#truly amazing how much it helps to just not get way behind lolol

[hudders-and-hiddles]

YEAH BINCH

[ootahime]

analyzing every gojohime moment in the manga >:) pt. 3

more and more paragraphs ahead.  BE PREPARED!

i’m also writing this at 3 am so please bear with the horrendous grammar and punctuation.

chapter 63

i know he’s probably like this with everyone but i love how excited he is bragging about his students to her.  he’s like a child telling his mother about an amazing adventure he had with his friends, making sure he mentions every detail.  in the anime, their conversation lasted for 3:41 :3 backwards 341 is 143 which means i love you.  

1 letter = i

4 letters = love

3 letters = you

chapter 63

i love her fit!  i also like how both of them like to wear baggy clothing that accentuates their collarbones `w` it’s like they’re matching in a way.  even if she did tell him to cut the crap, she still let him run his mouth to his content LOL i feel like if he didn’t compliment himself at the end, she would have said something different.  UGH HE LOOKS SO HAPPY CALLING HER

 ah, let me translate the conversation just in case anyone needs it.

utahime: you wanted to talk about the investigation, right?

gojo: well, got any idea who?

utahime: i have no idea.  no one seems suspicious.  what do we do now?  should we ask the students for help?

gojo: yeah, that’s fine.  i’m busy so asking the kids would be okay.  keep looking.  i’m counting on you.

I THINK THAT’S WHAT THEY’RE TRYING TO SAY.

OR it could mean that she’s asking if they should start investigating the students.  it would make sense either way because gojo says in the next panel that he doesn’t want to assume that the mole is a student, and in chapter 79, gojo sends the trio to utahime to help her.  

chapter 63

these two love their students to death.  neither of them wanted to assume that the mole was a student.  in chapter 79, when utahime is talking to the trio about the mole, nobara points out to the group that the traitor must be from kyoto because utahime is the one who’s reaching out to the tokyo side.  utahime has a dismal look on her face, almost like she’s saying, “i didn’t want it to turn out this way -- for this to be true.”  after mechamaru says his farewells to miwa on the train, mai tries to talk about what he did to which utahime says, “it doesn’t matter, he’s dead, after all,” with a similar sunken expression.  i just love how her care for the students is one of the biggest aspects of her personality that’s been showcased so far.  it’s also cool how it ties together with gojo’s belief that no child’s youth should be taken away.  i truly think these two have the capacity to understand each other to a deep level, down to the core.  seeing as utahime is also a teacher, it’s safe to assume that she also wants to raise the next generation of sorcerers to be strong.  utahime and gojo’s similarities and contrasting elements are so interwined, i really wonder if it’s intentional.  like am i looking too much into this?  are utahime and gojo really meant to be this connected?  think about it.  similar motivations, care of the kids, contrasting palettes, the bickering, long history.  IT’S JUST TOO MUCH. 

also can we mention how their phone calls and meetings must be heavily planned out?  this means they’ve talked and interacted with each other A LOT behind the scenes.  she doesn’t answer his call with “what do you want?  don’t bother me on my day off.”  she knows exactly why he’s calling her and they even speak in code.  she probably meets up with him and tells him to call her on a specific day and at a specific time.  they must know each other’s schedules very well in order to execute this investigation in complete secrecy.  when he says, “we can never be too sure who is listening in around utahime” it implies that they find calling a risk, so in order to guarantee that there is no one around, they have to meet up in person.  see where i’m getting at?  they talk A LOTTT and most likely are aware of each other’s daily lives.  

the fact that gojo is her main source of stress when he’s literally a 3 hour train ride away from her is hilarious LMAOOOO.  you know what that means, right?  he must call and text her constantly about random things to annoy her.  

chapter 65

ah yes, my favorite moment by far.  look at that smile on his face.  

chapter 65

he loves saying her name.  he probably rushed over with the sole purpose of doing something like this to her LMAOOOO like i mean, mei was in there with her so technically they both needed to be helped but judging from his words and expression, he only wanted to help utahime.  notice how mei’s not there in the debris.  could she possibly have suspected gojo’s presence or an outside force?  or was she fast enough to avoid being in the debris?  either way, her lack of presence in this scene helps highlight the fact that this is a special interaction between utahime and gojo.  he refers to her in a very familiar sense.  the most formal way to address someone is by their last name followed by the honorific, -san.  in gojo’s case, he should be calling her iori-san if they weren’t acquainted.  he doesn’t even bother to call her utahime-senpai.  granted, gojo is not the most respectful and socially competent person out there because geto points this out to him.  he isn’t even aware that she finds him annoying because he views her bad attitude toward him as her just playing along with him.  he probably thinks she’s flirting back LOLOL

since he asks her “you cryin?” that definitely means that gojo witnessed her crying on one occasion or maybe multiple.  who knows, the old utahime could have been a very emotional person.  while this is happening, mei is close to gojo, she then asks him if he would console her if she were to cry in a flirtatious manner.  gojo dismisses her attempt at flirting with him and says she won’t cry because she’s strong.  now normally, you’re supposed to face the person you’re talking to, GOJO.  he KEEPS his eyes on her even when more people come to join the conversation.  

now, we can all agree that geto, mei, and shoko are better at picking up social cues than gojo.  they probably knew the vibe of the conversation and decided to play along with gojo’s antics.  

chapter 65

WE were worried about you.

pay attention to the order of the characters that show up.  gojo makes his appearance first, then geto, followed by shoko.  based on utahime’s reaction to seeing shoko, it’s evident that these two share a close bond.  shouldn’t shoko be the one to arrive on the scene first?  she’s the closest to utahime and would therefore be more concerned about her condition, right?  i know shoko’s technique doesn’t really allow her to do anything other than treat the wounds of others, but if you heard your friend was missing, you would definitely rush to the scene.  

look at geto’s reaction when mei says, “you’re the one who’s picking on her, geto.  you don’t even know it.”  i think it’s mei who’s saying this because gojo calls geto “suguru”.  but anyway, mei is aware that they’re picking on her.  i don’t think she’s the type to legitimately bully someone for their strength.  her reaction to all of this is very playful and her “heh heh heh” is proof of that.  when geto shows up and swallows the curse before it gets to utahime, he says, “satoru.  it’s not nice to pick on the weak.”  by saying this, he pisses utahime off because he too, is joining in on gojo’s joke.  i believe he’s unaware that he’s making fun of utahime because his reaction is “gah!” with a sweatdrop.  he probably thought gojo was making fun of weak people in general.  

geto’s usually a gentleman seeing as it is canon that he is more popular with girls than gojo.  BUT WHO KNOWS...you gotta be a specific type of person to be best friends with gojo.  maybe he ain’t shit too...  okay, my point is that everyone is just playing along.  when shoko shows up, utahime is relieved to see her because shoko doesn’t tease her like this.  since utahime tells shoko to not become like those two, this implies that geto teases her as well (probably not as much as gojo).  we all know geto is really big on looking out for the weak so he probably wouldn’t have insulted her for real.  

verdict: utahime being weak is just a joke.  i’ve mentioned this so many times, sorry if it’s getting annoying and repetitive hehehehehe...

chapter 65

these three aren’t irresponsible.  geto and gojo are a troublesome duo for sure, but they’re dependable.  seems unlike them to forget something so simple and essential to pretty much every mission.   

chapter 65

here’s my headcanon.  they were hanging outside or in the car when their assistant manager got a call.  the assistant was informed that two days have elapsed since mei and utahime went on their mission (or last contacted someone).  

gojo: that’s weird.  mei’s with her so they should have finished exorcising the spirit sooner.

geto: you think something happened to them?  maybe it’s a strong special grade.

gojo: utahime probably dragged mei down with her.  poor mei-san~  

gojo gets up 

geto: where are you going?  

gojo: going to save utahime!  it’s fine i’ll put up a curtain!

manager: gojo wait!!!!!!!!!!!

geto sighs

shoko: that idiot’s always running off without us.

they pin the blame on gojo for saying that he’ll put up a curtain and leaving the assistant manager behind.  you know what this means?  he ran and the manager couldn’t catch up HEHE... why the rush, gojo?  were you actually concerned about her?  

tbh i don’t see gojo ever running to something unless it’s urgent.  the fact that he ran to save her says a lot.  

----

let me know if you have any thoughts or questions!  i forgot to add this but gojo had a more serious expression when he was explaining how they must’ve been trapped in a barrier that messes with time.  he then states, “we thought it was weird even though you’re here, mei.”  i know he was probably worried sick because if mei couldn’t be contacted then that means something must’ve happened to utahime too.  okay that’s it for now.  i’ll be bringing up this little detail i’ve noticed about utahime in the manga next :3

[vennilavee]

to build a home - ch 1

beyond the drapes

attack on titan masterlist

ch 2 - a girl in a bar

Pairing: levi x reader (attack on titan)

Summary: a modern au where you and levi both work for the Survey Corps, a non-profit organization with a mission to help the youth of the Underground District.

Warnings: cursing, suggestive themes

Word Count: 3787

A/N: im so excited to explore levi’s character in this setting!! this story will be a series of moments in no sequential order. in this modern au, the walls still exist, as does the underground district. the only thing modern about it is the technology and culture lolol ENJOY

*** This day is bound to be a long one- it’s only 10 AM and you’ve already been in back to back meetings with several of donors for the foundation. You’ve been in meetings for the last three and a half hours, your toasted bagel now cold and your second cup of coffee now empty. You sigh and roll your shoulders back, pinching the bridge of your nose in annoyance.

These rich types would be the death of you. But Erwin had specifically asked you to handle the rich donors. As if Hange or Levi would be able to sit through even one of these ass-kissing phone calls. You can hear sugary sweetness dripping off of your tongue with practiced patience and you hardly recognize it. It’s an out of body experience. As words are rolling off your tongue, you wonder how Levi would fare with this responsibility.

He’d complain the whole time and then tell the person on the other end of the video call to fuck off and get their heads out of their asses. The thought makes you scoff and you clear your throat to cover the sound.

Erwin knew your strengths and weaknesses as individuals and a team, and you were grateful for such an insightful boss and friend.

Once you seal the third donation of the morning, you take your headset off and rub your temples. You’re glad you’re free until noon, giving you some time to catch up on emails and catch up with your colleagues and friends. The drapes in your office were drawn back, illuminating your office in a faint sunny glow. Today, the sun was hiding behind the clouds so it wasn’t terribly bright.

And yes, you had drapes in your office. They were a midnight blue with threads of gold embroidered throughout. Everyone else had normal blinds, but you had seen these drapes while window shopping years ago for this new office and you knew it belonged. Something about the blue and gold made you feel royal and regal. As if this was yours and yours only.

That didn’t mean that Levi didn’t tell you how stupid your drapes were and how stupid you were at least once daily- “You think this is a stupid castle or something? You hear yourself?”

To which you would prompt reply, “if this was a castle, you’d be the damn gargoyle in front. The one that scares everyone away.”

And then he’d just ‘tch’ at you and roll his eyes.

What an ass.

You’re growing restless, so you lock your computer and get up to stretch your muscles for a few minutes. Sitting for hours at a time does a number on you in ways that you’d never expect- your shoulders sometimes hurt, your lower back, even your ass.

Maybe you need a better seat and desk setup, you muse. Walking down the hallway with your cold bagel in your left hand, you rotate your right shoulder and wince. You pass several of the new hires, Eren and Jean who seem to be bickering amongst themselves but straighten up and say ‘good morning’ to you as you pass them. You give them a smile and a wave, continuing on your way.

You stop by Hange’s office, where her door is wide open and papers are strewn all over the place. She’s viciously typing on her computer as she pushes her glasses up the bridge of her nose in between each word. Her hair is in disarray and you sigh when you knock on her door.

“Hange,” You call, “Did you stay up all night again?”

“Huh? No way,” Hange gasps, looking at the time, “I just got caught up with things! You know- I’m this close to finishing this grant proposal! Look how much money we’re gonna get outta them! They won’t know what hit ‘em-”

“Hange,” You say firmly, “I’m calling you a cab to go home. Go to sleep. I don’t trust you to drive home, considering you’ve been up all night.”

“What?! I can drive-”

“Hange!” You interrupt her, “I’m serious! Come back tomorrow. Take it easy.”

She slumps in her chair in defeat and removes her glasses, rubbing her eyes in fatigue. “Oh alright. I guess I’m a little tired.”

“See you tomorrow, Hange,” You salute and point to your phone, “Cab’s on it’s way.”

With that, you make your way further down the hallway and come to a stop in front of Levi’s office. You knock and immediately open the door without allowing a moment of rest in between.

“What’s the point of knocking if you’re just going to barge in?” Levi asks, eyes still on his computer screen.

“It’s much more dramatic, and we both know you would’ve left me waiting. Because you’re an ass,” You reply good-naturedly, sliding into the seat in front of his desk and propping your legs up on his desk. Your shoes are in his face and he pinches the bridge of his nose in annoyance.

“To what do I owe this most shitty pleasure?” Levi says, eyes narrowed at your bagel, “You here to ruin my office? Last time you were here I had to spend an hour cleaning it-”

You bite your tongue at the response you want to provide to that.

“No reason. Just have been on calls all morning. Was bored,” You shrug and wince at the slight shoulder movement.

Levi quirks an eyebrow at you but says nothing. He continues typing away, seemingly ignoring you as you munch on your half of the bagel. Once you’re finished with it, he throws a banana at you wordlessly. You fail to hide your smile.

“You’ll get hungry in about an hour with that shitty bagel. And then I’ll have to hear about it,” Levi says tonelessly, eyes trained on you. You roll your eyes at him and peel your banana.

“So you gave me this banana to shut me up?”

“Yes, it’s in my own best interest.”

A comfortable silence falls between the both of you. You eye the snow globe that you had gotten him for Christmas and his birthday on his shelf. It looks as if you had purchased it for him yesterday, when in reality it was over five years old. His office is as clean as ever, just like him.

“That’s a nice shirt,” You murmur, eyes raking over him shamelessly,  “Who’s the lucky person who bought it for you?”

And honestly, he wants to do something about the smug smirk on your face. But instead he just stares at you, face as impassive as ever. His hair falls into his eyes with a practiced poise. You see the corners of his lips turn up, nearly daring to give you something resembling a smile.

“What makes you think I didn’t buy it myself?”

“Come on, Levi. You and I both know your sense of style is… questionable most times.”

“My sense of style? You really want to talk about your shitty drapes?” Levi asks, but you sense no malice in his voice.

“My drapes? Wouldn’t you like to know if the curtains match the drapes-”

“I can’t think of anything worse to know.”

You gasp in indignation, hand to your heart. “Don’t be such an ass!”

“Then don’t be such a brat!”

“Ugh,” You groan, standing up from your seat and making sure there are no crumbs falling off of you, “I have actual work to do, Ackerman. Quit wasting my time.”

“Door’s right there, sweetheart,” Levi says nonchalantly, looking back down at his planner and not sparing you a second glance.

“See you soon, handsome,” You call, turning back to wave at him and he gifts you with an upturn of his lips.

***

The Survey Corps was a nonprofit organization run by Erwin Smith and the mission of the organization was to find and provide educational resources and mentoring to the youths in the city. Specifically, the mission was to show kids who grew up in the shadows that they could have a life outside of the shadows and in the light with the help of the Survey Corps.

That’s not to say that the Survey Corps had all of the answers and all of the funds to fix the poverty in the walls. But your team tried their hardest to help the kids. Because the kids were the future.

As an organization, you had done some pretty amazing things and had some pretty amazing connections. The Survey Corps had been successful in launching many partnerships and setting up afterschool programs for the kids to find their interests. It was the kind of work that made you feel fulfilled and driven.

Not to mention, that you worked with some of the best people. Despite everyone’s differences, everyone had a clear shared passion for helping the kids of the city.

You truly loved your job, and everyone around you did as well. Ever since Erwin had promoted you to Director of Impact all those years ago and had seen your capabilities, you had really been able to thrive.

Bringing those new kids on board was your idea for the most part- Levi had complained the whole time, asking why they needed a separate youth outreach group when Erwin’s original team wasn’t even that old.

You had kindly told him that you weren’t teenagers anymore and hadn’t been in two decades. He had glared at you but nodded in agreement.

The rest of your afternoon was relatively free, you were just finishing up a few project ideas for outreach and catching up with some of the new kids.

You should probably stop calling them kids, you think dryly. They’re all in their early twenties, fresh faced and eager. Besides Mikasa- she’s almost as neutral as Levi is, with similar eyes, and you can’t help but wonder if they’re distantly related.

You rotate your shoulder again and massage it lightly with a wince. Damn, your right shoulder has been aching over the last week. Maybe you needed a real massage. Or a new chair.

You send all of your emails out quickly with your shoulder beginning to throb in pain as minutes go by.

Death by the office.

You tell Jean and Connie to meet you in the break-out room for your quick catch-up, unable to take sitting at your desk for much longer. You bring a notebook and a pen with you to the break-out room and wait for them to arrive.

They sit across from you with their stainless steel water bottles in front of them. They’re chatting animatedly, telling you about their ideas and their plans of all the good they can bring to the kids within the walls. Their shared enthusiasm makes you smile.

You start taking notes on their ideas, already thinking of ways to bring them to life. You groan softly as your hand cramps up from the pain in your right shoulder and neck shooting down your arm.

Jean calls your name and you look up.

“Are you okay?” He asks, “You look like you’re in pain.”

“Obviously she’s in pain!” Connie exclaims indignantly, “Sorry about him. He likes to state the obvious.”

“I’ll be alright. My shoulder is just- acting up today…” You trail off and rotate it, “Anyway, I like your ideas. Keep it up, I love the enthusiasm. And don’t try to out maneuver each other either.”

You look pointedly at Jean who gives you a look of innocence.

“We’re a team,” You murmur.

“Captain still calls us interns,” Connie blurts out and you can’t help but let out a laugh. That they still call Levi their Captain, because he’s so rigid with them and that he still calls them interns.

“I’ll talk to Captain grump,” You reassure them, “He calls you interns out of affection.”

“Affection? From Captain Levi? Pff,” Jean scoffs, crossing his arms.

“You’d be surprised, Jean.”

***

Levi catches your soft whistle of pain as you slide the straps of your backpack over your shoulders. He wordlessly stands behind you and pushes the straps of your arm and carries your backpack for you instead. He gives you his phone and keys to hold on to and you give him a smile in return.

He walks you to the car in silence, opening the door for you and waiting for you to get in. Levi catches your grimace and soft exhale once more as you shift in the seat.

“You told Hange to go home?” Levi asks, breaking the silence.

“Yeah,” You nod, “She was here all night again. I don’t know how it gets past Erwin, but I told her to come back after she’s rested.”

Levi nods, eyes trained on the road in front of him. One hand on the steering wheel and one on his thigh. After a moment of staring off into the setting sun, you feel Levi’s hand slide into yours and his thumb rub against yours. His gaze hasn’t shifted, but you can see the light in the corner of his eyes.

He has let his hair and his scruff grow out a little longer than he usually likes- is he distracted? You can’t recall the last time his hair has been this long, but you like it. You make a mental note to ask him about it once you get home.

But as always, Levi can feel your eyes on him.

“Why are you staring?” He asks bluntly.

“Just lookin’ at your ugly mug,” You say nonchalantly, not missing the way his lips quirk up.

