#this whole process of just learning how to do something new esp involving doing things w my hands & having a tangible result has been great

[holyhalliwells]

imo, the show was often unilaterally focused on Piper, but only on what she could do for others (Piper the wife and Piper the mother) rather than who she was as a person. Piper's individual characterization was lost sometime around s5 as soon as she got pregnant, and being a mother and wife pretty much became her sole defining characteristic for the rest of the series. I would be very interested to hear what you define as Piper's mental issues/trauma, bc as you say it doesn't get said enough

this has been in my inbox forever and i’m just getting around to it so my apologies.

but okay. so. yes. i think a lot of tv shows fall into this weird place where like. all of their characters begin with these kinda vague personalities because you’re just getting to know them. and as the show goes on, you pick up more pieces and stuff . and that’s great. that’s interesting and entertaining and it takes you on a journey and all. but often what happens is many shows fall into this pit where writers either get lazy, they change, or whatever, and the actors are tired of playing the part or whatever . and like. the characters become like. caricatures of themselves. and it just gets exhausting to watch because they’re not like. real people anymore.

Piper's individual characterization

so now for the charmed thing. so from the beginning. i have loved piper. like she’s the middle sister, overlooked, quiet, reserved, pessimistic but also realistic, gentle, thoughtful, all that. we see right away that she loves to cook .. she’s so happy her family is back together. she kept in touch with phoebe behind prue’s back. but she’s loyal to the both of them. her first idea was to have a reunion dinner when phoebe came home. she’s literally so cute n she deserves a hug. but no like. as we go on, we see that she wants to be good, she wants a stable life with no more loss, she Loves Love !! like. she wants to just be happy , open her own restaurant n just cook. she’s also so shy .. definitely panicky and anxious. and she doesn’t trust herself. she’s skeptical of everything, and she’s very thoughtful when it comes to big situations. even in the early days with leo and into season 2, she mentioned a few things about like “i’ve been thinking a lot about this...” and you can see she’s good at communicating with people. she’s also got these other dimensions to her like . she is interested in lots of cuisine types, she loves to read (and is a camus fan !!) , she drives a jeep (which i wanna know how she got bc i have questions), when she found out she was a witch her first thought was just . i need to go and see if i am still a good person . and she went to church. prue was surprised to learn that piper enjoys knitting. in the early seasons (especially mid-late season 3) we saw her with her plants and all. she’s just this natural peacekeeper. but like. we literally got a crying scene in the second episode because she was so conflicted about this. and she’s such a deep and complex character that i fell in love with so fast . and like . literally my favourite fictional character to exist . genuinely holly breathed so much life into piper . anyway . so. here’s the thing.

being a mother and wife pretty much became her sole defining characteristic for the rest of the series

like. piper was who i described above. and like . i kinda think . a bit. that like . the writers . especially in s4 . were like . hmm well  . she’s just lost prue, she’s gonna be grieving . and like we need more for her. so. she’s been married to leo for the better part of a year, been with him for like . 3 years. so. let’s maybe consider giving them a kid but not just yet . just Content kinda stuff. so anyway they drop little hints in here and there starting in like . 4x07 i think? which . brain drain really paid the rent . fully just. holly did so well. but like. that ep was just. a neat way of looking into her mind and seeing the horrors of manipulation and gaslighting and everything . and of course holly knocked it out of the park. but at that point, they were kinda like . hmm . kids ? and they started toying with the idea, having piper and leo consider it, talk about it, they had paige and phoebe ask about it , all of that good stuff. as you do. made for some funny tv at some points. and like . i really, really Get It . when piper’s like . ahh the baby wouldn’t be safe around here !!!! like. Girl, Valid . your sister just died and like . you went on forever about how she was The Most Powerful One . The Strongest One . and yet she still died . so she’s like ??? am i next ?? and like obv it doesn’t make sense for her to jump on this train of like . i’m gonna have a kid !!!! so she’s really valid in her thought process there. and like. after having wyatt . i think the writers really . idk. couldn’t do waaay too much with her character anymore because i feel like . to an extent, anything she does will be scrutinized bc i’m not just . saying this . i rlly feel like sometimes piper’s the easiest to hate. like idk why but i loved her. but anyway. if she stays at home with wyatt and doesn’t wanna fight demons n all . then she’s selfish towards her sisters n she’s awful n prue wouldn’t have let her do that !!!! etc . but if she fought demons it’s like . uh sweetie you have a child . really ??? why put yourself in a situation that might have you ending up like patty 2.0 ... bc i could do a Whole post on how patty’s situation messed piper up the most. but anyway.

it’s the way i’m fully rambling so if you’re reading this . i love you . anyway okay . so . i think in a tv show you’ve gotta kinda check boxes. the best tv shows have characters you see yourself in . you relate to them. you hear them and understand their decisions and actions and thoughts. the things they do just makes sense 2 you. so like. with prue, anyone married to their job could relate to her. any oldest sibling could see themselves in her, you know ? she was hard-working, committed, logical, protective. and with phoebe, anyone who couldn’t “settle down” in their early 20s related 2 her, anyone who felt like the outcast of the family, the “screw-up” .. right. makes sense. she was so kind, caring, had-your-back kinda girl. we all love those. paige was like . the new kid, trying to fit in, creative, curious, and definitely a lifelong learner. and then there’s piper who was shy, resistant, really just wanted to be normal. and loved. and i think everyone could kinda identify with at least one of the sisters regardless of where you stood in your own family. so as the show went on, it’s like . they still want you to keep watching and keep being able to identify with them because it’s not like they’re humans with normal lives so they’ve already kinda lowkey got that going against them . so their more “human” and normal lives... we’ve gotta be able to identify with them to be able to invest time. so they had prue always working, having trouble balancing love and work, looking out for her family. we had phoebe kinda living her life, getting her career going, then kinda wanting a family. we had paige learning magic and being super interested and involved and then getting married. and we had piper who had her career pretty early on, got married, and had kids. like. i think the big thing is the marriage and kids. and when you’re a mother . the only mother really in the show, the show lowkey centres around you . like. for starters, the show usually is in the manor, and if you’re a mother, you’re very likely at home, esp with young kids. so i think that alone kinda was like . huh yeah . won’t see piper out waaay too much anymore i guess !!! but no like . there’s That. that’s kinda. the thing that really can’t change with the show . like. piper’s got kids now and a husband and very, very likely . her life will be centred around her home. which. listen she’s wanted that i think - the stability . she’s wanted that forever. and this is the form it came in. but i should stop rambling here and cut to the point .

Piper's mental issues/trauma

disclaimer: i’m not diagnosing her, i’m just speculating based off of my own experiences with mental health

so. okay. very early on. we saw that anxiety. like. yes . she was nervous about like a whole new life experience . or whatever we’re gonna call it when you figure out you’re a witch . but like she was Anxious . like. crying in the attic over being a bad person . needing phoebe to talk her down by telling her she’s such a caring person, she’s always doing things for other people . and then there’s the whole anxiety that comes with. my family’s falling apart because my sisters are fighting so i use really awkward methods of getting out of things . like using humour as a coping mechanism !!! which. gave us some iconic one-liners. but that’s beside the point . anyway. point is. early on, that anxiety was there. there’s an ep in season 1 where she’s literally entering a panic attack in her kitchen and phoebe’s using a menu to cool her down. like. Yikes! and then she’s just. her awkward self around everyone but that’s endearing and is just part of her personality . and i think a lot of the anxiety stemmed from childhood. we heard a few times about how prue and phoebe had boyfriends growing up, were always pretty and popular and all. phoebe was popular, too, just, in the other crowd. but nonetheless, piper faded into the background, doing well in math - well enough to go off and be a banker . and like. she sacrificed a lot for grams. she stayed in san francisco ... we all know the girl had the marks for stanford or something . like. though . still, i think she liked the stability of home and prob would’ve stayed . but in 3x17 she’s all !!! grams !!! the doctor said no caffeine !!! and when grams was taking the pic of them outside and she had an episode , piper was all !!!! shallow breaths !!! like. it was clear piper was the one taking her to the appointments and footing the bill. like. she literally became a banker just bc it had benefits n stuff. like. poor girl really thought . anyway that’s a whole spiral. but no. like she really sacrificed The Most for her family and everyone still thought she was selfish for wanting to move out . when like back then grams was literally ... sick ... and prue was out here moving out and phoebe was nowhere to be found . so. that . definitely would have added to her anxiety about even wanting to do anything for herself because she’ll be perceived as selfish in a heartbeat. even if it’s not Mean . it’s just. she’d never risk it. but there’s the anxiety. there are a few lil things here n there about how she gets nervous n stuff, she represses things (3x07 i think was where phoebe said piper represses her anger n just sucks it up n does whatever) . she literally cancelled her doctor’s appointment Twice . anyway. it still angers me. then in season 7 . patty and victor were like . oh she had night terrors that were so bad we took her to the doctor ! and i just ... honey . baby. she thought she caused the divorce. at 4? 5? she watched victor leave on her 5th birthday, watched a demon attack her, grams, and victor. prue said she didn’t cry at patty’s funeral and i’ll make a safe bet that piper did. and i think growing up without patty was strange for sure. prue had more memories and phoebe had none. and piper had fragments of this person everyone loved . and she was stuck between knowing her and not knowing her. and when patty was sent to her for her wedding day, (as well as in 1x17) . both times when patty hugged them . prue and phoebe hugged her, eyes closed n all. while piper was on the outside, eyes open . looking numb as all hell . and you know. i rlly think she was Giving Them That because phoebe didn’t get her and prue kinda . in a way. lost more of her . if that makes sense ?? and i just. patty really was like . they sent me to You. and 5 seconds later . piper’s like . they sent mom to Us !!! and it’s that idea of sacrifice and never having anything for yourself because she was never just . given anything for herself . everything in her life has been a sacrifice and as a mother, that’s perpetuated. she can assume that role with more of a purpose . like. people won’t really feel sorry for her now as the “forgotten” sister, they won’t try and coddle her or anything. and another thing. control. piper craved stability and control. i think while cooking was something she loved, it also gave her a lot of control . she could control her whole kitchen . even in season 8 .. maybe vaya con leos actually . leo mentioned how much piper craves control. and the control motif makes sense with her powers too. like. piper craved control so much that her powers allowed her to control things down to the atom. so there’s the whole anxiety and needing to control things to ease her anxiety and all. there’s That whole thing.

and then we get to the infamous season 5 fearless spell . ms girl really sat in the attic just writing everything on the wall and it’s the way i screenshotted it and like . zoomed in and tried deciphering it . and like . there’s words like “stop” and i think “sister” is in there a few times, so is “loss” or “lost”. when i watch it next i’ll grab a cap because it’s . disturbing. girl was so scared . literally was writing a spell to get rid of her fears . she also writes Fear . as in. capital F . and like. yeah that’s deep but i do it too like i emphasize words with a capital letter . and like holly marie combs might just have quirky n fun writing but like ... capital F . for Fear. for real . that’s . trauma !!! and she also was having panic attacks at the beginning of season 5. let’s not forget those. which ... we should’ve gotten more of an explanation for . i hope that girl is getting help bc she was Going Through It . and in season 7 when zankou reads her diary . firstly. we Knew this girl kept a diary like . for Sure . she did. and just that little excerpt of when prue died . oops. i’d pay big money to see the rest because again i just think she’s got such a complex mind and like. i’d be so interested to read that. and i think everything re: prue is just Awful for her. like . idk if this is just something quirky i noticed but obv we know prue died in may 2001 . but at the end of 4x03, when piper goes 2 paige’s work 2 bring her muffins !! soft !!! the calendar on one of the desks reads july 2001 ... and i really just. ms girl. i Know they prob just filmed the ep in july but it honestly tracks that she’d be so awfully upset about everything and just . barely able to do anything but cook . for 2 months. like. honey. baby. i wanted 2 just cuddle her bc she was so sad. and like. she tells paige she’s having “good hours” and “not so good hours” . she’s going by the Hour . by the Hour . just. need i say more . i’m so . but no like. if anything like i could see her having like . depression where she’s high-functioning and like just . walking depression i guess ?? like . not even after prue. i think in general. like . she definitely has a melancholic temperament and a type 6 enneagram (the skeptic). that’s For Sure . but i think. just. she’s always just had time to think bc she’s always alone, reading, knitting, cooking, tending to her plants, all that. and i just . think. she has issues. and i think prue knew that. of all people. and i think her knowing that . and then dying. destroyed piper. she lost the last person that was truly a constant in her life . like they shared a roof over their heads forever. and then she was just . gone . and piper was suddenly left to pick up the pieces . and become the oldest sister . and i’m So glad she didn’t fully assume her personality. i’m glad she stayed as piper . just. she’s more cynical and snarky and defensive and cold and that’s okay. she’s hurting. she’s always gonna hurt . and i think it makes her human . she’s pessimistic and sad and has a short fuse at times . but just. again. i love her to bits and i think those issues make her more relatable for me. because while many like to say she became selfish and a negative person and just . awful to be around . i’d say the opposite . i won’t sit and apologize or justify things. also i don’t think piper’s done anything wrong . i just think she’s hurt. she’s been wronged so many times. and she’s .... scared. i think she’s scared . and in season 5 “sympathy for the demon” we learn her true biggest fear is her happiness being stolen away. and like . it’s not that she’s scared she won’t be happy. she’s scared all of the good she’s got will be taken from her . and that’s . terrifying . so . i see why she’s so snarky and bitter and tired and all . she’s terrified of things being taken from her like they have been her whole life. and as i watch the show i really like to just keep that in mind as i get further and further in because yes. she did become a mother and a wife and we saw her arguing with leo a lot and their marriage falling apart and That Whole Era . we saw how it kind of took over her life but i think it happens . i think she even said at one point . i’ve been so many things to so many people, i don’t know who i am anymore . and i think it sums her up perfectly. she doesn’t know who she is because she’s someone to everyone . she’s just. nobody to herself except this scared little girl who just wants Something . Anything . to make sense . some Stability . and her babies, her husband, and her sisters . are all she has for that idea of stability to make sense in her mind. and it was an easy hole to fall into - the Mother - but i think she jumped in. because at the Very Least . nobody could take that title away from her . regardless of how hard they tried .

