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do-not-fearr · 6 months

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Arachnophobia - Eevrid the Drider

Pairing: Drider x f!Reader

Wordcount: 4668 words

Tags: Blindfolds, bondage, body worship

Summary: As someone with terrible arachnophobia you decide to try your friends recommendation of "exposure therapy" with an aquaintance of her, who is a Drider.

Ever since you were a child you had debilitating arachnophobia. Every time you'd see the teensiest spider you'd panic, having to ask someone else to get rid of said spider. It was a little pathetic, and now that you were an adult you were ready to get over this fear already.

"I know what you need," a friend said to you one day, after you yelled at a small spider on the table you were sitting at, and multiple eyes had been on you and your friend. "Exposure therapy."

"Exposure therapy." You deadpanned back. As if you hadn't thought of that yet. You were much too scared to be able to try something like that. "You must overestimate me here. Did you already forget what happened just now?"

She took a sip of her drink, nodding sagely. "That's exactly why. The spider just now was tiny, harmless, and you yelled like you just got bit by a snake."

"Yeah, yeah... rub it in." Came your mumble. You were aware that your panic wasn't proportionate and drew attention from others.

"Don't worry so much. I have just the plan."

You rolled your eyes. "And what would that be?"

She leaned forward over the table, and started speaking in a hush hush voice. "I have an acquaintance who could really help you with this sort of thing."

"Oh?"

"He's a Drider."

Fear coursed through you. Though you had never come into contact with the supernatural yourself, you knew of their existence. If there was one being you'd never ever want to come into contact with it was the infamous Drider. "You're insane." She was either joking or crazy. There was no way you would go through with this.

"Well, yes, I'm friends with you!" she joked, and grabbed her phone, looking through it until she found what she was looking for. She turned the screen towards you and you pointedly ignored it. "Just look, it's just his face. No spidery details to be seen. Well... more or less."

Anxiously you managed to take a peek, and she was right. The image did not scare you... as a matter of fact it had quite the opposite effect. On her screen was a picture of a grey skinned man with long white hair and multiple eyes, his mouth was a little strangely shaped, but other than that he was very normal looking. Moreover... he was absolutely breath taking.

"Oh," you said, and she chuckled at your reaction.

"I know! And he's such a sweetheart too! Remember last year when I was lost during cave diving? He's the one that saved me then. We've been friends ever since, and I'm sure he'll agree to curing your fears with a little talking. In your case just being around him will cure you of your arachnophobia in no time flat I'm sure!"

Yeah, you doubted it, but she was right about the fact that something needed to be done about your fear.

"I'll ask him about it and see if he's okay with it. What do you say? Should I give him your number so he can contact you?"

----

It was just a couple of days later that you got your first message. It was a little awkward, both of you having been brought together by your crazy common friend, but he seemed to be down with helping you. His name was Eevrid, and he agreed to the two of you first just talking through text before you'd go into the whole "exposure therapy" as your friend had called it.

"I don't go out much," he said one day when you were talking about hobbies. "Most humans don't take kindly to the supernatural, let alone one with a spider body."

You felt a little bad about it, knowing that you would probably be the first to scream if you'd see a Drider in real life. Your friend was right, you needed to do something about this phobia, if only so that you wouldn't be a dick to him and his race because of something irrational as a fear.

Talking to Eevrid was nice, comforting even. And as you went from texting to calling over the phone you realised you were looking forward to your talks. His voice was soft and soothing, and sometimes you found yourself lost in daydreams thinking about his profile picture. A feeling of wanting to meet him in real life started to grow in you, despite the fear that grew in proportion to your longing. You knew what his face looked like... but his lower body was still a mystery to you. You had looked up pictures of Driders, but found it too difficult to look for long, the images bringing out the same fear as the real thing probably would. The lines between friendship and something more seemed to blur with every message, and with it grew your want to meet him. He hadn't asked you yet, knowing about your troubles, but there were definitely moments where he let it show through his words that he really wanted to meet you as well.

Then again... that's what you started talking for. For you to meet him, to get over your fear... You decided to take the step and asked him over the phone one day, if there was a way you could meet him. He seemed ecstatic as the both of you spoke about where best to meet.

And here you were, on your way to Eevrid, your Drider online friend that was going to help you with your phobia. Although you were worried he was just going to make it worse by... being himself. Despite your fears you had decided to meet at his place, since not many places openly accepted the supernatural so willingly yet. It hurt. Hurt extra when you realised you were probably one of the reasons Driders like Eevrid were shunned from mayor establishments, but you put it in the back of your mind for now. Next time you'd find a place both of you could enjoy together. Or maybe next time would be your place. Whatever the case, right now it was at his place, and you were shaking with anticipation.

Or fear.

Maybe both.

And as you knocked on the door to his house; a surprisingly normal door inside of a cave-like wall straight out of a fantasy your hands shook almost violently. As soon as the last echo of the knock ran out your hands were behind you back, grasped together as if to not show your nerves.

You almost yelped when "I'm coming" came from inside in Eevrid's calming voice, followed by the door opening and a head poking out.

"H-hi," you said, nerves easing slightly at the kind but slightly anxious smile that was shown on his handsome face as he saw you standing there, "I'm here."

His anxious smile vanished, a genuine, warm laugh escaping him at your stuttering, and he replied: "Yes, I'm glad you are. Welcome inside."

You made your way indoors, forcing yourself to look anywhere except Eevrid's lower body. Why was this so hard? You really, genuinely liked Eevrid, and his presence was both soothing and exciting you, and yet- the thought of him being a Drider still absolutely filled you with fear.

If he noticed you not looking at him properly, he didn't let it show, opting instead to give you a small tour of his house. It was small, sparsely decorated, and in your humble opinion could use a woman's touch... which was a train of thought you instantly cut off. Everything about it did felt like him though, and you smiled slightly at all the cosiness of the space.

When the room tour ended in his bedroom both of you just stood there, a little awkwardly. The bed that was in the middle of the room was more like a nest of blankets and pillows and if it was half as comfortable as it looked it had the potential to cure anyone's insomnia.

"Well," he said, and you looked over, feeling like a high school girl seeing the room of her crush. Well, it wasn't far off the mark. Sadly when you looked over to him you finally did what you were avoiding; looking at his lower body, and a small high pitched sound escaped your throat, barely swallowed when you realized you were being extremely rude.

He instantly made himself small, legs curling up under him in an attempt to make you more comfortable, which, ironically, had the opposite effect. Your fists balled tightly, bringing them close to your chest as you managed to remain rooted on the spot without running.

"It's- I'm sorry- I tried to-" you stuttered, adrenaline coursing through you as you tried to keep your breathing to a normal level. He remained in place, almost reaching for you when he saw your reaction, but thankfully realizing in time that would probably make the situation worse.

It hurt, he couldn't deny that, but the both of you were aware of your fear, and your reaction was honestly a lot less intense than he'd feared when he had gone over the day in his mind multiple times.

"Hey, it's okay," he said, and you felt yourself relax a bit as you focused on the sound of his voice and his face. "We knew this would happen, and there's no shame in going about this slowly."

You nodded, slowly feeling your breath even out, and letting your eyes move down his face to his chest, lower... your breath hitched again as you quickly brought your eyes back up to his face where you found him smiling softly.

"How about I get something to drink for you while you calm down, hm? Maybe we can come up with some ideas to keep this fun and light hearted as we sit and talk. And who knows, maybe we'll figure out how to cure your arachnophobia as we go!"

You nodded. You really, really wanted to get over your fear as soon as possible. Eevrid was too nice for you to have a reaction like this to him, it was rude and uncalled for, and you cursed your own cowardice as you saw him leave to make you some tea. Slowly you followed him to the living room where you sat down on a human-sized chair. He told you he had friends over sometimes, that's why some furniture was more catered to you as a human and other more to him as a Drider.

As you heard his soft footfalls you turned towards him and had to stifle your laugh as he had covered his lower body with a blanket. It looked so goofy, as if he was wearing an enormous lumpy wedding dress, and when he said: "It looks stupid doesn't it?" with a slight blush you couldn't help but let out a little chuckle.

"It does," you said honestly, "But I really appreciate the gesture."

It really worked though, and as you sat, drank tea and talked, you realized how comfortable you were with him. It was exactly the same as through text, and as you looked at him you realized he felt the same. Until he stumbled over the wedding dre- no, blanket, and you panicked to see him tumbling trying to not stumble over all 8 of his legs.

"It's not really helping isn't it..." you pondered, and saw him nod apologetically, as if he was the problem and not you. "It's also not helping me get over my fear. How about..." you were quiet a bit, knowing where you wanted to go with this sentence, but feeling a little silly. He looked at you expectantly. Honestly he really wanted to help you with your fear, both for you and for him. He just really wanted to be able to be closer to you without scaring you off... his body yearned for yours, contact with you not only mentally.

