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h3avenish · 2 years
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getalittleclosey · 4 years
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under 25k larry fic rec
hi! i’m becca and i read...so much fic. these rec lists are an accumulation of fic that i’ve read or reread and extra loved from 2016-now. there’s a wide range of stuff here and i think there’s definitely something for everyone!! i divided them up by length so you can check out all those categories below!
please make sure to read tags and warnings on all these fics!! the only things i think i can guarantee is that these are all larry, there’s no non-con, no age play, no eating disorders, no mentions of bg, they end happy, and they’re mostly aus. oh and they’re all on ao3 and some are locked so you’ll need an account! anyway i hope y’all enjoy!!!
under 5k
under 10k
under 50k
under 100k
100k+
☆ watching the world fall by whoknows 12k
This segment has been going on long enough that Louis knows what’s coming before James starts in on it, trying to sell him on something he knows that Louis wouldn’t normally be buying. But there’s four cameras surrounding him, and an audience watching him expectantly, so if Louis wants to continue convincing people that he’s doing just fine, he’s going to have to go along with it.
“We have a whole host of single men backstage waiting to meet you, Louis,” James tells him. “We want to help you find love tonight, on Late Late Live Tinder. Is this okay? Do you want to play?”
It actually kind of makes sense that his first date after the break-up is going to be just as public as said break-up. Something like coming full circle.
“Alright, James,” Louis agrees, hopping down off his stool.
“Okay, come down to the stage,” James says. Louis can’t even tell whether the excitement in his voice is genuine or not. “Right now, come on down!”
☆ enjoy the ride by 2tiedships2 11k
“Stop sulking and get up. I have a proposition to make.”
“Niall?” Louis questioned. “Do you think I should put glow in the dark stars on my ceiling?”
He looked over and found Niall giving him an unimpressed look.
“So, no?” Louis asked. “No stars?”
“We’re going on a road trip,” Niall stated.
Louis looked back at his starless ceiling and waved farewell to Niall. “Cool. Have fun!”
“No, you idiot.” Niall let out a frustrated sigh. “You, me, Liam, and Harry.”
Louis glanced over to Niall and back to the ceiling. “Who’s Harry?”
Or the one where Louis, an omega more than tired of being treated as lesser than alphas, is forced on a road trip by his beta besties only to meet Harry who might just be the alpha he never knew he wanted.
☆ like to keep you laughing by kikikryslee 13k
Louis gasped. “Are you straight? Oh, I'm sorry, man. You should’ve just told me; I would’ve left you alone.” “No, no, that’s not it," Harry said. "I like guys. I definitely like guys.” “OK…” “Louis, I’m ace.” Louis snorted. “Kind of full of yourself, aren’t you?” --- Or, the one where Louis is a frat boy who likes to hook up and Harry is someone who doesn't hook up ever.
note: ace and aro rep bless
☆ say that you can see me (i’ll speak up i swear) by coffeelouis (streamtpwk) 20k
“Well, it’s not like anyone really RSVPs,” Liam defends when Harry turns back to him, “No one takes Facebook events seriously.” Harry rolls his eyes, still finding it within himself to get annoyed in his moment of panic. Liam has been complaining about the lack of accountability Facebook events have bred in their generation since their freshman year. Harry glances back to the gallery entrance. Yep, still there and moving closer.
“But aren’t you guys friends?” Harry asks, trying to convey the urgency in his tone.
“Well, I mean, I talk to him when he stops by the office for supplies sometimes,” Liam reasons, “But I wouldn’t say we’re friends, exactly. Maybe more like, friendly acquaintances?”
Harry groans. “You’re the fucking worst.”
[or, the liberal arts COLLEGE AU where Harry knows Louis as the best friend of the boy he has been hopelessly in love with for years now and Louis knows Harry as the boy he wished would look away from Zayn long enough to notice him.]
☆ a fire in us by hereforlou 12k
Louis had always thought it wouldn’t catch him off-guard. If he ever got his Time, he would be ready, and he would be calm, and he would make his way to wherever his soulmate waited for him and blow them away with how ready and calm he was.
When he got his Time on that Monday, years after he had stopped fantasizing about meeting his soulmate, Louis was not ready, and he was not calm. What he was was late.
(Or, the one where Harry waits and Louis worries.)
☆ just like the wolf before he bites by whoknows 11k
He’s loud, Louis is, and that’s far from unusual for him, but the volume of it still has Harry pulling back the curtain. There’s a half-formed thought in the back of his brain about telling Louis off, because it’s fucking half three in the morning, but then.
But then Harry’s eyes get stuck on the soft glint of Louis’ stubble in the light, and he’s making his way across the room before he even realizes it.
Louis, for his part, just tips his chin up to give Harry space and keeps talking, waving the joint in his hand around for emphasis. He doesn’t even bother to greet Harry, going on with his story to his semi-rapt audience, just settles a hand in between Harry’s shoulder blades and pushes him down firmly.
Harry just. Relaxes. His eyes slip closed, pushing his entire face into that spot underneath Louis’ chin, where his hair is still growing, neat and prickly. The scent of Louis’ cologne drifts into Harry’s nose, light and fresh, and it’s calming. Comforting. His breathing syncs up with Louis’ quickly, and Harry feels so much better than he had five minutes ago he almost wants to cry.
note: i’m rewatching teen wolf so this hits different
☆ wine not? by multiple authors 21k
Louis’ Wine Dive is a bar run by the people for the people. Wine Styles is a boutique tasting room that caters to a more highbrow clientele. When their worlds clash on a beautiful Charleston street, one of these owners may find that an ounce of pretension doesn’t stand a chance against a pound of perseverance.
☆ ain’t that a kick in the head by multiple authors 22k
“Well.” Niall unlocks his phone. “It wasn’t getting the traction I wanted on Snapchat. So…I tweeted it.”
What.
“You tweeted it,” Harry states, nearing a state of brain dead. “To your ten thousand followers.”
Niall nods, handing Harry the phone. “You’re a meme, Harry.”
“I’m a what?”
“A meme. It’s like an internet—”
“I know what a fucking meme is, Niall! Why did you make me into one?”
Niall has the fucking balls to cackle at that while Harry looks at the mess his former friend created. Videos of him screaming at Tomlinson about Tide Pods and his ass are being quoted and combined with memes to a create a level of memeception Harry has never seen before. That isn’t even including the thousands of tweets of him falling up the stairs remixed with random Top 40 songs.
~
In which Harry’s a disaster gay who doesn’t know shit about soccer, Liam drinks too many blue raspberry Coolattas, Niall knows everyone, Zayn looks dead, and Louis is Not Happy about sharing his breakout moment with “Drunk Hawaiian Guy.”
☆ tyger! tyger! burning bright by ryanreynolds 12k
They put on the Great British Bake Off, in a house in Donny, in England, that’s maybe inhabited by two ghosts, two lovers, stuck in the house where they used to have a life, so far away from the time they were born in. // A Buzzfeed Unsolved AU in which Harry and Louis died in a fire in the late 1800's, but death isn't the end.
☆ for the first time by mixedfandomfics 22k
The first Harry that Louis met was at his third school in as many years, and had shoved Louis’ head into the toilet when he walked into the mens restroom. Some slurs had been used, but the whole incident was kind of blurry thanks to the concussion he got when his head hit the tile floor.
