#this is entirely unreasonable and yet i cant make myself back down from this emotional ledge

[ranboo5]

A lot of technoblade crit comes from him continously overestimating his opponent due to his own anxiety and therefore his retribution or even just his warnings are massively disproportionate to the actual threat posed against him, the "i will repay that a thousand times over" SOUNDS cool as a line but when that translates to bombing land and history to bedrock to help take down the government that hurt him and his friends, on his end it's a victory but the feeling doesnt carry over as such because Most of the server, even the ones outside Lmanberg, are fighting to Keep it

plus the seemingly selective processing of information where he doesn't realize Tommy didn't elect himself president and pass it to tubbo or cheering on Dream while he rants about how he was more president of Lmanberg than he was and having control over everything which yknow sounds like it should be looked into at least a bit but yknow as a dopamine deficient guy myself i cant really fault him for zoning out during things he really should be paying attention to

Id say something about ranboo but i think youve got that covered honestly - vaguepost anon

"Most of the server, even the ones outside Lmanberg" I regret to inform you that my lowball estimate of people who are semiactive on the DSMP is 20-30, and "6/20" is not a majority

Especially when those 6 are

- TommyInnit (F to that guy) - guy who has been told and who has absorbed that his entire personal worth is tied to his efficacy as a servant of a faction - guy whose country was right there (see this is why Doomsday was bad. Manifoldland was a casualty) - guy with a vendetta against Dream - guy with a vendetta against Dream and a dream (lowercase D) - Ghostbur (if he even counts considering all he did was dedicatedly make the Philza tag unreadable)

It is really not looking good for "people wanted to defend L'Manberg" bc people. Largely didn't. And the people who did. Well. Are Tommy and Tubbo who both got incredibly fucked over by that homeland and who have a lot of issues w/ identity being tied to it that haven't yet been unraveled as part of their characters

It may also be worth that the entire rest of the cabinet and citizenship of L'Manberg (Quackity, Fundy, Ranboo, and Niki) all actively went "nah, fuck this"

I don't even think Doomsday was good (the Manifoldland comment wasn't even full sarcasm) I just think that claims it was bad kinda miss how and why bc they misinterpret the event

Also: I went back and watched that speech at the Green Festival a little ago, bc it was an argument that was brought up multiple times irt Techno and I wanted to see! Dream does not emphasize his control over the server; when he says "I'm more president than you" it's to emphasize Tubbo's inefficacy as a leader. Here's the post I made at the time; Dream continues to be cagey abt his plans

Also it is worth noting that Tubbo was the president under whom Technoblade and his friend got state violence committed, and also Technoblade had just had his falling out w/ Tommy which HURT (I say all this in the post). This isn't "he didn't pay due attention" it's "coming off immediate and violent emotional stress a vague speech of mostly insults launched at his enemy"

I do concur w/ this tho to some extent: "...overestimating his opponent due to his own anxiety and therefore his retribution or even just his warnings are massively disproportionate to the actual threat posed against him"

He definitely does tend to overestimate it's just not as unreasonable as ppl make it out to be yk

EDIT: Was just informed it was in fact 7/20 people (still not a majority) w/ the 7th being HBomb who gave up halfway through and was later word-of-godded to have agreed w/ Techno in the end. Point stands

[neurotic-prayer]

sorry ill edit in a read more when im on my computer again but i just had a panic attack in my car and needed to vent :) :) :)

cw abusive ex shit and general mental collapse relating to an ex / a breakup

okay i thought wednesday and thursday were bad after finding out that ***** moved back but im straight up having a fucking breakdown about my ex moving back to portland without warning! like logically yes i worked through all of it a million times and was like “this sucks but i’m fine” but i think it finally Truly hit my emotional side and now i cant feel my body and am. thinking some Bad Thoughts and there’s literally NOTHING i can do about it

and i feel so fucking insane so fucking awful i can’t handle this and i know im being stupid but also im not!?!? it’s literally Not unreasonable for me to be upset that this person made a series of calculated and intentional decisions to move back here (where i am stuck and cannot get away) with absolutely no warning let alone any amount of courtesy for the fact that this shit is actively going to fuck me up because he doesn’t think his actions have effects on me unless he Wants to hurt me like newsflash asshole! i know you think that a year without contact is your choice to be the Mature Healthy Adult (despite you literally disrepecting Every Single Time in the last TWO YEARS i tried to do that) but you fucking reappearing in the small ass city you know i’m stuck in with absolutely zero fucking notice is going to fucking have an effect on me, whether or not you talk to me about it!!!! that’s still something that is a conscious (and in this context kinda shitty!!!) move on your part that is an actively harmful action towards me and the LEAST you could’ve done is fucking warned me that i wouldn’t get to have a single. year. without you looming over me like this!! fuck!