[goblinconceivable]

All The Feels

Random bulletpoints of Annie/Jeff analysis because I am overcome with shippiness.  :D  Also more like bullet-lengthy-paragraphs.  You tried, self, you tried.

Pascal’s Triangle (PT) is not a love triangle.  

Sure, look at the top two rows and you’ve got a binary split, ie, choice between two women.  But PT is row based, your current row based on the one above.  It’s complex.  Look below the binary surface of choice to row 3, where it actually becomes PT, where the complexity begins (and Community is about complexity.)  1, 2, 1, a total of 4. The 2 is the merging of the two 1s from row two - Ie, two women who get lumped together.  And beyond them is a 1 that springs out of nowhere - Annie.  Surprise!

Kiss at the end of S1

Jeff’s major deal is being afraid of expressing caring/vulnerability, while desperately craving/needing it.  Britta and Slater were both saying they loved him, and he does want to take that, but runs scared because they are  challenging him to admit his feelings in public, which no one who really knows and cares about him would do.  His scene with Annie is private. And she isn’t asking him FOR anything, she’s just asking what’s up, because she cares about the answer.  He feels safe, he opens up, it’s intimacy, which is both giving and taking.  Notably he admits he’s glad she’s staying after his share, this is him saying he cares about her too.

His explanation of the situation is a perceived choice between being the New Year’s guy (who he wants to be) and the Three Weeks Later guy (who he is.)  But the thing about New Year’s is the initial momentum always fades, and you have to put in the work, which Slater doesn’t help him with.  And he WON’T be able to sustain it on is own.  The guy he IS isn’t who he wants to be, it’s just giving up, rather than striving, even if imperfectly, to reach those goals.  Annie falls into the sweet spot: she understands what his default is, but shows him that he CAN be the man he wants to be, shows him what those steps ARE, encourages him to take the steps to be that person, and rewards him when he succeeds.  Which he does, with her behind him.  

And she kisses him first.  Which is an offering similar to Britta and Slater’s public announcements, but through action, not words.  Jeff uses words as shield and weapon, as did the other two.  Bypassing this essentially shortcircuits his brain.  His brain will warp and analyze and question, but she kisses him gently, an invitation not a demand.  He’s already put aside his sword and shield during their talk, and doesn’t feel the need to pick them up because he feels safe and cared for and is okay accepting and reciprocating that.

Play

Jeff is all adult and aloof and beyond such petty childish pursuits such as play, which is the scoffed at domain of Annie/Troy/Abed.  But he actually really wants it.  It likely stems in part from his loss of a proper childhood, but it’s also just who he is.  Imagination isn’t just for the young, the loss of the ability to play is an oft-bemoaned feature of adulthood, one the learned remind us we ought recapture.  (And a joy of parenthood is getting to do that through your children.)  But look, he literally was playacting being a lawyer.  It’s how he engages with the world.  He just justified that as a means to an end and did it for power and profit, rather than for enjoyment.

We see this, I argue, when responding to Annie’s playacting they were married. Annie anticipates a bad reaction, but he doesn’t give one.  No judgment.  He then establishes it’s not a deeper issue (”do I have to worry about this” ie, is this real/insanity).  When he says “I can tell you one thing your fantasy got wrong...” he’s not challenging her, or even taking offense, and while he’s not entering into her fantasy world (which is over anyway), he’s offering fodder.  He’s involving himself in the narrative process for her benefit.  And in the couched language of daydream he’s reassuring her -if- it was true, he would be devoted.  IF is a super important word in play, because you don’t have to believe, for example, you ARE a pirate.  You just need to act as IF you were a pirate.

Also cute, I take as justified fanon the deleted scene where he orders her appletini.  He was whining to her about it but it was relaxed because they both know he’d do it anyway.  And when the bartender turns out to be a believer in Annie’s created fantasy world, Jeff stops himself from correcting him and destroying the world.  Instead, he lets it persist just far enough to let himself glance at Annie as if it was true, and in that moment he sees her through the eyes of fantasy, and sees a beautiful woman, rather than all the complexity of their relationship.

Then there’s basically all the giant Greendale instances of play.  Which one way or the other, he gets roped into and ends up jumping into with abandon.  (Paintball, lava etc.)  And they’re often paired, because he enjoys playing with her, and the “if this” acts as license for them to explore their compatibility.  And their capers, when they pair up in the “real world”, is really just a sophisticated form of play.  As brought up pointedly when they were searching for the ASB, there’s a dual nature here.  They aren’t just buddies, like Troy and Abed, who are also very fantasy oriented (cardboard submarine!).  There’s a level of daydream beneath the fantasy world where they can set aside the complexities of their relationship, and say “if we’re solving this crime, then we can live in this bubble and just be together.”

I also really love the whole Professor Professorson episode because of course the layers are just so intricate and delightful when they unfold.  He tackles her which was total overreaction, he’s in a heightened world and committed to it.  They plot out this crazy intricate play to teach the Dean a lesson together, where they involve real emotions.  Many of which are Annie’s, but that means they’re creating a world in which it is safe to amplify her feelings which they are both aware of but are usually repressed, especially by Jeff.  And he praises her for that later (she went off book and deceived like a master) rather than being uncomfortable.  They exit play safely because they trust each other while playing and can leave that permissive world as an if.  And it ends with the blanket fort collapsing and cocooning them.  It is a play space literally being broken, begging the question of how much impact our play can have on our real selves.

Season 6

So basically I think I missed fandom the first time around and just binged on meta and there’s (fanon?) that Jeff spent the season looking for her attention, but Annie had pulled back?  I zipped through a bunch of scenes they were in together, and heartily agree.  Also I think I went a little nutty but What I see:

Annie doesn’t ignore him or anything, but where she might have previously inserted herself in his life, she starts to let him fend for himself while she diverts her attention to other relationships, and treats him more like she does the others.  I don’t think she really does anything like taking his class so she can evaluate his teaching and bludgeon him into being better?  But when they’re in a situation, like City College’s ad, she stands up to him as normal, challenging him to be better and do the right thing, as she always has.  Rewards him with approval when he does, and his whispered “thank you” is the cutest thing ever because it’s an intimate choice in a rather boisterous exchange.

Meanwhile Jeff does seem to spend a lot of time and energy trying to get back to a place where he’s first in her eyes.  There are a lot of shots in S6 a the Table and group scenes that involve him looking at her disproportionately, first, last, or only when speaking, esp when they’re all at the table.  When I went back and tried to do the same to S5 those scenes are set up a bit differently and I saw less of it but I think there’s just fewer group scenes in general though?.  In S6, he often ends a comment directed at the group (non table) by looking at Annie, indicating he wants her response, and thus her attention and engagement.  And often, she is the next person to speak.  Which is her personality as a leader, which supports the idea that while he’s seeking her out, she isn’t necessarily responding to that but just being her. 

Finale

I’ve sort of run myself dry thinking through other things.  And great analysis is plentiful and most recent.  So not even bullet points just ramble But:

Oh3, so when Garrett proposed and Abed noted Jeff had a funny look, he’s been daydreaming marrying Annie for that lone plus longer?  That took me a long time to put together as an actual literal thing.

Oh2, it’s all canon that he has issues with prolonged eye contact because he doesn’t want people to see him broken and he doesn’t break eye contact through any of this.  He knows she knows he’s broken already and is quietly fine with her seeing everything and this is a moment for *sobs*

Oh wait hey, so callback to that bit where she’s like “your words don’t mean anything” and he’s like “That’s what conversation is, people saying things to get stuff.”  Because he’s 100% not trying to get anything by telling her he’s let her go.  And he means a lot by saying it.  And if he said “I love you” there’s an implied sense of obligation to say it back and since he means romantically he can’t do that.  So this is just him letting her know, no pressure, no expectation, that he loves her and has loved her but it’s okay because she’s free and he wants her to be free because he loves her.  And he means it so hard when she says “kiss me goodbye” he’s all “you don’t owe me anything.”

But she does love him too, except she knows she’s in a different place emotionally and professionally.  And it’s sweet and a gift because she doesn’t make this about her but about him and his feelings.  So she preempts his regrets because she knows he WON’T kiss her goodbye unless she invites him to.  There’s something I’m reaching for and can’t find here.  She doesn’t admit to anything because there’s no point?  It would just hurt him either way?  Sharing her feelings through action rather than words?

And so much squee thinking how far everyone’s come for this scene to be a thing which could happen.

Callback to Annie’s marriage fantasy when Jeff has his own.  Hers was external, by her personality (esp at the time of her maturation) and thus public and psychologically working out a reasonable feeling of abandonment as she gave their fictional selves marital difficulties.  His is very internal, and occurs after Abed, always so reliable as a gateway to fantasy, turns the tables on him.  He’s experiencing reasonable feelings of abandonment, and while he runs, it’s to a safe space of “what if,” a coping mechanism he has learned, and which allows for working out of psychological issues.  

It’s dual: in that the larger issue is his need for a sense of stability.  Though he’s staring at the table the scene doesn’t involve Greendale at all, he already had that fantasy.  This is about wanting a life outside of the safe zone of the college.  And while he suggests a dog as an option he imagined a kid because having one represents stability for him - it was his father who left, and he won’t leave.  If there’s a kid, this is a life, Annie can’t leave.  But he offers her imaginary self complete editing powers, because all he really wants is to be able to love and be loved.  It’s indulgence, a desperate grasp at balm because while he let her go, he can’t let her -go.-  He was okay with being close friends, they do love each other as friends.  See his pitch.  But faced with losing that, he’s stripped bare.  He indulges in his supressed hearts desire and is faced with the reality of what he already knows: it’s not in the cards.

And he’s stripped down to insecurities that aren’t limited to Annie.  It’s cute how they jive over Marvel, though it’s weird to me and takes up more time and weird dramatic looking around that doesn’t feel playful enough to be justified.  The tone of their voices is too serious, it’s a mismatch.  I like how he admits the huge thing that he let her go as far as he has control, and suddenly a time pressure is on their alone time.  Everything is immediate right now, everything happening fast.  I wonder what Annie would have said if not for the text.  But that’s the thing, it’s the wrong time for them and this is a goodbye.  It’s too late but just under the wire all at once.

In this chapter at least.  In the safety of the group Annie brings up a season 7, which we all know could happen years down the line.  Would have been more fitting if she said movie though.  Still, he takes that as the comfort in which it was intended.

WTF with his all coed season 7?  Yes, we cut to it so it totally isn’t happening, but has he put his issues to rest and is just fantasizing crap or what?  It makes no sense to me.

I love that he not only puts her first after she invites him to kiss her goodbye by asking “what about you,” but is -asking for consent.-  He doesn’t even move towards her until he gets it, he’s literally just standing back.  What’s up with the penis thing?  Meta reference to shortcut arguments that it’s not true love but lust?  Is it Jeff acknowledging his own cynicism and how he’s dropped it?  Since he’s so clearly not in a lust mode here.  Is he adding a tiny bit of his usual pointed add ins to his speeches?

I guess it’s like...  this is one of his speeches, but it feels out of place because of his delivery?  Which is beautifully subdued and resigned and honest and just defeated, but defeated in the sense that he defeated all the barriers he still keeps around himself.  

and goodbye hug and kiss at the airport.

[eldritch-elrics]

this summer, me and my brother watched four whole shows. at long last, here is my comprehensive review of all of them!

in the order we watched them, these shows were:

avatar the last airbender (ATLA)

mob psycho 100 (MP100)

demon slayer / kimetsu no yaiba (KNY)

fullmetal alchemist: brotherhood (FMAB)

they were all very very good!

i’m not going to try to rank them, but, as is probably obvious by the state of my blog, my favorite was FMAB :) if i had to pick a least favorite, then, it would probably be KNY—not by any fault of its own, but just because it didn’t appeal to me quite as much as the others. still a very good show!

i will review each show by:

giving a quick plot-based pitch discussing the show’s hook or appeal

discussing one element that i believe it does better than any other show on this list—in other words, a quality that i think it stands out for

discussing one element that didn’t appeal to me or that i had issues with—a criticism

putting forth my favorite character and favorite episode or arc, just for funsies

including various other commentary. mostly positive, as, again, i did really like all of these!

