#too terrified to go i dont want to know anymore
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oh my God?? theres actually medicine and shit you can do what the fuck no one told me this
#i never got the cloth on heads anytime i overheated when sick i didnt know if i should put more layers or less or what lol#damn#my parents weren't bad parents but they really just left me to fend for myself from the age of like five lol#they would have mocked me so bad if i asked what to do when sick lol dont know where they expected me to learn it#at least theyre teaching my brothers stuff they know more then i do as a grown adult 😭#anyways#the advice about cooking lol i dont cook perfectly healthy i live off of fruits#healthy enough#hm#i should get spicy things im convinced they cure sicknesses#wow look at tumblr nitpicking not aloud to use hm twice#anyways does anyone actually go to the doctors when sick#i dont go for anything it is a last resort to me#i dont want them to laugh at me 💔#and literally the two times ive gone for a small thing ended up being two chronic conditions i needed loads more for#i have something wrong w my hands#too terrified to go i dont want to know anymore
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im actually really worried that im not that interested in &j anymore like ivd been having a hard time writing about it and talking about it online and i mean i talk about it a lot irl but idk like people have been knowing more than me and im starting to feel so incredibly inferior that it's hard for me to enjoy it
#im in this group chaf and im the only one there that doesnt live in new york snf doesnt know any og them irl and theyall know more and see#it a lot and know about the swing order and i dont and ive been feeling so bad about it and it's been so hard for me and then i have friends#that are clearlv better at fandom in general than me so theyre better at characterisation so if i get criticisrd i just feel Terrible and i#havent properly wtitten in ages caude ive been so worried about my characterisation cause a friend very gently criticised me on my character#isation like 2 months ago and i really look up to this person so now i just cant Do anything#and also the thing that they eere pointing out wad more anothrr friend's thing that i didn't even Like much but if someone talks enough i#can be persuaded to anything and also because im just terrified do i#'ll go along with literally anything just because i dont want poeple to hate me#and it's ruining my enjoyment and i mean i made an au and i was hoping that that would make it so that i could maybe write again but nobody#carrd so now i judt cant#i feel so broken right now#also people that were meant to be &j friends are now friend friends and i mean thats Fine#but i cant! handle it!!!#i cant talk about other things unless it's My other things#and i especially cant talk about five nights at freddy's because i used to be hyperfixated on that so now that im.not i just cant! talk abou#t it! or hear about it!!!#not to mention that that game fucking destroyed my life when i was 9 because everyone liked it but i didn't know what it eas anf they wouldn#t explain so now i judt CANT hear about it!!!!!!#i cant do it i cant. do this#i miss when it brought me so much joy but now i hate talking about it online and i cant do it anymore#i can't pretend to care i can't keep being an &j blog even though i do love it!!!! but i feel so insecure and inferior that i just cant!!!!!#i hate this so mcuh im sorry i needrd to get this out#i dont have anything interesting to say anymore and i mean there's also just like. the whole being autistic thing and not wanting peopel to#judge me for my interests which they have my whole life and now it's too much and i cant care this much anymore. i just can't#i dont have anything to contribute either i cant draw and i can't write anymore and i just dont know what to do#sorry
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Honestly, every single time the whole 'poppy playtime is a bendy rip-off' stuff ever shows up I find it all extremely unconvincing and silly.
For one thing, rip-off usually is meant to imply that it's a cheap lazy copy of a better more polished thing, and uh. Sorry but even from chapter 1? Poppy Playtime is a better game than Bendy, it has a simple but understandable story, the game manages to be thrilling, creepy, and very intense at times... I mean that Huggy chase in the vents ALONE puts it way above Batim for me.
I mean BATDR had the most slow stupid chase I've ever seen [and every other encounter with the ink demon is text telling u he's there and then a timer goes down and u get jumpscared] and batim's chases were either silly or just not nearly as theatric or terrifying as that.
When making the vent sequence I mean not only is it absolutely horrifying to realize how fast Huggy is in there but also it's so theatric and cool? The fact that you round a corner after thinking you escaped only to see a terrifying animation of that thing crawling toward you is awesome! I wish Bendy had stuff like that!
