#this is also probably highly incoherent

[friskarm]

tentatively putting my thoughts into the tag. for context i am an anime-only watcher but i've been really, really enjoying the mage exam arc and i was definitely a little surprised to find out that this arc has a lot of people frustrated!

one of the strengths of this arc, i think, is seeing how frieren interacts with characters and personalities we've not seen her encounter before. fern and stark are both relatively placid as people; they're generally content to go along with what frieren says.

lawine and kanne are two very strong personalities that frieren initially doesn't know how to deal with at all! they have a whole thing going on and frieren's choice is to. not handle it at all. rather, she spends much of her time quietly observing the two of them until she can speak with each of them individually and figure them out, just a bit. she really struggles to get a grasp on the situation until she does that; it's lawine and kanne who are acting first within their team.

then, secondly -- frieren's plan is so. elf with a lot of time to spare. the impact of the time limit is felt so strongly by every human character on the field; everyone is in such a rush! fern's team are stoked they caught a stille so early. the team that attacks them are desperate to steal it asap. after lawine freezes the lake, the other teams are desperately trying to thaw it, for a quick solution.

frieren, though? frieren's solution takes a shitton of time and involves her essentially meditating by a pond for god knows how many hours. it's such a frieren plan; i feel like only someone with a relationship with time like frieren does would come up with it.

tldr; frieren's capacity to form relationships and understand people and her relationship with time are shown off in a really interesting way wrt the way frieren solves the stille problem.

that, and... it seems a bit silly to say this about a show with a certain character in the title but... i do not feel that frieren is exclusively about frieren. it is certainly a story about her adventures but frieren is by no means the only important character! fern is also there! and stark but hes on vacation. so let's talk about fern.

the one fight scene fern has is so unbelieveably crunchy to me bc we learn so much about the world (now) and about the world (part)/frieren's view on magic from it! the girl she fights has really impressive magic; we know that this is generally considered a time of peace, the demon lord is dead, etc. magic is not necessarily a means to an end. i wonder if this means magic has entered a sort of renaissance? a time period after a period of great upheaval, where social structure is thrown out the window and great advances are made in technology, science - and maybe magic!

the way fern uses magic is very indicative of how frieren feels about magic. fern says (that frieren said) that "this is enough to defeat mages of this era", which is so interesting to me bc yes, ofc, fern does win! with her simple magic and full auto fire. but does that automatically mean fern is a better mage? it's complicated...

you hear a lot about the different philosophies of people who use magic in these episodes, and what i'm really interested in seeing is mr war guy meet frieren, bc i think they'd be the most interesting contrast -- a warrior of the past, and a warrior of today.

specifically bc -- frieren is basically a custom-designed warrior. the way she can mask her mana is very specifically designed to be able to weaponised against demons, flamme did that to her very purposefully. the way she's trained fern is also indicative of that; fern's immense firepower and stamina being "enough to defeat mages of this era" without being flashy so to speak indicate, at least to me, that this sort of thing was common in frieren's time! but this is a type of magic very specifically made for battle against a very specific enemy.

no wonder frieren likes collecting weird spells so much... i wonder if she's had much time at all in the past to play around with magic for the sake of anything but fighting and training to fight?

[entertxinmyfaith]

In all of the amazing character analyses and studies that I have seen done for Akutagawa's character in BSD, something I really wish people talked about more is how deeply, deeply, lonely he is. I think his antisocial tendencies are often played off for laughs but re-reading the Beast spin-off recently made me realize exactly how much personal loss Akutagawa has had and how tragically it has wounded his concept of friendship. There is no shortage of examples of him treating people poorly and pushing them away and yet, despite this, we are given canonical evidence that he actually values friendship very highly and is angry and frustrated about his own lack of friends.

Most people interpret his little rant in the elevator to Atsushi from the end of season 2 to be primarily about Dazai but the line specifically about how Atsushi was blessed with friends has always stuck out to me primarily because of how angry Akutagawa is when he says it. He's furious when he's listing what he perceives as the gifts that Atsushi was given but does not fully appreciate. This used to strike me as odd since Akutagawa is generally seen keeping others at arm's length and never letting anyone get too close to him but re-reading Beast gave me a better perspective on this particular behavior in a way that broke my heart.

And while Beast is an AU of the original series, the backstory given for Akutagawa is remarkably similar to the one given in the Heartless Curr short story. What this shows us is that Akutagawa cared very deeply about the kids he was protecting and hints that the infamous massacre which eventually led him to Dazai was not his first experience losing the people close to him. Loss is something he is all too familiar with and what happens with the mercenaries can be thought of as an inevitable ending from Akutagawa's point of view but can also be seen by him as a personal failing.

To Akutagawa, friends are people he lets down and then die. Again and again and again. His resistance to letting people in is his own way of coping with the pain of loss he has experienced time and time again whenever he has let himself get close enough to call someone else his friend. So, yeah, he's angry at Atsushi who he sees as taking his own friends for granted and still wallowing in misery because, deep down, he wants what Atsushi has in many more ways than just Dazai's acknowledgment. Akutagawa can see that Atsushi is still unhappy even though he has friends by his side and misinterprets this as carelessness. In getting this mad, he is saying that, if he had Atsushi's friends, it would be enough to make him happy in a way that it is not doing for Atsushi.

It's no tremendous analytical feat to state that Akutagawa's hatred of Atsushi is actually just misdirected hatred of himself. Still, this interaction is certainly just one more example of this for the books.

Akutagawa pushes people away to keep himself and others safe but, in the end, this hasn't protected anyone, it has just made him lonely which only serves to make him even angrier than he has the words to admit.

All of this long and probably incoherent babble to say, Akutagawa is desperate for someone who won't just up and die on him to finally stay by his side and take the pain away. If I wasn't already sure that he'd already met this person, I'd wish that he soon would.

[thechibilitwick]

As an honorary Shidou apologist, I am breaking my silence. I’ve finally decided to go on a rant on why I don't think Kirisaki Shidou is an organ harvester.

(fair warning I like absolutely suck ass at organizing my thoughts, so if some of this is incoherent or if it seems like i'm repeating myself my bad 😭 I mainly wrote this for fun)

So, I'm aware that this theory is the most popular consensus when it comes to Shidou (and tbh, I think part of it is because a lot of people kinda look over him? Like at least a tiny bit more than the others, considering a lot of people also don’t realize how his main victim was probably his son and not his wife, but I digress) (plus I think all milgram characters are looked over to a certain extent). While I do think parts of it are probably accurate in some way, I don't think he was a full-on organ harvester (as in he actively stole from patients through illegal means. emphasis on actively) and that the theory in and of itself is flimsy at best. He's morally questionable, yes, but it’s more in the sense that he’s a somewhat apathetic guy who lacked understanding on how his own set of morals and values (i.e. pushing for organ donation) could be seen as wrong. So if he were an organ harvester, wouldn’t he be aware that it’s illegal? That’s what confuses me whenever people bring it up. I don't actually doubt that he may have done something illegal for his family's sake, it’s just that I still highly doubt it was something he actively did. And that seems to be what a lot of people think when they refer to the theory. (if i’m wrong please forgive me, i just assume organ harvester shidou = people think he did it as a job)

Anyways, more under the cut for those interested (it's a bit lengthy my apologies)

It then kinda trickles down to how his guilt stems more from the consequences of his actions rather than the actual action of taking organs. The root of his guilt comes from the realization that basically asking families to pull the plug and use their loved ones' organs for donation is a very, very hard decision; one that he kept pressuring for. If he was an illegal organ harvester, and was aware that his actions were in fact illegal, why the hell would he feel so guilty to the point that he’d start having suicidal ideations? That’s the key difference between his profession and his possible criminal activities; one is a burden both emotionally and morally, the other is more or less a literal burden. And based off of Shidou's character, he seems to be much more emotionally affected. That's also why I think a lot of people jump to the conclusion that his guilt stems from his actual actions rather than their effects. (does that make sense oh lord i am going ☝️🤓 so hard rn)

I get that some parts of his MV or lyrics seem to be suggesting that, but also it’s important to note that Shidou has a very strong bias against himself and definitely painted himself in a negative light. I mean, that's why he thinks every single preceding patient before the final incident is a victim to him, why he shows himself staying professional in a professional setting as apathetic (minus the pressuring part), and why he literally equates his job to STEALING. Not only that but, imo, it's also a little too unrealistic and might not actually fit the criteria of Milgram. Milgram is for crimes that are in a morally grey area. So if it really was organ harvesting, is it really in a grey area? (though I guess you could say that doing it for family's sake would be, but that's only for his family. He'd have no reason to do it otherwise). Plus, it'd make more sense and fit the theme of touching upon social issues (i.e. abortion, bullying, societal standards, mental health, etc.) if shidou’s entire dilemma was in regards to (albeit questionably done) organ donation, a complicated ethical topic in Japan.

Throw Down actually gives a pretty good rough idea of Shidou's thoughts towards his crime and his feelings in regards to it. He felt like he was blinded by his own values, and that inadvertently caused him to be unaware of the suffering he caused through his job. It really does shock me that he somehow was able to pull-off getting a forgiven verdict in T1 because he certainly comes off as cold and uncaring in regards to his work.

I think the final bridge in Throw Down kinda summarizes his entire mindset, actually.

​​Now slowly close your eye, put your regret on display Wishing you for someone else's sake With the same expression no matter who comes I don’t feel scared because I don’t know

Shidou doesn't quite understand the feelings of his patient's families, and therefore he acts remorseful and sympathetic more than he actually feels. Why? Well, because he didn't know. Up until that point, he never understood the weight of his actions, and focused on his role as a doctor. "This is an upsetting subject, yes, but it's for the greater good, right?” A braindead person has little to no chances of living, so why not use this as an opportunity to donate their organs? Moreover, as a doctor I believe it’s typical to be "emotionally detached” (for lack of a better word) since I’d assume becoming emotionally connected with a patient would make things at least a bit messy.

His mindset comes crumbling down though, presumably because he experienced the same or a similar situation. This part remains muddy for me, since we don't know much about what the actual cause for Shidou's guilt is. There are several possibilities, with the most plausible ones being:

he lost his own family member and had to go through with the same decision,

he tried to save a family member using donated organs, but failed, making it seem like everything he has done as a doctor was in vain

(a secret third option would be him making someone he cares about make that decision but it's very unlikely and also requires too much mental gymnastics)

But no matter what exactly he did, it all trickles down to the validity of his morals. After realizing the pain of losing a loved one, the struggle of trying to save them, and the unfortunate failure which left all efforts practically pointless, Shidou would understand the actual weight of his actions and why all those families were so reluctant to let go of their own.

This is even more evident in his T2 voice drama, Asclepius.

"In order to save the life of someone you don't know, please let me kill your family," I told them. It doesn't even take much thinking to realize how cruel that is, but… I didn't realize it until the very end.

This is the gist of Shidou's crime, or at least part of it (considering he says "Well, about halfway" when Es asks if their judgment was right). Again, this tells us that Shidou's guilt comes from the act of the effects of organ donation rather than the literal action. And this also implies that his "murders" did in fact have to do with being in a medical situation, it's just the way he went about it was at the very least morally questionable.

I will also acknowledge that he says he killed for selfish reasons, which most likely relates to trying to save his own family member. Here he could possibly have actually done something illegal such as tampering with patients or illegally taking their organs (latter is a stretch imo). Plus, his distorted T2 voice trailer line is literally "You're in the way, hurry up and die" which would only make sense in the context of waiting for a patient to die. But it could also just be him continuing to pressure for organ donation, but now with his own selfish motives.

Going back to the "halfway" comment, while I personally believe it might have to do with how Shidou views his crime as more than just taking organs, it more likely implies that something else happened that Shidou would consider murder. That being the actual death of his family member. It's implied through Throw Down that he was trying to save someone but failed, which he was responsible for. Then from there it'd make sense to assume that he would feel some form of guilt for the rest of his patients, either for the reason of failing to actually utilize donated organs even with the opportunity of being able to save them, or for just realizing the what it actually feels like to have to give up on your loved one. (does. does that make any sense.)

So yeah, I don’t think he’s an organ harvester due to what’s known regarding his crime, the reasoning for his guilt, and with the way he is as a character. The most I’d personally believe is that he decided to harvest organs for the sake of his loved one, but even that seems like a stretch to me. Thus, that is why I believe Kirisaki Shidou is not an organ harvester.

Anyways I’ve rambled on long enough, thank you for reading if you did and remember to drink water and vote shidou innocent in trial 3 because i will shit my pants if he doesn't get inno

[writingquestionsanswered]

Hello! Thank you for your blog, I've found it most helpful.

Do you have any advice for writing a fantasy story set in the real world, i.e. low fantasy I believe, in dealing with the "friction" of magic intruding upon the "real" world? Magical creatures running around London seen by people, magical acts that should not be possible in the "real" world being witnessed by people, how do you deal with the friction? Do you ignore it? Or do you write it in with some sort of resolution that explains it away? Can it be a part of the story itself?

Hopefully this ask isn't completely incoherent. Thank you!

Magic vs Mundane "Friction" in Low Fantasy

When you have magic intruding into a normal world, there's bound to be some friction, though the exact nature of that friction depends on your story and the framework you've set up for magic. And, on a personal note, I think part of the fun of low fantasy is seeing how non-magical people react when magic intrudes on their world.

There are a lot of things to take into account when deciding how to handle the friction when magic intrudes in the non-magical world.

