#idk I just keep replaying this fucking memory of me showing my mom a hospital and saying “this looks like somewhere good for me"

[ceolocunt]

[shachihata]

me rambling about rejuv’s storytelling structure under the cut i didn’t edit this post so if i’m unclear well. That’s what you get

ok so basically as i do my *checks watch* third replay of rejuv, i’ve basically been putting together what i’ve been calling like... a “lore walkthrough” of it? essentially, i’m writing synopses of each of the “story beats” of rejuv in correlation with the “gameplay beats” of rejuv, as laid out by jra’s 100% walkthrough. which seems kind of nebulous, but i mean something like this...

where i’ve put the “story beat” next to, in parentheses, the one or more gameplay sections that they correspond to. and the way i’ve split up the story beats is, i’ll admit, pretty subjective. i’ve been sort of basing it off of the natural “flow” of events, with each chapter having some sort of exposition and then a main conflict/climax. for example, chapter 4 looks like this:

“goldenleaf town” sets up the exposition for the chapter conflict, while “wispy tower” is the main climax that provides some sort of resolution to this conflict. simple!

most chapters, i’ve noticed, are around 2 story beats long, with each story beat taking place in a different area from the last. chapter 4 is divided into the goldenleaf town exposition and the wispy tower conflict/climax; chapter 8 is divided into the magma stone exposition and the valor mountain conflict/climax; chapter 9 is divided into the past aevium exposition and the west gearen sewers conflict/climax. longer chapters sometimes break this flow by introducing what i call a “falling action” beat. an example of this would be chapter 5: from the pre-blacksteeple exposition of the disappearance of akuwa town, the blacksteeple castle conflict where you confront neved and madame x, and the terajuma island falling action where you’re introduced to the next main “hub area” of rejuv. i’m on chapter 12 right now, and the only chapter that’s been shorter than two “story beats” is chapter 3, one of the shortest chapters in the game gameplay-wise, anyway. the exposition and climax both take place inside of chrysalis mansion, and occur in such short sequence with basically no falling action to speak of; story-wise, there’s nowhere that feels “right” to split it up, if that makes sense.

now, i’ve noticed that what i consider to be the “weaker” chapters of rejuv actually are the chapters that have three story beats -- these chapters, as you might imagine, are the longer ones that tend to drag on in terms of their conflicts and resolutions. chapter 5 “naturally” ended with the ending of blacksteeple, but you have to sit through a sequence at terajuma island that imo breaks the mood of the chapter by introducing you to... a tropical jungle where everyone’s complaining about the heat, literal minutes after the INCREDIBLY intense sequence where melia reveals that she’s still alive, you’re introduced to who madame x even is, and madame x kills nancy. the conflict has come to its natural close, and yet you’re immediately thrown even MORE problems that DON’T have a natural conclusion with the end of the chapter. instead, they get “dragged on,” meaning that to end your gameplay session with the end of the chapter leaves you feeling “unsatisfied” with the few answers you’ve received: saki is missing and nowhere to be found, alex and sam reveal that angie is the next big bad guy of the terajuma arc, nim is getting weirdly sick and weak, a cutscene with ren shows him joining team xen... and so on.

obviously, in any story, there has to be an overarching plot and conflict that does span multiple chapters. like, i’m not saying that all the problems in a chapter need to be resolved in that chapter. i’m saying that the “weaker” chapters introduce multiple smaller conflicts that simply aren’t on the level of the main plot that don’t get addressed to any satisfying degree, which weakens the overall impact of the chapter’s conflict and makes it feel longer than necessary. if that makes sense!

it’s this tendency to “drag on” that makes rejuv’s storyline much weaker after act 1 (the ending at valor mountain), imo. chapter 8 was an incredibly strong chapter, definitely one of my favorite in all of rejuv -- magma stone exposition plus a powerful ending at valor mountain where a lot of subplots are either resolved or, at the very least, addressed in a way where the player’s reassured that they haven’t been forgotten about (just off the top of my head... crescent’s connection to the player, jenner’s love for melia, nim’s psychic powers and inhuman nature, zetta’s problems and disorders, team xen’s weird immortality-at-a-cost, etc etc etc). it’s a natural ending to the main conflict of act 1: Team Xen Has Problems And Wants Melia Soooooooo So Bad. you win! ...at a major cost. it provides satisfying resolutions to the problems that’ve been presented in the first half of the game, while still setting up the stakes of the next act (angie, team xen at large, Crescent’s Connection To The Player). you’ve got a pretty clear idea of What To Do Now and What The Plot Is Going To Address Next, but the main threat still on the table is Madame X And Co.

