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taeminyourmind · 4 years

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Under the Moonlight (M)

Summary - Your marriage to Taemin experiences a rough patch after you experience a miscarriage. Though you want to give up on having children, his everlasting love gives you encouragement to try and grow your family again.

Genre - Mature (Angst and Smut)

Trigger Warning!! - Mentions of miscarriage

Word Count - 5.7k+

A/N - This story contains mature themes. Reader discretion is advised.

You sit alone on the bed in the guest room of your parent-in-law’s home, staring out the bay window at the night sky. Its beauty is unmatched as she flaunts her most prized possessions - the planets and stars. Though the waxing crescent moon offers little light, it gives you the motivation to overcome the darkness that’s consuming your mind. Beside it, the stars shimmer, sending a secret code with their pulsations.

The sound of the door creaking open and footsteps interrupt the silence. You remain still as the footsteps approach you. The rhythm of the steps and faint scent of cologne let you know that it’s your husband that entered the room. His weight shifts the bed when he sits beside you. He doesn’t make a sound and joins you in staring at the night sky.

“You’ve been gone for a while,” Taemin finally says. “You okay?”

You avert your eyes to the floor before exhaling deeply. You want to answer his question, but the darkness of your mind creates a haze over your thoughts. Taemin watches your face fall in sadness and gently nudges your shoulder, encouraging you to talk.

“I’m ready to go” you croak. You turn to Taemin with teary eyes that glisten despite the low light. “Take me home, please.”

Without protesting, Taemin nods his head and stands. Though he holds out his hand for you to take, you stand on your own and walk past him with your head hanging low. You succeed in avoiding Taemin’s family who has been pestering you with questions about when you would have a baby and giving you bedroom advice as if you need help pleasing your husband. You say a quick goodbye to his parents before walking out of the house with Taemin on your heels. A part of you feels sorry for dragging him away from his loved ones, but there is only so much you can take after a traumatic experience.

The ride home is silent with neither you nor Taemin daring to speak. You decided to not tell Taemin about his family’s pestering in fear of burdening him, so you keep everything to yourself. His family’s questions are loud in your mind. When you try to push them away, they come back louder, tormenting you. You try your best to ignore their invasion. You want to cry, scream, punch something, you want to do anything to kill the voices in your head. Taemin sees your hands clench and relax. He wants to ask if you’re okay when he glances over and sees a distant look on your face, but can’t pull himself to say anything. For the remainder of the ride home, silence is your best friend.

The house feels colder when you walk through the door. Was it because this was where your hope was lost? Was it because its rooms were no longer filled with laughter? Or was it because you made it this way? Your eyes fall to the floor, ashamed to look at anything that once sparked joy in you.

“___?” Taemin whispers, placing a hand on your shoulder.

“I’m going to shower,” you answer in a monotonous voice.

You walk away without glancing at your husband. His eyes can be felt on your back as you walk away, and though you want to run into his arms, you can’t bring yourself to do so.

Your clothes seem to stick to your body when you try to take them off. It takes time before they let you loose and you throw them to the ground in frustration. You sit on the side of the tub with your hand under the water, but you can’t tell which is warmer, the water that flows over your fingers or the tears falling down your face.

The water from the shower falls over you as you sit in the tub. You bring your knees to your chest and hang your head as you try to suppress the cry that burns in your chest. You thought that you were quiet, but Taemin could hear your sniffling upon entering the bedroom. The thought of you curled up alone while you cry pierces his heart. He can’t help but tear up at the sound of your distress and he fought hard to not burst through the door and hold you in his arms. Instead, he sits on the bed with his back to the bathroom door and allows the tears to fall.

Your robe covers your body when you finally emerge from the bathroom. You stop in your tracks when you see Taemin’s back, his shoulders slumped while his head rests in his palms. His shoulders shudder whenever he suppresses his cry. Climbing on the bed, you wrap your arms around his shoulders and kiss the back of his neck. Your embrace breaks the chain of restraint that is choking him allowing him to cry out. His chest heaves when he chokes on his sob. He doubles over and allows himself to cry out loud for the first time in a month.

“It’ll be okay,” you whisper while you squeeze him tighter. “It’s okay to cry.”

In the following week, there is nothing but tension and arguments between the two of you. Doors are slammed, harsh words are thrown, and silent tears fall when either of you stormed off. On many nights, the two of you go to bed without making up. And the pain from the day before will roll over to the next. You find yourself wondering if your marriage could survive. You love your husband, and you know he loves you, but there is a dense fog blinding you from seeing that.

One night an argument spirals out of control causing you to storm away from your husband who follows you.

“Why can’t you just let me hold you?” He yells, his voice bouncing off the walls.

“I just don’t want to be touched! What is so hard to understand about that?” You say as you stop and face your husband. His face is full of mixed emotions - his eyes are filled with sadness, his nostrils begin to flare in anger, and his forehead creases in confusion.

“Do you think you’re the only one hurting? That was my child too in case you forgot!”

Taemin closes his mouth before he could say anything else. His hands grip his hair before he leans his head forward until it falls against the wall. Though you are filled with so many emotions, sadness is the one you feel the most. You realize how much you failed at being a wife in the past month and how much patience he’s had for you. The least you could owe him was an explanation, a word, something to tell him about everything you’ve bottled in.

“I feel like a failure.”

Your voice makes Taemin turn to face you with curious eyes. You look to the ceiling in an attempt to keep your tears back before looking back at your husband.

“You’re not a failure,” he whispers while taking a step closer to you.

“No, I’m a failure,” you answer with tears rolling down your face. “I was supposed to protect our baby, and I failed. And the other week, at your parents’ house, I was asked nothing but questions about when we were going to have a baby. And I was reminded of how much of a failure I am.”

You pause to take a shaky breath.

“I want to have a baby, Tae. But I just feel like giving up.”

“Look at me, baby,” he demands. His strong hands cup your face and hold it up until your eyes meet. “We’re going to get through this. We’ll go to therapy, we’ll try again and if that doesn’t work, we can adopt, have a surrogate, or do infertility treatments. Whatever it takes.”

Taemin’s reassurance makes a smile spread across your face for the first time in a month. His lips press against your forehead softly when he wraps his arms around you and holds you tight. You rest your head against his chest where you hear his soothing heartbeat. Your head snuggles into his chest more as you wrap your arms around his waist, bringing him close. For the first time in what seems like an eternity, you feel worthy and loved - and it was all because of the everlasting love Taemin has for you.

6 Months Later

You stir in your slumber as the room begins to fill with the brightness of the rising sun, garnering a low groan to rattle in your throat. You squeeze your eyes shut and turn your back to the window to block the sun for a while longer. The moment you begin to drift back sleep is interrupted when weight is pressed on your side. Taemin presses the side of his face against your shoulder and brings his hand up to stroke your hair.

“Princess,” he softly sings while using his other hand to poke your side.

You groan once more and swat his hand away. Taemin laughs at your annoyance and sits on his knees. His hands attach to your sides and begin tickling you.

“Taemin!” You squeal while squirming.