like don’t get it twisted im not claiming that im the only one of us allowed here or that i have some exclusive Right to live in portland (like honestly he can have it i have been actively counting down the days until i can go back to chicago since i got on the train in january) i’m just really fucked up about apparently being the last person to find out about this and having all of my friends tell me that they assumed i knew about it and just wasn’t wanting to talk about it! like they all are SO aware of how fucked up that whole situation had (and has!!) me that they didn’t say ANYTHING about him being here because they assumed that i wasn’t bringing it up for a reason! and the fact that he just. shows up again with absolutely No Fucks Given about what happened (and what is continuing to happen Because of things he did) and gets to be the Fun Carefree Playboy while i c o n t i n u e to have this shit just destroyyyyy me is so incredibly unfair and it makes me hate having to wake up and live my life literally every single fucking day!!! i have so much on my plate as is!!! but he never lets the wound heal before its reopened and gets shit rubbed in it again, but i’m the only one who has to deal with it and that’s so fucking insane to me. i have not yet gotten to have a life without this shit hanging over my head and he just refuses to see that and see the damage that’s done to me! but the minute he decides he wants to fuck other people again he just... gets to do that! no consequences! no repercussions! it’s not fair! i feel like a selfish toddler throwing a tantrum saying that but it’s literally not! fair! that he refuses to acknowledge any of it, let alone take ANY responsibility for it! and that was hard enough when he was across the country but now he’s living less than two fucking blocks from me and my friends are running into him everywhere and now i’m finding myself fucking paranoid and scared to go to the grocery store or the park or anywhere or even DRIVE because i know that seeing him out of the blue will fucking! break me right now! how is that fair! how is that healthy! how is that helping US move on when he’s the only one that ever benefits from his decisions! why is he the only one that gets to make decisions ever! why were my decisions consistently disrespected and straight up violated at times when i’m supposed to understand and respect his! why does he respect me less than /literally/ every other person in his life? and how am i supposed to move on from the fact that someone i loved so deeply and intensely doesn’t even treat me like a human being? when the entire situation i’m trying to “move on from” follows me everywhere and doesn’t let me breathe? how is this fair! how the fuck am i supposed to live like this! how the fuck am i supposed to live like this how the fuck am i supposed to live like this

[teddy-feathers]

