#this stream did so much psychic damage

[blusoups]

WAIT SINCE C!WILBUR IS FROM UTAH THAT MEANS HE A) HAS BEEN FAKING AN ACCENT B) C!PHIL IS ALSO FROM UTAH, AND C) WILBUR BROKE ONE OF THE ONLY RULES IN LMANBURG OF NO AMERICANS

[eldritchamy]

me looking at a dragon design where its head is just the skull of a crocodile at the end of an elongated neck:

OKAY BUT SEE, without the enormous lump of muscle that sits around the back of their head, just the basic physics of how their jaw leverage works means its bite force would be extremely weak, the way you’ve fit this onto the body means you’re assuming the jaw muscles only occupy the space available INSIDE the skull anatomy and this is less threatening to me than if you had put a different skull on your dragon or honestly just given me a regular crocodile which is already nature’s most terrifying predator but like the art is cool though

[grigori77]

The Mighty Nein: Echoes of the Solstice (Live Show from Mo-fucking WEMBLEY!)

Ah, a hype man ... okay then ...

My ... he's quite salty really, isn't he?

"All the bar staff are like: What team is this? I don't know, but none of them make eye-contact."

He's got a point, we are better at swearing ...

"In this country, the sentence: I twatted the twat in the twat ... makes perfect grammatical sense!"

Ah yes, the first ĺive show since the Pandemic ...

Oh, here we go ...

Fuck me, look at that FUCKING CROWD ... O.O

Ye gods, Ashley what the fuck are you doing to us AGAIN?!!! Bloody hell ... then Liam ... and Taliesin? Look at that SWAG!!! MARISHA!!! Incredible ... Laura! Wow ... that's like ... AND Travis ... basically Jester and Fjord in the flesh ... just a shame Laura's not blue ...

And then we we have SAM FUCKING RIEGEL ... never misses an opportunity, does he?

Matt's going nuts and I don't blame him ...

Ah yes ... what fresh hell is Riegel gonna unleash upon us THIS TIME? The audience are ahead of us already ... oh gods ... no, you really AREN'T Freddie Mercury, mate ...

Bloody hell ... that actually WORKED ... I'm extremely surprised ...

Ashley has an announcement? Blimey ... no wonder she's a little nervous ... oh, but she's getting into it already ... Nice ... and yeah, Crit Role Red Nose Day, always fun ...

Cosplayer nod! Nice! Liam: "Oh man, so many Sprinkles!"

Yay! Animated intro WITH AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION!!!

Liam: "I've had this dream!" Matt: "Thank you all so much for the trauma!"

Recap! Nice!

Oh, so they WERE just Shunted, then? Okay, so what happened then?

So we're about to find out ... where are they? Shush, sound effects problems! Blightshore? Intriguing ...

Ah, so he CAN talk ... Caleb: "It's been a while." No shit, mate!

Oh, so the magical disruption has knackered the collar too ... batter that thing off, Beau! "You know, your wife has shaved me with a greatsword, this should not be too challenging for you." Oh, NOW he's rethinking this plan? Minor Alchemy?

Sam: "No, I want her to punch you!" Liam (as Caleb): "I'm sitting right next to her, it's going to happen!"

Oh crap ... Matt, what are you saying? What the fuck is THAT shit supposed to mean?

Ah, Imogen ... Beau: "She was kind of cute." Caleb: "Don't cross the streams!"

SNAP!!! Thankfully collar not neck, at least ...

Yes! Get her to Yasha! Go! With Caduceus? Awesome ...

Hey! The Blooming Grove! They made it ... oh, this is PRETTY!!! Calliope! Awwwwww ...

BABYYYYYYYYY!!! :3 Ashley: "I touch her everywhere, make sure she's fine! Well ... maybe not EVERYWHERE ..." Caleb: "I've seen them like this when they've been apart for a few hours."

CADUCEUS!!! Yeah, boy!

Ooh! Munchies!

New armour? Sweet ... the "Oh no, I have to leave in a hurry kit"? Intriguing ...

Dream Beau can be an asshole, apparently ... Beau: "But if you felt like exploring, maybe ..." Yasha: "Oh, I didn't know that was on the table!"

Oh yeah, Veth has, like, PRIORITIES now ...

Beau's accidental kleptomania ... XD

A splinter from the Nein Heroes? Intriguing ... and they're on the ship! Yay ... docked? Oh, hey, Nicodranas! Sweet!

Good lord, what are they doing? Matt: "How did we start this so horny?"

REUNION!!! Yay!

Jester's been getting headaches from her Sending ... yeah, that's right, makes sense ...

Perception check? Oh, first roll ... Travis: "Nine!" The crowd cheers! Of course they do ...

ALL of the Assembly ... yeah ... Trent Ikithon, of course, I thought so ...

Yeah, get Veth! Yay ...

Weird dead seabeast? What is that shit?

Matt: "Interrupt MY story, why don't you?"

A Message to the Ruby ... and she has to roll a D100? Nuts ... 48? 14 points of Psychic damage? Oof ...

Yes, she COULD heal herself, but it's par for thd course, really ...

Blud! Hi!

Spooked seabeasts ... hmmm ...

The Brenatto residence ... here we go ...

VETH!!! Yay!

Veth: "The world has been turned upside down!" Beau: "What's wrong?" Veth: "I HAVE A FUCKING TEENAGER!!!"

Luc wants to be an adventurer? Of course he does ... yeah ... how old IS he? Veth: "Whatever feels right!"

Veth: "To be fair, I was drunk for most of his childhood." XD

So what's the plan?

Oh, Scrying? Yeah, try it!

I love how Jester's being do sweet about Ludinus, it's hilarious ... oh, NOW she gets it? Jester: "He's a douche, I hate him!" Yeah ...

Here we go then, go Jester ... Travis: "That's right, use the 5th Level, nothing can possibly go wrong ..."

Jester has a DICK COLLECTION now? LOL

Reminding Jester who Trent is ...

Oh hey, here's Artigan! Nice! Oh ... how rude!

Caduceus: "We're not big problem people." Jester: "Are you saying we're NOT going to push the Moon back into the sky?"

Oh wait ... is Veth NOT coming?

Jester: "Um ... the Lavish Chateau is NOT a whorehouse." Veth: "A speakeasy with benefits?"

Luc? Hi! Wow ... he's an EMO TEEN now? Interesting ...

Veth making fun of Fjord being the weakest of the Nein ...

UNCLE Caleb ... :3

Jester! DO NOT give Luc a tattoo!

Wow ... Veth REALLY IS bowing out ... that's so sad ...

Veth makes Jester take another 8 points of Psychic damage ... XD

Wow ... AWKWARD goodbye ...

To the Cobalt Soul in Rexxentrum? Okay ...

Everybody runs into the circle ... wait ... WHST THE FUCK?!!!

Luc? Seriously? Wow ... he even has a Character Sheet! He's do cute ... :3

Here we are, then ... and they've just realised they're not alone ...

Sam's doing an emo teen voice now ... I love it ... this is gonna be SO MUCH FUN ...

Are we EVER gonna learn howold he is?

Yasha: "Hit me!" Seriously?

Oh, so we're doing this ... and she CATCHES his punch ... of course she does. Adorable ...

And now he's in a huff ...

And now he's gonna try and hex Beau instead ... this really is getting funny now ... Beau: "I'll cover my eyes to make it more fair." XD

Ah ... Caleb gives him THE TALKING TO ...

Wow ... he's really good at THIS ... oh, totally working the heartstrings, definitely ...

Oh wow ... they're coming around ... oh, so they're giving CAD the deciding vote? This'll be interesting ... and he makes a good point.

Ground rules from Caleb ... as it should be ...

Caduceus casts Death Ward on Luc just to be safe ... Nice one, mate.

Ovedo? Okay ... apparently things are chaotic ... oh, this doesn't sound good ...

Matt once again using the feedback constructively ...

Ah, teenage bravado ...

Volither ... hmm, nice hair.

Aggy? Who's that?

Dark tunnel? Okay ... no, DEFINITELY not Luc in the lead ... an extra luck roll for him? Nice one, Caleb!

Oh shit ... the magic seals are DEAD. Not a good sign ...

Crap ... what the hell is THIS shit? Oh, that's fucking CREEPY ... scary monster monologue ...

Beau just closes the door on whatever the fuck THAT was ...

Oh, it's still going? He does love to go on and on ...

Hello who's this?

Wait ... a guest? Oh shit! It's Daniel! You sneaky bastard ...

A dwarf? Intriguing ... a blue kilt? Even more so ... and WINE? Hmmmm ... a bit tipsy, apparently ...

Whoa ... he bested Beau? Wow ... and then he offers her a DRINK ... of course she accepts. XD

Aggy: "Is that a little boy?" Luc: "I don't trust this guy, he looks over 30."

Luc: "Hey! Don't insult me and then explain it to me!"

Yes, Matthew, what HAS HE found?

"Unattended baggage" ... SNORT ...

See Invisibility ... oh, hello, Star Razor ...

Eldritch Blast! Yay!

Aggy HEADBUTTS the wall Fjord just attacked ... wow, and he just NUTTED a dozen open. Cute ...

Constitution check? 9? Oh, and what does THIS mean? Oh dear ...

He thinks Caduceus is a horse ... I love that ...

Daniel: "I look like a very small, short John Wick, by the way." XD

Aggy just walks RIGHT IN ... and now there's more illusory nonsense ... wait ... the Shadowhand? Ooooh ...

Ah, so ... going down, then? Hmmm ...

Oh dear, this doesn't look too good ... what now, then?

Wow .. clearly Aggy is NOT particularly bright ...

Whoops? Holy shit ... Nice dodge! He's now tumbling down the stairs and FLASHING EVERYBODY ... oh dear, what now? Another dexterity roll? NAT20!!! Nice ... he is UNSCATHED ...

Daniel: "I am just sucking the Dice Gods' dick!"

He is almost ACCIDENTALLY good at this ... oh, here we go ... CRITICAL FAIL!!! Finally ...

Oh dear, what has he gotten into now? 76 points of Force Damage? Holy fuck ... is Aggy DEAD ALREADY?!!! Fuck ... a DISINTEGRATION TRAP?!!! Shit ... so that's it? Aggy is DUST ...

Farewell, Daniel ...

Oh yes, that's right, technically he IS an Admiral ... Admiral Tusktooth. Nice ...

