#title i hadn’t played yet) & while it was fun on its own merits

[fifty-ten]

it’s so sad when you play a game that’s earlier in a series after playing a later entry & it’s a little worse… like it’s not the game’s fault that later titles built on and improved its mechanics.

[imagineteamfreewill]

Equanimous

Title: Equanimous

Pairing: Reader x Sam

Word Count: 1,078

Warnings: Being tied up

Summary: The reader watches Sam and Dean from her hiding spot after they were captured on a hunt.

A/N: This is another installment of the Words series. Enjoy, and please leave feedback!

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Equanimous: (adj.) calm and composed

Your heart was pounding in your chest as you watched the demons tighten the ropes holding Sam and Dean to the chairs. Thankfully, they hadn’t spotted you yet, but Sam and Dean had been the first into the church. The whole thing had been a trap, and you were kicking yourself for not trying harder to find the gun you’d lost in the fight as you tried to stay hidden behind the baptismal. 

Cas, if you can hear me, you prayed, we could really use your help right about now.

There was no miraculous answer to your plea and you chewed your lower lip as the boys began to regain consciousness. They silently tested the taut ropes around them, then flexed their muscles to see if anything was broken.

“Well, well,” one of the demons chuckled. “It looks like it worked. Who'd've thought that the Winchesters were so easy to trick?”

Dean let out a low growl and glared at her. “What do you want?”

She chuckled and cupped his chin in her hand, smiling slyly. “If I told you, then it wouldn’t be a surprise. Where’s the fun in that?”

“Oh I’ll show you fun!” Dean barked. He pulled at the ropes, moving the chair slightly, and the demon flinched back. Dean grinned at her, but only until she grabbed his ear and jerked his head to the side as hard as she could. Her knife was at his neck in an instant and Dean strained away from its sharp point, his breathing uneven as he glared up at her.

“Don’t test me, Dean. As much as I like playing games, I don’t have the patience today.”

“Calm down, Sheba,” the one of the male demons chided. “We need them alive. We don’t get paid otherwise.”

You relaxed when Sheba let go of Dean and sheathed her knife, then directed your attention to Sam. He was angry; you knew his tells and could figure out what he was really feeling. To an outsider, however, he looked totally composed. His face was calm and neutral as he watched the three demons in silence. You could see him testing the strength of the ropes around his hands, but other than that he was completely still.

Unfortunately for Sam, the third demon had noticed his calm demeanor as well, and he circled the two brothers before stopping in front of Sam. 

“I’m surprised you’re not foaming at the mouth like your big brother is,” he said, leaning down so he was at eye level with Sam. “After all, someone like the Boy King should be able to hold his own against a few demons, right?”

Sam stared at the demon for a long moment before answering. “I’m not the Boy King. I’m a hunter, and I’m not worried because I have nothing to worry about,” Sam replied, his voice even.

The demon scoffed and straightened up. He looked over at Sheba, who was grinning like the cat that got the canary. “Do you hear him, Sheba?”

“I did, Alex,” she laughed. “He thinks he’s got nothing to worry about, can you believe it?”

Sheba moved to stand beside Sam, and you grit your teeth when she slid her hands over his shoulders and chest until she was draped over him from behind. She left her hands on him as she whispered something in his ear, and you watched helplessly as Sam clenched his fists behind him at whatever she’d said to him.

You were in the middle of weighing the merits of staying hidden versus trying to fight off the three demons on your own without a weapon when Cas charged in through the front doors of the church, fury etched into his face as he stalked down the long aisle towards the demons. An angel blade slid into his hand as he approached them and you watched in relieved silence as they backed away from him.

“Wait a second, wait a second, we can give you inf—”

“I don’t want your information,” Cas growled as he buried his blade into Alex’s chest. The demon’s own blade fell to the floor with a clatter. Cas spun and made quick work of the other male demon as well, and his body fell to the floor beside his partner’s.

Sheba let out a horrified scream and tried to make a run for it. She sprinted towards your hiding spot, clearly hoping to put the baptismal between herself and Cas, but you stuck your leg out just in time to send her sprawling on the floor. Cas took two long steps and fell into a kneeling position beside her. Her vessel lit up in bright oranges and reds as he embedded his knife into her chest, and you met Cas’ eyes when he looked up at you.

“Thank you,” you breathed, your heart pounding in your chest as he stood and offered you a hand.

“Are you okay?”

Nodding, you stepped over Sheba’s prone form and rushed over to Sam and Dean, quickly cutting their ropes with Alex’s discarded knife. “Are you guys okay?”

