#this might be a dailyish thing

[sickiebangtan]

♡  hobi repeating a mantra in his head every time he has to get on another damn rollercoaster. hold it in, just hold it in--keep it down--at least until we finish recording. he must really love these boys, otherwise he’d just tell them hell no and sit his bottom down. 

♡  the first coaster sends his stomach in his throat with the first steep drop. this is why he hates these things. how can a human voluntarily put themselves through this? it’s a real fight and an honest miracle that he doesn’t vomit as he’s jerked left and right and pulled up and dropped down. unfortunately, he’s sure the staff member filming right next to him has caught the nausea plastered all over his face the whole time, the hard swallows and all. but the adrenaline distracts his nausea enough to keep his breakfast in his stomach where it belongs, for the time being. 

♡  hobi standing by the railing to wait for the others, looking like his soul has left him, a lot paler and unsteady on his usually light dancer feet. the other members are too wrapped up in the excitement of the next ride as they skip down the ramp, passing hobi with a clap on his back, but taehyung loops an arm around his neck and walks more his pace. hobi pats tae’s hand and tries to make it comical that he has to sit down and take a breather when really he’s praying a moment at the nearby bench will stop his world from spinning for a second. 

♡  “you don’t have to do it, hope-ah,” yoongi mutters in his ear while they wait in line for the next one. getting the ‘okay’ from yoongi is like getting the decision from the law itself. he’s concerned. he can practically hear hoseok’s mind willing himself to ignore his motion sickness, and it isn’t working, clearly. he hasn’t quite recovered from the first ride and yoongi honestly would like for hoseok not to give into the peer pressure this time around. he rubs at the back of his dongsaeng’s neck and hoseok closes his eyes, leans back against the pressure of yoongi’s fingers. “you braved your first coaster. i won’t call you a coward anymore. just sit this one out.” he says softly. but hoseok just shakes his head. he’s sat out one too many times in the past. he thinks how his actions of pushing along can inspire his fans. he gives yoongi a smile even though he’s still green in the face. “i’m fine, really.” 

♡  hoseok being particularly stubborn each time the others suggest he stay behind as they reach the queue for the next thrilling ride. his stomach is starting to gurgle audibly in a defiant state of upset, but he’s saddled himself up into 3 more rides before namjoon suggests they go find a place to eat lunch. really, he’s just looking for a reason to get hobi to rest for a while longer than ten minutes. 

♡  hobi sipping on water and trying not to gag as taehyung’s pretzel and cheese dipping sauce keeps wafting up his nostrils. jimin rubbing his back and telling him it’s okay to admit the rides are making him sick. hoseok wearily waving him off and blowing out a shaky exhale. “don’t worry about me,” his voice is thin behind his fist. the day at the theme park is almost over. he can do this. 

♡  the gentlest ride sends him over the edge. the boys had chosen it for their last one for the day, one that was more hoseok’s speed, but hoseok ends up begging for someone to stop the ride before he’s scrambling out of the contraption to heave violently over the railing. the cameras have been thankfully put away for the day. 

♡  jungkook holding hoseok still as his stomach squeezes acid and breakfast over some bushes below, because he’s so freaking dizzy. he’s been dizzy for hours, and his body’s loudly protesting through long-winded retches and vile gurgles up his throat. jin, namjoon, and yoongi shield the scene with their bodies, surrounding hoseok and jungkook while jimin and taehyung go get water bottles and paper towels to help clean hobi up. it’s horrible and embarrassing for this to be happening in public, but at least his members are worried for him, not laughing at him. he should know better--his brothers will always have his back. 

[luxe-pauvre]

The appeal behind much productivity advice, I think, is the bewitching idea that there might be a technique or set of techniques that would force accomplishment to occur, making it automatic and inevitable. But there isn't – and in any case the yearning for such techniques usually arises from some buried insecurity or other psychological agenda. Maybe you don't know how to do the work in question, and you're hoping relentless effort might serve as a substitute for that knowledge. Maybe you don't really want to do it at all, but just think you ought to want to do it, so you're using "productivity" to try to force the missing desire into being. Or perhaps you think you need a flawless record of achievement in order to justify your existence on the planet – and if the stakes are that high, clearly you can't afford to put a foot wrong. "Dailyish", on the other hand? I'm not sure I quite have the words for this, but something about "dailyish" shifts the focus away from your particular smorgasbord of psychological problems back to the thing itself – to the creation you're seeking to bring into existence, whether that's a piece of writing or work of art, a happy family, healthier body, meditation habit, or anything else. It's a reminder that in some fundamental way, real productivity – provided you're working on something worth producing to begin with – isn't about you. It's about what's being produced. […] So, yes, holding yourself to a more flexible standard, such as "dailyish", is more forgiving than the alternative. But it's not solely a matter of being kinder to yourself. Crucially, it's also about getting you – with all your weird hang-ups and neuroses and ulterior agendas and other psychological nonsense – out of accomplishment's way.

Oliver Burkeman, Dailyish

[ladyyatexel]

dailyish reISH report:

got some Shit Done dammit

I got something going on that feels a lot like the reflections in reSWAN in that it was a large and critical part of the the rewrite that is conspicuously and bafflingly absent from the original.  Kinda psyched about that.  Hope I will not be mad at myself for it later.   

I really did do all kinds of little things today, but I felt like I had done nothing at all until I got some of this done.  I think bigger pieces are finally happening here and like going forward is something I can do with more confidence every time I go in.  Might actually be able to do this, haha

Here’s some snips and clips, because I always like doing that.   I hope you enjoy seeing them.  They’re funsize, but hopefully not in the frustrating Halloween candy kind of way. 

“I’m not going to die,” Johnny said, with no proof of that whatsoever.

**

Familiarly cheesy spooky music began playing from Jimmy’s hip. 

“Oh, hang on,” he said.  “That’s Dib.”

“You set it to play the ‘Mysterious Mysteries’ song when he calls?” Devi asked. 

Jimmy looked slightly helplessly between her and the tablet.  “I mean… what else would I use for him?”

**

“Try to relax a little, okay?”

“I’ve never relaxed in my whole lives, how dare you.”

**

“You didn’t think I was going to force this on you, did you?”

Edgar held his take out carton in his lap, hands wrapped around it like a comforting mug.  “I’m not sure.”

Johnny held a greasy wax bag of free egg rolls in one hand and suddenly had few hopes for this being the blissful recreation he’d planned.  It was difficult to know what to say.  Was this on him or Edgar?

“Do you think I’m that bad?”

“I just think you really want what you want.  And this all -” He gestured to the bag and cartons between them, “happened differently for both of us.”

“I wouldn’t hurt you, though.”

“No,” Edgar said, smiling softly while gazing into his takeout carton, “not on purpose.”

**

“I’m okay,” Johnny said.  “I think Edgar just shattered all the bones in my arm, but I’m okay.”

[ettadunham]

A Buffy rewatch 6x20 Villains

aka if murder is so wrong why does it feel so right

Welcome to this dailyish (weekly? bi-weekly?) text post series where I will rewatch an episode of Buffy and go on an impromptu rant about it for an hour. Is it about one hyperspecific thing or twenty observations? 10 or 3k words? You don’t know! I don’t know!!! In this house we don’t know things.

And in today’s episode the final Big Bad of the season is revealed, and Dawn and I are on the same page about murder.

You know, I think I managed to desensitize myself for season 6 in advance, but Villains is really setting me up to cheer for some murder, and it’s hard to resist. Not that I want to resist.

There really aren’t many characters more hateable than Warren in television. And that got me thinking about him, what he represents, and how that’s portrayed on the show.

Warren is not a foreign concept of a character or person for anyone who’s been aware of the internet in the last 10 years. It feels sometimes like our world is just full of Warrens, who are then indoctrinating more and more insecure dudebros into the mysteries of hating women, and blaming minorities for all of their problems.

But twenty years ago these communities haven’t had their current platforms yet, and nerds were mostly just made fun of in general. As a result, I find it kind of fascinating how Buffy put its finger on the pulse on a now much discussed subset of people, and let the Trio’s actions be truly vile and dangerous while portraying them as pathetic misogynists.

The latter might take away some of the power of these fantasies, while the acts of murder and attempted rape show the real dangers and consequences of not taking their threat seriously. And part of that feels counter-intuitive, after all, being taken seriously is what these guys want… so maybe it’s good that this portrayal is a combination of the two? I don’t know, guys, I don’t know how to fix society.

I’m also starting to come around to Jonathan and Andrew in this context. Because if we truly want to be able to improve society, we have to allow people to change and grow.

But also, make sure that their actions have consequences on them. Like, say… by murdering Warren?

XANDER:  “Warren’s a dead man if she finds him.” DAWN:  “Good.” BUFFY:  “Dawn, don’t say that.” DAWN:  “Why not? I’d do it myself if I could.” BUFFY:  “Because you don’t really feel that way.” DAWN:  “Yes I do. And you should too. He killed Tara, and he nearly killed you. He needs to pay.”

Hey, remember when I said that there’s a straight line you could track through Giles, Willow and Dawn?

I love a good lineage of murder nerds.

This is also a good time to remind you all that Dawn stayed with Tara’s body all day. Alone. Because she didn’t want to leave her. It’s fucking fine.

