside means you’re instantly gonna die from corona attacking your white blood cells (????)

but also probably doesnt care as he goes outside like everyday to run around and get rid of energy (and to practice volleyball, of course).

also why is it called white blood cells when blood is red ☠️ smh

Buys 101611018320129 bags of chips because that’s his comfort food

yay more gaming time!!!

Noya🐒: Tanaka do u wana play minecraft 2getr latr?

Tanaka🍌: HELL YEAH!!

doesn’t shower for three days straight because screw personal hygiene!! No more school!!! Can do whatever he wanted!! It’s basically summer!!!

until he’s forced to do online school.

Is def the class clown. Probably somehow kicks the teacher out of the call through a little bit of hacking.

“alright guys so i’ll be you’re substitute teacher for the day-“

tbh acts the same as he would in school. maybe a little more rebellious because, i mean, what is the teacher gonna do? send him to DETENTION? call his mOMMY?

Calls/spams literally everyone in his contacts because he’s so bored and lonely. Answer him!! Y’all will be on facetime for hours!!

He’s fun to facetime.

Will call you a loser if you don’t have an apple iPhone because then he can’t facetime you and facetiming is one of his favorite things to do to pass time (besides gaming)

HE A TRUE GAMER

Okay but he lowkey still tries at school for the sake of his grades and his future ;-; maybe calls asahi or sugawara for help??

always looks up his homework on the internet to see if he can get an answer key or something (he did that anyway even before corona but)

will do one subject for 3 hours thinking he’s finally done with everythinf till he realizes he has like 4 other subjects and needs to do those too.

Sending memes all the time

Tsukishima Kei

oh, what about corona again?

honestly could give NO fucks??. like ABSOLUTELY ZERO. nonxistent.

doesn’t even remember it’s still happening half the time.

is surprisingly very knowledgeable about corona.

he’s just smart and sciency¿ so he understands the ins and outs of corona like how it works and how its spread.

so if you tRULY want any update or background info on the corona virius, ask Tsukishima.

bitch don’t touch me you have rabies.

doesn’t care that he’s obligated to stay at home because he would have stayed either way. he very much likes being alone.

might go a little crazy cooped up in his room so he’ll hang with his brother/family or go outside before he says ‘okay that’s enough’ and goes back to his room.

isolation? oh okay *puts on headphones*

he rlly gonna be rocking it out in his room cus he can listen to music all day any day

developes a really bad sleep schedule since he had no way to get rid of the energy he got rid of at school.

still a huge tease so he says everyone has the corona virius.

is never online on social media which means he’s never up to date with his frIENDS. Doesn’t have a clue what those dipshits are doing and could care less (besides yamaguchi,, they probably facetime or call thru skype or something).

I bet the whole volleyball squad has a groupchat and honestly he puts all notifs on mute cus his phone keep goin DING DING DING DI DING ID DID IDKNG DING DIG

Brother: Omg why are you getting so many text messages?

Tsukki: Shut up

if he is online on the gc and he texts it would be simple replies like “Hi” “Okay.” “No.” “Goodbye.” and then he’s gone for another week

every first year is begging on their knees for tsukishima to give the answers or help them out and he obviously says: go do the hw yourselves idiots

besides yamaguchi!!!! again!! cus theyre gay for each other

maybe practices once in awhile with his brother or alone in his backyard but he doesn’t care

Tanaka Ryuunosuke

buys 101817 pounds of toilet paper because everyone else is? but not because of the same reason as asahi. he thinks toilet paper is the cure to corona.

GO STUPID AAAAAAAAA GO CRAZY AAAAAAAAAAA-

probably has a part time job at a grocery store so he still has to go to work 😭 i dont even know how he could have a job in the first place he’s probably always late-

still gamin with noya of course

GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY ROOM IM PLAYING MINECRAFTT

also buys like all the junk food thats in stock. and since he works at the grocery store he gets a ton of coupons and deals.

texts Kiyoko everyday goodmorning ❤️❤️❤️ and goodnight 😘😘 texts just to be left on read.

“i love it when she ignores me !!!”

scrolls through tiktoks for 1000 hours to pass time

School Is For Losers!!

similar to noya, he thought it was basicaly summer until he realized they were gonna be doing online school. literally had a fit and said he didnt wanna do jack squAt

Laughs so hard when nishinoya somehow kicks the teacher out of the call he’s like laughing so loud and hard he starts crying

all of the sudden has a better view on school

gets excited when he sees nishinoya on the call

makes funny and ugly ass faces when the teacher isn’t looking. everyone laughs and the teacher’s like 🤨

probably uses the green screen effect so he can change hus background (somehow) and accidentally misclicks a file so a girl wit a bikini becomes his background for .5 seconds before changing it to a cursed meme:

doesn’t get half the shit the teacher is talking about

but it’s okay because the half he doesn’t get is the other half noya gets

and the half noya doesnt get is the orher half tanaka gets

they’re two peas in a pod 🥰

until they try explaining it to each other and suddenly get confused?? mental malfunction ¿?

yeah im SMART!!!

s -

m -

a -

r - penis

t -

Daichi Sawamura

quite calm about the whole coronavirus

like he knows it is serious and understands how it is spread but he’s still calm about it??

tells everyone to sanitize and wash hands on a regular. and social distancing!!

honestly still wakes up like he does on normal school days and does all his academics just fine.

he even does gym activities (besides volleyball) for 30 minutes to an hour!!!! he be running on that treadmil! getting stronk!

does each subject on his own for 20-40 min each day. he’s really good at self discipline

makes sure sugawara and asahi are up to date on school work and will gladly help.

sadly can’t help the first years (and probably second years) because that info is deep in his brain and basically forgot how to do it after a year or two of not using it.

VERY VERY VERY sad that volleyball nationals are cut off. this is his last year and for it to be??? gone??? just because of some flu?!?! hates it.

he wishes school to go back and still has hope that school will go back to normal in a couple of weeks (even though it’s a slim chance).

asks the teacher questions whenever he has questions. He’s also vv considerate so he’ll ask questions he knows the answer to but asks them for anyone who’s confused ab it/wants to ask but is too shy. (literally i lov daichi sm)

Eats a healthy amount of everything

asks asahi for any updates on corona even though he’s quite up to date himself. he just wanna make sure he didn’t miss anything.

also doesn’t mind being around his family. he’ll do more chores around the house to help his parents out :> he’s literally perfect wtf

def does worry about everyone in the volleyball gc and anyone else he has contact with. Will also email classmates and ask if they’re doing all right. Even away from volleyball he’s a team player ☺️✌️

Is happy for the rest of the day when asahi tells him dogs can’t get corona.

Yamaguchi Tadashi

oaoaiquqhdkoaiaagadjsiwi?

doesn’t know what to believe anymore

keeps in touch with everyone!! always online 24/7 on social media, vball gc, you name it.

Literally everyone is acting so normal why are people so calm am i the only one worrying about this and the worlds future like this year has been really bad so far for not just me but the whole nation actually the entire world honestly like war almost broke out in january and now this corona stuff is really buttering my crissont the wrong way-

Even though tsukishima literally gives No Fucks, yamaguchi is the complete opposite.

like tsukki and yamaguchi call on skype and eVERY TIME yamaguchi starts with ‘how have you been? do you feel sick at all? have you drank enough water today?’ and so on

“What are you even worrying about?”

“Well...what if you get the corona virius?... it can be deadly, you know!! Thousands of people have died from it!!! The fact school is shutting down and people are panicking is making me feel like i should be panicking-“

Tsukki will then snarkily reassure him it’s fine and people their age are the least likely to get it bad.

Yamaguchi will feel a little better afterwords

“Thank you, Tsukki!”

Tsukki will ‘tch’ it off

Even though he gets really good grades he has triuble finding motivation to do any school work?? doing school work in his own home? 😐

His home was kinda a place he can chill whereas school is a place he can be fully focused

but now his home is ALSO school??!!?

Luckily he understands the work, at least.

When he sees tsukishima on the call, too, he instantly says hello.

“Tsukki!! Hey!! 😁”

“Shut up.”

“Gomen, Tsukki.”

Yeah. Even when they aren’t at school, he’s still the same as always.

He takes extra care of his family and always stays in touch with other relatives. Especially grandpa and grandma. THE SECOND he learned elderly people are at more risk you bet your ass he’s calling them making sure they’re okay. He checks up on them everyday now.

He peobably practices volleyball a little, too. He’s more focused on schoolwork though.

Sugawara Koushi

Have you guys ate dinner yet? 🥺

obviously checking up on everyone

he would fail as a mother if he didn’t.

Actually reads in his free time?? He finally has time on his hands to read these books so.... here we are!

Wakes up at a scheduled time everyday (minus weekends. Maybe sleeps for an extra hour or so).

He dresses in pjs rather than actual clothes because he’s not going anywhere with this social distancing thing.

Always tries to lighten the mood when all the students are on the online call. Maybe crack some joke or innocently play around with the effects.

He still pays close attention in class and does quite well on his own. No help from his parents! He can do everything on his own! He a big boi!

Does homework really well, too. Probably does extra work or more work than needed just because it makes him feel good afterwords.

Honestly i can see him cooking in his free time. If he doesnt feel like reading or scrolling mindlessly through his phone, he gonna cook.

Will make the best cookies in the universe.

HAS A HECK OF A SWEET TOOTH. NOT A DAY GOES BY WITHOUT HIM GETTING HIS PRETTY HANDS ON SUM TREAT

Honestly isn’t too good with exercise so he might gain a few pounds or grow the smallest chub 🥺🥺🥺 he would be so cute omfg.

is realy involved with his family!! they play a board/card game every friday night and have the best time.

if he has a dog, cat, or literally any animal you know he’s gona be hanging with them since he has more time.

Still! Playing! Volleyball! I mean by now every boy is practicing at least a little bit. He would probably be in his backyard playing volleyball with his family. Theyy’d set up a net and everythin! They’re all rookies at it but he still cherishes the moments with them.

It’s honestly still practice. Better than nothing

He talks about how his family plays volleyball and everyone is so jealous like 😭😭 makes him more grateful hearing half the volleyball team saying they have to practice alone.

Watching youtube videos of random videos/vines making him giggling.

“Hey, Dachi, look at this video.”

IS A SWEETHEART STFU !!!

[thehonestmommy]

My Birth Story (Baby #2) - Part 1

2020 brought and withheld a lot of things for everyone across the globe. But for us, quarantined to our home, it brought new life. And as the year winds down, I’m ready to reflect upon the biggest event of the year, Welcoming Galen Angus O’Neill to the world. 

On the morning of September 3rd, I was 4 days overdue and feeing impatient for the arrival of our new baby. I woke around 4 am, and could feel some gentle cramps in my belly. This was not new. Throughout the pregnancy I was fooled over and over again by prodromal labour which I had been enduring for months. I even experienced gallstones during the beginning of my 2nd trimester, so I was no stranger to pains and pangs that lead nowhere. 

I did my best to get back to sleep but to no avail. I laid awake and tried not to pay attention to the feelings. Unable to get back to sleep, I listened to some hypnobirthing meditations for about an hour and a half (which I did often in the early mornings/late nights) and although I didn’t sleep again, I rested and relaxed and practiced my mindful isometric breathing.

