#top ten quotes that changed my brain chemistry

[ofshivelight]

"But remember that an "angel" is anything that carries out a mission for God. This includes forces of nature. An angel doesn't have to be an intimidating, fiery being... Photosynthesis? That's an angel. Gravity? An angel. Magnetism? Angel. The Midrash in Bereishis Rabbah (chapter 1) says than an angel only performs one job. That job doesn't have to be destroying Sodom; it could be peristalsis, centripetal force or condensation."

- Rabbi Jack Abramowitz, The God Papers

[thefinalcinderella]

Tsurune Book 3 Chapter 3 - The Song of Naru (Part 2)

Let me share my personal theory: In this universe, the sport of kyudo possesses the supernatural ability to alter one's brain chemistry. Those who have a deeper affinity with the bow are more transformed by this ability. Kyudo, it seems, can make one become more spiritually attuned and connect seemingly completely unrelated concepts, but also warp one's thought processes to the point of non-kyudo practitioners finding them incomprehensible.

Anyways I still had no idea what's going on. And yes, that last line in the chapter is real

Glossary here

Full list of translations here

Translation Notes

The word used here is 文字絵 (mojie) which means a picture formed by letters

In Japanese, superstring theory (超弦理論) contains the character for "bowstring"

A yotsugake is a kyudo glove that covers four fingers

Dousha is "a form of Japanese archery with the purpose of shooting arrows from one end to the other of the outer area on the west side of Sanjyusangen-do temple"

Toshiya is another name for dousha

A kosode is a short-sleeved kimono. It contains the character for sleeve

Apparently this is a quote from Kuroko no Basuke?

Previous | Next

The sun was flashing, spreading rainbow-colored wings of light.

It was the middle of May. The prefectural high school kyudo tournament preliminaries were being held.

The competition event was “close range.” The first day’s “individual competition” consisted of shooting four arrows in two stages in zasha, and the top ten with the highest number of hits would be selected for the next round.

The “team competition” on the second day consisted of one coach and five to seven archers, and one male and one female team per school could participate. The competition format was teams of five, four shots in zasha, and a time limit of eight minutes. Forty-one schools participated in the boys’ competition, and the eight teams with the highest scores in the first and second rounds would advance to the prefectural tournament. Looking at the past results, winning was between thirty and thirty-five hits, and the lowest halfway point was twenty.

Kazemai High School had a total of six girls: the three second-years Hanazawa, Shiragiku, and Seo, and three first-years. The boys had a total of seven, with the five second-years Kaito, Ryouhei, Seiya, Nanao, and Minato, and the two first-years Himuro and Kanbayashi. A total of thirteen people entered the individual and team competitions.

Kazemai was the winning school last year, so they attracted a lot of attention. Their school’s name was printed on the back of their green jerseys along with the illustration of an arrow.

When a student from another school said, “Oh, it’s Kazamai,” Nanao folded his hands behind his head.

“This is read as Kazemai. I get it, I sometimes say it wrong too.”

Kaito was appalled. “Don’t get the name of your own school wrong.”

“Japanese kanji is hard because there are so many different readings. Nippon, Nihon, Hinomoto, and Yamato are all examples of the ever-changing name of our country, after all.”

“Oh, it’s Asahina and Eddie from YumiDou,” they heard someone say.

They looked and saw the Haneina High School members passing by, with the flashy duo leading them. “Haneine?” someone muttered when they saw the characters printed on the back of their orange jerseys.

“Those guys are called ‘Haneina High School’… Oi, Asahina and Eddie! Merha!”

When Nanao waved at them, Asahina and Eddie also waved back. In addition, there were other unique members following them, such as a man with narrow eyes, a boy with a notebook and pen, and a boy with fresh flowers in his bag.

Asahina saluted them. “Hey, Nanapri and everyone from Kazemai. It’s been a while. How are you guys?”

Eddie continued, “Prince Nanao, it has been long seen we’ve last contacted each other. The frog art (1) I received from you the other way has seen a lot of uses, that it has.”

“I’m glad to hear that. I saw your last stream. You hit the center of the target in the dark!”

“Thank you. My body learned how to do it using something interesting. If it’s my dojo, I rarely miss a shot.”

“That’s amazing. I’d like to learn that technique too,” Seiya said.

“During kai, the second joint of your bow hand’s index finger should be in line with the position of the tree branch outside the kyudojo.”

“That isn’t something you learned with your body, it’s something you saw with your eyes…”

“Haha, well, it’s alright, isn’t it? I’ll be able to do it with my mind’s eye sooner or later.”

Suddenly, Asahina stared at Minato.

“Hmm? Is there something on my face?”

“I don’t know why, but I feel like rubbing your forehead, Narumiya.”

Seiya quickly hid Minato’s forehead. “You need our advisor’s permission.”

“Seriously? Just how strict are things at Kazemai? If only we can use a jutsu to clone him and borrow one of them. Oh, speak of the devil, Doppelgangers No. 1 and 2 have arrived.”

Asahina’s gaze was directed at a group of people dressed in purple jerseys.

It was the Kirisaki High School kyudo club. The twin brothers Senichi and Manji stopped walking at almost exactly the same moment. Their bangs were arranged symmetrically to each other. Senichi, whose bangs were parted to the left, spoke.

“Doppelgangers are already old news. We’re the Twin Fighters now.”

Hearing this, Kaito’s jaw dropped.

“I can’t believe there are guys with terrible naming senses in a different way from Seiya… Are you sure you guys aren’t going against the times?”

“Huh!?” The twins exclaimed in unison. Kabashima and Yushima tried to calm them down, but Senichi picked up the corners of his mouth and bared his teeth, and Manji pulled his eyelid down and stuck out his tongue. Without paying any attention to what was going on around him, Ryouhei ran up to a certain person.

“Shuu-kun!”

“Hey, Ryouhei. Did you grow taller again?”

“Yep. I’m not losing to you yet!”

“Fufu. I guess I have to give up.”

“It’s a shame that Motomura-senpai and Sase-senpai aren’t here anymore. It’s so sad that everyone has to go their separate ways after graduating from high school, even though we had so much fun together. I wish I could shoot with everyone more.”

Shuu’s pale eyelashes wavered. Senichi and Manji reacted.

“Yamanouchi, stop calling him that.”

“Huh? But Shuu-kun is Shuu-kun, isn’t he?”

Someone was watching the jumble of green, orange, and purple as they chattered.

Kuon was lamenting outside the circle.

It’s him! The man I saw in my dreams.

…No, wait. Who is Fujiwara-senpai looking at?

Following his line of sight, Kuon found Minato there. Shuu had a gentle smile on his face.

I can’t believe this. Those who stand at the top should not smile so frivolously. I don’t care about the dog anymore. This guy must be harmful to Fujiwara-senpai.

The antique doll smiled coldly.

After the opening ceremony, the individual competition started. The order was random in individual competitions.

The girls went first. Hanazawa, Shiragiku, Seo, and six other girls put on their yugake and headed for the waiting room with their bows, arrows, and tsurumaki with spare strings. Tommy-sensei went with them.

Cheering squads from each school took their places in the stands. It was filled with people holding paper cranes with prayers written on them and others recording in notebooks.

The Kazemai girls started appearing from the third group. Hanazawa’s matooto was cheered by the audience, and Shiragiku and Seo, who were in separate groups, followed. They performed a light and lovely dance, and as a result, Hanazawa had two hits, Shiragiku had three hits, and Seo landed all four of her arrows.

Next was the boys’ division.

Haneina’s Asahina, Eddie, Matsuda, Kanuma, and Igarashi. The five unique and showy individuals captured people’s attentions even when they were alone. Two in particular, Asahina and Eddie, had hair colors that couldn’t be misperceived even from a distance, and their shooting was even more beautiful than in their videos. Their arrows were like flashes as lightning, and they hit with all four arrows.

Kanbayashi, a Kazemai first-year, watched them from the waiting room and thought, I can’t shoot disgracefully. I have to do my best not to bring shame to Kazemai.

The first individual match. Kanbayashi was at the second target in the second group. The archer before him drew his bow. He released his arrow and hit the target at three o’clock. It was a good start.

Meanwhile, tension had stiffened Kanbayashi’s shoulders.

Huh? Why can’t I focus?

As he panicked in his mind, he raised his bow and moved to daisan. He slowly pushed his bow open—

Right when Kanbayashi realized it, the arrow was no longer in his hand and was sticking out of the arrow path. The arrow had jumped out of his hand while he was still drawing his bow. He had no idea what happened.

Crap, crap, crap.

No way, is this target panic…?

No, no, no, I’ve been nervous plenty of times, but I’ve never let go this early. No, there’s no time to think about this. I have to nock the next arrow—. His hands were shaking, and his bow grip was becoming slick with sweat.

It’s fine, it’s fine, it’ll be okay next time.

The more he chanted that in his mind, the rougher his breathing became.

For his second shot, Kanbayashi’s arrow was once again released before reaching kai. The venue became noisy as people started murmuring to each other, and the sound of someone saying “Ah” remained in his ears. The archer behind him released a sharp-flying arrow. Shouts of “Yes!” reverberated.

Kanbayashi’s third shot came around. He could feel his hands shaking. He didn’t know how to interpret this first-time sensation. What did Narumiya-senpai say? To overcome target panic, focus on breathing and exhale slowly. Exhale, exha…, oh no, I can’t do it—.

Again, before he even drew his bow back, the arrow was released in an instant. The sound of the aluminum arrow sweeping across the ground resounded, and it pierced the target after bouncing.

Is this what it means to not hear a tsurune?

It was almost terrifying for an archer.

After shooting all four arrows, Kanbayashi didn’t make any matooto, while Kaito, Seiya, and Minato landed all their arrows, and the others ended the first round with three hits.

Once he left the kyudojo, Kanbayashi buried his face in his hands. His heart was still pounding. “Don’t be so hard on yourself,” Nanao called out, but Kanbayashi’s face was so stiff that all he could manage was a forced smile.

This is so embarrassing. I became a complete mess in front of my senpais and my family who came to support me.

I’ve been practicing and practicing, but when the actual competition comes, I end up like this. What am I doing—.

Kanbayashi gripped the arrows that he retrieved.

“Please remove me from the lineup for tomorrow’s team competition! I can’t do it! I definitely have target panic! I don’t want to be a burden on everyone!”

This time it wasn’t Kanbayashi, but Minato and the second-years who were blinking rapidly.

It was Kaito who responded. “Oi, oi. We’re still only halfway through the individual competition. Why don’t you just hit the remaining four?”

Nanao and Ryouhei also chimed in.

“That’s right. It’s a little too early to give up. Let’s focus on the individual competition in front of us first.”

“Yeah, what he said. There was also a time when I panicked because my string snapped, but I managed.”

However, Kanbayashi didn’t change his opinion.

“It’s impossible! I’ve always had the potential to get target panic! My mental weakness is the only thing I’m confident about! You have to have had it to understand how awful it is!”

Everyone’s eyes turned to Minato. Nothing but the words of someone who experienced target panic could reach Kanbayashi’s heart now.

Minato stepped forward.

“Although it’s called target panic, it’s still a relatively early and sudden system. It’s not severe yet. We can get back on track.”

“You saw me, didn’t you!? My terrible shooting! I was so careful about target panic, but why, why…”

“Let’s do the dantian breathing exercises together. You’re too worked up right now, but you’ll calm down in a few minutes.”

“I can’t do such wishful thinking!”

Minato took Kanbayashi’s hand.

“Kanbayashi, listen to me. My mom once told me about something she read in a book. In ancient times, the Japanese named very fast vehicles ‘tsubame.” The second-fastest were ‘kodama,’ and the ones after that were ‘hikari.’ What do you think is a vehicle that’s faster than light?”

“…Was there anything faster than light?”

“The Shinkansen ‘Nozomi.’ It’s the Japanese word for ‘hope.’ The slogans were, ‘Nozomi of Ambitious Japan! is always there for you’ and ‘Nozomi is the fastest way to meet the person you want to see.’”

Tommy-sensei, who had been watching their exchange, smiled broadly.

“I’ve ridden on the ‘Hinotori’ before. E=mc2. It reminds one of Einstein, the monument of theoretical physics. When things move, they get heavier.”

“Tommy-sensei, you’re knowledgeable about physics too?” Kanbayashi said.

“No, not at all. I’m just a geography teacher. I only know the two theories: relativity, which deals with gravity, and quantum mechanics, which explains the behavior of matter in the microscopic world.”

“The only one of the seventeen subatomic particles that hadn’t been confirmed, the Higgs boson particle, was discovered in this century. It was called the God particle, and is responsible for giving mass to everything. And I guess there’s also the ‘superstring theory,’” Seiya supplemented. (2)

“Super-string?”

