#to think that tumblr might not be forever part of my online life

[bridgertonbabe]

Signing off.

I never really thought I'd ever write a post like this and to be perfectly honest I feel a bit cringe for even making a thing out of this but I felt it necessary to address those of you who follow me and my writings.

In the last month I have been suffering severely from anxiety, waking up to what feels like a ball of dread clutching at my heart and being unable to shift it for the better part of the day. It's all come to a head as of late because I've reached a crossroads in my life where I've realised just how unhappy and unfulfilled I am. Truth to be told I really don't have any aspect in my life that I am happy with and for years I've dismissed myself and my own desires for the sake of others to the point where I have no self worth, no self confidence, and I just feel like a shell of a person. Realising that I can't go on like this, that I can't live the life I aspire to without sorting my mental health out, I've taken the first steps in getting counselling and in going to the doctors to be put on anti-depressants.

While I'm already starting to feel better, I've decided it's in my best interests to take some other steps going ahead; which is I'm logging off this account.

Don't get me wrong, this account has brought me fulfillment in the last two and a half years and I've had so much fun interacting with so many of you but as of late I've become very disengaged with Bridgerton. It's one of several of my hyperfixations which I have become anxious with in the last few weeks, in part because they are what I used to immerse myself in as a means to distract myself from a dissatisfying existence, but now I've decided to make a change in my life for the better, everything that I once used to bury my head in the sand has now essentially given me the ick. Bridgerton is just now one of several things that I feel the need to distance myself from in order to fully focus and concentrate on bettering my mental health as well as getting what I want out of life.

As much as I've taken pride in writing because of Bridgerton, my dream has always to one day publish a book of my own and I need to refocus my energies on writing my own original stories to have the chance of maybe being able to make that dream a reality. I would have so dearly loved to have been able to complete a whole host of WIPs (would have also loved to have been able to just focus on one story at a time but c'est la vie) and I can only apologise to anyone who's been hoping for an update from any of them.

You will still be able to read all of my works on AO3 (plus I've restored a couple I had previously hidden from view), and I won't be deleting this tumblr so all of my drabbles and various posts will still be here for you to browse and read at your leisure.

Though I'm stepping away from this account, I don't necessarily know if this will be forever. I might well end up in a better place mentally at some point and return with a healthier state of mind where I can enjoy Bridgerton again, and I would never rule out contributing writings again - however as it stands, I don't want to promise anything and taking care of my mental health is my main priority for now and the foreseeable future.

I also just wanted to take the opportunity to thank every single person who has ever liked, reblogged, and interacted with me since I joined. I had never previously shared any of my creative writing online and thought it would be nice if even a single person somewhere vaguely liked anything I had to share - but over the last two and a half years I've been given such a boost from the amount of people who have reached out and commented on any one of my silly writings. I don't think you'll ever understand just how much it has meant to me and the love and appreciation will stay with me forever.

That about does it, so thank you all for everything. I wish you all a lifetime of health and happiness.

Signing off,

Shinnie

xxx

[hiccupmistress]

Beware MAJOR spoilers for season 3 of Star Trek: Picard

Something about my Star Trek fandom that I’ve talked about elsewhere but only ever really hinted at on Tumblr is how and when I first got into Star Trek. Strictly speaking, my first encounter with the franchise was when I would have been about 11 or 12, I think. A TV channel was showing a one-per-week marathon of all the Star Trek movies (Nemesis was out by this point, but 2009 was still a ways off). I was too young to really appreciate it at the time, I guess; I have small memories of seeing bits of Search For Spock, Voyage Home, First Contact and Nemesis during that TV marathon, and I liked it, but I didn’t get that into it at the time. I saw the 2009 movie when it came out, but as someone with only a little bit of Star Trek experience, I simply enjoyed it as a summer blockbuster and moved on with my life.

But then around 2011, a friend on Steam messaged me asking if I liked Star Trek - apparently some online game had just gone free-to-play, and the friend wondered if I was interested in trying it out. Since I had a passing familiarity with the movies and remembered enjoying them as a kid, I figured why not and then my whole life changed forever.

Star Trek Online was (and still is) full of so many pieces of lore and information and references to past shows that it utterly piqued my interest and prompted me to start watching all the shows.

As a result of STO being my main introduction to Star Trek though, be it in its original 'Odyssey Class' configuration or its (non-canon) 'Yorktown-Type' refit configuration, the Enterprise-F is "my" Enterprise, in much the same way as those who grew up watching the early movies call the Constitution-Refit “their” enterprise, or those who grew up watching TNG call the Galaxy Class "their" Enterprise and so on. That was the big hero-flagship when I was getting into Star Trek for the first time. There was a point (like a decade ago) in the game where you could go see the Enterprise any time you wanted by looking out the window in the ship requisitions room on Spacedock. I remember standing there and being in awe of it as it loomed over the requisitions room.

I am THRILLED that Star Trek Picard made the ‘Oddy’ canon. Yes, it was disappointing that "my" Enterprise was sidelined after about 30 seconds on screen; we'd known for some time that the Enterprise-F was to be slated for "early decommission" in Picard season 3, and I'd gotten used to that fact, but I wasn't ready to see an Enterprise-G quite so soon. I actually briefly went through the stages of grief over it, not going to lie, but I've made peace with it now.

I look forward to seeing what adventures Captain Seven and First Officer Raffi have on the Enterprise-G (Star Trek: Legacy?), and I'm hoping that at some point, we might get a show, or at least flashbacks, set on or around the Enterprise-F during its prime (maybe Prodigy, since its about the right point in the timeline, as per Terry Matalas and Dave Blass’ lore about when the canon version of the ‘F’ launched).

As much as I would have liked to see more of it in those episodes, the Odyssey Class Enterprise-F, "my" Enterprise, will forever be part of Star Trek canon now and I am so grateful!

[minas-linkverse]

When designing/writing characters that have certain traits/characteristics which in our current society may be a hot button topic (like being trans), how do you tackle making sure it’s not a Big Deal (ie that character’s dominate trait or only reason for being in the story) but also not brushing it under the rug (like what JK Rowling did with Dumbledore being gay)?

This topic is a little too complex for me to sufficently cover it in a tumblr ask+reply, and even if I could I would feel like it wasn't my place to speak for everyone.

I will attempt to give some advice, but consider this more of a starting off point than anything.

The main two things are research and improving yourself, I think. These two things go hand in hand to form a cycle that if you continue going through you will become someone who wont pull garbage bigotry on minorities.

What I mean is, that you have to research whatever group youre hoping to represent. Not just wikipedia or other articles, but find their own opinions. Things said by them. During that research you might get uncomfortable, confused, overwhelmed and maybe even angry.

That's because we are all subconciously bigoted one way or another. That's where improving yourself comes in. You will never be able to represent a group youre not a part of if you do not process the feelings that come up and deal with them. Subconcious bigtory is incredibly visible in writing. The reason someone like J.K ended up writing Dumbledore's sexuality the way she did, is because she never went through the cycle and learnt to be humble in the face of critique.

That gets me to another point, which is that you are allowed to and will make mistakes. Many weirdos online like to say you cant and will be cancelled forever, but if you are genuinely remorseful and show that and show youre listening... You can mess up. Its okay. People who want rep often also want to help.

Uhm... This is getting long, but to make clear what I mean, is that its very difficult to start, and there arent shortcuts... But you become someone better by the end of it. Be humble, find ways of learning that work for you, be kind and curious, and you might end up with so much more joy than just good writing. Life is better with more kinds of people, cultures and stories in it. I reccomend it.