The second Harry was a TSA agent when Louis was sixteen, returning from a trip abroad. The agent had smirked at Louis passport. “Layla, huh? Should think about dressing a little more feminine, no guy is gonna want you looking like that.”
Louis doesn’t want to see if “third time’s the charm” applies here. He’s finally secure in his life and happy, and he doesn’t want the heartbreak if his soulmate is just another bigot that wanted Layla and not Louis. Sue him for avoiding the pain.
☆ all i need is oxygen (and you) by lululawrence 12k
There are only two ways to navigate Bloomfield High School: become popular or make yourself invisible.
With the help of his best mate Niall, Harry’s introduction to high school hadn’t been half bad. Despite being a “bandie” – the lowest of the low in the ancient hierarchy of high school –Harry had somehow managed to survive freshman year relatively unscathed. So naturally, Harry would have been perfectly happy to resume his position of invisible trombone player number four for the remainder of high school. But one day something drastic happened, something that would change the course of Harry’s entire existence (probably).
It was the last football game of his freshman year, and the band was back in the stands after performing a rousing rendition of Bloomfield’s alma mater during half time. Harry was gracelessly wiping the slobber from the mouthpiece of his trombone when he saw him.
Louis Tomlinson.
Or...a High School AU where Harry is a bandie and Louis is the epitome of cool, so naturally, Harry must find a way to get his attention and win his affections.
☆ come together by bottomlinsons 11k
Harry and Louis slept together three weeks ago, and haven't talked.
Their coming group project is gonna change that.
☆ honey at seven by louiesunshine 11k
He’s in head to toe in khaki, from the oversized shorts showing off his thin and tanned legs to the buttoned-up shirt which is hiding his true form underneath. If his muscular arms have any indication, Louis easily assumes he’s fit and toned. A dark brown leather belt ties around his slim waist. And to top it all off, the man proudly wore a safari hat on his dark wavy hair.
Unfortunately from where Louis is at, he can’t get a clear view of the man’s eyes. But he’s able to see a strong jawline and a simple dimple curving his cheek. God.
Being the impatient guy that he is, he not so kindly pushes both Niall and Liam forward to speed them up.
“Welcome, guys, gals, and non-binary pals! Hop on in and watch your head. If you happen to miss your step and hit your head, then lower your voice and watch your language. This is a family attraction and we’d like to keep it that way.”
Or, where Louis goes to Disneyland for his birthday and finds himself a cute Jungle Cruise skipper.
☆ the switch (love is blind) by writeroffictions 13k
A Model Behavior/Princess Switch AU: Harry Styles is a doppelganger for the new face of Gucci, runway model, Dean Rose. Harry is asked to pose as him one night for an event, because the actual Dean Rose is violently ill. This leads Harry to meeting his celeb crush, Global Superstar Louis Tomlinson. Sparks fly. But are any of them real?
☆ fiction romance by orphan_account 18k
Harry has a type.
He likes older, sophisticated, mature men. Well-educated men. Men with life experience and passion for arts and social causes. Men who are established in their careers, who've sorted their lives out.
Niall knows this.
And so Harry can't understand why he's sat here opposite Louis Tomlinson.
A punk Louis/uni Harry blind date AU.
☆ under me, you by hazzafrazza (colberry) 12k
You Won’t Believe Who Was Spotted Leaving Harry Styles’ Primrose Hill Pad! If Harry was being completely honest, it probably wasn’t the best idea to be a world-renowned popstar and an infamous vigilante.
(Especially when all the comic books said never reveal your secret identity to keep your loved ones safe – which was all well and good, until Louis.)
Or: Harry wants a lot of things – fame, glory, Louis – but that last one is particularly hard to get when everyone thinks you’re dating your secret superhero alter-ego and suddenly you’ve become your own worst cockblock.
☆ superhuman tonight by rearviewdreamer 23k
A group of young offenders doing community service get struck by lightning during a storm, and begin to develop superpowers.
☆ sing you butterflies by objectlesson 23k
Louis stares for a moment before some primal sympathetic force in him activates. He has to help this boy. He can hardly walk, and he seems so young (yet ageless, beyond age, like a sea turtle or a parrot or a tree or something else odd and magical), and on top of all that, he has body glitter clinging to his skin, like that roll-on stuff his sisters used to use as preteens, only pink-gold and twice as thick. It’s, like, professional grade. He’s also wearing grass- and dirt-stained pink silk women’s underwear, so maybe he’s from London. Maybe he’s a drag queen who crawled all the way from a nightclub in Soho just to save Louis from his horribly mundane and woefully heterosexual neighbours out here in the middle of nowhere.
---
or, Harry’s a clumsy unicorn who accidentally stomps on a witch’s garden and is turned into a human as punishment, so he wanders into a nearby village covered in glitter, still figuring out how to walk on two feet, and meets the fairy-tale-fine Louis, who has to teach him how to live as a human and stop him from eating soap.
☆ i’ll be your love tonight by dinosaursmate 20k
“I don’t know how I’m ever going to walk away from you.” “So don’t.” Harry ran a fingertip over Louis’ thigh. “Stay with me.” - It's the summer of 1999 and Louis Tomlinson has been abandoned at a house party. A dispute over Smirnoff Ice and several night buses later, Louis is unsure how he'll ever walk away from this lovely, curly-haired boy.
☆ carried away like butterflies by dinosaursmate 17k
“Actually…” Liam said, scratching his chin absently. “I have a friend who is moving to London soon.” “Without anywhere to live? Who is it? Do I want them living in my home?!” “You met him at my birthday party. Harry, from Cheshire. Remember? Really tight jeans, curly hair down to here?” Realisation dawned on Louis, staring at Liam who was gesturing round about his nipples. Did he remember Harry? Did he remember Harry? He remembered Harry’s square front teeth biting into his collarbone, and he remembered Harry moaning, loud and obscene with no provocation. He remembered Harry dropping to his knees at the edge of the bed and roughly pulling Louis closer. He remembered, vividly, Harry’s lovely plump lips wrapping around his- “Lou?” “Uh- what?” Louis said, startled. “Oh, yeah. Um, I think I remember him.” - It was probably a huge mistake for Louis to let his former One Night Stand move into his spare room, especially when said One Night Stand doesn't seem to remember him.
☆ head head heart by turnyourankle 12k
After Dunkirk has wrapped filming, Harry struggles with his inability to reach subspace. He tries taking the matter in his own hands before Louis intervenes with a plan of his own.
☆ i got my eyes on you (you’re everything that i see) by balanceds 11k
“It’s not a secret, right, Harry? All of his friends seem to know--”
Harry slumps down and starts methodically banging his head against his newsroom desk. “Niall, it is a secret from him because I have spoken a total of ten fucking words to Louis Tomlinson and also he is incredibly out of my league and probably fucking straight as well!”
Or: Harry's a first-year on the school newspaper, assigned to cover the terrible men's first football team. Louis Tomlinson is the team's star defender. Harry pays significantly more attention to Louis's arse than to writing real columns. Pretty soon, everyone notices. It takes Louis the longest.