DO NOT let Luc check for traps ... oh yeah! Mage Hand ... and Jester Guides him too ... :3

Wow ... that's a lot of traps ...

Another magic mouth ... for the gods' sake ... he's so full of himself ...

Another door? Okay ... check for traps again ... and ANOTHER mouth ... even MATT is now acknowledging that Trent is full of himself ...

Oh you ARSEHOLE ... not cool to taunt Caleb like that ...

Ah yes, the Tower? Sweet ... yes, rest.

The Aeorian Security Cannon ... and a FLUFFERNUTTER?!!! Holy fuck ...

True Seeing ... oh dear ... now Caduceus has Beau tripping balls again ... fuck, a Nat20 for a full 27 perception ... sweet fuck ...

Athtiri Menthal ... huh?

Beau has a +16 to her Arcana? Fucking hell ...

Ashley once again Stop It-ing Sam when he sneezes. VERY LOUDLY this time, too ...

They're fighting Trent AND a thing, or Trent AS a thing ... lovely ...

Okay, so rest and regrouping, then ... back to Caleb's tower, then head out in the morning ...

Mahogany? Hmmm ... certain dirty minds, I swear ...

Okay, then ... and time for a break! Well then ...

Aaaaaah ... Welcome To Wildemount returns ... always fun ...

And we're back ... Heroes' Feast! Nice ...

Caleb has a personal talk with Luc, and gives him his Luck stone? Wow ... oh fuck, WISH?!!! Seriously? 5th Level Simulacrum ... so he's now CLONED himself ...

Yasha: "Whoa! There's no riding going on! Except on me ..."

"Beth"? Hmmmm ... typical teenage boy, clearly ...

Beau and Yasha and AT IT ... of course they do. And Fjord and Jester. Liam: "No-one more competitive than Laura Bailey."

Good night's rest ...

Beau finds TWO Calebs TWICE as insufferable ...

Luc chugs the weird Potion ... oh boy, what's this shit gonna do? Oh crap ...

Whoa ... wait, what ... oh no ... extra confidence? Oh that's not good ... crap ... Luc is DEFINITELY gonna be even more reckless now ...

Death Wards on both Luc AND Fjord, then ...

Crown of Stars? Crazy ...

Caleb 2 is now a sabertooth cat ... of course ...

And so now Caleb has come home ... group stealth check! Blessing of the Trickster to Yasha? And she doesn't even need it ... but Beau TANKS it ... at least everybody else rolls spectacular ...

Now what?

Ring of Telepathy ... and Trent is still insufferable ... and fucking NASTY with it too ...

This is just gonna be a fucking RECKONING ...

No ... Caleb, DO NOT say your fucking goodbyes right now ...

Assault of memories ... ouch ... this is just CRUEL ...

Two undead presences? Oh you fucking evil bastard ...

Jester goes in with Caleb ... Beau and Yasha go round back ...

"Uncle Deuce" ... Caduceus: "Oh, I'd forgotten about that ..."

The bastard REALLY HAS brought Caleb's parents back ... that's fucking monstrous ...

Insight check ... oh yeah, they're not right, definitely ...

Jester just goes STRAIGHT to Turn Undead ... and they BOTH fail? Fuck ... that's effective, at least ...

I'm sorry ... the house just EXPLODES?!!! Fuck ...

34 points of Fire damage? Oh wait ... no, Fjord has some protection! Nice ... just 17, then. Same for Jester, too ...

Well, they're definitely NOT his parents anymore ...

BATTLEMAP!!! YAY!!! Cue Sam's plug for Wizzkids ...

And ROLL FOR INITIATIVE!!!

Jester Invokes Duplicity! :3 Awwwww ... tiny voice Laura doing the Jester voice is adorable as she directs Matt ...

She attacks Trent with her Spiritual Weapon and HITS!!! Nice ... but it just MISSES him? WHAT?!!! Meanwhile while the duplicates scatter, she bolts out the door ...

Yasha Rages and bamfs out her wings for Radiant Soul! Nice ... charging in to get ready for attack next turn ...

Beau POWERWALKS inside ... and attacks Trent from behind ... but the punch does NOTHING?!!! Seriously, what the hell?

She attacks the dad ghoul instead ... POP POP!!! But it resists the Stun ... Flurry of BLOWS, then ... and Patient Defense.

A METEOR SWARM?!!! Seriously?

And that is just OUCH all round ... crap ... thank fuck for saves for most ... Caduceus takes THE FULL DAMAGE ... and so does Luc? Crap ... but he has Evasion? Oh, so just half, then ...

Fjord casts Hexblade's Curse on Trent, then throws FOUR Eldritch Blasts ... a miss on Trent, first misses on the dead dad, but the other 2 HIT!!! Boof-boof!

The undead back off but Beau gets an Attack of Opportunity ... daddy is FUCKED UP ...

Mind of Mercury? Nice, Beau! And she gets the first HDYWTDT! On the dad ... oh dear ... well, it's a mercy, really ...

Rapid Cast of Chain Lightning from Trent ... oh no, Caleb just Counterspells ... but he can't actually see him, so it misses? Ow ...

Shit ... Caleb is DOWN ...

Caleb 2 turns into a T-Rex! Okay then!

Death Save 1 fails? Oof ...

Luc casts See Invisibility ... Trent is ACTUALLY hiding behind the tree ... Laura: "Like a little bitch!"

Caduceus casts Mass Heal ... 100 each? Holy fuck ... that is all round a SWEET FUCKING SAVE!!!

Jester runs to find Trent ... Fortune's Favour? Nice ... something that doesn't need line of sight? So she just casts Anti-Magic Field his magic! Nice ... that's it, he's now REVEALED!!!

Yasha charges in best she can ... but she can't attack now ... crap ... so she just casts Zealous Presence and YELLS in his face while flowering everybody else ...

Beau charges in too and just SWINGS for him with her staff ... and TANKS the attack roll! Okay ... second strike ... Fortune's Favour! Oof ... Flurry of Blows! FINALLY hits ... 14 damage plus Stunning Strike ... but he shrugs it off ... then 17 and another Stunning Strike ... but he uses Legendary Resistance even though he Crit Fails ... Extract Aspects ... he's resistant to ALL magic? Interesting ...

Fuck, is he running? What is this thing? An artifact ... oh shit, is he changing? What's he doing?

Sam: "Guys, we're fighting Trent Ikithon in Wembley Stadium!"

Everybody's blasted back ...

An orb of black shadow is just growing ... and now he's just a great horrible black shadow creature ...

Whoa ... a SECOND Battlemap? Fuck ...

It's the whole town ... Trent is a FUCKING KAIJU!!! He's suckimg the life out of people and stuff ...

Hexblade's Curse! Go, Fjord!

Caleb stays prone, jnstead turns into Gelidon the Nightmare in Ivory? Whoa ... and Matt has the miniature ready! Wow ...

Caleb 2 charges in with Luc still on his Dino back ... but they keep a safe enough distance ...

Luc casts Enlarge on the T-Rex! Fuck ... Matt doesn't have a larger model for THAT ... Godzilla is now loose in the streets!

It attacks Fjord with a tendril ... Liam: "Keep your hentai out of this!"

Caduceus runs to Yasha ... Holy Weapon to her, so she has boosts to all her weaponry! Nice ...

Jester casts Gate to pull Artigan through in front of the creature. SHIT!!! And he is suitably SHOCKED by what she's got him into!

Arty casts Chain Lightning on it ... 38 points of lightning damage! Nice ...

Yasha charges in and attacks! Lots of damage maths, apparently ... 101 points of damage in ONE FUCKING HIT!!! The crowd goes wild! She attacks again! Another hit! 59 points this time! Bloody hell ...

Beau rushes in znd attacks ... Nat20! Yeah! And another hit! 19 damage, then 16! Flurry of Blows ... 20 misses? Oof ... Debilitating Damage? Oh, okay ... and now it's vulnerable to Ice Damage? Nice, Beau!

Oh fuck ... EVERYBODY takes 31 points of Necrotic damage? Ouch ... now it concentrates on Yasha ... Ire of Oblivion? Oof ... a Nat20 save? So she only takes 70 damage? Oh great ...

There's a weak spot? Okay then ...

Even Sentinel with a Nat20 doesn't stop it? Crap ...

Fjord takes 2 swipes with the Star Razor ... both hit! 42 points of damage, snd a Divine Smite for an extra 16! Nice ...

It responds with a Void Claw ... Fjord just hits the brakes and it just MISSES him ... phew!

Caleb just brings his whole dragon mass down on it and vomits ice into its face! 77 points of Ice Damage! Nice ... and he has a Frightening Presence? Okay then ...

Caleb 2-zilla bites the thing's arse ... no joy! Claw strike! Hits! 21 points, then 14!

Luc looks for the egg ... he casts Brenatto's Voltaic Bolt, then shoots the gun into the egg! 26 points of damage to the artifact! Okay ... that looks to be the sweet spot!

Caduceus prays to the Wildmother, makes the creature's ichor turn into ice ... now he can see through it to find out how it works ... he pulls out Yasha's Holy Weapon and inflicts 26 points of Radiant damage on the creature! Cool ...

Jester teams up with Arty to hold her spell with him ... Guiding Bolt with his Enhancement ... balls ... shit roll spoils the shot ... crap ...

Yasha flies up and goes RIGHT for the egg ... and misses! Agh! Reckless! Go again! Another miss! FUCK!!! Oh Fortune's Favour! Okay ... balls! That was ALMOST awesome ...

Beau RUNS UP the creature! Holy shit ... she tries go reach into the chest snd tear the egg free ... strength check! Marisha: "WITNESS ME!!! NATURAL 20!!!" The crowd EXPLODES!!!

Matt: "Beauregard Lionett, how do you want do this?" AAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!

She tears the egg free, which pulls Trent into it, throws it into Caleb's mouth, and he BITES IT TO FUCK!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!

Caleb has his vengeance at long last ... the survivors of the town applaud (as does the crowd). Nice ...

Jester congratulates Arty for saving the day ... oh flattery ... he gushes in response ... then she drags him into helping with the clean-up ...

The Calebs return to normal, Caleb sends what's left of the egg into some kind of nether realm. Then they big Luc up a bit, while still zlso grounding him.

