#this commentary was messy and i seem so negative

[raraavisalterego]

To the Wonder (2024) Ep1

(A quick intro)

So i have to say i went into this drama with high expectations based on the cast, the cannes and peoples opinion i had seen. And i was a bit meh in the beginning. The first 2 eps are the lowest point of the drama (which is not bad by any means) but i really enjoy it as a whole. I´d say i enjoy it more than the actual quality of it, like it is good but its better for me because i like it, know what i mean?

I will be writing this as i rewatch . Also like im not going to spell/grammar check this so there may be mistakes

(lets get into it, its going to be loooong and SPOILERS)

"So in the coldest and longest days in winter, no set of footprints can lead to my home"

I really like the intro, gurl set that tone

Damn 3mins and im already glad that i am rewatching, the birch!

(just coping this here for later)

But i do find it curious that an young artist does not know what they want, how does one experience the feeling of wanting to create without a vision of ones creation? i guess insecurity plays a part on it but its something you dont see often

the way the camera panned here made me think this lady was going to be someone later on, is she the writer-housewife? ill see

Girl we will be able to tell... An yet (i am not knowledged in how altay is) one would think that the county seat is still quite "rural" for how city-like they have written Wenxiu to be, and eh i dont know if its the same in the novel but its definately something that made me go ??? at some moments later

the icon, the legend, speak your truth

and now this rat

we will get back to virginia woolf later on, nice

also another note, for someone who loves writting we never see her read, but there is a respect conveyed with straightening the frame that i liked

ok now we are on the village

Like why are we saying hello in mandarin to the neighbours. Here we have thing nº1 that bothered me: you live here, maybe before in a less rural area but still, and you dont know shit in kazak. And i get that she is han, that at home and at the school she went they spoke in mandarin, that they are closed off in their communities, that everyone has to adapt to them and not the other way around. But with all this considered i would still expect her to know some, like a greeting, like thank you. If this is what is normal irl yikes.

Because i understand its use to define a line and she is written to make the viewer feel like an outsider, but too much. Write her a greating please cmon. An ick of mine. Lets move on

We go from watching wuxia on tv to nature documentary to 200m dash, who told you to change the channel!

Exactly: baby. (but i feel this is a minstraslation)

Good point to talk about thing nº2 that bothered me. (it looks like im only talking shit but trust i love this). Ok this happened mainly before starting to watch it. I read the sinopsis and it says Yushi is playing Batay a kazakh and im like wait a minute, he is not. I liked him a lot on fengshen and i knew he can ride a horse pretty well an that is a positive here. So when i started watching and i hear him talk im surprised by the quality of the dubbing, he has the same voice! Then i found out its actually him, nice, another positive. Overall, would i wish that the main actor was kazakh? yes; where the chances high for that? no; am i satisfied with the end result? pretty much.

Also i find him really atractive so...

XD. But its a real thing.

Cute

Ok they have mentioned the county they live in: fuyun, total population of the county 99k, 54% kazakh. Point nº1 stands.

yes

"We are practically living like vagrants" watch what you say, in a couple eps you will be all in for that seminomadic life bby

[yourqueenb]

You are so right in your distaste for Blades book 2. No matter how great things get near the end, a majority of the book was horrible. They led us along like mouse to cheese. It’s inexcusable to play with their audience this way.

I only wish more people were less willing to excuse PB’s mediocrity. The signs were on the wall for me when DLS was flat out better than Blades 2, and it’s narratively quite simple. The story told was well paced, thought out, and above all kept us waiting for more each week. I cannot say the same for B2. That is sad.

I mean I do understand why people still enjoyed it and were willing to overlook the negative aspects or didn’t have much of a problem with them to begin with. Blades 1 was a fan favorite, we all missed these characters a lot, and many people (myself included at one point) didn’t believe we would actually get book 2 because of all the bait and switches PB had done in the past. But the first two things are why I personally couldn’t overlook the glaring issues.

I can’t remember who the OP was now, but I remember seeing a post from when book 2 only had a few chapters out where someone said something about it seeming like the writers learned all the wrong things about what made the book so good, and I couldn’t agree with that person more! Yeah, book 1 was good because it was different from anything we had ever gotten before. But I think the main reason it was so good was because of the characters as individuals and the relationships we got to form with those individuals to ultimately become a family. Yet they didn’t really acknowledge those individuals or relationships in ways that did them justice for the majority of book 2. And on top of that, MC’s own characterization was inconsistent at times because the writers picked and chose when they wanted us to be a competent leader and when they wanted us to be virtually clueless for plot convenience.

Book 1 was also relatively straightforward whereas it seemed like the writers wanted to turn the sequel into their own personal commentary on religion, which is an incredibly complex topic in itself. They had some social commentary in book 1, but it was done a lot better in my opinion because it didn’t take so much of a front seat. They managed to make it clear that that commentary was important and relevant to the writers, the characters, and the readers living in the real world while never robbing book 1 of that fun adventure game used for escapism feel. Meanwhile, book 2 almost felt like ‘Rising Tides but make it religion’ at times. And that’s on top of all of the other issues I’ve already mentioned in my previous posts.

I will say that I can see how there’s usually a lot of pressure to blow things out of the water for a sequel to something so beloved, and that most likely contributed to how things played out. So maybe I’m being a bit too harsh in my judgement of everything. But I still find it very disappointing to wait so long for something just for it to be so messy and miss the mark by a mile

[haintxblue]

still haven't deleted cos I can't get my art blog to download/back up for some reason and keep forgetting to retry

Spoiler free review ahead

Anyway since I'm still here: interesting experience with monkey man where I agree with almost all of the negative reviews but still liked it a lot. I am guessing maybe I just have different priorities from the bad reviewers so what's deal breakers to them were just minor drawbacks to me.

With that said I do get why a lot of people are going to find it frustrating. It really needed a much more brutal editor and maybe a little script doctoring in the back half. It feels a little bit like it knows it's a movie that's more style than substance but it keeps reaching for the substance and falling down (an apt metaphor, if you've seen it). And there's about fifteen minutes in the middle that could have come out entirely to no detriment whatsoever, in what feels like an attempt to bandage two things together that maybe didn't even need it and felt like they were building towards a reveal that, if it came, didn't seem like a reveal to me. There was also a scene near the end that was basically like "`what was even the point of that" that desperately needed cutting imo, it was only about forty seconds but it took me out pretty hard.

I think maybe the movie knows it's trying to do too much in some ways, but also I think it's ok for an action movie to just let things be set dressing. I do get why people are uncomfortable when the set dressing is sociopolitical commentary, but that doesn't bother me so much as the feeling that it knows it's failing to make it more than set dressing, halfheartedly attempting to course correct, and failing. Would have been better to lean in.

With all that said I thoroughly enjoyed it. I'm pretty hard to put off if the experience is mostly enjoyable, and it was to me. I read some people saying the fight scenes were hard to follow in the front half and strongly disagree, though - I normally struggle to follow messy chaotic frenetic fights on screen and I never felt confused. It's also pretty clear to me that the difference in the way the fights were shot and cut from the first half to the second was VERY intentional and in keeping with the movie thematically.

[jfjo95]

ROE

It’s taken me a minute to say something about roe vs wade because truly I was left speechless. As someone who’s had to make that decision for myself it’s been personally mentally tolling. It’s been even more tragic to watch peoples commentary against the senario without any lack of sympathy for women today. I really am having a horrible time wrapping my head around it all.

In April 2018 I found out I was pregnant. I was 22 in a messy relationship and completely unfit for my vision of being a mother. Not for one second did I question keeping it. Being a young mother was not in the cards for me. Having children was not in the cards for me. Being financially unstable was not in the cards for me. Potentially not having a supportive father for my child was not in the cards for me. But truly looking back this wasn’t about me. It was about doing everything the right way to make sure if I had children I’d be in the right scenario in every which way where for not one second that child would have to struggle. That is the last thing on earth I would want for them.

As soon as I found out I had called planned parenthood and made an appointment. I had to wait two weeks before I could go in. Those two weeks seemed to last a life time. Not to mention one week fell on Mother’s Day. I decided to wait until the day before the procedure to tell whom would have been the father of my child what was actually going on. I sat there silent. Afraid of what he might say but that didn’t matter my mind was already made up. IT WAS MY BODY AFTER ALL. Ultimately we talked it out but I was dead set on my decision. We both grew up with complicated parental relationships and figured it was for the best. That being said they make you do two appointments one where they do a ultrasound and counseling to make sure you want to make a final decision. Then finally the procedure a week or two later. Though I was honestly terrified looking back they were BEYOND helpful. I scraped my bank account for the 1500 to have a abortion my insurance wouldn’t take it and the father wasn’t supportive financially. Shocker. That would ultimately be the demise of that relationship.

Looking back 4 years later I still don’t have the right words. I will say having a abortion at 22 did truly save my life. It’s made me a stronger individual. It’s made me have a different outlook on life. I believe in making your own choices. That being said I am only a tiny part of the story.

Abortions are much more than choosing to not have a child. This comes into play with victims of rape. Women who miscarry. Those two things I will never have a understanding of but I do have sympathy. Abortions are apart of womens health care. Women will Die from this whole the whole Supreme Court watches. A small 4 years and I still can’t help to think of what would had happened to me now if I was in that senario. I’m a firm believer of everyone not agreeing but I’m also standing true by saying get your hands off my mf body. I’m also a firm believer in making your own decisions. Not one part of me holds any negative emotion about keeping their child. But I do have a whole lot of anger for the people who feel it is just to tell me that I must do so.

So rightfully so I will sign off with this.

Ladies keep fighting I am so sorry we have been stripped of our constitutional rights. Keep sharing links to resources, donate to abortion funds find ways to be a activist in real life not just over a keyboard.

As for you:

Chief Justice John Roberts

Justice Samuel Alito

Justice Clarence Thomas

Justice Neil Gorsuch

Justice Brett Kavanaugh

Justice Amy Coney Barrett

Your day will simply come. I pray that none of you ever have to go through anything that you are putting the millions of women in your country through. But I find that karma always truly comes through one way or another.

That being said simply from the most sincere part of my soul. Fuck yourselves. Just because God forgives does not mean we do. 💜

[anthonyjlockwood]

4. “I don’t want you to go.” “Then I won’t.” for Alex/Luke/Willie? Or just Luke/Willie if you prefer.

omg alex i'm sorry this took ✨forever✨ and is so bad 

but, here you go 💕

~

Alex is used to not being able to get everything he wants.

Supportive parents, for one. Peace and quiet, a slightly better grade in math class— he knows he can’t have it all.

Which is why he’s grateful for what he does have. He tries to focus on the positives instead of the negatives. The stuff he can call his, instead of the stuff that’s off-limits.

And one of those off-limits things is Luke Patterson.

When Alex met Luke, he thought he was one of the most annoying people in the world. And he loved him for it— he still does. Alex’s life wouldn’t be the same without Luke’s loud laugh, impulsive behavior, and killer instincts for music, artistry, and troublemaking.

And maybe, just maybe, there’s a little space in Alex’s heart that’s reserved for Luke alone. One that’s never been filled, just barely satiated by the friendship Alex has been lucky to hold onto for all this time.

The something more he’s refusing to let himself want is another thing entirely.

He can’t want it, because that space in his heart that he used to think would only ever be Luke’s has an occupant now, another very loud, very impulsive, funny, caring skateboarder. With scratches on his knees and dimples on his cheeks and long hair that Alex loves running his fingers through.

Alex loves Willie. Willie’s not some substitute for the life that Alex can’t have with Luke. Willie is everything; he completes Alex in a way that no one else could, and it’s all fine. It’s all great.

Except part of his heart is still aching for something.

He doesn’t know why. It’s not like he’s lacking anything; if anything, his heart’s bursting at the seams with love and appreciation for things he’d never thought he’d get. He has friends that love him – that have taken the place of family – and he has Willie, a love that he was always convinced he wouldn’t ever be worthy enough to call his. It’s ridiculous – borderline ungrateful – that he’s thinking about Luke when he has all this. In the quiet of nighttime, when Willie’s arms are wrapped around him, his warm breath against Alex’s neck, all Alex can think about is how there’s still room on the bed for one more person.