Xander passively agrees with Dawn, but his comments don’t go nearly as hard as her “I’d do it myself if I could”. Me and Dawn really are on the same page.

Buffy of course has a counter-argument. (While somehow having perfect hair??? Tara just died, Buffy, I can’t deal with your magically-perfect-in-a-crisis hair right now.) She argues that they should stop Willow for her own sake, and because they don’t kill humans or whatever. And because they don’t and shouldn’t have power over some things.

BUFFY:  “We can’t control the universe. If we were supposed to, then the magic wouldn’t change Willow the way it does. And we’d be able to bring Tara back.”

Okay, some of that is weirdly deterministic, like, “if we were supposed to have the power to bring Tara back then we’d have the power to bring her back”, but the line before is kind of interesting. Especially if you replace what magic really means in this context.

“We can’t control the universe. If we were supposed to, then having so much power wouldn’t change Willow the way it does.”

So, ultimate power corrupts? But isn’t that weird coming from Buffy, the most powerful person in the room?

Well, yes and no. Buffy’s story is more in line with the comic book-y “with great power comes great responsibility” mindset, so more often than not, she’s the one limiting her own reach. She’s the one holding herself responsible.

Which usually doesn’t apply in the real world. If people with power aren’t held responsible, then they won’t do so to themselves… But Buffy’s power is unique in it that she’s the only one able to fight the demons in her own universe. Therefore, she has a moral obligation to take that responsibility. Because if she doesn’t, no one else could, as she can’t transfer that power onto someone else.

(That’s why the season 7 finale is such a cool thematic end for the show!!!! But I’m getting ahead of myself.)

Willow meanwhile doesn’t give a shit about all that. She’s running on pure fury. And she’s not coming back.

How could she though? Coming back would just mean feeling all the pain, and fuck that. That’s why Warren’s line about how killing him would mean losing her friends only strengthens her resolve. This is her point of no return, and she’s ready to cross it and burn all her bridges.

She’d rather see the whole world burn than be left alone with the pain.

And Anya with her newly re-acquired vengeance demon powers can sense that. When I wrote about Triangle, I said that that episode helped Anya and Willow tolerate each other more, but they never really became close… Which actually isn’t true.

Upon this rewatch, I’ve come to the conclusion that Anya and Willow do manage to form a pretty solid friendship following Triangle. Just look at that picture of the two of them in Buffy’s room for instance.

Ever since D’Hoffryn tried to recruit Willow as a vengeance demon, it became painfully obvious that there are plenty of ways Anya and Willow could find to relate. And eventually, they’ve figured that out themselves.

So in this episode, when Anya says that she’ll help Xander and Buffy find Willow, but that she’s doing it for Willow? That’s some good shit.

They arrive late of course. Willow already got bored with torturing Warren, and is ready to direct her fury at her next target.

One down…

[conversationscripts]

i have a really good friend that is currently living in another city but she still owns a house here. when she comes visit she ALWAYS want to sleep at my place, but that gets me incredibly anxious and uncomfortable and i can't enjoy it at all because she talks a lot and that consumes a lot of energy from me (but i love her, don't get me wrong). how could i decline having her over/say i would prefer to hang out somewhere else without she being offended? thank you SO much!!!

Hi! Thanks for asking! So, I think honesty is best here. It seems like she is close enough to you that she would understand if you told her that this situation makes you anxious. Next time she asks try saying something along these lines; 

Her: Since I’m in town next week is it okay if I stay with you?

You: Well, you know I love spending time with you, but i would prefer if we visit elsewhere this time. I really enjoy your company but long stays make me very anxious. I would prefer to visit with you without having to worry about that anxiety, it can really get in the way. Can we maybe *suggest alternative meeting/activity* instead?

Her: Of course, I never meant for you to be uncomfortable. We can hang out in other ways!

That's about it. Also I would suggest having a similar alternative to staying over. Try and match the level if you get what I’m saying. Like don’t go from extended house stay to I’ll meet you once for coffee on tuesday. It might come across as you trying to drift away from the friendship. Try and maintain the same level of intimacy and closeness you usually share. 

So, for the first time you ask her to stay elsewhere try and find a similar way to connect, something dailyish, so you don’t come across as pulling away. You’re just changing the specifics not the overall friendship. 

Maybe workout together in the mornings (if you are able), or make breakfast at one of your houses. Have her sleep over (maybe you can at her house?) one night instead of the whole time. That sort of thing. Just continue to show her you still care about your friendship the same amount and that it's nothing personal against her regardless of where you’d like to sleep. I think she will take it well. Good luck! I hope you have fun!

[kayrswriter]

The Dailyish Blog - June 13, 2017

Guess who’s been writing all of this morning? :D This guy! AND I AM LOVING IT!

The idea was sparked from a sentence I concocted while in the shower. I really liked it so I had to write it down. An hour later and I’m currently on chapter two, sitting at 3,403 words! DUUUUUDE! You’ve now idea how pumped I am about this!

I’m not entirely sure of the premise or plot, but I’ve got a character in a creepy situation and am loving it. I’m also using some ideas from the words of wisdom of YouTubers and their suggestions on what makes a good “creepypasta”. This story is likely not going to be a creepypasta, but I liked the suggestions that came from the video, so I might be dabbling in a few of them. :D

Here’s a snippet from the first chapter for your enjoyment:

   I could not move. My mind screamed at the need to flee back to my safe spot, but my body did not want to budge. If I turned, the thought crept back up into my head, what if the thing around the corner wasn't around the corner any more?    I was frozen in terror at the idea. A monster behind me, a monster around the corner.    I needed a light. I needed somebody. I needed something to pull me out of this horrifying place.    I wasn't afraid of the dark, just the monsters that lurked in them.

[jadorejujuetfifi]

It's funny when you start a dailyish video blog or "vlog" you start to see certain themes in your life that you didn't realize were a "thing" in your family! For us, one of those things is one of us every week or so getting a trim with the family hair scissors ✂️ I have yet to take my kids to a barber even though I sometimes sit and see all the uneven spots in their hair! Our latest vlog shows how I give my daughter Juju her signature little pageboy bob. It's fun and cute and captures their little personalities in a way I know I'll forever treasure! Before you take yourself or your kids to your next hair appointment you might check out our vlog to see how doable it really is!! And, if I can encourage you to do anything it's to turn the camera on yourself and capture these little moments on film. You don't have to share them but I know that someday you'll be happy you did 😜!

[ettadunham]

A Buffy rewatch 6x04 Flooded

aka doubling down and not paying rent

Welcome to this dailyish text post series where I will rewatch an episode of Buffy and go on an impromptu rant about it for an hour. Is it about one hyperspecific thing or twenty observations? 10 or 3k words? You don’t know! I don’t know!!! In this house we don’t know things.

And today’s lukewarm take is that Willow and Tara should be paying rent, and Anya has a point. About everything.

(Okay, so I think that the Save draft button is actually broken on this website? Luckily I only got into a few paragraphs this time around, but I can’t believe that I’ll need to write out these posts in Word now. What’s next? Spellchecking? Proofreading? Planning and thought? Give me a break.)

Flooded among many other things is the first appearance of the Trio, our supposed Big Bad of the season, and… can I just say… I hate them so fucking much. Like, they truly and honestly make my skin crawl.

Of course, Warren is the worst of them, as we see even now, but they all joke about rape at least three times in this episode alone? And I’m calling those “jokes”, because the show is playing it for a comedic effect, as part of their ridiculous supervillain fantasy, which only makes it all worse.

On the other hand, I also kind of appreciate that these guys are our villains. Villains, who we will actually see put these words to action later on, and it’ll be sufficiently horrifying and repulsing. Which would be especially effective for an audience member who laughed at those earlier scenes before.

Now, while I feel like in today’s society, most of us don’t need that reminder, as we already know all too well what these groups of entitled young men insecure in their own masculinity are capable of, and how easy it is to radicalize them… I can see the argument that this might still come as a shocking revelation to some and a chance at self-evaluation. For me though, seeing the Trio’s plans of hypnotizing Buffy and making her their “sex bunny” played as some ridiculous gag is almost worse than their attempted rape and ensuing murder of Katrina in Dead Things.

Almost.

Speaking of Big Bads, villains and uncomfortable rape analogies… Willow is really out there, waving a red flag in Giles’ face now, huh. Giles blows off at her, sure. (And with good reason if we’re being honest.) But Willow threatens him. Giles’ face is a mix of a lot of things, but one of them is caution, and maybe even a bit of fear. He knows all too well where Willow could be headed.

(And then he just fucks right off to England without even leaving a note like “PS: Keep an eye on Willow, and don’t let her murder anyone. Unless it’s Warren. That bloke had it coming.”)

It’s not all bad though. Willow tries to support Buffy after her failed loan, and makes some terrible attempts to piss her off, just to make her feel something. Except that part of Willow’s concern for Buffy also comes from her unexamined guilt, and it only puts more pressure on Buffy to try and pretend that she’s fine in front of her friends.

Buffy is exhausted, and she tells Spike as much. She also asks why he’s always there when she’s miserable, which… girl… that’s called stalking. That’s why he’s always there when you’re alone and miserable. He’s been stalking you for a season now, and hasn’t even been subtle about it.