(i’ve tried to make this whole thing free of specific spoilers, but if you’re planning on watching any of these shows and want to go in more-or-less blind, it might be best not to read this.)

first of all, i’d just like to discuss all four of these shows as a whole! it was definitely interesting watching one after another and noting similarities between them.

all of them have siblings in them! which is, perhaps, fitting, as i watched them with my brother

two include a pair of siblings in which one has powers and one doesn’t (at least at first), and part of the narrative involves getting better at using those powers (ATLA, MP100)

two include a narrative centered around a pair of siblings and something tragic that happens to them, resulting in the older one being traumatized and forced to train to become a soldier, and the younger one turning into something (arguably) inhuman. the protagonist’s major goal is to return his younger sibling to the way they were before (KNY, FMAB)

ATLA and FMAB are both fantasy political dramas, which is rapidly becoming a favorite genre of mine

most of these are historical, or historically inspired in some way, which is interesting!

all of these shows are really really good at character building. all the main characters are interesting and complex, and the relationships between those characters are similarly nuanced and very well written. they make you really care about both the protagonists and the side characters!

avatar: the last airbender

pitch: as the ever-growing imperial force of the fire nation threatens the earth and water nations, a kid from the long-lost air nation turns up and it turns out he can control all four elements and he has to save the world and all that. sorry i tried to write this pitch like five times and realized that well at this point i think everyone reading this will know the plot of avatar

stands out for: avatar has possibly the best worldbuilding i have ever seen in a show—it takes the time to introduce us to so many places and aspects of its world, both explicitly and subtly. the main highlight of this is the magic system. by creating a magic system based in body movement, the process of using magic and learning to use/control it better becomes immediately obvious to the viewer. combine that with the philosophy behind each type of bending and the way that characters take bending inspiration from types different than their own, and you’ve got a system that is complex, flexible, believable, internally consistent, and just plain fun! it makes action sequences a blast. i especially liked the moments when bending was stretched to its limits in totally logical ways (metalbending, bloodbending). not to mention the way that bending is seamlessly integrated into the world of avatar! the example that comes to mind is the earthbending-powered transport system of omashu. a whole essay could be written on that topic alone!

criticism: i know this is a sentiment shared by many people, but the first season was kind of boring to me. some of the humor and the plots felt hit-or-miss. of course, it needed to take that time to establish the world, and it does a great job of doing that. it just didn’t hook me until the second season.

favorite character: i love toph she’s so much fun :) iroh is a close second! and zuko is great, too, of course

favorite arc: i loved ba sing se a ton, especially the episode when they get there and everything feels off. it felt so resonant with real life, in a very fun way. there’s a reason “there is no war in ba sing se” is a meme…

other commentary: what can i say? it’s a classic for a damn good reason. the plot is tight, and it does a great job raising tension and introducing new elements and twists. i also love the care put into the antagonists, especially azula, who has a fascinating arc.

mob psycho 100

pitch: a middle schooler and a charismatic con artist team up to smite ghosts using extrasensory powers. thing is, only the middle schooler actually has ESP, and it happens to be really, really powerful. can he navigate the difficult world of middle school while also getting a better grip on his powers—and his bottled-up emotions?

stands out for: the way that MP100 uses animation is excellent. it takes a little getting used to but it’s just so fun, combining all sorts of different techniques to create an experience rich with drama and emotion. it’s playfully exaggerated and self-parodying, adding to the show’s fantastic sense of humor as well as its truly emotional moments.

criticism: the way that ESP works makes suspension of disbelief tricky. it’s a great feat to introduce a character who is essentially all-powerful and still make them interesting (even in fight scenes), but at times (especially the second season finale) it felt like a magic system with too much breadth and too few limitations. this might just be my bias for hard magic systems talking, though.

favorite character: other than mob and reigen? probably teru. he’s loads of fun AND all the season 1 episodes he’s in slap hard

favorite episode: the one where the girl asks mob out on a date as a dare.. it’s super cute

other commentary: thank you mp100 for being the leftist propaganda we all deserve <3

in all seriousness though, this show is a blast!! it does a great job switching between silly and serious in the blink of an eye. i also really appreciate the way that it balances comically huge stakes with much smaller, more personal stories. for example, the conflict between mob and reigen in season 2 is especially well-done. in general the emotions just feel so real? characters whose emotions tie into their powers are an excellent trope, and mob is a wonderful protagonist who exemplifies this really well.

finally, on a more critical note—there are so many characters in this show! and it feels like only a handful are fleshed out? however, this may be due to the fact that it’s not an adaptation of the entire manga (which i haven’t read). there’s a lot more to go! more characters to dive into! so i probably shouldn’t try to critique it in the same way as a finished work.

demon slayer / kimetsu no yaiba

pitch: demons kill a boy’s family and turn his sister into a demon, so he decides to try and figure out a way to turn his sister back into a human. what follows is a demon-killing adventure that’s in equal parts harrowing, poignant, and hilarious.

stands out for: there’s not much i can say about this other than “please just take a look” but the art and design is phenomenal. it does a much better job of integrating 2D and 3D than a lot of other animated series, and overall it is just so so pretty! all the character designs are complex, memorable, and fit the characters perfectly. the color choices are interesting and satisfying. i also really like the sound design? not often that i notice that in a show. i’ve watched so many KNY amvs by now lol it’s just amazing animation

criticism: the narration style leans too heavily towards tell instead of show. this is mostly an issue with the first few episodes, but i got super annoyed by how much the show would narrate every single one of tanjirou’s thoughts instead of letting us infer those thoughts through his actions and reactions—the latter, i think, would have been more emotionally impactful. sometimes silence speaks louder than words! tanjirou was also not the world’s most compelling protagonist in my opinion, though i think that mostly has to do with my own tastes.

favorite character: *holds up zenitsu* I Just Think He’s Neat. i actually kind of lost it when he first used his powers, like… damn i love characters with weird relationships with their magic like that. i also think the narrative about how having a solid foundation is sometimes more important than knowing a ton of different moves was really powerful. and he’s just funny! pathetic boy i love him

favorite arc: really just the whole spider arc. fucked up man… i love it. they pulled off that last twist so well, and all the family stuff was so weird and complex and emotional…

other commentary: it’s just a really solid and very well-written show! the team of tanjirou, zenitsu, and inosuke is so much fun… bro bonding :) i also quite like the horror elements; it’s fucked up but in a good way. finally, this is very specific, but the demon that can alter buildings/rooms through drumbeats? appealed to me very much. it’s a cool and unique power!

fullmetal alchemist: brotherhood

pitch: two kids do some fucked up alchemy and end up getting parts of their body stolen by god. now they’re on a quest to get their bodies back, but find themselves wrapped up in crazy government conspiracies and alchemy more powerful than they ever could’ve imagined…

stands out for: plot. by this i mean less overall concept (though the overall concept is pretty great too), and more that the pacing and progression of the story is extraordinarily tight. for the most part (the first few episodes are a little weak but i’ll let it slide), it does an excellent job establishing its premise and building on it logically, adding layers and layers that extend naturally from what we already know. everything has a reason for happening; everything is revealed in good time and all the twists are super satisfying. there’s great balance between exciting moments and quiet moments. it’s just very good at being a story!

(fun fact: i’m reading the manga right now and so far it’s even better paced than the show, which is super interesting! it’s especially good at how it lays out pieces of the backstory and then fills everything in later in a really satisfying way.)

criticism: this is incredibly specific but it’s what comes to mind as something that bothered me: winry’s character arc was really disappointing. for most of the series she’s a pretty strong character, but in the end it feels like she gets pushed aside, defined only by her relationship with ed. what happened to her wanting to take action more? that was a specific desire she expressed—wanting to be less passive! since she’s such an important character, i wish she could have had more presence in the last season other than as a sounding board for the elric bros’ emotions. (even though her one scene in the last episode was really good and emotional…)

favorite character: other than the elric bros, absolutely ling. he fits into multiple of my favorite character archetypes (fun, silly, bastard, gets possessed…) and he’s just overall a delight. plus his relationship with greed is really really good. bro bonding at its peak!! (my other favorite is pride. i will not say why because spoilers. but if you know me.. you know)

favorite episode: this is really really hard to choose but i’m gonna go with envy’s death because. holy shit.

other commentary: i’m a really big fan of the complex and nuanced way in which FMAB breaks down militaristic, imperial regimes from the inside. many of the characters have done awful things, and the story forces them to grapple with that and accept that all they can do now is be better in the future. the moral complexity is just really good! characters with flaws—we love to see it!

finally, parts of this story seem so so catered to Me Specifically that it’s no wonder i got so into it. like just the entire premise? the way that so much of the conflict is built out of identity crisis and exploring the nature of consciousness and human vs inhuman? beautiful. i love ed and al so much

*

if you made it all the way to the end, thank you so much for reading!! glad to have finally gotten this done (3 months late…) and put all my thoughts down. i hope this inspires someone to try watching one of the shows i discussed!

[yikesharringrove]

I just had this random man message me saying that as a white female I was fetishising m/m relationships by reading and writing fics. And like first, wtf does being white have to do with anything? Second, I’m gender queer and asexual? And like? Are we only supposed to read/write relationships that are like us personally? That’s the WHOLE PROBLEM. Sorry for randomly dumping this on you but I wanted to see if you’d gotten anything similar

lmaOO

I am VERY lucky that I have actually never gotten a negative comment in my inbox or anything. I thank you all for that.

I’m so sorry this weirdo did that.

I think it’s important to writes about things you are passionate about! Personally, I do SO MUCH research when I write about an experience I’m unfamiliar with, that I end up learning a lot and in the end, I’m much better for it. For all of my nb Steve fics, I read through blogs and articles written by nb people about their experiences, their thoughts and feelings, and just generally how they navigate the world. I have come to understand so much more about how different people experience their identities and I genuinely believe it has opened up my mind that much more!

Also, I take issue when people say that people who are not mlm cannot enjoy art and fiction about mlm but turn around and fetishize the fuck out of wlw.

It’s true, many queer people are fetishized, but a lot of fanfiction is written by queer people.

For me, as a cis female, I read and write harringrove because I love these two as characters. I’ve written them as women, as trans women, as nonbinary, not just mlm. Fiction is where we get to explore parts of ourselves, (like me projecting my trauma and depression onto Steve) and things we have NO understanding of.

And fanfiction isn’t always smut. There’s actually SO MUCH out there that is just nice fluffy things, or deep angst. Fanfiction to me means that you’re just writing within an established world. And even THAT’S flexible. I mean, for harringrove, you have modern aus, no monster aus. And esp with Billy and Steve, we know SO LITTLE about them from canon, at this point, when I write them, they feel like OCs.

As for the way I write, I take requests from the community (I have 122 requests right now lol) which means that oftentimes I will be presented with requests for things I have never experienced. These just means that I go internet exploring. I learn new things and understand different people. It’s one of my favorite things in the WORLD that I get to flesh these situations out for you all. To me, it means that folks like the way I write and want to explore some version of themselves through my writing. We all project onto characters. I started writing so that I could get my emotions out in a healthy way and project onto them. Other people ask me to project onto these two for them.

While I think it’s important to learn about what and who you are writing about, such as researching before you write, if you put in the effort to learn, you can write about whatever the fuck you want, as far as I’m concerned.

I also have said many times, that in writing experiences I am unfamiliar with, I welcome conversation around those experiences. If I write something that is ignorant and problematic, I want to be told why. I want to learn what exactly makes me wrong and I want to improve myself and correct it, and I KNOW many creators feel the same.

There is also something interesting I read once, and I can’t find it, but about how many cis women enjoy mlm fiction because it can be a way to explore our own sexuality without feeling threatened or unsafe, which is such an interesting point. For me, I often write Steve as pansexual. I like to say that he just has so much love to give, he’s not very picky with who he gives it to, that he is much more drawn to a person’s energy and spirit than what they got goin’ on. That is exactly how I feel, and I like to be able to explore that and voice it through my work.

I haven’t been involved much in fandom before coming to Harringrove, so I can’t speak for others, but based on the people I have spoken with, this fandom is FULL of LGBTQ+ people.

In summation, let people enjoy the things they want. As long as no one is getting hurt in the process, what the fuck does it matter.

But I mean, to be fair, if shitty white men stuck to their guns, there would be so much less terrible erotica where women are just like, thinking about their tits all day smh

[noctomania]

As Someone Who Didn’t Vote For 10 Years: Your Vote Matters.

Hey. So, let’s chat. Or rather, hear me out.

I turned 18 in 2006. I did not vote until 2016. Bc even I saw through my apathy & prioritized trying to combat potential fascism. You can get an idea of how many elections one sits out of over a 10yr span here. It’s a lot & I should have done my part much sooner. Though I could say “well I was in college from 2007-2012 & &&” no. Not an excuse. I had time no doubt. I was just apathetic. I have reflections for those who continue to abstain from their right & duty to vote.

I remember my parents encouraging me to register to vote. I think it was part of applying for my license or something. I can’t remember if I ever registered with a party, but I think in TX in order to vote you have to be registered with a party. In any case, since I’ve been registered in the north I haven’t been part of a party bc I too felt the whole thing was a sham. I was still remembering the robbery that was Bush’s terms. TWO WHOLE TERMS. I remember seeing my mom cry when he won his first term. I remember hearing about all the awful shit he was doing as president from my dad & stepmom.

But I also remember thinking: “Why isn’t anyone doing anything?”

It can be incredibly disheartening & frustrating & downright angering to hear about atrocities without hearing about the forces fighting back. Death & Drama sells.