It doesn’t really help that Willie seems to love Luke, too. Not like Alex does – but in the way Alex should, like the amazing friend Luke’s always been.

Some days, Alex hates himself for feeling this way. For not being able to fully invest himself in Willie because of the lingering feelings for Luke. So he always tries to just lose himself in Willie’s passion for life instead. He ignores what’s just under the surface, letting his very real, very profound love for Willie consume him until it’s hard to even think about anything else.

It isn’t difficult. Willie’s presence is loud and his laugh is contagious, and Alex feels so alive when he’s with him. He’s not missing anything. He has more than he deserves. So he just… forces it to be enough.

And he might have even been able to push the feelings for Luke down entirely, if not for a conversation Willie pulled him into against his will, one morning in early December.

“Do you think Luke’s hot?”

All of Alex’s words died in his throat; whatever he’d been about to say about their plans for the day just stuck there, and he choked for a moment as if he’d swallowed a whole lemon. Willie stared back at him, completely unphased, with that small, uncertain smile he uses when he wants something but isn’t really sure how to ask for it.

Alex stares at Willie in alarm, wondering how and when his method of using sarcastic commentary to hide his true feelings could have possibly failed him. And a small part of him melts with the knowledge that Willie could read him almost as easily as he could read Luke’s messy scrawls in his songbook — something that was supposed to be incomprehensible deciphered perfectly by just the right person.

Willie doesn’t seem to get discouraged by his boyfriend’s lack of response, though. Alex’s face seems to tell him all he needs to know. He huffs out a laugh, raising his eyebrows, waving a hand at Alex to call his attention back. “Hellooo? Babe, you there? I just asked a simple question…” his small smile turns into an impish grin as he continues, “didn’t mean to make you have what looks like another gay crisis over your best friend. I’ve seen him in all those cut-off tees, though. You’re totally valid.”

“Willie—“

“How long’s it been?” Willie asks, reaching forward to grab one of Alex’s hands in his, stopping him from nervously picking his cuticles. Alex jumps at the contact and pulls away from him, staring at him with wide, uncertain eyes.

“What do you—“

“I’m not upset, Alex, I promise,” Willie soothes. “I just wanna know.”

Alex’s eyes trail across Willie’s face, but they find nothing but understanding and concern. Willie’s looking back at him with so much love and trust – and, because it’s Willie, Alex can see a glint of amusement in them, too. But whatever it is about Willie that looks comforting and familiar stops there. Because aside from his eyes and his smile that he’s trying to play off as confident, Willie is otherwise still. And that’s a bad sign; Alex can’t even remember the last time Willie sat still. Not fidgeting with his own hands or Alex’s, not tapping his foot or jiggling his leg. Not readjusting his position three times a minute. Right now, Willie’s just staring at Alex, waiting for a response, and Alex can tell that whatever happens next depends exactly on what he says. It’s a lot of pressure, knowing that Willie’s normally unwavering happiness is fragile in his hands, like a glass orb that’s in danger of rolling right out of his grasp and shattering. Willie holds Alex up, and right now Alex is capable of completely breaking his heart. He’s never really been good with words. He’s never really been good with people – but, he keeps having to remind himself, Willie isn’t ‘people’. If there’s anybody that would understand Alex’s heart right now, when he’s so uncertain… it would be Willie.

But Alex also has plenty of experience with people not receiving his secrets well. His friends have been nothing but kind and understanding – something that his parents never were. And Willie has been by his side for as long as he cares to remember, with his own unwavering support. So why does Alex feel like he’s about to throw the both of them off the edge of a cliff without a parachute?

You’re wrong for feeling like this.

You’re going to break his heart.

It’s Willie, of course he’ll understand. He asked.

Finally, Alex squeezes his eyes shut tight and decides to take the plunge, hoping that he can at least be there to cushion Willie’s fall.

“Luke…” he swallows, pausing to look up at Willie, wanting to see his expression shift to betrayal and disgust — it’s nothing less than he deserves. “He’s been there— we’ve been through so much together. I… he’s just, always been around, you know? And… I’m not sure if we’d even work like that, but…” he takes a deep breath, finally breaking eye contact to look down at a stain on the sofa. “I love him.”

Alex loves Willie. He loves his stupidly long hair and his mismatched socks and the way he can make riding a skateboard look easy. He loves that Willie’s the most alive person he’s ever met. He loves that Willie is brave, and kind, and reckless.

And he really loves his boyfriend’s unpredictability— even though sometimes, it gives him headaches.

“I don’t blame you,” Willie grins. “Luke’s hot.”

Alex hits the ground.

Willie is still in his arms – and, instead of crashing hard against the Earth, they seem to have landed on a trampoline, heading right back up to the clouds.

Willie… doesn’t blame him? But – why did he even ask in the first place? How is he okay with any of this?

“You– you’re okay with it?” Alex’s breath gets caught in his throat as he chokes out, “wait, why– why are you even asking me that? Do you know something I don’t? Are you mad at me? Willie, I– this– I never meant for this to happen, I swear. You don’t have to pretend to be cool with me possibly liking my best friend. You’re allowed to be angry. You can leave, even. Dump me, ‘cause I don’t know what the hell I’m doing here and I’m probably just going to hurt you and–”

“You done telling me what I should do yet?”

Willie cuts Alex off, grabbing both his hands and rubbing his thumbs against the backs of them soothingly. But when Alex doesn’t relax, Willie’s smile fades.

“Alex, listen…”

His voice is more serious than Alex has ever heard it before, and it sends a slight shiver down his spine. He’s not used to things being solemn around Willie; the other boy has always known how to cheer Alex up, pull him out of a dark place. He always lightens the mood, brightens the room. It’s strange to see him so… patient. “If you think there’s something there, with Luke, I can’t tell you not to go for it. It wouldn’t be fair. You’ve known him way longer than me. He might even be better for you than me. He—“

“Willie, don’t say that,” Alex cuts him off. “I love you. I want to be with you.”

“You know…” he pauses, taking in a deep breath. “It’s possible to… want that with more than one person at a time.”

“Do we— do we have to unpack that right now?”

“If you want it with Luke, I just… I wouldn’t be against it, is all.” Willie’s smile is back, and the room’s lit up once again. Alex feels the relief drop down from his head to his toes, like he’s swallowed a mint after the worst dinner of his life. “Think about it, okay? Don’t sell yourself short. I’m gonna be around no matter what.”

“How are you so cool about this?”

“It’s like I said, Hot Dog,” Willie shrugs. “I don’t blame you. It’s Luke. There’s… a lot about Luke to like. He’s funny, and passionate, and talented, and you’ve known him for years. It makes sense.”

“It– it does?” Alex splutters.

“Of course it does.”

Then, because it is Willie, after all… “Plus, have you seen him without a shirt on? Damn.”

-

Alex never really gets a chance to think about his possible feelings for Luke after that. (Well, he gets plenty of chances, plenty of quiet moments where he could’ve allowed himself to be alone with his thoughts— but that feels like he’s heading straight into the path of a tornado, one that’s about to upend his life and make it completely different than it has been, and he doesn’t know if he’s going to land upright.)

Things with Willie are safe. They’re the same. They’re not risking happiness and safety and a decade-long friendship. So why can’t Alex just be happy with the way things are? He’s never been one to seek out change. So why are Willie’s words festering in the back of his head like an open wound? A wound that Luke himself is the medicine for? It doesn’t make any sense.

But all of that is destroyed one night, when he’s sitting on the couch in Bobby’s garage with Willie, enjoying the quiet of the late hours and the freedom to come and go from there as they please.

It’s interrupted by rustling of bushes and fumbling with the garage door, and a sniffling boy with a duffel bag over his shoulder. His eyes are panicked, and when he looks up Alex can see the tears pooling in them, too.

“I didn’t know where else to go.”

Luke looks more disheveled than Alex has ever seen him; his baggy shirt hangs off one shoulder, his hair’s messy even underneath his beanie. He’s restless; pacing in front of the garage door.

Alex exchanges a brief look of concern with Willie, and his boyfriend steps up to block Luke’s path.

“Hey,” Willie catches Luke’s arm gently as he blows past, and Luke stills. Willie leads him over to the couch, and Alex follows; they sit down, placing Luke between them. Luke relaxes into the cushions.

Alex watches him for a moment, making sure he’s not going to speak first.

“If you don’t know where else to go, you can always come find us.”

“But you were here first,” Luke croaks. “I’m always— always intruding. Always sticking my nose in where it doesn’t belong. You guys deserve your own time. Just because I couldn’t get along with my mom for one freaking night—“

“You’re not intruding,” Alex argues.

“You guys don’t wanna hear about how I couldn’t keep my shit together in front of my mom again.”

Luke looks down, avoiding eye contact by playing with the chain attached to his jeans. They sit in silence for a moment; the only sound is the jingling of the chain as Luke works it through his restless fingers.

Alex doesn’t know what to do. Normally he wouldn’t hold back – he’d want to get the story out of Luke, so that he could help Luke figure out what to do next. Alex might be pretty useless when it comes to parents, but one thing he definitely knows about is how to keep moving forward. Luke likes to brood and dwell on the past; and, worse, he prefers to do it without telling his friends anything. But Alex doesn’t like being left out, especially when his friends are having problems.

One glance over to Willie shows him that his boyfriend is thinking the same thing. Willie, though, usually hates conflict or confrontation of any sort – he’d be perfectly willing to let Luke brood instead of facing his wrath. His eyes are wide and uncertain as he stares at Alex, waiting for him to lead the three of them through… whatever this is.

“If you wanna talk about it,” Alex starts off slowly, “we do want to hear it, Luke.”

But talking isn’t something Luke likes to do. He prefers getting his feelings out through songs. Songs that he then plays off in their band rehearsals like they’re about nothing in particular at all. Showing them off, teaching his friends how to play them, focusing on the chord progressions and pretending the lyrics didn’t come from such a negative place in his mind. Conveniently ignoring the meanings behind them, in front of his bandmates, in favor of turning the negative into something positive. Something enjoyable.

Alex doesn’t work like that. He’s never even had a feeling he hasn’t had to thoroughly overanalyze. Willie doesn’t work that way either; he prefers reassurance, the knowledge that he’s not alone, and even guidance through the hard moments.

He just wants to get Luke to stay. For now, that’s what’s most important – that he’s safe, and that he’s here with two of the people who care most about him. Alex won’t push. As much as he wants to, he has to work at Luke’s pace.

He’s just opening his mouth to tell Luke they should watch a movie, or do some other distracting thing, when Luke moves to get up off the couch.

“I should probably just go.”

“No, Luke,” Willie cuts him off. “Stay with us. Please.”

Alex was prepared to argue, but instead he feels a swell of affection and pride as he realizes that, once again, he and Willie are on the same page. They both want Luke to stay. They both want Luke safe – and, the voice in the back of Alex’s head reminds him, that’s not all they want. But right now, it is the priority, and Alex is just glad that Willie’s able to focus on it.

Because all Alex wants to do right now is wrap Luke up in his arms and not let go.

“But you guys were totally fine until I came along and ruined things,” Luke says. “I totally crashed your date.”

“You didn’t ‘crash’ anything,” Alex shifts his position on the couch, leaning forward so that he can study Luke’s expression more closely through narrowed eyes. “Are you – is everything – did something happen? What happened?”

He doesn’t know how to tell Luke that he and Willie felt his absence every second until he came crashing through the door. All they could do was worry and miss him. Want to help but not know how— but now… now that Luke’s here, the three of them can work together. Luke might be upset, but the most important thing is that he’s safe, and Alex is glad for it.

“Just… another fight,” Luke shrugs. “With Mom. I had to get out. I’m… sorry for just showing up outta nowhere like this.”

