#ttcover30

[0nein8]

Unless you’ve walked this path...

You really don’t know. 

It’s a common (and personal) to ask, “So are you guys trying to have a baby?” or “When are you going to have kids?” or maybe even subtle hints about how you’ve been married “for a while” and it’s time to have kids. 

This conversation can go in two ways. Fertility is such a private matter, that most people won’t say they’re having difficulty conceiving. Or what I’ve done is actually respond and say, “we’ve been trying, we have some fertility issues.” Then it just becomes this awkward conversation because the person asking wasn’t expecting this answer. Then THEY try to backtrack and say something to make THEMSELVES feel better.

Like, “Oh it’ll happen. Just try to relax.” People never mean anything malicious by comments, but it just becomes an awkward dance... especially when they say “you can always adopt!” as a knee-jerk comment. Little do people know that adoption can cost more than an IVF cycle with the application & legal process.

I don’t think people know that asking such a simple question can be so personal. You never know if you’re asking someone who is having fertility issues or worse— going through a miscarriage or just miscarried.

It also has to be acknowledged that you don’t know the fertility status of women. A woman trying to conceive can be as relaxed and free of stress; but if she has underlying issues such as PCOS, endometriosis, diminished ovarian reserve... relaxing isn’t going to get her pregnant.

I am the biggest advocate for family planning and birth control. But it has to be said that being on hormonal birth control can mask a lot of underlying issues women have and don’t know until they start trying to conceive. You just won’t know until you get there.

[happilyeverstuart-blog]

We officially have a jelly bean!!!! 6 weeks! Blueberry or jelly bean! :)

[teachers-try-ivf]

The Roller Coaster

The other side.....I know this is long but you need the whole picture.  We did say that we were going to start this from the beginning and then we just didn’t find the time to make it happen.  I told her I wanted to share our story in case it would help others see what the process can entail.  Excitement was in the air!  We spent weeks picking out the donor and that is where this side of the story starts.  How do you pick someone who is going to be a true representation of you?  Looper is an amazing woman and she will say she is not sensitive but deep down she shows her sensitivity in different ways.  All the way through the selecting process she made sure we were trying to pick someone who had my eyes, my skin tone, and if possible a small portion of my ethnicity.  She would sit with me and read the profiles, look at medical records and we would get really excited when they would have adult pictures.  I mean think about it for a second, babies are cute right?!?!  But they don’t always turn out that cute!  How are you supposed to pick the other half of the genetic makeup from a baby picture?  Point proven several times when we would click on the adult picture and we were immediately turned off.  Call me vain, but if you aren’t attracted to him and he doesn’t have any representations of me then why would we move forward with that donor?  We made a few selections, slept on it for a couple of days and then bam dropped some significant change on a cc for the swimmers.  What’s next; blood tests, vaginal ultrasounds, uncomfortable probes and lots of hormones in pill and shot form.   