I wasn’t eligible to vote when bush was running. Then Obama came along & I was like “Great, surely my blue state I live in now is all for him & I don’t gotta bother - y'all got my order.”

Your. Vote. Matters.

Obama was an incredible victory. I will never allude to him ever being perfect bc he, just like every other president, has had to make tough decisions that do not always work out, or they make decisions you outright disagree with. He’s just part of the spectrum of what we’ve known, but he was the first Black president of a nation that was built & raised on destroying Native communities & enslaving Black people. That was & will remain significant. As you can imagine, during that time of not voting I also was not entirely involved in racial matters as much as I should have been despite what I was actively learning about in college. I sunk into apathy.

Apathy is a comfort not afforded to everyone. It is not an option for everyone as a means of survival. Were Black communities & of color to sink entirely into apathy they would be completely wiped out bc there are organized white supremacists who spend every waking hour trying to find new ways to attack in covert & not-so-covert ways - voter suppression, intimidation, manipulation, propaganda. Apathy is a privilege. A white privilege that even a kid raised on free lunches at school & hand-me-downs from neighbors could afford.

Your. Vote. Matters.

Let’s talk symbolism. “My refusal to vote is symbolic of my disgust with how this nation is run, how our elections are corrupt, to show my hatred of the electoral college, my vote doesn’t matter anyway bc ...”

You’re right. Your vote is symbolic. But not for what you think.

When you don’t vote, that is like not replying to a message. The nation poses a question to all voters: Who do you want to represent you? If you don’t reply to the email, your input isn’t counted at all. There is no footnote to say “I didn’t vote bc of such-and-such reason.” You might have been unconscious. You might have forgotten. You might have not cared. You might care very much.

But there is literally no job in the entire election process who’s responsibility is to sit in an office & contemplate why Jared in Oklahoma didn’t cast a vote.

“Gee, I sure hope Jared is ok. Is he mad at us? I guess he might want change...”

No. The way you show that you are not happy with how things are going is to vote. THAT is how you send the sentiment of “Hey so this isn’t great I’d like to try moving this way.” But we can’t really make progress without continuing to push. Even when things look like they’re going well (”Hey, we got a Black guy in office, we’re doing great with the racism stuff!”) you gotta keep pushing - which is why you need to be able to realize the ones you do vote for need to be criticized as well. Obviously, there will be myths & the ones about Obama probably hit a record tally on that with how angry a Black person as president made the racists in this country feel, but there are valid criticisms as well that should not be overlooked if we want to know how to push for a better tomorrow, or to avoid accidentally electing a new nightmare bc you aren’t getting immediate results from who you thought was going to change the world. It’s a lot to put on one president. It would take multiple terms, beyond 2, to really see a shift considering they may be combating an opposing congress or supreme court. 

The only reason your vote matters is because it is symbolic. If we all had esp we wouldn’t need to vote. Writing on a form that looks different depending on where you are yet all cumulatively results in the tallying for ONE election is entirely symbolic. That’s not an argument against voting, it’s proof as to why you should vote. Symbolism is not without consequence. Look at every book-burning that has ever happened. Our ideas are symbolic until they are put into practice. Your vote is your idea. We can’t read your mind. And the government isn’t reading your blog being like “GiantD0ngB0ng really said it best when they said ‘Fuck politicians’. That really change our perspective on how we had been running this nation. You’re right GiantD0ngB0ng, you’re right.”

If we had elected Hillary after Obama, we wouldn’t be so fucking bad with corona bc she wouldn’t have dismembered the pandemic response Obama had built due to swine flu, we wouldn’t be nearly as worried about ACA, we would still absolutely have criticisms bc no matter Woman, Black, Hispanic, Immigrant, Trans, Disabled, Homeless, or any combination of intersection of minorities, nobody is perfect. Nobody knows all the answers. Thus a decentralized government model that will only remain anywhere near as such if we stop letting fascists & bad faith actors get power by using our symbolic vote to say no.

Most everyone HATES group projects. I certainly do. If any people enjoy them, there are still likely aspects of it that rub them the wrong way like having a partner that doesn’t contribute. Guess what.

Elections are group projects.

I believe it was EvelynFromTheInternets who made me realize that, & echoes much of the same sentiment I have written in this.

And at 5:55 she says: What Are You Going To Do On November 4th bc We Are Still Fighting For Suffrage. We have to keep pushing & working towards a better tomorrow, today. None of it will amount to much if people are not voting. You can campaign & fundraising & educate all you want. But if people don’t vote it’s all for nothing. You need both.

“ As of June 2020, the United States had the highest number of incarcerated individuals worldwide, with more than 2.12 million people in prison “ This is absolutely part of the bigger problem & yet another way people have been disheartened. It’s on purpose. They don’t want disenfranchised communities to be able to vote. So we - those of us who don’t have to wait in lines for hours, those of us who don’t face racial violence, those of us who can choose apathy & laziness for a decade with little to no personal consequence - must vote symbolically for them.

If you want your vote to mean something then vote for them. Vote for the people who are still ineligible to vote even though they aren’t in prison anymore. Vote for the people who despite working more than you do, harder than you do, for less than you do, still have to pay taxes & still denied the right to vote. Vote for the people who can’t vote bc police murdered them. Vote for the people who wait 10 hours in line to vote & are turned away when they finally get to the front of the line. Vote for those who don’t have the right to relinquish in the first place. Hell you can even vote for those who do vote anyway but have been misled by propaganda. Bc if you don’t, eventually we all will sink. You may be in the upper class of the titanic but in the end the whole ship is going down & you may just have the opportunity to slowly freeze out in the dark ocean on a lifeboat with all your rich strangers with the slim chance at survival rather than swallowed immediately by the sea like those who were locked in the lower levels to keep them from access to rescue.

At 7:24 Evelyn hits another really important part that I think drives my whole point home: as a Black woman her actual life, & those who share her experience, is on the line constantly in this country & much of this world. It is not entirely as symbolic to some people as it is to the more privileged populations.

Sure, your vote is symbolic, & sure you not voting is absolutely symbolic. But the only thing not voting is symbolic of is your apathy, your own privilege to choose that & think you’ll be fine & that it’s other people who need to “wake up”. No babe, it’s you. Wake up to the wider consequences of symbolic gestures.

Your vote matters whether it’s electoral college or popular vote. Your vote matters to getting closer to an admin that will enable popular vote as the determinant & eradicate the electoral college. Your vote matters whether you’re in a “blue” state or a “red” state or a battleground state. A state is only red or blue until it’s not. I come from TX I know about that shit. The only reason “battleground” states are a focus is bc they fluctuate more often than others, that doesn’t make others ineligible to change. Your vote matters bc you may be only a portion of the overall grade, but the overall grade affects everyone. It will impact others more harshly than you.

Your Vote Matters.

I want to add one last note: voting doesn’t happen once every 4 years, & it’s never JUST about president. If you don’t go vote at all, you are neglecting the more local stuff as well which is what affects the bigger elections. If all you do during a group project is read one line during the presentation in class, the grade will reflect you lack of effort elsewhere throughout the project. If I showed up & only voted for president & nothing else it would be for nothing. Racist & bigoted GOP will vote all red all the time up & down ballot. It’s not about age either. If your vote didn’t matter then they wouldn’t sink so much money & effort into trying to prevent people from doing it.

[ardenttheories]

Could you do a seer of heart/thief of heart? Your analyses are really thought out, and i love the meanings you give to each aspect to genuinely flesh them out more (esp with hope)! Tysm!!

Already gone over the Thief of Heart here - which also links to an older post I wrote on the topic with even more info!

The Seer of Heart is someone who Sees and Leans about Heart, which is Individuality, Emotion, Identity, Passion, Love, Souls, and the sense of Self.

Like other Seers, the Seer of Heart starts off with a Benefactor that teaches them what Heart is. This might just be a very prominent Individual - someone who started a movement, or who understands a fair bit about the various different Identities that exist - or a full on Lover with a little more experience than them in relationships with a good grip on their Emotions.

Through this person, the Seer starts to Learn about Heart as a whole. Bit by bit they gain an understanding of it through their interactions; maybe the person explains different romantic/sexual/gender identities, or maybe they explain different movements like punk and grime. 

Maybe they just teach the Seer how to read people, and don’t have a particularly active or intentional role in this. It might just be that the person in question is very reserved, closed off, and doesn’t tend to express - and the Seer makes it their goal to try and understand how this specific person ticks. 

Or on the other hand, maybe they’re literally so imbued with Heart - with Love and Emotion and Passion and Individuality - that the Seer is almost accosted by their Aspect on a daily basis. It’d be hard not to Learn how everything works after that. 

As their understanding grows, the Seer changes. 

They initially come across as very quiet and shy, maybe a little Insecure; they understand things about themselves, but maybe not all of it, and have a big interest in people watching. They like trying to pick apart who a person is and what they’re like just by glimpsing at them, deciphering what might be going through their head at the time in relation to other people.

For instance, seeing a group of three people together, the Seer of Heart will spend a rather long amount of time watching them trying to puzzle out which pair is the couple, or which person has a crush on the other. They’d try to figure out who’s leading the others around - if one is Passionate about the thing they’re doing while the others are not - and what sort of Individual the person is - such as by looking at the he/him patches on one of their bags, or the little sticker of a popular show on one’s jacket, likely forgotten. 

They’re not very involved people, and might not even be that popular or have that many friends. They might not even seek anyone out besides their Benefactor (who may even have just latched onto the Seer rather than the other way around), and might be easily overwhelmed by social interactions.

Their inability to initially read people might be what makes it so hard for them; they never know what people are thinking, what they’re like, what they like, what the right choice is to do or say or make - and so they decide to just sit out a bit and watch instead. 

Since Seers also struggle with their Aspect - usually because of an initial but mild lack of it - they might struggle to act on Impulse. They might not be honest about their Passions or even See them as Passions, calling them hobbies or just silly little things they do. They might be embarrassed about the things they Love, or of the fact that they’re in Love, and almost definitely don’t know how to handle PDA.

Despite their shy demeanour, they’re probably very Emotional people - they just don’t know when to show those emotions or if they’re reacting to the right things. They might be a little ditzy like that, reacting out of place and then getting very embarrassed by it. They might sometimes wait for someone else to react so they know what the right cue is, or shuffle back a little if their response was going to be different.

They also likely struggle to Define themselves. They know the depths of their Soul and mostly their Identity, but they don’t know how to best represent that. Is a patch good enough? A pride flag? Is that too much? How many pins and stickers should they have on their bad for each of their interests? Would it be weird to have a sticker for gardening? Should they style their hair after an artist they like? Maybe after a band’s style? Should they go for something completely new that’s wholly them?

When they become Realised - after they’ve gone through the Learning process, and once they start to really understand what Heart is - they come out of their shells and are Bold and Defined people. 

The Seer opens up a lot more, becomes more delighted by the concept of sharing themselves with the world - their Identity, their Passions, their Loves, all of it. There’s no hiding who they are, or the Unique Personality that belongs to them.

They’re significantly more confident when it comes to people, often allowing themselves to react however they like rather than overthinking if it’s right or wrong, and yet somehow they always seem to do the right thing anyway. They’re the definition of a people person, and it’s very likely that just being themselves draws people in. 

They’re much more Emotional now, and don’t tend to hide what they feel. They understand the importance of just getting it all out, and accept that every now and then you need to tuck yourself away and cry it out a little, or let your anger out on something that won’t be hurt by it. They’re likely to encourage others to do this, too; the perfect counselor, but one who knows their own limits and when they have to stop, too.

Of course, this wouldn’t be Heart if we didn’t talk about Shipping. They’re amazing matchmakers, Seeing exactly who will work best together and doing everything they can to make it happen. They can See who won’t work well, too, and can go out of their way to make sure that those Relationships don’t happen.

To become Realised, the Seer just has to act. That’s pretty much it. They need to go out there, full ham, rather than just gently talk to people and encourage them. They need to lead everyone forward with what they can See, and make sure that their visions come true with active work rather than passive explanations. 

In other words, instead of just saying “oh, you know, I think they’d be really good with this person” or “you know, I think maybe they’re not getting the whole identity thing” the Seer of Heart has to go out of their way to make those things a reality - maybe by setting up a date or a situation where two people are stuck in one place for a fairly long period of time, or by trying to actively help the person figure out what their Identity is rather than just introducing them to the general idea. 

So while a Mage of Heart might just explain what it means to be trans and help get rid of internalised transphobia so the person can more easily Understand themself, a Seer of Heart will ensure that the person ends up in the exact circumstances that will lead to their acceptance. 

For the Seer of Heart, I did actually go over what they’d be able to see here, so I won’t focus on that aspect of it too much. 

To go in depth a bit more just for some interesting thoughts;

The Seer of Heart would be able to see events that cause big changes in a person’s Identity. For instance, they’d be able to see, Post Earth C, that Dirk suddenly reverts back to his old Self - and they’d be able to prevent that from happening so long as they thought to check that far down his Soul’s timeline.

They’d be able to See every time he might change, and how they could facilitate that change. So, they’d be able to See (just by looking at Dirk when he first enters the game) that much further down the line he’ll have a conversation with someone he loves that will change him for the better. They’d See a rooftop, and maybe a green sky, and they’d definitely be able to See the red Soul curled up next to his, rife with Emotion. 

They’d also be able to See that, if this event does not come to pass, Dirk’s Soul won’t change. 