At about 5:30 I couldn’t shake the feeling that this was the real deal. The pains were not different, but my instinct told me this was it. The slow start to the big show. I shook Ryan awake and said “I think this is it!” to witch he responded “oh..yeah? okay” dismissing what he thought was another false alarm.  But I didn’t feel any doubt this time.

He got up and got ready for work, and reminded me to call him if things get real and he will come home. Our morning went on as usual.

I got up, got myself and my son Lauchlan dressed and took him to daycare. Admittedly, I don’t remember doing this, perhaps because I was distracted, or maybe because I didnt yet realize what was happening during an otherwise normal and mundane morning routine. Whatever the case, I dont remember taking him there….but he spent the day at daycare.

When I returned home I attempted to sleep but again wasn’t able to. Excitement was keeping me awake and alert. I knew rest of any kind was important, made myself breakfast and lounged in bed with the dog (who stayed close with me), while I watched a few movies. A completely chill morning,  but as the morning went on, my cramps were becoming regular, and more noticeable. I began timing them, and although the timing was a little off, I knew this was it. It’s go time!

At 9:00 I texted Ryan:

“Umm….Soon. Contractions are closer together now, about 6-8 mins apart but they are short, only 30 seconds and I can still talk and walk through them.”

He decided to come home as soon as he could, with a brief stop to get get me some gatorade and grapes (both staples in my last birth). 

At 9:30 I texted my Doula to let her know I was quite certain I was in early labour. Of all my birth team, I wanted to call upon her first since she would come to help keep me comfortable if I requested it no mater what stage of labour I was in (Midwives typically wait till signs of active labour). I knew I didn’t need her quite yet so she asked me to keep her posted in case the intensity picks up. 

At 10:30, I paged my midwife: 

Good morning!

I m officially in (at least early) labour. I ve been having surges since 4:15am, and they are getting more intense but are a bit irregular. Most are 40 seconds to a minute long, but are anywhere from 5-9 minutes apart. It’s getting close! (My water did not break and I have no blood or mucus show)

My midwife had a team meeting at noon, so said she could be there by 1pm. That sounded perfect to me, so I laid back down, snacked, sipped water and watched some of my favourite funny moves to help keep my mind distracted; Anchorman (twice!) Step Brothers and Talledaga Nights. (Special shoutout to Will Farrell and John C. Reilly for attending my birth as humour doulas. You boys keep it real)  In the meantime I chatted with my bestie Andrea who agreed to come over and take some photos. Her plan was to come by at 2pm.  Intermittently I listened to some of my hypnobirthing tracks and walked around the house to help gauge how I was feeling. I was still doing okay. 100% comfortable between surges, and still able to talk during them. I used my home-made mala during my surges to remind myself to breathe and relax my face and shoulders (where I hold most of my tension).

Ryan arrived home and got me some grapes and water, making sure I ate and stayed hydrated. He laid next to me and held my hand while the surges came, and reminded me how strong I am, and that we were soon going to meet our newest baby! I was glad to have him at my side, keeping me calm, comfortable, focused, fed and hydrated.

Andrea arrived shortly after and began photographing the goings-on as I laboured in my room. She kept me company and sat on the bed and observed what my contractions looked like while I was cuddled in my bed in my nest of pillows. I was at this time, doing my best to stop talking, turn inward, and breathe slowly as deeply while in a surge, as they were becoming longer and stronger. They would come mid-conversation with Andrea, and I would pause, breathe, and then continue the conversation. I knew trying to talk through them was still possible, but wouldn’t be as beneficial as breathing. 

Soon, My Midwife arrived and confirmed I was absolutely in early labour.  At 2:15 I consented to a cervical check. I was 4cm and 50% effaced, my heart rate and blood pressure were normal, and fetal movement was normal. All green checkmarks. I felt very positive about my progress, and confident that things were progressing well and safely.

As my surges continued to gain strength, I began moving around. Laying in bed was just not feeling right any longer. I followed my instincts and shifted from the bed to the floor. My midwifes assistant offered to squeeze my hips during surges to help relieve them, and it was helping so much. During a surge I leaned on her, I leaned on Ryan, and relaxed on a yoga ball in between. No position was better than the other but changing it up helped keep it fresh. 

Sadly, around this time I heard from my Doula that she was not able to make it. She was attending another birth that was not going well and that mom needed extra support.  I felt like things were going very smoothly for us, so although I was let down, it didn’t send me into a panic. Thankfully she had a backup that was available to attend. Id never met her before, but if my doula recommended her, then I trust that she’s excellent! So she was dispatched to our house.

at 4pm I VERY suddenly began to feel nauseous. Last time that meant I was in transition and the baby was about to come, but i was sure that couldn’t be happening already. My midwife took it as a cue, and offered another cervical check which I would have declined if it weren’t for the nausea. I wanted to know so I consented and found that I was 6cm and 100% effaced.  It was time to get in the birth pool! Ryan realized time was getting close so he stepped out to pick up Lauchlan from Daycare. 

We made our way downstairs and my secondary doula Victoria arrived and introduced herself. She helped me into the pool at 4:30. The water was hot hot hot and so relaxing! I could do nothing but smile as I eased into the water. I could feel all my muscles let go, and like magic my labour picked up. In the first few moments in the pool, observed my surroundings and was filled with an overwhelming joy. I was surrounding by a caring team; my midwives and doula, one of my best friends and my husband and son (who were still on their way back from daycare), safely in my home and during a pandemic no less, when I would otherwise be birthing alone in a hospital. I was so thankful to be experiencing a smooth birth, in the comfort of my own home. The oxytocin wave washed over me, I very soon needed breathing coaching during my surges. They were becoming powerful enough that I needed to make a low guttural hum to stop myself from gasping. I was entering into the primal stage of birth.

Ryan arrived back home with Lauchlan. I wondered what his response would be like, but he was completely adorable and kept me smiling. He didn’t seem phased at all by what was going on. In fact, he was a sweet help; he fed me water and grapes, and gave me kisses over the side of the pool. He was not too pleased however, that he was not allowed to get in it the birth pool with me, but it didn’t stop him from sticking around for the whole show in innocent presence. 

At 5:00 I felt like I needed to pee. Of course, I was in the birth pool. My birth team suggested that if i wanted to stay in the pool I could just pee in there since urine is sterile, but I was 100% not into that! Lord knows how much longer I would be in that water, and the thought just grossed me out. So they helped me out of the tub and I waddled my way through my living room towards the bathroom. I noted to myself how thankful I was that I collected about 20 old towels as I tracked water through my living room (this, by the way, was the only ‘mess’ from the whole birth!) Right at the bathroom door another surge hit and it nearly knocked me off my feet. Thankfully Ryan was there to support me. As soon as it ended, it was like it never happened and I took a moment in the washroom and then quickly went back to the pool. 

Once I was back in the pool, I felt incredibly hot and nauseous. Thankfully I did not throw up (I am emetophobic) but this time I knew that wave of nausea meant I was in transition. My surges were less than a minute apart. I complained of the water being too hot a few times, and we realized it actually was! Ryan began adding cold water to the tub and a cold cloth to my head, neck and back to help cool me down. Things picked up. Ryan started my birth playlist and I found focus again with the music. My doula coached me through the surges and told me I should stop doing the low guttural sounds because I was going to risk losing my voice. She said yell if I need to! It’s time to get primal! During my surges I leaned my forearms and shoulders on the edge of the pool and grasped her index fingers like handle bars.  I felt like I couldn’t go on, like I would perish if I had to endure any more…. And I knew this meant a miracle was about to happen. I knew I could do it and could keep going, bit the feeling of it becoming too much was so strong. I tried to not say it but the words slipped out “I can’t, I can’t do this” and everyone…Ryan my midwives, my doula, my best friend all let out a chorus of “Yes you can. You already are!”  I nodded and kept on.

My next surge at approximately 5:30 my water broke (in the pool). The pressure of it breaking was so strong that It felt like a gunshot in the water. It was so strong that I actually thought for a minute that it was the baby! I was so glad it happened, because I knew it meant the baby was very close. Vitals showed we were both doing well, but there was one issue: meconium in the water. When the water broke, meconium came with it which can be a danger to the baby’s breathing.  My midwife leaned in close and looked me in the eye and said “Sarah, there’s meconium in the water. If you want to have this baby at home, we have to do it now. It’s time to push.”

Pushing was not part of my birth plan. I wanted to let the FER (fetal ejection reflex) take over. But hearing that my home birth was at risk of coming to an end and transferring to a hospital pushed me into a new zone of strength. With the next surge, I pushed as hard as I could. And when it was finished I knew I could do better. The following surge I pushed harder and longer and it brought the babies head down. But something felt wrong… I felt like I was being ripped in half and my hips were being violently pulled apart.  At that moment I flashed back to Lauchlans birth, and how pushing felt so relieving, and I never once felt like it was ‘too much.’ This was different… Like he was coming out sideways. But before my midwife could even check to see what was happening, another surge came and I gave every inch of my life in that final push, and the baby arrived! 5:43 pm September 3rd, 2020. Our quarantine baby, born at home. 

I reached down and lifted my baby out of the water and held my wiggling squishy new baby to my chest. The baby was warm and soft and so alert. The midwives immediately began attending to the baby to make sure all was well, and it was. I leaned the baby back on my forearms and gazed at this beautiful creature.  I observed the baby head to toe, and was taken with how beautiful this child was. And this time (unlike last time) I remembered to check and see what gender we had. It was a boy! I announced it to the room with a slightly disheartened tone because I was SURE it was going to be a girl. I was shocked that my intuition mislead me so much, but I chuckled thinking that ‘Sarah and the boys’ has always been my way of life. Being a boy-mom is my calling. 

I leaned back in the pool and snuggled my new bundle of joy. I spoke gently to him, “hello baby, welcome to the world! I love you already” Ryan asked me “What is his name?” “I’m not sure” I said. We hadn’t decided which of our chosen boy’s names to use. “Alec, or Galen?” I asked “I’m completely okay with both.” “Galen” Ryan said. “Galen Angus O’Neill.”

After some bonding time in the pool, the midwives cut his cord and handed Galen to Ryan for some skin-to-skin snuggles. They helped me out of the water and on to the couch where my vitals were taken and my midwives reminded me that we needed to deliver the placenta (oh, right! it’s not over!)  I relaxed and observed Ryan with our second son in his arms for the first time. He snuggled him and remarked that his mouth was open and looking for food! Once the placenta was delivered and I was stitched from a very mild 1st degree tear, he placed our boy back on my chest where he latched and nursed without any struggle at all. It was perfect. He was perfect. 

After some time with me, he was laid on some blankets on our coffee table and his APGAR test began. Amusing to likely only us, Ryan asked “does he have a bum hole?” and thankfully he did, and pooped right away to prove it!  He passed everything on the test… a healthy boy! We were ultimately blessed. 

We each made guesses at his weight and were shocked to find he was a whopping 9 pounds! Much bigger than I expected!

The rest of my evening was mostly a blur of happy comments and realizing how short my active labour had been… just 1.5 hours! Incredible! the entire labour was about 13.5 hours, roughly the same as my previous labour with Lauchlan (but the active stage was WAY faster with Galen!)