☆ then we kiss (all i wanna do is have a good time) by orphan_account 24k
Harry shuffles further into the room, timidly taking a seat on one of the chairs set in front of Louis’ table. He keeps his eyes on the floor, fumbling for words. “Sorry, I’m just—it’s just that I’m a bit nervous. And, uh, I wasn’t really expecting for you to look so—” he cuts himself off, just in time to keep himself from saying beautiful.
“Young?” Louis guesses, and Harry just nods, going along with it. “Yeah, don’t worry. I get that a lot, mate. People don’t really expect you to be head writer at twenty-nine. They think to get the job you have to be in your forties, or something.”
So a five-year age gap. Cool.
(harry is a potential new writer for a comedy show. louis is his kind-of boss. they flirt. stuff happens.)
☆ other habits (make your pleasure your pains) by jtsbbsps_dk 19k
Freaky Friday High School AU.
Wherein Harry just wanted to have lunch with his older sister, Cal sells ice cream, Gemma has a test, Anne thinks she knows (she really doesn’t) and Fate plays match maker, because no one puts her ship off course. Louis just tries to help out his best friend's little brother while dealing with a metaphorical butterfly invasion.
☆ the boy in the pikachu pants by mrsstylinson 20k
Louis stars as the bumbling idiot who's only a bumbling idiot around Harry. Harry stars as the charming bastard who steals his heart completely. They meet in the middle of a hallway with Louis in a state of considerable undress, singing Destiny's Child at the top of his lungs. Somehow that seals it for Harry. This is the boy he was always meant to fall in love with. Louis feels the same, only slightly more defeatist. It takes them a while to figure things out.
☆ all the small things by kitundercover 20k
AU. Harry is five inches tall and can't remember how he got that way, but maybe with Louis' help they can work it out. ---
Louis stares. “You’re five inches tall,” he says finally.
“I am about that.” The tiny man agrees.
“You’ve been making strange noises and scaring the shit out of me.”
“I’m sorry.” The tiny man winces.
“You’ve been breaking my things.”
“Not on purpose.”
That voice is disconcertingly deep, and Louis keeps wanting to look up and find the fully grown person that it must surely be coming from. He takes a deep breath and moves onto the next impossible point.
“You’ve been riding my rabbit,” he says.
☆ like two softened shoes by marie24 14k
He sets his laptop on the bed, backing away and running his hands repeatedly through his curls. Okay. This is okay. This is fine. This is not real.
Will peeks his head around the door frame.
“Uh, everything okay in here?”
Harry tries to keep his breathing under control. “Yeah!” he says. “It’s, um, everything’s fine!” He can hear himself talking really loudly. Will looks doubtful.
“Are you sure? Because it really seems like -”
Harry barks out a laugh, cutting him off. “Okay! So this is going to sound really strange. But.” He looks at Will, with the same shiny fringe, blue, blue eyes, and sharp cheekbones he’d been writing about the whole last week. He worries his lip frantically between his teeth. “Um. I think I… I think I… wrote you?”
Or, Harry is a writer who gets through his writer’s block by pouring his feelings for his best friend Louis into a character. A few days later, the character lands in his bed, three dimensional and with no idea how to get back where he came from. He turns out to be very inconvenient for keeping Harry’s feelings to himself.
☆ ready to fall by whoknows 21k
“Ninety and rising,” Nick says triumphantly, as though making Harry’s heartbeat pick up by thrusting an obscenely attractive person in front of his face is any kind of success. “Louis Tomlinson has just walked into our control room and suddenly our dear Harry Styles has lost all ability to speak. Could this be some kind of strange coincidence?”
“I hate you,” Harry hisses, forcing his eyes back into Nick’s direction, uncaring that the mic must have picked it up. “I thought we agreed that you were going to play fair.”
“I’m sure I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Nick denies, except he’s holding up a picture of Louis’ face now, sharp cheekbones prominent, soft lashes nearly sweeping against his cheeks as he looks down, and his fucking mouth –
“A hundred and two!” Nick crows, all but clapping his hands together in glee. “The highest it’s ever been!”
“To be fair, I did bend over the desk on purpose,” Louis’ voice comes crackling in the headphones. Harry practically breaks his neck whipping his head around at the sound of it, gaping at him through the glass panel. “You can’t really blame him for getting a little excited about that, can you?”
☆ gnossienne by pukeandcry 11k
Louis sets a challenge for himself; it gets a bit out of hand.
☆ tonight’s not over (come over and stay) by louistomlinsons 17k
Zayn doesn’t say anything for a moment, pausing and worrying at his bottom lip. Finally, he asks, “Have you heard that Cox guy is coming out with a new song?” Louis freezes, fingers hovering over his keyboard where they had been typing his password. “No, I hadn’t,” Louis says truthfully. “Where did you hear that?” “Tell anyone this and I’ll kill you, but I’d consider myself a big fan,” Zayn says. His face doesn’t change in expression, completely serious as he admits this to Louis. “Big fan? Like run a blog and everything?” or, harry is a famous singer and louis is a student who just wants to write his novel
☆ a love that feels this right by dontlethimgo 14k
As always, the classic high-school rumour mill is never completely reliable. Sure, there are those stories that fly around that turn out to be true—like the one about Niall getting with a model at a party a few months ago (which Louis still struggles to believe)—but this ‘rumour’ has so many versions, and none of them are actually right.  
The Sixth Form AU where Louis is the footie team captain, Harry is head boy, and no one at school has any idea that the two of them are in love.
☆ put your head on my shoulder by wayfared 18k
Niall gives Harry until the end of marching season to either a) make a move on Louis Tomlinson or b) get the fuck over him. Either is easier said than done. Basically, your High School AU with a drum beat.
☆ some nights i’m scared you’ll forget me by pukeandcry 15k
Zayn stifles a groan. He’s not terribly surprised -- Harry’d been mooning over Louis since the day they met three years ago when Zayn had moved into the house next to him -- but he’d been hoping that Harry would eventually get over it and redirect his attention to someone else. This development does not bode well for that turn of events, though. (High School AU)
note: this is zayn’s pov and has a decent amount of ziall and a lot of zarry friendship if i remember!
☆ oh how i hate this red string of fate by calamityk 14k
Harry thought being able to see people’s strings die would be the worst thing about his gift, until at twenty-two he finally met the other end of his own. --------- Or that soulmate AU where Harry can see the red strings of fate that tie everyone together.
☆ smoke dreams from smoke rings by objectlesson 18k
“When I get a craving?” Louis says, “You have to help me chase it away. Distract me”
Oh. Harry can think of about one hundred different ways to distract Louis Tomlinson. One hundred better uses for his mouth, for example. “Erm,” he squeaks, well aware of the fact that he's grinning and dimpling and blushing all at once, his whole face a suddenly mortifying warzone of transparent emotion. “How?”
“By hitting my arm as hard as you can,” Louis announces, holding out the arm in question. It bridges the gap between them, stiff and expectant, and Harry stares, not entirely sure if Louis’s being serious, if this is some prank that he isn’t clever enough to understand, or if the promise of touching Louis under any circumstances is so titillating that he just can’t process it. Louis rolls up the sleeve of his hoodie then, revealing his pale inner arm in maddening increments, pushing Harry somewhere between drooling and vomiting, he isn’t sure which. He just knows that his mouth is flooded, and the barely-there ghost of Louis’s veins through his skin is the prettiest thing that he’s ever seen. “Go on, hit me,” Louis orders. “Don’t be shy,”
--- or, Louis enlists Harry to help him with his bad habit.