“The superstring theory. It’s a theory that claims that the origin of all things is ultra-small ‘strings’. The theory is that particles are actually the vibrations of these strings. It’s still at the stage of hypothesis.”

“The universe is made up of the sound of strings. I guess it would be too poetic to say that tsurune is the true nature of matter. Sound is the vibrating waves of air. Since it’s said that everything from people and plants to minerals are made up of waves, to say that ‘Nozomi’ is faster than light might not necessarily be wrong,” Masa-san said.

“Wow, tsurune is incredible.”

Tommy-sensei smiled with satisfaction at Kanbayashi, who was blinking rapidly.

“When I hear the word ‘ambitious,’ I think of Dr. Clark’s words. ‘Boys, be ambitious. Like this old man.’ I can almost hear the doctor laughing as he says, ‘I’m an eternal young man.’ Now, there’s still a long, long way to go. Let’s go to the next stage together.”

“I don’t really understand, but I’m going to let the team competition wait and focus on what’s in front of me right now.”

Kanbayashi changed his mindset and practiced dantian breathing as Minato put his hand on his lower abdomen.

As for the results of the individual competition, Kazemai’s Minato, Seiya, and Kaito, Kirisaki’s Shuu, Kabashima, and Kuon, Haneina’s Asahina and Eddie, and Seo from the girls’ division would be advancing to prefecturals.

The second day was the team competition.

The first round. The Haneina team, who were famous as Yotubers, drew a lot of attention for their shooting.

The oomae was Eddie Fox.

His long, blond hair was tied high up on his head, and a headband was tied around his forehead. He looked like an actor in a period drama. Once he gripped his bow, his jokester persona disappeared as his eyes sharpened, his breathing became shallower, and his face became dreadfully serious. A burst of sound resounded from the target area as he took advantage of a momentary gap and got in close to his opponent.

The second target was Matsuda Kotetsu.

He had poor vision, and the world he saw was composed of multicolored balls of light. His hearing was above average, and he had an excellent sense of perception. Whenever he stood before the target, he always stood behind someone else because it was easier to perceive the distance when someone was standing in front of him. Kyudo was a sport that could be played by people of all ages, and physical differences were no handicap. With the use of remote video conferencing, it was even possible to have a match with people on the other side of the world at the same time.

The third target was the naka, Kanuma Nobuhiko.

He was a haiku poet who loved writing haikus. He was staring absentmindedly into space during the middle of a competition.

A staff member approached him and asked him in a whisper, “Hey, what’s wrong? Are you not feeling well?”

“The eye of the snake/the white water surface holds/the golden-scaled fish. I tried to write a poem about carps living in a pond, but I guess it’s too mediocre. On a summer’s day/the koi frolic and a cat/sleeps beneath a tree. How’s that?” (3)

“This isn’t a haiku contest, it’s a kyudo tournament! Concentrate on your shooting!”

“Okaaay.”

Kanuma nocked his arrow. The spectators who had witnessed the scene were taken aback by his lack of nervousness and extraordinary strength of his heart.

The fourth target was the ochimae, Igarashi Shion.

He was the Gardening Prince who loved flowers. Even when he was sitting in his chair in the waiting room, he kept fresh flowers with him and left them with his tsurumaki. Even his bow was decorated with flowers he drew himself, and there were even people who wanted him to sell it to them. His shooting was as sweet-smelling as a flower and created the illusion of a fairy flying.

The fifth person was the ochi, Asahina You.

His red hair symbolized the rising sun. He parted his bow and followed the correct tsurumichi path. What was beautiful was good, and what was good was true. If you sought beauty and aesthetic, you would naturally follow the right path without being aware of it. Far from concepts such as “seeking the truth” and “ascetic training,” and the irrepressible joy that radiated from him captivated those who watched him. He liked to have fun, and believed in fundamentally ignoring what wasn’t fun or changing it to be fun.

The Haneina High School kyudo club was both noble and greedy. They lived not by the values of others, but their own axes. The five of them were comrades and friends who had met each other on their travels. Of course, there were occasional clashes of opinion, but they knew when to quit, so there were no lingering resentments. Making videos was a great way to learn about life and society, as what one said and did was constantly exposed to the public eye. It wasn’t easy to communicate something to others. True expressive people seemed to be free and unfettered at first glance, but they kept their feet on the ground and devoted themselves to their work.

The five of them carved out the Eight Stages of Shooting.

Ashibumi, douzukuri, yugamae, uchiokoshi, hikiwake, kai, hanare, zanshin.

When five circles, a “yoko kaichuu,” were lined up next to each other on the scoreboard, there was an eruption of applause.

Hanazawa, Shiragiku, and Seo, who were watching from the stands, let out sighs.

“It feels really fun.”

“Their shooting was brilliant.”

“They’re formidable opponents. It seems that the boys’ division won’t be so smooth-sailing.”

The members of the Haneina High School kyudo club achieved the high results of four, four, four, three, and four hits each.

Second round, first kyudojo. The champions, Kirisaki High School, were taking their turn.

The oomae was Kabashima. He was particular about his face and form. In the name of Kirisaki High School, he shot so that no one could complain. When gripping the bow, the tenmonsuji should be firmly sticking to the todake, and the skin between one’s thumb and index finger should be rolled up from below. It was no exaggeration to say that kyudo began with the Eight Stages of Shooting and ended with the Eight Stages of Shooting. Originally, it was the Seven Stages, but with the addition of “zanshin,” it became eight. Why did they make it eight? He felt something profound in it. He earnestly, single-mindedly, carved out the Eight Stages and created a matooto. He was intoxicated by the sweet tone.

Senichi was at the second target, and Manji was at the third. Although their time-difference attack was sealed up, the confidence of the Twin Fighters was evident. We stand on the front line, the firing line. Come on, follow us. They looked completely relaxed, as if victory had been decided before the fight had even begun.

The ochimae was Kuon Takumi. Unusually for a high school student, he used a yotsugake. (3) There were slight differences in gripping the string depending on whether you were wearing mitsugake and yotsugake. Originally used in dousha, (4) and it was said that yotsugake was more suitable for people who drew many arrows like the toshiya (5)in Sanjusangen-do or for people with tough bows, but since Kuon believed that yotsugake were more superiorly ranked than mitsugake, he chose to use it. The arrow that was released almost hit the center. A rapturous air exuded from his whole body.

When the ochi, Shuu, started to lift his bow, the entire venue resonated with silence.

Even the sound of his clothes rustling was daunting. He possessed a divinity, as if he had reached a higher level than what everyone called the “Young Lord.” He himself became a bow and emitted a tsurune that soared through the heavens. Shuu’s sound instantly erased the uncanny colors created by Kuon and purified the place.

A true sound.

A good sound.

A beautiful sound.

By the time the people whose hearts were pierced came back to their senses, Shuu had already left.

The results were announced over the loudspeaker.

“The results will be announced now. First shooting range, Team 17, four, four, three, four, four, nineteen hits total. Second shooting range, Team 18, four, two, two, four, 12 hits total. That is all.”

Kirisaki won, and Kazemai went after them.

The oomae, Kaito, drew his bow tightly. He relaxed his hands and stretched his upper arms.

More force, more force. He stretched and stretched—then released. The arrow was sucked into the target while spinning clockwise.

The second target, Ryouhei, didn’t only grow in height. He had the dignity of an archer, and he shot with majesty. He was someone who had love for everyone. He would continue to have affection for himself and others for the rest of his life. The target accurately reflected the archer, and the round target, without deceit or calculation, was waiting to be pierced.

The naka, Seiya, was also clearly different from who he was a year ago. He took off his obstinate armor and stretched his limbs freely. He hated himself. He hated irrationality, fate, all of it. When he became entwined with hatred and fell into a swamp, there was someone who reached out to him. That person said that they didn’t care what kind of person he was.

The ochimae, Kanbayashi, began to carry out his shot. He concentrated on the lower abdomen that Minato had put his hand on before.

The dantian is “here.”

Now, gather the light here.

He threw away all speech and listened only to the sound of his breathing. When the wind calmed down, his arrow flew at high speed.

The ochi was Minato. He summoned the wind that should have stopped. The wind that rushed around the earth was the land’s breath. Once you were able to feel that, you became a wind user. He manipulated the wind at will and connected it to a new era.

The tsurune took everything away.

For the results of the first round, Kazemai had fifteen hits out of twenty.

After the first and second rounds were completed, Kirisaki had thirty-six hits, Haneina had thirty-five, and Kazemai had thirty-three.

All three schools made it through the preliminaries.

After the tournament, the Kazemai second-years and Masa-san waited for a car to pick them up. Tommy-sensei and the first-years went home first. Waves of people came and went to the other shore.

Minato, Seiya, and Ryouhei sat on the edge of a flower bed. Ryouhei immediately started to eat his sweets. Seiya, finding the verse from “Greensleeves” stuck in his head, couldn’t help but hum it.

He met eyes with Masa-san, who was next to them.

“Is that an English folk song? You know a lot of old songs, Seiya.”

“If you know it, then you must be ancient as well, Masa-san. Minato’s mom used to hum it. Oh, it can’t be helped if you don’t know it.”

A bell was rung. Fighters burned with quiet fighting spirit.

Seeing the two jab at each other, Nanao quickly took out his phone. He entered the search words, and the English lyrics and translation were displayed.

Kaito peered at them.

“What’s this? Isn’t this just a guy who got dumped and kept whining about it? Isn’t it too obsessive to say at the end, ‘Goodbye, please come here again and love me?’”

“Kacchan, you don’t understand heartbreak at all.”

“Hah? I don’t need to.”

“Yep, that’s what I thought.”

Ryouhei said that he would eat all the sweets.

“What kind of woman is Greensleeves? He’s calling her name over and over, right?”

Seiya was the one who answered. “I did some research, but the prevailing theory seems to be that it’s a metaphor and not a real name. There are various theories that Greensleeves is a prostitute, a dead person, or a ghost. Also, some people think that Greensleeves isn’t a song about lost love, but more like a hymn.”

For a moment, sound disappeared.

Even though it should have been extremely noisy with all the people around, the area was so silent that it made their ears hurt. Even the birds were quiet.

Masa-san murmured a few words.

“Green kosode—. (6) I think it’s talking about the upper arm.”

“What do you mean?” Minato asked.

“There’s a custom in the West to wear green when one turns into a spirit. When you think of Santa Claus, you think of red clothes, but that was because he was dressed in a company’s image color in advertisements, and in England, he was originally dressed in green. According to one theory, Santa Claus is Saint Nicholas, that is, a clergyman. He is a person who seems to have existed, and his name and deeds are passed on to his disciples.”

“What does that have to do with ‘upper arms’?”

“I think ‘Greensleeves’ refers to the arms themselves. It’s ‘green sleeves.’ When you touch the arm of a person, a miracle will occur. That makes them a vessel of the divine.”

Masa-san typed into his phone.

Alas, my love, you do me wrong.

Greensleeves was all my joy.

Greensleeves was my delight.

Oh, my chest feels like it’s about to burst. You who bestow love, how cruel you are.

You let enjoy your love, and say you’ll forsake me. Is this a test of God?

Greensleeves, you are joy itself.

Greensleeves, you are days of happiness.

I was happy just being by your side.

Seiya spoke.

“That sound like words dedicated to God. A somewhat critical song of lamentation and resignation.”

“Greensleeves may have been a person who had a healing hand that could cure illnesses and injuries, or maybe she was a saint. There are even those who say that it is the name of God. It’s distinct from the secular world and doesn’t appear openly. Even if you’re attracted by, yearn for, adore, sacrifice yourself, and give up all your wealth and power for the singing voice that you overhear from the church, you cannot touch ‘it.’”

“I see. In that case, I can at least acknowledge the manly spirit of ‘I’ll stop you even if I have to cling to you,’” Kaito said. (7)

“Kacchan, this isn’t a rugby play. And ‘manly spirit,’ really? You completely ruined the mood,” Nanao said.

 Seiya lowered his eyes and took off his glasses.

“Being abandoned by God might be an indication that humans are irredeemable.”

Shiragiku’s expression clouded over, and she gripped Seo and Hanazawa’s hands.

“How awful…it was such a wonderful melody.”

As everyone fell silent, Minato pondered.

Has God abandoned humans?

Is this really true? Didn’t I forget something important?

“You’re wrong! Such a sad and gentle melody could never be a criticism and lament to God. This is a joyful song for a coming-of-age ceremony!” he started shouting.

Before he knew it, everyone was staring at him blankly. The three girls shrank back while still holding hands.