[lemonarcade]

to everyone:

we did it! we made it to the end of 2023 :) thank you for being part of this roller coaster of a year that went by faster than my brain could comprehend, whether you’ve known me for quite a while, or we’ve just started getting to know each other.

our world has changed and is still changing very much, and i wish only the best for every single one of you that sees this. please stay safe, take care, and here’s to 2024!

some personal messages under the cut!

💌: @by-moonflower

dearest kesya,

writing letters long asks back and forth has become one of my favourite pastimes.

i send you strength and resilience, hope and light. may you find the peace and comfort you deserve.

thank you for always indulging me in my ramblings; sharing our agony over inarizaki’s aggravating middle blocker, mr no.10 sunarin.

your works will forever hold a special place in my heart (i go back to them from time to time) and one day i might frame your beautiful prose and your use of language.

you’ve seen me through my many many reinventions of the (online) self, and each time you welcome me with open arms and a warm loaf of earl grey bread (don’t mind me, i’m just fondly thinking of the wonderful ask you once sent me). this humble one simply cannot express through words just how much this friendship means to me, but i hope that we can continue to watch each other grow and live through life, just as we do now.

sending my warmest wishes for your 2023 to end well, and for 2024 to welcome you just like i was.

tearfully,

caz

💌: @bflfism

yun!! the beefleaf mutual™ that wrote an amazing lqq fic that i was so intrigued by, despite not knowing much more about tgcf outside of the first season of the anime (i don’t think i’ve ever said this to you, so imagine me running to drop a comment as soon as i’ve posted this) i can’t believe i was lucky enough to have found you and stuck with you through your blog changes (as you did with me). what would life be like if i never met you- nevermind! i don’t want to even consider the possibility 😤

even if you don’t frequent tumblr as much anymore, i still enjoy the connection with have through the dash and asks! and :D i would like to say that you have my utmost support in your cosplaying journey ~ (please see my likes are like little thumbs up and encouraging smiles hehe)

💌: @minkibug

minki my beloved tuxedo cat mutual 😼 your silliness never fails to make me smile as i scroll through dash. you 🫵 will be the best dentist. i also wish that you’ll have an unlimited supply of matcha forever (only the best for my fellow matcha lover). it’s such a joy to see you on dash, whether that be study struggles (relatable) or new kpop fixation (good on you) or random tidbits, know that i look at your posts fondly.

💌: @harubirus

hihi fae! i hope you don’t mind the tag, but i wanted to use this opportunity to show my admiration and appreciation for you. your poetic and artistic reblogs never fail to open my eyes to the ways creativity can be expressed, and even more so from your own creations! although we haven’t truly interacted much, your presence on my dash is one i treasure and hope to continue seeing as the new year rolls by. wishing you all the best with life and hope it is treating you well 🧡

💌: @thelargefrye

🍟 my fry queen! i’m very happy we’ve managed to get to this point and remain mutuals (let’s not look at my multiple deletion and creation of blogs…)

smalls, i will always be a loyal fry of yours; even if our fandoms may have drifted apart, seeing your reblogs and posts on the dash reminds me of how i look up to you. your passion and support for ateez is still going strong to this day, and i really admire it as a fellow atiny.

may you enjoy the rest of 2023 and a good 2024 await you!

💌: @secnghwa

viviii it has been way too long since we’ve had a proper chat! whenever we do have a small one, i never seem to be able to ask how you’ve been doing, so here’s me hoping that 2023 has been good to you. ateez’s comeback brought us back together briefly and it was awesome :D the seongjoong unit song was FIRE 🔥 and your bias slayed every. single. rap. verse.

thank you for being part of my 2023 and i hope 2024 will kick off nicely for you!

💌: @barsformars

rinnie i was ecstatic to see your return! hope this year has been good for you, or else 2023 and i will need to have a talk *cracks knuckles*

i missed you a lot, and admittedly did go through your blog on more than one occasion… it was so delightful seeing you back on the dash :D i never did ask, but how did you find ateez’s comeback? they really outdid themselves in many ways, and this album showed quite a lot of the growth that they’ve done since their last full album.

you’ve always been and will always be a good friend of mine that i will think of, and i cherish the times in the past that we shared 🧡 do let me know if i can keep in touch on another platform!

2024 better watch it and be nice to rin 👊

💌: @yinyinggie

you are genuinely a fairy in disguise. let me squish your cheekies okay (please)

combining compliments from teyval and the christmas tree, i am here to present my end of year words of gratitude to the lovely fae.

yinggie, the moments i spend talking to you are never wasted, and most of the time i tuck some of the words into a pocket in my heart. you are like spring flowers blooming in the company of light breeze, and it would be my honour to be able to capture the essence of the gentleness you exude.

my liege, it is MY pleasure to know you and i hope to get to know you even better with this coming year, and perhaps many more to come (i reiterate my wish to someday meet in person)

i feel like you have inspired and helped me to work on myself in quite a few ways, whether it be directly or indirectly, so please have this token of gratitude 🌷

my parting words to you would be that my belief in you stands strong and you can do anything you put your mind to (taking wise words from someone i know)

hope you have a grand closing to end the year :D

💌: @dumbificat

dumbs! (please let me know if i can call you that) my dear darling, you are so so sweet and lovely, and i’m so glad i’ve gotten to know you this year. your willingness to help others and to put yourself out there deserves all the pats on the back and thumbs up (. you’re such a wonderful meowtual and i would definitely love to know you more in this upcoming year. thank you for being a constant witness to my valorant fails and wins. please do take care of yourself and i only wish the best for you 🧡 cheers to the new year!

💌: teyval

to my fellow server members, thank you for making this last half of 2023 such a blast! it's been amazing chatting with everyone and meeting so many lovely people in the span of these past few months, and i wouldn't have it any other way 🧡

to my jijis, your warm welcomes to us newbie mods really made my day. it's been incredible to work together to improve on teyval as a safe and positive space to everyone else, and the endearing ideas you guys have come up with to bring joy to the members is so heartwarming.

special mentions to mhie, zee, snob, ven, yukari, rosey, bell, nervo, meisha, star, henry, alu, cixi, mr cosmic (and ely) for being gold star souls that are part of the reason i continue to go on teyval regularly.

💌: @hereisleo

if leo ever sees this -> i got a kodak film camera!! i've brought it along with me on some trips and special occasions, and from the developed film it's quite clear i've got a lot to work on hehe

hope you've been healthy and well, and continue to be so as we step into a new year 🧡

[euijin]

HAPPY NEW YEAR!! 🥳 🎊

HELLOOOO EVERYONE i am going to make a new year post after all! currently beginning working on this at 11:32 pm because i know it’s going to take me a while and i thought it would be nice to spend the turning of the new year talking about my friends. i also hope you enjoy this header i’m using it because i’m too lazy to make a cute one and i might later and also one of my friends said do it or no balls. 

honestly this year went by incredibly quickly for me. it was pretty uneventful, which might be a good thing!! i did get to meet two of my best online friends in the world when i saw stray kids live this summer, and that was probably top 10 days of my life!! so i’m really thankful that happened this year if nothing else. i’m one year closer to graduating community college as a part time student, and i’ll be turning 26 this month 😭 but you know, making it another year in itself is a big accomplishment if nothing else! i’m proud of everyone that made it another year and thank you for being here with me to read this post. i really appreciate all of you, whether we’re close friends or simply beloved casual mutuals, or if you’re even just a follower of mine; thank you for putting up with and even enjoying my sporadic posting and vaguely unhinged tags and gifs and other content, whether here or over on yangjeongin.

this will be my third turn of the new year i’m celebrating with everyone on tumblr upon return from my seven or whatever year hiatus, and it’s crazy that i’ve been giffing again since 2020. some of you have been with me since all the way back then and i’m so thankful!! i didn’t spend a ton of time on my dash this year (thank u to my bad internet that takes forever to load thereby making it an incredibly frustrating experience!) but i have more in the past several weeks and i’ve really enjoyed it!! i’m hoping that only continues into 2023. 