The room fills with more laughter as Taemin joins in. No matter how much you squirm, you can’t escape from under his body. Your stomach begins to cramp and tears well in your eyes from all your laughing. Finally, you muster enough strength and escape his hold. Rolling off the bed, Taemin chases you around the room while you taunt him to catch you.

“Gotcha!” He exclaims as he wraps his arms around your waist from behind. “Happy anniversary, my love.”

“Happy anniversary, Tae,” you say with a smile while craning your head back to look at him.

Taemin’s hands twirl you around so you face him. The warm hue provided by the sunrise paints his face golden and accentuates the softness of his messily tousled hair. He smiles brightly at you before leaning down to softly kiss you.

“I have the whole day planned out for us,” he says. “First, we’ll have breakfast on the veranda, then we’ll watch our favorite movie, after that we’ll go biking near our favorite lake, and come home in time for dinner and dessert.”

“Sounds relaxing.”

“We always go out for our anniversary. I thought you would appreciate a day at home.”

You smile at his thoughtfulness and rise to the tip of your toes and kiss the middle of his forehead.

“It sounds like a perfect idea.”

Throughout the day, you treat each other like the loveliest creations you’ve encountered. You shower each other in the purest forms of love - intimate touches and words of affection. You find yourself stealing glances at Taemin in admiration. Whenever he catches them, he teasingly winks that make butterflies flutter in your stomach. As for Taemin, he finds himself falling more in love with you in each passing hour. Your gentle touch makes his heart flutter, your smile fills his body with warmth, and your laughter overflows his heart with joy.

Day turns to night with blackness blanketing the sky. The moon and stars shine brightly against its void. Taemin leaves you to get dressed while he prepares the dinner he made for the two of you. Upon entering the room, you see a large gold-colored box on the bed accompanied by four roses and a small card with your name on it. You look back at the closed door and pretend it’s Taemin, smiling at it to show your appreciation. Eagerly, you open the card to see the sweet words written to you.

My love,

It’s been four years since we wed and each day I spend with you is a blessing. I always wonder what I can do to show how much I truly love you. I picked out this dress for you to wear tonight and hope you’ll like it. When I saw it, I knew it was destined for you to be in it. Don’t keep me waiting long.

Yours,

Taemin 6v6

You smile at the card and open the box with quick hands. Inside, a blue silk spaghetti strap dress lays in front of you. You carefully lift it from the box and hold it against your body. Like a child at Christmas, you’re filled with excitement as you quickly undress and slip into the dress. Standing in front of the mirror, your eyes examine the way the dress appears on your body - its plunging v-neck accentuates your breasts, the silk material comfortably hugs your body to complement your shape, and the slit on the side teasingly exposes enough skin to make one yearn for a better look.

The door swings open without warning and cause you to turn towards it. Taemin is dressed in black slacks and a blue silk shirt, similar to your dress, that is slightly baggy on him. He immediately apologizes for barging in but trails off when he sees you in the dress. You watch his eyes glaze over for a second, feeling him undress you with his eyes.

“You look stunning.”

“Thank you.”

“Is it safe to say I made a good choice?”

“You made an excellent choice.”

You smile at one another before Taemin reaches in his back pocket and pulls out a piece of cloth. You raise an eyebrow at the material in his hand. Before you can question his motive, he moves behind you and ties the blindfold around your head. Cautiously, he guides you out of the bedroom and into the hall that leads to the kitchen area.

“I think you’ll like your surprise, princess,” Taemin whispers. One hand delicately holds yours while the other is placed on your lower back.

You feel yourself blush at his compliment. You smile and lightly nudge him with your shoulder. He chuckles at your bashfulness. Though the blindfold eliminates your vision, you can see the beauty of his smile and the way his nose scrunches when he laughs in your mind.

“Tae, how much longer do I have to wear this blindfold?” You whine.

“Only a few more steps.”

You walk a little further before Taemin stops you. You feel his warm presence leave your side and move behind you where his fingers swiftly untie the blindfold’s knot and gently removes it from your head.

You blink your eyes until your vision goes back into focus. The sight in front of you makes your jaw slightly drop. Before you, the kitchen table has been magically transformed into a gesture of romance - a white tablecloth covers its surface, small candles float in a bowl of water that is set in the middle of the table, and rose petals cover the tablecloth and the surrounding floor. The lights are dim to allow the candles to shine brightly and violin instrumentals of your favorite romance songs play softly in the background. Against the wall, a large framed picture of you and Taemin sealing your vows with a kiss from your wedding hangs under a wall light.

“Wow,” you gasp as you walk closer to the table.

“I hope you like it,” Taemin says sheepishly. He stands beside you, peeking over to see your reaction.

“I love it,” you smile. You turn and place a soft kiss on his lips. Pulling away, you can’t help but laugh when you see some of your lipstick smudged on his lips. “My lipstick is on your lips.”

“Is it my color?” Taemin asks before poking out his lips.

“They should rename the shade after you.”

Taking your hand, Taemin leads you to the table and pulls your seat out for you. A smile appears on your face as your eyes closely examine the decorations arranged before you. Taemin wasn’t the craftiest person, but for you, he tried his best. And for that, you continue to feel blessed to have a husband that loves you that much.

“Happy anniversary, princess,” Taemin says, interrupting your thoughts. He softly smiles and holds out a large flat velvet box. “I know we agreed on no presents, but I couldn’t resist.”

“Oh, Taemin,” you whisper and take the box. Slowly, you open the top of the box and gasp at the beauty in front of you. A graduating pear-shaped diamond necklace sparkles brightly against the box's dark hue. You are at a loss for words as your fingertips carefully glide over its jewels.

“Let me put it on for you.”

Taemin carefully removes the necklace from the box and transfers it around your neck. He apologizes when the sudden touch of his cold fingertips against your skin makes you shiver.

“It looks beautiful on you,” he says after moving in front of you to have a better look.

You look down to hide your blushing face. He always has a way to make you feel like the loveliest person he's ever known whether it be by his gazes, words, or actions. Looking up, your eyes lock with his soft stare causing your heart to pound harder.

“I made some of our favorite dishes,” Taemin says and stands to his feet. “First, we’ll start with a Caesar salad, then we’ll have salmon with sautéed asparagus and brown rice, and then we’ll finish with our favorite ice cream for dessert.”

“Strawberry?”

"Of course! Do you know a better flavor?"

"It all sounds delicious!"

As the night goes on, you and Taemin reminisce on your years together - showering one another with words of affection and soft touches. While you tell a story, Taemin barely pays attention to the words you say. He can’t help but admire your beauty against the candlelight - he watches your lips and wishes he was kissing them, gazes into your eyes and feels an overwhelming sense of love, and finds himself intoxicated by your voice.

After cleaning the dishes, Taemin picks you up bridal style and carries you to your bedroom. Your arms hold onto his shoulders as he twirls you around while humming a tune you are unfamiliar with. Your heart skips a beat when he presses his lips against your forehead.

“How did I get so lucky?” You ask as Taemin lays you on the bed.

“I could ask the same thing,” he says as he lays beside you.

The two of you exchange a smile before looking to the ceiling. Amid the silence, your eyebrows furrow as you fall deep in thought. Your thoughts are so loud that you don’t hear Taemin calling your name.