Masa-san tried to follow Minato’s thought process.

“Coming-of-age ceremony? What’s with this all of a sudden? Where did your thoughts fly to, Minato?”

“I remembered my mother’s words. She said that at coming-of-age ceremonies, it’s a ‘song of naru.’”

“…What do you mean? Did your mother have a shrine maiden disposition?

“No, she was a normal mom.”

“Don’t put too much stock in what Narumiya calls ‘normal.’ By the way, who’s Naru? Is that a new character? Now I’m even more confused.”

Kaito scratched his head.

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[veilingofthesun]

Quarantine tags!

I was tagged by the lovely @starlene to answer these tag games. it took me a while, but I really enjoyed them. It took my mind of other things for quite some time. So thanks a lot for tagging me!:)

Music list tag game

Rules: list ten songs you’ve been listening to recently.

In no particular order:

Carry you - Missy Higgins

You learn to live without - If/Then cast recording

Use well the days - Annie Lennox

My House - Matilda the musical cast recording

Wear it like a crown - Rebekka Karijord

En sång till livet - Så som i himmelen cast recording

Stay Gold - First Aid Kit

En stund på jorden - Laleh

Gold - Once soundtrack

That I would be good - Jagged little pill cast recording

Quarantine Tag Game

Are you staying home from school/work? No, here in Sweden not everyone has to work from home. If you can, you’re advised to work from home. But my job can’t really be done from home..

If you’re staying home, who is there with you? -

Are you a homebody? Yes, definitely. I’m an introvert and and I need my space and and time to just be at home. So this quarantine thing feels kind of surreal to me. For starters, we’re not in lockdown here, so I’m not restricted in the same way that a lot of other people are. Since I’m going to work as usual (except for some schedule changes) my days feel very much as they did before this pandemic. I get up, go to work, come home, do almost the same things as I did before.... I don’t go to stores, cafes or the cinerma at the moment though. The things that I was really looking forward to and love to do (travelling to different cities and see musicals) I can’t do...

An event that you were looking forward that got cancelled? It’s kind of hard for me to write about this, because I’m getting upset just by writing about this. It’s been a long and rough winter and the things that kept me going and gave me something to look forward to was going away with my sister on our musical trips (it’s my favourite thing to do) I’m missing out on both Groundhog day and Next to Normal. N2N pains me the most. I’ve never seen a production of N2N before and I’ve been patiently waiting for many years now. N2N means so much to me (More than I can ever explain) When I found out that they were doing it and with Helen Sjöholm (my dream Diana for years) I was so excited and happy. After seeing bits of rehearsals, pro pics, the trailer and hearing what people thought, my excitement just grew...  I’m trying to stay positive and hope that they might bring it back. But the realistic side of me knows that they can’t just pick up where they left and keep going. But the cast wants to do it again, and Uppsala Stadsteater has said that they’re looking into putting it up again in the future, so I’m allowing myself a slight hope... Wermland Opera won’t be bringing GHD back, so I just have to hope that another theatre will put it up some time.

What movies have you watched recently? And then we danced (A Swedish/Georgian movie) and Little women were the last two movies I watched in the cinema. I loved them both and I can really recommend them. I know that Little Women is easy accessible, but if you manage to find And then we danced, definitely give it try. It’s a beautiful and touching movie in so many ways. Most recently I watched an Icelandic movie called Woman at war (I try to broaden my movie watching horizons) It’s a very special movie (kind of hard to explain) but I really enjoyed it. Very well acted, both dramatic, funny and smart.

What shows are you watching? I’m rewatching Good Omens (it’s based on one of my favourite books and a TV show has been a long time coming) I love it so much, it captures the feel of the book and the characters perfectly. It makes me happy and makes me laugh. I’m also watching season 2 of the British show The Split. It’s a female driven show about family, sisterhood and a family law firm. The feel of it is very different from other law shows, because the focus is on family law. I also love how it’s written and the very different, very well written interesting female characters. Plus Nicola Walker is just amazing.

What music are you listening to? See above. Also, a certain audio that a very kind person sent me...

What are you reading? I’ve just finished reading Kindred by Octavia. E. Butler. It’s definitely a new favourite of mine, I love the way she writes. I didn’t want to put the book down and read it almost in one go. I love when I find books like that. At the moment I’m reading The wit and wisdom of Discworld by Terry Pratchett and Stephen Briggs. . Or not really reading, more flickering through and reading bits and pieces.( ( I needed to digest Kindred properly before starting on a new book) It’s filled with quotes and pieces from the Discworld books. Terry Pratchett has a quote for everything.

What are you doing for self-care? Hmm, well I walk and bike almost everyday since it’s part of my route to and from work, so I get some fresh air. During the weekend I try (I don’t always succeed, sometimes I just can’t make myself go for a walk) to go for a longer walk. It usually helps to go somewhere else and see something else. I’ll make it a mini trip and bring something to eat. It doesn’t happen every weekend though.. What else? Reading is self care to me. It’s very important to me, it calms me and gives my brain a break. Also working on @musicals-in-sweden is a kind of self care for me..

Nameless tag game

Top 3 Ships: Hmmm, this is a hard question... I don’t ship characters as much as I used to... I don’t really know why. Plus I find it hard to rank them so this isn’t really a top three...  I’ve always had a soft spot for Natalie and Henry from N2N, so they’ll be on my list. Who else? I think I’ll go with Miss Honey and Mrs Phelps from Malmö Operas production of Matilda the Musical. I know that a lot of people ship Miss Honey and Mrs Phelps based on the musical, and I see why. But for me, it didn’t happen until I saw the Swedish production. Their chemistry and the way they acted together and opposite each other was so special. (It was probably the fact that they had some added lines and that their relationship and admiration for each other played a bigger part in this production that did it for me and of course the actresses beautiful and very natural chemistry) Then there’s the If/Then couples (Elizabeth/Josh, Kate/Anne and Lucas/David) but since I love them all, I can’t possible pick one to be in the list and let the others go, so they’re all staying.

Last Song: Hope from the Groundhog Day cast recording. There’s something very special about that song and it seems fitting at the moment. I just love the way Tim Minchin writes.

Last Movie: Since I answered the movie question above I have seen Lost Girls.

Reading: I’ve kind of already answered this, but I’m thinking of rereading Good Omens next, since today is it’s 30th anniversary... I’m about to order a batch of books from my favourite book store since I won’t be able to travel to any of the cities it’s located in for a while. They have a lot of new releases and new parts of series that I’m interested in.

Three Random Things that Make Me Happy: That spring is finally here and the lovely warm, sunny days we’ve had in april, First Aid Kit’s live streamed livingroom concerts and that Cirkus Cirkör (A Swedish new circus company)is streaming a recording of their 2010 production Wear it like a crown. It was the first Cirkus Cirkör production I saw and I was blown away. I’ve been wanting to experience it again ever since. I’m happy to say it was as magical as I remembered it.

I’m tagging @amaliatheartist @mrs-tap-toes @miyacantdecide @thecitykeepsevolving to answer as many of these as you can/want.

[calpalirwin]

According to Plan

A/N: So, in one of my first renderings of this story, Mads (originally Emma) was high-functioning autistic, and stuck to a very simple diet (very little typical sugars and sweets) because “research” (in quotes because I’m not sure if it’s factual or not) shows that diet can help with the brain chemistry or something. Anyway, that’s why she pretty much only drinks water. And I thought her first soda experience was cute, so I kept it in. Enjoy!

And away, and away we go!

~~~

Chapter 9

Madison

~~~

I walked with him to his truck after we finished up the assignment. “I’ll meet you by your locker,” he told me.

I smiled. Yeah. I’ll see you then. I’ll be online later if you want to play videogames. I was back to signing, having talked more in the last half hour than in the last seven years combined.

“Yeah, cool,” he smiled and kissed me.

I waited in the yard and watched as he drove off before I headed back in the house. I grabbed a water from the fridge before I sat down at the table.

“So, you’ve been spending a lot of time with Ashton. Things getting serious?” Mom asked.

I don’t know… I guess.

Mom and Dad exchanged a look. Dad coughed awkwardly. Mom cleared her throat. “Well, your dad and I would feel more comfortable if you started on birth control.”

Mike and I both choked. What? We’re not… I’m not… What?!

“Just as a safety precaution! It’s not permission, by any means. We’d much rather if you didn’t get involved that way. But, we’d rather you be protected if you decide to make that decision down the road.”

Okay, well if we’re on the topic of discussing change, I think I want to get the Cochlear implant.

“You do?” they asked.

Yeah. I’m gonna be on my own next year. I think it’s time. I left out the fact that I just really wanted to be able to hear Ashton’s laugh on my own.

“Okay,” Dad said. “But, Mads, you know this isn’t as easy as saying you want it and then you get the surgery. You have to prove that you’re a good candidate. It’ll probably take a while. Just don’t get your hopes up.”

I know. But I want to at least try. Can’t hurt to try, right?

“Can’t hurt to try,” my parents agreed.

When I played videogames with Ashton later that night, I typed into the chatbox to him:

So, my parents want me to go on birth control.

What? Why?

They want me to be protected now that we’re apparently getting serious. Just in case.

Wow, that’s… progressive of them. As awkward as it probably was, at least they’re being realistic. Most parents just ignore that part of their kids’ relationships.

But it’s still dumb. Like we’re not anywhere close to making that decision. Are we?

I’m not. I mean, I hope we’re getting serious, but I’m not ready for that.

I let out a sigh of relief. 

Good, because I’m not either. I mean, I like you… I like you a lot. But, I’m just getting used to being your girlfriend. And honestly, I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready. I mean, I never… well, y’know.

I’ve never either, actually…

You haven’t? I was a little taken aback. Given his relationship with Claire, I had sort of assumed he was experienced sexually.

No. I mean, we did stuff, but we never had actual sex. Our relationship was too rocky for me to feel comfortable to do that.

Wow, I didn’t know. I kinda just assumed. Sorry.

It’s okay, it’s not your fault.

No. You’d think for someone who hates people making assumptions about her, that I wouldn’t be so quick to make them about someone else. I’m sorry.

It’s okay. It just goes to show that just because it was a long relationship doesn’t make it a good one. It took me a long time to realize that. And as embarrassing as it is, I’m glad I’m still a virgin. I’m glad I didn’t make the mistake of being truly intimate with the wrong person.

I smiled. I liked that he put thought into his actions, or lack thereof. Having Mike, not only my brother, but as my only real friend for the last seven years, meant that I knew a lot about what teenage boys thought about teenage girls. And Ashton’s concept of sex was not necessarily unheard of, but definitely a rarity. At least, it was rare to say it out loud. It was nice to know that he took things seriously.

That’s not to say that I don’t think about sex, he was still typing. But, I don’t know… I just don’t want you to think that I’m going to pressure you into something that you’re not ready for. Like, I’m not that guy.

I smiled more. If it was one thing I knew about Ashton in our very short time together, it was that he was one of the good ones.

The rest of the week at school was much like the first day had been. Ashton and I walked from class to class with his arm slung around my shoulders, our fingers intertwined. The classes themselves had progressed from first day formalities to a “let’s get started because we have a lot to cover” pace that I found comfort in. The onslaught of assignments and deadlines made me breathe easier.

Friday, as I was getting everything from my locker at the end of the day, Ashton came up, his hair damp from his shower. “Hey, is it cool if Mike takes you home today?”

I paused what I was doing to stare at him. Ashton had taken me home all week, why didn’t he want to today? Why? Is everything okay? I asked, trying to keep my face neutral.

“Yeah. I just want to take care of a few things at home before I pick you up tonight.”

Are we going somewhere?

“Yeah, we’re going to the drive-in, remember?”

Oh, yeah.

“I’ll pick you up at 7, okay?” He kissed me just long enough for me to feel his lips on mine, but short enough to leave me wishing for more.

At ten minutes to seven, I sat on the couch, fidgeting. I had changed into jeans to ward off any nighttime chill and was debating bringing a jacket, but finally decided that my flannel would be enough. I continued to fidget as the clock got closer to seven, nervous about our first “real” date.

When the doorbell rang- the light in the entryway flashing brightly- I jumped and practically ran to answer the door. “Hey,” Ashton said. “Ready to go?”

Yeah. I smiled, a sense of calm washing over me, all the nerves disappearing.

“Don’t be out too late,” came the warning call from my parents before they let us leave.

The September air was cool against my skin as we drove through town. “We got some time before the movie. You hungry?” he was asking as I took everything in; something I had been doing a lot lately.

Yeah, food sounds good.

He turned to look at me and smiled that breathtaking smile of his.