“You’ve been with this ugly mug for the last six years,” Levi says dryly, “And what does that say about you?”

“That I have good taste,” You beam at him and he rolls his eyes fondly.

“You’re a brat.”

“You’re an ass.”

You squeeze his hand and watch the planes of his face imperceptibly relax. He wonders how long your shoulder has been bothering you like this. You had mentioned a few times over the last week that it was an odd sort of ache, but today, it seemed like you were in a lot of pain. He’ll ask you about it when you get home.

Home. The space he’s shared with you for the last three and a half years. Levi thinks about that often. He thinks about being a rough, underground kid with nothing but dirt and danger to his name. He wonders if that kid would’ve ever dreamed of living a life like this. He often thinks about Erwin finding him so young and pledging to help him and help kids like him.

Levi often thinks about you. You, who had offered him nothing but laughs and coffee when he had nothing to give. You, who offered your shoulder when he didn’t have the strength to ask. You, who found a crack in his armor of steel and buried yourself next to him despite his roughness.

You.

Even now, he still wonders from time to time if you are aware of the extent of his adoration for you. But when you look at him in that soft way of yours, in that way that’s only reserved for him, he thinks you do.

***

Levi hears your pained gasp from the kitchen and then a call of his name. He sees you standing in your underwear, clutching your right shoulder with creased eyebrows.

“Levi,” You murmur, “Will you help me out of this shirt?”

Levi hums and brushes his knuckles over your neck gently.

“Lift your arms up for a second. This would be easier if this shirt was a button up rather than this shitty material,” He mutters, “This might hurt for a sec.”

He hears your sharp inhale and exhale as he pulls your top off. Levi pulls out one of his own shirts that has now become your sleep shirt and a pair of his shorts for you. He’s quick and precise in his movements, unclasping your bra easily and tugging his shirt over your head. He even helps you into his shorts and you press a kiss to his cheek in gratitude.

Levi rubs your shoulder gingerly, eyes cast over you in concern.

“Go sit on the couch,” Levi murmurs, “I think we still have some of that medicinal paste my mom gave us. The one that’s supposed to help with pains like this. Your shoulder is tight.”

“That’s not the only thing that’s tight,” You wink at him and he shakes his head, patting your hair.

You’re tempted to follow Levi to the kitchen but refrain when he shoots you a look. Instead, you settle on the couch, stretching your legs out.

“Took you long enough,” You grumble, scooting up on the couch for him to lay behind you.

“It took me two minutes. Did you lose your sense of time as well?” Levi murmurs, pulling you into his chest.

You hum, already feeling yourself relax and take his hand in yours. Levi pulls the right side of your shirt down a little to examine your shoulder. He presses a finger to your upper neck and you hiss once his fingers press a little lower. He continues his examination, trying to figure out exactly where you’re in pain.

“Gonna give you a massage,” Levi says, “Might hurt at first. It’ll feel nice after. You can hold my hand if it does.”

“Thanks for your permission, honey,” You roll your eyes but clasp his free hand in yours once more.

His fingers are steady, gentle but firm against your skin. Levi whispers words to you, words of his day, words of what he thinks of the new interns. You correct him for the millionth time, reminding him that they’re not interns anymore. They’re employees now, part of the team. He scoffs but it pulls a laugh from you.

And then you gasp sharply when Levi’s hand prods at a knot. You squeeze his hand reflexively but after a few soothing touches, the pain washes away and the knot dissolves. Levi continues to rub your muscles and you lean further into his chest, your eyes closed in bliss.

He maneuvers you so as to not disturb you too much and spreads the topical analgesic on your shoulder, leaving your skin exposed. So that the medicine doesn’t spread on your shirt.

“Good?” Levi asks, rubbing your other shoulder. You nod, peering up at him and pecking his lips in gratitude. You try to deepen the kiss, try to rake your fingers through his hair the way he likes, but he turns his cheek.

“You’re gonna waste the medicine. It’ll stick to your shirt rather than your shoulder.”

“Seriously?” You groan.

“Blame your shitty shoulder,” Levi says and you glare at him.

“Take my shirt off then.”

“It’ll stick to your shirt when I take it off. Don’t be stupid.”

“Wow, you really thought this through,” You grumble, settling back into his chest and hoping the medicine absorbs quickly. He gives you a rare smile and kisses your forehead, his hand snaking under your shirt to rub your belly, his fingertips at your ribcage. The way he knows you like.

It had taken a long time for Levi to touch you like this. But you didn’t mind though. You were patient, and he was worth it. He was an immensely private person and while he was never ashamed of you- the thought had never even struck his mind- he preferred to keep his business within the walls of your home. Even at work, Erwin often teased both of you that he could hardly tell that you were in a long term relationship with the way you two bickered with each other and the general lack of PDA. But Hange, bless her, would scold Erwin for being so dense-

How can you not tell? They argue like a married couple!

It had taken a long time for Levi to touch you like this. He can remember when the mere act of looking at you had proven to be too much sometimes. And somehow, you always knew when he needed space. When it got to be too much. It had even taken you a long time to touch him like this. He was unlike anyone you had ever met in every way. You’re certain from the way you fit within the spaces of his arms that this is where you were meant to be.

Something gentle settles in your cheeks, in the way you blink at him, in the way you’re stroking his undercut. He very nearly purrs at the touch but still-

“What are you thinking about?”

“You,” You reply, not missing his ‘tch’ in response, “Your hair’s getting long…”

You run your fingers through his dark, silky strands and leave a trail of burning embers in your wake. You cup his cheek and he leans into your touch, head tilting into your hand slightly. His grown out stubble prickles your hand and you push yourself closer to him.

“Something on your mind?” You murmur, “You never go this long without a haircut. Or a shave.”

“Testing something out,” Levi says vaguely and you hum.

“Whatever you say, honey,” You reply, pressing a kiss to his neck.

“Don’t worry about it. You’ll hurt yourself if you think too much.”

“Noted. Thanks for looking out for me, Levi,” You say dryly, poking his chest.

“Someone has to,” Levi mutters, “Think you need a new chair at work. You’ve always had a shitty chair. Or maybe you need a standing desk. I’ll build you one.”

You’re barely listening, eyes beginning to flutter closed and you hum in agreement. Levi is just so warm, it’s no surprise that you’re asleep in just a few minutes. Your breaths are steady against his arm as you shift a little to turn on your side. You must be tired. Levi grabs the book he’s currently reading from the coffee table, drapes a blanket over you and rubs your back as you fall into a deeper sleep.

As he reads, he can’t really focus on the words on the page. He’s busy thinking about you, and how easily you grew to trust him and to love him. Despite how long it took for him to even realize that what he felt towards you was trust and love. Levi thinks back to the kid from the Underground. That kid is still him, and he remembers the faint desire to have a semblance of this life. To feel the sun against his face, the wind in his hair. To be unabashedly himself.

And somehow, not even the freeing feeling of the sun on his face and the wind in his hair can compare to your velvet touch on his skin.

[red-as-mars]

Speechless

Saeyoung Choi x F!MC

Word count: 4K+

Summary: In which Saeyoung meets the girl of his dreams... but she thinks he’s a girl.

A beautiful stranger looks at him from afar. Saeyoung noticed her since the moment she came into Jaehee’s cafe, as she unknowingly sat down at the table next to Saeran. His ears captured the melodic tone of her voice after she stood up to order a bubble milk tea and a waffle, just as he did one hour before. Hearing her laughing with Jaehee makes his curiosity spark, but something is stopping him—the emptiness in his stomach is not normal, not after gulping down several milk teas just to keep himself busy. Suddenly the air conditioner of the cafe is not enough. As he is about to run a hand through his hair, a guy sits right in front of him.

Suddenly, he remembers they are not the only ones in the cafe and that he almost, almost, messes up the wig he spent several minutes putting on—with the help of Saeran, much to the latter’s despise. He changes the route of his hand midair and awkwardly moves to grab his bubble tea, just to notice that there is nothing left. He smiles at the guy in front of him to try and erase whatever weird actions he had done as he thought about the stranger. There’s a light blush covering the guy’s cheeks and he can barely make eye contact with him.

“Noona, do you want me to buy you more bubble tea?” asks Yoosung, suddenly appearing by his side. He is way too happy to monetize from his ‘noona’ to notice how distracted Saeyoung is. He nods without truly understanding what the youngest told him, but he doesn’t care. All his energy is being used on trying to focus on the guy in front of him rather than on the pretty stranger, who is back at the table sipping from her drink.

“Saeyoung, I have been a fan of yours for a long time. Your cosplays are so amazing… and you are… so beautiful… I mean, you have set the bar too high! There’s no way I can go out with other girls knowing that you are my ideal type… so… will you be responsible for my singleness?”, says the guy way too fast for Saeyoung to understand him.

It takes him a moment to realize what he has just been told and, as soon as he gets it, he can’t help but furiously blush. No matter how long he has been cosplaying, hearing things like that still makes him uncomfortable, mostly when he knows that the girl they claim to love was born out of his will to mess up with Yoosung. He never thought that a simple joke could get this far—sure, he used a Tripter bot to gain several followers, but who would have thought that he would remain popular with the bot gone?

Just as the guy he was talking to, others had come to see him… her… and they were patiently waiting for their turn while ordering food and drinks. Even though she was against the idea of holding a LOLOL event in her café, Jaehee now seemed happy with the decent amount of customers giving her money while waiting for a chance to talk with pretty Saeyoung. No matter how embarrassed he was with all the attention, he had to act cool as the customers were focused on everything he said. He remembered Yoosung’s motivation before the event started (“Hyung, I am counting on you!”), and that was enough to encourage him to reply.

“Oh my, what are you talking about? There are plenty of girls more beautiful than me out there. I am nothing in comparison,” he replies in a cheerful, slightly playful, tone. Just as Yoosung comes back with his bubble tea, he manages to hear Saeran chuckle. As his attention moves to his twin, he locks eyes with the pretty stranger and his mind goes blank. There’s a light blush spread across the girl’s cheeks and it only makes her look more gorgeous. He knows she heard him when her lips break into a slight smile. He can’t help but wonder what she’s thinking, “but I really appreciate your words! They mean a lot, so thank you for coming to see me!”

He doesn’t really get embarrassed when posing as a girl, but there are some factors making him feel insecure. He can’t help but feel Jaehee slightly judging him as he unconsciously flirts with the guys. Or Saeran smirking as he writes down things to later tease him. Or Yoosung saying ‘noona’ every time he gets a chance just to remember the guys that they are close. Or how the stranger keeps on glancing at him every 2.35 seconds with a curiosity-filled gaze, making feel trail off mid-sentence. His nervousness is a vicious cycle. The more nervous he gets, the more flirty stuff he says while thinking of the stranger, but… as long as he can look at her, he doesn’t mind.

Even if that means being teased for the rest of his life.

______________________________________

Almost two hours later, the café is empty except for the beautiful stranger who remains seated a few tables away from him. As the number of customers decreased, she stopped gazing at him and instead focused herself on the screen of her computer, headphones covering her ears, as she slightly moved her head to the rhythm of the music. There are no more gazes, no more blushes, no more hearts skipping a beat or two—Saeyoung can’t help but feel like he’s missing something, but can’t he be more silly? Missing something he never had.

They are just strangers who happen to be at the same place at the same time. Tomorrow morning, she will have forgotten about him and keep on going with her life. There’s no way they are randomly meeting again in a city as big as Seoul. She must live near the café, but his apartment is on the other side of the city, near the river. Seeing her again would be more like a miracle.

“I didn’t think a lot of people would be interested in this kind of event,” says Jaehee, finally taking a seat next to Saeran after making drinks non-stop for three hours, “but I think I sold more than average.”

“Never underestimate the power of LOLOL!” says Yoosung, as if he didn’t just monetize from other people’s fantasies in the name of his guild.

“...or a wig…,” adds Saeran, drinking from his cup of black tea.

Saeyoung can’t help but glance at the stranger, but she is too busy on her work to hear what they are saying. He feels slightly relieved, as taking down his wig right now would only make things awkward. He doesn’t mind bearing with the itchiness on his scalp as long as he can keep on looking at her, the way she pouts as her fingers stop smashing the keys, the way her brows furrow as she unconsciously licks her lips, the way her eyes shine after blinking several times… 

All her actions stop as her phone rings. She quickly picks up the call and a warm feeling invades his stomach as he listens to her voice once more. The warmth quickly goes away as he hears her say “I’ll be there in an hour”, collecting her stuff as she thanks Jaehee for her service. Before she reaches the door, she stops and with her, Saeyoung’s heart. What is she doing? Is she missing something? Or… no, that’s not possible. She turns around, takes a napkin from the counter and leaves the café.

Immediately, Saeyoung smashes himself against the table.

“…are you okay?” says Saeran, although his voice holds anything but worry. At this point in his life, Saeran is used to Saeyoung’s sudden actions so he’s rarely surprised by whatever his twin does. Was he okay? Well, he just missed the opportunity to speak with the prettiest girl he has ever seen… He barely manages to give Saeran a thumbs up.

“Oh no, the girl left some stuff…” says Jaehee, slightly worried. Without thinking about it, Saeyoung stands up and the next thing he knows, he’s standing right in front of the table where the beautiful stranger sat. He ignores the suspicious looks of his friends as he looks at what she left: her transportation card and… one of the banners they made for the event, featuring Saeyoung’s most-liked Instagram post. Surprisingly, his face is surrounded by hearts and he can’t stop his cheeks from burning.

Saeran takes the paper from his hands and looks at it, then at him. “...guess she came to see you.”

“What?! But she didn’t come close to her… him!!!” exclaims Yoosung, looking at the banner with his eyes wide open.

“Maybe she was shy. I mean, it is always intimidating to talk to someone you admire,” shares Jaehee knowingly.

Saeyoung is barely listening to them. His mind is focused on the hearts surrounding his face, triggering the memories of their discreet eye contact, the blush on her face as they looked into each other’s eyes from afar… His heart starts beating like crazy, skipping more than a beat. A sudden wave of adrenaline invades his body as he realizes something.

“So… this pretty girl… actually came… to see… me?” he asks, although he already knows the answer. Listening to the confirmation of his friends is enough to give him back his confidence. He puts on his coat as he takes the transportation card and the banner from Saeran’s hands.

“Wait—where are you going? You better not do something weird to her!” exclaims Jaehee.

“What do you mean weird? She’s not going anywhere without her transportation card, so I’m giving it back to her,” he replies as he storms out of the café. Before crossing the door, he adds “It’s just a girl helping out another girl!”

And he ventures into the coldness of the night.

______________________________________

Although there are a few bus stops near Jaehee’s café, Saeyoung is lucky enough to find her at the nearest stop. She’s waiting there with one hand hidden in the pocket of her coat and the other one holding her phone. As he gets closer, he can clearly see several pictures of him on her screen. He suddenly feels hot as he realizes that she’s looking at the pictures he’s tagged at, most of them from today’s event. He feels some warm weight on his stomach, just as if a cat had fallen asleep on his tummy.

He stands right behind her without moving, carefully thinking about the best way to approach her as he doesn’t want to mess up this opportunity. Just as he gathers enough courage to talk to her, a pair of buses arrive and the beautiful stranger looks up from her phone to get in one. Before she can walk closer to her transportation, Saeyoung quickly puts his hand on her shoulder to stop her from going away. She immediately turns around in surprise, red tainting her cheeks as she locks eyes with him.

“Wait—I mean, uhm, sorry if I startled you,” he slightly laughs, trying to compensate for the awkwardness of his actions, “it’s just that you forgot this at the café.”

He gives her the transportation card and as she is about to thank him, he shows her the banner with his face surrounded by the cutest doodles he has ever seen. The pretty stranger stumbles over her words as her cheeks and ears burn red from embarrassment. Before she can justify herself, the bus closes its doors and begins its journey. Saeyoung is in shock. Did he just make her miss her bus? He begins to apologize, but the stranger laughs it off.

“Don’t worry, there’s another one coming in about… ten minutes, I guess? I just have to wait for it,” she says and Saeyoung can’t help but think that her voice sounds ten thousand better when she is talking to him, “Thank you for bringing it to me. I don’t know what I would have done without it.”

That’s a lie, of course. Saeyoung knows it pretty well. She would have to pay the driver in cash and, maybe tomorrow, buy another one at the nearest convenience store. Nothing bad would have happened if she missed the card—someone else could be using it—and that made him feel worse, after making her miss her bus. Yet here she is, smiling gently at him as if somehow she was glad of having to wait some minutes for the next bus.

“I guess I will wait for you, then. I mean, if you don’t mind,” he manages to suggest calmly, although he is nervous inside, “It is already dark and there are not many people left. I would be preoccupied leaving you here.”

He is not saying the truth, but he is not exactly lying. He is just omitting information to avoid looking like a creeper. I want to talk to you for a little bit longer, is what he actually wants to say, but there’s no way he’s actually saying it. Not without blushing extra hard. When she accepts his company, he just stands by her side, trying hard to focus on what to say and not on how fast his heart is beating. She is the first one to talk, formerly introducing each other. Saeyoung can’t help but keep on repeating her name in his mind, enjoying how each letter combines into making the most pleasing sound he has ever heard. 

“I, uh, well- I, ah,” he doesn’t really know how to start talking to her, not when she is looking so endearingly at him, ”I was just wondering why… why didn't you come to take a picture with me… when you were already there…”

The beautiful girl blushes slightly, gazing at her feet.

“I didn’t expect a lot of guys to be there. I thought there would be at least another girl besides you and me, but there wasn’t. Well, except for the owner, I mean,” she admits, playing with her phone in her fingers, “I thought it would be weird to be the only girl approaching you, so I waited until the guys were left to do it, but I got really shy at the end.”

Saeyoung’s heart is beating even faster than before. He can’t believe what he is actually hearing, but even though they just met, he trusts in her words, so his confidence increases.

“Well, you can’t go home without completing your mission, right?” he says while taking her phone away from her fingers and opening the camera. He positions himself beside her and makes a half-heart with his free hand. She looks at him in awe, clearly shocked at his actions, but doesn’t follow him. “Really? You are going to leave my heart waiting? Come on, people are staring at me weirdly.”

And that is enough to make her move. Their fingers faintly touch each other, but that’s enough to send warm waves through his body. He can’t help but wonder if she’s filling it too or if he's just crazy. All his happiness disappears as soon as he sees himself on the screen. He manages to snap the picture before his smile collapses, reminding himself that currently, he’s not yucky Saeyoung, but pretty Saeyoung, and that means the beautiful girl is interested in her, not him. However, there’s something about the glow in her eyes as she thanks him for the picture that makes him decide to ignore it and continue as it is. She asks for her Instagram username before the bus arrives. She’s quick to search herself on his phone, and waves goodbye before the bus departs.

Saeyoung is left alone at the bus station with his phone in his hand, looking at the feed of the girl. Somehow, when he sees her warm smile through her pictures, he doesn’t feel alone anymore.

______________________________________

Saeyoung clicks the notification as soon as it pops into the screen. He contains himself from liking it when he sees her bright smile on the picture and actually refreshes the page waiting for someone to like it before he does it. Once the heart is coloured in red, he goes into the comments and writes the nicest thing he can think of. She’s quick to reply back.