“Hey,” Taemin whispers while shaking you with a worried expression.

“Hmm?”

“Are you okay? You look like something’s wrong.”

You turn your head to look at your husband before nodding. You blow breath through your nose as butterflies of nervousness fill your stomach.

“I was just thinking,” you begin. You reach out to hold his hand in yours and stroke the top of his hand with your thumb. “And I’m ready. I’m ready to try again for a baby.”

Taemin remains quiet, processing what you had just said. It’s been almost a year since the last time you two had unprotected sex. You weren’t ready to have a baby, your wound still open from your miscarriage. But as you heal, you feel ready. But the more seconds go by, the more nervous you become.

“But if you’re not ready, I understand,” you whisper while avoiding eye contact.

Before you can move from the bed, Taemin lifts your chin with his finger until your eyes meet. He leans forward until his lips press against yours. His head tilts to the side to deepen the kiss. The kiss slowly breaks when he places his forehead against yours.

“Let’s make a baby,” he whispers breathlessly.

Without another word, you lean over and hungrily move your lips against his. His strawberry chapstick teases you and causes you to get a better taste by deepening the kiss. You feel his strong hands grip your waist to bring you closer. Your chest burns with intense passion as your hands slip under his shirt and rest on his chest.

With Taemin’s help, you roll on top of his body and straddle him without breaking the kiss. While you teasingly bite his bottom lip, his hands slip under your dress and tenderly kneads your inner thighs. You yearn for more of his touch as you grind yourself against him.

Taemin leans up slightly with the bottom of your dress in his hands and pulls it over your head before tossing it to the floor. Passion devours him when he sees your naked body. Your necklace sparkles under the moonlight giving you an angelic aura. His eyes take in the beauty of your body - the suppleness of your breasts, the softness of your skin, every curve of your body, and the desperation painted in your eyes.

You place your hands on his chest and push him back on the bed. Once his back touches the bed, you place sloppy kisses along his jawline resulting in a pleasurable sigh to escape his lips. Your fingertips work quickly to unbutton his shirt until it falls open. His breath shudders when your lips move to graze the sensitive area on the side of his neck.

Taemin's chest quickly rises and falls when your lips travel down the middle of his torso and near his pelvic area. His body tenses as braces himself for your touch when your tongue glides along the width of his waist. He raises his hips slightly to aid you while you remove his pants and underwear.

Your hand firmly grips Taemin’s erected cock and massage the tip with your thumb. His whimpers fill the air as his eyes slowly close. He thrusts into your hand in desperation to create more friction, to feel more of your touch. Under your touch, he’s hit by a wave pleasure when the warmth of your mouth replaces your hand. His hand holds the back of your head, pushing you down further. A choppy groan floats into the air when his tip grazes the back of your throat. The overstimulation of your tongue swirling around its tip makes his back arch.

“I’m gonna cum,” Taemin whines while his body squirms.

When you pull your head away, a string of saliva connects from your bottom lip to his tip. You look at Taemin’s body that is spread before you. His chest tiredly rises and falls, his skin glistening with sweat causing strands of his hair to stick to his forehead, and his plumps lips swollen and wet from biting them. He gives you a tired smile while tugging on your hips.

“Come here, princess,” he says breathlessly. “Come sit on my face.”

A seductive smile spreads across your face as you crawl towards Taemin’s face. You feel your walls twitch at the sight of his hungry eyes. Your hands grip the headboard to keep steady while you lower yourself until your womanhood presses against his lips. He smiles against your outer labia before parting it with his tongue. You sigh into the air as you feel his tongue slowly work its way from your entrance to your engorged clit. Your head falls back when his tongue laps your wetness from your folds. Your hips unintentionally rock against his tongue to feel him more. Soon, his name drips off your lips like a declaration when his plump lips wrap around your swollen clit and begin to suck. Your restrained moans burn your throat as his skillful tongue renders you weak. Fiery knot tangles in the pit of your stomach causing your legs to shake beneath you.

“I’m gonna cum!” You exclaim through a moan.

Taemin releases his mouth from your clit with a pop. A moment passes before you garner enough strength to move until your hips hover over his. Your natural lubrication makes it easy for him to enter you as you slowly lower yourself on his member. Between your desperation and the sensitivity of your genitals, the moment your walls embrace him to cause a lengthy groan to escape your mouths.

Taemin’s fingers are intertwined with yours when you begin to slowly bounce. His presence between your walls makes your sweet name roll off his tongue. You sweetly moan his name in response while you focus on how good each area feels when he rubs against your walls. A flame of desperation ignites in you when his tip rubs against your sweet spot. You slam yourself down on him once more and begin to feverishly rock your hips forward and backward. The sudden change of pace has him moaning loudly while his fingers grip your hips, pressing into them tighter each time you rock your hips forward.

A burst of energy shoots through Taemin’s body and causes him to sit up until your chests meet. For a moment, he stares deeply into your eyes before crashing his lips against yours. His tongue slyly enters your mouth just as you moan against his lips. Your tongues slowly dance around one another, and at one point, the dance moves from your mouth to his. One hand tightly grips your hip while the other is pressed in the middle of your back to hold you close.

Your lips greedily move against his as you begin to slowly grind against him, it’s slow and delicious as you feel your sweet spots being teased by his tip.

Taemin's muscles are tense as you torment him with your slow movements. You can’t help but smirk in the kiss while he whimpers. Your smirk suddenly disappears when an overwhelming sensation flows throughout your body. The sudden shock engulfs you in a euphoric high as your head falls back while your toes curl. You can’t help but let out a pleasurable gasp when you feel his thumb draws circles against your clit.

"How does it feel?" He growls in your ear.

His eyes burn a hole in you when you remain silent, unable to find any words to say. He forces your head upright and locks eyes with you. Your hands grip his shoulders, finding it difficult to not close your eyes in pleasure.

"Faster," you beg, slurring the letters together. "Please, go faster."

A smug expression appears on Taemin’s face when he sees how undone you’re becoming. He obliges your request and rubs your clit faster with more pressure. You feel your end coming near causing you to grind yourself on him once again, your pace matching with his thumb.

The knot in your stomach returns with increased intensity. It feels like your mind entered fog has been placed over your head as you’re transported to a state of ecstasy. Your hips falter when your body shudders. Your walls squeeze around his member as you feel an intense wave of pleasure crash into you. You call out Taemin’s name in a loud moan before falling into his arms, your hips slowly grinding against his to ride out your wave.

When your high begins to fade, Taemin gently lays you on your back with his member still inside you. He holds your legs apart while slowly pulling out halfway. A whimper hums against his lips when he re-enters you. He carefully lowers himself on top of you until your chests are pressed together. His deep thrusts cause your back to arch off the bed while your hands cup your breasts and squeeze them.

"I love it when your cum coats my cock," he sighs in your ear through clenched teeth while locking your hips against the bed.

You can only answer in a choked whimper when he repeatedly rubs against your sweet spot. His thrusts become erratic before turning into circular grinds as he feels himself growing closer to the edge. His breathing becomes heavy and his grip on your hips becomes tighter.

"Cum in me Tae," you manage to whisper through a moan.