“Luke, it’s okay,” Alex insists. “We… we want you here.”

“It feels… complete with you here,” Willie gets up off the couch and starts walking, slowly, over to where Luke is trembling by the garage door.

“We’ve just never been able to figure out how to tell you…” Willie doesn’t take his eyes off Luke, but Luke doesn’t speak. Alex’s eyes dart between the two of them – he’s afraid to move, afraid to say something to upset Luke, or make him leave… suddenly, he’s glad that Willie’s much better than he is in stressful situations.

“…and after a fight with your mom— it’s probably not a great time. Definitely not ideal. But I feel like I’m gonna burst like a piñata if I don’t— because now that you’re here—“

“We just want you to know we’re glad that you’re here,” Alex finally decides to cut in. “And… we really hope you stay.”

“It can just be… us three. Together,” Willie reaches out to grab Luke’s hand, and finally earns a small smile back. “Against the world, and all the shitty parents in it.”

“Luke, you belong here with us,” Alex says. “We don’t want you to go.”

Luke’s breath halts in his chest at the conviction in his tone; his inhale gets stuck in his throat and trembles its way out through his slightly open mouth.

“Then… I won’t.”

[theuniversitychallengereview]

UC 51.26 - King’s vs Imperial

For the second quarter-final we had a match-up between two London Universities, King’s and Imperial. King’s came in with a combined score of 280, while Imperial had racked up 415, clearly indicating who the favourites were. 

Paxman uses the word sledgehammering to describe Imperial’s win over Glasgow in the previous round. This is an entirely magnificent word and one which I am entirely surprised to hear coming forth from his mouth because it sounds like the sort of modern, verbing-the-noun nonsense that would rile him.

Either way, Imperial pick up where they left the sledgehammer, as Sheriff opened the scoring, with a couple of bonuses to boot. Zeng then continued to show off his geography expertise (more on this later) with the second starter and two more five pointers followed. At this point King’s manage to block the sledgehammer, as Rashid comes in impressively on a starter about Brown Dwarves. A perfect hat-trick on chemistry brought them right back into the game, before some more virtuoso geographying from Zeng grabbed the initiative back for Imperial.

For the first question it seemed like he had an exact picture of the world map in his head, so to give him the aid of an actual visual map, and a handily placed target as well, as they did for the first picture round, seems unfair. Predictably he races through all four questions. 

Often in sports commentary you will hear the phrase ‘If X had done that you’d never here the end of it’, with X referring to one of the top few players at said sport, and the commentator implying that the exploits of some player of lesser-renown should be placed on a similar pedestal to said elite player. 

The trouble with this line of rhetoric is that when X player does the thing, you know its not a fluke, because they have done it over and over again in the past. The fact of this flukiness doesn’t make the lesser players achievements any less impressive, its just that when X does it there is a certain added frisson because we know they can, and do, replicate it. Plenty of footballers will have one Messi-like goal in them over a career. Plenty of basketball players will drain a single three pointer like Steph Curry. The difference is that they can’t do it week in week out, constantly showing themselves to be the best.

With Zeng, there is that same added spice when he answers the geography questions. We know they haven’t fallen for him in a lucky fashion. This is no fluke. Give him ten other targets marked in a map of India and he could have answered ten other questions. 

With both sides negging starters, Zeng proves that he’s not a one trick pony with a ten pointer on an entirely different subject. He grabs another and Imperial start to look comfortable as Mays takes the music starter too. They’re a hundred points clear and King’s don’t seem to have anything up their sleeves. This stretches to a hundred and thirty before King’s get back in play, with a starter on football teams, though their brief resurgence lasts only a moment. 

Imperial march on and take the game out of King’s reach, though in the closing moments their London rivals are finally able to get a foothold of sorts and they drag themselves up to a semi-respectable score. When they’ve had their fun, Zeng and Imperial have some of their own with a few more Geo questions on their way to a stunning 235.

Final Score: King’s 50 - 235 Imperial

Paxman says that Imperial got ‘some good questions, convenient for them’, which, while sort of correct, completely neglects Zeng’s utter brilliance. So yes, it is a little bit unfair for Zeng to get questions on geography, but in the same way it would be unfair to let Messi join in with a kickabout down the park.

[invisibleinorange]

A Different Ending |  4/?

Chapters: 4/? Fandom: Bridgerton Rating: M Warnings:  Only be forewarned that this is an AU from the Adrift saga but Colin actually died in this one, so if he’s mentioned he’s actually gone. Relationships: Benedict Bridgerton/Penelope Featherington, Colin Bridgerton/Penelope Featherington (past feelings),  Eloise Bridgerton/Penelope Featherington(besties),  Bridgerton Family Dynamics,  Daphne Bridgerton/Simon Hastings Characters:  Penelope Featherington, Eloise Bridgerton, Benedict Bridgerton, Daphne Bridgerton, Additional Tags:  Bridgerton, Penadict (do we have a ship name yet?)

Summary:  There were some requests for an alternate/Parallel word to "Bridgerton's Adrift" where Benedict and Penelope actually did get married. So this is the result of that peer pressure.

Benedict Bridgerton was hardly a virgin. He’d been with plenty of women through the years who all understood that nothing was going to come of the dalliance. He hadn’t ever been with someone who actually meant something to him.  He couldn’t earnestly say that he was in love with Penelope at this point but with every passing day of their marriage, he certainly grew to admire her more.

That admiration was why it was easy to find affection and intimacy in ways that weren’t overtly sexual in nature. They spent their days taking leisurely strolls and leaning against each other while they enjoyed their personal exploits.  She’d read to him from whatever book she’d stolen from the library and he’d spend the afternoons sketching away.  

In the evenings, they would go to bed together and while neither saw fit to initiate kissing they had progressed to curling into each other.  Sometimes, Penelope would curl into his chest and others his arms around her middle. Regardless of the form it took, they would lay there talking until sleep inevitably took them.

It was something they had both come to look forward to.  Penelope had never quite felt like she belonged anywhere as much as she did in Benedict’s company. Sometimes it took her by surprise how right it all felt.  She hadn’t really thought she could have a happy ending.  She’d always thought it something meant for her sisters.

Her life had been so different mere weeks ago and yet it felt like another lifetime ago.  She’d thought her heart might never heal after Colin had died, especially when she’d learned that he’d done so thinking she was sore with him. She was actually happier than she felt she deserved though.

“I should probably write something about our honeymoon,” she told him from a desk in their bedroom where she’d taken to writing her latest article for Lady Whistledown.

Benedict saw propped against the pillows. He was dressed but his shirt was undone slightly. His hair was messy because he’d just completed a bit of nap.  He gazed over to her affectionately.

Eloise had not wasted any time ending her letters about what was happening at home though not much happened in the short time since they left.  Benedict had been pleasantly surprised that Penelope had already worked out how to ensure publication was not stalled in her absence from London though.  It was impressive for a woman to be so savvy.

“Well how do you think our honeymoon should be reported?” her asked from where he was sitting. “Are we the vision of newlywed bliss or misery?”

She laughed softly.

“Bliss,” she told him sincerely before scribbling some words on the paper.  She smiled before lifting the page, gaze moving toward his as she decided to read the excerpt.  “While most of London’s gaze turns to those who will seeking their match in the coming season, this writer is happy to report that the off-season wedding of one Benedict Bridgerton to Penelope Featherington has proven fruitful. Sources report that they have may forsake London all together – as they are particularly fond of their bed as most newlyweds prove to be.”

“It’s true,” Benedict said with a laugh before petting the space on the bed next to him.  “I think you should return to bed.”

“As you wish.”

Penelope laughed putting down her article that she’d have to finish later, ignoring the ink stains on her fingers to go climb back into the bed. She moved right into Benedict’s waiting arms, curling into his warm body.  He pressed an affectionate kiss to the top of her head.

“I’ve actually been thinking about our future home,” he told her after a moment, eyes closed as he just enjoyed having her close.

“I thought you’d found a few places that might work,” she told him quietly.

“Yes but none are good enough,” he confessed.  “I found some undeveloped land in Kensington.  It would take a little longer but have someone build us the perfect house.”

“I’m going to be happy as long as we have food and a bed to sleep in,” she told him honestly.  “You know that it doesn’t have to be perfect.”

“I know that but it won’t stop me from providing it. I was thinking you could have your own study for your writing and not just for Whistledown,” he told her, happy to encourage your passion.  “Most houses would only have one and while we could convert a room to one, we’ll need the room for when we have company or children.”

It wasn’t the first time they’d casually mentioned a future with children in it but it was the first time since they’d been married.  It was kind of strange to think about filling a home with them when their intimacy hadn’t quite evolved to the point where there was even potential to children.  It was always reassuring to hear them mentioned though because it meant that they would get there.

“You’ll need space for your art too,” she told him after a moment. “If we’re going to go all in on this, we should both have whatever we need to be happy.”

“You make me happy,” he told her honestly, arms tightening around her.  His face buried in her hair, a hand idly moved to play with some of her curls. “Whatever you want you’ll get but… the point is that this might mean living in my former bachelor quarters for a little while.”

“I’ve never actually seem it.  Tell me about it,” she told him relaxing against him, encouraging him to tell her about what was going to be their temporary home in the coming weeks. Daphne and the Duke had been generous but they couldn’t stay in the country forever.

“It’s smaller without a proper staff,” he told her after a moment.  “It’s in Piccadilly near Albany Hall.  It’s certainly less grand than the family home but it is private.  I kept two bedrooms just in case one of my brothers ended up needing to stay.  It’s quite simple though.  There is a pretty nice stairwell to the roof though and I’ve been fond of going up there and taking in the city.”

“I can see why you weren’t in a hurry to end your bachelorhood,” she told him with a small smile.  “I mean, I couldn’t begin to tell you how many times I wished there to be an escape from my mother’s home.”

“I’d say it was a pretty fair trade,” he told her earnestly.  “I’m glad my mother meddled and brought you home to us. I don’t know that I would have convinced you to accept me if she hadn’t.”

“We’ll never know,” Penelope said with a playful smile.  

--

There were almost always charcoals and paper nearby.  Benedict had moments where he didn’t feel inspired but he had taken to sketching in the early mornings before the light became so bright that Penelope would be awake to watch him do it.

It was one thing for her to provide commentary when he was sketching inanimate objects or flowers but when he found himself particularly inspired by the look on her face as she slept or the way the fabric of her nightgown clung to her he was scared of her judgment.

His lips tightened as his eyes moved back and forth between her sleeping form and the paper,  knowing that whatever he put to paper wouldn’t equal to how adorable she when she having a pleasant dream.

Normally he had enough focus to know when she was about to wake, so he could stop but his focus had been on the shading of her curls when he felt arms curl around him from behind.

Her face buried into his shoulder for a moment before looking up.

He heard her surprised sigh and he braced himself for her to say something negative but she didn’t.

“You were sketching me?” she asked in surprise.  Her eyes lit up in recognition of her own form, in the fact that she actually looked quite beautiful in Benedict’s art even when she didn’t see herself as beautiful.

“I’ve been doing a little bit every day,” he confessed.  “I wasn’t sure how you’d feel about it.”

“I’m flattered,” she told him, moving to sit in his lap sideways, moving the charcoals from his hand to the table. “You’ve made me look beautiful.”

Benedict raised an eyebrow at that.

“You are beautiful,” he told her firmly.

Their eyes found each other and he expected her to argue it but instead she leaned in and captured his mouth. It caught him completely and utterly off guard and he knew he froze for a second before melting into it. Her lips were soft and desirable.

One of his hands found the back of her head, fingers curling in the red locks. Between the proximity and her kisses, his body was beginning to respond and warning lights began to go off in his head. It would be all too easy to carrying her across the small distance from his chair to their bed and take her.   He could literally feel himself getting more aggressive with her. He had to stop himself.