Both boys stood and stretched as soon as the ropes fell to the floor, rubbing their wrists as they got to their feet.

“We’re fine,” Sam said. He wrapped an arm around your waist and pressed a kiss to the top of your head before pulling away just far enough to look you over. “Are you okay? They didn’t hurt you while we were out, did they?”

You shook your head and wrapped both arms around Sam, hugging him hard. “I’m okay. I was hiding the whole time. I don’t know what I would’ve done if Cas hadn’t shown up, I—”

Sam shook his head at you and leaned down to kiss your forehead. He lifted your chin with two fingers, smiling softly. “But he did show up and we’re okay. Everything’s fine, Y/N.”

“Hey!” Dean called, and both of you looked over at him. He was standing beside Sheba’s dead vessel. “You two gonna help me with these bodies or am I gonna have to complain about it the whole way back home?”

Groaning, you let go of Sam and rolled your eyes at Dean. “So needy,” you teased, and Dean stuck his tongue out at you.

“You’re both children,” Sam laughed, but he followed you over to take care of the second demon’s vessel anyway, smiling at you all the while.

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[sourbat]

For the kiss prompts, 20 or 33 with Magnus and Toki? But only if you wanna. :)

Nothing like a daily dose of Magtok :)

An unexpected kiss that shocks the one receiving it. Kissing in a stairwell, giving them an artificial height difference.

Enjoy!

When Toki suggested they visit the largest bookstore in the city, it was done more as an act of kindness towards Magnus, and less because he was genuinely curious to peruse three floors worth of dusty, old books. He barely read as it was, and only brought it up because Magnus let him pick what movie they were going to see when they visited the theater, and was super patient when he took him over to one of the few remaining music stores left in the state. Toki was surprised he even remembered the name, but Magnus shined at the idea, mentioning he could go for a few new reads. 

Toki stood on his toes, peering over a row of dusty novels bearing forgettable names, wondering if he might accidentally stumble upon mouse, a spider’s web or perhaps some long-forgotten token–a keychain, a piece of jewelry or hidden note–left behind by some hypothetical being who also made the mistake of taking their boyfriend to a boring bookstore. He honestly had hoped that a massive bookstore would contain more than just…books. Sure, there was the obligatory magazine and music section tucked deep in the corner of the first floor, and it was one of the more louder sections, too; however, it proved only a brief reprieve from the impending boredom that had now consumed Toki’s soul.

The bookstore, despite its multiple levels, fancy lighting and pillars, recycled books sculpted into long tunnels and fancy designs, decorative art that covered the walls and filled the building with a warm, comforting glow, and the entire third floor dedicated to the arts, was still just a bookstore. Nothing changed the fact that the air tasted dry, that most of the books Toki picked up were boring and contained no captivating pictures, and that he had to maintain an “inside voice” while he waited for Magnus to sort through an ever-changing collection of novels.

Toki left the fantasy cubicle where he had sequestered himself in, turned a corner and, remaining partly hidden, viewed Magnus some several feet away. He sat on the floor, two books resting on top each leg, and silently analyzed each one, trying to determine the lucky cover that he’d take home. Toki had already attempted to use some of his allowance, but was immediately rejected, with Magnus reminding him Toki already spent money on tickets and several records, and didn’t want their manager hounding him for unnecessary spending again. A shame, because Toki just wanted to leave and return to the bustling streets. Hollywood was literally right around the corner, and Toki was spending its eve in a store he wasn’t even allowed to run around in, toss yarn, touch the paintings, or have fun.

Still, whether Toki wanted to admit it or not, there was something nice about seeing Magnus struggle over something as mundane as picking a silly book. Watching Magnus unconsciously nipping at his own lip, bringing a leg up to chest once he picked up a book, or playing with his own hair was a peculiar, but welcoming sight to behold. If only Toki hadn’t already spent nearly… forty-three minutes in this blasted store, he might have considered sneaking a photo of Magnus’ intense resolve as he discarded one book in favor of picking up a new title.

Instead, Toki just about had the right mind to call Abigail and ask if he could afford to buy the whole bookstore; that way, Magnus wouldn’t have to worry about having to decide anything! 

It was a nice little fantasy, but even Toki couldn’t excuse such an extreme purchase, and over something as stupid as literature. Instead, he pulled himself off from the corner, and decided to try yet another secluded section of the expansive store and see if there might be anything to keep him sane for a few minutes longer. 