You cleared your throat and continued with a small blush on your face. "How about I use a blindfold? That way I can maybe touch you without the visual fear and that way I might easier get over my fear?"

It was said more as a question, it sounded more stupid than you thought the longer the sentence went on, but you saw him nod seriously.

"That might work," he said, willing to try, and instantly grabbing a clean hand towel to use as a makeshift blindfold. You chuckled awkwardly as he fastened it gently, asking a "Is it alright? Not too tight?", and feeling you nod in return.

"Okay," you said, carefully reaching out your hand to him and feeling him grab it in one of his. It was large, strong and slightly cool, but a blush instantly ignited on your face as you felt him squeeze it a bit at your words. "I'm going to touch you now, is that okay?"

You heard nothing for a little bit, and when you tilted your head at him inquisitively you heard him chuckle a little, sounding embarrassed as he said: "I'm sorry, you can't see me nod right now. Yes, I'm okay, do what you want."

His permission made you instantly jolt into motion, one hand still squeezing his' as you other slowly moved upwards to his chest to start your fear conquering path onwards to his 8 legs.

"Tell me if you don't like it, okay?" You mumbled as you hand slowly mapped out his upper, humanlike body. His pecs were hard, but different from a well build human. The skin itself felt tougher to the touch, as far as you could tell through his clothes, and you hummed as you slowly ran your fingers over his abs, stopping short of his crotch. You were really only doing this to get over your fear. Of course...

However now that you had started touching him you felt your blush deepen. What you were doing suddenly hit you like a pile of bricks. You were blindfolded, feeling him up under the guise of getting over your fear. A small sound escaped him.

"I, uh," you removed your hand as if stung.

"I'm sorry," Eevrid said, "Was it too much? Are you scared?"

Scared? Right now you were far from it. Your hand itched to be touching him again, and you replied with a negative. "Can I... can I touch your legs now?" The words came out in a squeak, the concept still scaring you, but you wanted to touch him all over now, and if there was ever a moment you might get over your fear it was under the influence of your arousal that was growing more insistent with every touch you laid on him.

"Of course." He said, his voice sounding a little husky to your ears, and you felt your hand tremble as he slowly took it to put it on one of his many legs. It trembled with you, but only for a second as you let out a small sound of both fear and excitement.

It was slightly coarse, but much softer than you expected, and it felt a lot less scary than it looked. You let your fingers run over the tickly hairs, running a hand up and down the appendage, slowly getting used to the idea that Eevrid had a lower body that was basically a giant spider without the visuals of such. Slowly your hand reached the part where leg met abdomen, and you curiously let your eager fingers glide across, feeling a small shiver go through his body under your ministrations. Another sound left Eevrid, almost imperceptible to your ears had it not been absolutely quiet in the room save for your beating heart and both of your breaths that had picked up significantly. The sound was unmistakable now; it seemed this little game had an effect on both of you, and you couldn't help but smirk as you let your hands wander to what you assumed were less innocent spots.

"Ah, y/n," he warned, "If you go there I don't know if I can stop myself."

It sounded less like a warning to you, and more like a promise. "Stop yourself from what?" You said cheekily as you ran your hand square of the front of his body, where spider met human in a transition of coarse hair to hard exoskeleton to soft skin.

A hand grabbed yours to stop it, a small chuckle coming from Eevrid at your actions as he pulled your hand away.

"I've taken away your sight, should I take away your ability to tease?"

"Oh? Are you going to tie me up then?" came from you, you were giddy with your earlier fear and your current arousal, and so very willing to take this a step further. The blindfold had really helped so far, and if just touching him innocently had worked you up this much you wondered how much better him touching you would make you feel. "I can still tease you verbally though." you chuckled as you felt his fingers run softly over your wrists, still waiting for your permission.

"Not if I do this-" he muttered, much closer than you expected his voice to be. Strange lips pressed against you the next second in a kiss that instantly deepened when you gasped in surprise. A thin tongue invaded your mouth and you moaned as it met yours, tangling in a sensual dance as he pushed your body back with insistent but gentle motions.

"Where are you taking me?" escaped you between passionate kisses, almost stumbling over something on the floor, and he decided to just lift you up and carry you.

"Bed," he replied, nipping your lips one last time before putting you down on a soft surface you realized was the nest of pillows and blankets you'd seen earlier. It was as comfortable as you'd thought and you sighed as you nestled further into it, reaching your arms up to Eevrid who you imagined was above you.

You felt his abdomen again, but before you could reach for what you hoped was his crotch he had grabbed your greedy hands again. He tutted, shaking his head at you though you could not see it.

"I told you what I was planning to do with these naughty hands, didn't I?"

A giggle from you was his reply, and a "Well, what are you waiting for then?"

He muttered something that sounded like "You asked for it", as you felt a silky kind of rope wrap around your wrists, pulling them up over your head, stopping you from moving them. You wondered if it was his webbing, which made the whole ordeal simply more exotic and more intimate to you somehow. You tested the restraints with a harsh pull. They felt deceivingly soft, but they held sturdy.

You felt the bed indent around you, a shadow falling over you which was the only thing you could make out through the blindfold.

"It's time I return the favour," Eevrid said, sounding high above you, but his next words were much closer as you realized he was now hovering right over your prone body. "Where do you want me to touch first?"

A slightly cool hand landed on your legs, and you jolted, feeling him squeeze your thigh through your jeans.

"How about this tiny leg of yours. You might not have many, but they make up for it in squishiness."

You let out a squeak. Realization of your subconscious action of opening your legs to him came a second after and you blushed a scarlet red. You were throbbing in your panties, wishing he'd take your clothes off already and touch your skin directly, but you didn't get to voice this thought before he spoke again.

"It's a bit unfair you got to touch my skin directly and I can't though..." he muttered, fingers running down the length of your legs, squeezing the fat occasionally as you shivered under him. "I think it's time to remove the barrier, hm?"

His teasing words made you groan, and open your legs a little wider. You couldn't see his face, or what he was doing, and your ears strained for any and all sounds that would indicate his actions or the sounds he was making. The occasional sigh that came from his as you felt his hands slowly undo the button to your jeans and sliding them down your legs made your insides throb. Your socks came with it, but he sadly left your panties in place as you wiggled your hips at him.

His fingers were now on your skin without any fabric in between, and he ran one finger from the slope of your belly, over your covered core, over your thighs all the way to your toes, where the tickling feeling made you retreat your foot quickly with a small giggle replacing your earlier moan.

"I've always thought human legs were silly looking, but now that I have your feet uncovered I am completely validated in my opinion. What even are these?" he said teasingly as he grabbed one of your toes to wiggle as you tried to no avail to remove your feet from his tickling fingers.

"Stop," you giggled, trying to get your hands free to push him away, but the webbing held you in place. This teasing only lasted for a second before he started a different kind of teasing. A gentle kiss was placed on the top of your foot as he ran his hands up your calf, moving his lips up to kiss a trail up to your knee only to start on your second leg. This time he slowly moved up your thighs, alternating between the two as he started nipping and licking his way up to your core while you tried to keep your noises and whining to a minimum.

“Eevrid,” you whined, “Stop teasing me…”

A chuckle was your reply as you felt his lips curl in a smile against your stomach now, skipping your core entirely as he moved his way up.

“I can’t help it,” he said, “You’re just too cute.” Your shirt was pulled up over your head, pushed up to your hands that were still bound as he first kissed the skin around your bra before undoing it slowly and finally lavishing your breasts with ample attention. Your back arched as you tried to move yourself closer to him, body shivering under his ministrations as you whined for him to stop teasing and get to the main event.

“Please, I need you inside me,” you gasped as he pulled on a nipple with his teeth, overstimulating the sensitive skin as you weren’t sure if you wanted to pull away or push closer. You wish you could feel him against your core, but he kept himself away from you, only touching you with his hands, lips and tongue. He removed himself from your left breast as he retreated from your upper body. Unsure of his next action you let out a pathetic whine, thrusting your hips up to him as if to invite.

A curse came from above you, as he mumbled. “I wanted to take my time tasting and worshipping you, but I don’t think I have the patience anymore.”

“Then don’t,” you groaned, “Give in and fuck me already.” You were so ready for him, throbbing and leaking, and if you didn’t feel him inside you anytime soon you were going to scream. Your wish was granted as seemingly out of nowhere you felt weight on your thighs again, the only indication that he was close before something hot and throbbing finally rutted against your wanting pussy. The sound you let out was almost pornographic, and it almost made you miss the groan he let out as he finally ended the sweet torture for himself and you.

“You’re so wet,” he groaned, and you didn’t even reply. Of course you were. You had been soaked for seemingly hours now, desperate for him.