Awareness - Who has magic in this world? How common is it? How secretive is magic kept? In a world where magical traits are random and common, most non-magical people are probably aware of it because they likely know a magical person. In a story where only a certain group are magic--like the fae secretly living in the world--it's likely that fewer people are aware that magic and magical beings exist.

Governance - In some low fantasy settings, there's some sort of governance over magic, either via the magical world or the normal world, to limit its intrusion upon the everyday. There might be places and times where magic is and isn't allowed, or maybe there's a complete ban. In a place with limited or selective governance, it probably wouldn't be unusual for non-magical people to witness magic. In a place where it's highly controlled or prohibited, it would probably be unusual to witness it.

There can also be an agency that exists to downplay magical events, blaming them on a gas leak causing hallucinations, or a potent hallucinogen contaminating the water supply.

Impact - The level of friction also depends on the impact of the magic that's witnessed. If your magical character shows their non-magical friend that they can levitate feathers in the air, that's a pretty low key intrusion. Even if hundreds of people saw, it could be chalked up to some sort of "magic trick" or illusion and could be easily dismissed. But if someone's magic allowed a giant dragon to fly loose in the city wreaking havoc, an impact that big would have some pretty big friction.

Once you've fleshed out the above, you can start to think about how you want to address it. Do magical people simply avoid doing magic in sight of non-magical people? And if they do see it, there some way to make them forget? Or is magic an expected--or somewhat expected--part of everyday life, even for non-magical people?

Again, it all depends on what you establish and the needs of your story. Let me know if you have further questions once you flesh some of that out.

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[shinysamurott9]

I finished Xenoblade X again today and... wow.

OK so, I played Xenoblade X for the first time last year in a marathon of Xenoblade 1, X, and 2, and honestly, compared to 1 & 2, I didn't enjoy it as much. It was the only one I didn't really know much about going in. I felt like it had a lot of good parts, but I hadn't any idea what I was doing because the game has literally no tutorials and I ended up stumbling through the game when I wasn't able to use my Skell, so I just didn't have as much fun with it compared to the trilogy.

However, after finishing Xenogears and the Xenosaga Trilogy, I thought it would be a good idea to give X another shot as a nice way to bookend playing the Xeno series, specifically after watching some guides and learning how the combat actually works (Thanks Enel)

And, holy shit. Out of every game I've ever played, this and DMC 3 are the ones I'm most glad I gave a second chance. I genuinely could not stop thinking about this game after I started playing again. Before I stopped pretty much as soon as I beat the final boss, this time I went literally all the way and completed the entire Mira Survey. I'm just gonna take this chance to go in and incoherently go off about about all the stuff I have in my head about this beautiful mess of a game.

Ok so the combat. Overdrive, is a completely balanced mechanic that doesn't allow you to completely take the main game’s difficulty and snap it over your knee like a fucking twig. Except it is. Like, it is honestly comical just how trivial almost everything becomes with the right arts on your build. And if you throw really busted arts like Ghostwalker/Ghost Factory or Blossom Dance into the mix, literally nothing can stand up to you bar the literal endgame superbosses, and a big part of that is just because a lot of them, Telethia in particular, are in positions where you literally can't fight them on foot and realistically survive without a highly specialised build. But with that proper build, that probably takes a lot of grinding, you can still beat them fairly quickly, save for Levael The Terminus, because it's literally in the middle of the ocean. All because of this funny counter gear.

Going along with Overdrive, is the amount of customisation this game offers you. Almost every weapon type offers you at least a couple arts that work really well alongside Overdrive. The build I ended up with at the end was a Knife, Dual Gun combination, mainly because Smooth Recovery, is an amazing art for Overdrive, and Black Butterfly and Full Specs are great compliments for an Ether Build with Executioner as the main Damage Art. Yeah sure I ended up using Ghostwalker/Factory like most Endgame builds, but hey that shit is comically busted, and I absolutely love abusing stuff like that, intentional or otherwise. Plus I do enjoy the idea of my Cross, Coraline, using the arts of Irina and Elma, her immediate superior officers in BLADE. Which actually brings me to,

I was honestly surprised at how much thought I ended up putting into my Cross this time around, but it was fun. Not just deciding on a good look both when creating her and finding what gear she'd wear, but also thinking about how her character woukd respond to the situations and dialogue options presented throughout the game. It's to the point that Coraline's basically become my first OC, depending on how you count Milton the Mythrakid I guess, since he's an interpretation of a character we know exists but we haven't seen or heard about. Either way I definitelywant to do more with Coraline. Probably gonna draw her some more as time goes on to get a better feel for the design as well as drawing her skell too just because.

That actually brings me around to the story. I'll be the first to admit that overall X's story falls short compared to the trilogy andveven Gears and Saga but it still has a lot of solid stuff that really git me thinking, in addition to stuff I only picked up the second time around, something Xeno stories have been fantastic with since the beginning with Gears. Obviously spoilers ahead as I talk some notable stuff in the plot

This moment really stuck out for me after simmering on it for a while. Because this idea that memories and the continuation of a person's consciousness are what make them who they are would continue as a prominent thematic plot point in the following games. Xenoblade 2 emphasises it the most heavily with Blades losing their memories with each reawakening, thus they lose their "contuity of consciousness". It's quite literally the central source of conflict for Blades and is everywhere in the main story and side content with characters like Praxis, Theory and Vess. Xenoblade 3 has this too, albeit as a more subtle background element with the Agnian and Kevesi Soldiers effectively being reset upon death as they are reborn, however there are still cases where things slip through the cracks, most notably with Eunie and Ashera. Yet despite that, Monica asserts to Eunie that whatever her past life was, it wasn't her and she didn't make it, all because soldiers simply don't have that continuity of consciousness.

Thinking about it now X has plenty of thematic ideas that 2 & 3 would go on to pull from. Things like a cycle of death and rebirth, something that Blade and NLA are trying to achieve with finding the Lifehold Core. As Lao puts it, they're the lucky ones who can come back as many times as they want. Lao's arc is particularly well done all things considered. A moment early on that stuck out to me was when they were discussing how Lin got her spot on the Whale as a way to repay her parents who were crucial in getting the ship going in the first place. Lao, whether he shows it or not, would have some misgivings about that, and Elma seemingly picks up on that and is quick to point out Lin's own skill were crucial in her getting her spot and that it wasn't just pure nepotism. It's really interesting to see Elma pick up on Lao's misgivings so early. If we do ever get an X sequel, which I do think and hope we will sooner or later, I'll be very curious to see where Lao's character goes from here. Speaking of characters who I really want to learn more about,

Elma is a really interesting character honestly despite the many unanswered questions surrounding her, it just has me more intrigued to learn more about her. The question of what her species and planet are like is one i really want to see explored someday. Funnily enough, 2 actually gave us a breadcrumb of that. Elma has a line when receiving a Seafood pouch item, one of her favourite categories, where she expresses fascination with the concept. "Making meals out of marine lifeforms, fascinating" which I've always taken as her species just straight up not having a concept of seafood. Idk why, it's such a minor inconsequential detail that isn't even from X but I always found that super interesting. Her designs are also two of my favourites in the Xeno series, especially dince they double as subtle references to Kos-Mos and T-Elos. I think I lean a little more towards Alien Elma though, something about the crystal hair is really cool to me.

A few other Miscellaneous things I can think of:

The sidequests are fantastic. While many are a little tedious, they do a really good job of building the world and fleshing out the natures and cultures of the different alien species that come to inhabit NLA.

The Affinity Missions go hand in hand with this, they do a great job of fleshing out all the different party members all the while giving you an avenue to learn their unique abilities. Most of those party members are also really well developed abd mostly compelling characters. Even the most if the ones who seem like assholes at first, like Boze or HB, do get better as their affinity missions progress. They clearly knew it was a great concept as it came back in 2 & 3 with the Blade Quests and Hero + Ascension Quests.

The ost is fucking incredible, I've been adding X music to my personal playlist over the course of my playthrough because there's so much good stuff in it. It's honestly criminal how much you end up missing because the Overdrive and Flight themes override 90% of them.

Skells are incredibly cool and a brilliant way to bring in the concept of mech combat systems from the previous Xeno games.

Phew, I think that's everything I've had to say. I've called out many of this game's flaws in other places and most of that I do still stand by. The game is in desperate need of an actual tutorial and QoL improvements. The game's draw distance can be quite frustrating at times trying to find specific things or characters and getting certain materials can be a really annoying grind, (Neinail Materials), but if you can put up with that there is a hell of a game there. I don't know if I'd consider it better than the trilogy, just because it has more complete stories, but it's quite close.

Overall I'm so happy I gave X a second shot and now I'll definitely be there waiting for a port or sequel. It's easily the most underrated game I've ever played. I'm confident it'll happen at some point but either way I'l likely have more Xeno stuff to play in the meantime if whatever's next is Xenoblade 4.

My reaction to this game.

[dalisman127y]

Mha girls x reader onsen trip

A/N:I had a theory that during the time that my hero academia was set, a monkey called "japanese snow monkeys" probably went extinct.

You happily sat in the water Wich was up to your chin.

You loved soaking in hot springs. Especially with your japanese snow monkey friends before they were hunted to extinction.

Just then you hear the door open and the girls of class 1A walk in.

"oh, sorry girls. I didn't know that this is the girl's bath. I'll get out" you said getting up.

"no, no. it's ok,babe" momo said getting in. "we want you to join us"

The others nod in agreement and step in.

The girls were talking about stuff while you sat on the opposite side of the hot springs.

You have memories of when you sat in hot springs with the last of the japanese snow monkeys and two of them groomed you, a male monkey with a scar on his left eye you named "scar" and a female monkey with no hair on her arms due to Mange named "swoop".

You often protect the troop with scar or collect food with swoop.

But then one day when you got home from school.

"hello? Scar? Swoop?" You said looking around for the snow monkeys. You walk thru town to find them face to fang with a pack of feral dogs. You can only watch as the dogs massacred the last of the japanese snow monkeys, one by one.

A law was then passed to never have feral dogs in their town.

They chased all the feral dogs out of the town.

You look at the fatal injuries almost all the monkeys took and you held a monkey's hand.

"NOOOOO!!!!!!" you yell and the memory ends.

You snap back to reality as toru hagakure touches your shoulder.

"hey, honey. How about you join us. You seemed lonely " toru said.

"oh, um. It's ok,toru. I like being by myself." You said sinking into the water.

"aw,C'mon, ribbit " tsuyu said swimming to you.

"ochako, do the thing" mina said

"ok" ochako said before she gives you the puppy dog eyes.

"oh,oh my god, ochako stop! no,no,no,no. " You said looking away.

She gets closer to you with her puppy dog eyes.

"d'oh all right all right all right all right! Just stop it already." You said.

You blush wildly because.

1. you're serounded by pretty girls.

2. you're feeling highly uncomfortable

And 3. It. Was. Hot!

"AHHHHHH!!!!" you screamed in your head.

"Soo, reader-chan. Was it true?" Mina asked

"what was true?" You asked.

"that you did this with japanese snow monkeys?" Ochako said.

"uhhhhh, yeah, I did." You said.

"would it be ok if we asked some questions?" Momo asked .

"oh yeah sure." You said.

"ok, first question" kyoka said "what does a japanese snow monkey look like?"

"well, a japanese snow monkey is a type of monkey who love to live in snowy areas of Japan. They have white hair and red faces. They also love hot springs. Because it keeps them warm." You said hugging yourself.

"next question" momo asked " how did the Japanese snow monkey go extinct ?"

"well, there are different ways they went extinct." You said pulling out your sketch pad.

"for example... Being exposed to the rabies virus, wildlife conflict, illegal hunting/poaching and habitat segregation all played a key roll in the extinction." You said drawing on the sketch pad.

"no one has seen a japanese snow monkey in 10 years we'd have to be very lucky to actually see one let alone a whole group." You said looking up from the sketch pad.

"well reader chan, we won't have to look very far." Tsuyu said.

"look up there!" Mina said quietly.

You turn to see a white fluffy monkey with a red face.

The monkey jumps off the fence and it walk to you.

It started to groom you.

"umm, what's it doing?" Toru asked.

"it's grooming me." You said "monkeys often groom one another"

You then noticed a similar scar over his eye.

"what the... Scar? Is that you?" You asked.

The monkey jumps for joy and hugs you.

"awwww. I missed you too,old friend." You said returning the hug. Momo sheds a tear.

"how? How did..." You asked.

Scar makes incoherent noises.

"uhhhh, what's he saying?" Jiro asked.

"he's saying.." you said translating, "my troop was ran out by a stronger troop of japanese snow monkeys. We had to move out of the forest and into the local town."

"but then we were ambushed by a pack of feral dogs. We had to go. I ordered a few of my troops to hold back the monsters so we can sneak away. And sneak away, we did. We traveled for months for a year until we found this place." You said still translating.

"I see, but why?" Momo asked.

The monkey chitters and you nod. "They were looking for me this whole time." You said hugging scar.

"awwwwwwwwwww" the girls said.

Scar climbs out of the water, and hoots.

A female monkey with no hair on her arms comes out holding two babies in her arms.

"hey, it's swoop." Jiro said.

Ochako gasps "oh my god! she has babies!!!"

"congratulations,swoop. With these babies you'll most certainly save your species" you said.

