#this is him relaxing with his favorite game after a traumatizing experience ( he was lost outside for 8 hrs :[ )

[jaimekhaji]

my cat’s favorite game is skyward sword

[my-emotional-self]

Toxic Love Chapter 7

Pairings: Steve Rogers x Reader, Bucky Barnes x Reader, Steve Rogers x Reader x Bucky Barnes

Summary: Finding out your soulmates were Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes was one thing.  But when someone from your past comes back to haunt you, you have to figure out if a relationship with two super soldiers is something you really want to pursue or if you’d rather go back to your comfortable single life.

Series Warnings:  18+, Swearing, Angst, Fluff, past mentions of rape, self-harm, attempted rape, domestic violence, stalking, death threats, possible Dark!Steve?, Steve will be an asshole a LOT in this series but I don’t know how dark it will get, explicit sexual content, mental health issues, kind of A/B/O dynamics but not really (no they are not actual wolves, more like the hierarchy), mentions of suicide, flashbacks of suicide, nightmares

A/N: There will be no taglist for this story!  I apologize in advance!

8 Years Ago – Age 17

“Y/N, do you know why you are here?” the shrink asked from across the large desk.  You looked down at the typical uniform of a patient at a psychiatric ward.  Yes you knew why you were in here.  A few months ago you witnessed your father’s dead corpse hanging in your living room.  The next thing you knew you were writing a suicide note of your own and your foster parents found it before you could do anything.  Now, you were stuck in a psych ward, probably until you at least turned 18.

“Yep,” came your short response.  

The shrink glanced down at her papers in front of her, going through all of your notes.  “We want to help you as best we can Y/N.  You’ve been through some very traumatic experiences in your life and you’ve witnessed a great deal.  We are going to get you all the help you need.”

3 Months Later

“Have you heard of Borderline Personality Disorder Y/N?” your psychiatrist, Dr. Wang asked.  

That made your head snap in her direction.  Here you were, still stuck in the psych ward after three months and you weren’t sure why.  “I’ve heard of that, yes.  But I thought I was just depressed,” you mumbled, chewing on your fingernail.  

You were clinically diagnosed with depression shortly after coming here.  

“Well, that’s what we originally thought at first.  But the longer you’ve spent time here, the more I and the rest of the staff have discovered it is BPD.  You’re intense mood swings, combined with your ongoing feelings of emptiness and the intense bouts of anger you have are all signs of BPD. We are going to switch up your medications and that will really help with your mood swings and anger issues.

~~~

 No matter how hard you tried, sleep never came to you that afternoon.  You tossed and turned all afternoon in your bed and nothing seemed to be working.  Not only that, but you were really starting to get more irritable as the day went on and you knew it was time to change the dosing of your medication.  It was like clockwork, every year to year and a half. The only problem was that you couldn’t leave the tower without Steve, Bucky or an anyone else.  How were you supposed to get an appointment with your Psychiatrist if you couldn’t leave the tower alone?  This only increased your anger and frustration as you got out of bed to get ready.    

You brushed your teeth and put on a some jeans and a t-shirt, not really caring what you threw on. All of the specific clothing you wore for work was in the closet of your game room along with your makeup and accessories.  

Upon leaving your room, you saw Steve and Bucky sitting at the island in the kitchen of your shared apartment.  They both looked deep in thought over some paperwork and you assumed it was for work.

Grabbing a bottle of water from the kitchen, you were about to head into the elevator as you didn’t want to disturb them, but Steve spoke up and caught your attention.  “Where are you off to?”

“Oh, umm, I’m heading down to my game room.  I’m going to work tonight,” you mumbled out as you pressed the button for the elevator. You noticed it was on the ground floor and it would take a few minutes to get to your level.  

“What time do you plan on being done?” Steve questioned.  

You huffed in annoyance, already irritated as anger began to creep through your bones.  “I don’t know.  Whenever I get done,” you snapped.  Immediately you felt regret, but sometimes your emotions got the better of you when you were in dire need of a medication change.  

“Hey, what’s with the attitude?” Steve commanded as he got up from his seat and stalked over to you, hands on his hips.  You noticed Bucky looking at you from his seat with furrowed brows.  They had never seen you angry like this.  You were always so compliant and easy going.  

“Look, I’m sorry.  I’m just tired is all.”

Steve looked at you sharply, his lips in a thin tight line.  “Alright.  Just make sure you get to bed at a reasonable time tonight.  Promise?”

“I promise,” you answered back.  

~~~

In the comfort of your game room, you quickly got to work.  Digging through your closet, you decided on a light pink tank top that said ‘Gamer Girl’ in black letters with two gamer controls on it.  Since your webcam only showed your top half, you threw on a black pair of cotton shorts to be comfortable.  

Next, you put your hair up in space buns, making sure they were situated just right so they wouldn’t be in the way of your headphones.  You put on your typical game night makeup: bright pink eyeshadow with dark smoked out liner, some mascara and blush and you were good to go.  

Turning on your monitor, you began to power everything up and once that was done, you logged in. Immediately your followers started putting in their messages off to the side and you smiled as you read them. You always tried to read as much of them as you could.  

As the night went on, you knew you should pack it up and listen to what Steve said; getting to bed at a descent time and getting rest.  But you were having way too much fun tonight and so were your followers. It was one of the best nights you’d had in months and not just money wise.  

Ignoring the clock you continued to play and interact with your followers with the microphone that was attached to your headphones.  Every so often you would glance to your messages box and see what some of them had said.  Most of them were cheering you on but of course you always had some haters in there as well.  

It was when you noticed the screen name of one of them that made your blood run cold.  JSmith20. ‘It can’t be’ you thought to yourself, trying to keep as composed as possible as hundreds of people were watching you game in this very moment.  

John’s last name is Smith and he always told you how his favorite number was 20, because that was how old you were when you met him.  No, but he’s still in prison.  He hasn’t gotten out.  He’ll be in there for many more years to come.  It had to be one of his friends right?  The same friend that had been delivering those letters to your old apartment.  ‘Yes, that’s right.  It’s just one of his friends trying to torment you’ you thought to yourself.  

Then, the person behind that screen name typed a message into your message box.  

Hey babe.  Do you miss me yet?  I can’t wait to see you – J

Yep, your composure went out the window reading the message.   Then another message from him popped up.  

I see you are no longer living in that little one bedroom apartment.  Did you really think you could up and move and I wouldn’t be able to find you?  Oh babe, how cute.  I will find you and we will meet again soon.  I promise – J

As you stared at the words on your screen, you heard groans from the other players on your team.  You had just lost the game.  

“Shit,” you swore, anger bubbling up inside of you.  “Fucking damnit!”  You slammed your fist on the desk.  

You rarely lost games. Losing always put you in a foul mood. But because of already being irritable and your emotions on over drive, losing just made everything worse.  

Looking at the clock it was just before five in the morning so you logged off and shut everything down.

You took your hair out of the buns, immediately feeling the tension in your head ease.  Ever so quietly, you opened the door and poked your head out into the hallway.  It was bitch black so you used your phone as a flashlight and tiptoed to the elevator. Before pressing the button on the elevator, you paused.  What if the noise of the elevator woke up Steve or Bucky?  You had promised Steve that you would get to bed at a descent time and seeing as it was just about five in the morning, well, you kind of figured you’d be in trouble.  

Instead, you opened the door to the stairs which was situated right next to the elevator.  At least taking the stairs would be much quieter.

You climbed the stairs up a few levels until you reached your living level and you waited on baited breath for a few moments.  Nothing. Nothing but silence.  As quiet as a mouse, you snuck through the door and dashed to your room, thanking your lucky stars that the palm scanner didn’t make any noise.  

You took a nice hot shower, washing off all of your makeup and the stress of the last few hours.  As much as you wanted to forget John messaging you, it wasn’t going to happen, neither was any sleep.  

Rather than even bothering to get into bed and try to relax, you sent an email to your psychiatrist letting her know that you would more than likely need a dose change on your medications.  Frantically typing away at the email, you explained how you were beginning to get irritated and it was harder for you to control your bouts of anger.  

Luckily for you, Dr. Wang was an early bird and she emailed you right back.  She wanted you to come see her for an appointment and your heart immediately dropped.  That wasn’t going to happen as one of your rules was that you weren’t allowed out of the tower by yourself.  And as much as you liked Darcy, you couldn’t trust her to go with you and not say anything to Steve or Bucky.  

Typing out your reply, you explained that you were unfortunately not able to meet in person and if there was anything else that could be done.  After you hit sent, you began to pace in your apartment, clearly on edge with everything going on.  You just wanted to feel better; you hated feeling this way.  It was as if you weren’t in control of your body and you definitely weren’t in control of your emotions.  

A notification came through your laptop and you rushed towards it, almost tripping over your feet. As you read her words, you could have cried right then and there.  She had agreed to a phone call appointment and she had time right now to discuss things with you.  

Grasping your phone, you dialed her number.

“It’s good to hear from you Y/N,” Dr. Wang stated as she answered the phone.  

“Oh Dr. Wang it is so good to hear your voice.”

She let out a soft chuckle. “Yes, it has been a little over six months since we’ve last spoken.  How are things going with you?”

“Where to begin,” you started off saying.  You let her know that you indeed met your soulmates and had moved in with them. You went over the rules that Steve had given you and she made you feel better as she stated she had seen way worse rules.  Hell, she said your rules were like a walk in the park compared to some she has heard.

“Alright, now, let’s get down to business.  How are you feeling these past few days?” she asked curiously.  

“Ugh, not good. Moving was stressful but I have been feeling really irritated over the last few and I’ve had a few bouts of anger rush through me that makes me want to punch something, but I’ve luckily been able to hold back on that.”

“What about any risky behaviors such as reckless driving, spending sprees, binge eating, drug abuse or sabotaging anything positive in your life?”

“Not yet,” you stated. You knew the routine.  She was going over all the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder to see what has changed with you.  

“Ok good.  How about any intense fears of abandonment or rejection?”

That question always hit you like a punch to the gut.  The only reason you had stayed with John for so long was because of that right there. He purposely wouldn’t let you see Dr. Wang or he wouldn’t take you to get your medications refilled and because of that, you were starting to feel those feelings; not wanting to be abandoned no matter what.  

“Nope,” you replied.  