But for better or worse, it’s what Buffy needs right now. Not the stalking, but someone who she doesn’t feel any pressure with to pretend like she’s okay. Like she’s the old Buffy from before.

Previously with After Life, Buffy was asking for Giles and talked about missing him. Then, I commented that she might be thinking of him as someone that she could confide in. I think that that may still hold up, although it appears that once Giles is actually there, Buffy quickly assumes the same pretend position with him as the rest of the gang.

(Plus she already relieved that burden off her chest with Spike.)

It’s hard to explain Buffy’s logic here, because it’s something that I feel with her, rather than have the words to describe it. Part of it is surely that Buffy wants to protect her friends from the truth, but it’s also part of a larger narrative that she surrounded herself with. She also knows that she’s not the same, and that her friends noticed it. But if she doesn’t talk to them about it, that leaves her space to ignore it, ignore her trauma, her detachment, just as she’s trying to ignore her financial issues.

It’s classic self-sabotage and depression. At that stage where you don’t even want to admit that you have depression, because that implies that something’s wrong with you. And we are just not going to deal with that. Quick, let’s self-depreciate and make a joke about burning down the house for insurance.

Of course those financial issues would be better if someone paid rent for living there for potentially over 4 months now. Or at the very least had a discussion with Buffy about whether or not they should still live there.

Yes, we circled back to Willow again, but also Tara. This is certainly not a new hot take, but it is sort of baffling that these two don’t seem to contribute anything to Buffy’s financial situation despite living in her damn house. I get that most of Joyce’s insurance money just about covered the medical bills, but they also comment about the cost of living and… Those costs should have been covered by the adults living in the house, not by a finite and apparently very little amount of money Joyce left her daughters??

You definitely get the idea that the gang, and specifically Willow and Tara in this case, had absolutely no plans whatsoever beyond bringing Buffy back. They apparently expected Buffy to magically solve those finance issues when she was brought back, instead of… you know… thinking ahead about the teenager in the house, whose well-being they moved in for, I assume.

I initially was also just somewhat confused by the fact that they thought that pretending that Buffy was still alive was better than sending Dawn to live with her dad… But this rewatch reminded me that Hank Summers absolutely can’t be trusted to actually take in his own daughter, and Buffy even says so in an episode in season 5. They actually worry about how Dawn might be put into foster care if Buffy’s deemed unreliable as a guardian.

So, alright, I get it, they hoped that they could bring Buffy back anyway, but I can’t believe that apparently they didn’t even pay the bills out of their own pockets? They’re college students, sure, and that Tara obviously won’t get support from her family… But maybe, you know, take on a part-time job? And what about Willow’s family? Weird as a relationship she has with her parents, it’s still a relationship, so she could probably explain that she needs money to pay rent.

It’s just baffling. Even more so the fact that none of this is ever addressed, and Buffy keeps making increasingly sarcastic remarks about how everyone’s living in her house. Which points to her, Willow and Tara never having a discussion about whether or not they should move out or stay, now that she’s back.

On the other hand, there’s Dawn, and having three adults parenting her is probably better for now. Especially when she wants to do the research with them. Tara’s face is entirely too smug when Dawn opens a book despite her mom efforts, and is immediately greeted with some weird demon horn penis shit, or whatever.

(Which also reminds me of a s7 scene, where Dawn is having a slow epiphany of what Willow’s TMI involving tongue piercings imply, and Buffy’s like “Dawn needs to do a research thing!” How the turntables.)

Arguably the most reasonable person in this whole bunch is Anya though. When she proposes that Buffy should be charging for saving lives, everyone boos her. But you know what, that’s just a load of crap. And not just because that’s the entire premise of Angel the series.

Maybe there’s an idea here about how altruism can’t be done for profit, but if that’s the intention, then I’m once again calling bullshit. Apparently you either have a 9 to 5 job in order to pay the bills, and have food to eat – after which you’re happy to watch one (1) episode of television and write a nonsense text post about it, and definitely not go out to save the world if you also want to sleep. OR you can do the whole saving the world thing but also starve and lose your house to debt, I guess.

(The Spider-man comparison is also just weak, man. Peter Parker is a high school student for most of his stories. He has an aunt to take care of his finances, just like Buffy didn’t have to worry about finances in high school either.)

This also comes right back to the whole idea of how the Watcher’s Council is paying Watchers but not Slayers. Like, you know what, Giles. You could actually take care of this.

After all, you’re the one getting paid for Buffy’s work.

Oh, and bless Anya too for calling out Xander’s stalling and bullshit about their engagement. She’s right and she should say it.

[ettadunham]

A Buffy rewatch 6x17 Normal Again

aka reality doesn’t matter anyway

Welcome to this dailyish (weekly? bi-weekly?) text post series where I will rewatch an episode of Buffy and go on an impromptu rant about it for an hour. Is it about one hyperspecific thing or twenty observations? 10 or 3k words? You don’t know! I don’t know!!! In this house we don’t know things.

And in today’s episode we visit a classic sci-fi / fantasy television trope with a subtle twist. Did you check your younger sibling’s height recently? Their tallness might be a sign that you live in the Matrix.

If you’re a fan of sci-fi or fantasy television, especially ones that are grounded in our reality, you’ve inevitably encountered the Cuckoo Nest trope. Which is basically the premise of Normal Again.

In these episodes, our chosen hero suddenly finds themselves in a mental institution being told that their adventures were just a product of their delusions. They’re advised to reject their previous reality and accept the “real” world they’re presented with. Something they usually almost do before they’re saved – either by someone else or their own beliefs in themselves and the connections they made.

Here’s what I like about what the show does with this trope: Buffy’s actually saved by these supposedly malevolent visions. She’s saved by the words of her dead mother, who she wants so much to be real; to just curl up in her arms and let her tell her that it’s all going to be okay.

That’s what’s so wonderful to me about the show’s implementation of this trope. While the characters in this alternate setting try to pull Buffy away from her other world, they’re not overtly antagonistic towards her. They’re not the creation of a supervillain actively trying to make Buffy feel less sure of herself. On the contrary – Joyce acts like Joyce would, and in the process of trying to help Buffy to fight these supposed delusions, gives her daughter the strength to go back and face her demons again.

In a sense, similar to I Only Have Eyes for You, this whole episode is constructed to give us and Buffy this one, big cathartic moment at the end. And I’m all for it.

JOYCE:  “I know you’re afraid. I know the world feels like a hard place sometimes, but you’ve got people who love you. Your dad and I, we have all the faith in the world in you. We’ll always be with you. You’ve got… a world of strength in your heart. I know you do. You just have to find it again. Believe in yourself.”

I’m not gonna lie, I tear up a bit at this point. There’s something wonderful and honest and heartbreaking about the fact that Joyce inadvertently inspires Buffy to leave the world with her in it behind.

With the final scene cutting back to a comatose Buffy, it feels natural to ask the question whether or not the show’s real in-universe, or is just a product of Buffy’s imagination. Maybe Buffy has been in that mental institution this whole time. Maybe what we saw was just her final flash back before she’s got the antidote. Maybe it’s an alternate universe and they’re both real.

The show decides to leave it open-ended, but what I was struck with this time around on my rewatch, was the realization that it doesn’t really matter either way. Whether or not Buffy chose a fake reality or not is not the point.

What matters is that she decided to get back and fight. Even if it’s painful, she still does it. Every day. Whether or not her friends are real matters less than the fact that she chose to save them over escaping her pain at the end.

In a world full of uncertainties, all that matters is what we do.

This might be the closest Buffy comes to giving up. Not just on her fight, but on who she is at her core. Previously, her friends and loved ones being in distress have always managed to shake her out of any crisis, but here, she almost kills them. The world’s become too hard to live in, and she doesn’t know how to get better.

BUFFY:  “I’ve been so detached. […} Every day I try to snap out of it. Figure out why I’m like that.”

There might be some truth to what Spike says to Buffy (although it’s quite self-centered of Spike to believe that he’s the only source of Buffy’s problems…), but telling a depressed person that they’re addicted to misery isn’t usually a super helpful approach. Depression makes you think that you can’t escape it, no matter how much you want to.

So Buffy does the next best thing: she tries to escape reality itself. And with it, herself, and everything that makes her who she is.

Still, once Xander, Willow, Dawn and Tara are in danger, Buffy becomes more and more distressed. And yet, it’s still not enough to snap her out of it. All of her instincts are telling her to save her loved ones, and it’s still isn’t as powerful as her depression dulling those voices, finding self-destructive shortcuts to avoid and make her forget about her misery.

Sometimes, it’s so easy to go down that rabbit hole. To trap ourselves in that space of desolation. But much like Buffy, in these moments, we all have to remember that we’re not alone. Not in our misery and not in this world.

We’ve all got a world of strength in our hearts. We just have to find it again.

[ettadunham]

A Buffy rewatch 5x19 Tough Love

aka you are not immune to… internalized bi erasure?

Welcome to this dailyish (weekly? bi-weekly?) text post series where I will rewatch an episode of Buffy and go on an impromptu rant about it for an hour. Is it about one hyperspecific thing or twenty observations? 10 or 3k words? You don’t know! I don’t know!!! In this house we don’t know things.