He ended up in the early sci-fi section, and although Toki had no intent on reading anything, did find some solace in viewing the covers. The pictures of pale, big-headed aliens exiting long, phallic-like spaceships provided some amusement.

Toki was busy staring at a cover of some stereotypical American hero ogling a purple-skinned, but otherwise pretty alien, when a finger prodded his side. Toki squirmed, stumbling back as he recoiled from the surprise attack, and bumped right into Magnus.

An arm grappled around Toki. “What are you looking at?” Magnus asked, giving Toki a firm shake before setting him free. 

Giggling, Toki rubbed his side and answered, “Nothins.” He noticed three books stowed under Magnus’ arm. “Oh, you founds somethins?”  he asked, feigning innocence, and trying desperately to not sound too helpful.

“Yeah, I did,” Magnus replied. The answer alone was a huge relief, but Magnus’ enthusiasm filled the otherwise still and stuffy atmosphere, and for a moment Toki didn’t think the store was too bad. If Magnus could find something worthwhile and smile at him like that, then perhaps the trip wasn’t a bust. “You find anything?” 

Toki pulled a holographic bookmark from his pocket. “Just this books-mark.”

“I’ll take that,” Magnus said, snatching it up and stowing it into one of the book’s pages. “C’mon, let’s go.”

Never had such a plain statement sounded so sweet. “Alrights,” Toki said. He let Magnus take the lead, smiling at the way while Magnus talked about the ingenuity behind one of the author’s work, how literary theorists were still actively writing about the other, and although he hated the third, didn’t mind getting the book because it was second-hand. They descended the stair, and Toki kept nodding his head, not quite understanding what the heck Magnus was talking about, but was still pleased to see how excited Magnus got when talking about the cultural impact a book could have on society. 

“Hey, stop for a second.”

“Hmm?” 

Magnus remained put, three steps in front of Toki. Moreover, he was three steps beneath Toki, and with their current position, Toki hovered over Magnus by a good couple of inches.

Magnus pulled out his phone. “Here, get behind me,” he said, gesturing to Toki to move with the sway of his device. Confused, Toki rubbed the back of his head. The ends of Magnus’ mouth lifted in a sly smirk. “C’mon,” he said, “you’re telling me we’re about to go through an entire store decorated with sorta of crap without you stopping me for one of your selfies?”

The remark warranted a quick snort of the nose, and Toki humbly breaking into an embarrassed, but happily little smile. The bookstore did have a few locations that merited a snapshot, a romantic pose between partners, but Toki had been so bored he hadn’t really noticed until Magnus waved that glowing screen, calling him to position.

Bookstore or not, Toki wasn’t going to pass on the chance of having Magnus be the one to take a picture of them together. Toki stood behind Magnus, hands cupping his pointed shoulder before kneeling just a little so that their heads were aligned. To his continued pleasure, Magnus rubbed his cheek against his, scratching the side of his face with a rough tickle, then raised the phone, adjusting it accordingly so that it captured both their likeness.

“On the count of three,” Magnus slowly announced, and Toki’s already cheeky grin extended up to his ears as he prepared for Magnus’s index finger to snap the photo. “One…two...”  

Toki held his breath, ready for the photo, when he felt that same scruff rub his face again, only this time it changed, going from rough to soft as Magnus turned, planting a sudden kiss on Toki’s unprepared cheek. His eyes widened, detecting that sudden transition, but not making complete sense of it until Magnus lips pushed against his skin, sending a surprise flutter of delight across Toki right as the camera took the photo. 

Magnus removed himself from Toki before he had the chance to react. “Nice,” he announced, grinning smugly at Toki. His finger and thumb rolled over the photo, enlarging it and earning a somewhat cruel chuckle from the man. “How cute,” he said, then offered up the photo to Toki.

Fingers brushing over his cheek, Toki glanced at the picture, at himself and Magnus kissing him.

“Oh,” he said, voice turning a little faint. He took the phone in his hands, bringing it close to get a better look at it. It was slightly off, and when Magnus had turned to kiss him, must’ve shook the phone a little, because the surrounding lights had a mild blur to them. Still, Toki’s fingers tenderly brushed over the screen, thumb grazing over past-Magnus kissing his round cheeks, and past-Toki’s expression capturing that tickle, the simple pleasure of being an object of affection, reaching his heart. “Oh. Wowee.”

“A little gift for you, for being so patient with me,” he heard Magnus say.