...and then act 2 comes in and starts muddying stuff up. the reason why act 1 works so well is because even though there are so many minor problems being introduced, the major problem is still hanging over your head at any given moment. melia dead? it’s team xen. keta’s dead? it’s team xen. aelita’s being tortured? it’s team xen. amber’s being kidnapped? You Guessed It, It’s Team Xen. there’s no ambiguity about what the overarching plot is, as opposed to the myriad of “overarching arc-spanning problems” that are introduced in each chapter in act 2. once again, off the top of my head: your role as the “interceptor,” the role of bladestar, kieran and clear, the puppetmaster, nim/lorna, angie, vitus/indriad, the stone incident... and team xen’s previously-monolithic strength is undermined by madame x’s role in the doomed future, as she becomes a semi-ally even though there was very little prior character development for her besides “evil lady who killed your mom and warned maria in the prologue and has some sort of goal that you’re unwittingly ruining.” their importance in act 1 is diminished by all of the new problems suddenly being thrown at you in act 2 that have arc-wide importance, even though you, as a first-time player, have no idea why so many problems seem to be having arc-wide importance.

expanding off of what i was talking about earlier with chapter 5: the problems “drag on”! a TON of problems are introduced with VERY little resolution in each chapter, and the previously-rigid story beats start falling apart, making the story less satisfying to play through even though you know there will be a resolution at some point in the future. take my (very very tentative) outline for chapter 11 so far:

i wasn’t... very sure how to split this one apart, tbh, because every beat has so many problems and so little resolution, everything ends up blurring together. the first beat, “grand dream city”: the missing rune. bladestar. valarie not recognizing you guys. alice and allen and karen and their connection to the theolias. cassandra’s connection to team xen. madelis’s new job. the second beat, “stone incident”: venam being turned into stone. isha and the hospital of hope. nightmare city. who the fuck is the puppetmaster. nightmare zetta. aelita’s problems and issues disorders. being the “interceptor.” the xenpurgis. the last beat, “rose theatre”: what happened to aelita. souta’s connection to the eldest. your crew being signed up for the festival of dreams tournament.

...how many of these are resolved by the end of chapter 11? uhhhhhhhhhhhh. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. yeah. compare this to how much “tighter” chapter 4 felt! the first beat, “goldenleaf town”: geara coming to intercept you in goldenleaf. ren’s connection to goldenleaf. narcissa’s problems with goldenleaf. mosely’s conflict with goldenleaf. the wispy tower incident. the second beat, “wispy tower”: mosely comes back to help you! you realize that the wispy tower is somehow connected to team xen/houses information important to team xen, and beat geara’s ass in the process! you beat narcissa in a gym battle, and goldenleaf changes their ways! ren tells you that he has problems with goldenleaf because it was his father’s last wish that he “save” goldenleaf! it sets up future conflict (ren’s dissatisfaction with the outcome, what sirius and co. were studying in wispy tower, geara meeting up with jenner/zetta/nim in the altered dimension), but there’s a clear main conflict that gets resolved and ties back to the main enemy, team xen. it’s clear-cut, it’s strongly written, it’s done.

yes, act 2 expands the scope and heightens the stakes of rejuv a lot, which is why so many problems Are Introduced At All -- but the main conflict gets very heavily muddied with all of the minor problems that are thrown at you with every single conversation, it feels. i’m only on chapter 12 but from what i remember, this “dragging on” problem happens a lot throughout act 2 (although there are some sections i think are very strongly written, don’t get me wrong). that’s why chapter 15 is so good, in comparison: it provides so much fucking resolution. it’s a “return to form,” in a sense -- conflict is set up and resolved in that chapter, while questions from previous chapters are brought back and answered (to... some “vague” degree of “clarity”). this is very much opposed to a lot of the chapters in act 2 imo, where a bunch of problems are set up with no resolution in that chapter at all. idk. my memory of them is kinda fuzzy and i gotta just keep chugging through the game, it’s interesting just to break down how all this stuff works in a meta storytelling sense ig :T

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #252

my personal laptop has to be fixed, so therefore i don’t have games to play, so expect plenty of these to pass the time lmao.