Fuck ... Fjord just PROPOSED TO JESTER!!! AAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! Matt: "You motherfucker!" Jester OF COURSE accepts ...

Caleb's cats prepare a feast for all, and there is celebration, but only a small victory against the larger backdrop of CHAOS from the Apogee Solstice ...

And that's it! Everybody takes a bow!

Well, this was a whole hell of a lot more epic than usual ... but altogether just the AWESOME reunion we wanted. I just hope it won't be the LAST time ...

[bardic-inspo]

I’m equally intrigued in you WIPs “Dhampir Dreams” and “Memory Games” 👀✨

Thank you so much for this! 💜😊

[WIP List Ask Game]

Dhampir Dreams started as a sort of poemy stream-of-consciousness thing about Astarion being horny and thinking about how Tav's body would change if/when he got her pregnant. But because of who I am as a person, it now has a heavy helping of angst at the beginning and has turned into more of an introspective Astarion character study. I wanted to explore his thoughts on creating unlife (a vampire) vs. a new life with his love:

Astarion’s never wanted to make another vampire. In the rare moments the notion occurred to him, he shoved it to the far back shelf of his mind so as not to waste himself on an exercise in futility. What did it matter, after all, while Cazador still breathed? Still. Nothing spurs needless yearning like a choice you’re not allowed to make. More than anything, Astarion yearned to see Cazador’s blood pour. In his mind’s eye, he’d watch it pool across the floor, not unlike the way he'd seen so much clothing puddled at so many heels. The lake he’d make of Cazador would be wide enough to swallow the garments of all who’d stripped bare before him. Every sweat-soaked night Astarion found himself bound to another moldering mattress beneath someone else’s weight, rocking through the motions that left his stomach sour, he’d fill his mind with such sweet dreams as Cazador’s death. Whether Cazador would allow Astarion to drink his blood before being relieved of it varied with the fantasy. The dream changed as often as the hands on Astarion’s hips. It mattered little to him, whether Cazador’s end came with true vampirism or not. As long as he ended. 

Memory Games is a multichapter WIP featuring Ascended Astarion and Vampire Bride Tav. They're having a happy time being an evil power couple together. All of that is upended when Tav is targeted by a Modify Memory spell, resetting her memories back to pre-tadpole, before she even met Astarion. Astarion has to re-romance his spouse, explain their vampirism to her in a way that doesn't deal massive psychic damage to them both (they have a telepathic/emotional link as bride/sire), and get to the bottom of who's behind the attack.

I'm mostly in the outlining phase, but I've previewed some bits of this here and over here. Here's some random dialogue dwelling in my notes:

“You were testing my reaction,” she says, shame sinking in her gut with the rise of heat to her cheeks. “No, darling,” Astarion laughs breezily, batting her accusation away as if it were a harmless fly. “but I can’t deny I am truly delighting in it.” “You did this on purpose!” “Oh please,” Astarion sighs. “Pay me just one scrap of faith, won’t you?” “I don’t know you,” Naomi hisses. “But you want to,” he purrs, drawing another step closer while Naomi falls another back. “You want to know what it would be like. To be mine. Sweet thing, you already are. Just say the word and--” Sharpness sinks into Naomi’s palm. The glass shatters in her chokehold, crystal shards pattering across the toes of her shoes.

Astarion’s smirk only swells, the points of his fangs peering past his lips. His gaze grows heady, his whisper reverent. “Mm, Our bond may be muted, my love, but I can read every delectable crime of passion written clear as day on your face.” He leans near enough, Naomi feels the breath he doesn’t need to take tickle her ear. Cool fingers come to tuck her hair behind it. She downs a shiver with a hard swallow.  “Just remember,” he rasps, “it’s your choice to sleep alone.”

Her stomach swoops and settles around a hollow, vacant kind of ache as he leans away and leaves without another word.

[jasperakalucy]

Every time RT streams with his friends and makes dirty jokes the whole time I have to pause the video like every 3 seconds to process

The phrase “Daniel looking highly breedable today” did so much psychic damage to me

And before you ask for the clip it’s here [3:11] but this entire video is a trainwreck so like

[pokemon-card-of-the-day]

Pokemon Card of the Day #3028: Natu (Lost Thunder)

Natu filled the role of frail attacker for the Lost March deck, which was like the old Night March but was more annoying to use since it required everything to go into the Lost Zone instead of being discarded. Being a harder to use Night March didn't doom it, of course, since Night March was long gone and had been one of the top decks at its peak. Time would tell if a new format would still have trouble handling what was really a barrage of frail Pokemon.

Natu had 40 HP, which made sure that it was going to fall to a single hit from basically anything. The Psychic Weakness made silly things like Poipole and Marshadow even able to take down a Natu if the opponent wanted to. The Retreat Cost was just 1, as if it made any difference when Natu was so unlikely to survive up front. You also wanted to try to preserve most of your Energy for attacking since you likely weren't running much in this sort of deck.

Lost March was the entire focus of the deck. 2 Colorless Energy was required here, which was generally fulfilled by using a Double Colorless Energy. The attack did 20 damage for each Pokemon, not including Prism Star Pokemon, in your Lost Zone. Pokemon there couldn't be retrieved, so you did have to be careful to keep enough attackers out there. Skiploom, Trumbeak, and Lost Blender were your ways to get cards in there, and if set up quickly, you could be swinging for a ton of damage on an early turn. You generally had to do this to keep up with the fast decks running Pokemon-GX, and it was harder to pull off than the old Night March but was still doable and pretty hard to stop if you could stream Natu.

Natu was the easiest attacker to get into play in the Lost March deck, and every version of the deck ran 4 of it. It, along with Jumpluff, would aim to attack for big damage as quickly as possible, trying to win a quick Prize trade by losing a Pokemon per turn while taking down bigger things in just enough time to win a close match. This strategy did do well at a few Regionals but didn't stay near the top for very long, as the focus on the Lost Zone meant that getting the gigantic early turns was a lot harder to deal with than the old Night March ever was. It was pretty fun play, and at least held its own in the SUM-On format for a while, so it was something good for casual play without being a safe win for the top decks in the format.

[weed-ols]

Reviewing Every UKISS Release: By Unpopular Demand ~ New Generation

Oh the great psychic damage I've inflicted on myself to do this. I was so excited, thinking about how this would let me gush about Bran New Kiss or Inside of Me, but unfortunately, I must start at the dreaded beginning: New Generation.

I will admit that this wasn't as bad as I expected. There was a lot of cringing, a lot of "oh baby what are you doing?" being whispered, but not the total trainwreck I had built up in my head. To be totally honest, I think that these two songs could've been pretty decent with better packaging and fully embracing the campiness, but I digress.

Just for funsies, I've also noted the YouTube and Spotify streams (if applicable) from the day I did the review. Dunno what to make of it yet, but I'm sure it'll be interesting.

(Also I like how I slowly become more and more unhinged as I type this review out.)

New Generation - 1st Mini Album | 2008.09.03

So I was already listening to Kpop around this time, but like most people, paid like zero attention to this because I liked the bigger and more popular and better packaged boy groups at the time. I was also just developing my logical reasoning when this came out, so I don't really remember much about this. No idea what the general feel/reception for this was, and I think the first time I listened to this was probably late 2009 after ManManHaNi, and somehow I remember really liking this at the time.

Obviously, time soured my opinion of this mini album, but now as an adult with a mostly functioning prefrontal cortex, I can say I don't really hate it? I hate the packaging of this mini album, but it's oddly endearing in how poorly it's aged.

Another thing I noticed while going back over this is how hard Soohyun, Kevin, and even Kibum carry in these first two releases. I'm not knocking on the others, and it makes sense since Soohyun had been a trainee the longest under some bigger companies, while Kevin and Kibum had both already debuted. They just seem a lot more polished in all aspects, and a lot more committed to the cheesiness. I'm probably not gonna rank them for later releases, but for this one, I think I'd put them as Kevin > Soohyun >> Kibum >>> Dongho > Eli/Xander.

While I don't have my personal rankings of them from that time (based solely off of how much I liked them, irrespective of ability, commitment, etc), I think based off of how I viewed them in 2009, it would be probably Dongho > Kibum > Xander/Kevin > Soohyun/Eli. Yeah, I was a delusional kid who had a crush on Dongho since he was closest in age to me, Kibum and Kevin were both flower boys and good dancers, while Xander was a fellow Canto speaker with an accent I could understand, plus he was funny. Soohyun and Eli were really victims of poor styling at the time, but who wasn't?

Now onto the actual songs -

Intro (Pump Pump) | YouTube Music 10k | Spotify 3.4k

I actually kinda really like this?

Catchy, more mature than Not Young, but also not inappropriately so, and it's got a cute cheeky and fun vibe?

If they turned this into the title track, maybe they would've had a fighting chance in the bloodbath that was 2008 boy group debuts

Not Kevin and Soohyun actually being able to show off their singing here more than in the actual album songs

There's like a random gunshot(?) sound and I don't really understand it

The Kibum-Kevin-Soohyun verse is kinda interesting, and by interesting, I mean it feels like they did Kibum dirty by drawing that comparison, but like also there's no other way to structure it since he is their next best vocalist

Common UKISS intro W I don't think I've ever disliked any of their intros 7.75/10

Not Young (Audio) | YouTube Music 367k | Spotify 132k

The opening quite literally gives me psychic damage, while also making me coo like an affectionate auntie watching her stupid nephews do dumb shit

Kevin's voice unsurprisingly suits this very well, that honey-like voice was made for this kind of cheese, and boy is he hard carrying

Soohyun, bless his heart, is kind of both actively ruining and saving this song

Like he's hard carrying too, and that "You gonna be my lady, yoohoo~" actually goes so hard, but his voice just sounds...way too mature for this

Which makes me wonder if this was a directional problem, or if he just wasn't able to do it at this time because he nails this concept 7 years later for Action (spoiler I guess)

Really love that first prechorus, I don't know what it is, but that Kibum-Soohyun-Kevin buildup really works well

Lyrically, I think the YT comments actually sum it up for me - "We're the new kids on this block" vs. "Stop treating us like kids" - which is it make up your minds

Also shoutout for being their first and only noona-chasing song they really never revisited this concept ever again

Really funny that Dongho is the only one at the right age to make this concept work (and maybe Eli and Kevin too, possibly Kibum if we're being generous) but he gets like 3 lines

I also found a super old live radio version of this song from their promotional period, and yes it's in the crunchiest potato quality imaginable, but it was insightful

Soohyun and Kevin sound great as always, Kibum's voice actually felt much stronger than in the actual song or in music shows, and the rap line was there

Hard carried by Soohyun and Kevin, Kibum did his job, Dongho was there, and RIP to Eli and Xander for that awful last verse (80% not their fault)

6.5/10, needs more commitment to being cheesy and to not the title track

Not Young (MV) | Fan upload 703k

You know, I feel a lot of my bad feelings for the song come from the MV

Like the psychic damage this video inflicts should be studied

Love the fact there's no official MV uploaded so there's only a crunchy fan upload to watch

I actually don't know if this is the same upload I watched back in the day, but the date doesn't seem to line up?