“Pen,” he murmured softly against her mouth, when he forced himself to pull back. He was her husband and there was absolutely no reason why he couldn’t do whatever he wanted but he’d always prized himself on being gentle, patient.  In this moment, he wasn’t sure he could temper himself.  He needed to step away but it was difficult with her in his lap, especially when he was cognizant of the fact she was still in her nightgown.

“Is there something wrong?” she asked eyes fluttering open, gaze questioning.

He could have laughed if it wouldn’t have been misconstrued.

“You’re perfect,” he told her, pressing a lingering kiss to the top of her head before gently moving her off him so he could rise to his feel. “—I was just thinking that maybe I should try and find someone to get us some breakfast.”

Penelope frowned slightly from her new standing position.

“You don’t have to go,” she told him.

He wasn’t quite sure how to explain it to her though, especially as his eyes cast over her from the door frame that he’d made a point to get himself too.

“Yes I do,” he said resolutely before disappearing down the hall to regain some level of self-control.

[therollingstonys]

But Stella! Now I'm curious what the difference is between Steve and Tony stan commenters?

WELL....

A lot of Steve stans seem to feel like I’ve been too harsh in how Tony treats him, and in how Steve feels about himself. Tony stans seem to accept the story for what it is—a commentary on human emotion and behavior—while Steve stans seem want to excuse Steve’s behavior in CW and think that I must “hate” Steve to point out his flaws and have Tony react to them negatively.

So, let me explain further I guess, lol hopefully this doesn’t devolve into discourse, but here we go....

Steve lied to Tony about how his parents died because he didn’t want to feel uncomfortable—he even says in his letter to Tony during CW, “I guess I thought by not telling you about your parents I was sparing you, but I can see now that I was really sparing myself, and I'm sorry.”

Steve thought he knew what was best for other countries and didn’t care that “the safest hands are still our own” didn’t matter to 117 other countries. You can’t go around violating the sovereignty of other nations and just...expect them to say thank you. (This is a really Republican viewpoint of sovereignty and it’s even more obvious when you consider the man in question positing this is: white, cis, and dressed in the goddamn American flag.)

Tony was betrayed and hurt by all of this, and then you add in him being double teamed and left in a broken suit in Siberia (that scene where Steve plunges the shield into the reactor is so eerily like when Obie steals it and leaves him to die it’s sickening. You think that didn’t traumatize Tony? LOL ok)

AND losing Peter because Steve thought his way was best? Of course he’s going to be mad at him, and of course he’s going to lash out and say nasty things and drink too much and be self destructive.

And Tony’s flaws are pointed out just as much in this verse! He’s angry and bitter and he drinks too much and makes bad, unhealthy decisions and pushes people away. He’s jaded and hurt and heartbroken and he acts like a DICK sometimes! He tells Steve to fuck off so many times when deep down he really wants to forgive him, but it’s easier for him to be angry than it is to forgive.

And isn’t that how humans are?? Isn’t it easier to be angry and self righteous than it is to humble ourselves and say we’re sorry or that we’ve fucked up?

Honestly, truly, I am in no way a Steve anti, but I loathe the way they wrote him and engineered CW so that we’d be forced to choose sides. Some people like to woobify Steve and pretend he’s perfect and they get upset or annoyed when I point out his flaws and that’s ok! Just...he’s not perfect, neither is Tony, and the way they’re behaving is human and messy and ugly and unhealthy, and that’s the point!

That’s the whole point of the story I wrote is that these two are messy and unhealthy after CW and IW and they hurt each other and themselves because they’re human! And humans fuck up all the goddamn time. And I love writing about messy human emotions and how we can fuck up over and over again and still learn and grow.

I’m not saying either set of fans is right or better, I’m saying that I’ve shone a light on Steve and Tony’s flaws and that as humans, they’ve got some pretty dark stuff inside them. Steve and Tony are beautiful and wonderful together, but they’re also human and this story was about those ugly human emotions and relationships that aren’t easy.

Hopefully this doesn’t get me “canceled” lol

[dogsliampaynedoesntinstagram]

Liam's interview makes me feel bad about being a 1D fan, of course that wasn't his intention (or was it?). Peeling potatoes I started thinking about if it's even possible to be a fan of 'commercial music' without the negative ethical implications. What do you think? Btw the "sober for 4 weeks" is a rough estimate, right?

Oh anon - and since it's taken me a while to answer this things are looking even less good than they did then.

Your ask made me think about a couple of things. The first is feeling bad about being a 1D fan. Feel your feelings - but I don't think that's a particularly useful way to frame it.

If you look at the history of big pop stars and other artists, it's not an easy life. Despite their wealth, artists tend to have shorter life expectancy than the general population. Any look at other musicians experience will prove that it's a hard and messy life.

But what fans get from artists is important. After the last eighteen months, the importance of collective joy is clearer than ever. And I don't think that fans can make the situation of a touring musician less dangerous. Being a slightly less successful artist, isn't actually any safer.

I think the most useful thing in this situation is boundaries. We do what we do for us and not for them. I think one of the most insidious ideas in fandom is that we're helping or doing good for the artists that we're fans of. We can't know what the impact of success actually is on them. So if we give up the idea that we're doing it for them, and instead accept we're doing it for ourselves, then at least we're not building what we're doing and why on a lie.

*******

The other issue is how to talk about Liam and addiction. When he did that podcast Liam was describing himself as four weeks' sober. That seemed like a huge red flag to me. I'm far from an expert on these things, but as I understand it sobriety is a long journey, and someone saying 'I'm four weeks sober, so I can embark on a lot of new projects' is probably not in the best place.

I do think it's important to acknowledge that Liam has alcohol problems (or at least it's important if we're going to talka bout some aspects of his lfie). But I don't think constantly commenting on his sobriety or drinking, is useful. I think public comment on policing of how he's coming with what sounds like a difficult life and a difficult head to be in, will only make it harder for him.

So here's what I'm going to do - I'm going to assume that Liam is an alcoholic who is drinking. I will occasionally talk about my worries for him, but I don't think that how he navigates his struggles is a suitable topic for constant commentary. In particular I don't think counting the days, or second guessing when he drank, or noting what he's doing now is useful. I will try and treat Liam's alcohol addiciton, like I treat my worries around eating disorders for all of them. I will mention that my worries exist, but constant comment or analysis doesn't help anyone.

[ladyloveandjustice]

Summer 2019 Anime Overview: Carole and Tuesday (final episodes)

I ended up having a lot more to say about Carole and Tuesday’s second season than I thought I did! It delved into some pretty varied and complex issues, after all. I did an EXTREMELY brief review/reaction( to the first half/season of the show you can see here. This review continues from that but is much more involved.

Carole and Tuesday (second half/ episodes 13-24)

Carole and Tuesday’s second half really expands its scope and goes all-out into the zone of social commentary in a way that I didn’t expect. Dang. I’m definitely impressed. There were hints of this in the first part, with Carole being a refugee from Earth who had very limited means and opportunities, while Tuesday came from a privileged background but ran away to escape a mother who cared more about her political career and public approval than her children’s well-being.

The second half delves into this much more, and condemns the policies of deportation and general public attitudes towards refugees and undocumented immigrants. Since the part of Mars our protagonists live inhabit pretty clearly meant to be analogous to New York, the plotline definitely meant to be a criticism of what’s going on in American politics right now. Of course Japan also notoriously has a lot of problems accepting immigrants and I think Watanabe and the rest of the staff probably wanted to say something about that too. 

Tuesday’s mom is able to climb the political ranks by calling for deportation of refugees on Mars- and in a chillingly accurate bit of commentary, she does this  solely to gain popularity with the public, and an even richer white man who has a corporate monopoly easily flouts laws and ethics to push her campaign. Black people are shown to be the first ones targeted for deportation and the black men who speak out are “made an example of”. The show doesn’t go so far to have anyone be killed (which is for the best, it’s unnecessary to go that far to make the point), police brutality is depicted and condemned, one man is targeted and beaten a bit despite not physically resisting, and a pair of men simply walking on the street are manhandled and arrested for “obstructing officers” despite doing absolutely nothing illegal. These marginalized folks continue to bravely fight back, even releasing protest raps from jail. And it’s pointed out to Tuesday that her mom is targeting people who are like her best friend and maybe she should step up and do something about it.

All of that is really good, and the show is firmly on the side of the minorities fighting back, and is all about how art should be used to challenge and reject oppression. It encourages diversity, unity, and takes a stand against persecution of immigrants, forced deportation and censorship. And how the show does this witha multi-cultural cast and a lot of developed characters from different backgrounds is great- there’s a love for all different kinds of music and acknowledgement that music owes everything to people of color. I especially appreciated the show going out of it’s way to depict how rap is often a tool for resistance.

That said, while the show’s message is positive and I appreciate its optimism and good intentions, the ending felt a little too neat and overly simplistic.It might be reductive to say the show goes so far to say racism can be solved if you sing a song, it’s more like “yeah use music to resist!” but the way the police are SO EASILY talked out of violence when they come to shut things down, the neat and simple way the political situation is resolved, and ALL the prison guards being willing to help out minorities in jail with no argument- yeah, I think it’s fair to say it wouldn’t go that smoothly in real life. However, the show seems to sincerely trying to send a message of hope, even if the execution is a little simplistic and lacking. 

The show is just sort of messy when it comes to its plot, themes and issues in general- I’d say it tries to do a little too much, so every arc is left feeling kind of underdeveloped and a lot of things are just...dropped. There are several examples of this.

Two mothers are both major characters in the show, and the show tries to make a connection there and say something about motherhood at the last second, but it’s muddled and contradictory. It’s stated that mothers can either chain you down or give you guidance and freedom, which is true, but we’re ONLY shown awful moms throughout the show, who have a large negative impact on their childrens’ life and hardly any positive impact, so celebrating motherhood at all feels bizarre. 

And the idea that this one mom isn’t all bad and maybe can be reasoned with is jarring since there aren’t any examples in the show of her postively affecting her child or being a good mom in the past. It’s so muddled I don’t know if I can say the show crosses over into abuse apologism (it’s at least made clear that if that mom doesn’t take her one chance to start to make amends, the kids will step aside and let her be taken down) but it really edges on it, and this is definitely something the show should have developed more and executed better

Another really muddled plot element with a lot of weird implications was the whole “martian androgyny syndrome” thing. It didn’t tun out as badly as I feared it might, but it was really hard to say why it was even there or what the show was trying to do with it. 

Basically, being on Mars can lead to some sort of vague condition where your sex changes I guess? And maybe it’s eventually fatal for some reason? And maybe the medication that treats it (by trying to stop the change? by addressing side effects? it’s not clear what it even does) causes uncontrollable anger??? That last part is especially uncertain because it’s only stated once by a person who might be trying to justify their abusive behavior BUT it’s also true that out of the three groups introduced in the show who have the syndrome, the people who (probably) take the meds have explosive tempers while the person who explicitly doesn’t is calm so????

 Anyway, the syndrome isn’t presented as uniformly negative, the calm person who doesn’t take the meds is a good person who is okay with their condition and they identify as non-binary and make a nice speech about it. But they’re also, y’know, dying, so. Again, it’s really unclear why this is even a plot element since it goes nowhere and gets explored so little and what is actually even going on with the syndrome and the medication is SO VAGUE. It doesn’t help that 2/3 of the people afflicted look like stereotypical anime caricatures of trans women. The idea that being intersex/getting a sex change/whatever is supposed to be happening is a death sentence isn’t great either.

And that kind of extends to the character arcs, relationships and plot in general a bit- there were a lot of things that were underdeveloped and muddled, which made the characters a little hard to connect to. Even the sci-fi aesthetic felt a little half-baked- I guess it’s a alternate history because we’re in Mars but Instagram is still a thing and modern singers are being referenced, but exactly how this world works went pretty underexplored. At least the text at the encourages viewers to use their creativity and continue the story themselves, so even the show itself is telling ficcers to get on it and make sense of this mess, okay. (Seriously though, I always enjoy seeing pro writers inviting the viewers to continue their story. Let those fic flags fly!)