My doula had fed me toasted english muffins and gatorade while I lounged with the baby. Shortly after she helped me upstairs to shower, and tucked me in bed with the baby. I remarked again how incredible home birthing can be, and how lucky I was to do it.

Andrea’s husband Nate came to pick her up and popped in to say hello and congratulations, and brought me a hamburger which I straight up devoured! The midwives took care of cleaning up and put our linens in the laundry while Ryan emptied the pool. Our house swiftly went back to normal and it was as if nothing happened. The only evidence was the new life in my arms.  So strange that the miracle of life had happened in my living room just hours before. 

Even though I would consider this a successful and beautiful birth, it still took me some time to process it. I Think it’s normal to need to put some distance between you and an even so life altering in oder to see it clearly. I can say now, 3.5 months later, that it was a wholly positive birth experience and I am overjoyed that I was able to successfully birth at home. I would do it again in a heartbeat (although I don’t plan on it!!) and I can’t think of anything that I would change. I am so grateful that this happened for us, especially knowing that not everyone is this lucky. A true blessing of an uneventful birth.

Home births, when safe, are such a gift to the whole family. After the birth I was able to enjoy my baby without him being whisked away for test or baths. My husband and son and friend were able to be by my side to witness the miracle. I was able to labour in comfort, privacy, and with dignity and autonomy, able to make decisions that fit my needs. I was able to shower in my own bathroom, sleep in my own bed, and maintain my chosen level of privacy. I ate my own chosen foods, Wear my comfiest PJs. I was in complete control of the environment. and best of all, I was able to snuggle with my baby and toddler to my hearts content, with no one to interrupt me.

The following week was much of the same. Lounging at home in comfort with intermittent home-visits from the midwives to check on our progress. But one week in, our little paradise got turned upside down and we headed off to CHEO once again. But that is a story for part 2.

Special thanks to Andrea for photographing and witnessing the birth of our baby boy. You did a beautiful job and i’m so glad I got to share the experience with you! xo

[chasethesun18]

this is just a long ass meta about why i love clarke griffin that no one probably cares to read. but it’s hiatus and we’re literally all stuck at home soooooo.....

when i first started watching the 100 i didn’t truly fall in love with any character. i was too busy crying through literally every episode and trying to deal with my own emotions because holy shit this show is dark. especially s1-2. s3-6 seem less dark and depressing in my opinion; but that could be because i was in a dark and depressing space when i watched s1 and 2 last year and in a better space watching 3-6 this year. but anyway. i went into the show expecting (from tumblr) to be a bellamy blake stan and to like clarke, but not like her a lot of the time. this wouldn’t surprise me because its actually how i am with most ships. i almost always love the guy more than the girl and i’ve never really found a female character that i felt super bonded to. 

boy was i wrong.

i went into s3 really apathetic about characters themselves (but rooting for bellarke) and i came out of s3 the biggest clarke stan ever. i was prepared to be annoyed with her due to things id seen on tumblr but in my mind she never did anything wrong (side note: bellamy, on the other hand reallyyyyy tested my patience. and has periodically continued to do so. clarke can still do no wrong). 

but even coming out of s3 i couldn’t really pinpoint why i started to love her so much. and why i felt so deeply connected to her all of a sudden. it still wasnt until 4x08 (when she injects herself with night blood) that i realized what it was while i was messaging amalia with all my thoughts as i watched. ( i scrolled way back to find this @amazalina ) i said:

“abbys just gonna let her daughter bear it okAY 

abby why

clarke is the mom in this relationship 

my strong baby can someone be STRONG FOR HER PLEASE”

and then it hit me. the reason i connected with clarke so strongly, over any character in any show i’ve ever watched (which is a lot) is because the most real and frustrating part of my life is the same as clarke’s. she has to be strong for everyone else, and no one is strong for her. she needs a clarke in her life. someone to be for her who she is for everyone else. she gives and gives and gives and no one ever gives back. it took me a long time to realize in my own life that i did this exact same thing. the person who actually comes the closest for me is my mom but a lot of times im the mom in the relationship. and she needs me so much that i very rarely fully let her be strong for me. 

i need someone in my life to love and care for me the way i love and care for others, but no one ever has. i am always the strong one, the rational one, the shoulder to cry on, the fall back, the voice of reason, the steady hand, the constant friend. and no one ever realizes i need the same. they think i have my life so together but i dont. not even close. 

its true that im not living in a post apocalyptic world with 99 kids to take care of. i didnt have to make decisions about who lived or died. but when clarke took the needle away from abby, a grown ass adult and her mother, who wasnt strong enough to deal with the consequences of ending someones life, and did it herself? i felt that. when abby tortured clarke under the chips influence and woke up and broke down and clarke comforted her? i felt that. when no one apologized for any of the horrible shit they’d done to clarke but clarke continued to not only forgive them anyway but to apologize herself to mend the relationship? gosh i felt that. every time clarke had to be the strong one, and the brave one, and comfort everyone else around her who was hurting even when she was dying on the inside and no one noticed, i felt it to my core. and it made me love her more than any fictional character ive ever come across. it made me get so unbelievably mad at other characters (cough raven ) and ppl on tumblr who were hating on her. it made me have a slight shipper meltdown after bellamy chipped madi and didnt apologize but she apologized for reacting, because did i really want that kind of relationship for clarke? (the jurys still out on that one tbh im still pissed about it. she had every right to leave him there and i dont think he deserved the apology oops)

so yeah, i love bellarke i really do. and most shows i watch i pretty much watch just for my ship (i cant help it im sorry) and i do think that bellamy is the best person for her and he has had his moments of being that person for clarke. he has helped her carry the burdens (or tried, when she wouldn’t let him) and has loved her well. so i want them to be together. but the main reason i love bellamy blake is because clarke griffin does. and that is not the feelings i expected to have from this show.

i want bellarke to be canon. but more than anything i want clarke griffin to be happy. i want her to get some apologies. i want her to find a nice home with madi and live in peace. i want her to find that dog again. maybe dye her hair a new color. take a nap. find some color pencils for her drawings. i want her to find love. but more than that i want her to learn to love herself. to know that even if she never finds someone (romantically or platonically) that gives as much as she does, that its ok. if no one ever looks out for her the way she looks out for others, its ok. because she can be that person for herself. it’d be nice for clarke to have a clarke in her life, but she already has one- herself. i want her to learn to have the same love and care and devotion and softness and kindness and gentleness and respect that she has for others for herself. and i want all of these things for her, because i want them for myself.

and that is why i love clarke griffin.

[umbillicalnoose]

i think that you would think im pretty and would like my poetry and i want to share it with you. im shy.