[matthewsvoyage]

alright alright I’ll ask then run us down how Alastair is such amazing cptsd rep

Okay okay okay. So I have a lot to say here and my ADHD has been causing me Problems(TM) today, so I'm sorry if this answer is incoherent and all over the place. But I have SO MANY THOUGHTS on Alastair, and how he's my beloved blorbo, and how he probably is the most authentic portrayal of cPTSD I have ever seen.

The Paradox of Maturity

So let me start by saying that I, and most other people who I know with cPTSD, have a strange experience of simultaneously feeling very old and very young. Alastair is an excellent embodiment of this - he is extremely mature in many ways and highly immature in others.

He knows how to engage with adults well because he always has been forced to do so; he's a caregiver and a protector because he was thrust into those roles when he was young. It's also worth noting that Alastair is highly intelligent. In fact, I would go so far as to say that he is probably the most intelligent mortal character in TSC holistically (yeah, Christopher and Henry are geniuses, but they have limited scopes of knowledge. Alastair knows things about almost everything, including observing and reading people to figure out their needs). In any case, these are all ways that Alastair is mature, and he uses them well. He knows how to engage with adults, how to command respect, how to behave as someone that they should take seriously.

In many other ways, though, Alastair is extremely immature. While he knows how to get on well with adults and show people like Will and Tessa that he is "an extremely well-mannered young man," he struggles to connect with his peers. This is true even when he's not bullying them. His jokes, while funny to me, don't seem to hit the landing with a lot of the other kids; the sense of humor is too mature, and they can't figure out what he means when he's being silly. He's socially awkward, and despite being really empathetic (which I'll get to in a minute), he comes off as emotionally stunted. He's distant. This is why Cordelia worries that he doesn't love her; it's why Thomas thinks he's sniping at him when he makes a comment about Paris being "a vacation from a vacation." He struggles to relate to people his own age. The epitome of the kid who's BFF with the teacher.

Another immaturity-disguised-as-maturity that Alastair has is hyper competence. He's grown up a caregiver, and he's done that alone. He wants to connect with people, but does not know how to rely on anyone; this is one reason that he is "afraid" of his relationship with Thomas (as he talks about outside of Matthew's flat). Thomas makes him feel vulnerable because he's someone that Alastair learns to trust and rely on.

Alastair, the Empath

And yet. And YET. Alastair is so filled with empathy, and love, and care, that it hurts to watch sometimes.

When I think of pure gestures of love, I think of those gestures that the person on the receiving end of them will never know of. Two of the best examples I can think of that are, in fact, Alastair.

He sacrifices his entire childhood so Cordelia can have one. In an ideal world, Cordelia would never have known that. It would have been something that Alastair took to the grave, and he actively worked to ensure that she would not find out for a long time.

Then there's Thomas. Alastair trailed Thomas alone while he was patrolling alone, just so someone would be watching over him. Thomas was angry with him at the time, and Alastair had no reason to think that they would ever speak again. But he followed him anyway, just to make sure that he was safe and okay. And Thomas would never have found out about this; no one would have, if not for Thomas's arrest. It was another act of pure, selfless love.

Alastair also has a knack for sensing what people need and doing it. When Matthew needed some tough love in ChoT to quit his drinking, Alastair provided it despite the fact that he and Matthew had been in constant, deeply acrimonious conflict for years. Alastair is the only person besides Christopher to empathize with Grace when James shares what she did to him. Alastair understands Cordelia's worries about the Carstairs family and is in one occurrence speaks her mind:

“Thank you, Mr. Herondale,” she said. “I hope to live up to your expectations.” Tessa looked surprised. “Why would you ever worry about that?” “Cordelia worries,” Alastair said unexpectedly, “because of the idiots who mutter about our father, and our family. She should not let them bother her.”

It's worth noting that Alastair can also use his ability to read people for bad. As Thomas notes, he can figure out your insecurities at a glance; this is how he knows to target James for his unusual eyes and demonic heritage, and to target Matthew for his visible cues of queerness.

But is this trauma? I believe so. Trauma makes people extremely sensitive to their environments. Growing up with Elias - and being in a relationship with Charles - Alastair would have needed to read cues to interpret their moods quickly. He also would have needed to figure out how inebriated Elias was at a glance so he could proceed to deal with him appropriately; we see a bit of this at Cordelia's wedding in ChoI.

Another good example of Alastair being sensitive to the needs of others (but also hypercompetent) is when he tells Thomas that he cannot make Thomas the sole reason he stays in London. "It will put too much pressure on Thomas" is horribly thoughtful and insightful, and "mature." But it also is almost ridiculous in how stunted a worldview it is, how much it sidelines Alastair's needs because Alastair is not used to prioritizing his own needs. His own happiness is not a consideration.

According to psychologists,

As children, survivors learned to read other people — to read their tone, their movement, their words, and their emotions. This was helpful to safely avoid danger, to know what a situation called for, and to generally rise to what any circumstance required. As adults, their challenge can be to not feel swamped by other people’s emotions or dilemmas and to not let other people’s needs take over in every situation. As adults, the value in this is they can intuit what others may need. Through this, they can be empathic, caring, and kind. They may seek to understand another’s perspective; they can allow for differences and look to find fair solutions for all.

This describes Alastair to a T. The other items on the given list of life skills that trauma survivors have also describe Alastair: responsibility and competence, as we discussed earlier, as well as an ability to connect with others.

Vulnerability

It's not all about reading people, either. Alastair also has a lot of trouble with vulnerability, but once he feels safe enough to be vulnerable (even subconsciously), he can't control his physiological emotional responses. I'm specifically thinking of two instances here, both with Thomas:

The Sanctuary scene, in which he cries in a moment that is probably THE most vulnerable he has ever been with another person, and

The scene outside Matthew's flat, when he nearly cries as he tells Thomas that he is moving to Tehran and is afraid of fleeing and becoming like his father.

In these moments, Alastair is not only the competent and highly intelligent adult that he is in fact. He is also his wounded inner child, having "persistent and chronic feelings of emptiness, helplessness and hopelessness." (Also displayed when he says he wasted his chance with Thomas, btw).

You can look over the "wounded inner child" list here, but some points I associate with Alastair include:

Self-sabotaging behaviours (fighting with TMT, almost moving to Tehran, going back to care for Charles at the beginning of ChoT)

Difficult relationships with family members (the distance from Cordelia, being Sona's partner in crime, everything about Elias)

Self-criticism/low self-esteem (he literally calls himself something that's "unhealthy and bad for [Thomas]" in ChoI)

Relationship issues (this would be a whole other fucking essay about the cycle of abuse and how survivors of domestic abuse often get into abusive relationships, but Charles ofc. Also the fact that it seems incomprehensible to him that Thomas might love him)

(Mmmmm would you like a "get to know your wounded inner child" fic about Alastair? Yes? Okay. I'm getting ideas.)

Ambiguously Neurodivergent

This brings me to my next point. Alastair feels... distinctly neurodivergent, but in a "slippery" way. He has some of the social challenges and high levels of intelligence commonly associated with autism; he has the empathy and hyper-awareness commonly associated with ADHD and other forms of autism. He is very analytical and thoughtful, but also very sensitive and emotional. It's a conundrum.

But those with cPTSD often feel like this. cPTSD is often misdiagnosed as autism (which is, in fact, something that happened to me personally.) It mimics a lot of autistic traits while still feeling slightly... off. Not quite like autism. Not quite like ADHD. Not quite bipolar, not quite borderline, not quite anything. It's just cPTSD, neurodivergence in its own right.

The Mask and the Real: A Non-Conflict

The last thing I'd like to say about Alastair is this. And it's really important, and what sets Alastair apart from other portrayals of cPTSD.

Alastair has armor. Alastair has a mask. But that mask is REAL. He and Matthew are two of the only characters that have this, in my opinion. Other good portrayals of cPTSD, like Ben Gross from Never Have I Ever (another blorbo of mine), have a hardened armor-shell exterior to hide the wounded child inside. In cases like Ben's, this is a facade.

This isn't true of Alastair.

I talk about this in my last fic a bit:

He was smart; he was clever. His tongue was a whip, and that was what made him Alastair Carstairs. On some days, he could almost believe that this was the complete truth of himself. It wasn’t difficult; his personality was not a façade. He was cutting, cunning, convincing. He did have sharp edges, and ones that he was learning to love as Thomas ran his fingers along them and did not draw blood. And yet, underneath that layer, there was more to him. There were the long, nightmare-filled midnights that Thomas held him through when he stayed over, drawing steady circles on his back and telling him that it was alright not to be quite well. There were outings where he would catch a whiff of gin’s strong scent and cover his nose, willing his eyes to show nothing as he walked away too quickly.

These traits aren't lies. They're not a shell he's built up around himself. They're real, and he has unfortunately been made to weaponize his sense of humor and his cutting wit and his intelligence.

Alastair feels real - and his cPTSD feels real - because he is a fascinating dichotomy, an enigma, and above all a great depiction of a person who feels real. His complexities aren't glossed over. The narrative is sympathetic to him while not making him a Poor Innocent Woobie. He makes mistakes, he makes amends. He laughs and he cries and he hates and he loves, and he experiences every part of the human condition to its fullest on-page. explicitly.

In the end, the only other character who does that is his equal opposite in all things, Matthew Fairchild. But I'll leave that essay for another day.

I guess I'll tag @alastair-appreciation-month in this because, hey, it's Alastember. Why not.

[rewordthis]

Watching Bucchigiri?! and waiting for the last episode to air can be conflicting.

Do I want it to end or do I hope for a second season for some more explanations (highly unlikely btw)? Do I let it go, because from the get go it was an incoherent attempt from the producers to connect dots randomly put on the paper? Or do I stay for the music, some cool characters (ok 2— but still) and the ‘what may be’? Genuinely asking here...

Arajin, as an antihero-type (more like pathetic) mc sure isn’t the first one I’ve seen, but good god he’s the stupidest!

He’s so blissfully blind and singleminded that to be honest, I see what Senya felt attracting him and possessed him. lmao Even he mentions that this is the way of life and a innate trait of those aspiring to become honkibito; to singlemindedly pursue their goal: to become honki.

Notice how it is shown, that the crypt in the temple opens the same time that Arajin rehearses his introduction for his female classmates in his new school. Peak confidence moment for him, if you ask me! 🤭

Following that logic, of genies being attracted to specific traits of their vessels, the bullet hit Arajin because Senya had chosen him. He actually says first thing when he sees him: “またはずれか” aka: “another miss?”, which means that he’s already tried to posses people many times before.

But, I want to point out some things that are showing through in the series, and this is going to be one long-ass and winding post, so buckle up I guess, if you dare to read further down below the cut!

◆ As for those of you that have a short fuse and still opened this, I’ll be kind and tell you that you can skip to the last paragraph (green colour) for what my expectations are for the final episode. Cheers~

◆ So here we go:

1. Honkibito: 本気人 or マジン (majin) as Senya says and Usagi-san has already very coherently explained here, are spirits that are free to posses whoever they feel more attracted to or consider strong enough for their goals and can equally, easily abandon anyone that doesn’t have it in him. It: is the overpowering desire/will (nozomi) that one holds in his heart. Also, in my boop-induced stupor, I commented on a post, that honki may have been a word play for stars, seeing how the theme is 1000+1 nights and Senya’s symbol is the sun while Ichiya’s is the moon, but love, I am not sure when my moments happen correctly… I was just thinking that 本(hon) can invoke a recall on 本能(honou) instinct -> 炎(hono) flames -> 星(hoshi) stars (because they burn) -> 欲しい(hoshi-i) desire (this is completely inaccurate though, in terms of how the actual pronunciations are and the kanjis… I’m sure the kanjis don’t stem from the same sources either) and I also, actually thought that 本鬼 or 本生 could be other ways to write it. Because 本鬼 could be read as honki: real/wood demon (Akutaro refers to Senya as oni (demon)): and in the Chinese astrology there’s the demon star (7killings and represents the warrior — though it represents the wrong way of using power) and I mostly based what I said about stars on the thought that, what if it means it falls under a wood master since wood grows tall to reach the sky and they fight to reach their higher/true selves? Because aspiring to reach your higher state is like aspiring to get a seat on the sky, appointed by Zeus(!) and that meant you had to die in battle as a true warrior for that to happen (also the spirit probably needs to be free and not “sealed”, too) — hence why they turned into genies instead. (Still new to Chinese astrology here though, and honestly very fucking confused… 😵‍💫 Sorry… ) But there is actually, arcane knowledge about how someone could become a Hero in ancient times which was happening during time intervals in correspondence with the zodiac cycle, however one had to be initiated through a ceremony; one such being The Eleusinian Mysteries. And 本生, can it be read as honki, too (huge stretch here. Help!)? Because that may apply to the spartan/straight-way of life the warriors live, but apparently there’s also a famous buddhist work that is titled Jataka Tales, which I had no clue until now, when I tried to search the kanjis... Ok. I think I exhausted my stupidity quota with this one, I should be studying a lot more consistently than just brain-dumping everything in a mixer and expect a smoothy later. Haha 😅

2. Senya and Ichiya were once humans. And by the time they were killed they were very much vulnerable and well, human and killable. Ichiya, especially was very much in anger at that time without managing to solve the issue he had with Senya…

3. They were sealed (Senya’s words) when they were killed after the wars had ended. (Poor guys did their mission and didn’t get to play after… 🥺) This actually leads me to believe that their souls ie: spirit (気) was bound by a spell to not the bullet (because how else was Arajin able to reshoot himself? the bullet never gets lost or the pistol refilled…), but rather the crystals on the pistols. Each one was killed by only one pistol with their corresponding colour on its crystals. By the way, it is said that crystals can be bearers of supernatural powers or cages of spirits, because of their close relation to the earth and therefore all the energies that run through her. If you have seen anything from Jujutsu Kaisen, these pistols are what is considered a “cursed object” practically.