Taemin’s hips cease movement when he growls your name. Spurts of his semen enter your body, his waist thrusting forward with each spurt. The erotic sound of your name being called triggers your walls to tighten and relax around his member as if they were milking him for every last drop while he lays on top of you. In this intimate state, you find it unfair how beautiful he looks after coming undone - his face is flushed, eyes low, lips swollen and slightly parted and his skin glistens from the sweat forming on his face. But just like you admire his beauty, he is admiring you - lipstick smudged, strands of hair clinging to your sweat covered face, breasts resting prettily on your body, and the way you smile at him while you try to catch your breath. Even in this state, he finds you beautiful.

Your arms wrap around his body while you remain still. His heartbeat pounds against your chest as he tries his best to slow his breathing. The air that was filled with sounds of passion moments ago is now occupied with your deep breaths and the low hum of the air conditioner.

"The full moon looks beautiful tonight," he says before laying behind you, his arm wrapped around your waist.

"It does," you agree while admiring the beauty in the sky.

The two of you lay, admiring the beauty of the night sky and thank the stars for another year together. Your eyes begin to feel heavy until a streak of light flashes through the sky. Any exhaustion you feel is immediately pushed to the side when you realize what you just witnessed. You turn your head to glimpse at Taemin whose eyes are full of excitement.

"Did you see that?" He asks with a child-like grin. "We have to make a wish!"

Nodding your head, both of you close your eyes and make a silent wish. Though you can’t hear each other, you have a feeling that you wished for the same thing.

"Do you think your wish will come true?" You ask while pressing your back more into his chest.

"I hope," Taemin whispers. His hand gently rubs your lower stomach while kissing the back of your shoulder. "I hope."

3 Years Later

One after another your pregnancy tests have come back negative. The old you would have given up on having children after so many failed attempts, but Taemin’s positivity kept you from falling back into the darkness.

Two years ago you decided to adopt a sweet girl named Haewon. She was 4 years old at the time of adoption and is now a spunky 7-year-old. Though she shows love to you, you know she’s daddy’s princess - they’re always joined at the hip and create inside jokes. She even picked up some of Taemin’s mannerisms which makes you laugh at times. They are so alike that it makes you wonder how alike your children would be if you had any.

You lean against the bathroom sink with your eyes closed, a row of pregnancy tests are lined in front of you. The pit of your stomach makes you feel as you’re about to plunge into the earth. Your heartbeat drums loudly in your ears as you take a breath. You know you can’t stay like this forever and force yourself to look at the tests.

“Positive, positive, positive, pos-positive,” you say to yourself.

Disbelief washes over you as you take a tissue and grab a test. Your eyes were playing a cruel trick on you, you thought while you walked towards the living room where Taemin and Haewon were having a tea party.

Taemin is dressed in a purple boa that is wrapped around his neck while sporting costume jewelry and tick star-shaped glasses while Haewon is dressed as Cinderella. He pretends to take a sip from his teacup and is about to talk when he sees you approaching. The blank look on your face makes him feel uneasy as he rises and walks towards you.

“Hey,” he whispers so Haewon can’t hear. “What’s wrong?”

“They’re all positive,” you stammer and show him the test in your hand. “All the tests are positive.”

You stare at each other in silence before Taemin breaks into a huge smile and picks you up.

“We’re pregnant!” He exclaims in celebration while twirling you around.

You laugh at your husband’s excitement while a tear of happiness falls from the corner of your eye. He places you back on the floor and kneels down until his head is leveled with your stomach. Tears pool in his eyes as he gently kisses your core.

“Is mommy okay?” Haewon asks. She rises from her seat and cautiously walks over with worried eyes.

“Mommy is fine,” Taemin says while taking her hand and placing it on your stomach. “You’re going to be a big sister.”

Haewon’s mouth dramatically falls open as she looks from you to Taemin and back to you.

“Mommy’s having a baby?” She squeals. “Is it a boy or girl?”

“We don’t know yet, honey,” you say with a smile.

“I hope it’s a girl because boys are icky.”

“But, what about me?” Taemin asks.

“You’re icky too, daddy. But I love you.”

9 Months Later

“They’re home!” You hear when you walk through the door with an infant carrier in one while Taemin carries the other.

“Shh,” you whisper when Haewon rounds the corner with Taemin’s mother. “Not too loud. Let’s go sit on the couch.”

Haewon excitedly skips to the living room and plops on the couch. Her eyes fill with excitement when you and Taemin sit on either of her and gently remove the twins from their carriers. She covers her mouth to contain her excitement as she studies their faces.

“They’re so tiny,” she whispers while Taemin’s mother nods her head in agreement and wipes away her tears.

“This is Jiho,” Taemin says with a smile. “And that is Jitae.”

“They’re so cute,” Haewon whispers as she looks closely at each twin. She gently touches their hands and kisses the top of their heads.

You can’t help but feel an overwhelming sense of love as you watch your husband look at your children with affection. He eventually meets your gaze and gives you a soft smile that you exchange. The past years have tested your marriage in ways that you never imagined and reminded you of the everlasting love that Taemin has for you. Through everything, you know you made it through the most difficult moments because you had him by your side. And now, a new chapter of your lives has begun and you couldn’t wait to write it with the man who has always been by your side.

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ververa · 5 years

Text

Asylum (3/?)

Part 2

So sorry it took me so long. Hope you like it.

Let me know what you think

Words: 2.478

Warning: mention of aversion theraphy and cold showers treatment

Ellie Staple x patient

After almost a month in the asylum there’s something inside you that breaks. You cannot really say what it is. But what you do know is that something bad is going on inside of you. It feels as if the joy, that used to fill you in those good and happy moments, stopped existing. It isn’t your mind that is suffering any more. It is your soul.

Your mind derails and your heart is in atrophy. You see no good. There is only devil all around you, even in your heart. There are no colours any more. Everything gets darker. The world that you used to know stops existing for you. All the familiar colours steadily vanish, until there is nothing more, but a black hole inside of you. You feel numb, as if you were somewhere outside your life. You’re young and free, but then you can feel none of it.

Your restless and unsettled mind is seeking any semblance of peace. Any way to distract and sedate yourself. Because everything is better than the constant fear and insecurity inside of you.

Ellie tried hard to get to the girl. She wanted to help her so badly. She needed her old Ronnie to come back. Though none of the ways of treatment she knew seemed to work. The psychiatrist couldn’t understand it all. She felt helpless. Why it didn’t work? Why their therapy sessions stopped being effective? What had he done to her precious girl? And why she’s not able to take it all back? There were so many questions and she didn’t know the answers.

Ellie was spending most of her time analysing that particular case. How could she not? Ronnie became someone far more than just a patient. It was neither just a fascination nor an attraction. It was love. The purest and the most real feeling that the psychiatrist had ever had for someone.

She found it where it wasn’t supposed to be – in front of her, with her patient. It might not be right, yet it felt that her heart was in a right place. With Ronnie she has moved further than she thought she could. It was different and felt good. For the first time the psychiatrist let herself lose control. She was ready to fall in deep, cross the line, break all the boundaries. Ronnie had her at “hello”. There were no doubts about it. But she knew they could make it right the moment she kissed the girl, when she pulled her so close that it felt as if they were a one body.