to be honest, im very apathetic these days. im not the nice “cutesy baby flower petal boy” i used to be. a lot has happened & im bitter & sullen & all in all, a pretty shitty friend/person to know. i used to possess some redeeming qualities, believe it or not, even if they were construed by the subconscious in an attempt to be likeable - a facade, even tho its only a facade, is still tangible, still there, is still something, even if not authentic. is poorer character forgivable in the name of presenting more authentically? but nah. that makes it sound like im putting effort into being a better person, which im not. im just sort of fried & done. its been a very long time since i played the role i built for myself on here of the “small fawn boy who wants to help girls” lmaooo. how embarrassing. altho, i was just a kid, & i guess, if you had a tumblr as a teenager, you went thru some cringe (i know the use of that word has fallen in on itself & adopted its own definition but for lack of a better one) ass phases, whether it was kinning or malingering mental illness or oh fucking christ, all that gender bullshit, etc etc. from what ive observed, tho, loosely following kids im still casually friends with that i met on here, i think we’ve all managed to Grow The Fuck Up, at least a little. most of us have jobs or r in school or have partners - growing up & moving on is a very surreal experience to watch/go thru. im moving at my own pace & ive accepted that - im still currently using & starving myself & concocting a suicide plan every day but at least i use clean needles as much as possible, i actively & honestly do strive for the bare minimum calorically, & um able to work with the mentality of “well ill have this when i need it but todays not that day” a lot more readily, in relation to suicide shit. ive finally found a therapist who Really Gets It, is a frontrunner internationally on ritual & extreme abuse & mind control. its pretty incredible what a few years with a good therapist can do. anyways. im sorry, i know you didnt ask for all this & im not even sure why i divulged. i guess, what tipped me off, was your attempt at sounsing “cute” - dude, cut that shit out, i promise youll be a lot better off. & i know everyone interchanges aspects of their personality based on who theyre talking to/who they percieve themselves to be talking to, but i feel like not a lot of people give enough credence to the internet & its hand in shaping/molding young people, kids, vulnerable dumbasses, especially tumblr (tho, i get that its a relatively new phenomenon) - u get a bunch of the “weird”, “alternative”, ““ostracized” kids together on a website, of course its gonna nurture a culture of hypervalidatoon & pretending to be sick in order to fit in to the point that its not an act anymore & exacerbation of symptoms & basically, just sucking each others dicks, sitting in ur own shit, & never ending coddling. & then, you have the older group of kids, who have played this game before but instead of helping or ignoring the Dumbshit kids, they indulge their own normally-buried-but-unleashed-by-internet-anonymity sadism/human instinct to just be fucking dicks & so now you have this vicious cycle of anger & hatred & fucking melodrama up the urethra. im sorry, i know im comig off as/am being harsh but god fuckin dammit yknow? also, this isnt directed at you, specifically, more of a generalized thing, @ myself included. so uh. i mean, if u still wanna share it with me after reading all this, id be happy to read ur poetry. i used to be over the top nice & then reverted to Major Asshole & am now trying to find that sweet middle spot - honoring & allowing myself to share my pain without putting it on others. which is really hard!! cuz becoming a Dick was difficult in that it forced me to be more honest with my true self & as such, more vulnerable - now in trying to become Kinda Nice again because despite being a pulsating scrotom, ive had the intense desire for friendship & human interaction, while simultaneously doing things that i was consciously aware was pushing others away - but then, if i pretend to be nice, where does that authenticity i worked for & was so scared of go? & i dont mean telling someone their new haircut looks nice even when it doesnt - thats just not being a dick. but i guess, those r the normal trials & tribulations of any relationship & adolescent developing identity. which is weird too - dealing with “normal” issues, i mean. whats the point if your life/limbs/breaking point arent at risk? whats the point when your best friends already dead. im sick of people calling "survivors” (despise that word, so fucking female-originated & overdramatic) “brave” & “strong” - surviving is not brave or strong. its just survival. you wouldnt call an animal brave for running for its life from a predator but you would call a dog courageous for going into a burning building to save its owner. premeditated action on the notion that you are probably going to be hurt is brave. being subjected to pain with no choice is not. theres no “silver lining” or anything “good” to be drawn from it either - sure it may have made x a more compassionate person or made y more introspective & gentle but you know what would have been even fucking better??? if the shit hadnt happened in the first place! let x be an asshole & y be self absorbed - the “benefits”, so to speak, do not outweigh the cost, not by a long fucking shot. its not only patronizing to hear garbage like that, but a slap in the face to know that anyone could possibly see anything good coming from that nightmare & that the characteristics, good or bad, you developed either in response to or as a result of, are worth praise. dont tell me im strong for doing what i had to to escape a torture chamber - tell me im perseverant for studying my ass off & passing that test last week. in the words of one of my dearest & most fucking brilliant friends, “pain doesnt owe me/you purpose - the need to intellectualize & assign meaning to pain & death is not only futile, but harmful.” & honestly, i think that it stems from weakness (in most cases - i realize theres a plethora of other reasons such as those who r just desperate for something to hold on to or r hyperintellectual & analytical or who have been pressured by external “support” systems to find the “good” etc etc) - while the majority of people view the person who “can find the good in everything” (strictly speaking only in relation to trauma/tragedy here & more in denunciation of those that celebrate this trait as opposed to vilifying “survivors” who respond this way, though in my experience, its very very very rarely the “survivor” that perpetrates this ideology ) as strong, i sort of see it as a weakness - their inability to sit with & absorb their own pain or that of others is so strong that not only do they have to frantically pull rainbows out of the teeth of a meat cleaver, they also have to exist within this strange (tho, not malicious - more subconscious) superiority complex. like, nah, dude, some times shit is just awful. you cant tell me anything fucking good came out of a four year old girl being kidnapped, gangraped, & tortured for two years, before being impaled & left to die on a stake. her mom opened a non profit organization? oh well thank fucking god for that!!! those that believe the latter to be more “enlightened” or whatever the fuck r the same people who say shit like “dying is easy - living is harder” & i get that that its supposed to be interpreted metaphorically for the most part - giving up is easy, trying isnt (which also.....isnt true??? admitting defeat & fully accepting the fact that ur fucking helpless is beyond hard lmao???) - but pretend youre somewhere, anywhere outside ur sunny little fucking yoga studio full of white women whos biggest issues r the pta & johnny whos failing math, & lets say your life is in real, imminent danger, a gun is to your head & i want you to not scream or cry or beg for ur life since dying is “easier”. if dying is so easy, why do the majority of ppl cling to it with such desperation - why is suicide illegal? why do some ppl go thru 100s of chemo treatments even tho the doctors say theyre just prolonging the inevitable, ppl who cut off a diseased arm so it wont spread, those who walk dozens of miles every day for food & water, etc? & i know & understand the survival instinct better than anyone, even when i wanted to die more than anything, my natural instincts would kick in with no conscious neural input & id do what i had to do. im not condemning those who cling to life (ok - a little. ur wasting resources out of ur own fear. but i also realize thats just me being a Fucking Asshole As Always cuz technically, im doing the same thing tho its more due to lack of opportunity rather than fear. i just think, societally, death should be more normalized, discussed, & not made out to be so unknown & scary), instead just reprimanding those who say shit like that (inspirational facebook quotes). especially cuz most of the ppl who do spew that shit have never gone thru anything even remotely difficult - their worst nightmare is a Big Scary Black Man grabbing them on the street, mugging them, & touching their tits. & i also know that these stupid ass sayings are to be applied to bullshit like exercise & fitness (“no pain no gain” is another one of my Favorites) & not fucking torture or even just ur run of the mill rape, even that would probably smash the rose tinted banana republic shades off their beverly hills tanned faces. but ive heard the no pain no gain one a handful of times in the last few weeks, specifically from doctors performing procedures in preparation for my bottom surgery. & i know its supposed to be encouraging & they have no way of knowing, but its just like, buddy, u have no idea who youre fucking talking to. & im starting to understand what THEY mean when they say it - pain with a reward is infinitely more tolerable than pain just for the sake of pain; like, a tattoo, it hurts, but u know, when its done, its gonna be sick as fuck. when u r able to fall back on the idea that its for something u rlly want, its A Lot easier to handle as opposed to pain thats Just Pain - theres no reward for it except, i guess, that the more u experience it, the closer u r to the end of it lmao. i mean, i still hate when ppl say it cuz for most of my life, pain was just pain, & the “reward” was the opportunity to go home at the end & so whenever ppl say that, my mind just immediately resorts back to that & im just like haha fuck u. but im trying to remember my experiences r definitely not universal & im starting to sorta understand what they mean i think. but, flipping gears here, & going back to the sentiment of “everything happens for a reason”, the base philosophy of psuedo deep Fuckwads - a girls dad didnt fuck her “for a reason”, everything doesnt happen “for a reason”. like ok, hypothetically, the kid he impregnated her with & that she was forced to have at 12 may surpass all odds & not become a homeless junkie & instead become a world renowned doctor who finds the cure for cancer. but she wasnt raped repeatedly from the age of six for that “reason”, no matter what anyone says & honestly, the liberation of the masses does not justify the suffering of one, especially a child. in my eyes at least. but again, im a bitter asshole. sorry i just Went The Fuck Off here oh my god.....if u read all this, thanks, pal. if not, thats cool too. but yea, send me ur stuff, id totally be down to read it. as for me potentially thinking ur cute, i have to look at my disgusting shitstain of a “face” every goddamn day so everyone else to me is fuckin aphrodite. but im also tryin to not put so much worth into physical appearance- its not something that should be complimented cuz its just smth a person was born with which is the same reason it shouldnt be insulted. this is gonna sound gay & stupid but i personally find that a persons essence & personality really permeates. you can meet someone who, objectively, isnt all that great looking, but once u get to know them, u really see their beauty - how the sun catches in their hair, their dilated pupils looking up at u from under long eyelashes in the dark, the birthmark on their right shoulder that they despise but that is so Them, the gap in their teeth, etc. & idk how to phrase this without it sounding like “well ur ugly but at least ur a good person”, cuz that only reiterates the societally indoctrinated emphasis on appearance & my kneejerk reaction to assure the person in question that thats not what im saying is only another result of that!!! its inescapable!!! but no, really, its not just a matter of “its on the inside that counts” - physically, they change or maybe, actually this is more likely, when i first meet them, my “default” eyes r just looking for features that i know im immediately attracted to (tall, blonde, sickly as in sunken eyes sticklike pale but still looks like she could & will beat the shit out of me) but as i fall in love or get to know them better, my eyes adjust & i notice & adore the beauty that was there all along. so uh. idk if ill think ur “cute”. but probably, yes, ill think ur an angel.

[theidlerwheeliswiser2012]

Longtail, graystripe, and bluestar?

alright under a readmore again lets do this

longtail

favorite thing about them

hes just really interesting and probably one of the most interesting bg characters in the whole series. im really sad that his arc got kinda cut off and we didnt see more of him because i think the progression from being one of tigerstars posse to like. finding out that tigerstar was like legitimately Bad and him having to deal with the repercussions of allying himself with the wrong person is really interesting. also that one story from uhhhh code of the clans i think? with him in it was fucked up……. peer pressure is a hell of a thing

least favorite thing about them

hes kind of a jerk sometimes. like i like him and i think hes a lot of fun but him talking shit about rusty was definitely in character. i think his bark is worse than his bite considering he got his ass handed to him by the equivalent of a 12 year old but hes still a mean ass bastard

favorite line

christ his entire rant about how rusty was born a kittypet and would always be a kittypet. its so good because rusty immediately jumps him

brOTP

him and mousefur!! theyre one of the few like. consistent actual friendships that dont turn into a weird romance thing esp between background characters and i think theyre really fun. mean gay/mean lesbian solidarity

OTP

dont really have one?? i cant think of anybody id pair him with. he should have a boyfriend though

nOTP

ive seen longtail/firestar and i dont HATE it but im not big on it because i think longtail is a little too old for him

random headcanon

i covered this in the one i did with brightheart but i like to think that theyre pals! also i think that he was probably a little overprotective of fernpaw, near to the point of being a nuisance. after the whole thing with swiftpaw he was worried that shed run off and get herself hurt

unpopular opinion

i dunno if i really have any?? i think all my opinions on him are pretty standard as far as ive seen. i will say that everyone who makes aus where hes firepaws mentor or where firestar makes him deputy have brains the size of the planet earth

OH WAIT i think a lot of people seem to think that he hit first in the fight with rusty but rusty literally tackled him midsentence which is WAY funnier. op REALLY got his ass beat by a 12 year old

song i associate with them

my old ways by dr dog

favorite picture of them

i dunno if theres even official art of him. i DO think that hes yellow with black stripes. sss warrior cats got to me

graystripe

favorite thing about them

stupid ass gay ass cat. i think he and firestar absolutely shouldve gotten cat married graystripe was so ridiculously dedicated to firestar……. like the number of times he saves firestars ass or follows him without a second thought because its just natural for him. he cant imagine doing anything else

least favorite thing about them

the entire thing with silverstream. absolutely not casting aspersions on silverstream here but on what planet was that a good idea. and then he like moves to riverclan to raise his kids but     immediately leaves. hes kind of a bum lol

favorite line

any of the 10 million times he was gay as hell at firestar

brOTP

uhhhhh i guess with silverstream or millie or ravenpaw. yknow i just realized hes had maybe two “friends” (i use friends loosely wrt to firestar). i think graystripe just has a compulsion to get hitched to any woman who can stand him for longer than five minutes

OTP

graystripe/firestar. like. that time leopardstar was like “beat up fireheart or im kicking you out of riverclan” and he didnt and firestar was like “dude” and graystripe was like “well i couldnt hurt you could i?” the way firestar acted like hed been widowed after graystripe got catnapped in tnp and when he came back firestar was like “if it were only my life at risk i would have waited.” the way that when firestar died firestar literally couldnt move on to the next life NOT BECAUSE HE MISSED HIS WIFE. but because he missed his “best friend” graystripe. when bramblestar was like unsure about what to do just after becoming leader and asked graystripe what he wouldve done and graystripe was like “i would have followed firestar.” tldr those cats were gay

nOTP

i dunno probably him and his poor wives all his romance arcs were so dumb and i wish silverstream and millie had gotten more development outside of them

random headcanon

hmmm i think hes still got a couple of friends from riverclan. not many but like i think hed still be friends with mosspelt (the lady who helped him raise his kids) and hed be on pretty decent terms with mistystar. younger cats who werent around for the whole deal with silverstream are always a little surprised when they go to gatherings and hes just like chatting with the leader of riverclan

unpopular opinion

i think that firestar would know what a waffle is. why wouldnt he he was a kittypet

song i associate with them

me and michael by mgmt

favorite picture of them

uhhhh that one official art where hes looking at a leaf all cross eyed bc its cute. he should be fluffier though

bluestar

favorite thing about them

another one where im gonna go like “ohhhh this character is so interesting” but she IS……….. i think her and longtail have in common that theyre really good gray morality characters and i think thats something that the first series did REALLY well…….. like it was so sad to see her go from a great confident leader to just like. inconsolably paranoid and having completely lost faith in everything she believed in and that arc was part of what made the first series great. they werent afraid of having a leader who wasnt Evil but who was a Bad Leader (at least in thunderclan. i know onestar and arguably rowanstar are examples of this but bramblestar specifically shouldve been far more dysfunctional even pre-broken code and it wouldve made things more interesting)

least favorite thing about them

i know part of this is just classic erins going Too Far in their writing and is also part bluestar lashing out because she felt threatened but some of the things she did later on were downright cruel. the whole situation with brightheart comes to mind (the fact that there wasnt more pushback on this is astounding too but again. the writing is questionable at best). she definitely shouldve stepped down

favorite line

i cant find any quotes from her specifically but the entire like. part where she snuck out to the moonstone to try and talk to/yell at starclan and was just greeted by a wall of muddy water in her dream was insane

brOTP

her and crookedstar! their interactions in crookedstars promise were really cute and id like to think they stayed on decent terms at least

OTP

bluestar/yellowfang………… they shouldve gotten to retire and get married and grow old together

nOTP

uhhhhhh i dont think i can think of any? idk i havent read bluestars prophecy so all the stuff people talk about from that book im kinda clueless about lol

random headcanon

the fact that she picked tigerclaw over whitestorm for deputy when they were about the same age and whitestorm was her nephew is kinda weird to me but i think maybe she did it because she was hesitant to put him in the line of fire. she might not have suspected tigerclaw outright but after losing two deputies in such a short span of time it wouldnt be hard to become superstitious at least and avoid taking risks with a loved one

unpopular opinion

i dont think that she Did Nothing Wrong but i dont think she was a bastard either……. like i said above shes very much a gray morality character, she felt like shed been driven into a corner and lashed out as a result. that doesnt make the things she did Right but i dont think she would have done them outside of the state of mind she was in toward the end of her life

song i associate with them

mrs. bluebeard by they might be giants

favorite picture of them

i really liked how she looked on the original cover of bluestars prophecy…….. she looked so little and soft

thank you!!!