Toki snapped up, feeling his heart tremble upon realizing he’d been caught. “Oh,” he said, voice dropping as he nervously shuffled in place. “Uhm…”

Magnus chuckled again, and if Toki didn’t know any better, was sure he saw the start of a blush before Magnus turned his back on him . “Don’t worry, I’ll still buy you the bookmark.”

[takerfoxx]

Coming to Terms with Homura Akemi, My (Formerly) Least Favorite PMMM Character

Or, How I Learned to Stop Whinging and Love the Emo Meguca!

I have a…complicated history with my favorite anime’s main character (and yes, Homura is the main character. Madoka might be the title character and the show’s POV protagonist, but like most things in this series, that was a clever ruse, and it’s really more about Homura’s journey than Madoka’s). The first time I watched the show, I walked away feeling kind of ambivalent toward her, even mildly hostile. And that’s weird, right? I mean, just look at her! Look how her character arc plays out! She was practically grown in a lab to be my favorite! And you know what? In pretty much any other series she would have been my favorite, no doubt. She would have been a first pick Fav of the Day, the starring character in whatever fanfic I wrote about it, etc. But since the show she premiered in is anything but traditional, the way I eventually came to love each character turned out to be a little…unorthodox.

Now, I’ve gone over most of this before, so sing along if you know the words. My first time watching Puella Magi Madoka Magica went a little something like this:

Episode 1: Blue funny, Pink cute, Yellow badass, Purple mysterious.

Episode 2: Blue favorite, Pink alright, Yellow probably evil, Purple mysterious.

Episode 3: Yellow’s not evil after all, and now is the dead. My bad.

Episode 4: Pink getting all fucked up, SOMEONE SAVE BLUE!

Episode 5: Hate Red for attacking Blue. Kick her ass, Purple!

Episode 6: Still hate Red.

Episode 7: FUCK YOU, BUNNYCAT! Red’s not so bad after all. But someone save Blue!

Episode 8: Aw, hell no, Purple! You don’t threaten Blue like that! You go, Red! You’re pretty cool after…oh shit. BLUE, NO!

Episode 9: GO RED! GO PINK! SAVE BLUE! YOU CAN DO IT, I BELIEVE IN…no.

Episode 10-12: Stuff is still happening with the plot, but I no longer care. My heart has been shattered, all light has gone from the world. My babies are gone. If only they had more time together, if only there was someplace they could reunite, really get to know one another, and go on adventures together…huh.

So yeah, that’s the story of how I fully got on board the KyoSaya train. Obviously, writing Resonance Days only solidified that, and coming across A Happy Dream by angel0wonder, AKA the potato lady AKA @smxmuffinpeddling (wazzup?!?!), pretty much cemented it as my top reigning OTP.

Now, obviously I got invested in the whole story as time went by. Subsequent rewatchings of the show, mainly through convincing people to watch it blind so I can laugh at them when they get to certain scenes (don’t hate, y’all did it too!) and taking part in online discussions really got me into the show as a whole instead of just being confined in my little KyoSaya bubble. But coming to love the other characters for their own merits took some time.

Mami was next. I’ll be honest, I just didn’t care all that much for her during my first watching, mainly due to believing that she would turn out to be evil for the first couple of episodes (I blame Disney and their recent trend of turning almost every kindly mentor/confidante figure into the bad guy lately), and me being more surprised that I was wrong when she died instead of being shocked that she was killed. Again, had nothing against her, that was just my reaction the first time around. However, she was included in Resonance Days because it felt like the logical thing to do, and she turned out to be so much fun to write for that I really came to love and care for her character in general, and her relationship with Charlotte ended up becoming one of my favorite parts of that story.

Madoka honestly took more time. I think the main reason I wasn’t all that invested in her is that she was pretty passive in the series proper while my attention was more on the more proactive side characters. And again, this wasn’t a bad thing! In fact, it was a clever bit of deliberate storytelling, as it’s revealed that she originally was a proactive main-character type, only to unintentionally get relegated to her observer role by the butterfly effect caused by Homura’s time loops. But anyway, the thing that made me turn the corner on Madoka actually also ended up being fanfiction, but not one of my own. Specifically, I came across a popular, yet also somewhat controversial, fic called Persephone’s Waltz (and wazzup, @erinptah!), in which Homura decides to just stop beating around the bush and lock Madoka up in a basement until Walpurgisnacht had passed. And as weird as it sounds, making Madoka a prisoner actually gave her more agency, as the fic really went into detail about the psychological effects of being a kidnapping victim, from the strange rituals to the escape attempts to coping strategies to Stockholm Syndrome to bouts of depression and so on and so forth, all the while never deviating from her core character. It really got me rooting for Madoka and, by extension, invested in her character in canon as well.