“Ok then.  I am going to increase the dosing on your current medications but I want to warn you.  Without you coming in and personally seeing me and without getting some blood work done, I don’t know how well this dosing is going to work, if it will work at all. We might need to discuss changing the medication all together,” she stated.  

“I understand Dr. Wang. And do you think maybe you could prescribe some sort of sleep medication for me too?”

“I can prescribe a one week trial of a sleeping medication for you.  After that, I really need you to try and come see me in the office and we can discuss that further.  Now, did you want me to send these prescriptions into your regular pharmacy?”

“Yes, that would be great. Thank you so much Dr. Wang.”

“No worries at all Y/N. Give the office a call and get an appointment set up.”

“I will.  Thanks again.”

Now that you had your medications all taken care of, you had to figure a way to leave the tower so you could get them.  

[duelistkingdom]

still having nightmares

yugi awakes from a nightmare.

(also on ao3)

Yugi had this dream before.

The ceremonial duel goes the same every single time. He reveals the card in the golden sarcophagus to be Monster Reborn and Atem loses the duel. In real life, Atem had gotten to choose to stay in his own body. In real life, Atem chose Yugi over whatever came next. This nightmare didn’t follow real life. Atem doesn’t stay and instead insists he doesn’t belong on Earth anymore. Yugi can’t breathe when Atem says it is time for him to go.

Atem’s eyes are always steeled and unreadable in this dream and that in itself is disturbing. Yugi can’t read him the same way he usually can. It’s like Atem is already distant from the jump. He goes off to the afterlife with a simple thumbs up and no matter how much Yugi doesn’t want Atem to leave, he lets him go. In truth, he wants to scream and beg for Atem to stay in this nightmare. It’s the same nightmare. And Yugi, in this nightmare, can’t remember real life. In fact, real life feels like the dream. He feels like he’s dreaming of an alternate ending where Atem chooses to stay with him, chooses to love him. And Yugi wants to beg for it.

Every single time, he doesn’t. He can’t bring himself to beg, not when Atem is so certain of leaving. He feels the weight in his chest, like he’s drowning. He wants so bad to have that life with Atem, sprawling out so tangibly in his head. He wants to tell Atem so bad that he loves him, to beg him to not leave. He lets Atem leave. The tomb collapses around him and for once, Yugi considers letting it bury him. His friends don’t let him get buried. And the entire world swirls around him and he’s pushing up to the surface. Or well, actually, he’s waking up.

His eyes examine the world around him, his chest heaving with anxiety. No matter how many times he has this dream, it’s always the same reaction to check his surroundings. He was in his room and he knew the game shop was still downstairs. The moonlight was filtering in through his window. And next time was Atem, sleeping peacefully. He liked the way the moonlight filtered onto Atem’s dark skin, really. It made Yugi look so pale in comparison and the moonlight seemed to sap away any color that Yugi’s skin might have otherwise had.

His hands reached out for Atem, pulling him closer. Atem barely reacted. In Yugi’s experience, Atem tended to be a fairly deep sleeper and rarely stirred when Yugi woke from his nightmares. And Yugi couldn’t bring himself to talk to Atem about these nightmares. Not when he still secretly feared that Atem regretted taking this second chance on life. The fear wasn’t going away and Yugi didn’t know what to do. Perhaps he should consider therapy but something about admitting that there was a problem scared Yugi too. It was like admitting that all the years of trauma got to him and it made him feel weak compared to everyone else who seemed to be adjusting easier.

Or maybe they weren’t. Yugi supposed he wouldn’t know when he refused to talk about any of it. Perhaps he wasn’t the only one secretly weighed down by the terror of losing Atem. He supposed his friends might agree that it was terrifying to think Atem might be gone forever. He wondered if any of them had the same nightmare. He had thought his only option was talk to Atem or keep it bottled up but he supposed that wasn’t true. Jonouchi, Anzu, or Honda might understand Yugi’s occasional nightmares about Atem leaving forever. It’d only been three months since Atem got his second chance at life, a chance to actually grow up and yet Yugi was still terrified the Gods might change their mind and take Atem away again.

Yugi realized that was the first time he actively admitted to that fear. It was so deep and primal that he wasn’t even sure if it made sense as a fear. He could ask Atem if the Egyptian Gods could revoke Atem’s second chance at life but he was scared that the answer would be yes. He supposed he was scared of a lot of things, really. He thought he was done with being scared after nearly dying for the fiftieth time but he supposed one was never really done with being scared. Turns out when one really loves someone, fear of losing them was always in the back of one’s mind. Especially considering how close he had come to actually losing Atem.

He traced out the details of Atem’s face, admiring the sharpness of his jaw and his high cheekbones. Everything about his face was so regal compared to how soft Yugi’s own face was. To Yugi, Atem was breathtaking and Atem seemed very well aware that he was considered attractive. Atem suddenly moved and Yugi held his breath, fearing he may have woken Atem. To his great relief, Atem merely settled on his back and he was still asleep. Yugi traced out the shape of Atem’s lips, breathlessly wondering how he got so lucky to have Atem actually stay with him. This beautiful man laying next to him was his and that was a little hard to wrap his head around.

This was probably the crutch of his fear, actually. It simply seemed too good for him to believe after four years of worrying about dying. All the horror leading up to a simple moment of lying in bed next to someone Yugi feared he’d lose forever... it just seemed to simple. Too gentle. He almost expected another threat at any given minute. But it never came. Perhaps it was true that they could finally relax.

Suddenly, Atem began to stir and seemed disoriented when he finally woke. “Aibou,” he said, half awake, “Aibou, are you awake?”

“Yeah,” he said softly, not wanting to wake anyone else in the house as he curled into Atem’s chest, tracing out gentle patterns into Atem’s chest. “Yeah, I’m awake.”

“You shouldn’t be,” Atem half teased as his arms wrapped tight around Yugi, pulling him closer and humming softly. Despite his gentle tease, Atem was grateful that Yugi was awake when he woke. He didn’t like to admit it, but sometimes his sleep was interrupted by nightmares. Perhaps he was still a touch traumatized from the truth of his past that came from betrayal by his own family in the past. Perhaps it was everything that he’d done since being awoken from the puzzle that haunted him. Either way, his nightmares were confusing and disjointed. “Tell me, aibou, why are you awake?”

Yugi stilled and for a moment, Atem believed that Yugi had simply fell back asleep. Atem couldn’t say how long before Yugi finally spoke again. “I had a nightmare,” Yugi admitted and once he admitted to that, he couldn’t stop admitting to what’s been weighing on his mind. It spilled out all at once, like when one is sick and tries to hold back the bile from coming up but when it finally broke loose, it was unstoppable. “I’ve been having nightmares... about the ceremonial duel. About what was supposed to happen. You know, you were supposed to leave. And I keep dreaming about you actually leaving and I... I dream that I want to ask you to stay but I can’t say anything. And I know we don’t talk about it, but I just...”

Yugi was rambling. In Atem’s experience, it was generally good to let Yugi ramble to get something off his chest but this... was too much for Atem. Instead of letting Yugi finish as he normally would, Atem cut him off with a kiss. A very fierce one, possessive even. Yugi gave a muffled noise of protest that went away, his hands reaching up to cup Atem’s jaw as Atem’s hands ran up under Yugi’s pajama top. Oh, how kissing Yugi was one of Atem’s favorite activities now. He didn’t know how had he ever lived without it, really. The warmth and comfort of Yugi being this close to him was enough to help him recenter himself.

He’d once said Yugi was the light and he stood by that. Yugi was like the sun and he was addicted to the warmth he provided. And oh, did he have nightmares of losing Yugi too. He could never forget his biggest mistake, how he had gambled Yugi’s soul unaware and lost. He had been so desperate to have Yugi back that he could barely remember half his actions taken at the time. It was still seared in his mind, the minute he watched Yugi’s soul be claimed. It surprised him to learn that Yugi had similar nightmares. He didn’t understand how Yugi could ever think that he’d want willingly leave Yugi’s side. Atem had done far crazier things in the name of protecting Yugi. Then again...

“Aibou, I know that duel was scary for you,” Atem said softly, well aware nothing he said about how he said he would stay would change anything. He didn’t know the context of Yugi’s dream well enough to make any assurances. He didn’t want to lie to Yugi anymore. He’d done enough lying for a lifetime, he’d decided. “If there is anything I can do to help, please... just tell me. I’ll do anything if it means you’d never have another nightmare again.”

Atem’s hands had moved to cup Yugi’s cheeks, his thumb gently stroking at his cheek. Atem was always in wonder over how truly beautiful Yugi is. Everything about Yugi was so soft and inviting. Atem often thought of Yugi like a marshmallow – so sweet and enjoyable and tender. Even Yugi’s lips tasted so sweet. Truly, he had gotten so lucky to simply sleep next to Yugi. He didn’t understand how fate worked, but he was glad it did. Even in the pale moonlight, Yugi dazzled him. As tempted as he was to kiss Yugi again, he held himself back.

“It’s just... you were supposed to leave,” Yugi said, carefully examining Atem’s face for any signs of emotion as he said this. Not being able to read Atem’s thoughts had been strange at first but now it was painful. At one point, they had gotten so used to hearing the other’s thoughts that simply parting into two seperate bodies had been disorienting. Atem’s face betrayed little emotion, however. “And I can’t help but wonder... do you regret staying?”

This took Atem back and instantly Yugi saw the flash of emotion. Confusion. “No. I could never regret staying with you.”

“But... all your friends and family from Egypt were waiting for you in the next life,” Yugi said, concerned. “Don’t you miss them?”

“Of course,” Atem replied, figuring there was no point in dishonesty. This was the time for all the cards to be on the table, as it were. “I miss them very much. But for the past... oh, I don’t know. Two thousand years, I suppose, I lost all memory of them. For thousands of years, all I remembered was wandering in darkness. Then I awoke to light and you, aibou. For me, my friends and family in Egypt have long since been gone. My life with you has been all I knew for four years and as nice as remembering my friends and family in Egypt, one of my family members did betray me by stabbing me to death and my friends all got to grow old without me. I feel like I would have been missing out on something if I didn’t stay here and have the chance to actually... become an adult. And have a proper life. And doing all that with you and our friends sounds like a dream come true.”

