#this is how I keep myself from obsessing over the fact that we are 99.9% getting cabin fever labs lore next episode/s I am very not normal

[catocappuccino]

Hehe

[doctortwhohiddles]

Hello doctorwhohiddles, this is Mom Anon. I’ve decided to cut out the middle man like you suggested. I trust you won’t doxx me, I’ve seen you protesting against it. I’ll answer your questions. I’ll repeat them in bold, so you know which one I’m talking about. It will be a long submission but you have a lot of questions and I have long answers. My answers are in bold.

I will start this letter with one of my favorite quote from Ben. “There are people who believe that my wife is a P.R. stunt and my child is a P.R. stunt,” he says, unsure if he should even be bringing this up—he knows that there’s no arguing with conspiracy theorists. “I think really it’s to do with the idea that the ‘Internet’s boyfriend’ can’t actually belong to anyone else but the Internet. It’s impossible he belongs to anyone but me. And that’s what stalking is. That’s what obsessive, deluded, really scary behavior is.” Yes I know this quote. I’ve always thought (and said) that I think Ben thinks that the most ardent fans, that showed up everywhere, sent gifts and stalk his neighbourhood, are now the skeptics. But even then, what else Could he say? No one (not even skeptics) could expect him to say “yeah it is all a PR-stunt but hey, whatever keeps your name in the papers!” He was going to be asked about it sooner or later and this is the answer I would expect him to give. For someone who says she reads a lot, your reading comprehension seems lacking. From my perspective (and that of 99.9% of the fandom), he was denouncing the so called “skeptics”. He wasn’t ask directly if his family was a PR stunt, he was discussing toxic fans. And you guys definitely are.

Because a normal person knows that faking 3 kids in this day and age is impossible. Specially if you’re in the public eye. I think that especially in this day and age it is possibke to fake a pregnancy with the modern prosthetics and make up techniques. Yeah, but what about after? You can’t fake kids for this long without anyone getting suspicious. So far, the only people who are is a small bunch of bitter women on Tumblr. You know the signer Adele? She forgot to register the birth of her son and it made the news. There is no way Ben could get away with faking kids.

Now think about it for a second, how could someone wear a fake baby bump to numerous public events with a ton of journalists attending and no one notices? How is that even possible? You have kids, you know very well that pregnancies vary from woman to woman. And yet here you are, denying that Sophie was ever pregnant. Why? Honestly, I really want to know. What could possibly drive an adult woman, a mother of three at that, to start denying reality that bad? Is it because you can’t accept that Ben doesn’t belong to you? Is it because you need to pass your unhappiness unto him? I really would like an answer. And no, your skeptical archives don’t count. In fact all they do is prove my point.

I doubt our archive proves your point however, I’ll keep it to pics etc that the nonskeptics have also seen and posted. There is a pic of the second pregnancy where you can actually see the straps of the prosthetic. Then: journalists only see them for like two minutes and then they walk on. The journo’s are snapping away hoping for a good picture so they probably don’t even look closely at them. As for pregnancies: yes they differ per woman and even per pregnancy but it is just not possible for a woman to get on a plan looking seven months pregnant and get off the plane looking two months pregnant. It has been put down to dehydration but that is nonsense, the baby would have died if that had happened in such an amount. She has a low belly on her honeymoon and two months later it is really high? Not possible. The moving and even doubling belly button in the Oscar pics? Not possible. And there are many more examples that have convinced me she was never pregnant. I know you look upon it differently but that is how I feel. As for Ben, I never felt he belonged to me and I am perfectly happy thank you so if I could transfer that to him, he wouldn’t have looked so miserable in so many pictures. But that is another discussion altogether.

It seems we’re going to have to explain the concept of perspective to you guys again. The pap picture of Sophie in a bikini was taken with a telescopic lens and from profile. The one in at the airport are taken from up close, from the front, with Sophie wearing a loose skirt. That’s why her bump looks smaller. Again, the tabloids would have picked up on it if there was something wrong. Also, there are numerous pictures of the both of them looking happy and in love. You just chose to ignore those pictures and concentrate only on the ones you think fits your narrative. As for the belly button, it changes with the bump and the baby’s position. My cousin’s belly button went all over the place during her pregnancy.