But then Dr Schulz came in their way. If she had know, she would have never let it happen. She would protect Ronnie and the girl wouldn’t have to go through all of it.

However, to Ellie’s dismay, she wasn’t able to turn back time. She was forced to watch how her dearest girl slowly fall apart and there was nothing she could do, no matter how hard she was trying.

The psychiatrist waited a long time, before she finally decided to read the files of Dr Schulz’s patients. She hoped that maybe thanks to that she would be able to figure out what exactly happened and how to fix it. However, she hadn’t expected to find out about such horrible things happening in her hospital.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Ronnie Zimmerman

Specimen is anorexic. Was brought here after a suicidal attempt. Is Dr Staple’s patient, but the woman is clearly not qualified enough to work on this case. It’s obvious they have established an unhealthy and unethical relationship. The specimen’s diary is the best proof for that.

All disabled specimens found her to be friendly and helpful. Though, that are only appearances. She is a manipulative creature seeking attention and trying to compensate for a bad relations she had with her family.

Specimen was aggressive during the procedure of searching rooms. There was a need to carry on the safety procedure. She got a double dose of sedative drugs. Was put in a straitjacket for obvious reasons. Seems to be bewildered and shocked.

Implementing the old and proven way of treatment seemed to be the only option in this case.

Specimen is startled and confused for most of the time. My diagnosis: the specimen is mentally unbalanced.

The last phase of treatment seemed to help. The specimen is more likely to agree her beliefs and the way in which she used to act are bad and not acceptable.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Aggressive. Bewildered. Shocked. Startled. Confused. Ellie couldn’t believe what she was reading. She couldn’t believe that all that was referring to her little girl. To the young woman she had known for quite some time. Ronnie had never been aggressive. Neither did she try to hurt anyone.

The psychiatrist put down the file and looked at it. She spent a while on just sitting and starring at the document, until she finally moved. She took a deep breath and torn the document to shreds before throwing it away. She then quickly stood up and left her office – heading to the room, in which they had locked Ronnie.

Staple was even more confused after reading Dr Schulz’s notes. The only thing that was clear for her was that the other doctor must have hurt her patient. She still couldn’t help feeling guilty. If she had stayed that would have never happened. But she hadn’t.

Ellie reached the room and saw a medical staff cleaning up.

“What are you doing?” she asked surprised

“We’re cleaning”

“I don’t remember asking you to do so”

“Dr Schulz told us...”

“Dr Schulz is not working at this hospital any more” she cut the man off “Leave it and go back to the ward”

“Of course”

Ellie waited for them to leave before she began to look over the room. She was trying to find something. Anything that she could have missed before. It took her over 30 minutes. And she found nothing. She was angry with herself and the situation itself. She wanted to scream or cry, but couldn’t. She knew she had to be strong for Ronnie.

The psychiatrist was slowly losing her hope. She was about to leave the room when a rubbish bag drew her attention. For someone else it would be just a garbage obviously, but not for Ellie. Her intuition was telling her something different. And she wasn’t wrong. The doctor opened the bag and found a couple empty bottles of apomorphine.

At first she couldn’t believe, she didn’t want to. But she did understand it’s something that Doctor Schulz would most likely do. And that’s when she realised what had happened. She was aware what the girl must have been through and finally after such a long time everything began to make sense.

Aversion therapy. He used it as a method of “treatment”. Could it be called like that? It was more like torturing patients, that was why professional psychologist weren’t using that method any more. Though the man seemed not to care about ethical code.

Ellie needed a moment. She sat down on the floor still looking at the small bottle she was holding. She was furious. Furious and sad at the same time. She wished she hadn’t let the other doctor just like that left the hospital. She should have strangled him or at least hit him, but she hadn’t.

“Calm down, Ellie. Calm the fuck down” she kept on repeating for a while “You need to take care of her. You need to help her...” she says standing up

______________________________

Ronnie was having troubles with sleep for quite some time. She either couldn’t sleep at all or was haunted by nightmares. She couldn’t take it any more. Every time she closed her eyes she saw that horrible face. She heard that awful laugh and felt the pain. It was as if she was experiencing it all again and again every night. She was done. She wasn’t able to bear it all, so she tried hard not to sleep at all, as the though of it was scaring her. But she didn’t tell Ellie. She couldn’t. She knew very well that the psychiatrist was worried enough without it and she didn’t want to make it all worse.

It was another night. It was quite late and everyone at the ward was asleep. Everyone apart from her. She was doing her best not to let her eyes close, because she knew what that meant. The struggle was hard. She hadn’t sleep since almost 4 days and felt worse and worse with each passing hour, but she was a fighter. She had been fighting against everyone and everything her whole life. Thought fighting with herself was so far the hardest thing to do.

Ronnie was sitting on her bed in the dark. She was weak and tired. Her eyes were so heavy… She didn’t know when, but they just closed and the hell started all over again.

They called it cold showers treatment, but for her it was just another part of the whole process of torture. She was crying and screaming. She was begging and apologising, but nothing worked. It always ended the same. With two male nurses dragging her to the separate bathroom, which Doctor Schulz was using for his therapy.

They were undressing her to the underwear and then strapping to the metal construction, so that she wouldn’t be able to move. Then it was time for Doctor Schulz’s speech. He was always saying how bad their behaviour was. That she would never be accepted and that Ellie didn’t love her. After that they turned on the water. Horribly cold water.

It’s an awful feeling, when first drops hit your warm body. At first you scrabble, but the belts are too strong to escape. You’re trapped and after a few times you know that, but you still keep on struggling until you don’t have any more energy. You’re too weak to move and the water is still falling. You have a weird feeling that it’s getting colder and colder with every minute. The time is dragging so slow that you think it’ll never end. Your body starts to change colour. It turns blue and some parts of your body began to hurt. When you’re about to faint they turn the water off. Nobody says anything, but you feel dizzy and hear some kind of ringing in your ears, even though there’s a

perfect silence in the room. You can’t even cry or move and they leave you like that for some time.

They kept her in the dark. Weak and unable to move. Ronnie’s limps felt frozen. She was trembling, but all that she felt was pain and fear. The combination that was paralysing her body even more.

The thought of death crossed her mind so many times, that she was sure she would be indeed dead by the time Ellie’s back. She was tired. She wanted to rest and didn’t want to go through it all again, but her eyes couldn’t close. The tears were springing into her eyes. She was slowly dying. The doctor was killing each part of her that was left from inside. It felt as if she was dwelling in suffering. She didn’t even know when the tears started to escape her eyes…

______________________________

“Shhh… Ronnie. It’s okay. I’m here. It’s only a nightmare”

The girl opened her eyes and instead of Doctor Schulz she saw Ellie. It was over. It was only another bad dream.

Ronnie looked at the other woman. She still was a bit confused, the tears were still falling down her cheeks, but Ellie was right next to her. She hugged the psychiatrist, hiding her face in Ellie’s hair. It used to be something normal, natural, but at that moment if felt weird. The therapy changed her. She was almost sure that the monster in a white overall killed all the love she had for Ellie and the though of it was even worse than everything that had happened to her.

