#this is dumb and I'm gonna delete this in a few minutes but I've been thinking about Kravitz a lot lately

[somelazyassartist]

.

[starlightxsvt]

3 dates | epilogue

pairing ➳ badboy!Seungcheol x female!reader

genre ➳ badboy au, romance, some fluff, angst, bad attempt at humour, gets spicy at the end.

word count ➳ 3.5k (total 15.6k)

warnings ➳ cursing, mentions of killing, mentions criminal activities, slight violence(non explicit), smoking, ma man Seungcheol ain't your typical badboy, blackmailing, reader does all sorts of risky things cuz she's a SIMP, blood(nothing explicit), kissing, marking, some breast worshipping, grinding, reader is horny lol. (Please lemme know if I forgot anything.)

a/n : here's the epilogue to 3 dates since tumb1r won't let me post the whole fic in one post :) Enjoy!

Part 1

As time progresses and days turn into weeks and then into months you are not left with the luxury to cry over Seungcheol. Instead you are bombarded with assignments and projects from your uni and you drown yourself completely in work to forget the scathing pain. Katelyn figured out something is wrong with you and even though talking about that man pains you too much, you told her that you are done with him and you won't be seeing him again in this lifetime. Katelyn did not ask any questions after that as you said you needed time to heal, time to forget even though you have serious doubts he'd ever leave your mind.

You have also applied for an internship to keep you even busier so that when you return home you are too tired to let the thoughts of him plague your mind as you drift off to sleep. And just like that, you have developed a routine, work, eat and sleep, trying your best to allow yourself to not think about him.

Despite that sometimes, some very few times, you think of him, wonder how he's doing, wonder if he's safe. You ponder if he thinks of you, if he regrets his decision but you don't have any answer. You simply hope he does.

-

After another day full of assignments and projects you almost doze off to sleep as soon as you hit your bed until you are intruded by the loud ringing of your phone. Annoyed, you reach for it, wondering who would be calling so late.

The caller ID has your heart doing a backflip, the name you were unable to delete from your heart and your phone flashing on the screen as you instantly sit up in your bed. It's Seungcheol.

Why is he calling so late?

You wait a few seconds, scared to pick up, scared that he might have called accidentally. But before you lose your chance, you inhale deeply and pick the call up. "Hello?" You speak, your voice tentative.The silence from the other end makes your heart fall and your suspicion come true. He called you accidentally and now he will realize it and hang up. You're about to speak again when his voice floats through.

"Hi."

The emotions you feel are overwhelming, undescribable. You're relieved, you're sad, you're excited, you want to cry and scream at the same time. That one word from him has you feeling tingles all over and makes you feel like you just did a hundred laps. Anyhow you manage to speak. "Hey." Your voice almost cracks and tears almost slip past your cheeks. You don't know why you are so emotional. "I just...I just wanted to hear your voice." He sounds so tired...so dejected and your heart breaks. Never in your life did you imagine him to call and say those words to you but instead of feeling happy, a current of melancholy hits you.

Why does he sound so broken?

"Seungcheol? Is...is everything alright?" Your voice is feather like, soft and careful. You hear him sigh loudly and you get your answer. Instead of replying to you, he asks, "How have you been?"

"I'm...fine," you lie. You have been nowhere near fine. He hums noncommittally and you're about to ask him the same question before you realize how dumb it would be. If his voice is any indication he is anything but fine. "____?" He calls your name softly. "Y-yes?" You whisper.

He stays silent, for so long that you think he hung up. "I- I just...can I see you?" He seems to have a hard time gathering his words.

What? You lurch out of bed pushing your covers aside in excitement, trying to prevent a gasp out of your lips. Did you even hear correctly? He wants to see you?

"Wha... what do you mean?" You mumble. You hear him sigh loudly, "I...I am in front of your apartment. Just come down for a minute." You don't need to hear any more words as you are dashing towards your front door in your pajamas, not disconnecting the call. You take the elevator and come out of the building as fast as possible, bumping into things in your way but not giving a care. You feet stops as you stand in front of the entrance to your building, eyes searching wildly for Seungcheol. "Stay there," his voice comes through the phone, just as you spot him standing on the opposite to your building, decently far but not far enough that you can't see.

A horrified gasp leaves your mouth as your eyes finally land on him.

He stands there, bruised, his beautiful face marred with scratches and wounds, his clothes having patches of dirt and if you are seeing correctly his left arm is bleeding as he holds the phone next to his ear with the other.

"Seungcheol-" you're about to rush towards him. "Don't move." He cuts you off, looking you in the eye. Even from afar you don't miss the dark, commanding gaze of him. "Just...just stay there. Just...let me look at you."

No- why is he doing this?

Tears slip down your cheeks, "Seungcheol-" You are interrupted once more, "Please. I- I missed you and...I needed to see you. Just let me hear your voice and look at you like this." His voice almost cracks and you can see the emotion in his eyes.

Your heart breaks.

Why does he keep doing this? Why does he keep pushing you away? Why does he torment himself like this?

You stand there, rooted to the ground, quiet sobs leaving your mouth. He comes here all bruised and wounded and expects you to stay away? How can you when you can clearly see him in pain?

You grip the phone tighter, watching him as he stands there, not moving an inch. His eyes never leaves you as he drinks you in, like this is the last time he's gonna look at you. You can't stand it anymore. Hanging up the phone you run towards him, as fast as your nimble legs can carry you. You can't stay away, you just can't. Not when he looks so hurt and lost and lonely.

Your body smashes against his as you wrap your arms tightly around his torso, your head buried in his chest. He stumbles back from the force and for a while he stays unmoved and you hold your breath, half expecting him to shove you away. But he doesn't. Instead he pulls you firmly against him resting your head on his chest while burying his face in your hair.

The tears come naturally. Loud, ungraceful sobs emerge from you as you cling to him like your life depends on it, your grip on him unyielding. Seungcheol softly pets your hair as your cries fill the silence of the cold night. You pull back just a little to look at his face and you want to once more. There's a cut above his brow and some bruises on his cheek and nose and another cut on his lower lip. But you can't bring yourself to care as you lean above to press your lips against his. You don't dare hold back, kissing him like the world is about to end. Seungcheol reciprocates, tilting your head for better access as his tongue prods into your mouth and you taste the metallic flavour of blood. The kiss is messy, all teeth and tongue, an outpour of the bottled up feelings of the last couple months.

You both take a lungful of air when you pull back and you're about to dive in for more when you realize his arm is injured. "Wha- how did this happen?" You hiccup, wiping away your tears as you gently reach for his bleeding arm. His clothes are torn at the part of the wound and from what you can see, it looks like a knife injury, a thin, slanted cut on his upper arm as if someone slashed him. "It's nothing," he says trying to push your hand away.

"It's not nothing, Seungcheol!" You're yelling before you know it. It's the exasperation, the accumulated frustration over the days that makes you snap.