That just left Homura.

By then, I had gotten over being a little sore at her for trying to kill Sayaka that one time, and I was interested in where her actions would take the plot. I just wasn’t interested in her, per se, as I hadn’t had an icebreaker moment like I had with the other characters.

And then The Rebellion Story happened.

The Rebellion Story: PMMM’s End of Evangelion

Puella Magi Madoka Magica is often compared its nearly two decade-old predecessor, Neon Genesis Evangelion, and not without reason. Like Evangelion, it took a genre mainly known to be fun and kid-friendly (giant mechs for Evangelion and magical girls for PMMM) and turned it on its head, resulting in a brutal and twisted deconstruction that would end up altering the direction that genre would take for years to come. The key difference is that Evangelion’s brilliance was in many ways an accident, with the bizarre places it went being largely informed both by its troubled production and its showrunner’s personal demons staying bottled up through the early part of the show but letting them loose later on, whereas PMMM was meticulously constructed from top to bottom to become the hand-grenade to the genre that it would become. But in the end, the effects were the same. They even both had a follow-up movie that was not originally supposed to happen that ended up being highly divisive among fans due to the shots they took at the fandom that had sprung up around the original series, even if The Rebellion Story wasn’t nearly as spiteful as End of Evangelion was.

Now, I’ve already gone into at length about how PMMM brutally dissects and deconstructs the Magical Girl genre, and it did it so thoroughly that the genre itself was totally wrenched in a new direction, much like Evangelion did to the Giant Mecha genre. But after you’ve completely taken apart the genre in your first season, where exactly do you go? How do you continue when your work is seemingly done?

The answer: deconstruct yourself.

Much as Puella Magi Madoka Magica went after the Magical Girl genre, The Rebellion Story went after the fandom that had sprung up in the original show’s wake. The first third of the movie gives the fans what they claimed they wanted: a traditional Magical Girl reimagining of PMMM where everyone is alive and working together, everyone is mentally and emotionally healthy, the two fan-favorite ships are just a kiss away from being canon, Kyubey is now a cute and silent mascot that helps out instead constantly manipulating everyone around him, and even the most popular witch is back as a benevolent secondary mascot in a happy friendship with the character she had killed. We see Madoka and the Moemura version of Homura being adorable together, we see Kyoko and Sayaka goofing off, we see Mami cuddling with Charlotte with nary a head-chomp in sight, we see everyone being just being friends and protecting the city from weird but essentially non-threatening monsters. It is basically the summation of a hundred fanfics that had been posted between the end of the show and the release of the movie.

But this is still PMMM, and something is not quite right.

We all know what happens next. Homura starts subconsciously noticing that something is off, she gradually becomes Terminator Homura as she investigates the situation and regains her memories, and the perfect happy world is exposed for the farce that it is. Things collapse, and the truth is revealed: Homura had become a witch that had been trapped inside her own soul gem, those close to her had been lured in to complete the illusion, and of course it is all Kyubey’s fault. Because this is PMMM, and Homura doesn’t get to be happy.

But the movie doesn’t stop with that reveal. Once we learn the truth, it changes targets. It stops deconstructing the fans, and instead goes after something else.

It starts to deconstruct Homura Akemi, its own main character.

Despite her promise to continue fighting on in Madoka’s name to protect the slightly more kind world her beloved had created, Homura had found herself unable to cope without Madoka. Her mission had failed, and without that stabilizing force, despair had slowly crept in, corrupting her from within, to the point where (I believe at least) she had been fighting not to honor Madoka, but in hopes that she would fall in battle and be carried off by her goddess. She had been fighting not in hopes of building a better world, but as a way to seek release from her pain. She had been miserable in Madoka’s new world, even moreso than she had been during her time loops.

And because she had been foolish enough to tell the truth to Kyubey, the little rat had taken the opportunity to use her to set a trap. Madoka had been pulled out of Heaven right into the Incubators’ clutches, and it was all her fault.

Is it any wonder that she had been unwilling to accept Madoka’s salvation during the climatic battle? Is it any wonder that her own labyrinth had featured her own familiars dragging her away to her own execution? Homura hated herself. She hated what she had become, she hated what she had allowed to happen, she hated that she had failed so utterly and completely.