Likewise, they’d be able to See that Terezi’s Soul suddenly becomes overrun by the Purple of Gamzee’s at one point in her Timeline, and that Meulin seems to be overrun by this Purple almost all the time. 

This doesn’t mean they can See the Alpha Timeline specifically, or even that they can See what’s going to happen overall. It’s very limited to a change in a person’s sense of Self or Identity, maybe just a sharp change in their Emotional state. They’d have no clue if the Alpha Timeline needs Dirk to have that rooftop talk with Dave or not, but they’d be able to See that Dirk becomes a better person for it. 

Also, Seeing Splinters. Since you did ask for the Thief and Seer in conjunction, it seems fitting to mention this; the Seer would be able to glance at the Thief and See this Amalgamation of Selves surrounding the Thief’s Soul. They’d also be able to See the Heir as they move around in Soul form, and they’d be able to see (for example) that Lil Cal doesn’t have one set Soul, but several Souls shoved together. 

[alley-cat-sunflower]

Status update!

Hello! Alley here, finally!

You may have noticed I’ve vanished from the face of the earth lately. In case my terse and sporadic update posts aren’t enough to tell you why I’ve been so inaccessible, I think it’s about time I give you something to explain what I’ve been doing, and maybe even a promise to come back online sooner rather than later. (But it’s gonna get a little long, so I’m throwing this under a cut. I apologize to those of you who can’t see it.)

As most of you know, I’m in my last semester of college. More importantly, I’m so far along in said last semester that I literally just have to take one final a week from today—the day before graduation, actually—and then I’m home fucking free after five years of torment!!!

Anyway, the whole semester has been super busy, what with holding down an internship and three classes all required for graduation (and that pressure has been real). One of those classes was “Math and the Human Imagination”, which unsurprisingly involved analyzing imaginary numbers. I’m ashamed to admit that despite my favorite professor’s best efforts, the course did absolutely nothing to help my understanding of mathematics. Another of those classes was “Bollywood and Globalization”, which is the one in which I still have a final. I have hopes that I’ll do well, if only because I’ve enjoyed the course enough to pay attention.

The last class was my “Senior Synthesis”, which purports itself the crowning experience of a Liberal Studies major, in which you can basically do whatever the fuck you want as long as you can present it to the class in the form of a speech/slideshow, a poster, and an essay. Because there are roughly three things I care about, I chose one of them and had an unironically marvelous time drawing a bazillion connections between BTS’s Bangtan Universe and Hermann Hesse’s Demian. I was scheduled to present in the first possible week, in mid-April, and spent 24 total hours out of the weekend before pulling together my presentation (because I’m broken and think that’s fun—I’d have spent just as much time on it even if I hadn’t had to for the project). As part of it, I made a six-minute video you can watch here if you like, which showcases some of the specific connections I examined.

Speaking of BTS in conjunction with April, though, that brings me to their new album. And can I just say, holy shit. I still wasn’t over “Intro: Persona” by the time the whole thing dropped, so every time I listen to the album, I’m shook all over again to this day. Thanks to timezone shenanigans, my mother the ARMY had me wake her at 1:45am on April 12 so we could be awake for the festivities. We saw the “Boy with Luv” MV the moment it came out… and then proceeded to watch it with and without subs about five times. While that was going on, I bought Map of the Soul: Persona on iTunes the second it was available and burned a CD. After that, my mom suggested going out to a deserted parking lot and blasting it in the car so we could enjoy it at a decent volume, since we didn’t want to wake the neighbors. So we did, and let me tell you, hearing “Dionysus” for the first time at full volume in the dead of night can’t be beat. That whole adventure is a memory I’ll cherish forever.

There have been a lot of those lately, especially in conjunction with BTS, and this brings me to how absolutely insane this past week has been. I’d like to lead into last weekend by stating in no uncertain terms that I owe @lightningswrath​ my very life for managing to land us tickets to not one, but both BTS concerts at the Rose Bowl this past weekend. They were both indescribably beautiful, though the second one in particular was perfect—not least because I actually remembered to eat that day, so I was no longer trying to process overwhelming emotions on an empty stomach. However, the experience wasn’t as surreal as I expected; I did feel elevated, but also oddly grounded. Despite their awe-inspiring stage presence and sense of showmanship, the members are also so genuine as people that I couldn’t help but accept their presence in front of me.

(Incidentally, if you’re an ARMY and haven’t looked up Namjoon’s speech on 190505, please do; the man is a true sage and I feel incredibly honored to have heard such profound words in person. The only reason I didn’t record it myself was because I was so absorbed in the moment.)

Alas, every silver lining has its cloud. This past weekend has given me an unforgettable set of experiences in the best way, but I am most definitely suffering the consequences of not being able to do any schoolwork. We couldn’t leave until after my class a week ago, and we had to come back early enough on Monday that I could make it to my last math class and explain two chapters of a book I didn’t understand. On Tuesday, I had to attend the last day of my internship and then design and construct a poster, which I finished on Wednesday morning before completing a three-page evaluation of my math class—which was supposed to have been due on Monday, but I completely spaced it out—and then presenting my poster.

But That’s Not All. Yesterday, I wrote and turned in another three-page evaluation, this time of my internship, before immediately heading home to work on my synthesis essay, which was supposed to be 15 pages. Thankfully, I actually enjoy writing about all the crazy-detailed connections between BTS and Demian, but I still only finished it in the nick of time today (at a whopping 24 pages, not counting the works cited, because I can’t be brief when I’m busy being passionate) before heading to class. I had just gotten home from that when I started writing this post, and I’ll have to leave in another couple hours to go out dancing with some friends. After that, as mentioned, I only have one final left, and then I’ll have a degree in Liberal Studies with an English minor.

Which begs the question several people have already asked me: what next?

Thankfully, my internship has provided me with a ready answer, because they decided to ask me to come in as a paid part-timer over the summer! So I can at least tell people I’m going to be continuing my foray into the field of editing and publishing. But aside from career-related stuff, I also have a lot of things I’d like to do now that I won’t have academia weighing me down anymore. Enough that I can honestly make an entire list of… uh, goals? wishes? for the rest of the year:

Finish some of my ongoing fanfiction

Work on some of my original fiction

Find more time to write and post in general

Dance more often (and learn some BTS choreography)

Get into more K-pop (VAV, Monsta X, SHInee, etc.)

Help my mother sell stuff on eBay and pay back the $500 I owe her

Buy more BTS albums/merch and FFXV’s Episode Ardyn

Play and/or replay more video games, esp. otome

Plan my move up north with @chibitorra​

Move all my stuff out of my dad’s house

Sort through everything I own and get rid of half of it

Pick up my Japanese studies again

Maybe start learning Korean???

Watch more Bollywood films

Read more Hesse, Jung, and Nietzsche

I also intend to resume some of my online activities and become more socially accessible again, but I doubt I will ever be as active or consistent in any fandoms as I once was, although I hope to compensate for this by writing more for them. Given that my former fever-pitch of online activity was born of a desire to escape reality, and by now I’ve finally found more of a place in the real world, this is most certainly for the best.

Anyway, that’s the tale of where I’ve been, where I am now, and where I’m headed next! I hope that gives you something to work with if you’ve been curious about what I’ve been up to. Thank you so much for reading, and I hope life has been kind to you too!

[midautumnnightdream]

Please ramble more about your les Mis/LOTR crossover concept! Where does each ami find themselves when they wake up, how/where/in what order do they find each other, what do they do upon finding themselves in Arda? I want to know all about this.

Friend! I'm being Very Enabled :D

(uh sorry it took me so long to answer; the last couple of weeks turned out to be A Lot, but the EXTREME WALL OF TEXT of this ramble might at least justify the delay. Consider yourself warned!)

Anyway!

Okay, as I said before, the basis of this concept is Pure Aesthetics, so any "logic" is derived from moving backwards from the result that I wanted. But! There is a sort of method to the madness, which is that the Amis are distributed to Middle-Earth in the same order as they die, spiraling outwards from the central point of somewhere-in-Rohan on the same date they die –so Prouvaire and Bahorel appear closest to each other on the 5th of June 3018 and Feuilly, Joly, Bossuet, Courfeyrac and Combeferre land in a loose circle around them a day later, increasingly further away from each other, but not super far. Grantaire and Enjolras, For Reasons, get propelled a lot further away in separate directions. But more of that later.

So! Bahorel and Prouvaire find each other pretty quickly and establish that something Extremely Weird has happened. Being themselves, they are more excited than confused or upset about the situation and immediately set about exploring this new world. In a way, out of all the Amis they are perhaps the most suited for it: Rohan with vast countryside and mountains and mysterious forests, with the oral culture that honours the poet and glorifies the warrior; the horses, the tapestries, even the shadow of some great evil they do not yet understand but can feel in every unspoken concern – it's something of a Romantic medievalist's dream, isn't it? Sure, they also hear Some Bullshit about the way this country is run and have every intention of doing something about that in the future, but for the time being they are satisfied wandering about the countryside, exchanging songs and stories and exploring that forest they have been warned away from by everyone they meet. (Yes, they totally make friends with the ents, is what I'm saying.) They don't search for the other Amis because they have no reason to assume anyone else died –as far as they know, they're busy living happily in a new Republic. They learn otherwise soon enough, however.

What exactly happens with the next four Amis at first is the part that i'm least clear about – they'd have the same kind of initial confusion about the situation and P&B, but they each know for sure that all their friends should also be dead, and would try to look for them. Probably causing some Unsettling Rumours to spread a bit further than is strictly speaking ideal, but i also want most of them to find each other reasonably quickly, because the group dynamic is more of what i'm into here (esp because Bossuet probably landed somewhere terribly unlucky, poor dude.) Other than that I'm not sure, except that I want Feuilly somewhere with Dunlendings for a little while, because I can just *see* him having Unpopular Dunlending Opinions and getting glowered at by every Rohirrim he stubbornly voices them to.

Anyway, eventually I want that group to come together and... not quite settle, but to have something like a temporary home they can share and come back to, as they figure out what to do next. A place just outside of Edoras, perhaps? The kind of community that is getting increasingly twitchy about the state of affairs in Meduseld, enough to shelter this incredibly weird but friendly and helpful bunch of strangers whom Wormtongue is oh-so-curious about and to help dispel wilder rumours about them ("look they are just foreigners okay? From, um, Lake town. Yeah, Lake town"). Of course, healers are appreciated wherever they go, and so are bards, especially when they have a whole repertoire of songs and stories no one has heard before. Bahorel and Courfeyrac probably know their way around horses, for different reasons, Feuilly also has the kind of skills that would be appreciated and Bossuet, for all his bad luck has the resiliency of a cat who always lands on his feet. And if the lot of them get a bit Sarcastic about monarchy and tend to express the kind of ideas that might get everyone involved into a lot of trouble, well. People are Not happy and they'd welcome anything that goes counter to Orthanc influence in Edoras. Bahorel and Prouvaire still go wandering sometimes, leaving with the herders taking horses to pastures, in effort to find out more about what's going on and how they can help to influence events. But mostly, the Amis stick together.

Things are a bit... tense, once the inital shock passes. There is a lot of unspoken grief between them, for the home and people that are lost to them, for the revolution that could have been, for the future they cannot quite see themselves having in this world, and in a strange way, for each other. The whole situation is just so weird they have no idea how to process it and nothing to measure it against. On top of that, there are people missing in their group: by the time all seven of them come together, it's pretty clear it's just Amis showing up in this world, not everyone who dies, and knowing that the barricade was on a brink of a collapse, it'd make sense for Grantaire and Enjolras to be there too. Still, there is a possibility that they survived, by being taken prisoner or in R's case for being missed because he was asleep – and at this point, no one can quite figure out which option they should be hoping for. Not to mention, Enjolras absence shifts the group dynamic around quite a bit and each of them finds themselves having to pick up some emotional slack – which they do, quite well, but in addition to obvious obligations of coordination and decision-making, there is stuff like Bahorel having to pick fights with Combeferre when he's stressed, so he could argue his heart out without having to hold back, or Courfeyrac and Lesgle taking extra time to attentively listen to Feuilly when he's having Dunlending Opinions. On top of that, they are still trying to find a place in this new world and there is this sense of tense expectation, of coming storm.

Grantaire though. He takes Enjolras's hand, he smiles and when he wakes up, he's in Gondor of all places, all alone and very far from everyone he ever knew. "Now why would you do this, you monster??" you might think. And the answer is, well, symmetry. Aesthetic. Enjolras finds himself alone. So Grantaire must be alone too. On top of that, there is the appeal of our guy Grantaire, just after his big moment of revelation, being put into a situation where he has to live with the full implications of it, without being able to revert back to the expectations as he might if he was surrounded by his friends. Gondor is complicated sort of place. Denethor... is not going to miss a universe-traveler landing in his backyard. Nor would he neither dismiss him out of hand or trust him fully. He knows there is a reason for this, but there is no way to figure out what it could be, no more than he can figure out Grantaire; still reeling with the exhilaration of taking a leap of faith, in some ways a transfigured man, but still with all his foibles. Including talking too much, in references that no one in this world could possibly decipher.