4. The fact that nobody can see Senya or Ichiya (they can’t even see each other, please! 😫), unless they touch the bullet makes me think that their spirit gets projected into the material world through there but it’s otherwise only seen by their vessel because they are part of its aura. Also, I don’t think ichiya ever really possessed Akutaro because he probably didn’t shoot himself. I mean, we don’t see him having a bullet on him, ever. And if he did have, he would have been alarmed by Ichiya asking him to put the pistol in Matakara’s hands and shoot himself, no? Sir, I think Ichiya only rode him until he could find Matakara, but I’m not sure how. 🧐 Maybe the black spirit was how he possessed him. Or maybe not. Also, maybe because Ichiya wanted to leave but couldn’t until someone he wanted more would use the gun (and Akutaro wasn’t dying atm) he just stayed to search for someone strong. Ichiya has been out at least half a year before Senya found Arajin. Upon finding out about Senya he can feel the clock ticking. And he sure didn’t know about Senya’s state until Arajin punched Akutaro. He realised that this was his chance! He was also pressed, to force Matakara into using the gun because he’d never do it on his own…. And Ichiya really wants to fight Senya… And maybe genies are able to stay as long as either of them wants to merge… I mean, both Senya and Ichiya tried to leave mid-fight to let their vessels die during it or to force them make up their minds maybe, but somehow they were both still connected to them and stick around because they wanted for their vessels to make a resolution in their heart and use their power. Arajin didn’t want Senya but Senya wanted him, so he stayed until Arajin literally felt betrayed by him. I think Senya was able to leave the whole time, he just chose to stay. He was amazed that Arajin was even able to initiate a merge all by himself. He’s one special idiot, if you ask me. But after finding out what merging meant, there was no point in staying with someone that didn’t trust him anymore… 😕

5. Why did I mention aura earlier, though? How is it into play here? Because Matakara could see Ichiya’s darkness lurking in the temple ever since he was a little kid. And I’m steadfast on my belief that this darkness stems from Ichiya, because not only was it on his side in the panel picture but it also seemed to form a writing of his name when it settled…. But, back to the point. Why could Matakara see it? Could his brother see it, too? Well, I’m not sure about Mitsukuni, because he didn’t seem to notice it, but Matakara could definitely see it. It’s because he has a pure soul. There’s honestly nothing better — and worse at the same time — than someone having a 100% pure soul. They are kind, bright and a treasure (ironic — I know…) to those around them, but darling, they are hell broken loose when they get a change of heart and play for the other team. Matakara’s pure, kind side is a lot like Makoto’s from Free! but at the same time I get many Keisuke/Kurosuke vibes from him! (I mean, I still have beef with NitroChi for never releasing official birthdays for that vn! 😤 I always feared that Keisuke could be a Libra, but he’s far more likely to be an Aries at this point.) I also had flashbacks at how Marito called Matakara Arajin’s dog, of how Kurosuke was mad at Akira because he thought he treated him like a dog! 😭 As n said: “stagnant water gets dirty and can’t return to its original state again…’.  Dear god! This must be one of the most beautiful allegories I have seen in anime, if not in general. Water cleanses, is the source of life, but when it pools it gets dirty and dangerous… It’s how powerful a weapon true purity can turn out to be… (Stray thought, btw, but why do you think angels are portrayed as ferocious warrior beings but are still the most pure, huh?)

6. Also, Matakara’s birthday is a day that signifies constant change in the person’s life. It’s frustrating that these individuals are supposed to realise later in their life how the family they originated from hadn’t really helped them at all at evolving or how they need to make ‘amends’ of sorts with their mom especially, to feel comfortable to forge bonds. Yeah… I don’t think so, darling. They are considered saviours of some sort, which in turn puts pressure on them, but in a good way. What triggered me the most reading this, is that they are loners in their core and only consider like one or two people ‘theirs’. Anyone noticed how he only calls Mitsukuni, nii-chan or Arajin, Ara-chan and how fixated he is on ‘saving’ Ken-san for last? Anyone? I’m accepting offers! It’s because these are the two most important people in his life. They are his bonds. His only, truly, fully acknowledged bonds! Kenichiro, is only tangentially important to him, because he was the only one that was second to his brother. Nothing more. So, very sorry for those who got upset when he told Zabu that he doesn’t really know him, because he absolutely meant it. It’s the truest thing in the whole freaking series. There is this darkness that Ichiya latched onto, which honestly must be SO deep, that it makes me feel powerless knowing there are people out there who do feel like this… He knows full well, that no one of his “buddies” knows how deep this darkness runs — they can’t even begin to imagine there is darkness in him to begin with — he doesn’t really even know how deep, himself. He felt oppressed for keeping it under wraps all this time, because it first got out when his brother went to juvy, and that was just him lashing out, mind you. Now he has a magical being telling him that he needs to be this way— he needs to turn into a monster himself and embrace this darkness to become truly strong. He won’t get over it until he realises that nothing is his fault and everything changes because that’s just how life is supposed to be.

7. Here I want to speak about that shadow/darkness that follows Ichiya, that from the beginning I honestly though it to be his “human despairs” that he had tried to get rid off; but for someone to separate and reject parts of their soul can produce incredible frustrations and pain that can result in those energies manifesting in a separate entity of sorts but which is still fed by the broken counterpart, so it stuck close after his death. I genuinely believe this fraction of his soul is still on the loose because he didn’t want to acknowledge it and that he’s not whole even as a spirit. But it’s also possible as it was pointed out, that it is an entirely different entity that possesses him, I still, beg to differ though…

8. I have a huge fear that Mitsukuni was a Libra. Libras and Aries are opposing signs and energies. No matter how good a relationship they had or how much Matakara admired and loved his brother, he’s bound to feel frustration around him. Because Libras can be exhibited as extremely righteous, which to be fair is highly subjective; I’d probably categorise them into the self-righteous bunch. Imagine an Aries now having to live up to these standards. Fucking hell… Not to mention that feeling this way, can also make someone feeling like they are being ungrateful towards the Libra person who showers them with attention and tries to spoil them by doing as many favours to them— even favours they didn’t ask for… 😒 This is an incredibly tentative power balance that can tip over super fast super easily. 😬 In one word: HELL.

9. I also just remembered how there’s a huge difference in how Senya and Arajin are activating their merge to the way Ichiya and Matakara do. As I mentioned above, Arajin is the one reluctant to merge but ends up being the one asking Senya and even activating it on his own during the time he faces Akutaro; he is the one with the overpowering will in their merge. Matakara on the other hand is accepting Ichiya inside him and surrenders his body to him, completely relinquishing and entrusting his everything to him, making himself to be the one with the weaker will despite how he naturally is before Ichiya possessing him.

Just look at him here, how he takes Ichiya in him: eyes closed and stance wide open… 

Again, completely giving himself over to Ichiya and in a sense, self-sacrificing in order to find the strength he’s so desperately wishing for. Oh my gosh, he’s such a beautiful character… *I hate them producers* (´༎ຶོρ༎ຶོ`)

10. Now that I remembered this, his blood type is O. In Japan most politicians or company directors etc, are people with blood type O and so they are also considered “the leader”… just so you know. 😑

11. Also, also! I haven’t really understood the reason the genies ask for “what is your wish” in this anime in particular, because it’s not like their going to make it happen, but it probably is required in order to establish a connection to the soul and the desire of their chosen fighter. I mean, how can you connect and even “merge” with someone, unless you know what their heart truly yearns for?

12. One more thing. Along with Arajin being themed by chinese tradition, there are other elements throughout the series, like some of the character names and even at how they arrange time. For example, Matakara asks Ken-san to meet him at “the hour of the rooster”, which is about 17:00 - 19:00.

◆ Change of heart; change of… clothes: What is the significance of Matakara being designed to have a hoodie? It must be convenient for someone his size. Hm. 

I believe that being interested in fighting as a “sport” or a “self-defining” means (as is the case here) is extremely unlikely one would make such a choice in real life. How so? Because wearing chains, piercings, hoodies and generally having loose items on your person, could prove a weapon or a leverage in your opponent’s hands and be used against you during the fight (sort of when being a goalkeeper and shooting the ball to your own nets kinda thing…). So in a way that, unconsciously, makes those characters look far more assured on their strength. Besides Matakara, other known characters that habitually wear hoodies despite their involvement in close combat are Akira (TnC) and Yuuji (JJK), who are also considered exceptionally strong and they also know it. One other example in the series that stands out, is Marito. The chains and piercings he’s wearing are all a means to say he’s got nothing to expect from those facing him. There may be that there’s just enough respect among those fighting that they wouldn’t resort to such tactics, but then again, Matakara did throw dirt in his eyes when he became desperate, so this is just to say that Marito is insanely strong and also insanely assured about himself— if not just plainly insane. In other words, the design is such that evokes characters with confidence and awareness of the gap that separates them from their peers, something to which it can be ascribed the why and how Matakara tries to be fair during fights up until Ichiya enters him.

Now, I’m sure it’s quite noticeable how Matakara’s light blue hoodie and white undershirt has given its place to a dark navy blue one with a black undershirt. This is because “darkness” is the theme metaphor here. Ichiya said when he transferred to Matakara that Matakara has a deep darkness in him to which he could fit in more better. That was what Ichiya was drawn to— like how Senya was to Arajin. Also, I’m pretty confident that Ichiya had his eyes on Matakara ever since he was a child and could see the “monster”… I also think, that the way Senya thought this to be a sign when he found out about Arajin and Matakara training as kids to become honki, is an indication of the genies being drawn to souls with this desire. Matakara, to be sure, also never left the town and kept visiting the honki temple, which means Ichiya could probably “sense” that original darkness he was drawn, evolving. He rode Akutaro when he had the chance, to manage and get out to look for that darkness. I kind of think, that maybe this has to do with the fact that spirits cannot be seen or be able to see since they don’t have eyes. Spirits are energies that you can feel, however. In that same vain, Ichiya must have recognised Matakara’s darkness during the gang war and was finally able to see for himself how really strong the kid was. The fact that he was able to strategically draw him out while using Akutaro’s grudge against Kenichiro was a very pleasant moment of success for him, I’m sure… 

Matakara as Ichiya keeps urging him to do, has to “throw away his weak (kind) heart” to become truly strong. There is an underlying point to this as well… One where he is currently learning to be more proud of himself, therefore exposing the bullet on his chest. It’s not a dark secret. It’s something he’s embracing and honestly in Matakara’s case, I’m happy he does. The most important thing for me though, has to be the location of the bullet. It’s smack right in the middle of his chest. Close to his heart. And therefore very strongly and deeply rooted in the one place he is stronger (or weaker, depends on how you perceive this). Matakara’s pure heart has center and spotlight. Unfortunately, this very same heart is being broken time and again and that is his biggest frustration. This is why he was wearing an undershirt that was covering his chest before. Because his darkness is in his heart. It’s where he feels weaker, unsure of himself, where the genie can patch a hole in his host’s soul. Does he have an inferiority complex? Most probably. Does he blame that on others? No. Not even Arajin. All he wants, is to become stronger. Strong enough to beat the monster. It’s not even a monster in my opinion — it’s misplaced frustrations that got too strong and got a life of their own (note 7 above).

Also, darkness: apex predators are blending in and lurking in the shadows, hidden away until they spot their prey. Then they make their move, kill, and leave. Does that behaviour remind you someone? Yes, it does. It’s how Matakara has started facing his opponents. “Again”, as Zabu comments. He goes up and challenges them out of the blue, plants them into the ground and then just walks away… 🥺

The really hard part though, is how he had to beat Zabu, because he clearly didn’t want to as is shown in the scene before Zabu catching his leg to stop him, where he doesn’t look at him as he lies on the ground; he just knew he had to overcome his “softness” and actually beat to death someone that was a “companion” to him in order to not falter in his pursue of “himself”. This kid is fighting to find his place not just in the world around him, but in the world within him. He’s always looked into the world without being able to point where he fitted in and once Ichiya challenged this (“friends are for the weak”), he was forced to go against his instinct of fitting in and forging bonds and move into a state of standing for himself. When Ichiya said that “the thing you lack is anger”, so he could initiate a merging process and urging him to lose himself in his anger, wasn’t to say that Matakara just needed to be angry at everyone, but more likely that he had to acknowledge his frustration and be able to draw out a real desire in him to fight not just for the sake of fighting and being accepted but for him to finally stand up for himself, for what he wants— how he should not be feeling guilty for who he is, because let me tell you, he feels so fucking guilty for himself. For being weak. For being a burden. For being angry at himself for never being ENOUGH! He needs to be blinded to be efficient, so the fact that anger is what can trigger this blindness is needed for him to not think and hold back anymore. And the fact that he’s so kind means that he’s never held a grudge. He never felt entitled to get angry at someone. He always, always wanted for things to be peaceful. Super ironic if you know anything about Aries. He’s literally the odd one in the bunch. But pure Aries really don’t hold grudges; they boil and fight and forget about it on the spot. For his birthday especially, there’s a tendency to ignore rules and have issues with authority (looking at Ken-san 👀) but generally being the warrior type individuals, that are seen as the heroes of the group. Kid never had the chance to built self-esteem, though or a defence mechanism. And this acceptance of his darker parts is actually a very important foundation that he’s laying out for himself to learn that some times change is inevitable. Darkness is inevitable. Negative emotions and shitty situations are part of being alive and it’s absolutely valid to feel bad and frustrated and to want more… And that (accepting his darkness) it will make him stronger. “But he’ll be unable to live with himself afterwards”, you’ll say… Yes, he will be tortured afterwards for what he did. He will bitterly regret beating Zabu and anyone the way he did, but he will have proof that he’s not weak. He’s not a burden. He’s not less!