i do want to specifically thank some people for making my life on tumblr (and in general) better in 2022, but know that even if i don’t write you a specific message i still am so thankful for you keeping me company on tumblr dot hell in whatever way you have this past year!

i’ll put all my love for everyone under the cut and i know i will forget someone and feel bad but i cannot overstate how much i love all my mutuals enough!!

first of all, to @minijeong @miyawaki @redvelvetcult @bataranqs @seulggi my awoo9ers, thank you for being part of my life every day. i love reading back what u guys have said in the gc and i love seeing your content and chatting with u and your wacky n wild senses of humor, being your friend for the past few years has made my life better and i’m looking forward to making more memories in 2023 🎉 i love u!! i do want to call out a couple awoo9 members in particular though because i have more specific things to say!!

iwin - @anyujins ; hiii i feel like there’s so much to say but also so little?? but we started talking at the beginning of this year and have talked so much since and i just wanted to say i have really loved talking to u and getting closer to you this year. i genuinely feel like i can talk to you about anything and i am soso thankful for that and for u supporting me and i’m really glad that i can do the same for you! i know 2022 has been a rough year for you so i hope 2023 is better. for both of us!! haru - @minhos ; u probably won’t see this post and GOOD because i hate getting mushy with u. gross icky ew. but you know how much i appreciate and love you (or at least i hope you do) thank you for being my friend for so many years and for essentially creating my personality bc i think all of my interests are your fault SDFSDGSDG but thank u because in the end it’s all made my life better and so have you tee - @ddonghyun ; we haven’t talked much (or at all?) this year but i think you were the first friend i made upon my return to tumblr so know i am really thankful to you and still think about you a lot whenever i’m on this account <3 i haven’t seen you on my dash in a while and i don’t know if it’s just bad timing or you are finally escaping the black hole that is tumblr but either way i hope 2023 treats you well! eri - @wonjinist ; ultimately we haven’t been mutuals for that long but u deserve ur own message because every time i see u, despite us rarely speaking and just being mutuals that see each other and support each other on dash, i’m like omg that’s my friend eri. i simply consider u my friend regardless of how much we’ve actually interacted so thank u for your effortlessly friendly warm and kind personality that makes it feel so natural to simply be your friend <3 i hope u have a great 2023!

then we move on to the stayblr pals!! there are a bunch of you that have made my life on tumblr better in the past couple of years including (but not limited to) @agibbangs @binsuns @hyunchanz @hanjesungs @seunges @minzbins @leenow @cherry-heartss @huiracha @avocadomin @innielove @jisungs thank you for all of your wonderful content and personalities on my dash! i hope to see more from y’all in 2023 and maybe we can talk some more too!

li - @connecteds ; hi beloved!! another year of me on tumblr means another year of being friends with you. sometimes it’s fun on here and sometimes it’s not but even if my time here was an absolute terrible garbage shitshow it would be worth it because i got you out of it. i’m getting emotional and i’m sitting in the living room watching new years specials with my mom rn i can’t cry LMAO but thank you for always making me laugh even when you’re having a hard time and for otherwise being so full of love, and every day i’m so grateful that some of that love is for me <3 i told you we’ll always be friends as far as i’m concerned, no matter how much or little we talk, and i really mean that. no matter what we do or where life takes us there will always be love in my heart for you. i know 2022 was really hard for you so i hope the world finally gives you back some of the love and happiness you’ve put out into the world in 2023 💫 and u know i’m gonna be here for it!! adri - @skz-films / @hyunebear ; i’m not sure which account to tag you on asdfasdgdsg i know we’ve like never spoken but i think i will always remember the gifset you made for us on yangjeongin and how much you said we inspire you that really touched my heart so thank you again :( i think about that whenever i see you on my dash and it makes my heart feel a little warmer every time i do and i think we can always use more of that in life, so thank you for making mine a little brighter this year kep - @seungknow ; kep i miss u!!! i just wanted to say hi because you deserve your own message. thank u for being my friend, and i’m glad(?) we have moved from being together in stayblr hell to pc collector instagram hell. great. amazing. may 2023 bring us many dream photocards ✨ abia - @seungminhos ; abia! i didn’t talk to you too much in the past year but i couldn’t just lump u in with everyone else it felt wrong!! missing u and the seungminhos content but i hope 2022 was okay and regardless, that 2023 is better because we can leave all that in the past now. love u <3 luna - @seunglixes ; i wanted to give you your own shoutout just to say thank you for all you do for createskz! i know life is so crazy for you sometimes but you still always do your best to keep up with the net and i think you do such an amazing job, i really admire u for that so thank you for your work and for creating such a great place for stay ccs to come together and find other great content agnes - @hyunjinz ; agnes angel beloved the fact that we have not actually spoken very much outside of tumblr tag conversations blows my mind bc you are so dear to me! thank you as always for supporting me in my stayblr endeavors even before yangjeongin existed, and for continuing to, and for being such a cornerstone in this community whether you’re making content yourself or not. you do such an amazing job of supporting everyone and i think that’s so admirable of you and really shows what a pure and kind heart you have. i hope 2023 treats you with just as much kindness!! marie - @seo-changbinnies ; marie comedic icon, free stand up show every time you’re on my dash, your tags will always be legendary. i know you’ve been going thru it recently so hang in there and know i appreciate u and miss u but it’s also so okay to take your time and focus on more important things than silly little gifs on a goofy blue website. i love you and hope 2023 brings you only good things!! vilma @hyunpic ; vilma angel...even writing this about u is making me sleepy...i’m just kidding i was already sleepy. i have always loved u but i love u even more now that we are talking more, it has been lovely!! thank u for your unhinged tags and absolutely abundant love and kindness not just for hyunjin but for everything around you. you are genuinely such a sweet person and just seeing you around boosts my serotonin so please continue doing what u do and i will message u next time i’m having trouble falling asleep <3 happy new year SZDSDGG lotta - @jizung ; lotta i think last year (or the year before?? idk) i made a post like this and said ur tags were funny and that i hope we talk more AND I FEEL LIKE WE SUCCEEDED?? either way i do consider you a friend now and also wanted to say, do not tell anyone else, but u are like in my top 5 if not top 3 ccs on this entire site i think your gifs are so nice i think u could just send me a link to every new thing u make and i would be overjoyed to see it. so here’s to another year of us making content and talking occasionally (maybe more in 2023?), i hope it’s the best one yet! ri - @foxinys ; ri!! omg u know we’ve only been talking more in the past few months mostly because of unfortunate circumstances but i regularly think about it like, well, a lot of shit is going on but at least i’m talking to ri more and that’s nice??? and i do rly enjoy talking to u! and your gifs of course. i will never forget ur gemini abundant birth chart and the fact that i guessed correctly (sort of) despite us barely talking at the time SDSDGSD and i love that <3 my astrology friend said based on the charts of people i’m friends with i tend to be drawn to gemini heavy people i think this means we were meant to be friends so may 2023 bring us friendship under better circumstances! and many other good things mia - @seungs ; mia honest to god i’ve been working on this post so long i’m getting tired ASDFSDGSDG but i love u and your content, thank u for the support and for being mary’s #1 fan in particular, sometimes i still think abt that anon that asked what grip mary had on u and laugh. i hope 2023 brings us many good things and more mc lino gifsets ✨ mona - @hyunsung ; same as above i am sounding like a broken record at this point but!! love your content and i appreciate our tag communication. we are friends as far as i am concerned i have decided this i hope u agree SDFSDGSDG but much love and good vibes for the upcoming year!! i hope we can talk more in 2023 also cassie - @seo-trashbins ; i know i talk to you like every day so i could say all of this to you anytime and i think you know all of this but i wanted to include you in this so you could see something nice next time you check tumblr. i love you very very much meeting you in person this year was genuinely one of my favorite experiences of my life. thank u for being such a good friend for all of these years. 2023 will be TEN YEARS of us being friends. thank u for loving me even when i was an annoying 15 year old and all the time in between to now. i love you!! you are funny and kind and otherwise a wonderful friend and person that i feel very lucky to know at all let alone be friends with. one day i’ll come visit you in toronto and maybe u will have ur own place and i will simply move in and live under your bed. that’s like actually the dream for me i’m ngl. but until then i’m really happy to go into our 10th year of friendship and that it’s so many of them at this point that it doesn’t even feel like that big of a deal for another new year to pass. i hope we’re friends forever 💗