Seungcheol seems to be shocked at your outburst as he blinks at you, an astonished look on his face. He's kind enough to reply honestly this time. "Got into a fight. I was outnumbered. It's okay, it's nothing serious, I've had worse," his voice is small, almost timid which is definitely unlike him.

Of course he has had worse.

You let out a tired breath. "Come on, you're bleeding. Let me help you." You wrap a hand around his uninjured arm, tugging him towards your apartment.

"No, you don't have to-" he protests but you pin him down with a look. "Please," you speak, your voice low. "I can't let you go like this. Just let me clean your wound." Seungcheol presses his lips into a thin line as if trying to prevent himself from speaking further. When no more words leave his mouth, you drag him into your building in silence.

Entering your unit you help Seungcheol sit down in your small living space as you quickly pad towards the bathroom for the first aid kit. When you return you find him looking around your place with a curious glow in his eyes similar to a child's. As your eyes meet, he sits up straighter and tries to remove his jacket. You aid him in the process, discarding the material on the floor as you take a seat next to him, the first aid kit in your lap.

Thankfully he's wearing a tank top as it gives you easy access to his biceps. You would have stopped to admire and ogle them if he wasn't hurt, which he is and you mentally smack yourself for having such thoughts right now. Seungcheol's eyes does not leave your face as he silently gazes at you and if you didn't know any better you would say he looked at you fondly.

Swallowing, you sanitize your hands before proceeding to clean his wound. Seungcheol tenses beside you, low, pained grunts leaving his lips a few times as you disinfect the cut. But he says nothing, letting you do the work and you don't speak either focused on the task at hand. You then do the same for his face and finish your work by wrapping a bandage around his bicep and sitting back, exhaling a satisfied sigh. Unintentionally your eyes connect to his and you find his scorching gaze on you, those mesmerising eyes almost piercing through your soul. Feeling self aware, you abruptly stand up, coughing to clear your throat. "You should take a shower. I have some extra clothes for my parents when they come over. My dad's clothes should fit you."

"No, it's alright. I should leave." He murmurs. "You're already here. Might as well take a shower. There's no rush," you say sternly, trying to make him agree.

Truth is you want him to stay, at least the night.

Seungcheol sits quietly for a while as if contemplating before surrendering with a sigh. "Okay." "Good. The bathroom's this way," you point towards the attached bath in your room and Seungcheol mutely follows. You offer him a towel and you dad's pajamas, hoping they'd do the job for tonight as he closes the door behind him.

As silence fill the apartment, you quietly return to your bed and sit, anxiously chewing on your lower lip. The digital clock beside your bed reads 2:50 am but your sleep is long gone.

Choi Seungcheol is here. In your house.

Will he spend the night? Or will he be his stubborn self and leave as soon as he is out? And if he does stay, will you see him in morning? Or will he be gone before the sun is up? The thoughts running rampant in your mind gives you a headache as you groan, rubbing your temples. You are sure Seungcheol feels something for you, he has to. Otherwise why would he come to you in the middle of the night? If only he told you his feelings, spilled his heart out to you rather than hiding and pushing you away. He just needs to bare himself to you, tell you what is in his heart. Why can't he do that? Why can't he just give the two of you a chance?

Your thoughts are interrupted as Seungcheol steps out the bathroom, half naked, the pajama pants hanging low on his hips as his muscled body is displayed in all its glory, making your throat dry. He looks at you before quickly looking away as an air awkwardness and tension fills the room. You hold your breath, watching him intently, not moving a single muscle as he tentatively takes a seat at the corner of your bed while wiping his wet hair with the towel hanging around his neck.

You want to tell him to stay the night, the words right on the tip of your tongue but you're terrified that it will just make him walk out here immediately. So instead you watch him with bated breath, waiting for his next move, waiting for him to say something, anything that will put an end to this deafening silence.

Seungcheol takes mercy on you.

"Thank you," he says, voice barely audible. You don't know what he's thanking you for you reply anyway. "Welcome. Though I don't know what you are thanking me for." Seungcheol remains silent for a few beats, his eyes focused on the floor before replying. "For everything. I have a lot to thank you for."

Okay.

You nod mutely, unable to figure out a reply. Another wave of silence settles in the atmosphere like a blanket. You take this time to appreciate his beautiful profile, engraving his features in your mind. The moonlight coming from your window falls on his face partially, illuminating his sculpted lineaments. You get to admire his beauty once more as he sits there but the look on his face tugs at your heartstrings. He looks troubled and in pain, the natural glow of his face somewhat dim. You wonder how the past couple of months have treated him. You wonder how life has been treating him, if he had someone to go to, someone to share his worries with all this time.

"Do you still like me?" His words make your eyes widen as it the last thing you expected to come from him. "You wouldn't be here if I didn't," your words come out harsher than you intended making you regret instantly. Perhaps the pain you have suffered for a while is coming out finally. However, seeing his silence, you reply once more, voice much softer this time, "Of course I still like you, Seungcheol. I have...I have never liked anyone or anything as much as you."

It's an understatement. What you feel for him is love but you would rather keep that to yourself.

"Why?" Seungcheol's voice comes out as a croak as his eyes connect to yours. For the first time, you see so much emotion in them and maybe, maybe even some unshed tears, though you can't be sure because the light is not sufficient right now. Your throat closes up for some reason as your eyes mirror the emotions in his and you desperately try to think, try to give him a reply that he deserves.

"You are very easy to like," you say lamely. Your reply is insufficient but that's all you can manage without starting to bawl like a child. A humourless laugh comes out of Seungcheol and echoes through the otherwise quiet room. "I doubt that," he says, his voice deep. "It's true Seungcheol," you repeat, voice firm.

A mirthless grin settles on his face and you know he isn't buying your words. Swallowing, you carefully, too carefully, scoot towards him and sit down, maintaining a little space between the the two of you. "I don't understand why you hold such negative thoughts about yourself but believe me Seungcheol, it's hard not to fall in love with you."

Your slip-up causes your eyes to widen, face drowning in embarrassment as you realize you just said the L word. Seungcheol, however, does not react to it but turns his head to study your face and the pain and sentiment in his eyes, his passionate gaze on you makes you forget human language. You've never seen nor imagined Seungcheol to be so full of ardor and pain and now that you have, you don't know what to do. You just want to cling to him and cry like a child.

"Can't you see how fucked up I am? What and awful person I am, ____? Someone like me deserves noth-" Unable to hold yourself back you interrupt him by cupping both of his cheeks and pressing your lips to his. You kiss him softly, carefully, trying to gauge his feelings while trying not to push him too hard. Seungcheol stays immobilised, letting you kiss him like that. When you pull back, his eyes are closed and he rests his forehead against yours. "You are just fine, Seungcheol. I like you just the way you are. Don't...beat yourself up like this, hmm?" Your voice is just above a whisper as you tilt his head to meet his eyes. Seungcheol stares quietly at you for a while before suddenly pushing you back and caging you underneath his large body. A squeak of surprise leaves your lips as Seungcheol wastes no time wrapping himself around you while attaching his lips to yours.