Now, why I am spending time reading haters blog, there’s three reasons. The first one is that your lack of logic and butthurt makes me laugh. Lord knows people need to laugh now days. The second of all is fascination. You see, I can’t for the life of me understand why grown women act the way you do. I really can’t. As for the third reason, it’s because I was raised to denounce bullies, not be one. I sincerely hope you are raising your kids to do the same. But judging by your behavior, I can see it’s probably not the case. If anyone were making fun of your children the way you make fun of Ben’s, you’d rip their throats off, with good reason. And yet, you act like a bully towards three young children simply because you’re mad their dad got married without asking you first. Your first reason is also why I read your blogs: trying to find out what you see that I obviously don’t and for a laugh: you are as good at predicting what we are going to say as we know what you are going to say and I don’t mind a laugh at my own expense. Happy to make you laugh. The fact that we can predict exactly what you’re going to say isn’t looking good for you. After 4 years, you guys could at least make the effort to come up with something remotely credible. That also covers the second reason. As for your third reason: I raise my kids not to be bullies but to use their own minds and have their own opinions. And allow others the same without getting mad or insulting about it. What you guys are doing is not having an opinion. Calling someone a whore, a criminal and a fraud is bullying. So is referring to young children as “pillows”. Saying you don’t like what Sophie is wearing is an opinion. Refusing to even call her by her name is also bullying. You’re an adult, how can you not see the difference?  And if someone thinks my kids are not real and refers to them as pillows, that is their business, I would shrug my shoulders. Really? I find this hard to believe. And if it makes anyone happy: the kids I have seen with Ben have always been cuties and looked sweet. I’ve always said so. That doesn’t change the fact that I don’t think they are his. Have you seen the same pictures as me? Because they both look exactly like him. But then again, I don’t wear hate goggles. As soon as anything happens that convinced me that the kids are real, I’ll start calling them by their names. At this point, I’m fairly certain you’ll never admit you were wrong. Ben could come to your house with family in tow, and you’d still deny they’re real. As for Ben getting married without my permission, no one needs my permission to get married so there is no need to ask. Feel free to do so but there is no need. And yet somehow, you fell the need to deny the existence of the family he wanted for so long. If you decided that something was wrong because of red lines painted on pictures, then you’re either incredibly gullible or jealous.

I know you’re going to say it doesn’t count because there is no children, but answer me this: why do fake children have birth certificates? Because faking them is damn near impossible. Some say there are certificates, some say there aren’t. I haven’t checked myself. I don’t know how hard it is to report a birth when there hasn’t been one or if that even happened. I’ll leave that to the wilder theorists out there. There are people who live in England who describe what it takes to register the birth of your child. People, who unlike Gator and Anna, knows what they’re talking about. Apparently, you’d need to bribe at least 70 persons to fake a birth certificate. Imagine doing this 3 times over. Gator has seen the certificate for Kit. Of course, she declared it fake and made up sources to confirm her lies.

So to resume this letter, if you want me to stop calling out your shitty behavior, then stop acting like a bitch towards complete strangers who have never done anything to you. It will also have the added bonus of making your life better. Thanks for the advice. But then, why are you so fanatical about strangers you have never met? Not to mention the things you call the skeptics whom you have also never met and who discuss people you have never met. The difference is that I call out people based of actual evidence, not based on jealousy or entitlement. As I said, bullies need to be called out, and you are one.

I’ll relay your message to Anna. I hope I have answered all your questions. I think we have to agree to disagree. I think it’s very clear that you’ve chosen to keep denying the facts. Honestly, have you ever wondered how a story like the one you’ve made up could be kept out of the news? One the septics sent their “evidence” to the National Enquirer and was turned down. Given how many people you’d have to involve in a conspiracy like this, it’s impossible no one would have talked by now. Your narrative has plot holes the size of a dinosaur, but somehow, you seem to ignore them completely.

Sincerely,

Mom Anon Thank you for answering me and not be mean or insulting. I wish I could say that all of your fellow haters were the same. I hope that one day you’ll come to your senses.

[old-long-john]

Hey Laura would you be willing to talk more about those John Silver gender feels?

Sure. Thismight be a bit disjointed and weird, because I’m not sure I fully understandthem, but I’ll try to lay them out in some kind of coherent way. Also, if thisall spells out something blatantly obvious to anyone then I guess I don’t mindif you say so, because various words and labels do float around my brain fromtime to time, but I’m not about to undertake any huge personal re-evaluationsor re-labelling or whatever else, because I just don’t have the energy forthat. So yeah. Although it’s entirely possible this is all a huge mess ofnothing that’s any different to anyone else, which would be vaguely embarrassing.

This stuff isby no means limited to John Silver/Luke Arnold, or even ever present with him,but I think partly because of the way I’ve projected onto Silver a huge amount andnow largely write and think about fanfic (and the show) from his viewpoint,these sorts of feelings have slipped into the mix as well. So sorry if thisgoes off on tangents that weren’t what you wanted to know at all, but the moreI think about it, the more I remember things that tie in and ways in which thisreally isn’t about him specifically. I’m gonna put most of this under a cut,just because it’s quite long and personal and I’m not sure how I feel aboutputting it right out there on people’s dashes.

Basically,all of that classic wlw stuff where it’s sometimes difficult to distinguishbetween girls you’re attracted to and girls you want to look like or be like, Ialso experience quite a lot with men, and he’s one of them. I have it even morestrongly with people who are a certain type of androgynous, which is probablygetting straight to the heart of the matter really. There’s a certain look that Silver/Lukeoften has that falls right into the type that messes me up: (big) long hair,facial hair, reasonably muscular arms and legs, and a masculine-but-soft-ish,grungy kind of style.