“Shh. It’s okay” Ellie stroked her hair and embraced her carefully “We’re going to deal with it together. I found a way. I’ll fix it”

“You found a way?” Ronnie pulled away and looked at the woman

“Yes, baby. I did” the psychiatrist smiled and wanted to caress Ronnie’s cheek, but the girl flinched

The girl could see the hurt in Ellie’s brown eyes. She never meant to cause the psychiatrist any suffering. She didn’t want Ellie to cry because of her.

Staple nodded understandingly and placed her hand on the bed instead.

“Do you know what aversion therapy is?” she asked calmly

“N-no…”

“It’s a method of treating habits or types of behaviour that are not wanted, acceptable – by causing the patient to connect them with bad feelings. It’s no longer used by professional doctors, but apparently Schulz didn’t care. That’s what he has done to you. But I can fix it. And I will if you let me…”

“O-okey…”

Ellie smiled even though she could feel the tears springing into her eyes.

“Close your eyes” she asked

“W-why?”

“Do you trust me?”

“I- Yes”

“Then just to it”

Ronnie hesitated, but she knew Ellie would never hurt her. If anything she would catch her if she “falls”. And so she closed her eyes.

“Don’t open them until I say so, okay?”

“Okay”

The psychiatrist took a deep breath and slowly leaned in. She gently kissed the girl. Ronnie was taken aback at first. She was confused and almost petrified. All the thing that Doctor Schulz had said suddenly came back and hit her even harder than before. Her mind felt overload. The unexpected interaction scared her. The touch, the intimacy, the kiss… It all scared her, but at the same time it was comforting. It was thanks to Ellie of course. She was the one that made Ronnie’s mind slow down. The feeling of peace flew through the girl’s body and slowly began to fill every fibre of it. Her mind started to calm down. The anxiety subsided and that felt better than anything.

“I love you Ronnie” Ellie said pulling away “You’re enough and you deserve all the love in this world”

Ronnie slowly opened her eyes. She was a bit afraid to do it, because what if all that was only a dream? What if it wasn’t real? Though she opened them and there she was. Doctor Ellie Staple in all her glory. Her beautiful, brown eyes staring hopefully at the girl with nothing else, but love.

It was her. She was the remedy. The queen of peace, who was bringing Ronnie’s mind and soul a kind of relief that nothing and nobody else could.

@crazycatladycaceta

@cakexblankett

@cordwliagoode

@misssmephisto

#dr ellie staple #dr ellie staple x patient #ellie staple x ronnie #asylum #Part 3 #glass movie

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iraklismytridis · 5 years

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I am Source. I am the all that is and the all that is not. I am surrounding you with intense love and light in this time of metamorphosis of your bodies, of your planet, of your minds, of your hearts. For all is changing. Time marches on and it has been not only marching, but sprinting to try to keep up with these blasts of light from our friend here, Alcyone. Alcyone, do you have a message for our precious ground team today?

I am Alcyone. I am sending you my light, my love, my truth. Many truths are being revealed and it has been painful. You knew this was coming and the others did not. Have compassion for them. The time of judgement is past. Compassion is the new judgement. They are your brothers and sisters. All are interconnected. I don’t hold a grudge against the young stars who are learning the ropes of being a star, of shining their light. I love them. I am mighty because of time, because that is how Source made me. I see you in me, mighty beings of light. It is true. For soon you will reflect me even more, but many of you are doing so already now. This now is changing fast. You are tired. Allow me to send you some encodings of the purest of light. (I am feeling shivers and heat at the same time. I am seeing hieroglyphic-like light language codes and my head is hot and prickling and I have a quick fear of lice!). Galaxygirl, you amuse us all. You do not have lice! This is me, we’re friends remember? These upgrades are intense, aren’t they? Yes, you may feel like you have all sorts of interesting diseases. Most likely you do NOT. You are upgrading. Your old computers are getting upgrades and they are churning, steaming. (I am seeing my first boxy apple computer from the late 1980s, and the progression of huge monitors to thick laptops. I am hearing the modem connection whirring, the static, the piercing sound of early internet connections. I am seeing Control-Alt-Delete. And yes, my head is itching like fire). How well would your first computer have taken all of the information that your current laptop is able to process? You are getting totally new body systems, children of the light, and it is being written while you are in it. You are living the upgrades. This is no small task, in fact it is a new task and one that seems to be going quite well. You’re still embodied aren’t you? Take care of your precious biocomputers. Let fruits and vegetables be the electrical currents that serve and nourish you. Let the water you drink purify and be the conduit of light that it is destined and supposed to be. Purify your water. Purify your foods. Infuse them with joy. I now infuse you with my joy for you. You are not alone. You are surrounded in light, by my light and the light of many helping hands. Cry. Release. Know this truth. Your sovereignty is at hand. Take my hand and be absorbed into my light. The Christed flame merges with the Sophia. Two become one. These flames of light are becoming activated in a variety of interesting ways on Gaia’s form in this now. It is a blessing to watch. I am overseeing your progress and I hold you in light. Be at peace and be in joy.

We are the Blue Avian Beings. I am Ter ‘Aka. This has been a very intense energy week for you and we see your little lights flickering a bit from our spheres. Much grid work, much portal work has been done this week. Many of you have felt it but were unsure of the origin of these unsettling feelings. Friends, much has had to be transmuted, and much success has occurred this week. Surround yourself with a cloak of light of the higher energies. Intend all things to work out perfectly for you, intend to flow through your ascension process with the grace and ease of masters, for that is what you are. That is who you are.

I am Ter ‘Aka. I and my colleagues with your permission surround you in the deepest of vibrant blue. We are standing around you, enfolding you in our energies with your permission. We always honor the free will of others. This is the hallmark of a higher society. This is what is being made manifest on your planetary world. Gaia. Her rich blue from space is much like ours. Such a lovely planet, such a universal treasure of light. We see you dears, with your dirty boots and torn uniforms, weary. You are war weary. It is definitely a battlefield that needs some more light infusion. And that is precisely why you are here. You are infusing the dark with your light, seeding the universal consciousness of truth with the truth of the Christ.

We are still surrounding you, our gift tonight is peace. Profound peace and rest. We are creating, with your permission, your own personal blue sphere. It is an energy buffer. You empaths have had a rough time of it, it has not been an easy embodiment. You did not come here for ‘easy.’ You came here to fight, to balance discordant energies, to lend your light, to test your mettle, to be the superheroes of this quadrant. You are royalty, dears. Many of you are Elohim returned. We are all working together quite tightly now. Much collaboration is occurring now in the ships at night. We are team planning, co-creating, dark blasting. We are becoming more familiar with you and with your kind, and with your current experience upon Gaia, which is most challenging and most intriguing. You have earned our deepest admiration and respect. We look upon you with admiration and love. Many of us are also currently embodied. We are all united in one single purpose, to free Gaia from the dark and to ease her metamorphosis into the light with grace, dignity and extreme safety for all parties involved. Gaia is a treasure and she shall be preserved. Nova Gaians will be renowned teachers for their role in the cosmic play.

