#tldr lonely as shit feel like I pissed someone off idk what’s going on

[foofygoldfish]

hi this is idk me being vulnerable or whatever

but uh if anyone ever wants to chat or like… discord or whatever? I’d like that?

[janiedean]

Just seen a post like "y r reylos upset? they kissed. I have a ship where they don't even meet" and I was ready to go "I Don't Know How To Explain To You That knowingly shipping a crackship and seeing a ship that's been set up since the beginning get turned into some emotionally manipulative little trick by hacks who dgaf abt the characters and only want to cash in on every single part of the fandom are very different things." But I gave up. Not worth the effort.

it’s not, but... honestly?

this thing is... like... I don’t want to say mildly worrying me, but... it is. (beware the next post won’t probably make much sense but bear with me this thing isn’t sitting well with me lmao)

I mean, like, let’s get it out of the way that I didn’t care for reylo either way until tlj and post-tlj I was like ‘oh okay they’re definitely the romance of the trilogy fine sounds nice I’ll be here being happy for them when they inevitably kiss’, because it’s like.. star... wars. I mean. sw is like the one franchise that until five days ago I’d have cashed in on being the ONE thing that would always end up cheesy/hopeful/not disappointing you know, so... I didn’t even consider that there was another way it could end. because it’s goddamn sw, redemption stories with happy endings are the damned brand.

so like... the fact that the thing was obviously set up and they tore it to shreds along with everything else in the movie is bad. like, bad. but people who didn’t realize how fucking insulting it was just... don’t seem to get that the moment you go watch movies whose brand is making you feel better about things and they turn into calvinism central NO HAPPINESS ALLOWED and they don’t even do it with sense - bc rots made no fucking sense at any point ever and that’s outside reylo - it just... makes you feel betrayed? like, again: in 2015 when I came out of the cinema the only thing I banked on was poe dameron not dying and I couldn’t care either way about kylo ren, but like - tlj made me care. as it was supposed to be. I was supposed to care about kylo ren’s pull to the light and guess what I did because that movie wanted me to, and it wanted me to do 2+2 and realize that he and rey were soulmates and fine I was down with that because I like myself a nice love story.

and then like... you give it to me, like that, and the moment you have the character who has had a shitty life, has been groomed since he was born if not before by Worst Person In The Galaxy if the new canon wants me to buy that - or by snoke but it’s the same -, is an abuse victim and is 100% sure that everyone hates him and no one understands him or wants to understand him, you make that character related to one of the most iconic ones in the franchise to the point that you tried to make han every other member of the trio tbh, you actually have that character taking his life in his hands after talking to han and like embrace what he always wanted to be and show that he’s actually happy with it (like ffs guys it’s also probs because adam driver is an excellent actor but you can see the ben solo vs kylo ren difference in the span of five seconds, and you’re supposed to root for ben solo to win ffs), have him actually win, have him being happy for the first time in the entire canon and then you kill him a second later with rey in tears over it except that then we forget to give him a funeral........... like.......... sorry but I feel robbed because as lowkey as my effort on banking on ben solo’s redemption was because I was sure it was coming and I took it for granted it still felt like they were being unnecessarily cruel. like, they could have killed him in ten other ways that wouldn’t make you feel like someone stabbed you in the kidney as another anon put it. but no, let’s give people the prospect of HEY THEY’LL BE HAPPY just to tear it away from them ten seconds later. like, what the fuck? that’s not what anyone signed up for.

especially when the entire thing was obviously set up for the happy ending. like, if you actually misread the audience so much that you think star wars audience wants grimdark when it’s a movie marketed at children then you don’t deserve the money you’re most likely getting paid.

like, again: as someone who wasn’t even diehard reylo or whatever even if I absolutely shipped it, I felt like these assholes took my money and punched me in the kidney since rey palpatine was a thing and the moment he died I about screamed fuck you out loud... along with most of the entire room which was screaming fuck you, because guess what, not a single person in that room actually was banking on the ben solo redemption to fail and each single person in the room was clapping when they kissed because we were fucking waiting for it already, and like......... obviously ppl shipping it are upset. they were given an unsatisfactory movie up until then that didn’t give the characters justice but which could have still been more or less decent if it saved the spirit of the entire thing... which it didn’t because sw is not fucking calvinist central and hasn’t ever been until now. and then they were given canon after being the target of the vilest shit (guys seriously I unfollowed antireylo people way before shipping reylo myself bc that crap was out of line for shipping fictional stuff)... just to have them take it away by killing the one character that was there to show you that there’s always hope for you to do the right thing?