Have you ever said something just to see what kind of reaction you’d get? No, not that I remember. Have you ever confronted someone about using too much chat-speak? ??? No??? Have you ever revealed someone’s secret, after promising not to tell? No. Secrets are one thing I'm very serious about respecting. What is one emotion that you experience regularly? STRESS, MOTHERFUCKER. Describe the last major change you made concerning your hairstyle? Lopped it all off, lmao. It's been like, two years now though. Who was the last person to walk out of your life, and why? It feels like my friend Alex. She's kinda just... left me hanging for months. I think she's active online, but not with me, despite reaching out. She's also deleted her b.net account or just removed me from her friends list, idk. Absolutely nothing seems like it would've prompted that, though. Are you less likely to approach people that look/dress a certain way? I was going to say no, but the last person's answer inspired mine to yes; like, I'm not going to go talk to people with some crazy or offensive shit on their shirts, nor am I going to just go walk up to someone covered in blood. Name one embarrassing activity that you take part in? I don't know. Like I say enough I'm VERY self-conscious of revealing I RP, but only because I'm sensitive to how the person will respond. I'm in no way like, ashamed I do it. I'm just terrified of judgment over something "unusual." Ever been told that you can’t understand love due to your age? Not that I remember. I only claimed to "get it" (to my recollection) at a point in mine and Jason's relationship, and I very legitimately would've guffawed at and honestly nearly slapped you if you claimed I "didn't understand" love. What is your favorite Starburst candy flavor? THE PINK ONES. Do you think that you act like yourself while online? I act more like myself online. Have you ever lied about something to get someone to like you? No. Who is the fakest person in your life right now? I don't keep those people in my life. Have you ever laid down in the grass, and made shapes out of the clouds? As a kiddo. When someone’s constantly negative, how do you deal with it? It depends on the person, but ALMOST in all cases, I really really try to support the person as best I can. It may start to bring me a bit down, but I feel I'm just like... hardwired to help those I love. I think it's what my relationship with Jason did, as he left because he couldn't handle my depression anymore, and with how that absolutely and utterly annihilated me, I don't want anyone else to feel that pain. Now, for people I don't have much of a bond with, it's easier for me to say "I'm sorry, but I can't handle this right now," but even then, I prefer to help. Does Christmas make you feel like a kid again? No. I'm really most excited for aunt reasons, lol. Do you have any artistic talent? Some. Would you ever shoplift from a store if you knew you wouldn’t be caught? Absolutely not. When one of your pets dies, how do you react? Usually cry. I've only ever not done so if I hadn't at all formed a bond with the animal. When you go to the movies, where in the theater do you sit? Close to the front, in the middle. When was the last time you lost your appetite? I don’t know. Have you ever neglected to take care of yourself? Er. Quite badly during '16, in the depth of my depression. I'll just say my teeth are kinda yellow because of it. I want to whiten my teeth at some point if I can afford that kind of luxury. The last song/poem/story you wrote - what was it about? In RP, the most recent section being written now is my main protagonists receiving a visit from their allies before getting their asses torn up the next day lmao. After a fight, who apologizes first - you, or the other person? Usually me, but it does depend. If I genuinely feel I didn't do jackshit wrong, no, I'm not apologizing. When you’re feeling creative, what do you do? Write. Do you mind being in your house alone overnight? Not really by now. Done so a number of times. Are there any dreams you remember from childhood? Nightmares, yes, and one very realistic dream. What worries you most about death? Not knowing what happens afterwards. Do you watch really old tv shows or movies from the 1970s or earlier? I love The Munsters, I Love Lucy, The Beverly Hillbillies, and