★ I also keep seeing people talking about how the series refer to idolisation and honestly, I don’t think that’s the case at all.

Idolising someone means that you have put them on a pedestal and consider them far out of your reach and eventually give up on trying to reach those individuals. And that it’s simply not what’s happening with Matakara. 

Now, if we’re talking about Mahoro, sure; she even refers to Marito as “god” and has an extremely unhealthy obsession with him to the point where he even has to treat her like a pest to push her away— even though I’m sure he loves his little sister; I mean, who’s brave enough and eats that horror of a bento if they don’t love their sibling who prepared it for them? Especially if they have the chance to throw it out without anyone seeing them??? 😨

★But with Matakara it’s a different story. His whole negativity and frustration doesn’t come from idolising Arajin. I mean he does look up to him but he’s not thinking of him being out of his reach. He just thinks that he’s the weak one of the two.

We see him actively (aggressively, more like it) trying to become stronger. We see him aspiring to reach Ara-chan. 

Trying to get close and live up to his brother’s legacy, who was even considered a living legend among these yankies (and now I want you to try and imagine having to grow up next to a literal demi-god (look point 8 above) among common mortals, I seriously want you to imagine the pain and frustration of never measuring up to them for a moment here… because you see them in their everyday; how they move and hurt and live and breathe into this world… and you still can’t be like them… imagine the inhibitions and doubt this plants into someone’s psyche…) and now that he’s dead, Matakara will never be able to reach him no matter how he tries, because bro has ascended without him, before he ever tried to fight him even as a joke. There is a recurrent theme through the series that you become stronger and acquire power by continually challenging and winning over gradually stronger opponents. You literally “build up” your strength and your way to the “top” as it is mentioned in the series from even as far back as episode one, whatever meaning that “top” may has.

He even, still, wants to be a honki person, who from what we know so far, is questionable anyone ever managed to actually achieve it. (We just don’t have the requirements to know how honki-ness is achieved! 🙄) And the only thing that is actually wrong with Matakara is that he’s miserably failing to objectively asses himself and perceive how he appears to the others, and that’s because he was never in an environment that gave him the opportunity or the tools to build a strong sense of self. His parents literally abandoned their children, with Matakara seemingly not even in the age to start attending grade school. His brother, who by the looks of it was about 9-10 (they have roughly a 5years difference— depending on whether Mitsukuni was the same age as Kenichiro (Arajin, you bitch, come and say to my face that a 21yo is an old man and I’ll rip you a new one! What are we 30-somethings supposed to be huh?! Grr! ( *｀ω´)) or if he became an early leader), was also a kid that had to look after him even as he had no means to provide for even himself since he was underage and couldn’t work. They both had to be taken in and live as a “burden” to the new owner of their family’s old bathhouse…

How the fuck does any of you saying that, can’t realise that this kid literally grew up to consider himself inadequate and unworthy and being fucking torn and tormented so deeply in his soul, that he actually believes he’s just NOT ENOUGH!!! is beyond me. And you dare fucking chalking it up to simple idolisation… (● ˃̶͈̀ロ˂̶͈́)੭ꠥ⁾⁾

How can someone have such a single-angle-view perception to get so blind? This is “Arajin blissful blindness” on your part and I’d like you to think twice before you come into my house talking shit like that. (Not that the producers gave a fuck either to think this through, apparently…) _(:3 」∠)_

※ We are a Matakara & Ichiya wildlife safehouse and we don’t serve tea to haters and surface-tension-level character supporters here, the doors are open for you to go away if you don’t like that. 🐾 * gently boops you out the door*

We also don’t want to hurt anybody, just to achieve enlightenment. 💖

˚✧₊ As for why Ichiya acted like a dick in the first place, I am inclined to suspect, that this was probably because he realised that this was the end for him… 

I mean, he was angry at Senya for holding back, and generally it is showcased that when real friends compete for the same goal they need to do that seriously so that the other gets the satisfaction that they lost to someone stronger than them at least and even more so that they won because of their own powers and not because they are viewed as either too respectable or weak enough to be let to win. 

In the same vain, Senya is indeed like Matakara, because he’s not just holding back from Ichiya for being friends. He’s shown so far, to have such a strong respect for Ichiya, that he at times seemed to be ambivalent about wether he’d be able to really win over him. He’s unknowingly downplaying himself in front of Ichiya which in turn is also a form of weakness to boot, too. 

He’s making Ichiya double the mad he actually is this way because a) Ichiya wants to know who’s the stronger between them for real and b) Senya is risking his becoming of a honki, since he’s essentially running away from fighting seriously. If you’re not able to face all your opponents equally, you are not able to become a true warrior/fighter/whatever and stand alone. The top has room only for one, and one must always be prepared for the loneliness he’ll have to face. You need to rise as someone that has no human weaknesses.

But Senya knowing how serious Ichiya is, is also probably afraid of how much Ichiya will push himself during the battle and that’s why he said “if we fight seriously, one of us could die” to which Ichiya actually said that he’s prepared for even that outcome. And what is Senya supposed to do, then? Do his — so far, one and only (gege when I catch you gege) — friend the favour and grand him his deathwish, without even understanding “why” himself or try and talk him out of it while finding out the problem and meeting him halfway?

Here I should probably add what I wrote in a reblogged post, where I state that I think what Ichiya is also concerned for, is that they need both Ichiya himself and Matakara to push harder in order to achieve perfection, but that can only happen when you overcome your humanity. Ichiya sees being human as a hindrance and therefore pushes for all three of them to abandon that aspect of themselves. Ironically, while doing so he falls in the same trap he initially tries to pull his friend out from and now his vessel, too. Being angry and frustrated is a sign of humanity, therefore a weakness.

Ichiya’s birthday, represents people born on this day, usually having an innate “darkness”, as Ichiya said in anime, too where they can feel the pain and sorrow of this world. In order for them to achieve their higher goal, which is to stop feeling so powerless to save this world from its sorrows (because Virgo is the perfectionist and the helper of sorts of the zodiac), they end up hating their own humanity and trying to overcome it (see note 7 above) even if that means that it is to their own detriment. They pursue this with great zeal even if they die, because death will eventually come for all and they know it. They understand that the time anyone has in life is finite and they internally mourn for this. They also feel pressed by this knowledge, because they want to achieve as much and as best as possible by that time.

I also love how Matakara is an Aries and Ichiya a Virgo, because those two signs are traditionally incompatible but they can work out and polish each-other if they happen to interact. 😊 As signs in aspect, Virgo and Aries are also considered to have a “karmic” relationship, exactly because of the hard lessons they will force on each-other. Surprisingly, or maybe not so much, the cool, collected Virgo will stick around and work with the usually hot blooded Aries to teach him patience and methodology, especially if they have already chosen the Aries. If the Virgo finally forms a bond, it's usually reluctant to leave later. Aries on the other hand can remove themselves the minute someone bores them, but since the Virgo is aggressively independent, they can be kept in a state of continual mini-wars that push the Virgo to open up bit by bit and thus bring the Aries before unexpected discoveries and truths they didn’t even imagine. From outside, they seem to both stick with each other out of sheer stubbornness but the truth is that they take important lessons that hone their less evolved traits of their characters and they are keen enough to recognise that. ie. The Virgo learns to be more honest in sharing their feelings (tenfold in Ichiya’s case btw— imagine how much better he’d be at communicating with Senya after being with this kid for a bit more time…) and Aries learns how to objectively asses and look at themselves. Of course, a fall out is always possible if their energies and other planet aspects are not in favourable positions but, I’d say in this case it’s safe to assume that a soul-that-lived-centuries-ago-turned-magical-being, was somehow fated to be compatible with the soul that needed its guidance the most. (Honestly, this has so much potential and pain and hope to unpack that the fact the series were so half-assed, literally pains me as an astrology enthusiast. Ah, the greatness we could witness had the producers been a fraction more serious and enthusiastic about this project… 🥺😔)

Ok. At this point, I’m sure I have forgotten a shitload of things I wanted to mention when I started and also have messed up somewhere and made mistakes, but mercury is retrograde and the last episode is this Saturday, so I’m writing this knowing that’ll probably be smacking myself and wanting to edit it in a month from now but for now— fuck it, we ball! 🫠😎

I also want to thank anyone who had the steel nerves to be able to read this far… You truly are a force to reckon if you managed to tolerate my incoherent ramblings until this point. I’d like to thank you from the bottom of my heart and hear your thoughts in return~ 🥰

▼For closing, I really want to say what I expect from the last episode before it airs! So here it goes…

I believe both Senya and Ichiya will fully merge with the kids for the fight. They will battle to the brink of death. I hope it’s bloody and satisfying to Ichiya because he won’t rest otherwise. But I think, like Senya said that he “has no intention of staying longer with Arajin after he found out the reason behind Ichiya’s change”, that they might actually not be able to fully return to their original forms and so, maybe the genies will eventually be integrated into Arajin’s and Matakara’s bodies and consciousness completely. Maybe they’ll even be forced to do that because, what if Matakara ends up being near death and the only way to survive is for Ichiya to fully give up into him? Hmmm??? (I’m looking forward to hitting this one! 😎 they could even resume their training to become real honki people; both the kids and the genies) The fact that merging is dangerous enough for someone to die in itself is very important to consider, but as hinted by Senya’s words there is a possibility to retain or even return a vessel’s soul— which has me thinking Sukuna of sorts... Now, if we were looking at a tragedy genre, Matakara would end up dead no doubt, btw. The other option seems to be that Ichiya finally gets defeated and so maybe his soul is able to rest with Senya actually managing to achieve becoming a true honki; I… wouldn’t particularly mind this outcome but I’m not sure how it’d be for the boys… especially Matakara. I honestly think it’d be a little cheesy. I also think Arajin will get a bit taller as a result of that merge and I think that the shadow we see in the ending theme, it’s going to be his new self after that fight. And hey~ Maybe he’ll even get the girl… no matter how shitty a personality she displayed so far… 🫤 We may even get a glimpse of what happens some 3 or 10 years down the road. Who knows?! 

Now guys, I hope you had a good read. <3 If you stumbled on something that confused you, feel free to ask about it. Or tell me I’m wrong. Works either way! :P

Asks are open for all if anonymous is your thing, too. 📥

Let’s see what the last episode has in store for the fandom this Saturday together, shall we? 🤗

🩵💙🌙💙🩵

[missamyrisa2]

I'm about to confess one of my earliest tickle fantasies, so I'm a little embarrassed, but I wonder if you've ever fantasized about anything similar? (I also kinda want to see if I can fluster you the way you fluster me haha) Anyway, I've always wished there existed something like a spa, but instead of massages and facials and stuff you just get tickled. The goal is to coax all the negative feelings out by making the client laugh as hard as possible for as long as possible. The pro ticklers are all in scrubs, and before the actual treatment starts they have to do an initial consultation where one of them tickles you in different spots in front of all their coworkers, who rank how ticklish you are on different sections of your body, and which tools and techniques work best, so they can tailor your session to maximize your experience.

In my fantasies there's always several people "working on" me at once. They start by stripping me naked and gently restraining me on a table, then tickle me all over until I'm incoherent and literally sobbing from bliss. Oh, and throughout the session they keep calling to their fellow professional ticklers as "backup" ("I think we need more sets of fingers on that tummy, and maybe a few more feathers under the toes. Can we get 3-5 more lers in here?") By the end of it, I don't even know how many people are cramming in to tickle me at once, just that it tickles so, so SOOO bad, and it's the best thing my body has ever felt. It's not just all the fingers and feathers and other contraptions being used to tickle all my worst spots, but it's the countless voices cooing at me and babying me, making me feel horribly embarrassed but somehow happy and safe at the same time. Then they give me a bath using all kinds of ticklish cleaning tools as well as their many many fingers, talking and joking to each other about how cute my laugh is and all the funny things I said and did while being tickled into hysterics. 8-10 gigglegasms, minimum, guaranteed.

They also offer week-long retreats, which I highly, HIGHLY recommend :) If you read all this Amy, thanks for indulging me. I love your delicious teases ;)

Ohhh my gosssh I'm loving the stories you're all sending in latelyyy~ just sooo cute and alsooo this gets me sooo bad!! Consider me highly flustered~ because you know, I have my tickle therapist I see every once in a while anddd the whole thing of that is she's a healer and is alll about putting me into what she calls the "giggle zone" where I'm so coated in those sensations that all my negative energy is flowing out of the room~ and it works and also teases me into oblivion. Like in our last session one of the things she did was use two q-tips and was lightly poking them allll over my tummy and navel and it just put me into deep tickly fuzziesss (chuckling and teasing "tiiickled by a q-tip...")