They have been chatting nonstop for a while. They have met a few times, too, but calling it a date is way too much. They were going out not only as friends but as girl friends. Just one girl meeting another girl at the subway station to get lost on the streets of Seoul, walking several miles per day without even noticing. It was just them finding new restaurants to enjoy, going together to get their nails done—and even getting friendship bracelets that they wear all the time. It was like a dream come true… except she still thought he was she.

“Hey, are you even listening?” Saeran’s voice brings him back to the moment. “Of course you aren’t.”

“Yes, I am,” says Saeyoung, although it’s not true. Ever since he met her, he can’t help but keep his phone in his hand, ready to answer her texts, but she hasn’t been pretty active today. 

“...you’re thinking about that girl, right?” he asks, although something about his tone tells him that he already knows the answer. “You shouldn’t hide anymore. You have been talking enough to tell her how you’re feeling. The real you, I mean.”

“It’s not easy. I don’t wanna mess this up,” Saeyoung confesses, gazing down. ”Before I do that… I just wanna know if she likes Saeyoung more than Saeyoung!”

“...what are you even saying?”

“I mean, how am I supposed to know if she likes yucky me more than pretty me? I look gorgeous in a dress, the competition is harsh enough!” his cheeks are burning. It is time to change the topic, “Wanna look into that store?”

“...that’s what I told you before…”

They are looking for new clothes for Saeran since Saeyoung accidentally mixed a red t-shirt into his pale clothes. Saeran is surprisingly picky with the clothing he chooses, so after almost two hours of searching into various shops in Hongdae, Saeyoung decided to take him to Apgujeong. So far they have visited three different stores and Saeran has (thankfully) picked some new clothes for him, although he is still searching for a vest.

As soon as they enter, Saeran starts touching the clothes, feeling the materials as he walks. He stops to pick up around three and, as he is about to enter the changing room, he stops. Saeyoung has been watching his twin so far, trying to calm himself down because of the lack of texts from the pretty girl, so he noticed how Saeran glanced at a shirt several times as he was choosing the clothes. Before Saeran can head back to pick it up, Saeyoung is already giving it to him. Saeran thanks him before disappearing behind the curtains.

Now that he is alone, Saeyoung starts walking around the store looking at the clothes. His style differs from Saeran, so many of the clothes are not appealing to him, yet there are some that he wouldn’t mind trying just for the sake of diversifying his style. As pretty Saeyoung, he dresses fashionable and mature; but as himself, as yucky Saeyoung, he wears whatever is clean—or less dirty, depending on whether he did his laundry or not. He can’t help but wonder what kind of guy the beautiful girl likes… or if she even likes guys. Up until now, he hasn’t really gotten information about that. Whenever he tries to find out if she would be interested in him—the real him—, she just changes the subject or answers back with another question.

He doesn’t know when he ended up in the women section, yet there he is. Standing in front of several accessories that he can’t help but think would look incredible on the beautiful girl. Soon he is busy looking at them all, trying to find the best one for her… but he can’t give her that as if it was nothing… maybe if he… bought two… one for her and one for him…

That would be nice.

He settles up for a pair of necklaces. Saeyoung is smart: he knows that if Saeran sees them, he won’t stop bothering him, so he is quick to go to the cashier to pay for them before Saeran comes out of the changing room. Yet as he gets closer to the cashier to pay, his heart stops as soon as he is greeted.

It is her.

The beautiful stranger is here, in front of him, smiling sweetly even though he is looking as terrible as he always does whenever he is not dressed up as a girl. She doesn’t seem to recognize him, but he keeps her head low as he pays for the necklaces. Oh my, he can’t give it to her now that she has seen them. It would be so obvious…

His face is burning red from embarrassment. He can’t believe that out of all the stores she could be working at, he just happened to come into the one… Then it clicks. Hasn’t she been answering lately because she is working?

“Would you like a bag for your necklaces?” her voice brings him back from his thoughts. He tries to hide his emotions by holding his breath. He says ‘no’ with his head, scared that she might recognize his voice even though he always makes sure to keep it higher than usual when he’s talking to her. There’s no way she’s recognizing him… right?

He slightly bows as soon as he pays, deciding to wait outside for Saeran as he might die from embarrassment if he stays close to her. Just as he is about to exit the shop, his phone rings. He waits until he is outside to answer the call.

“Hello?” he says, looking for the keys to his car.

“Saeyoung?” the voice on the other side makes him freeze.

He turns around and, on the other side of the window, there she is. His sun smiling back at him even though she now recognizes him as a liar. He wants to run away as she approaches him, but it is like his feet are stuck to the floor. He can’t move—and maybe he doesn’t want to. There’s something about her smile, the warm look in her eyes, that stops him from running away and hiding in his room for the rest of his life.

She’s now in front of him, but before he can explain himself… she’s hugging him tightly. 

“Oh my, thank goodness you’re a guy! I felt really insecure whenever we went out because you’re so gorgeous and everyone looks at you in awe. But with your actual appearance, I can be the pretty one of the duo!”, she says brightly, surprisingly relieved.

Saeyoung is at a loss for words. Maybe, just maybe, a few tears are forming in his eyes. Why is she acting like this when he lied to her?

“...did you just call me ugly?” he says, but as much as he wants to sound offended, he can’t hold back a giggle.

“In comparison to me, yes, of course.” she releases him, and suddenly it feels cold outside.

“Can’t deny you’re beautiful,” he mumbles looking at his feet. They stay quiet for a while before Saeyoung gathers the courage to speak again. “I didn’t mean to hide my identity from you. It’s just that you were so happy with pretty Saeyoung that I didn’t want to ruin it.”

“Well, I enjoy it whenever I am around you. My opinion is not based on your appearance, you know,” she says, “To be honest, I kinda already knew you were a guy, but I didn’t want to mention it as I thought you had a good reason to keep it to yourself.”

Saeyoung meets her gaze, slightly leaning his head to the side. “Then why did you just call me now?”

It is now her turn to look away, her cheeks tainted in red. “You looked as if you were about to have a panic attack. I just wanted to let you know I am here for you. After all, we’re friends.”

“I wish we weren’t… Wait, I, uh, I mean…Gaaah!” he can’t believe he just messed up. “It’s just that… I think you’re… extremely pretty and I, well, you know, maybe I like you?”

He is pathetic and he knows it. She just came up to tell him all this beautiful stuff about accepting himself as he is, and he has to mess up? It’s almost as he subconsciously wants to auto-sabotage himself.

“Just maybe? Because I like you a lot,” she says, getting closer to him.

Suddenly his hands are not empty anymore. They had held hands before, but this time it’s different. It may be the fact that she is right in front of him and not by his side, that their chests are one step away from touching it other… or maybe that her thumbs are tracing circles in his palms, sending an electric sensation through his whole body.

“Saeyoung, I really like you. No matter if you're prettier than me or not,” there’s a playful grin on her face as she says so. He gulps, nervous that she is either being honest or playing with him. “For real, I liked you ever since I saw you, but all this time we have been going out… I think I have fallen for you. Really hard. So, please, if you like me, don’t just say maybe.”

There’s hope both in her voice and in her eyes. He can’t think clear anymore, not when she is this close, telling him something he thought he would never get to hear. He wants to tell her how much he likes her, for how long he has been waiting for this moment… but he can’t.

Not when his body is moving on its own, hugging her waist to pull her closer until their faces are a few inches apart. Not when his head is leaning to the side as he closes the gap between them. Not when his eyes close and he feels the warmth of her lips on his own.

Not when love has made him speechless and the only way to show his feelings is with actions.

[nameless-shrimp]

heyo shrimpy!! sorry for the late response,, i got busy with exams lolol first, how are you today? :D Is anything good happening to you? enjoy your vacation btw, i hope you have a lot of fun! ^^ second, hmm finding your artstyle? that sounds even more challenging than improving for me, ngl hh- I don't know why but reading your answer made me think of a chibi dazai eating a nice burger... sounds cute,, I'm sure your drawing turned out amazing :D it's always a bliss noticing your art getting better, makes me want to draw more ^^ somehow, you drawing in a cuter art style makes you more adorable,, lovely doodles filling the empty pages,,,,

imagine dazai catching you doodling him with cute little hearts around the page,, and as his lips curved upwards a mild shade of pink dusts his cheeks, admiring you a little bit more before walking towards you quietly, wrapping his arms around your neck from behind. your frame stilled against his loving embrace, the pencil in your hand dropping on the concrete desk, your lover's lips close to your ears... his warm breath hit the back of your ear, kissing it in the process.

"I didn't know you drew me so much, gioia mia~¹" his sweet, teasing voice gently made its way into your eardrum, with you shivering afterward. his soft, umber locks brushed against your tender skin, the warm temperature his body radiated comforting you. your cheeks were probably red by now, and you were certain he already noticed. after all, when does he not?

clearing your throat, you comfortably positioned yourself, closing your eyelids slowly before speaking.

"u-uh, yeah. I, uhm-"

"and they're so well done, my darling! I assumed you were an artist since you always brought a notebook and pencil with you, even in our workplace, but I didn't expect you to draw me... I am flattered, my belladonna~ your artstyle mirrors the way you are... cute!~" your brain couldn't take in his words, and yours were stuck in your throat. all that was left was a stuttering mess whilst you shakingly turned around, with your lover chuckling at your adorable reaction.

dazai could now definitely see how your cheeks gained color, the redness painting them well. noticing your alerted gaze and trembling, he raised his hand to hold your warm cheek, caressing it with his thumb. although your quivering didn't cease, he took a note of how your eyes widened for a second before calming again. his smile broadened as you leaned into his touch, your timid orbs avoiding his loving ones. unfortunately for you, he had other ideas in mind.

and so, he leaned closer.

your eyes snapped back at him, his nose almost touching yours. a small gasp escaped you as you attempted to form a sentence, but failed to do so. the man in front of you only beamed at your reaction, his heart melting at how adorable and lovely you were. he was truly fortunate to have a loving, caring, understanding partner such as you.

he really loved you and cherished you with all of his soul.

"osamu! y-you're-" and before you could say anything else, the brunette gave you one last loving look before closing his eyes...

and placed his lips against yours.

your eyes bulged out from your sockets as a small shriek left your throat, but was immediately muted by your beloved's kiss. your flustered state couldn't comprehend what was happening, but the warmth of your chest was so overwhelming, you couldn't help but hastily press your lips back against his, tightly closing your eyelids to enjoy the moment more...

smirking, dazai stopped for a brief moment while you whined in protest, but he quickly soothed you while shifting his hands to grip your chair, gently twisting it around. you opened your eyes again to understand what he was doing... and regretted it as soon as you saw his smug look, while he caged you between him and your chair. you glanced around stunned, the dulcet shade of rosé overlapping your already flustered profile. shakingly, you looked up and met his calmer and haughty orbs again, making you gulp as your heart rammed in your chest.

his smooth, defined face was all you could see, and if it wasn't for your panicking mind, you were sure you could observe him for hours. you felt so open under his narrow, shadowy, russet orbs as if you were an interesting book he was very invested in. that fierce, intense way he observed you with, only made you shyer, and you shrank on your chair... which wasn't the best move, you thought, since he cornered you more than before, and all you could do was watch him from below, too red to do or say anything.

his low chuckle reverberated through the room, and a small drop of sweat rushed down your embarrassed face as he towered over you, devouring all of your sweet, lovable expressions. his smirk widened as your pupils shrank, bending down to your level once more. he tremendously wanted to pick you up and place you on the king-sized bed, while you desperately clung onto him and whispered his name, trying to evade his all-seeing gaze... but held himself back to tease you more.

after all, you looked so delicious right now...

"o-osamu..." your needy, wobbly voice brought him back from his little daydream, shaking off any other thoughts he had in mind... all that mattered now was you. humming, he got closer to you, both of your faces millimeters away. if he was trying to kill you, he was doing a great job at it. the smile never left his mouth, and you could feel the confidence seeping through him... his breath hit your lips as he exhaled making you freeze on the spot.

"hmmm? what is it, my dear? do you perhaps need something?" he asked, already knowing what you wanted and needed. but hearing you spell it out for him... it was a bliss.

you nervously exhaled, feeling the warmth in your cheeks rise as if you weren't blushing enough. not brave at all to face him head-on, you fiddled with the hem of your shirt, looking down as you did so. dazai screamed internally at the cuteness with all the courage you had, you shyly told him...

"p-please osamu, i-i need you..." and that was all he needed. chuckling, he stared at you with a wolfish grin, pleased to hear those words coming out of your lips.

"then... let me take care of you, amore mio~²"

your sketchbook was long forgotten that night, but dazai did make you "sing" some sweet songs for him...

¹ = means my joy in Italian, the ask from Sofi sparked something within me 😶 dazai giving you Italian pet names sounds perfect-

² = my love, once again, in Italian- hh

okay i got too carried away 💀 ANYWAY THANKS FOR NOT READING THE ONE I SENT BEFORE HH SORRY AGAIN, PLEASE ENJOY YOUR DAY AND KEEP ON DRAWING UR ART CUTE AF

first of all, my vacation is going well! i enjoyed going out and riding some rides, plus took a nice shower and now i am relaxing in my bed, hehe.

second, it's truly a bliss to see my own artwork improve over time! it makes me extremely happy. also, i love the idea of dazai eating a burger, that's adorable. i have been wanting to doodle dazai a lot lately; probably cause he's just so adorable to me and he's absolutely breathtaking, hehe. it's nice to fill up the empty pages and just letting your mind flow as you draw.

third... OH MY GOD. READING ALL THAT WHEN I WAS IN LINE FOR MY RIDE MADE ME SO FLUSTERED UNDERNEATH MY MASK. AND REREADING IT ALL OVER AGAIN MAKES ME SO ASFJFSOXMSK 😳🥺💘 it was so, so sweet of you to write all that! please, dazai speaking pet names in another language truly sounds like him. not to mention, the fact that he was so flirty and he's such a tease from how you portrayed him, my heart is fluttering. and the very end though. oh my. 🥰🙈 goodness that really made me so blushy, hahaha.

thank you for taking your time to write that. it always warms my heart to read these and wow, omg, you just really wanted to fluster me today, did you? ASHFIAOZNA thank you so much for this. my heart... i have no words. it just made my day so much better too, haha. bless your kind soul, i loved reading it all 😭🤍

[shijiujun]

[SPOILERS KIND OF] TLTR2 - Thoughts on the last 10 episodes + EVERYTHING

Ahhhhh the found family trope gets me every single damn time!!! Honestly Zhu Yilong’s TLTR is the best I’ve seen! 

Okay first things first, TLTR as a whole was EXCELLENT in terms of characters, script, twists, SETS (wow damn TLTR creeps me out episode after episode) and the whole premise seems a little far-fetched but actually melds together really well. Pacing could be slightly better (HAHAHAHA like Wu Xie was stuck in Warehouse 11 on his own like FOREVER in the first half) but they remedied that with S2, the pacing was spot on and I was literally jumping on my feet EVERY WEEK. Reunions? Check. Xiao Ge badass catwalk from the shadows every time Wu Xie is in danger? Check. TEAM BONDING WITH LIU SANG WHUMP?! CHECK. HAPPY ENDING?!!! CHECK (could have done with an alive Jia Ke Zi to be honest, but we’ll take what we can get).

And one thing TLTR does really, really well is like touching, reminiscing scenes? Even with Er Jing?!!! And of course everytime Pang Zi and everyone else thinks Wu Xie is dying, and when Wu Xie himself thinks he’s literally going to die the next moment, wow the script is amazing?!!! I cried (okay but I admit that I cry really easily) soooo many times?!

On Er Jing - The Mole

The moment when Wu Xie recalls Er Jing saving him when he was younger, and how much he trusted Er Jing, and I do feel so sad for both Er Jing and Wu Xie? Like I don’t believe each moment for Er Jing was spent like scheming and tbf he’s not that good of a schemer, ISTG his greed and glee shows up EVERY SINGLE TIME the second he steps into warehouse 11 and Pang Zi is right, “It’s so obvious it’s Er Jing please.” Wu Xie says it as well - if Er Jing truly was a scheming little bij, he would have been seen throughout the 20 years?! So Er Jing perhaps through the years, did think about Er Shu and Wu Xie as his family, I do believe that. It’s just sad af that he chose treasure that he never saw over riches with Er Shu ya know?! 

Not sure if Er Jing and his band of crazy friends are dead or alive? Seems at the last episode Wu Xie asked to send doctors down to treat them, but I guess...

On Liu Sang

In the book apparently Er Jing isn’t the mole but Liu Sang (in a different setting, not the same situation if I recall correctly), but San Shu admits that he was drunk or smth when he was writing the ending and Liu Sang and Xiao Bai ‘disappeared’ LOLOL but San Shu has been supportive always in Liu Sang’s character, so I am soooooo glad my Liu Sang BB is pure, innocent, sometimes scheming, always whump?!! AHHHHH LIU SANG!!!!!

Liu Chang as Liu Sang is fricking amazing damn I LOVE HIS LOOK? Honestly, Liu Chang is my new obsession, I love this man. I really, really do. I love his hair, I love him with glasses, anything tbh. 

And he’s so protective of Xiao Bai?!!! LIKE LEGIT GENTLEMAN?!!! The first time when he tried to save Xiao Bai from Boss Jiao’s people in the cave, and then in the last ep, when the black thingys came flying over, he shielded her with his coat?!!! Not that it would have made a difference but damn, my pure, competent bb Liu Sang.

Also Liu Sang still DOES NOT GET HIS HUG FROM XIAO GE ISTG?!!! XIAO GE HUGS EVERYONE BUT HIM. DAMN. I REST MY CASE.

On IRON TRIANGLE + 4th sister Xiao Bai

Wu Xie is amazing. ZYL is damn frickin amazing too, and Chen Minghao as Pang Zi IS GOLD. HE’S SO DRAMATIC ASS?!!! And young Huang Junjie as Xiao Ge, damn. This is the best trio I’ve ever seen. This is the best trio you need. All the brotherhood shit, all the meaningful stares between Xiao Ge and Wu Xie, COME ON!!!!

And also Pang Zi taking care of Xiao Mei?!!! And Xiao Mei calling him dad?!!! I love it. AHAHAHAHA

Xiao Bai, I don’t even know where to begin. I think it’s cute, her and Wu Xie, and when Wu Xie called her and she didn’t pick up and in the last ep when Xiao Bai left him behind to run towards Pang Zi and the rest and Wu Xie’s AFFRONTED LOOK, I think he’s fond of her somewhat too. Although to what degree, in what sense, well... I just think it’s cute (ALSO DID YOU GUYS KNOW THAT MAO XIAOTONG WHO PLAYS XIAO BAI IS THE SAME AGE AS ZHU YILONG?!!! LET THAT FARKING SINK IN. THEY ARE BOTH 32 YEARS OLD OKAY?!!)

Hei Yang Jing, Huo Dao Fu, Li Jia Le, Kan Jian, Xiao Hua

AHAHAHAHA I just wanna laugh at these few - LJL especially was so mean in Warehouse 11 but the moment S2 starts he’s just a cute, clumsy bun bun who keeps getting KO-ed, glad he’s alive tho!!! Kan Jian too, so skinny and crying all the damn time, who loves his boss so much, he’s the cutest. I see a lot of fics shipping Kan Jian and Liu Sang, and tbh, in S1 I did see it quite a bit.