[bruisedmetal-blog]

This kind of money

This kind of money and naked fame is the rarest exception for a camgirl. The rest of the many thousands struggle to make any money at all under what appear to be demeaning, even dangerous conditions. After eight years of observation, Mila says, straight up, that camming is a criminal business on an international scale.I had the opportunity to watch her cam, and I realized that she has a persona when she’s camming—in the same way that a lot of media people do. It’s not like she’s drastically different, but there’s a version of herself that she shares with people while shes at work in the same way that an actress would go on a talk show and be the sweeter, funnier, more engaged version of herself. She puts on a show, and gives her best, sexiest performance, reading what the client wants, asking questions, and taking directions. All the while, she’s sort of straddling the line between sexual partner, therapist, and moral supporter. It’s a ton of emotional labor—like any type of sex work. I think we often forget that being a sex worker is essentially working in the service industry.It took six years to reach this life of dilettantism and occasional sex work. Anna wasn't always free. She started camming when she moved from her backwater Romanian hometown to attend college in Bucharest for a degree in psychology. When she relocated, she knew no one and had no money. But, like Domino, heard things about the lucrative streaming flesh trade — a recommendation from a male friend who convinced her to strip from his cramped two-room apartment as he did the same in the other room."He told me I just had to talk. That's all. But he was in the room with me, and we made pornography there.

"He told me I just had to talk. That's all. But he was in the room with me, and we made pornography there.Mila Milan is as close as camming gets to producing a celebrity: a renaissance woman boasting ownership of a private resort in Thailand (below), a Porsche, an industrial design firm, nine cats, eight dogs, an impending book deal, a small child, and what she says was "one of the biggest tips ever in cam history — 260,000 tokens, which meant $US13,000 for me.To investigate, I visited the biggest camming studio in the US, Studio 20 in Hollywood. A lot of times, when you sign onto a popular cam site, or when youre on a porn site and a camming ad pops up, it looks like the girls are camming from their bedrooms. Actually, though, a lot of the time, theyre camming from studios like Studio 20 that are basically these buildings filled with rooms decorated like bedrooms.For my first show I applied some make­up, did my hair and put on a deep v-neck leotard. It was the middle of summer and boiling hot even in just that. I sat on my bed, placed my webcam facing toward me and sat doodling in my sketchpad, waiting for patrons.

The massive LiveJasmin would have you believe it's owned by "Gestao e Investimentos, Lda", a company based in an autonomous region of Portugal — and has a host of fraud complaints lodged against one of its subsidiaries. But a recent tax bust against LiveJasmin's Hungarian CEO Gattyán György — one of the richest men in Hungary — and his corporation, Dolcer Holdings, shows just how muddled the corporate picture is. No doubt deliberately.When I first left university, I went freelance straight away and didnt quite realise how hard it was to get regular work. I moved in with a friend who webcammed and I was like Oh that sounds like something Id love to do! I already had a sex blog and I was already posting nudes of myself and I absolutely loved it, but webcamming was a bit more of a jump. Theres still this mad taboo around it, that youre selling your body for sex, but its not exactly like that. You can do whatever you like on webcam. Most of the time youre just talking and keeping people company.Her friend, "gave [her] sex toys" and she was on her way, waking at 6am each morning in order to hit American-internet primetime. She hopped from studio to studio, at times living with her employers (and their unwanted advances), still far enough from self-sufficiency that she had to depend on them for support. One had a wife who insulted her constantly. She had to work, almost every day, on strict, long, tiring shifts, doing the same performances over and over and over again. She was an urbanite, but she was still a poor stripper in a small room. When one studio boss lost all of his money and had to move in with a friend, Anna had to go along, having lost her room, board and virtually all of her possessions.No one ever comes up to them on the street and says, "Hey, I saw you naked. While it's totally possible they do recognize her and just don't run up to her for autographs, she says she's never been recognized on the street. She says that if she ever was, she'd just "ask then [sic] how hard they came and if i'll be seeing them as one of my regulars," which is just good business sense. CONTINUED BELOW...

[dwightkschrute]

In 2014 and 2015 I did a my year in review kind of thing where I, of course, reviewed it and accompanied it with a picture from that month. I somehow forgot to post 2016 (until now) and forgot to do it at all for 2017 but unfortunately, I am back with a really disappointing year. I was debating not putting myself through the legit pain of “reviewing” this year but I think of how I love going through my 2009-2010 posts and seeing how much I’ve grown so this is for you, successful and cooler future me.

2016 and 2017 were amazing but 2018 was my most promising year. My boyfriend and I were going to move in, I was going to start my dream job; everything was perfect. It definitely started out as one of the best years of my life! Then exactly halfway through the year everything changed and I was left having to pick up the pieces and completely restart, making it one of the worst years of my life.

I started January in Mexico, which was the best, but my family and I got home early in the month. I had quit my job the month before so I dedicated the entirety of this month to job hunting. Our friend (my bf’s bff who became mine and my brother’s bff early on)’s dad got a boat so it was like we got a boat too because despite the cold, we lived on it. (My boyfriend couldn’t go on the trip with us, which he was super bummed about (and that we had to spend like 10 days apart which was killer then), so he was the one to pick us up at the airport and he greeted me with a bouquet of flowers. Out of the many gifts/gestures he gave me, that was one of my favorites.)

February I started my amazing new job so life was back to 40 hour work weeks and not having much time for much else. I was always attached to the hip to my bf so almost every day after work entailed going out with him or having dinner with my family or his. That was my month. My favorite part of every February is Valentine’s Day and this one was as amazing as the rest. I don’t even have enough space (of the allotted space I give myself for each entry at least!) to describe that day. (My bf at our Valentine’s Day dinner. We finished our long day at this restaurant (so, so cool, once popular with Old Hollywood stars) on Hollywood Blvd and it was dreamy and romantic and amazing.) Oh man, I don’t have a lot of interesting things to say about March. Oh, my parents got Influenza (A/B/idk tbh), so it was two weeks of my brother, bf, and I taking care of them. My dad has a serious chronic disease so it was especially dangerous for him so it was a stressful time. Once we weren’t in hazmat suits anymore (no but really, we were gloved and double masked around them and kept them quarantined), I’d be at work or with my bf. I also started to get close with a co-worker, who I quickly became close friends with! (My bf’s two huskies. I’ve just loved that picture since I took it! I’ve never been loved by a dog more than the one in the back of this pic. Not even by my own! He has a special place in my heart.)

April was barbecues at my house or my bf’s, trying every brewery and bar around, hikes, bike rides, beach visits, baseball games, boat rides, late night cooking and baking. It was lots and lots of love and happiness and I would give absolutely anything to go back to those days. (My brother and bf grilling on Easter. This was a familiar scene, I have so many pictures of this exact scenario, yet looking at it just now made me so emotional! Stop! They’re just grilling!) May was so exciting! Very first day I got a new car! I was so happy! It was long overdue because my finicky, expensive Volkswagen had to go and I’d fallen in love with the new Honda Civic (I’ll admit I have basic taste but I don’t care!) so I finally bit the bullet and did it. This month my bf and I, after a long time of “oh wouldn’t it be nice!”, bit the bullet as well and decided to finally get serious about finding a place together. So the apartment search started, but we soon realized our home, Orange County, was super expensive. My bf, in that “ha ha jk but I’m down if you are” way, suggested we pick up and move to Oregon and I immediately agreed. It just felt right and despite us being the most careful and non-spontaneous people ever, we decided to do it! So we began to research, look for apartments but most importantly, jobs. (My car the day I took it home!)

Uhhhhhh, well, June hurts to think about! We went to visit Portland, where we decided we’d want to live because that’s where the jobs were, on a quick trip since it was strictly “business.” Portland was everything I imagined and more. We loved it and I think we loved playing house in our airbnb more than anything about the city. Back in LAX we came to the easy conclusion that though we lived Portland, that’d require a lot and for our first time moving out we’d like to stay close to home and above anything else, we just wanted to live together as soon as possible. We immediately started to look for places in LA, we spent the month apartment hunting, and towards the end of it, decided on one we really liked, one he begged me to please say yes to so we can move in already. I was so, so, so happy this month but what made me happier was seeing my bf, I swear, even happier than me. I seriously felt unstoppable and was beyond excited for our future. (I had a lot of Portland pictures to choose from but my bf and I liked this one because it reminded us of Always Sunny for some reason.)

In July, everything changed. To start, I left my job. I thought, new chapter in my life, new job coming, I’ll live really far, I should leave now. So I did. My last day was an emotional day because I loved my job so much and every single person I worked with. That very same day, my bf and I broke up. For unrelated reasons to my last day, to our moving in, to our relationship, etc. We had an amazing, amazing relationship but he has a lot of demons and issues/insecurities he has to deal with and conquer, and though I was aware and was there for him and would continue to be by his side no matter what, he decided that this was a battle he had to handle by himself and I figure before he got into a more committed situation. It didn’t have to happen, though. I hadn’t talked about the specifics of the breakup on my blog so  sorry for changing the mood of the post, but yeah, July happened and it felt like my world stopped. Really regret quitting my job now, huh? I was hit by two huge losses and changes right at the same time.  (I took this on my friend’s boat 20 tequila shots in, drunk and sad as fuck. Not to get fake deep but how sad. Literally on a boat, beautiful sunset, would rather die.)

August was a blur and I’m still not convinced I didn’t just dream it. God, alright, here we go, the rest of the year is a mess so get ready. I fell into a deep depression fast. It also didn’t help that my dad had to start getting radiation/infusions for his illness shortly after the breakup. I couldn’t believe how much my life had changed. I started dating someone else and then I dated another guy shortly after. I wanted to replace and/or forget and I really thought that’d be the solution. I was miserable when I was with them. I took absolutely any opportunity to get really drunk or high, and the opportunity came often so I spent most of my days desperately trying to not feel anything. The only time I’d feel okay was when I was extremely high and I couldn’t even think. Since I had a lot of savings for my out of state move, I had a lot of money to blow, which I did. I realized I even liked the feeling of the temporary “high” of spending a lot and receiving the stuff. I’d hang out with any friend who offered (out of boredom? loneliness?) and even ended up on a mess of a Vegas trip. Worst month ever. Maybe. (Here’s a positive! I like that bathing suit and my tiddie looks so round!)