☆ milkshake by speechless 13k
He's been saying it for years. He doesn't care that it makes Liam roll his eyes and Zayn sigh and Niall crack up. Lots of things he does get that kind of reaction from the boys anyway. Louis won't stop saying it, 'cause it's true. His milkshake does bring all the boys to the yard. It's a fact.
So the day he decides to get into Harry Styles' pants he says it again, when all three of his roommates are there to witness it. "I'll fuck him by the end of the month. You'll see."
☆ you drive me crazy (i just can’t sleep) by objectlesson 19k
The first time Louis ends up in Harry’s bed is a total accident.
☆ happily ever after by theneverending 19k
"It’s the Peter Pan that I work with most days. Harry got placed with us today and it’s really quite funny to watch him make starry eyes at Peter Pan from behind his camera. As if that would hide anything,” Niall claims with an eye roll, causing Harry to blush even harder.
“I didn’t think you’d notice,” Harry responds lamely, suddenly becoming interested in his food again.
“Harry, when you like someone, it’s written all over your face. You just kept staring at him.”
“That’s my job, I have to stare at him to make sure the photos come out nice.”
“You wouldn’t be getting defensive if I wasn’t right,” Niall rebukes, and Harry really can’t argue with that, so he lets Niall have the last word.
or, the one where louis and harry work at walt disney world, louis is a character performer for peter pan, and harry's the photographer that sometimes gets to work with him.
☆ like the stars that shined by butliamwhy 12k
Louis has stars in his eyes. Harry has known it since they were kids. They have their own tree, their own café booth, and so many years to fall in love. Perhaps a lifetime.
☆ green in the morning and blue afternoon by wildestdreams 14k
“Harry,” Louis whispered beside him.
Harry hummed, his hand coming up to stroke Louis’ back. Louis was still on top of him, his body sagging against Harry’s, heavy and warm, and Harry loved it.
“I don’t think it was a one off.”
“Me either, Lou.”
or
a Friends AU.
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wallsinner · 5 years
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Training Wheels | 1 | Jean x F!Reader
Title: Training Wheels Pairing: Jean Kirschtein x Female Reader Warnings: Swearing, Discussions of Virginity, Eventual Smut, Chapter Summary: Your friend Jean has a lot to complain about. Words: 2k Notes: I first started writing this in 2016(!!) and you can find this first chapter in it's first draft on ao3 if you're that way inclined, but I rewrote it, replanned it and I'm *so* excited to be rewriting it. The first chapter of Tear in my Heart -- aka the story from Jean's POV -- will be up on Monday at around 10PM GMT.
If there is one mystery you want solved, one question you want answered, it was why are you genetically predisposed to being the laziest of assholes. You’ve been so since you were a kid and personally, you blame your father because it’s a habit you’ve picked up from him at the very least. And you always suffer for it.
Like, right now, you are suffering because you’re more than well aware that if you’d gotten out of your pit of a bed when your alarm had rung this morning, then you would have had plenty of time to get your butt into the kitchen and produce yourself a tasty sandwich -- or maybe even a salad -- from what you’ve salvaged from the fridge, but oh no, what had you done?
You’d snoozed the alarm, twice. And then when you were finally ready to be awake, you’d lay in bed for forty-five minutes needlessly scrolling through your phone, checking your notes on Tumblr, your Snapchat and your Instagram stories. Hell… you’d even gone on Facebook even though nobody even uses Facebook in this day and age. Then you’d clicked over to Buzzfeed, done a couple of quizzes to find out which Disney Princess you were and played a couple of rounds of solitaire. And then you’d realized the time and jumped in and out of the shower, choosing instead of washing your hair, to slip the head of the shower beneath your legs, which had led you to not even having time to dry off and to just toss some clothes on, grab your bag and get out the door.
You had good intentions every morning, but… you just didn’t act on them. And this was why you used your shower head every morning because you were such a flake that no dude wanted to come near you. Well, that and the company you kept.
And so you’d had no breakfast and two long lectures had basically put you into starvation mode and so you’d had no choice but to drag yourself to the caf and get the special of the day -- which claimed to be shepherds pie, but should have been renamed ‘brown sludge with white bits and the odd pea’ -- which you were like… a thousand percent sure you were going to get food poisoning from, but hey, at least your stomach wouldn’t be eating itself.
Tomorrow. Tomorrow you will be better. You will get out of bed when your alarm goes off, you will go downstairs and get some breakfast and then you’ll have a long shower -- but you won’t masturbate, trying to get the shower head on that one spot is far too time consuming -- and put together something that is fit for human consumption to bring for lunch. Hell, when you get back home tonight maybe you’ll even take the time to sniff everything that’s on the floordrobe and maybe put it in the washing,
Maybe you’ll even fully clean your room while you’re waiting for the spin cycle to complete.
Actually, nah, maybe you’ll just watch the new episode of Catfish and eat a fat bowl of pasta.
You shudder as you look down at the ‘food’ again and with disdain, put the plastic fork (sidenote -- you know that Trost Community College ain’t exactly Oxbridge, but would it kill them to dish out the cash for one of those industrial dishwashers instead of trying to kill the planet you have to raise your children on -- near your mouth. You’re real tempted to hold your nose while you gulp it down, but you don’t really want to give Hitch Dreyse and her crew more ammunition for thinking you’re weird, so you just brace yourself and shove it in.
Well.
At least it doesn’t taste as bad as it looks. Definitely nothing gourmet, but if you distract yourself, then you’re probably gonna be able to finish it. You shove another forkful in and whip your phone out of your pocket, loading up Lovestruck and deciding to reread a few chapters of Ash Winters to distract yourself.
You’re about to come to one of the best sex scenes in the whole ‘book’, ignoring the world around you when a loud thump pulls you away from your Gangster bae. Peering over the top of your phone, you catch a glimpse of a thick, Art History book -- the cause of the thump, you’re sure -- as Jean slides into the seat opposite you.
You’ve known Jean forever. He’s basically the Boy Next Door, except he’s less Boy Next Door and more Boy Down the Road and on the Right Hand Side. He’s the only one of your little group of friends -- The Raspberry Crew, as you’d decided to name yourselves when you were five -- who still lives there. And like you, he’s also dumb as a bunch of rocks so he’s at community college too, so you spend a lot of time together.
“Hi.” You say.
He doesn’t reply, just looks at you and narrows his eyes as he pulls his own lunch out. It’s in a brown paper bag and of course it was handmade lovingly by the wonderful Mrs. Kirschtein, who was the nicest woman you knew and adored her son so much. Whereas your own mother liked to yell at you all the time to get out of bed and stop being a fuck up. Rude. Is it too late for her to adopt you?
“Okay,” you tell him. “I’ll bite. What’s going on?”
He looks up at you and the expression on his face changes from someone who wants to commit a murder, to someone who just watched their puppy get kicked into the sun. “It’s… nothing, really. It’s just…” he gives a big dramatic sigh. “Finally official.”