In that, Yugi had no response. As much as he’d like to say that was it, he’d never have another nightmare based on that duel ever again, he knew it was a ridiculous idea. The dream never cared for what actually hapened nor did it care for whatever sweet words Atem might tell Yugi in real life. None of what happened mattered. It did not matter that Atem’s first choice when having a body again was to immediately pull Yugi in for a tender kiss. It did not matter that Yugi’s victory did not make Atem leave him forever. Yugi had been mourning before the duel ever began only to get to keep Atem. The emotions were strong and he was overwhelmed by them. Overwhelmed to the point where he didn’t know what he needed from Atem.

The two of them were still for a moment, soaking in each other. The fact that they were still together was amazing, really. For the longest time, it seemed like perhaps fate wanted to seperate them and had been working to tear them apart. Finally, Yugi moved to close the gap between them and kiss Atem again. He just wanted to soak in Atem for one more moment, to feel him close to him. While they would never get the intimacy of literally sharing a body back, a new avenue of intimacy had opened up that they hadn’t had before. Yugi reached for Atem’s hand, his fingers tangling with Atem’s and pushing Atem up against his headboard. Yes, this was nice. Atem was more than eager to melt into Yugi, sitting up ever so slightly as he reached to tangle a hand into Yugi’s hair.

They were breathless when they finally broke apart for air, Atem smiling. He had completely forgotten his nightmare. Both of them were certain that this would not be the last night either of them had a nightmare. However, as Atem pulled Yugi’s shirt, it seemed like none of their worries mattered anymore.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #433

“i really wish that you could help, but my head is like a carousel: i’m going ‘round in circles”

Would you rather visit Rome or Spain? Rome. Do you really care what’s going on in celebrities' lives? Depends on the person. If I have a big interest in them, like Mark, then yes, because I care about that person and want to know they're well. Have you ever broke a plate/bowl? Accidentally. Has anyone ever drunk called/texted you? I don't think so. Can you do a backwards London bridges? Hell no, I'd bust my ass and spine. Are any of your pets “overweight”? Why the quotations? But anyway, no. Has anyone ever bought you a ring? Yeah. What has been the most traumatic experience of your life? Does it still bother you? The breakup with my first real bf. And well yeah, it resulted in PTSD. It sounds so overdramatic, I know, but I'm not even remotely exaggerating. Live a day in my head and tell me it's not actual trauma. If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today? God no, not right now. I am not in a position to be married right now. Think back to your most important relationship, was it all your fault it’s over? My damaged side wants to say yes, but I know to be realistic, we both failed in unique areas. He didn't communicate, and I just put too much weight on him. What was your first alcoholic drink? A Mike's Hard Lemonade. What were the first lessons you ever took? Ummm I want to say choir? Did you ever go to a mental hospital? Multiple times. Do you believe that weed should be legalized? Yes. Have you ever had a significant other with a mental disorder? Yes. If you could transform into something, what would that something be? Uhhh idk. Maybe a cat? Out of 10, (10 being really shy) how shy are you? Oh, easily a 10. When was the first moment you discovered love? I actually don't really know the moment I realized I was in love w/ Jason. It was a gradual thing, so no one occasion stands out. What’s the best mistake you’ve ever made? Well, I suppose accepting Jason's Facebook friend request because I thought he was a different Jason. I can't think of many good mistakes I've made... Even the one I mentioned, it's debatable how good that one was. I really do wonder how different my life would be if I declined it. What do you think of frogs? I love frogs! They're so cute and derpy. :') Who did you last worry about and why? My cat, because he was apparently hiding somewhere and Mom couldn't find him. Who did you last feel sorry for and why? Sara, because of health stuff she's dealing with. Is there a name that you can’t stand but it’s the name of a loved one? It sucks, I feel like this burning in my stomach a lot of the time when I hear "Ashley" because that was Jason's girlfriend after me. But I have a sister with the same name. Are you currently looking for a new place to live? I'm not, and I don't think Mom actively is, though we both want to move. When did you last make up a baby’s bottle? I don't think I ever have. Well... maybe once? idr Do you believe there’s a devil? No. Have you ever felt an earthquake? No. Have you ever been on an island? Yes, actually. Did you watch the last presidential inauguration? I've never watched one. Have you ever been a fan of The Killers? I don't consider myself a true "fan," no. I only like two songs that I know. Do you have your own lighter (why or why not)? No, because I don't need one? Do you believe in miracles (why or why not)? No. I just don't. Everything has the have a cause and reason. How often do you sleep naked? Never. Are you looking forward to your prom? If you already went, how was it? I went twice, and it was fun. I especially loved having the pictures taken that I regret wiping from the face of the earth. Prom itself was pretty bland each time, like you can't hear shit and they just play awful music, but still. I was a teenager with a very fairytale outlook on love and wanted to just feel like I was in one I guess. Do you prefer Quizno's or Subway and why? I don't think I've ever tried Quizno's, actually. What’s one of your best memories from during a rain storm? I don't know. Why did you need your most recent x-ray and what were the results? It was to see if I broke my foot, I think? If that's the one, then no. I also had my legs x-rayed at some point to see if they could find any damage there because of my extreme weakness in them, but there wasn't. Do people more often mistake you as being younger or older than you are? I actually don't know. Have you ever made out with someone you weren’t dating? No. Do you know anybody who was abused? Yes. Have you ever touched an elephant? No. How many siblings do you have? I have five I "count," but I do have another half-sister on my dad's side that I don't know. I want to, but yeah... it just hasn't happened. Do you get bored of your girlfriend/boyfriend easily? I've never gotten bored of any s/o I've had. Who do you want for president? I voted for Biden. Do you think abortions are horrible? No. Forcing someone to undergo what can easily be considered a traumatic experience is horrible. Do you enjoy drama? Ugh, no. Have you ever had a guinea pig for a pet? I've had a few. Were you/are you popular in school? No. I was very much under the radar and mostly stuck to myself and a small group of friends. What brand clothing do you wear the most? No clue. Have you ever studied any new age or occult religions such as Wicca? Yes, actually, when I was leaning towards Neo-Paganism. I did research into some of its branches, such as Wicca. Are you a wrestling fan? Not at all. I honestly think it's dumb. What’s the longest movie you’ve ever watched? I want to say Troy? It never felt THAT long to me though because I love it. Have you ever been on a subway? No. Do you think spending a ridiculously large amount of money on one designer item is stupid? It sure as hell isn't for me; I lean towards people can spend their hard-earned money on whatever they want, BUT I do feel that they could still spend their money on more important things. Do you find baths relaxing? No, they gross me out. Do you have any hats? I probably still have the hat Dad got me at a Carolina Hurricanes hockey game somewhere, but idk where. Has any part of your house ever been flooded? Not on the interior, no. Have you ever been interested in learning about murderers or murder cases? Not especially. Is there anyone that you’re worried about right now? Who and why? I'm just about praying Sara's new med for her POTS helps. I think me worrying how Jason is doing after his mother's death is gonna be a permanent fixture in the back of my head... If you won a lot of money, would you donate any of it? To what organization would you donate it? Oh, absolutely. I'd have to do some research first, but the Trevor Project comes to mind immediately, as well as ones that protect wildlife, help the mentally ill, fight cancer... Are you a competitive person? What are you most competitive about? Not really, no. I have my areas where I'm more likely to feel it than others, but it's generally mild. I'm not too sure what I'm most competitive about, but maybe outdoing other hunters in WoW since that's my main class that I've played religiously for years. Have you ever adopted a stray animal? Yes. What do you appreciate most about your parent(s)? The fact they somehow still support me even though I'm like... this. I feel like I should've exhausted their faith by now. Do you believe America should legalize drugs? If you think they should legalize only some drugs, which drugs do you think they should legalize? I only support the legalization of weed. What is your biggest turn-off of a person (besides physically)? Arrogance, probably. Or being aggressive/explosive. What song cover do you like better than the original? "Sound of Silence" by Disturbed, for one. That one's easy. If you could find one long-lost friend of the past, who would it be? Megan. I want her to know I forgive her and miss her friendship. What holiday do you enjoy the most? Christmas. (: Were you born in the state you live in? Yep. Have you ever lived in a house that has been broken into? No, but almost. Who do you know that watches the most sports? Probably my dad? Idk. Do you like South Park? Not really. Are you good at bowling? No. Made out for more than 3 minutes? Three minutes is nothin' lmao. Have you ever gone snorkeling or scuba diving? If yes, what’s the coolest thing you’ve seen? No, but I'd love to. What’s your favorite filling in chocolates? Caramel. What do you remember from sex ed class when you were younger? Abstinence was the only option. Heteronormativity. What’s the first instrument you ever played? Ha, a recorder back in elementary school. Have you ever had a friend break up with a bf/gf for you? Essentially. We didn't date, but that's why he broke up with her, because he wanted me instead. Do you see a bright light at the end of your tunnel? I don't like thinking about this. I can only hope there is, but I doubt it a lot. Have you ever waited in line overnight for something? No. Is there such a thing as being too rich or too poor? "Too poor" is very obviously a thing??? "Too rich" is more complicated to me, as I can see both sides to it. Like it's your hard-earned money, but at the same time, is it really necessary at a certain point? Like start donating regularly or something. Do something good. Do you think having an expensive phone is a good investment? Depends on how expensive, I suppose, and what you use it for. What’s your largest bill? Electric, gas, phone, etc. I don't have any of my own bills. It's embarrassing by this age. Do you like your job? I'd like to even have a job... What is your favorite song and why? "False Flags" by Massive Attack, because it's so poetically haunting in its message of how fucked up politics are. Its monotonous tone also adds another layer of sadness to it, like a reminder of how "normal" and bland and unsurprising everything is, no matter how horrible... I could honestly probably write an essay on how I interpret the song, especially if you add in the incredible symbolism of such a simplistic music video. Are you introverted or extroverted? I am very introverted. If you’re married and your spouse cheated on you, would you forgive them? Nope, byeeeee~ Who knows the real you the most? Sara, really. How old is the oldest person you’ve had sexual relations with? He'd be 27 now. Have you been upset the past few days? My PTSD has been kinda vicious the past couple days, especially today. Then earlier at my nephew's b-day party I had to nearly bite my fucking tongue off with that family's political bullshit. My anger really flared up a few times hearing despicable shit, but I think I concealed it fine by just not saying a word. What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever thought of doing for a job? Nothing "crazy," really... Who was your first celebrity crush? Jesse McCartney had my young heart, ha ha. When did you last see or speak to someone you dislike? Why do you dislike this person? Today, at my nephew's aforementioned b-day party. I in specific don't like my sister's husband because he's sexist, racist, homophobic, bigoted... I could go on and on. We don't just have "different opinions," we have different morals entirely. When you listen to music, do you generally sing along, or just listen? I almost always just listen. I don't sing a lot. Can you remember the last time you felt emotional? What was the reason? Today. PTSD is a bitch. What if you were told that your life has to stay exactly as it is right now, and nothing will ever change? How would you feel about that? Quite honestly, I don't think I would want to live anymore. Have you ever been to the hospital for something really serious? I'd consider an OD on cold medicine to be serious, but then again, I experienced almost no effects from it. Idk if I just got fluids fast enough or what, but whatever it was, I'm thankful for. Are you excited for winter? UGGGHHHH BRING IT ONNNNNNN. Have you ever had a moment with someone you like that seemed like a movie moment? Many. What are you listening to right now? "Down In The Park" by Marilyn Manson. What’s your favourite flavour of iced tea? Tea is gross. Have you ever been to a casino? If so, which one(s)? No. Have you ever visited a sex shop? I haven't. Have you ever ridden a bicycle through a busy city? NOOOOOOOO. I could never do that. What’s your favourite place to get pizza? Literally Domino's, lmao. I am so basic. Do you have a lock number or pattern for your phone? No. There sure isn't anything important on it. What’s the most number of people you’ve ever lived with? Five.