His dick bumped against your clit and you practically growled at him to put it in, words underlined by a sharp thrust upwards that lined him up almost perfectly with your opening. His chuckle at your impatience devolved into a hiss as he finally pushed in, and if you weren’t blindfolded you would’ve seen his eyes roll back as he slid in all the way to the hilt. He was filling you so well, stretching you perfectly as your greedy walls milked him for all he was worth. He slowly pulled out before pushing in again, the rhythm slow but steady as you were almost unable to hear the small groans he let out over your own moans. Everything he did to you was so gentle and filled with love. All earlier fear was completely removed from your brain, no matter what he looked like. And when a slightly rough leg joined his hands in the caress of your body you leaned into it without thoughts, forgetting entirely why you were afraid in the first place if every touch felt so good.

Lips were suddenly against your mouth and you kissed him back with the same desperation that had permeated your actions all day. You had wanted him when you were only just texting and calling, and you realised now that you were finally making love how big that want was exactly.

Your hips snapped against his, legs trying to pull him closer, almost forgetting about his lower body’s width when you tried to wrap them around him. He kissed you again, muttering apologies but for what you weren’t sure. His pace picked up and you shivered in his arms.

You monad his name as if it was a chant, and begged him to remove your blindfold so you could see him.

“Are you sure?” He asked, hands suddenly not so sure as you felt them shiver slightly when they touched the blindfold that was still covering your eyes.

“Yes!” You keened as you felt yourself hurdling towards orgasm with his faster pace. “I want to see all of you! I can handle it.” The words almost made no sense as you tried to speak between your gasps, but he understood either way, removing the cloth quickly as if removing a bandaid.

Your eyes were unfocused, tears in the corners, threatening to fall and for a second Eevrid was afraid it had been too soon, but when he saw no fear or rejection in them, only love and desperation for him he kissed you again, a smile on his face. A hand went down to tease your clit, but the moment he made contact you already exploded, contracting around him so hard he had to stop for a second, groan escaping his gritted teeth. You were so beautiful, so small under him, and he couldn’t hold on either, rutting into you sloppily a couple more times before pulling out and releasing as well. White ropes splattered over your stomach, as your name fell from his lips in such loving desperation you almost orgasmed again from his voice and the visual of his face as he came.

Slowly both of you came down from your heights, Eevrid slowly undoing the webbing around your hands as he kissed the skin under it gently. Your eyes were on him, the way he moved around so gently, making sure not to step on you with his many legs despite his size.

And suddenly you were so glad you took this chance to overcome your phobia. You might still be afraid of an everyday spider, but not of Eevrid. Never of Eevrid. Your newly released arms reached out, pulling him closer to you as you kissed him again, muttering thanks and little nothings to him as he cleaned you with the same reverent gentleness he had displayed all day.

Your heart seemingly grew in size when you realised you had gone from fear to love, and with a content sigh you curled up against him as he pulled a large blanket over the both of you.

#drider x reader #spider creature #monster x reader #terato #monsterfucking #smut #nsft #x y/n #x reader

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akatsukitrash · 3 months

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1, 2, 3, 6, 7, [SWERVES TO AVOID 8 I'M SURE WE AGREE] 9, 12, and 20 for tobirama i'm a greedy hog

HIIII

Character Ask Game

1. Why do you like or dislike this character?

Honestly, I don't even remember the first time I saw him. I watched Naruto during my entire childhood, so at most I must've been 5 or 6 when I saw his fight against Hiruzen, and I don't believe he stuck out to baby me. But during the War arc, while I was entirely focused on Madara, he appeared. And for some reason, that one panel with the four Hokages back from the dead are what did it to me. He was the one my eyes kept going back to. It might not be the only reason I like him, but his unique character design is definitely what drew me to him at first. He became one of my favourite characters soon after thanks to his dynamic with Hashirama and Orochimaru. I like that there is so much to explore in his character, so much hidden under the surface. He's very compelling to me.

2. Favorite canon thing about this character?

His being so hard working. It's just so interesting to me, and makes him feel more human rather than another effortless genius. Fun fact, he's ranked 3rd most hardworking character in the entire verse, after Gai and Lee.

3. Least favorite canon thing about this character?

He never gets really confronted to how terrible Konoha is (being told without any details that the Uchiha "are no more" isn't really much of a confrontation to the dark side of the system he helped create) and so he never questions his ideals and aside from a half-hearted admission that Madara's plan isn't so bad, he doesn't ever think of a better way for peace to happen. Hell, he just blames that war solely on Madara like he's the source of all evil. It's very annoying bc it makes his character feel static - he never learns about his mistakes nor is forced to confront other point of views (Madara briefly talks to him but a) Madara dislikes Tobirama for obvious reasons so he's not trying to recruit him and b) Kishimoto decided Madara is an irredeemable villain for doing less crimes than the average Konoha shinobi and so he would not write Tobirama questioning his beliefs). Basically he's a state dog and dies that way.

6. What's something you have in common with this character?

Oh this is gonna be sad. Well not to reveal too much of my own Tragic Backstory on my blog (unlockable at Level 5 of Friendship for mutuals though!), I relate a lot to the loneliness and jealousy he must've felt as a child. It's another thing that drew me to him, because the flashback isn't even from his point of view nor does Hashirama dwell on how things must be for his brother. He lost Itama and Kawarama, and Hashirama was more interested in his friend than in Tobirama's feelings (mind you it's not Hashirama's responsibility to deal with that, he was a child soldier himself wrestling with insane amounts of grief and guilt, but I get why baby Tobirama would be upset). And having to deal with an abusive parent on top of it all, while expected to not bother anyone with his feelings...yeah. Another less sad thing we have in common is that we're both mad scientists. I'm not elaborating.

7. What's something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you like?

Explore the complexity of his character and feelings! He's such a tertiary character, I genuinely didn't expect so many people to take such a liking to him, and especially to still discuss him, his past, his actions nearly 10 years after the ending. He's taken seriously by a good chunk of the Founders' fandom and I really like that. It's rare for a character I like to not get treated like absolute dog shit (anti tobirama fans who? let's pretend they don't exist shall we).

9. Could you be roommates with this character?

Probably, yes. Honestly it's likely he'd be the one yelling after me to do chores than the other way around.

12. What's a headcanon you have for this character?

Cooking is like therapy for him. Originally, he wasn't allowed in the kitchen due to his blindness, but Butsuma tends to have a hard time saying no to him + is generally not an ableist parent, so he eventually let him and he learnt on his own. He's very good at it, and it helps him feel grounded when he's anxious. He hates it when someone messes with his kitchen though. Don't change the spices placements or he'll kill you.

20. Which other character is the ideal best friend for this character, the amount of screentime they share doesn't matter?

Touka! She's described in the databook as Hashirama's close associate, but I like to think she was the boys' best friend (it's the entire basis of But in this twilight, our choices seal our fate, really). He and Touka develop a very beautiful friendship throughout the years. I also like to think he would've gotten along with Deidara very well. I know! I'm making connections with characters who could never interact but hear me out. Deidara INVENTED a DOJUTSU just to counter Sharingan genjutsu. I feel that's smth that'd get Tobirama's nerdy ass squealing in delight. I can see them spend hours discussing jutsus. Plus I feel Deidara is calm enough to not anger Tobirama nor awaken his Mother Instincts (like Naruto does). There is the little issue of Deidara being an anti government terrorist and Tobirama being, well, the government, but if that wrinkle is smoothed out, I think they'd have a blast together. Pun unintended

Thanks for the ask!!!

#tobirama senju

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rahleeyah · 10 months

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1.0 anon here. You encouraged me to keep checking in with my thoughts as I go.

Just started "Prodigy" (s3e13) and kinda swooned when Benson says "I speak a little Spanish and French. I can Mirandize in three others."

Love me a strong, brave, smart, skilled female lead character who's also got damage and baggage. YES. (Also love that they most likely gave Benson these language skills bc Mariska's got 'em. I hope we get to hear her use them eventually).

And unrelated, but in the previous episode (set in Dec 2001, aired Jan 2002) Cragen mentions "the attacks" in passing and it was kind of stunning that a show about NYPD cops let THAT be the so-far-only treatment of 9/11. I mean, The West Wing interrupted their whole episode flow to air a completely OOC script to allow their characters to process adjacent topics with a bunch of high school students, for a quasi public therapy process...

I know everyone had artistic decisions to make and it wouldn't have worked to make SVU swerve off track and become a terrorism show, but surely (1) SVU detectives would've at least known some of the cops who died in the towers, (2) even if they didn't they'd be traumatized and deeply saddened by all of it, (3) like just about everyone in NYC and the country at that point, they'd be talking and thinking about it??

Maybe this is just the difference between shooting and airing schedules and "the attacks" will have more visibility in coming episodes?