Anyway, crunchy potato quality is completely on brand, YouTube is telling me it's 480p but this feels like 240p at best

The stupid Windows Movie Maker transitions are taking me out

So like we all know NH is a broke ass bitch, so I wanna know if this is actually like a member's house, a staff member's house, or if they just rented it

Dongho's mom's hair is like peak Asian Mom hair like I knew so many women with that exact hairstyle, and not the skin-toned lipstick everyone wore back then

Kevin's hair and outfit are peak 'flower-boy-wannabe-bad-boy' like we all thought that hair was soooo hot, and you were either drowning in your own clothes or cutting off your circulation with no middle ground, and this was a cross-cultural phenomenon

Honestly, I feel like you could just go to a local school and see a bunch of boys dressed like this

Xander's Ronald McDonald hair I'm so sorry you had to go through that

The High School Musical-esque dance scenes have me in tears like those basketball jerseys are so goofy and Kevin's legs are lost in the fabric

Flower boy haircuts from this time are like basically the precursor to Karen cuts *cue Abby Lee Miller voice "she's got a really cool and trendy haircut it's like long in the front and short in the back"

Also his eyebrows from this time are tragic, those were dark dark times

This was also a peak fashion look for us girls back then, and you know what, it's still kinda cute

This was so serious for them I'm crying

I still don't quite understand this part

RANDOM PRE-DEBUT KISEOP CAMEO!!!!! I don't remember if he was on set because he was covering for his friend, or if his friend invited him to be an extra, but I just love that he's technically been there from the start

Is he supposed to be the antagonist of the MV? Like I get the plot is they're trying to impress their noona and whatever but like is he supposed to be her boyfriend or something, and they're gonna beat his ass in basketball to win her over???

If that's the plot, they need to get Kevin off their team that boy cannot run

No comment on Dongho's hair that's just tragic

But this whole scene takes me out like this is peak comedy

Why is Kevin perched on the bench like that, why are Dongho and Soohyun sitting on the floor and why is Soohyun grinning like a maniac, is Eli okay???

You may not like it, but this is peak male performance

This frame is a work of art

So so serious for them, I can taste the cheese

This is honestly so confusing I don't get it, but I guess I'm not galaxy-brained enough. Like did they not have enough footage or something? Is there a scene change quota they had to meet or what?

I love that every single part of this MV can be carbon dated, and not one bit aged well, and I just think that's so iconic

So I've come up with two different ratings for this MV

12/10 if you take this completely unseriously like this is so funny, so poorly aged, so cringe, it's amazing. Even while cringing, I still had fun

3.5/10 if you take this seriously, like wtf was NH thinking (spoiler, they were not)? Like even when I first watched this as a kid (and within their target age demographic!!! I, a young elementary school girl who was entrenched in East Asian media and came from a similar cultural background!!!!) it was pretty cringe. I'm giving it pity points because Soohyun was so committed to this and the funny Kiseop cameo.

Honestly, I feel like you could just go to a local school and see a bunch of boys dressed like thispoorly aged, so cringe, it's amazing. Even while cringing, I still had fun

3.5/10 if you take this seriously, like wtf was NH thinking (spoiler, they were not)? Like even when I first watched this as a kid (and within their target age demographic!!! I, a young elementary school girl who was entrenched in East Asian media and came from a similar cultural background!!!!) it was pretty cringe. I'm giving it pity points because Soohyun was so committed to this and the funny Kiseop cameo.

Not Young (Stages) | Highest viewed 191k Music Core

Again, I never watched these when they first came out, and I also don't think I watched any of these very much prior to doing this

Not gonna talk about their actual debut stage because that's like 8 pixels total

Also not doing all of their stages, just Music Core because it's actually in really good quality

Look at those fits that was peak fashion in 2008

Dongho's silly little cardigan and bowtie, Kevin's goofy polka dot sweater vest, Soohyun with the plaid vest and random sweatband, Kibum with a random tie, Eli wearing a hoodie I swear every boy had it's a real time capsule

Yeah, I'm grabbing screencaps on mute I'm not subjecting myself to this psychic damage

The multiple bracelets is so real that was such look back then

I remember I used to collect those cheap rubber bracelets to try to recreate that look

This is such an unserious part of the choreo but I will admit it's very cute in a stupid way

Also, all I can think of is the other members talking about how they think his hands are freakish and alien-like, and I think that's just foul of them, but also not undeserved considering how snarky Kevin was in those early days

Oh Soohyun, I'm so sorry they did you dirty like this

Like it's incredible how he de-ages himself a few years later when he gets decent hair and styling

And he was so committed to this like he's literally beaming while everyone else is just smiling

He also winked right before this Soohyun is the cutest I swear

Eli's comically large chain

The dance is cute, but also insanely cringy because they're kind of taking it too seriously and not as full-on campy cheese

Like I said before, Soohyun, Kevin, and Kibum really stand out here as being much more polished and cleaner in their dancing, are clearly committed to the character, and have a good eye for the camera

Dongho is also a standout because wow I forgot he had that je ne sais quoi stage presence

There's a lot of moments where the dancing doesn't quite sync up, and I think it's fairly obvious that they're still very new as a group

They have backup dancers, though not in this particular stage, but I think they had them for their actual debut stage and Music Bank

So I lied, let's check out the Music Bank stage

This actually is from before the Music Core stage (MuCore is listed as 2008.09.27, while the MuBank is supposedly from 2008.09.12)

I didn;t mention this before, but I'm fairly certain the MuCore stage is lipsynced, but the MuBank stage is definitely live

Terrible quality pic, but these were some other peak 2008 fits

I knew so many guys who had Kevin's hoodie

And not Soohyun's trash bag jacket

Soohyun and Kevin are already very good and stable at singing live and making it seem easy, while Kibum definitely struggles a bit

Honestly, I wonder if NH invested in more singing lessons for him, if Kibum could've ended up where Kiseop is now - a solid subvocalist who can also hold his own and step up to being a vocalist

I just watched this dude pull his shirt up over his head for this and no, I don't understand this part of the choreo

I don't really know much about rapping and don't have many particular thoughts on it, but Xander and Eli can be heard clearly, so that's a good thing, right?

Honestly, just ranking both of these stages as 4.5/10

MuCore stage was in better camera quality, sharper and more coordinated group dancing, but probably lipsynced and no funny backup dancers

MuBank is like 360p max and kind of a mess, but I always love hearing Soohyun and Kevin singing live, and there are funny backup dancers

Give It To Me (Audio) | YouTube Music 43k | Spotify 7.9k

I honestly had zero recollection of this song at all

So if Not Young is borderline age inappropriate for being too immature, Give It To Me swings wildly in the opposite direction and teeters into being too mature

Xander, Soohyun, and arguably Kibum are old enough for this song, while Dongho is way too young, and Eli and Kevin are either barely old enough or still young (my personal opinion, based off of some of the lyrics, but the stage of this song is actually fine)

Honestly should've been the title track, they 100% would have had a fighting chance at debut and be remembered as either 'cool new rookie group' or 'wildly inappropriate rookie group', but both are better than 'cringe rookie group'

This is like a proto-Quintessential UKISS™ song - dance beat, Soohyun doing adlibs like rent's due, Eli dropping horrifically funny one liners, and the singing dominating the rapping in all aspects

Now if only this song was a "baby I love you even though you cheated on me pls come back" song

Hard carried by Soohyun and Kevin, who are both surprisingly singing lower than what they usually do, and also do not have a shouting match at any of the song (!!!)

Does that count as early installment weirdness?

Special shoutout to Kibum who actually sounds really good for his two lines. Dunno if his voice just suits this kind of song, or if this is just a more comfortable range for him, but he sounds much better here

Another special shoutout to Dongho for having no lines, you're doing amazing sweatie <3

"And u're so tight" Eli why did you say it like that

"My boo" #1

"Shorty/shawty/whatever tf they say" #1

Does this count as a UKISS Sex Song? Feels gross typing that out, but like looking at the lyrics, I think it does?

UKISS Sex Song #1

6.75/10, knocked off points for being age inappropriate, Eli's rancid one liner (which did make me laugh), and the terrible lyrics in the rapping

Give It To Me (Stage) | Fan upload 15k

I had no idea they did a stage for this

Also, why is this actually better than Not Young?

Love the black/white/gold scheme going on

Also, these are peak Bad Boy circa 2008 looks I would've gone crazy for these guys back then

The trashbag bootcut pants, the random embellishments, the fingerless gloves, Xander rocking the shirt tied around the waist, whatever the heck Eli's accessories are, and the tragic and dramatic 2008 hair? I would've honestly lost my shit

Wait oh my god those aren't bootcut pants those are skinny pants with leg warmers oh my goddddd iconic

So are these the same gloves from Tick Tack? Also Eli wtf is that on your neck???

It's hard to tell if this is sung live or not, but what I do know is Soohyun is making his singing expressions, so I think it's live, with slightly off audio? It's hard to tell honestly, maybe the mics were bad?

Why was this not their actual debut? This is literally what was considered so 2008 cool, the outfits were peak bad boy fashion, and the choreo is very much a product of its time (not derogatory)

Also got a good chuckle with Soohyun being the centre for the dance break while flanked by Kevin and Kibum, it's what he deserves

7.75/10 much better than Not Young in terms of dancing and coordination (makes sense, this is dated 2008.11.06), the outfits are 2008 stylish, and they all seem so much more comfortable with this?

That concludes this review of New Generation. You know, there were a lot of emotions going through this, a lot of "why does NH not think?" and "oh my god sweetie, I'm so sorry they did this to you", and "what were we all smoking back in 2008 to consider this cool?", but I think I had fun while doing this.