OKAY ENOUGH!!!! if you read all of these for some reason you’re insane btw but thank you??? and for anyone that isn’t on here, i will once again reiterate that i appreciate you regardless. i did just get kind of burnt out i could only write so many of these SDFSDGSD but much love, i hope this post brightens your day a little and helps 2023 get off to a little bit of a better start ✨ happy new year!

[slowjamastan]

hi, I like you and what you post but may I ask what your view is with trans folks? I genuinely just want to know, tbh it doesn’t matter to me your views but I am just curious because you don’t seem particularly judgy but a little more traditional

oh yeah fair question. i hope u dont mind if i expand on my life a bit, bcz my views make more sense w context i think. tldr at the end

so i identified as dif flavors of nonbinary/trans/queer for nearly a decade of my life. ive been on tumblr since 2010, i called myself "trans" since age 14. ages 18~20ish i went to art school. it was a Peak Woke environment if you will and i fit right in. i dropped out when i realized the artists life wasnt for me. I had no idea what to do next with my life, so i did a lot of serious introspection and among many things, made the conscious decision to consider points of view on trans people from places other than tumblr (there is a lot wrong with me), like, i found out that people who didn’t “get” the trans thing aren’t universally stupid and considered their concerns. crazy ik. later i conclude baby steps style "hey i think 'nonbinary' as an identity might make no sense, like at all" and officially moved my worldview away from "identify as whatever you want forever uwu" 

my opinion on nonbinary genderqueer etc people is that it was made up online in the early 00s at best. “but other cultures have third genders—“ yeah you mean like when gay men aren’t considered real men? or when theres no male children in a family and a girl has to take on that role? nonbinary folx are either children or immature adults who can barely function in society. thats not a moral failing btw but it is hard to watch

from this point forward, assume im talking about binary trans people.

i dont believe gendered pronouns are a decision you get to make, theyre when someone looks at you and diagnoses your appearance as one of two things, and trans or not you dont get to decide how other people see you. trying is an easy way to drive yourself insane and get 500 plastic surgeries and do nothing but obsess over your appearance for your short time on earth. this isnt controversial right? we've all seen trashy reality stars with fucked up faces and botched boob jobs right? trans ppl look like that to me. again, not a moral failing, but def a red flag considering, for instance, the price tag and self centeredness transitioning implies. but anyway it feels ridiculous to handle random men in skirts or women with green hair with kiddie gloves in public yk so i just gender em as i see em. i dont give them any space in my brain bcz why should i. sorry if u dont pass and are going to angry tweet ab this interaction, its not my problem

i started identifying with truscum types (because i was never doing the trans thing “for fun” ive been uncomfortable in my body and had complicated feelings on being seen as female for most of my life), and committed to being a trans man full time age 21~22. started therapy soon after while weighing the risks of T on my health and safety and what exactly i wanted from it, even tho i WOULD be kicked out if i medically transitioned and i had no safety net nor any close friends to help me, so i kept putting it off. i was saving as much money as i could from my pt job (while going to community college for my ged) but mentally getting worse and worse. so i got a prescription for ssris.

in a few months, zoloft not only helped my overall mental state but also alleviated the fixation on my body parts being somehow wrong (or maybe it was all the same thing?). it took away my ability to mentally spiral about gender for hours at a time. i dont know if thats a normal effect, or i got placeboed out of wanting to transition somehow. but i experienced the hypothetical scenario "what if you woke up one day and didnt want to be trans anymore" after 10 years of trans identity and organizing my life around transition as a goal.

it was awful but mostly a huge relief. the dysphoria (or dysmorphia or whatever it was) had felt innate and had been with me my whole life and it was just gone, age 23ish. i felt genuinely neutral about myself and my body, and didnt feel like other peoples image of me being “wrong” would make me kms. could have had something to do with my brain maturing also. (as an aside: it felt like 1/3 of my brain had been dedicated to the gender musing pathways and then stopped all at once. my head genuinely hurt. it was a bizarre physical sensation, like a lobe removal, and it took a good year for that to go away)

ive since gone on and off then quit my meds for good, and the mental spiral patterns came back, but its not strictly about my body anymore. its an overthinking pattern that can latch on to anything. (my friend with ocd described a similar cycle she gets caught in. i dont have full blown ocd but i can relate)

i realize my experience isnt universal ofc. gender dysphoria could be a result of a lot of things, but i dont think its an innate hardwired thought pattern. my take is its a result of trauma / autism / mental issues / bi/homosexuality in whatever combination. this is a personal opinion subject to change given evidence, naturally.

anyway. after the dysphoria evaporated, i moved on quick. my ideas about gender were still all over the place. i tried to be more feminine for a while to "match" how i "felt inside". i forced it, didnt enjoy it, but it was fine i guess. i was still insecure about my gender presentation. i still do have body issues, but who doesnt. i wear a mix of clothing styles these days and often get theythemed on vibes alone. im beating the tradwife allegations i promise

this is the point in the average detrans 20-somethings life where she will call herself a TERF semi-ironically and be a shithead online, which is what i did for a while. you pick up new perspectives that feel freeing and suddenly youre above all that gender drama bullshit, like finally you get to look down on the people suffering and laugh because theyre too dumb to "get it." its cathartic after a decade of feeling insane and suddenly feeling capable of living without inherent suffering. i reached gender nirvana and im better than you :3

then you wake up from that and go wait, that was fucking stupid lol. truly terminally online behavior, but i dont have regrets really. the most evil terfily thing i did, if ur wondering, was co-run a blog that reblogged selfies posted in public tumblr mlm tags. i dont think we even added commentary, but we got soooo much hatemail lmaooo. rip straightgirlarchive 🙏

even at peak terf phase i had irl trans friends by the way, and male friends for that matter.

i think the best way i could describe my feelings on trans people now is like meeting someone with a face tattoo, who also treats that tat like a religious experience. they can feel like this represents to the world who they are and are very serious about the symbolism of this tattoo, and thats fine. its trendy in many circles to have face tats rn (wont be for long) but theyre built different, they always needed this face tattoo to be themselves. bro u just dont understand the inner journey like u wouldnt GET it.... and then they complain about not being employable or single or how their loved ones are struggling to get used to their new look...you see what im saying. you get it

i dont hate people like this. i dont think trans people are subhuman or anything. but i am so so SO glad im not one of yall anymore u are ANNOYINGGGGG. I WAS ANNOYING!!!!! in hindsight i sucked so much and was insufferable to be around if u werent on My Level Of Gender Understanding which was based on nothing but social media infographics, >10,000 hours of blind introspection, and Vibes

my god if i could go the rest of my life not having to hear or think about trans stuff ever again i would. ive done my time. ive gotten my trauma. i dont wanna deal with this anymore but it is inescapable online and irl.

and of course, as a lesbian, i personally dislike what T does to womens bodies, not even getting into the top surgery epidemic.... plus theres now biological men taking over or shutting down every lesbian space. i gotta say, existing as a gay woman has never been more suicide inducing than current year /lh

but the human condition generates all types and genuinely if youre an adult and are determined to transition or microdose T or whatever, its your choice. we live in a society. im not gonna berate an alcoholic for drinking or a fat person for overeating either. hating yourself isnt a crime and i can say i find transing cringe but thats subjective and no one asked me. im just chillin, truly, and we can be friends even if i disagree with your life choices. like. its on par with being friends with someone with 200k in college debt to me. you made a dumbass decision imo but maybe to you its worth it, and what are either of us gonna do about it now? im not arguing shit brother, live ur life. manage those consequences best u can. i love u

in conclusion i wasnt born destined to be trans, im a gender nonconforming lesbian with mental problems related to gender and social roles because of the lesbian thing. this is a normal experience that i overthought into body dysmorphia and identity delusions because of the culture around me... im definitely not a radical feminist. maybe call me gender crit but i dont care. i dont identify with any labels that strongly. labels are the mind killer.