And in today’s episode Tara’s not perfect and gets her mind sucked out for it, we kick off the season’s multi-episode finale arc by revealing Dawn to Glory, and we draw some weird parallels between two of our dynamics. Perhaps mostly though, I’ll just talk about Willow’s sexuality, because at some point, we need to properly address that elephant in the room.

Okay, so, let’s just kick this off. If you’ve been in this fandom long enough, you’ve been inevitably exposed to the discourse of Willow’s sexuality. And you might be asking now… what’s the big deal anyway? Isn’t art up to interpretation? Wasn’t that one of my main motivations for this rewatch? Why does it matter that parts of the audience ascribe different labels to Willow?

And well… that’s valid, but it also misses a crucial element of our media, one that I alluded to in my rant about Whedon character deaths. Art doesn’t happen in a vacuum. And the significance of that is only amplified for folks and groups whose experiences aren’t recognized or seen by society in the first place.

To them it will matter whether or not someone recognizes a character by a certain label. Because a refusal to do so feels like an erasure of their own identities. That’s what makes this whole discussion complicated in the first place.

Now, am I the best person to do a deep dive on this? No. Especially not in one of these barely proof-read long rant posts. I’m sure you can find much better sources, so please do that. But it’d feel disingenuous to ignore it too, so I’m just gonna address it to the best of my abilities as well as provide my own in-universe interpretation of what it could mean for the characters.

Great. Now for that pesky discourse.

Personally my go-to analogy to describe it is the classic Shrek onion one.

You see, you peel away a layer of the Willow’s sexuality onion… and it’s still an onion. You peel away all the layers, you chop it up, and sure, it remains an onion, but now everything’s a mess and you’re crying.

The issue is that you kind of need to peel those layers away anyway if you want to truly divorce yourself from the binary thinking that the show itself often engages with. Which is what’s arguably gotten us into this mess in the first place.

Because however you view Willow’s sexuality, you can’t deny that the show is doing a lousy job defining it. Willow does identify as gay/lesbian as of 5x11 and through the end of the series, but the language the show uses makes it impossible to just leave it at that.

In Doppelgangland, when Willow meets her vampire self, she describes her as “kinda gay”. Not gay, but kinda gay. We also see Vampire!Willow making out with Vampire!Xander in The Wish beforehand, so if Vamp!Willow is supposed to tell us something about Willow’s own sexuality, then it’d stand to reason that she’s bi. Right?

Well, apparently not. But then we run into her actual line in 5x11 where she first uses a label, saying “Hello, gay now!”. Notice, it’s gay now. As in Willow just woke up one day and turned gay. The same joke(?) is repeated in Intervention, where one of the characteristics that was programmed into Buffybot about Willow was saying Gay(1999 - ).

Now, that’s not to say that Willow can’t just have a fluid sexuality and identify anyway she fucking wants to, and she doesn’t need to justify her label to anyone. She fell in love with Tara, and that made her reconsider her own identity. Season 7 almost ends up addressing this too in a scene I think, so that’ll be nice to get to.

The issue mostly comes from the show skipping to engage even with the possibility that Willow (or anyone for that matter) might be attracted to more than one gender at the same time. The closest we get to this is with the love triangle setup in New Moon Rising, except I guess in this love triangle Willow also chose a sexual orientation?

It’s like that episode was the quantum superposition of Willow’s Schrödinger’s sexuality, and upon observation, it locked into either one of its two states. That’s why Tara’s been talking about getting a cat in that episode! Guys, we solved it!

Notice also that I’ve yet to really talk about Willow’s sexual history before Tara in regards to this… because for me that’s sort of less part of the point? If Willow was a real person, and you knew that she had this adorable boyfriend before she identified as a lesbian, you wouldn’t go up to her and question how she defines her own sexuality. I mean… I hope so? Don’t be a fucking asshole.

But that’s both the fallacy of the argument and the reason why you should still respect the label Willow identifies with. Because Willow is not real, she’s a fictional character, and therefore arguments can and should be made about how the show portrays her sexuality… And yet, the people who identify with Willow are very much real, and so are their own experiences of people dismissing their own chosen identities.

So, there you go folks. These are my two cents. Willow’s gay, but we need to acknowledge how the show appears to be either completely unaware, or actively dismissive of the existence of bisexuality. This even comes up in the S8 comics, where Buffy’s sexuality after having a relationship with a woman is continuously referred to as essentially “not-gay”. Because I guess in the Buffyverse canon these are your only two options.

Now that we got all that out of the way, we can briefly talk about this episode, I guess.

To keep it on track, I guess we should dissect the argument between Willow and Tara that sort of caused me to whip this whole discussion out here.

Now, this is a fascinating scene, because it pivots a lot, and reveals a lot about the characters and their insecurities. It also appears to be fueled by Willow’s own lack of self-reflection and Tara’s non-confrontational nature.

It starts with Willow complaining to Tara about how Buffy appears to be trying to be more strict with Dawn. Willow is obviously identifying with Dawn in the situation. But Tara says she completely understands Buffy.

This then probably reminds Willow of Buffy earlier telling her that she wouldn’t understand when she was talking to her about Dawn, which causes a mood shift in Willow. It also reminded me of season 3 of Buffy telling Willow the same thing regarding her connection with Faith, so as a Buffy/Tara shipper that association kind of delights me, ngl.

But as Tara pushes further, seeing that something is bothering Willow, she reveals the insecurity behind it. Willow isn’t just responding to Tara having this wisdom through this major, tragic life experience that she can relate to Buffy with; it’s that Tara’s done all of this so much longer than she has. She’s been a witch all her life. She’s been out much longer.

That however then triggers Tara’s own insecurities about Willow rapidly surpassing her in her own magical abilities, and says that that “frightens” her. She tries walking back on her choice of word later, but it’s too late, and Willow locks into that.

Now, this is some riveting stuff. Because with foreknowledge, the easiest interpretation here is that this will relate back to Willow’s abuse of magic in season 6. That deep down Tara already sees what having this much power will do to her girlfriend.

This is arguably even reinforced in the episode with Willow going after Glory. It’s once again foreshadowing, Willow attempting to take revenge for something that’s been done to Tara; but it also betrays a certain arrogance in Willow. She actually believes that she can take on Glory, a supposed God. (Which, honestly? She probably could by season 7.) That’s the kind of power that she wields and how she chooses to use it.

Still, in the argument itself Tara pushes this fear of hers in a slightly different direction, saying that she’s afraid that she wouldn’t be able to fit into Willow’s life, after all these changes. And that’s where the previous discussion fits in.

Perhaps to understand Willow’s response, we should remember how magic has been used as our lesbian metaphor for almost a whole season. Because she almost immediately jumps to the conclusion, that Tara’s afraid that she would… go back to boys? Which is of course a classic, toxic stereotype used against bisexuals, despite the fact that no one here canonically identifies as bi, so add that to the discourse.

More importantly, it’s said by Willow. Now, Tara totally drops the ball here, asking her “Should I be?”, which reinforces the validity of Willow’s assumption that it’s actually something that Tara is thinking. Even someone as perfect and precious as Tara is not immune to propaganda.

In Tara’s defense, she once again tries dancing back on it, and talking it out before Willow storms out, but yeah. While I’d like to think that Tara’s question came more from a place of general insecurity, regardless of the gender of Willow’s next possible love interest, she sure fucked up in that moment.

Still, the fact that it’s Willow jumping to this debate, might just tell us more about Willow herself and how she sees herself.

Let’s go back to Restless for a bit. In that episode, Willow’s fear was ended up being about how she was scared that deep down she was still the same girl that she was in high school. That all these things she developed through college that made her stand out were just a facade, and that she was merely hiding her true identity as the same lonely loser she believed herself to have been back then.

So… and bear with me here… if we take that fear as a core motivation for Willow’s character, we can interpret the way she identifies her sexuality as a means to distance herself from her old identity. From this perspective, it’d perhaps even make sense for her to feel insecure about a supposed attraction to men, because she sees that as a regression to her old identity.

I can not stress it enough that this is merely a possible interpretation though. And one that would really only become satisfying if season 7 - which was already largely about reconciling with these different aspects of her identity for Willow aside the obvious theme of power - ended up tying it all together with Willow re-defining her own sexuality. It didn’t though, so I’m still left with the same conclusions, and this thought experiment of a character analysis.

Anywho, this is getting so very long, and there are still a few things that I wanted to touch upon this episode. Mainly the parallel we’re drawing between Willow / Tara and Buffy & Dawn throughout.

Normally, I love a good parallel storytelling. It’s efficient and makes the whole thing more cohesive. Here however, they manage to drive the parallel home so hard, that it just becomes weird at some point.

Like the fact that we have these two conflicts in the two relationships, arguably anchoring the episode? That’s good stuff. I also like the fact that Willow and Tara’s argument grows out of their discussion about Buffy and Dawn’s situation.

There’s actually a lot of great interaction in the entire episode. I love Dawn opening up to Spike about how she feels responsible for what would happen to Tara, and how she feels like she can’t be good because of all the terrible things happening around her. That’s a brilliant scene. Spike’s “Well, I’m not good and I’m okay”? I actually love him in that moment, not even gonna lie.