I have most of the notes for Bring It Back2 Old School written out, so now it's just a matter of editing and collecting screenshots, which honestly pains me to think about. If New Generation was a dark time in UKISS history, Bring It Back2 Old School is purgatory.

So fun bonus fun fact, if you've made it to the end:

I don't know how many people know this since I also found this out not too long ago while digging around, but XING, the old group that Kevin and Kibum were a part of was an absolute disaster in like every possible way. I got some of this info in English, and the rest in a bad KR-EN translation (so possibly inaccurate), but apparently the XING CEO was actually a former SM CEO who worked there around 2000-2003ish before getting ousted by the board of directors, and was responsible in part for the famous slave contracts.

So out of spite, said CEO took a bunch of SM-affiliated trainees (from my understanding, they were sort of on a shortlist to get into SM) and founded his own company to compete with SM with these new trainees and his new boy group. XING was an absolute disaster for only being around for 4 years with 5 different lineups and 18 total members having been involved. Kevin and Kibum were part of the original lineup, but Kibum bailed after a few months with the excuse of 'focusing on his education', while Kevin stayed long enough to go from maknae to leader, before dipping after the third lineup (also, according to the article I read, he was the CEO's favourite because he thought he had star potential lol). A bunch of the guys who left sued the company around 2008-2009, and got their contracts terminated.

It's hard to understand what the contracts said exactly because of the shitty translation, but it was something like exclusive 10 year contract that will be extended if a member takes personal breaks, goes to school, enlists in military, and/or goes on health leave and profits would only be paid out in fixed amounts after selling 500k (or 250k I can't remember but it was some crazy amount) units (unclear if this means total albums, or just for one release).

Apparently in 2010ish, the CEO was talking about having a 'XING family reunion concert' and asked all the guys about it and got left on read, so then he finally let the name die and moved on to terrorizing more boys (no for real, he allegedly threw a bottle of alcohol at one of the XING guys when he told him about wanting to leave).

[stardustbarbarians]

Cirice

Chapter 1 (ch. 2)

A Daniel Wagner / fem!reader series

Summary: You wanna deal with The Devil? You gotta live with it when he sets you on fire.

Tags: Demon!Daniel, angst, Catholic imagery, humor

Trigger Warnings: Injury, hospitals, blood

A/N: Big shout out to @t00turnttrauma for helping me out with this fic as well as just genuinely being one of my favorite people <3. Also dedicating this to @samkooszka and I hope this makes your day better after working in hell all day. Title taken from Ghost’s Cirice. This will be a pretty dark fic, but more along the lines of a dark comedy. That being said, I'm so sorry Jakey. Anyway, please enjoy!!

Words: 3.8 k

+++

It had been a normal day… 

That’s how these stories typically are meant to start, right? That everything was normal and peachy keen and then on a dime the world shifted beneath us all like a magnitude 9 earthquake? Well, while the earth did feel like it was collapsing around us that day, it was far from normal… 

“Someone call 911!!” came Josh’s frantic scream as he raced over to his twin, all but ripping the seatbelt off of himself. Jake’s wails of pain rang throughout the warehouse of the racing strip, everyone freezing as the reality of the situation hadn’t fully set in. 

You sat on the side of the track and watched as Josh struggled to free Jake from the rolled over go kart he was pinned under. You couldn’t move. You didn’t know how to in that moment. 

“For the love of god, help me!!” At Josh’s desperate plea, Danny and Sam finally left their karts and assisted in rolling Jake’s kart back to its upright position. They all gasped as they saw Jake’s left hand, all disfigured and already bruising. It had been pinned under the kart, all 170 lbs of it - not including Jake’s own body weight. 

Tears were streaming down the guitarist’s cheeks as he tried to move it, unwilling to see the damage as he pinched his eyes shut. That was the most painful part of the entire experience. Jake already knew something was wrong long before anyone else. 

He had been rushed to the hospital as soon as the ambulance arrived, Josh riding along with him in the emergency vehicle. You, Danny, and Sam all drove together to the emergency room. It had been dead silent in that car. The only noise that could be heard was the occasional sniffle from one of you three. 

When you finally arrived, Josh was pacing in the waiting room. Upon spotting you, he threw his arms around you and cried. He informed you that Jake had been rushed into emergency surgery in order to try and set his broken bones. You could feel your heart sink and your blood run cold as the information sank in. Not knowing what to say in order to comfort one of your best friends, you simply wrapped your arms around him tighter and let him sob into your shoulder. 

It had seemed like an eternity while all four of you waited to hear any word about Jake. You watched as the boys all slowly unraveled around you, all going through the varying stages of grief. It didn’t take a psychic to know what they were all three were thinking about. Sam was pacing back and forth and gouging a rut into the floor, his brow never unfurrowing and making him look older than he was. Daniel wouldn’t stop shifting in his seat, often being the one to go up and ask the front desk about any updates on Jake. Josh sat completely motionless in his chair as the grief and worry over his twin paralyzed him.

Finally, after hours of agonizing worry, one of the surgeons came out to tell them that the surgery was a success and that he was asking for them. Josh immediately ran to Jake’s room as soon as he heard the number, everyone else following behind. You walked in to see a weak and pale Jake hooked up to machines, gazing tearfully at his twin brother talking to him. You felt as if you wanted to throw up seeing him like that. It was wrong, Jake had always been so lively and vivacious and now he was struggling to keep a neutral face. No matter how much he tried to school his lips out of a grimace, you could see the anger burning fiercely in his eyes. 

“Hey, Jakey,” you tenderly greet, very sheepishly slipping into the room and in front of his view. His gaze moved over to you, the unfettered rage pinning you in place before he blinked it away. Those beautiful brown eyes returned to normal, looking pained and tired more than angry anymore. 

He looked over to see Danny and Sam huddled to the left side of him. It was clear they were trying to not look too obviously at his bandaged hand. “Welcome to my humble abode for the time being, glad you all got my invitations.” 

It felt inappropriate to laugh, but you knew it would make him feel better. He sent you a small smile at the sound of your giggling. 

“So, what’s the news? How are you doing?” Sammy asked, his voice breaking with concern. 

“Well, my bones are all set. They said that the bones need to heal properly before they can go in and put in the pins, which will take a month to a month and a half. And then I’ll have to recover from that surgery before I can even start physical therapy,” Jake explained, his voice gaining more and more bitterness to it as he continued. 

The room went silent, save for the beeping of machines and rustling of commotion out in the hallway. There was a clear elephant in the room that refused to be addressed, but it suffocated each and every one of you. 

With a sigh, Jake was the one to speak again. “Fine. Since no one else is willing to address it, I will. We’ve gotta go on hiatus.” 

It was as if Jake had fired off a gun with how everyone else reacted. The other four in the room had all recoiled at the notion, their brows knit with concern and confusion. All four had tried to speak at once, cooing out denials and suggestions other than the obvious. 

“Guys, we can’t fucking have a rock band when the guitarist can’t move his hand!” Jake shouted, clearly impatient with their sympathy. He didn’t want to be coddled, he wanted to face reality. 

“Jake, are you sure? We can just pause the tour and-” 

“Daniel, with all due respect, shut the fuck up. We have no idea how long it will take for me to get back my strength - or if I’ll ever be able to play again.” 

And there it was. The elephant had finally trumpeted loud enough to gain the attention of the room. It would no longer be ignored. 

It was as if all the air had been sucked out of the room, everyone afraid to even breathe. You watched as Jake tried to fight his tears, anger and heartbreak flooding his eyes as he came face to face with the reality that his dream had been cut tragically short. He had come so far only to lose it all in a matter of a second. 

“Alright. We’ll talk to our team,” Sam offered, grabbing Daniel by the arm and walking out of the room. 

You had gone to say something to offer your sympathy, but the moment you looked into Jake’s eyes you bit your tongue. He didn’t want sympathy. All he wanted was his hand back - his dream life back. He also wanted to be left alone from the way he seemed to plead silently with you. 

“C’mon Josh, let’s go get something to eat.” Grabbing the singer by the hand, you led him out of the room in order to grant Jake’s silent wish. Before you left, you glanced back towards the guitarist to catch a glimpse of tears rolling down his face. With your heart cracked, you closed the door behind you. 

+++

The car was silent as you drove Jake back to his house, the air so thick with tension that you felt as if you were being smothered. Jake refused to look in your direction, his gaze remaining locked on the shapes passing by the window. Despite the music filtering through the speakers, it was completely tense. 

“So, how’d physical therapy go-”

“It was fine.” Jake’s reply was stiff and curt. That anger filled his tone that seemed to have been there for months. Ever since the accident, he was always angry. You suppose he had a right to be, but also you were running out of patience. 

“Really? Because you don’t seem fine,” you snap, growing tired of his attitude. 

“Fine. You really wanna know so fucking bad?! I’m making absolutely no progress and the PT said it’s unlikely I’ll ever be able to play like I used to! That’s how it’s going!!” His voice made your ears ring from how loud he was shouting. 

You quickly glanced away from the road to look at your best friend, his eyes brimming with tears as his face was red with anger. You felt your blood grow frigid at the news, Jake clearly not really ready to talk about it quite yet but you pushed him to. 

“My career is over, y/n!! That dream I’ve had since I was a baby is fucking dead!!” Jake raved, his voice cracking under the weight of his despair. Your chest ached at the pain in his tone, your own eyes welling up with tears as the meaning of his words sank in. He was right. His dream was shattered; he lost it right when he started to believe that he made it. 

It was that moment - seeing Jake’s complete hopelessness - that you vowed that you would do whatever it took to get Jake's dream back. You refused to sit by and let the cruel hand of fate destroy that light inside the eyes of someone you loved. Reaching across the center console, you gently wrapped your hand around Jake’s wrist. You then brought his hand up to your lips, kissing the back of it. 

“It will get better, Jakey. You’ve just gotta believe me,” you forecasted, already having a plan in mind. You knew it was stupid and dangerous and probably wouldn’t even work, but you had to try. 