Hei Yan Jing and Chu Chu is frickin alive?!! Damn Xiao Hua, I knew you would have done something. Honestly, if you have so much damn money, and you let Chu Chu go without a fight after warning her that you take HYJ’s request to keep her safe seriously?!!! DAMN THE REVEAL IN THE LAST EP. Hope they meet. Baron Chen is... gosh, I love this man. Also Baron Chen and Huang Junjie were in The Pillow Book tgt and oooooof I love it I love it.

And all of you know just how much I love YOUTIAO DOC?!!! He was such a major side character in the second half of like S2 and I am all for it. His sass, his eye rolls, the way he takes care of Wu Xie and does things for him even tho he grumbles about it?!!! Damn. I need a friend like that.

On Er Shu

Honestly Er Shu was the mastermind in the novel? If I recall, it was his plan basically to get Wu Xie to go to Thunder City to get himself cured, because Wu Xie would not have done it otherwise. In fact, everyone except Wu Xie knew it was Er Shu’s plan to get him to go and that he schemed it all?!! 

And when the reveal happened, everyone was like “yeah we knew it was him and that we’re all part of his plan but we didn’t say anything” because no one knew which roles they were playing in Er Shu’s plan?! And then yeah Liu Sang turned out to be a mole but I didn’t manage to see why, but he was kind of a morally ambivalent character? And Wu Xie in the novel at one point said that he believes in the kind of person Liu Sang is and that he’s not all that bad after the reveal, so... anyway, ER SHU WAS MEANT TO BE MORE BADASS THAN THIS?!!!

I’m so sad he was really paralysed ;-; I legit thought when he stood up in Ep 29 it was really him and I freaked out but it was HYJ CRIESSSS

--

Overall this was definitely a drama of friendship? Forged over creepy tombs that were a mix of Frankenstein, The Mummy Returns, Aliens vs Predator and Indiana Jones?!!! FRIENDSHIP!!!! At the end of it all, Wu Xie found so many new friends that are definitely going to come running the next time they have to find another tomb? 

Like I was sad Liu Sang didn’t turn up in the last scene but he’s alive thank god, and you can imagine that the next time they need help, Liu Sang will roll his eyes but turn up?!!! And LJL also maybe?! And HDF, everyone!!!!

One thing I wanna know is what the hell is going to happen to the Wu family business?!!! Wu Xie looks like he not going to deal with the power shit, argh IDK he’s back to hobo-ing with his bros which I guess is best life.

EVERYTHING WOULD HAVE BEEN GREAT IF ER JING WASN’T A MOLE ARGH I’M SO MAD. AND IF JIA KE ZI DIDN’T DIE?!!

I’D WATCH THIS WHOLE DAMN THING AGAIN. 10/10 FOR BROMANCE, FRIENDSHIP, FAMILY AND CREEPY ASS TOMBS.

[kewltie]

anyway, abo au where alpha prohero ground zero decides it's time to start a family of his own but he doesn't have a mate and neither does he want one so he signs up for an omega surrogate program & meet his former childhood friend who will now carry his baby for him. 

izuku is a male omega w/ v v v high fertility even for his secondary sex and a strong body which make him an ideal surrogate to give birth healthy babies. w/ the program izuku contracted, izuku had given birth to several babies for various ppl over the years & babies are all happy and that's all that matter.

being a surrogate wasn't ever part of his dream but izuku is an omega & quirkless in a world that doesn't exactly appreciate either. one day when he was fruitlessly working at his 9 to 5 job, a rep from the company approached him w/ a pamphlet about surrogacy. the paid is v v good, the prenatal care & pregnancy compensation is all taken care of by the clients and his company, and he can select and choose which jobs to take. many families and ppl in the world cant have kids of their own for various reasons and izuku is HELPING THEM ACHIEVE THEIR DREAM. in his own way izuku is helping these people!!!!  He may not be saving lives has a hero that he always wanted to be but he's giving them their hope and dream in a child they all want so izuku does his job proudly. the only sadness he gets from it that once it's over the baby isn't his anymore bc he's contracted to sign over his parental rights to his clients.

so he tries desperately not to fall desperately in love w/ each of the babies he had. it's... tough but he loves them all the same. the good point is that some of his clients will let him talk and meet w/ their child’s birth parent so izuku isn't deprived of that connection.

it's a quiet and unconventional job, but izuku is happy w/ this lifestyle that he had chosen even as it make DATING AN ABSOLUTE pain. how do you explain to ppl that no you're not marry yet or date anyone but you have several kids floating around all over japan in various household??? lol /o\ this made him feel terribly alone thinking how he wants a family of his own one day after seeing how he's making his client so happy w/ their new baby in their arms. happiness wrapped in a surreal sadness as he watched his babies w/ their new family wishing for that happiness for himself one day but while izuku is settled in his bubble of melancholy an solitude, katsuki BUSTED DOWN THAT DOOR when he made a requested to have a surrogate. NOT JUST ANYONE WILL DO, the best one you FUCKING GOT: experience, results, good health, strong quirk, smart, and not some fucking easy omega.

the qualifications and requirements are obscene and ridiculous lolol but he paid through the roof to get the absolute best for his future child. izuku hits every one of these markers except... for the quirk one. the program hesitate to bring the two to meet but katsuki is impatience. he had been delayed and delayed over and over again for months as they try to match up a good surrogate partner for him. every one of them he had quickly rejected v v loudly and walked out on the meeting. izuku is literally their last hope as katsuki throws another fit.

katsuki is getting older now, close to his 30s annd still stuck in singlehood while all his colleagues and friends settle down with a family of their own. his parents, esp his old hag, has been relentlessly nagging him to GIVE HER A BABY ALREADY SHE WANTS TO BE A GRANDMA BEFORE SHE DIE so w/ all kind of pressures, he said fuck it, i'll give you a fucking BABY but i dont need a mate to do it but in truth he earnestly does want a baby for his own bc the idea of raising a tiny human w/ all the trails and errors and potentially fucking up is humbling & huge responsibility.  he thinks he’s up for it like the pro-stage where he's standing at the top now, he can conquered it w sheer force and effort as he does w/ any challenge that he face. Parenthood will be his greatest battle and hurdle he has to overcome and he's going to fucking ACE IT. so katsuki is 10000% in this and he wants the best surrogate for his baby.

the program finally have izuku & katsuki meet after wasting 5 months of trying to find katsuki a suitable partner that he won't reject right away. so their first meeting go something like this: multiple slam doors, a table is flipped, and a lot of yelling.

it went great because izuku is hired right away. Just kidding.

katsuki had thought it was some giant fucking joke the moment izuku had walked through that door. "Who the fuck set this up?!" he demanded, kicking a coffee table over. so furious that his hands were shaking bc the idea of the length he'd went through and hoops he'd jumped over to get here JUST SO HE CAN BE MAKE A FOOL OUT OF, he'd stormed out a sec later, slamming doors violently on his way out and they had to dragged his ass back w/ the fervent promise that no IT'S NOT A PRANK AND WE HAVE NOTHING TO DO W/ CHARGEBOLT OR RED RIOT, PLS PLS LISTEN TO US.

he came back to izuku's unperturbed face as he took a sip of his coffee and katsuki snapped defensively, "i hope you won't fucking be drinking that piss when you're pregnant with my baby."

Unimpressed, Izuku replied, "good thing im not pregnant yet bc who said i would agree."

Flustered and red in the face w/ anger bc THE AUDACITY OF IZUKU TO REJECT HIM WHEN KATSUKI SHOULD BE THE ONE TO DOING IN THE FIRST PLACE!! izuku was the one who doesn't deserve to carry his child!! but the director of the program hurriedly assured him that izuku IS THE *BEST*. he got a pages of recommendation/referral, glowing reviews, and every client of his had never been happier bc of him. all his pregnancy were carried to full term and the babies are all good & strong. izuku himself go the gym when he's not on the job, keeping a healthy lifestyle. he doesn't drink or smoke (which katsuki emphasized in his requirement) and his family doesn't have any record any genetic disorder. he may not have finish college but he test high in his IQ and he take his job v v v seriously. the only problem was... he's quirkless.

it's a thing izuku always make it point for all his clients to know what they could potentially get w/ their children if they chose him. some walked away but most stayed with bc izuku is THE BEST OF THE BEST and they want kid more than they want a manufactured perfect child.

"will that be a problem?" izuku asked, meeting his eyes dead on. "does the thought of having a quirkless child anger you?"

katsuki bristles, clenching & unclenching his hands at his side. though no much had change over the years, he's older now, not that dumbass kid anymore, misguided by his own sense of pride and arrogance and warped by prejudice and the superiority of his quirk. He had left that behind in UA, who happily beaten the idiocy out of him. now, he doesn't care if his child is quirkless or not bc they're his and he'll raise and love them all the same. if the world treat his kid crap for being quirkless, he'll teach them to fuck the world up till it bow down and kiss their ass bc they're a bakugou and they don't settle for anything less, which brought back to the point that izuku REALLY IS THE BEST THEY GOT.

so he shook his head and said, "it doesn't matter whether they're quirkless or not bc they're mine and i always take good care of what's mine."

Izuku's eyes widen and for fraction of a second his cool mask of difference crack under katsuki's heartfelt and sincere words. They havent seen each other since middle school, that’s over a decade, and katsuki truly have grown up into someone the entire world can admire and hold up on a pedestal as the no. 1 hero in the country.

"And what about you? you're okay with me?" katsuki retorted. "with the kind of volatile *history* that we shared."

Izuku paused, and then, he said quietly, "i'm not that petty to deny you a child bc of our past bc neither of us are the kids we were back then."

katsuki stood up. "get him the paperworks and have him sign it. i want him and nobody else."

Izuku jerked up in surprised. "that's it? you dont want to ask me anything else? don't you want to go through my records and background to make sure that im the right fit for you."

katsuki stared down at him and it was like pinned under glass before he said, "we may have changed, but something are still the same. you still want to help ppl even if this is a roundabout way  to do it. i trust my instinct and my instinct is screaming at me to give you a fucking chance." He looked away, scratching the back of his head as he continued, "if there's one thing that is made clear to me now is that you're a good person and i was a shittyass kid for not realizing that sooner."

izuku's breath hitched. it's not an apology but it's damn close.

and with that he left izuku dizzy with a confusing cocktail of warmth, shock, and something far too nebulous and strange for him to put a finger to yet. when he first realized it was katsuki who was looking for a surrogate, he'd steel himself of the rejection & lashing out to come. izuku had spent his entire life rejected one way or another, so he was mentally prepare for this to be added to pile esp from the man who had hurt him repeatedly before. when katsuki had left for U.A. and izuku in the dust, they rarely have anything to do w/ each other after that even as he'd followed katsuki meteoric rise to the top, his blazing trajectory that placed him as the current no.1 bc despite everything, katsuki truly is amazing and deserved his place. he just never thought they would meet again in the sort of situation where a baby is the bargaining chip.

izuku was prepared for everything that katsuki would throw at him... but not his fervent agreement. now, izuku got to face the fact that for a year they're going to spend in each other pocket as izuku tries to carry not only katsuki's baby but his hope and future too. it's going to be either a total nightmare or some v v surreal dream bc it's bakugou katsuki with all that fame and temper and strong armed will and izuku is just... plain old izuku. he never had a client w/ such power and weight to throw around and so high profile that every know his name.

oh what did he sign up for, izuku thought as the door to the meeting room was slammed open again and katsuki glared at the director. "wait i want it all to be done today," katsuki said. "put my sperms in him as soon as possible."

izuku dropped his face into his hand and sighed.

the process of getting izuku impregnated is all v clinical and boring. izuku goes under a pseudo heat simulation that fool his body to think he's actually going into heat so his fertility up even more so during this period and he get artificially inseminated w/ katsuki's sperm. this is actually a process and takes several days & even weeks to prepare bc waiting for izuku's most fertile window during his heat period is v v important to have higher chance of success NORMALLY but w/ advance tech izuku can go under a pseudo heat that trigger release of eggs  so they can get it all done pretty quickly and dont have to wait for nature to set it up for them.

katsuki already provided enough sperm to last a fucking lifetime bc he's an overly prepared asshole and it's three days later when they meet back at the clinic to start the process. all of this is under the watchful care of doctors and nurses to make sure everything go right. izuku had done this many times before for his previous clients so this isn't new to him at all but it's the first time that a client specifically demand to be part of the entire process.

izuku stares him down and tells him in no uncertain detail bc it's already weird enough to be the one to carry his former childhood friend's baby but to have him watch izuku get inseminated w/ his sperm?? YEA OK, no. katsuki glowers bc he just want everything to GO SMOOTHLY. his micromanagement & obsessiveness drives the clinic insane but izuku kinda finds it funny and cute?? maybe bc he's aware that it's just katsuki's nerves acting up since this is so terribly new and terrifying for him and HE DOESN'T LIKE IT WHEN THINGS ARENT UNDER HIS CONTROL.

neither katsuki or izuku is alone this bc surrogacy isn't about either them it's about the baby and the ppl who helps make it possible and that's both of them. the surrogate who carries the unborn fetus and donor who gives a part of themselves to make it all possible. izuku hesitates before deciding screw it & reaches out and holds katsuki's hand in comfort AS THOUGH KATSUKI THE ONE GETTING THE PROCEDURE DONE TO HIM. "i'll be fine," he insists. "i've done this plenty of times before and dr. abe even longer than that with 20yrs of experience so i'll be ok."

"I'm not worry," katsuki snaps, even though he squeezes Izuku's hand hard enough that izuku is afraid his bones might crack under the pressure. "i know you'll be fucking fine, wont he dr. abe?" he stares down at the doctor with the full force of his wrath that the doctor shifts nervously.

"o-of course, bakugou-san," dr abe is quick to assure him. "our best ppl is on the job."

izuku rolls his eyes bc while heat inducing artificial insemination isn't exactly a new tech but there's a risk to any kind of medical procedure. it's low though and izuku isn't worry.

katsuki lets him go and izuku just sends him a quick reassuring smile over his shoulder even as katsuki can't take his eyes off of the entire trip to the surgical room. the process takes around 1-2 hours max & izuku comes out of it mostly woozy & still under heat related stress.

he needs to rest the next few days as he lets nature and w/ the help of science takes it course. izuku rests up at the clinic that provide him 24hrs care to make sure everything is alright which is all normal and part of the procedure. what surprise him is that katsuki visiting him DAILY. he actually bring izuku's home cooked meals that are carefully & thoughtfully prepared (healthy food choices!!) that it silences him for a moment.

"you know im not pregnant yet," izuku points out helpfully. "do you want me to explain how biology work in case UA didn't go over it in their curriculum?"

"shut your face and just eat," katsuki says with a glower, and watches intensely as izuku eats every bite and not leave a single piece behind. while there he harasses izuku's nurses and doctors, asking for izuku's vital stats and probing questions about the surgery & his health.it's so annoying and overbearing, but izuku can't help the smile threatening to break through his defense bc that's just like katsuki shoving his business into everything and dominating the entire process even though it is IZUKU who is going through it all. it's dreadfully cute.

izuku is fully recovered after several days of rest as expected and he is, once again surprised, to see katsuki is right there every step of the way as he is release from the clinic. katsuki who took a short shift today just so he can pick izuku up, which IS SUPER RARE. katsuki is a total workaholic and married to his job kind of pro hero so for him to take half a day off is beyond shocking for everyone?? bc HE GOT ENOUGH VACATION/SICK DAYS TO TAKE SEVERAL MONTHS OFF w/o any worry, but he came to take izuku home and make sure everything is in order.

it's not that izuku didn't have any clients wanting to be so involve in the whole surrogacy/pregnancy process but katsuki takes it into a whole new lvl w/ how much he inserts himself into izuku's life like it's not just the baby he care about but izuku too. he delivers izuku home and make sure izuku have his emergency contacts at all time in case ANYTHING, ABSOLUTEY ANYTHING HAPPEN and he wants izuku to text him daily with updates even for stupid things. he's obsessive and demanding and nervous, and izuku thinks it's funny as hell.

so for the next several weeks, izuku flood katsuki's phone w/ commentary about his days that HAS NOTHING TO DO W/ his chance of being pregnant. since izuku full time job is just being a surrogate, he mostly spend his days wandering around the city, reading, volunteering, etc. izuku updates katsuki on his daily activities and while he doesn't always get a reply immediately but his updates are always left on read and sometimes katsuki would leave some *encouraging* word like 'yea,' or 'okay' and izuku doesn't know why but he finds them comforting all the same.

 when he wanders around the city, he'll text katsuki his coordinates bc katsuki is paranoid &wants him to keep away from dangerous area or area under villain attack, he would take pictures of the heroes he see and katsuki would have a snarky comments on each & every one of them. it's in this moments that the two of them really come alive. izuku get a glimpse of the world that he could have had if he had a quirk and pursue his dream of going pro hero and insights on what it's like to be bakugou katsuki, the man standing at the pinnacle of the pro hero scene.

At this point katsuki is even more engaged in izuku's text now. he becomes interest in the books izuku is currently reading, the outreach programs izuku super passionate about esp for young and disenfranchise quirkless youths. then there are izuku's rowdy neighbors and their hilariously complicated love life that izuku is terribly invested bc of his lack of one.

"i think higa-san is going to break up with him today," izuku would update him one day, after watching his neighbors have another blow out.

katsuki texts back an hour later: "yea right, the guy is spineless coward. he wouldn't ever go through it."

izuku lets out a smile as he stares down at the text. it's the most fun izuku ever had in the middle of a job that he forget they're not friends at all but client and surrogate. this is a job for him and izuku is an end to a mean for katsuki. it doesn't mean anything. It couldn’t mean anything. Why is he even trying?

Izuku has been doing the job for seven years and carried his pregnancy to full terms five times. he knows the routine even though each client he had were different from one another and not all pregnancy are the same, but he knows what to expect and prepare. nothing truly surprised him anymore. Or at least they shouldn’t. ,his world didn't suddenly change w/ katsuki's arrival in his ordinary life. izuku is still very much the same person, but all the same he wake up everyday w/ renews energy and lightens heart, looking forward to seeing the text notification from katsuki popping up on his phone screen.

he finds himself looking forward to their interaction the most throughout his days. a glimpse into katsuki's world and what it means to be a part of his life again however temporary it is bc izuku knows there is a time limit to this. he's only allow to talk like this w/ katsuki bc he's doing him a favor, a job, an obligation in exchange of money. they're in a relationship artificially made, they're not friends or colleagues and izuku may be carrying katsuki's baby in the future but he's not a parent w/ katsuki.