I hate that I get overwhelmed with things I KNOW I can handle. I hate that I worry people or stop talking to them and I hate that when I finally can again its just like a weird dream that doesn’t even make sense to me why I felt like that. I hate that when I’m finally okay again I’m still anxious, and I need to make it up and prove I care because if there’s anything my family has made clear to me its that self isolation just drives people away and the more you push them away the more likely it is that you’ll have chased them away for good this time. I hate how much I care, caring hurts and I hate it that other people matter so much and I don’t know how to explain that in a way that doesn’t make it sound like I hate the people, I don’t I adore them and would keep them forever if I could. I hate that I have this unreasoning fear I can push off and ignore largely and act like any other dumb “kid” my age sometimes but other times its impossible and I’m just a mess like its all or nothing I’m okay or I’m not and I don’t get to decided when that switch flicks. Only some times I CAN push past it which just goes to show theres nothing wrong with me if I just get off my ass and deal like a grown ass woman. I hate that I hate myself not because its unhealthy or unreasonable but because of the position it puts people in that are attempting to care about me. I push people away and punish them for caring about me and make my problems a problem for others and let it take me away from people who need me, or at the very least could use a little easily given validation. People have done so much for me and I take and take and hardly give anything in return. and I keep fucking up my life making it more and more likely that everyones efforts are fruitless, that I’ll never get my shit together, that I’ll never really be able to repay people or help anyone I care about when they need it. I hate relationships because I cant or dont or wont hold up my end, i’m not reliable. I hate being that person. I hate that I dont change in large ways and i hate that EVERYTHING is constant drama with me. I spend 90% of my time each day avoiding drama to the point I need a constant source of positive stimulus to make time bearable why the fuck would I ever want to make it harder or be a drain on others. I can’t be relied upon. I hate that I’m afraid. Afraid. Afraid when things are bad yes, but things are always bad and theres a part of me that prefers it. But I’m even more afraid when things are good or people are nice and I don’t know how to handle it. I hate that I don’t know how to handle it, that I blow everything out of proportion. I hate that I constantly want to apologize and that I cant sit down and explain the ten infractions I just made against your person even though I KNOW you either didn’t notice or it wasn’t a big enough deal to make issue of, and yet here I am making issue of them by apologizing. I hate that saying sorry for everything robs my apology of sincerity or legitimacy because I promise I truly mean it every time. I hate that I want to make excuses by going “its because I have avpd” but that i don’t see that as an actual excuse because the only time I think something might actually be wrong with me is when I feel like this and I do my best to never feel like this. I hate that ensuring that I am okay and stable every hour of the day - despite being apart of my everyday functions - robs me of the same amount of applicable functionality as a full breakdown, the only true difference being at least I didn’t spend the day literally crying and shaking and unable to breathe without active concentration. I hate that the older I get the less I’m able to just set my mind and do things - the more likely I am to panic over something that should be routine or thoughtless or at the very least I KNOW whats going to happen and why and nothing bad is happening so I should be fine only I’m just NOT anymore. I hate that I’m afraid to claim people I honestly care about as friends for too many reasons to count. I hate that entire concept of pity. I hate that I have no real self esteem to speak of and yet I have enough fucking pride to choke a horse. I hate I hate I hate I hate and I am afraid. Sith ideology may not be a real system but anger is based on fear and I hate myself because of shame and I cant turn that off ever.and I cant even put that hate to good use like both the dark side and my dad advise because it is crippling. I hate that as soon as the switch flips I’ll go back to thinking nothing is wrong with me and yet I’ve got an entire rap sheet of things right here that probably prove yeah. Avpd is a thing I have. and yet NOTHING is wrong or too much to handle in any of this its just ME making it too big and overwhelming and giving up and being stupid and weak and I hate it so much because I can feel like this and know I have no excuse I did it all to myself and I deserve any and all suffering I derive from it because of it and maybe when I hit rock bottom I’ll pull my act together only I keep hitting rock bottom and its more like trying to swim in a pool and drowning instead and just I keep bounching to catch a breath only to slip back under and everyone in my family just stands around helpless because they all know I can swim and tread water and they keep throwing life preservers but i either dont grab them or slip off as soon as i catch my breath because i can swim damn it and no one fucking gets it or cares or can do anything about it because in the long run it doesnt matter you just have to fucking deal only my ablility to deal slips away on a regular bases and so you’ve just got to do the best you can with what you’ve got only it doesnt work like that for me and it never has no matter how much i wanted it to and it doesn’t matter because its just my fucking problem the problem is with me and I fucking broke myself so I should be able to put myself back together only nothings wrong with me i just need to get off my ass an stop feeling sorry for myself and everything just builds and builds and builds good bad it doesnt matter if its an emotion it fucks me over in the end and can you see why i hate dealing with people when if i’m not constantly a raw nerve I know I could turn into one at any fucking second and theres no off switch for that and theres no allowances for that in normal society you cant just go off and break down or have a panic attack in the bathroom for a hour or start crying for no reason and work retail even if retail is easy and you know what the fuck you’re doing because praise and criticism destroys you the same and it doesn’t matter if you like the people involved or not and then you over analyze EVERYTHING not JUST the fun stuff like characters and stories but everything so you always come out the worse for wear no matter how much you like and enjoy talking to people and then I do shit like this and over share or I just blow people off by being a smart ass or trying to be funny or avoiding things all together or I don’t and I over react and it just makes things weird and akward and hard and puts shit on people and so you try to keep things on others and when they let you its delightful and easy for a little while because even though its technically wrong at least you FEEL like you’re failing less and honestly thats all you can settle for is being LESS of a fuck up. I don’t want my family to take things away from me, even if I cant handle shit even if I’m a failure I cant literally cant handle that I cant and I wont let them or anyone I just cant I can do this I just have to do it my way which i know is wrong but honestly ever since I started taking small victories where I can and settling for less failure I’ve felt more okay which my family has noticed but at the same time I’ve lost my shrink and my job and now i’ve got to be the adult in the only relationship in my life thats ever been effortless and I just .... god and what set me off today is how excited/nervous I was about maybe saying hi in the chat and how I was telling my brain itd be okay but then I thought about how I worried them and I just lost it and with my luck someone will actually read this stupid vent post and be worried all over again or worse or just say fuck that bat shit crazy bs or whiny bitch or whatever and ... i just needed to vent and more than that I just wish I could make someone understand. I KNOW and think perfectly fine and can deal and function and I’m just pretty standard if unexceptional person of my generation... except when it comes to emotions. then I’m I fucking broken robot and sound like a nut case or a brat or whatever. Theres nothing wrong with me. not in a way that should be fucking with my life sense I KNOW better you know? People have it worse than me are doing way better I have no excuse except lazyness and selfishness and shit along those lines.