“What,” you ask him. “In all of the seven hells are you talking about?”
He looks around in an over dramatic gesture, to make sure that nobody is looking at the two of you and them just as over dramatically he leans in to you. “It is official.” His voice is a stage whisper, so that nobody can hear the two of you, like he’s in fucking Hamlet or some shit. “I’m the last virgin in Trost.”
And in hindsight, it probably wasn’t the best idea to take a bite of your food as he was speaking because you splutter, covering his face in little bits of half-chewed mince and reach for your water. When he’s wiped his face and your choking has subsided, you look him in the eye. “I’m sorry, what?”
“You heard me,” he snarls. “I know you did and I’m not repeating myself again.”
“Yeah,” you nod. “I, uh, I definitely heard you, I’m just wondering if I heard you right. And if I did infact hear you right, I’m wondering when exactly between your Mom coddling you, your lectures, moping after Mikasa Ackerman and your homework did you manage to go around canvassing Trost to come to this conclusion. Cuz uh, if you did Kirsch then you’ve screwed your numbers up because you’re probably not the only one with your V-Plates still on this room, let alone in Trost.” You are technically a virgin, you’ve fooled around with a few people, sure and you’re pretty sure Jean just assumes you lost it to Marcel Galliard because he did walk in on you at a party with his dick in your mouth that one time, but are you going to admit that nothing but the streams from your shower head have penetrated you? Fuck no, you know he’s got a big mouth. “Also… there are children in Trost.” Jean is seemingly as disgusted by you that your brain went there judging by the fact he balls up his brown bag and throws it at your head.
“Sometimes I think there is something very wrong with you.” Shucks, you’re flattered, but hey at least it distracted him from his misery for all of five seconds. “But okay fine, all of the people in Trost who are of age,” he tells you through gritted together.
“Again,” you ask. “When was this survey conducted?” You push your plate away because honestly this conversation had made your appetite much, much less raging.
“I didn’t do a fucking survey,” he tells you a little more aggressive than is necessary in your opinion. “I just know and do you want to know how I know?”
Honestly, you didn’t really because you never know what the hell is going to come out of his mouth, but you know that if you say you don’t want to know then he is just going to ignore your wishes and come out with it anyway so you just keep quite and say nothing and barely five seconds pass, before he opens his mouth again.
“Marco.”
“Oh,” you can’t help but laugh because Marco Bodt is the nicest human being and at one point you had the hugest crush on him and you honestly can’t picture him bullying Jean by taunting him, it’s too surreal. “So Marco did the survey? Or die he come up to you and say…” you put on your best Marco voice. “Oh hey Jean, did you know you’re the last…” and the look on Jean’s face is another for you to shut your fucking mouth and not finish that sentence.
“There was no survey,” he’s talking to you through gritted teeth again and you can see the tips of his ears are a fiery red, a sure sign he is about to loose his temper. “Forget about the fucking survey. I came by to see if you were getting the bus this morning and your Mom said your ass was still in bed, so I walked over to his instead,” he takes a deep breathe. “His Mom sent me straight up to his room because he was still getting ready, which I thought was really weird because when is Marco ever late to anything and well… he and that brunette from his Psychology class were in bed together.”
Well, your appetite is definitely gone now, former crush or not, it’s never nice to hear something like that about someone you once liked. “…That doesn’t mean they’ve slept together, we’ve slept in the same bed together and has your dick been inside me? No, not it has not.”
“Trust me,” Jean shudders. “I left them too it and when I spoke to him earlier, well, he turned into a human tomato at the mention of her name.” He pauses. “Plus her tits were out.” Ugh, you can feel the brown sludge on the move and you know the brunette he’s talking about and you really, really hope that Mina Carolina took her pigtails out when she got smashed and oh your God, you cannot believe you just thought of sweet angel Marco and smashing, where did that brown bag go, you may need it. “And the last time we slept in a bed together we were both six.”
“Nah, it was last April when you got fucked at Reiner Braun’s party and I had to bring you home with me so your mother wouldn’t see you in that state.” You wave your hand, indicating that you want to change the subject. “Did I really need to know about Marco? I’m sure he’d prefer you kept that one quiet.”
“You’re the one who made me prove my life is over.”
“Oh puh-lease, your life is not over. You are just an overdramatic fuck. It will happen.”
“Oh yeah? When?”
You raise your eyebrows at him. “Oh let me just consult my crystal ball! Look, Jean, it will happen when you meet the right…”
“I swear to God, if you say when I meet the right person… I already did remember?” He sends a longing look across the caf and you don’t even have to follow his eyeline to know where he’s looking. At Mikasa Ackerman of course, a girl he met at the beginning of your time here, she’s Eren, a sort of frenemy of sorts of Jean’s foster sister. You’d thought it was kind of cute at first, until she’d gotten a girlfriend and he’d stayed as deluded as ever.
“Remember that time when ‘Kasa told you that even if she wasn’t with Annie she wouldn’t give you the time of day?” He doesn’t look away from her, so you’re guessing he didn’t hear you. Or he’s choosing to pretend he didn’t hear you. “Jean!”
“What?”
“Look, I promise you that it’ll happen. You’ve just got to wait it out.”
He pulls a face and starts gathering his things up. “Whatever. You don’t know that.”
You grin at him mischievously. “Oh it will, because if it hasn’t happened by your thirty-fifth birthday, I’ll buy you a hooker.”
“Fuck you.” He tells you, but there’s no actual malice in his words. You just smirk at him.
And the two of you go your separate ways for the rest of the day.
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moodboard/aesthetic board for my Toreador vtmb oc, Lucia. deets about her under the cut.
Lucia [Last Name Undecided], a Toreador in her mid-20s. her medium of choice is sculpting. she’s working with clay before, and likes it just fine, but at the moment she’s really focused on scrap metal sculpting.
(after hauling around heavy pieces of metal for so long, she’s got Arms For Days. looks fucking fantastic in a tank top or in a sleeveless dress.)
her sense of aesthetics is focused on the morbid and macabre; the ephemerality of all things, the knowledge that every living thing will one day wither and rot and turn to dust, no matter how glorious or untouchable it seems in life. life and death are forever entwined! the cycle is incomplete without death, and trying to stave it off forever is pointless and stagnant and boring! accept it! embrace it! you’ll be much happier for it.
has a tattoo on her inner thigh that looks sort of like this, poppies + her defining mindset — “this too shall rot.”
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had a near-death experience in her early-twenties that reinforced her fascination with the macabre and left her with a gnarly scar around her waist/abdomen.
if you asked her what her favorite sculpture is, off the top of her head, she would probably say Lilith. the pose! the height! the eyes! the intensity! just wonderful.
has a tendency to isolate herself when she gets deep in her work; prior to the start of the game, she’d been holed up in her apartment for three months, relying on grocery and food deliveries to sustain herself. she emerged at last to meet with a friend who came to santa monica for a week-long trip; the Bite takes place only two or three days into it, after her friend got sloshed and lucia sent her back to her hotel in a taxi, choosing to linger at the bar for a while and then walk back home. finally alone, she could now be Approached.