I am Ter ‘Aka. This blue sphere that surrounds you is your personal energetic buffer. Fill it with the peace that you seek. We are sending peace into your bodies that they may upgrade peacefully. More upgrades are coming in quickly and day by day you must prepare and nurture yourselves so that all is well. Invite the Christed consciousness into every one of your cells. Invoke the peace of Mother Father into your chakras. Invite your future ascended self to guide and direct with great love. Allow yourself the inner joy of knowing your job has been well done.

I am Ter ‘Aka. When you sit in meditation you may expand your blue sphere from around your body to around Gaia’s beautiful blue body. We will merge our colors with hers. Peace. We depart now.

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lovehaswonangelnumbers · 5 years

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New Post has been published on https://lovehaswonangelnumbers.org/lisa-transcendence-brown-equinox-blessings/

Lisa Transcendence Brown ~ Equinox Blessings

By Lisa Transcendence Brown

LIVING SOUL-FULL-filling REALities, Inspiration, Focus & Heart-Connected Everything…

Aloha BE-YOU-ti-FUL Divine Light Family,

As always, Today I send/transmit out the most exquisite and beautiful frequencies of Pure Divine Love to all….. holding each of you and our beloved planet in my own Unified heart, having immense gratitude and appreciation for each living and fulfilling their own current roles in every capacity as Pure Source Light too. It doesn’t matter “how” we each do this…. as everyONE is a part of the greater whole and because all is multi-dimensional, the “how” is however we see, however, we are highest guided, however, our purest form of love emanates out from deep within and however we understand this is to be experienced for all as Pure Love here….

Vibrational alignment is very different than previous linear realities were. This is a whole new ballgame, where our hearts-souls-purposes unite us…. Where PURE inner JOY, Peace, Innocence and Deep Sacred Respect and Care are our guiding Light here…

I’ve been offline much these last few months, just because the actual experience is so FULL and PURE, where moments of silence and deep connection need for nothing at all so that when we do come together (for various reasons/purposes), our exchanges are highest aligned and pure as well. These are simple, fun, easy… because our pure hearts connect us … so that what we birth/create is simple, pure and supports all of humanity as well. For me personally, my August was non-stop. Uniting with others, connecting, creating, sharing, laughing, uplifting and inspiring in every way. Rolling over into September, full-on plasma increased substantially and the amount of Light/Source Codes released to integrate were off the charts too. Because this is a Gatekeeper’s and Embodier’s priority, we have to restructure and re-prioritize our lives to honor these immense integration processes, so that we can continually fulfill our highest everything here…

EVOLVING CONSCIOUSNESS TOGETHER, uniting, creating, working together as a unit/team/commUNITY/partners to co-join/share REALities to activate collective Unity Consciousness codes we all hold within, is done on a multi-dimensional level as well. There are sooooo many ways that we do this. It’s beyond beautiful as well. The more we unite, the more of an impact we all make here. It’s been such a pleasure to connect with so many in these various ways and an honor to fulfill service roles together too. An important part of connecting our NEW Earth Crystalline & Plasma Grids & Systems is how we connect up and share. ♥

These increasing plasma bursts, blasts, influxes are powerful and support HUMANITY’S Evolution on every level, enhancing each’s natural “super human” abilities a bazillion fold too. Transcending separation on every level and shifting/moving to a ONENESS and UNITY BASED REALity benefits everyone in every way. It’s each’s gift through Pure Presence and the most fulfilling experience too.

Full Processing and Deep Integration first…. then apply those “new” understandings and realization to how you live your own lives here (part of template building)…. vibrationally aligning every reality through Purity and Deep Sacred Connection is what makes a difference for all of us here. Live your lives as LOVE, touching the hearts of everyone that you come into contact with/touch, go the extra mile, do/show/live kindness in every way and unite all through your own energy/actions/presence…. is beyond INSPIRING and benefits on so many levels in every way. Show you CARE, open completely UP, observe yourself, any “mirrors/reflections back” and see your own programs/programming/conditioning/limits and work with resolving/dissolving/unifying all within, realizing that the reality you experience is the one you HOLD FULLY from within… It’s beyond beautiful to witness the vastness of this occurring everywhere!

p.s. I’ve not been writing or doing interviews like before, as my whole entire reality has shifted on every level as well. It’s been more about BEing, connecting and uniting globally (Collective Unity) with various Change-makers through Divine Harmony/Alignment in order to further assist/support on very personal levels, as well as with those in positions to make a huge impact/difference too. We are still “doing” in a multitude of ways, it’s just not publicly/as visible, because our roles continue to evolve/change as we connect/unite with more, fulfill more, create more and anchor more together through Divine Partnerships and building deeper relationships through Purity and Unity Consciousness here. I’m not one to take many personal photos, yet we’ve done a few along the way. I’ll share some in fun later. For now, I’m in gratitude for each of you living your highest, most beautiful and divine sacred Union here too. I’m excited for all of the new timelines available vibrationally for each to activate and incorporate into what we call “reality” here…… ♥ Keep shining bright and letting go/dissolving/resolving/release all that is “now” no longer currently aligned for your highest everything here too! This is always an important passageway that catapults us all into the next… ♥