We sat in the corner booth of the diner, quietly eating. He put a fry in his mouth as I took a sip of my water. “Do you ever drink anything else?” he asked, wiping ketchup from the corner of his mouth.

No, not really.

He pushed his soda glass over to me. “Here, have some.”

I hesitantly took a small sip. The sugary sweetness was both overpowering and refreshing. It’s so sweet! I pushed the glass back over to him.

“But it’s good, isn’t it?”

I nodded. Yeah, it was good.

He laughed and pushed the glass to where we could both reach it easily. “Go for it, we get free refills.”

I took several more drinks as we finished our food.

After we had finished and Ashton paid the bill, we got back in the truck and drove to the drive-in. He paid for the tickets and then pulled into a spot backwards. We can’t see the screen from here. I gestured at the nothingness in front of us.

“Oh, we’re doing this right,” he said with a mischievous grin as he reached into the backseat. He pulled out 2 sleeping bags, a blanket, and 2 big pillows.

I got out of the truck and eyed him suspiciously as he climbed into the bed of the truck with his supplies. He laid out the 2 sleeping bags, one on top of the other. He carefully arranged the pillows near his back window, then he finally spread out the blanket. “Tada!” he gestured at his masterpiece makeshift bed. “Come on,” he held out his hand to help me into the bed.

I sat on the sleeping bags and reclined into the pillows. Okay, this is pretty nice, I admitted.

“Good. Get comfortable. I’m gonna go get us some popcorn and drinks.” He kissed me before he climbed out of the truck.

I stretched out in the makeshift bed, laughing. Only Ashton would be this clever. He had clearly thought of everything. The second sleeping bag added just enough extra padding so lying on the truck bed wasn’t uncomfortable. The pillows provided a soft place to lay my head, and the blanket was thin enough so I wasn’t hot, but thick enough to ward off the September night chill.

Later, I wouldn’t remember the movie. But I would always remember his body pressed up against mine as we stared up at the stars.

When the credits finally rolled we reluctantly got out of the truck bed. I stood there, shivering, suddenly wishing I had brought a jacket. He stopped packing everything to reach into the truck. “Here,” he said, draping a grey zip up hoodie over my shoulders.

I slipped my arms inside and zipped up the hoodie, letting the warmth envelop me.

“Better?” he asked as he went back to cleaning everything up.

I nodded, holding my hands to my mouth and breathing in his scent. Thanks.

He looked over at me and let out a small laugh. “You’re cute, y’know that?”

I believe the word you’re looking for is ‘awkward’.

He stepped towards me and wrapped me in his arms. “No. I meant ‘cute.’ Breathtaking, actually.”

I was grateful it was dark so he couldn’t see how red my face got.

He drove me back home, me watching as his mouth moved to sing with the radio. “Sorry we didn’t actually watch the movie,” he finally said as he pulled up in front of my house.

We never really seem to do what we say we will, do we?

“No, we really don’t,” he laughed. “You still had fun though, right?”

I always have fun with you. It doesn’t matter to me what we do.

“Me too. I’ll see you tomorrow after your doctor’s appointment?”

Yeah, I’ll text you. I hadn’t told him about my decision to get a Cochlear implant. I told him that my doctor’s appointment was just a typical routine checkup thing. I kissed him before I opened my door and hopped out. I closed the door and made my way to the porch.

His hand grabbed my shoulder.

I jumped, startled by his touch, wondering when he had gotten out of the truck to get my attention. What? I asked once I had turned to face him.

“You think you can kiss me like that and then just leave?” he asked.

Yes? I was slightly confused. Was there something I was supposed to do instead?

“You do realize that you just kissed me, right? Like actually kissed me. Not on my cheek, and not without me kissing you first.”

I quickly replayed every kiss we shared in my head. It was true, I hadn’t kissed him once on the lips without him kissing me first. Until two seconds ago. Huh… I suppose I did.

His eyes were shining brightly. “Yeah. You did.”

I shrugged. It was bound to happen sometime. I wasn’t sure why he was making a big deal of it. Maybe if I had taken months to kiss him on my own, that’d be cause for celebration. But a week was hardly anything to make a fuss over.

“Keep doing it,” he said.

If I keep kissing you, we’d never do anything else.

“And that’s a bad thing?” he challenged.

I didn’t say that. I kissed him again. Good night.

“Night,” he breathed as he watched me walk away.

I closed the door behind me and watched out the window as he walked to his truck. He looked at the house one last time, smiling wide. Then, with a laugh and a shake of his head, he got in his truck and drove away. I almost felt bad I was keeping the Cochlear implant a secret, especially from him since he was a huge reason I wanted it. Almost, but I decided that I wanted it to be a surprise for him when I could finally hear that laugh of his for myself.

“Okay, Madison,” Dr. Parker said as she signed, after a series of tests. “It’s gonna be a long journey to surgery and after surgery. But it’s doable, as long as you stay determined.”

Really?!

“Yes, really. As long as you stay determined.”

Oh, I’m determined.

[thesupergamercorpus]

Today I wanted to write about one of my ‘heroes’ or inspirations. The way I look at them is somewhat like this quote:

“Trophies and great men are not only to be gazed upon, but also inspire to do the same.”

I will write down one of the best stories I have read about John von Neumann. But first of all, this is the list he is known for. I will make the ones I think are most popular bold:

Abelian von Neumann algebra, Affiliated operator, Amenable group, Arithmetic logic unit, Artificial viscosity, Axiom of regularity, Axiom of limitation of size, Backward induction, Blast wave (fluid dynamics), Bounded set (topological vector space), Carry-save adder, Cellular automata, Class (set theory), Computer virus, Commutation theorem, Continuous geometry, Coupling constants, Decoherence theory (quantum mechanics), Density matrix, Direct integral, Doubly stochastic matrix, Duality Theorem, Durbin–Watson statistic, EDVAC, Ergodic theory, Explosive lenses, Game theory, Hilbert’s fifth problem, Hyperfinite type II factor, Inner model, Inner model theory, Interior point method, Koopman–von Neumann classical mechanics, Lattice theory, Lifting theory, Merge sort, Middle-square method, Minimax theorem, Monte, Carlo method, Mutual assured destruction, Normal-form game, Operation Greenhouse, Operator theory, Pointless topology, Polarization identity, Pseudorandomness, Pseudorandom number generator, Quantum logic, Quantum mutual information, Quantum statistical mechanics, Radiation implosion, Rank ring, Self-replication, Software whitening, Sorted array, Spectral theory, Standard probability space, Stochastic computing, Stone–von Neumann theorem, Subfactor, Ultrastrong topology, Von Neumann algebra, Von Neumann architecture, Von Neumann bicommutant theorem, Von Neumann cardinal assignment, Von Neumann cellular automaton, Von Neumann interpretation, Von Neumann measurement scheme, Von Neumann ordinals, Von Neumann universal constructor, Von Neumann entropy, Von Neumann Equation, Von Neumann neighborhood, Von Neumann paradox, Von Neumann regular ring, Von Neumann–Bernays–Gödel set theory, Von Neumann universe, Von Neumann spectral theorem, Von Neumann conjecture, Von Neumann ordinal, Von Neumann’s inequality, Von Neumann’s trace inequality, Von Neumann stability analysis, Von Neumann extractor, Von Neumann ergodic theorem, Von Neumann–Morgenstern utility theorem, ZND detonation model

Cellular automata → this one appears to function and replicate like DNA. Cellular automata preceded the discovery of the structure of DNA.

Decoherence theory (quantum mechanics) → quantum states get continuously ‘pushed around’ by external influences (like being observed e.g. the double-slit experiment), which can change their original state. A quantum state resides in a ‘superposition’. Superposition simply means a state where two or more ‘states’ are combined, like an up and down state simultaneously. When that is the case, a quantum system resides in coherence. When observing that system, decoherence, or wave function collapse happens e.g. the original quantum system both had an up and down state simultaneously, but after being observed, now only has either an up state or a down state.

Merge sort → see the chapter 08/31/2019—Top-down, bottom-up thinking, sorting algorithms, and working memory where I discuss this computer sorting algorithm and combine it with top-down and bottom-up thinking.

Self-replication → a machine replicating itself. If machines are also able to upgrade themselves with each replication, a so-called technological singularity can occur (Google it).

Von Neumann architecture → essentially how our computers are built.

Now onto some stories of him. Most information is taken from Wikipedia.

Examination and Ph.D.

He graduated as a chemical engineer from ETH Zurich in 1926 (although Wigner says that von Neumann was never very attached to the subject of chemistry), and passed his final examinations for his Ph.D. in mathematics simultaneously with his chemical engineering degree, of which Wigner wrote, “Evidently a Ph.D. thesis and examination did not constitute an appreciable effort.”

Mastery of mathematics

Stan Ulam, who knew von Neumann well, described his mastery of mathematics this way: “Most mathematicians know one method. For example, Norbert Wiener had mastered Fourier transforms. Some mathematicians have mastered two methods and might really impress someone who knows only one of them. John von Neumann had mastered three methods.” He went on to explain that the three methods were:

A facility with the symbolic manipulation of linear operators;

An intuitive feeling for the logical structure of any new mathematical theory;

An intuitive feeling for the combinatorial superstructure of new theories.

Edward Teller wrote that “Nobody knows all science, not even von Neumann did. But as for mathematics, he contributed to every part of it except number theory and topology. That is, I think, something unique.”

Cognitive abilities

As a six-year-old, he could divide two eight-digit numbers in his head and converse in Ancient Greek. When he was sent at the age of 15 to study advanced calculus under analyst Gábor Szegő, Szegő was so astounded with the boy’s talent in mathematics that he was brought to tears on their first meeting.

Hans Bethe on von Neumann

Nobel Laureate Hans Bethe said “I have sometimes wondered whether a brain like von Neumann’s does not indicate a species superior to that of man”, and later Bethe wrote that “von Neumann’s brain indicated a new species, an evolution beyond man”.

Edward Teller

Edward Teller admitted that he “never could keep up with John von Neumann.”

Teller also said “von Neumann would carry on a conversation with my 3-year-old son, and the two of them would talk as equals, and I sometimes wondered if he used the same principle when he talked to the rest of us.”

George Dantzig

George Dantzig is the mathematician who thought that two problems on the blackboard were homework. He solved them and handed them, albeit a bit later, so he thought they were overdue.

Here’s the plot twist: They were two famous unsolved problems in statistics with which the mathematics community struggled for decades.

When George Dantzig brought von Neumann an unsolved problem in linear programming “as I would to an ordinary mortal”, on which there had been no published literature, he was astonished when von Neumann said “Oh, that!” before offhandedly giving a lecture of over an hour, explaining how to solve the problem using the hitherto unconceived theory of duality.

Johnny as a student

George Pólya, whose lectures at ETH Zürich von Neumann attended as a student, said “Johnny was the only student I was ever afraid of. If in the course of a lecture I stated an unsolved problem, the chances were he’d come to me at the end of the lecture with the complete solution scribbled on a slip of paper.”

Nobel Prizes

Peter Lax wrote, “To gain a measure of von Neumann’s achievements, consider that had he lived a normal span of years, he would certainly have been a recipient of a Nobel Prize in economics. And if there were Nobel Prizes in computer science and mathematics, he would have been honored by these, too. So the writer of these letters should be thought of as a triple Nobel laureate or, possibly, a ​3 1⁄2-fold winner, for his work in physics, in particular, quantum mechanics”.

von Neumann as a teacher

Von Neumann was the subject of many dotty professor stories. He supposedly had the habit of simply writing answers to homework assignments on the board (the method of solution being, of course, obvious). One time one of his students tried to get more helpful information by asking if there was another way to solve the problem. Von Neumann looked blank for a moment, thought, and then answered, “Yes.”

Henry Ford

Henry Ford had ordered a dynamo for one of his plants. The dynamo didn’t work, and not even the manufacturers could figure out why. A Ford employee told his boss that von Neumann was “the smartest man in America,” so Ford called von Neumann and asked him to come out and take a look at the dynamo.

Von Neumann came, looked at the schematics, walked around the dynamo, then took out a pencil. He marked a line on the outside casing and said, “If you’ll go in and cut the coil here, the dynamo will work fine.”

They cut the coil, and the dynamo did work fine. Ford then told von Neumann to send him a bill for the work. Von Neumann sent Ford a bill for $5,000. Ford was astounded – $5,000 was a lot in the 1950s – and asked von Neumann for an itemised account. Here’s what he submitted:

Drawing a line with the pencil: $1

Knowing where to draw the line with the pencil: $4,999

Ford paid the bill.