In fact, I’d say that this movie shows something about Homura that I don’t think a lot of people will appreciate me pointing out, and that is as much as Homura was single-mindedly devoted to Madoka, she never really came to know her. I mean, how could she? She only knew Madoka over the course of a few of a few infatuated weeks the first time around, which she then repeated over and over and over again, becoming increasingly traumatized over time. I don’t doubt that her devotion to Madoka is real, but The Rebellion Story does seem to suggest that after a while she was fixated on Madoka as an ideal rather than Madoka as an actual person, something to be protected and possessed rather than as a living, breathing person with her own autonomy.

Now, am I saying that Homura is a bad person and that anyone who felt inspired by her resilience and devotion is wrong? Of course not. Am I saying that anyone that ships MadoHomu is bad, promoting toxic relationships, etc.? Hell no! What I’m saying is that due to everything she’s been forced to endure and fight again, she is a very mentally unhealthy individual, one who is in desperate need of help. And if an actual relationship between her and Madoka is going to realistically work, well, first something  drastic will have to happen to upset her new system and give Madoka her power back, but Homura is also going to need tons of therapy.

As I said before, Homura’s decision to rip Madoka out of the Law of Cycles and turn herself into Homucifer has been pretty controversial, with many people claiming that it betrayed her characterization. To those people, I would say that they never really knew the real Homura Akemi. The show set up an idealized version of Homura, and people had that ideal imprinted in their mind. And I can’t really blame them for that. The show ended on a big, optimistic moment with Homura making a big speech about how she was going to keep fighting in Madoka’s name. It’s all very stirring, and I can’t fault anyone who would feel betrayed by their Homura acting against that promise.

But as a sadistic bastard in another dark show that is now also very controversial once said, “If you think this story has a happy ending, then you clearly haven’t been paying attention.”

Homura Akemi Did Everything Wrong, and It’s Okay to Admit That

Even though The Rebellion Story got me interested in seeing where the whole Homucifer vs. Godoka thing would go, I still wasn’t all that invested in Homura as a person. I was entrenched too deep in my KyoSaya world, and everything outside of that was just so much plot. Most of my focus was on Resonance Days, which just didn’t involve her at all.

It took years, but three things finally cracked me out of that shell. The first was writing Walpurgis Nights, of course. Granted, Homulilly was more of a Moemura than Homucifer, but that story really made me dive deep into her innate insecurities, to explore her struggles with self-loathing and her reliance on Madoka for any kind of validation.

The second was watching through a few blind reactions to the series, seeing how other people reacted to her character and the things that they picked up that I had missed. One thing in particular stood out to me: during Homura and Madoka’s first meeting in episode ten, Homura is actually shocked when Madoka casually addresses her by her first name, as no one ever called her by her first name.

And the third might get me some hate, but it was through coming across this little video:

Now, like many things I’ve discussed in this post, this video has been pretty polarizing, with some people outright hating it and labeling it as slanderous character bashing. The clickbaity title certainly doesn’t help, and I can’t say I agree with all of its points. But the video really isn’t the character-bashing piece that it might seem like. Rather, it’s as much a deconstruction of a character that has been heavily idealized by the fandom, pointing out the many mistakes and, while it certainly was not her fault, how she was driven more by a personal need for validation rather than selfless love.

That’s when it all clicked for me, all the little pieces coming together.

Despite how badass she appears to be, despite how unwavering her adoration for Madoka is, Homura Akemi is someone who was broken from the beginning, who was re-broken again and again, who never seemed to make the right choice, who was never allowed to have what she wanted, who was never allowed to win, until she finally snapped and ripped apart the carefully-laid plans and systems that seemed to be set against her.

Homura Akemi did everything wrong, and that is fascinating!

Consider: when we first meet her, she is a young girl who has known nothing but neglect, who has been shuffled around by an uncaring system her entire life, who is physically weak due to a heart condition, who is terrified by any kind of attention and is genuinely perturbed just by being called by her first name.

Of all the tragic backstories in the series, hers is easily the worst. Mami and Kyoko’s characterizations are both defined by having a single horrific event in their respective pasts that took everything away from them, events that shattered their worlds and which they blamed themselves for. But at the very least they had something before the cruel hand of fate reached into their lives. Homura never had anything! Her family is so completely out of the picture to not even warrant a mention! Her heart condition leaves her constantly balanced on the precipice of death and frequently leaves her weak and in pain. She’s never had a real friend, never had anyone close, never had anything that made her feel good about being herself. So when the Arch of Victory witch ensnares her with suicidal thoughts, it doesn’t really have to try very hard.