As you saw in my wife’s very detailed list of meds and processes you can sense the roller coaster of emotions through this process.  Let me go into detail on this roller coaster of each trial.  I don’t think any of us thought about how hard it is to get pregnant and how small the window of time for the egg and sperm to meet actually is.  The science teacher in me is geeking out.  Each time my champ of a wife would start with a vaginal ultrasound (uncomfortable but not painful) within the first day of her period beginning.  This was a preventative measure to make sure she does not have any cysts on her ovaries; if she did the medicine she was taking to mature the eggs would cause the cysts to enlarge and create complications.  Then the meds begin, pills or shots. HORMONES!?!?! I had to reach out to a friend of mine a couple of times to get some advice on how to SURVIVE those days of excessive medicine induced mood swings.  Not her fault, and to be honest she gave me so much credit for being supportive but she was the one that endured the day to day of each trial.  SHE WAS THE ROCK!  On day 12 or 13 I would get the call at work that she went in and the eggs are measuring above 18 cm and we have 2-4, OH WOW!  Exciting!!! Meanwhile, all of these small and quick visits to the doctors office was a swipe of the credit card and another window of time away from work.  Then comes the trigger shot, oh you have to make sure that bad boy is literally taken 8 hours prior to insemination.  And you want me to WHAT?!?! Mix these liquid meds in this other vial switch needles, extract, and then stick her in the ass with it.  Thank god, I at least had an understanding and was comfortable with giving her a shot.  Now we take the morning off and head to the doctor…. We get into the doctor's office, verify donor number and wait for thaw process.  We tried everything possible to stay calm and keep our minds off of trying to make a baby.  Now back in the room with my wife laying on the table, doc comes in and tried her best to not make it awkward with small talk.  I like that she talks while she is doing her thing down there.  She asked me if I wanted to push the syringe and I LIT UP!  You mean I get to have a part in this; that was the COOLEST!!!  She handed it over and I slowly pushed the syringe top in and looked at Elizabeth with so much joy and happiness.  See, I have wanted to be a parent all of my life; I feel like I am meant to be a parent.  To know that you have the right person to make that happen with is the best feeling in the world.  I love you babe!  We laid there for a minute while I held her hand and then we went back to normal life.  The next couple of days are just UGH because she is having to take progesterone and AIN’T NOBODY WANNA DO THAT.  She felt fine but we were both hiding the anxiousness within.  Hurry up, just tell us if we are pregnant!  We snuck in a pregnancy test towards the end and had an idea that it didn’t work; she had started spotting closer to the two week mark.  Is it a period or is it implantation of the embryo?  Science GEEK! So many thoughts and so many questions.  Blood test two weeks from the date of insemination confirms it is negative.  To give you the full sense of anxiety; the blood test is in the morning and you have to go back to work and wait for them to call.  THIS IS WHERE THINGS GET REAL!!! You start your period and the process starts all over again!  You have no time to even think about what just happened.  Your not pregnant and it’s time to start all over.  Try #2 was a no go, she started and we knew before the blood test.  After #3 we went back to the drawing board, discovered a polyp and oh by the way the donor you picked has just had a report from a different pregnancy to have a nonviable baby due to a genetic disorder the mother and sperm donor were both a carrier for.  This might have been a blessing in disguise but who knows we would have had to get a genetic test.  At this time we had the polyp removed and she wanted a break, which I fully supported.  We focused on family and taking back our lives from infertility as a team.  So we waited 6 months or so and picked out a new donor that we were super excited about.  You hear the doc say there really is no reason you shouldn’t be getting pregnant.  Try #4 went the whole two weeks, the EXCITEMENT was so high we started planning out how we would tell our parents.  Each day between ovulation and your pending next period can feel like a year; we tried really hard to not feel constantly anxious.  Two weeks have passed and I can remember calling her all afternoon waiting for the results of the blood test. The anxiety of the blood test ended with a negative.  At this point, it became really hard to understand.  WHY IS IT NOT WORKING, WHY CAN WE NOT GET PREGNANT?  

My wife is the strongest woman I know; she is a live life to the fullest, extremely positive, live for now and not the past person.  She is my biggest motivator, she has had my back from day one.  To see her crumble after try #4 was the hardest part of all of this.  I can only be the supporter and I did the best I could, but what I really wanted to do was take the pain away.  TO REPLACE the feeling of doubt and take away her feeling of being inadequate.  We just held each other and let her get out her grief and express her frustration.  I tried really hard to not express my frustrations to her because she already had so many feelings herself.  As I said before, she didn’t have time to cope because starting her period started the cycle all over again.  As always she picked her head up and went in for the ultrasound to start the process for trial #5.  More tears and frustration for trial #5 as it ended the same way.  I can only speak for myself; I feel in try #6 we just went through the motions because we were so hurt from 4 and 5.  We were more prepared to accept a negative test for trial #6.  We took the summer to recoup and make the decisions that lead us to where we are today.  The thing I learned from this is that it REALLY IS OUT OF OUR CONTROL!  Infertility is extremely difficult emotionally but this time around we are definitely a stronger team and I know we will be able to face what life has to throw at us.   