like, let’s be fucking real: the message is that if you fucked up and want to be better it won’t ever be enough because sorry but you’ll never get another good start and if you care about someone who fucked up and want to help them be better it’s wasted time because people who want to do better can’t actually live and have a chance to keep on doing it.

and sorry but fuck that message with a chainsaw. the beautiful thing about this ship imvho was that in tlj it made it overtly clear how rey helped him out of being a genuinely nice person who listened to someone who thought no one ever would and at the same time kylo/ben couldn’t believe that someone actually said that he wouldn’t be alone either bc the two of them are extremely lonely people and feel that acutely....... and they even threw in the soul bond to make it extra obvious. it was a hopeful story because you had girl who never had anyone who was also innately good who could put her prejudices aside to see that someone who also went dark side because he thought no one loved him and then kept on being abused his entire life actually had good inside them and wanted to help him see that instead of writing him off as a lost cause. like. that was a good romance. nothing exceedingly new under the sun, but in sw it was pretty fresh and a good spin compared to the two other main love stories of the trilogy. also, anakin/padme was what it was and han/leia was immensely better but hey someone decided to kill off the entire original trio so whatever... and if these two ended well they’d have been a constant improvement, never mind the symbolism - you had anakin who was a no one and married a space princess but ended up tragically because he went to the dark side and she could do nothing for him, then anakin’s daughter who was a space princess and married han who is also technically a no one since he didn’t even have a surname on his home planet, and if rey/ben had actually not.. had that ending you’d have closed the circle with space prince descended from both anakin and leia being brought back from the dark side with the help of another no one and finally the damned skywalker line would have gotten one 100% happy ending because it was supposed to be the ending.

like.

that’s something that thematically made so much sense I didn’t even think they wouldn’t do it.

and they did. and guess what of course people are pissed. because this movie about ignored themes, its own canon (from tfa and tlj) and didn’t accomplish one single thing except chewie getting his damned medal.

which, while something we all hoped would happen at some point, is hardly the one thing you should accomplish in a star wars movie supposed to end the goddamned cycle and which eventually ended up being prequel-level if not worse. because I mean, objectively I think the phantom menace was actually a better movie, and I would rewatch this over 2 and 3 just because the cgi in this movie didn’t hurt my eyes, but as bad as lucas got with the prequels, he never did a single character as dirty as disney did all the characters here. no, not even padme, and he did do padme dirty.

tldr: if people don’t get why you’d be pissed at how this movie ended idk what to tell them... but shit if it’s not worrying me that people apparently can’t get that it was a disaster on each single level it could have been. peace.

[golbrocklovely]

so i kinda want to vent rn and also sorta explain why i haven't posted anything in a while.

TLDR at the end. seriously, this is long lol 

also trigger warning: mention of depression and being suicidal

recently, i've been feeling really unloved and unwanted, and it's just taking a lot out of me. first, there is this guy at work (which i vaguely talked about on here). he's one of my managers and he's a year older than me. i've known him for about a year and when i first met him, i was instantly into him. i even planned to ask him out, but then found out that he had a girlfriend that he's had for like almost 10 years or something. so my feelings for him have been there for a while, but they come in ebbs and flows.

this past week he has been really nice to me (i mean he always is), and it hasn't helped my feelings for him. so at one point this week, i walked by him and he gave me this look, which i know... really angelica? a look?, but YES a look. i asked him "what's the look for?" and he just replied "nothing" and for some reason it gave me major butterflies. then like two days later i was staring at something and getting frustrated, and he came over and said "what's up, beautiful?" and omg it killed me. he usually only calls me shorty bc i'm shorter than him, and he usually calls every girl that in the store bc he's a fucking giant lol but yeah.... i think i just feel bad about all of this bc i know that what he's doing is just being friendly and i'm reading it as more bc i like him and i hate it bc every time i see him... i really want to kiss him. and i know i'm just breaking my own heart bc i know he will never see me as that. and i've done this before with other guys, and i'm just really sick of feeling lonely. i'm so inexperienced in relationships and i feel kinda embarrassed about it bc i'm 25 and i should have experienced all of it when i was younger but i didn't.