(she may always be resentful of this. god damn it, she was trying to branch out and communicate more, trying to soak up the sounds of people and get outside, and you force her to cut ties with EVERYONE, FOREVER? her friends and family left thinking she’s dead? her art, left to gather dust in her apartment? she should have just joined her friend in the taxi. she should have been antisocial and said ‘no, i don’t want to talk.’ how was she supposed to know the dude was a vampire???)
when she was approached by her sire, she was also Kind Of Sloshed, and because of that, she’s not entirely sure what drew her sire to her or what made them decide to sire her, and that is maddening. was she acting ornery and ready to fight or did she turn up the charm? she can vaguely recall talking abt her sculptures and she thinks she even showed them what she was working on, at least in pictures, was that what did it? was she just Their Type?? did she get consigned to eternal unlife because some rando thought she was pretty? what the fuck.
her clothing style is eclectic. it ranges from super ragged things she wears when sculpting/making heavy-duty Artsy Shit since there’s a nonzero chance that whatever she wears will get absolutely decimated, to some Deliberately Provocative pieces — wear a bra as a top! unbutton that shirt and leave it open in such a way that a breeze could be responsible for a public indecency charge! and crop tips out the wazoo — to over-the-top fancy shit, sometimes to please her parents, sometimes just because it tickles her to wear smthing worthy of the met gala to go get a slushee.
comes from a semi-affluent family that tries desperately to gloss over that ‘semi-‘ part; has a subsequent distaste for the glitz and glamor that goes along with their attempts to seem ritzy, but still has no compunctions about mooching off of them to support her art for as long as she can squeeze a dime out of them.
squeezing a dime out of them usually comes with the stipulation of “please, for the love of god, do not make us look bad, don’t ruin the family name.” she gets a studio apartment to live in and make her sculptures, rent-free, and in return, she keeps her shenanigans on the down-low and occasionally makes an appearance at a fancy event, all dolled-up and ready to charm.
is pretty damn good at maintaining different Faces because of that; she can schmooze like nobody’s business. this was helped by her sense of aesthetics; people aren’t exactly vying for ownership of her sculptures, particularly the more disturbing pieces, so even though it’s absolutely dreadful to have to simper and fawn over uninspiring art, it’s important to maintain relationships with whoever is or may one day be a Big Name in the artistic communities. how else is she going to find an avenue through which she can sell her art?
flirts when she’s comfortable. flirts when she’s uncomfortable. flirts because it’s familiar and it’ll either make her feel more comfortable or make the other party uncomfortable, too, so they can be on equal playing fields. flirts with everyone. does she actually like you? probably! does she actually want to act on all the things she’s insinuating? less probable. sorry, boo, it’s just fun to tease, don’t take it personally.
died with long-ass hair, not because she preferred it that way, but because she couldn’t be bothered to cut it when she was focusing on her sculpting. it’s a source of annoyance in her unlife. even if she cuts it short one day, it’s back by the next, which REALLY doesn’t help when it comes to crawling through the sewers.
speaking of which, she does do a lot of skulking around california’s sewer systems, particularly since finding the nosferatu warrens. maybe it’s the atmosphere that keeps her coming back — the warrens ARE rather homey, and the neon lights are very nice to look at. maybe it’s the river of acid blood she nearly slips into every goddamn time. maybe it’s an unwillingness to adhere to the expectations of others and a stubborn refusal to take part in some sort of innate feud that she’s meant to leap headfirst into without question even though she has 0 ties to her clan and 0 reason to dislike the nosferatu on sight.
maybe it’s maybelline.
regardless, she likes the nosferatu. since they get kind of a raw deal by being plagued not only by prince lacroix’s wrath but by horrifying flesh abominations in the sewers that keep them fairly boxed in, she takes it upon herself to pop in between demands for her time to clear out some tunnels of tzimisce influence with her trusty sledgehammer — and to say ‘hi,’ of course.
she’d do more favors for gary if he ever apologized for being Fucking Rude when they first met.
...except, just kidding! that would be boring, and she can’t imagine he’d actually do it, anyway, so she won’t hold her breath.
it’s true that their first meeting was a bit of a shitshow, and she did NOT like being toyed with to that extent, and jesus, man, she’s never even met you before, are you that fucking mad that she still looks good in her unlife??
but after she gets a chance to actually rest and recover from the stress of a whole mess of Fucking Horrifying Fleshmonsters trying to rip her apart, all of whom were creepy enough that even her morbid sensibilities couldn’t embrace them wholeheartedly, and the additional stress of someone dancing fucking circles around her and managing to hide in plain sight to taunt her with some needlessly vicious comments, her irritation fades somewhat.
she’s gonna keep coming back to the warrens, and she’ll find the shit he asks for in his emails, and if he warms up to her a little, that’d be absolutely fucking fantastic, but if he doesn’t, well, it’s fun and pretty fucking funny trading barbs with him anyway.
hey, gary, say something else about her lovely face and sculpted body, she didn’t properly bask in those compliments the first time and she’s ready to lounge across your table with your skeletons while soaking it all in. c’mon, don’t be shy, she’s willing to really listen this time.
this ain’t deep, but a fitting song for her in the game is “loyal for” because it’s just saying “i’m loyal... for now.” once it stops feeling like prince lacroix is holding the sword of damocles over her head, she is out of here. 
she’s bi, baby!
she would absolutely try this.
it’s lucky this game takes place in 2004 or else she’d be snapchatting everything.
call her Lu. no, in fact, she quite likes you; call her Lulu.
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badlydrawnkakyoin · 7 years
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...and have been wanting to say it for awhile now.
It was rather obvious, but this blog is honestly... pretty dead. I always had the intention of coming back, but with friends leaving this place behind, there seldom were people that I interacted with on a regular basis-- and thus a lack of motivation to keep up with the influx of asks (of similar and repetitive nature-- there’s really only so many things to do before things being to repeat themselves, especially if you’ve been at it for a really long time, not taking into account interactions and events.) I tried multiple times to get back into the flow of things, but it simply never worked out due to the aforementioned issue as well as things such as school schedule, the workload it presented, and now a job with the potential to grow into sometime promising-- especially when it’s something I’ve always wanted to do, which is work on games.
This place has been a positive impact on my life and general existence. Tremendously so. I’ve been here since the very beginning as the second blog back in April 2015 (forgive me being a little prideful in saying so, it just means a lot to me) following in badlydrawnjotarokujo/kakyoyoin’s footsteps, and then being followed by badlydrawnpolnareff-- both who became lifelong friends of mine, whom I cherish to the very end. This place has done a lot, even if only by setting certain things in motion. I had a lot of fun, and had a lot of opportunities-- I improved drastically in my art, met a lot of great people who I still talk to, got a lot of attention for a blog filled with dumb doodles, and even met up with people at conventions-- namely Katsucon-- making good friends there, as well. I built a lot of confidence, learned a lot, went through some hardships, and was able to feel accomplishment whenever I got an ask saying I made someone laugh, brightened their day, or even helped them be happy despite how much life sucked, even if by just a little. I’m sorry for never answering them, but I do get those asks, I see them, and I want to thank you all for them. I might be a little dramatic, I suppose, but there’s just a lot I’m thankful for. 