Carole and Tuesday is definitely not perfect, but it’s entertaining, warm, visually beautiful and bursting with a love and respect for music. It’s features awesome tunes and varied and intriguing characters. The pro-diversity message that extends support for the marginalized and especially immigrants and refugees is very needed in these troubled times, and it’s theme of unity is very sweet

It’s an thought-provoking show clearly made with a lot love and largely positive intentions, so if you can handle the mixed and concerning implications of some of the more muddled bits, I encourage checking it out. 

[jyushimatsurepliez]

As much as I love the movie, I can't like Takahashi at all. Takahashi was basically living in some fantasy world and unwillingly brought in the sextuplets against their will. I found it to be a huge invasion of privacy and her reasons does not justify it at all. People change, not everyone stays together, sometimes people can't stay together, that's what growing up includes.

{More seriously I’d say there are several factors to consider here…

First off, the point about bringing the sextuplets in against their will would be assuming that the World Of Memories was Takahashi’s, not Karamatsu’s… Which I guess is still a possibility considering, well… The cat seems to be her in ways and it wouldn’t make sense that the sextuplets can see her face clearly in the World Of Memories otherwise, but… It still wouldn’t explain why they couldn’t see the contents of the letter. Unless that was also something Takahashi decided so they’d make the effort to come to her house but… Honestly, I’m not even sure about that. I’m not sure Takahashi was responsible for any of that, and if she was, I’m not sure she was willingly. @askhomerungirl was remarking on how she seems like a ditzy person, and I’m not sure she would’ve been capable of willingly planning such a thing.

Whether or not the trip to the World Of Memories would’ve happened anyway, we know from the start that the sextuplets stayed together and kept getting along anyhow, so… It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy I guess? Unless they stayed together BECAUSE of the trip to the World Of Memories in which case there’s some weird-ass space-time continuum stuff going on here. But ye we could be there all day.

There was also, y’know, the fact that she was basically a kid who knew she was likely to die young (from what I understand), and was desperate to preserve one thing that made her happy, at the cost of troubling other people. I’m not sure she even meant to be any trouble. I think she was just meaning to leave it at the one letter and that’s it, right?

But you’re right, even with that considered, I don’t think that justifies causing trouble for other people. She did leave them a letter, and she did wish for them to keep getting along. Which could either be forceful and being against change, or just… Loving them for who they are, y’know? It just depends on what’s interpreted as “who they are”. It depends what you feel is actually the right thing to do (if there’s even a right thing): changing your behavior and your sense of self because people in your surroundings react to you negatively, or striving to stay the same at the cost of coming across as annoying and unable to move on. I sure know that if done excessively, the first is hard on a person though, and the movie shows it pretty well with cases such as Ichimatsu and the regular use of the phrase “trying too hard”.

In the end, and because this movie is really mainly about their personal journey, I think the matsus came to understand that a little bit of both might be the best. They grew up to be very different from one another, despite still being close. They fight a lot, but they get along too. It happens naturally and forcing yourself to go in one way or the other is much more effort than going with the flow. It’s complicated, because everyone has their own pace in life, but because the pace of the majority seems to prevail, one tends to force themselves to “grow up too fast”, or reject what they once were to be someone completely new in an effort to move on quickly like everybody else does, and it seems like that happens particularly in youth when one lacks the experience and the ability to look back on things. Nobody can have a chat with their adult selves in real life. But if we could and if we all handled it like the adult matsus did, in a “hey, look, it’s not perfect but I’m still alive and well aren’t I” kind of way, it’d do everyone some good.

...I totally strayed into commentary mode here sorry about that. What I’ll say is... I’m kinda neutral about Takahashi, and actually I’d say the whole journey-to-the-past mess she caused, directly or indirectly, probably caused more good than bad. It was as messy as a dream is, really, and in the end it hardly had any consequences on real life, so... No harm done I’d say.}

[kethsi]

Archery Practice

Arianwyn Cadarn is an excellent leader. He’s not a very good adoptive father, though. -- Warnings include unhealthy thought process (what else is new?), Mentions of mild child neglect, mention of animal death (Wolves, Bears, Pawyas), past character death and talk of wars. -- Islwyn Cadarn, last known living relative of fabled king Baxtorian Cadarn and great queen Glarial, is a realist. Really, he is. He looks at every situation through a critical lens, analyzes it, compares the pros and the cons in his mind, and decides what course of action he’d take form here. Really, there’s no reason not to do this. He may only be twelve decades old, but that was old enough to be considered an adult, by elven standards. Besides, this is a method that proved itself effective so far. After all, this exact same approach is part of how his grandfather conquered Kandarin. Naturally, what was good enough for one of the most powerful elves in history was more than good enough for Islwyn. In his current situation, Islwyn wasn’t quite ready to learn more complex magics from the book his mother left him – he simply didn’t have the energy reserves for the more elaborate spells he hasn’t mastered yet, and most elves in Lletya weren’t much help either. Sure, he practiced daily, and he was pretty good at many spells, too, but energy reserves grow and develop with time, as does one’s magical ability. So in the meantime – meantime being the last half decade or so – Islwyn Cadarn went on to practice archery. He knew the basics, of course, he was a member of clan Cadarn, thank you very much – but that alone didn’t make him good at it. So he practiced, using training bows made of pine wood or Kandarinian oak – because using a crystal bow, or a bow made of the local magic trees would be too easy. He’d be tempted to let his soul sing with the crystal, which would guide his arrows to the targets, or sync his magical abilities with those of the magic bow, and all progress will be lost. It wouldn’t truly be his own achievement. Not in archery, at least. It would simply be another way to train magic, but it isn’t what he needs right now. Right now he needs practice.

Easier said than done, though. All around him, other elves were chattering excitedly at one another. He didn’t know the reason, and he didn’t care enough at the moment to find out. He was training by the flax field, so of course others would be passing by to pick some for their own purposes, from time to time.  Some of the voices were too high pitched to him though, and too laced with negativity. Whines and complaints of children at parents. The seeds of tantrums soon to bloom. He released his grip on the bowstring, slightly irritated. The arrow flew forward with a quiet whistle before hitting the spot he was aiming for, the center of a flax flower he attached to the archery target. It wasn’t that he was keen on destroying flowers, but he needed to justify aiming elsewhere when the true center held too many arrows to keep shooting at. Besides, the flax flowers were calming enough to look at, and he liked having them in his field of vision even when he wasn’t actively aiming at them. “I don’t care!” some child yelled. “We had bear stew for three days! I want something else!” The next arrow hit one of the petals, a bit too high. “I’m sorry, dear,” the woman next to the child – presumably his mother – tried, gently. “There isn’t much else right now.” “Isn’t there any pawya?” Tak. Another arrow missed its mark by about two inches. Islwyn Cadarn wasn’t very good at concentrating with loud noises around. Shame on him. He should do better. “The hunters won’t return until tomorrow morning”, the mother replied.  “We can go get things first thing in the morning, if you want”. “They’re taking too long,” the child whined. “They’re bad hunters. Why couldn’t the good ones go hunting instead?”. This arrow lodged itself in the ground. Islwyn sure felt mediocre now, looking at all the missed spots. He frowned, lowering his bow. Six of his last twenty shots didn’t seem to hit their marks. He would blame it on his own agitation, his own unbalanced reaction to the noise around him, but that would not be fair. “War isn’t quiet”, Arianwyn always said. “The noise” isn’t an excuse he could use to justify missing targets, adversaries that could be lethal to his clan if they ever have to defend Lletya from possible Iorwerth invasion in case it is discovered. Still, he couldn’t prevent his selfish thoughts from gnawing at his mind. He couldn’t stop the passing thoughts that these kids are lucky to be raised like that. With parents they could whine to about anything. He didn’t have anyone to complain to, growing up. He lost his mother long ago. Didn’t even know his father. Islwyn Cadarn had to be a responsible child, because he was raised by Lord Cadarn himself, and because he was the grandson of two figures he never met and whose shoes he was expected to fill regardless, as if it was easy. As if it was possible at all, to become as powerful as two mages who shaped the world around them everywhere they walked. He was expected to shut up and do better, always. The current Lord Cadarn hated it when he complained. Islwyn sighed, walking forward. Lletya was getting busy, noisy, as it always did during the early hours of the afternoon. No sense to continue practicing now. Not here, at least. He won’t make much progress. He decided to pluck the arrows out of the wooden target. He wouldn’t want high and mighty Arianwyn to receive complaints about Islwyn’s behavior, now. It would reflect poorly on the both of them, would it not? Surely, Lord Cadarn shouldn’t be lenient on such displays of laziness. Islwyn himself would be seen as a spoiled princeling who expects everyone to clean up after him because his family ties got to his head. Absurd. He was always judged based on “What would Baxtorian say? What would Eirlys think?” What would it matter? They were dead. They weren’t coming back. Why did everyone insist on lecturing him about the dangers of disappointing a family that wasn’t there to disappoint, anyway? There was only Arianwyn. Being close friends with Islwyn’s mother, he agreed to raise her little orphan son. He always reminded Islwyn of that. Always kept some forced formality between them. Ever since Islwyn could remember, he was expected to treat Arianwyn as a lord, and Arianwyn treated Islwyn like something of the sort, too. Not that he ever let Islwyn make any decision or have an actual say in anything, but he made sure to act as if Islwyn was an adult, effectively erasing any trace of free time or “undesirable” hobbies Islwyn had. Except the magic. Arianwyn never had it in him to prevent Islwyn from studying and practicing that. Regardless, Islwyn never really had a proper childhood. Never had a chance to disagree with Arianwyn on anything. Never got comforted when he cried. He was simply told to act in a way befitting of his heritage. Conveniently, he was also told that his grandfather’s grief over the loss of his grandmother was private. That mighty king Baxtorian would put the morale of his troops above his own need to mourn. Even worse, he was told that his mother would do the same on her deathbed. More concerned about the healers who were supposed to help getting their eight hours of sleep than she was with her own pain. Naturally, selfishness in any form was never allowed. So he kept his selfishness in his thoughts, and kept those thoughts to himself. Good, Merciful Seren, he thought. Thank you for making us incapable of peering into one another’s thoughts. I would’ve gotten an earful for that, too. Having collected all the arrows, Islwyn was soon on his way home. It was the best part of being an adult, really. Lletya wasn’t all that big, but it still had plenty of room for him to construct his own little house, with the help of some ex-members of clan Ithell, engineers and siege weapon operators who married Cadarn elves after the war. Honestly, living on his own without Arianwyn’s judging (or sometimes pitying) glances and annoying, disappointed commentary. Still, he had to pass by Arianwyn’s house more often than not, as it had provided a rather convenient shortcut to Eudav’s general store, where Islwyn would sometimes sell the bones of dire wolves he had slain. Islwyn had no wolf bones in his bag today, but he found himself passing by Arianwyn’s place out of habit. He caught himself and tried to increase his pace. The unmistakable whistles of arrows stopped him in his tracks. He looked around, easily spotting Arianwyn, outside his own house, shooting a target as well. Islwyn wanted to look away, but the clan leader was impressive to say the least. With three shots a second, Islwyn was shocked to see some of the wooden targets held hundreds of arrows, so close together that some were somehow lodged not in the targets themselves but between two other arrows, each target forming simple shapes or designs. He recognized some from his studies. These were the clan sigils. Owl, for Amlodd, hare for Hefin, an acorn and a leaf for Crwys…  He wasn’t sure he recognized the symbol Arianwyn was making at the moment though. It looked like some crystal with a messy background. “Ithell,” Arianwyn said out loud, making Islwyn jump. He did not take his eyes off the target though, nor did he stop shooting arrows. “At least it’s supposed to be. But I can’t make a proper lyre to save my life.” Islwyn nodded, respectfully. “It’s quite remarkable, actually” he heard himself say. “Just a little hard to recognize with two smaller crystals still missing…” Arianwyn nodded and lowered his bow and looked at him. Only, it was more like a stare. The leader was studying him intently, expression unreadable. The younger elf quickly realized what he’s done. “Oh, I- I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to distract you, Lord Cadarn,” he apologized. “I’ll be on my way-“ “Islwyn” Islwyn flinched. “…Yes?” Arianwyn’s expression softened suddenly. He seemed uncertain, just for a moment, before taking a step in Islwyn’s direction and offering him his own bow. “Would you like to add them?” “I- what?” “The other crystals.” Arianwyn answered, gently. “Oh. Sorry, I’d really rather not.” Arianwyn was giving him that look again. The one he didn’t understand.  The leader of the Cadarns was regarding him with some weird, uncharacteristic guarded gentleness, as if Islwyn would vanish into thin air if the other elf dared to make any sudden movements. There was something apologetic in his eyes and in the way he held his bow for Islwyn to take.  Finally, seeing he would get no other reply, Arianwyn nodded. “It’s a shame,” he said. “You have your own bows, I was told you’ve been practicing for a few years now, and you never brought it up.” “I picked it up again” Islwyn shrugged. “Five years ago. I think.” Of course, he was taught archery as a child, too. All Cadarn children were expected to know the basics, after all. Arianwyn just never seemed very eager to teach him. So when he decided to start training on his own, he didn’t feel the need to involve Arianwyn in his decision making. “That’s wonderful” Arianwyn smiled. “do you like it better now?” Islwyn hesitated. He couldn’t say for sure. He enjoyed some aspects, sure. He liked the precision, the sound arrows made when flying towards a target, the way his heartbeat stabilized when he was concentrating… …The fact that training arrows weren’t volatile and wouldn’t explode if he did something wrong, the way magic might… “I think so” he admitted. It was true enough. Even if in all honesty, he was just trying to improve because he genuinely wanted to be better at something than the elf who raised him. Well, after today’s display… Islwyn should certainly cross anything involving arrows off the list. Arianwyn paused again. “Would you join me in training, at least?” “With all due respect, I don’t think you need training, Lord Cadarn.” Arianwyn shook his head. “I do,” he sighed, glancing between his targets and the younger elf. “I shouldn’t waste your time with beginner stuff, though.” “You’ve passed beginner levels long ago, Islwyn. I’ve heard you’ve been developing your own style.” Islwyn shrugged. He was trying, that was for certain. He was pretty handy with a crystal bow, though, having practiced with it for two years. Crystal bows are interesting weapons, offering high accuracy to those who sacrificed raw strength and vice versa, creating their own arrows of pure energy designed to accommodate the user’s style and choices. They were exhausting to use for long periods of time, but the results certainly spoke for themselves. “Not very fair to say that, though,” Islwyn countered. “I think my bow decided to develop its own style. I merely happened to be present to witness it the longest, so I picked up a thing or two.” “You’ve achieved a perfect harmony, then” Arianwyn pointed out. “I could really use a helping hand with that. I think mine doesn’t like me very much.” Whatever Islwyn expected to hear in an answer from Arianwyn… That definitely wasn’t it. He stopped to think for a moment. Arianwyn was great at both crystal singing and archery. There is no reason for a crystal bow to not function perfectly in the hands of the leader. Then again, Arianwyn did mention, once or twice, that this wasn’t his own bow. Maybe… “Well, in that case, I could use some help with improving my speed. I don’t think I can fire ten-thousand arrows an hour.” Arianwyn’s face broke into a wide smile. “Neither can I.” Huh. Who would’ve thought… “All right,” Islwyn allowed a small smile form on his own face. “I’ll settle for nine thousand, then.”