TLDR: 

-nonbinary isn’t a real thing outside of hyperonline exclusively-politically-left subcultures, which i personally find annoying since ive left it behind in the process of maturing. to each his own but im allowed to roll my eyes and not play along with larping teenagers and it doesn’t make me evil

-there are no major female / male brain differences. there are no gendered souls. gender dysphoria shouldn’t be treated with transition, because extreme body modification is a mental illness problem in every case. i can’t stop anyone with my opinions obviously but if i could talk to my younger self, id say wait until you’re 25 for the brain development, and in the meantime try less invasive/understudied treatments to improve quality of life.

final disclaimer: i am in my 20s. my views on life and social issues will continue to evolve as long as i live, but the cringe i feel when seeing visibly trans people will never truly go away due to personal traumas. and my trans exes, probably. im super over the queer scene, im a normie gay now. blessings peace love and light

[apriilessthan3]

social anxiety online

i used to have rly bad social anxiety online and after the social anxiety talk during aksel's stream yesterday i decided to compile some things that have helped me feel more comfortable interacting with people online. also, yes this is a little bit inspired by aksel's comfort media tumblr post :p

twitch

i think the easiest way to start getting yourself out there online is by chatting during streams. you could start by only sending emotes in chat. a lot of emotes are bttv emotes so make sure you have bttv installed. there is also a bttv setting that allows you to tab emotes, so you won't have to type them out completly. usually the chat reacts to certain parts of the stream the exact same way, so you could copy the emotes you see in chat. i would sometimes even wait for other people to start sending emotes and then i would just copy them lol. it's a nice way to get yourself out there while still also being hidden in the crowd. since everyone is sending the same emotes you won't stand out.

once you feel a bit more comfortable sending emotes you could try sending some chat messages. i feel like this is easier to do when the chat is moving fast, since there is a smaller chance of standing out and getting unwanted attention from anyone really. also sending small messages like 'hi' or 'bye' to people is another way to move on from only sending emotes.

i know social anxiety also entails a lot of observing, so if this is too much for you right now that's fine! look at what other people are doing and you will get a hang of the vibe eventually. then whenever you feel comfortable you could start chatting, if you want to obviously.

twitter

i wanted to include twitter in here too, because i think that sense of community mostly happens on twitter. another reason is because twitter is a lot scarier compared to a twitch chat, in my experience at least. so i thought it might be helpful to share how i got over that anxiety on twitter.

by being on twitter, you're being a lot more vulnerable i feel like. in comparison to a twitch chat where you are all in one chat, on twitter you're kind of on your own. they're your tweets, it's your profile.. it is a lot more personal is what im trying to say. the aksually mental illness community can be a great start to find people. i personally don't go much in there, but i've seen some people posting in there regularly. by interacting with those people you can start building your own 'network' online and finding friends! follow people, like tweets and maybe even comment under people's tweets if you feel like you're able to do that. i remember being so anxious about replying to people's tweets. sometimes i even had to put my phone down after replying because it gave me so much anxiety. at the same time i think that also helped me in a way. it is ok to send a tweet, close ur phone and act like nothing even happened. this can be hard, but closing twitter after something so anxiety inducing, i think, can help you not to overthink your actions.

after a while you'll start to realize that it might not be as scary as you thought it would be. also there is a lot of sweet and kind people online. i am forever thankful to the people, who i would now call friends, in this community who accepted me with open arms. sometimes it only takes one person to be kind to you, for you to realize it is all ok.

i hope this was helpful in some kind of way. social anxiety can be so isolating. it can make it really hard to navigate your way in life, whether that is online or offline. getting yourself out there online can be the first steps to overcoming or at least lessening that anxiety, and i wish that for everyone who's also struggling with it. <3

[solitalien]

If I Can Be Selfish 🔞

Trigger Warning: Topic of Abuse

I just want to put this out there that I am trying to stay as neutral as I can be with evidence put it out there. I will not be lying if I said that this is not completely destroyed my mental health. This is about Shelby's recent stream and what I’m seeing here on Tumblr. It is completely broken, my heart, but someone that I love so much and admire, possibly be someone so disgusting and hurtful. It hurts I don’t mean to sound selfish but if you let me, please. I don’t know what to do.

I wouldn’t be lying if I said that I wasn’t diving for evidence and proof on this whole thing to try and prove this all was wrong, but what can you do? I saw that Shelby has unfollowed the person and the person has unfollowed her. They have both untag each other in posts that have each other in them.

It sucks because I don’t want it to be true.

From what I’ve heard from her stream, I am so sorry that she had to go through that. There was one part of the stream, that just completely broke me, and I wish she never had to go through that.

I hope that this person becomes a better person.

If you look back on videos that contain this person with Shelby, you can see that it’s from a few years ago. You can see that they are together and a lot in these videos and during certain time periods that were about two years ago.

As Shelby has stated this person stop talking to her after they broke up. The person has not interacted with her as far as we have seen online. Within the period that they broke up. After a while I heard that this person was therapy. I hope that this person is in therapy because they woke up and they are trying to better themselves. I hope that they see the damage that they done, and they are trying to fix it.

I can’t deny that this person had a really big place in my heart because they done so much for me. I know it may sound cringe, but this feels kind of like a breakup. It’s the only way I can describe it because you know it’s someone who I love and admire and dedicate part of myself too. I just want to be home and wait till I can see a response from them so that way I can take it in and, not have to be a mess from what the world is moving around me.

It’s not fair every time I experience something like this from someone I care about, I only want the best from. I don’t know what to do and I can’t tell anybody else about it. Because honestly, I don’t think they care. I want this person to be the persona that they were online even though they’ve said many times that they lie online but for their protection. I don’t want this to be because they want their protection I want to be because they’re too who they are and not hide everything fucking thing they are wrong for.

As of now, as much as this might hurt some of you, I’m staying neutral, because I truly can’t be anything else. It makes me nauseous to try and cut this person from my life and they’ve been such a big part of it. I’m not going to say that I fully support them though. I just been quiet.

This may sound cringe, but I don’t know why things that I love are always the things that hurt me most. They always turn their back on me and make me feel like no matter how hard I try it’s not going to matter. But I will forever believe that all are capable of changing. Although they are a big part of the internet supposedly. They are still human, and as human we make mistakes, and we learn from them. Hopefully they as human can move on and be better. And hopefully and selfishly be the person that I hope that they are. And until the moment, not this moment, will forgive them.

I hope Shelby is okay, and that she and this person hopefully never have to interactive again and that she will find someone who will treat her the way that she deserves and 100 times that. I knew her back when she was collabing with other content creators that I enjoyed. She is just as lovable as I remembered her, and although I do not watch her content now. I know that she is just as amazing and if even more than I remember.