And all the stuff it shares with Bendy are generic things Bendy ripped from other horror games/media anyways. I'm not saying Poppy Playtime isn't inspired by Bendy I for sure think it is but Bendy is such a generic story that somehow fails to do tropes 100 other horror games have done any comparison only makes Poppy Playtime look better.
"It has employees being sacrificed for their company" That is not a concept Bendy invented, literally look at any of the sci-fi horror series Bendy is very inspired by. This is literally a twist in the original Alien.
"It has a scary woman forcing you to do tasks for her" Once again, not a concept Bendy invented, a scary mysterious person forcing you to do fetch-quests is a concept found in tons of horror media. And at least Poppy Playtime gave you a chase with her and let you defeat her, look at poor malice. She's barely on screen for more than 10 minutes before she gets stabbed.
"It has a cult worshipping the monster" This is something tons of horror games and media have done too. I mean In The Tall Grass has a guy who worships a giant magical rock in the middle of a grass maze, Bioshock [which Bendy has only been taking more and more direct inspiration from while failing to grab any of the compelling parts] also had a lot of themes of religion and cult-ish behavior, almost every horror media franchise has at one point done a cult thing.
Bendy couldn't even come up with a reason Sammy worships the ink demon, the best motivation we've ever gotten is just that 'he's crazzyyyy the ink made him insaneeee'. Who is the cheap rip-off here?
At least Poppy Playtime gave their cultist a motive for worshipping the monster + a proper boss fight that feels intense and looks awesome! Bendy didn't even let you kill Malice [she got stabbed in front of you and then just collapsed on the floor how thrilling] meanwhile you get to kill three of the villains in Poppy Playtime and the gameplay and action in those scenes have only gotten better as the game went on.
I mean Sammy walks into a room and goes "AAA SCARY I'M BEING MURDERED" then later shows up and for NO REASON sees a normal human man and assumes it's the ink demon before once again someone else kills him for you. In Poppy Playtime you defeat Catnap as he floods the world with this horrible nightmare-inducing gas that intensifies the color palette and his design. Fight off versions of him that are illusions that you need your flare gun for, then watch in a wonderful animation as he mistakes the monster for his savior before getting killed by it, in a brutal way I might add, which game are we accusing of being cheap, lazy garbage again?
I just find this argument to be people who Really Really need to find a reason to hate Poppy Playtime which I think is silly. The devs being weird, shady people is already enough reason to dislike the game, you don't need to invent reasons why secretly every part of the game is malicious or bad. But esp when I see Bendy fans saying they don't support Poppy Playtime or dislike it bc of its devs or even saying its cringe ummmm.
I have bad news about the fact Bendy's devs are worse and it took not one, but TWO over an hour long videos to cover it all. Plus the Bendy games are just the worse games in every aspect, if I could sell my batim copy for a copy of Poppy Playtime I wouldn't hesitate at all.
Saying this as a bendy fan, we have no right to be super judgy towards Poppy Playtime. If Poppy Playtime is embarrassing cringe, Bendy is too and is way more embarrassing of an interest. We shouldn't spread misinformation just because we all want to hate Poppy Playtime, you can dislike Poppy Playtime without making up a bunch of nonsense to justify it.
Honestly seeing people just blatantly be unfairly mean to Poppy Playtime only makes its critics look worse and makes it hard to take any backlash to the games seriously. Because surprise surprise if you spread misinformation to make a point people will quickly stop listening to Anything you have to say bc they won't trust you're telling the truth anymore.