I just really wanted to say a genuine thank you for all the support and love that  me and this blog has gotten over the past two years. To make people happy, give ‘em a laugh, or even inspire someone with my art; that’s really all I wanted from this. There was a huge timeframe where I got busy with school and wasn’t able to do much and I’m sorry for that, and I’m ever so grateful to everyone who insisted I take my time and take priority in my other work, and even followed me outside of this blog, which means so, so much to me. Thank you to everyone who showed me love and support in your asks and comments despite my inability to keep active. And for putting up with the feeble attempts to make stuff again.
To say I’ve been pretty absent from Tumblr as a whole is an understatement, although I’ve been AT LEAST trying to keep my artblog up to date w/ somewhat nicer pieces I do. I’m much more active on my Twitter, where I’m at least a couple hundred times less serious sounding than this, I swear. I also have been making use of Instagram as of late. Snapchat too, if anyone’s into that? I’ve been doing a lot of art and have been practicing on getting better and better, and have a lot of plans for the future, such as convention tabling and making art for games, and further down the line, a webcomic (hopefully with music and animations!) that I’ve been planning and developing for the past year, as well as run a coffee shop alongside bdpolnareff, my QPP. So, things have been looking up, even if I’ve been struggling with depression and the like. I have things I really look forward to. I’ve also recently graduated and have a Bachelor’s degree in Digital Arts & Design! School ain’t over yet, though, since I’m spending another two years in school for a degree in Game Art. Then comes the student loans...
So, while I really want to say sorry for probably disappointing you all with a general lack of content here (which I really am), I want to focus on the positive. I want to express just how thankful I am to all of the 3,000+ people that decided to follow this blog (which was WAY past any expectation that I ever had, tbh) For just being there, validating and supporting me, whether you said something or didn’t,  ‘cause it’s something I really needed. Honestly, you all are the reason that I kept at it for so long, after all. I’m really, really grateful-- probably more than you could ever realize. And if I could ask, if you liked my stuff, please follow me on other places and don’t be afraid to drop a comment somewhere, ‘cause I really appreciate them! (Although I’m kind of bad at conversation sometimes, especially in DMs, but I still appreciate--)
I honestly could say thanks and thanks again all day, and it’s probably getting really old by now if you’re still reading, but I just... really wanted to say how much all of this meant to me. So, as a final thanks, thank you for taking the time to read this. ‘Cause that means a lot too. This is goodbye! From here, at least!
I wish all of you luck and good fortune for the future. There are dark times ahead, but remember that it’ll always pass! Easier said than done, I know, but you can do it! Things may not go as planned, but sometimes those things happen so that something greater may come later. After all, we wouldn’t know what happiness is if we were never sad. You never know what’ll happen!
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Twitter | Tumblr | Instagram 
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bestketodiet · 7 years
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Japanese Convenience Store Food Taste Test // Healthy Food Haul in Japan
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What’ up everybody, welcome to another Japanese convenience store food taste test. If you want to experience a healthy food haul in downtown Tokyo then you’ve come to the right place. What we got here is a diverse array of Japanese foods from Natural Lawson Japan and personally, I think it’s pretty nice. So grab yourself a treat and take yourself a seat because the show is about to begin.
► Previous Convenience Store Tour: http://bit.ly/2i6TSFK
KONBINI FOOD INFO:
1. Rice-Free Keema Curry (ご飯をつかわないキーマカレー) 2. Chestnut Hojicha (くりほうじ茶) 3. 4 Part Salad Combo (4種人気者サラダア) 4. Morinaga Macrobiotic Biscuit (モリナガ マクロビ ビスケット) * All foods from Family Mart Japan (ナチュラルローソンコンビニ)
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CREDITS:
Portrait Art Courtesy of Davkro (Twitter handle @Krooked_Glasses) Intro / Outro Music: “BirdBrainz” by Otis McDonald Maps, Flags, and Other Pictures from Wikipedia (license: http://bit.ly/2nLZQQ5 and http://bit.ly/2s8k7mN)
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
VIDEO SCRIPT:
What’s up everybody, welcome to another Japanese convenience store food taste test. If you want to experience a healthy food haul in downtown Tokyo then you’ve come to the right place. What we got here is a diverse array of Japanese foods from Natural Lawson Japan and personally, I think it’s pretty nice. So grab yourself a treat and take yourself a seat because the show is about to begin.
So I was sprinting around the mean streets of downtown Tokyo but to be perfectly honest, despite that nice weather, I was feeling a tad worse for wear. I don’t exactly know why I was feeling like that but truth be told it bother me a lot. In fact, it bothered me a REAL lot. So to help my body recover from that sorry state, I figured I best be doing a healthy Japanese food taste test for a change. And there ain’t no better place to do that than a Natural Lawson, baby. So I sprinted on inside that Natural Lawson not because I wanted to but because I actually needed to. I needed to treat my body right with a little healthy chow for a change. Can you actually blame me? So I started scoping out those primo healthy prepared foods because you know what they say, you’re body is your temple, right? And what better way to honor that temple than to animalistically consume buckwild bento boxes such as these? Strange as it may sound, I get the feeling that this choice quality chow was designed specifically for me, and WOAH baby. Look at this vegi meshi action. Apparently this is a keema curry sans rice. Even though that’s an Indian food item it’s kind of Japanesey in a way. They got a lotus root and some kabochya in there so I figured I’d give it a whirl. But I still want to get myself a Japanese food item so let’s see what other prepared food items they got around here. And what’s this? I think we got soup up in this mother. It’s not really looking Japanese enough to me so what do we got here, we got us some sandwiches? And man oh man, take a look at that quality. We got a pork cutlet and an eggyweg sandwich and those are some pretty nice sandwiches if I do say so myself. I’ll tell you baby, among the Japan convenience store lineup, Natural Lawson is one of the best places. I mean look at all these delectable treats they got here. They got some kabochya salad AKA pumpkin salad. I mean, you do have to pay up a tad for these items but what do you expect when you’re paying for the best. And holy geeze, what’s that? What in the world is that? Here we got us a 4-part salad combo that’s filled with deletable treats that look good enough to eat. I have a feeling this is the salad combo I’ve been searching for in my life so I slam dunked that mufo into my cart.
And here we go, now we’re talking. We got us some sweet potato macrobiotic cookies. I’ve heard of microbiotics before but macrobiotics? I had to look that up. Apparently macrobiotics is some kind of diet derived from Zen Buddhism. I don’t know the exact details but it seems like a Paleo diet with an Eastern twist. The macrobiotic diet is based on natural foods that have a balanced yin and yang. I mean, I know what you’re thinking, that sounds like something I just made up but it’s actually true, baby. Now, what we got here are some macrobiotic biscuits made by Morinaga and everything I’ve ever had from this company has always been good …
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More from my site
Backyard Garden Tour | Insane Food Forest Grows Tons of Food in the Desert!
LIVE Summer Garden Tour of My Backyard & Front Yard Urban Food Forest
Gringos Cook Mexican Food // Life in Puerto Vallarta Vlog
Man-Thai Curry | Shilpa Shetty Kundra | Healthy Recipes | The Art Of Loving Food
WHAT I EAT IN A DAY – HEALTHY VEGAN FOOD!