Sooo yesss indeed~ multiply that by say four or five, and surround yourself in the medical environment and my gooosssh the ticklehots are through the roof~ silly, but I also think of it like very procedural with that many pros working away, like at those races where you see all those techs removing and replacing tires in seconds. Except it's a bunch of sassy pros in scrubs rapidly working their finely honed skills to hotwire your body into ticklish perfection. And just imagineee all those faces changing out, some of them peeking through the melee to watch and see your giggly reactions as they wait for their turn. They all have those smirking eyes, where even if they're masked you can seeee the smirk. The cascade of voices is almost too much to discern but the individual teases can't not be heard, every comment about your body and reactions like fluttering brushes in the inner ears~

And of course yesss the cleansing bathing probably before and after the session ~ because they have to keep you happy & healthy ~ a big sudsy tub with tingly bubbles, their gloved hands reaching in to pull your feet up for brisk scrubbing as those equipped with longer brushes grab and arm and work your pits and ribs ~ while a highly skilled tech kneels to minister to your royal area with the softest of cloths, working slowly and methodically as the scrubby teasy tools work rapidly ~ and the sweetest of the techs makes sure your face stays rosy blushy~ not to mention~~ you'll need to be flipped with poking tickles so they can grasp your legs and hold your arms while that lead tech ensures your cute peach is polished to perfection~

Naturally ~ you'll gigglegasm, and good thing you're already in a cleaning facility~<3

[jtownraindancer]

i've been meaning to read through all the charlie/the scientist fics on ao3, just have not yet found the time, but do you happen to recommend any of them?

Oh do I!

Anon, I'm delighted you're sending me this. I've fallen so hard for this pairing, and I never get the chance to talk about them. In no particular order, here are my favorite Charlie/Scientist fics from AO3, and why I love each of them so much:

holding you is bettering me by wobbeegong: Charlie spills potentially dangerous lab chemicals on his clothes and proceeds to wear his dirty laundry for two months. The Scientist falls in love with him anyway.

I absolutely adore this fic, and I've come back to it many times. It has a slow enough build, cats, awkward miscommunications, typical shenanigans via The Gang, and it's written in a way that feels natural to the characters. It's written in Charlie's POV, which honestly makes watching Doc grow more and more smitten even more adorable in my eyes.

My Funny Valentine by notastranger: Charlie has to work on Valentine's Day, but that's not going to stop him from celebrating the holiday.

Oh my goodness do I enjoy this one. This is a part of notastranger's series The Adventures of Charlie and Scientist, after the two have been together for some time. We get the chance to see Charlie's more romantic side, Dennis being lowkey jealous, and Doc being just a wee bit territorial. I highly recommend this whole series, but out of all of them this is the one I come back to most.

Doc Takes a Risk by Springandastorm: This fic has it all: katana schemes, incompetent police, love confessions... Basically Doc decides to finally tell Charlie how he feels. What could go wrong?

The story opens in Doc's POV, and it is just so full of warmth and love that I melt every single time. And of course to balance it all out, you have The Gang scheming, Charlie's complete inability to read a situation correctly, a much beloved kitty cat, and a flowing dialogue that feels canonly episodic. It's also a part of a series, charbitch<3, and I do highly recommend taking a trip through them all.

The Charlie Effect by Vituperative_cupcakes: The science bitch proposes a new experiment, one that involves studying Charlie up close and personal for an extended length of time. However, his subject has an infectious personality and it becomes hard to remain objective. Will science triumph or will he fall prey to the Charlie effect?

My god I love these two idiots. Doc (at this point it's just his name to me) decides to run another round of pills with Charlie, opting instead to do the observations himself. What follows is an almost epic tale involving knife-gloves, beat-boxing karaoke, disturbing heart-to-hearts with Frank Reynolds, and a healthy dose of blackmailing one's student. This one is always a fun ride!

The Gang Destroys the Science Bitch by WaldosAkimbo: The shouting escalated to threats, violence, and incoherent rage as the three pointed around, here, there, over there. The bar itself put into question. Because nobody. Goddamn nobody wanted to be left to do Charlie Work while Charlie was out…on a fucking vacation.

There are... There are so many things I love about this fic. The episodic feel, the characterizations for The Gang, the guest appearance, Charlie once again being one of the smartest people in the room, Doc being Fed Up, the comfort at the end. It's part of a bigger series called Charlie and The Scientist- A Study in Mutually Beneficial Affection.

The Long Game by IncongruentDesignations: See, Charlie can be kind of dumb, at times. But that doesn't mean he can't read.

Okay, so if you've been reading my Sunny tags for a while, you probably know that I think Charlie is actually far more intelligent than he lets on. And this one-shot? This is written by someone who feels almost the same way. If you're a fan of a smart, manipulative Charlie Kelly who has a rich life outside of The Gang, this one is for you. My only complaint is that there isn't more to it; I really wish it was longer because I'm genuinely obsessed with the premise.

doctor, doctor (give me the news) by ApprenticeofDoyle: Charlie gets knifed, and makes a friend.

Thanks for the ask, Anon! Happy reading!

Okay, I lied; this may be my favorite- well, 1/4 of my favorite anyway. This is the first installment of a four part series called doc and dayman, and I am in love.

This first installment focuses on just how Charlie and Calvin actually start to get to know one another, and sets the building blocks for the next few installments.

I don't- I don't want to give away too much, but this series is the Charlie/Scientist saga that I turn to whenever I want to read something comforting. It has so many highlights for me: Charlie discovering manicotti, Mac developing a conspiracy theory, an amazing approach to writing a demi character with lingering trauma, Burn Calvin repeatedly getting to be a badass, Charlie Kelly getting the loving support he needs, dorks being in love-

Just, please, trust me. This one is definitely worth the read!

[flutishly]

LBD rewatch, part 1

I’ve already gotten through just around half (certainly the thematic half-point), so I won’t be able to get into all of my observations and thoughts, but I thought I should still write up something before I kick off the Darcy era. So... here are my thoughts, in bullet points, in no particular order, and likely completely incoherently:

Lizzie’s highly judgmental nature comes across a lot stronger than I remembered. The first time I watched the Lizzie Bennet Diaries (and I think the subsequent 2-3 times I rewatched it not long afterward), I obviously recognized Lizzie’s snark and judgmental tendencies. She’s meant to be prejudiced, after all! It’s part of her character. And yet upon rewatch, I can’t help but feel like Lizzie reminds me of so many people who go through life convinced that they’re the good guys, while actually being pretty awful. (I’m vaguely reminded of the line in Megan Whalen Turner’s Return of the Thief: “They were born beautiful and mistake being beautiful for being good”, but that might be a whole other conversation. In a nutshell, it’s as both Lydia and Charlotte observe, that Lizzie’s diaries will always be biased. Which is not a bad thing.) Lizzie is often mean. And needlessly so, it goes without saying. It’s an obviously important character beat, but I think that in 2012, I was more readily forgiving of people like that. But today? I see a Lizzie who is constantly talking down to Lydia (who very obviously worships her older sisters and is constantly seeking their approval/time), who is casually cruel about Mr. Collins, and is unrelentingly negative about Darcy (which... okay, yes, again, plot point! but it’s still really mean to put online!!).

That said, Lizzie’s love for Charlotte is the positive flipside that I also hadn’t remembered. Their mutual hurt in “Friends Forever” and Lizzie’s hollowness in “Missing Charlotte” is evident and it’s hard to fully fault either friend. Both say and behave in a way that’s unfair to the other. It’s brilliantly done and the resolution and reconciliation was great.

Mr. Collins is definitely not as annoying as I remembered. Sure, he’s definitely irritating, but Lizzie treats him way more unkindly than he deserves. Like other than the “barging into a room uninvited” thing (which is definitely not cool!), he’s just trying to share in his part of the passion! And the degree to which Lizzie’s impatience is somewhat out of step with modern norms is only emphasized by how clearly Charlotte is able to manage later on. I also didn’t remember just how much the show subtly teased the possibility of his proposal being romantic after all. Even knowing where things were going, I watched the episode with a distinct sense of discomfort, which is quite impressive. If I wasn’t intent on doing a full rewatch, I probably would have skipped these episodes because they’re “cringe-y”, but no, they were worth it! Unexpectedly.

Lydia, oh man, there are essays to write here. Lydia comes across as so much less put-together in retrospect in how she presents herself to the camera, and I think a huge part of that comes from knowing just how much of her we’ll end up seeing and just how much she needs her environment. If Lizzie is the Bookstagram star, Lydia is clearly a wannabe influencer on TikTok. Yes, Lydia seeks attention in “negative” ways, but she’s also constantly trying to get Lizzie’s attention and acceptance and it’s specifically about Lizzie’s attention and acceptance. She’s hugely loving and loyal to those around her. She is lonely. She’s a youngest daughter who likes to party, but also likes to party with her older sisters and with her older sisters’ friends (which is not trivial). She fiercely defends Mary and Lizzie in this first half of the story, which I think beautifully sets up her struggles in the second half. Lydia’s insecurities are bubbling below the surface, but they’re already there. I could absolutely write so much more here, but maybe that’ll end up in another post, who knows.

Fitz is a nice interlude, but I had a harder time believing he didn’t pick up on Lizzie’s massive NOPEing when he told her about Darcy’s intervention. I never thought of Fitz as a particularly important character, and indeed he isn’t. Definitely doesn’t hurt the story, but he doesn’t really add much either. I found myself wishing he could have offered more insights into Darcy, but... alas.

Like I said in my first post, it’s somewhat strange to discover that a lot of the parts that stretched credibility in 2012... don’t anymore. I don’t especially like that observation, but there it is. And like I mentioned above, there’s a feeling of dissonance between the different types of social media stars that the characters would be. Lizzie could still be a Youtuber, I suppose, but she strikes me more as the sort who would make short videos about “intellectual” topics - her research (?), culture, books, etc. And Lydia would obviously be the sort who is constantly trying to get perform.

I felt this at the time and still feel it: Caroline and Bing are somewhat unnecessary to include on camera. It would have been fine without them. Not, again, that it’s bad with them? But it just doesn’t feel quite as critical and there is the slight ick factor with how everyone just lies to Bing all the time about him being on camera. Nope.

Continuing with the things I didn’t like, the way everyone talks about Jane and Bing’s relationship in terms of purity is unpleasant. The story does this weird thing with Jane and Bing that sort of strips their relationship of depth by using “sweet” terms. And it’d be fine if the show came outright and said how this ties into this particular couple’s choices regarding their relationship (romantically, physically, etc.), but they don’t. Not a fan. Didn’t age well.

Jane’s anger in “Snickerdoodles” is so beyond justified, considering that at this point we’re talking about two modern adults who have been dating for months. Don’t forgive him, Jane. He’s not worth it.

The pacing is excellent. I thought it’d be a slog to rewatch, but not at all. It’s delightful.

No, not everything aged well. The casual sexism - while possibly intentional and tying into bullet point #1 - is irritating. Certain phrases that are obviously meant to emphasize character flaws still should not have been used; the same effect could have been conveyed differently.

As with my endless rewatches of Pride and Prejudice (1995), I continue to relate to and appreciate Mrs. Bennet more upon rewatch. Go figure!

Having Kitty Bennet be a cat who follows Lydia around is still one of the most genius adaptation decisions I have ever encountered in any media. Ever.

So those are some of my initial thoughts from this rewatch. It’s entirely likely that I’ll remember more when I pick it up again later this week, but I’ll obviously also be posting (hopefully shorter) analyses or thoughts about the next episodes as I progress. It’s definitely a positive experience so far and I’m so excited to keep watching not only LBD, but also the next shows on my list.

(And to everyone asking: I’m doing this rewatch independently of The Look-Back Diaries! I did watch a few episodes of those when they started, but somehow never ended up following consistently. And now I’d rather finish my own rewatch “naively” before I add the extra context. That’ll be the next stage!)

[cvrc11]

AN INCOHERENT RAMBLING ANALYSIS OF A VERY SMALL PORTION OF NIER AUTOMATA (2017)'S THEMES

Okay so it has been 6 years of me basically thinking about Nier Automata at least once a day and planning to eventually write something coherent about it, and I still plan to do that because lord knows this will NOT be coherent, but @flemmboyant accidentally prompted me a few days ago to spew a bunch of analysis of this game she has never played at her and she told me it would be a good tumblr post so. This is my extremely rambling and incoherent response (slightly edited for clarity where her responses to my messages were relevant for context) to the prompt "Tell me about Nier Automata's themes", because I just needed to get this OUT OF MY SYSTEM apparently jesus christ it's been SIX YEARS it feels so much longer how did i ever live before Nier Automata. anyway.

This contains full spoilers for the game's themes and narrative, and also a single pretty major spoiler for the original Nier, and probably will only make sense if you're familiar with the game, so, readmore time!