Oh I am very excited about this thank you lol

I find it interesting that while we do hear Liv speak a little Spanish in 1.0 we don't hear her speak Italian until 2.0, and Mariska was fluent in Italian the whole time, having spent time there growing up. But yes!!!! Love that they incorporated that into Olivia's character and I love too the insight it gives maybe not just into Olivia but into her mother; was Serena the one pushing Olivia to learn different languages? Did Serena want her to learn French and Italian, did Serena have books in those languages on the shelves at home, was it important to Serena that her dark haired little fae child be educated, be cultured, be sophisticated? Was Olivia ever enough of those things to make her mother happy?

Iirc the shows don't ever address a personal connection between our mains and 9/11 with the exception of the late reveal that Tucker worked the cleanup and got cancer from it. And personally, I'm kinda glad that they didn't, bc I don't think the show has the skill to handle that topic well. The national conversation about police, and religion, and war and the state, was so deeply, deeply toxic post 9/11 that I shudder to think what a police procedural might have done in that moment in time. Sorkin is a playwright and a man whose work has always had a sharply (white) liberal political bent, and he presented a one hour bottle episode homily that was moving, true, but also deeply informed by his personal beliefs. His audience wasn't lowest common denominator middle America; a lot of middle America hated tww. Some people resent the episode in question, think it's patronizing or over simplifying. L&O was supposed to be for Everyman. Gently teaching middle America about the concept of consent and shyly saying "maybe solitary confinement is bad actually", but even then doing it carefully. Presenting issues as conversations between characters who take up opposing sides, instead of preaching one view point (in 1.0; later when 💡 came on board the show became more preachy). At the time of the attacks SVU didn't have an especially political bent, and given how high tensions were, how emotionally raw the city of New York was, given that everyone involved in making the show lived in NYC (tww was filmed mostly in LA and DC) and how many layers there were to people's feelings.... that's a really delicate line to walk, and the ramifications of doing it badly would be a show killer. Sometimes no response is better than a bad response.

So while I'm interested in the idea of how Liv and Elliot felt as cops working in Manhattan during 9/11, I am glad we don't have Dick Wolf's personal take on it entered in the record, and can instead save this for personal musing, fic, meta and the like. There is a lot to unpack there.

#anonymous #e.o asks #s.vu

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a-dogpgh · 1 year

Text

Why I love Rainbow Billy: A personal review

CONTENT WARNING CONTENT WARNING CW: discussion of mental health and past trauma, as well as negative childhood experiences CONTENT WARNING CONTENT WARNING

I had a good conversation with my mom about past stuff and it went really well just the other day, which really warmed my heart and I think this game helped facilitiate it. A few days ago, I was in a really bad headspace, rejection sensitive dysphoria kinda overran my brain and I couldn't get through it. I made it to therapy, talked about how many things I felt were falling apart around me (besides stuff with people close to me the state of the world and the danger faced by trans and all queer youths frightens me), and I was talking about some past stuff that still weighed on me that I was guilty about, and my therapist told me that I it's okay to forgive myself for my mistakes and it hit like a tank as a concept, but I had no idea how to do it, and then the next day I played it game really hit so many feelings I had growing up: -feeling too anxious to talk to others and ending up staring and feeling creepy -guilt over familiar arguments like you were the cause -the idea that you have to be tough and strong, and that emotions and kindness are weakness -the fear of acknowledging and working through the past -feeling like a screwup and everyone else around you is perfect

these are all pretty common anxieties I assume, but I know some of them took a hold and haven't left me, so to have something "say hey that feeling that's still dragging you? was it ever something anyone ever even noticed?" and I was like "oh that fear about my appearance wasn't real" or if it was, it was only a few bullies and not something most people cared about or judged you for.

The game plays like Paper Mario meets undertale, you don't defeat monsters, you talk to them to find out what they're going through and give encouragement or support, and it reveals colors that the other characters you've befriended will give to them (it looks like an attack tho, but it's like a metaphor, I think)

And after you befriend them, there's additional information about them, so you find out why the dragon is trapped in the shell, or the porcupine is so tired all the time. It's just a really sweet and nice experience and I wanted to tell ya about it! :3

EDITED: Edited it since I wanted to add more context but it makes the first paragraph very long lmao, also I originally wrote it to other people and fixed some things at the beginning to match the tone for y'all. x3

#emotional healing help #rainbow billy the curse of the leviathan #game review #seriously this game fucking owns #trans rights #gay rights #protect queer youth

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sherlock-is-ace · 2 years

Text

hello, welcome to another depressing rant about my mental health and other problems ✌🏻 which thanks to tumblr stopping people (bots) from reblogging this, i can now write in a post and not in the tags

i've been reminded today of the 3(?) times in my life in which people have walked out on me for no discernible reason. And other many times in which my efforts to be a normal sociable person have been either ignored or actively rejected. Or how I've been used by people who tossed me aside the second they didn't need me anymore? And how all of that has made me the overly anxious, socially inept, and antisocial peron i am today...

i mean i should be going to therapy for this but i have no money so tumblr rants will have to do, but like I have two very clear memories of people who I'd consider my best friends, who suddenly stopped talking to me out of absolutely nowhere. I'm sure I have to have done something to them, cause it can happen twice for no reason right? So I guess my guilt issues also come from there, but like I am being 100% honest when I say I have no fucking clue what the fuck did I do.

Once was when I was around 6 or 7 so like, it might have just been kids stuff but it has stuck on me.. I came back to school after the summer, like I had done many times before and my "bestest friend" had suddenly joined the "cool girls group" and fully stopped talking to me, ignored me in the hall and all that kind of stuff. I never got any explanation for it, or when did she became friends with the "cool girls". I was so taken aback, but I moved on (well apparently i haven't lol)

The other was in my last year of highschool, my "best friend", overnight, stopped talking to me without any reason. I did talk to her, and I asked her, she never replied to me. And I don't mean over text or something, I asked her in person, to her face, and she walked away from me without saying a single word. I asked other friends we had in common if they knew what the fuck had happened, and nobody knew. We were like so close too! Like people thought we were dating kind of friendship (and I was presenting as a girl at the time). To this day I still haven't figured out what happened. It was literally over night, or over a weekend actually. I said goodbye to her on Friday, she didn't speak to me on Monday (till the end of the year, and then we graduated and never saw each other again).

The third time is my father walking out on the family, that's a normal and relatable one that I needn't explain lol

And then you have things like the one time where I didn't want to go to a school thing, like sports day? or something like that. The reason being, I'm fat, dysphoric, socially awkward, anxious, and I don't like to be ridiculed for being bad at sports. I wasn't going to go but a friend at the time insisted, she wanted me to go, she was threatening with getting angry if I didn't go, so I fucking went. On the day, teachers who knew I didn't wanna be there, said I could not participate on any of the games I didn't want to (so lovely of them, I think they noticed how fucking anxious I was). So, I avoided any games that caused me major anxiety or dysphoria, but I spent time with my friend who wanted me there, and tried to cheer everyone on. What did my firend said? "you're not paricipating in anything, why did you come then? you should have stayed at home."... oh! what a lovely idea you just had! if only i had occured to me! if only i hadn't been guilted into coming to a thing that made me miserable!!! :D

But anyways, turns out that I'm fucking cursed or something and that's the reason I don't talk to people or I guess put much effort into relationships anymore? And it sucks, but my brain is wired now to not really care because everytime I care I'm hurt, and/or disappointed and/or treated like shit without a reason. Or I guess without an explanation, I'm sure there is a reason... maybe I'm a horrible person to be around, maybe I'm super toxic and I don't even realize it?

And it's sort of a blessing and a curse, because yes, I can't hold a conversation for the life of me, I cry if I have to make or recieve a phonecall, I can't go to a shop and speak to the cashier like a normal person, I have panic attacks on busses... But also, I don't need people? Like I'm perfecly fine being alone in my home without talking to anyone? which made lockdown a piece of cake.

Once again, therapy is what I need, why do i type this online?! lol... anyways, sorry for the vent, it's easily ignored tho

#pls ignore <3 #angel talks #personal #long post

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thepinkproof · 2 years

Text

The Operator

Synopsis: there is nothing normal about Greenwood University. however, the school is your only option. it is even more fearful when the person everyone told you to stay away from, Jungkook , is the one who won’t leave you alone.

parings: yandere! inhuman jungkook x reader/ overprotective sibling taehyung x reader

chapter warnings: yandere behavior, very violent torture, inhuman behavior, death

word count: 3.2k

series masterlist

chapter 06: never again

Today was an exciting day for Storm's awaiting career. Her poster for therapy had gotten her one sign up. Her first appointment.

She had booked a small room in the college that was surprisingly free of charge.

Her appointment?

Kim Namjoon, a senior.

Storm organized her notepad and pen attempting to look professional. Her eyes looked up as Kim Namjoon entered the room.