Weekly Grocery Haul | Healthy Foods | TheCramers Haul | September 4, 2017
from Best Keto Diet http://best.ketodietfactorfiction.com/diet-foods/japanese-convenience-store-food-taste-test-healthy-food-haul-in-japan/%20
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I don’t want you to suffer, but I don’t want to suffer either.
I don’t want the anxiety that arises when the cellphone receives a new message.
I don’t want to think about the possible conversations, the possible polite behavior that would stimulate a celebration in an inappropriate post.
I would try to stop and listen to you, if you gave me the truth… but placing the blame on me for being ‘too jealous’ is just unfair.
But it’s okay…
I don’t what was the feeling/reason that made this guy come around… But I hope it’s still lasting.
I am not a toddler or afraid of being alone…
Been alone for a while, and it’s bad… But feeling this insecure is worse.
And just as food for thought: I was the only one to change the output of love that I offered.
From a weird guy that wanted to talk to you and know about you in Tumblr, to a cold liar dog fake person kinda thing.
And in the beginning I tried to help you even with my improper help, about your loneliness, about your self-esteem, about your anxiety, about all I could.
But time went on…
And little by little you lost the shame you had on getting naked or showing yourself to me.
Remember when you had an anxiety crisis when you thought about taking some clothes?
Time passed and I started retracting and retracting and retracting…
Galo art, ? And this cunt.
The first guy posting songs in your timeline disappeared with not a lot of problems.
I don’t remember if there was someone in the middle. There probably was a Brazilian girl that lives in Germany and your exes.
Guess that by the time this guy came around, you were already full of losing control of your life to someone else.
And the first time that you talked about what this guy was into… I remember I got stressed and asked you what did he meant.
But you guys kept talking in Instagram…
Then you got fierce, added him back on FB and told me to mind my own business.
A long while ago… You deleted the history of conversation with him because you needed space (you guys share files or smth? because text is super lightweight)
Then he kept the flow of messages and you started ignoring him, maybe… anxious to answer, anxious when I would read it.
Anxiety because you knew how that could affect me.
I’ve been feeling down with the whole thing that I got to read in Instagram. But we started getting back together, and in my own time I was starting to create roots again.
But a great day after classes exams and shit I get to read the celebration of this fucking asshole.. pretty much targeted at me, because it was not about the post and it was not about something you didn’t knew.
Teaching (maybe agreeing) with you on this pseudo freedom bullshit.
I remember checking his profile on your Instagram and he was blocked. And like (https://www.facebook.com/help/instagram/426700567389543/) I work with computers for a living and even though I’m not the brightest one sometimes… I can still know when things ain’t right.
And like you could tell me you’re sorry. That I’ve pushed you to unblock him and talk to him, you could have deleted his comment in “respect”(?)
But if you’re so certain that it ain’t worth to be an 'asshole’ to someone 'sweet’.
Then keep telling me how sick and jealous I am… And how I partially cause problems in the relationship, therefore I have to change entirely.
Therefore, you should come to talk to me if you think you’re being misjudged…
But I think you won’t. Because you ain’t used in asking for forgiveness, trying to argue that you did something wrong…
I think these are narcissistic-like characteristics and therefore
- you won’t try to approach. - you won’t be able to empathize with how lost I am. - you will think that as a human, I’m dealing with this whole thing poorly. - you will find all the right explanations to why I am so insecure, but you won’t listen to what I have to say.
If you can’t talk to me, it means that you’re just too conflicted with your own convictions. And between dropping some convictions and staying in bed feeling down with such an horrible bf, you will perform the second option and blame me for everything.
Its funny that in order for your friend to have a chance with her guy in a long distance relationship, they had to 'open’ their relationship.
When you freaked out feeling anxious because she was rubbing in your face that she was going to move out and etc…
I told you that she was not getting anything that was truly hers right?
I told you that it was not a good opportunity, that they still were too 'young’ and that only time would tell.
Now even with the open relationship, their feelings might still fade. After one of them doesn’t spend time to care for each other, because they’re too busy flirting with other people.
Can you imagine how awesomely nice it is to be working your ass off,
Waking up around 6:30 taking a cold shower in a fucking bucket,
then working/studying from 08:00 to 18:00 (sometimes even later)++, in a city with violence that has no water, where you’re robbed in your way back from university at 5pm…
while your partner is receiving the news of that special someone that has a crush on them?
- There are 3 tropical storms around here. - Ohhh you’re so lucky. - hahaha, _still_ coming to visit one day? - yeah, I would love to visit. 😁
~~~~
- I miss you, don’t count me out of your life. - I won’t. - don’t you wanna fix this communication problem? I want to talk more freely don’t you? - _I want it too_. - maybe we/you could create a new acct. Idk.
~~~~
You won’t know how it feels. Because you can’t empathize with me.
You will keep telling me that I’m the wrong one. That I’m the one with a fucked up head…
So we end up with in this shit.
If he talks to you and you’re sincere to them… He will probably keep getting in touch often. Sending random subjects to start a conversation and cheer you up.
Maybe you will just zone out for a while now and feel bad until you come back with the “new years” resolution plans.
The last thing that will happen is some action to try to fix this situation, repair my feelings.
My heart is falling apart and I feel as suicidal as always. But one thing I won’t do is to agree that I’m “too jealous”.
I guess it’s easier for me to block people when you ask that of me, because they don’t often give a fuck to me anyways…
34 weeks ago you posted a selfie of your #bangs and this guy started exposing his mind at least there 26w (6months and a half), filters from Snapchat on Instagram 25w ago.
Same fucking thing.💓
Since that time… I was doing what I could to keep things going.
I even suppressed my own self to put up with the comments that would appear in your fb. Block them, was the solution…
But it didn’t last long…
And now you don’t know what to do about it… Getting in terms with the disaster, is easier than coming around and trying to prevent anything.
Having to talk anything without sarcasm, without the intention to hurt…
And I know that it’s easier to try to be nice to those more distant from you… Instead of an asshole.
So I just let it happen.
Just don’t imagine me as a being that doesn’t feel anything…
I ain’t as talkative as in the beginning… But I feel the things just the same…
And I fell in love for some of your flaws, thinking that knowing hurt you would be okay to hangout with. I thought that being depressed, would make you feel with time more caressing of others… Since you know how pain can feel.
But this part of you, that wants to be free… pushed me away from the part that wants attention.
You said things that I have mostly forgot… But you started putting me in a place of a 'roommate’. I destroyed the morning that we went to call ganxo, I destroyed the trip, I would lose the flight if we hadn’t argued. (But you saved it) I destroyed most of your friendships… I made you spend a lot of money to not act to your expectations… I got obsessed over an asshole that has been lurking around for more than 7 months.
Therefore, I probably destroyed everything… Being this jealous. Over a trump supporter that is not my friend but I can’t be an asshole…
So I have to text him accordingly…
Argghhhhhhh the more I write the more it accumulates in the tip of my fingers.
I told you when we started dating that people are somewhat predictable and they are.
I will sink now… One exam Monday, another Tuesday, work…. The water in the pipes only arrives Monday. You probably won’t come over… And I will be labeled the jealous crazy fuck.
What I need is something simple… But it will probably not happen, you’ll not empathize, won’t regret, won’t approach…
Anyways…
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