When September came I realized two months had passed and all I had done was be a huge depressed mess. I no joke forgot about work. I just straight up forgot. I started to look for a new job, which hurt me so bad because I had to face the fact that it wouldn’t be my Cool LA Dream Job anymore. I stopped dating. Most importantly, I completely stopped drinking and smoking because it’d almost always make me sadder but also it scared me that I had no self control nor did I care. I saw a whole lot of my close friends and they, along with my immediate family, kept me afloat this month because time felt like it was going so fast. I couldn’t believe that at a blink of an eye it was night again and then a new day. Time had no mercy for me, please let me hold on. (Me at a baseball game. Tbh I’m looking at this thinking, did this really happen?)

October started out nice because my best friend of years, who I unfortunately had a falling out with three years ago, reached out to me. I’ll always give her all of the credit for doing that. I can’t begin to explain what this meant to me. It was a nice, bright shine of light that managed to shine through the dark clouds. Having my best friend is exactly what I needed. I’m a big believer in the universe acting in mysterious ways and though I had grown disappointed in its little surprise for me lately, this was the kind I always appreciate. I spent a good part of that month with her, catching up and doing things just like we did back then. It was like nothing had changed. That’s all I remember about this month, and a super fun Halloween! That day was probably one of the best days in months. (My best friend Rylee and me the first time seeing each other in 3 years. We’ve had our blogs for 8-9 years so please follow her for quality content)

November was rough. I was frustrated because surely things should had been better by then. I was still feeling so low, I was going to job interviews to no avail, I “relapsed” and had a high/drunk off my ass on a boat messy moment.. To make matters worse, I accidentally drove up on a cement divider in a parking lot and my airbags deploy, which is so expensive to fix, so my car was out of commission for a month. Then I got so sick and I rarely ever get a small cold. I seriously felt like I was cursed, even the smallest thing felt like an insult towards me. The one good thing is that since July I had been forcing myself to go to the gym five times a week. My mom said exercising was the only thing that’d help her feel that sweet release of seretonin, endorphins, dopamine, and all that good stuff when she was depressed so, though I enjoyed going to the gym before, I did it just for that reason alone. It worked and as another result I got like pretty fucking fit. Revenge body, you’re one of the few good things in my life right now. (I literally had no idea what to choose so I said fine, here’s a pic of the scene of the crime. Whatever.)

In December I turned 26. Which I hate, naturally. I went to a million more job interviews. I’m seriously so embarrassed to admit that but whatever, it’s the truth. (I have a degree, experience, and an awesome cover letter..I’ll keep blaming the curse!) What kept me sane was that we had different family members visiting from the very beginning of the month. Playing with an energetic, adorable baby kept me distracted and happy. Having so much company around also distracted me (slightly, but it helped!) from the fact that the holidays and my birthday would be quite different now. I’m one of those annoying Christmas lovers, usually at least. This year everything just happened and I didn’t care. But I survived December! (I don’t care. This is the appropriate representation of 2018 and how I feel at the end of it.)

Jesus if you’ve read all of this.. I’m sorry you had to read about the mess of my year but really more like the mess that is ME. Yknow those like “people my age I went to HS with vs me” memes? I seriously went from being that bitch with a good paying job, brand new car, a serious, great relationship with a promising future together (Like. We would color coordinate outfits! LMAO. We would have dinners with both of our families together. We were obsessed with each other. You’d roll your eyes if you saw any of this. I can’t get over how perfect we were, it’s hilarious what happened to us.) and then at the blink of an eye I went to not having absolutely any of that, casually dating (something I’d NEVER done) anyone who resembled my ex and sadly and drunkenly puking off the side of a pier. Who is she? I don’t know, I got whiplash. (Queen of parentheses and side notes, I know. But another thing about me is... I’ve never been affected by people leaving my life. I’m used to it. I’ve never been anywhere as affected as I was when my ex and I broke up. This isn’t normal for me, my ENTJ/Capricorn ass doesn’t know what this feeling is.)

Please curse that has been put on me, release me. Whoever is attacking my voodoo doll, calm down! Please! I’ve gone through enough sadness and loss. If 2019 is even slightly as bad, I’m going to be like that pigeon I reblogged the other day that’s like “fuck this I’m just going to sit here.” I can’t even make a cute but corny, hopeful “hope 2019 is great!” comment. I’m literally begging you...pleading you... I don’t believe in karma but after all of this shit, I better have something much better in stock for me. “Good things are coming!” I fucking hope so. Like, I’ll be even more annoying right now and say that it’s not fair that I didn’t get to have the future I was about to have. I don’t care about any cliche you may have for me. One door closes, everything happens for a reason, God has a plan, etc. No. Why did all of this have to happen? What can be better than the future I was going to have? I felt so unlucky. It all feels like a nightmare and I’m just waiting to feel whole again. Oh shit I got really intense. I know I’ll get over it and life will be good again eventually but for now, I am still so mad. I would have never in a million years guessed this is how my 2018 would go. 

So fine, I’ve accepted things now, so now I’m impatient and say please prove me wrong, 2019. I’m THREATENING you to be amazing!

[becauseyoureahumanbeing]

Welcome to my brain....

i wrote this one night when i was not really all with-it.... i was sad and feeling a bit numb and i just let the words flow out as they came.... the real thoughts... its a bit of a ramble but that seems to be what happens when you just let the words tumble out.  i glimpsed over it for obvious spelling errors (not grammar/not caps or lower case ect) but otherwise left it untouched from how i typed it on Notepad on my computer

Here you go!

Sometimes i really dont know what im doing with myself... i feel like im sleep walking. i feel like im sleeping. i feel like a zombie some days. i dont want to see people or deal with them after work. it sounds exhausting. like too much effort. im too tired. id rather just sit alone and watch a show or sleep.... but then im lonely too. all the time. not aching lonely all the time... but just faded. like a fog clinging to my mind "you dont really have a person... you dont have anyone person that you trust everything with.. can say absolutely anything too"  not even as friends.... im so exhausted with holding pieces of myself back from people... im so tired of not being myself, being withdrawn, scared, admitting it is a little over whelming... im so tired of trying to hide from people that i am how i am. .... playing to people... i feel like ill never find love... not truly... not honestly.. not committed...not real. im getting worn out on telling myself im a good person. im a great friend. a good daughter. a nice person.... worth it. i know all these things.... im tired of hearing them... because i dont always feel them. i dont always feel very much at all sometimes... i just feel numb and empty, bored and restless, content but wanting. happy enough but sad a lot. fairly accomplished and mostly defeated most days. forcing myself to do things i dont feel like doing is nearly impossible most of the time... i have hardly any motivation on my own. if i dont need to do it in order to get something i want bad enough, if i didnt pay money to do it, make money doing it, get to see family or friends while doing it.... im probably not doing it on my own. even some things i know would be fun, but usually chores or things around the house... super basic adulting that arent life critical but are obviously high importance for common sense reasons. need plates to eat on, not usually... but need utensils usually no matter what.... so why have i not washed a dish, besides a random spoon to eat ice-cream with, in well over a month? wet blankets and towels sitting in my basement for weeks... i just washed 3 of them last night... after my mom had to wash one whole pile just to get it out of her way and because she was sick of knowing it was there and i wasnt doing it....... my house only recently got vacuumed after months because i went out of town and my mom did it in the midst of repainting most of my main floor. because she loves me and shes a saint... piles of clothes perched or on the floor in various spots of my room that were clean, are clean, are dirty, need to be washed.... i do at least keep up on laundry enough to keep me in clean clothes... but the stray, not every day, pieces are scattered everywhere.... my table isnt as bad, organized by my mom also while i was out of town... i refuse to vacuum or clean my futon/couch cushion... so its basically been turned over to my dog and im breaking my back in a swing chair as i type. ... i need to buy a real vacuum. i need to do my dishes. i need to wash every article of clothing not clearly clean and throw it away or put it away. i need to do way too many things.... and ultimately im a mess... i feel like one anyway... at times ive felt crazy, ridiculous, overwhelming. terrified to scare someone away... really thats only with guys... ive developed anxiety and a big spike for it happens with guys... but since ive recognized it ive been able to curb it a good deal. be rational and think through my own thoughts and actions and realize if im being silly or if i need to re-approach. ... sometimes my damage is done though... ive over done it. thrown it to the wind and ruined a connection... then im back to feeling like an idiot, confused at whats wrong with me and wondering why no one stays... im too much. crazy in those moments. even for myself. those are my breakdown moments... my call mom, phone a friend, cry in my bed or scream in the car moments... the moments i feel the most lost at times... they start up the sad feelings, the lonely feelings.... the empty feeling that leads to the numbness and pretending i feel okay enough for the day... by the end of each day though i know, i remember that im lost right now, im wandering. im scrambling under water, in slow motion...

in short i have no idea what im doing with myself.... in long... i feel like a dazed, depressed, procrastinating, stressed out, lonely, but somehow convincing myself im content, 26 year old girl... who can be mostly happy, but is almost always sad...  and i am found wanting... constantly. welcome to my brain.

6/22/18

[timetogoslumming]

okay. we got to talking about headcanons tonight, and i got to rambling. so here are some of my newsies hcs.

spot

okay so spot is a vegetarian. know that. you'll pry veggie spot from my cold, dead hands. gay. just straight up gay. but it took him a long time to recognize that. he was raised by a single dad, and his mom is in prison, and he has a much older sister that he's not close to. (i actually have a really detailed backstory for him that im saving for a rainy day.) speaking of rainy days, he loves them. spot is very into that "treat your body like a temple thing". he does yoga. lifeguard. plays a lot of app games? like angry birds, temple run, etc. loves to read. depending on the au, he's either a law student or works in construction with jack. he's got some ptsd from Some Stuff That Happened Once. drives a big ass jeep with loud music, usually either rock or rap, blaring from the speakers. actually a really good rapper, but pretty much no one sees that. likes to read.

sarah

sarah is like 90% gay. she'll occasionally make out with a guy for fun, like with jack, but let's be real. when she decides to settle down, it's going to be with a lady. she and davey are twins. she's a botanist with a big interest in environmental conservation (science twins.) very sarcastic. she's the less compassionate twin.

specs

specs is nearly legally blind, but not quite there. he's a ridiculously slow driver. dad friend. bi. dancer at nyu. also plays baseball and the cello, and he's very athletic- he runs every day. specs is incredibly detail-oriented and responsible. also, he and jack are the oldest, and he's kind of jack's secret right hand man. a lot of people think it's race or crutchie before davey shows up, but no. it's actually specs, he just works in the wings. loves crime shows. he and romeo are really into the paranormal- like ghosts and stuff.

romeo

in my head, romeo is colombian, so i dont see him as any of the actors that played him. he's gay, but also ace, but flirts a lot just because he thinks it's fun. he and specs have been best friends forever (im not getting too into detail about that but keep reading my christmas au). romeo loves candy, and constantly has like, a bag of twizzlers or pixie sticks in his bag or something. he's really good at crafts, especially making friendship bracelets. like specs, loves the paranormal.