He looked very intelligent, oh no. She hoped he didn't outsmart her.

"Hi." He said giving her a small lazy smile. He sat down in the seat in front of her.

"It's so nice to meet you, thank you for trusting me with this."

"Yeah, well actual therapists are expensive." He plainly stated.

"Yeah well trust me I don’t want any money from you."

"Great."

"So, what's been going on lately?"

"Look, i'm not looking for advice, I just need to rant." He groaned.

"Well, um go ahead." She awkwardly insisted.

"I fucking hate this college so much. I don't even know if I want to be a doctor anymore. I know I'm about to graduate but I can't stop thinking about how I was fucked over."

"What do you mean?" She questioned.

"I'm getting there." He rolled his eyes.

"As I was saying, my first year of college everything was normal. I was top in my class getting straight A's everything was perfect. Then, everything changes.

Suddenly, a bunch of people start joining this college. Then, this place turns into some purge school. You probably know about how the aboms came and ruined this school. But that’s besides the point.

This one kid Kim Taehyung you probably know him, he was a freshman and we were roommates. We were friends we had alot of common, we even have the same last name.

Then he start changing and he moved in that big house with his new friend Jungkook. He was always busy and never wanted to hang out.

One day, he threatened that if I didn't give him his work for the next class he'll kill me. I didn't take his threat seriously and he fucking stabbed me.

I didn't have time to change my work and the teacher turned me in for plagiarism. I had to spend another year at this shitty school.

The funny thing I'm not even mad at him. It's all Jungkook's fault he ruined this school and I can't get over it. Some of my closest friends turned.

After that, I get a call my mother is very sick. Being a doctorate major, i know she doesn't have long. It's so hard every day to show up here and work. It's like my brain can't even function. So yeah, that the beginning of some of my problems."

"Wait, how did Jungkook change the school."

From this conversation and the one with Ford, Storm came to the obvious conclusion that Jungkook and Taehyung was bad people.

She was shock to hear this about Taehyung, she didn't know Jungkook well and didn't expect much from him. Sure, Taehyung had his temper issues and got in a couple fights at school, but he never threatened to kill anyone.

Perhaps it was a good idea if she stayed away from him.

However, that was not the scary part. It was the way Namjoon's hand would tremble when he spoke Jungkook's name, the glistening of the forehead as sweat begin to form. The same thing happened with Elaine when she spoke about him.

Namjoon stared at her. "You really are a freshman. Jungkook is practically running this school and everyone."

She hoped that Jungkook was not a bad person, she enjoyed their conversations. Unfortunately, it was clear he wasn't. She would have to stay away from him too.

Namjoon and Storm’s conversation continued for about 20 minutes. They really learned alot about each other. At first, she thought he was very grumpy but after talking she understood why.

Namjoon was a victim who technically was at the wrong college at the wrong time.

"So what is your advice for me?" Namjoon asked tapping his finger on the table.

"I thought you didn't want advice." She chuckled.

"I'm just curious on what you have to say."

"I'll say you are a very strong person, Namjoon. One day, 5 years from now you will be a successful doctor and you won't even think about Taehyung or Jungkook. The truth is people like them, they don't know their ending. They live life in the moment and don't think about consequences. But you, you're a good person you think about others and have a big heart. Things will go well for you. They are not here at college for a future, they are here because they have no plan for a future." She explained.

She felt bad for speaking about Taehyung that way. It seemed her brother she grew up with and this “Taehyung” was completely different people.

"Eh, I guess you're right. You're not too bad for a freshman maybe this therapist thing would work out for you." Namjoon said giving her a small smile.

Her first appointment was a success.

———————-

"Oh look whose in my closet again!" Rosé grinned.

Rosé’s closet was huge, it had outfits of every single brand. Each item looked like it had only been worn once.

"Oh, you don't mind do you?" Storm asked slightly nervous at her reaction.

"Of course not, you need them more than I do. But where are you going that you have to look as good as me." Rosé questioned.

"My school is having a lockdown event so I'm going with a couple of friends." She answered looking through Rosé clothes.

"Friends, with an s. Wow, you're moving up. Is that Elaine girl going?"

"Nope, she's in rehab." She finally found a comfortable outfit when she saw cargo pants and a cropped tee.

"I'm feeling generous today, I'll give you a ride." Rosé offered.

"No, I can take the bus." She stated not wanting to be a bother.

"Nah, i'll drop you off. I'm sorry but taxis and buses are so gross, if you're going to stay at this fancy hotel you got to drive the part." Rosé informed.

"I mean that don't really matter to me but if you insist."

———————-

A group of kids sat under the abandoned bleachers during the school lockdown night. The air was consumed of cigar smell.

"Today's going to be fire!" Abby said before taking a breath out of her cigar.

"Yeah guys its going to be epic, who we gonna target this year." Andre questioned.

They all looked to their unassigned leader.

Sana was the most mischievous abom of Greenwood University. She was a junior, like Jungkook. She was always involved in stealing, fights that would leave her victims in hospitals, and allegedly murder.

She wasn't always like this. Her first year of college she was named a Pukka, that is until she fell in love with Jungkook. Jungkook never really paid attention to Pukkas and she knew this. Her best way to get his attention was by doing the worst of crimes.

She did get Jungkook's attention, sometimes threats and sometimes jobs for him.

Every year, she used the lockdown event to do her dirtiest offense to get his attention. Oh, she loved when he would hurt or intimidate her.

Who would be her victim this year?

"Last year we targeted an abom but this year it should definitely be a Pukka." Abby suggested.

"Try that Ford guy." Andre proposed.

"No, Jungkook would be mad at us. Everyone knows Ford is off limits." Sana explained walking back and forth.

"I saw some girl hanging with Ford."

"You mean his girlfriend Sofía?" Abby questioned.

"No, Sofía was there but it was also another girl. She's like mixed and kind of short."

"Well, that could be literally anyone." Sana said rolling her eyes.

"Damn, what's her name its like Rain or Thunder or something." Andre said thinking to himself.

"Oh, you mean Storm? She came to that party with Elaine." Abby explained.

"Yeah, her! She look like she super into that Pukka shit. She's cute we should definitely target her."

"You think we should target a girl because she's cute." Abby scoffed. "Besides I saw her laying on Jungkook one day in class, i don't think we should be bothering her." She continued.

"Wait what!" Sana said stopping her pacing.

"Yeah, i don't know how close they are but-"

"There is no close. Jungkook gets close with no girl." Sana said interrupting her.

"True, I never seen him talk to any pukka girl but i'm just putting the facts out there! Don't shoot the messenger."

"No Abby, thank you. Tonight if she comes we're using her." Sana said taking out her favorite knife she always hide in her shoe.

"So what are we doing, are we going to like humiliate her or beat her up." Andre asked.

"No, we're going to kill her."

—————

"Hey Storm!" Hobi greeted as she walked into the classroom full of people playing games.

"Ah! You made it!" Sofía exclaimed giving her a hug. Storm then greeted Ford who was cozied up with Sofía.

"We're playing uno, you down." Ford asked.

"Of course, i'm the goat at uno." Storm bragged.

"Oh puta you wish! I just won the last few games, good luck trying." Sofía teased.

After 5 games of uno Storm and Sofía was tied in wins. They all have been sipping a little bit of beer. Storm was having so much fun, more fun she had in years. Perhaps it was the small amount of alcohol or maybe the joy of being around friends.

"Fuckkk." Storm groaned. "I gotta pee!"

"You sure you're not trying to pull out those 3 uno cards you got stuck up your ass." Hobi teased making her playfully push him.

"Hurry back so i can beat you again!" Sofía scolded.

"Alright, alright."

Storm made her way to the closest bathroom. After peeing, she began to wash her hands. She heard the bathroom stall door open and glanced up seeing a girl.

"You're enjoying the event?" The girl asked.

"Yeah."

"You're so cute are you a freshman?"

"Yeah this my first year. I love it here so much." She tipsily giggled.

"I'm Sana." The girl smiled.

"Storm." she responded making Sana grin.

"Hey, can you hand me a paper towel Storm."

"Sure." Storm reached over to grabbed her a paper towel. Sana used this opportunity to shove her head into the mirror.

Storm groaned in pin before stumbling back and passing out cold on the floor.

"Oh you're just too easy."

———————-

Jimin tirelessly walked his way into the living room where his "wife" was watching reality shows while eating snacks.

"Rosé, can you call Storm up for we can order some dinner?" He groaned.

"Storm isn't here, Jimin." She carelessly answered too distracted by the television.

"Where is she then?"

"Some college event." Rosé explained. She paused before turning down the television. "Jimin, let me ask you something."

"Shoot." He replied sitting on the recliner.

"Where are Storm's parents, like I don't mind but why is she staying at our hotel?"