[waterparchive]

Toxic Fandom, Public Heartbreak, And The Feedback Loop

Travis Riddle – October 29, 2019

Fandom by Waterparks is one of my favorite albums of the year, regardless of the fact that…I am friends with the band. There was not a single track that immediately stood out as my favorite like Take Her to the Moon and Peach on previous albums--but I think that's because everything on this one is so good, it's impossible to choose one. I Miss Sex/War Crimes/I Felt Younger would probably comprise my top 3, but every song is fantastic. And the album is on the shorter side but you truly don't feel that length, these songs all go through so many different movements--lyrically and musically--that every song is just dense as hell and it feels a lot longer than it is, while still not feeling overwhelming or messy at all. It flows great and hits some really interesting themes.

This write-up was initially sent to Awsten on the album’s release date, and I’ve edited it a little below for clarity/brevity, because I would not shut up about it.

1. Cherry Red - Starting the album off with that bark/yell is so tight. A year and a half ago in that parking lot going to get crawfish together I didn't really "get" this song, but after hearing the album several times it really clicked for me. I love how it acts as kind of a setup to the whole thing, getting the listener into your mindset and introducing one of the main themes of the album. I also like how it continues your color motifs; "blue and yellow let’s get together and be green" has now gone bad and turned to sour green, and it seems like cherry red is replacing yellow (red + yellow = orange hmmmmm). I also love how "You know I died for you" ties into the closing track, "I said I loved you to death so I must be dead."

2. WWHN - A really great choice for the first full song of the album to set the tone for the Fandom theme in contrast with Cherry Red setting up the emotional side of the lyrics. It's also a goddamn jam so it's great at hyping up right at the start hahah. I've probably told you everything about this already but I like what you're saying in this, and how it's something probably every single artist goes through in their career, but no one seems to say in a critical way (that I’m aware of). I'm sure this and other songs will make some fans upset because they're being called out but I like that, and it's some stuff that needs to be said.

3. Dream Boy - Lots of good stuff about fan expectations in this, dressed up in metaphors and really catchy pop to catch people off-guard. Love the phrase "Build-A-Boy, pick your pieces" and "Do you believe in love and is it because of me?" With people's weird way of crafting their whole lives and beliefs and desires on these celebrities that they don't know personally at all yet are so invested in.

4. Easy to Hate - I feel like this is the most straightforward and "simple" song thematically, but man it is so catchy. The sound effect that I'm sure is your voice in the opening before the verse is so damn cool. I like this first real hint of the colors turning to red. This is thematically pretty similar to other demos like ********* and Play and stuff so with how catchy and big this chorus is, it's easy to see why you chose this one to cover that topic. I'm also a sucker for someone doing the chorus in a song but stripped down like you do here. Those harmonies in the final chorus are also soooo good..........

5. High Definition - You're on some Imogen Heap-ass shit here and it's dope. I like this as a single choice since I feel like the emotional side of the album really hinges on this track--it's not a breakup album in the typical sense (aside from like Easy to Hate and Worst), but rather it's about the aftermath of the breakup and the emotional state surrounding that, the doubts and insecurities and vulnerabilities of losing trust in everybody due to one person’s actions, and this song is such a direct and succinct and sad encapsulation of that. Hate how this whole song makes me feel for my friend but it's also really pretty and good.

6. Telephone - This is some real Hellogoodbye-ass shit here with the ending of the chorus hahah. The juxtaposition between this and High Definition is interesting, basically both songs coming to the same conclusion--not committing to a relationship--but in totally opposite ways. With this one basically being "I won't tell you how I'm feeling, I'll just go write lyrics/sing voice memos/tweet." Is this about the damn pretty Target girl you tweeted about once? "Now I'm living on a target" and "all these aisles feel like miles" hmmmmMMM. This wasn't my favorite when I first heard it but it realllllly grew on me and now I love it. The chorus is so good and I love what you're doing with the music/harmonies in the background of it. Also the dumb shit after "I'll follow" always makes me laugh. Then the dichotomy between this/HD is emphasized in the closing Wedding Singer sample which I feel like represents the fandom; you’re going through this huge emotional turmoil, but we’re reaping the benefits by getting great songs out of it.

7. Group Chat - It works as a goofy little interlude but I also like what it says thematically (if I'm not just pulling this out of my ass anyway). On one hand it seems to me like a commentary on the inanity of some fan group chats, how in some of them they all act like they're best friends but really it's just a surface-level friendship. "My name's [whatever] and we're all friends! :D" and then also with the effect on your voice, seems to imply to me how mentally draining everyone in the fandom can sometimes be on you more so than Geoff and Otto.

8. Turbulent - I know some people just gotta have their metaphors and shit in their lyrics but I love how direct this song is. Just plainly stating things makes them feel so much more raw and real. I can't see how you could more powerfully convey the anger and hurt than with "I'd unfuck you if I could." Also the "sOoOoO" in the second chorus is still best part (also the barks). Also the pitched-down backup vocals are tight in this song, really gets you into the frantic, pissed off headspace.

9. NBA - I like the potential double meaning of the chorus in this one; everyone in LA looks like you cause I'm missing you and seeing you everywhere, but also it’s kind of insulting, like "everyone in LA looks like you, you're not special." But aside from that, another very pretty albeit sad song. The chorus with full instrumentation and harmonies really hits hard. I also like the 11:11 connection with tying breath in knots; you're always really great at bringing back recurring images and lines in your writing, it makes your discography feel really connected and like you're actually writing these things, it's not some producer in a studio writing lyrics for you. These songs all lead into each other; the songs on Fandom could not exist without what came before in DD and Entertainment. That evolution is always really interesting to see, how these different motifs recur and change their meaning over time. I assume the main metaphor of this might also be a callback to Crybaby with “chasing through dreams in bloom.”

10. IMHSBALIDWDA - Definitely one of my favorites, it's just so damn fun. And once again some cool vocal effect you have going on in the background, which I always love. The lyrics here are fun but also biting; I've been thinking of this as a commentary on how fans don't really care about an artist's well-being or life even if they try to act like they do, they just want new songs and good performances and new merch etc. etc. no matter what it means the artist is going through or how they feel when they sing these emotionally devastating songs. So the chorus to me is kinda like a self-care anthem in a way, setting aside all the negative stuff and admitting to yourself hey, at least I feel kind of better now; maybe not entirely better, but I'm getting there.

11. War Crimes - Another song with sad lyrics but musically it goes so damn hard, another favorite. "I'm forgetting how to hate myself" is one of my favorite lyrics on the album, as is "My death will be the fandom." I don't even totally know what to say about this song cause sooo much is going on and it's just crazy. "Let's go!" is also a favorite moment. And the "I saved my own life" calling back to Not Warriors is tight.

12. [Reboot] - Hey is "I need to sleep alone" a reference to Sleep Alone!!!!!?!???? I've already talked to you about this song a lot too so I don't have much new to say. The vocal effect on the bridge is dope. The breaths before verse 2 are maybe my favorite part, as well as what you do on "all on you" including holding out "you" into the chorus. And whatever's going on in the background at the end of that second chorus, I can't tell if it's vocals or instruments or what, but it sounds really cinematic and cool.

13. Worst - This new version is so cool, it has so much texture that the demo didn't. Vocals are also really pretty. The added bass and electronics really add a lot of rhythm and an interesting vibe to this; the bass is almost jazzy in a way? But then the electronics/percussion are almost like a dance beat but really stripped down? I dunno, it's such an odd combination, especially with the guitar just being acoustic. One of the most interesting songs on the album sonically despite being comparatively "simple" at first listen.

14. Zone Out - My least fave just because it's such a simple interlude, but what I like that it does is like...basically comments on the preceding songs I guess? It's like a question to the listener. At the beginning you've got Dream Boy setting up their expectations, then this comes at the very end and essentially asks them, "After hearing all of these angry heartbroken songs, am I still your dream boy? Do you still think love exists because of me even though I've gone through all this and don’t believe in it myself?" I like that it makes the listener confront their previous feelings and expectations before we dive into the finale.