This time the kiss is not soft, it is full of passion and vigour and longing as Seungcheol takes the reign. Your lips mold perfectly against each other and Seungcheol does not hold back, kissing you like a starved man; all teeth and tongue. He pulls back for a while, supporting himself on his elbows as you looks at you while you try to catch your breath underneath him. His hand comes to stroke your hair gently, like a lover and your eyes burn at his tenderness.

"Seungcheol-"

"Is there still a place for me in your heart?" He asks, a hopeful note in his voice. His words leave you breathless as you gape at him in suprise, you mouth open slightly. Seungcheol looks at you look longingly as he waits for your answer, which comes easily, without a second thought.

"Of course, Seungcheol. I...I love you."

This time it is his turn to be surprised as his pupils dilate and a soft gasp of surprise escapes from him. Swallowing, you hold his gaze, waiting for his next words but they never come. Instead, the man attacks your lips with renewed fervour while slotting a muscular thigh between your legs. As his toned thigh brushes against your core a wanton moan leaves your mouth and you wrap your legs around his waist. You can feel Seungcheol smirk against your skin while he kisses a path down from jaw towards your neck, taking his sweet time to plant some love bites along the way while you gasp and writhe underneath him. Soon he reaches the valley of your breasts and with skilled fingers he does a quick work of the buttons of your night shirt. His heated gaze remains on your now bare breasts and you can feel your nipples harden in the chill air of the room before he leans down to plant soft kisses all over them. While he does so you continue to grind your core against his leg, desperate for some friction which he is denying you. His assault on your neck and breasts don't stop as he remains focused in marking you, blooming kisses of red and purple on your skin.

"I missed you," His voice comes out as throaty whisper while he keeps his lips attached to your heated skin. "Me too," you choke between moans as his ministrations on your body leaves you aching all over for him.

He pulls back to meet your gaze, "I want you. I... always have and I've been hiding it. But I can't anymore."

"Take me then, Seungcheol," It isn't the most romantic thing to say but that is all your lust clouded brain can manage as you keep grinding yourself against him. You feel his hard on poke your belly and unlike your lover, you really can't wait anymore. You need him now.

Seungcheol keeps looking at you, too busy studying your features rather than doing something about the wetness between your legs and you're about to tell him to do something when he speaks, "I love you, ____. I'm sorry for the hurt I've caused you. Let me make it up to you."

Great. Now you're horny and emotional.

His confession brings tears to your eyes but your neediness is growing so you pull his face down closer to yours and whisper, "You can start doing that by making me cum. And then you can stay. With me. Forever. How about that?" A mischievous grin kisses his face, "I'd love that sweetheart."

You grin in happiness not wasting anymore time as you reconnect your lips with his.

a/n 2: Whew~ a whopping 15k+! I can't believe I wrote something this huge. But it was well worth it! I just hate this damn app like I don't understand?? I've seen ppl post fics with 40k+ words yet tumb1r says I've reached 250 blocks like what?? Anyhow, I really really hope you enjoyed reading this baby cuz I've been working on it for soooo long! If you did please reblog and share as always your feedbacks are highly appreciated so please leave them in the comments or my ask box!

[anxious-little-faicye]

Unus Annus

So... today's the day huh. A whole year went by already. New memories, new experiences, new adventures. Yet we all come back to the same thing, the same channel that isn't anymore. The same dumb little channel that impacted us like nothing had before. Impacted me.

Honestly, I don't think I could put into a single letter, a single post just how much Unus Annus meant and will always mean to me. Maybe because there isn't a right way to express it, maybe because after all this time I still haven't found the correct words to do so. But I'll try my best, so I'm sorry if this is a bit messy.

Unus Annus. One year. Two people. Who would think a channel made by a couple of big idiots (affectionate) would have such an impact on the internet, on everyone who was lucky enough to be there for the ride. Even if you joined on day one or three days before it got deleted, it didn't matter. You were part of it.

I still remember seeing the notification on Mark's channel, and me panicking because I thought he was gonna delete his own. But no, turns out it was my invitation to something huge. At the begging I watched the introduction video and the *ahem* peculiar first official video. Didn't think much of it other than it was a cool project, so I stopped following it until day 10, where for some reason my brain decided "oh, shoot, I need to catch up". And ever since then I've been locked in, watching it from start to finish, never missing a single video. Yeah, even the deleted ones during Unus Annus, I was there for those (RIP Omegle video).

So, when it finally came the day, when it was finally November 14th, I... I was devastated. I had been there since the begging. I saw it grow, I saw the fandom become bigger and bigger, I saw the fanart, the theories, the fanfics, hell- even the Matpat video, everything. I remember me fighting with my mom because I wanted to stay up late to watch the stream, and even though I missed an hour, I woke up just in time for the last ten minutes. And just how I was there in day one to welcome it, I was there on it's last minute to say goodbye.

And let me tell you, I felt like shit. When it comes to death and loss I'm not the type to cry, or even let a sob out. But with this goddamn channel... To say I bawled is an overstatement. No, I mourned. For the first time in my life I experienced mourning. And I have lost close people to me before, grandparents, friends, but even there it wasn't as bad -or as good- as with Unus Annus.

So, here's my first thanks: thank you for teaching me how to grieve.

As my second thanks: ... Thank you for giving me a reason to keep going. I don't think I would be here today if it weren't for Unus Annus. I remember it clearly: I was still living at my abuser's house, I had gotten off a... bad fight, all my school projects were over due, I had no one to ask for help, nowhere to run, I felt alone. I felt like giving up. And the only reason, the only thing that kept me from doing something stupid was the thought "24 more days, just 24 more days". I couldn't just go without seeing the end. That's the only thing that saved my life. So thank you, thank you for being there when I most needed it.

As my third thanks: thank you for allowing me to meet some of my best friends. @heller-castiel @doodling-dog @emmahasnoideawhatshesdoing, I don't know where I would be without you guys. Yes, we haven't been talking that much lately, but do not think I've forgotten about y'all. And even though we never finished that fanfiction, it will always hold a special place in my heart as one of the few specks of light in a dark time for me. Let's reunite Tooth Knife Gang one day, alright?

And as my fourth and final thanks:

. . .

Thank you for everything. Thank you for the memories, for the laughs, for the cries, for the exasperated sighs trying to solve the lore, for the community you created, for being there when nothing else was, thank you for Unus Annus. It was truly an unique experience I will never be able to live again, and I'm okay with that. I'm okay with losing the channel. Because fuck if I didn't enjoy every second of it, fuck if I didn't make the most of what I could with those videos. You were there to see me grow, to leave toxic relationships, to become a bit stronger, and for that I couldn't be more grateful.

You taught me that death, though inevitable, doesn't have to be the end. You taught me to value each minute, each moment, because one day it will all be gone. You taught me to appreciate the little things. You taught me that life doesn't have to be all bad, that there is always something worth fighting for out there. You taught me to thank death, because without it life wouldn't have meaning.