"She's a college student Rosé. Her parents are probably miles away."

"You know you are a terrible liar Jimin." Rosé sneered rolling her eyes.

"Oh fine! She's a foster child who got kicked out of her roommates house. Is that enough for you?"

Rosé eyes lit up in excitement. "Foster? I knew it. Jimin, you know what this means right? You know i smelt it on her."

"This why I didn't want to tell you. Don't be delusional Rosé. Storm is not the person you're looking for, and she smells human. Besides, she met her biological mom a few years ago and she died."

"Do you have a picture of her mom?"

"Please! Do you hear yourself? What do you want me to ask? "Hey Storm, do you have a picture of your dead mother, i'm just wondering because my friend thinks shes a-"

"Ugh, fine I get it! Stop the teasing." Rosé ordered. "But look, she left her phone in my car maybe we can look into it just to be sure."

"Rosé stop this now. She's an innocent girl respect her privacy. You need to get over your search, it's been years." Jimin lectured.

"Whatever, i'll go to the school and give it back."

——————

Storm woke up with a massive headache and a light in her eyes.

"Aw, look at her." Andre gushed.

"Did you have a nice sleep?" Abby teased making the room laugh.

Storm suddenly looked around her surroundings and saw Sana’s face. She jumped up in fear but the pain in her head cause her to lay back down.

"What is this Sana?" she snarled.

"Today is a historic day, Storm. And, you will play an important part in it.”

"What are you even talking about?"

"I will make you famous today, well atleast for a few weeks. Everytime someone dies they get famous for a couple weeks and everybody claims they knew them, when they actually don't."

"Huh, you're going to kill me? For what? Girl I don't even know you. Are you like roleplaying?" Storm theorized.

"Oh you wish." Abby laughed.

"We're going to kill you Storm, and it won't be pleasant either."

"I mean why would it be pleasant, its death." Andre snickered making Abby laugh.

Sana stomped in annoyance before stabbing Andre in the leg. "Was that pleasant, Andre?"

Andre yelled in pain. Sana’s outburst caused Abby and Storm to scream in shock.

"You're crazy." Storm yelped.

"Yes, and that is just a preview of what you're getting Storm."

"I do free therapy sessions, you clearly need it." She murmured. Perhaps, it was the alcohol speaking, or the huge blow to her head, but she felt no need play the role of victim. Sure,she finds Sana scary, but she wasn't scared of this situation.

"I'm tired of the bitch! Roll her over!" Sana demanded resulting in a frightening Abby rolling her over on her stomach. Andre just sat there and watched her.

Storm struggled against Abby's hold. "Andre go tie her up or something!" Abby shouted.

"If you haven't noticed I've been STABBED IN THE LEG!" He complained. Sana scoffed before banging Storm's head against the floor again causing her to groan and stop struggling.

Sana used her bloody knife to cut open the back of Storm's shirt, revealing her half naked back.

She heard the sound of metal as Sana pulled out another knife. Storm couldn't even turn her head to look because she was in so much pain. But Abby and Andre saw the small, sharp pointy knife.

"My carving knife!" Sana giggled. She began to slowly drag the knife against her skin. "Sorry, I'm a slow writer."

——————

Storm laid there emotionless as the three of them took pictures of her carved back. Words and sight started to dim as she lost blood. She knew she was dying.

It was a slow death that made her think about her life instead of paying attention to her assailants. She thought about Taehyung first, despite having a rocky relationship she knew he would be devastated. She wished she had stop being a bad sister and just accept his apology.

Then she thought about Sofia, Hobi and Ford. Have they noticed she was gone for so long? Even though Sana had taken her to an old classroom she would think they would look for her. Perhaps they did not care. Or maybe she should stop looking for hope.

Her hope started to deteriorate when she thought of her mom. Is this how her mom felt when she died in that car crash?

Her happiest moment of her life is when she finally found her biological mom.

Her worst day was when she found out her nightmare was true, she was dead.

Maybe now she would get to know her now.

That was her last thought before her eyes closed.

————

Jungkook was fueled with anger and adrenaline. When those two mixed for him, it was never good for anyone.

15 minutes ago he received a text from Ford. Ford had informed Jungkook that Storm went to the bathroom. After 10 minutes,Sofía went to go check on her and she was not there. They thought something bad had happen to her, since the previous years an Abom always committed bad deeds.

Ford was not oblivious. He knew Jungkook had some type of weird interest for Storm. It is why he texted Jungkook instead of Taehyung. What Ford didn't tell his girlfriend is that he knew if he called Jungkook and his suspicions was true, then a person or people are going to die tonight.

Because when he was angry nobody could stop his wrath.

When he received that text, Jungkook peculiarly arrived in one minute. He inhumanly speeded through all the classrooms so fast that nobody even noticed.

After no avail, he decided to find another alternative.

His eyes turned purple as black veins appear under his eyes. He closes his eyes and focused. He could hear every voice in the building. Listening closely he tried to find a familiar ones.

"Is she even still alive? We should hide the body quick before morning time." A voice Jungkook didn't recognize said.

"I don't think we tortured little Storm enough." Sana laughed.

The veins under his eyes got darker as he heard their words.

He tried to calm his nerves as he texted Ford telling him to meet him in a room. He speedily ran to it.

He strongly pushed down the door gaining the attention of the room.

Andre and Abby screamed in fear but Sana smiled.

"Jungkookie. You want to join us babe?”

He said no words and lifted his hand making the bloody knife in Sana’s hand go through Abby's heart. Abby screamed in fell to the ground. Andre let out a sob as he tried to run.

The door was being blocked by Ford who looked in anguish at Storm's lifeless body.

"Let me go! Brother to brother! You know this shit wasn't my idea." Andre pleaded.

Ford looked at him with teary eyes. "I can't help you man."

"Ford, take my love away from here and take her to a hospital quickly!" Jungkook ordered making Ford run and pick up her dying body.

Andre tried to use this opportunity to leave but Jungkook held his hand out making Andre body frozen in place.

"Your love? Jungkook! Don't tell me you like this girl."

Jungkook ignored her words, his mind was racing with dark thoughts as his veins were laced with power.

"How could you? I've done so much for you Jungkook! Does she even know Korean? Gosh!." Sana screamed.

Jungkook growled and telepathically slammed her into the wall.

"I don't mind a little punishment." She purred.

"Your friend Abby had an easy death. Your friend Andre might have one if I can control my anger. But you Sana, I will give you the worst possible death in existence."

"Y- You're going to kill me? But Jungkook! We love each other. Don't tell me you're killing me over a Pukka? Jungkookie think about this."

Jungkook pupils turn purple again as he looked at Sana in the eyes. "What's your biggest fear Sana?"

"Needles! I hate needles so much. " She brainwashingly admitted. Sana groaned as she realized what she said.

Someone tried to take the love of his life away from him today.

Never again.

chapter 07

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olderthannetfic · 4 years

Note

What do you think about the write-in campaign to AO3 re: racism and structural changes needed? Why wasn't the block function built into the archive from the start? Why are the archive warnings those specific four and not slavery or bigotry?

The best take I’ve seen is this twitter thread: https://twitter.com/rahaeli/status/1273627467505373185

I don’t know why a block function wasn’t there from the first. I assume it’s because it’s harder to code and not absolutely necessary for an archive to function. AO3 has always been a bit of a shaky volunteer effort.

We picked the archive warnings from things that were common on older fic archives. Which, yes, reflects what fandom cared about at the time and is not neutral. (And when I say “we”, I do mean me specifically. I can’t remember how much my committee chose those and how much the Board and others drove the exact selection, but I did a lot of the research into older archives at the time. Including something about racism straight up never occurred to me in 2008.)

All of the main warnings are things that occur constantly in fic and that people can easily evaluate their own work for and that an Abuse team made of a few volunteers with no specific training/cultural knowledge can easily enforce.

The list is largely based on what’s practical to enforce.

Back when I was last involved (which was 2014, to be fair), OTW was very bad about work/life balance. A lot of volunteers were working far too many hours with far too little training. The Abuse team had like 3 active members early on in AO3′s history (though I’m sure it’s much larger now, but it’s probably still really fucking small for a site the size of AO3).

In order to institute major changes to how racist stuff is tagged, AO3 would need to do something about the problems of:

1. How do you get someone to make a fair and consistent ruling on what counts as racist without asking a bunch of POC to look at traumatic shit for hours without pay, counseling, or any real reward?

If you want to see how this shit goes wrong, just look up the horror stories about Facebook moderators. Textual fic is probably going to be less bad for most people, but it’s still going to add up.

The responsible way to handle this on most websites is to pay people and to limit the number of hours they have to spend on it. Including free therapy as part of the job is sensible. All of this requires money and a robust company structure that can take care of employees in general.