#feel free to reblog but Im not gonna tag this its way too rambley at least for my taste to go in the main tags#ramblez#also man can I say I didnt want to make this post super long but theres so many other points I could make in poppys favor#the fact we got to see the hour of joy and it was terrifying we dont even know if joey actually killed anyone anymore#the gameplay itself is more diverse and fun then batim which is a walking simulator that pretends to have fighting n stealth mechanics#at least Poppy n Missys friendship gives u a reason to care for missys safety before shes put in danger#Missy can actually express unlike Boris who sits there looking cute with no proper expressions until he gets yoinked and ur supposed to car#bc he was uh adorable? And therefore you spend an entire chapter tryna get him and get an extremely bad boss fight in return-#also soundtrack wise I like poppys tracks more theyre unique and fun and you can tell which part of the game they come from#bendy has so many dramatic reveal stingers and tracks that are really hard to tell which part of the game they come from#bertrums boss fight has my favorite theme bc its so specifically crafted for him and unique and meanwhile Norman has one of the worst imo#a lot of Bendys soundtrack if I played it for you right now it would be hard to guess where its from bc it all kinda sounds the same#the reveal music for the machine for bendy land for heavenly toys for alices domain all sound the same x_x#its just so frustrating but yeah my point is can we all stop making up new reasons to shit on poppy playtime its just kinda dumb#it feels less like actual criticism and at this point just feels like elaborate justification for cringe culture which I hate#okay thats it bye sorry this is 10 pages long-
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Me when we don't speak anymore by bears in trees
#lizzierants#had a sudden unplanned job interview today. i wanted to cry the whole time but managed to keep it together and now the anxiety has suddenly#caught up to me and it feels BAD the sudden thought of that what if my friends just dont actually like me and they like me purely because#theyre worried for what would become of me if they stopped being friends with me when purely of course id be fine eventually but i worry#that cause im on antidepressants people just think im automatically suicidal when something bad goes wrong which is not the case im doing#good i dont want to die but what if all my friends hate me what if this whole time i have loved them so so much and they just tolerate me#someday my friends will die and i had that i hate that someday we wont be friends even if its decades in the future i love all of them with#my heart that sometimes i feel it is overfilling i love them i love them and what am i without them i am everything i have ever loved i am#overthinking however i cannot stop this what if my own best friend is avoiding me? why am i thinking this? what evidence do i have to back#this up? nothing only for the fact my own brain feels as though i love people too much and they are uncomfortable with it i feel awful wtf#i have learned to keep my emotions from people because i dont want them to worry. i dont want people to do something or not do something bec#ause they think it will upset me i want people do do as they please i want to be open for my friends to share their issues i want to help#and im sitting here wirrying if they hate me so i turn here to shout in the void because the only person i know irl who follows me on here#most likely doesnt read these tags and if you are please ingore this i misjudged your terrible attention span also i love you very much#anyway a few weeks ago i realised my worst fear is no longer death. but the death of my friendship with my beloved friend. and thats fucking#terrifying prospect however if they were to be like yo i dont like you anymore id respect that decision and id be okay because their happine#is the most important thing to me and thats okay but i couldnt bare with the fact that they feel like they had to be ffiends with me because#they have to. i hate the prospect of them feeling trapped in a friendship theh dont want to be in. all the while i feel i cannot communicate#this to anyone because how would i go about it im very anxious i am shaking i am having a bad time very bad time actually im going to start#crying but its okay <3 crying is good for stress and health and its been a while since ive cried so maybe this will help me feel better <3#i will heal and ill be okay <3
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ignore this i just need to be insane for a second
