Her fingers are cold against the the door handle, her breath released in in a small puff before her. The lights from the inside were illuminating half of her face. But she could not turn the knob. Her mind was lost in thought about what lay beyond. A man, a room, a hug and a kiss. Empty of true meaning but comforting just the same. Her mind raged against it, her heart felt heavy and sad. Through the window she could see him sitting on the couch and playing on his phone. He hadn't heard her pull up. He couldn't feel the tension just outside the door. He had no inkling of the turmoil inside her.
She could enter. She could swing the door open and waltz in with her smile and he would ask her how her day was. He would sound vaguely interested as she answered and he would continue to play on his phone. She would sit next to him and set her things down. They'd be silent for a bit while he tried to focus on her. Eventually they would discuss the world and maybe laugh. She would slide her feet under his thigh to fit the chill in the air and he would rest his hand on her knee and talk about work. They'd sit comfortably before going into the kitchen to eat. There, they would laugh and debate societal rules until it was time to head to the bedroom. Once in the room, they'd undress and slip between the sheets. He would make her moan and arch into him and she would make him lose himself. Between breaths afterwards, she would stare at his silhouette in the dark and wish she could whisper sweet nothings into his ear.
But that was not what they had agreed to. She convinced herself she could do it, be casual with him. She told herself she didn't need more from him. Standing in the dark outside his door, she knew, though. She knew she could not keep playing with fire. None of her friends understood. She didn't want to play a game, she didn't want to surrender to someone else, pointlessly. She desperately craved an equal. She craved an intentional relationship. She ached for love. A hopeless romantic, perhaps. And this man, she could see it. And it killed her all the more. Because when she looked into his eyes she could picture the future. She liked what she saw. He was everything she wanted in a man. Her heart throbbed with a need that went beyond sexual intimacy. Her heart was lonely in a way that roaming hands in the dark couldn't satisfy.
Everyone was telling her to just go with the flow, to relax. But each day she stood outside this door she felt herself slipping further into the quicksand. Each day she sacrificed her heart. She was terrified of wasting her time, and yet here she was, waiting on someone who had told her the limits to his interest. Hoping for him to change his mind.
Her icy fingers slipped off the door handle. Her phone buzzed in her pocket. She could see through the window that it was him calling. He wanted to know where she was. If everything was okay. It felt like a weight in her pocket, vibrating quietly. She staggered backward, pushing herself up against the garage and stared into the sky. Stars twinkled softly down at her, as if trying to spur her into action. She released a heavy sigh and watched the white cloud disperse slowly above her.
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