[okay so this all began with me saying that 2B's highly sexualized design, and to a lesser extent 9S's kinda creepy schoolboy design, actually serve important thematic functions despite Yoko Taro's insistence that he just "likes pretty girls". So that is the theme I am explaining here at the start] Basically I think what Automata is going for with the fact that all the normal, "civilian" androids who are fighting in the war as a ragtag resistance are wearing sensible clothes and look like adult humans with fairly photorealistic deisgns, but the military androids who are created by and fight for YoRHA are either anime waifus in sexy maid costumes or pedobait pubescent boys in schoolboy outfits (a thing which is definitely more widely sexualized in Japan than in the west) is that the military propaganda machine of YoRHA is invested in the spectacle over the reality of war and purposefully attempts to distance their aesthetics from the harsh realities of war and make them all sexy and shiny and cute. And ALSO the game has this thing about how the androids have maybe been programmed to experience the equivalent of human sexual pleasure when engaging in violence and murder so anything that aesthetically brings sex and violence close together is in service of that, such as the fact that 2B's and 9S's clothes get blown off when they use their BUILT IN SELF-DESTRUCT OPTION because they're SENTIENT BOMBS BUILT FOR A FOREVER WAR WITH NO PURPOSE BUT THE PERPETUATION OF A CYCLE OF DEATH AND VIOLENCE but they've been made SEXY and CUTE to MAKE EVERYONE, INCLUDING THEMSELVES, FORGET ABOUT THAT FACT AND -------------------------

also the YoRHA androids are all made to be sexy and aesthetically perfect but they are not expected to experience love or desire or appreciate beauty, aesthetic or otherwise, while the normal androids who look like normal people DO experience all these things and act on them and fall in love and fuck and love flowers and landscapes but the YoRHA androids don't even KNOW that they ARE sexy and aesthetically perfect because it means nothing to them, it's just what they look like, and being half naked is meaningless to them but they always have BLINDFOLDS on because yoko taro is SUBTLE AS A BRICK and the scenes of the greatest intimacy and sensuality and love are those in which they TAKE OFF THEIR BLINDFOLDS and see each other's EYES

and even the machine lifeforms, who look alien and have nothing of the human form about them, understand desire and love and beauty more than these perfect beautiful sexy porcelain dolls who mimic the most exaggerated fantasies of their ancient human creators who are no longer even alive to appreciate them

anyway now you have the requisite knowledge to understand why i am insane about the one moment in nier automata that i am the most insane about, which is when, in a conversation that isn't voiced and plays out in text on a screen between 9S and one of the game's antagonists, the antagonist in question suddenly, in an attempt to throw 9S off, asks "You want to **** 2B, don't you?" and it's this big shock moment because OBVIOUSLY you ASSUME that says FUCK and this comes out of NOWHERE and it DOES throw 9S off HARD and then later in the game 9S's mental state deteriorates very significantly and he fights a bunch of 2B clones and during the fight he starts to be creepier and more manic and obsessive in the violence he inflicts on her and in the end he chokes the last one of them to death while laughing maniacally and also crying and you think the plot twist is that the censored word was maybe KILL and he's secretly been trying to kill her all along but then you remember that their sex and violence responses have been programmed to be the same and you realize the word isn't censored for THE PLAYER because PEOPLE SWEAR IN THIS GAME ALL THE TIME, the word is censored FOR 9S because HE DOESN'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE TWO, THEY ARE THE SAME TO HIM and AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

he's a GUN in LOVE who thinks the only feeling is BULLET

anyway this is only one layer of the like 5000 thematic angles this game is juggling. the first boss you fight is named Marx and Engels. Fucking. YOKO TARO, MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

there's a part where a bunch of children commit suicide and depending on how you interpret certain stuff the game MIGHT be saying to you, in that very moment, that they were never real people and didn't actually feel anything and were just machines doing a fake-out chinese room thing to mimic genuine human interiority, and grabbing you by the throat and going "so you SHOULDN'T CARE, RIGHT??? so WHY DO YOU STILL CARE, BITCH" and this moment rewrote my personal understanding of what it means to have empathy and what the moral value of empathy is, but it could ALSO NOT BE SAYING THAT AT ALL and their feelings COULD have been real in which case it is instead asking you if you feel good about yourself because you WANTED their feelings to be real, you TAUGHT THEM to feel like real humans, you ENCOURAGED them to embrace their humanity and be humans and not machines and now they're DEAD BECAUSE OF IT so WAS IT ACTUALLY BETTER FOR THEM TO FEEL THINGS, YOU MONSTER

none of this is even TOUCHING on all the INSANE shit this game does with GENDER there is SO MUCH GENDER EVERYWHERE the gender is LEAKING THROUGH THE SEAMS the YoRHA soldiers have comical over the top sexual dimorphism and absolutely NO interest in gender or traditional gender roles while the robots that have no sex of any kind or any reason to even associate with any gender whatsoever are OBSESSED with human gender and WANT TO HAVE IT SO BAD and they DON'T UNDERSTAND IT but they WANT IT SO MUCH and they KEEP TRYING TO INVENT GENDER but they DON'T KNOW WHAT ITS FOR they just THINK IT MUST BE IMPORTANT BECAUSE IT WAS IMPORTANT FOR HUMANS and in their attempts to enshrine it REVEAL ITS ABSURDITY AND POINTLESSNESS

this is the Little Sister machine. By putting that pink bow on her head of her own volition because of her naive and foolish but authentic desire to be a woman she is more of a woman than 2B, who was designed by generations of scientists to be the Most Woman Ever but who has never had a single thought in her life about the concept of gender or womanhood, could ever be. This is the game's implicit message all the time and it rules

i didn't even get into the themes about the unnecessary overvaluing of "authenticity" or "natural" things that are manifested by the fact that not only are there no humans in the game, humans died out a long time ago and the "regular people" you interact with are all other androids like yourself who either were never programmed to be insane killing machines like you or simply broke their programming at some point so now you ostensibly fight your forever war to "protect humanity" but are in fact protecting your fellow androids but ALSO THOSE "HUMANS" WHO MADE YOU AND THEN DIED OUT CENTURIES AGO WERE THEMSELVES NOT ACTUALLY HUMANS BECAUSE IN THE ORIGINAL NIER IT'S REVEALED HUMANS DIED OUT THOUSANDS OF YEARS BEFORE /THAT/ GAME AND THE "HUMANS" WHO MADE THE ANDROIDS IN NIER AUTOMATA WERE THEMSELVES ARTIFICIAL CREATIONS DESIGNED TO PREVENT HUMANITY'S EXTINCTION THAT FAILED AND INSTEAD JUST BECAME THE NEW HUMANS SO YOU ARE LIKE. SO MANY LAYERS DEEP INTO NOT BEING "NATURAL" OR "AUTHENTIC" HUMANITY BECAUSE IN FACT THE LAST BIOLOGICAL HUMAN DIED OVER ELEVEN THOUSAND YEARS AGO

So ALL that stuff I talked about the authenticity of "real" gender AND the authenticity of the "humanity" of the robot children has to be taken in the additional context of MULTIPLE MATRYOSHKA DOLL LAYERS OF FAKE HUMANS

[at this point she asked me WHO ARE YOU FIGHTING IN THE GAME because as you can see I kept referring to a war without explaining bc i was too busy being insane about THE THEMES]

YOU, or "androids", are fighting "machine lifeforms", which, you see, are TOTALLY DIFFERENT, and unlike YOU, an android who definitely has normal human emotions, are OBVIOUSLY just mindless drones with NO semblance of humanity to them, because THEY were designed by an ALIEN RACE to INVADE EARTH and then it's revealed the aliens actually died out on their own like IMMEDIATELY after invading and the machines have just been self-replicating all along lmao

honestly the FUNNIEST part of Nier Automata is that THE ALIENS ARE REAL and are UTTERLY IRRELEVANT

like. it seems so OBVIOUS from the START that the big reveal is gonna be "oh the machines are ALSO man made this is some wild misunderstanding and the war is pointless" and then you FIND THE ALIENS and they're DEAD IN A SPACESHIP and the FACT THAT THERE'S ALIENS THAT INVADED EARTH IS NEVER EXPANDED UPON they are never given A NAME OR ANY DEPTH OR ANYTHING IT'S JUST AN ACCEPTED FACT OF THIS SETTING THAT "THE ALIENS" INVADED AT SOME POINT AND NOW THEY'RE DEAD, LET'S MOVE ON

and they are NEVER BROUGHT UP AGAIN because that's the POINT, the point is that both the humans and the aliens are an EXCUSE, even if the androids didn't KNOW both species were extinct (which, the android LEADERS did know about the humans at least), it wouldn't MATTER if they DID know because the war is no longer ABOUT humans OR aliens even though that's what ALL the propaganda is about and the motto of YoRHA is PROTECT MANKIND and you hear that phrase EVERY FIVE SECONDS and then it's revealed they're dead and NOTHING CHANGES and the androids STILL shout PROTECT MANKIND as they go to kill and die in an endless war over nothing with a group that by and large isn't even hostile, they're just sitting around trying to figure out if putting on a pink bow bestows GENDER for fuck's sake they have no interest in conquering the earth for aliens that THEY don't even KNOW about because they don't even HAVE the mythologized notion of their own creators that the androids have, the machines that ARE fighting are only fighting because THEY'VE ALWAYS BEEN FIGHTING and that's just WHAT LIFE IS and AAAAAAAAAAAAA

you built a world wide death machine army and told them they were fighting for peace but they can never make peace because they're a DEATH MACHINE and all they know is DEATH and THEY'RE GUNS IN LOVE WHO THINK THE ONLY FEELING IS BULLET and that REMAINS TRUE ON THE LEVEL OF THE PERSONAL DRAMA BETWEEN 9S AND 2B JUST AS MUCH AS ON THE GRAND SCALE OF THE GLOBAL EXTINCTION GENOCIDE WAR BECAUSE THEY'RE THE SAME THING DRIVEN BY THE SAME FUNDAMENTAL PROBLEM AND THAT PROBLEM IS THE FASCIST DRIVE TO BUILD A GUN TO SOLVE EVERY PROBLEM

as you can see even when i start by saying "the FUNNIEST thing about the game" it ends up being NOT FUNNY AT ALL because it's ALL ABOUT THE THEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES [tears off my own head and kicks it out the window, still screaming about themes]

[skeetlebeetle]

haha i hav 69 followers nice. N E WAY look. i meant 2 save this 4 after the apply fic came out (way 2 long xplanation under the cut) but im impatient n i j made all this cool art so i think u shuld see it

(DONT MAKE ME TAP THE SIGN!!! if yr gonna use my art [don’t repost] u gotta credit me!!)

so i shuld probably start w this: im rlly tired its 1:30 am n this will mostly b incoherent i think.

OK. 1 of the 1st social medias i evr got as a kid wuz wattpad. ive made n deleted so many accounts.. the memories r craz,,, n e way, its mostly behind me now but i still check back on the website sumtimez n i check my notifs or whatevz. n sum1 i followed a while back is doing an apply fic that is basically like 6 percy jackson ocs.

now heres the thing.. i dont actually rlly kno what an apply fic is. but based on the description n other oc entries in the comment section its a thing where u giv the writer yr character n then they write it into a fic. which is p cool!! n i do luv 2 make ocs.

heres the other thing: i dont hav n e percy jackson-esque ocs so i had 2 make sum. n where did my mind immediately go?? ace attorney ofc cuz thats my obsession. so i decided 2 make sum ocs based on ace attorney characters. they were gonna b reeeeeally obviously ace attorney @ 1st but i didnt want it 2 b super easy 2 figure out so i changed up their names n gave em different designs n stuff. but basically they all hav the same backstories n personalities other than all the god stuff

turns out tho that i rlly like making knock-off percy jackson/ace attorney ocs so i made em like supa separate from their original ace attorney source n now theyre j kind of their own oc guise. i rlly luv how theyre turning out actually

N E WAY all of this 2 provide context 4 me 2 say that i wanted 2 save these designs n this ace attorney xplanation bc it was kind of a silly lil harmless prank way of me being able 2 say i snuck ace attorney characters into a percy jackson-esque fanfic even tho i didnt rlly cuz, once again, these r basically my ocs now. also idk if n e of em will actually make it into the fic yet. n i didnt want the writer of the apply fic 2 stumble upon my carrd (which is, yes, linked in my wattpad) n accidentally find my tumblr n see this post n then like. idk. disqualify me. "but beetle u didnt hav 2 tell tumblr n e thing abt these ocs!!!" well sumtimez u j wanna post art dude!!

BUT WHATEVER MAN!!!! im paranoid n the writer finding my tumblr let alone reading n e of this is highly unlikely. even if they did they wuldnt fucking care. so heres sum ocs i came up w. n in case its not clear (which it probably isnt 4 at least 2 out of 4 of these designs/names), rich is gumshoe, jay is edgeworth, phoenix is phoenix (woaw), n spyridoula is maya

note that 'rich' n 'dick' r both nicknames 4 richard, jay's name is basically 'scales of justice' n also his dad died, phoenix is so lazy that his name is actually j 'phoenix,' n spyridoula is i think j named the word 4 'spirit' in greek. also shes a hippie

FINALLY: i think i got locked out of my old pinterest which was fine cuz i wasnt rlly using it n e more but 4 this apply fic i had 2 make either a moodboard or pinterest board 4 each character n y wuld i put in the effort of making a moodboard?? so heres my new pinterest which is j boards 4 these characters:

x

[belphegorbillickin]

Hi again! Since you invited me to chat about TWST whenever, I may as well take the opportunity to pick your brain for more fun conversations. This time I want to hear your thoughts on where you think the main story will progress from what we know of ch7 so far. I’m personally quite curious to see what will be done with the battle and monologue from the tutorial.

(Actually, do you know anywhere where the opening monologue for the tutorial is recorded? It’s a real shame it doesn’t appear to be replayable through the game.)

You can watch it here! This person recorded everything.

TWST spoilers below! Sorry in advance for the incoherent rambling, I'm kinda out of it but didn't wanna leave you hanging too long.

Tbh I stopped reading about halfway(?) while I was waiting for translations because I knew I'd enjoy it more all in one go. Also because I was getting a little disappointed and thought it'd be better to hear stuff secondhand first and then go in with lowered expectations if needed tbh.