#life gets soooooo much easier when u decide u are on a clock thats running out and theres an end to it#like i can just fucking vibe now and not care bc theres an end in sight#im just running the clock out and having a good time as much as possible while the clocks still running#and then! i get to be done! and leave! when things get too intolerable! i can just be done and not deal w it anymore!#incredibly freeing! psychologists are terrified of me!#literally just. okay well I'll just live off the savings i have (very lucky i accumulated those) and then-#-either they run out or shit gets too fucked up for me to handle and i can just off myself then. thank fucking god#living in a way where u are just running out ur rapidly ticking clock is just so fucking freeing#things dont matter anymore and i can finally fucking chill a little bit#I've been living this way for a couple months and damn I've been going thru it sure but theres an exit door for me to use now#and thats making it SO much easier to cope. i have a limited amount of time and i can choose to end the clock whenever. thank god#just waiting it out and vibing in the meantime#anyways tonight was brutal lol and i feel the clock moving ahead rapidly but i am just going to make my silly little art instead of worrying#no need to worry bc theres no future to consider!! if things get too hard i can just leave! extremely freeing!#dont have to worry abt escaping or finances or anything lmao its all unnecessary now#this is probably unhealthy (i mean it definitely is) but i feel like i can deal w things so much better#family can say whatever they want now bc if i ever decide its too much i can just be done#and magically! my tolerance levels have risen! hurray! i can tolerate so much more bc i know it doesnt matter!#okay im done im done. things are so bad lol but at least i have an way out at the ready and no more apprehension abt it#me and death become besties era#she is my silly rabbit she is my rock she'll be there to catch me when i collapse djdjdkdl#I'll delete this later but i just need to be stupid a bit rn bc otherwise im going to do smth so much worse#everything is building and building and i am handling it the best i can! this is my best!#suicide tw
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Worsties of all time I need them grinded to fine dust and then inhaled by a whale
[Template under the cut]
#durianshipping#malik'll makenone 4 him and mei when she's like fronting#oc: Morshid lmk#u dont know how long i stared at the selfishness vs selflessness for a good or bad cause box for swk#almost all of this is them being unreliable narrators btw . theyre so stupid#they gain respect for each other later on after morshid sees swk put himself in danger for MK but it starts out garbage#the thing is morshid's feelings for swk change before swk's except he doesnt reallh say anything that could signify this#so theres a period of time where morshid like . DOESNT hate swk and doesnt understand why swk hates him#meanwhile swk is getting the MOST bizarre signals thrown at him he thought they had a dynamic going and suddenly that's Not Happening#and he doesnt know what to do w it#and swk like TRIES to match the spirit but it just makes Morshid mean again [Morshid doesn't expect kindness and Therefore nice gestures are#false and violent in nature. he is being kind to give me false hope and make it hurt worse] so theyre like . back at square zero#and they dont really want to fight anymore but what else do they have . screaming doesn't feel good anymore. hurting you just hurts me too#now . but how can they stray out of this and into something new and unfamiliar and terrifying??#kings of zero communication despite preaching communication . �� I love them i want them dead#self shipping#self ship#oc x canon
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fucked up what happened to mike crew.
#i think that and maybe leitner voice debut and the whole dark ritual story arc are some of the only things ive actually really really-#disliked about the podcast#NOT THAT THE LEITNER VOICE DEBUT WAS BAD#i just think that it took away from a lot of the tension that was building however i do love brutal pipe murder#also making the avatars so easy to kill just humanizes them too much to me which i think is the opposite of what was trying to be done#like the put so so so much emphasis on how michael isnt michael anymore he's something else and how jon is slowly losing his humanity#and thats a lot of the horror is losing your humanity#which i understand some avatars are going to be more human than others but yknow#its also a horror podcast#theres something terrifying about living so long being stuck in a not quite human state not being able to go on without feeding your fear#you technically dont have as much autonomy as you think you do and thats terrifying#but that kind of gets lost when you make it so easy to kill some of them#and like didnt jon also...have to go see the flesh to even get bones out of himself like he was having physical issues with?? bleeding??#i dunno#i actually didnt mind gerry's explanation of things#i know some people did but its just as cryptic as any other explanation#like the fears cant really be rationalised whatever you think you know about them is wrong#like he also didnt really know fuck all about anything else jon asked him#you gotta remember he really just wanted to get out of that book as well#“yeah the world changes in terrible ways for YOU. im a book”#“you cant be serious.” “im dead serious”#so realistically with how little gertrude actually told him about any of it and how much he just wanted to get out of the book yknow you#gotta take everything he said with a grain of salt#SORRY FOR RANTING ON MAIN I WAS JUST HAVING THOUGHTS#stickers lore
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wow my english is just. really just getting worse and worse. noticably.