[crowdstork]

Repost from @ttc_ourlittlepeanut using - 🅗🅞🅟🅔🅕🅤🅛 🅑🅛🅘🅢🅢··· My RE just called and gave me the wonderful news- both of our embryos came back PGS normal! 😭😭 This means that after 2 retrievals, we have 3 little babies waiting to come back into their mama! We need days like this. Beautiful moments where we know our tireless efforts are worth it. And the hope. The belief that I will get to meet these embryos in real life and love them for life. Although, I already do ♥️ Thank you for the endless prayers... My tribe is priceless to me! Retrieval 3, here we come! #ttcsisters #ttccommunity #ttcjourney ##ttcsupport #ttc #ttcover30 #ttctribe #ttcwarrior #ttcmembers #ttcbaby #infertility #infertilitysucks #infertilitysisters #infertilityawareness #infertilitysupport #infertilityjourney #infertilitycommunity #infertilitywarrior #ivf #ivfjourney #ivfcommunity #ivfsupport #ivfwarrior #ivfsisters #fet #eggretrieval #ivfgotthis #1in8 #icsi #diminishedovarianreserve https://www.instagram.com/p/BtbcRSVhFR-/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=ywmclqcbw1up

[jayjayrn-blog]

So far, my 2017 has brought me a whirlwind of emotions: happiness, gratitude, fear. I know that after all the darkness, all the storms, the rainbow will emerge. I continue to hope for this for myself and for all the hopeful mamas out there. Even when you are feeling at your absolute lowest, please try to remember your rainbow will appear someday. Do not lose hope. 🌈

[alexseiya]

Ok, today I'm grumpy... because I know that, after more than a year of BFNs, there's never going to be a BFP for me... not for me... I keep cramping mildly and having all the symptoms I've been having lately and an add on is a little of headache too... then somebody I know, in her 20s who struggled with #infertility too, told how awful is being pregnant and how she is hating every second of it... it drives me crazy... if only I was blessed with a baby... #clomid #clomid50 #clomiphene #clomifen #clomidcycle1 #ttc #ttctribe #ttcfamily #ttcsisters #ttcsupport #ttcwarrior #ttcsucks #ttcover30 #infertility #unexplainedinfertility #endometriosis #infertilitysucks #infertilityhurts #infertilitysupport #infertilitycommunity #infertilityjourney #infertilityishard #weakened #angry #notfair

[anxiousfaun-blog]

Bloodletting For Days

My actual doctor called me today to see how I'm doing and discuss our loss. She is technically on maternity leave but wanted to follow up with me. She's so sweet, she asked me if I wanted to come in and speak to her, even though she's supposed to be off. She's referring me to an early pregnancy loss clinic, and understands that I don't want a D&C. She said if nothing has happened in two weeks that they might give me a course of meds that will get the ball rolling. Also I'm supposed to do a bunch of follow up blood work and an ultrasound once everything has passed. Just to make sure everything is cleared. My hCG has only gone up by 12,000 in two weeks which definitely reinforces that a miscarriage is imminent. We are supposed to wait at least two cycles after this miscarriage is over before we try again. That's disappointing, it feels so far away. I know my body needs to get back to normal, I just want to be pregnant so bad.

[theramblingsofadisgruntledcyster]

March is hard

Last night, for whatever reason, it hit me. 8 years ago, during the month of March I found out I was about 6 weeks pregnant. A week later I had a miscarriage. And now, this struggle to conceive is so draining. There are days when I think I should just give up. Lately, I have felt more discouraged. BF doesn’t really want a baby, he says he wants me to be happy so he’s willing to have a baby with me for that. But honestly, it seems like such a bad idea to have a baby with him. And so I’m stuck wondering if my love for him is stronger than my desire to be a mother. 

[0nein8]

Egg 🥚 Retrieval is done!

Hoping we get some good news later on today. ❤️ What’s done is done and now all we can do is hope for the best.

Update// Got the call. Out of the 6 eggs, 4 were mature. We are doing ICSI. We wait for tomorrow to see what has fertilized! 🤞🏼

[happilyeverstuart-blog]

Not viable! Not doubling! No sac! So many negatives. So at 6w3d I say goodbye to my little Baby S! I haven’t bled or lost you yet, but apparently it’s inevitable. My heart hurts so terribly!