and then to top all of this off, my best friend has been ignoring me for over a month. and to give you some backstory, we've been friends since we were like freshman-sophomores in hs. we've always been close. we've obviously had our problems, but we've worked thru them... or at least, i thought we did.

so finally, i just decided to text her and ask if i did something wrong and if that's why she's ignoring me. before that, the reason she wasn't talking to me was bc she was sick, so i get not responding to me. also, i know we are both adults with jobs, so talking to each other everyday is just not possible. she's stuck at home working (which i know she hates bc her family is a lot to deal with, especially her dad) and i have to go out into public on an almost daily basis for my retail job. we've never been the type of friends to call or text each other everyday. and as much as i love her, i can't talk to her everyday. i like having my alone time, and she does too.

she finally responded to me and said that 'you text me at my most stressful times' and i basically replied with 'sorry to hear that. i just want to make sure that you're okay, that our friendship is okay'. then she texted me saying 'idk !!! i'm stressed with work and idk where we stand anymore'.

this was extremely confusing to me, bc i didn't think there was any problems with us. sure, we haven't talked as much as before. but firstly, we've never been constant texters and whatnot. also bc of corona, i think we just drifted apart bc it's hard to communicate or even want to communicate. this year is so fucking stressful, i just took the lack of us talking with a grain of salt. also, when quarantine started, me and her talked a bunch. she even asked to call me (which we never really do unless we have a lot that we need to say) and we talked for like 3 hours and it was great. so for her to say this was weird.

i'll sum up the rest of the conversation bc otherwise this post will be 20 pages long. she ended up saying that we've haven't acted like best friends since hs and that we've grown apart and are on different paths in life. i said i don't agree with that and that the distance only started with the pandemic, and that i was hurt by her words bc all of this felt out of place. i then said i still wanted to be her friend bc her friendship means so much to me.

she then replied that she didn't agree bc when were in college i stopped talking to her for a while and then randomly wanted to be her best friend again. she feels as if our friendship has always been about me and one-sided and that she doesn't want that anymore.

this was a problem that i thought we resolved. back when we were juniors in college, i stopped talking to her for a couple months. the reason for that was bc my dad had just gotten over being sick the previous year with cancer, and then my mom had almost died from a heart attack. all of that, combined with my lack of self-esteem and my depression that i had been ignoring for years, i was on the brink of killing myself. i didn't tell her any of this at the time bc i didn't want to tell anyone. i spoke very little of this to anyone, even partially to this day. i kept a lot of it in bc i didn't want her to worry about me, bc she seemed to be having such a good time at college and i didn't want to be the rain on a sunny day.

back then, when we discussed all of this, she told me that it felt like our friendship had become a convenience for me. while i disagreed, i understood that that was how i made her feel and i apologized for it back then.

the thing about my best friend that i've always hated was she takes things i said from years ago that upset her, and waits to say that they did. she has taken things from three years prior and brought them up bc now she feels like it's an okay time to say it. since we've had this conversation about the convenience, i've walked on eggshells around her bc i know certain things would upset her and i don't want to do that, plus i don't want to upset her and be told about it years later and have to apologize for my previous self.

also, as someone who has gone thru a fuckton of shit in life, i realize a lot of things that have pissed me off about her are stupid and not worth it to really hold in and argue over. i let things go as best as i can, but she doesn't. there are many things that have upset me that she has said or done, but i never told her bc i was scared to lose  her friendship and on top of it, they weren’t majorly important

the last two messages i sent to her were this: i stopped talking to you at the time bc my parents were sick and i was suicidal. i didn't talk to you bc i didn't want you to worry about me. i know way before that i wasn't a good communicator in our friendship and i'm sorry about that. but if you have been feeling this way, why didn't you say something about it before? // i'm sorry that i've made you feel like this wasn't/hasn't been a mutual friendship. i've never wanted it all to be about me.