#kage rattles#for context: english isnt my first language#ive had like. more than one person point out things in my eng today.#not even necessarily grammar issues just. me phrasing things weirdly or whatever#and its just really hitting me in the insecurity lately#and i get im probably more sensitive about it than usual (though its always a sore spot) because of something else i have going on#thats really fucking with me#but nonetheless. shit hurted#idk im just scared because i live in a majority english area#and a lot of the people closest to me are either monolingual english speakers or dont speak any of the other languages i do#and i dont even know why its deteriorating this much#and im just so scared of reaching the point where i cant communicate with some of the people i care the most about#these people are irreplacable to me. i cannot afford to lose them.#and theres only so much you can take from someone who you cant communicate at all with#its not even just my speaking. its my comprehension too.#its not as bad. but its still slowly going. it depends on the day- some are better than others-#but its still starting to go.#i just dont want to reach the point where i can hardly speak english anymore.#and im not sure what i can do to stop this.#and its fucking terrifying
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Skypiea time
Robin saying that because I know she only got on a ship to then leave it...
Nami sees Conis and gets sanji out of there so SHE can talk to her akdhksajka not a single second lost
Hello my favourite panel of nami maybe ever
Sillies...
CHOPPER YOU ARE THE CUTEST
Robin throws this guy off a cliff and to make just to make sure she breaks his neck too akdjsksk who is doing it like her???
OMG ACE!!!! IT IS TIME!!!!
#luffy being jealous of nami handling the waver.... sibling behaviour#so many robin chopper moments my god... and zoro still mistrusting here... the coparenting of chopper is just beggining#already needing a ship carpenter damn..... franky i miss you#robin saying to nami she is brave for jumping off the ship and then telling chopper to please be careful.... yeah.... 🥺#luffy saying that they will fall off the island if they take the wrong door and they immediately fall qldjsonwlssls#and luffy just says that was all usopp! we failed! and it is not shown but i know he is smiling#i have gotten used to seeing luffy with his shirt open and the x scar i got surprised when i realized he doesnt have it yet.... oof#the priests having “mantra” aka haki is so op for the second island like damn.. and they got BEAT.... losers#the city of gold aka vearth aka part of jaya went into the sky 400 years ago ✍️✍️#robin wanting to stop the campfire so they dont give away their position... she doesn't need to hide anymore!!! party time#life's 36 agonies... zoro is so deep when he wants to... also first pondo hou attack... why against thus random man tho akdjsksl#shandora fell 800 years ago ✍️✍️#laki.... and wiper ... this hit so much harder in the show tho.... my bad... maybe they put some flashbacks in here instead of wherever els#wait wait.... shandia fell 800 years ago when the world gov was formed and robin just found a poneglyph that says they went to wat with the#enemy... so the shandians were enemies to the world gov i am sure of it... like the d clan and probably the ryugu kingdom and wano too#this shit is so interesting like there must be a reason roger came there last and with oden to read the poneglyphs AND LEAVE A MESSAGE#having robin and zoro fighting enel right now is so good man.... zoro learning to trust her since he has issues with her since the start...#i dont think there has been a villain that has been more scary than enel... they were terrified about his powers... apart from sabaody#never getting over nami being the one to witness the horrors this arc and then volunteering to go woth enel.. paralel to her with arlong to#where did conis get a bazooka 😭😭 i mean slay wait why does she want to off herself by proxy of enel... they hated jesus too conis its okay#ace wearing red in the cover story.... idk where im going with this it is his color... not taking luffys yellow with him for the search?#SANJI HOLDING USOPPS HAND SLEEPING IS ALSO ANIME ONLY??? AJDJAJAK NOOOOOO they keep putting in the homoeroticism#usopp and nami fighting enel is so funny this is something else.... hag reunion 🫂 hag struggle 🫂 and sanji stepping in at the end... 👌🏻#the girl they are about to sacrifice looks like laki and she is karugaras daughter and then wyper is his descendant.... i see#oh here starts the love story central to the story.... truly i forgot karugara had a wife and a child... i see why#WHAT DOES HE MEAN BY FOUR CORNERS OF THE WORLD?? KARUGARA EXPLAIN#christ.... just the pages of textless panels about karugara and noland having fun together.... its enough to make a grown (wo)man cry#noland just laying on his side on a rock thinking about karugara you cant make this shit up#“the bell will always sound for you” while crying and sobbing.... are you kidding me... and then they can't come back 😭😭😭😭#reading one piece