So what happens is, once Faramir catches on to what's happening (because no way is Faramir either going to miss an universe-traveler in his backyard) Denethor pretty much hands R over to him, like "Yeah keep an eye on him and figure out what he's on about, or at least get him to shut up." and whooo boy do i have Thoughts about this character combination. Because Grantaire would be like. Reminded of half of his friends within minutes of meeting this guy (which, ouch) but also.. those sure are some Politics he's got there. Would there be A Debate? Sooner or later, probably! Probably despite Grantaire's better judgement! When on one hand you've got someone who is very convinced of the moral righteousness of his opinions, but is also very open to discussion and very very curious and discerning about what people are not saying, and on the other hand a person who is riddled with guilt over convictions unspoken, who perhaps feels like he owes the arguments to those who are not present to speak them, who's just... not good and not being contrary and shutting up ever. It could get really interesting – not in the sense of anyone getting Converted here, but I feel like both of them would end up with lot to think about (and Grantaire would end up as part of the team going to Ithilien at Important Moment)

And that's the other point – what would Grantaire do here, other than cautiously trying to express A Conviction? Well, mostly he'd try to keep himself afloat. In a moment of irony, in this situation he'd be the only Ami to never doubt that he's not alone in this world: partly it's the context of people around him immediately deciding his presence must serve some kind of Divine Purpose – and well, surely no Divinity would pick him to fulfill some destiny and not the other Amis right? But more than that, it's the fact that he Believes, so utterly, not only in Enjolras but in all of them, to the point of just Knowing they'd never abandon him in such a place. So he waits. And hangs on. And tries his best to fight the darkness on the horizon that seems to physically fog his mind and spirit, because he told Enjolras he's one of them, he's got to at least Try, right?

Onwards to Enjolras then! Okay this is the part that I've thought through the most and (**looks back over the length of the post so far**) Cripes. Umh, I’ll try to keep it concise?

Enjolras ends up at, or very close to Rivendell: this is both a blessing and a curse. On one hand, it's as good a place as you're ever going to find if you get dropped into a different universe with no idea what happened or how anything works, and also a very good (and very Aesthetic!) place to heal both physically or mentally but on the other hand, it's very far from where everyone else ended up and no rumour reaches him. So he has no idea what to think: he certainly hopes the others are also around somewhere, but for all his soaring faith, this is not something he can control, so he tries his best to find a way forward regardless of what happens.

So he keeps trying to learn everything he can about the world he is in, mostly with the help of a chatty old hobbit who tells him all the histories and helps him figure out the writing systems (look, everyone can just magically speak Westron okay?) And as fantastical as everything seems, and sundry dark lords notwithstanding, there is a lot that is broken about this world which is perhaps not so different from the one he left behind. All the same, it's clear that fighting Sauron must take the first priority.

(This is what he keeps telling himself when he finds out about the Heir of Isildur thing. Please just take a moment to imagine his expression.)

Anyway! The actual plot of the book would catch up soon enough, the Council of Elrond happens and as the Fellowship is being composed, it would become pretty damn clear for anyone with eyes what the Divine Forces were expecting Enjolras to do here. However, that brings me to the other point of curiousity which prompted this AU, and that is Enjolras and the Ring. Because I do feel like in his own painfully pragmatic, bright-burning idealistic way he would be pretty vulnerable to the Ring's influence. Not for a lack of self-awareness, or overconfidence, or for thinking that such means could ever be justified, but from the same impulse that had him shoot Le Cabuc: he's the sin-eater, he'd take that fall to spare the others in full expectation that they'd have to overcome him and render him harmless. And the Ring being what it is, it could use any opportunity to force such a decision, making it seem like the only option available whether that is the case or not. Even so, I'd think Enjolras would be quite self-aware – and also pretty upfront – about his own vulnerabilities and oh, it'd be such an interesting conversation to have between him and Frodo and Gandalf before a decision is made. Also, bonding with the hobbits! and the rest of the fellowship! Gimli would immediately adopt him, idk it's just the Truth. Having people ask him “are you an elf?” multiple times, which he’s so confused about! Hella awkward bonding time with Aragorn! xD

Oh and then The Plot would happen but Geez, this is already horrifyingly long. If you are still reading this and haven’t been bored to tears yet I might tell you about it another time!

[cool-prince-arsw-shoutarou]

I have finished translating the first part of Domonet’s interview with Arisawa Shoutarou! Thanks for proofreading my masterpiece, @akiyomitsu! Without you I wouldn’t achieve this great work.

The original Domonet interview part 1 can be found here.

「He’s at 120% in character when on stage」Actor  Arisawa Shoutarou’s  acting and pursuit of the role 【Recommended Figure vol 19】Part 1

Domoplus, a series of interviews introducing men of interest, had the chance to interview the actor Arisawa Shoutarou who is known for his active roles in various stages such as Izuminokami Kanesada in/from the Musical Touken Ranbu. Arisawa Shoutarou, who will be performing as Ban in the upcoming stage adaptation of “Nanatsu no Taizai,” in August of this year, talked about the opportunity to aim at the actor’s way/path and how to face the preparation for his upcoming role.

Full interview under the cut!

The hero that he admires, his inspiration to become an actor

― What inspired Arisawa-san to become an actor?

I came out to Tokyo from Hyogo Prefecture and ever since I was a child, I have been looking for someone to look up to like some kind of a hero. I love the dramas, Kamen Rider and Sentai Mono, and from then on I had that feeling of admiration. Time has passed really fast from there, I quit the extracurricular activities I have been doing on the way,「What should I do from now on?」is what I’ve been thinking that time. My mother brought me an advertisement flier for an audition,「Why not try this kind of work?」she told me.

I was longing for a hero and I liked television, so I was definitely interested in the actor's job before, but I couldn't quite pinpoint it. Then, because my mother recommended it to me,「You can aim for such a job.」, she said. I feel like I was being holding myself back, and from then I decided to never do work halfway, and to do it seriously. I was checking/searching for offices and agencies by own, sending my profile.

— So you had an edge and started working in your current agency?

Now that you mention it, I have sent a lot of documents, so it’s hard to know, right? I didn’t receive any contact (from the offices he applied to). And it was very regrettable, so I thought 「For now, I will go to the capital (Tokyo)」, and moved to Tokyo after I graduated from High School.. At that time, I still didn't know anything about the basic of acting, so I told myself, 「What I should do first is not to enter any office/agency」 so I decided to attend a training school in Tokyo. I think that what I learned from there is connected to my work now.

Being an actor, I met the new me

―  Since you have debuted as a full-fledged actor in 2015 for Hyper Projection Engeki『Haikyuu!!』as Kunimi Akira, you have performed various characters; which character have left a (big) impression/impact to you?

I often look back at the characters I have played and thinking which one of them has the impression of, 「I was able to find a good role」 or「This role is very impressive」 – I can’t decide easily. However, if there’s a role that step up among the rest, it is definitely Izuminokami Kanesada from  Musical『Touken Ranbu』.

And later I played as a high school student - Nakamura Kazuhiro for Chuubyou Gekihatsu Boy who’s experiencing a painful Junior High School 2nd year Illness (puberty), but I enjoyed that role very much. He’s wearing white gloves, and saying that there’s a “Dark God” living under the gloves. This kind of behavior (behaving in a way characteristic of teenagers going through puberty, esp. by being overly self-conscious; 2nd year of junior high sickness) is something I can’t really like. There was a time that even I was also like that, 「I want to say cool words too」. (Laughs)

However, it was a work that made me feel like I was a Junior High School who’s going through this phase too, although I didn’t show it. Besides, they seems to do a lot of stupid things, the message of the story was also very strong, and it was good that the audience enjoyed it as well. It became a turning point for me.

―  When a character’s personality is completely different from yours, do you consider it more interesting?

It is interesting.  It also makes me realize,「Even I have a side like this」and I think it’s one of the privileges of being an actor. Sometimes I think about that, there’s a lot people who have not yet express their own nature/personality….. (Laughs)

― Are you hiding it, or are you not even aware of it? (Laughs) By the way, you played a character that is so different from you – have you experienced being influenced by your character?

It is only during the period/process of being involved with the role. For example, with Izuminokami Kanesada, Hijikata Toshizou’s (manly) sword, I have a feeling that I have become the “Ora, ora” type. Because I was told that I have a very gentle personality, well it is not only his “Ora, ora” personality but also his short-temper nature. Now I think  that this is a place that is somehow strange. But now I am in front of my next work, I am just being myself.

When you stand on the stage「 You have become the 120% of your role」

― In making a role, What kind of preparation does Arisawa-san care (the most) about?

I got involved with many 2.5D works, but at first I thought「Because it is different from my own personality、I just have to shake away (from my own self) and perform.」But, I started noticing that it was not the case.

When I stand on the stage, the thing that I have to keep in mind is that I need to be 100% of the role but I think I don’t need the part, 「What I would do if I were you」 – if you put emotions and gestures like, 「I think this is what/who you are」 it will become like I’m just being "myself", and the result will be the same no matter what/which role you play. That’s why, 100% is not enough,「I will stand on the stage as if I am in that position – 120%」I have that concept inside of me.

―To get 120%、certain preparation is necessary but what kind of thing are you doing specifically?

Although it is kind of unexpected for me to say, I do not read scripts that much. Of course I read them as part of my preparation/role making at the very beginning, if it’s about history I will do my own research and have my own base. From there, I always challenge myself「Let’s act like this」and try various things I thought myself like, how to talk and act natural and become familiar with the role, the feelings that I will also propose to the director. So I think in my own way, I try to make a lot of suggestions to the director until the character is final/settled.

― So while you are practicing, you’re also doing a lot of trials and errors until you get the feeling you are close to the role.

Not only during the rehearsals, but also during the (whole) run of production. The reactions of the audience during the performance is a very big factor for me, many actors have changed since entering the production, which I think is totally natural. Because it keeps going until the rest of the performances. I also think that there’s a difference between the first day and the rest of the performances.

― Will the character be decided by living as the character, and in engaging/interacting with your co-stars?

That’s right. After all, everyone will change (to be their character). I think that’s the good quality of stage plays. Rather than simply creating the character by myself, I think there are a lot of things to learn/get from the other characters/cast as well. Even if I’m performing the same content many times, a different play is seen every day. It’s was only recently that I noticed such things. And it makes (the work) even more fun.

The tension we get from the very first day「It makes me happy and I’m enjoying it」

― So, at what is the happiest moment you have experienced so far as an actor?

There are many, but I personally like the atmosphere of the first day of the performance. Greeting everyone I have the thought of「I’m glad I’m doing it」. I have been into various productions and I can say that the confidence during the opening day is 100% (special), I have my own challenges with my anxiety but seeing the reactions and applause of the audience「I am really glad I did it. (Hearing my name) is a really nice feeling」. That I can only think so during the first day. But of course I am deeply impressed with the rest of the performances however, if there’s anything I feel better during the first day.

― It is also the right moment to show off the role you’ve been recreating for the very first time.

After all, everyone is also getting fired up. Somehow it feels like the same way as when I was attending the school’s cultural festival during my school days, since it almost feels like a one-time thing – everyone is full of energy and very fired up. And I thought something like that will never change (even in stage plays). It is a pleasure to ask the audience to see what we have been working on, then it will eventually deliver a good result, I also have my company’s (quantity of) heat, and I, as always, will do my best.

― On the first day, Arisawa-san is in the state where the tension is constantly rising.

The tension is all around me, the kind of tension that I can only feel during the first day, it’s very fun and enjoyable. It is also a relief when it is ending safely (with no injury). Thankfully, with all the works I did up until now, 「I did not have my morning coffee」never happened but I’m still anxious from time to time.

Facing the pressure and weakness head on, creating a role by exploring

― Even if the role of Izuminokami Kanesada was already mentioned earlier who left a big impression/impact on you – what can you say about Musical『Touken Ranbu』〜 Musubi no Hibiki, Hajimari no Ne〜 that has just recently come to a conclusion?

I spent about three months with the same friends/partners on a long stage of 50 performances. The atmosphere of the group was really good and everyone is always really friendly, so I was feeling really lonely when it was finished. And since I used a lot of physical energy during the performances, after the show I can’t even move from the wings (side) of the stage anymore, I have those kind of thoughts such as, 「Aah…… It seems like I’m going to melt (as it is), I wonder if I can fall asleep like this」「I don’t want to go home, I want to live here (in the theater) just like that」(Laughs)

― So much so that you can run out of energy during the performance。

With a role that has emotions which is very visible, the amount of heat (energy power) is also important, because it was a character that compromise and carelessness is not allowed at all, I performed every show with my full power so when it ended, I feel like I’m an M (masochist) or something because I have the feeling of wanting to do it all over again (Laughs). And since it became part of my life now, even during my day off, I feel like「I will do my best again tomorrow」, and if I I’m free for a week or two, it is more like, 「I do not have any performance (today) , I feel somewhat lonely.」- kind of feeling. Also whenever I wake up in the morning with a jump, I’m like「Uwa, this is bad! I didn’t go to the theater!」 (Laughs). Even during my day off, 「I overslept! 」I’d say with a surprise and will jump (out of the bed).

― It looks like it is imprinted in your consciousness (Laughs)? Although you have said that they (Team Bakumatsu with Tomoegata Naginata) are a good company, was there any impressive episode during the performance period?

As we cherished the time we have with each other, (because we only cared about the time we can be together), we’re always together with someone (from the team) to eat outside.  In local areas, we only have one performance (in the afternoon), sometimes, I go out to watch baseball and six people were beautifully divided into two-man groups of people. Members going out for lunch, members going out for hot springs, and then there’s me and Imari-kun (Nagasone Kotetsu’s actor = Imari Yu) together watching baseball.