2. What about revenge reporting?

What happens when people start reporting all the “nasty” fic about characters of color? What about when it’s by an author who’s a person of color? What if that person doesn’t want to disclose their identity?

If the top-level warning is for “depictions of bigotry” or “slavery”, this is less important because those are a bit more concrete. OTOH, those two concrete topics are already heavily tagged for. A top-level warning would be a political statement from OTW about race topics being as important as sex ones. If OTW wants to do that for PR, I think that’s fine. It may make some fans feel more listened to, which is a positive thing. But this warning won’t otherwise help fans or protect people from unconsciously racist fic, which is a big part of what people are bothered by.

If the top-level warning is for “racism”, and we can report each other’s fic for unintentional racism... Oh boy...

The first thing that will happen is people going after all of the kinkfic they don’t like and a flood of overt, intentional racists using this to troll any fans of color they can find.

(Anyone who thinks this is an “excuse” needs to take a hard look at the number of people who package complaints about AO3 and racism with complaints that underage fic is on there at all and another hard look at 4chan trolling Tumblr. The radfem anti-porn crusade is alive and well in fandom, and any weapon is going to get used on the less privileged. It’s not an insurmountable problem, but it exists and we have to figure out how to deal with it in order to have a workable AO3 policy. Any proposal that does not include the possibility of fans of color who like “gross” kinkfic and just want to be left alone is not a policy that belongs on AO3.)

Any proposal for a top-level racism tag needs to have some plan for how to deal with these issues. I’m with Denise that OTW fixing how many hours people work without pay and other internal structural issues is what’s actually needed right now. Among other things, that would expand the pool of people who could afford to volunteer and get into positions of power.

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hollanderfangirl · 4 years

Text

Let me go |Harry Holland|

Pairing: Harry Holland x Therapist! Reader

A/N: so I'm not a therapist and I've never been to therapy, well if you don't consider the sessions with my psychology teacher. All of what I've written comes from what I've learnt in psychology class, reading books and listening to other people's experiences.

Warnings: talk about death, panic attack and it's just really sad

Word count: 3.3k, this is my longest fic yet :)

(Sorry for the shitty moodboard I just had to post this fic or I would have lost my mind)

Harry Holland walked through the halls of the clinic, not really sure why he was here. Well he knew why he had come to see a therapist but he wondered how he put himself in this situation. He had been locking himself inside a glass cave built out of hopelessness for months, his friends and family were greatly concerned about him but he refused to take any help. He had always been stubborn, he never asked for anybody's help. He hated the look of pity on people's faces. He hated people showing him sympathy. He was more than this. He didn't need anybody. He can pull himself together, he just needed time.

But it wasn't helping. Burying your feelings in has never helped anybody. Putting on a smile everyday in front of people and crying himself to sleep, Harry found it more and more difficult. His mum had sensed it and told him to go and see a doctor. He had resisted it at first.

"Please do it for me, Harry. I cannot see you like this, at least for my satisfaction," Nikki had said. "Just go for a trial session and if you like it then you can continue," but of course he wasn't going to continue.

Now as he stood in front of the receptionist, he was reconsidering his decision.

"Yes, do you have an appointment, sir?"

"Huh?" he seemed lost. "Yeah..yeah"

"Just wait here, I'll inform Dr Y/l/n"

"Your know what, cancel the appointment. I- I don't need help"

"Oh but this is just a trial, Mr Holland"

"Yeah but I don't-" the receptionist was already at the door, muttering something to the woman inside.

You step outside to see a curly headed man, he looked pleasant but his eyes looked sad. Those were the eyes of a person who had seen immense grief, someone who had been miserable for a long long time.

"I'm sorry but I don't need therapy… I didn't realise this before, I -I shouldn't have come here"

"Oh Mr Holland, this is just a trial right? Let's just have some coffee. This isn't therapy yet" you smile at him.

"No I really-"

"Okay then, give me half an hour. If you still feel the same way, then you can leave. Half an hour is all I want from you, Mr Holland"

"Alright"

You lead him into your chamber, closing the door behind you. He sits down on a couch across from you, your desk separating you both. The first step of therapy- resistance. People always resist therapy at first, they feel like they don't need the help or maybe seeking help makes them weak. They don't feel like opening up to a complete stranger. How can they? How can they open up their most vulnerable state to a person who they barely know? But slowly and steadily, a rapport is made. A therapist has to be very careful and empathetic. They have to be trusting. Someone who people can turn to. Someone who they can relate to. Someone who understands them. Someone who would just listen.

"So, your mother sent you here. Right, Mr Holland?"

"Just- just call me Harry"

"Okay then Harry, tell me"

"What do you want me to tell you?"

"Everything. Start from the beginning"

"Well I- do you… do you really think I would-" he hesitates. "Who do you think you are? Why do you think I should pay you to listen to my goddamn life story here?"

"You're not here to tell me your life story," you say politely. "I'm here to help you and I can do that only if you would let me"

"Well guess what? You cannot help me, I knew I was wasting my time," he gets up and starts to walk away.

"I asked for half an hour of your time, Harry"

"Well I don't fucking care"

"Harry, please listen to me. All I ask is half an hour"

Little did he know, this half an hour was going to change his life.

Something about your tone made him stay. He sat back down on the couch, turning away from you.

"Okay, so if you're not going to talk, I will," you sigh. "So, you have suffered a great loss, someone you loved dearly?"

"Yes," he still didn't look you in the eye.

"Who was it?"

"My…my friend. Girlfriend"

"And when did this happen?"

"A year ago"

"How have you been holding up?"

He thought of giving another vague answer. How the fuck do you think I'm holding up? I'm fucking dying every single day.

"Uh- it's been a little better, I guess. It's not as bad as it used to be"

"Well that's a start. And do you still think about her?"

Every goddamn minute, lady. What do you want from me? "Yeah sometimes"

"And how have you been sleeping?"

I can't sleep. I haven't slept properly for months. If I sleep I see her coming back to me. "Alright I guess"

This wasn't going anywhere. You thought of recommending him another doctor but something about him charmed you. He was a man who should have been living a great life but his grief was tearing him apart. You had to help him. You felt a strong connection to him, you felt determined. No, I have to help him. I just have to.

"Harry, do you feel like you're responsible for your girlfriend's death?" it was a straightforward question, you had been trying to get something out of him but he wasn't ready to.

He looked at you dead in the eye, yet could not get any words out. You could sense the anger building up inside him but it wasn't projected at you, he was angry with himself.

"I….. " he took a few deep breaths, clenching his hands into fists. "Yes"

"Why is that so?"

"Fucking hell! Are you for real? She died, okay? And I wasn't there… I wasn't there.. " he was tearing up. "I should have been the one to die! Not her! Not anybody! Everyone just leaves me in the end!" he was full on shouting, letting out everything he had been holding inside himself for a whole year. He had tears in his eyes.

You handed him a box of tissues and he was gasping for breath. When he had calmed down, you both sat in silence for a few minutes.

"You know, Harry, my friend died the day we had a fight. She was my best friend. I knew her ever since we were three. It was a silly argument. We should not have fought about it. But we did and I told her I wished she would just go away… and then she did" it was painful for you to remember this, but time does heal everything.

"I'm sorry," his voice was low. "And I'm sorry for all those things I said"

"No it's alright, that's what you're here for. And besides, it's nothing compared to your loss, Harry"

"No. It- it's not a competition. Suffering is not a competition. It must've been really hard for you, Dr y/l/n," this was the first time he had addressed you.

"Call me y/n," you smile at him. "And yeah that's very true. We often blame ourselves, you know, it's very common. We cannot be angry at them so we get angry with ourselves. Even though we know deep in our hearts that there was nothing we could have done"

There was a long silence.

"She went out for a drive, that bastard drunk driver," he spoke up. "And I was just resting. She asked me so many times to join her but I wanted to sleep"

You nod at him and he continued. "That's…the reason I'm not able to sleep. Every night I close my eyes, I think I'll wake up to that phone call"

"Well yes I don't blame you, our brains sometimes don't process things that come as a shock. And then it just keeps on haunting us forever. Do you believe in life after death, Harry?"

"Well I don't know what to believe"

"Have you- felt her? After she was gone?"

"You'll think I'm crazy"

"I'm a therapist, it'll take you much more than that to convince me you're crazy"

"I sometimes talk to her. Like what would she think about this particular situation. Or just that I miss her so much. I don't get any responses but I just try to think like her?"

"Yeah, that's quite normal actually. People think they need to 'get over' someone's death. But that's not true. You can never really get over something like death"

"And what does getting over even mean? Like you just forget them? Moving on with your life just means that you think they were never a part of it"

"Well you're both right and wrong. Yes we must remember our loved ones who are not with us anymore but at the same time, we have to let them go"

"How? It's too painful"

"I know. But do you believe in the concept of souls, Harry?"