The Addams Family. I'm sure there's more, considering I liked to watch stuff with my mom as a kid. Who’s your celebrity crush(es)? HHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG Ever been to a rave? No. Are you afraid to name the person you talk the most shit about? I don't really do that. Like I'll vent about people occasionally, but "talk shit" seems like the wrong word. I don't like gossiping. Are you a jealous person? Envious, rather, sometimes. I get VERY envious when it comes to photography, but otherwise, I don't feel it much. Who do you text the most out of your friends? Sara is like the only friend I text, lol. What would you do if you saw a complete stranger dealing drugs in public?
 Honestly, call an authority. I don't fuck with that. I'm not watching it happen. How often do you play video games? What are some of your favourites?
 I played World of Warcraft daily until my laptop took a shit. Need to get that fixed. Now I play actual video games very rarely... but mostly just because you can only replay the same ole game so many times before you've had enough of it for like a year. There are a great number of new games I want to play, though. I want a PS4 soooo badly. What are a few things that get on your nerves when it comes to Facebook (or your social networking site of choice)?
 More than anything, posting something that's crying for attention only for the person to be like "ugh I don't wanna talk about it." Then don't fucking post it. What are three things you’ve started to like lately? I feel like I haven't found new interests in a long time... Wait! I do feel The Handmaid's Tale and the Wings of Fire book Sara lent me have revived my love of reading! :') I want to go to the book store when I can and get both the new sequel to THT and the next WoF book. What was the last reason for having butterflies in your stomach?
 *shrug* Do you need a lot of space in relationships, or are you happy to spend a lot of time with your SO?
 I need SOME alone time, but for the most part I love being together. Once we're really close, anyway. What was the last thing you cooked from scratch? Scrambled eggs. Have you ever won anything from those games in arcades?
 Yeah. Funny story, there was this one time my sister won a stuffed duck from a claw machine, and it was the one I wanted after trying many times, and I cried so hard that one of the employees literally got one out for me lmfao. I probably still have it in the attic. When was the last time you went out to a fair?
 Not since right before the breakup. How far is the nearest zoo or wildlife park from your house? Do you go often?
 Like, two hours. We almost never go because of the distance. Are either one of your parents retired? If not, what do they do for a living?
 No. My dad's been a mailman all my life, and Mom is currently on disability because she has cancer and obviously can't work because of chemotherapy and all that. She was a pharmacy tech, though. If you could change one physical trait about yourself, what would it be?
 Can all this weight like vanish please. Have you ever gone out with someone you didn’t like?
 ????? Why would I do that???? Well, I didn't yet like-like Tyler because we hadn't been reunited as friends long enough; dating was kinda like... a dumb way to re-get to know each other? Thank fuck that was only two weeks. Would you ever take a bullet for your significant other? I'm single. Would you ever work at a fast food restaurant?
 No. History shows I can't work with people. Are you good at haunted houses, or do you scream your head off?
 AHHHHHHHHHHH I LOVE!!!!!!!!!!! If you’ve seen it, what did you think of the Twilight movie?
 I never watched them. Have you ever gotten your tongue stuck on a frozen pole?
 No. Are you a cat or a dog person?
 Cat. Does the movie Titanic make you cry?