+++

Feeling like a teenager rebelling against your parents once again, you scoured your book collection from high school. You knew it was in here somewhere, but the question was which book. You remember storing those pages you ripped out of library books in one of your books that you never really read as a teenager, but your memory had faded since the time you were fifteen. That meant you had to flip through every single one of your books and hope that you hadn’t donated the one you were looking for. Finally, you reached the start of your Stephen King novels. You grabbed your copy of Carrie, quickly flipping through the pages when loose paper fluttered to the floor near your feet where you had crossed your legs. Setting the book aside while also rolling your eyes at your own actions, you picked up the pages and unfolded them. 

Of course I hid them in Carrie

Holding the familiar paper in your hands, you flipped through the loose leafs of pages and read through the slightly faded words and symbols. Your memory was jogged with reading through these very same pages under your covers, using a small pen light to be able to see them. Of course, back then you had no intentions of ever putting this knowledge into practice. You had merely read them as an act of defiance to your parents forcing you to be raised catholic. 

However, seeing all those satanic symbols staring you right in the face once more knowing full well you were about to wield the spells they contained, that same terror that had been instilled in you since birth had sprung forth from your bones and into your bloodstream. Gulping and closing your eyes, you forced yourself to calm down. There was no use in indulging in your religious trauma when there was no guarantee that any of this satanic stuff was real. 

Getting to your feet, you left your attic and read through the ingredients you needed for the spell. Chicken feet, gold candles, pig’s blood, bloodstone, chalk, dried hyssop, three crow feathers, and a snake skull. The candles, chicken feet, bloodstone, chalk, and pig’s blood you’d be able to get fairly easily - there was a butcher’s shop about five minutes away as well as a wiccan store down the road. The other stuff would have to be ordered online unless by some miracle the wiccan shop had them. You decided to call ahead, facing down your phone anxiety for Cob; he better be fucking thankful after all you’re going through. 

Thankfully, the wiccan shop had just what you needed as well as the butcher’s. So, it seemed that you would be conducting the ritual tonight. A stab of fear lanced through your chest as you realized what that meant. If this turned out to be a real spell, there would be a real, live demon in your house. And you would make a deal with it. 

+++

You had gathered all that you needed for the summoning. Now you just had to follow the instructions on the page. Taking the chalk, you drew the symbol on the page onto the cement of your basement floor. It was not nearly as neat as the printed one, but it was close enough that wouldn’t cause any confusion. Next, you took the wooden bowl filled with pig’s blood - your salad bowl, ironically - and crushed the dried hyssop into the crimson liquid and mixed it in. 

Taking the bloodstone, you submerge it in the blood, wincing at the feeling. You had intentionally let it sit out so that it would be room temperature and not cold; you don’t think you would’ve been able to stomach it cold. Placing the stone in the center of the symbol, you then set the snake’s skull atop the coated bloodstone. Next, taking a chicken’s foot, you dip the largest toe in the blood and draw another symbol inside the large one while chanting in Latin, setting the foot atop the symbol you drew. You repeated that two more times before completing the set up by placing the crow feathers so that they connect each foot towards the skull and the stone. 

Before the last step in the process, you lit the candles and set them around the large symbol. Closing your eyes, you then reached for the pocket knife you had laying by your leg. Unsheathing the blade with a press of a button, your hand shook as you double-checked the next step. You had read it correctly: you needed your own blood. Taking a deep breath, you closed your eyes as you dragged the sharp blade across your palm. Your entire hand stung as you set the knife off to the side, dipping the fingers of your free hand into your blood. You once again began chanting in Latin as you drew the same symbol you used for the chicken feet onto the skull. With that final step, the incantation was complete. 

Having thought ahead, you grabbed the gause you brought and wrapped your bleeding palm with it. Disappointment flooded your system as the seconds passed as nothing happened. You had half hoped that it would work so that your effort was not wasted, but it seemed that all your parents’ worrying about demonic forces was for naught; it didn’t even fucking exist and you just proved it. They had feared a boogie man all their life that was as harmful as their shadow. 

With a sigh, you begin cleaning up the mess you made on your floor. You were so thankful that you hadn’t been holding the bowl of pig’s blood when you heard a voice behind you; it would’ve gone flying. 

“Well, I haven’t seen this spell used in years,” a female voice chimed, causing you to yelp and drop the pocket knife you just thankfully closed. 

Spinning around you come face to face with a stunning woman that made your heart pound. She had long sandy blonde hair styled in the style of a 50s bombshell starlet, her winged eyeliner and scarlet lips adding to that appearance. Keeping with the red theme, she wore a bright red low cut mermaid dress with a lace bodice. Red opera gloves painted her arms as well as sparkling diamond bangles. She was a total knockout, her eyes smoldering and seductive. Her smile was enrapturing, even the smallest curve at the corner of her lips was enough to make your heart beat out of your chest like a Looney Tunes cartoon. 

“Uh-” you clear your throat after your voice breaks, “who are you and how did you get here?” 

The woman smiled, your breath getting caught in your throat. She then chuckled amusedly, taking a few steps towards you. “You summoned me here, darling.” 

She had a very subtle but enticing rasp to her voice. It made you want to pay attention to everything she said, but it also was so distracting that it caused you to lose focus on the actual words. 

“I…did?” 

With a deep but annoyed sigh, the woman rolled her eyes. With a blink of her eyes, they turned completely blood red. You stumbled back at the sight, wholly unprepared to see such a thing. 

“Believe me now, sweetheart?” Her tone was purely condescending, but you didn’t seem to mind all that much. You shook your head yes; you knew she wasn’t human. 

“S-So… Miss Demon- do I call you that?” you nervously ask, very afraid of making her mad. 

“Haley is fine, darling,” the demon - Haley - corrected, adjusting her hair by fluffing it at the end a little. 

“Ok…” 

“Well, let’s get to business,” she prompted, blinking and turning her eyes back to their normal brown. 

“Right,” you tucked your hair behind your ear, feeling very underdressed in Haley’s presence despite the fact you were standing in your own dingy basement. 

“I don’t have all night, sweetheart. Spit it out!” 

Her yelling snapped you into action, remembering why you had summoned her in the first place. “I need you to fix Jake Kiszka’s hand and make it work how it did before his accident.” 

“Well, you certainly have expensive taste,” Haley commented, that seductive tone back in her words and features. You didn’t like the way her eyes glittered with mischief as she looked you up and down. 

“What do you mean ‘expensive taste’?” 

“Not every demon deal requires a soul, baby. I thought you would’ve known that considering your teenage rebellion phase and reading up on demons,” she slightly taunted, a laugh in her tone. If she weren’t so goddamn beautiful you would’ve been really annoyed by her. 

“But… this one does? Why? It’s just Jakey’s hand-” 

“The hand of one of history’s greatest guitar players, darling. Don’t think I don’t know exactly who you’re bargaining for. Got a bleeding heart for your little boy toy, huh?” She took another step closer to you, her stilettos clicking against the concrete. 

With a heavy sigh, you grit your teeth against the annoyance you were feeling towards the demon. “Alright, you can have my soul for Jake’s hand-” 

“Oh, sweetheart, that’s very noble of you, but you’re already hell bound. I need a soul that’s taking the stairway, not the highway,” she interrupted, adjusting her hair once again. She had a brilliantly charming smile across her face, her teeth perfectly white. Her laugh, while slightly belittling, managed to pull you back in. 

“Hell bound??” That was certainly news to you. 

“Darling, you’ve broken four of the ten commandments. There’s no coming back from that.” 

Your mind was racing as you tried to figure out just which four - well, two you were certain you broke. Deciding that now wasn’t the time, you brought your focus back to the demon in front of you. 

“Whose soul will you need, then?” 

“Let’s just say it’s gonna be someone you’re… close with. Or, will be,” she cryptically answered, bringing a gloved finger to her chin, that charming glint shining in her eyes. 

You began racking your brain as to who she could be hinting at. Really, that could be anyone and you knew asking Haley for a definitive answer would be a bust. She wouldn’t tell you because if you knew for certain you would be less likely to deal. However, what you did know for certain was that taking a soul from someone would cause instant death if it was done quickly. “Alright, fine. But you have to promise me that you won’t kill whoever you’re thinking of right away.” 

Haley sighed, rolling her eyes. “Humans…” she muttered under her breath. 

“Whatever. Since I like you and the soul your bargaining is quite valuable, I promise not to take the soul away all at once. But, I’m taking half up front - think of it as an advance,” she informed, taking one more step closer to you. She was now in your personal space, her beauty overwhelming to your senses. One would think you’d be used to otherworldly beauty having been around the likes of the boys, but she was just incomparable. 

Without even really thinking, you nodded your head. While it was cruel to have the soul slowly and methodically leached out of them, it wouldn’t result in death. And you were doing it to save Jake’s dream… that had to count for something, right? 

“Do we have a deal?” Haley asked, her voice smoldering and dripping sex as she leaned in towards your ear. 

Just as you were about to say yes - the word on the tip of your tongue - you stopped. There was something that made absolutely no sense in this deal. “Wait- how am I able to bargain away a soul that’s not even mine?” 

“Semantics, angel. Nothing you need to worry your pretty little head over,” the demon placated, her gloved hand coming up to tuck a piece of hair behind your ear. The action made you shiver, unaware that that was something you were into. 

“But-” 

“So,” she interrupted again, “do we have ourselves a deal?” 

You opened your eyes to find that she was smirking again, inches away from your face. Your heart picked up its pace, your throat becoming dry as butterflies feverishly fluttered in your stomach. 

“Yes,” you breathe. You go to extend her hand so she can shake it and officially seal the deal when you feel Haley’s hand slither to the back of your head and push you into your lips. You let out a small whine at the feeling of her lips against yours, wholly unprepared and - admittedly - overjoyed at the notion that you were kissing such a beautiful person. 

You were deeply disappointed and annoyed when she pulled you away by your hair, her knowing laugh enough to make your cheeks pink with embarrassment. 

“Don’t fret, baby. You’ll see me again in hell someday,” she mused, “but in the meantime, Jake’s hand will be repaired.” 

With one last seductive smile, she snapped her fingers and disappeared from sight. Now that you were alone, the weight of what you had just done crushed you like a falling grand piano from the heavens. Your guilt felt crippling as you realized you just sold someone else’s life away and you didn’t even know who. 

+++

A/N: The crossroads demon I used in this fic is based off the singer Haley Reinhart and I highly encourage you to look up her music. Not only does she have an incredibly amazing voice but she's also stunningly gorgeous.