It should have been done separately, but for some reason it will end with the six of us all together for dinner and like 「Huh? Who contacted you? 」「Why are you all together? 」(Laughs). We did not plan to gather at all, but it happened and it was a good feeling.

― What kind of scene does Izuminokami Kanesada left an impression?

It was my first time to do such kind of work, it was also my first time with Hijikata Toshizo, was there any person who actually existed – stood on stage? The weight (of the pressure) of the work was there. For the first time I feel like I have something like responsibility since he’s a really popular character and also has a very huge content (Content may be delivered via any medium such as the internet, television, and audio CDs, as well as live events such as conferences and stage performances.)

― After all, did you have any pressure there?

There is. The work itself, every performance, 「Exceeding the previous work」- it is a work that has been continued being told, and I thought we should never break what we have accumulated so far during our time. 「This is so cool」- what I actually felt when I look at the script. In this work (Musubi no Hiki, Hajimari no Ne) I felt like I have to go far beyond the previous works. During the first meeting, I thought it would be a work that could surely be evaluated in the theater word, and with that I felt some pressure as well.

― Although you seem troubled by recreating the role、what kind of difficulties have you encountered?

My last appearance in Musical『Touken Ranbu』〜Bakumatsu Tenrouden〜, the emotions were suppressed too , and for the emotions to be shown (on the table) for the current work – all emotions and pleasures were packed up, that means if he is a light character, then it will come in handy (bitter smile), but since it was not only established by form, I got things (advices) from the people around me, and because of that I have made this role.

Since then, I felt a lot of things to catch up and it was a difficult part. Even if I intend to be angry, you won’t be able to see it. If you do not have (genuine) love for the character’s partner, you won’t look angry at all. We can’t reach that kind of feeling if we didn’t properly established the relationship of each character – so I think relationship with the co-starts are also important. So I thought it would be the hardest thing to get angry. However, it was very unpleasant to become like a dashing brother who is constantly yelling, and there was considerably a struggle, yes.

― Regarding that part, have you reached a convincing point?

I don’t know if this a correct answer, but I think I was able to do it, there’s a sense that I feel like I was able to find an answer within myself. However, I felt 「I do not have my weakness yet」in the scene where I get angry, so I think that it was good in the sense that I have found my weak point.

Arisawa-san who talked about his feelings towards the play while carefully choosing his words and with a gentle tone. From the phrase, 「Tension from the first day (of the performance) it is fun and enjoyable」- I felt the strength of the core and the passion within him. In the second part we talked about watching and aiming for the image – the manner of spending his day off, the story about his part-time job, etc. so please look forward to it!

The second part is now on the work! Thank you so much and I apologized for the long wait, please credit me and Aki for the effort we have both spent for the interview. It was all fun translating, to be honest. Despite him using a very polite structure and all. See you on the second part!

PS: They might have some changes from time to time because I love editing stuff! Sooo....*sweats*

Reference:

オラ(ora) is a slang term, coined by the Japanese “Yankii”. The Yankii are a Japanese group, kind of resembling punks or greasers (if you want to go back that far). They have a very distinct style, demeanor (basically pretty rude and in your face) and most importantly jargon.

Chuubyou Gekihatsu refers to teenagers going through puberty, esp. by being overly self-conscious; 2nd year of junior high sickness.

HIjikata Toshizo is the proud owner of Izuminokami Kanesada.

[penitentprodigy]

16, 18, 10, 22, 24, 26 for the writing meme

writing asks! | @dancersofdestiny

10. Pick a writer to co-write a book with and tell us what you’d write about.

as i’ve said for 80 years i’ve read like 4 whole books in my entire lifetime and i really hate reading lsifohg by that i mean the process of starting it. i do love to read but it’s so hard for me to start reading. bc of that i really don’t know many authors but i’ll have to choose n.eil g.aiman. i absolutely love his writing style. he doesn’t use overly flowery language and he actually writes fairly simply but he’s able to convey so much. he can paint such a clear image in your head and i deeply admire that. being able to write a book with him would be a huge honor.

16. Where do you take your motivation from?

i think my motivation mainly comes from music! if i’m stuck on a reply or don’t know what scenario to write i’ll tend to zone out and listen to some music. sometimes i’ll lie down while i do it and i’ll pick a certain playlist. like if i’m wanting to write something sad i’ll listen to my playlist full of somber music or if i’m wanting to write something tense i’ll listen to my playlist of unsettling music and so on. overall listening to music and daydreaming about the scenario in my head will give me motivation to write.

18. What’s your revision or rewriting process like?

i don’t think i can really answer this bc i don’t write my own personal stories and i also just don’t revise a lot in general. even if i don’t write a full reply to something in one sitting i’ll chip away at it in multiple sessions so there isn’t too much rewriting involved since i take my time. but i guess whenever i do rewrite i’d say i maybe do it once or twice??

22. How many drafts do you need until you’re satisfied and a project is ultimately done for you?

again i don’t think i can really answer for the same reason. i also stopped writing fics a few years ago so i haven’t had a “project” in a hot minute. i do write drabbles occasionally though! drabbles tend to take me a little while since i really try to go all out and get so immersed when i write them. i don’t tend to have drafts for them either i just kind of go for it omg i think my “version” of drafts is playing out scenarios in my head beforehand. i’ll imagine certain scenes and when i feel like i have a good idea for the scenario that i’m excited for then i’ll start writing.

24. Poetry or prose, and why?

i really do love poetry but personally speaking i would say prose. it’s what i write and even though i get a little flowery with my writing sometimes i still want to keep it simple. i don’t want every sentence i write to be romanticized or feel like i’m trying too hard to make everything sound elegant. i don’t want to over-complicate my writing either like i don’t want to take 3 whole sentences to describe haruka picking up his tea cup or something lioshfs

26. Standalone or series, and why?

OOF this is rough bc i really enjoy both. but also this question has me thinking in terms of television/movies rather than writing since i’m as much into watching things as i am into writing things. for example i think three seasons of a tv show is a good length. but in other cases i feel that some shows should only be one season. it really all depends.

when it comes down to it though i think i have to say standalone. if only for the fact that so often when something continues on for too long it ends up becoming bad. sometimes not bad but it loses the charm that it had. it just isn’t as good as it was when it started and even though nobody wants something to end sometimes it really is for the best esp so that it doesn’t get ruined by dragging on for too long.

BONUS!!! bc i said i was in the mood to offer writing advice so here we go lmao but one of the things i struggled with for the longest time when i first started writing in general was run-on sentences. that includes cramming dialogue together and it’s so so important to remember to make new paragraphs for every line of dialogue! i’ll give an example!

“Haruka-sama, are you ready to leave?” Hikojuuro asks, his rough voice lacking any sense of urgency. “Yes. I just need one more moment.” Haruka replies, his gaze focused intently on the document laid out in front him.

that’s how i used to write dialogue/character interactions in my fics and from everything i’ve seen it’s incorrect. it honestly looks really messy too and it easily makes it confusing to tell who is speaking. the correct way to write it would be like this:

“Haruka-sama, are you ready to leave?” Hikojuuro asks, his rough voice lacking any sense of urgency.

“Yes. I just need one more moment.” Haruka replies, his gaze focused intently on the document laid out in front him.

to be fair i think this is a common mistake that most often happens with younger writers which was my case. i wrote that way when i was 14-15 and when i really didn’t have writing experience so i simply didn’t know. separating the lines of dialogue whenever it’s multiple people speaking was one of the first things that i learned and i think it’s always really important to know! esp for young writers who are just starting out!

[cancerbiophd]

My class is doing a mini research conference and my professor said that we would be graded on the questions we asked the presenter and how well they were answered. I'm worried because I've always been really bad at thinking critically and figuring out questions to ask, I was wondering if you had any advice or tips?

Hey there!

This is such a coincidence bc i just came back from my weekly program seminar and we’re graded on asking at least 3 questions to the presenters every semester. And it’s tough to think of something critical esp if one doesn’t know too much about the subject and if there are a bunch of other experts in the room aka professors, other grad students, etc. It’s intimidating and even though this is my 4th year doing this my heart still wants to gallop screaming out of my chest when i raise my hand. 

But i think i’ve picked up a few things that have worked for me, so lets see if they sound doable for you :)

Take notes. I always jot down major points during the talk, and sometimes as I’m doing so, questions pop up. Sometimes they get answered by the presenter on their next slide, but sometimes they go untouched, and I’ll ask those. Taking notes also gives you something to refer back to if you’re afraid you’ll ask something that was already stated, or if you forget what an acronym is. 

Relate everything back to what you know, and think about how it would work in that setting. That helps put things in context of something you understand, so may help your thought process. This is also how lots of professors and researchers think during seminars–not only are they learning new things and getting updates in their field (or outside their field), but they’re searching for new ways to tackle their own research problem. 

If part of the anxiety revolves around asking a question in front of lots of people, write down your question word for word. I did this in the beginning so I wouldn’t trip over my words and get even more flustered. I’ve even seen professors do this at large international conferences and they just read directly off their notepad. 

Be curious. I’m pretty sure your prof isn’t making you all do this bc they’re being mean; they want to give you the chance to practice thinking curiously. Relax your mind and let it wonder. Remember: the speaker (and the audience) knows that the presenter is the #1 expert on that subject in the room right now, and is the only person who is expected to know everything about it. So if you have a “So I’m just wondering…” question, go for it. Sometimes those turn out to be the most provocative, especially coming from a student, because we oldies who have spent years with our head in the same box sometimes forget to think about things with a fresh mindset. Some of the best, most tantalizing questions I’ve ever gotten were from undergrads and high school students. 

And be selfish with your curiosity. Don’t know something? Ask it! Who cares what everyone else in the audience thinks. This is your chance to pick the mind of an expert, so take advantage of it. Unless it’s regarding a fact explicitly stated by the presenter, there is no such thing as a stupid question. And think about the whole process as more of having a conversation with the presenter. Imagine if it was just you two at a cafe. 

And it does get easier with time as you learn more about your field and become more comfortable asking questions in a public setting. My 1st semester i reallllly had to work my noggin at coming up with a question; now, as long as I’m taking notes and actively thinking, I can pretty much come up with a question per slide. All it took was almost 4 years of practice :P

Here are some sample general questions that you may ask if the opportunity arises: (it’s biology heavy bc that’s what I’m familiar with):

“How do you hope your findings be implemented in the clinic/workplace/environment/etc etc?” Basically, what’s the real-world-application or significance of their project? This is especially good when the presentation is about something really “niche” and focused. 

Related, if the data presented are in vitro, ask about if there are any plans to move in vivo. If the data are in vivo, ask about if any clinical trials are in the future. Think about what their next step should be, and then ask if they’ve started, and/or what they predict will happen. 

“Why did you choose to use this model/cell line/protocol/etc over other alternative models/cell lines/protocols/etc?” In order to run a well controlled experiment, the model we use has lots of limitations. So everyone should have a justification for why they chose one particular model over another. 

Related, if the model they chose is missing a component (eg. an immunocompromised mouse model), ask them what they think that missing component’s role could be (eg. the immune system in said mouse model). Identify a missing puzzle piece, and ask if what would happen if it was added back. 

“Have you looked at whether your protein of interest/etc is involved in other signaling pathways?” (or vice versa). This is particularly applicable to biology where redundancy is the name of the game. The researcher may have only looked at one pathway or maybe only presented on one, but in reality there are always cross-talk and unexpected results. 

Particularly during seminars related to the abnormal (eg. diseases, environmental extremes, etc), think about the “normal”. For example, if a researcher is presenting a pathway that’s involved in cancer, you can ask them what role that pathway usually plays in normal physiology. 

And, how one abnormal relates to another abnormal. For example, “does osteoporosis increase the risk of bone metastases?”. Particularly relevant in biology and human disease bc patients will oftentimes have multiple illnesses. 

Always be on the look-out for correlation studies, and questioning whether there’s any causation. 

Related, given one result, think about what other factors may play into it. Kind of like a lawyer or detective solving a crime. Was it really Suspect A with Weapon A? How about Suspect B with Weapon X? Did the researcher really control for every possible variable (the answer is usually no bc it’s darn impossible to), and if not, what do they predict the role of that variable to be on their studies? 

Anyway, those definitely aren’t alll the questions you could possibly think of (especially if you’re in a field unrelated to biology), but they could give you a launching point of things to think about during the talk. 

I hope some of those pointers will work for you! Good luck, have fun, and remember: indulge your curiosity! 