15. IFYWWM - First off I absolutely love the effect you put on the vocals at the start of this, especially with how that effect abruptly cuts off; it's so weird and interesting and I never get tired of hearing it. The difference between the demo and this final version is amazing, I love this song. And "I said I loved you to death so I must be dead" is such a great one-two punch; it hits hard as a "fuck you!" line with being a way to say you don't love her anymore, but then you realize how sad it is that the effect has been this emotional death that pervades the entire album and eventually leads right back into Cherry Red. Which is also a depressing ending; it's so abrupt without any closure about anything talked about on the album, and the way that it circles back into the opener kind of implies to me that maybe there's a sense of circularity to everything, it's unending, the songs will always be fueled by heartbreak and the emotional trauma will never go away and dealing with it in the public eye of the fandom will always be overbearing.

http://www.travismriddle.com/blog/2019/10/29/toxic-fandom-public-heartbreak-and-the-feedback-loop

[marsbaumer]

hello !! the name is cal, pronouns they/them, and i’m in the est timezone. i’m so very excited to bring my kiddo mars to the deja brew !! listed below is going to be some information on the little mess. at the very bottom i’ve listed some possible connections as well that i think would be neat to explore. if you would like to plot feel free to like this and i’ll come to your ims or let me know if you’d prefer to plot over discord. i am very excited and look forward to writing with you all uwu

basics

name: mars baumer job: baker at deja brew & podcast host age: twenty-three gender: nonbinary pronouns: she/they sexuality: bisexual / biromantic birthday: april 2nd zodiac: aries personality type: the entertainer | esfp pinterest board: click here

regular order

large black coffee with a shot of caramel & whipped cream on top

aesthetics

listening to conspiracy podcasts in a deadbeat car in an empty parking lot in the middle of the night

the wafting smell of freshly made blueberry muffins and pockets of sunshine that warm your skin

 skinned knees covered by alien themed band-aids

theme song: boy bye by brockhampton

ring in their ears like a bark always feel left in the dark trauma the price for the patience character shift like an arc move like my shit stay in park don't feel the love or respect grip like a hand on my neck this is the year, place your bets (boy, bye)

positive & negative

brash ( adj ) : self-assertive in a rude, noisy, or overbearing way.

sagacious ( adj ) : having or showing keen mental discernment and good judgment; shrewd.

planetary commentary: updates every thursday @ 3:33am

planetary commentary is a podcast that focuses on all sorts of topics though they primarily tend to center around conspiracy theories, murder mysteries, missing people cases, space, lgbtqa+ subjects, and the occasional book or movie reviews. it could be seen as a bit of a messy podcast, however, it has gained quite the following over the year and a half its been available. ( first premiered may 1st, 2017 )

the chronicles of unknowing: updates every sunday @ 3:33am

a sci-fi, fantasy podcast centered around a boy as he journeys through a strange and mysterious land. he could not recall his name nor how he ended up in such an empty place. he simply woke up one day in a empty house where faceless photos presented themselves on dusty walls. how will he deal with the loneliness this empty town envokes and how will he choose to proceed when there is no clear direction? join the nameless boy as he logs his journey via tape recorder. ( first premiered october 1st, 2019 )

then

mars was born to their mother in the early hours of april second after tiring hours of labour. her mother, anastasia baumer, was over the moon to have her child in her arms after nine long months. it was a lonely celebration, though. no one was there to congratulate her or see her beautiful baby. no, instead, she welcomed mars into the world with just herself as family.

being a working single mother was tough, the money that anastasia’s parents had left her helped in mars’ younger years before they were old enough to go into daycare. things were bound to get more difficult as life went on as the finances were harder to keep up with, especially rent which only increased over the years. still, the child and mother duo were happy and lived life to its fullest. sure, mars couldn’t join any extracurricular sports, but they enjoyed writing and helping their mother with cooking/baking.

of course, life just couldn’t sort itself out for them. no matter how much anastasia gave, the world only took and took and took. it only made sense for the world’s greed to fall on mars as well. on their twelfth birthday, their mother made a choice to go out in the rain to pick up their birthday cake. she never made it home. mars waited up all night until the police came knocking to deliver the news.

( death tw ) a hit and run. she was left to die in the rain alone. that was probably the worst part. the fact that life couldn’t be gentle with her even til the end. mars wanted the hard truth. what was their mother’s last moments like? who left her to die? why would they do such a thing? there were so many questions they had and the police, with much hesitance, answered to the best of their abilities. their mother’s best friend met them at the station. she attempted to stay strong, however even in her righteous anger, tears swept her cheeks. it was a long month that followed.

left alone, mars was placed in foster care. the system was incredibly difficult to move through. they ended up being incredibly difficult to handle between poorly adjusting in school and slipping out of the houses. it took two years of swapping between three foster homes before they found the knox household. the knox’s consisted of cillian and avery knox as well as their son isak. it was a somewhat strange ensemble that mars joined. isak was cillian’s son from a previous marriage before he’d met avery and fell harder than ever before. it was...cute. they gave them space and isak was different from the other kids they ended up staying with previously. for starters, he was only a year younger than them. he complimented their vibe the first time they met and then asked what they thought about aliens. needless to say, their introduction into the knox’s dynamic and to each of them personally was a welcomed change.

fourteen years old, mars finally found a place they could settle down in and mourn their mother while attempting to settle. it was nice, living with avery- living with another person of colour, who encouraged their desire to explore different styles and, later on, pronouns when they started to question their gender. the support of cillian and isak as well encourage their unique interests and desire to learn about their self. the family helped them in ways they could never pay back. 

( cancer tw, death tw ) life never failed to come back to ruin them. they had at least six years of blissful peace before isak began to get sick. it was a terrible time and took a while to catch on to. yet, the diagnosis wasn’t promising. cancer never was. isak held out a while against the leukemia that made him sick. almost a year, in fact, before he ended up passing. the devastation they felt was an echo of the past as they lost their best friend and brother. 

now

two years later found mars living outside the knox household and in a two bedroom apartment with someone they found on craig’s list or something. they liked to introduce them and tell tales about how they ended up rooming together, even going as far as claiming they found them on the side of the road. 

mars has been working at the deja brew for about two years now. after dropping out of school for when isak was sick, they decided not to return. their fathers were disgruntled, but allowed it. after all, they were there on scholarship anyways. they had expected them to return, however, mars has yet to show any interest in continuing their program.

mars can come across as a very detached individual, however, they are in actuality very passionate. get them speaking about something they have an interest in and they seem to do a complete 180 in personality as they talk. 

they enjoy experimenting in the kitchen, whether it be baking or cooking. occasionally, they’ll have their co-workers and some customers try one of their end products to get a gauge on how it turned out. unfortunately, they’re not always good. most of the time they’re stomach-able, though, so that’s good.

they just began a new podcast titled the chronicles of unknowing. they haven’t told anyone, but the main character is based off of their brother. they wanted to remember him and transform their grief into something that could possible help others but also potentially allow for isak to still touch peoples lives.

they publish the podcasts under the pseudonym mercury as they believe it takes the whole act of them creating away from their self and focuses things on the actual content they put out.

[newmoneytrash]

Death Stranding

I had to write about Death Stranding to get this not very good game out of my head and soul

(this has spoilers I guess but honestly who cares)

I was going to wait to play Death Stranding, if I ever even played it at all. I had barely seen any trailers outside of the first couple. I remember seeing them and thinking “this isn’t going to be the crazy, weird experience everyone thinks it’s going to be”. I didn’t think that I knew better than anyone else, or that the people who were excited were stupid to feel that way. I just felt like I could see what it was and knew that, having played the majority of Kojima’s work, that this probably wasn’t going to be the experience that people thought it was going to be.

And I was comfortable with my disinterest, content to know that this thing existed, that I was fine with it existing away from me. But then a week before release when the review embargo lifted and people started posting their impressions and experiences and reviews my interest was piqued in a way that no trailer or announcement had interested me before. It wasn’t the glowing and fawning reviews that drew me to the game, the people who played and loved the game. It was, weirdly, the negative ones that changed me from not having any interest in playing Death Stranding to going to the store on the Friday morning it was released and standing in the rain waiting too long for an Uber so I could get home as fast as possible to start playing.

The reason the negative reviews drew me to the game so much is not because they were negative, it’s not that I was taking some joy in getting to play something that I thought was going to be bad and now I had an opportunity to be vindicated by seeing for myself that it is bad. It was the things that they were negative about that sounded so interesting. The idea that a group of people would spend so much time and effort and money in creating a large premier video game experience where the main crux seemed to be tedium is an inherently fascinating concept.

The kind of elevator pitch descriptor that interested me the most (that was used by people both derisively and positively) was that it was a post-apocalyptic truck simulator. Travelling a dead or dying world as a UPS driver. Mad Max meets King of Queens (that’s a comparison that I made and I’m too proud of it not to use it). What if a development team who made one of the great action games on the last decade (Metal Gear Solid V might be a terribly lacking narrative experience with some frustrating mission design, but the core gameplay is extremely good) and funnelled all of that energy into something intentionally boring and monotonous?

Not only did that help reset my expectations of what this would be, it made me feel excitement for something that I had previously thought I wouldn’t be able to feel excitement or anticipation for.

I spent 40 hours with it over the course of a week. That might not sound like a lot of time in video game speak, but I don’t remember the last time I spent that much time with a game over such a short period of time. Over the first weekend I had it I played for just over 20 hours. Twenty hours. I don’t know if I’ve ever been that focused on a game in my life. But still when I reflect on my time with it, and especially when I try to recall those initial 20 hours which were far and away the most fun I had with the game, I feel nothing. It’s like static, like someone has gone back and just erased that time from my memory.

That’s maybe not entirely fair. I remember general things, just not specific gameplay moments.

I remember the gameplay loop. It’s less a truck simulator game and more of a hiking game, at least initially. And this was appealing to me. You’re slowly traversing across these barren, empty environments delivering packages to and from outposts and shelters. You’re packing a huge amount of garbage on your back and climbing up mountains and down cliffs and wading through rivers. You’re given ropes and ladders to try and ease your journey, and later you’re able to build greater structures like bridges and towers to help you more easily navigate the environment and scout your path ahead. Eventually you’re given access to motorbikes and trucks that can both help and hinder your deliveries, depending on the paths you take and forge. You even get a chance to help rebuild an actual honest to goodness highway, creating it piece by piece by providing an increasing amount of materials to each section. Maybe the greatest accomplishment I felt playing this game was spending a few hours creating large sections of the highway and then getting to just fly down it on a motorbike. It really did feel like I hate created something big, that I not only radically changed the world by creating this, but that I had bettered it.

And there’s there community aspect of the game. Having others donate materials to your structures as well as seeing structures others have built and abandoned vehicles and packages in your world is all really neat and interesting. Everything positive I have to say about this game is wrapped up in these systems, because there is a lot of the game that feels like you’re on a genuine journey. Taking a package over the peak of a snow capped mountain for the first time can feel like a legitimate achievement, it was rewarding just walking from one place to the next. Seeing a bridge helpfully placed in a frustrating location made me feel real gratitude toward that person, and receiving feedback that other people were using and liking things that I had built made me feel good, as if I was paying forward the help that I had received.

For a long time I didn’t even think there would be combat in the game but it gradually increases as you go along and, while it’s never good, it’s still serviceable and easy enough to never really get in the way. The shooting and melee combat feels off, and I might have had a better time if it wasn’t there at all, but a few boss encounters and combat vignettes were interesting and would occasionally help when the monotony of just delivering packages started to grow.

But after 20 hours of this nothing really stood out to me, there’s no one gameplay moment that will stay with me. I won’t reflect on this game and think “wow, remember that one journey I took by following the coastline?” It’s all just a long, sustained blur.

And it’s not that I don’t remember the story or the characters either. Those are all easy to recall. The story is especially easy to recall because, over 40 hours, it’s just basically telling you one thing over and over and over. It’s hard not to recall it, because there is only one thing to recall.