kath

kath has chronic migraines. she ids as queer. she wants to be a reporter, but has a very successful blog, as well. (like a long-form blog, not like tumblr) with a few thousand followers. very politically inclined, and she and elmer talk about politics a lot. she and jack dated for a while, and they had a legitimately good time, but things sometimes just dont work out, and thats what happened with them. kath also really loves youtubers and spends more time than she wants to admit watching makeup tutorials. her dad is pulitzer, but he and her mom never married, so her actual last name is plumber (her mom's maiden name) and she was raised by her and her stepdad, who she adores.

mush

okay so he's diabetic. (btw the mush fc i always have in my head is ephraim.) he's SUPER good with kids. like, they think he's an absolute superhero. he's really, really patient and tells really good stories. he's a big ol stoner. he and blink are best friends (sorry, i dont ship it!!) and he's quite a potty mouth. mush and blink are actually REALLY fratty. also, he plays guitar

albert

albo is colorblind. it gives him a variety of vision problems. albo is obsessed with cryptids: his favorite is bigfoot, and he's also very into aliens. favorite movies: space jam and the fast and the furious. albo is also dyslexic and adhd- he and jack bond over it. as a result, school really isnt his thing, and he just sort of wants to be a mechanic, because cars make sense to him and he loves them. then there's his whole backstory- two older brothers, one of whom is a marine, and then a half sister. his dad cheated on his mom and got the girlfriend pregnant, but he loves his sister a whole lot. albert likes to make a lot of jokes about his colorblindness. he is also pan or queer bc what is projecting, anyway? ummmmm................ he gets really frustrated by how he's treated because of his learning disabilities. he loves dogs and cities and loud noises. also, that boy is a mama’s boy

jack

jack has severe dyslexia, to the point where reading is EXTREMELY difficult and frustrating for him, so he just doesnt do it. he's also got adhd. he's an artist, but for his day job, he's a house painter. or sometimes just generally in construction, idk. i generally make him a painter. he does a lot of odd jobs. jack loves cartoons. his favorite show is bob's burgers. he also loves american ninja warrior. likes to think he's fearless but he's actually pretty scared of thunder. jack unironically loves nickelback

race

race is a future rocket scientist, obviously. his dream is to get people on mars. he's got severe adhd. he's constantly fidgeting, and his favorite fidget toys are tennis balls or rubiks cubes. ps he can solves a rubiks cube in under half a minute. loves the kardashians- especially khloe. used to do a lot of shoplifting, but grew out of it. scared of horses. not a huge fan of animals in general, actually. queer or pan. totally tells everyone that his favorite color is green, but it’s be real. it’s gold glitter. used to smoke like a chimney but quit, although it was a struggle. 

davey

gay. hecka gay. he realized that he was gay when he played soccer and realized that he didnt want to be the soccer player, he just WANTED the soccer player. loves animals but snakes especially. also really likes alligators? anxiety, but like, the kind of anxiety where if you try to talk to him, he'll get pissed. let him be alone. started as a business major for practicality but switched to zoology. RIDICULOUSLY sarcastic. very flirty. has had multiple relationships before jack. scared of heights. doesnt love horses, but he'll deal with them. loves lord of the rings more than almost anything. hates getting his hair wet. VERY good at mario kart. he used to speedrun it and at one point, he was 14th in the world. 

crutchie

okay so: crutchie's disability can be a few things, depending on  the universe im using, but i generally do it as either a degenerative disorder or a major injury that was never treated properly so it never healed. hates mornings. so much. terrible loser. will literally fight you if he loses. sarcastic. can be kind of an asshole. wants to be a runner. : ((( crutchie is THE best wingman. like, you’re trying to impress someone? call up the big leagues aka crutchie

elmer

sarcastic motherfucker. news junkie. super skeptical. questions everything. trouble with his eyesight. he's the kind of guy who replays arguments in his head thinking up comebacks he should have used. he'll text you at 3 am like "AND ANOTHER THING"

[comicteaparty]

April 8th-April 14th, 2019 CTP Archive

The archive for the Comic Tea Party week long chat that occurred from April 8th, 2019 to April 14th, 2019.  The chat focused on Radio Silence by Vanessa Stefaniuk.

Featured Comment:

Chat:

RebelVampire

COMIC TEA PARTY- WEEK LONG BOOK CLUB START!

Hello and welcome everyone to Comic Tea Party’s Week Long Book Club~! This week we’ll be focusing on Radio Silence by Vanessa Stefaniuk~! (http://www.radiosilencecomic.com/)

You are free to read and comment about the comic all week at your own pace, so stop on by whenever it suits your schedule! Remember, though, that while we allow constructive criticism, our focus is to have fun and appreciate the comic. Below you will find four questions to get you started on the discussion. However, a new question will be posted and pinned everyday (between 12:01AM and 6AM PDT), so keep checking back for more! You have until April 14th to tell us all your wonderful thoughts! With that established, let’s get going on the reading and the chatting!

QUESTION 1. What has been your favorite scene in the comic so far? What specifically did you like about it?

QUESTION 2. What do you think happened in Wren’s past to make her the way she is? How does this also tie in to what happened between her and Conibear? Will she ultimately overcome these issues? If so, how do you think it’ll happen?

€heshire777

My favorite so far is Shy's expression when Wren grabbed his arm on the bus.

€heshire777

I don't have the link handy, sorry

€heshire777

Radio Silence should totaly do a jam with noosehead

RebelVampire

QUESTION 3. At the moment, who is your favorite character? What about that character earns them this favor?

QUESTION 4. Do you think Matt is hiding something from the group given his video call at one point? If so, what is he hiding, and what’s stopping him from saying anything to the group? What does the person he was talking to have to do with it?

starkfield

1) I love Brent's worry going into overdrive when Colbie and Shy get left behind and the bus is looking for him, worried that even an old lady walking her dog is in desperate need of help...it's such a great character moment as you realize how much he notices/is always mentally juggling

RebelVampire

1) my favorite scene this read through is probably the scene where wren and shy finally talk. i appreciate how natural everything felt, yet at the same time felt like a concentrated efffort on wren's part to finally get shy to talk to her. brent also kind of set up some expectations about whether theyd get along or not, so it was some good immediate payoff to seeing that yup, he right. 2) I think it's pretty clear Wren was an abusive relationship before she met the band. Who with it's hard to say. It could be a boyfriend but given her age id also believe it was her father. But regardless i think for all of wren's confidence that she has a lot of self esteem issues that shes trying to get over and it doesnt help when ppl like conibear are around her reinforcing her worst fears. i think shell overcome them, but i kind of think she needs to get a therapist if she doesnt already have one. which, theyre on the road a lot, so i dont get the impression she does have one.

3) Probably Shy because I find Shy the most relateable. Also I like shy because i kind of feel like he has the most potential for growth. Not to say the other characters arent growing or have issues to deal with, but i feel shy kind of starts on the lowest rung of the ladder. So when he grows and changes, like how he finally learns to talk to Wren, its really noticeable and really satisfying. Like watching your baby grow up. 4) for the life of me i cant fathom what matt is hiding. at first youd assume the obvious: that he wants to go solo. but that doesnt seem likely given other things hes said. and youd also think hed have said something by now if that was the case. though i feel like hes avoiding the subject because he feels like the others, especially colbie, would take it as a betrayal. as for the person he was talking to, who i believe is his cousin, i think shes just involved in the sense that he needed to tell someone. so he told her cause she cant exactly go spilling the beans to the band for him

RebelVampire

QUESTION 5. What has been your favorite illustration in the comic so far? What specifically about it do you like?

QUESTION 6. Given the focus on communication and relationships, what was your favorite moment where the challenge relationships present was on display? Overall, what do you think we can learn about the two from the comic?

RebelVampire

5) I've always really love this top panel with the Brandenburg Gate http://www.radiosilencecomic.com/comic/174 Cause man, there is so much attention to detail in the panel. Not just for the architecture, but all the little activities of the people too. It really feels like a hot tourist spot. Not to mention I love the angle used cause it really gives an impression of granduer and scale. 6) i really liked the recent one between matt and shy where shy was upset matt had treated him like a kid when dealing with samantha. at first i was kind of was more on the other character's page where i didnt really get what shy's deal was considering samantha had been the awful one. but then when shy was forced to communicate his feelings, it just really struck me as an "omg this makes sense." but i somehow feel this reaction i had was 100% what communication and relationships are all about. because sometimes we dont understand how we hurt others, and sometimes we forget that ppl arent mind readers. so for me, it was a moment where communication really was at the heart of it and it showed that without communication, relationships really just dont work that well. which this last sentiment i think is the take away from the entire comic. communication is key, because if we dont make others understand, we cant expect others to just magically know.

RebelVampire

QUESTION 7. Which characters do you enjoy seeing interact the most? What about their dynamic interests you?

QUESTION 8. Why do you think Liz took a chance on the band? What happened between her and Pandora, and how might this come up again given the past history Radio Silence has with the Sirens?

RebelVampire

QUESTION 9. What sorts of art or story details have you noticed in the way the comic is crafted that you think deserves attention?

QUESTION 10. Overall, how do you feel Shy will continue to grow and change over the course of the story? What role do you think Wren will have to play in his future?

RebelVampire

7) im really torn between saying shy and wren or shy and brent. so ill say both. cause i super enjoy watching how shy and wren come to get along even though their personalities are so opposite. like opposite in the way i never know what to expect when theyre interacting, so that makes each interaction exciting. but i also like shy and brent just cause of how mother hen brent is with shy. and honestly, theyre just super adorable when theyre together. 8) I'm going to be boring and say I think Liz took a chance on them for the exact reasons she said: she liked their sound and thought they had potential. though probably not shown i imagine once she met them, she saw their chemistry and charisma and thought "perfect." as for what happened between her and Pandora, i really think it might have had to do with the sirens. Either something before like Liz was supposed to help Pandora and Pandora betrayed her. Or it could be after the Conibear incident and Liz told Pandora to step up and doing something. and Pandora was like "lol nope" and Liz was like "how dare" but i do think pandora will be vindictive and use the sirens to irritate liz. and everyone will be sad

9) one of my variety details i think deserves more attention is how great the comic is at throwing in languages to kind of show everyone's ethnicity and add character to them through that. like how wren and shy both swear in different languages. or wren's extremely heavy accent that's really spot on for what it would sound like. i think it really helps bring the world together and emphasize the setting as well. because youd expect a british rock band to have more opportunities for different languages and stuff like that just due to how connected europe kind of is in general. overall though, just an endearing detail to me. 10) I think Shy still has to grow and stop being so, well, shy. Like even the recent incident with Matt kind of shows that hes n ot the best communicator. and i think thats something well see continue to change and hell voice his opinion and communicate his feelings more and more. and i think wren will definitely help with that cause she is more than willing to remind him ppl cant read his mind and he has to say the things for ppl to know the things.

RebelVampire

QUESTION 11. What do you think are this particular comic’s strengths? What do you think makes this comic unique? Please elaborate.