[wazzgoodmack-blog]

I’m only starting this because I cant sleep.

And this is going to get really personal.  I’m struggling now with some mania. It’s four in the morning. I’ve worked on my house all day and this is the only opportune time for me to be sleeping for the next few days but instead I’ve scrolled through all my social media, showered, blow dried my hair, painting my hands and feet, ignored the dishes in the sink, changed my clothes a few times, watched some youtube videos on how to do buns, contemplated getting up because I’m thirsty but have still yet to do it, and now here I am. Writing this blog.

I haven’t always been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. For yeaaaaars I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder until it happened. My first manic episode. I would imagine that it was induced from my first semester of college and the stress that comes along with it. I ended up being admitted into the hospital with vivid imagery that I couldn't control. I guess the term is intrusive images. This was extremely new for me. And even after the term came up as a new diagnosis... I didn’t really believe. 

Fast forward a few years. Four to be exact. I have an episode that leads me to quit my job (because of the stress) with nothing to fall back on, I moved out on my own (what I thought was a good idea) broke up and got back together with my boyfriend who has a hard time handling the emotional support that I need, and racked up quite a bit of debt on my credit cards from shopping sprees that go on when I don’t care about consequences. 

I have learned a few things about myself through these episodes. I WILL SPEND MONEY. I won’t care that I don’t have money to spend. I’m definitely bipolar, no question about this diagnosis. I can be a very selfish, unreasonable, manipulative, obsessive, and easily irritated person when in a manic episode. These are all characteristics very opposite to my entire being and who I am as a person.

I’m slowly understanding these characteristics and reminding myself that this is due to my illness and not because I am this horrible monster that I feel I am sometimes.

And then I switch, sometimes within hours, sometimes in days, I switch.

I switch to a terrible sadness. My self esteem that was just spiked with over-confidence turns to self loathing and I’m tearing myself down in any mirror I see. I cry from this deep part in my gut that I feel can’t get anymore heartbreaking and then the next day comes and I’m scraping myself off the floor. I’m exhausted after waking up and I can’t just sleep it away. I don’t want to associate with anyone, I cry at the idea of going anywhere. And then I switch again.

The process itself is exhausting. And both ends of the spectrum have their consequences. When I’m manic, I have no fear of consequences. Not just with things like shopping but I don’t stop to think about the little consequences. I make silly mistakes and feel as though someone else made that stupid mistake. Like someone else is controlling it. But it’s me... I feel reckless. I feel confident. I feel like I can say, do, be anything. It’s kind of nice not feeling so shitty like before. But it never fails to have that switch happen. I feel as if this has been a roller coaster ride that has lasted a century. I’m tired... I need a break. I need to know what the normal me has been up to this entire time Eeyore and Tigger have been fighting for the spotlight in my body. 

So it’s five am now. There’s a ringing in my ears but I still don’t feel exhausted. I’m listening to Beyonce and i don’t really ever listen to Beyonce but I’m on one. I made a cup of tea and now I’m going to decide what I’m going to do next. I feel so awake but can’t focus my energy on anything productive. 

I really hate myself for it sometimes. 

I feel as though my goals, the goals that the genuine Mackenzie actually wants to achieve, are made to be impossible by these two forces working against me all the time. 

I want to go back to school but I don’t know that I could handle the stress of going full time but I can’t afford to just take a few classes. 

I want to eat well and exercise because it is such an essential part of my self healing but I don’t follow a single thing I say I’m going to (I know I’m not the only one, mental illness or not.)

I want to explore. I want to do something meaningful to me, like helping someone else. But all I do is talk. I never do. 

I never stick with anything.

I always want to prove myself and others wrong but then switch happens and that moments’ goals are gone and I’m shoved back into autopilot mode.

I must remind myself that this majorly due to my illness. I must also remember that Normal is just a word and there is no actual definition to define what it means to be normal.

I can hear the birds chirping outside. The first time in a long time that I’ve been able to hear the birds chirping to the sun rise. All nighters have their ups.

5:31 5.5.2017