And then Madoka came into her life. A cheerful, outgoing girl who showed her kindness, one who called her by her name and said that it was pretty. Someone who came to her during the scariest moment in Homura’s life like a guardian angel and saved her. Someone who was everything Homura had ever wanted: kind, humble, encouraging, non-judgmental, loving, powerful, protecting, and the list goes on.

Is there any wonder that Homura became infatuated with her? Not one bit.

But then something terrible happened. Madoka and Mami were faced with the horror of Walpurgisnacht, and it killed them. Finally Homura had someone in her life that made her feel good about being herself, and that person was stolen from her. She had to watch Madoka fail. She had to watch Madoka die. And she just stood by and did nothing.

And it is then that Homura made her first mistake. Kyubey being the opportunistic manipulator that he is, he took advantage of her vulnerable state in order to add another soul to his quota. And of course Homura accepted; who could blame her?

But consider this: Homura could have wished for Madoka to be resurrected. Walpurgisnacht had been defeated; it was no longer a threat! Then the two of them (or three, had Mami been brought back as well) would have been together, fighting side-by-side! I mean, it would have eventually ended in tears anyway, but Homura had no way of knowing that. As far as she knew, she was in a traditional magical girl story that just so happened to have a bad end, one that she could have fixed.

Instead, she wished to be sent back in time to redo her first meeting with Madoka, only this time as a Puella Magi. That way, she could help Madoka and Mami prepare for Walpurgisnacht! She could protect Madoka!

It wasn’t enough just to have her dearest (and only) friend back in her life. Homura wanted to switch the roles. She wanted to protect Madoka like Madoka had protected her. She wanted a reason to keep existing, a mission, a way to prove her worthiness, because she still hated herself and needed something to validate her existence.

But it wasn’t that kind of show. She didn’t have all the information. How could she have known that Kyubey was being deceptive? How could she have known of the truth about witches? How could she have known that her time-looping would make Walpurgisnacht stronger? How could she have known that each loop would alter the timestream, entangling both Sayaka and Kyoko in its web?

Still, she kept trying. She made herself stronger and stronger in hopes that she would be able to stop Walpurgisnacht in time. She tried to warn everyone about Kyubey and the witches only to be disbelieved. She watched the others die around her again and again. She watched Madoka either die or succumb to despair and become a witch herself.

And then it happened.

That all-important timeline, where everything in her changed.

The one where she and Madoka finally successfully defeated Walpurgisnacht, but lost everything else. The one where they laid side-by-side in the ruins and the rain, as their cracked soul gems grew darker and the darker. The one where Homura resigned herself to becoming a witch.

The one where Madoka sacrificed her final grief seed, Sayaka’s grief seed, in order to save Homura. The one where she made Homura promise to go back and prevent her from making a contract in the first place. And the one where Madoka died again, not in battle against a witch, but by Homura’s own hand.

Something inside Homura broke that day, something that was never repaired and never will be. It was then that Homura shed the last remnants of the frightened, insecure girl she had been and became the Terminator-esque warrior that we were first introduced to. Her missions was clear then: stop Madoka from making a contract and defeat Walpurgisnacht by any means necessary. Nothing else mattered.

But despite all her resets, despite all her preparations, despite (supposedly) finally having all the information, Homura still kept failing! No matter what she did, Madoka always made a contract and became Kriemhild Gretchen. And Walpurgisnacht just seemed to be getting stronger.

Finally, in the timeline that encompasses the show proper, Homura learned the reason why. She was doomed from the start. Her own resetting of time was only building Madoka’s karmic destiny, increasing the power of both Walpurgisnacht and Kriemhild Gretchen. The more she went back, the more the universe itself stacked the deck against her, and now it was all but impossible. And what was worse, she had done it to herself.

Just look at her in that second to last episode, when she’s lying there bloodied and broken, when she’s about to go back yet again but stops herself. Just look at her face as her soul gem darkens as literal years of despair seep out of the defenses she had built up around herself. She knew that it was hopeless, she knew that both she and Madoka were doomed, she knew that she was seconds from finally becoming a witch after all of her efforts were for naught, and it terrified her.

But then, just as all seemed lost, Madoka herself appeared to save her, but did so through the last thing Homura wanted her to do. She took all of that karmic destiny Homura had burdened her with and made a witch that shook the very foundations of reality. Witches were removed from the equation, and Puella Magi who had succumbed to despair were simply allowed to pass peacefully instead of becoming monsters. The contract system and the advancements wasn’t removed, and the girls’ wishes weren’t negated. But the cruelest aspect of it was.