I’m sorry for being selfish and if none of this makes sense.

Please feel free to take it or leave it.

[lonestatus]

hi! i'm doing a presentation on the impact and community of tumblr for my media studies final and i wanted to reach out to my mutuals and fav blogs with some questions that relate to my topic. i would so totally love and appreciate if you could answer some of these for me.

it would be so totally rock and roll and awesome and amazing and i'll literally love you forever and ever and ever! :)

thank you thank you thank you!!!!

the questions:

1. how is tumblr different from other social media platforms?

2. how has the tumblr community affected you as a person/online presence?

3. do you feel more inclined to post more personal or private aspects of your life and or opinions on tumblr rather than other apps? as in do you feel you are less likely to be judged on tumblr than other platforms?

4. what are your favorite aspects of tumblr?

5. what would you do if tumblr got shut down?

6. what are some things that only tumblr bloggers would know/understand?

or

7. are there certain traditions on tumblr that you think other media sites wouldn't understand?(an example being our site wide celebration of the ides of march)

8. what are some of the largest fandoms/inner communities on tumblr? are you apart of these fandoms/communities? if yes, what is that like for you?

9. do you find tumblr to be educational in terms of academics? among other things such as politics and general life experiences?

10. all in all, how has this app changed your perspective on social media, the world, your life, and so on.

please add anything else you find to be important!!

aww im honored!

To be truthful, I don't spend much time on any other social media, so I don't have much experience! But in comparison with insta and pinterest, there's far less reason to use the for you tab. Obviously staff has pushed it in recent updates, but it still holds true, at least for me. I think a big draw for me is the built-in customization in general, with tools for making personal blog themes and post tools.

Since I don't use anything but Tumblr, It can be a little hard to connect with my peers who use Twitter or Snapchat, as we don't really have many other ways to connect outside of e-mail or text, which I think have fallen off in popularity with the rise of social media.

I think Tumblr satisfies my parasocial needs pretty well! I think because of the customization you can accumulate a following that's pretty chill. And if there are weirdos, you can block them very easily.

I've prattled on and on about about how cool customizing most aspects of your experience here is, but to reassert my love for it: When customization goes; I go.

While I have some experience with HTML, I might not make my own website on Neocities or a similar platform. I would probably make a Pintrest again. But if they make it so you can register an e-mail to a Neocities domain I'd be down.

I think Tumblr users like to self-aggrandize so I think most of our traditions and mechanics could be understood by other platform's users... Though maybe a lack of algorithms? I hear a lot of people talking about for you pages on other social media. But again, Tumblr's pushed the for you tab instead of the dash, so I'm not sure that's going to be a distinction for much longer...

8. I don't participate in fandom so I wouldn't know! That's not to say that I don't ever see anything from fandom, but really I'm not sure if I'm missing out on anything. I'm content with the content I do see. I guess you could say I'm part of the "My friends" fandom ^-^.

9. While there's plenty of academic discussion on Tumblr, I don't think there's a replacement to more genuine methods of education. However, there have been things I've been informed of through Tumblr, such as posts summarizing and linking news articles, scientific journals, etc. and methods of accessing them (such as 12ft). In that regard, I suppose that Tumblr has been a fine source of education and keeping up-to-date, though it's far from perfect.

10. I think being able to curate my experience has helped make me less tolerant of ads, weird posts, and other distractions. But I think the greatest impact it's had on me has been all the friends I've made.

[seancamerons]

I don't want people to think I am like a bitch.

I find sometimes I can be a little bit opinionated in things I'm passionate about whether I like love or loathe or some gray area of or a love hate relationship about various things whether fictional reality or facts or speculation. I sometimes have realistic expectations or wild idealist ideas too I do not want people to think I'm mean. I'm trying to fill my cup but I can't people please because it's gonna drain me to the point of dehydration and it doesn't do me any good in the end. I've been doing a whole lot of thinking and feeling these days with all the chaos of moving work related things and friends and family across the board and honestly I just don't want others to think I'm mean bc there is still a part of me who hates the idea of people being mad at me or not liking me. It goes back a long time with that overhwling sense that people don't generally care or like me much and it's hard wrestling with that as I reclaim my identity during this transitional time in my life. For the first time in a long time I feel good independent and also significant at once and it'd a good feeling but I have fears and I never thought I'd get to this place. None of what is going on is perfect but I'm working toward goals and becoming more organized and I have lots to say and I just hope I'm not just someone who posts pretty photos arsthetic or all about shows but real things too. My tumblr has been around a long time and has been a window to my world but I feel like I don't matter in the grand scheme if that makes sense but I do it bc I love the vibes and I feel more comfortable here than I do on fb and other places online but I do seem guarded and maybe that can be annoying to some. I think people in general can relate to this bc I doubt I'm the only one.

So maybe I do like to write about things and share thoughts and reblog art and other things from and create bc this like it or not it's a happy place for me and I hope it's around forever. I'm not who I was when I started here and I've learned so much and grew so much and evolved over time and it's cool to see as I sift thru my archive and remember old memories or blogs that disappeared or are inactive but yeah the main take away is I love it here. I feel safe here sharing and maybe it's meant for me to be a blogger maybe not like a popular one or whatever but somebody who is here has seen alot good and bad but like also through the dash day to day see others grow change evolve and change isn't always bad. It can be good. I don't think I should be so fearful of change but rather embrace it and go with the flow and where it takes me as a person. It might have taken me a long time and life isn't a race and I just know some things will never change and I'm always hoping I'm not intimidating or scary to people. I care alot about people. I don't know if there's people afraid of me just know I'm not that way.

This is all a lot of words and rambling at this time. To friends past present and strangers idk could be friendly with in the future I'm around if you wanna talk or to share pretty things or creativity sharing and writing or prose.

Thanks for reading. Love always, Brimi

[silversoulstardust]

Tag Game To Better Know You! Send this to people you'd like to know better!

tagged by @abitofboth (thank you for the tag mills🥺)

what book are you currently reading?

under the whispering door by by TJ Klune. the book is fine, I like reading TJ Klune’s work but it’s taking me forever to finish because of its heavy subjects. (death and afterlife, and it’s hard for me because of recent losses)

what do you usually wear?

depends on what I’m doing, I guess. currently staying up in bed past midnight so i’m in my comfy jammy and a yellow sweater <3 

how tall are you?

5 ft 2. AND OLY @olyollyoxenfree BEFORE YOU COME FOR ME I AM TALL FOR AN ASIAN LMAO 

what’s your star sign? do you share a birthday with a celebrity or historical event? 

sagittarius. I share birthday with Scarlet Johanson, Mark Ruffalo and Jamie-Lee Curtis!

do you go by your name or a nickname?

I go by Chromie online. it’s a nickname given by someone I talked to on tumblr in the past, and I like it so much it stuck with me even though we part ways not on so good terms. wherever she is I hope she’s doing fine <3 

did you grow up to become what you wanted to be as a child?  

yeah but I kinda wish I didn’t, honestly. working in healthcare is taxing both mentally and physically, and I have assholes for colleagues. (tho I think that’s applicable everywhere.)

what’s something you’re good at vs something you’re bad at?

good at: showing up and being there for people I care about

bad at: asking for help

if you draw/write, or create in any way, what's your favorite picture/favorite line/favorite etc. from something you created this year? 

This is from my Steddie time travel fix it AU, and I don’t know why but I really loved it.