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bough
#I hate spiraling#I managed to stop before it got worse but now I’m just still in a state from the spiraling and I’m just. I’m so tired of thinking I’m dying#everyday it’s so exhausting and the fear is never ending and the worry that maybe I am really dying and I have no idea bc I’m scared to go#to the doctor and then it’s my fault I waited so long etc. and then it’s like if I am what have I even done with my life? what is there to#be proud of or look at and feel fulfilled? atp in my life I have wasted my life I’ve done nothing and I’m rotting away and it’s like if I#found out I was dying it’s like that’s all I got I wasted so much time etc. and I’m just spiraling out tonight man it sucks I hate this I#hate my brain I just want to be fucking normal and not be scared everyday that I’m genuinely dying and it’s my fault and that I’m wasting my#life away not doing so many things I wanted to and like you think well jay shouldn’t that encourage you to live life to the fullest of your#ability? and yeah I’d love to but then my head just thinks all those things again and the cycle repeats and I just am so terrified as soon#as something in my body hurts or something is off etc. because my immediate thought is just its fucking over man and I’m too scared to go#to the doctor about things and I’m just repeating shit now I’m sorry if anyone Ben reads this far I’m obviously having a night#I’m just talking to the wall with this post but it helps me calm down a little I guess#god I need a therapist I stopped looking but I think it’s time I get back on that and quick because I really don’t think I can keep living#this way anymore it is so genuinely exhausting and I dont know how to help myself with it#sorry if anyone gets a peek at this actually. I obviously need help and this is just an outlet for me rn ig
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.
#im gonna say smth and no one is allowed to say a fucking Word. i need to . type this out bc i cant Say It Out Loud#but . it is slighrly disgusting and patheyic (imo) and just . huh .#anyway . the tightening in evety inch of my body at the idea that . i might not get what i want (*) . but that even if i dont get that#ill get Something somewhat better n its just .#hard to swallow. bc im so tired for settling for what i dont want .#like letting go of shit ivrlly want for smth thats supposedly better for me#letting did not look like a real word just then what the fuck man#anyway . it is awful bc like . having so many realisations n realising that . ive forgiven a lot less and a lot worse .#n its a whole thing i cant get into bc im figuring out what exactly . thst sys abt me and where it stems from#it feels Okay . like its coming grom a Good Place. n not one of low seld worth#but like . having to possibly actually settle for less than what i actually want . is awful bc i dont like doing that and im tjred of doing#that. even if its good / better for me?#i cannot think of any other situstion simular rn other than yhe job fuckery. but . never wity a person#have i felt like this. n i dont know where or why its a Thibg. butcit is. ajd i dont know why hes fucking different.#but so much is out of my control !!!! and idk what to do anymore except just . keep pretendinf he doesnt exist#and moving like i did in high school: just zignoring how i feel bc i see the fucker constantly#it genuinely does parallel to hs rn how do i keep .#but also how is this a conpletely new situstion ive Never Exprrienced. how is this haopening to me.#i keep thinkibg abt the letter j wroye to my 21st (on my 18th) n i havent opened it#bc i missed opening it actually on my 21st. so i decided to live out actually being 21 before i#opebed the letter just to see how much had actually changed.#gonna open it aroubd my birthday. im terrified. bc i reread that letter 5x vefore wrappibg it uo. and ive thought abt it Constantly#to rmber its contents bc im Obsessed with it somehowm butbi still dont know .#i plan tocwritr another for my 25th. n 27th thrn again my 30th.#theyre fun lil time capsules . n its nice . i used to do 6montg to yearly ones but . shit got so bad i did Not wanna keep writing abt it .#so . this Will be fun . it was the 1st attemot at that too like . its why i started the 6mth letters bc i wanted to see the gradual sgifts#n reread them on my 21st but life had other plans apparently.#anyway.