The waySilver looks mid-S2 is probably the most intense instigator of these feelingsfor me (though any time his hair is down in S4 I get it badly too.) It’sattractive, but it’s also in a lot of ways what I want for myself; thebit of face scruff, the toned, veiny forearms, the wide shoulders, the narrow waist under the big belt, and themuscular thighs. He moves in a masculine way too, and he has that deep voice,and I like those things in the same confusing mixture of ways.  

I’ve dressedin a pretty masculine way for a long time, but I’m always kind of disappointedthat my frame doesn’t pull off the look the way I want it to. I almost always wearmen’s hoodies, tank top style tops, sports bras, close fitting dark jeans, belts,and converse or boots. That’s my look. But I want to be taller and harder andmore angular. I want to be stronger. Most of the time I don’t like being softwith round edges, but I do like that I’m naturally quite muscular underneath it.I don’t hate having boobs, but I don’t particularly love them either. I wish Icould take them off for 99.9% of the time and maybe just put them on forspecial occasions. I’m just glad they’re not bigger. I don’t exactly dislike being awoman, but I feel deeplyuncomfortable when I think I look too performatively feminine, like I’m goingto be ‘found out’ as a fraud or people will assume I’m something I’m not. I don’teven know where to start with the fact that I enjoy manual labour partiallybecause I like how it makes my hands rough and calloused and cut up, and itgets dirt so embedded around my nails that it doesn’t come out for days. I’mcareless with my hands when I’m on an excavation (I’m anarchaeologist in theory) because I want them to look more masculine and be less soft.

Tbh, for along time I’ve had a slight obsession with wondering what I’d be like if I wasa man. If literally everything was the same, except I got the Y chromosome frommy dad instead of another X. What would I look like? How would I present myself?What looks could I pull off? Would my personality be the same? Would I fancythe same people? Would I be ignoring confusing ‘do I want to be or be with’feelings about women? And if we lived in a world where it was possible tochange your sex or just your appearance back and forth at will, I thinkI’d spend a lot of time either as a man or at least as an androgynous,masculine looking woman. But not all the time. And that’s kind of the most confusingpart. I regularly wear mascara and eyeliner, I sometimes wear lipstick, and I keepmy nails pretty long when I’m not digging (which is most of the time). Thereare multiple ways I often like to look and feel feminine. It’s such a mixed upmess that it’s hard to pull apart. Honestly, that photo of Ezra Miller with hishair piled up and his adorable patchy beard and with lipstick on too is somehowgoals. But without the dress.

I thinkSilver really plays into all this because he both embodies a lot of the ways Iwant to look, and he also looks some of the ways I already do look. I think wehave a fairly similar face shape, and similar eyes, and somewhat similar hair (mine’sfar less curly, but it’s big and unruly and about the same colour when it’s notdyed), and he’s also fairly short and muscular in that maybe attainable kind ofway that someone like Jason Momoa (who I get it with a little) is not. I think actually, subconsciously, hereally fits into my brain’s ideas of best version male me, and I find it verycomfortable and kind of a release to put myself inside him when I write fics.It’s like playing dress up with a different imaginary body, with all thedetails filled in for me, and a conveniently familiar personality through whichI can express myself in different ways.

On top of allthat, while my memory can be pretty spotty for short term things, my long termmemory is actually very good. So I remember vividly the way I felt about developingfacial hair and a little happy trail when I was going through puberty, before I internalised all that societal bullshit aboutwhat women are supposed to look like. I liked both of them. I liked happytrails on men, and so I liked how it looked on me, because I didn’t really knowyet that I wasn’t ‘supposed’ to have it. The older I get, the hairier I get,and I’m torn between hating it because I’m meant to be a woman and I don’t look‘right’, and feeling weirdly validated by it because it’s like my body wants tobe more masculine too.

I’m not sure whether I’m making the best job of explaining this, but it’s because I’ve spent along time kind of glancing at these feelings and just accepting that they’rethere without actually looking harder at what they all mean when I put themtogether. I’ve also not bothered delving too far into what kind of tumblr-esquelabels exist that could encompass it all, because I’m worried if I settle onsome kind of label for what it is (if it is anything at all beyond ‘you’re justtomboyish, dude, get a grip’) then it’ll only become another thing that the mirror doesn’treflect and my dissatisfaction over the way I look will have new specific and excitingbranches to explore. It’s not just that I don’t look a certain way, it’s alsothat I can’t make myself look very different in any direction. The way I lookisn’t flexible. I always just look like a short, chubby woman. My face alwaysjust looks like my face, only sometimes the lips are a different colour or myeyelashes look longer. I still hope my face will get more angular as I getolder, but it’s not like I’m a kid anymore. I’m almost 30. If I had a beardthough, I’d treat that thing like a god damn etch-a-sketch. I could change myface drastically on a whim. Which is maybe why I’m kind of overly fascinated bythe way Silver’s look shifted so significantly throughout the series.

I’m probablyforgetting obvious stuff, and I’m omitting some other stuff, but Ithink that covers a lot of it. Hopefully it makes some kind of sense. This isprobably a lot more than what you were really asking about, but Silver isessentially just the latest focus (and avatar, really) in a long line of thingsthat fall into this pattern.