[punkscowardschampions]

Grace & Ali

Sad, sad times

Grace: Please don't start drama but I do have something to tell you Grace: hopefully you'll be happy about it but I know dad won't be so I'm doing it here Grace: Not sorry mum Grace: Anyway the news is that you're gonna be a 👵 again! So exciting Grace: 👼💙💜 Ali: Hold up for one second Ali: How do you know? Have you been to the Drs? You didn't need to do that alone, Grace Grace: I took a couple of tests no need to hold my hand through that mum Ali: Those tests are less certain than that birth control we got you on for a reason Ali: Don't be taking the result as gospel yet Ali: And have you thought about this, properly? You don't even know this boy, so who knows what help he'd be if any, and you're nowhere near done with School, what about all your plans? How does a baby fit in with them? Grace: I'm not stupid, I've got loads of symptoms like Grace: yeah but I don't need him anyway it'll only be a bonus if he stays Grace: You managed so can I Ali: Okay, well, we'll get you an emergency appointment today, you have to deal with these things head-on Ali: It isn't a bonus, Grace, if a child is made by two people, it needs both of those people on its team, needs to know they care Ali: You know that, its all well and good to say otherwise, and ultimately, its your choice, but pretending no one else is involved or will have an effect is stupid, and you aren't repeating my mistakes Ali: Not to mention, our situations were different, we're different people, you have to do what is right for you, now, and you really need to think about what you're going to want a year from now, 18, 'cos its your whole life changed forever Grace: She wasn't a mistake, mum Grace: and neither is my baby Grace: I'm just saying if he's not happy about this, I am and I'll have plenty of people around to help me if he won't Grace: So don't be mad at me, okay? I need you to talk down round Ali: I'm not saying she was Ali: but she was undeniably a very unhappy little girl and I wouldn't wish the guilt I feel for my part in it on anyone, least of all you, any of my children, okay? Ali: You know you have both our support no matter what Ali: But, give yourself time to think about this properly, okay? Ali: You know you rushed things with Harry Grace: Did you say all this to Billie or does she get a free pass for being across the pond? Grace: Maybe it's just me because you don't think I can do this. Well fine Grace: I can and will. You'll see mum Ali: Hey now, of course I did, your different people in different situations but I still told her what she needed to hear, too Ali: What are you trying to prove, Grace, and to who? Ali: A child isn't a test, a chance to say fuck you to the world and everyone in it, you can't do that, it's not fair Grace: It's not fair that you're treating me like I'm 6 either Grace: I know you don't like Harry, but you should have a bit more of an idea about me by now Grace: If you can't be happy for me then don't but don't try and tell me what to do Ali: You're not acting like an adult at all right now, so don't expect me to treat you like one Ali: No one is trying to tell you what to do, Grace Ali: I'm telling you its your decision and you have to make it alone, and that's a terrifying and exciting prospect to a 16 year old all at once but if you can't handle the idea of doing that with a little bit of thought behind it then I don't know what to tell you Grace: I already have thought about it Grace: I wouldn't be telling you yet if I hadn't Ali: Okay, good. Ali: So, how are you going to provide childcare whilst you finish School? How are you going to afford the roughly 10 grand in the first year alone? Are you taking time off for the first 6 months, at least? How are you going to catch up? Ali: Talk to me Grace: I'll just leave school I'm rubbish at it anyway Ali: You are not Ali: but okay, what are you going to do for your career then? You can't get on the beauty course without at least seeing out this year and next Grace: I'll do my exams and stuff later if needs be Grace: It's not like I was going to get the beauty place so Grace: might as well have a rethink now instead of then Ali: Why not? Its vocational, you've got the talent most girls are going on that course to learn already, even if you don't get your 3Cs, which you're well on target for anyway, you can do your English and Maths alongside your course, they'll help you get them Ali: You just need to get the qualification out the way, then you can set up your own business if you want, but would you let someone without the certificate touch your face or hair? Ali: If you're having this baby, you need the money now, not later Grace: get over it, I am Grace: I'll just become a mummy blogger or whatever that's a skill I do have Ali: Don't be childish Ali: You might not want to tell me, whatever; but this is the sort of stuff you need to be sorted before the baby comes, end of Ali: How long do you need to do that before you've got your audience large enough for adsense? Which is pennies, you need to attract sponsors to really earn, for that you need to know how to negotiate, write and give proposals...then all that money comes in a chunk, you have to save wisely, budget Ali: Its a lottery, love, not impossible but not guaranteed Ali: You need guarantees in place Grace: excuse me for not having the next 40 years set in stone Grace: not like you and dad did so chill please Ali: No, no excuses Grace, they won't cut it Ali: We both knew what we wanted to do before any of you were born, and we were putting those plans into action Ali: Not only do you need this all set out and into motion, you'll have to do extra you didn't expect, didn't want to Ali: Begging favours left and right, working extra jobs on the side that you have no interest in but it covers the costs Ali: Its the hardest thing you'll ever do, and trust me, its a damn sight harder when the father doesn't pull his weight Grace: yeah well I didn't plan to have this baby and I haven't even told Harry yet Grace: Not sorry for not having everything figured out the second I got the result Ali: No, Grace, you ARE planning to have this baby Ali: you're doing it now, this is what I'm trying to tell you Ali: None of my pregnancies were 'planned', so few people's are Ali: but when you find out, you have to hit the ground running, the plan is being made, don't get swept up in panic or excitement or whatever emotion you're feeling, you can't afford to Ali: Are you going to tell him? Grace: Obviously, but like you said, I have to go to the doctor's first Grace: even if I know he'll want it confirmed Grace: want to know it's his too probably Ali: That's probably the best idea, yeah, got you in @5, okay? You can go in alone, if that's what you want Ali: Or if you want to bring one of your sisters, a friend, instead Ali: Well, I can't say anything on that, can I? I can see the merits but insulting, I'm sure Grace: I'll go on my own Mia's got a driving lesson so Grace: it's chill that's just what lads are like, esp when you haven't been coupled up long Ali: Is it? Ali: Chill, I mean Grace: yeah Grace: he's not used to keeping girls around before me that's all Grace: none at his school are loyal like Ali: I can see why Ali: Hardly inspires it, does he Grace: None of you know him well enough to be shady thanks Ali: Neither do you, Grace Ali: Come off it Grace: Don't start, mum Grace: I know enough Ali: I wish that were true Ali: but its yours to find out if you're not up for listening, can't blame you, I rarely did Grace: okay Grace: are you gonna tell dad? Ali: If you want me to Grace: Only if you make sure none of the others are around Ali: Of course, you can tell them all in your own time Grace: thanks Ali: No problem Ali: Anything else you need? Grace: No I'm fine Ali: Love you sweetheart Grace: Love you too 💜 Grace: No need to drag dad into my drama if you haven't already Grace: correct it to fake news otherwise Ali: Oh Grace, I'm so sorry Ali: Are you alright? Grace: yeah obviously Grace: not cut out for it anyway so Ali: Don't say that, I certainly didn't, you'll be a cracking mum one day Ali: Just not your time right now Grace: might as well've no need to backtrack now mum it's fine Grace: Not gonna be my time ever but there's always the beauty course for you to be buzzing about Ali: Don't put words in my mouth, especially not such nasty ones, that wasn't what I was saying at all, you know that Ali: What are you saying, Gracie? Grace: just what I said, you'll have to get your grandkids from the others Grace: plenty of us though so Ali: Hold on Ali: What did the Dr tell you? Grace: She said not only am I not having a baby now I can't have them. Ever Ali: Darling...I'm so sorry, that is, a lot for you to have to process now, too much Ali: And there's nothing I can say to make it better but where are you? You should come Home Grace: I'm fine where I am Grace: I'd rather be on my own anyway Ali: Okay but I don't think you should be Ali: Are you with Mia? Ali: Harry? Grace: No Grace: they'd only want to know what's up Ali: Of course... and you don't have to tell anyone, but I'm glad you told me. You shouldn't have to shoulder this alone, you don't need to, please come find me when you're ready Grace: No need mum I'm fine and like you said, there's nothing you can say Ali: I know Ali: But we can be there, we are Ali: When you're ready Grace: The doctor handled it I've got more info than I wanna read thanks Ali: I'm not going to lecture you, God, what kind of monster do you- Ali: The Doctor isn't your family Ali: I'd be a shittier Mum than I am if I didn't let it be known, even though that's all I've got to offer Grace: You've had loads of kids and could have more tomorrow if you wanted so excuse me if I don't come crying to you about something you'll never understand Grace: None of you can help me with this Ali: I know Ali: I know we can't Ali: Won't stop us trying, though, I'm sorry Grace: Save it for someone else's drama Grace: I don't need it Ali: I wish with everything I could give you what you need but I can't Ali: I just can't Ali: Stay safe, okay? Grace: I'm sure I already radiate enough saddo vibes to keep everyone at a safe distance Grace: is it okay if I stay at Mia's? Ali: That isn't true Ali: Of course, I'm glad you can have a friend around you, take as long as you need Grace: thanks, I'll come and get some of my stuff later but I can't deal with Janis thinking I'm moping because Harry dumped me or whatever Ali: Okay darling Ali: I get it Ali: She would be there if she knew, you know Ali: but you don't have to tell anyone Grace: she's a bitch mum Grace: and she hates me so like no way Ali: She doesn't hate you, not really, you just have your differences Grace: 🙄 I'll believe her instead of you thanks since she tells me enough Ali: We all say things we don't mean Ali: Especially when we're angry Grace: 🙄 Grace: anything else cringey you wanna add Ali: You know its true Ali: I love you so bloody much Ali: How's that? Grace: 💗 Grace: thanks for not telling anyone Grace: Mia's mum is always gossiping with her friends about everything Grace: I'd die if anyone found out about any of this Ali: Well, we'll both thank our lucky stars I'm not anything like Mia's Mum then, ay? Ali: It is nothing to be ashamed of, okay? Don't you ever think that, its okay to be heartbroken or furious at the world, God and me and everyone else who takes it for granted but don't you be ever ashamed, there's nothing wrong with you and there's a million ways to be a mum if that's what you decide you want still Ali: But you don't owe anyone an explanation, either Ali: I'll tell Dad, yeah? But that's as far as it goes Grace: I'm scared though and not just because the pharmacy woman is gossipy af Grace: The doctor was saying all this horrible stuff Ali: I know, well, I think I do...but we can talk it over when you come Home, or I'll come meet you for coffee in town or whatever and we can go through it all together Ali: Those leaflets are a bit scaremongery, but they have to be, cover their bases, I promise we will sort this so you don't have to be afraid of it and get you any help you might need Grace: Can you meet me soon? I don't think I can face Mia and not talk about this until I've talked about it Grace: Stupid I know but Ali: Not at all Ali: I'll come right now, we can sit in the car, have fish and chips if you like Grace: Thanks mum, sorry I was such a bitch before Ali: Nah, not at all, I don't need to be cringe and tell you we all say things when we're scared too, do I? Grace: 😂 Grace: You were right about me rushing the baby thing, I was, I just wanted it so much Ali: I know sweetheart, I know Ali: and I have been there, I really wasn't trying to be a hypocritical cow about it Ali: One day, I promise Grace: I know I shouldn't have pinned my hopes on it but everyone else has something Grace: I don't and I can't even mess everything up the same as the rest of you Ali: You're 16, Gracie, you don't have to even fake having it together like you would if you were having a baby right now Ali: and a terrible thing happened to us all Ali: the others are struggling too, doesn't downgrade or touch on your own, and I'm not saying it to act like it should Ali: but you really aren't alone in being not okay right now, not at all Ali: as much as it might pain me, its the truth of it Grace: I wish we could all go back and do it over Ali: Me too Ali: but, we can't, we've got to find a way to push through or we'll all be stuck Ali: none of us want that, do we? she wouldn't want it for us either Grace: but I don't know how to talk to any of the others anymore, especially Janis Grace: I miss them Grace: We used to tell each other everything Ali: Me either...I don't think Janis wants to be talked to anymore, not by anyone, all we can do is be there waiting when she does. I know it hurts. Ali: I know you do Ali: We all miss each other Ali: We got blown apart, but I have to believe we'll find our way back one day Ali: I know we all want to, I really do know that Grace: I keep thinking if I sit here long enough of my own, Edie'll pop up like she used to do Grace: She never came to me but, maybe this time because it's all so unfair already Grace: So stupid Ali: You can try talking to her, if you like Ali: One of the only alright things about it, you can get her to appear whenever you like Ali: if you're stupid then I'm absolutely daft Grace: She'd get it I think how I feel Ali: I reckon she would too Ali: She was a lot wiser than she let on Ali: Than people gave credit for Grace: Yeah Grace: Do I have to tell Harry any of this? ugh Grace: about me I mean, not how messed up the rest of us are Ali: No Ali: he's got no need to know, its none of his business unless you wanted the emotional support, that's the only reason Grace: But what if it changes everything he wasn't here to get with a 👵 Ali: If it changes anything he's a piece of shit Ali: not to mention, he didn't even know he was about to be a daddy so I don't think its a dream dashed for him Grace: yeah but all these side effects like, might as well be dating nan Grace: ugh I hate this Ali: I think nan's got enough boy drama with granddad, still, like Ali: Its shit, really shit but manageable Ali: You're stronger than this, millions of girls live with it and its not stopping them living to the fullest, so like fuck it will you Ali: Do you want me to sly ask Ro? See if she has any Doctor know-how, no more leaflets required Grace: She won't let it slip to anyone will she? Ali: Nah, 'course not Ali: Confidentiality, she'd never break her oath #goodytwoshoes Ali: and I'm pretty creative, I've asked her much stranger questions than this before now Grace: cool Grace: ask her then Grace: It was hard to take it all in earlier Ali: It would be Ali: Nothing prepares you but Drs are notoriously bad at even trying, like Ali: Right, now leaving work, where do you want me to pick you up from? Grace: I'll meet you there, anywhere but the CG obvs Grace: I wanna walk Ali: Cool, I'll text you when I'm here 💚 Grace: Love you 💜 Ali: Love you too