So thank you. Thank you Mark, Ethan, Amy, Evan, all the wonderful editors and all the amazing guests. And thank you, Unus Annus.

Thank you for the journey of my life.

Thank you, and I'll see you on the other side

Memento mori, Unus Annus.

[devinescribe]

Liars

Chapter 13 of '100 Promises'

Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

I am... very... very... sorry for not updating this. I've been trying to write for this, got started, halfway through I got bored of the concept, deleted it, and started over. It's still... meh, if I'm being completely honest, but I hope you enjoy

Warnings: talks and mentions of rape, talks and mentions of abuse, swearing, mentions of blood, mentions of bullying. I think that's all, but as always let me know if I missed any.

Finally a hearts game!

You were excited, and so was Niragi. It was low ranking so you weren't worried in the least.

There were a couple others playing with you, and you smiled. There was people to sacrifice if needed. "How fun!" You cheered. Niragi laughed, shaking his head. "You're a crazy bitch you know?" You heard someone say. You turned to face them, and smiled. Your smile looked so innocent, so pure. "Hopefully the craziest bitch you've ever met."

"Game: Maze Of Reflection (can I name things? No.)

Rules: Everyone will be partnered up. You will be asked questions that you can only answer truthfully. The questions will all have relate to you and your life. Your partner will get the questions they must ask you through the headsets on the table.  If you do lie, the headsets send a wave of the worst pain you've ever felt in your life. Once you've lied a total of 3 times, the headsets explode. There is no time limit. If your partner dies before you reach the end, you've basically won. You just find your way through the maze.

Clear condition: Make it to the end of the maze without lying to your partner 3 times.

The headsets will tell you who you're partnered up with. Game commences in two minutes.''

You skipped to the table, grabbing a headset. You noticed everyone except Niragi, Chishiya, and Last Boss, hesitating to grab one. "Well, come on now! You'll die of you don't grab one," you said. So cheerful. So excited. And for what? To watch the people in this room die? Maybe.

You put the headset on, and watched the screen load.

Partner: Player 59725

Below the number was a picture of Niragi. "Oh this is going to be so fucking easy!" Niragi exclaimed. You high-fived him. "Promise number two really saved our asses, hm?" You teased, remembering him saying something about keeping so many promises being dumb.

'Game start.'

You grabbed Niragi's hand, dragging him with you. "First question... oh, OK. What did your best friend promise to do if you were 28 and still single?" You asked. "That we'd get married," he answered. You heard his head set chime. "This is gonna be a bit too easy for my liking," you muttered.

"What cartoon characters did you idolize growing up and why?" Niragi asked. You bumped into a mirror and cursed. "Fuck... um... it was.... L Lawliet for his skills in solving things as well as his cleverness, Light Yagami for his twisted sense of justice, and Misa Amane for my fashion inspiration?" You said, trying to remember correctly. Your head set chimed.

This kept going on for a couple minutes, where you would ask each other a question, and the truth was told.  Then the mirrors lit up.

'Players 11037 and 59725 switch. Your new partners are player 25718 and 617834.'

''So I go with Chishiya, and you go with that guy?" You asked. He nodded with a groan. "Well, I was getting rather bored, weren't you?" You asked him. He looked at you confused. "What do you mean?" Niragi asked. "Well, we know all there is to know about each other. There's nothing new or interesting being found out right now," you explained.

Were you really bored of him? No, not of him. You would never be bored of him. You just wanted a fun and interesting game. You would never get bored of him. Niragi hoped you wouldn't. He didn't want to be alone.

"So, did you bore the game master somehow?" Chishiya teased when you got to him. "I guess you could say that. We have nothing to hide from eachother, so it was getting boring for me too," you explained.

"Who in all actuality took your first time?" Chishiya read off the screen. He looked at you, waiting for your answer. "Easy, it was Niragi," you answered. Then you felt a pain in the bottom of of your stomach as your headset beeped. A voice on the headset called you a liar, as the pain worsened, and you  screamed, falling to your knees. It hurt. Tears built up in your eyes as you tried to deal with the pain. "Are you lying?" Chishiya asked. "No, read the question again please? Just so I can figure out why I got it wrong. I know I'm not. I really did give him my first," you said, holding your stomach. It really was the worst pain you'd ever felt. It made you shudder. How did they know what was the worst pain?

"Who in all actuality took your first time?" He asked again. You thought for a minute.

'I gave Niragi my 'first'. The question is asking who took my first.'

You looked away. "It... it was taken... stolen... by... by a bully from school. One of the guys that tortured me," you stated. You had never admitted that out loud. You hadn't even told Niragi. You heard your head set chime, and looked at the mirrors. They were projecting you.

All of them. In the whole maze. You gasped, scooting back until your back was against the mirror behind you. You stared in horror as it replayed the words you had said. The thing you didn't want anyone to know had now been broadcasted to at least 14 people. The screen changed to Niragi.

"(Y/N) they did what?! And you- you didn't tell me?!" He shouted. "S-suguru, 'm sorry don't be mad at me," you squeaked, hiding behind your hands, as if he were in front of you. As if he would hurt you. "We'll be talking about this later," he said. Then the mirrors went back to being mirrors. Tears rolled down your cheeks. From the pain in your stomach and the embarrassment. The fear of the one person who you looked for approval of might leave you.

You stood up, and read Chishiya's question. "Who's the person you hate most?" You asked, wiping the tears away, holding your stomach. "Hm? Hate is such a strong word. I don't hate anyone-" Chishiya started, before holding his left hand. His eyes widened and he cursed, holding onto it. His headset beeped, and called him a liar. You guessed the pain worsened as he let out a groan of pain, followed by a small yelp when he tried to soothe the b pain. You went over to him looking at his hand in concern. "Are you ok?" You asked, grabbing his hand softly, your fingers barely ghosting over the skin. He hissed in pain, grabbing it back. "Fine. I hate my father. And my mother. I hate my parents," he answered. His headset chimed, and you looked a him in shock. You would've never guessed that was his trauma. "What? Little miss perfect grew up with a perfect family, didn't she? Got everything she wanted, the attention of people she loved?" He spat. You flinched. "Oh, look here's your question now. Who and what do you fear the most?" He asked. "My father and Suguru's father. And I fear being alone, getting hurt by people, as well as disappointing those I love and them leaving me," you answered. Your headset chimed, and you looked over at Chishiya. "Am I still little miss perfect with a perfect family?"

You two finally found your way through the maze, question after question. You didn't want to tell him some things, but it was better than dying.

'Last question is for both players. Tell the truth or you will be executed whether or not it was your third time lying.'

'Why is that the worst pain you've felt in your life?'

"Because... I was left handed. My parents might not have cared about me or anything having to do with me, but they sure as hell cared that I wrote with my left hand. They broke it once. Never wrote with it again," Chishiya answered. You grabbed his hand softly once more, and gave him a look of understanding.