Taglist:

@doodle417 @sammykiszkasunusedshoes @jmks-housewife @alwayssotiredbutneverofyou @ageoferin @etoilesnoor @ascendingtostardust @godlygreta @s0livagant @gretavanflowerpower @morganic-goods @dannythedog @baguettejuliette @fan-girl-97 @gaby-gvf @age-of-nyahh @mzbrightside @myownparadise96 @xserenax-13 @sammysvanfeet @strugglingtodoshit @loofypoofy @chalametpwk @seventieswhore @razorbladekiszka @unfortunatelykristin @welightthefire @gretavanfleas @sammiejane22 @satanplayshisfluteforhim @starsasone @mintysammykiszka @writingcold @tearsofbri @teddiie @gardensgatedaisy @sparrowofthedawnsworld @angelbabyyy99 @whollyfreeamongststars @gretaswhore28 @l0rdoffli3s @kay-jordan @lightmyloverry @kenzie18 @gotavansleep @roosterbbradley @freckled-wonder @flower-power-anthem @gabyvanfleet @sarakay-gvf @Mamalikes-gvf

Taglist Form

[scenetocause]

have you seen his stream last night where he (jokingly but also not really) refers to lando as his ride or die? thoughts?

i did see this it caused me massive psychic damage. ficlet under the cut.

Are you gonna ride me then?

Max blinks at his phone. Surely Daniel's the cowboy enthusiast? Lando just likes eating way too much barbecue. He texts back why, are you a horse? and should've known he was walking into a joke about being hung like one, really.

You said I'm your ride or die and I don't want you to die

Like everything with Lando, it's sweet and bizarre in equal measure. And kind of annoying.

I'm not going to fucking die gets written and deleted. Don't tempt fate. He might ride Lando, though, when he gets back. When Max shoos his family out of the house so he can make zero excuses for why him and Lando are sharing a room and not worry about the sounds he makes when Lando's fucking into him. The ones Lando does when he's close to coming and Max can't get him to concentrate enough to keep him quiet with kissing, the way they whisper stupid stuff to each other afterwards and Lando presses up against Max's chest to draw patterns on his abs, usually with jizz.

He's not as slim as he was, is torn between enjoying being less petite and tormented by body consciousness most of the time but when Lando's lavishing him with attention and saying how much he likes it, nuzzling his nose into Max's stomach and kissing him there, trailing it down to his cock just to like, fuck around because Lando likes it, even if Max has just come. Just wants it in his mouth because he likes being everywhere on Max.

Lando really is his ride or die, is the thing. It's Lando or bust, no in betweens. He's ruined for other people, no matter how much he imagined himself having a wife he's not going to meet anyone he likes as much as Lando, let alone who gets him like Lando does, who Max can accept love and lavishing from. Who he can trust with his heart so completely.

He writes back get home soon, Bob and then I miss you and then doesn't stop himself from a third message saying feels like half of me's missing when you're away.

[moregraceful]

kasper, you are the best. I hope you have a wonderful day/night!

Thank you anon, you are so sweet! I was having a bad morning but pillar of tumblr's sanity Dr. Grace baking-soda explained to me that doctors have admin days and so that is probably why my doctor has not contacted me yet and if I were truly dying she would have called me. So I am NOT dying imminently. (Did write my last will and testament. But that's just good planning imho.) Also having cleaned my apartment I am feeling much better about the state of things. Sometimes you just gotta wipe down surfaces, you know.

Also, my friend Mars has been texting me every single thought they've had while watching My Unorthodox Life on Netflix and they just finished today and can I just: reality tv stars are bananas. Netflix just lets you get on their streaming service and say anything and do anything. The mom was talking about her adult daughters squirting?? In a pizza parlor??? But I was enjoying watching vicariously and learning about Orthodox Judaism through Mars getting mad at how inaccurate the show is about Orthodox communities and Orthodox structure. I'm interested to see what reality show I get to watch next through my friend and what drive-by psychological damage I take from it. They were watching the Ultimatum: Lesbians Edition earlier last week and I took psychic damage from their description of that one too. Like people just be getting on tv and screaming "YOU HAD YOUR FINGERS IN MY GIRLFRIEND" like it's nothing. Like yes you could hear that in any given gay or lesbian bar in San Francisco or San Jose, but that's in the privacy of our communities. Not in front of every person on netflix my god lmao. Anyway I am having a good day overall though I think I will probably be very tired tomorrow.

Thank you for sending this ask, I appreciate it!! You are very sweet!!

[amtrak12]

Oh my god my spouse just smacked me with so much psychic damage I had tears streaming down my face and my chest still hurts from angry laughing.

Me: Oh! If Dreamlight Valley did do a Disney Channel Originals themed Star Path with Kim Possible*, that means we would get Rufus as an animal companion! :D

My Spouse: Rufus is a dog, right?

Me: *35 points of psychic damage* *dying but not yet dead*

My Spouse with his second attack: No, weasel!

Me from my grave: A NAKED MOLE RAT YOU ASSHOLE!!!

[apollos-boyfriend]

so i'm planing this fic and like i say it's tommy-centric but it really isn't. and i'm thinking of having the captain be like a funky dragon lad and has anxiety and worships lady ianite but i have no idea how i'd write that so like help?

hey now. as much as im a bitch about tommy-centric fics. no shame in writing one if that's what you like!! as long as it's properly tagged you don't have to skirt around it or shy away. if you're writing something tommy-centric, own it!!!

that said, i can absolutely give some tips! ofc, the most obvious answer would be to watch some mianite eps, but i'm aware they can get extremely long when they're lore-heavy, so here's some tips!

don't be afraid to make him curse a bit!! especially if you're basing him off of his mianite version. current-day cc!jordan doesn't swear on-screen for monetization purposes, but when you think about it, he swears a LOT if you just replace his censors with the actual curse words they represent. don't shy away from having him have the mouth of a sailor at times (pun fully intended, considering he was a pirate!!)

as much as he can have his serious, badass moments, he's also just a fucking nerd. he gets on tangents easily, and takes hypotheticals WAY too seriously. yknow when people say ranboo goes on stream and just shows symptoms? jordan is fucking full of symptoms. just all of them at once. he laughs at his own jokes so hard his ribs hurt, even though literally no one else was laughing. his puns are bad enough to deal psychic damage.

you're on a good track by acknowledging he's just a ball of anxiety sometimes!! he. cares a lot about how people see him and how he comes off. not in the self-centered sense, just in the overall socially anxious sense. he cares ESPECIALLY about how ianite sees him. he lives to make her proud

oh! on that note! jordan doesn't really say ianite's name to her face often. or in general. he calls her "my lady" in the absolutely fondest tone known to man <3

overall, jordan is just. loyal to ianite to dangerous degrees. overall, she's a fairly reasonable goddess. she wouldn't order him to just kill someone for the sake of it. but if she did, he would do it without hesitation. if ianite told jordan to jump off a bridge he would do it before she even finished her sentence. she's sometimes put-off by this, but it's something she ends up getting somewhat used to

if there's anything else you'd want me to expand on, i'd be more than glad to!!! i love rambling about these two. individually or together. they r my beloveds <3

[queenofbaws]

Okay if this one doesn't cause too much psychic damage (or even if you can answer it lol): top 5 horror movies and/or books that you went in thinking you were gonna love and would be right up your alley only to end up sorely disappointed or just hated in general.

oh god, i can answer this. i can answer this. so easily. there is so much fuckin disappointing horror out there i stg askdjfklasjfksdjfkldjf UGH LET’S DO THIS.

we’re all going to the world’s fair (2021; movie). found footage is notoriously hard to do right, but man i had high hopes for this one. let me tell you, iiiiii’m not sure i can even tell you what happened in this confused mess. a girl does an internet challenge that MAYBE triggers some kind of psychological break in her? perhaps? and then another person on the internet takes it upon himself to inject himself into her life via her youtube uploads? well let me tell you the #1 reason WHY this movie got a solid two thumbs down from ya gurl: uh the flashing/strobing lights in this wereeeeee so constant and so intense that even though i am NOT epileptic, i had to go to bed for the rest of the day after watching it. left me with a bad taste in my mouth lmfao. i’m sure it’s SOMEONE’S thing.

the empty man (2020; movie). the first like 20 min of this movie are so solid. if they ended this thing right after the prologue? good little horror short. it’d be wonderful. great, even. fantastic. but they didn’t, they turned it into a whole movie and it shouldn’t have been a whole movie. this is another one where the plot - to me - felt so muddled i’m not even sure i can explain it clearly, but there’s a spirit out there, and it wants to empty you out until you’re a husk. if you want a good, spooky little watch, turn this one on, but man alive, you turn it off the second you see the “6 months later” or what the fuck ever. trust me on this one.

the requin (2022; movie). i am a simple woman. a simple woman who enjoys a good, schlocky, “oh no, that giant shark is going to eat us!!!” movie. mostly because i have CRAZY intense thalassophobia and as my friends irl will attest, i’m so scared of any fish bigger than a koi that if you take me to an aquarium, my knees literally might give out. this one was just confused. and there wasn’t actually a whole lot of shark. at no point did i feel...anything for the characters. if the selling point of your movie is GIANT SHARK HUNTS PEOPLE, i want to see your gianT SHARK HUNTING PEOPLE AHHHHH.

the ritual by adam nevill (book). okay, this one is definitely just a matter of personal taste, but...i LOVED the movie the ritual, so i thought i’d get the book. the writing itself is great! the story, however, is very different than what you get in the movie, and actually focuses a lot on like...a kidnapping. with a bunch of heavy metal obsessed teenagers. it wasn’t what i was expecting, and it wasn’t what i was hoping for, so it left me feeling pretty deflated. still a great story, just...not the story i was looking for.

sharp objects by gillian flynn (book). i love a story about a fucked up family. i love a story about a serial killer. i love protagonists who are deeply, deeply troubled. this was...hmm. hmmmmmmmm. i’ve read this book like three times, each time hoping maybe my feelings on it will change, but they just don’t. this book feels like suffering for the sake of suffering, and there’s no catharsis, imo, nothing that feels RESOLVED. reading this book felt a whole lot like the written version of “life sucks and then you die,” like it just stretched on and on and everyone was MISERABLE and everyone HATED EACH OTHER and in the end everything just gets WORSE, and idk man. again, i’m sure it’s someone’s thing - it got turned into a tv series on one of the streaming platforms so clearly SOMEONE out there likes it, but boy oh boy, this one just wasn’t for me, folks.

ask me my top 5 anything!