And all it cost was Madoka’s existence.

Yes, Homura was saved. Yes, Madoka was spared of dying or turning into Kriemhild Gretchen. But the person that Homura had devoted her entire existence to protecting was gone, and by her own hand. Only Homura herself was left to remember her.

Can you imagine how that must have felt, to be forced to soldier on while bearing the weight of that knowledge, to know that you had ultimately failed in your mission and had to go on without the only person that had ever meant anything to you? Sure, there was that whole “always be with you in spirit” thing, but that is a poor comfort to someone like Homura. Yes, the show ends on an optimistic note, with Homura promising to fight on in Madoka’s name, but it’s often been said that the only thing that give a story a happy ending is where you end it. And while I’m sure that many fans would have loved to believe that Homura had done just that, had fought the Wraiths to the bitter end until she was welcomed into Madoka’s arms, the sad fact of the matter is that reality is rarely ever so simple.

In The Rebellion Story we learn how true that is. Without her mission, Homura was unable to keep herself together, and despair did finally overtake her. But instead of peacefully disappearing and being taken by her love, she had made the fatal mistake of confessing to Kyubey of all people the truth about the way things were.

Now, why would she do that? Why tell Kyubey about the witches and how Madoka had changed things? Did she not suspect that he might do something with that knowledge?

Personally, I think she did. Maybe not consciously, but I feel that deep down inside, she hated what the world had become, not because the Law of Cycles had removed a significant portion of the pain, but because Madoka had to erase herself in order to create it. Yes, deleting witches was a net positive, but it wasn’t the positive Homura had been fighting to achieve. Madoka had made her promise to keep her from making a wish, and Homura had to execute her right after. So I do think that she told Kyubey the truth because part of her was kind of hoping he would intervene somehow and bring Madoka back.

And he did, and he did so though screwing Homura over. Again.

Within the labyrinth contained within her own soul gem, Homura build the world she had always wanted to exist. The endless loops had been washed away, and she and Madoka were fighting together in a joyful magical girl show. She worked so hard to build a place that would make her happy, but in the end she had been unable to accept even her own gift, in part because she subconsciously knew that something was off, but also because she had conditioned to be suspicious anything that seems like it would be working in her favor.

Learning the truth broke Homura yet again. She had done this. She had been the one to admit the truth to Kyubey, and he had used that knowledge to ensnare Madoka once more. Her love was again trapped by Incubators, and it was all her fault. Is there any wonder that while everyone was fighting to rescue her from herself, she was screaming for them to stop while her own familiars executed her over and over again?

Homura’s decision to rip Madoka out of the Law of Cycles and again rewrite reality is a controversial one, and I get that. But when you put aside the cool, determined badass that she presents herself as and look at the whole of her journey then it only makes sense. She was sick of it all. Sick of being manipulated by the Incubators and their contracts, sick of having her desires denied by the Law of Cycles, sick of being held back by her own inadequacies. She was sick of losing, and that was going to end.

The movie is called The Rebellion Story, and that title couldn’t have been more accurate. Because at the end, Homura rebelled against everything: against the Incubators, against Madoka, against herself, against a world that seemed set against her from the beginning. She forcibly seized control, dominating Kyubey and his ilk, ripping Madoka from the Law of Cycles and reprogramming her to be sweet and docile, and even erasing Madoka and Sayaka’s friendship so that Sayaka wouldn’t interfere. In the end, she finally won.

And she still hated herself. Even after overcoming everything and embracing her status as the world’s new Devil, we see her own familiars throwing trash at her.

And that is the Homura I came to love. The icy, mysterious warrior that she was presented as just didn’t do anything for me. But the broken girl who seemed to have the entire world set against her, that had what little happiness she had stolen from her time and time again, that made mistake after mistake as she tried to fight against the unfairness of everything and constantly made things worse, that finally said “Fuck it” and forced the world to bend under her will but still wasn’t happy at the end it all? Well, just look at the stories I’ve written, the kinds of stories I gush about. That is a story I can sink my teeth into. That is a character worth investing in, because she is just so damned fascinating!

Now, I’m not going to say that she’s my favorite character now, but her story is the one I’m the most interested in. And when we finally get that long-awaited follow-up, I’m definitely going to be swooning over any and all KyoSaya interactions and watching what happens to Mami and Madoka with rapt attention, but the bulk of my investment will be in Homura’s story, because in a very strange way, her story feels the most human.

Now I just wonder how many people I’ve managed to piss off.