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SUDDENLY STARTED RAINING SO HARD WE ARE SO FUCKING BACK
#i was like huh whats that noise. bc i can normally NEVER hear anything over my headphones but it was the rain fucking shattering it down#my bed is WET the window was only open a few inches 😭#anyway had no signal at work again today smfh. but at least they let me on the bus free on the way there this morning#still a bit wobbly im in the baby deer phase of post major depressive episode#roommate asked how i was doing when she got home and i very very nearly started crying but i didnt i was so brave#my insane insecurity and anger swings post rsd episode have mostly faded too thank fuck. only took 4 days which is pretty good for me#but im still so so tired it takes everything out of me...#when im recovered + can talk abt it without making myself upset again im promising myself i will talk to her abt the rsd if nothing else#but i really really dont want to make her feel bad abt it at all its genuinely not anyones fault. but its important to me that i say smth#just so we can avoid it happening again where possible bc it does really suck so bad. for everyone im sure but mostly me here#and i would like to be able to care abt ppl and have close friends without risking my entire mental (+ physical..) wellbeing 😭#i think if im still struggling w mood once my meds stabilise i might ask if there are options to help w that too#like i think ive gone as far as i can w therapeutic techniques rn. its just too overwhelmingly intense and reflexive for me to apply that#and i dont feel like i live my life around it or in fear of it anymore like generally i have been a lot better#but when im vulnerable and it DOES strike i have no defense against it whatsoever and it can tank everything for weeks#its just high stakes. and it'll help to make sure ppl know abt it and might be able to support etc but it would be nice to never worry abt#so worth trying meds for it maybe. i just dont rly wanna have the conversations w medical ppl in order to get it in the first place#like i wouldnt feel safe telling a doctor abt it bc the idea of someone with that authority having power over me is terrifying#ah well this isnt a problem for right now. plus stimulants might help me w it anyway once im finished titrating so we'll see#got so distracted typing this i forgot what i was gonna do.... i need to check my planner#and then ill probably read and go to sleep early i think zzzzz#ahhh.. and the birds are singing outside now the rain has stopped :-)#.diaries
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I just feel so unequal sometimes
#idk im trying not to fall into thinking im a monster syndrome not to be like only im evil etcetc#and im absolutely not comparing care styles either#i just keep having the insecurity that my issues especially as a little outweighs the pros of me being a happy little or even a good cg#like#idk i just keep thinking about my bfs and going “they didnt sign up to parent a very autistic moody little girl and they shouldnt have to;#;because theyre the providers for the house in the first place and im not *helpless*#like idk it just all feels like im taking advantage of 1. the fact that i even still get to live here and 2. that they even are financially#the ones caring for me and the majority of my life“#idk i just dont. want to be more of a burden than i know i already am#i know our relationships arent transactional. thats not how i treat it but i also dont know good manners and just try to be transactional to#make up for the fact that i feel so clueless in a lot of things. plus my relationship w the parentals feels solely transactional esp w#how much im pretty sure the stepmom hates me. i know im already annoying and i talk too much and a nuisance so#idk i just cant wait to move out but im also terrified of not having any sort of safety net#like yes im not a burden in the im not treated that way way but like. im objectively still someone to care for and someone to feed and#a depression case still trying to be correctly medicated because i really dont know how to get this to work for me anymore#maybe i just need a new therapist??? idk#i feel like im falling apart
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I am going to scream and cry so many times I hate bugs they're so awful
#they make me feel so awful and now. my hand hurts because i scratched it too hard#i fucking hate bugs theyre disgustingGJJJJFJRHHHBBNDNDBBDAAAAAAAAA#im trying to listen to nice music and people talking to Feel Better but this is not working oh my god#and now im seeing little things and its really AGHHH and im just sitting in the kitchen thinking bugs will crawl onto me#i am burning to death#eveyrthing is awfulhbbnngnnnfnrbdhhshhhhfjrndnfnnnd#i dont want to sleep#im just so fucking happy theres no roaches#roaches are horrible and just their name makes me ejghhh#i am not having a good time anymore fuck!!!#i think ive given up on cleaning my room but ill take out the trash and go sleep on the couch or something#i dont know where theyre coming from so im terrified that theres just a pile of ants that have made an awful little nest in my room#i think ill take out the trash in the morning#i fucking hate bugs. ants.a dn everything#i am going to rip out all of my hair i am Crying this is Terrible