Buffy thinking that she actually convinced Willow to not go after Glory reminded me of a scene in Angel the series, where the gang thinks they managed to curve Fred’s impulses to axe murder her old professor. Do you all even know these people you call friends??? But again, I liked that exchange.

And okay, Buffy needed to be reminded what she would do if something happened to Dawn to realize what Willow was planning. Fine.

But then you’ve got the doctor asking Willow if Tara was her “sister” (to which she of course replied “She’s my everything”, and it’s fine, I’m fine), and then in the last scene, Buffy explicitly equating Willow’s need to take care of Tara with her own feelings regarding Dawn.

Again, I understand parallel storytelling. I love it. But when you’re equating a romantic and a familial relationship there’s a point where it becomes weird, and for me, these two moments put it just over that edge. This is of course a deeply subjective perspective, and I recognize that.

And then you also get Buffy trying to take on these new adult responsibilities in the episode. She’s dropping out of college to try and care for Dawn, and is faced with the challenge to become a parental authority figure in her sister’s life. The scene where she explains to Dawn that the reason she’s being tough with her, is because otherwise she could be seen unfit to be her guardian just gutted me.

This episode is just way too much, guys. And we’re only just at the beginning of the big finish of this season.

[ettadunham]

A Buffy rewatch 6x13  Dead Things

aka nothing’s wrong with you Buffy!!!!!

Welcome to this dailyish (weekly? bi-weekly?) text post series where I will rewatch an episode of Buffy and go on an impromptu rant about it for an hour. Is it about one hyperspecific thing or twenty observations? 10 or 3k words? You don’t know! I don’t know!!! In this house we don’t know things.

And today’s episode is… tough. Yeah. Can I just talk about Buffy and Tara instead?

I’ve been essentially training myself for Dead Things ever since starting this rewatch, not even gonna lie. I earlier likened this episode to Billy from Angel. Both depict violent misogyny in unsettling ways, and while that portrayal purposeful and pointed, it’s also just… really hard to watch.

One of the differences though is that while the misogynistic violence permeated every aspect of the episode in Billy, Dead Things confines most of its rape and murder to the Trio’s storyline. Most of it.

The wider overlying theme instead is one of objectification and dehumanization.

I’m not sure I need to get into much of a detail on how that relates to the aforementioned Trio grossness, but I guess we’ll need to talk about it, so…. Warren and co.’s plans to turn some woman of their choosing into their “sex slave” with some mind control device is extremely disturbing from the start. Just writing it down makes me feel all yikes.

But Jonathan and Andrew only realize that once it’s revealed that the girl Warren brought back with the device was his ex. Now that Katrina had a name and a past, it was suddenly messed up that Warren would choose her. They still couldn’t see the issues with their plans, just the fact that Warren chose a person, instead of an object they clearly saw all women as.

And then Katrina calls them out on the fucking rape!!! Which is what they were about to do!!! And they’re shocked!!!

I just… could we just talk about Buffy and Tara instead? Like, there’s a lot more that I want to say about the themes of dehumanization here, how they refer to Katrina’s body as “it” after the murder, how Buffy sees herself and how Spike uses that sense of feeling less human to isolate her, yet at the same time, how Buffy herself uses Spike, but… I’m struggling a lot with writing about this.

So! Buffy and Tara!

I’ve already outed myself as a shipper here, but I also just want to appreciate certain aspects of this dynamic we see from their two scenes in this episode.

In the first one, Tara’s visiting Buffy at work, which is kind of awkwardly adorable, as Tara’s taking in Buffy’s new job for the first time. Tara initially assumes that Buffy called her about Willow, but then Buffy clarifies and finally asks the question that’s been bothering her for 4 episodes now, ever since finding out that Spike can hit her.

Did she come back “wrong” after the resurrection, as Spike put it?

To which Tara’s response is a very empathetic NO. She barely lets Buffy finish before saying it too.

And I want to talk about that, because this idea that maybe they botched the spell and Buffy “came back wrong” actually came up with the Scoobies before, right after the resurrection. There, Willow was the most vocal denier of that, but that mostly came from her own sense of guilt and responsibility if that was the case. She was the one who pushed and did the spell after all.

I don’t feel like however, that really has anything to do with Tara’s response here though (even if she was part of the spell herself, and had some responsibility as well). This has much more to do with her own upbringing and background, which is even underlined by how her stutter comes back for a second.

Tara’s family made her believe that she was a demon for years. Some Evil Thing. They took a young girl in a vulnerable place and made her feel even more isolated. More easily controlled.

So yeah, Tara is so not here for anyone trying to make Buffy feel that way. Even if it’s Buffy herself.

(But it’s also Spike. Like I said before, Buffy is dehumanizing Spike too, but Spike is just straight up attacking Buffy’s own sense of self-worth, and uses her shame to isolate her from her friends even further.)

And then there’s the last scene. I… cried? Not just because of Buffy’s breakdown, but the level of empathy and understanding Tara showed her. Which is essentially what made Buffy let it all out as well.

Maybe Buffy using Spike isn’t right, but neither is being trapped in her own vicious cycle of self-loathing. And Tara knows that. Probably more than most.

There’s nothing wrong with Buffy. She’s been going through something traumatic, acted out, and intentionally or not, hurt some of the people around her. More than anyone though, she was hurting herself.

“You always hurt the one you love” – that’s actually my favorite interpretation of this quote, because Buffy says it, after she beats up Spike… But as she’s punching him, her words seem to be about herself more than anyone. Kind of like how Faith's was at the end of Who Are You.

And so the reversal of Buffy’s and Faith’s character arcs continue.

I also love the scene Buffy and Dawn share, when Buffy’s about to turn herself in to the police. I appreciate that this actually happens, that Buffy tells Dawn about it. But I also understand Dawn’s response. While it’s very much a core part of Buffy’s character to take responsibility for an action like that, it might also feel like another escape. A decision that would make Dawn lose her sister once again.

Oh yeah, and by the end of the episode, Jonathan seems to be the only part of the Trio who feels bad about getting away with murder. Which makes him the least trash of the group, but that really isn’t saying much.

Before our next stop, let’s also just appreciate how Tara sits in a chair.

On brand.

[ettadunham]

A Buffy rewatch 5x22 The Gift

aka little miss muffet counting down from 7-3-0

Welcome to this dailyish (weekly? bi-weekly?) text post series where I will rewatch an episode of Buffy and go on an impromptu rant about it for an hour. Is it about one hyperspecific thing or twenty observations? 10 or 3k words? You don’t know! I don’t know!!! In this house we don’t know things.

And in today’s episode Buffy faces her trolley problem and says no. Fuck you universe.

As is my recent tradition, I paired a specific drink I had at home with today’s season finale. In this case, it was a glass of some German apple liquor that was gathering dust in the cabinet, and it was excellent. Bittersweet and familiar. 5/5.

(In case you were wondering, the drink of choice for Restless was a small bottle of Belgian beer called Delirium Tremens. Naturally.)

(This is also your daily reminder kids, to always drink responsibly. Alcoholism is no joke, and chances are that you too are affected by it, maybe through someone you know. Please take care of yourselves and don’t let us or anyone make drinking seem cool.)

Anyway, by the length of this intro you can probably already tell the issue. This post will not be very focused.

And I already showed my cards here! Season 5 is probably my favorite season and The Gift my favorite season finale. Maybe even throughout TV.

This is an episode that was written as a series finale, and yet the show still went on for two additional seasons. I saw some discussion about whether or not the show would’ve worked better if it ended here, and while I personally agree that this is a stronger finale, I like that we have those other seasons. For all of its flaws and the complicated relationship I have with some of its parts, season 6 and 7 do and say something about the characters, the world and ourselves that makes us feel, think and grow in different ways.

Plus the show still ended with an excellent finale. But more on that when we get there.

Not to mention that season 5 already mapped out Buffy’s depression for us, so “death being her gift”, her moment of big sacrifice could easily fold into suicidal ideation. That’s why her quote to Dawn is so important.

“The hardest thing in this world is to live in it. So be brave. Live. For me.”

Buffy has found her way out that was still true to who she was at her core. She saved the world and her sister through a loophole that let her end her story on her own terms, and prove to herself that she’s still capable of love.

In her very last moments Buffy was defined by her love for her sister and not the evil that tried to take Dawn, and the innocence she represented away from her. She refused to let the next generation pay the price for all of our mistakes.

In short, Buffy should be the example that we, Millenials, follow. It might not seem like we have the power to affect any change in the world, but we have a responsibility to those that come after us to try. To take our own stance and act as shields and protectors for the next generation.

It’s easier said that done, I know, especially when we don’t feel like we have our own lives together. But sometimes just one thing, one small decision, one compromise we refuse to make can make all the difference.

I will not do this and I will not let it happen.

In this episode, Buffy draws the line. She won’t let Dawn die for the greater good. She refuses to save a world that would make her kill a teenage girl. Her own sister.

She points out that this is in stark contrast to how she handled a similar dilemma at the end of season 2. There, she was presented with a parallel choice: kill Angel or save the world.