"Yeah I mean," he shrugs.

"The soul is considered to be immortal. And groups of souls tend to travel together. Even if you don't know it, some way, somehow, they're always with us"

He says nothing but his eyes looked softer now.

"And just think about it, think of her seeing you like this. Do you think she could have handled you being so miserable?"

"She would have been heartbroken"

"Exactly. So do it for her, for yourself. For both of you to feel peace again"

"Yeah"

You look at your watch. Half an hour was up.

"So, Harry. Your half an hour is up. Is there anything else?"

"Yes, um we can talk about it in our next session?"

You smile at him. "Of course"

----------------

After that one half an hour session, Harry was a changed man. He was still mourning, he was still miserable but he had hope. For the first time in a long time, he thought he could actually go on with his life, he could finally feel peace.

The week went by smoothly. Harry tried to make himself busy, by surrounding himself with people and always working. He was still getting nightmares but he was determined to sleep. He was sleeping light, afraid of what deep sleep might show him.

Meanwhile your life was exactly the same, you went on with your day treating people, talking, helping them. You loved your job, you loved the sense of satisfaction you got after patients they told you they were finally better. Every person was a challenge, and you knew there was a gem hidden inside every one of them. All of them had immense potential but life hadn't been kind to them. You felt disturbed and it broke your heart to see people hurting. And you would do anything to make it better for them. To help them.

You couldn’t keep Harry out of your mind. You were thinking about him all day long, awaiting your next session with him. What if he cancels? What can I do if he does? Why am I thinking about him? He had this air around him, a magnetic pull, which was pulling your closer and closer towards him. And why is he so damn attractive? No I should not think about him that way. It was the first and foremost rule of your profession. Never get emotionally attached with your clients. It was a professional relationship and must remain that way.

When he came into your office the following week, you could sense the change in him. You felt proud that a single session made such a difference. There was no arrogance in him, he didn’t seem angry anymore. He was calm and better.

“So, Harry. How was your week?”

“It was good, I’ve been shooting my new short film and it’s coming out to be okay so far”

“Alright and how have you been sleeping?”

“Not that good to be honest. I still get dreams, uh bad dreams”

“What do you see in these dreams?”

“I see the accident scene….again and again, it’s the same dream. Sometimes I see her, she talks to me and all that”

“Hmm and have you talked to your family? Your friends?”

“Yeah I talked to my mum…and my brother”

“What did they say?”

“They said they are here for me and will always love me”

“Yes and I don’t doubt that, Harry. You have a lot of people in your life who love and support you. Embrace that”

The session went by smoothly, he opened up to you about his life, everything about the girl he loved so much. About his family, his career. You found yourself staring at him, taking glances at his hands which he constantly moved while he talked. You noticed he was shaking his leg the whole time. Stop staring, y/n.

Wow she’s so beautiful. And thoughtful. And funny and understanding. What am I doing? She’s my therapist….but…why couldn’t I have met her before? Why didn’t I meet her when I was normal? Would things have been different? But then again, I would have never met her if I was normal.

Things seemed to get better, as the weeks progressed, Harry was becoming more and more like his old self again. But there was a feeling of regret, he thought this was wrong as if he were forgetting her. But you were there to guide him, to tell him that this is what life is. It never stops. No matter what happens, you will heal. Someday, sometime. And each day we progress towards it.

And then it happened. The call came at 1 am in the morning. You were sleeping and you were tired, you had been working all day and just needed some rest. You wouldn't have picked the call up but something told you it was important. That you should pick it up.

“Hello?” you yawn.

You just hear muffled breathing for a few seconds.

“Hello? Who is it?”

“It…it’s me…Harry”

“Harry, what’s wrong?” you thought what could have happened at this time of the night.

“I just- can you-” he sounded like he was choking.

“Harry what’s wrong, you’re scaring me”

“I… can’t… breathe,” you hear him sobbing. ”I had… that… dream, I feel like I’m…going to…die”

“Harry, listen to me. You will be okay. Yeah? Just take deep breaths and sit tight. I’m coming to you”

You search through his file to look for his address. When you find it, you rush through the front door and drive to his house. You were on the phone with him the whole drive.

“Just keep breathing, Harry. Deep breaths, okay?”

To your surprise, the front door was unlocked. It looked like he had gone out into the street in the middle of the night. You search through rooms to find him, and you see him curled into a ball at the corner of a king size bed. You touch his shoulder and he flinches.

“Hey, hey it’s just me. It’s alright”

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t know who else to call,” he was crying, with the tears streaming down his cheeks, his eyes looked small and they looked red from the lack of sleep and of tears.

“It’s alright, Harry. Just come here, it’ll be alright,” you pull him towards yourself him and he buries his face into your chest and you held him, stroking his hair and telling him it will be alright.

“That’s it. Let it out, Harry. It’s okay to cry”

You both stayed like that for another 15 minutes. He couldn’t stop crying and you knew he needed that. He had been holding everything in for so long and it just came out like an explosion tonight. You wiped his tears and made him meditate for a few minutes.

He fell asleep and you stayed up all night, looking at him. He looked so innocent while he slept, and cute too, you thought hiding a blush, even though nobody was there to look at you.

That night, Harry finally felt at peace. He was finally able to sleep. He had no nightmares, just a peaceful dream. He saw his girlfriend, running away from him in a white dress with her hair flowing in the wind.

Please don’t leave me, darling. I love you.

I know you do Harry, but you must let me go. I will always be with you. I will always love you. It is time you start caring about yourself, you must let me go. It is time.

No! don’t leave me!

And he woke up. Something about this dream told him that she was right. It was time. He was finally ready to let her go. For both of their sakes.

He went down to find you sleeping on the couch. He was hesitant at his thoughts but deep down he knew he was falling for you. Am I just using her to cope with my loss? Or do I really love her?

You opened your eyes, looking at Harry sitting on the ground, pushing a strand of hair away from your face.

“Good morning, how did you sleep?”

“Better. Really really better. I- I don’t know how to thank you, y/n and I’m so sorry”

“Hey it’s alright, and I’m glad I could help,” you smile. “I should go now, I have to get to work”

“Let me make breakfast and let me drive you to your house”

“Oh no it’s okay I can-”

“I owe this much to you, y/n. Let me”

“Okay”

-----------------

It wasn’t until another week when Harry had his next session. You had been thinking about him all the time, you were confused, it wasn’t supposed to go this way. But he….who am I kidding I’m in love with him.

When he walked through the door on a Thursday morning next week, he looked healthy and happier than ever. You felt a sense of happiness yourself, therapy is always beneficial to both the patient and the therapist. Every person is a deep universe, their thoughts, experiences, pain, joy, everything. Empathising with clients is a great learning experience, it becomes a part your personality. It becomes a part of you.

“Hey y/n”

“Hi Harry”

“So my week as been as it’s always and I’ve been feeling a lot better ever since that day…and that dream” he had told you about the dream he had the night you watched him sleep. He seemed to completely change after that, he let go of the intense emotions he had been carrying around.

“That’s very good and you’ve made a lot of progress since our first meeting”

“Yeah…I have”

The session went on as usual, he talked about everything that happened, he started fighting with his brothers again, which he hadn’t done in a long time and even though they were pissed off at him, they were happy to have him back.

“Um Harry,” you say at the end of the session. “I think-” you try to choose your words correctly. “I think it’s about time you start seeing another therapist, yeah?”

You see his face drop. “wh-why? I’m doing so much better, is..is it because of that night? I’m so sorry y/n”

“No it’s not that. You and I both know what’s happening between us, it’s wrong for a therapist to get emotionally attached with her patient. I’m sorry, Harry”

“So you’re saying that you’re becoming emotionally attached with me?”

“I..I’m-“

“It’s alright. I understand y/n”

“Yes, thank you. This has been great”

“So… now that you’re not my therapist, can I meet you for coffee this evening?”

“Harry-“

“Half an hour, Dr y/l/n. Just give me half an hour of your time, if you still feel the same way, I’ll never bother you again”

“Uh-" you hesitate. You knew you should have said no. You were going to say no. Yet the words which came out of your mouth were “Okay then, it’s a date”

--------------

Taglist:

@mischiefmanaged011 @notsosmexy @perspectiveparker @justanothermarvelmaniac @amorhollands @thisetaernallove @halfblood-princess-505 @spidey-reids-2003 @peterspideysstuff @musicalkeys @theliterarymess @ilarbu @hollands-weasley @tombob2005 @tommysparker @god-knows-what-am-i-doing @parkerpeter24 @more-like-reyna @hollandbroz-n-haz @aqiise

#harry holland #harry holland x reader #harry holland imagine #harry holland angst #harry+holland+x+y/n #harry holland x therapist! reader #harry holland fluff #harry holland fic #harry holland one shot #therapist! reader

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