He’s an incubator.

these thoughts feel tangibly familiar to his past cases where he had carried the fetus to full term and had to part ways with his baby and the client/parents and separate himself from their lives after the birth but it had never hurt in this way like the thoughts alone would cut his heart into pieces now. it's beyond selfish to get attach and izuku tries to maintain a careful distance w/ katsuki bc they're client and an employee, but katsuki is relentless. he won't settle for just for pieces of izuku and his life. he wants it all. Izuku may be weak enough to give it to him…

 he invests himself into izuku's life, his interest, his worries and thoughts. to katsuki, izuku isn't just an incubator but someone who shares the other half of his baby's genes so of fucking course he IS INVESTED BC izuku is just as important as the fetus he could be carrying right now but izuku has a hard time wrapping his head around it bc while izuku was w/ his other client they were all kind and caring to him during his surrogacy but never to this length. they weren't interest in him as a person but someone who is a means to an end, a tool to make their dream come true.

izuku isn't hurt by that regard bc he knows getting involve w/ your surrogate can be a hot mess & confusing for the baby growing up so izuku knows how to keep his distance and careful to keep his heart walled up but katsuki has a habit of breaking things. He’s so very, very good at it, especially distubring the peace of izuku’s heart.

katsuki may be relentless w/ his attention & dedication but izuku's walls went down embarrassingly easy as though he was waiting for katsuki to reach out toward him after all the years apart and shake him loose from his bubble of solitude. katsuki doesn't realize how affected izuku is by his clumsy and gestures, but izuku won't tell. He’s too embarrassed to ever bring it up because even after all these years katsuki still has such a sever effect on him.

so izuku lends himself to enjoy this upcoming months as much as he can bc once it's over they will part ways again as though they exist solely in different space and the only chance he'll get to see katsuki and the baby is through the screen of his tv. it doesn't bring him any comfort but it's manageable. izuku can deal with it. he got years to get used to it by now.  It’s not gentle but it’s a blunt kind of truth that mend with time.

several weeks after since izuku did the procedure, he doesn't feel any different but izuku wakes up one morning and he could feel a strangeness settling over his body. there are a lot of old wives tales about pregnant omegas and women and most of them are false, standing against scientific knowledge but izuku been going around this block five times already, so he realizes there may be some truths to a few of them.

he gets out of bed and makes breakfast before making sure to send a text and photo to katsuki about his meals bc katsuki is ANAL about making izuku eat right. katsuki motherhenning him miles away even as he is out on patrol is still the most hilarious and weirdly sweet thing, izuku finds. it doesn't feel suffocating at all to him. sometimes he when the thought slip out of him unconsciously he thinks this is what it's like to have an alpha of his own, but katsuki isn't his by any means.

izuku forgoes his favorite breakfast meal this time and go for something he rarely eats. a food that he normally doesn't chose but it feels right this time. it all clicks. the signs were all there several days back. the frequent bathroom usage, his breasts throbbing, and cramps. he'd seen it already but this morning it lines up perfectly like it was all meant to be, like everything is built up just for this moment right here.

so with a bounce to his steps, he waits for katsuki's text back. It takes a few mins when katsuki get back from his morning run bc he got a routine and is terribly predictable in that regard. his following texts rip into izuku's choice of food bc IT ISN'T HIS USUAL at all and katsuki have colorful words about the kind of junk izuku force feed into his body and DOESN'T HE KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF HIMSELF. HOW THE FUCK DID HE SURVIVES ALL THESE YEARS ON HIS OWN.

izuku smiles down at his phone even though katsuki is blasting him and everything he choose to be, but HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT ALL MEANS. it's kinda adorable so when katsuki get into a slow rant about food group and healthy life choices, izuku cuts in:

me: oh btw im pregnant :)

he didn't get any get any respond from katsuki for the next five mins so during that time izuku makes fresh cup of juice to drink while katsuki works to settle down his panic. when he comes back fifteen mins later, it's to a series of angry keymash and texts.

kacchan: a;sjdasdf

kacchan: as;dlifucccck

kacchan: fuck fuck fuck

kacchan: are you serious?!

kacchan: DONT FUCKING JOKE WIHT ME DEKU

kacchan: i'm coming over right now

kacchan: you better be sitting down

kacchan: don't fucking move even an inch

kacchan: YOU HEAR ME

me: ok

izuku sits there peacefully, enjoying his cup of juice as he waits for katsuki's arrival. one of his hand rests over his stomach carefully & though he hadn't taken any test or get his bloodwork done, he knows, instinctively & intimately that there is a life growing inside of him.

it's all very silly and unproven since there's no concrete evidence to support any of it, but maybe it's his omega instinct, maybe it's his experience as a carrier who brought five children into this world, or maybe it's just wishful thinking on his part, but he knows and this is a truth that won’t be brought down.

izuku takes his job v seriously bc people's happiness hinged on his ability to give them a child they earnestly had wished for so he of course he would want to be pregnant as soon as possible, but--izuku looks down at his stomach, this time even more so he wants it to be real.

 he wants to be the one to fulfilled katsuki's earnest wish and give him the child he desired. it's as much a part of his job, his duty, but also something he selfishly wants for himself. this baby, this child will be his only connection to katsuki once his job his completed. they'll part ways after this--no more late night phone calls, morning texts, and silly anecdotes they exchange to each other everyday bc izuku is unlikely to ever see him again. their worlds are just too far apart, like the two planets stuck in orbit but never meeting but at least with this child, izuku knows there is always a piece of him w/ katsuki always. so more than anything, this child will be his gift to katsuki.

he picks up his phone & sends katsuki a text.

me: if you dont mind, could you pick up a pregnancy test just to be sure?

izuku knows himself & his body, but he wants to be 110% sure for katsuki's sake. he doesn't want to get katsuki's hope up only to crush it later. katsuki's respond back is quick and telling.

kacchan: will three do?

kacchan: do you need anything else?

kacchan: i'll get them

izuku pauses, frowning hard as he looks down at his phone.

me: please don't text and drive

me: also, try stay below the speed limits

me: i dont want you to die before you see your child.

this time it takes longer to get a respond back.

kacchan: dont fucking talk to me about the speed laws kacchan: im not a reckless idiot

kacchan: my entire job description is to uphold the law so degenerates dont fucking run amok

kacchan: ... im not driving right now

izuku's brows furrow in thought before a smile cracks across his face.

me: kacchan... did you pull over to the side just to yell at me?

me: that's so terribly cautious and cute of you :3c

me: you're already on your way to becoming a great dad.

kacchan: FUCK YOU!!!!!!

Izuku laughs, light and so tinged with joy that it feels so strange to him to be this happy about something silly as this.

me: not a chance but thanks.

me: dont forget to buy my pregnancy test and i dont need anything else. just come here as soon as possible afterward

and he leaves it that. katsuki doesnt text him back anymore, leaving izuku to wait for his arrival with anticipation. he should get up and clean the apartment so it's presentable at least to katsuki. he hadn't had a guest in a while so this would get a good change but katsuki's warning still loop in his head. getting up to clean the apartment would constitute moving around and izuku is barely into his first trimester so, it's not like he's straining his body or anything. katsuki is just being an overbearing anxious new father.

izuku had seen that before in his past clients, who constantly fret over izuku's health but they're not THE GROUND ZERO and he has the nagging suspicious that he doesn't want to test katsuki's thinning patience with him. it's fun to tease him like this but he knows his limit. so izuku continues to sit there & waits, playing w/ his phone as he scrolls through the hero news site to check any interesting updates. izuku may have long let go of his dream but he can't disconnect from it completely. it's how he stay in the loop w/o actually being a part of it.

izuku's eyes widen as he spots a tweet on the #groundzero tag on twitter that sits atop of all others: "no jokes, guys i think i just a saw #groundzero stormed into my store and headed toward the omega’s hygiene care aisle. he bought a bunch of stuff before heading out.”

it already got a several thousands likes and retweets, with a flood of comments that ranged from "what?? sounds fake lol" or "okay, who would have guess gz would be the one to secretly keeping an omega on the side" and others are filled with more confusion and disbelief.

izuku makes a face. his contract binds him to confidentially and assurance that his identity remains quiet. he never had any problem with his identity being exposed w/ any of previous clients but then again he never had such a famous client before. this--is going to be a headache. he chews down on his lower lip in thought as he shuts down his phone. he's going to have to remind katsuki to be more careful next time lest they figure out what katsuki is up to... and who izuku is to him. not his friend, not his sweetheart, not his omega but his surrogate.

just as izuku ponders about doing damage control, there is a series of loud insistent knocks on his apartment door. izuku blinks and hurriedly to the door w/o any thought who is on the other side bc somehow he knows it got to be *him*.

he opens to door to katsuki's scowling face.

"i told you to not fucking move," katsuki scolds, and pushes his way inside w/o any invite, carefully moving izuku to the side like izuku is made of glass which make izuku annoyed right away but also painfully fond in that . he's an overprotective idiot but he's trying and that's--*something*.

 "how else would i let you in then," izuku retorts, rolling his eyes as he leads katsuki into apartment. "im only couple of weeks pregnant at most and you're already asking for miracles."

katsuki scoffs but doesn't argue as he hands izuku a full plastic bag. "okay, start peeing."

"I--" Izuku opens the bag and looks inside, staring down at the pregnancy tests stuffed to the rim of the small bag, all eleven boxes of them, "I dont have enough pee for this."

katsuki frowns. "drink a lot of water then," he suggests.

Izuku shoots him a glare. "that's not funny," he snaps.

katsuki's frowns deepen. "i'm not being funny," he says.

Izuku sighs and just digs his hand into the bag to grab a handful of the boxes. "i'll do only two so dont even." he throws the rest of the bag at katsuki and heads toward the bathroom.

it horrifyingly takes them all 30mins to be done w/ the tests bc katsuki v loudly insisted that he should do more than two, kept on banging on the bathroom door to let him know that. izuku gritted his teeth and took three more and really DID RAN OUT OF PEE AFTER THE FIFTH ONE.

the wait for the test results which only take a mins or two is ramped up by katsuki anxiously pacing back and forth in front of izuku until izuku grabs him by the sleeve of his shirt and drags him down to the sit next to him in the couch. "it'll be okay," he assures katsuki.

katsuki scowls and brushes off his touch, but he seems to breathe a little easier after that. the first three tests gives them a positive, the fourth is a negative, and the fifth is a positive. izuku frowns at the result. he knows in his heart that is w/o a doubt pregnant and the majority of the results support that but, he casts a nervous glance katsuki whose face is seemingly troubled, that's probably not enough for katsuki who spend a load of money to afford izuku's time, commitment, and body. Izuku is expensive but so is katsuki’s time and investment.

he definitely wants more than a dubious result that isn't 100% guarantee that izuku's pregnant and even if izuku tells him that he is truly pregnant bc izuku knows his own body, that may not go well either. "we can get the bloodwork done tomorrow to check for sure," izuku tries to assures him. Sometimes science speak louder than a parental instinct.

katsuki stares at him, eyes so intently focus on izuku that he feels like's a butterfly pinned under katsuki's gaze. abruptly, he reaches a hand out and grabs Izuku's own, giving it a quick and purposeful squeeze. "Move in with me," he says, sounding so grave and serious.

izuku gets up from his seat. "Do you want something to drink?" he asks, already heading toward the kitchen. "suddenly, im parched."

"did you hear what i just said?!" katsuki demands, trailing after him like a yapping puppy on his heels. "And sit the fuck down! let me get it."

abruptly, izuku stops and turns around to face katsuki with a glower on his face. "im just pregnant and not an invalid," he snaps, annoyance prickling at him. he had been doing this longer than katsuki could even imagine. "And i can get the drinks myself in my *own* home thank you." katsuki's eyes widen slightly at the sharp tone izuku had quickly adapted and heaves a sigh, carding a hand through his hair in frustration like izuku is the one being purposely difficult here. "I--fuck--" He frowns, face scrunches as he search for his next words. izuku waits it out, patient and silence against the inner turmoil that must now be swirling inside of katsuki.

katsuki's gaze drops to the floor, hands balling at his side. his breathing even out as he grimaces. "sorry," he finally settles on with a quiet mumble.

Izuku steps back in surprise. shock, really. "w--wait can repeat that again because i just thought i heard you apologized without any prompting."

katsuki flushes, ducking his head. "shut the fuck up. im not going to repeat myself," he rebukes, but the damage had been done.

Despite the years tempering his recklessness out he can't help wanting to poke the hornet's nest. "i honestly didn't think sorry was in your vocabulary, kacchan," he teases, grinning.

katsuki flinches back as though struck, surprising izuku once more. the words were said in jest, meant to ease katsuki into a laugh or close to it at least but something like pained flickers across Katsuki's face that immediately izuku wants to take it all back, but katsuki's expression had already closed up.

Izuku's heart hurt, thinking that he'd lost him. he'd pushed too hard. they're aren't friends, barely acquaintances really. just a client-employee dynamic that izuku should have been careful of. he always know where to toe the line of the boundaries of his job and with his client, but--they were doing so well that he'd hoped. been so hopeful because it had almost feels like they were sort of friends again.

izuku and katsuki had always orbit each other's world but childish pride, anger, and superiority had torn them apart and izuku was pushed out of Katsuki’s life. now that they're older, izuku is no longer that child blindingly infatuated with this remarkable person before him. he knows what he's capable of and katsuki had certainly earned his place at the top of the world but he won't be cowed either. so it's fine if katsuki doesn't want to fall back into a some kind of make shift friendship with him. it's fine if he just want to think izuku is just a walking incubator for his child. izuku will survive. He had survive this long without katsuki ‘s looming shadow after all.

katsuki hunches over as he grits his teeth. "fuck."

izuku blinks.

  "i'm not that shitty fucked up kid anymore," katsuki nearly growl out, pinning izuku with a look of full intent. "I'm," he swallows, hesitant, wary, "i'm trying to be a better person, a friend, a son, and most importantly a father now that we have a spawn coming our way."

Izuku's heart quickens at the 'we' usage even though it probably means nothing. nothing at all. katsuki was only just opening himself to him. this is something that startling new and truly welcoming experience for katsuki and izuku shouldn't mistake it for anything else. he can't be too greedy. so he steps forward, wanting to reach out and touch katsuki to affirm of his existence, but he doesn't. not when katsuki is like an exposed wire right now--twitchy, nervous, and just a little shy of imploding from carving himself open for izuku to see all his true feelings and motives.

izuku smiles.

"If i didn't think you were a good person then i wouldn't have entrusted this child,” he touches his still flat stomach, knowing life is stirring underneath his palm, "with you." katsuki truly had grown up. he'll be a good father, izuku muses but it's a bittersweet feeling. "i still want my independence though," he continues. "i've done this many times before so you can stop treating me like i'm going to break if you breath the wrong way. thousands and millions of omegas and women have been doing this a lot longer than me and they're fine. im fine, so breathe."

katsuki's presses his lip together into a grim line. "I know that," he shakes his head, "but you dont have to this alone. i'll want to be there with you every step of the way even if it mean you need someone to run to the grocery store for some shitty midnight craving. I want to be the first person you think about when you need any kind of assistance not because you're weak or helpless but because you just need someone, so let me be that person for you," he finishes, looking on in pained after spouting such sweet sentiments.

it makes izuku want to laugh, but he doesn't think that would be welcoming right now because katsuki still got his pride after all. "I'll think about it," he acquiesce, heart warming several hundred degrees as though he's standing under the direct sunlight of bakugou katsuki.

katsuki grimaces, clearly unhappy with izuku's non-answer but he relents anyway with a long heave. "ok, ok, i can deal with that," he says like the words alone was hard enough to swallow, "but if you change your mind at any moment just let fucking know!"

Oh, no, izuku thinks helplessly. he wants to give katsuki a treat for being so annoyingly overbearing but considerate in his own clumsy ways. "well, if you behave yourself, i might even consider taking you with me to my OBGYN doc this thursday," he says casually with a shrug.

Katsuki scowls, but he stands up straighter. "I'll--" he looks away, flushed with an earnest yearning spread across his face, "be good, okay?"

Izuku quietly tucks a smile between his pressed lips before it break through even though this is terrible for his weak, weak heart.

[benhardyisdaddy]

must be a dream - part 3

MASTERLIST 

(welcome to part 3 and i hope u all enjoy this wild roller coaster :))) ALSO i will take every single billy pic/gif yall have plz lolol)

Word Count: 2,475

“And that’s where we are now,” says One. “Here in your apartment while completely disregarding apparently everything. Ya know, staying dead isn’t that hard!”

One had turned around to give Billy an irritated look. He rolls his eyes as he continues to hold Stella close to him. Everyone looks back to you and watches as you stare into space with your eyebrows knitted together. Tears welled up in your eyes as they suddenly begin pouring down. You don’t fight them back or wipe them away. You allow them to trickle down as your mind is racing. You’re trying to wrap your head around everything One had just told you. You weren’t sure how to feel at the moment. 

You were beyond happy to know that Billy was alive and well, but you were also beside yourself. You were hurt and angry, but mostly offended. You lightly shake your head as your eyes scan the room and lock with Billy’s. He swallows hard as your eyes narrow and your chin quivers. He hates seeing you like this. You were destroyed and this was all his fault. 

“You abandoned me.” you barely whisper. 

His heart shattered even more. His face drops as he continues to watch you in distraught. 

“You promised me you’d come back and you never did!” you slightly shout as you stand up fast. “You left me for… For strangers! You left me all alone to cry myself to sleep, so what!? So you could become some superhero? You gave up everything to play dead!?” 

The anger that you had bottled up was finally about to explode. You could feel it burning and gurgling in your chest as everyone takes a step back from you. Your face was going red as your eyes were becoming dark. Billy holds Stella even closer to him as he fights back tears. You were speaking the truth and he knows it. 

“I know,” he says fast. “I know that I hurt you and destroyed what we have! You don’t think it killed me every day to not be able to see you?” he asks. 

“It killed you!?” you ask loudly as you take another step towards him. “How about me going more than a year thinking that you were actually killed!” 

Billy didn’t know what else to say. He felt defenseless. No matter what he says, you were always going to bite back even harder. 

“I will never forgive myself for leaving you, y/n.” he says quietly. 

It goes silent for a moment as you two just stare at each other. Your chin quivers as you slowly shake your head. 

“If I hadn't seen you at the park… Would you have ever came back?” 

You asked a question you already knew the answer to. Billy just stares at you with wide eyes as he thinks about it. He doesn’t answer fast enough and you knew it. No. He wouldn’t of. If you hadn't seen him today, he would’ve snuck away and would have still been dead to you. That’s what hurts the most to think about. 

“You didn’t want me anymore,” you whisper. 

“That’s not true!” Billy harshly whispers back as he takes a step forward. 

You ignore him as you continue speaking. 

“You abandoned me when I needed you the most and if I can go all this time thinking you’re dead, I can go even longer.” 

That statement is what causes Billy to stop in his tracks and lose his breath. It’s as if someone had punched the air out of him. No matter how hard he tried to breathe, he just couldn’t. You can’t look him in the eyes as you walk up and grab Stella from his arms. You hold her against you as you quickly backup and stare at the floor. You were shaking hard as you wipe tears away and sniffle. 

“You don’t get to play dead and decide when it’s more convenient for you to come back into our lives. You need to leave.” 

Your tone was stern, but still hesitant. Of course you didn’t actually want Billy to leave. You wanted him to stay with you forever and always, but you were angry. Beyond angry. No words could describe this feeling inside. You just couldn’t look at him right now. Every time you do, you get more upset. The rest of the gang all look to Billy with their eyes wide. They knew how badly this was hurting him. 

One watches you for a moment as he frowns and walks up to Billy. His heart hurts for you as well, but he needed to take care of his team. He pats Billy on the back and leans in a bit. 

“We need to go.” he whispers. 

Billy is still staring at you as he nods his head, but doesn’t move his feet. He’s frozen in place. 

“C’mon, Four.” whispers One as he slightly pushes him towards the door. 

You want to scream out and tell him to come back, but you don’t. You just watch as everyone exits the apartment. Billy’s the last one to leave, but before he does, he turns around to look at you once more.