She put a sword through him.

Despite the similarities, there are huge thematic differences between the two situations though. Angel represented a danger for Buffy to lose herself in him; so killing him meant that she chose her own identity over him.

It was of course horrible and traumatic still, but on a thematic level, it was about Buffy making a statement about who she is. And she’s making just as much of a statement with refusing to entertain the same solution with Dawn.

In many ways, Dawn represents Buffy herself. Her innocence, her childhood, her connection to humanity. Buffy’s been feeling detached this season, and felt emotionally unavailable after the whole Riley fiasco especially. But not with Dawn. Dawn’s been Buffy’s tether to those emotions, that immense, unconditional, unguarded love.

For Buffy, killing Dawn would’ve been severing that very link. She would rather die.

This is Buffy’s trolley problem. And she refuses to engage with it in its intended way. She is not going to let Dawn die to save 5 or hundreds or even millions of people.

Instead she offers up her own life. As the show will discuss later on, Buffy arguably has the power to decide who lives and dies, and here, she comes to the conclusion that she can only really make that choice for herself.

There are also just so many wonderful callbacks in this episode. The guy in the alley calling Buffy “just a girl”, and her remarking on how she keeps telling people that, referring to her early motivations of wanting to be a normal girl. (Something that Dawn too represents.) Willow and Tara holding hands to combine their powers to clear the way for Spike, reminding us of their very first spell together. Even Xander’s dumb comment about how smart ladies are hot and Willow’s retort gave me all the nostalgia.

We’ve been foreshadowing and building up to this moment for 5 years. Graduation Part 2 too was a big book finish, but The Gift is the end of a journey. And while some would argue that it would’ve been an even better finale for the entire show, knowing that there’s still so much to come after, only makes me appreciate it more.

What else is there to say? We could talk about Dawn echoing my own thoughts, wanting to deal with Glory’s honest evil over Ben’s quiet, ambiguous monstrosity. Giles putting on his glasses to kill Ben, as opposed to earlier instances of his “Ripper” aspect shining through, signifying how this is who he is. A “killer”, as Tara called him. Tara leading the Scoobies to Glory as opposed to earlier when her condition made her lead Glory to Dawn.

The whole ritual of bleeding / killing Dawn, and how it’s reminiscent of traditions of young girls “becoming women”. She’s given a more adult dress to wear as she leaves her old one behind. Even the “bleeding” thing can be read as a big old menstruation metaphor, so have fun with that.

BuffyBot briefly returns, Buffy is Lady Thor because comics...

Oh, and Xander proposes to Anya. That also happened.

10/10. This episode is still 10/10. Go and rewatch the show just so you can experience it in all of its Glory.

Let us all also raise a glass of water to Buffy Anne Summers. She saved the world. A lot.

And she wants you to stay hydrated. Do it for her.

[ettadunham]

A Buffy rewatch 6x18 Entropy

aka i wish xander would stop

Welcome to this dailyish (weekly? bi-weekly?) text post series where I will rewatch an episode of Buffy and go on an impromptu rant about it for an hour. Is it about one hyperspecific thing or twenty observations? 10 or 3k words? You don’t know! I don’t know!!! In this house we don’t know things.

And the most important thing to remember about today’s episode is that nothing bad happened after this. Ever. Especially to Tara. She’s fine.

I don’t actually think I have much to say about Entropy. It’s the calm before the storm, except that this calm is giving me all the anxiety.

Still, we do get some positive movement as well. Buffy and Dawn in particular bond a lot during the episode, as Buffy’s putting some extra effort into taking care of her sister. She’s making Dawn three different types of breakfast, worries about cramping her teenage vibe; but they’re also dealing with the consequences of Dawn’s stealing phase. They’re paying back the stores and are talking about it openly with each other. Buffy even jokes about Dawn’s low stakes teenage rebellion by pointing out that she chose to steal a toothbrush of all things at one place.

“Dental hygiene is important” – replies Dawn like the nerd she is. God, I love them.

Dawn is also using the opportunity to try and convince Buffy to involve her in her slaying activities. To which Buffy of course replies “no fucking way”, because no one’s first instinct is to actively put their loved ones into mortal danger. Interestingly enough, this is a thread that we’ll pay off by the end of the season, with Dawn already being trained at the beginning of season 7, so I kind of wish that we’ve built it up a bit more.

Regardless, we see a huge shift in Buffy’s attitude towards Dawn, and I like that this occurs after last episode. I don’t think that it’s just guilt that inspired Buffy to spend all this quality time with her sister – I’d like to believe that it was more her mom’s words that helped her find the strength to open up and re-connect. Even about things she would’ve rather kept hidden.

Yup, this is the episode everyone finds out about Spike and Buffy’s whole affair, but I love that the talk with Dawn happens in this quiet understanding place. If nothing else, Dawn understands why Buffy kept it from her and everyone else. And she’s ready to support Buffy about the rest.

Unlike Xander, who’s just a fucking mess of raw, explosive emotions. Hoo boy.

I mentioned with Hell’s Bells that while I’m sympathetic towards Xander during that whole ordeal, that good will gets lost with how he handles the aftermath. And by that, I mostly mean this episode.

Even during his initial talk with Anya at the beginning of the episode, he’s fucking this up. For all the self-examination he’s done, he doesn’t appear to have internalized just how much he hurt Anya, or respect her needs and wishes (hehe).

Honestly? Xander’s frantic energy is mostly what gives me anxiety during this episode. He goes to the Magic Box with an axe after seeing Spike and Anya together! For all of Spike’s faults, this is definitely not what he should be murdered for.

Seeing Xander like this, makes me all kinds of uncomfortable.

The whole thing with everyone (including Xander) finding out is also what took away any enjoyment I might have had about Anya and Spike bonding in their shared misery. There’s nothing wrong with some casual sex between two consenting adults who made a connection. But with the way it’s edited, interspersed with Willow going through the camera feeds, the show frames it as something bad they’re about to get caught for.

And you know what, fuck that. And fuck especially Xander for saying all that godawful entitled shit about how he “”feels sick”” looking at Anya, because he had sex with Spike, or whatever the fuck. Anya has the right fucking idea.

ANYA:  “Where do you get off judging me?!”

But Xander’s words somehow still manage to cut through her, and fuck you Xander. Fuck you very much.

I initially had this whole spiel about how the Scoobies siding with Xander is all kinds of shitty, but you know what, I get it. As awful as Xander is in this episode, he also needs a support system. Everyone does. And they’re not endorsing or ignoring his actions entirely, with Buffy even preventing him earlier in the episode from going after Anya, and advising him to give her some space. They just… don’t quite know how to hold him responsible, or support Anya without feeling like they’re betraying Xander’s trust.

Actually, you know what: that’s still shitty. Sure, Anya’s plan to take revenge on Xander obviously isn’t super good, but she mostly just wanted to feel supported by the people she’s grown to consider friends. But their refusal to pass judgement on Xander made their words of understanding feel hollow for Anya.

To be fair though, they probably all had a whole ‘judge not lest you be judged’ mindset about it, with all the shit they’ve been dealing with in this season. Understandably so.

Ironically, that didn’t stop Xander from passing his own judgement on Anya… Again, for all the supposed self-examination Xander’s done for this episode about his feelings on marriage, etc., he’s not getting any better about examining his emotions before acting on them.

But you know who else decided to fuck overanalyzing, and to just go with their hearts? Tara. Sweet, sweet, wonderful Tara.

Life’s too short to not take chances. Tara should definitely be cautious in her situation with the way Willow betrayed her trust before. But she also should be happy. She deserves that much (and everything else in the whole world).

I’m calling bullshit on that line though in the coffee place of Tara saying how it’s “natural” that Xander would watch lesbian porn, when Anya was trying to get a vengeance wish out of them. Which straight male Buffy writer’s contribution was that? Which one of you is responsible?

It’s bad enough that I have to mentally prepare for Seeing Red now. See you all once I’m ready.

(So… never?)

[ettadunham]

A Buffy rewatch 6x12 Doublemeat Palace

aka (too) real life horror (comedy)

Welcome to this dailyish (weekly? bi-weekly?) text post series where I will rewatch an episode of Buffy and go on an impromptu rant about it for an hour. Is it about one hyperspecific thing or twenty observations? 10 or 3k words? You don’t know! I don’t know!!! In this house we don’t know things.

And today’s hot take is that Doublemeat Palace is actually fun? Let’s talk about it.

One of the many things that I love about Buffy, is that when you ask people to pick a favorite or least favorite of the show, whether it’s an episode, season or character, the answers you’ll get will vary a lot. Well, alright, there’s usually a general consensus, and yes, Once More, With Feeling is most people’s favorite episode; but ask someone to pick their favorite season, and their answer may surprise you.

This variety is probably most apparent when it comes to generally disliked Buffy episodes. No matter how hated it may seem, how its rating is by any metrics, there is no Buffy episode without its fans. And those can come with or without the guilty pleasure label.

I’ve already planted my flag by episodes like I Robot, You Jane and Beer Bad. I especially got a lot out of the latter, not even gonna lie. Meanwhile I was genuinely surprised to find that some people really like Go Fish, an episode that’s about at the bottom of the barrel on my own list. But isn’t that kind of fascinating? Someone looked at the same episode I did, and got something completely different out of it. And we could probably see and understand each other’s points of view on it as well if we got right down to it. What a concept.