David Blackwell

Blackwell did a year of postdoctoral research as a fellow at the Institute for Advanced Study in 1941 after receiving a Rosenwald Fellowship. There he met John von Neumann, who asked Blackwell to discuss his Ph.D. thesis with him. Blackwell, who believed that von Neumann was just being polite and not genuinely interested in his work, did not approach him until von Neumann himself asked him again a few months later. According to Blackwell, “He (von Neumann) listened to me talk about this rather obscure subject and in ten minutes he knew more about it than I did.”

von Neumann was the only genius

Von Neumann entered the Lutheran Fasori Evangélikus Gimnázium in 1911. This was one of the best schools in Budapest, part of a brilliant education system designed for the elite. Under the Hungarian system, children received all their education at the one gymnasium. Despite being run by the Lutheran Church, the majority of its pupils were Jewish. The school system produced a generation noted for intellectual achievement. Wigner was a year ahead of von Neumann at the Lutheran School. When asked why the Hungary of his generation had produced so many geniuses, Wigner, who won the Nobel Prize in Physics in 1963, replied that von Neumann was the only genius.”

[ramajmedia]

Grey’s Anatomy: 10 Cristina Yang Quotes To Live By | ScreenRant

Grey's Anatomy is known for its dreamy doctors and steamy romances. Aside from the insane medical cases set to an unforgettable soundtrack, it has also been praised for its undeniably quotable dialogue. The series may have been named for Meredith Grey, but Cristina Yang has always been a fan favorite. The doctor was not only Meredith's "person", but she's also responsible for some of the show's best quotes.

RELATED: Grey's Anatomy: 10 Of The Worst Things Meredith Has Ever Done

Cristina was brilliant, no-nonsense and pretty funny for someone who rarely smiled. Even though she left the series back in season 10, the character is still sorely missed. Let's take a look at 10 of the most memorable things that Dr. Yang has said over the years.

10 “If you want crappy things to stop happening to you, then stop accepting crap and demand something more.”

This season two quote perfectly sums up Cristina Yang’s life philosophy. The doctor doesn’t accept crap from anyone, which is why so few people have ever dared to cross her. Cristina has always known who she is and absolutely refuses to apologize for it.

RELATED: The Worst Thing Each Main Character From Grey's Anatomy Has Done

It’s these qualities that make Cristina such a beloved character. Fans never had to guess what she was thinking. They could always count on her to tell whoever she was talking to exactly how she felt. Cristina was always one of the strongest characters on Grey’s Anatomy. Her words here may not be eloquent, but that doesn’t mean that they’re not true.

9 “She’s my person. If I murdered someone, she’s the person I’d call to help me drag the corpse across the living room floor. She’s my person.”

Nothing else could explain the friendship between Meredith and Cristina quite so well as this quote that Cristina use to explain things to Burke in season 3. While the romance between Meredith and Derek was often at the center of Grey’s Anatomy, it’s easy to see that the heart of the show was always the relationship between Meredith and Cristina.

RELATED: Grey's Anatomy: 10 George O'Malley Quotes That Will Make You Miss Him Even More

They were each other’s “person” for the entire ten years Cristina was on the show and there was amazing chemistry between Ellen Pompeo and Sandra Oh. Whether they were dancing it out or getting through to each other when no one else could, it’s safe to say that neither would’ve survived without the other.

8 “Oh, screw beautiful. I’m brilliant. If you want to appease me, compliment my brain."

One of Cristina Yang’s best qualities has always been her confidence. It’s not like she doesn’t have the skill to back it up. Of course, she would rather be complimented on her brain than her physical appearance. Many women would prefer to hear about how smart they are versus whether or not someone thinks they’re pretty.

RELATED: Grey’s Anatomy: 10 Storylines That Have Aged Poorly

Cristina said these words to Owen in season 7 and by that point, the guy really should have known better. He and Cristina had been involved for years, so he probably knew her well enough to know how such a compliment would go over.

7 “Don’t let what he wants eclipse what you need. He’s very dreamy, but he’s not the sun. You are.”

Cristina said this to Meredith in reference to her relationship with Derek just before leaving Seattle for good in season 10. We’re still not over it. Mer and Der had built quite a life together, but it had gotten to a point where the former needed to start putting her own dreams ahead of the latter’s career. Cristina gave her some valuable life advice one last time.

RELATED: Grey’s Anatomy: 10 Times The Show Broke Our Hearts

Just because Derek was a dreamboat didn’t mean that Meredith should let him make decisions for her. The next season would be hard on Grey’s most famous couple. Sadly, by the time they worked it out, it would be too late.

6 “I don’t have a sour puss. This is just my face.”

No matter how far we come, there still seems to be this idea that women need to smile all the time. When a patient asked for Cristina’s opinion in season 7, he made the mistake of referring to her as “the one with the sour puss on her face.” Cristina responded with this classic statement.

Luckily, she had April there to back her up, lest anyone think that she was kidding. Again, Cristina was a funny person, but it wasn't too often that she cracked a smile. The patient really was just looking at her face. Cristina wasn’t in a bad mood. She was simply existing.

5 “Shut up. Dance it out.”

When asked about important life lessons learned from Grey’s Anatomy, many fans will tell you they learned the value of “dancing it out.” Whatever was going on in Meredith and Cristina’s life, they could always dance their troubles away, at least for a little while. It was even the way the two women spent their final moments together before Cristina moved away.

This comment was made to Meredith in season 4. She was attempting to talk to Cristina yet again about her troubles with Derek... while Cristina was desperately trying to dance out her own issues. Cristina’s response was completely understandable.

4 “I can do hot in my sleep. I look hot in scrubs. I’m a hot person.”

There’s that trademark Yang confidence again. Cristina said this in season 2 before her first proper date with Burke. The two had been sleeping together but had yet to really see one another outside of the hospital. On top of worrying about what dress to wear, Cristina also had to think of stuff to actually say to him in a completely different context.

RELATED: Grey's Anatomy: 10 Of The Most Relatable Quotes From Alex Karev

Thankfully, Cristina wasn’t really concerned over her appearance at all. Sure, she was nervous about the date, but in terms of looking good for Burke, let’s just say she was feeling pretty self-assured. Obviously, he was already crazy about her anyway.

3 Pretty good is not enough, I wanna be great.

Cristina said this in season 5 and it’s another quote that could’ve only really come from her. Not that everyone else on Grey's wasn’t striving for greatness, but she simply wouldn’t accept anything less. For Cristina, in work and life in general, there was no other option.

RELATED: 10 Characters We Wish Would Return To Grey's Anatomy

It wasn’t just that Cristina wanted to be amazing that made it so. She worked hard and remained steadfast in her goals regardless of what life threw at her. We could all stand to think a little more like Cristina, especially in terms of what we’re capable of. Imagine how much you could accomplish with all that confidence.

2 “Being aware of your crap and actually overcoming your crap are two very different things.”

Here’s some more life advice that Cristina gave to Meredith back in season 4. Self-awareness is indeed an important part of the process, but it certainly doesn’t mean that you’ve actually dealt with your issues. Meredith was aware of her “dark and twisty” nature for quite some time before she actually made some real progress.

RELATED: Grey's Anatomy Characters Sorted Into Their Hogwarts Houses

It is true that you can’t fix something until you know it’s broken, but it’s still an uphill battle. Meredith was extremely lucky to have her person beside her for so much of her difficult Grey’s Anatomy journey. Both Meredith and fans would be delighted if Dr. Yang ever returned, even for just a single episode.

1 “Sometimes the future changes quickly and completely, and we’re left with only the choice of what to do next..." 

"We can choose to be afraid of it, to stand there trembling not moving, assuming the worst that can happen or we can step forward into the unknown and assume it will be brilliant.”

Much like Cristina had words of wisdom for Meredith before she left town, Dr. Yang also had some advice for the viewer. Everything in Cristina’s life was about to change and that’s absolutely terrifying. She could’ve chosen to remain where she was out of fear, but instead, she left behind her job, the man she loved and her person behind when she moved out of Seattle.

What Cristina said is so true. Isn’t it better to assume that what comes next will be amazing rather than unbearable? If we imagine the former, it’s almost impossible to breathe, let alone make a move. Cristina persevered and so can we.

NEXT: Grey's Anatomy: 10 Meredith Grey Quotes We Can All Relate To

source https://screenrant.com/greys-anatomy-cristina-yang-quotes-tv-show/

[chocolatequeennk]

An Ever-fixed Mark, 2/2

This is part of A Slight Deviation in Timelines, following Voicemail from the Future. Ten x Rose, proposal and bonding fic. 

This is my apology fic to @lastbluetardis for future angst. It fills the wedding and telepathy squares in my fluffuary card for @legendslikestardust. And it was inspired by this quote prompt from @doctorroseprompts: “Everyone deserves a person who will make their heart forget that it was once broken.”— T.W.

The Doctor had had plans, once. Plans that had been derailed in a barren room in Canary Wharf. But Time has plans of her own, and has brought Rose home. Now, after the slightest deviation from the timelines, it’s time for the Doctor to carry out his plans.

AO3 | FF.NET | TSP | Ch 1

The Doctor would have been content to stand in the snowy woods kissing Rose forever, but only a few minutes had passed when he felt her shiver in his arms. When he looked down at her, bathed in purple light, he couldn’t resist pressing one more kiss to her lips before stepping back and taking her hand.

“Let’s go home, where it’s warm,” he suggested, and she nodded as another shiver shook her body.

“And then once we’ve cuddled in front of the fire and drank our tea, maybe you can tell me what it was you wanted to tell me?” Rose looked up at him as they approached the TARDIS. “Don’t think you’re getting out of that.”

The Doctor shook his head vehemently. “I promise you, I have no intention of getting out of it.”

That was absolutely true, even if thinking about discussing bonding with Rose made his hearts beat unnaturally fast. As if she picked up on his nerves, she brushed her thumb over his. The Doctor felt some of the tension in his shoulders ease; Rose’s touch had always been able to calm him.

They left their outerwear draped over the struts in the console room, then hurried to the library. Two steaming mugs of tea were waiting for them and a fire blazed in the hearth. The Doctor thanked his ship silently, then sat down on the couch and patted the cushion next to him. “Sit with me, love,” he invited. When she cuddled up next to him, he pulled a blanket off the floor and tucked it around their legs.

Once they’d drunk their tea and warmed up nicely, Rose tapped the Doctor’s knee. “Start talking,” she teased, looking up at him with her tongue poking out. “I’m pretty curious, since whatever you have to tell me you thought about saying before you proposed.”

She withdrew her hand from underneath the blanket and admired her ring in the firelight. The Doctor caught her hand and brought it to his lips, pressing a kiss to her palm first, then to the ring newly adorning her finger. Then he laced their hands together and rested them on top of the blanket before taking a deep breath.  

“There was a reason I brought you as close to Gallifrey as possible to propose. There’s… my people…” Rose squeezed his hand, and he smiled at her in thanks. “I may look human, Rose, but I’m very definitely alien. And sometimes, that means I’m used to different customs than you are.”

Rose furrowed her brow when the Doctor paused again. She started to tell him they didn’t need to talk about whatever was on his mind, if it was so difficult, but then she remembered what he’d said before proposing.

I really do want to share this with you.

But she couldn’t just watch him struggle to find the words without trying to help somehow. She thought quickly, then said, “Do you mean Time Lords got married differently somehow?”

The Doctor blinked. “Yes. That’s… how…”

Rose shook her head. “It wasn’t hard to figure out. You brought up different social customs right after proposing to me.” She turned slightly and rested her free hand on his knee. “Go on then, Doctor. What was a Time Lord wedding like?”

The Doctor shook his head, then brushed a piece of hair back over her ear. “Rose Tyler, you are…” He sighed, then took her hand again. “Telepathic, Rose. Time Lord weddings were telepathic.”

As soon as he said it, Rose realised she’d known that, from the start. It wasn’t the first time she’d felt like she’d read the Doctor’s mind, but it was the first time that telepathy was actually the topic.

“That makes sense, since you were telepathic and all.” she said quietly. “Tell me what it was like, your…” She paused and frowned up at the Doctor. “I don’t even know what to call it.”

“A telepathic bond,” he supplied. “Specifically in this case, a marriage bond. Partners were known as bondmates.”

Rose nodded. “All right then. Tell me what a marriage bond would be like.”

The Doctor rested his head against the back of the couch and tried to bring his breathing under control. She’d asked what it would be like, not what it was like. That implied… she seemed to be saying she was interested…

He shook his head quickly and forced himself to focus. You have to tell her what a bond was like before she can make any kind of decision. Of course Rose won’t reject the idea out of hand. That doesn’t mean she’ll be interested once she knows all it entails.