“This is where we’re staying and these are our room numbers. Just… In case.” says Two as she slides a piece of paper on your desk. 

You watch her quietly as you nod your head slightly. Billy is watching you intensely as he speaks.

“I never meant to hurt you,” he chokes out. “I was doing something good for once. Something I thought would make you proud.” 

“And you thought making me proud would be by deserting me?” you spat at him. 

You didn’t mean to be so harsh and cruel towards him. You know that every time you are, his heart breaks a little more. You couldn’t help yourself. This anger you felt had a mind of it’s own and you couldn’t control it. You just needed to be by yourself. Billy flinches at your harsh words as he shuts his eyes and tenses his jaw. He takes in a deep breath and turns to walk out. 

“I still love you.” he mumbles just before closing the door behind him. 

Once it’s shut, you hurry up to it and lock it fast. You gently rest your head on top of Stella’s as your eyes squeeze shut. You begin sobbing as your body shakes. You force your way to your bed and sit down on it before your legs go out from underneath you. Stella coos a bit as she wiggles around and drifts to sleep. You thank the gods that you have her in your life. You kiss the top of her head as you lay her down beside you. You lay down as well and close your eyes. Exhaustion hits you like a ton of bricks as you drift off to sleep.

***

“Well, that went as planned.” sarcastically says One. 

Everyone rolls their eyes as Billy sits on his bed with his knees pulled up to his chest. He’s lost in thought as they all speak about what had just happened. 

“What if she turns us in?” asks Five. 

“She wouldn’t do that.” Three says fast. 

“How would you know!?” asks Five defensively. 

“Because you saw the look on her face!” shouts Three. “She’s not saying anything!” 

They all begin talking at once as Billy completely mutes them. His mind is focused on you and Stella only. He then suddenly remembers the letters you wrote. His eyes go wide as he leans over the bed and grabs his backpack. He unzips it fast and pulls out the bundle of letters with his name on them. He holds them close to his chest as he slowly and quietly makes his way off of the bed and towards the bathroom. Nobody notices him as they all bicker at one another. Billy locks the door behind him and walks to the bathtub. He steps inside and sits down. He needed to read at least one more you had wrote. He just needed a part of you with him. 

Dear Billy, 

Two weeks have passed since my last letter to you. I stopped writing for many reasons. Preparing for a baby is very time consuming (I’m sure you’d love every single second of it), work has been busy and, well… I feel almost silly for doing this. For writing to someone who I’ll never see again. Someone who will never read any of these. But ever since I stopped writing to you, something strange has been happening. 

I see you everywhere, Billy. I’ve seen you as clear as day on the other side of the road while I’m out for a stroll. I’ve stopped in my tracks as you just stared at me. It was so real, Billy. It was as if you were actually there, but you weren’t. The moment someone walked by, you would vanish and I would feel completely insane. You’re everywhere and yet nowhere all at once. I keep telling myself it’s my imagination, but I don’t want to believe that. I want to believe that it’s you and that you’re somehow still here. I’ve thought about getting help for it. As much as I love seeing your face in a crowd, it’s become too much for me. 

Your eyes are always so tired with dark bags under them. You never smile - there’s always a faint frown. You seem so unhappy and I so badly want to run across the street and help you, but I can’t. I can never help you again. I’ve failed you and I can never tell you how truly sorry I am. I’m so sorry you’ll never be able to meet our sweet Stella. I’m so sorry that you’re not here to feel her tiny kicks. They’re starting to become more prominent and it feels so real now. She’s real. I still can’t believe we’re going to be parents. I promise that she will grow up to know how amazing her father is. She will never go a day without me talking about you. I promise, Billy. I just miss you so much. I want you home again. I lost my home the day I lost you… So please come back. 

Yours Forever, 

Y/n 

Billy’s face is twisted with tears flooding his eyes. His body is gently shaking as he covers his face with his hand and fights back a loud sob. He should’ve thought all of this through, but he didn’t. Why he didn’t think this would affect you this badly? He’s not sure. All he’s sure about is how he failed you. As a lover and as a friend. And now as a father. He has to make all of this right… And fast. He needs to fix this before he loses you all over again. He owes you at least that much. Before Billy stands up to walk out, there’s a loud bang at the bathroom door. 

“Billy, we need to talk to you!” calls out Two. 

Billy jumps at her sudden voice as he freezes and looks back down at the letter in his hand. He slowly stands up and wipes away the tears from his face. He takes in a deep breath and steps back out into the hotel room. Everyone’s turned and facing him. He knits his eyebrows all confused as he stops and looks around at them.

 “What?” he asks fast. 

“We have an idea,” says Two with a slight smile on her face. 

“About?” asks Billy, still not understanding. 

“About y/n, you idiot!” calls out Three. 

One stands up and walks over to Billy with a hard to read expression. He pats him on the shoulder and raises his eyebrows. 

“You might want to sit down for this.” 

***

You’re still in bed fast asleep with Stella beside you. All was quiet as you snooze away with not a care in the world. You dream of Billy and as it was before he left you. You’re both smiling and laughing as he holds you close to him. Everything seemed so normal and perfect. You were actually happy. He was making you laugh by some cheesy joke he was telling and you never wanted this moment to end… But it did. 

Loud banging caused you to flinch awake. Your eyes fly open as your heart races like crazy. You look over to a sleeping Stella and begin to calm down when suddenly more banging it heard. You gasp as you sit up fast and look towards your door. You slip from the covers and very gently tip toe over to it. You hold your breath as you lean forward and look through the peephole. Your heart almost stops as you spot two men dressed in all black. One of them looks down at his watch to check the time. The other moves his jacket slightly and reveals a gun in his waistband. You cover your mouth with your hand just as one of them leans forward and bangs again on the door. 

“Shit, shit, shit!” you whisper to yourself.

You automatically go into fight or flight mode. All you can think about in this moment is Stella and making sure to keep her safe. Whoever these guys are, they’re more than likely here because of Billy and everyone else. You rush over to a drawer by your desk and pull out a baby carrier that Billy’s mom had gotten for you. You quickly buckle it around your shoulders and waist as you gently pick up Stella. She whines a bit as you place her inside of it and make sure she’s in securely. 

She places her head on your chest as you look around for anything else you might need. Your eyes fall onto a piece of paper on your desk. You quickly remember Two giving you the address for the hotel they’re staying at and their room numbers. You hurry to it and slip it in your pocket. You need to get out of there. You hurry to a window that leads to a set of fire stairs and open it up. The men at the door begin kicking at it brutally. You know it won’t stay closed forever. You hold Stella close to you as you step out into the night and take in a deep breath. 

You’ve been doing this kind of thing with Billy for as long as you can remember. All that’s in your way now is that there’s a baby involved. You look down at Stella and nod your head as you begin making your way down to the first floor. Just as you make it safely, you hear your apartments door fling open. You hear deep voices and the sound of glass shattering as you begin running towards the direction of the hotel. Whoever these guys were, you know six people that might know them.

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[atopearth]

Ikemen Sengoku Part 3 - Date Masamune Route

Masamune is so adorable. He got Nobunaga to give her a task to go around to the other guys’ places to help them out and played pranks on her through that, It’s so cute but funny at the same time. He's so bothered to do all that😂 It must have been quite confronting for the heroine to see his playful side that played pranks on her and showed her around the village having fun with her and then see Masamune go and subdue a guy that was trying to revolt against Nobunaga. Really brave of her to try and stop that crappy leader from running away.

I love Masamune’s teasing, it’s so cute. I laughed so hard when he told her that he wears an eye patch because he ate his eye and he thought the heroine’s eyes looked pretty good too😂 It’s sad that he lost his eyesight due to small pox though and that’s why he decided to just remove the eye itself altogether since he wanted to be in control of himself and that eye was a reminder of a weakness. It’s not a typical reason to have an eye patch so that was interesting. Masamune is so cool though, he cooks for his soldiers, that’s pretty amazing. Also crazy that it’s only the beginning of the story and they’ve kissed already! It’s moving too fast for me! Although I have to admit that if I was the heroine, I’d be attracted to him too dang, he looks so good with or without his eye patch and who doesn’t like a guy that can be playful but also serious?

It was so funny when they hid under the covers from Hideyoshi, such a cliche but exciting development! But I do admit that it is rather scary to see the other side of Masamune where he’d kill anyone that would get in his way of his goals including the heroine. It’s wonderful that he has a dream that everyone can eat good food and lead happy lives, he’s definitely a good ruler. He’s so adorable for having zero tolerance towards alcohol though! And Mitsunari and Mitsuhide leaving the drunk Masamune with the heroine was hilarious hahaha.

Masamune carries such a heavy burden having killed his father to protect his lands. It was quite heartbreaking to have to hear his story, he has a great responsibility to his lands and his people and that is why regardless of anyone or anything, he will sacrifice it all, even moreso in order to make his father’s death worth it. Masamune’s burden wouldn’t be any lighter than Nobunaga’s in terms of how much it weighs on them and they face their respective burdens differently in attitude but with the same goals and heart for it.

Ieyasu is so cute for worrying about the heroine following Masamune to war. He’s right though, if she stayed behind in the castle, she’d still have a reason to smile but once you’re on the battlefield, especially once blood touches your hands, it’ll be difficult for you to ever truly smile again. The weight of death, the burden and presence of it constantly haunting you. It’s rather…unsettling. Really can’t blame the heroine for not being able to kill the poisoner even though he was going to kill her, the first bullet and kill would definitely be the most difficult considering the burden of death you’d have to carry from then on. But having Masamune get hurt from protecting her is also a great burden, I mean if he wasn’t a main character and he ended up dying on the battlefield because this wound hindered him from fighting at 100%, the heroine would still have to carry that guilt for the rest of her life. Thankfully, Masamune won’t die haha.

But I’m glad that even though the heroine really wants to just tell him not to go and take care of his wound instead, she understands the great responsibility he has to his soldiers as their commander and the morale that needs to be kept high especially at this time, and so she chooses to go to the battlefield near him to watch over and protect him as needed instead. She’s a great partner to have that would worry and care for him so much. Ieyasu is such a softie, I love him, he knew he couldn’t stop the heroine from following along to help Masamune so instead of uselessly trying to stop her, he equips her with the people and things he can spare so she can fend for herself and hopefully help Masamune out, in a way, he trusts her quite a bit to hold her own. I’m glad that Masamune stopped her from shooting Kenshin, regardless of whether she hit him or not, it wouldn’t be good for her mental state but at least through this, Masamune can finally understand how important he really is to her and that he really shouldn’t be so reckless without a care for her, he’s got people he needs to take care of alongside her so he shouldn’t rush his death. I’m happy that Masamune understands how hard she was trying to understand him and be on the same footing as him whereas he was constantly trying to run away from his true feelings. He’s right that he doesn’t need her to protect him on the battlefield, she just needs to protect his mental state XD and in order to do that, he can’t let her dirty her hands on the battlefield. She was trying so hard to protect him, she nearly lost herself, she’s so admirable but silly at the same time that I can’t help but love the heroine.

They’re such a great match, he’s still such a tease but that’s the great part about it, I mean he’s still so sincere when he tries to tell her how much he loves her in her modern day terms hahaha. They were so cute when she chased him around hahaha. But yeah, I love that they’re not going to change the way they think and do things in terms of war but they’ve finally resolved to the fact that despite those differences, they want to be together and love each other as they are. It was really nice to see that. I love Masamune’s attitude towards life because he’s right, you’ve gotta decide for yourself what kind of life you want to live and no matter what you do, you’ll eventually get hungry and food always tastes better when you’re laughing than when you’re sad. He’s totally right. He really is an inspiration like the heroine says.

Kidnapped?! Will Masamune choose her this time as the priority? Hopefully. But I agree with the heroine, Kennyo is a pitiful man, someone who only has revenge on his mind because that’s the only reason he remains alive. This is definitely the romantic route because dangg, jumping off a cliff together is definitely the greatest definition of a turbulent but romantic story. The trust they displayed for each other was so beautiful. I can see why Ieyasu is the next route because omggg his tsundere personality (in a cute instead of violent way) and the fact that he’s such a worry wart even though he says he's not is just so adorable! He’s so not honest but you can tell he’s extremely considerate and kind, especially when they jumped off the cliff and he called them stupid but immediately went to the river to search for them because of how concerned he was. He’s such a cutie!

(Dramatic Route) Most of the time, I was quite curious about what Masamune was thinking, so seeing things from his perspective was really worth it. Doing the route all over again is long but I do want to understand Masamune better. I can see why he’s so interested in the heroine though, she’s pretty heroic and stubborn to her beliefs. Someone like her who fights for her principles as he does can’t be unnoticed by his watchful eye haha. Seeing Masamune drunk from his perspective was great lmao, he thought of the heroine as a cute pillow and Mitsuhide and Mitsunari as the tricky and smart pillow hahahaha. That’s so adorable😂

So cute when Yukimura and Masamune came along to send Sasuke off back to their world and they bickered with each other for the whole journey going to Kyoto lolol. It really puts into perspective how enemies could actually be capable of being friends, which is also very dangerous though because that can affect them wanting to achieve their ultimate objectives. Nevertheless, still cute. Wow, Masamune keeping that picture she drew close to his heart so that he’ll remember that the only place he can die is by her side is so cool omg. They separated for a year but nothing has changed, whether it be their love or passion for each other, and they get jealous when other people are close with the other hahaha.

Masamune really has a way with his words. I’m quite taken with him. Not as much as the heroine but enough hahaha, he is a pretty sensual and seductive man. Everything about him screams this fiery passionate relationship so if you like those, Masamune is a good choice hahaha. They’re so adorable together, I love them hahaha.

[elvendara]

Christmas Yooran

A knock at the door tore him away from his stargazing. He was trying to tune out the noise in the rest of the house. Saeyoung and MC had decided to host a Christmas party for the RFA members. He'd stayed out there for a few minutes, but even the small amount of exposure had drained him. He had hidden in his room, leaving the door open just so Saeyoung could peek in at him. He knew his brother still worried about him.

So far, he had been left alone, but he supposed it was no surprise that his brother would try and drag him back again. He was startled to see a blonde head at the door when he finally turned. Yoosung.

"Hey!" He waved cheerily, a rectangular package in his other hand. It was wrapped in bright red and gold Christmas wrapping paper with some silver ribbon crisscrossing it. Saeran flicked his eyes from the present to Yoosung's face and back, confused. "Can I come in?" He asked shyly.

Saeran stood and nodded slightly, sticking his hands in his pockets, keeping his eyes away from the bright box.

Yoosung's smile split his face in two and he bounced inside excitedly, a rosy blush across his nose and cheeks. Saeran looked away, feeling the flush spreading across his own face.

"Here! I wanted to give this to you. I thought, well, that you'd prefer not to have everybody watching." he held the package out tentatively, as if to a dangerous animal that might take his hand along with the gift. Saeran supposed he deserved that kind of reaction. he hadn't been very kind to the blonde.

Yoosung's demeanor began to waiver as the seconds ticked by without Saeran taking the offered present. His feet shuffled back and forth, agitated.

Saeran slowly reached for it, as if it would blow up in his hands. Why was Yoosung being so kind? The last time they'd seen each other Saeran had screamed at him to leave him alone, "I don't have any friends, and I don't need any friends so just FUCK OFF!" he felt shame and guilt, but he steeled his heart against the boy. And here he was, making it difficult to keep him at arm's length.

He grabbed the package and ripped it open. It was a clothes box, he set it on the bed and pulled the top off. He moved the red tissue paper out of the way, revealing a folded lavender sweater. He pulled it out, unfolding it, and holding it up in front of him. It was long sleeved, with lopsided ice cream cones in different colors. There were sections where the knitting was too loose, and sections where it appeared too tight.

"Uh, I know it doesn't look too good. I tried my best, but, I've never knitted before. You should see my first attempt." Yoosung laughed self-deprecatingly. "You...you don't have to wear it or anything. I just, wanted to give you something nobody else could." he explained.

Saeran blinked, his chest constricting. Yoosung had spent his valuable time trying to make him something. And this wasn't his first attempt. Why was he making things so difficult? Why couldn't he be pushed away? Why was he so fucking cute?

He pulled the sweater over his head and yanked it down to his waist. It was longer on the right side than the left, and about a size too big, but it was the best thing he had ever worn. He glanced towards Yoosung, who was beaming. His hands were clasped together, hovering over his mouth.

"Uh, thanks." Saeran whispered, barely audible. He contemplated briefly whether or not to give Yoosung the present he had prepared. He had already decided not to, but now, he couldn't let him walk away with nothing from him. He knew it would be a mistake, it would make Yoosung even more insistant to make a friendship between them work, but, looking at those eyes, he just had to.

He pulled a canvas from beneath his bed and handed it to Yoosung, he hadn't even bothered to wrap it. "Merry Christmas." he mumbled.

Yoosung grasped the canvas, his eyes wide, mouth open in awe. It was a painting of his LOLOL avatar, but, with Yoosung's face on it. The armor practically gleamed!

"You...you painted this? Wow! Oh my god! Saeran, it's amazing! I love it!" his voice rose to a higher octave as he gushed over the gift. Saeran rubbed the back of his neck, he hadn't expected such an over the top reaction, he'd definitely made a mistake.

"Thank you!" he held the canvas with one hand and gave a quick hug to Saeran. Saeran stiffened at the contact. Yoosung backed away instantly, muttering an apology. "Uh, sorry...I...uh...I'll...just...ok..." He backed out of the room and turned when he got to the door way. Saeran arched his eyebrows, a small smile playing across his face before he shook it off and brooded once more. Yoosung was not a luxury he could afford.

He went back to gazing at the stars, his fingers playing with the edges of the sweater. He couldn't help but feel some sort of elation at the fact that someone cared enough about him to take the time and effort to make something like this for him. And the fact that it had been Yoosung, warmed his heart some. He tried to stamp it out, but the ember wouldn't go out.

A while later, Saeyoung stepped into his room and sat across from him on the edge of the bed.

"Nice sweater." He grinned.

"Shut up! Idiot!" He retorted, it was mostly out of habit now, not out of any real animosity towards his brother.

"Yoosung is out there showing off his painting to everyone, he won't stop talking about it." He laughed. Saeran blushed and looked away, his shoulders stiffening in defense.

"You should tell him you know." Saeyoung offered after a prolonged silence, as he watched his brother run the hem of his new sweater through his fingers almost lovingly.

"Tell who what?" Saeran countered, although he knew exactly who and what his twin was talking about.

"I'm serious Saeran. You deserve to be happy."

"Yoosung doesn't deserve me. He deserves someone who isn't broken and jagged. I will never be healthy, we both know that! It wouldn't be fair to him, besides, we both know he likes girls."

"Is that what's really holding you back? Are you afraid you will be rejected?"

Saeran shrugged.

"I know what you're trying to do Saeyoung...but..."

"No! No buts! Look, I know what you're feeling. I'm broken and jagged too. I tried to push MC away, for her own safety I told her. But, in reality I felt, and still do, just like you. That she deserved better, that I didn't deserve to be happy. She was so damned stubborn though, and now, I can't believe I almost threw away the best thing to ever happen to me. I'm happy! Even though I still feel I don't deserve to be. You and MC are my family, my life, and I can't even begin to tell you how happy I am to have you both. And I truly believe you can have that too!"

