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#today has been. such an insane day I dotn even know where to start
ceolocunt
·
4 months
Text
#today has been. such an insane day I dotn even know where to start
#there is so much on my mind about my panrets and my sister and my friends and
#im drunk rn btw. which explains everything
#but I just dont kno whow to even begin to unpack how im feelin
#I dont know where to start
#I feel like im a million miles from all my friends because I AM (physically) (emotionally)
#and I feel like im a million miles from my parents because I AM (emotionally)
#I feel like im a million miles from help
#ive been looking into residential programs and my therapist has supported this but I just have no idea how id approach this idea to my pare
#parents.
#bc I have in the past and like.
#idk I just keep replaying this fucking memory of me showing my mom a hospital and saying “this looks like somewhere good for me"
#and her saying “for your sister?” <- or smth like that. its been a year
#im just. sad. all the time and especially when im drunk
#me when the depressant depresses 🤯 aint no wayyyyy
#but yeah its crazy how my parents are too tired to start shit to point out the obvious self harm scars ive gained since january.
#shocker!!! <- this is a pattern
#my parents love ignoring my self harm
#im just so tired
#im so tired
#this is going to be a really hard summer I really need people to check in on me. hopefully
#ill do what I can do talk to other people
#also the urge to buy a pack of cigs is so fucking strong. I miss weed. I miss anything thats not fucking alcohol. I hate it!!! and yet
#ironic my dad gave me his 30 days sober coin as a gift and now im drunk off my ass
#also my ex texted me today im normal about that too. fuck that guy fr
#anyway. idk. I havent showered yet tonight but I know im gonna regret it when I do. im just so sad and tired and done
#its not even relapsing if ive been conisistently self harming for the past 6+++ months lmao I need to stop lying to myself. but I wont
#im just tired. I want a hug. I want to stop being the one people rely on. I want to be loved without it feeling conditional
#maybe I want too much and this is my punishment
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