When he looked over at Rose again, the patient love in her eyes encouraged him. “I can only tell you what I’ve heard,” he cautioned. “Even though I was married once, we didn’t have a bond. They’d sort of fallen out of favour by then—the more we evolved as a society, the less interested we were in connecting with others.”

Rose frowned. “That doesn’t sound like much fun.”

“Not really, no.” He pressed his tongue to the back of his teeth, wondering which part of the bond to explain first. “A marriage bond is the deepest telepathic connection two people can have,” he said, finally deciding to start with the part that was most likely to make Rose think twice. “We would still be two minds, but two minds occupying one space.”

“Would we be able to read each other’s minds? I mean, if your mind is in the same place as mine, it sounds like your thoughts would be there too…”

The Doctor clenched his eyes shut. He’d known Rose wouldn’t like that part. “It wouldn’t be as automatic as what you’re imagining, but… yes. There is very little room for privacy in a bond.”

“So…” Rose brushed her thumb over his knuckles. “I would be able to really know you? Every part of you, even the parts you don’t like to talk about?”

His eyes flew open. There was so much longing in her words that for a moment, he thought he could actually feel it. “Yes,” he whispered. “You would know the truest part of me. That’s why Time Lords stopped sharing bonds—they didn’t like how vulnerable it made them to one another.”

“You would trust me with that?”

Rose’s eyes sought his, and the Doctor reached out and cupped her jaw with his hand. “There is no one I trust more, Rose.”

She smiled and turned her head to press a kiss to his palm. “Then I would love to bond with you.”

The Doctor’s hearts leapt, but he shook his head. “There’s more,” he cautioned. The TARDIS grumbled at him, but he refused to rush Rose into this. “I want you to understand all of it before you agree.”

She rolled her eyes and smirked up at him. “I can’t think of anything that would make me change my mind, but if it makes you feel better…”

He leaned down and kissed her, then pulled back and smiled. “It does make me feel better. This is a major life decision, love. It wouldn’t be fair of me to let you accept before you know everything that’s involved.”

Rose gestured for him to continue. “Carry on then, Doctor.”

“So… the word bond kind of implies this part, but just in case… Marriage bonds are unbreakable. During the bonding process, our brain chemistry is permanently altered to allow for the presence of another mind in ours. That’s not something that could be undone.”

Rose blinked, then pulled back and knotted her hands together on her lap. “Not ever?”

The Doctor gaped down at her. He’d never thought this would be the part of bonding Rose would object to. “I thought…” His voice cracked, and he cleared his throat. “You promised to stay with me forever. I thought… but if you don’t want…” He swallowed hard. “We can have an Earth wedding, if this is too much. You and me together, Rose. That’s all I want.”

Tears welled up in Rose’s eyes, and she shook her head fiercely. “Oh, no Doctor! That’s not what I meant. I’m still gonna stay with you forever. But…” She bit her lip, then said, “But my forever doesn’t even come close to yours. I don’t know what it’s like when a bondmate dies, but if your entire brain has changed to be joined to mine, and then I’m gone… I can’t imagine that would feel good.” She reached out and traced her finger over his left eyebrow. “I don’t want to leave you suffering like that for centuries.”

Relief flooded through him. “Oh! But you haven’t let me finish.” Rose arched an eyebrow, and he grinned down at her. “You are absolutely right—losing a bondmate was excruciating. Because of that, if a Time Lord bonded with a non-regenerating species, including ordinary Gallifreyans, the lifespan of the bondmate was extended to match the Time Lord bondmate.”

Rose stilled and her eyes widened. “You mean…”  

The Doctor felt like he was floating above the couch. This was the absolute best part of bonding with Rose, as far as he was concerned. “You can spend the rest of your life with me, Rose… and if we had a bond, I could spend the rest of mine with you.”

Rose stared at her ring for a few minutes, trying to gather the courage to ask her question. The way he described a bond sounded… it was exactly like what she’d wanted to share with him, only she hadn’t known it would be possible.

Even better, it sounded like it could be done without any of the hassle of planning a wedding. Rose didn’t have any family left on Earth, and the thought of going to the effort of planning an Earth wedding just didn’t appeal to her at all.

That just left the question of timing.

“Could we do it right now?”

The Doctor blinked several times in a row. “Right now?” he squeaked. “As in, right here? You in your jeans and me in my suit? No planning or… anything?”

Rose frowned up at the Doctor for a moment; if she didn’t know how much he wanted to bond with her, she’d think he was having second thoughts. But why…

The bottom dropped out of her stomach. “Oh,” she mumbled. “Is there some kind of… of ritual or something? Like are we supposed to wait a certain number of days or wear special clothes? I just thought… It sounds like a bond is something we could do in the privacy of our own home instead of having a big to-do. And I missed you so much while I was gone. I really don’t want to wait any longer than we have to.”

The Doctor chuckled and took both her hands. “We really need to stop talking at cross-purposes, love. I was just surprised you would be so eager. Believe me, if you’re positive you want to share a bond with me, I don’t mind not waiting any longer.”

Rose squeezed his hands. “Then let’s do it, Doctor. Right here. Let’s get married.”

A wave of intense joy momentarily choked the Doctor. I take back everything I said before, he told the TARDIS. Thank you for insisting I get up.

Rose’s head was cocked, and he brushed his thumb over her cheekbone. “The first step is to connect our minds, like we would if I were helping you with nightmares.” He put his hands on her temples and nodded at her. “You too, love. We both need to be an active participant.”

A zing shot through the Doctor when Rose’s fingers touched his temples, and he blinked down at her. That feels like… He shook his head. It must just be the anticipation.

But then he lowered his barriers and her mind flowed into his, filling him with golden light. The Doctor stared at her telepathic presence in awe. Rose… you… you’re telepathic.

The Rose in his mind walked towards him and took his hand. I create myself, my Doctor.

In the library, the Doctor’s fingers trembled on Rose’s temples. Those words had terrified him once, but today, they slotted into Time in a way that felt so right, he couldn’t be afraid. Rose was the Bad Wolf; she would always be the Bad Wolf. She’d created herself for him, and then he had turned around and regenerated into this form for her.

Rose gasped, and the Doctor remembered belatedly that their minds were connected. You chose this body for me?

He smiled sheepishly. Not just the body. The accent, the quirky sense of humour, the willingness to visit your mother… I adored you, and I wanted to be someone you could love in return.

Rose blinked, and golden tears caught on her eyelashes. You daft idiot, she said affectionately. I loved that you, even with all your grumbling about domestics and griping about pretty boys.

The Doctor tamped down his desire to find out what she’d thought of his old self. We can talk about that later. Right now, I think we have business to attend to. He waggled his eyebrows.

Rose laughed. Such a romantic way to refer to our wedding. But okay, let’s get on with it. I feel like this is just… just a tease, a taste. And I’m ready for the rest.

Right, the Doctor said. I’m going to start my end of the bond. When you pick up on what I’m doing, try to copy it as best you can.

Rose closed her eyes when she felt the Doctor move into her mind. This was far more intimate than anything they’d ever done before, and desire rippled through her. The blue of the Doctor’s telepathic presence deepened in response, and she could hear him clear his throat.

Later, he promised. I promise, once we’re bonded…

A flurry of images passed over their fledgling bond. Rose exerted every bit of her control to stay focused on what the Doctor was doing, and not how it made her feel.

Once she caught the rhythm of how he was winding himself around her mind, she stepped into the dance, twisting left when he went right, until the two cords of their minds were twined so tightly that they looked like a single strand.

One last step. The Doctor stood still finally, facing her, and took her hands. A string of Gallifreyan flowed from his lips, and Rose felt her mental space shift as it merged with his. His thoughts and feelings sharpened, as if she’d been looking at them through a haze before and now could see them clearly.

The Doctor smiled. That’s exactly what it should feel like. Oh, Rose. How can you possibly love me so much?

Wrapped as she was in the warmth of the Doctor’s love, Rose couldn’t even answer.

He let go of one of her hands and wiped away a tear she hadn’t realised had fallen. It’s time to tie together our timelines. Are you ready?

Energy thrummed through Rose, and she nodded eagerly. Yes, please. I want to share a forever with you.

He spoke in Gallifreyan again, but this time, their new bond translated it to English for her. Rose Tyler, I pledge myself to you for all my remaining regenerations. The gift that time has given me I now share with you.

Rose waited, but she didn’t feel any different. Was something supposed to happen?

Your timeline refuses to match mine.

A familiar voice hummed through their mind, but for once, instead of just getting a sense of the overall thought the TARDIS was trying to share, Rose heard words.

We are the Bad Wolf, my Thief. You cannot shorten our timeline by binding it to yours, but we can lengthen yours by tying it to ours.

The Doctor sucked in a breath when he felt Rose and the TARDIS take his timeline in their hands and stretch it between them, until it matched theirs. Decades grew into centuries, centuries became millennia.

This was who they were now. The Doctor in the TARDIS with Rose Tyler, no longer just travelling in time, but now living with time in their veins. There was an absolute rightness in that knowledge that felt like a fixed point, and he knew that even if Rose hadn’t found her way home to him now, this would have happened eventually.

Visions of Donna Noble and Daleks and a duplicate version of himself filled his time senses, then were quickly replaced by Rose and Donna laughing together as they talked to Agatha Christie. Dizziness crept up on him, as it always did when timelines shifted.  

The feeling slowly faded, along with the glimpses he’d caught of their future. When the Doctor came back to himself, he was no longer deep in Rose’s telepathic embrace. The fire crackled merrily in the hearth, the TARDIS hummed smugly, and Rose…

Rose was smiling at him with the golden light of time still faintly visible in her eyes. “I did promise you forever,” she reminded him.

The Doctor laughed and pulled her into his lap. “Yes, you did.” He bumped his nose against hers. “I should have known you would find a way to make that promise come true.”

She tilted her head back, and that wasn’t an invitation he could resist. He slotted his lips over hers, suckling at her bottom lip before he nipped at it lightly. Any cockiness he felt when he heard her moan disappeared when she scraped her nails through the short hairs at the nape of his neck.

Rose, he groaned as he swept his tongue into her mouth.

Yes, Doctor? Her tongue met his, then darted back into her own mouth as she teased him.

The Doctor gathered his rapidly dwindling self control and  stood up, holding Rose up in a bridal carry. She shrieked with laughter and wrapped her arms around his neck, and some of his earlier smugness returned.

Rose raised an eyebrow and moved one hand around to undo his tie and the top three buttons of his shirt. He groaned and nearly dropped her when she licked at his neck before sucking on his Adam’s apple.

“Just wait a few minutes, love,” he said, his voice raspier than he’d anticipated.

She hummed, then pulled back and looked up at him. “Where are you taking me?”

He sighed in gratitude and adjusted his hold on her before pushing the door open with his shoulder and stepping into the corridor. “Back to our room. As comfy as that couch is, I have no intention of spending our wedding night in the library.”

Rose’s impish humour flared over the bond, and the Doctor arched an eyebrow. She winked up at him. “I guess we have plenty of time to christen all the rooms of the TARDIS,” she mused. “After all, today is just the first day of our forever.”

The Doctor’s throat closed up, and he carefully set Rose back down on her feet in front of their bedroom door. “Yes, it is,” he agreed. “And I can’t wait to spend forever with you.”

[decaffeinateddefendorduck]

crazy is as crazy does, part 5

THE NEXT DAY

Happy enters the garage to find Deputy Director Cooper already there with a mission for Scorpion.

“Finally! Happy, we’re going on a mission for Homeland, Toby is staying here to keep an eye on his Mother, but we’ll need you in the field.  Ready?” asked Walter.

The team filed out, leaving Toby sitting at his desk staring over at the elevator section of the garage, where his mother emerges with a pair of scissors.  

“And what are you doing with those?” he asked her.

“Obviously opening a vein,” she says sarcastically.  Seeing his terrified look makes her explain. “I’m breaking down the boxes, they aren’t very pretty. I’m sure you would rather I not use a box cutter, hence the scissors. I should probably save them for the next move, where would you like them?”  Jane turned an innocent smile up at him waiting for his reply.

“You’re right, no box cutters.  I’ll help you put them in storage.  So you’re almost done?  Less than twenty-four hours, that’s pretty amazing.”

Jane approaches Toby and puts a hand on his face.  “Where did all of your friends go, Sonny?  Don’t they want to play with you today?  Am I hindering your” she hunts for a hip sounding word “mojo? Do the kids still say mojo?  It’s been awhile since I’ve been around kids.”

Ignoring this last part Toby replies, “They wanted me to go and play with them but we don’t exactly trust you to be here alone.”