[mycandylavynder]

Episode 10 Thoughts (Spoilers)

So, our wonderful Candy gets embarrassed by being relentlessly praised by her teacher and the director. This...as corny and awkward as it was for her...felt good. Candy works hard and deserves the recognition because our girl is a 🌟. I'm glad that they gave her the opportunity to hit it out the park.

Next up...Yeleen. Oh, Yeleen. She is a frustrating person...but as far as character development, I think she is one of the better written characters in this game. Her reactions are genuine to her conflict with her mom and her ability to introspect after hearing a reasonable argument makes her very likable. Although she is often immature and irritable, it is understandable because her high pressure relationship with her mom. It reminds me a little of the pressure Nathaniel faced in HSL to be the best at everything. I really like seeing vulnerable Yeleen and like the moments when Yeleen and Candy are friendly. I'm glad Yeleen had a bit of a break through moment and realized she needs to live her life for herself. I think she'll be more successful in the end when she is able to relax more and find herself.

Now...Castiel, interrupting our fued with Yeleen. There were definitely some nice flirty opportunities on our part toward Castiel. I thought it was pleasantly bold of her to say she could join him in the shower... especially since he ends up seeing her in a towel. Lol

Now their "date" was very casual, unfortunately. But I guess they wanted to give us a glimpse of what our future will be like with the lead of Crowstorm. But it was nice to have some one-on-one time with him again. I wish we could have watch his new video too. And I wish the fangirls weren't around so we could have gotten to talk about things other than his music. But I still enjoyed it. Especially when he came to the room early and saw Candy in her towel. That was a cute anime moment. And it was nice to have his attention in general. Although I can see why people would feel like things are rushed in his route, I think what happened was ok. Candy and Castiel have a long history (especially if he is your ex) so I think it would be normal to feel more comfortable once you know the person's intentions isn't to hurt you. So I think they are a good place together and feel safe with each other's feelings. I feel happy about that.

Now the kiss in front of the fangirls was wild. Lol it was cool to the story although it wasn't my favorite in comparison to the other LIs because he did it to shoo of the fangirls but it put Candy in a weird position. He definitely should have sent a text to clear that one up the next day...that would have been nice...

And Nath, oh Nath. I really enjoyed his date. although quite frankly, I am over the entire "tell me what shady danger business you are up to" banter but it was nice to talk to him about his scars and to have the self defense date. The kiss was waaaaaay cute. I really loved the scene and it left a very nice feel to their relationship. But of course they had to damper that with the text at the end...but I still think we got a solid glimpse that his feelings for Candy are genuine.

Over all, I liked the dates in general. The LI's taking the first step to date us and invite us out was refreshing. I think this was more realistic to the college experience in that sense as I think it is common for dating to be more relaxed and fun. I know some people might complain that this is too soon, but I feel like most people go on their first date at this point. I think once people know what the want to try out, they try it out. And when I look at my friend's that are dating, I think they date to similar timelines, if not sooner.

Now...Alexy and Rosa....

So...we have a meet up at the snake bar with them at the bar and all is 'well'. Alexy even apologizes for not really being present in his friends lives because of his new found love. Which was cool. I felt Beemov was trying to help redeem these two during that scene and it seemed ok. Plus, it is nice to be supportive to Rosa since she is pregnant. My husband and I had our first child at 20 and I am currently 23 and pregnant with our second and there is definitely a struggle that occurs between you and your unmarried, child free friends because they are in such a different reality to you that it's hard to relate to each other at times. I think they did ok in showing some of this in how Alexy and Candy try to awkwardly offer helpful but supportive advice. I think it was good since it is common for someone in a person's friend group to have kids earlier than the rest and it is good to still try and support them and keep the friendship brewing.

But I think because of this...I feel a little disappointed by their decision to have Rosa miscarry. I have known several people that have, and it is very difficult and sensitive and I don't think they wrote it with justice and integrity at all. It seemed like a very cheap, tacky, and tasteless way to stir up drama for the game when I think they could have stirred up drama and she still continued to have the baby. Not to mention that they absolutely should have offered a trigger warning since miscarriages are extraordinary traumatic and painful experiences.

With that said...I also felt they handled Rosa's pregnancy kind of weirdly anyway. I think them rushing to tell us that Rosa finished the nursery was an attempt to make us feel even more crushed by the miscarriage. (which honestly most women wait till 2nd to 3rd trimester to do that. There is an entire nesting stage that most pregnant ladies go through towards the end of their pregnancy to prepare the house for baby. Not saying that lots of women don't prepare sooner but it is very uncommon in my experience because the likely hood of having a miscarriage is significantly higher in the first few weeks/first trimester than in the other trimesters and doctors normally tell you that up front so you don't set your self up for a crushing disappointment if you lose the baby early on.) But yes, the whole baby prep stuff was so rushed in my opinion. I just kind of feel put off by how they wrote it because of the vague timeline presented in the game. I just wish they didn't choose the miscarriage route since they aren't great at sensitive topics.

But they did...and now we have that horrific crap fest that happened at the hospital where we see the absolute worst in Alexy and Rosa (which is understandable because she just lost a baby.) They tried to play up on her hormones causing her emotions to be all over the place prior to the hospital scene, which honestly is no joke...prenatal depression and mood swings are a very difficult ocean to navigate during and after pregnancy. I think it just brought to light some of the more uglier aspects to Rosa's personality that were clearly there before she was pregnant. Although I know she is grieving, she could have pushed her friends away before insinuating that if they adopted a child it would be loved less. Which might even be true for her, but that was certainly a comment that would have been better said in confidence to Leigh since he too understands how she is feeling and they fortunately have each other to grieve with.

And Alexy, clearly hurt by this, shouldn't have pushed this topic further. He should have just left to take a break from the situation because honestly, him and Candy aren't equipped to deal with this loss so freshly. Maybe Rosa and Leigh should have kept it to themselves and maybe their family for a few days and then lean on their friends. But to expect Alexy and Candy to have eloquent comforting skills through this seems unfair too. Alexy definitely should have left it alone, gotten some air, and reflected on the fact that she is deeply hurt that she lost a baby. And although well wished, the advice of "you can try again or just adopt" probably feels belittling to Rosa's feelings for the baby and overwhelming to think about since she doesn't know if she has a condition that may keep her from carrying to full term.

Alexy and Rosa are so far from the level-headed insightful people they used to be in highschool. They both are self-centered and seem like they lack the ability to empathize on a deeper level. The whole "leave the group chat" was childish. Alexy, although he has every right to be upset about the comment, should also try to keep it in context.

But whatever to that hot mess... Chani was awesome as always. And over all, I liked the episode. Just, not happy with them using the miscarriage as way to create drama.

[imaginedanganronpa]

The warriors of hope being saved and then adopted by a kind-hearted s/o? And living peacefully in a safe enviroment and learning to be children for real? Kinda like an au where junko didn't fuck up everything....i just want to see my babies happy!!

I’m in the middle of playing through UDG for the first time, so I feel like I know these kiddos well enough to write about them. I hope you all enjoy!

Warriors of Hope Being Adopted & Living Safely and Peacefully As Real Children!

Nagisa Shingetsu

He was very reluctant to enter a new home after everythingthat happened.

For a while, he isolated himself and took his time to adjust to the new home.Of course, he was thankful and appreciative of your kind gestures, but hedidn’t quite know how to react.

This was so different than how things used to be… he was used to a chaotic,pressuring environment. It took him a while to fully trust you.

But, Nagisa is a good kid. He’s very sweet once he opens up.

Due to his previous traumatic environment, he rejects many of your welcomingoffers. You have to teach him how to act like a real kid again, and how totrust others.

There is no stress in this home. You encourage him to do well and help in anyway that you can, but you do not try to pressure or force him to succeed. Hedoesn’t know how to do this because he’s used to having high expectations.

Once he finally realizes that you just want him to be genuinely happy and notworry about school or excelling so much, he relaxes and lets his guard down.

It takes him several months to finally, fully adjust.

However, he becomes a happy member of your family. Nagisa still takes his workand school seriously, but he spends plenty of free-time doing other things. Helearns that he doesn’t have to try too hard to do well, because he is naturallyintelligent, and slowly stops pushing himself so hard.

He becomes much, much happier after doing so.

Nagisa becomes quite the helping-hand at home. He loves chores because he wantsto feel helpful. He is also incredibly compassionate and a great speaker.

His favorite thing to do is tell you all about his day – school, friends, whathe’s been up to, and so on. 

He always wants to learn new things, and he took up becoming a club leader formany school events. Chess, Book Club, and History Club in particular.

He’ll invite you to play games with him, but he somehow always wins. Although,Nagisa is humble and he’ll never boast… too much.