Saeran stood and pressed his forehead against the chilly windowpane. "Things are different for you. I know, I know you have your own issues, i know how depressed you get. I get it! I know! But, you don't get violent, how can I ask anyone, especially someone as innocent and naive as Yoosung, to live with that? I...I would only end up hurting him."

"Shouldn't that be my decision?"

The twins twirled and stared at Yoosung, who had stepped silently into the room.

"H...how long have you been there?" Saeran stuttered.

"Long enough." he bit his lower lip, eyes glued to Saeran, so bright, so large, so beautiful Saeran couldn't look away.

Saeyoung cleared his throat and stood, "Why don't I leave you two alone to talk." he placed his hand on Saeran's shoulder and squeezed encouragingly. Saeran's eyes never left Yoosung. Saeyoung closed the door behind him to give them as much privacy as he could.

"Saeran..." Yoosung reached out to him, but Saeran turned back towards the window. He didn't know if he was strong enough for this conversation.

"I...I'm not as fragile as you seem to think."

"Yoosung...please..." Saeran pleaded.

"Talk to me, just...talk...tell me how you feel, be honest with me. That's all I ask. I...I care about you Saeran. If you're too scared to say it, I will. I...I...I like y..."

"Stop!" Saeran whirled around, hands fisted at his sides, his eyes blazing with animosity and anger. "You don't know anything! You're naive and stupid!" he hissed. Tears sprang into Yoosung's wide eyes, but he didn't back down.

"I know what you're trying to do. It isn't going to work!" Yoosung yelled back, taking a step closer to the taller boy. "You can keep denying how you feel, like a coward, but I'm not. I like you. I like you a lot."

Saeran's anger melted away, his shoulders slumping as he stared into those enraged amethyst eyes.

"Did...did you just call me a coward?" he asked, incredulously.

Yoosung backed down, casting his eyes away, lifting his fingers to chew on his nails nervously. "Uh...maybe..." he admitted.

Something bubbled inside Saeran and he burst out laughing. The disused muscles on his face aching almost immediately.

Yoosung watched, riveted by the rarest of sights. Saeran's eyes crinkled around the edges and shone with humor. He looked beautiful. He looked delicious. Yoosung began to cough, his body igniting at that single thought.

Saeran's laugh cut off and he began to smack Yoosung's back. "You ok?" he asked, concerned.

Yoosung tried to catch his breath, he nodded vigorously, as he got himself under control.

Once he was breathing relatively normally, he couldn't look Saeran in the face. He felt so embarrassed for objectifying the man.

There were several seconds of uneasy silence. Saeran finally took a deep breath. Could he really have this? Could he really be happy? Was Saeyoung right? Was there a future in which those eyes would be the first and last thing he saw each day? He wanted it. But what if he got burned? Shit, was Yoosung right? Was he a coward? Would it be better to get burned than to not even try?

"Saeran..." Yoosung reached out again, this time, Saeran did not move. The hand touched his arm, sliding down to grab his hand. Those eyes were looking at him again, and there was something in them he'd never seen before. Hope, desire, need, want, and, was that love? His defenses collapsed, his heart too heavy to carry any more burdens. And here stood someone who was asking to carry some of them. He broke.

[saeyounggi]

RFA + When They Realize They’re In Love

ohhh, look a headcanon/scenario post! :D this was a whole lot longer than i originally planned, but oh well!! i played around with each of their stories, so i hope you don’t mind <3 <b>you can find JAEHEE, JUMIN and 707′s under the cut! if you have any requests, feel free to shoot them my way. anyway, i hope you enjoy!

RFA + THE MOMENT THEY REALIZE THEY’RE IN LOVE

YOOSUNG

Yoosung thinks he’s sick.

His heart starts palpitating, his palms grow sweaty and he’s so out-of-focus that he’s losing his streak on the LOLOL leadership boards. He downs a cup of coffee, glaring at his bedroom clock, which stared back with a 22:12pm in bright blue lights. It’s way too early to be feeling tired, he thinks.

He sighs, exiting the server and letting the game’s background music blast through his computer’s speakers. He places a hand to his neck, feeling for a warm temperature, only to end up confused as he realizes he’s not even remotely feverish. Worriedly, he calls her up, sure that she would know what’s up with him.

“Hey [Name],” he says, going back to his desk to take another swig of coffee. He joins another server, hoping LOLOL would help calm his nerves. Why was he always so nervous when he was talking with her? He prattles on about his supposed “symptoms” as he patiently waits to be connected to the server.

“Sounds like you’re in love,” she suddenly blurts out. He almost sprays his coffee all over his computer at those words. He can tell she’s joking. She was joking, right? Right? He tries to come up with a reply, but all that comes out of him is a strangled sound. He hears her laughing from the other end. “Ohhh, bulls-eye! Who’s the lucky person? Is it me you’ve fallen for?”

Yoosung’s eyes widen at this, and his heart feels like it’s about to burst out of his chest and start tap-dancing on his desk. He’s stunned to a silence; his mind is racing, wondering whether or not to confirm her statement. Well, that would certainly explain why he always felt so worked up around her. Before he could even answer her question, he hears her awkward laughter on the other end of the phone.

“Hey, I was kidding! Playing some LOLOL might calm your nerves, but I suggest not staying up too late. It might actually be a fever, after all.” Yoosung manages to quickly blurt out an apology as well as a thank you, before wishing her a good night and ending the call without waiting for her reply. He leans back on his chair, staring at the cream-colored ceiling above him.

It’s when he places both of his hands on his chest and feels the rhythmic thumping of his heart. It’s when he tries to steady his breathing, and when he finally does, he remembers what she said and wheezes. It’s when he realizes that he knows the answer to her earlier question, but he was too shy, too scared to actually answer her. It’s when he makes a promise to tell her, face-to-face and unabashedly, one day. Yoosung’s eyes linger to his desk clock.

It’s at 22:17pm on a LOLOL-filled Tuesday night that he realizes that he’s completely, head-over-heels in love with her.

ZEN

Zen can’t sleep.

He’s lying in bed, positively tired after a day’s work. He knew he did well earlier, yes, but his own self-reassuring thoughts did very little for his nerves. Ever since the whole hacking situation, he’s been on edge during his performances; he can’t help but be upset at himself for not giving his all for his audiences.

Despite being an “egotistical prick”, as Jumin calls it, he was often hit by waves of doubt during these late sleepless nights. His self-reassuring thoughts began to shift into ones of doubt, pushing him to twist and turn in his suddenly uncomfortable bed.

Was he a genuinely good actor? Did people watch his musicals for his talents or for his looks? Would he ever be more than just a handsome face up on the stage? He was jolted back to reality by the sudden ringing of his cellphone. He begrudgingly reached out to view the caller ID: [Name].

Without a second thought, he immediately answers the call. Her cheerful voice was tinged with a hint of her own weariness. He feels his heart begin to swell, savoring the way her voice says his name. “Can’t sleep either?” he says, genuinely happy to find her calling him out of all the other RFA members.

“Yeah,” he hears her say. “I was hoping you were awake. I’m glad I was actually right.” His chest tightens at this, and he can’t help but smile at the thought of her thinking about him at such an hour. He finds a sort of solace in her, thankful for her constant presence amidst all the happenings in his life.

The two converse, and he finds the weight on his shoulders gradually become lighter. His heart is both calm and erratic, and he finds himself laughing together with her, despite being miles apart. When he hears her congratulate him for the show he put on, for being such an amazing actor on-stage, for doing so well, even if he may not believe so, he almost starts crying.

“You’re doing so well, Zen. I’m sure all your fans can agree that you’re doing so much more. I mean that, truly. If you ever need anyone to talk to, I’m here. So is Jaehee and the rest of the RFA,” she says from the other end of the line, and he allows himself to think that she means it. No, he knows she means it; it’s in the way that she speaks to him that he knows she’s saying nothing but the truth.

It’s when she says her good night that he catches himself almost saying it. He purses his lips, blundering out a good night of his own before slamming the END CALL button. It’s when his eyes shoot wide open, and he feels a ditzy smile gracing his lips. It’s when his self-doubting thoughts are replaced by thoughts of her. He brings his pale hands to his hair, and he can’t help but marvel at how much she affects him.

It’s when he catches himself thinking about her in wonder does he realize that he’s crazy about her.

((more under the cut))

JAEHEE

Jaehee is completely confused.

She’s standing by the stage, fingers fidgeting with her ID lace. She’s never been this nervous for a party before. It wasn’t that she doubted [Name]’s ability at party-planning. No, she was quite impressed actually. It was just that [Name] herself was right there, amidst all the party-goers, and they were going to meet for the first time.

Jaehee wasn’t quite sure why the latest RFA recruit had her in such a weird state. Despite the whole situation with Jumin and her weariness from taking care of Zen, she felt strangely energized at the thought that she would meet [Name] tonight. Normally, Zen’s presence would’ve been enough, but tonight was definitely not one of those times. No, she wanted nothing more than to talk to her, and the thought that she might not actually enjoy her physical company was enough to fill Jaehee’s mind with negativity.

“Jaehee,” she hears Yoosung’s cheerful voice call out to her. She directs her attention to the blond, who’s waving at her from the buffet. She slowly makes her way there, still anxious about how to approach [Name] for the first time. She quirks her eyebrow at Yoosung and says, “Is there anything bothering you, Yoosung?”

“Me? No, no. I was going to ask you the same thing actually. It isn’t normal for you to look so antsy,” he says, lips quirking into a small smile. Jaehee couldn’t help but be surprised that Yoosung, of all people, had seen right through her. She sighs, nodding in agreement.

“I just don’t quite understand why I feel so excited over some girl,” Jaehee starts, nodding at the direction of [Name]. She watches Yoosung’s eyes flicker over to the RFA planner before continuing, “I mean, she’s a dear friend, but she’s so much more than that! She’s amazing, supportive and kind. I’m just nervous about making a mistake in front of her, I suppose.”

Jaehee couldn’t help but blush at the slew of words that flew out her mouth. Yoosung lets out an amused huff before settling into a small, teasing smile. “Jaehee, you’re the most organized person I know. You won’t make a mistake! Besides, you understand perfectly well why you feel so excited. You said it yourself.”

She blinks. Jaehee recalls her earlier words, eyes widening in realization at the particular moment. She’s so much more than that, she thinks, taking deep breaths. She can’t help but let out a giggle at the way she acted. She thanks Yoosung, who nods over to [Name] with a wink. She feels her feet moving and her heart racing, and before she knows it she’s right in front of her.

It’s when she first looks at [Name], face-to-face and in the flesh, and the word breathtaking is not enough to describe her. It’s when she hears her laughter in person for the first time, and she can’t help but want to hear that laughter forever. It’s when she can’t stop smiling at how [Name] tucks her hair behind her ear or how her eyes light up when Jaehee finally starts talking about her plans for a café.

It’s when the words “Will you be my partner?” tumble out of her mouth does she finally accept that she’s absolutely smitten.

JUMIN

Jumin feels like he’s going insane.

Ever since he let [Name] stay with him at his apartment, he’s thought of nothing but her and Elizabeth the III’s safety. He’s been pushing Luciel and the rest of the RFA to work on the problem while he tried to get in touch with V, the only other person who could help them. It’s the first time he’s felt so helpless with a situation, and it wasn’t a pleasant feeling. He was used to being in control, but now everything was happening so quickly, he finds himself wondering if he would ever get the chance to breathe. He leans back on his leather chair, letting out a heavy sigh.

His earlier conversation with Elizabeth the III had been bothering him for hours now. Did he truly mean what he had said earlier? he thought to himself, recalling how distant he had felt with Elizabeth the III. Was he simply projecting certain feelings towards the beautiful Persian feline? Would there be anyone who would truly understand him?

Before he could think deeper into this, he detects a peculiar scent wafting into his study. He narrows his eyes, wondering just what was causing such a strangely appetizing scent. He abruptly stands up, making his way into his pristine kitchen. He is pleasantly surprised at the sight of [Name] hunched over the stove. An assortment of vegetables and a bowl of shredded cheese lay atop the kitchen counter, and he watches her pour what looked like ground beef into a pan.

Jumin strides over to her, and he watches her turn to him with a look of embarrassment. “Jumin! I-I’m so sorry. I wanted to use the kitchen for a moment and, well, looks like I’ve been caught,” she says, shyly. He shook his head, offering her a gentle smile in reassurance.

“It’s fine,” he says before looking pointedly at the piece of kitchenware atop his stove. He grew curious as to what she was preparing. After all, his pantry housed a wide array of ingredients, and yet her dish seemed so simple, something contrary to what he would usually feed himself. “What dish are you preparing?”

“Ah, well, I couldn’t understand what was written most of the ingredients, so I ended up just making some tacos,” she said, moving to add pepper and seasoning into the pan. Jumin felt his eyebrows scrunch up together. Tacos? Weren’t those the tortilla dishes served at those fast food restaurants?

The bouts of laughter that came from [Name] indicated that he did not say those words to himself. He cleared his throat, mildly cursing his lack of knowledge on such cuisine. He felt a slight heat rise up on his cheeks. What was wrong with him? He was normally so composed in front of people.

“I can assure you, my tacos are healthier. If you’re curious,” she pauses to gesture over to the seats by the kitchen counter. “I can let you watch how I prepare it.” She says this gently, and Jumin doesn’t know whether to be amused at the fact that he’s learning from [Name], of all people, or at the fact that he’s actually learning how to prepare tacos, of all dishes. He finds himself seated comfortably, and as he listens to her humming, he lets himself relax, if only for a while.

After a couple of minutes, Jumin finds himself face-to-face with [Name] and a plate of freshly-made tacos. He reaches over to grab a knife and fork from the cutlery drawer when she hands him a few pieces of tissue. He watches as she gracefully picks up a tortilla shell, which was filled with ground beef, lettuce, cheese and other ingredients that she had managed to pick from the pantry. He mimics her actions, carefully making sure that the filling wouldn’t spill onto his three-piece suit. He brings the tortilla shell to his mouth, taking a medium-sized bite into it.

It’s when he savors the taste of something he would consider as commoner food and finds himself wanting, wishing for more of her cooking. It’s when he finds her smiling widely at him, a stray piece of lettuce finding itself at the front of her teeth. It’s when he finds himself chuckling and pointing to his own teeth to signal her. It’s when a blush rises to her cheeks, tainting her a pretty pink color. It’s when he, for the first time in days, feels genuinely relaxed without Elizabeth the III around. It’s when he senses the constantly rising beat of his metronome heart, and when he wishes that the rest of his days would be filled with her ringing laughter, her delicious cooking and just, her. He wants to be with her.

It’s when he realizes that he’s ready to let go of everything else, just to have her by his side, does he figure out he’s absolutely bewitched by her.

SAEYOUNG / 707

Saeyoung has been in denial since the beginning.

He was pretty sure he had fallen for her the moment he caught her smiling at one of the CCTV cameras. It was when he had told a joke in the chatroom, and although it was an obscure one, she managed to retort a witty reply. For a brief moment, he let himself look at the cameras, and he caught her smiling widely, as if she knew he would be looking at her. It was in the way she smiled, with her nose scrunching up and her hair falling out of place, that he knew he was completely done for.

Of course, he knew he had to push these dangerous feelings back to the deepest recesses of his heart. His line of work meant putting anyone he cared about in danger, and Lord knows what he would do if she was in danger. He just couldn’t afford risking her life for his own selfish desires. He wouldn’t be able to give her the life she deserved anyway.

This denial stage, however, is slowly getting tiring, Saeyoung thought as he took a break from the never-ending wave of work that Vanderwood kept sending him. He cracks his knuckles and pushes himself away from his desk. He figured he had time to tinker around with his spare parts right now; it was the least Vanderwood could give him after pushing him to work to the bone.

He steps into his glorious garage, and he finds himself smiling as he sees all of his cars lined up neatly and in pristine condition. He walks over to his workbench, and he quickly takes a seat at one of the chairs propped up against it. He feels his fingers fidget, and he finds himself wondering why he wanted to tinker in the first place.

Ah, because he wanted to stop thinking about her, he thinks to himself as he lets out a long sigh. He had been reminiscing on one of the first few moments he had felt attracted to her earlier. Shaking his head, he lets his hands move to the assortment of cogs and gears that made up his spare parts pile. However, despite his best efforts at concentrating on building, he couldn’t get her face out of his thoughts.

She was all he could think about nowadays. Her perfectly curved lips and her wide, curious eyes filled up most of his dreams. Her witty and hilarious responses made his heart sing, and when he would catch her waving at the cameras, he couldn’t help but be drawn to her. Her filling up his thoughts led to him worrying about her and her safety. Every day he would wish for nothing but the opportunity to go to her and to be there by her side. He knew his feelings were becoming dangerous, but there was just so much a man could take. If only there was some way to keep her both safe and happy without physically being there, he thinks to himself, sullenly.

He looks down at his hands, surprised to see a half-finished robot of sorts in his hands. He narrows his eyebrows, focusing on building and combining the many parts with one another. Somehow he knows what he’s doing without a concrete and cohesive plan. Within an hour, he manages to assemble a robot cat of sorts. He pushes a button near the nape of its neck, and he’s amused to find that it spews out fire.

“Perhaps this will protect you, [Name],” he says before he can even think about it. His eyes widen at his own words, and he shakes his head and lets go of his creation. He’s silent, but only for a moment. He immediately pushes his glasses upward, reaching for his phone. Before he can properly think about it, he snaps a picture and sends it to the chatroom.

It’s when he leans back and soaks up the scent of oil and metal lingering from when he created the robot. It’s when he feels the blood rushing to his ears at the realization that he made this for her, for her. It’s when he feels his heart skip a beat at the sight of her name, his hands flying to see what she had written back. It’s when he finds himself smiling at her response, despite his best attempts not to. It’s when he shakes his head, trying so hard to deny it yet knowing his attempts are in vain, that he realizes he has fallen madly in love with her.

It’s when he least expects to fall in love that he finds love coming at him at full speed, and he’s absolutely, wholly enraptured by her.

EDIT: A sequel to this piece is out! It’s called RFA and V + The First Time They Say I Love You <3 Go give it a read :D

[jiminelli]

You Don’t Know Me | 2

Request: I can’t really think about an actual story plot but maybe yoongi getting you pregnant and he chickens out… Aw This is such a bad description but since you’re an amazing writer ypu can pull it off better ☺💖 thank you!

Pairing: Yoongi + Reader

Genre: Angst

Word Count: 1.922

Warnings: swearing, numbers (lolol)

A/N: gosh I suck at math so I hope the numbers are right… also please leave feedback if you want more!

Part 1 | Part 3

A month.

4 weeks.

31 days.

744 hours.

44.640 minutes.

2.678.400 seconds.

155 breakdowns.

49 panic attacks. 

12 sleepless nights. 

That’s how you counted the time since you had last heard from Yoongi. All that time passed without him answering your calls or messages, leaving you on read and declining every single one of your calls. 

He wants me to feel ignored, otherwise he’d just let the phone ring - or not click on my messages.

He wants me to know he’s there but not ready yet.

That’s his game.

You didn’t want to give up on him. He was everything you had, everything you had counted on. He was your best friend, your partner in crime, your lover and your other half. You had hoped for a future with Yoongi. Always supporting him and his moody behavior. Being there for him no matter what because you knew how stressed he was and how burdened he felt. So you didn’t stop leaving messages, as random as they were. You knew he was just being stubborn, you knew he would never leave you just like that.