that was last night i sent those. she hasn't responded. i'm gonna give her some time, maybe a couple of days or a week. i want to meet face-to-face and talk this out. i've always felt like we haven't been 100% honest with each other, and i always knew we would have to talk about it at some point, but for her to just so easily trash a 10 year friendship after all of the shit we have gone thru... i'm gutted. i'm extremely heartbroken. i never thought in a million years this would happen. i thought she was gonna be my best friend for life...

so that's why i haven't updated any stories or requests. i've just been in a terrible headspace and kinda at my wits end. yall are really sweet tho, so thank you for not asking why i'm taking forever. i just figured i'd give you an explanation and vent at the same time.

TLDR: i haven't updated any stories bc i have a crush on a guy i shouldn't and my best friend of 10 years has decided to not be my friend anymore instead of working things out. i feel very unloved and unwanted.

[scraemes]

          ( PARK JIMIN.  AGENDER. )  Aleksander’s coven is intimately familiar with SUWON YI, a dedicated Death Dealer for the coven.  HE is a 750 year old vampire known throughout the New World Coven for being DARING + GENEROUS.  However, those who are familiar with them also know that they are very DECEITFUL - CANTANKEROUS.  They’re known for being the CHAMELEON.  Though they are technically disbanded, they are still dedicated to their cause.

a dumbass biography.  tldr below.

          first, he’s a fisherman in jeolla.  it’s late goryeo, but the suwon of mud, huts, and nets doesn’t know this.  the country’s in chaos with mongols and famine bearing on their necks and all he’s ever known is the emptiness of land and the bounty of a peaceful ocean.  ( lies start simply here.  yes, to the tax collector, they’ll collect more tomorrow.  no, to his mother, you don’t need to worry.  i love you, he says to a farmer’s daughter, i’ll love you forever.  yes, to his sister, i’ll stay here. )  when generals ride through their coastal town, suwon’s one of the first to volunteer for the ranks.  ( i want to protect my country, he says before making his mark.  it’s not a total lie, though he’ll never admit it.  )  he doesn’t know how to read letters on a page, but he knows how to swing a sword.  fishing’s made his shoulders stronger than others and he’s quickly ushered up the ranks to a position of relative privilege.  a general refines how he reads people and soon, suwon finds himself in the ranks of a golden company pushing the mongols back, back, back. 

          second, he’s a vampire.  after years of fighting end in a tentative peace, suwon returns home and finds his home devastated.  not mongols.  a different breed of creature.  suwon goes searching for whatever ripped the harbors and huts to shreds and finds a band of paler faces with fangs and brilliant blue eyes.  one is his old general.  his world’s expanded in a single night and suwon’s given a choice: join, or die.  it’s the second easiest decision he’s ever made.  he feels more powerful than ever before and he follows the troupe north to the lycan horde.  he helps the slaughter.  suwon journeys west and doesn’t look back.  they’re an old coven, and he never feels home with them.  he feels his best with a weapon in his hand fighting an enemy with a face, and soon he’s heading his own army and chasing lycans throughout the continent.  

          third, he’s a wanderer.  suwon rested in a deep sleep for a few centuries and when he wakes, the world’s entirely different.  his old coven’s a shadow of what it was, and there’s a flourishing industry in the west.  suwon finds himself in england on the cusp of a new century and, lethargic, abandons his old post for something quieter.  it isn’t that years and years of war have made him a pacifist ------ he’s just tired.  he plays with the idea of starting his own family, gains a partner and a few fledglings, learns how to teach and care than kill and refuses the call of covens that ask for his help with lycans in the city.  it never feels right.  not fully.  but there are moments he appreciates.  theater and music, lights and laughter, card games and shopping.  his world slows down and it’s lovely until it’s not.  after decades, he finds himself standing in an empty house, alone, holding a carnaged body and wishing he could cry. 