 Ha ha, yes. I watched it on movie day while at the psych hospital and all of us were lil bitches almost sobbing, lol. Because it's a long movie, it went past our allotted time, but the nurses decided to let us finish it because we were so into it. I do have some good memories from those times... Do you think that fat people should wear skinny jeans? I think people can wear whatever the fuck they want without fear of judgment. Do you prefer game systems like Xbox, or older ones like Super Nintendo? The former. Do you enjoy indie music? Yep! What is the most strange piercing you’ve ever seen? Those ones people were getting on their fingers instead of rings... just huh. What do you do when you’re waiting in line at the grocery store? Look around, I guess. Think. What is your favourite beach to go to? I haven't been to enough to know. Have you ever been to a country club? No. Have you ever seen an animal die in real life? Too many times. Animals have been euthanized in my arms, and a kitten slowly died in my hands once. One of the most heartbreaking things I have ever experienced. Teddy accidentally punctured its lungs or broke ribs, I think, or something like that. I'm pretty sure he was trying to bring it back to its siblings because it wandered off, but he held it too tightly. I was home alone, too. It was fucking awful. Do you live on a Rd, St, Blvd, Ln, Way, or Ave? Road. Do you have naked pictures of someone saved on your phone? No. Would you ever go see an opera? Bitch I played Parasite Eve, I don't trust that shit. But seriously, no, not my scene. Do you own anything John Deere? No. Do you have a push mower or a mower that you ride on? Neither. A friend mows for us; he has the latter. What is the longest amount of time you’ve been stuck in traffic for? No clue. I think during a trip to New York. Would you consider joining the air force, army, etc? No. Who was your first crush and what made them special? This kid named Dylan. I thought he was super cute and cool. What is one thing nobody knows about you because nobody ever cared to ask? I dunno. Who did you idolize growing up? Steve Irwin. Do you believe that we are all here for a reason? What might the reason be? No. Have you ever carved your name or initials into a tree or stone? No. What were your best and worst subjects in school or college? Best: English. Worst: math. Name something you would like to devote more time to seeing or doing. Writing poetry. Drawing. Do you like to get your nails done? No. Do you remember the last movie you saw while on a date? Yeah, IT. Do you like to wear dresses? Hell no with my current body. Do you like any ‘manly’ activities like hunting, fishing, or camping? I find fishing to be fun and relaxing, but because of morals, I can't stomach doing it anymore. What was the name of your first boyfriend? First with the title, Aaron. First *real* boyfriend, Jason. Your first kiss? Jason. Are you still with either of those people from the last 2 questions? No. Have you ever used your bra to hold things like you would a pocket? Ha ha no. I think. What is your longest relationship to date? Three years, 7-8 months. I don't remember if the breakup was in August or September. Who ended the last relationship you were in? It was kinda like... mutual-ish, but moreso her. Have you ever gotten back with an ex? No. Who was your first prom date? Jason. Do you cry during romantic movies? Sometimes. Who was the last person to see you cry? Mom. Have you ever been used? I don't think so romantically, but in other ways, I know I have been. Have you ever felt violated? Yes. Do you like when a guy takes you by surprise and kisses you? Not everyone likes guys, so what an assumption. But anyway, only if we're very serious and have heavy trust in one another. Do you ever leave the house without makeup? Pretty much always. When was the last time someone gave you flowers? Been a few years. What kind of gift can win you over? BITCH buy me something Mark-related and you earn like 20 points. Has anyone ever sung to you? Yes. Do you like massages? Depends on who you are. In almost any case, no. They're awkward. Have you ever been skinny dipping? No. Do you sleep naked? No. Is smoking a turn-off? Yes. Is there a certain tv show you get upset if you miss? No. When was the last time you spent the night at someone else’s house? When I was at Sara's a year or so back. What is one food you always crave? Ice cream. Are you an exercise freak? Hunny- What scares you more, spiders or snakes? Snakes don't scare me, so spooders. Do you expect to be married in the next two years? No. Would you ever get implants? Nah. Have you ever had a crush on a sibling’s friend? No. Have you ever had a crush on a friend’s sibling? No. Are you more of a 'girly girl’ or a 'tomboy’? A tomboy. Have you ever dated someone with a child? No. Are you addicted to texting? No.