He loves me.

He does.

He’s just having a hard time.

You started coming by their dorms every second day, hoping to get Yoongi out of his box. Being friends with the boys as well, they didn’t really mind. It was weird for you in the beginning because you two had been dating for so long, yet you had never really been at the dorms that often. Dating Yoongi meant spending more time with him at the studio than at the dorms. It was a nice change to be able to spend time with the others as well but you always knew in the back of your mind that the actual reason behind that situation was everything else but nice. And Yoongi knew how to remind you every time you visited - not once had you seen his face or heard his voice. He disappeared as soon as he knew you were coming over and wouldn’t come back until you had already left. You weren’t even the one telling him that you were coming over, hoping that one day he’d be there to talk things out face to face but he always found his ways to be gone before you could even notice. You still saw his things lying around, things he usually had lying around at your dorm. Familiar pieces of his, spread around the dorm, reminding you how his things were here but he would never be.

He’s just not ready. He needs time.

The boys knew what had happened between you two and you felt their pitiful glances they threw your way when they thought you weren’t paying attention. But you saw. They were always there. During dinner. While playing video games. Helping with the chores. Watching a movie. Going over their choreographies. You saw and it broke you more each time. Even they knew how pathetic you were behaving. 

And that’s what it was - pathetic. You knew it, Yoongi knew it, the boys knew it, everybody knew it. Still, you couldn’t give up because in the end of the day, it wasn’t only about you and Yoongi but about the baby. Your baby needed a dad, not only a father. And you were just as stubborn as Yoongi, so you wouldn’t give up so easily. Your child was not going to be raised by a single mom, a college student who could barely take care of herself. It was going to live better than that.

He’ll give in. I know he will. 

At that moment, a soft pillow hit you in the face and screams erupted through the living room. Before you could realize what was going on, Taehyung had ducked behind you, making Jungkook run around your tiny figure in circles, making Taehyung shove you around like a shield to protect himself, earning screams of confusion from you.  

“You coward, move away from (Y/N)!”, Jungkook screamed and laughed before jumping forward, taking you to the ground with him as he landed on Tae, pinning his figure to the ground in a merciless grip.

“Jungkook, let go, you’re gonna break my arm!”, Taehyung laughed while screaming out in pain, making Jin rush into the living room to your side. Stretching out his hands for you, you thankfully grabbed them and he helped you up before parting the two boys in one swift move.

“Are you two crazy?! We have a pregnant woman here, you could have hurt her and the baby! Stop running around like that or you’ll be cooking your own meals until this baby decides to break free”, Jin scolded while sitting you down on the couch, handing you a pillow and a blanket. You raised your eyebrows at him in confusion and laughed at his choice of words.

“For support. The baby needs it”, he simply answered and positioned it himself when you didn’t make a single move. 

“You can’t do that Jin Hyung! She’s not even fat yet!”, Jungkook exclaimed and earned a smack on the back of his head from his hyung. The maknae winced and rubbed his head in pain, whilst Taehyung laughed at the comical scene in front of him, earning a death glare from Jin.

“Shh, you don’t say that to a girl Jungkook. Don’t you have any manners?”, Jin looked angry but you just laughed and sat up.

“He’s right though, I’m not even fat yet. I’m just two months pregnant, Jin. Stop worrying so much”, you smiled at the older boy but he just shook his head and sat down next to you as the two others left the room to play video games in their bedroom.

“The first three months are the most critical ones (Y/N)! You should know that. Anything could happen”, he looked at you seriously concerned, so you grabbed his hand, rubbing your thumbs over his soft skin. You noticed him shiver and quickly look away but chose to ignore it.

“I know Jinnie. Thank you for taking such good care of me. I don’t know where I’d be without you”, you grinned foolishly but meant it. He had been there for you the second Yoongi decided to break it off and ignore you. In the heat of the moment you had called Jin right after you had calmed down from the first shock and since then he hadn’t left your side. He always made sure that you were doing okay, that you were eating and getting enough sleep, even bringing over food to your dorm himself if you couldn’t come over. He also made you tell him your check up appointments so he’d know if anything was wrong. He cared and you were truly thankful.

“You’d definitely be lost, I can tell you that”, he mumbled but smiled and pulled you into a hug. You were taken aback for a second as you inhaled his scent. He smelled manlier than expected and for a second, goosebumps arose on your skin before you heard a door being slammed shut and someone shuffling lazily into the room. You turned around, breaking free from the embrace and saw him. He was standing still in between doors, eyes glued to Jin’s hands on your waist.

“Yoongi”, you exhaled, eyes wide and watery as your heart started beating faster by every second that passed while he just stared. He looked exhausted, more than usual. Deep bags under his eyes, colored in deep purple and blue, signaling that he mustn’t have gotten lots of sleep in the past couple of weeks. His skin looked paler than ever and dehydrated, having lost all natural glow. His figure was skinnier than before and you were scared that he wouldn’t be able to hold himself up for much longer. At least he seemed to have taking care of his hair and clothes as his outfit and hair were styled enough to walk out of the house.

“I-I’m going to see what the others are doing”, Jin quickly got up, shooting you one last glance before walking out in the opposite direction of Yoongi. The boy’s eyes followed his hyung until he had left the room, basically shooting daggers into his direction before turning his gaze to you.

“Yoongi we-”, you started but he interrupted you harshly.

“Why was he touching you like that?”, his voice was icy like the last words that he had directed at you when he left you a month ago.

You were confused. “What?”

“Why was he touching you like that (Y/N)?”, his stare had something unreadable in it. Hands balled into fists on the sides of his body, his eyes didn’t leave your face.

“Touch like what Yoongi?”, Jin had only hugged you. You didn’t know what was going on. 

“His hands were on your fucking waist (Y/N)! Don’t act like I’m fucking blind”, he scoffed and rolled his eyes in annoyance.

Oh.

He was jealous. Min Yoongi was jealous even though he had broken up with you. Even though he had ignored all your calls and texts, avoided you for a whole month and left you alone with an unborn baby. 

That’s when it clicked.

Calling your state furious would be an understatement.

“So what if his hands were on my waist? He takes very good care of me and the baby, so he’s allowed to touch me”, you spat in an attempt to let Yoongi feel what you had been feeling that whole time. Even though he looked bad, he couldn’t have been through half the stuff you had been through the last weeks.

In the end of the day, he was the one who broke it off right?

Yoongi huffed and went through his hair with one hand. “So what, Jin’s the baby daddy now? As soon as I’m not available, you run to the next best dude?”, he was practically screaming at this point and you heard a door being shut silently. The boys were trying not to listen.

Damnit.

“As soon as you’re not available? Are you fucking crazy? You broke up with me because I told you that I am pregnant. I tried to get you back because I knew you are stubborn and just needed time but you treated me like shit, Yoongi. Like literal shit. I come by every other day to get you to talk to me but no, mister fuckhead even knows a way to avoid me at his own home”, you had stood up and your face was red from anger at that point. Tears were streaming down your face uncontrollably. Your chest was burning from the heartache and all the pain he was making you go through again. Flashbacks from the painful words he had thrown at you, came rushing back, a new panic attack arising within you. 

Please not now.

“I-I didn’t mean to”, he whispered and lowered his head. 

“What?”, you weren’t sure if you had heard him correctly. Trying to calm down your breathing, you closed your eyes and balled your hands into small fists.

“I said, I didn’t mean to hurt you like that”, he lifted his gaze and spoke up, voice breaking as he looked at your state.

“Well surprise, you did it anyway”, you held back a sob, putting a hand over your mouth as soon as those words were out. You didn’t want to cry anymore. You had cried enough in the last couple of weeks. 

It just didn’t seem to end.

[serensama]

To Date #1

This HC/series is a MASSIVE SHOUT OUT to everyone here who has helped me reach over 100 followers! I never thought I would get 1 follower let alone 100- so thank you so much. I apologise for the lateness of my thank you but I’m afraid my cheating mini series took much longer than I anticipated!

This is dedicated to the beautiful @zahnbuerste who was one of the very first people to ever converse with me over Tumblr and is just the dearest person- truly nice to the core. Thanks for all your kind words and inspiration and I hope you enjoy these

The RFA & CO try to plan the very best date for MC… and of course… because they’re RFA & CO…. everything goes to hell.

Yoosung:

-       Yes! Ok he has this!

-       He’s been dreaming of and planning this since before he and MC were even going out

-       Like literally when she told him she liked Chinese food best, he started looking up some basic Chinese recipes and had even tried some stuff out which turned out really well.

-       It was going to be the best first date ever

-       He hoped

-       He had spent all week cleaning his apartment and making sure it was nice and comfortable for the both of them (and hiding certain things that would be too embarrassing for MC to find!)

-       (Like his Limited-edition sword statues from LOLOL, embarrassing family photos etc)

-       (and his porn)

-       Yoosung had just finished preparing all the ingredients and laying them out on his modest kitchen bench when there was a knock on the door: 6pm on the dot! MC was punctual!

-       Quickly washing his hands and patting his still damp hands over his face to cool off he allowed himself 5 seconds to compose himself. Taking the clean dish cloth off his shoulder to wipe his face and neck dry, only putting it back on his shoulder (he thought it made him look dapper) when he readjusted his brand-new shirt and slacks.

-       Taking in a deep breath before opening the door, he practised his most charming smile ready to greet his date.

-       He was not prepared.

-       MC with her hair in two low hanging pigtails and a cute green onesie. She was wearing his favourite colour for him. And she looked amazing. Yoosung’s smile swiftly deteriorated to open mouth, wide eyed gaping- much to MC’s amusement.

-       They stood there stupidly smiling at each other for two minutes until MC cleared her throat, “Um… Yoosung… do you think maybe I could come in?”

-       Stupid Yoosung! Stupid! Stupid! Stare at her AFTER she’s inside.

-       Note to self: don’t actually stare and be creepy. Don’t be creepy.

-       Still stares

-       But MC likes it, so it’s ok

-       Shaking himself mentally he asks if she’s thirsty as he’s got some wine…

-       MC shakes her head while she smiles softly at him, raising a plastic bag up to eye level. “As nice as wine is I’ve brought some beer and soda as I prefer them… but please drink your wine if that’s what you like to drink”

-       Note to self: Marry this girl. Make a ring out of the hokkien noodles or something man, do not let this one go.

-       After offering MC the perfectly wrapped spring rolls and wontons he had made for her and watching her enjoy them so much (she moaned when she took a bite of each item and Yoosung pretty much died both times and was miraculously brought back to life) told her he had to keep cooking if they wanted to eat dinner, to which MC asked if he needed help

-       “No you’re my guest tonight MC. Tonight I don’t want you to lift a finger, I just want your company!” he chirped as he led her to the kitchen- his computer chair already in the corner of the kitchen for her to sit on as he cooked.

-       Everything was going so well! They were talking about their day, about their childhood, what their favourite snacks were, how many children they wanted in the future… until…

-       Yoosung slipped on an errant carrot peel on the floor and began to slip

-       Luckily he grabbed the stove to balance himself so he didn’t fall all the way to the ground

-       Unluckily he had actually grabbed the handle of his wok which still had scalding hot oil in it. The oil ran down his hand and the poor boy screamed in pain.

-       He was so embarrassed at his clumsiness and his mistake that he tried to clean up the mess, even though he was sure he was dying and that his hand was falling off.

-       MC rushed to Yoosung’s side forcing him to his feet, “Stop Yoosung, stop! You’re hurt! This can wait until later- we need to get you help!”

-       Rushing to the ER, MC filled out the questionnaire for Yoosung who had taken to pouting and being silent, how could he have been so foolish? This is not how a perfect date should go, let alone a first date!

-       Once they were waiting for a doctor to come by MC noticed the sour look on Yoosung’s face and brushed away his gorgeous golden locks. “Yoosung- apart from your hand… are you ok?”

-       Yoosung bit his lip to try to contain his emotions- with everything that had happened he was just a flurry of emotions and they were all culminating in him being a big cry baby in front of girlfriend and he hated it.

-       “I wanted this evening to be perfect MC, we shouldn’t have ended up in an ER. We should be sipping wine and enjoying a nice home cooked meal and laughing over stupid conversation” he grouched, unable to meet her eye.

-       MC gently turned their head and kept chasing his eye line until he finally succumbed and looked up into her beautiful eyes.

-       “Yoosung, now you listen to me! I don’t care about the “perfect date!” I care about you! We could have sat in a park and fed some ducks, or we could have gone to the moon! It doesn’t matter so long as I’m with you… and right now you need to be in the ER… so I’m going to stay here with you and enjoy the fact that I can be of some comfort to you, OK?”

-       Yoosung’s mouth started to twitch into a smile, a small, bashful smile of a man who knows that his woman truly cares about him.  

-       After the doctor had fixed up his hand and sent him on his way with the strictest of instructions to take it easy and rest up, MC and Yoosung left the ER, hand in hand.

-       Once back at Yoosung’s apartment, MC orders the youngest RFA member to bed-

-       “But MC I need to clean up that mess in the kitchen… and I left all that food out…”

-       “I’m here aren’t I? NOW GET TO BED YOOSUNG KIM!”

-       “Yes ma’am”

-       “Damn straight.”

-       After half an hour of sitting on his bed alone, swearing and cursing at his hand, Yoosung tip toes out to find MC finished with cleaning up the kitchen and on the phone to someone. His little heart beating faster- did she have other plans that he disrupted? OH MY GOD DID SHE HAVE ANOTHER DATE?

-       “…Yes… that’s right… number 12… yup the door to the right of elevator”

-       Why was she telling someone where he lived?

-       WAS HER DATE PICKING HER UP HERE?

-       ANGRY YOOSUNG IS ANGRY

-       “… Mmhmmm that’s great! That’s perfect! I’ll see you soon then, thanks so much!”

-       MC turned around to see her date looking like she just kicked a puppy in front of him and rushed over to his side

-       “Are you ok honey? Are the painkillers already wearing off?” she asked panicked, her hands running up and down the sides of his arms.

-       “No I’m ok” he pouted

-       “Well that’s good then because the food will be here in a jiffy!”

-       …wait… what

-       “Food?” he asked, obviously 100% lost

-       MC nodded happily as she led him back to his bed and sat down on it beside him, “Yup, seeing as we were planning to have Chinese food tonight I thought there was no need to change the plans! So, I ordered some from my favourite restaurant!” she beamed up at him.

-       As they waited for the delivery Yoosung got to thinking about MC-  the kindness in her eyes, the sincerity of her smile and the gentleness of her hands as she tended to him and his home- Yoosung’s heart wanted to explode!

-       This was definitely it, the perfect time to kiss her again…

-       A knock on the door stopped him from leaning in further

-       Way to cock block a man…

-       Paying the delivery man and gathering the food, MC set up the banquet on his bed and called him over. Scooting over so he could sit next to her, he saw that she set up his computer onto an anime streaming website.

-       “Hey Yoosung?”

-       “Yeah?”

-       “Thanks for a great first date”

-       Before he could reject her thanks and start protesting that the next date would be better, MC leaned in and kissed him, making sure not to touch his injured hand.

-       Seeing stars behind his eyes, Yoosung smiled into the kiss and returned it with fervor.

-       Perhaps this wasn’t the perfect date, but it was perfect for them.

-       “Can you please pass the wontons MC?”

-       “Oh no these are mine”

-       “But- but I made you some before… can’t I even have one?”

-       “Nope”

-       “MC!”

-       “You can have half of one!”

-       “Rock paper scissors for it!”

-       “HA! Now you don’t even get half of one!”

-       “But MC!”

-       Yeah… It was perfect for them.

[eyesthathide]

3/7/18

i had the most insane week this past week.

within the past 7 days, i have met, conversed with and fallen even more in love with two of my favorite people on earth. on friday i went to a small showcase in hollywood put on by Shawn James at a bar by myself before a friend’s birthday. Shawn James is part of a band called Shawn James & the Shapeshifters, and their music is super grungy/loud (really good nonetheless). i like the band, but i really really admire his solo acoustic performances. he was finally in LA and he has a pretty small following, so i decided to just go alone and listen to him. it was the best fucking thing of my life.

when he just plays as Shawn James, he plays slower/acoustic songs and uses the powerful aspects of his voice (as seen with the Shapeshifters) to create range within really moving songs. he started off every song with the story that inspired it, and it gave so much more meaning to every song that i already love (not to mention the stories were mostly really sad and made him all the more human). he had a violinist with him so it was just him playing the guitar and Sage playing the violin. Shawn’s voice is INSANE. it is SO loud, deep and powerful but he exercises it in such a slow and beautiful way that i was literally moved to tears by the way he used it and the words he was singing. it was amazing to hear the story behind why he wrote each song and then listen to it in this small and really intimate showcase. so far i really have only been moved like that when i’ve seen slug perform. so that was amazing. and after the show he stuck around the bar and i met him, told him how amazing he is and how much i admire his work. he hugged me 4x (!!! yes i counted) he was so so so sweet i really have never met a sweeter musician we talked for a good 10-15 minutes just us two and i got a picture with him and the rest of the night was magic too but for other reasons lolol

THEN. last night was AMAZING AS FUCK because i went to the poetry lounge and i got to see my favorite poet EVER Jasmine Mans perform right in front of me. i first fell in love with her from her Dear Ex-Lover piece. spoken word is super hard to master in general because a lot of the time the pieces that you write on paper don’t translate verbally. but she masters both (obviously). she’s brilliant. and when she recites her poetry she illustrates the sentiment behind every line to the point where you can literally feel her emotions in the back of your throat (well at least i can). i fucking love going to the poetry lounge and the community that is created there. i started bringing my sister and i looked over at her during Jasmine’s performance and she was straight bawling the entire time. i know some of that has to do with her feeling close to me and seeing what type of art has affected me over the past few years, but some of it also comes from Jasmine herself and how amazing she was. fucking words man. they have the power to transcend time and people and the impact they leave never fades and the point of this entire drawn out explanation is to document

1. how amazing it is to follow your passions and do what makes you happy. in my case, going to events and meeting with people who have really inspired me and connecting with other people in a genuine way. THAT is what gets me through the week, as mundane as everyday routines can often be. life doesn’t always have to be that way. and i really learned that this week

2. how impactful creating something in any medium is. i had the best week of my life because of the work that other people have created. i hope one day i can do that for someone. i hope one day i can give someone that same feeling

I also met Jasmine afterwards and she was so humble, so sweet and so calm. her presence calmed me but also excited me to no end. i couldn’t believe i was staring at her in the flesh - someone who’s words and bravery i have basically lived by for the past year. she hugged me and talked to me and made me feel so safe and like everything i was doing leading up to this moment has been right or was done for the right reason.

I’m so truly inspired and happy this week and it’s because I found what moves me, went after it and wasn’t consumed by myself in ways that weren’t productive or important. life happens outside of work and routine and i feel so fulfilled. i think meeting jasmine and shawn was so special to me because the work they have created that i have connected with is something that shows how fucking un-okay people can be sometimes, just how deeply they feel in their sadness but there they were... alive, successful, maybe happy in that moment, maybe not, but existing nonetheless and meeting people who have been saved by their work. i have spent a lifetime so far within what i thought was the norm and figuring myself out and now that i have a clearer vision of that i can do things that make me happy in genuine ways. i feel so content and so grateful. and i just cant help but want to chase after life in even grander ways