Kotoko Utsugi

Kotoko has some trust issues, but she is very relieved whenshe finally finds a good home. She eases into the environment quicker thanothers.

Due to her experiences, she is much closer to the women in your family ratherthan the men, and she becomes quite the ‘Mommy’s Girl.’

At first, she has quite the temper. She can be a bit hostile at times but youlearn to give her space. 

When she finally settles down, she is a very sweet child. She has a bit of aninferiority complex and a habit of apologizing way too often.

She loves helping you bake – she’s much better at making sweets than she isactual food, which she burns. She always insists on doing the decorating.

She also loves being the center of attention. Kotoko is very outgoing anddemands a lot of attention and care, and she can be quite needy, but you neverreally mind. 

Her favorite holiday is Halloween, which is a little surprising since shetypically only likes cute things. But she loves it because it gives her areason to dress-up. She insists on making her own costumes, and even though it’ssupposed to be ‘scary’ she still goes as a Princess, a Bride, a Fairy, or soon.

Kotoko loves dancing, and she takes up dance classes after school as well asDrama club in school so she’s a very busy little girl.

And you already know you have to attend all of her performances! Nothing makesher happier than seeing you right in the front row. That’s where she thrives.

She’s always by your side. She asks to help you with everything, even if sheknows she’ll be useless. Like, if you need help changing a car part orsomething… she’s very aware that she can’t really do anything but she stilldoes her best.

She is wise beyond her years and ends up becoming your best friend. When you’reupset, she always comforts you and knows exactly what to say. She’ll supportyou and listen to anything, and she likes writing letters to you, thanking youfor everything you’ve done and telling you how much she appreciates you.

Kotoko has very bad nightmares, so more often than not she’ll ask to sleep inthe same bed as you. She never loses her childlike innocence.

Monaca Towa

She doesn’t accept your family right away.

While going through the process, she seems like a very sweet girl. She doesn’tloosen up and turn a cold shoulder until she actually gets back to your home.

Monaca is surprised when you show her relentless love and compassion. Slowly,she learns to do the same.

She instantly charms the rest of your family.

But she has the tendency to throw fits when she doesn’t get her way, and it’s hardfor you to not give in. Monaca also settles into your home quickly and makesherself feel very welcome, and she isn’t shy around you whatsoever.

She can still be a bit rude sometimes so you need to find something to turnthat into positive energy, so you get her a puppy, and her crudeness melts intolove and adoration for it.

Since she’s filled with resentment, it takes her a long time to finally getcomfortable with you.

She finds out that she really likes video games. She ends up falling in love,especially with platformers and strategy-based games. She uses her intellect toexcel in these hobbies.

Monaca hates school for a long time but eventually eases into falling in lovewith it once again. She doesn’t join any clubs but she becomes very popular andmakes plenty of friends.

She has a bit of deviance to her, so she can lie to you about certain things.She also makes it a habit to prank and tease the members of your family;eventually, you learn to handle her sense of humor and let this slide.

Also, she gets really into blogging. It becomes her biggest hobby. Mainlylifestyle blogging, but she uses it to vent about her life as well.

She’s a sucker for social media and keeps up with all the latest trends. She’llalso pull you aside to show you videos she likes, new internet challenges, orlets you proof read her blogs before she posts them.

Monaca becomes a gentle person, and does very well in school. She makes it tothe top of her class and even runs for class president. Deep down, you knew shewas a sweetheart and you just had to break through that cold side of her first.

Masaru Daimon

Masaru takes no time at all to find his place in your home,and he fits in quite comfortably.

He’s actually excited that someone is adopting him and can’t wait to finallymeet his new family and enter his forever home.

He makes himself at home, and turns into a very typical little boy. He’ssomewhat messy, loud, and can be irritable – overall, he’s a handful.

While he can be bratty and arrogant, you teach him how to be a softer person.It takes a long time to finally shape him into being a kind and considerateyoung man, because he used to be a bit of a bully.

He would jump from home to home because he wouldn’t get along with the otherkids and defy the adults, so your first action is to straighten him out. 

In reality, he’s just being a kid. He doesn’t know better, so showing him loverather than pushing him back into the street and turning him a cold shoulderproves to work well.

For being so young, he is quite bossy. Masaru takes pride in leadership roles,so you give him chores that are exclusive to him and give him a sense ofimportance around the house. It gives him a way to exert that bossy energy intosomething helpful, which is a win-win.

Of course, he’s very active. He immediately joins all the sports andsport-related clubs in school and becomes quite popular. He tries not lettingit go to his head.

Being the good parent you are, you attend all of his games for everything andcheer him on along the sidelines.

It makes him feel special and thrilled because he’s never had someone be sosupportive; your bond only grows stronger.

He loves making you proud and feeling accomplished, so anytime he gets thechance to show you something he’s learned, both athletic and academic, and showoff – he definitely will. He’ll rush you and start cheering, “(Y/N)! (Y/N)!Watch this, watch this!”

Masaru is very competitive. You try having family game nights which end in himgetting flustered. He also likes challenging you to races and other activitiesand gloats whenever he can.

You have to keep him active in order to keep him focused, otherwise he wondersoff.

He’s a troublemaker, so he’ll prank you and tease you a bunch, but he slowlysoftens up and learns how to be considerate. It’s always in good fun and hecares about you deeply.

Masaru becomes very independent very quickly, and blossoms into a very caringyoung man. His only issue is trouble in school, but he knows you’ll love himregardless of his grades.

Jataro Kemuri

He’s very reluctant to be adopted. Like Nagisa, he staysisolated for a while. He takes the longest amount of time to finally open upand trust you.

Since his inferiority issues are so severe, he constantly blames himself forthings that don’t involve him. He apologizes a lot and stresses out aboutpleasing you. You work even harder with him in order to correct these problems. 

You need to constantly reassure him that nothing is his fault and that he isloved and adored; it takes a while for him to believe you.

Jataro hates being ignored, so once he gets used to the house, he’s always atyour ankles. He never leaves you alone and will follow you like a lost puppy.

He likes school but being away from the person that shows him the mostaffection puts him in distress.

He ends up being homeschooled, which lets you work with him to solve hisproblems and lets him stay with you – though it is hard, you do end upadjusting and making it work.

Because he tries so hard to make you happy, he’ll make artwork of you and therest of your family. All the gifts from him are self-made and creative.

Nothing makes him feel prouder than when you put his art on the fridge.

Sometimes, he says he doesn’t deserve you. However, Jataro will alwaysappreciate and welcome your support, because it’s something he’s never had. Allhe needs is someone who will let him be completely himself and stand by him nomatter what.

He also uses you to fuel his creativity – making art and sculptures, he eventakes up writing and making poems and handwritten notes, telling you how muchhe loves you.

Jataro also adores Christmas, it’s his favorite holiday because it means hegets to make gifts for everyone he loves and he feels proud when he sees yourhappy reactions.

He takes up origami and will leave you little surprises to find around thehouse whenever you least expect it. 

He’s not a troublemaker whatsoever. He ends up being a well-mannered, happykid. He makes good friends with other kids in the neighborhood and slowlystarts becoming more confident. 

Jataro also loves having movie nights but he suggests some really horrificmovies. He has a big soft spot for anything horror-related so you get suckedinto watching some pretty wicked things, but it makes him happy, so you’ll doanything for him.

- Mod Rantaro

[kpop-goestheweasel]

Could I ask for maybe a mini scenario about how B.A.P would react to you having menstral cramps? Thanskk! Love your stuff

I’m still here. I’m still alive. I’m still working on things. Not having a computer really has put a damper on things, but once taxes come back, I’ll hopefully be able to get a new computer. Fingers crossed. Anyway, thanks for your request! Hope this fits what you were looking for [:

Yongguk: You laid with your head on his lap as you watched a movie together. It was the first day of your monthly friend’s visit and you were really feeling it. Yongguk had already noticed your fatigue so he had announced a nice lazy day together and broke out the chocolate you had hidden away from yourself last week. He never ceased to remind you why your heart belonged to him.

The warmth of his leg pressed against your cheek and the comfort of his thumb brushing over your arm was slowly lulling you into a deep relaxation; the movie slowly fading out of your attention as you warred over letting yourself succumb to the slumber that was beckoning you. But just as you were about to let your eyes flutter closed and your body relax, your uterus decided there was no better time to suddenly punch you from the inside out.Hissing on an intake of breath, you immediately jolted up and clenched yourself into a ball on the couch beside your boyfriend. The sudden movement and obvious pain in your demeanor had Bang’s attention immediately. His hand rubbed up and down your back soothingly as he scooted closer to try and see your face to determine just how serious the situation was. “Are you okay? Is there anything I can do?” Your heart warmed at his concern. It always touched you to be on the receiving end of his never-ending care and compassion. Even with your lower abdomen imploding on itself, you couldn’t help but to smile to yourself. And just as quickly as it had come, the cramping faded away and you relaxed into your man’s embrace, shifting your smile of gratitude to him.“I’m fine; just being a girl,” you quipped before stealing a quick kiss for good measure. “You’ve already been super sweet and made things a lot easier. But since you offered… you wanna take my uterus for the week?” you teased.

Yongguk gave a hearty chuckle and offered a gummy smile as he wrapped his arms around you. “I don’t think I’d get along any better with it. You should probably hold onto it for safekeeping. We might want to use it in the future.” The insinuation in his words were not lost on you and you found yourself melting into him once again.Though your uterus was pretty angry at the moment and giving you a hard time, you certainly did look forward to eventually using it someday… especially with the man that currently held you in his arms.

–Yongguk will be one that will be super understanding during this time and do his best to help make you a little more comfortable, but he’s not particularly going to bend over backwards to do so. He’ll be level headed and ready to lend some support whether it’s emotional or otherwise. Still, he won’t baby you too much since you’ve obviously gone through cycles before him and survived; though, it will bother him to an extent to see you in pain and not be really able to do anything about it.

Himchan: You’ll admit it. For one week each month, you’re the whiny one of the couple. But it’s truly within good reason. Who wouldn’t be when their insides were practically tearing themselves apart and draining from yourself? Then again, as miserable as this time always was, there was also a silver lining to it.