Steve never really had anyone to split chores with before. His parents are almost never home. Robin does stay over from time to time, but she prefers ordering pizza, it’s her comfort food that’s almost always denied when she’s home, so she takes the chance to order it whenever she’s sleeping over at Steve’s place. Steve never thought having someone do the dishes for him as romantic, but here he is, staring at this metalhead in his kitchen, with glorious long hair and tattoos all over his skin wearing all black ensemble, wiping a spatula using dry cloth over the sink, occasionally smiling at Steve, a domestic bliss in the unlikeliest of time. Eddie caught him staring and when he asks why, there’s just a jumbled up emotions inside Steve that he can’t possibly put into words. So instead he turns the stove off and makes out with Eddie against the counter, thinking that this, this is what he’s been missing his entire life.

dogs or cats?

a cat person through and through. cant live with them, cant live without them, y’know? 

what's something you would like to create content for?

thinking of writing some ronance fics in the future! maybe loid/yor tooth rotting fluff and some nanami kento/haibara yu content because those two deserve better than their fate in the manga 

what’s something you’re currently obsessed with?

if you’ve been on my tumblr for the last six months, you’d notice I have been entirely consumed by steddie brainrot and stranger things lol

what's something you were excited about that turned out to be disappointing this year?

Dr Strange: multiverse of madness. wandavision series was so spectacular and I was giddy for it until months later they revealed that the writer was mike waldron. the bar of my expectation was so low it was basically on the floor and yet I was still disappointed 

what’s a hidden talent of yours? 

I can write with both hands. does that count??

what's something you wish to have at this moment? 

a long hug and a shoulder to cry on would be nice. cant exactly cry on cue but I think if someone hold me long enough I might start crying lol 

tagging @mygeekcorner @olyollyoxenfree @harrringtons @steviesmunson @froof-of-the-loof @princessstevemunson @cursedfoxteeth @iprefertheterminsane @gundamthey17 <3

[significant-ace-nnoyance]

hi ily. for questions, 1, 12, and 24? <333

HI OMG ILY TOO 😭😭 already know this is gonna take me a hot minute because u chose some deep questions but mostly because that’s just a me problem <3333 here we go!!!

what are 3 things you’d say shaped you into who you are?

dAng okay starting off STRONG hm for positive things i’d say first my middle school friends. my friend group coming out opened to door to my own queerness and created an atmosphere where queerness was the norm and we were able to unapologetically express that. it’s a little nostalgic looking back because since moving schools i’ve definitely had to suppress a ton more and talking about my queerness in any way irl has become sort of taboo for me which is a little sad. but i will forever be grateful for them for introducing that side of the world that i might have taken a long time to meet otherwise and ofc for being such a beautiful support system and lovely people <3 i miss yall second uhhhhhhhhh i’d say omg okay so listen this is gonna sound stupid but i am 100% serious when i say seaweed brain podcast. they not only reintroduced me to percy jackson and showed that it’s okay to still love this fandom when you’ve “outgrown it” (and that led to me re entering a lot of fandoms that used to bring me a ton of joy as a kid) but they’ve also taught me a ton, how to think critically about text you read and topics you hear about, how to love a text and see it’s faults, showed me a ton of new perspectives and taught me a lot of important lessons about like problematic parts of literature or tropes or ideas that as a kid i obviously didn’t catch but are so so important for me to learn about and start unlearned now. and ofc theyve showed me that it’s okay to have different opinions and to change your opinions and to share your opinions and have respectful open fun discourse about them <3 and always such a queer safe space for me before tumblr was in the picture and have let me live vicariously through their rants of how gay the books are with their guests :) so yes i would fr say they have shaped me a lot into the much more informed nerd i am now and help provide a support system and a source of comfort from irl <33 love u erica and carter lol keep slaying and lastly i’d say definitely joining tumblr <3 i first came on here last summer after a therapy session where my therapist was asking about my friends and was like ‘well do u have any online friends’ and i was like no my parents wouldn’t let me and also i wasn’t sure how to even find those friends. and then i remembered about tumblr which i had previously though was like an old app like i didn’t think it still existed 😭😭 and i was like well hm lets see if it’s still there and honestly *winks at camera* it was the best thing that i’d ever done no but seriously i was not doing so hot at that point and the community on tumblr—just the unapologetic joy and curiosity and passion and casual affection and community—it really helped me just to get through the day knowing i had a source of joy at the end of it! and it also gave me a space where i could be myself after a day of masking and conformity and finally god finally have somewhere where i could express things like hyperfixations or simple queer things without apology or criticism and ahhhh it’s helped me love myself so much more and encouraged my curiosity and helped me learn so much through so many resources! and ofc gave me many many lovely ao3 fics :) ily all so so much ty for being the best <3 tumblr for the win

12. what’s some good advice you want to share?

probably something i think a lot more people need to hear is that no one fits into a box. humans exist on a spectrum in pretty much every dimension of our life and trying to limit yourself to just one point on that spectrum erases so much of the beauty and potential and magnitude of just living as yourself. even though society might tell you that you’ll only be accepted if you look, dress, talk, act, believe, grow up, love, experience the world in one way, they’re lying. those are systems of oppression that have hundreds of thousands of forever of years integrating in our institutions and so yes they will make it hard for you to exist as you are no matter what. but they are nothing compared to the true complexity and nuance of being human. they cannot define you—literally no one can define you except yourself. and that’s another thing: it’s okay to be wrong about that definition. the journey of self discovery and throwing off the labels society has placed on you since birth is not. easy. but it doesn’t have to be, and it will never look the same for anyone, and you will probably make interpretations about how you fit into the world that you will disagree with later on! but the important thing is to find people who care about you and support you and love you not despite but because of who you are and if you are struggling to find those people, make sure to care about and support and love yourself!! because you are beautiful and strong and worthy for just existing in this world that is trying it’s damn hardest to make it difficult <3 i love you for all the wonderful confusing doesn’t make sense and doesn’t have to lovely rainbow of a human being you are

24. what’s one thing you’re proud of yourself for?

jesus u fr chose the hard ones bestie 😭😭 um i’d say one thing i am proud of myself for is how much i’ve grown over just the last year or so? i’ve found so many incredible resources and learned through research and communities and self reflection SO much about myself and about others!! i’m really proud of how much more informed and critically thinking and mature i am today, and how much i’ve learned about my own biases and those present in the institutions controlling our everyday lives. obviously still working on it but i think i can say i’m much more able to see things in a nuanced way and im more informed about a TON of things that i previously assumed i knew! i also love how this has really fed my curiosity and also allowed me to connect with other people like y’all in communities i never would have reached out to otherwise <3

well oh my gosh. would you look at this. kiri finished an ask response the???? day of?????? thank you so much for the ask bestie ilysm hopefully this unedited rant was understandable <333 have a slay day u icon

[lad-bug-and-chad-noir]

3, 5, and 38 for the ask game? (i tried to send an ask earlier but i think it might not have gone through whoops)

sorry, tumblr must have eaten your first ask! but thank you for sending it again!!

3. 3 films you could watch for the rest of your life and not get bored of?

okay i already answered this one here, and instead of doing another three films i decided to do three tv shows because they’re typically more important to me!! however i struggled a lot deciding on just three so i have two categories of tv shows that i could watch for the rest of my life

shows that are Important to me

the Switch – a transgender sitcom that always feels like coming home, i rewatch it at least twice a year

Koisenu Futari – a Japanese show about two aroace friends coming together to be an unconventional family

W.I.T.C.H – it was a big part of my childhood and is a massive comfort show for me!!

shows i could watch forever for entertainment value

Doctor Who – there’s so much of it and i love it all! particularly classic who, but i love new who too!! (13, my beloved)

Buffy the Vampire Slayer – i’ve rewatched it a lot and it’s the same incredible experience every time!