QUESTION 12. As a band, do you feel that Radio Silence will continue to be successful and grow their popularity? Or, do you feel they will crash and burn? What challenges will the band continue to face in regards to either path?

RebelVampire

QUESTION 13. What are you most looking forward to in the comic? Also, do you have any final thoughts to share overall?

QUESTION 14. What do you think is the story with Colbie and his family? Why do you think Colbie’s dad is trying so hard to contact him? How might this affect Colbie’s place in the band?

RebelVampire

11) I think this comic's strength is realism. Like this feels like an actual band that might exist and how theyd actually go about their actual daily lives. Even between the social media stuff, it just has this really endearing authenticity that helps draw you in to the drama and slice-of-life stuff. 12) I think theyll continue to grow, but i kind of feel that its their personal relationships that are gonna be the biggest obstacle to their growth. Cause I mean you have wren is keeps bottling up her past and no way that isnt going to blow up some day. You got Matt keeping secrets. You got Colbie's family issues. And then I kind of even think there might be issues with Brent cause i think theres gonna come a point where Brent has to pick between family and the band or something like that. And all these are gonna bring about drama and test everyone's dedication to staying cause love of music and fans can only take you so far

RebelVampire

13) i am most looking forward to things about wren getting revealed. cause i feel like the time is drawing near where well at least get an answer or two, and im interested to see what sort of depths this adds for her character. 14) I get the impression that Colbie's mom and dad might have divorced maybe and then she died. or maybe no divorce. i just assume divorce cause it sounded like she had money to give colbie which wouldnt work as smoothly if the mom and dad had shared accounts. granted i guess i also assume death too just from how colbie phrases buying gifts and stuff to matt. as for colbie's dad, well, probably typical rich dad. didnt have time for his son, son goes off to do his own thing, dad is like wait a second get back here. as for why hes trying to contact colbie? I mean i could assume the typical get back home here? but then maybe his dad is just angry cause colbie hasnt called him. and like will suggest colbie comes back out of vengence for colbie cutting him out of his life. i dont think itll have much effect tho outside of everyone else finding it a big deal while colbie doesnt really want to talk about it.

RebelVampire

COMIC TEA PARTY- WEEK LONG BOOK CLUB END!

Thank you everyone so much for reading and chatting about Radio Silence this week! Please also give a special thank you to Vanessa Stefaniuk for volunteering the comic and creating it! If you liked Radio Silence, make sure to continue to support it via some of the links below!

Read and Comment: http://www.radiosilencecomic.com/

Vanessa’s Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/quietsnooze

Vanessa’s Twitter: https://twitter.com/quietsnooze

[birdhug]

reflections on my first year of being fully vegan

july will mark one year of me deciding to go vegan so i thought I’d just write some blurbs of stuff ive learned and ways ive grown!

my tastebuds totally changed!! there are so many more foods that i love now that id never thought id enjoy. (particularly soy milk and tofu) this is something that i dont see a lot of people talk about irt veganism but its totally significant. i love veggies so much more than i thought i ever could.

that being said apparently i cant tell the difference between soy milk and dairy because a barista accidentally gave me dairy in my coffee once and i didnt notice until a bunch of sips in that they didnt put the little “S” on the cup over the milk check box thing so ummm thats weird. i havent had dairy in nearly a year but okay

ive realized that there can be people who are usually rational and value objective truth but then they open their mouth on vegan issues (being a nonvegan themselves) and they sound like complete simpletons. (didnt david attenborough, when asked why he wasnt vegan, say something like “you cant feed lions grass”?? lol ok)

yeah when i was a vegetarian i liked being able to just go to tim hortons whenever and get a donut, and i do miss that convenience. but the fact that i cant have donuts or chocolate bars all the time means when i finally do get to have a really delicious veganized dessert, its ten times better and more special

kinda related, im generally WAY better now at just having the presence of mind to resist food that i want to eat in the moment. i used to just gorge myself at parties and stuff and feel awful afterwards. now, whether the food is vegan or not, i can resist it if i know itll make me feel like shit later Even if it would make me happy in the present

ive decided i want to pursue a career in dietetics :)

ive realized why i care so much more about animals. its because i realized that humans hold so much power over every single animal in the world, and throughout history weve largely used that power to kill and mistreat them. i really think in this day and age its our responsibility to use that power to do the best we can to help them. they are at our complete mercy.

i realized that we as a society have been conditioned to see animals as objects first, and living, feeling beings last: their images are used as mascots, symbols, toys, we watch them for entertainment in zoos, marine parks, circuses, we watch cute videos of them online, and we have trained ourselves to see specific animals as food, despite the only relevant difference between a dog and a pig being our arbitrary societal categories in which weve placed them.

ive come to think of caring about animals as “widening my circle of compassion”. and i think its extremely healthy for others do to the same, because its made me just more empathetic to all creatures, human or otherwise, in general

i am...So lucky. my mom was vegan for 4 years before i made the full switch so i was already eating vegan meals most of the time. all the groceries in the house are vegan. all the restaurants we go to have substantial vegan options. and i have someone close to me that i can talk about this kind of stuff with. but there are so many kids my age that want to go vegan more than anything that have to deal with an unsupportive family and i really feel for them. & i honestly dont blame them at all if they just want to give up or succumb to the pressure of their family. please, dont risk your mental health. take care of yourself first and do what you can.

i used to feel like its pointless going vegan because nothing is ever going to change but like. now that im exposed to the community and veg related news is coming my way i feel SO much more hopeful for the future. so many more people r going reducetarian, corporations are investing in vegan food companies and theyre absolutely blowing up, the dairy & meat industries are starting to panic. were not going to see instant change but like...shit is happening folks. keep fighting the good fight.

ALSO i used to feel so hopeless about climate change. like when i was taught about in school there was no actionable advice given? it was always like “uh yeah were all gonna die. recycle and walk to school i guess” but knowing how much an impact cutting animal products out of ur diet makes only motivates me to do more! (yeah it may seem small but its better to think of it that way rather than “weh theres nothing i can do so i might as well not do anything”)

i know that theres a large percentage of vegans/vegetarians that “go back”. so how can i say that i wont??? i feel really confident that i wont because its just so....easy for me now. you see that most people start eating animal products again because its too inconvenient for them but Honestly after living in a vegan household for 5 years and having access to all the information and resources that ive had...i really cant possibly imagine a good excuse. it just comes so naturally to me. its so fucking easy. boff future-me upside the head if i ever voluntarily go back

in conclusion this is the best decision ive made & its changed my life in a major way and ive never been happier about my choices in life...and ummmmm thats it. please consider reducing your animal product consumption to whatever extent you feel comfortable. it would mean the world to me

& id really appreciate if you didnt reblog this!!

[littlestar2rayoflight]

@nanlicia okay so the idea for the first one!!! --> -snowy and tater meet in high school when tater moves to america for junior year (his mom has a job thing idk) -snowy and tater instantly become the best of friends and are pretty much joined at the hip constantly -snowy is out and Very Gay, but not like in a 'i am the head of the gsa' way but in a 'im gonna start a biker gang and throw straight people into the sun' way, yanno? violent stupid high school boy -tater is like,,,, a mile deep into the cloest bc russia Sucks but snowy lowkey makes him realize he's gay lmao -and snowys the first person that tater comes out to so. They Are As Close As Two Bros Can Be -and theyre both lowkey highkey in love with each other but they dont do anything about it bc a) mboy taters Terrified that someones gonna find out and tell his parents and b) snowy doesnt wanna pressure tater into something -but then!!!!!!! it the night before tater has to leave n go back to russia and snowy and tater are hanging out in snowys room and its late at night tater kisses snowy (wow im sure None Of You saw that coming,,,, complete plot twist,,,,,,,) -and they kiss a Lot bc theyre dumb high schoolers and theyre afraid that theyre never gonna see eachother again??????? -and they fall asleep together and then when snowy wakes up taters gone bc he had to catch a flight at seven in the morning and snowy is. sad to say the least. -so its been like 6-10 years since either of them have seen each other -and theyre both living in the same city (which ever city the falconers play in, i forgot which city lmao) but neither of them know that -and then snowy finds this Massive dog in the park w/o and owner so snowy checks the tags and brings the dog back to the owner -who is tater -and the first time tater sees snowy, the first boy he ever was properly in love with, after Ten Years, snowy is holding this massive newfoundland (thats the name of that real big dog right)? -and tater doesnt recognize snowy at first bc snowy got a lot prettier and it Has been ten years but tater is like 'oh come in ill get u some coffee or sm thank u for bringing my dog back!!!!! im alexei but most ppl who cant deal w the russian call me tater!!!!!!!' -which id say is about the time when snowy Realizes™ and just stares at tater for a while and tater is like 'uhhhhhhh. are you okay?' -and snowys is like 'why didnt u talk to me for ten years u asshole i spent half of highschool and most of college pining after you!!!!!!!' -which is when tater Realizes™ and then im not really sure what happens after that???? idk how to resolve it lmao. ill make another post for the second au bc this has gone on for Too Long

[dragonfly-xvii]

New Post has been published on https://easymakemoney.club/work-from-home-call-center-jobs-in-ga/

work from home call center jobs in ga

I am starting my own buy sell biz on the side for now but plan to go full time in the spring of 2013, there is one important lesson you should take from Petes example there is nothing wrong with wrongly interpreting your target audience needs at the beginning.

Considering that most boutiques take 20 to 30 of a sale if you were to put items in their store, sign up and immediately earn $5 just for joining. People can visit the website and browse through the profiles, this image can easily be printed as a canvas or fine art prints up to 152 cm x 102 cm or 59 in x 40 in with no loss of quality. You can save your hard earned money in different ways, not everyone can deal with a dog that has been mistreated or abandoned. Websites such as First Tutor employ any student who thinks they’re up to it, you must be 19 years or older or produce written consent. Pinterest or Tumblr with information about the products pictured in them, yeah you could but you would have to find a way to find peoples papers to proof read.

It is a great site and it allows you to make money quickly without doing much work, so it’s worth a go. Although when I went there not having ever seen it before, id pay if I actually knew it was going to work ya know. Do all you anti-purchase dog people realize that most shelter dogs are past the age where they can be properly socialized, i wasnt thrilled about the work since I didnt actually get to travel as part of the gig or the pay. We took an Uber from Dallas Love Field Airport to the Sheraton Hotel in downtown Dallas, occasionally were in the middle of a big serious meeting where no one is moving and the lights go off. Search online for market groups in your area and see if they have a sign up form where you can get added to their lists, easiest money you can make.

work from home call center jobs in ga

Inside stylist Jessica De Ruiter’s dreamy Silver Lake, i needed a way to start a blog and make money fast. Meaning they stay empty for years, my dad died of cancer.

Snap is available to both Android and iOS users, you have the wonderful privilege of reading this article where I am going explain most of the things that I did to help create that upward trend seen below that I didnt know the first year.

I wanna try Propeller ads, the rules are similar for Google and Bing. What other avenues do you pursue musically that bring in income, this isnt just freelance writing. Heres a list of companies that offers work at home jobs, i found lots of ways to make money while I was in school.

Personally i used microworkers 99design fiverr upworks and temforest, might be an easy way to make money. If you happen to have a craft boutique or specialty store in your area, take one step at a time and see your life turn around like mine did.