I highly doubt they'll go the romantic route as I said before, even with Malleus, but now I'm kind of unsure as to how much of a role Yuu will play.

Like, nobody even acknowledges us half the time apart from Malleus, that'd be a big change, and it seems like so far it's mostly focused on Lilia so that's who I would've said is going to snap him out of it before.

But maybe it'll be something where Lilia, Yuu, and Idia all have to talk some sense into him?

Or maybe Idia will come into play after and have a talk with Malleus about grief? Since Idia is someone who's dealt with way too young and Malleus is gone way too long without experiencing it.

Either way, I personally feel like they're saving the Overblot monster, which is almost definitely Grim, for a "surprise" chapter 8. I know Malleus has been given more focus than the others before their episodes, but I feel like it'd be really unlikely for them to skip out on Malleus' "redemption."

Plus Grim is probably going to overblot immediately after eating Malleus' considering the build up, and that would be a bit too much for one book. Besides, it'd make sense for it to happen when Malleus hasn't had a chance to recover yet, because that future looked rough, and Malleus is so insanely OP it wouldn't make much sense otherwise.

But who knows, maybe the time loop theory is way off base and they'll just tack it on at the end as just another boss battle. I really hope they don't though.

After that though? I have no idea, but I kind of doubt it'll just be NRC slice of life. Especially because that'd mean a lot of fan favorites leaving, but maybe they'll bring in new first years just for the gacha aspect?

I think it'd be really lame to lose the characters we've come to know just to get generic slice of life without them though, because it wouldn't make sense for anyone else to start overblotting.

Some people think maybe we'll start solving RSA's problems instead, which would also give them more gacha money I guess.

I don't know what to think, but I hope season 2 is when we try to find out who's causing all of these people start overblotting, something that's supposed to be super rare, and possibly put a stop to it.

We might not even get anything after this, but I feel like disney probably wouldn't kill it's cash cow for no reason like solomare did?

[hibiscus-tome]

definitions of love

(also posted here on ao3)

Two stacks of documents sit on the table before her — identical, save for the multicolored annotations in Tataru’s flowery script scattered across the one closer to her.

Lord Edmont waits patiently, as Rhea carefully makes her way through each one. The words blur together in an incoherent mess; for all the faith that Raubahn had placed in her to serve as his personal envoy, all those many moons ago, she was never truly built for the kind of work that demands one pay close attention to intricate tricks of language buried deep within already dense texts. Not for the first time, she wonders how Alphinaud and Minfilia can stand it, let alone flourish in this kind of work.

(”It’s not nearly as complicated as all those stuffy documents make it sound,” Tataru had explained to her, cheerfully and with an ominous sparkle in her eyes. “’Nothing more than a matter of exploiting a legal loophole. The only thing required on your end would be to sign the necessary paperwork!”)

“So if I’m understanding this correctly,” says Rhea, slowly, “you want me to marry into House Fortemps?” No, that’s not exactly right. “Sorry… you want me to have married into House Fortemps?”

Lord Edmont, bless his soul, smiles so gently and patiently that she instantly feels a little less stupid. “I realize this all sounds rather convoluted,” he says, “but recent events have brought to light just what lengths people will go to, in order to discredit the peace that we all are working towards. I don’t think it an exaggeration to assume that the True Brothers of the Faith, or whatever they may call themselves, will use every advantage at their disposal to drag not just the Lord Commander’s good name through the mud, but yours as well.”

—hence the question of her right to remain in Ishgard, no matter how many people here consider her just as much of a hero as Eorzea did before everything fell apart.

“Mistress Tataru was able to procure the necessary paperwork in order to establish legal residency for herself, here in Ishgard,” says Lord Edmont, “and the Leveilleur estate in Old Sharlayan has been contacted in order to do the same for Master Alphinaud. That leaves you.”

… an Eorzean citizen, squatting in Ishgard during an era where the very nature of Ishgardian identity is under threat. “I can stay elsewhere, if need be,” she says. “I can handle a few extra aetheryte fees a week.”

“Which is precisely the outcome we were hoping to avoid,” he says. “Not to mention, such an acquiescence could provide an opportunity to bar you from the Holy See altogether.”

If throwing an innocent child off the Vault’s rooftop could be justified, then simply barring her entry would be laughably easy.

“Now,” says Lord Edmont, “a marriage contract signed between an Ishgardian citizen and an immigrant would afford the immigrant the legal right to remain in the Holy See for however long they see fit. In the case of a widowed spouse, however…”

On the second-to-last document, a near perfect replica of Haurchefant’s signature gleams almost mockingly up at her.

“… such matters would be left to the discretion of the late spouse’s next-of-kin. And as I hope we’ve long established: House Fortemps will be happy to have you and yours, for however long you are willing to stay.”

With a long, weary sigh, Rhea carefully reorganizes the documents back into some semblance of order, that probably won’t match up to Tataru’s specifications even if she had the patience to try. “Lord Edmont,” she says, “I’m… flattered, that you would think so highly of me. But…” They’re inside, in a sealed room, but she leans in close to whisper anyway: “Nothing of the sort transpired between me and your son.”

He nods. “He would have made it clear to me if that were the case,” he says, “But I do not mean this as an accusation. Merely…”

“… to exploit a legal loophole?” she guesses.

He smiles again, calm and gentle as ever. “Exactly. You need not answer right away. With any luck, we won’t need to resort to such measures at all… but do think on it, at least for the time being.”

She nods. “I will,” she replies — and feels a little foolish for making such a promise, when there’s no answer she can think of that would truly be right, be it for herself or the man she’s supposed to convince Ishgard she married.

—

“You’re married?” asks Thancred, far too loudly in the middle of the Jeweled Crozier.

“Will you keep your voice down?” she hisses back — and hopes that nobody notices that her tail’s shot straight up in poorly masked alarm.

“Sorry, sorry,” he says, mercifully more quietly. “It’s just… gods, I take one teensy weensy little trip through the aetherial sea, and the next thing I know, you’re betrothed—”

“On paper only,” she cuts him off, “and for immigration purposes, at that.”

“Ah, so a marriage of convenience, then,” he says, stroking the hairs on his chin that he refuses to shave off for some ungodsly reason, even though he now has access to the proper equipment and facilities to do so. “Common enough among the nobility, I suppose, but I was under the impression that one of the necessary prerequisites to such a union is that both parties are alive.”

“A moot point when Haurchefant was hardly nobility to begin with.”

“Details, details.” Thancred pays for their hot cocoa before she can think to reach for her coinpurse. Then, they make their way over to a bench to sit. “What was this Haurchefant to you, anyway?”

Oh, where to even begin? For a moment that stretches far too long, she sits quietly, letting the cocoa warm her hands.

“Rhea?”

She exhales slowly. “He was…” A friend feels like the most obvious answer — and yet, it’s inadequate in all the ways that someone can be a mere friend, or a passing acquaintance. But he wasn’t a lover either, and therein lies the rub; perhaps it would have been easier if he was.

“He was important to me,” she starts. “He was always so kind, so warm, and he did so much for us without ever asking for a single thing in return. I have no doubts that he would have always been there for me, if I’d asked it of him.”

Even at the very end.

“In hindsight, I ought to have done more for him, really,” she says — though she can’t, for the life of her, think of a single thing he could possibly have wanted from her. The times he smiled the brightest, after all, were simply when she was with him, and there was no great disaster or tragedy looming over their heads. “Those earliest days in the Holy See, I was so… lost. Stuck in my own head. And there he was, moving mountains to make it comfortable for us, with nary a complaint.”

He deserved better, than what little she gave him in those earliest days. She owed him better.

Thancred hums, leaning back against the bench’s backrest. “So you loved him, then,” he says, as if it’s the simplest answer in the world.

… to be perfectly honest, he’s not wrong. “I did,” she answers, nodding, “although… perhaps not in the way that you’re thinking. Not like a sibling, but at the same time…” She trails off, the frayed ends of whatever thought she’d latched onto dissipating like smoke in the wind.

“So,” says Thancred, “if he were to have asked… would you have agreed to marry him?”

She shakes her head. “There was nothing of the sort between us.”

“Hypothetically, then.”

She ponders the question, turns it over in her head — and, well, it’s not like the others hadn’t assumed it to be the case, whether or not such a sentiment truly existed at all. But even then… “It would have been comfortable.” That’s… the most accurate word for it, at any rate. “A lifetime spent at the side of someone I considered a close friend and comrade… it would have been easy. He would have made it easy **for me.

“He would never have demanded anything more of me than I was willing to give — and I would never have felt like I had to give more than I was willing. Perhaps I would have grown to feel that way about him, given more time… but even if such a day never came to pass, he would never have demanded it of me.”

It would have been perfectly all right, if there never came a time when such feelings for him would develop — and if she were to explain to him that it was not a result of how she viewed him personally, but rather a trick of her mind or her heart that made it difficult for such feelings to develop for anybody at all, then he would understand. It would have been perfectly all right, if she were to tell him that the extent of their marriage would be a promise of cohabitation and a signed legal document; it would have been perfectly all right, if she were to tell him that she had no intentions of ever bearing him children.

—and it would have been comfortable to have a husband, even if she would never come to love him like a spouse should — to be secure in the knowledge whatever he wanted his spouse to be, it would never take precedence over her comfort — to be selfish to expect this grace from him, and presume that he would always, always give it to her.

A lifetime of everlasting comfort… it’s not quite the same thing as the kind of eternal bliss promised in most marriage vows, but it’s the most she’s ever deigned to hope for. Haurchefant would have been happy to give it to her, even if she couldn’t promise him the same in return — and if not, then he would have never blamed her for it. Just like he would never blame her if she were to selfishly sign that document, declaring him her late husband for nothing more than a legal technicality that may not even fulfill its intended purpose.

(Somehow, that’s the worst part — that for all that he gave her, all she can think about now is how she can continue to use him well after he’s gone.)

“I can’t do it,” she whispers, her grip tightening around her cocoa. “I can’t keep… taking from him like this. Not when I gave him nothing in return.”

“I don’t blame you,” says Thancred. “Besides, it’s the True Brothers of the Faith you’re concerned with, no? If they feel justified in throwing an innocent child off the Vault’s rooftop, then I doubt they’ll respect something so flimsy as marriage document, no matter how important House Fortemps likes to think it is.”

“That’s what I thought,” she says, “though Tataru and Lord Edmont seem to think otherwise. They know these matters far better than I, at any rate.”

They’d been so sure that this would work — and it feels traitorous to even consider spurning all their meticulous efforts.

“But even so,” says Thancred, gently, “is it such a bad thing to expect a certain degree of comfort in a marriage?”

“Not if it demands that one’s spouse forgoes their own desires to ensure that that comfort is achieved.”

“At which point it becomes a matter of how important those desires are, in comparison to the person one has chosen to become eternally bonded with.” Something softens in his gaze, then, as he stares down at his cocoa. “If I were to love someone so wholly, I would hate for them to feel as if they had to put up with something so unacceptable to them, if only to make me happy.”

“Even if it was vitally important to you?”

“How vital is vital, truly?” he retorts. “Even if it’s something I can’t imagine going without, I could never force someone to repeatedly put up with it for my sake… taking from them that which they were never willing to give in the first place. That, I think, is far more selfish than to expect that your own comfort will be respected.”

“But you deserve to… want things, too,” she says.

“Maybe so,” he concedes, “but… it’s complicated. It’s easy to talk in hypotheticals, but I’d imagine that a decision would have to be made at some point — whether those wants are more important than the person expected to fulfill them. It’s easy to say that the person will always be more important than those wants, but… I don’t know. It’s not that simple.”

Maybe this would have become a point of tension later, in a world where things had gone differently and she truly had married Haurchefant. Maybe there would come an end to his patience; maybe there would come a time when just her companionship and support would no longer be enough to make him happy. Would that be the end of it, then? Would there ever come a time when they would care for each other too much for it to matter at all?

“Although,” says Thancred, “if you don’t sign the document, then you’ll be no worse off than you are now. At least, that is my understanding of the situation.”

“And if I do sign the document, there’s still a chance that it will backfire horribly, if it has any effect at all,” she retorts.

He grins, somehow already, infuriatingly, knowing that which she can’t bring herself to utter aloud. “It seems you’ve made up your mind, then.” Then, he lightly raps his knuckles against the top of her head. “A decision clearly made with no small amount of forethought, with the utmost consideration for those who brought this solution to your attention.”

She tips sideways, bumping her shoulder into his. “Very well, you’ve made your point.” She springs to her feet, giving him a dramatic enough curtsy to elicit a chuckle from him. “I go with your blessing, Master Waters,” she says. “On your head be the consequences.”

With one hand over his chest, he bows his head towards her. “I shall take whatever earfuls our esteemed receptionist hurls my way.”

She makes her way for the Fortemps manor, then — and can’t help but wonder if Haurchefant would approve of her decision.

[loving-n0t-heyting]

Only-mildly-considered reactions so far to the transhumanist elements in diaspora (just reached the carpets):

The introdus is murder with highly accurate memoir-composition as an add-on; the stuff about “the fetish of embodiment” misses the point that it’s death, not disembodied survival

It’s good to hedge bets though and memoirs are also valuable, so you should probably split the difference by getting your brain devoured after biological but not “information theoretic” death?

Citizens are not ppl but the polises are

The bits where they breezily talk about extremely sophisticated AI’s being “non-sentient” without further comment are kind of unnerving

The “autonomy” in konishi still seems vague to the point of incoherent and we are clearly expected to understand it as fully straightforward