Miraculous – it’s Good Vibes and i feel like it needs to be on the list lmao

5. what made you start your blog?

back in the days of yore (2014) i made a blog because i was just discovering my queer identity and i knew it was a place i could experience the queer community from the sidelines - i was active as a purely lgbt blog until late 2018 when my usage started to drop off. in 2020 i came back to tumblr with a new account for sharing my poetry with a few of my friends who also write poetry. then i discovered miraculous and started Lurking in the fandom. some uhhh stuff happened and i decided to stop posting my poetry online, and just converted my blog into a miraculous blog so i could interact with the fandom properly!!

38. fave song at the moment?

my brain is full of Worms and their favourite song is That’s Me by ABBA, they sing it all the time :)))))

i'm not sure i could pick a fave song for myself though!! i love too many things!! my fave album is Sheer Heart Attack by Queen though

[djemsostylist]

Forever & Always, Part 1

So, for those of you that are new or uninitiated, my fandom life online actually started out bc of The Vampire Diaries. See, way back, oh, 2010ish, I was in grad school and probably bordering on what might be gently described as a "depressive time" wherein I needed a sort of escape from reality. And so I turned to a teenage vampire drama. TVD gained me a tumblr, and a livejournal, and honestly an A03 account, and a FF.net account and taught me how to make gifs and to converse in the great wide world of fandom. I was by no means a large voice in the TVD world, but I was probably in at least tier 3. If you go back far enough, it's all TVD, all the way down. In fact, it took until Steve Rogers for Stefan Salvatore to be dethroned as the top tag on my tumblr.

That is all to say, that like many things, TVD had it's time in my life, and then I moved on. By mid season 4 I'd had my fill of teen vampire drama, and I declared myself well free of it all. TVD, The Originals, Legacies--I was over it. No need to go back and tread through waters I knew would be rough. I loved TVD for what it was and the potential it had, and I'll never regret that time in my life, but I had moved on. The need had passed and I had other fandoms to fill my time.

The Originals came out bc of a conversation with @disisphlebotinum where she was convinced I'd finally be able to get a ship that actually ended up good. I'd avoided The Originals for a long time, mostly because I knew that the show runner was a menace, and that one of her long time writers also had a reputation for being...bad. (Julie and Carina are menaces I swear). I wasn't down for more mess. But I had time and stuff to keep me busy while I watched, and I've always had a soft spot for Elijah (Daniel Gillies gives him something that makes me weak in the knees) so I thought "why not?". I've watched worse trash for less.

The Originals did the thing a few other shows have done to me, where it sort of sneaks up on me and then before I know it, it's got me by the throat. I've talked about this before on my blog, but I think there is a difference between good and good, and The Originals, much like TVD before it, is not good. The writing is inconsistent, their ability to maintain character consistency for more than 3 seasons is 0, and they both suffer from the problem of "how can you up the stakes when the stakes are already so high?". Like most tv shows, The Originals suffered from too many characters, a surplus of plot, a dash of cringe, and as ever, the eternal curse of going on just a little bit too long (season 5, I mean you). But, like many a trash show before, The Originals also suffers from a case of potential. The ideas of TO, and the characters they created, are intriguing enough that in better, more competent hands, I think it could have been something truly special.

And so, in classic Djem fashion, I'm going to overanalyze a thing which was never meant to be analyzed in the first place, and I'm going to attempt to put my thoughts about this show in order in an attempt to find some sort of closure to this throwback chapter in my fandom life. Any show that gets me to cry at a season finale is, in my opinion, worthy of at least some level of analysis. That, and perhaps I love talking just a bit too much about things that really, in the end, do not matter.

[help-me-find-a-name-please-lol]

molotovmochtail -> help-me-find-a-name-please-lol

no-one asked but:

my original blog name was a cute little superhero-sidekick name I gave to my dog when I was doing a "make fitness fun by turning it into a nerdy superhero game" thing, which I used purely because I could not think of anything else that wasn't already taken and I just wanted to be able to be a part of tumblr.

now I still can't think of anything new, but when it already sucks for haters to find and reblog your posts attacking you or your thoughts/interests etc, I especially can't stand to keep seeing these attacks directed towards my (now deceased) dog's nickname. (disclaimer: I know opinions posted on here are generally public and no-one can totally control who sees or responds to them, and that I myself am bitter and opinionated and deserve for others to be able to reply in kind. and that me picking a sentimental url is no-one else's fault. the point is just that I'm correcting my own past actions that have made the expected online interactions worse for me). hoping I can come up with a new neutral url so that when I'm faced with absolute bullshit opinions on a reblog, the tough decision of whether to argue back against the stupidity (which is a fruitless exercise against wilful ignorance) or to just block, let them pat themselves on the back and think they are clever (which they'll do anyway) and get on with my life, at least won't mean letting my beautiful girl's name be stuck undefended on their toxic blog forever. cos I just don't have enough time to waste it with idiots. I've waited much longer than I should have to change this, but while I haven't built many friendships or associations here, I just didn't want to lose connection to the people who might at least have grown passingly familiar with me in an occasionally-positive way 😅

[reneenalaniartista]

1.11.24

Happy angel number/portal number day! And today is the first New Moon of the New Year in Capricorn.

111 is a significant date. 111 is associated with boosted confidence, motivation, and decision making. 1 in numerology signifies determination , independence, and opportunity. And since there's three 1s in this sequence, 3 is a magical number. 3 represents creativity, communication, optimism, and curiosity.

I'll have to post a picture of my New Moon in Capricorn altar here later.

If you're not SUPER familiar with me, then you should know that I'm into astrology, spirituality, and mysticism. And this is where I might lose some of you. "Oh, lawd. She's one of THOSE weirdos." To which I say, hell yeah! What of it? Haha!

I'll have to save that origin story for another day because it is a LONG story. Thinking about how it all started got me curious and sent me down the nostalgia rabbit hole. I got to thinking about my first friend group and I revisited my old online community pages. Before instagram, tumblr, twitter, facebook... BEFORE MYSPACE. I was on an art community page.

Here's a sample of that insanity. Artwork isn't mine. This was part of a roleplay story my friend and I would do. Like DnD, but without dice. It was just us in an AOL group chat either with other friends or just amongst ourselves.

Suffocated 2 Death. Chapter 1. Page 7. By Lea.

It was something we loved to do together. Just creating a world in our little AOL chatrooms. Coming up with random nonsense. We loved our world so much, my friend tried to recreate it to share with the world. It didn't really get very far. The burn out got real and we started to grow up and grew apart. You know. Life stuff.

Looking back at the content, I wish I had access to all those chat logs. We would try to save every session to our hard drives/floppy disks. There were times we'd forget to save and that one glorious adventure was lost to the recesses of our memories.

We'd thought it'd be forever. We'd thought the memories would always stay. Fond adolescent memories lost to the impermanence of time.

It's surreal to think that I've had an online presence since ~2003. I've been online a lot longer, I know. But to be on a public community/social media page for that long? Kind of a trip to think about.

Let me tell you, the cringe material I found. You know how people will look back at their old photos and say, "Oh my goodnes... My hair! So ridiculous!" Well, the content I've uploaded on that page was just as bad.

It just felt like a whole other lifetime. Like, I have changed so much and all at once, not much? My thoughts, perspectives, and values have certainly changed. (And I'm in therapy now.) I was such an out there angsty teen who spoke in 1337 ("leet," for you youngsters) with wild views and so naive. Makes me mourn a bit for some of the lost innocence.

My creativity was unfiltered for sure. I was always drawing, taking photos, writing... That's the part I missed most. I knew exactly what I was passionate about back then. I just did it. I just created. I want to do that again. That's what I'm doing here.

I may not draw much anymore (my hands). I can certainly take photos and write/type. There are so many avenues for me to express myself creatively. It's strange to look back at all of this and feel inspired by these bitter-sweet memories.