[teachers-try-ivf]

My wife(Cami) and I started trying to have a family in October of 2017. We met with a great doctor who made us feel comfortable and confident and started the process of testing and picking a donor for IUI. Statistically we should be pregnant in 2-4 tries right?!? We were so confident and positive and were DEVASTATED when we got out first of many negative pregnancy tests. Family and some friends encouraged us but no damn luck. It’s weird what trying to have a baby can do to some of your friendships and that’s a whole other story. Any way, along the way Cami said we should write a blog about what we are going through, I never thought we would be here 2 years later and starting the IVF process so I never did the blog.

4 medicated( Letrozole and trigger shot) IUI cycles failed and then 2 more cycles adding Follistim to the mix of drugs. In the middle of all that, a polyp was found in my uterus taking up prime implantation real estate so that had to be removed and we kept trying. Sperm, ultrasounds, medicine, surgery, blood work, hysteroscopies, missed work, STRESS, fights with my wife, boxes of pregnancy tests and a shit ton of prenatal vitamins cost us around 25 THOUSAND dollars in 2 years. Did I mention that we are teachers?!? The pictures are what you see when you go in for the actual IUI procedure, a long syringe and a tiny vial with millions of sperm that cost 1000 dollars. Millions of sperm couldn’t get into one damn egg? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?

I am a pretty confident person, and not being able to get pregnant shook me up pretty bad. CAMI HAS BEEN MY ROCK through all of this. I’m so thankful that I am the one trying to get pregnant because I don’t know if I could be as sweet, caring and supportive as her. I have never been so disappointed in myself over something I literally have ZERO control over, but Cami was/is always there to pick me up, even when she is feeling helpless and devastated too.

So yesterday we met with our doctor to start the IVF process and WOW. The women who have gone through this process are rockstars, baby or no baby. The willingness to put your body through all this stress to maybe, hopefully, fingers crossed have a baby is inspiring.

[sarahlaughed]

D-Day Tomorrow

I can't do this. I just can't. The fear, the anxiety, the worry about whether DH will completely fall apart. I can't face that fucking pee stick. I could handle a blood test, with a doctor telling us the result, like my first time, but having to do it myself, be the bearer of bad news to DH, and then just go off to work like nothing's happened ... I can't face it. I am just not strong enough. After three and a half years, I just can't take it any more.

I mean, I have to, so I will, but I can't. Does that make sense?

[jayjayrn-blog]

Happy New Year

Sending hugs, love and baby dust to those trying to conceive. May this 2017 be our year.

XOXO

[anxiousfaun-blog]

While I am waiting to begin TTC again, I'm going to focus hard on losing some weight and getting healthier. I want to set myself up for success, so that come 2017 my chances of conceiving are just as good, if not better.

[heatherandalan-blog]

Ttc is hard work...

Baby dancing isnt, but the wait, the symptom spotting, and the attempt to not obsess is difficult. I feel like all I do is think about ttc now.

[0nein8]

I was hoping for better news...

So out of the 4 mature eggs, only ONE fertilized 😭 I really don’t understand why. We even did ICSI where they inject the sperm into the egg. Our doctor told us that:

One egg “should’ve fertilized and they’re not sure why it didn’t”

One egg looked like it had some fragments so it was no surprise it didn’t fertilize.

One egg they are keeping because it might just need “more time” though it’s a 1 in 20 chance that it will fertilize.

And our one egg that did fertilize... we have to wait until Day 5 to see if it becomes a blastocyst.

We are mentally preparing ourselves to go through a second round, although I’m not sure what we would do differently... I was already placed on the highest dose and we now know I don’t respond well to the meds.

Recovery from the egg retrieval wasn’t too terrible. I’ve had worse period cramps than this. However I am very bloated. I gained 4 lbs in the span of 2 weeks from the hormones.

I don’t know if I’m in denial, but I just really didn’t think it would be this hard for us to get pregnant! I’m so lost. I didn’t think my fertility issue was this severe to need another round of IVF.

Even if our embryo makes it to day 5, I still need to do a saline infused sonogram before transfer. We will decide on doing another round OR transferring the one embryo we have- If it makes it! 🤞🏼the thought process is that if we want to have another child, it would be best for my eggs to be harvested now.

Well, I guess I’ll know in 3 more days...