I know, I know, art is up for interpretation, shocking revelation made by Tumblr user ettadunham, and I am so not here to get into a rant about that right now. We’ll have plenty of opportunities to fire up that discussion later on, especially as my original intention here was just to lay back and appreciate the delicious weirdness of Doublemeat Palace.

Rolling back to that earlier point, this is for a lot of people is exactly that type of bottom of the barrel episode we mentioned before. Which means that it’s already had that underdog status going for it, as I sat down for my rewatch.

Well, actually, when I sat down I didn’t really remember that I was about to watch Doublemeat Palace, because somehow I’ve yet to memorize the complete Buffy episode list. Not gonna lie, I was mostly just expecting a general downer. Something focusing on Buffy and Willow’s misery with minimal Scoobies interactions, and so I was already thinking of how to compare that with season 5… But then the episode started with a scene between Xander, Anya and Willow discussing the Trio and the capitalist values of demons vs. supervillains, and I was already delighted.

And it only gets weirder from there. Buffy’s new job at the local fast food restaurant is presented as a horror story, and sure, there is eventually murder and monsters involved, but my favorite thing about that is that most of the horror comes from the actual life scenario itself. I’ve never worked at a fast food place, but the high turnover rate, the menial job, the manager who is trying to sell you on the company lines and brainwash you to believe that you actually want to work there 5 years from now… That stuff should be familiar for anyone ever working at a low-end corporate job.

I just love how the directing heightens that effect, as the camera tilts and focuses on the machines and the repetition, and the people spacing out. It’s a bit of quasi-horror comedy that also comes from the absurdity of life itself.

Buffy’s weird co-workers for instance? They all have their own distinct characters and I actually find them completely believable. If I was the guy who worked by that grill machine, and at some point had to go to the doctor to remove the grease from my ears, I’d probably think that that was a fun work story to tell too.

Buffy having at least five theories about what’s the “secret ingredient” in the burger - one of them being cats I guess – is also just the kind of morbid humor I’d expect in a place like that.

I guess if you go into this episode for the first time, you could get lost in the red herring of it all, or just wait for the demon reveal to explain the extremely high turnover. But for me, I found that the most enjoyable experience was to focus less on the literal meaning of Spike’s “this place will kill you”, and more on just how depressing the meat grind of corporate culture can be, especially for those at the bottom of its food chain.

Haha, see what I did there. Although as we learn from the plot twist, Doublemeat Palace was actually selling Impossible Whoppers before it was cool rather than an actual meat product. The real hipster of fast food chains.

I also just want to appreciate Buffy’s Captain America-like shirt (but with a heart!!) after she’s fired, and is about to start a corporate revolt. Bless her heart.

By the end of the episode of course, Buffy gets her job back and decides to stay on. Because money. Now there’s some real horror for you.

In other news, Amy has truly established herself as Willow’s Ethan-like foil for the series. She has all the angst, the grudge and chaotic energy for it for sure. It’s honestly a bit of a bummer that she didn’t get a lot more to do on the show from this point on. (I think she’s in the comics though? Again, it’s been a long time…)

Willow’s last words to her though. “If you’re really my friend, you better stay away from me. And if you really aren’t… you better stay away from me.” The change in her tone of voice by that last part! I’m scared and this isn’t even Murder Willow. Yet.

I also feel like pointing out that the whole eyes going dark phenomenon came up before in season 5 when she went after Glory and the whole magic trip she went on in Wrecked… But also in 6x04, when she and Tara were doing a spell to help Buffy fight some interdimensional ghost demon. At some point, Willow let go of Tara’s hand, her eyes went black, and she just said “solid”.

And the spell suddenly worked.

Based on that, and also some season 7 context, the whole black eyes thing seems to indicate whenever Willow is tapping into some greater, more volatile power. Or – especially in this case, where magic was clearly transferred to her – something that is outside of herself. More on that in season 7 probably.

Meanwhile Halfrek responded to Anya’s wedding invite in an insanely memorable scene of the show, and is now that friend who’s only relationship advice is “dump him”. Not that I can blame her per se...

Xander is clearly not over his own fears, and visibly reacts when Willow makes a comment about his impending happily ever after with Anya. Halfrek passive aggressively pointing out to Anya Xander’s attitude towards her feels a bit petty, but there’s truth to that as well. Anya may be weird, but some of Xander’s comments actually question whether or not he even likes her as a person.

That being said, that isn’t always the case. Xander is extremely sweet with Anya, including all her quirks throughout most of their relationship in season 5, I think. I would need to go back to those episodes to confirm this, but my running theory is that Xander’s fears regarding their upcoming wedding might have caused him to regress a bit in that regard. And as we know, Xander being the emotional one of their group tends to fail at introspection when it comes to his feelings.

Again, I’m not quite confident in that assessment of regression, so take that with a grain of salt. I would really need to rewatch season 5 again and keep more of an eye on their relationship, so this is mostly just a hunch for now.

Somehow, in the midst of all this, Dawn ends up being my lowkey MVP for the episode. She shows a lot of understanding towards her sister, as she laments that Buffy will probably be stuck in minimal-wage jobs for most of her life, because of her Slayer and other responsibilities. Meanwhile Dawn has much more freedom to choose – and that’s largely due to Buffy’s own personal sacrifices.

I feel like this is probably also the first instance we see Dawn truly interacting with Willow post-Wrecked, and it’s her walking up to Willow, asking her if she’s okay. Dawn Summers is precious, and good, and you can’t change my mind.

Now, who’s ready to get really fucking genuinely disturbed with our next episode?

[ettadunham]

A Buffy rewatch 6x10 Wrecked

aka going way too hard on your metaphors

Welcome to this dailyish (weekly? bi-weekly?) text post series where I will rewatch an episode of Buffy and go on an impromptu rant about it for an hour. Is it about one hyperspecific thing or twenty observations? 10 or 3k words? You don’t know! I don’t know!!! In this house we don’t know things.

And with today’s episode I wanna talk about... *checks non-existent notes* Buffy and Willow? That can’t be right. Didn’t we just have that talk?

*flips page on the notepad I’d be using if I actually put some effort into these posts* Oh. I’m gonna be talking about Buffy and Willow for every episode this season. Okay then.

When it comes to Wrecked, I think the first and foremost thing we need to address is the out of control drug metaphor of Willow’s magic problems, that’s being hammered into the audience seemingly out of nowhere.

Now, this is a bit of a toughie. Because I can see where the metaphor is coming from, and how it’s actually pretty in character for Willow to fall down this rabbit hole. See, what the magical drug represents here for Willow is an escape from her reality and emotions – and Willow’s affinity to do just that has been well-documented throughout the show.

I pointed this out most with Something Blue. In that case, Willow’s grief over Oz’s departure caused her to eventually turn to a magical solution, that would heal her heartbreak overnight. She didn’t want to go through the pain, she wanted to not feel it altogether. There’s even a weird Bronze scene where we see Willow drinking a light beer (A light beer! Gasp!) that is trying to impart the same impression about escaping her current state.

Lovers Walk has a similar moment, where she’s trying to de-lust herself and Xander with a spell (without his consent at that…). And then we’ve got episodes like Wild at Heart and Tough Love, where big bad emotions lead to her turning to magic to take revenge.

Xander is easily the most emotional character, in the sense that he tends to act upon his emotions rather than questioning them. Willow is pretty much the complete opposite of that, in that she can’t help but over-examine her emotions. But when she feels things – especially something negative – she feels that big. And possibly due to that same over-examination, that might even magnify those emotions, she can barely stand it.

Here, those emotions appear to be mostly about her break-up with Tara. Break-ups seem to hit Willow especially hard, since being loved and seen as special is a bit of a cornerstone of her character motivations. (Of which a lot can be traced back to her mommy issues if we go by Gingerbread.) So yeah, it’s really no wonder that she tried to take a magical shortcut to cut through the pain.

And yet, the moment you start looking at this episode in the context of what came before, and the actual events that led to Tara leaving, things are starting to get less and less straightforward.

See, Willow’s use of magic prior to Wrecked in season 6 was less about escape, and more about power and control. Tara’s concerns were about Willow using her powers to help herself, alter reality to her liking without any consideration for anyone’s choice or consent, and taking magical shortcuts for all of her problems.

You can make the argument that it’s still connected, that power has an addictive nature, that that fear of abandonment and anxiety is what’s behind a lot of Willow’s issues with control, which has a similar effect of her avoiding certain problems and emotions… And certainly, as these actions and inclinations are all in character for Willow, you can lead them back to the same motivations.

Still, when we’re talking about the substance abuse metaphor specifically, applying that to Willow pre-Wrecked is much less straightforward. Which wouldn’t necessarily be that big of a problem, your metaphors don’t always need to be a perfect fit imo, and you can have something mean multiple things at once… except in this case, we are going way too hard on it.

Rack’s entire setup, that whole scene of Amy breaking into the house, trying to steal some herbs(?), Willow’s withdrawal symptoms by the end of the episode… There’s just no space for any wider interpretation, and because of that, I feel like we’re missing a lot of nuance, as many of Willow’s actual issues don’t fit quite as neatly into this metaphor.