The thing that I was worried about before the game came out was that the story was just going to be a huge mess. Kojima’s games are always functionally good to great, that’s never really been an issue I’ve had with his work, it’s always been the stories he tries to tell and how he tries to tell them. From the first Metal Gear Solid through to The Phantom Pain there are always misgivings I’ve had with character representation, general themes, and just the delivery of that narrative. I know this isn’t a unique position to have regarding his work (sexism and his consistently awful portrayal of women is a pretty famous issue he has, even among his biggest fans), but beyond that I just never felt that anything he was doing was particularly special. They were different and almost always interesting, but a lot of people would like to tell you that Kojima was doing masterful video game storytelling that no one else was capable, that he was single-handedly raising the medium of video games to something as artistically valid and viable as cinema or art. But, to me, he was never doing that. He was making fun and compelling video games, but they were inconsistent and messy and overly verbose and self-righteous.

So my concern was that, now that he was the head of an independent studio that for all intents and purposes answered to no one, he would let that his storytelling get further away from him. In an attempt to prove his level of creativity, maybe to even prove his worth, he was going to put all of his ideas on the table and the result was going to be an indecipherable mess.  When they would release a trailer of a naked Norman Reedus on a beach holding a baby attached to him with an artificial umbilical cord, or Guillermo Del Toro standing in a sewer holding a baby in a jar while Mads Mikkelsen is covered in black tar leading a bunch of skeleton soldiers a lot of people responding with a variant of “wow Kojima is going to make something crazy, this is going to blow my mind”. But all I saw was a giant red flag.

So when I finally experienced the story of Death Stranding I was kind of taken aback. Not by how crazy or nonsensical it is, but by kind of how… boring and one note it is? There isn’t really any room for interpretation in this story. It’s all very, very literal. It tells you how and why things are happening, and if you missed the exposition the first time don’t worry! Here is another twenty minute info dump reiterating the same boring, one note narrative over and over.

The game just tricks you into thinking it’s being more creative than it is because it’s filled with endless jargon. There is timefall, void outs, BTs, BBs, Beaches, repatriates, chiral energy, and extinction entities. Ha and ka. But it’s all in service of creating a world and a narrative that ultimately says nothing, and spends dozens of hours painfully and slowly telling you nothing. It’s borderline torturous.

There is also some high school art level social commentary on social media. Likes are a huge commodity in this world, with people becoming addicted to the feeling you get when they receive one. And instead of having a smart phone or whatever you have Cuff Links, which is a literal pair of handcuffs that, when strapped to your wrist, functions as a way to communicate with people through the Codec or email. Because our phones are a prison, right guys? Pretty deep. In Kojima’s world we truly do live in a society.

But it’s not just the small stuff like that that’s so literal, every part of the game is literal. You’re Sam Porter Bridges, a porter who has a contract with the organisations Bridges, created by someone named Bridget, to create bridges with people across America (both figuratively and literally) to create a network across the continent that will bridge everyone together. Every metaphor and theme in the game is so painfully literal that the game never gives you the opportunity to interpret anything else. The only time there are moments in the game when you don’t know what is happening is when characters start talking about things that you could have no way of knowing about as if you did know about them, but even then these moments of mystery are immediately undone because they always immediately explain the thing that you missed. You will have a cryptic conversation with someone about something you have had no opportunity to deduce or discover on your own, but it never matters because it’s followed up a few minutes later with a flashback or exposition that lays everything out on the table.

Instead of Kojima creating something nonsensical and imaginative and impossible to follow, he managed to make the world’s most shallow metaphor about really nothing in particular. When he said that the game was inspired by Donald Trump and Brexit he meant that it was inspired by the division that these things caused between people and how we need to create Bridges to reconnect with people.

That’s it, that’s the game. That is its message. And it’s not interestingly presented, there’s nothing more to it than that.

One of the podcast conversations I listened to before released (that was largely critical of the game) that drew me toward playing it ended with one of the people saying “It is a game that I think everyone should experience, but not one that I could ever recommend” which is a perfect way of articulating how I feel. It’s a unique experience that does things that a game of its size has never really done before. I don’t think there’s merit in being different for differences’ sake, but this isn’t that. The gameplay is considered and deliberate and purposeful, but that doesn’t mean that it’s fun and it doesn’t negate the parts that are tedious and tiring. Just because you make something boring and annoying on purpose that doesn’t make it good.

If you had asked me six months ago if I think I would like Death Stranding I would have said no. I probably would have qualified it by saying I hope that I was wrong, that I would like it to be good, but that I was probably more likely to hate it.

I didn’t love it, and I don’t like it. I don’t even hate it, but in a weird way I wish that I could. Because then at least I would feel something toward it. Instead Death Stranding leaves me feeling something much, much worse.

It makes me feel nothing.

[luobingmeis]

so i’ve got an amnesty theory

and i had to wash off some negative feelings in the shower so i had a lot of time to think on this so, forgive me, bc this might get a bit long

but i think what travis/aubrey said was right, that this particular abomination looks almost staged, that it’s meant to be scary. and, with that, i think someone is targeting the pine guard/amnesty lodge.

bc, just think, a blonde vampiric woman (suspect: dani) walks into the hornet’s nest (motive: jake coolice’s ex friends) and commits an act so grusome and literally monstrous (evidence that ties into monstrous acts: the cryptonomica) that it can’t be ignored by kepler. it’s meant to be scary and look monstrous because it is.

but, first, let me backtrack: the abominations. as they had said in the episode, the other abominations looked like accidents. the beast looked like a bear and, with that, any fatalities could be a bear attack. if calvin owens drowned in the pool bc of the water monster, it would look like just that: he drowned while training. the calamity tree was literally made to make purposeful events look like accidents. no normal person would look at a bear attack, or a kid who drowned, or a car crash, and think “oh, it’s a monster.”

but a fanged woman who seemed to grow in size and literally mutilate and tear into bodies so badly that they’re unrecognizable? most people’s first thought would be, “oh, it’s a monster.”

and that’s where i think the targeting of amnesty lodge comes in. of course, this raises the question of if it’s dani. i don’t remember if it has been said in canon, but i highly doubt that dani has never left amnesty lodge. i’m pretty sure she’s been out in kepler before. and, since we know that kepler is a small town, there’s probably at least a few people that, in good lighting, could recognize her. so, for whatever reason, if dani wanted to turn on amnesty lodge/mama/pine guard/whatever, i think she would know how to do it.

but i don’t think it’s dani.

i think the abomination can shapeshift. we saw that happen with the terrifying gregor moment (which i have more to say on later) and it could be what happened with dani. perhaps the abomination incapacitated her, therefore feigning memory loss, and went and tore into the hornets.

so, to reiterate, i think this new abomination is targeting amnesty lodge, or is at least working for someone who wants to target amnesty lodge, which leads me to my next point: this abomination will perhaps be the most dangerous one yet

obviously all the abominations are dangerous. and, honestly, most of them were dangerous because of their abstract state. a beastly form that can absorb other animals and become a prime hunter? a water spirit that can infiltrate any place where there’s water? a tree that grows new timelines? it’s all scary bc it’s so inhumane and unpredictable. but this abomination can at least appear human. whether or not to say it actually is, it does a pretty damn good job at looking human.

this abomination has more autonomy than the other three ever could, and i think we’re about to enter a very interesting dichotomy between the monsters in amnesty and the abominations. bc, you know how when someone constantly says “this is fine” and, every time they say it, you believe them less and less? that’s kinda how i feel with mama constantly saying that the abominations and the monsters in kepler are nothing alike. now, i’m not saying that the residents in amnesty are these horrible, abominable creatures. fuck, ned trying to tell mama that when they were dealing with billy is fucking painful bc you can just feel how badly ned fucked up. no, i think we’re about to enter a part of the story where it’s shown that, while the abominations and the amnesty residents are not one in the same, one can become the other a lot easier than anyone else would like.

i think it’s also important to note that, if this is true, it means the abomination knows enough to be able to not just properly target amnesty, but also enough to know what’s going on w/ the pine guard at any time.

which leads me to my next point: i think someone, and perhaps that someone is the abomination, is watching amnesty lodge.

now, quickly, let’s break down the “normal” npcs that are, knowingly or not, involved in what’s going on with amnesty lodge:

leo: ex chosen one, already knows what’s going on, knew for longer than duck did. he already has a major role in the story, so i’m sure he’s fine

pigeon wilson: ngl i kinda forgot abt her, but she knows a lot. but, still, she had her “place” in the story in fighting the monsters, and i don’t think she’d try to target amnesty. if anything, she’d want to get involved w/ the pine guard, but i digress

calvin owens: a high school kid who was attacked and, against his will, dragged into all this shit. i honestly think he’s terrified and doesn’t want to get involved anymore

sheriff owens: knows more than he’s actually aware of, but he’s so fed up with ned and the cryptonomica that i don’t think he believes any of it yet. right now, i think he’s a source of tension in the story.

juno: knows that something is going on bc duck just happened to know that the train-thing was gonna crash. if im being honest, i don’t know enough about her to make a judgement call yet

the hornets: this one’s obvious, but i guess it’s good to note that keith knew the most first, but none of them know what’s fully going on yet

so, all these people (and forgive me if i’m missing some i don’t have the wiki pulled up) are people who have been directly involved one way or another. either they learned something from one or more members of the pine guard, or has taken part in monster hunting, or, in leo’s specific case, was a monster hunter

but there’s one npc left that ik we all love joking abt w/ his apparent obliviousness, but i think we should all start being just a bit more wary of: agent stern

now, this is where i myself am still piecing things together, bc i don’t necessarily think that stern is an abomination or is in cahoots with an abomination or what have you. but, honestly, i wouldn’t be surprised if he knows more than he lets on. bc, listen, i love the “bigfoot’s number one fan, agent stern, is served pancakes by bigfoot every morning and has yet to figure it out” joke just as much as the next person, but i think he might end up knowing a lot more than we think. i mean, for one, he’s living in amnesty, and has been for months. i’m not saying that he saw actual bigfoot walking out of the hotsprings, or opened a wrong door and found thacker, but there’s probably been some close calls.

(okay this is commentary from my proofreading but i just remembered the fucking creepy stunt “thacker” pulled when he seemed to be posessed and talking to aubrey through the speaker and that might be connected, might not be, but i don’t even have time to unpack that)

but, still, that’s not really what i think is happening. i don’t think stern is gonna show up one episode and be like, “aha! i knew it! i have been working with the abominations to figure out what you guys are doing!” no, per se, i think the abomination knows that stern is in amnesty lodge, and that stern works for the FBI in unexplained phenomena, and that stern is currently surrounded by unexplained phenomena.

which leads me to backtrack back to this abomnation: if the theory that i thought about while avoiding my feelings is actually true, this abomination knows a lot. this abomination knows to “become” dani, the explicit vampire in amnesty lodge. it knows that jake used to hang around with the hornets but now there’s some bad blood and, not only that, probably knows that aubrey threatened to burn keith alive (bluffing or not, she still said it). and this abomination is in kepler, home of cryptids and monsters and every other unexplained phenomena. 

but, with all that, this abomination seems to know the pine guard’s plans. like, it knew that they were going to the morgue!!! i don’t think “gregor” actually being not-gregor and the actual gregor being dead and the pine guard being there at that time was not some coincidence!!! whatever this abomination is, and as of rn i think it’s some shapeshifting thing, it knows a lot more than it should.

and then, to tie this all up in a messy bow, my personal thinking as to why this abomination is targeting amnesty lodge is this: to start conflict between the humans and the monsters. griffin has been dropping stuff everywhere about wars that broke out on other planets similar to ours/sylvane. janelle told aubrey that sylvane is not her world to save because of the war it could cause. 

i think abominations have a lot more awareness than we give them credit for, and i think this is how we’re going to start to see it. i think this abomination is following around the pine guard, feigning amnesty residents as suspects, and committing crimes that can be seen as motives because of the devastation it would cause. bc, it was said in the episode w/ regards to the hornets, if people knew that monsters were real and living in the town, would they stop at just the “bad” monsters, or would they do anything to be rid of all of them?

which this, i think, can raise the questions as to why this abomination would want to cause war, or if it’s against sylvane or against kepler or against both worlds in general, but i don’t even know if i’m right in any of this and i don’t want to make this post any longer than it already is

but, still, thanks for coming to my ted talk