"Mine has a few reasons. When... well when my first was stolen, it hurt. A lot. And when my father found out I gave my first to Niragi... he hurt my stomach. And the kids at school... the ones that tortured Niragi and I... they used to hurt me in similar ways to both reasons I said before," you said. Chishiya gave you a look that you couldn't read. Was it sympathy? Pity?

The screen chimed as well as phones a 'game complete message' across them both, and your headsets dropped to the floor. You grabbed his hand, pulling him out.

Outside, Kuina, Last Boss and another guy was out there. "My partner had a lot of secrets I guess," Last Boss muttered, wiping some of the blood from his arm. "Dude no way! He exploded on you?" You asked. He nodded, very annoyed at the fact they had. "Like, number 1, ew. Number 2, however,  that's pretty fucking cool. What did they have to hide they didn't want to tell?" You wondered. "So... about your maze fiasco? Why did it only broadcast yours? And you and Niragi were the only two who got separated," Kuina asked. "I don't know... but if the game master is going to be a dick, I'm going to start hating these games," you said. "Hey... (Y/N), can I talk to you?" Chishiya whispered, pulling on your arm. You nodded, letting him lead you out of earshot of the others.

"I'm... I didn't know about your family situation. I shouldn't have said you were little miss perfect and assumed," he said, looking off to the side. "I accept your apology," you smiled. "I-i didn't apologize," he stammered. "Can I hug you?" You asked. He looked around, before nodding. You pulled him into a hug, leaning down, and whispering in his ear, "I know that was your way of apologizing. Thank you for telling me the truth... I'm glad I know you a bit better."

"Everything you heard, you say nothing about, got it?" Niragi threatened his partner. They nodded, terrified of him. They left, and Niragi immediately looked for you. He saw you sitting in the backseat of the car. He gave you a look, and you lowered your gaze. Kuina glared at him, sitting besides you in the back. He went over, and sat in the driver's seat. He purposely sat far from you. Last Boss got in the back, Chishiya finally getting into the front seat.

Niragi didn't say a word. He didn't respond to you, Chishiya's taunting. Nothing. You tapped his shoulder, and tried talking to him. "(Y/N), I'm driving. We will talk later," he stated. Was he really that mad?

You rushed into the hotel, rushing into your room. You didn't want to talk to him anymore. He was being mean.

You took a shower, changing into your pajamas, and sitting on your bed. You knew that Niragi would barge in at any second. You knew he would. Even if you didn't want to talk to him, he would.

You heard the door creek open, and got ready. Would he yell at you? Call you names? These were things that you had never thought about when thinking about Niragi.

You didn't look up as he sat on the bed besides you. "We're going to talk about it. I know you don't want to, but we have to," Niragi said. You looked up at him. "Are you mad?" You asked, playing with the fabric of your shirt. "Kind of. Why... first, let me ask, when did this happen?" He questioned. "Mmm... last year of high school... about two months before I gave you my first," you responded. "It wasn't really your fi-"

"To me it was. I didn't give him my first Suguru. He stole it. Why the fuck do you think I was so nervous the whole time?"

"Yeah but it wasn't-"

"It was! I-i... it was to me. Think about it, if your car gets stolen, it's still your car, no? You didn't give it to them... Then... if they stole my first... I still... I didn count as my first. You were. I counted you as my first."

You bit your tongue to stop the tears. You didn't want to cry and seem weak. "I... I'm sorry I didn't tell you... I'm sorry you had to find out about it that way..." you whispered. "I know. It just... makes me a bit upset that you're the one who made promise 9 and you broke it. I wish... you had told me back then, so that I could've helped you," he stated. "You did. You helped me back then. Even without knowing," you said, reaching your hand out to touch his. He pulled back. "How!? I-i- You cried when I- is that why? How could I have helped you if I didn't even know about it?" He asked, raising his voice. You grabbed his hand softly. "Because you showed me that... when it's wanted, when it's with you someone you trust, and when it's with someone you love... sex is a positive thing. It's not something I should be scared of. You gave me a positive image of what it should be like," you explained. He looked at you in shock. He didn't think you had actually felt that way back then, and even now. But it made sense about why you made promise 40 after.

You lay next to him, catching your breath, your hands holding onto him. Every inch of your skin was pressed against his, as if he'd disappear the second you would let go. He held you just as tight.

"Sugu... let's make a promise, yeah?"

"What is it?"

"That if by the time we're 28, and still single, we'll marry each other."

"I'd like that."

"Promise 40, we promise that if by the time we're 28 and still single, we'll get married."

It made so much more sense to him now.

"If you say so..." he muttered. You pulled him into bed with you, getting under the covers. "Sleep in here tonight. Please?" You pleaded, having a pillow and a space for him on the other side of the bed. "Alright," was all he said before getting under the sheets with you. You hugged him, burying your face into his neck. "I hope you know all the neck and back pain I have endured from hugging and sleeping with your short ass," you whispered. He decided to let your comment slide. He'd would just let you relax from the game. Tomorrow was another day.

You hoped you didn't have nightmare again.

[soccerbites]

her and the moon, JJ Maybank

masterlist on bio

a.n: i posted this a few months back but it deleted when i deactivated my old account, so if you feel it familiar that's probably why :) english is not my first language so I'm sorry in advance for any mistake.

words count: 1,3k

warnings: alcohol, maybe a bit of swearing.

(gif not mine if it's yours please tell me so i can give you credits)

I was at John's B house and everyone else was talking about this party being held by one of the kooks that night, Y/N hadn't say a single word since the theme was brought up by Sarah and i perfectly knew why.

- "come on it would be fun" said Sarah with her arms in the air.

- "i mean, they always crash ours so why wouldn't we crash theirs?" everyone agreed with what Kiara just said, except for Y/N.

- "What do you say Y/N?" i asked because i wanted her to be comfortable and i knew this type of things were not at all her comfort zone.

- "i'll do whatever you guys do" she slightly smiled at me and i smiled back.

- "you sure?" i asked her again just to be sure even though i could see she wasn't, Y/N just nodded.

- "great" Sarah happily said.

We stayed there for like another forty minutes and then i walked Y/N to her house.

- "you know that we always can just stay out of it and watch some movies while we eat ice cream or something like that" i said as we approached her home.

- "it's ok JJ, i do not want to be the boring one" i looked at her with my left hand on my waist, "seriously, maybe it ends up being fun, who knows?" she smiled at me.

- "i swear to god, you're something else".

We said goodbye and i kept on walking until i reached my house.

I entered the house and started looking for my friends, and when i was going to give up i saw Kie laughing with Pope in the backyard, i ran towards them.

- "hey man" Pope and i did our not so secret hand shake.

- "Have you seen Y/N?" i asked waiting for them to know.

- "we arrived like twenty minutes ago and she disappeared like fifteen ago" Kie answer my question as she drank the beer left on her red plastic cup.