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Anxiety makes enjoying good things so hard
#ignore me#my life has been too good lately and I'm starring to go insane from everything working#i hate myself so much#I've been trying ao be more social and be a good mom and be someone that my daughter can look up to and my husband can love#but it always ends up with me hating myself so fucking much#I've been eating too many sweets which already is setting a bad example qhen it comes to a healthy diet and my media consumption has been#worse lately and my anxiety is now making me unabke to sleep and I've stopped going on daily walks cause the pain is back#it was so nice not having it around for a while and it is makibg everything so much harder#the sleep makes me more irritable and i feel like all i do is fail my baby#my husbans said he doesnt feel loved by me anymore and I've been trying so hard to manage household baby and everything else but its not#enough i always feel like I'm never enough#I've been a horrible friend like always so i guess that is a constant thing in my life#as if that isnt the worst when my mental health gets worse i start getting flashbacks to remind me of everything that went wrong with me#and that just fuels my anxiety around my daughter living through everything i did as a child and i just cant do this#i just wish i could sleeo again#i think all of this is sleep deprivation but i don't know how to do everything without losing sleep or something#i just wanna rest and sleep for more then four hours without veing woken up#god what i would give for eight hours of continuous sleep#but my husbands shifts are so shit that i cant do that to him... also now that I'm at home he's the only one working and I'm terrified of#loosing him so i dont want him to be at work without sleeping well cause it could actually kill him#worst of all I'm just too stupid to ask for help or bother anyone with my stupid problems#and every time I'm away from her she just screams and i just can't take her screams anyo#anymore#i just want to pee and ahit and eat in peace
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dunmeshi mithruncore (every day I can’t get up to make myself eat at all or get up to use the bathroom or fall asleep or actually do more to help myself unless im told to or someone physically Makes me do it or I finally manage to do so for the first time very very late in the day cuz I forced myself to out of fear)
#im in hell#that thing he said about not being able to sleep without magic or meds is so real#my sleep treatments even stopped working gradually#and if I don’t take any at all im laying awake until fuckinf 7 am#it takes me like an hour of holding it in to use the fuckinf bathroom#and the thing that makes me move is being terrified of kidney failure#it’s 6 pm and I still haven’t eaten my first meal of the day. tried ripping into a protein bar I had saved for moments like this but I can’t#make myself take more than 2 bites#the amount of times these past few years I’ve practically passed out from hunger cuz I just. cannot make myself get up to eat or make myself#something. omfgggggggff#I literally am a magic practitioner and have helped myself with spell work many times in the past yet I just can’t. make myself utilize it#more. yet I have all these books and supplies to use. and I’ve studied for hours and hours and know what to do#and it’s crazy cuz when im high off the sleep treatment THEN I actually do things but I don’t wanna use that more cuz im afraid of getting#addicted uhm. yeah idk what to even do anymore#my bf helps tremendously with leading me to do things but I don’t wanna take advantage of him too much and he’s long distance#but jesus fuck im literally on adderall now but its my emotional problems that keep it from working#it’s like wtf happened#I can’t fucking do anything unless someone’s there to guide me through it or keep me engaged as I work or they push me to in some way#and it’s like wow. cuz I want independence more than anything#it’s crazy cuz I related with his old self to the T especially with the desires and competitivity problems and trying to gain things he#doesn’t even actually want just for leverage and a sense of worth and the ‘if im not on the top on everything i dont have actual worth’thing#and other stuff I can’t remember off the top of my head. and I actually had friends and was more talkative#but now it’s like#🪿#yk what I mean#there’s a shitload of other things I relate too hard with but I can’t remember rn or I won’t mention cuz too much to go into#my bf said if he were around irl he’d cook for me and help with stuff when I go thru being like this nonstop which hey nice cuz obv id help#him with anything too#I mean there’s days where im better and can Do Things but it never lasts long and it sucks I can’t ever trust myself having a job or#I had all these things I wanted to do but I just feel nothing toward it and it drives me insane like can this maybe Not happen so often
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