#this is what the fucking puritans did to the American collective unconscious

[heavywithfire]

I truly will never understand people’s disconnect with the idea that Bad People can make Great Art.

[too-cool-for-facebook]

I guess what I’m most afraid of is suffering.

I’ve always wondered what form a boggart would take if I ever encountered one. But I could never think of anything because I’ve always been unsure of what it is I am truly afraid of. And after much thought, I’ve come to the conclusion that what I fear the most - is suffering itself.

What would the boggart even look like?

I don’t want to suffer, in any way, shape, or form. If given the opportunity, I avoid it like the plague. 

I’m afraid to be thankful for things lest some demon hear me and say, “Oh! This is what makes her happy! Quick! Let’s steal it away and make her miserable!”

But I’m afraid if I’m not thankful, God will say, “Oh! How dare you be ungrateful for the things I have given you. Perhaps I’ll just take them away!” (Like that daycare teacher who took away my orange Tootsie Pop, but that’s another story...)

I don’t want to suffer. I just want to lay in my bed where it’s warm and soft and be left alone.

But at any moment, everything I have could be stripped away in the blink of an eye. I’m afraid to get attached to anything (or anyone) because I know it won’t last, so why get attached in the first place? But it makes it hard to enjoy the here-and-now when you’re constantly ruminating on losing everything. It’s like why bother being happy when you’re just gonna wind up sad anyway?

That in itself is its own kind of suffering - a self-inflicted one no doubt. So why not try to be happy? Well because I feel like anything I do that makes me happy is an affront to God. If it makes you happy, it is sinful and therefore you should be ashamed! (Puritan upbringing at its finest 👌 ). 

So I feel like I’m not allowed to enjoy anything in this material world because the material world is pure sin. So for years, I’ve been trying to get in touch with the immaterial - the spirit world, the great beyond, the collective unconscious, the higher power, whatever you want to call it.

I’ve studied so many religions, so many philosophies, so many paths - and it’s all just become a huge confusing jumble in my brain

But regardless of what I’ve learned, I keep wrapping back around to Christianity. Why? Because it’s the “One True Religion,” or so it’s been ingrained into my psyche to believe

Because again, we’re back to the, “I don’t want to suffer” part. If God is the one true god and Christianity is the one true religion, and I don’t follow it, that means suffering - for all eternity

I’m afraid that anything I do on this green earth is going to result in me going to Hell, where I will suffer for eternity.

And/or just as bad - a major catastrophe will befall me whilst I am living, and make my life a living hell. Is it just the pure chaotic randomness of the universe? Is it God punishing me for something I’ve done? Is it the Devil doing it to me to make me lose faith in God?

What about all these conversations I’ve had over the years with God and Jesus? Was I really being spoken to by God and Jesus? Or were these demons disguised as God and Jesus trying to misguide me? Or am I being heretical by even considering such a thing as possible and will suffer the consequences for having lack of faith?? Even if it is a demon, do I just have to believe it’s God/Jesus and hope for the best? But if I’m falsely led, isn’t that grounds for soul-termination???

And for that matter - why does God allow suffering to exist in the first place?? And don’t give me that smarmy line about, “But if we didn’t know sadness, we would never appreciate happiness! :)” No! That’s bull-loney! Suffering never should have existed in the first place!

“Oh well it’s because Adam and Eve brought it on themselves.” Yeah? Well who put the Tree there, huh? Who knows everything and has everything planned out and KNEW the humans would eat the Fruit, huh? HUH?! If He knew the humans were gonna eat it, why did He put it there in the first fucking place??? Because it was in His plan for us to suffer??? Does He like that? Why else would He do it???

“Oh, it’s because Satan is the ruler of this world” / “The Devil made Eve do it.” Yeah? Well who made the Devil?

Why did He make the Devil?? To misguide us? Why? Why would He want us to stray from Him, and then spend all His time trying to get us to come back to Him, only to get pissed off if we continue to stray?

“Oh well He gave us free will”

THEN WHY DOES HE GET PISSED WHEN WE ACT ON THAT FREE WILL?

If we’re not allowed to do whatever we want, then why is that an option in the first place?

But I’m getting offtrack...

Okay, so let’s bring this around to a different but similar tangent -

As I’ve said before, I’m not with Jesus because I love him, but because I’m afraid of God. My fear of suffering is the only thing keeping me tied to God, and if that doesn’t sound like an abusive relationship, I don’t know what does.

I only stay with Jesus because I’m hedging my bets. If it turns out I’m wrong about life and the Universe and I absolutely and royally fuck up, I know Jesus will forgive me.

All I want is freedom from suffering. Isn’t that Heaven? But you don’t get into Heaven by disobeying God at every turn. “Well that’s easy - just obey God.” Okay but like, why? I tried reading the Bible and got pissed off at the way God was treating humans, like? We’re dumbass little apes, bro, yet you hold us to the standard of angels. It’s entirely unfair.

And if you think it’s just the Old Testament, I decided to skip straight to the New Testament and still got pissed off - this time at what Jesus, who I never get mad at, because of what he was saying about divorce:

Like? Divorce is really complicated. And a lot of times, it’s a GOOD thing, statistically-speaking. (I wanted to embed a video, but Tumblr’s being a dickbag and won’t add it, so here’s the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HKgZf-m_PjE)

So how can I follow the Laws of God when there’s so much I disagree with? I’m American - I was taught that if there’s something you don’t like about your governing body, you protest it

But you CAN’T protest against God - it’s a smoting offense. If you have a different opinion, to Hell with you! - literally!

Or there’s the other take, and I honestly don’t know which is worse - you can bitch and moan and protest and demand change all you want - and God won’t do a damn thing about it. The Laws are set and His word is final. You have no say. What you think doesn’t matter. Nothing you do matters. It just does not matter.

I just -

I don’t know whether to be:

or be:

I feel like there’s a lot more I want to express but just don’t know how. I’m rambling anyway.

tl:dr: I’m afraid of suffering and I’m afraid that no matter what I do, I’m going to end up suffering, possibly for all eternity