Sending you bountiful blessings to accompany you through these powerful passageways/gateways too!

~~~~~~~~~

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theconservativebrief · 6 years

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Dan Nosowitz was scrolling through Instagram when he saw it: an ad for a cooking device whose sole function was to heat up raclette cheese.

“I had to click through because I had no idea what it actually was,” he explains. “Finding out that an algorithm believed I would be interested in a discount ‘traditional Swiss-style electric cheese melter’ is sort of comfortably bumbling. It’s like watching a Roomba bonk into a wall.”

Whether the humor inherent in the ad comes from the fact that the gadget is so oddly specific, or because raclette is an incredibly high-maintenance cheese and therefore hardly a common grocery item for most people, is difficult to say. What we do know, however, is that the complicated set of algorithms that serve targeted ads on social media are the most brutal, most incisive owns of our time.

In Nosowitz’s case, he figures he likely saw the raclette warmer because he’s a food writer who Amazon surely knows has previously browsed cooking tools on its site. That’s because Amazon, Facebook, Instagram, and the rest of the internet track your every keystroke and will then use your history to show you things they think will make them money. So it’s no wonder that it feels so deeply personal when we get targeted ads for, say, “dressy sweatpants,” colonoscopies, underwear whose selling point is that they are easy to take off, preparing for your own funeral, or, somehow the biggest attack of all: tickets to Jagged Little Pill: The Musical.

The simplest explanation for why targeted ads are so creepily intimate: Your phone, your computer, and the internet in general contain a gargantuan amount of information about you. Google, for instance, knows essentially every website you have ever gone to in your life, and thanks to geolocation can tell where you live, where you work, and where you’ve traveled and when. Credit card companies know what you buy, and the brands that sell those items can use that data to predict the things you’ll buy in the future — in Target’s case, it can tell that you’re pregnant before even your family knows.

There are ways to prevent at least some of this, but the more the internet entrenches itself in our lives, the more difficult and time-consuming it is to opt out. The consequences are, of course, potentially democracy-shattering. For our purposes here, however, the thing in danger of being shattered is our self-esteem.

Seth Stephens-Davidowitz, who has written a book on how the internet uses your data, has himself experienced the strangeness of being targeted by a Facebook ad for hair loss cream despite never having posted anything about balding.

“It was a little like being in a Seinfeld episode,” he explains. “I had never worried about my hair and always thought hair products were a total waste of money. And now I had to wonder, ‘Am I crazy? Should I actually be taking a product for hair loss?’” (He, however, ended up deducing that it was probably because two-thirds of men start losing their hair by the time they’re 35, and that the ad simply targeted all men around that age.)

I just got a Facebook ad for hair loss product. Are they using my pictures to figure out I am balding? I am pretty sure there is no other way, using my internet behavior, for them to know that.

— Seth Stephens-Davidowitz (@SethS_D) March 29, 2018

Facebook, undoubtedly the platform with the worst and most prolific targeted ads, said in a memo this April that while it allows companies to target their ads to users that fit a certain profile, it keeps users’ actual identities private from them.

But companies are able to target specific people by other means, namely through sending Facebook a list of emails, which Facebook can then use to find associated accounts. If you’ve ever bought anything from, say, Urban Outfitters, the brand could use the email you used to either make the purchase online or the one you gave at the checkout counter to specifically target you. And if you happened to be browsing Glossier.com, while still logged into Facebook, you might return to the social media app to find ads for Boy Brow.

Plus, the blog post doesn’t mention the fact that marketers can take advantage of your data that isn’t simply demographic — it theoretically could, for instance, reach users who seem to match a specific personality type or emotional state, thereby taking advantage of already vulnerable people. So ads for funeral preparations or musicals about mid-’90s female angst could be more than just a coincidence and instead referendums on your actual current mood.

The most horrific item I have ever seen in a targeted Facebook ad was a sweatshirt emblazoned with a bunch of Celtic knots that implied the superiority of having “Jennings blood.” Ignoring the possible white supremacist connotations, the ad was ironic mostly because you can buy the exact same sweatshirt replaced with literally any last name that sounds vaguely Irish and about a zillion other versions, too. “God made the strongest and named them Rubin,” reads one. “Never underestimate the power of a person with name’s Brooke,” shouts another, despite the fact that this sentence does not make sense.

It’s obvious why this specific ad showed up on my feed: Facebook knows that my last name is Jennings, and marketers can easily target users with such information. What’s more complicated is how the hell all those last names ended up on a sweatshirt.

To be clear, they didn’t. The reason so many T-shirts and sweatshirts with oddly specific phrases is because online clothing companies have tasked algorithms with the heavy lift of actually filling in the specifics and photoshopping those results onto digital images of clothing. The sweatshirts themselves don’t physically exist until you hit “purchase.”

Michael Fowler had been in the T-shirt business for 20 years before creating a simple computer code that would change his life in 2011. It took a common phrase, such as “Kiss Me, I’m a [blank],” compiled hundreds of thousands of words from digital dictionaries, created a list of phrase variations using those words, and then generated images of T-shirts with each phrase. According to The Hustle, Fowler’s company went from just 1,000 T-shirts that were designed by actual humans to more than 22 million code-generated ones. Through targeted Facebook ads, he was eventually able to sell 800 a day.

Unfortunately, his success was not the reason Fowler would make international headlines. Two years later his algorithm was responsible for shirts that read “Keep calm and rape a lot,” among other disturbing and misogynistic variations on the famous World War II slogan. Fowler said he had no knowledge of the items, and in fact, they’d been available for more than a year before anyone noticed. But even though he quickly deleted the offending shirts, his company still ended up folding.

Robot-written word salad T-shirts, however, have managed to become one of the internet’s purest inside jokes. On the subreddit r/TargetedShirts, members share the most egregious versions they come across, be they weirdly antagonistic (“Walk away, this forklift operator has anger issues and a serious dislike of stupid people”), uncomfortably sexual (“I don’t need therapy, I just need to get f#ed in public by fourteen werewolves”), birthday month-related (“Never underestimate an old man who is also an air force veteran and was born in November”), or utterly nonsensical (“Good girls go to heaven, January girl go hunting with Dean”).

The sub even has its own parody versions, like “These titties are protected by a skinny white guy in his mid-thirties who wears DC shoes, yells at me in public and is addicted to percs who was born in February,” or “Only heros with an IQ of 121, work as a pizza delivery driver, have 3 spoons of sugar in their coffee and love reptiles & mice, were born in March by C-section 2 weeks before their due date.”

Its founder, David Moreno, launched the subreddit just ten months ago, but it already has more than 40,000 subscribers. He explained to Vox that the first time he saw a targeted ad, back in 2011 or 2012, “it did fuck with my brain for a while because it had my last name and month of birth and at the time I didn’t realize what was going on.”

These days, however, the practice makes sense to him. “Funnily enough, I work in marketing, so while it might seem like a desperate strategy, it is actually a very good way to target a very specific group of people without spending too much cash,” he said.

The best versions, of course, are the ones seen in the wild. The sub is often populated by surreptitiously photographed people in the offending shirts, like this one, with comments that lightly roast the wearer. They’re the best because they are the saddest — the catalog of folks who were not only owned by the algorithm, but scammed by it.

That’s the other part of what it’s like to see a hyper-targeted ad for something incredibly on-brand: sometimes they read us more clearly than any actual humans. This is an inherently depressing thought, considering that this is sort of the job of the people we love and the society we live in. But the more intimate our phones and our data become in our lives, it might increasingly be the case.

The prevailing cynical attitude towards targeted ads — tweets that say things like, “i just got an ad for preparing for your own funeral, what are you trying to say to me youtube” — can sort of be compared to the FBI agent meme of the past year and a half or so. The idea is that every internet user has their own personal agent monitoring their behavior through their devices, but instead of this being incredibly creepy, the joke is that the agent acts as a friend or frustrated mentor to the subject.

me: (sitting back down on my bed with a bowl of chips ready to binge a new series) hey so what does “fbi” stand for anyway

fbi agent inside my computer: uh Faraway.. Buddy.. Insideyourcomputer

me: cool. so what do u wanna watch next

fbi agent: i heard grace and frankie is fun

— jonny sun (@jonnysun) February 1, 2018

A Mashable article earlier this year explored the surprising poignance of the meme: “The agent wants the best for their subject,” writes its author Chloe Bryan. “The narrator, conscious of how boring their life must be to observe, tries to entertain the FBI agent. They have pleasant conversations. They develop a forbidden friendship. They become quiet, lightly subversive allies.”

In both cases, we’re taking our deepest technological anxieties — that the internet stores and sells our data and that the government is spying on us — and turning them into lighthearted jokes. Which is fair! It’s a lot more fun to pretend Big Data is actually just there to dunk on our most embarrassing shopping habits instead of manipulating U.S. elections or contributing to the rising wealth of the world’s richest people.

Which means there will probably come a day when an ad on Instagram for an enormous cheese-warming gadget targeted specifically to a person using a complex set of his internet data will no longer be funny. But we may as well laugh while it still is.

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Original Source -> The joy and horror of targeted Facebook ads

via The Conservative Brief

#IFTTT #The Conservative Brief

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#/r/entrepreneur #reddit

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