- "didn't you see where she went?" i really wanted to know how she was doing.

- "hey JJ what's up" John B had just arrived.

- "not much, have you seen Y/N?" i kept on asking.

- "i think i saw her going to the roof probably like five minutes ago" he pointed with one of his fingers to the metal stairs outside the house that went up.

I didn't even say thank you and went directly to the side of the house where the stairs were placed and started going up. When i arrived at the top i saw her sitting while facing the other way, knees up to her chest and her face rested on them. Her hair made waves along the fresh air of the night and i couldn't help but think about how amazingly beautiful she is. She was wearing a sky blue crop top, white loose shorts and her usual converse. I walked up to her and sat down on her side, there was a beautiful sight of the ocean and the stars and moon in front of us.

- "you were right" she said after a few seconds of just sitting there.

- "about what?" i asked while looking at how the waves crashed on the coast.

- "about coming here, i should've stayed home" i felt her gaze on me.

- "we can go if you want to" i suggested while embracing my knees as she was doing with hers.

- "nah, i like it here, you can barely hear the loud shitty music" i giggled and noticed how she shivered, i took off the red hoodie i was wearing and gave it to her, "thank you, that's very kind of you" i watched her putting the piece of clothing on.

- "i love you" i said very low but she heard me anyways.

- "what? i couldn't listen to you" Y/N said as she was placing her head inside the hood.

- "nothing" i extended my legs not giving importance to it.

- "ok you weirdo" she laughed at me and positioned her body between my legs, facing the ocean while her back and head rested on my chest.

We were in silence for some minutes, just me, her and the moon. This is what i liked about her, we could be in silence for hours and it would never get weird, every time i arrive at her house with a new bruise or cut from a fight with my dad she doesn't make any questions, she's always there and i know there's no way she'll ever judge me for anything.

- "what do you think will happen when all this high school shit is over?" she suddenly asked.

- "in what way exactly?"

- "i mean, what are you planning on do?" she turned her face a little to look at my eyes and i gazed down so i could see hers.

- "what am i planning on do?" i asked, she just nodded, "i didn't really think 'bout it, getting a job or something"

- "but, you're staying on the island right?" she sounded concerned?.

- "of course i'm staying here, i can't go anywhere else" i paused and hugged her as a cold breeze passed, "besides that, i don't want to leave the island you know, i've never gone anywhere else and i love it here".

- "me too" Y/N said.

- "i thought you were going to study at the University of Colorado? we've been talking about it the whole summer" I was surprised by what she was saying, it was pretty much the only thing she'd talked about in the last month.

- "i was" i looked down at her again, she scrunched her nose, "but then i realized that it was never my dream, i mean, before my dad brought it up it had never crossed my mind, and i don't think i like the idea of it, i've never gone out of the island too" i smiled "and i would never survive more than a week without seeing you" i hugged her again and kissed her head as we slowly swayed side to side.

- "i said something before" she nodded, i needed to tell her now that i know she's not going away, "it's something i didn't tell you in the past weeks because until know you were gonna go away in a few months and i thought it was worthless but now i'm kinda feeling like i should tell you ".

- "spit it out pretty boy" T/N said as she ran her hand through my hair, i smiled to that.

- "ok so, we've known each other since when? it feels like forever-"

- "it actually is, when we were like three years old you used to cross the street all alone and ask my mum if you could play with me, i never understood how you managed to start talking 'properly' before than i did" she laughed.

- "sshh let me finish love, and as you said i would never survive more than a week without you 'cause you're the only person that keeps me sane and can actually calm me down" i glanced at her and she was smiling, "and i know that i'm probably not the best person you'll ever meet and that you could do so much better but-" i couldn't stop talking because her lips were already on mine, they were cold but soft, we both smiled through the kiss.

- "i heard you before" she said while placing her head on my chest again and looking at me.

- "you did?" i asked, confused as why she didn't say a thing.

- "yeah" she smiled, "i just played dumb to see what would you do" i kissed her forehead.

- "so, what you say?" i asked.

- "about?" she answer back with another question.

- "about spending the rest of our lives stuck in this place" i laughed at my own words.

- "i'll actually would love to"

We were in the roof the rest of the night, making out and laughing at our own bad jokes, and even after the party ended we were still there, watching the sunrise.

I've never felt more comfortable and calm in my short life, and i have to admit that if being stuck in the island for the rest of my life is going to be like this, i would never change it for anything else.

[sweethomelima]

Text || Samcedes

Mercy: Sam, hey its Mercedes

Mercy: Oh if this is the wrong number Sorry.

Sam: No, I told you I didn't change it

Mercy: No this isn't Sam, or no it is Sam because I didn't change it?

Sam: this is Sam

Sam: I didn't change my number

Sam: always been here.

Mercy: Well okay hi. Hope you had a good day today.

Mercy: First I wanted to thank you for not acting weird or anything last night. SJ had fun talking Marvel with you.

Sam: Yeah, you too!

Sam: I was kind of in my element there

Sam: I could've fielded DC too

Mercy: I am sure he would have given you a run for your money, he loves the Flash and Batman.

Mercy: So we are leaving tomorrow and I wanted to see if you had the papers, and if you wanted to see him again before we left.

Sam: I am an expert in Batman!

Sam: Already?

Mercy: Well he will be glad to hear that.

Mercy: Our lives are in L.A. Sam.

Sam: I have them

Sam: I didn't sign them yet

Sam: I'm still reading them

Mercy: Sam there is nothing there that would cause any issues. It's just a divorce.

Sam: My mom said never to sign something you haven't read

Mercy: Okay I understand that

Sam: Just gonna take me awhile.

Sam: idk how long

Mercy: Sam what do I have to do to get you to just sign them now?

Sam: I need to read them. I said that

Mercy: Sam I know if I leave here without them they will never get signed. Why are you holding on so tight to something that was over years ago? Its a divorce stating what's yours is yours and what's mines is mines, simple to the point.

Sam: I just said I wanna read them

Sam: that's it

Mercy: And you also said you don't know how long it will take you to read like 6 pages. I have to go, I can't be here for a long time.

Sam: we both know I'm not very smart

Mercy: That's a lie.

Mercy: You are smarter than you give yourself credit for.

Sam: Still can't read very well

Sam: so I can't tell you how long it'll be

Sam: I have to do other things too, like cleaning my apartment and go to the gym

Mercy: You can read just fine Sam and we both know that.

Mercy: Okay now I know you are playing games.

Sam: it does take me extra time. That's not a lie.

Mercy: I know that Sam, but cleaning your apartment? Really?

Sam: It's very dirty

Mercy: I bet it is

Mercy: I need you to work with me here(edited)

Sam: I am.

Sam: I'm going to read them! I already started!

Mercy: Fine.

Mercy: Soooo we didn't get to talk about you, how is your family?

Sam: Doing well, you know.