“I am a grown woman Tobias.  You can go and play if you want to.  I have a project to complete. Top Secret! I’ll be good. I promise.”  Her promise was made deviantly and with her fingers crossed and help out in front of Toby’s face.

“A project already, huh?  Care to share the details, after all I am family.”

“No, I said Top Secret!  Didn’t you hear the capital letters in my inflection?  It’s an enigma you’ll have to solve.  Like me.” And with that she went and started breaking down the boxes.  Toby took her first load to the storage area and on his way to get a second one Walter called, needing help on the mission. Walter asked Toby if he could leave his mother for a short time to go to a local office where they needed some of his behaviorist skills.  He agreed and warned his mother to be good, then left her in the garage alone.

Jane finished with the boxes and looked around at the silence, then went on a little tour, looking through the entire garage and collecting materials for her project.  She took 15 of Sylvester’s pencils, twine from Happy’s shelves, glue from Toby’s chemistry and medical supplies, markers and ribbons from her own supplies.  When she first made it to the doll house she froze in complete euphoria, wondering how she could be so lucky. After gathering the rest of the materials, she piled them around on the floor by the doll house, making herself invisible from the garage’s various openings.  Jane set to work making dolls out of the pencils and arranging them in various tableaux in the doll house.

On finishing his errand for the team, Toby made his way back to the garage. He didn’t see or hear his mother, so he started to look for her, but Walter called again just then asking for computer support.  While on the phone, Walter asked why Toby was playing music when he should be focused on the case.   Toby hadn’t noticed it until Walter pointed it out, but he recognized it at once. Toby looked around from his spot at the monitors and found his mother sitting on the floor behind the doll house. Terror instantly arose through him. he knows how Happy hates people touching her things and messing with her doll house, but that was second only to the fright of seeing his mother creating something.  He needed to finish with Walter, so he told Walter he couldn’t stop the music but that it wasn’t interfering with his work, “it’s a radio I have yet to learn which button to push to turn it off.”

“What?” Walter demanded.

“It’s my mother singing.” Toby admitted.  Since she had sung to herself his whole life, he didn’t automatically hear it anymore, but could recognize it when it was pointed out to him.

After finishing with this particular crisis in the case, Toby started to approach his mother, who jumped up to hide her work when she noticed him.

“Don’t you come any closer.  You can’t see this just yet!  If’n you need some lovin’ you just let me know and I’ll come to you.”  She adopted an awful Southern accent to sweeten up her scolding, but she really just wanted him to leave her alone so she could work.

“Cordelia, are you feeling alright?”  Toby asked hesitantly.

The garage door opened right then with a special delivery from Brooklyn. Toby left his mother, who was smiling innocently up at him, to get the package, once he was gone she went back to her craft.  Toby took the package to his desk and stared in disbelief at the sheer volume of pills with his mother’s name on them.  He started making a list of the doctors on the labels and calling them to get her diagnoses.  While he was finishing up on the phone, yelling at several East Coast doctors and their nurses, Jane started arranging things in the doll house.  Then she simply stated “it’s coming” and went on with her work.

Toby heard his mother say something, and then the words registered.  They reminded him of when he was young. His mother would let his father and him know that she was changing from high to low, and this was her saying that the low was on its way.  He hung up with the doctor he was just yelling at and approached his mother gingerly and asked if she would like to go and lay down.  She declined.

“I have to finish this.  I’m almost done, then I’ll go to my pretty place for awhile, I think.”

Toby took this to mean the elevator, which she had taken the entire night beautifying. He wasn’t able to get her to leave. He walked away from her unsure if it was safe to do so at the same moment that the rest of the team came in for a problem solving session. Once the problem was solved it was determined that Toby needed to go with team this time, but that Happy could stay behind to watch Jane.  Unhappy about this, Happy asked Toby, “Do I need to know anything special about how to deal with her?  Do I need anything other than your number on speed dial?”

Smiling down at her, Toby answered “Her mania is ending, so once she’s done with her project she should just go into the elevator and sleep.” Using air quotes he added, “her pretty place. She may try to find a drinky-poo.  Try to keep her from the booze, but if she insists I’d rather her drink then hurt you, or herself.”

The team left and Happy kept her distance from Toby’s mother, her future mother-in-law.  Not long after the team was gone, Jane got up and danced across the floor, asked the room in general where the little girl’s room was and exited.  Since she was going in the right direction, Happy left her to it.

Happy took a deep breath and settled down at her computer.  After ten minutes without any sound from the direction of the restrooms, she decided that she should go over to see if Jane was okay.  Not having been told what to call her, Happy called out “Mrs. Curtis? Jane?  Toby’s mom?”  She didn’t get an answer so she pushed in the door and ran into Jane on her way out. Jane winced a bit, but stood up to her full height and said, “I guess it’s time that we had ourselves a little pow-wow.”

Happy’s shocked face was ignored by Jane who grabbed Happy by the hand and led her to the elevator which was completely transformed.  There was a curtain of ribbons hanging over the door that opened onto a new-looking space with fabric covering every wall. There were cushions and blankets covering the floor, books stacked against the back wall, and what looked like a nest in the middle of the small room.  Jane sat down in the center of the nest and patted the ground in front of her.  Happy cringed at the girlyness of everything in the room and sat down slowly across from the woman who gave Toby life.

Jan started talking and Happy just listened.

“I’m sure Toby has told you of my mental state. He is fond of finding alternative ways to tell the world that I am” she pauses a little “crazy. That isn’t entirely accurate. Especially at moments like this, the Twilight Time, I call it. The mania is receding and the Depression hasn’t yet nestled in, but it is on its way, I can feel it seeping in around the corners of my mind.” Here she shakes her head, like she may be able to shake it out.  “I haven’t always been like this, you know. I had a lucid childhood and teenage experience. I met Toby’s father and we had a normal wedding and the beginning of our life together was good. After I had Toby I had pretty bad postpartum depression (he doesn’t know this) and I self-medicated, which didn’t help. The first time my soon-to-be-ex-husband took me to get evaluated, the crackpot, discount shrink put me on high doses of Lithium which messed with the natural metals and chemicals in my brain, switching on an inherited genetic marker that I had successfully avoided until then.  The first time I tried to stop taking the Lithium, the mania hit.  My poor Sonny boy was five, already working through the top levels of the elementary school curriculum and we went on a bender through the education system that had him testing out of anything I could find to test him on.  Pre-internet, the tests were a little harder to find than I’m sure they are today, but it gave him the rush that probably started his gambling addiction (also fed by his father’s gambling) and fueled my disease.

“That first episode lasted a week, which was the most fun Tobias and I have ever had together. When the depression returned, I could see it hurting him, since he thought he was to blame. I did find some medical journals and books for him to read that told that story of other women who had gone through mental disorders, so he would understand that it wasn’t his fault. Mistakenly he thought it was his responsibility to fix me. He finished high school at 12 and started pre-med classes at local colleges. He worked his way into Harvard and then tried to diagnose and medicate me. He’s always been too close to be able to see what’s really wrong, and he blames himself, like kids do. So the gambling was a retreat for him, which led him to be chased across the country by all of the people be was better than at cards.  He did get into trouble a lot while he was growing up, but he was just looking for attention. Attention my drug and alcohol addled brain wouldn’t allow me to give him and that his father couldn’t give him. Toby reminds his father, more than I do, of how he ended up with Bertha, the first Mrs. Rochester, and that I prevented him from finding his Jane Eyre.”

As Jane talked, her speech became slower and quieter, the depression sinking in, Happy thought.  When it seemed she had finished her story she slid down onto her side and fell asleep. Happy wasn’t sure what exactly had just happened, or how to feel about all of this information, so she just covered Jane with a blanket and started to leave.  As she got to the door Jane jerked awake, she looked up and around.  When she spotted Happy at the door she weakly said, “I think you should call me Millie.  I can’t stand the thought of being called someone’s mother-in-law, but the acronym lends itself to Millie.  Love him.” she looked deep into Happy’s eyes as she said her last words and then dropped her head and fell asleep again.

[theawkwardroseblog-blog]

An open letter about my anxiety

You Know Who You Are:

From as early as I can safely recall—since around the age of five years old—I have known there was something different about me. There is a specific instance where I looked at the neighbor kids playing outside and questioning why things weren’t as great as the way they used to be and missing the times where things were easy and I didn’t have a lot to care about... and I was only around five or six years old. I remember staring out the window as the sun set in the sky and worrying as to whether I would see it rise again the next day, when most children only worried about whether or not they were going to be the line leader or if they had to learn phonics that day. I remember during middle school, around the age of ten or eleven, experiencing these bursts of crippling fear that would leave me paralyzed on the floor in the fetal position—crying, hyperventilating, shaking, and being encompassed by this overall feeling of panic. It was not until high school when I was able to find a proper label for these episodes and overall feelings: anxiety.

[In 2015, this was accurate.. I have been able to be almost completely free of panic attacks for a couple years.] I am diagnosed with Panic Disorder, and I have been told that I have characteristics of Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). [GAD has since been confirmed, and my Panic Disorder is now in remission.] According to the American Psychiatric Association (APA), the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) criteria for panic disorder consists as follows:

Unexpected recurring panic attacks consisting of at least four (or more) specified symptoms (shaking, fear of “going crazy,” sweating, shortness of breath, derealization, heart palpitations, nausea, etc.)

A month or more of either or both a) fear of panic attacks or their consequences or b) a “maladaptive change” in behavior (ex: avoiding places due to fear of a panic attack occurring)

In addition, these attacks may not better be explained by the use of a substance, by another mental disorder, or by some other medical condition. In short, GAD is persistent worrying and uncontrollable thoughts of fear. After toying with various forms of medication and cognitive-behavioral methods, I was being treated solely through psychiatric treatment, which has done wonders for managing my disorder along with utilizing the techniques given to me during my time in therapy. As of today, I am actively searching for a new therapist to begin seeing regularly again.

I would like to take the opportunity to address various players within my life who have made an impact on my struggle with mental illness and to use my own story to help eliminate the stigma associated with the diagnosis of a mental illness and receiving treatment. I also intend to address the unrealistic expectations within the medical model because mental illness can only be managed and not “cured.” I do not believe in naming names, for the sake of others’ reputations, but to all of those I implicitly mention: You know who you are.

In terms of background, I used to become especially anxious when it came to meeting a boy’s friends within a relationship. Why? Well, the first time I did—in my first relationship—I was ridiculed and treated like an accessory, and to top it all off: Upon discovering I wanted to go into psychology, one of his friends actually said, and I quote, “Depression is all in a person’s head. They need to just get over it.” [Edit: the person who said that has recently gotten help for depression and is on medication. I am glad you have found your way to receiving help, and I’m sorry you were suffering in denial for so long.] To the skater boy (“she said, ‘see you later, boy’”): thank you. Without you, my anxiety would not have escalated to an all-time high, and I would not have sought out treatment. I was naive at the time: you were my best friend who weaseled his way into being my second relationship. When I refused to leave the house to be isolated with your friends because I was one negative trigger away from having an attack, I realized that something needed to change. Without your harsh verbal and emotional berating as a result of my resistance, I would have not have gotten the help I needed. I would have continued to live my life in fear of having a panic attack, while experiencing one nearly every single day. During a fairly turbulent time within my life, your negative behavior towards me lead to an ultimately positive impact that has changed my life for the better, so once again: thank you. [Edit: This part you just read is immature, but I left it in to demonstrate growth in my journey. This boy was going through problems himself at the time that he had yet to discover, and surprisingly, we ended up being more alike than we would’ve ever guessed. I hope you continue on your path of self-discovery, and hopefully find a working treatment for your bipolar disorder. Before we dated, you helped me through an incredibly tough time in my life and were always there to listen. I will forever be grateful for your friendship.]

To my sister from another family: I would like to address both you and your mom. Thank you for encouraging me to get help from a therapist. Even though you had no idea that I had a mental illness and you only encouraged grief counseling, I would have never overcome my fear of talking to my mom about seeing a professional without you. Thank you for letting me cry in your bathtub on the day I told you about my diagnosis, and thank you for being my rock. I would not be where I am today without you. You are my second family. I love you, and I am so grateful for all that you have done for me.

To my neurotic partner in crime: Thank you for being an overall inspiration to me. I would have never have sought a clinical therapist or psychiatric help if I would have never met you. The fact that you were brave enough to share your story with me and to tell me what helped you when dealing with anxiety has made all the difference within my life. Thank you for showing me the social worker who kept the conversation going and helped me conquer my fear of therapy. Without you, I would not be on the medication that keeps my brain chemistry in check, I would not have experienced cognitive-behavioral therapy, and I would continue to have panic attacks every day. Thank you for all of your advice and love and “popping pills” with me at 11:11 PM every day.