[incarnateirony]

after streaming persona for everyone so much lately rewatching 1x3 gave me titanic psychic damage atop the first round it already did.

[mellointheory]

The Eggpire, and why they are the coolest villain group in the SMP

The Eggpire is personally one of my favorite groups of people on the entire smp. The Eggpire I’m currently referring to consists of Ponk, Bad, Antfrost, Punz, and Skeppy. They’re the ones who are clearly working for the Crimson, and are generally percieved by others in the SMP as corrupted. 

Part of why I love them so much is their clear alignment. They are perhaps the most obvious ‘villains’ in the current season. There’s no moral greyness with them, only the tragedy of the consumed as they serve their master. They’re predictable, and you can tell others view them as a threat. Don’t break the vines, don’t disrespect the egg, avoid them at all cost.

The Eggpire is also currently winning in the “group” part of “group dynamic”. There are other alliances on the SMP, but it has been a while since one solid group of people were working together to defend or protect something. Even in the Doomsday War the defenders of L’Manburg were conflicted--Niki burned the tree herself, Eret was working with people who he had betrayed once before, Punz was an active spy. The Eggpire has a solid foundation of people working together, and their internal workings are interesting. Every member has their own specific role.

Badboyhalo, the Corrupter

Bad, despite what he says about there being no hierarchy within the Eggpire, calls all the shots. He is the largest threat and the start of the Crimson’s spread. He found the Egg, brought others to it, protected it when the vines first began to surface. He takes the most active role in the corruption of others and trying to further the Eggpire’s goals. He’s one of the main three fighters in the Eggpire, and the other two tend to follow his lead and let him speak.

Bad being a demonic creature himself adds an extra layer of awesome to his character. While he was uncorrupted his soul jar (Skeppy) was taken by the Egg, and the...bathwater stream happened. That was a hot mess, HOWEVER, afterwards it actually became kind of cool. Bad saying that “no matter what he could do, he couldn’t fix Skeppy”, implies that his character is in fact capable of magic and was trying, over and over, to return his best friend to who he was originally and kept messing up. Only after his actions failed did he willingly corrupt himself and become the main villain of the Egg arc.

Antfrost, the Caretaker

Antfrost...I absolutely adore corrupted!Antfrost. He was the first person, after Bad, to become attached to the Egg. He was ruthless before he was turned--he even suggested killing Skeppy in order to remove the corruption from him. Now he’s actively serving an eldrich abomination. He follows Bad around silently and writes messages to people in languages they can’t understand. He’s a “professional hunter” (that scene gave me chills) and Bad’s righthand man.

Before the Crimson Antfrost ran an animal sanctuary. He’s still keeping an eye on the animals, but now most of his attention seems to have transferred to the Egg. He seems to have the most active affection for the egg, making sure to feed it and even kissing it once. The aesthetic of a chaotic evil catboy in a nice suit who has no moral compass but does have an undeniable fondness for the Bloodvines growing everywhere is just... *chefs kiss*

Punz, the Guard

Punz, as a character is very well done. He’s been one of the most chill on the server for a while, only actively involving himself in conflicts when A) one of his pets has died, or B) Dream told him to. He’s loyal; once he has a directive he will accomplish it. Dream himself knew if he hired Punz to guard L’Manburg, Punz would guard L’Manburg and kill anyone who left the walls for as long as Dream wanted him to.

Now Punz is guarding the Egg itself. He isn’t as actively threatening as Bad and Ant--he was able to have a completely normal conversation with Tommy, for example, while Tommy is actively terrified of Bad and Ant. Punz is only a danger when he’s called to be, otherwise he’s just a chill guy who doesn’t seem concerned that he has red eyes, or that the thing he’s working for is actively spreading across the entire server.

Ponk, the Voice

Ponk spent a lot of time around the Egg. He even planted a seed in his own casino, named it, and yet managed to turn it into something else. He was left on top of it for days, and came out completely unscathed. He originally began working with the Eggpire purely for pain au’ chocolate and bought contacts from Amazon in order to blend in with them. He doesn’t give a shit.

Correction: he didn’t give a shit until his boyfriend cheated on him. Ponk got corrupted purely out of spite and facilitated the beginning of a war between the Egg and the server’s local builder god. He’s a semi-psychic amputee and the caretaker of a graveyard. He has the most unique interaction with the Egg.

Skeppy, the Heart

Skeppy is Badboyhalo’s living soul jar and probably the most wholly corrupted in the entire server. He spent an entire day inside the Egg and came out with no desires except for it. We’ve seen him the least out of every Eggpire member, but he’s had the most effect on the plot. He’s the Crimson’s leverage over Badboyhalo. If being logged out means a character is canonically asleep, then Skeppy has been sleeping for months. Practically in a coma, until the Egg needs him.

cc!Skeppy says that they have more planned for his character, so I’m very much looking forward to seeing what will happen when the Egg decides it needs him. He was probably the weakest Eggpire member, but who knows what he’s capable of now?

The Crimson Itself:

The Crimson is a problem you can’t get rid of. The bloodvines spread without anyone being near them; they grow back as soon as they’ve been cut. Just hurting the Egg can kill you, although they retconned Sam’s death due to Crimson damage. To quote Badboyhalo: “If you break the Egg, it bites you back.”

The absolute coolest thing about the entire Egg arc, in my opinion, is how hard it is to keep an eye on the big picture. We as viewers get wrapped up in what’s happening right now. Hannah was trapped in the Egg, now she’s escaped. There were vines in Sam’s base, now they were broken. The Eggpire attacked Foolish’s base, then he scared them away. Then you pull back and remember, it is just a an egg. We have no idea what its plans are, or what it’s capable of. Someday comes the Red Banquet, and that’s when the real storm breaks.

[helpicant-stop]

dsmp characters if they were youtubers: part two—c!tntduo

wilbur (Wilbur Soot): his channel started when he was like 10, and they were just home videos of him making lego contraptions before completely wrecking them in various 10 year old ways. phil and The Fridge were very much present. the videos slowly transitioned through periods of silence and random variety to a phase of exclusively music for several years

when he joined the dsmp he began making vlogs in l'manburg with the occasional "JOIN OUR COUNTRY" added in. he used the community tab way too much. he used it even more during election era, which was 90% politics/debate videos/hypotheticals if pog2020 won. the videos thinned out in pogtopia and completely disappeared post-october 16, but reappeared briefly for a livestream of the rebellion and ended with him tossing the camera to the ground right before he ran into the button room. the stream crashed after tnt (or a wither blast) exploded the camera and it fell in the water.

ghostbur forgot his youtube password.

revivedbur, upon finally fucking remembering his youtube password, immediately started doing asmr which i feel like is lowkey plausible in canon. he also made those batshit rp pov ones but they're all just him recalling actual events that happened to him and they're all painstakingly accurate (the acting in some of them make certain viewers who were present at its actual occurence very uncomfortable). after his like 6-month long absence his return video was like 30 minutes long detailing the reasons why he was absent. everyone he knew was in the comments being like "why did you have time to make and edit a half-hour long youtube video but not ring me up after you apparently got resurrected."

expectedly, his videos have a lot of dislikes. there's always gonna be that top comment that's like "for those who don't know why his videos get so much hate:" and then there's an essay the length of a geronimo stilton book

almost all of his videos have philosophical elements and he's made several video essays on life that are usually just him talking while looking at the sun rise over different settings. he has also made videos advertising wilburger that are passive-aggressively shading las nevadas while simultaneously wanting to join and also insulting quackity and simping for him at the same time and it's the most confusing thing you'll ever see (unless you are quackity, in which case you completely keep up)

quackity (bigQ/LasNevadasOfficial): he has two channels, one for personal stuff and one for las nevadas. bigQ is the older one and started off with meme edits that are the video equivalent of standing inside a radioactive microwave while the loudest sound in the world plays. when he canonically went into juvie he kept making videos somehow with the fucking cctv but they were all "1 MINUTE LIFE HACK HOW TO ESCAPE JUVIE!!!" videos and all of them ended in failure.

he immediately went back to the meme edits that would give you 420 psychic damage once he left, but imagine all of the mass whiplash his followers got when he went from posting big chungus with rave effects and distorted caramelldansen to well-produced persuasive video essays on why you should vote for swag2020 (do not worry the meme edits have not stopped. they just got banished to youtube shorts)

this eventually turned into him just making full on manberg propaganda and the people who hadn't fucking disintegrated from the extreme tonal change were mostly on board but also concerned at how he didn't seem to be fully comfortable with schlatt around. he stopped posting after october 16, but exactly a month after he came out with a 60-minute exposè on his dead ex-husband. (he didn't talk about them being partners, though, which meant the commenters were still very concerned. he eventually turned off all the comments and like:dislike ratio from this time) a few days later he came out with an update video that was also a recording of schlatt's funeral, heart consumption and everything, by someone in the back whose hands were probably the vadivua earthquake.

in new l'manberg he began making video essays about politics and, just like tubbo, had a 3-hour long video on why the butcher army failed except he was much angrier than tubbo was. videos at this time were also a lot less frequent. after doomsday, he made a remembrance video about l'manberg that the rest of the l'manbrrgians worked on (even tommy). it's the video with the most views and there are three dislikes on it (i'm sure you can guess by who).

during and after this there was also a brief period of daily vlogs he'd upload of him with karl and sapnap running around and doing shit that proved he had incredibly shaky hands and also owned an iphone 6s. after the falling out, they all ended up being privated and never spoken of again

in las nevadas, he made "LasNevadasOfficial," which is basically like every other corporate youtube channel but with a lot more projection and passive aggression. he uploads most of his videos on las nevadas there but he posts some short unedited clips of him and the las nevadas boys hanging out on his personal channel that are promoted a lot less than everything else he makes. he also does a lot of card trick tutorials and has nade a 2 hour long video called "WHY CAPITALISM GOOD ACTUALLY: REPLYING TO IDIOT ME FROM 6 MONTHS AGO." also all the top comments on all his recent videos have him and wilbur arguing until the reply limit (at which point it's usually "HA LAST REPLY DUMBASS I WON") and they have made like 5 debates together that tommy and tubbo commented "deffo flerting" on

also the meme edits have still not stopped.

{part 1}