Sam: The kids are almost done with high school which makes me feel old but

Mercy: You are Sold

Sam: Don't remind meeeee

Mercy: How is your mom? I have been meaning to talk to her but I know she is might hate me.

Sam: For going to LA?

Sam: I don't think she does

Sam: she always said I should apologize for not going with you haha

Mercy: For leaving, for not telling her about SJ, even if you didn't believe it she would have.

Sam: Yeah, well. She doesn't know about him

Sam: Like I didn't

Mercy: You didn't tell her?

Sam: I've been a little busy trying to come to terms with it myself

Mercy: Maybe I should just go and let you mail it to me.

Sam: If that's your choice.

Mercy: Fine!

Sam: Great.

Sam: I'll send them

Sam: When do you need them?

Sam: I'll get them to you then.

Mercy: Monday

Sam: And when are you getting married?

Mercy: You don't get to know that.

Sam: Okay.

Sam: See, I'm trying to make sure I have them to you when you need them

Sam: I want to have time to think about it.

Mercy: What is there to think about Samuel?

Sam: A lot.

Sam: like maybe I should get to see SJ.

Sam: so maybe we need a custody thing.

Sam: I don't know

Mercy: SO NOW YOU WANT TO KNOW YOUR SON? AFTER YOU HAD 8 YEARS?

Sam: I JUST FOUND OUT

Sam: THIS SHIT YOU'RE PULLING ISN'T CUTE

Mercy: That stuff I'm pulling? I wrote you and told you that I was pregnant, that you should just swallow your damn pride and come to me, and you sent back divorce papers, so don't get me started on that one.

Sam: You sent ME divorce papers!

Sam: and no letter

Sam: Jesus Christ, is this what you think is fun now?

Sam: Fucking with some townie loser you used be with?

Mercy: Are you serious right now?

Mercy: Like I can't tell if you are playing with me right now.

Sam: I'm very serious. It's not funny.

Mercy: Then stop playing around and be serious. I got your papers, which is why I find it funny that you never signed it. I get you were bitter but to abandon your pregnant wife?

Mercy: I always thought you were better than that.

Sam: I didn't do ANY of that

Sam: I mean, the last part happened inadvertently but I didn't send anything! Or get anything other than some divorce papers which, yes, I did not sign.

Mercy: My manager handed me the papers they were addressed to me, sent from you.

Sam: if I sent them, don't you think I'd have signed them first

Mercy: Sometimes you are scatterbrained.

Sam: I think you sent me divorce papers when you found out you were pregnant because you didn't think I was ready or something

Sam: I was

Mercy: Wow, for the record Sam, I thought you would be an amazing father. Ima gonna go.

Sam: Great

Mercy: It was nice seeing you Sam, if you could tell your parents before tomorrow about YOUR SON that would be great since I will let him meet them before I leave Lima for good.

Sam: How am I supposed to explain an eight year old I JUST found out about and how the fuck I missed that?

Mercy: Figure it out. I had too.

Sam: You keep acting like I knew.

Sam: Like you don't know me well enough to know I could never not step in.

Mercy: I told you Sam, I put that on everything, I don't know what happened, if you blocked it out, if you are trying to justify not being here by saying I didn't but I know my truth.

Mercy: I may not have told the world I have a child, because by the time I got on the scene and really started making a name for myself he was 2 and I didn't want that life for him, so I never said anything to maintain some privacy in my life. But you, I told you.

Sam: You didn't.

Sam: This isn't funny.

Mercy: No its not funny not at all.

Mercy: You really didn't know? Not in all these years? Because I swear to you I sent you that letter telling you about him.

Sam: I didn't get a letter.

Sam: Just divorce papers.

Mercy: This makes no sense

Sam: Hey, were on the same page for once

Mercy: Sam I promise you I sent you the letter, and then I got divorce papers in return

Sam: and I didn't send them.

Sam: if there was a letter, I'd have been there

Sam: could have called

Mercy: Call the man who refused to pick up his life and move with me for my dream?

Mercy: I couldn't call you, it hurt too much

Sam: You could have come back when you weren't recording.

Sam: I have a life here, Mercy.

Mercy: Come back to a man who didn't want me.

Mercy: I know that Sam, but I had a future there.

Sam: I did want you

Sam: I've always wanted you

Mercy: I guess it doesn't matter now does it?

Sam: Yeah

Sam: Your whole story is fucking me up

Sam: I don't get how this became my fault?

Mercy: I asked you to come with me Sam, I told you I wanted us to be together, I gave you the ticket to come. You didn't.

Sam: I said the same thing, but you didn't like my way

Mercy: I was scared, scared if I stayed in Lima, even part time, that I would lose myself.

Sam: Yeah

Mercy: I am trying to be honest with you. I thought you would just come when you were ready

Sam: I'm not ready

Sam: I know you and probably everyone else from glee "outgrew" Lima

Sam: I still haven't.

Mercy: I know. It's why I had to move on Sam, and you had to find someone who wanted the same things you do. You deserved that.

Sam: I never wanted anyone else

Mercy: Sam I just

Mercy: Sam I want you to be happy

Sam: Yeah

Sam: I said I'll send them

Mercy: Send what?

Mercy: Oh I wasn't even thinking about thing right now

Sam: I'm just saying. You want to leave again and I'm not stopping you

Mercy: I know you aren't. You moved on too.

Sam: I didn't.

Mercy: You did. You can say you didn't but the truth is if you didn't move on we would still be together.

Sam: because I didn't go to LA?

Sam: Why was I the only one who had to give something up

Mercy: You weren't! I had to give up you! SJ had to give up a father! You aren't the only one who lost something Sam, I lost you.

Sam: yeah, I lost you and him too.

Mercy: You can have a relationship with him if you want.

Sam: And so will your fiancé

Mercy: He's not a bad guy.

Sam: Hey, I never said he was

Mercy: Just thought you should know

Sam: I don't care about him

Sam: [ five minutes later ] No, we both know that's a lie. I hate him

Mercy: Why do you hate him?

Sam: You'll know exactly why if you stop and think for a second

Mercy: Because of SJ

Sam: Not Just

Mercy: What do you want from me Sam?

Sam: Do I need to say it!

Mercy: Well I certainly don't know

Sam: You.

Mercy:-[Deleted] Sam don't do this.

Mercy:-[Deleted] I just got over you...

[five minutes later]

Mercy: I can stay for a few more days so you can spend time with SJ.

Sam: Yeah, maybe we can figure out how to tell my mom lol

Mercy: I'm gonna let you do that one

Sam: No help?

Mercy: Fine

Sam: I doubt she'll buy the truth

Sam: Which you apparently don't buy either.

Mercy: Why wouldn't I tell you?

Sam: I don't know!

Mercy: I don't wanna go back around in a circle like this.

Sam: I just wanted to know why you didn't tell me

Mercy: And I keep telling you that I did. I wrote you I felt if I called you I would break down and a letter was safer...

Sam: I didn't get a letter!