“Here Jagiya, I got a fresh hot pack, and it’s been long enough to take more painkillers or muscle relaxers if you need. Did you want me to get you fresh water? Or do you want juice instead?”You smiled at Himchan as he scurried into the room and quickly changed out the hot pack sitting on your lower abdomen. It was this time of month when the roles between the two of you reversed and instead of him being the whiny -albeit lovable- princess, he became your knight in shining armor, ready to do anything and everything in his power to make you as comfortable as he could.

Silently, you watched him run about as he adjusted this around the room specifically for your comfort. He placed a bottle of muscle relaxers beside a fresh glass of juice and picked up the empty ice cream carton to throw away. You couldn’t help but to admire not only how doting he was but also just how many little details he remembered of things you like during this time of month. You didn’t have to ask for a single thing. He had everything you needed or wanted as soon as you mentioned your impending misery.  Whether this was to avoid another traumatic experience like the first time he endured a menstrual cycle with you, or because he genuinely cared; which honestly you were pretty sure it was the later, it was nice to be completely worry free and get to focus solely on overcoming the discomfort of being a woman.

–And here is the other end of the spectrum. As soon as he detects even the slightest bit of pain, Mama Himchan makes an appearance and you can be sure you’ll be well taken care of for the duration of your monthly. He’ll be super intuitive and you’ll get to see just how caring this man can be. And as hard as it is for him to see you in pain and as extensive as he may get in his care for you, he’ll still have a decently chill demeanor to him throughout.

Daehyun: “Jagiya?” You could hear your boyfriend’s voice loud and clear as soon as he entered your apartment. Even though you were feeling pretty cruddy from your little friend, you couldn’t help but to smile knowing your favorite person had decided to ignore you when you told him not to bother coming over because you weren’t feeling too awesome. Turning off the water of the bath with your foot as you continued to lazily soak amongst the slowly disappearing bubbles, you called back to him and let him know where you were. Seconds later there was a light knock on the door before he peeked his head in and gave a small, concerned smile in greeting. “You said you weren’t feeling well.” His smile faded into a frown and your heart nearly burst at his cute puppy-like face.

Lifting a hand, you gestured him into the bathroom. “Just girl things,” you replied, offering a reassuring smile as he registered what you meant.

Stepping into the bathroom, he closed the door behind himself to ensure the warm air of the small room wouldn’t escape. Your smile widened as he licked his lips hesitantly. “Can I join you?” he asked, gesturing to the tub. As soon as you nodded in reply, he started shedding his clothes and soon enough he slipped into the tub behind you then gently pulled you back so you rested against his chest. “I’m sorry you have to go through that,” he spoke as his hands gently moved over your body, coaxing your muscles to relax. There was something incredibly domestic and sweet about simply sharing a bath with no sexual intentions to it. You found yourself falling even harder for him as his lips gently pressed to your shoulder. “Should I order pizza or chicken?” he questioned, pulling a hand from you to reach for his phone that sat on the toilet just outside the tub. Your smile widened all the more.“Both,” you answered, grinning.He chuckled behind you and laid another loving kiss atop your head. “That’s my girl.”

-Dae’s just going to take your state as another greenlight to be all the more affectionate. You can be you’ll be spoiled and well cared for during this time; but let’s be real, it’s probably not going to be much different than how he is with you all the time. Still, he’ll probably tone down his energy a bit and show more of his sentimental side, proving all the more how intuitive he can be.

Youngjae: “Youngjaaaaaaaaaaaae,” you whined as you curled up on the couch beside him and rested your head on his shoulder.Your boyfriend didn’t even flinch as his sole focus remained on the videogame he was playing. “No,” he replied with his usual snarkiness, guessing from your tone that you were about to suck up to him to get him to do something he wasn’t going to enjoy. As soon as he spoke the word, he prepared for a punch in the arm or a returned remark to ‘put him in his place’, but your returned silence caught him by surprise and earned you his full attention. Pausing the game, he glanced at you and instantly frowned as he found you clenching your eyes tightly shut and holding onto yourself. He knew what that expression meant and his game quickly lost all thought. Turning to you, he wrapped his arms around you and held you, wishing he could take the pain for you. “If you’re in so much pain, why’d you get out of bed?” he scolded lightly as he petted your hair softly.

Opening your eyes, you looked up at him with a little pout. “You weren’t there and laying in bed all day is boring.” You could literally watch his resolve crumble. As hard as he tries not to be overly affectionate or corny, you knew you had him in the palm of your hand.“Fine. Find something to watch or play while I get you some tea.” He gave a little sigh as if put out by the task, but you knew his ‘annoyance’ was just for show. It was amusing how even after all this time together he still felt the need to put on his little facade of ‘big tuff guy’ even though you knew he was a total squishy sweetheart. He never fails to make sure you’re well cared for. Like the first time he experienced your menstrual cramps, while he thought you weren’t looking he looked up remedies to help you and quickly found that some chamomile tea quickly puts your body -angry uterus included- at ease and some distraction quickly shoves the pain to the back of your mind. As uncomfortable as you are in your body over the week, you kind of looked forward to this time of the month simply because it always included the best bonding with your boyfriend.

–Though he’ll try to act like it’s not a big deal and throw a little remark here and there about how you’re a big baby and you’re lucky he loves you so much, he really hates seeing you in pain and will definitely make efforts to relieve your pain on the downlow. He doesn’t want to admit how wrapped around your finger he is, but his girl definitely earns herself a special place in his heart.

Jongup: A low groan fell from the slumbering boy’s plump lips as he slowly filters to reality. His arm lazily reaches out for the warmth that had been beside him the night before, but finding the other side of the bed cool and empty quickly pulled him to the world of consciousness. Sitting up he rubbed his eyes and ran a hand lazily through his hair as he pulled himself from the bed to stumble into the living room in search of you.

You sat on the couch with morning cartoons playing quietly, a warm pack lying on your lower abdomen. Your attention shifted to him as he entered with a raised brow. “Cramps. I didn’t want to wake you,” you explained, knowing all too well how much that boy loved his sleep.Again, he only gave a nod and trudged to the kitchen. You glanced after him, curious of his intentions, but in your current state you really couldn’t be bothered to get up to see. Instead, you relaxed back into the couch and returned your attention to the cartoons you honestly weren’t really paying attention to to begin with.Minutes later he returned somehow balancing two bowls of cereal and a cup of hot cocoa. After handing you one bowl and setting the other on the coffee table along with the cup, he shuffled back to the kitchen and returned with another cup of warm sweetness. Motioning for you to sit up a bit, he sat on the couch behind you for you to lean on while you both ate.

A few bites in, another rather painful cramp clenched you from the inside out and you gave a little groan of pain. The sound caught your boyfriend’s attention and he gave a frown before quickly finishing his cereal and sat in on the coffee table to free his hands. Laying one over you, he gently massaged your stomach. “Stop hurting my girlfriend,” he mumbled groggily, giving your lower abdomen a little glare. You smiled to yourself and glanced up at your ever so unique boyfriend thinking about how you wouldn’t trade him for the world.

–Jongup will definitely have his own way of taking care of you. He won’t necessarily go out of his way to do so, but he will make sure you’re comfortable for the most part. Not going to lie, there will be some awkward moments with him not knowing exactly what to do or say. That’s really just part of his charm, no? He’ll basically resort to doing whatever would make him feel better kind of figuring it’d do some good at least.

Zelo: You giggled as the both of you playfully danced together in one of the practice rooms at the company. He later had practice with the group, but for the time being had time to kill, so you joined him to catch a little one-on-one time while you could.After twirling you around himself, Zelo swooped you back, trying to mock a sensual dance move, but the sudden pull caused an unfavorable stretch that riled up a little tantrum from your already sensitive girl parts. You gave a little gasp and tensed at the sudden jolt of pain which your boyfriend instantly noticed and in a moment of panic, thinking that he had hurt you, he loosened his hold and nearly dropped you in the process. You’re just lucky he realized his mistake and had quick enough reflexes to catch you before you hit the floor. 

“Are you alright?” he asked, staring down at you with a mixed expression of concern and guilt. You couldn’t help but to smile at the sweet boy and place a hand on his cheek.“I’m fine,” you promised him as he pulled you back up to your feet. His expression hadn’t changed much, still worrying over the obvious pain you had encountered. You gave a little giggle and patted his cheek adoringly. “I’m just a little sensitive to certain movements right now,” you explained, rubbing your lower abdomen with your other hand to hint at what you were talking about. But that cute giant was not picking up what you were putting down and only raised a questioning brow at you. Holding back a sigh, you elaborate a bit more. “I’m bleeding.” You swear you could have facepalmed as you watched the alarm instantly flare over his features. He took a step back to inspect you to find the wound you spoke up. With a smirk you shook your head. “You’re not going to find where I’m bleeding from.” His eyes returned to yours as he raised a brow. This time you simply stared back and let him work out what you were talking about himself. It didn’t take long for the realization to fall over him and his mouth formed a small ‘o’ before he grimaced at the thought of it. Giving him a pout, you lightly punched him in the arm. “Don’t give me that gross face. I can’t help it,” you whined at him.It was his turn to give a chuckle as he pulled you against his chest, melting a little bit at the size difference between the both of you. “I know. My poor baby,” he cooed teasingly, earning himself another light punch as you rested your cheek against his hard chest, relishing in his warmth that surrounded you and made you feel like nothing in the world could get to you right then. “How ‘bout we go upstairs to the studio and watch youtube videos or a movie until practice?” he suggested, still keeping his hold firm.

You smiled to yourself before tilting your head up to look at him, resting your chin against his chest. “Can we order some chicken too?” Playing up your ‘poor’ state, you gave him your best puppy-dog eyes just to play with him a little more. You watch his lips pull to a crooked grin before he leaned down and placed a gentle kiss on your forehead.“You can have whatever you want.” Pulling back to look down at you he narrowed his eyes a little. “Within reason,” he added, knowing full well you were probably going to milk it for all its worth.

–Not going to lie, his youth may show a little during this time. You may receive a little ‘gross’ or sour face when he learns of your state, but in turn, he’ll also pretty much cater to your every whim. Though he doesn’t quite understand just how uncomfortable this time of month is, he does get that it’s not super easy for you so you’ll get all sorts of sympathy from him and he’ll be up for doing whatever he can to make it better for you. Go ahead and milk it because honestly, he’ll like taking care of you and getting to be the one to baby someone else for a change.

[prompt-master]

Two Bros Chilling On The Roof

“You know what my favorite thing about this is?”