Mom: I never thought you would understand. I lived in fear for so long about going to you for help because of the social stigma surrounding mental illnesses. That infamous day during senior year of high school where I was physically shaking when I texted you about receiving help, I had anxiety about receiving help for my anxiety. I was convinced you would tell me ‘no’ or get mad or refuse to pay for treatment or tell me that it was unnecessary, but you have done exactly the opposite. I am so thankful for your support. Thank you for sitting in on my psychiatry sessions when I was still a minor and being strong when you first heard about all of the horrific symptoms your own child was experiencing. I know you had no idea… No one else did either. I kept it hidden for as long as I could.

There is no shame in receiving treatment for a mental illness. It is no different than any other disease, with the exception that the illness may not be fully recognizable by anyone walking down the street--it can be referred to as an “invisible illness.” I would like to pose a question: Would you criticize a diabetic for monitoring their glucose levels or taking insulin shots? Mental illness is a serious issue. I like to use the diabetic analogy when discussing the course of and treatment for mental illness. With Type 1 diabetes, those diagnosed have visible symptoms from the time of childhood into the rest of their lives, and with Type 2, one is genetically predisposed to potentially develop the disease, but environmental factors can play a role in whether or not the disease actually manifests. Either way, one must monitor their diet and glucose levels, take their insulin shots, and have more routine check-ups than the average person. The same is with mental illness. We cannot simply “get over it” or take a pill and feel normal again. We must use a variety of methods to manage our disease, as well as monitor our diet, exercise habits, and overall life choices. If you would not condemn a diabetic for taking insulin shots to regulate their glucose levels, then why would you condemn someone with major depressive disorder (MDD) for taking Prozac to regulate their levels of serotonin?

I will fully admit that treatment for mental illness is a tricky subject because modern psychology and psychiatry has still not perfected treatment for many disorders. With medication, it can be compared to a “guess and check” form of treatment. For me: “We’ll put you on Zoloft. It’s one of the most prescribed prescription drugs. Oh, you’re depressed now too? Well, let’s switch you to Lexapro. Not working to a maximum capacity? Well, let’s up the dosage and put you on BuSpar as well.” Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) in addition is another popular method for those with anxiety to help regulate their maladaptive thoughts and in my case, find strategies to help reduce panic attacks. It is a common form of therapy to help with anxiety and for good reason. CBT focuses on changing the way one thinks in order to improve behavior as well as utilizing various relaxation and exposure techniques in order for people to more efficiently live their lives. CBT has ultimately changed my views on my disorder and has definitely improved my life tenfold.

The medical model aims to “cure” mental illness--take some magic pill or attend some therapy sessions--and everything will be okay, but I am saddened to say that it is not possible. It is wrong to think that mental illness is completely curable. Our diseases can only be managed, and even then, we have potential to relapse. In fact, only one-third of panic disorder patients achieve remission, and one in five diagnosed have unrelenting and chronic life-long symptoms. In addition, according to a study by Dr. Paul Andrews, 49% of patients who take antidepressants are likely to relapse after discontinuing treatment, in comparison to the 25% of those who have never taken medication. There are also many negative side-effects associated with taking antidepressants and attempting to taper off of them after long-term treatment. Instead, the medical model should focus on improving methods of managing the disease in order to go above and beyond the current goal of treatment: allowing clients to function in their everyday lives. We should aim for those diagnosed with mental illnesses to be able to see a brighter future and not have to worry about passing on the disease to their children. They should be able to focus on living their lives, rather than focus on being “functional.”

Another goal we should try to achieve is changing the conversation. One reason why mental illness is so stigmatized is because of the everyday vernacular used by those who are completely uninformed. Mental illness is seen as “lesser” by the rest of society because if someone is unable to find their pencil, they will say they are going to have a “panic attack.” (This was an actual instance I witnessed.) And no, you are not “ADHD” because you got side-tracked during a conversation, you are not “going to kill yourself” because you have two tests tomorrow, and that skinny girl you are referring to is not “anorexic” because of her high metabolism. The words we use carry a lot of meaning and are so important to the social aspect of how others perceive mental illness. If we do something as simple as change the words we use in everyday conversation, we can initiate a wave of change that will eliminate a stigma that affects so many people.

One in five American adults experience a mental illness within their lifetime, and 60% of this population do not receive treatment. I encourage all those who suffer from mental illness to get help because you do not have to suffer in silence. For those who are already diagnosed: speak up. If my “neurotic partner in crime” never discussed her panic attacks with me or if my “sister” never described how much therapy helped her during a tough time, I would have never sought help. We must change the conversation and share our own stories. Mental illness should not be seen as “lesser” than any other disease. If more people speak up, we will call more attention to how serious these diseases are, and more people will get help. I know that I am not alone, and I want all those who suffer to know that they are not either. Stay alive, and stay beautiful.

With love,

Stephanie

Citations for these statistics are in the original essay. This is a very early draft of my story, but here is where I was in 2015, with some future Steph commentary/updates laced in.

[easyweight101]

Adderin Review: Don’t Buy Before You Read This!

What is it?

Adderin is a product that claims to mimic the effects of Adderall, the prescription ADD medication. Their advertising claims that it is used for increasing focus levels and attention span, as well as increasing energy levels and memory function.

They say that their products help boost circulatory rates, especially to the brain, and that it helps neurotransmitters work more efficiently. Adderin’s advertising suggests that their product can be helpful for students, working professionals, and elderly individuals looking to reverse the effects of cognitive decline.

The most potent mental performance booster on the market is Memotenz. It has demonstrated in our experts’ trials significant increases in users’ memory and thinking abilities. Click here to see a full review for Memotenz.

Do You Know the Best Brain Enhancement Supplements of 2017?

Adderin Ingredients and Side Effects

Adderin does not publish their ingredients anywhere online. They do not include images of their nutrition labels, nor do they even highlight any specific chemicals in their advertising.

Fortunately, there are some consumer watchdog sites that have published images of the nutrition labels of Adderin. These are some of the contents included in Adderin, according to those images:

Caffeine Bacopa Monnieri FD&C Yellow #5, Red #3

Caffeine: The most commonly consumed central nervous system worldwide. It is available in many forms and from many sources, however it is most famous for giving coffee, tea, and colas their energy “kick.”

Caffeine can have some possible benefits for mental performance in some cases, however it is not technically considered a nootropic aid.

Nootropics are those agents that directly and positively affect brain function, especially in ways that improve learning, thinking speed and accuracy, and other metrics of mental performance. Caffeine affects individuals’ fatigue levels, which can have an impact on attention and learning, however it has not been shown to have a positive effect on already awake, alert, or stimulated individuals.

In many cases, caffeine can be counterproductive. It can lead to loss of attention span and inability to focus, and it can be followed by a “crashing” period where users become very fatigued and lose considerable mental function.

There is also a serious risk of potentially experiencing overdose or side effects from taking caffeine. It is possible that users may experience any of the following:

Headaches and dizziness

Elevated blood pressure

Irritability

Anxiety and paranoia

Heart palpitations and arrhythmia

Heart attack

Stroke

Death

Caffeine is also both chemically addictive and easy to build up a tolerance toward. Users can reach a point where they feel as though they require caffeine, however it does not seem to positively affect them. It is not recommended as an ingredient for supplements of this nature.

Bacopa Monnieri: An incredibly helpful nootropic supplement that is renowned for its ability to improve users’ memory capabilities, among other benefits. It was cultivated first in India and is often sold under the name brahmi; in its natural flowering state it is often referred to as water hyssop.

Bacopa is most helpful as a nootropic aid because of its positive effects on the brain’s dendrites – the connective tissue of the central nervous system. It also has benefits for increasing cerebral blood flow and for improving mood and subjective well-being.

Bacopa is an adaptogen that helps the brain deal with stress and anxiety, and may be helpful in dopamine and serotonin function. It is one of the most highly recommended nootropic ingredients on the market today.

FD&C Yellow #5 and Red #3: Two food dyes that have no nutritional or medicinal value. They only server to make Adderin more visually appealing.

These food dyes, however, have both been possibly linked to a number of different very serious potential health consequences. It is possible that taking yellow #5 can lead to:

Asthma

Migraines

Anxiety and depression

Itchy and spotted skin

Blurred vision

Red #3 has been potentially linked to these conditions:

Changes in DNA

Liver damage

ADD and changes in brain chemistry

Behavioral effects

Both dyes have been shown to increase the risk of potentially contracting thyroid cancer, which can be deadly. The FDA has attempted to ban both dyes, however they are cheaper than many of the alternatives so food and drug manufacturers have resisted those changes, despite their demonstrated risks to public health.

Click here to see our experts’ rankings of the top ten nootropic supplements on the market today.

EDITOR’S TIP: Combine this product with a proven brain enhancement supplement such as Memotenz for better results.

Adderin Quality of Ingredients

One of the main reasons that companies like Adderin resist publishing their ingredients list is because they are aware that they are using dangerous and substandard ingredients and they don’t want potential customers to be dissuaded from their purchases.

The manufacturers of Adderin are aware that they are using low-grade stimulants and dangerous, unhelpful food dyes in their products. Despite this, they have still made the choice to provide a product that looks pleasing and provides a noticeable “boosting” feeling instead of manufacturing a product that will be successful in the long term.

Our team does not recommend any nootropic supplement that uses either caffeine or artificial food dyes in their products. Bacopa monnieri is one of the best nootropic ingredients on the market today, and it is easy to find in other products with more reputable contents around it.

Potential customers should note that despite the impression given in their advertisements, Adderin is not in any way an approved ADD medication. It should in no way be considered a substitute for proper medical or psychiatric care.

Follow this link to find the nootropic product that will work the best for your specific brain chemistry and performance needs.

The Price and Quality of Adderin

Adderin is one of the most expensive nootropic products on the market today. They are only sold through their home website, and these are the retail prices that they quote:

1, 60-count bottle (30-day supply) of Adderin tablets: $92.50

3, 60-count bottles (90-day supply) of Adderin tablets: $277.50

5, 60-count bottles (150-day supply) of Adderin tablets: $462.50

While they do frequently run sales, even with a steep discount these prices are far higher than the vast majority of products of this nature.

For data about the best ways to maximize mental capacity and performance, click on this link.

Business of Adderin

Adderin is a holding of KNH Online Limited and Penfold Trading Estate. There is very little publically available information about either of these corporate entities, however they do provide this contact information:

Phone Number: (727) 498-4811

Address: 475 Central Ave, Suite M4

St. Petersburg, FL 33701

Email: support@adderin.com

Users should be aware that there are a number of advertisements for Adderin that contain false and misleading information. They claim that CNN and MSNBC have endorsed their products, however the links that they provide are clearly falsified. There is no record of Adderin being endorsed by any outside body.

To learn more about which nootropics are the most effective for increasing memory, thinking speed, and attention span, just follow this link.

EDITOR’S TIP: For the best results, our experts recommend using brain enhancement supplements for at least 3 months. Save your money by buying a few bottles at once.

Customer Opinions of Adderin

The reactions of customers to their experiences with Adderin have been very negative. Stories from the consumer watchdog sites mentioned earlier included these comments:

“I thought that this stuff was supposed to help you focus? I took this stuff to help me cram and I felt wired and out of control for like an hour, then totally crashed and slept through my test.”

“I took Adderin around noon before a meeting. I was a total spaz during the meeting and couldn’t get my thoughts together, then I had diarrhea all the rest of the day.”

“I guess this stuff kinda works for a while, but then I get really foggy. Not effective for long days, and it messed with my stomach.”

Many reviews followed a similar pattern of noticeable immediate boost, probably due to the caffeine content, followed by a hard crash. There were no accounts that suggested it was effective for focus or attention.

Click here to see the most up-to-date ratings of nootropic aids found anywhere online.

Conclusion – Does Adderin Work?

It is not our teams’ policy to recommend any product that will not publish their ingredients. Quality manufacturers stand by their products, and just the sign that they are reluctant to disclose what is in their blend is a sign that users should not trust it.

It is understandable why Adderin feels they have to hide their contents. They use low-grade additives that can be dangerous to users in the long run. Our team does not recommend any product that uses either caffeine or harmful dyes in their ingredients blend.

The most beneficial ingredient that they use is bacopa monnieri. Fortunately it is available in a number of other products that have far more safe and effective ingredients mixtures.

One prominent nootropic supplement that uses bacopa is Memotenz. They are the product with the top-rated ingredients blend, according to our team of experts.

There is no caffeine or artificial food dyes in their pills, however they do feature herbs and amino acids that have proven histories of effectiveness. Click here to see everything that goes into Memotenz’s proprietary formula.

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