Sam: I don't know why you don't believe me

Mercy: I don't know why you don't believe me.

Sam: Because I only got the papers you sent me.

Mercy: The papers I sent back to you

Sam: Right because I sent you unsigned papers

Sam: I thought you agreed I wasn't dumb lol

Mercy: I don't know what to tell you.

Sam: Okay

Mercy: So where does that leave us Sam?

Sam: Not where I want to be

Mercy: when are you free?

Sam: i'm free now

Mercy: I was going to take SJ to the Zoo, you can come with us.

Sam: I'm always up for being with you

Sam: And SJ. Really hoping he'll like me lol

Mercy: SJ loves you he's still talking about you. Just so you know going to a Zoo or park with me is often... crazy I wanna say.

Sam: Good.

Sam: is it bad I want him to like me more than your fiancé?

Sam: Probably not. I'm his father.

Sam: You think I don't remember how you get?

Mercy: it's not bad Sam, SJ is your son of course you want him to like you

Mercy: He will like you just fine.

Mercy: I mean it's been years

Sam: Hopefully.

Sam: And maybe I'll have to come to LA and see him.

Sam: I remember everything about you

[Mercy:Deleted] So you will go to L.A. for th-

Mercy: yeah maybe.

Mercy: I will have the car pick you up unless you just wanna meet us there

Sam: Whatever works for you.

Mercy: You gonna be okay being driven around in a town car?

Sam: Unless you're gonna let me pick up you two in my old truck?

Mercy: Soooo if I tell you something you gotta keep it secret

Sam: Now I'm curious

Mercy: My driver is my bodyguard, under my contract I can't go anywhere without him.

Sam: Are you saying I'm not able to protect you?

Mercy: Not at all its just in my contract

Sam: Sneak off

Mercy: Yeah I get fined for that

Mercy: He won't bother us, you won't even know he's there

Sam: I don't know if I believe that but!

Mercy: But?!...

Sam: But I'm good

Mercy: You gotta be clear babe you coming with?

Sam: Babe?

Sam: I'll meet you there

Mercy: What? Why did you call me Babe?

Mercy: Okay

Sam: You called me babe and I was questioning it

Mercy: I did?

Mercy: Oh I did, I'm sorry

Sam: It's fine

Mercy: We will see you there.

Mercy: SJ wants me to wear my "Spidermom" because he is wearing his, if you want to wear Spiderman you can

Sam: I got you

[docholligay]

I'm gonna be honest I had to come to your blog for some reassurance that "feel bad for all femmes that are into butches" thing wasn't actually hatred because I've seen so much vitriol thrown at butches over the last couple years that my kneejerk reaction is to assume even something playful like that is hate. I'm glad it wasn't, but ugh I wish my brain hadn't been conditioned to assume that of people.

I think the couple of nasty comments I got actually come out of a couple things, and I’m glad you said this, because I think it’s something, we, as a people, need to talk about

(When I use ‘you’ in the context of this talk I mean ‘all y’all’ not you specifically) 

1. The point you made–People are so used to butch lesbians being attacked that there’s a knee-jerk desire to protec and attac. I UNDERSTAND THIS INTIMATELY, TRUST. 

2. You’re not gonna like this one–the second factor is a pretty uncharitable lack of reading comprehension. Not just in my post, i see this all the time, but I’ve read my post several times now, because I do in fact have a very aggressive communication style, and sometimes I come off TOTALLY wrong. But I think it’s tough to read what I said and take it as anything other than poking fun at how oblivious butches are about flirting, and how we as femmes end up hilariously tossing ourselves at them. 

3. Tumblr’s really really terrible pattern and impulse of seeing a post, looking at the reblogs and comments for something that pisses them off, and popping off about it devoid of any context. One person, that I had never seen in my life, reblogged it, directly from me, with the addition “Feel sorry for yourself, ugly” (which, hilariously, actually that was what I was doing, yes, I do, rest assured I have been this femme writing notes about coogne and hope you get the message) (It was deleted quickly because I assume they flipped over to my blog and figured out they made a mistake) Oh of raw curiosity, I went to my blog and searched ‘butch’ for the posts that come up not involving this. First was a huge fanfic, where you would have seen it used positively BUT NO ONE BLAMES ANYONE FOR NOT GOING THERE, but the next two were these: 

my (butch) friend E: I drank Hershey’s syrup out of the bottle as a kid. me: I drank soy sauce.my buddy D: there it is folks, the butch- femme dynamic.

Reasons my butch is crying:

today in the Buffalo Bill museum she felt sad that the buffalo no longer freely roam the Plains

Literally a 2 minute search could have told you this was probably being interpreted in an uncharitable way, but we don’t do that on tumblr, we shoot first and ask questions later, and that’s how stuff gets blown up to ridiculous proportions. Maybe don’t flybynight on blogs of people you don’t know and assume the worst of them. It does not take a lot of time to search key terms (my blog even has dates when you search! So you can see that maybe what I thought 3 years ago isn’t what I think now!) 

I really want all of my followers to read this, and think about this next time you want to pop off. 

It is important to be thoughtful in our criticisms, because these things are important, and popping off and crying wolf makes them look silly. 

Thoughtful literally just means sit and think about it. Check your facts. Stop reblogging stuff blindly. Please, for the love of God, Harumichi, chicken strips, whatever you need to swear to, stop and think to yourself: 

Am I reading what they really said? Is there another way to read this?

What does the rest of their blog indicate about this? Does this maybe ask a personal context I don’t have? 

Is this actually a big deal that requires a stranger’s intervention? –picking your battles is literally one of the hardest things to learn to do.

If I am unwilling to put my name to a criticism, do I truly believe it’s worth defending? Do I have the courage of my convictions? 

If a news story/scholarly thing: Let me google this really fast) PLEASE DO THIS BEFORE YOU REBLOG SHIT EVEN WITHOUT COMMENTARY OH MY GOD. (If I see that anime was a mistake thing passed around again, when he never fucking said that, I am…gonna lose it)  

I think you’ll find in general your experiences on tumblr are more positive and less anxiety prone if you just take on a little bit of this responsibility. For example me: I have a major major major major issue with people removing Tracer’s CA for art. It sucks. It’s disability erasure because her CA interferes with outfits or some dumb reason. When i see it, I go to a person’s blog, i check art tags, i try to figure out as much as I can before I speak to them about it ALWAYS UNDER MY ACTUAL NAME. 

It’s been largely positive! Not always, but often! (Actually its mostly the wide scale rebloggers/content ~curators~ who are really really terrible about this no matter how many times I message them and if it didn’t violate my own personal understanding of lashon hara I would absolutely at them and post about it ahah)

Anyway, you don’t have to agree with me, but I think it’s valuable to sit and think about these things, before you act. Sometimes I just take a walk! I’m impulsive as fuck and I need to not have access to answer for a few minutes. 

IN conclusion: I love butch lesbians, I think tumblr really needs to work on open communication 

[somelazyassartist]

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