“Oh no. Do I want to know?”

“It’s totally your face man, you should see how scared you look.”

Michael tried to hold back laughter, but Jeremy was clinging to him arm, trying to look anywhere but down. Michael had decided to celebrate finishing junior year by drinking Dr. Pepper on the roof while his parents were gone. He offered Jeremy to come with, but Jeremy refused so quickly he just had to tease the guy. Of course when that happened Jeremy decided he had to prove himself and came anyway. That lead up to where they are now, relaxing up on the roof, Jeremy clinging to the other. It would have been really nice if it wasn’t for the skinny boys fear, the sun was setting, the air was warm and clean, and they had a perfect view of the town. When Michael laughed Jeremy made a undignified noise, holding tighter onto his arm and digging nails into the fabric.

“Stopstopstop you’re making the roof shake!” He didn’t even know his voice could get so high

“Dude if you’re so scared you don’t have to be up here!” Michael wrapped an arm around him protectively, showing off his teeth through a wide smile.

Jeremy turned to him, suddenly determined, “No way I’m staying right up here” then he took deep breath, “but can we get farther from the edge?”

“Of course Jerry Bo Berry” Michael fluffed his hair, ignoring the protests. He held Jeremy by the waist and guided him towards the center of the roof.

“Ok I’m gonna let go-”

“Michael Mell don’t you dare.”

“-and grab the cooler. You gotta trust me man!”

“…fine”

Michael reached over to the window they climbed out of as Jeremy clinged to the chimney. He took a deep breath, looking up at the orange tinted sky, the clouds a dark blue as the sun set. Michael ducked under the roof, pulling the cooler up with him. Jeremy set his eyes down over the town, watching all the cars and bicyclists riding around. For a moment he wondered if anyone would see him and judge, but really it didn’t matter. With Michael he could easily turn those embarrassing moments into a fun memory. Michael grunted as he gave a final big tug to the cooler, stumbling backwards from the weight and force. He toppled and leaned excessively, Jeremy screeched and grabbed Michael’s hand to steady him.

“Ha thanks man.”

“Dude be more careful!”

“Yeah but hey at least you’re not stuck to something right now.”

Jeremy’s eyes widened at the realization, he was simply standing there on bend.

“Oh no, no Jer don’t you dare panic-”

“Hhhhaaaaughhhh”

“Ok I don’t know what that was but-” Michael placed the cooler against the fire place and sat next to Jeremy, he opened it up and handed the sweaty boy a soda “just relax, ok? I won’t let you fall.”

Jeremy took a deep breath, grabbing the can and eyeing it strangely, “…you promise?”

“Dude hell yeah!” Jeremy sat next to him, “I’d sooner push myself off then let you fall!”

“Jesus Michael I’d rather you not, but thanks.”

“You can thank me by cracking open a cold one” Michael smirked and his can snapped open with a satisfying hiss.

“With the boys?” Jeremy followed suit, pulling his can open.

“With the boys!” Both of them held their cans up to the sky, the orange now a deep purple as the sun became a half circle to the horizon.

It was times like this that they were almost able to forget all the stress of the SQUIP incident. It had been a rough recovery, Michael and Jeremy had been working on mending the trust between them again. Jeremy was pretty much traumatized from the whole ordeal, he constantly saw and thought and heard and felt the SQUIP. He always feared it’d come back, but to be fair so did Michael. Jer might not know it but there was a single bottle of Mountain Dew red at the bottom of the cooler in case the SQUIP tried to push Michael off, or throw Jeremy off.

Michael was also generally in trouble emotion wise. He feared being abandoned again. He knew it was unhealthy and unfair to Jeremy but god he was just so afraid of what could happen. When Jeremy started dating Christine it was pretty bad, with every date he feared their friendship would be pushed behind. He’d only be second priority.

But nights like this? Sitting side by sit on the roof as the moon rose over the navy sky? It made both of them forget all that garbage. They made stupid jokes making fun of each other, talked about the newest game, slipped into holding hands, discussed new plans. It was the real meaning of peace. It was almost comforting to how they could both feel the other being nervous. Both hands were warm and sweaty, both flustered by holding their crushes hand.

“So uh…we really are a thing now, huh?” Jeremy said, now laying on the slant of the roof.

“Yeah. Seems so.”

“Aren’t we supposed to do, yknow, couple stuff.” Both of them ignored the pile of cans slipping off the roof, they simply rolled over to face each other.

Michael shrugged, “eh…probably”

“Hey what’s with the probably, I’m trying my best here you know!”

Michael laughed, “yeah…it’s pretty cute.”

“Why must you hate me.”

“Now who said I hated you.”

Jeremy stuck out his tongue and looked up at the stars. “I don’t know…little bird?”

“Hmm well-” Michael leaned forward and gave Jeremy a kiss on the lips. The other boy kissed back almost instantly. He wasn’t as awkward as Michael, almost like he had experience but Jeremy would have told him about that. Michael pulled away with a completely love struck look, his face red and his cheeks pushed up by his smile.

“Hmmm…” Jeremy hummed, a similar expression on his face, “so maybe that bird lied.”

“Haha maybe?”

“Maybe…maybe I need more evidence.”

“Oh come here you dumbass.”

The cooler ended up empty besides one single bottle of Mountain Dew red. Jeremy was laying on Michael’s chest after the two shared gentle kisses, never fully making out. They were relaxing now. They could do that another day. Michael’s glasses were barely hanging on his face, his face at peace with the world. His hand rubbed up and down Jeremy’s back, who settled further into his chest.

“You know…the SQUIP told me that most of these stars are actually just satellites”

“Hmm..really? That kinda sucks.” He pointed up, “even that one?”

“Yeah. Even that one.”

“What about that one?”

“That’s the moon, Michale”

“You’re the moon! The moon could be a satellite too man! You never know how the governments faking us out. What if it’s like a giant Death Star and we’re all just waiting to get obliterated without actually knowing!”

“I think that’s stupid.”

“It’s ok, not everyone recognizes genius…so anything else he told you about the stars?”

“Yeah..that constellation right there is Orion” They faded off into a gentle conversation, mostly Jeremy pointed out constellations and their stories while Michael made stupid comments.

But more importantly, it was the first time they mentioned the SQUIP without feeling dread or panic.

–

When Jeremy woke up to the uncomfortable feeling of sun against his eyelids he groaned. He really had to fix those damn blinds before he lost his mind. He pried his eyes open after a long battle of rubbing his fists against them, and yawned against the pillow he laid on.

Only to snap up in fear when he noticed that his ceiling was not there but that was in fact the sky. Jeremy had to keep his mouth from screaming as he looked around, Michael starting to stir at all the movement.“

"Oh shit I’m on the roof! Holy shit!!”

Michael sat up and groaned, eyes still closed. Holy shit he slept on Michale. “Dude what is your damage?”

“Holy shit we’re on the roof!!”

“What is your-”

“WE’RE ON THE ROOF”

“… OH MY GOD WE SLEPT ON THE ROOF”

Michael was now up on his feet, looking around for his mothers car and sighing in relief when he saw the drive way empty.

“Dude dude dude it’s fuckING 10 o clock!” Jeremy yelled.

“Ok. Ok calm down Jer-”

“We gotta clean up before you mom gets home!!”

“Jesus we slept on the roof”

The two of them scrambled to bring the cooler inside and pick up all the cans before his mom got home in an hour.

“Shit dude I wasn’t supposed to have any friends over.”

“Ugggh I know I know!”

There was the heart stopping sound of a car pulling into the drive way. Both Michael and Jeremy stared at each other in frozen fear, having a silent conversation with each other. Level 9? No no, level 10, solo route. They both nodded, Michael tugged Jeremy by the collar and gave him a kiss, before running to greet his mom.

He slid against the door frame, “hey Mami! Need any uh help? With stuff?”

“Ay no mijo I just want to relax, I’m so tired after that whole-” there was a loud crash from the kitchen.

“What was that?”

“NOTHING! I mean uh nothing! Nothing at all, you should go lay down I’ll make you food!”

His mom gave him an unsatisfied look, before heading for the kitchen. Luckily for Michael that noise was Jeremy jumping out the window and landing face first before dashing away, so the only mess was an open window.

She shut the window, then turned to Michael, who gulped in fear.

“You know it’s a bad idea to leave the window open mijo, the bugs are everywhere in the summer.”

“A-ah yes Mami…my bad.”

She started to make her way upstairs, Michael took out his phone to share the good news with his boyfriend, doing a little dance.

“Oh and Michael?”

“Yeah?”

“Didn’t I say no friends over?”

Shit.

[westfallingforchaol]

Salaam! I’ve started to think that I should just stop apologizing for disappearing for weeks on end because I feel guilty, and then I end up making promises I can never keep, and it becomes a vicious cycle. So, no more apologies. Just that school started, and it’s already kicking my ass. Also, my laptop broke down- I have no clue what happened. One day, it just up and decided to become stupid, and I couldn’t use it for about a week and a half. That happened. But I got it back this afternoon, so I thought I’d start off by doing a much-needed January wrap-up.

Even though I wasn’t blogging much, January was a pretty decent reading month for me. I read a total of 8 books, which is good since I wasn’t reading anything at all the past couple of months. Quality-wise, you probably know how I am by now… it goes up and down. For the most part, the books I read ranged from good to pretty good, and that’s honestly all I can ask, ha. I did read something awful though, but more on that later.

Personal

So… guess who I met? If you don’t follow me on Twitter, you might be unaware of this but I met Zayn a week or so ago. I love him to death- I think he’s both an incredible artist and an incredible human being. I was never a One Direction fan, but I distinctly remember thinking that Zayn was super attractive and had a unique voice; when he went solo, I really began to pay attention to him. Almost a year after his album release, I still listen to his songs almost every single day. I’ve binge-watched interviews and videos and stalked his social media, and he’s such a humble, grounded, adorable person.