It feels like the show is saying that it’s the fault of this ~drug magic~ that Willow altered Tara’s memories, taking away her informed consent. And that would be in itself certainly a complicated discussion, because judging the actions of people struggling with addiction is complicated; but it’s just not really the right discussion in this case. Again, while we can fold this into a greater context of the addictive nature of power and whatnot, it’s still mostly just about Willow’s abuse of that power here.

For Buffy though, at this point in time it’s definitely that sense of escape and addictive self-destructive mechanism where she connects with Willow.

The show is once again drawing a clear parallel between these two characters, but more importantly, Buffy is doing a lot of that work herself. As I mentioned before, this is sort of becoming a problem this season. Like, not to beat the dead horse, but the three main Scoobies have trouble holding each other responsible for their actions all season. And in Buffy’s case, that mostly comes from her being too wrapped up in her own mess, and over-identifying with her friends’ issues instead of looking at them critically.

BUFFY:  “She’s just helping Amy through a transition.” XANDER:  “And making herself a playmate to do magic with. Someone who won’t monitor her like Tara.” BUFFY:  “No, Willow’s a grownup. You know, maybe she doesn’t need to be monitored. You know, she’s going through something, but we’re not her. I mean… maybe she has reasons for acting this way. And, so what if she crossed a line? You know, we all do stuff. Stupid stuff. But, then we learn. And we learn, and we don’t do it again. Okay, so, you know, who are we to get all judgey?”

First of all, let’s address the Xander of it. His culpability here for me is about the fact that he seems more or less aware of the problem, and voices it a couple of times, but we never actually see him do anything about it. He made some passive aggressive comments when Willow used magic to hack something, but that’s it.

On the other hand, I guess that isn’t that far from Xander’s modus operandi. He sees himself as a bit of an outsider in their group. He observes, and as a result, when a character goes to him for advice or support post s4, he can actually be pretty helpful. So maybe it’s really not his style to just show up at Buffy’s house on an afternoon, and try to get through to Willow… but I still think that he should’ve. That’s his best friend since kindergarten, and he clearly sees that there’s a problem.

Then again, Xander has his own set of issues this season that might occupy most of his thoughts, even if they’ll only become more apparent later down the line.

Buffy’s defensiveness regarding Willow however is just a beautiful mess of overtly obvious over-identification.

Now that Buffy actually slept with Spike, he is feeling empowered. Even if he’s only an outlet for Buffy, that in itself can have its own addictive nature.

Buffy hit a low point. Her depression is taking over every aspect of her life, and the only time she feels like she can break out of that numbness is when she’s with Spike. Even if a lot of that is centered around her feelings of self-loathing and shame.

If Spike had a soul, he could probably see that that’s not good, and certainly not the kind of relationship you want to have with someone you’re supposedly in love with… but Spike doesn’t have a soul. So all he sees is the co-dependency aspect of it all. He’s obsessed with Buffy, but Buffy needs him too. That’s a win for him as far as his current limited understanding of love goes.

So he’s being smug, and pays less and less attention to Buffy’s ‘no’s. And yeah… That’s troubling, but it’s also troubling in a way that seems self-aware on the show’s part, especially when you think about where we’re headed.

Circling back to Buffy’s response to Willow, with the outright stated connection, you can see Buffy’s own struggles with her current situation through that. When she slowly hugs Willow after the latter begged for her forgiveness and support as she hit her low point, that feels almost like an act of self-love on Buffy’s part. Or at the very least an admittance of her own predicament.

My question however still remains. Could Buffy really help Willow if all she sees are her own issues reflected back through her, which she’s struggling to deal with in the first place?

(I mean, the answer is no, but that’ll get slightly less obvious before the end of the season.)

Oh yeah, and I can’t believe that Tara is the only one who cares about the teenager in the house enough to try and make her breakfast. At this point, Dawn should just move into Tara’s new place, like, full offense @ Buffy and Willow, but you guys are a mess.

But that’s how I love them.

[ettadunham]

A Buffy rewatch 6x14 Older and Far Away

aka and then they all snapped

Welcome to this dailyish (weekly? bi-weekly?) text post series where I will rewatch an episode of Buffy and go on an impromptu rant about it for an hour. Is it about one hyperspecific thing or twenty observations? 10 or 3k words? You don’t know! I don’t know!!! In this house we don’t know things.

And while today’s episode is mostly Dawn-centric, there are two other characters in particular that I really wanna talk about: Tara and Anya.

Older and Far Away is almost infamous for its big Dawn outburst and her petty, bratty attitude. But to me, that’s ignoring the greater context of Dawn’s story, especially this season.

To be fair, I actually like how the episode resolves that, and emphasizes Dawn’s pain through Halfrek’s monologue, as well as let Buffy connect with her sister finally… But I can also see how someone else would have a harder time focusing on that, and not on Dawn yelling “GET OUT” as they’re questioning her.

It’s easy to look over how Dawn’s been ignored by her guardians this entire season in an episode, where everyone actually has some legit life reasons to not hang out with her in that moment. And Dawn’s been understanding of that as much as possible, but it also hurt her, and she’s been quietly acting out for a while. Without anyone even noticing.

The whole part of her stealing a leather jacket as Buffy’s birthday gift might as well be just her holding up a neon sign saying “PLEASE NOTICE THAT I NEED HELP”. I also loved the visual when she put on the jacket, almost as if she wanted to feel closer to her sister, wearing the types of clothes she’d have.

So yeah. I find it important to see Dawn’s attitude here as the product of a pattern, and a gradual process. Plus, it didn’t really help that everyone kept talking about how they all had “much better things to do” in front of her for a large chunk of the episode. I flinched with Dawn each time that happened, not even gonna lie.

It’s also not like Dawn was aware that she had anything to do with the whole thing. She just felt lonely and ignored. And before people realized that they couldn’t leave, she mostly had a good time too.

You know who else had a great time in the first half of this episode? Tara. Especially as she was annoying Spike.

Well, alright, maybe I’m also just projecting my own delight about those scenes, but can you blame me? First she made a comment while looking at Spike directly about how the guy Xander and Anya brought to set up with Buffy was cute (“I mean, I’m not a very good judge, but I think he seemed cute”), then when she caught him trying to make a move on Buffy, she called out his lame excuse (“A muscle cramp… in your pants?”), and later on when Spike was making innuendos at Buffy again, she shut him down by literally telling him to “put some ice on it”. Which… can I frame that moment and have it projected on my grave? It’s really quite possibly the most beautiful thing on the show ever.

Tara Maclay. Patron saint of girls in unhealthy relationships.

No wonder Buffy insisted on inviting Tara. Then again, she also bailed on Tara immediately when Willow showed up, letting Tara deal with her ex alone, like the traitor she is.

Of course, Tara’s other defining moment in the episode comes later, as she’s standing up to Anya, who’s trying to pressure Willow into doing magic.

And it’s not just Anya too. Xander joins in on the pressuring, even if he tries softening it by saying that they could help Willow recover afterwards, or whatever bullshit.

Tara stepping between Willow and Anya, and telling the latter to back off reminded me of Family a lot too. There, Tara was the one who was pressured by her family to go with them, and Willow was the one who asked her what she wanted. And then Buffy stepped between her and her family, and told them that they’d need to go through her if they wanted to take Tara – much like Tara here told Anya that she would need to go through her if she wanted to make Willow do something she didn’t want to do.

That’s a character arc coming full circle, and I love it so much.

Meanwhile, this is also just a great Anya episode. Throughout their entrapment in the house, you can see Anya’s panic growing. The scene of her and Xander outside of the room where Richard’s (Mr. ”He seems nice” Guy) bleeding to death is one of my favorites.

Xander is also pretty great here? Which might debunk my previous theory of how Xander in season 6 generally treats Anya worse than in season 5, and points more to inconsistent writing, when it comes to their relationship.

In any case, Xander is actually doing well comforting Anya, as she’s on the verge of a full-fledged panic attack, and is rambling about how they were all going to die. And then he gets immediately injured afterwards, which only adds onto Anya’s fears and anxiety.

So these are the kind of circumstances that lead us to the scene in the dining room, with Anya and Tara facing off. Two characters that usually get along well enough under normal circumstances.

And honestly? As much as that’s a great Tara moment, it’s also an amazing Anya moment.

You see, Anya’s usually brash and inconsiderate, but it’s framed in a comedic light. We rarely see this side of Anya, the one that’s brutal and cutthroat, and will fight tooth and nail when she’s cornered.

Like, the part that reminds you that she’s been a vengeance demon for 1000 years?

The Anya in this episode isn’t trying to play nice. Her words are real and blunt in a way they haven’t been allowed to be in a while. It even allows the next scene, where she’s going through Dawn’s stuff and finds the stolen items from the Magic Box, to be injected with that same kind of honesty.

She’s afraid, angry, confused and hurt throughout the episode, and for once it’s not portrayed as a comic relief.

I love that.

Oh, and her exhaustion with Hallie by the end is just the cherry on top.

I love this episode. A memorable, simple premise with great character moments. I’m sold.