          silver finds itself back in his hands.  fourth, he’s a punk with a plan.  a rebel with  a cause.  he likes living with the living, he finds, that constant burst of fresh air making him feel alive again and helping lead him to the tunnels where the lycans lay, and he follows unexplained deaths to every corner of europe and asia before stepping foot in the states just as the new world coven makes a truce.  suwon doesn’t like it.  not at all.  no one’s ever knwn peace and he doesn’t understand why vampries and lycans think it’s possible.  the new coven’s a weakness to be exploited, and so he finds himself here, in the city that never sleeps.  a soldier with a death wish, maybe, wondering when a war’s finally going to steal his soul back to hell for good.  or maybe he’s fighting to protect them all ------ he’s seen the devastation beasts have, tasted the pain himself over and over.  suwon doesn’t trust them.  and he won’t rest until they’re gone.

tldr ; fought the mongols, old school soldier.  joined a coven out of spite and revenge and was an elite death squad member.  hardcore grudge against lycans.  slept for a few centuries, woke up in the 19th.  tries and fails at a family before totally rides the vibe of the times and hangs out with the young’ins.  becomes a death dealer in the old coven.  travels all over the world and came to the states to be on the front-lines for when this peace business goes south.  which it will.  obviously.

a few dumbass statistics.

western zodiac sign : aquarius.  element : air.  sexuality : pansexual.  personality type : entj - a. “the commander.”  alignment : lawful neutral.  height : 5′7.  body type : athletic.  hair color : dark grey.   eye color : brown / bright blue ( after feeding idk i can’t remember how it works in the underworld verse ).  skin tone : golden.  

a dumbass playlist.

prblms - 6lack.  if we were made of water - banks.  russian soul - skott.  badbye - rm, eAeon.  ghost - halsey.  hold on, we’re going home - lykke li.  angel - massive attack.  energy - avelino, stormzy, skepta.  m.a.a.d city - kendrick lamar.  sicko mode - travis scott, drake.  money - cardi b.  blood in the cut - k. flay.  lonely soul - unkle, richard ashcroft.  hollow moon - awolnation.  paint it, black - ciara.  desire - meg myers.  closer - nine inch nails.

some dumbass aesthetics.

gucci loafers.  catnaps.  a low chuckle against your neck.  silk on skin.  mouth full of white lies.  open collars.  heavy sunglasses and sparkling ears.  rumble of the metro in the dark.  burning neon bulbs.  sly grins.  humid summer nights.  dangling cross earrings.  a fresh manicure and flashing rings.  loaded silver bullets.  old war stories.  smooth skin in candlelight.  blood-stained lips.  miniature tattoos.  homesickness.  ancient grudges.

dumbass headcanons.

hair color changes all the time.  still has battle scars from his time in the goryeo militia.  pierced ears -- need i say more.  obsessed with the lost boys and has very strong feelings about the ultimate trio that could’ve been david, michael, and star.  flat-out tells people he’s a vampire because he’s too old to be fucking with anonymity.  knows four languages fluently, but can curse in twenty.  can barely read in any language.  fuck walking, he’s always taking the public transport.  hasn’t paid for a drink in a hundred years.  the last book he read was fifty shades of grey.  before that, it was animal farm back in 1947.  gucci shades, valentino sneakers.  has a rug made of lycan fur he only brings out to piss people off.  dated michaelangelo before he was famous.  does one good deed a month, like run for charity or donate yeezys to goodwill.  raised buddhist and still kind of affiliated.  

some not dumb connections.

sired vampires.  a sire.  former fledglings.  fellow soldiers.  trained death dealers.  unfortunate run-ins.  lycans related  ( familial, platonically, or romantically )  to ones he’s killed.  allies who are also openly anti-peace.  suspicions who are openly pro-peace.  a lycan he let free before the peace, for reason tbd.  old friends.  former lovers.  a death dealer he goes on patrols  ( ? )  with.  neighbor who’s room is next to his at the coven’s headquarters.  a new vamp who’s bringing him to the 21st century.  a vamp he’s bringing to the late 20th century.  a lycan who’s really testing his patience.  a lycan who’s really going to make him question what he thinks of the world.  gaming partners at the local arcade.  competitors.  someone who annoys the shit out of him.  a bad influence.  a good influence.  a distant relative.

note : suwon is freshly arrived in new york city, but has been on the continent for about a year.