Meeting him was incredible. He was so gracious and lovely; when I was taking a photo with him, my hand was shaking out of nerves so he reached out and steadied my phone. He was so kind to all his fans… and just in case you’re wondering, yes, he’s just as attractive in real life. :)

I also saw one of my favorite bands live! I’ve seen Kings of Leon live once before back in 2014, and they’re so incredible that I couldn’t possibly miss their 2017 tour. Protip: there are two things you need to do in your life:

See a rock concert in Madison Square Garden

See Kings of Leon on tour

I won’t pretend like I’ve seen a ton of concerts, but I’ve been to a few big rock ones, and there’s something that sets Kings of Leon apart from the rest. They make sure their fans get their money’s worth of performances. They performed 28 songs. One after the other with minimal pauses in between- so energizing, so rapid-fire but so, so good. If you like even just a couple of their songs, I’d highly recommend seeing them live. Despite not being my favorite band of all-time (that crown goes to Linkin Park) I still prefer their concerts over anybody else’s.

On Choosing a Different Path for Myself

Some of you might know this already, but I’m studying Applied Psychology at NYU. I just started the second semester of my junior year, which means I’ll be graduating in just over a year- which is insane just to think about. But I’ve decided that I want to switch…

Well, not really “switch” per se, but do something more advanced. Which is medicine! Surprise, surprise. When I went to Los Angeles over the winter break, I had a talk with a couple of my relatives, both of whom are psychiatrists. By talking to them and their constant affirmations that I was born to go into medicine, I started thinking. What do I want from my life? What do I want out of my career? And you might judge me for this, and I know this is probably why I’ve been sorted into Slytherin my entire life- I want to be successful. I want to be rich, lol, and I want to work for the money I earn. I want to travel. I want a good house, and a nice car. I want to be able to give my parents the chance to retire and sit back and relax while I am able to fulfill their needs. I want to buy stuff without looking at the price-tag, and I want to be able to give to causes that I support without compromising my day-to-day actions for lack of finances.

But that’s not just it. I wanted to become a psychologist so I could help South Asian youth who suffer from mental illnesses and are stigmatized and dehumanized. And I can do that. I can do that if I become a psychiatrist. I can do something good all while making a decent life for myself and my family. It’s going to take many extra years, particularly because I’ll have to take an extra year after my undergraduate to fulfill my pre-med requirements. But that’s a cost I’m willing to pay, you know? It was a scary decision to make. I wasn’t sure I could do it. I’m still not sure I have the brains to get into med school, but you know. I’ll go down with everything I’ve got. It’s honestly a little terrifying, but I’ve enrolled for the first class that’ll help me get there, and I’m ready.

But that’s all I’m going to ramble about. You came here for a reading wrap-up, so here it is!

Reading Wrap-Up

Everything Everything by Nicola Yoon | 1.5 stars | Review

This rating may come as a surprise to many, but I really disliked this book – not because the technical aspects were bad, but because the themes were so offensive that it didn’t sit well with me. I was enjoying it at first; the fun additions of notes and charts and illustrations added character, and I was interested in the character’s experience with her disability. But then the love interest was introduced, which made the book extremely insta-lovey, and that was also when the ableist themes came into play. This book was one big message of: you can’t be happy and you can’t have a normal love-life if you have a disability. Which is wrong on so many levels and completely downplays the experiences of so many. I explain it better in my review, so if you’re interested in learning more, check that out!

Goodreads | Amazon

If I Was Your Girl by Meredith Russo | 3.5 stars | Review

I had high hopes for this book, and for the most part, it did not disappoint. The main character was immediately likable, and you fully empathized with her desire to move on from a traumatic event and to fit in with a new group of people. My favorite aspect of the book was definitely her topsy-turvy relationship with her father; the nuance and complexity of their dynamic definitely added an extra layer to the otherwise happy book. I also thought that the romance was incredibly cute, even though I thought it was a little insta-lovey. Also, let’s talk about how little attention is given to great female friendships in YA- if you’re looking for a good female-friendship dynamic, check this book out. Trigger warning for transphobia, depression, suicide attempt and outing.

Goodreads | Amazon

Every Heart a Doorway by Seanan McGuire | 2.5 stars

I had very mixed feelings about this book; on one hand, I thought the world-building was incredible. Or rather, the potential for the world-building was incredible. Conceptually, the book was so strong, but I felt that a lot of the potential was wasted in execution. A ton of the world-building happens through dialogue rather than actual action. Which really bummed me out and kept me from enjoying the book. The characters fell flat for me too. I did, however, really enjoy the balance between whimsy and dark; I thought the plot was brilliant, and had it been carried out better, it would’ve definitely gotten a higher rating from me. Look out for my full review!

Goodreads | Amazon

Not If I See You First by Eric Lindstrom | 4 stars

This was perhaps my favorite book of the month, which was a surprise because I didn’t know what to expect when I went into it. I’ve only ever read one other book with a blind protagonist, and this one was completely different in tone from that one. I was wary at first because the protagonist is so bitter and mean and sarcastic, and I approached it with caution because it seemed to give off the vibe that she was that way because she lost her sight. But as the story progressed, as the main character developed and grew through relationships and interactions with the people around her, as she learned more about her past and her life and came to terms with her vulnerabilities, the beauty of the book came to light. It was truly a beautiful book, and another one with really amazing female friendships. Definitely a must-read! And look out for my review!

Goodreads | Amazon

The Young Elites & The Rose Society by Marie Lu | 3.5 stars each

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So, I know I’m late to the game, and I know everyone and their mother loves this series- and I understand why. Even though I didn’t give either book a great rating, I really enjoyed them both and am definitely looking forward to the finale. I think what makes this series stand out so starkly amongst its peers is the fact that it’s basically a villain’s coming-to-power story and then I’m guessing her subsequent downfall. I love the complexity of Adelina’s character; I enjoy how you empathize with her but also constantly criticize her choices because she’s going too far. I love the world-building, and the writing’s solid. I sometimes feel that the secondary characters feel flat, and also that Adelina’s still too likable to be called a villain. I want to see her pushed further so I can fully give her the label of villain, because I don’t think she’s there yet. Which was my main gripe with the second book. I won’t be doing an individual review for each book, but I’ll do a joint review for the trilogy!

Goodreads | Amazon

The Princess Saves Herself in This One by Amanda Lovelace (ARC) | 3.5 stars

I don’t read a ton of poetry, but I picked this one up because I’m mutuals with the author on Twitter, and it won an award, and it’s been getting a ton of hype. It’s basically word porn. I think a lot of the poems in this are incredibly relatable; it covers topics like mental health, body image, family dynamics, loss and death, abusive relationships, moving on, self-love, feminism and strength. A lot of the values I hold myself were reflected in this, and Lovelace definitely has a way with weaving words together so that they say a lot in very few characters. I enjoyed the first two parts of the book much, much more than the last one- which I felt was a little dragged and didn’t fit in with the tone of the other parts. But if you’re looking to get into poetry and aren’t sure where to start, check this out.

Goodreads | Amazon

Life in a Fishbowl (ARC) by Len Vlahos | 3 stars

Okay, so let me preface this by saying that the premise of this book is very misleading. The reality television aspect of it doesn’t come into play until well past the 30 or 40% mark- and believe it or not, I was really, really enjoying the book before the TV part was introduced. Definitely the strongest feature of the book is the writing. Vlahos is incredibly gifted; he’s clearly honed and polished his voice to perfection. It’s snarky, it’s intelligent, it’s satirical and hilarious and also surprisingly simple. Just reading his words made the experience delightful. His decision to tell the story from approximately eight perspectives was a gutsy move, but he pulled it off. The relationships, the themes were all spot on. It’s just that the storyline began to drag after the 60% mark, and the characters didn’t undergo any development, which I would have really liked to see. Even so, this was such a fun, fast-paced book, and I’d recommend it to anyone. Full review to come!

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So, I’ve talked a little already about how I basically failed at blogging this month- I’ve never been so far behind my reviews. Because blogging sucked so much, I’m not going to do a post-to-post wrap-up like I usually do. But I’ll just leave a link to the Diversity Bingo 2017 event that I, and a few other friends are hosting. It’s basically a year-long reading event where you need to read 36 books that fit into a bingo sheet, each fulfilling a facet of diversity. You can find more information (and my TBR) here.

I also compiled a list of the diverse books releasing between January and June of this year. I know that I could have really used a masterlist, and in compiling it, I introduced myself to so many awesome-sounding books. If you’d like to check it out (and share, if you can please!), you can do so right over here.

The last post I’ll feature is my top 10 books of 2016. If you’re interested in seeing what the standouts of last year were, you can check them out here.

Also, I’m making a massive change to the blog- something that I think is important for my sanity, ha. I’m getting a co-blogger! I’ve already spoken to someone about it; she’s a friend that I got to know over Twitter. She’s incredible- kind, open-minded, thoughtful and just super wonderful in general. I’m not going to announce who exactly it is just yet- we’ll do that together when she writes her introduction post and she can officially be integrated into the website. Which also means that a URL change is in order. I can’t have a co-blogger and keep it my name. I’ll purchase the bookshelvesandpaperbacks.com domain soon, so just a heads up!

What I’ve Been Watching and Listening To

So, y’all probably know by now that A Series of Unfortunate Events was released on Netflix, which I binge-watched and freaked out over. The books were such an integral part of my childhood, and it felt so wonderful to revisit the characters and the story. The show stays so true to the books- from the narration to the sets to the whimsical, weird, magical-realism-type tone, everything feels like home. The casting is spot-on. I love Neil Patrick Harris as Count Olaf, and it took me some time to warm up to the children, but I love them all dearly now. Go check the trailer out:

As for music, I’m going to be fully basic and just talk about Zayn a lot more, ha. I barely listened to anything except for his new track with Taylor Swift. I really don’t like her, guys. The fact that the song is the soundtrack for Fifty Shades Darker really doesn’t help, but come on, it’s Zayn. I had to give it a try- and I haven’t stopped listening to it since. I’ve often wanted a version where it was just him singing, and guess what- yesterday, he dropped an acoustic version where it’s just him and a guitar. It’s honestly heaven-sent, and even though it was released in February, I couldn’t go without including it here. Check it out- it almost seems like a completely different song, and I haven’t listened to the original since!

So that’s it for last month’s wrap-up. I know, I had a lot to talk about- it was a busy month and a lot was happening in life. Kudos to you if you made it this far into the post. Let me know in the comments below what your month was like? As always, thanks for stopping by and happy reading!

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Wrap Up | January ’17 Salaam! I've started to think that I should just stop apologizing for disappearing for weeks on end because I feel guilty, and then I end up making promises I can never keep, and it becomes a vicious cycle.