[timetowxste]

I miss my fucking brother.

So my brother passed away in April and i can't stop replaying everything in my head. I try to do a million things in a day to help keep me busy so i don't have to think about it. And when i don't think about it, i'm almost ok... but when i have nothing left to do, i'm almost always crying. I lost a huge part of me. A huge part of my life. Growing up, it was always just us two against the world. Having that brother and sister bond, the arguing, the laughing, the playing pretend, the always having each other's backs thing, everything is just gone. Whenever we'd get in trouble, we'd always have each other. We've been through so much, from our alcoholic parents running away from us, the cops coming to get us and us having to go stay places... Our little hole we dug in our front yard, always playing cars outside.. or jumping off the shack and propane tank onto the trampoline. secretly playing Mario on our old school tv with the blanket over us almost like a little gaming fort, and getting into trouble when we'd laugh because we were suppose to be sleeping.. all the birthdays, christmas', and just every day... my whole life. you were my whole life. i just wanna say sorry for leaving you for 4 years when i lived with my grandma and when you moved away. Im sorry i didn't come with you. I cry so much thinking of what you told me. how you said you always cried whenever i'd leave when i'd go visit.. how you and i missed out on so much memories together those years we spent apart... how i could have done fun things with you during that time and instead you stayed in your room for those years and rarely went out, and when you did, you'd go see your friend. i'm thankful you had a friend there. and i'm so thankful you moved in with me when i got a place here. I'm so thankful we made a few new memories here. I'm so sorry for getting upset with you, from time to time, i feel like i was such a bad sister. It's so hard for me to show people how i truly feel and that's one big fucked up thing about me. i'm sorry i didn't show you how i felt about you every day. You were a great brother and i appreciate all of the laughs we shared. all of the pranks and even just bugging you and stealing your food. Little things like that i'll always cherish... i'll always remember the way my stomach felt as i was walking in that hospital. i wanted to throw up. i was so anxious and saddened knowing you were hurt that bad. no one would ever think by just falling down stairs, it would be that bad. that's why when i found out that morning, i just said "fuckin darren... he'll be ok" and just went back to bed. i should have just rushed over there and maybe you'd see me as you freaked out in ilex when they rushed you there. mom told me you tried to pull out your tubes and you were talking nonsense and the only thing that she understood was "oh my gosh" i always try to put myself in your shoes and imagine the kind of headache you were feeling as your brain was swelling up... then they sedated you and you never woke up after that. who knew all of this would happen just by falling down stairs? Swollen brain.. blood inside the brain in multiple places... then you developed pneumonia and they had to try warm you up and cool you down, a part of me is thinking that's how you got pneumonia in the first place.. they should've just left your body to be in room temperature.. idk but i'm not a doctor so.. yeah.. then after pneumonia, your kidneys and every other organ started failing and they couldn't even fix them because it was putting too much stress on your heart and if they were to try fix one thing, then your heart would stop... UGH!! Mom told me you opened your eyes in the hospital. and the doctors tried to speak to you but you closed your eyes again. I wish they stayed open. i'll never forget that doctor coming in the room and saying there's nothing more they could do and we just had to watch you go. i hope you felt me as i held onto you. i hope you heard me as i whispered in your ear that you'll be okay, as every machine in that room shut down and your heart stopped beating. i know i'll never forget it. i'll never forget actually feeling your heart stop as i put my hand over your chest. i'll never forget the screams i made and how i couldn't even breathe for a second. and in that second, i wished with all my might that i could go with you.. but i know mom needed me so i couldn't. I can't even imagine how mom feels every day. losing her baby boy... i can't even imagine losing my girl because it pains me. mom is so strong still going through each day knowing you're gone, she's still working and everything... but me, it's really fucking hard on me. i can't even think of my future or anything because i'm too depressed. it's almost as if i can't live without you. but i know i have to. for my sammy, i have to live. i have to be a good parent and be there for my girl. i know you'd want me to. and i know you're probably here with me as i type all of this. even just knowing that, it's not the same, it's never gonna be the same. i wish you'd just come home... i always look at the door whenever id hear someone walk up my steps and for a second i'd picture you walking through the door coming home to eat your chips i bought you. i told you to take those chips to brayden's house but you said you'd eat them when you come back.. and you never came back. 😢 as angry and hurt as i am, i still forgave your friend. he pushed you down those stairs, and i know mom will never forgive him for that. but i do. maybe deep down, i don't want to because a part of me is saying how he took my brother away... but i know it's not healthy for me to be so unforgiving.. i'm trying my best to stay strong. some days it just gets to me and i have to go in your room and cry... i know without my sam, idk what id do. i probably would have taken a gun and shot myself. and that's the truth. children are saviours. my sam helps me every day and i know you must think of her and come visit her all the time. of course you would, you loved her so much. this whole post is all over the place but that's my mind for ya! i don't even care about the grammar and all that because well, who would care? especially when they're writing something as emotional as this. i just miss my brother. so fucking much. with every inch of my being i will always fucking miss and love you, Darren.